May 15, 2024 • 25 mins
Discover the secret to a thriving marriage with a twist—imagine your relationship as an iPhone in need of regular updates! Join us, Danny Ray and Kimberly, as we navigate the complexities of wedded bliss with laughter and lessons alike. We promise an enlightening journey that compares the quirks of marital life to the ins and outs of your favorite gadget. From the unique 'apps' each partner offers to the necessity of a 'protective case' to keep the bond strong, we're spilling our personal stories and the wisdom they've etched in our hearts.
Our chat isn't just about love and laughter; it's about growth and grit. We tackle the importance of admitting when we're wrong—those "I told you so" moments that can either trip us up or transform us. Just like skipping an iPhone update can leave you with a sluggish device, ignoring your partner's insights might mean missing out on essential relationship 'fixes'. We explore how to keep our commitments fresh with regular maintenance, apologies, and a dedication to listening and improving together—because let's face it, even the best relationships hit a snag now and then.
Wrapping up with a humorous glance at New Hampshire's take on liberty (seatbelt laws included), we invite our listeners to buckle up for a ride through the twists and turns of love's highway. We're eager to hear your thoughts, so don't be shy—like, subscribe, and drop us a review. Stay tuned for more episodes where we pull back the curtain on the real work of marriage, all served with a side of chuckles and charm. Grab your coffee and join us on this adventure—your marriage might just thank you for it!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Danny Ray (00:00):
We are back.
It's been a little bit.
My name is Danny Ray and thisis I'm Kimberly.
Yeah, and we are in the middleof a new season, season four,
talking about metaphors, andit's fascinating to think about
metaphors in general, but interms of marriage, it seems like
so many different people wetalk to they have an analogy or
(00:23):
a marriage metaphor and so we'vebeen collecting these and we
want to share differentmetaphors that we've learned
over the years and things thatare visual, that help.
Here's what's interesting,because I realize we're doing
this over the radio, but therewas a magician years ago.
If you don't know, you'retuning in for the first time.
I'm a magician as well, but so,uh, as a magician, he said the
(00:51):
most visual form of magic youcould do is over the radio.
What?
And I was like what?
Then I did a hundred or or sofor the book last year.
Uh, just interview afterinterview after interview, and I
started to realize, as I wascreating, um, magic over the
radio, that there's nothing likeit.
(01:12):
It's all happening in theperson's mind.
And so, like one of the ideas,this is just completely off
topic from our marriagemetaphors but, but like.
One of ideas was you can make acoin fly across the room over
the radio waves just using yourvoice and your technique and
(01:33):
your explanation, and over theradio it seems like that coin
vanished and appeared 20 feetaway where in reality you
couldn't ever do that.
But it's not that you're fakinganything, it's that the
experience is different over theairwaves.
Kimberly (01:50):
When you're hearing it and picturing it.
Yeah, so hard to explain.
Danny Ray (01:55):
But yeah, it's fun to create things over the airwaves
, but for now we're talkingabout metaphors.
You want to talk a little bitabout that?
Kimberly (02:03):
Yeah, we want to.
Actually over this next seasonwe'll go through quite a few
metaphors that we have formarriage, just hoping that maybe
one or two of them will grabyour attention and really
resonate with you.
The first one we want to giveis a marriage is like an iPhone
what You're saying I'm a phone.
Danny Ray (02:27):
No, but our marriage can be like yeah, even when
you're sitting right theresometimes right, I can just turn
it off.
It'll leave me alone.
Kimberly (02:37):
Oh interesting, Can we turn each other off like that?
Okay, we digress.
Danny Ray (02:44):
Tell me more.
Kimberly (02:45):
Tell you more.
So a marriage is like an iphone, right, and I'm going to give
you um a few reasons, six ofthem to be specific and then
we'll go back and and go throughthem.
But, um, it's like an iphonebecause there are constant
updates.
There are apps and features toour marriage.
(03:06):
There's a battery life to ourmarriage.
There's a protective case Ah,that one is really cool.
I like that.
A protective case around themarriage, just like the iPhone.
Or maybe you don't and you takerisks, but that shouldn't be
taken.
Danny Ray (03:23):
Try fast take chances .
Kimberly (03:26):
That was terrible advice.
Anyway, technical supportSometimes we need technical
support in our marriages andwith our iPhones, and the last
one that we're going to give youis personalization and that
everybody's marriage is going tolook different, just like
everybody's iPhones.
We personalize them to lookdifferent, so we'll go back and
(03:49):
go through each of those, andthat first one being constant
updates.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I feel that in our marriageConstant updates.
Danny Ray (04:00):
So when people ask we have our fair share of
struggles like anybody else.
And in fact this last weekafter I painted, kim got a good.
I told you so After I paintedone of the rooms in our house.
(04:20):
It took three days.
Maybe I'm just slow, but therewas.
We had to do the primer, we hadto do all this and everything
just took a little bit longer.
But on the third day I pickedup all the plastic, I put it all
into a big pile and then I tookall the other plastic, put it
into a big pile.
Kimberly (04:38):
Not just plastic.
Yeah, cans of paint, all thepaint, brushes and everything
that was going into the trash.
Danny Ray (04:45):
I had a big pile and then all the plastic underneath.
I wrapped it all together andright as I was about to go, kim
was like what if you take it outslowly, like one at a time?
And I was like no.
Kimberly (05:01):
I'm pretty sure I was more specific and said you know,
I think there's this thingcalled gravity and I think the
bigger objects are going to fallout of that, and then and I
picked it all up I'm like it'llbe fine and I take the first
step and it it doesn't drip outthe back.
Danny Ray (05:16):
I can't see it, kim does.
Kimberly (05:18):
Um, it doesn't drip, it is pouring pouring, pouring
gray paints all over the carpet.
Danny Ray (05:24):
Yes, and when she's like stop, stop, Did I stop.
Kimberly (05:29):
No.
Danny Ray (05:30):
I ran for the door thinking it's dripping.
Kimberly (05:34):
Let me get out the door while she's screaming no,
don't move, Then we have toclean it out of the hardwood
floors as well, which, yeah,we'll let that go.
Danny Ray (05:45):
How did that go, babe ?
Just tell us.
Kimberly (05:48):
I don't often say I told you so, but that one I
definitely gave you a very big.
Oh yeah, you were riding thattrain.
Danny Ray (05:54):
Oh, and then, like five minutes later, I went to go
fix the lights outside and Ididn't pull on them or yank on
them or anything, but literallyall of our string lights
crashing to the ground, hundredsof lights, glass broken
everywhere.
It was an interesting day.
(06:15):
We needed a major update.
At the end of the day, we didso.
That's the reality for anymarriages.
We need constant updates, butwhat I was going to say is we
did refresh, we did update.
We needed some space.
Kimberly (06:33):
We needed some space.
Yeah, it was not instant.
It took a little while I had toapologize for my giant.
I told you so.
Danny Ray (06:40):
Yeah, you were definitely like yeah, I told you
so and I was like if I wouldhave made it outside and it made
it into the trash.
Kimberly (06:47):
Then you could have said I told you so.
Danny Ray (06:49):
No, that's terrible yeah but we don't want to live
in an.
I told you so world?
Kimberly (06:54):
No, not beneficial.
But you're the biggest one, Imean which you have been
repeating that story not me,that is up to you.
But yeah, we needed an update.
That's just an update after,after a rupture in the
relationship.
But we also need updates justdepending on the season that
(07:18):
we're in.
Right, so we've talked aboutdifferent seasons that we've
been in through the years, butso an iPhone requires regular
updates to improve how itfunctions, its security, and a
marriage is really similar tothat.
Right that if we make changesbecause we adapt, then that's
(07:42):
going to give us the bestpotential possible.
Right, when we leave our phonesor our laptops un-updated, is
that a word un-updated?
Is that a word Un-updated?
Danny Ray (07:58):
It is now.
It is now Put that in thedictionary.
Kimberly (08:01):
When we leave them like that, there's danger in
that.
Danny Ray (08:05):
Now I understand some people would say, well, I don't
want the updates becausethere's issues, right, this
isn't a perfect metaphor nometaphor is perfect but it gives
us an idea of, yeah, creatingthose things that are secure
right, and so staying up to date, exactly so.
Kimberly (08:22):
Regular communication, learning about each other,
learning about different seasonsthat we're in and acknowledging
those yeah, I want to I want toback up that season for a
second.
Danny Ray (08:32):
Tell me more about what that might look like of
updating a season versus likethat.
I don't even know if it was afight but a frustration and and
I told you so and tension and wehad to kind of move forward.
How do we apologize for thethings?
We need to apologize for nothandling ourselves the way we'd
(08:53):
want to?
Handle ourselves in.
You know saying I'll do abetter job at listening.
You know all those type ofthings.
That's different than a season.
Kimberly (09:06):
Yeah, so seasons where we've needed updating in the
marriage have been things like,things like gosh.
I'll start way back with maybein a season of you've just got
married and I mean that's hugeadjustments, right?
And it's updating.
You're just figuring things out.
(09:26):
The next step for a lot ofcouples is maybe trying to have
children or deciding not to havechildren or not being able to
have children right.
All of those things requireupdates and adjusting, because
it's difficult and then ifchildren do come along, that can
be really difficult and ablessing at the same time.
(09:50):
But it needs an update.
We aren't the same exact person.
Danny Ray (09:56):
Okay, that makes sense Right.
Kimberly (09:58):
That we were somebody.
So a new job, a new New job,new kids Any of that could mean
lack of sleep.
I know new kids is kind offunny, but you've got foster,
you've got whatever right, yeah,yeah.
Danny Ray (10:11):
So new kids this weekend it happens.
Kimberly (10:15):
Whatever God calls us to right Well, okay, not us on
the new kids thing, but anyway,so may have shown too many cards
there.
So regular communication andupdating and talking to each
other and going, okay, you knowwhat?
We're in a season of lack ofsleep or we're in a season of
(10:40):
teenagers and where sometimesparenting we think that with
teenagers it's going to be lesshands-on and some of it needs to
be more hands-on than expected,and so any of those, those are
seasons and those requireupdating in the marriage,
because if we just leave it theway it is and we go through all
(11:02):
those transitions and keepthinking that it'll just be okay
and fix itself, that's settingyourselves up for a fail really.
Danny Ray (11:13):
So ideas if you're in a season where you're needing
an update.
Uh, proverbs 19 20 says listento the advice and accept
discipline and at the end, youwill be counted among the wise.
Is we want to be among the wiseand we want to, um, listen to
the advice of people who havebeen there.
So if you're entering a new job, you could talk to other people
(11:37):
like how did you make thosechanges?
If you're moving locations evenwhen we moved across town,
there's still changes andupdates that needed to happen.
But, talking to people that havebeen there, done that and, as
we've said so many times on here, ephesians 4.32 says be kind
(12:00):
and compassionate to one anotherforgive each other, just as
Christ God forgave you right, aswe want to be kind and
compassionate, forgiving eachother constantly.
You know we talk about hittingthat reset button is in a season
of update.
You're definitely going to talkabout hitting that reset button
is in an a season of update.
You're definitely going to wantto hit that reset and like hey.
Kimberly (12:22):
I little more often.
Danny Ray (12:24):
I'm learning to adjust to kind of our new normal
.
Um, let me reset and say thisagain or try this again, but for
each other, having that mutualkindness and compassion and
working towards constantlyforgiving each other will help
with the updating.
All right.
Kimberly (12:43):
Definitely so.
Number two apps and features.
An iPhone comes with a varietyof apps and features right, so
each thing, each app or featureserves a different purpose to
enhance your experience of usingthe iPhone right.
Danny Ray (12:59):
Right.
Kimberly (12:59):
So in marriage, same thing with both partners.
Both spouses bring differentunique qualities, skills,
interests that enrich therelationship.
Right that enhance therelationship.
Right that enhance therelationship.
Um, may not always feel likethat that they're enhancing the
(13:20):
relationship, but it can be um,and embracing those differences
adds really like depth and howyeah, how do people embrace
those differences?
Danny Ray (13:33):
so so you know, sometimes we'll hear from
younger couples like we lovedoing everything together.
Kimberly (13:39):
We have so much in common relationship.
Danny Ray (13:42):
It's not that you don't enjoy some common ground,
but in any relationship there'scommon ground and then there's
differences.
So with those differences, howdo you find like mutual respect?
(14:08):
What's that?
Do you see what I'm saying?
Like the change that?
Could happen there.
How?
Kimberly (14:12):
do you avoid that or adapt to?
Danny Ray (14:13):
that there?
How do you avoid that or adaptto that?
Kimberly (14:15):
Well, a few things come to mind.
I'm thinking.
You know, the healthiestrelationships have a combination
of where you have yourindividuality.
I have mine, and that mightreflect in interests that we
have.
Or hobbies I don't have any,you have many.
Danny Ray (14:36):
The way you're wired.
Kimberly (14:36):
You have many um right there, the way you're wired,
the way I'm wired, the way wethink, the way we talk, like
there are so many differencesacross the board.
Um, but then when we cometogether in marriage, then we
are intentional about okay,what's?
I always think of that Venndiagram that we learned in
school.
Right, that they're the twocircles.
So you're in your circle, I'min mine, but where do the two
(14:58):
overlap?
in marriage right.
So that overlapping is thatit's interdependence, it's
depending on each other, it'scounting on each other, it's
loving each other, it's beingintentional about finding things
to do together.
Being intentional about findingthings to do together, and
(15:19):
again, those things could changethroughout different seasons of
life.
Too right, we have to readjustand go okay, wait a minute,
there's more.
I think where I, when I reflectback through the what are we
gonna celebrate?
28 years, 28?
Danny Ray (15:35):
years, 28 years, 28 years of marriage.
Okay, I started to doubt myself.
Kimberly (15:42):
When I look back, I think of how, when we were new
parents brand new parents and Iwrongly thought that I knew how
to do things I thought I've beentraining for this I thought
momming would be easy for me.
And boy was I wrong.
But not only that.
(16:03):
I thought my way was right mostof the time, and it took a
little while and things did notgo well that way.
Um, and when I was finally moreopen to okay, wait a minute
your ways potentially, eventhough they're not the same as
(16:24):
mine, your ways could actuallypicking up all the pain at the
same time and getting it out thedoor all at once, instead of 12
trips uh-huh, just like thepain thing.
So maybe not all of your thingswork out, but not all of mine do
either.
And so when you, when you were,um, when I basically stopped
(16:45):
stopping you, like, stoppedpreventing you from being the
dad that you've been designed tobe, and allowed you to do it
your way, no matter like howweird I thought it might be,
that gave you a, the gave youthe responsibility that that you
(17:05):
earned.
You helped create this kidright.
So it was.
So you know your responsibilityto part.
Yeah, oh wow um so then there'salso the um, gosh, and how do I
put this that you became like Iwas hindering you, I was keeping
you from being the good dadthat you were designed to be
(17:27):
right if I never give you achance at it.
So that gave you that chance,and then you it turned out that
some of your ideas were reallygood and then other things were
still kind of crazy, and and soI my way of adapting to that.
Do you remember I had a buttonmade that I put on the children
(17:48):
when you dressed them?
My daddy dressed me that way, Ididn't feel like people were
going to judge my child that.
Oh wow, your mom's crazy.
Nope, it pointed directly toyou and how you had dressed the
children.
So there's teamwork.
But back to so variety.
(18:10):
We certainly have a ton ofvariety in just being designed
so differently and they sayopposites attract and there's a
lot of truth in that.
Yes, we have some similaritiesbut definitely a lot of
differences, and that's OK andthat's the huge key is learning
(18:33):
to embrace it right that thoseapps and features, like we said
for the iPhone, they all servedifferent purposes but they can
enhance life or enhance theexperience.
Danny Ray (18:48):
So number three yes, what is number three?
Kimberly (18:51):
Battery life.
I like that.
We've talked about this before,too, in other ways but battery
life on your phone and batterylife in marriage, right.
Danny Ray (19:02):
I feel like this is one we use all the time is when
you'll say I'm coming in onempty or you know we talk about
like I'm exhausted.
I'm like at 5% battery liferight now.
Kimberly (19:14):
I've.
Danny Ray (19:14):
I've got nothing left .
I'm going to, you know, fallout soon, and so one of the the
conversations we have is how canI, how can I fill you up, how
can I make things better?
Even yesterday, there was asilly situation that happened
where you-.
Kimberly (19:34):
I left my phone inside the office and locked myself
out, so I couldn't even go backin the office to get the phone,
because the app on the phone iswhat unlocks it.
Danny Ray (19:44):
Yes, yeah, but I mean not that big of a deal in the
grand scheme of things, but youhad already had you'd been at
work for eight, nine hours, plusthe drive Full day.
Kimberly (19:56):
I was exhausted, you're exhausted.
Hungry, needed to go potty.
All of the things.
Danny Ray (20:01):
So I knew you're coming in on empty and so you
know I'm asking how can I servewhat?
Can you know what's that looklike?
And you do the same for me whenI'm running on empty.
In fact, this week, the same,you know, weekend, I was coming
home from Waypoint and I think Ihad breakfast, but I didn't
(20:22):
have lunch and I didn't havedinner.
It's nine o'clock at night.
I'm coming home, I have lunchand then have dinner, and it's
nine nine o'clock at night I'mcoming home I'm like, hey, is
there any chance?
Kimberly (20:36):
I'm not sure that I fed you that time.
I'm not sure that's a goodexample.
I think I was on empty that one, but I usually do.
Danny Ray (20:39):
I usually do.
But you did say I can't get offthe couch right now, I can't
throw that pizza in for, butwhat you could do is take
yourself to Chick-fil-A.
So most of the time.
Kimberly (20:51):
So there are times I mean that just points to there
are times where, hey, both, bothof us are going to have lower
batteries, right, majority ofthe time, we can help compensate
for each other, and thesearen't long-term things we're
talking about just on a dailybasis.
Um, and yeah, being, it's notthe, if you put in 50%.
Danny Ray (21:16):
I put in 50%.
Kimberly (21:17):
Right, that's an old way of thinking about marriage
and, uh, not a not a healthy one.
So, battery life and andsharing that battery life with
each other and saying, hey, thisis where I'm at, because we
can't just make assumptions thatway.
Yeah, we need to be honest.
Danny Ray (21:33):
I think this is where we want to continue to have our
energy come from Christ, fromthe center of everything we do
is having God in the center.
I think of Philippians 4.13.
That says I can do all thingsthrough Christ, who strengthens
me.
It's not that you know I couldgo jump to the moon because you
(21:53):
know I say some prayer, but whenI'm living and doing the things
that God's designed me to do,you know I can ask him for
strength and he becomes thatstrength even when I'm weak.
He becomes strong.
And so I think, even a coupleof weeks ago, when I was um, um
speaking, preaching at um achurch, a local church, and you
(22:18):
you knew I was just kind of likedown like the weight of that
message was on me and you gaveme different verses to encourage
me, to remind me, to inspire me, to remind me, to inspire me to
speak into my life, and I thinkthose are the things we could
do.
When the other person'sbattery's down, how can I serve
if I have nothing left?
How can I give them anopportunity to go to Chick-fil-A
(22:39):
?
Kimberly (22:40):
God's chicken.
Danny Ray (22:45):
How can I send a verse, how can I write a note to
speak into my um, in my case my, my wife's life you know, your
spouse's life and encourage them.
Kimberly (22:57):
I think one last thing on a battery life would be that
we have to both invest time andmake an effort to recharge the
relationship, and that happensthrough quality time, affection,
shared experiences, things thatwe do together and for us.
(23:18):
I know, with our anniversarycoming up, we are we don't have
it planned yet, but we areworking on a plan to carve out
that time and no matter what itends up being, um, we know that
we need to be intentional abouthaving time where it's just the
two of us and just um, uh yeah,having a shared experience and
(23:40):
hanging out together to recharge.
Danny Ray (23:42):
Recharges our battery kind of long-term you know
having those weekends away thatwe try to do on a regular basis.
Let me pause us here.
Kimberly (23:50):
Okay.
Danny Ray (23:51):
And this is going to be part one, but I am going to
ask for a favor before you go Ifyou could get on to whatever
you're listening to this on,whether it's Spotify or Apple
podcast or in, just do a reviewthat says you love it you hate
it.
Whatever your review is, we'renot saying, hey, give us a five
star, but just to give honestfeedback, and we would love to.
(24:15):
It's one of the few ways wecould find out what's going on
but it also helps other peopleto find this show.
The more ratings that arepositive, the more people that
go like hey it looks likethey're doing something right.
Kimberly (24:28):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (24:28):
And we want to be intentional with those things
and it doesn't hurt to ask.
So we're asking that you dothat.
Take a minute, not while you'redriving.
Kimberly (24:37):
Unless you are in.
Danny Ray (24:38):
New Hampshire, where you don't have seatbelt laws and
you can do whatever you wantlive free or die.
Kimberly (24:43):
I knew that was their license plate slogan but no
seatbelt laws really.
Danny Ray (24:49):
Yeah, it's the only one in the union, Everybody else
seatbelt laws.
Kimberly (24:51):
All right, you New Hampshire people, that's
hilarious.
Danny Ray (24:55):
We are way off topic, okay.
Kimberly (24:58):
Like it, subscribe to it, write a review, do something
that's awesome.
We love you guys.
We appreciate you.
See you soon.
We are back.
It's been a little bit.
My name is Danny Ray and thisis I'm Kimberly.
Yeah, and we are in the middleof a new season, season four,
talking about metaphors, andit's fascinating to think about
metaphors in general, but interms of marriage, it seems like
so many different people wetalk to they have an analogy or
(00:23):
a marriage metaphor and so we'vebeen collecting these and we
want to share differentmetaphors that we've learned
over the years and things thatare visual, that help.
Here's what's interesting,because I realize we're doing
this over the radio, but therewas a magician years ago.
If you don't know, you'retuning in for the first time.
I'm a magician as well, but so,uh, as a magician, he said the
(00:51):
most visual form of magic youcould do is over the radio.
What?
And I was like what?
Then I did a hundred or or sofor the book last year.
Uh, just interview afterinterview after interview, and I
started to realize, as I wascreating, um, magic over the
radio, that there's nothing likeit.
(01:12):
It's all happening in theperson's mind.
And so, like one of the ideas,this is just completely off
topic from our marriagemetaphors but, but like.
One of ideas was you can make acoin fly across the room over
the radio waves just using yourvoice and your technique and
(01:33):
your explanation, and over theradio it seems like that coin
vanished and appeared 20 feetaway where in reality you
couldn't ever do that.
But it's not that you're fakinganything, it's that the
experience is different over theairwaves.
Kimberly (01:50):
When you're hearing it and picturing it.
Yeah, so hard to explain.
Danny Ray (01:55):
But yeah, it's fun to create things over the airwaves
, but for now we're talkingabout metaphors.
You want to talk a little bitabout that?
Kimberly (02:03):
Yeah, we want to.
Actually over this next seasonwe'll go through quite a few
metaphors that we have formarriage, just hoping that maybe
one or two of them will grabyour attention and really
resonate with you.
The first one we want to giveis a marriage is like an iPhone
what You're saying I'm a phone.
Danny Ray (02:27):
No, but our marriage can be like yeah, even when
you're sitting right theresometimes right, I can just turn
it off.
It'll leave me alone.
Kimberly (02:37):
Oh interesting, Can we turn each other off like that?
Okay, we digress.
Danny Ray (02:44):
Tell me more.
Kimberly (02:45):
Tell you more.
So a marriage is like an iphone, right, and I'm going to give
you um a few reasons, six ofthem to be specific and then
we'll go back and and go throughthem.
But, um, it's like an iphonebecause there are constant
updates.
There are apps and features toour marriage.
(03:06):
There's a battery life to ourmarriage.
There's a protective case Ah,that one is really cool.
I like that.
A protective case around themarriage, just like the iPhone.
Or maybe you don't and you takerisks, but that shouldn't be
taken.
Danny Ray (03:23):
Try fast take chances .
Kimberly (03:26):
That was terrible advice.
Anyway, technical supportSometimes we need technical
support in our marriages andwith our iPhones, and the last
one that we're going to give youis personalization and that
everybody's marriage is going tolook different, just like
everybody's iPhones.
We personalize them to lookdifferent, so we'll go back and
(03:49):
go through each of those, andthat first one being constant
updates.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I feel that in our marriageConstant updates.
Danny Ray (04:00):
So when people ask we have our fair share of
struggles like anybody else.
And in fact this last weekafter I painted, kim got a good.
I told you so After I paintedone of the rooms in our house.
(04:20):
It took three days.
Maybe I'm just slow, but therewas.
We had to do the primer, we hadto do all this and everything
just took a little bit longer.
But on the third day I pickedup all the plastic, I put it all
into a big pile and then I tookall the other plastic, put it
into a big pile.
Kimberly (04:38):
Not just plastic.
Yeah, cans of paint, all thepaint, brushes and everything
that was going into the trash.
Danny Ray (04:45):
I had a big pile and then all the plastic underneath.
I wrapped it all together andright as I was about to go, kim
was like what if you take it outslowly, like one at a time?
And I was like no.
Kimberly (05:01):
I'm pretty sure I was more specific and said you know,
I think there's this thingcalled gravity and I think the
bigger objects are going to fallout of that, and then and I
picked it all up I'm like it'llbe fine and I take the first
step and it it doesn't drip outthe back.
Danny Ray (05:16):
I can't see it, kim does.
Kimberly (05:18):
Um, it doesn't drip, it is pouring pouring, pouring
gray paints all over the carpet.
Danny Ray (05:24):
Yes, and when she's like stop, stop, Did I stop.
Kimberly (05:29):
No.
Danny Ray (05:30):
I ran for the door thinking it's dripping.
Kimberly (05:34):
Let me get out the door while she's screaming no,
don't move, Then we have toclean it out of the hardwood
floors as well, which, yeah,we'll let that go.
Danny Ray (05:45):
How did that go, babe ?
Just tell us.
Kimberly (05:48):
I don't often say I told you so, but that one I
definitely gave you a very big.
Oh yeah, you were riding thattrain.
Danny Ray (05:54):
Oh, and then, like five minutes later, I went to go
fix the lights outside and Ididn't pull on them or yank on
them or anything, but literallyall of our string lights
crashing to the ground, hundredsof lights, glass broken
everywhere.
It was an interesting day.
(06:15):
We needed a major update.
At the end of the day, we didso.
That's the reality for anymarriages.
We need constant updates, butwhat I was going to say is we
did refresh, we did update.
We needed some space.
Kimberly (06:33):
We needed some space.
Yeah, it was not instant.
It took a little while I had toapologize for my giant.
I told you so.
Danny Ray (06:40):
Yeah, you were definitely like yeah, I told you
so and I was like if I wouldhave made it outside and it made
it into the trash.
Kimberly (06:47):
Then you could have said I told you so.
Danny Ray (06:49):
No, that's terrible yeah but we don't want to live
in an.
I told you so world?
Kimberly (06:54):
No, not beneficial.
But you're the biggest one, Imean which you have been
repeating that story not me,that is up to you.
But yeah, we needed an update.
That's just an update after,after a rupture in the
relationship.
But we also need updates justdepending on the season that
(07:18):
we're in.
Right, so we've talked aboutdifferent seasons that we've
been in through the years, butso an iPhone requires regular
updates to improve how itfunctions, its security, and a
marriage is really similar tothat.
Right that if we make changesbecause we adapt, then that's
(07:42):
going to give us the bestpotential possible.
Right, when we leave our phonesor our laptops un-updated, is
that a word un-updated?
Is that a word Un-updated?
Danny Ray (07:58):
It is now.
It is now Put that in thedictionary.
Kimberly (08:01):
When we leave them like that, there's danger in
that.
Danny Ray (08:05):
Now I understand some people would say, well, I don't
want the updates becausethere's issues, right, this
isn't a perfect metaphor nometaphor is perfect but it gives
us an idea of, yeah, creatingthose things that are secure
right, and so staying up to date, exactly so.
Kimberly (08:22):
Regular communication, learning about each other,
learning about different seasonsthat we're in and acknowledging
those yeah, I want to I want toback up that season for a
second.
Danny Ray (08:32):
Tell me more about what that might look like of
updating a season versus likethat.
I don't even know if it was afight but a frustration and and
I told you so and tension and wehad to kind of move forward.
How do we apologize for thethings?
We need to apologize for nothandling ourselves the way we'd
(08:53):
want to?
Handle ourselves in.
You know saying I'll do abetter job at listening.
You know all those type ofthings.
That's different than a season.
Kimberly (09:06):
Yeah, so seasons where we've needed updating in the
marriage have been things like,things like gosh.
I'll start way back with maybein a season of you've just got
married and I mean that's hugeadjustments, right?
And it's updating.
You're just figuring things out.
(09:26):
The next step for a lot ofcouples is maybe trying to have
children or deciding not to havechildren or not being able to
have children right.
All of those things requireupdates and adjusting, because
it's difficult and then ifchildren do come along, that can
be really difficult and ablessing at the same time.
(09:50):
But it needs an update.
We aren't the same exact person.
Danny Ray (09:56):
Okay, that makes sense Right.
Kimberly (09:58):
That we were somebody.
So a new job, a new New job,new kids Any of that could mean
lack of sleep.
I know new kids is kind offunny, but you've got foster,
you've got whatever right, yeah,yeah.
Danny Ray (10:11):
So new kids this weekend it happens.
Kimberly (10:15):
Whatever God calls us to right Well, okay, not us on
the new kids thing, but anyway,so may have shown too many cards
there.
So regular communication andupdating and talking to each
other and going, okay, you knowwhat?
We're in a season of lack ofsleep or we're in a season of
(10:40):
teenagers and where sometimesparenting we think that with
teenagers it's going to be lesshands-on and some of it needs to
be more hands-on than expected,and so any of those, those are
seasons and those requireupdating in the marriage,
because if we just leave it theway it is and we go through all
(11:02):
those transitions and keepthinking that it'll just be okay
and fix itself, that's settingyourselves up for a fail really.
Danny Ray (11:13):
So ideas if you're in a season where you're needing
an update.
Uh, proverbs 19 20 says listento the advice and accept
discipline and at the end, youwill be counted among the wise.
Is we want to be among the wiseand we want to, um, listen to
the advice of people who havebeen there.
So if you're entering a new job, you could talk to other people
(11:37):
like how did you make thosechanges?
If you're moving locations evenwhen we moved across town,
there's still changes andupdates that needed to happen.
But, talking to people that havebeen there, done that and, as
we've said so many times on here, ephesians 4.32 says be kind
(12:00):
and compassionate to one anotherforgive each other, just as
Christ God forgave you right, aswe want to be kind and
compassionate, forgiving eachother constantly.
You know we talk about hittingthat reset button is in a season
of update.
You're definitely going to talkabout hitting that reset button
is in an a season of update.
You're definitely going to wantto hit that reset and like hey.
Kimberly (12:22):
I little more often.
Danny Ray (12:24):
I'm learning to adjust to kind of our new normal
.
Um, let me reset and say thisagain or try this again, but for
each other, having that mutualkindness and compassion and
working towards constantlyforgiving each other will help
with the updating.
All right.
Kimberly (12:43):
Definitely so.
Number two apps and features.
An iPhone comes with a varietyof apps and features right, so
each thing, each app or featureserves a different purpose to
enhance your experience of usingthe iPhone right.
Danny Ray (12:59):
Right.
Kimberly (12:59):
So in marriage, same thing with both partners.
Both spouses bring differentunique qualities, skills,
interests that enrich therelationship.
Right that enhance therelationship.
Right that enhance therelationship.
Um, may not always feel likethat that they're enhancing the
(13:20):
relationship, but it can be um,and embracing those differences
adds really like depth and howyeah, how do people embrace
those differences?
Danny Ray (13:33):
so so you know, sometimes we'll hear from
younger couples like we lovedoing everything together.
Kimberly (13:39):
We have so much in common relationship.
Danny Ray (13:42):
It's not that you don't enjoy some common ground,
but in any relationship there'scommon ground and then there's
differences.
So with those differences, howdo you find like mutual respect?
(14:08):
What's that?
Do you see what I'm saying?
Like the change that?
Could happen there.
How?
Kimberly (14:12):
do you avoid that or adapt to?
Danny Ray (14:13):
that there?
How do you avoid that or adaptto that?
Kimberly (14:15):
Well, a few things come to mind.
I'm thinking.
You know, the healthiestrelationships have a combination
of where you have yourindividuality.
I have mine, and that mightreflect in interests that we
have.
Or hobbies I don't have any,you have many.
Danny Ray (14:36):
The way you're wired.
Kimberly (14:36):
You have many um right there, the way you're wired,
the way I'm wired, the way wethink, the way we talk, like
there are so many differencesacross the board.
Um, but then when we cometogether in marriage, then we
are intentional about okay,what's?
I always think of that Venndiagram that we learned in
school.
Right, that they're the twocircles.
So you're in your circle, I'min mine, but where do the two
(14:58):
overlap?
in marriage right.
So that overlapping is thatit's interdependence, it's
depending on each other, it'scounting on each other, it's
loving each other, it's beingintentional about finding things
to do together.
Being intentional about findingthings to do together, and
(15:19):
again, those things could changethroughout different seasons of
life.
Too right, we have to readjustand go okay, wait a minute,
there's more.
I think where I, when I reflectback through the what are we
gonna celebrate?
28 years, 28?
Danny Ray (15:35):
years, 28 years, 28 years of marriage.
Okay, I started to doubt myself.
Kimberly (15:42):
When I look back, I think of how, when we were new
parents brand new parents and Iwrongly thought that I knew how
to do things I thought I've beentraining for this I thought
momming would be easy for me.
And boy was I wrong.
But not only that.
(16:03):
I thought my way was right mostof the time, and it took a
little while and things did notgo well that way.
Um, and when I was finally moreopen to okay, wait a minute
your ways potentially, eventhough they're not the same as
(16:24):
mine, your ways could actuallypicking up all the pain at the
same time and getting it out thedoor all at once, instead of 12
trips uh-huh, just like thepain thing.
So maybe not all of your thingswork out, but not all of mine do
either.
And so when you, when you were,um, when I basically stopped
(16:45):
stopping you, like, stoppedpreventing you from being the
dad that you've been designed tobe, and allowed you to do it
your way, no matter like howweird I thought it might be,
that gave you a, the gave youthe responsibility that that you
(17:05):
earned.
You helped create this kidright.
So it was.
So you know your responsibilityto part.
Yeah, oh wow um so then there'salso the um, gosh, and how do I
put this that you became like Iwas hindering you, I was keeping
you from being the good dadthat you were designed to be
(17:27):
right if I never give you achance at it.
So that gave you that chance,and then you it turned out that
some of your ideas were reallygood and then other things were
still kind of crazy, and and soI my way of adapting to that.
Do you remember I had a buttonmade that I put on the children
(17:48):
when you dressed them?
My daddy dressed me that way, Ididn't feel like people were
going to judge my child that.
Oh wow, your mom's crazy.
Nope, it pointed directly toyou and how you had dressed the
children.
So there's teamwork.
But back to so variety.
(18:10):
We certainly have a ton ofvariety in just being designed
so differently and they sayopposites attract and there's a
lot of truth in that.
Yes, we have some similaritiesbut definitely a lot of
differences, and that's OK andthat's the huge key is learning
(18:33):
to embrace it right that thoseapps and features, like we said
for the iPhone, they all servedifferent purposes but they can
enhance life or enhance theexperience.
Danny Ray (18:48):
So number three yes, what is number three?
Kimberly (18:51):
Battery life.
I like that.
We've talked about this before,too, in other ways but battery
life on your phone and batterylife in marriage, right.
Danny Ray (19:02):
I feel like this is one we use all the time is when
you'll say I'm coming in onempty or you know we talk about
like I'm exhausted.
I'm like at 5% battery liferight now.
Kimberly (19:14):
I've.
Danny Ray (19:14):
I've got nothing left .
I'm going to, you know, fallout soon, and so one of the the
conversations we have is how canI, how can I fill you up, how
can I make things better?
Even yesterday, there was asilly situation that happened
where you-.
Kimberly (19:34):
I left my phone inside the office and locked myself
out, so I couldn't even go backin the office to get the phone,
because the app on the phone iswhat unlocks it.
Danny Ray (19:44):
Yes, yeah, but I mean not that big of a deal in the
grand scheme of things, but youhad already had you'd been at
work for eight, nine hours, plusthe drive Full day.
Kimberly (19:56):
I was exhausted, you're exhausted.
Hungry, needed to go potty.
All of the things.
Danny Ray (20:01):
So I knew you're coming in on empty and so you
know I'm asking how can I servewhat?
Can you know what's that looklike?
And you do the same for me whenI'm running on empty.
In fact, this week, the same,you know, weekend, I was coming
home from Waypoint and I think Ihad breakfast, but I didn't
(20:22):
have lunch and I didn't havedinner.
It's nine o'clock at night.
I'm coming home, I have lunchand then have dinner, and it's
nine nine o'clock at night I'mcoming home I'm like, hey, is
there any chance?
Kimberly (20:36):
I'm not sure that I fed you that time.
I'm not sure that's a goodexample.
I think I was on empty that one, but I usually do.
Danny Ray (20:39):
I usually do.
But you did say I can't get offthe couch right now, I can't
throw that pizza in for, butwhat you could do is take
yourself to Chick-fil-A.
So most of the time.
Kimberly (20:51):
So there are times I mean that just points to there
are times where, hey, both, bothof us are going to have lower
batteries, right, majority ofthe time, we can help compensate
for each other, and thesearen't long-term things we're
talking about just on a dailybasis.
Um, and yeah, being, it's notthe, if you put in 50%.
Danny Ray (21:16):
I put in 50%.
Kimberly (21:17):
Right, that's an old way of thinking about marriage
and, uh, not a not a healthy one.
So, battery life and andsharing that battery life with
each other and saying, hey, thisis where I'm at, because we
can't just make assumptions thatway.
Yeah, we need to be honest.
Danny Ray (21:33):
I think this is where we want to continue to have our
energy come from Christ, fromthe center of everything we do
is having God in the center.
I think of Philippians 4.13.
That says I can do all thingsthrough Christ, who strengthens
me.
It's not that you know I couldgo jump to the moon because you
(21:53):
know I say some prayer, but whenI'm living and doing the things
that God's designed me to do,you know I can ask him for
strength and he becomes thatstrength even when I'm weak.
He becomes strong.
And so I think, even a coupleof weeks ago, when I was um, um
speaking, preaching at um achurch, a local church, and you
(22:18):
you knew I was just kind of likedown like the weight of that
message was on me and you gaveme different verses to encourage
me, to remind me, to inspire me, to remind me, to inspire me to
speak into my life, and I thinkthose are the things we could
do.
When the other person'sbattery's down, how can I serve
if I have nothing left?
How can I give them anopportunity to go to Chick-fil-A
(22:39):
?
Kimberly (22:40):
God's chicken.
Danny Ray (22:45):
How can I send a verse, how can I write a note to
speak into my um, in my case my, my wife's life you know, your
spouse's life and encourage them.
Kimberly (22:57):
I think one last thing on a battery life would be that
we have to both invest time andmake an effort to recharge the
relationship, and that happensthrough quality time, affection,
shared experiences, things thatwe do together and for us.
(23:18):
I know, with our anniversarycoming up, we are we don't have
it planned yet, but we areworking on a plan to carve out
that time and no matter what itends up being, um, we know that
we need to be intentional abouthaving time where it's just the
two of us and just um, uh yeah,having a shared experience and
(23:40):
hanging out together to recharge.
Danny Ray (23:42):
Recharges our battery kind of long-term you know
having those weekends away thatwe try to do on a regular basis.
Let me pause us here.
Kimberly (23:50):
Okay.
Danny Ray (23:51):
And this is going to be part one, but I am going to
ask for a favor before you go Ifyou could get on to whatever
you're listening to this on,whether it's Spotify or Apple
podcast or in, just do a reviewthat says you love it you hate
it.
Whatever your review is, we'renot saying, hey, give us a five
star, but just to give honestfeedback, and we would love to.
(24:15):
It's one of the few ways wecould find out what's going on
but it also helps other peopleto find this show.
The more ratings that arepositive, the more people that
go like hey it looks likethey're doing something right.
Kimberly (24:28):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (24:28):
And we want to be intentional with those things
and it doesn't hurt to ask.
So we're asking that you dothat.
Take a minute, not while you'redriving.
Kimberly (24:37):
Unless you are in.
Danny Ray (24:38):
New Hampshire, where you don't have seatbelt laws and
you can do whatever you wantlive free or die.
Kimberly (24:43):
I knew that was their license plate slogan but no
seatbelt laws really.
Danny Ray (24:49):
Yeah, it's the only one in the union, Everybody else
seatbelt laws.
Kimberly (24:51):
All right, you New Hampshire people, that's
hilarious.
Danny Ray (24:55):
We are way off topic, okay.
Kimberly (24:58):
Like it, subscribe to it, write a review, do something
that's awesome.
We love you guys.
We appreciate you.
See you soon.
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