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September 25, 2025 20 mins

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Danny Ray (magician & pastor) and Kimberly (AMFT) unpack what real, costly grace looks like in marriage — and why “cheap grace” (Bonhoeffer’s warning) often masquerades as forgiveness while bitterness quietly grows. Drawing on 29 years of marriage (and yes — a very messy paint story), they show how surprising, intentional acts of grace (“grace grenades”) can defuse conflict, invite repentance, and actually transform a relationship — but only when grace costs us something.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • The difference between cheap grace and real grace (Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s insight).
  • Why Biblical grace is a gift we’ve received and a costly pattern we’re called to imitate (Ephesians 2:8–9, Romans 5:8).
  • Practical ways to drop a grace grenade in everyday moments — from traffic tension to household projects.
  • How to extend grace without ignoring harmful patterns: forgiveness that transforms instead of sweeps things under the rug.
  • First steps to rebuild trust: why consistency matters and what it looks like in real life.

This is a no-fluff, real-life episode made for couples who want action, not just platitudes. If you’re tired of repeating the same fights and want practical ways to make grace the normal response in your home, press play.

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
We do

SPEAKER_02 (00:03):
whatever it takes.

SPEAKER_01 (00:30):
We do want to do whatever it takes.

SPEAKER_02 (01:00):
Hmm.
Yeah.
And, and grace, you know,

SPEAKER_01 (01:30):
when we're talking about grace from from god is
free to receive right that thathe's given us that freely and so
when we turn around and do thatfor somebody else that's real
grace that we're going okay iforgive you for whatever
happened whatever went wrong inour last episode we talked about

(01:52):
how you may or may not havespilt paint everywhere on our on
our carpet and uh yeah that It'snot that you deserved grace
necessarily in that moment, butit's what God's given to me.
So it's what I'm called to doand reflect for my spouse.

SPEAKER_02 (02:16):
Right.
And if you listen to that,you'll see we didn't do it
perfectly on either side.
That's true.
But it is the goal to respondwith grace.
So we have this idea for us, foryou, of holding a grace grenade
in our hand where we're walkingWhether that's into a car ride
with each other, on a datenight, coming home from work,

(02:37):
cooking dinner, whatever thosesituations are, we're ready to
drop grace into that situationat any moment.
In Ephesians 2, 8 through 9, itsays this.

SPEAKER_01 (02:47):
For it is by grace you have been saved, through
faith.
And this is not from yourselves.
It is a gift of God, not byworks, so that no one can boast.

SPEAKER_02 (02:59):
So grace is a gift of God.
is a gift.
It wasn't free.
It cost Jesus everything, right?
And so it cost us something.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, cheapgrace is grace without
discipleship, grace without thecross, grace without Jesus
Christ.
So we don't want that type ofgrace that doesn't cost us

(03:19):
anything, right?
But we want that grace that costus that we go, you know what?
I have to give up maybe my rightto respond in a way that I feel
is appropriate because thisperson

SPEAKER_01 (03:32):
that's a good way to put that yeah we are so taught
in this culture that well youhave the right to respond you're
upset you can just say whateverthe heck you want to this person
because you're angry and youshould be angry or you like you
have the right to that's totallyyeah and God of course calls us
to do what's counter culturalright and to do the opposite of

(03:57):
that and go okay yeah I can Ican be upset and I need to
acknowledge that, but I don'thave to tear you down in that.
And I can get to a point where Ican give grace and forgiveness
and not just not sweeping itunder the rug, right?
I

SPEAKER_02 (04:15):
think you see that in counseling, you know, where
people, they think that they'regiving grace, but they're just
being passive or sweeping itunder the rug.

SPEAKER_01 (04:23):
It's true.
It's really an interesting, Idon't know, phenomenon, if you
will, that that I would say, inmy experience, women in
particular are finding itdifficult to figure out where
that line is of grace.
The tendency seems to be, well,I'll just, I have to forgive him

(04:48):
because he did this or this andcontinue.
It's not just about forgiveness.
They continue to tolerate thebehavior that's not okay, that's
not acceptable.
They're hurt by the behavior.
And yet there's this beliefthat, well, I'll just have grace
and then not even discuss it,not work on changing the

(05:10):
patterns, not sharing the hurt.
And that's where it goes awry.
That's where it's cheap.
It's not grace.
It's sweeping it under the rug.
It's passivity.
It's ignoring it, essentially.
So instead of, yeah, forgivingdoesn't mean ignoring.
Okay.

(05:30):
Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_02 (05:59):
Yeah.

(06:29):
or to make a change that graceshould be leading us toward.

SPEAKER_01 (06:59):
i'm in control of myself like that i'm not
flipping out and just lettingloose on you but i'm calm and
going okay this hurts or i don'tlike this but i can say that
calmly and i can um yeah justoffer i

SPEAKER_02 (07:17):
think it's vulnerable you know when you're

SPEAKER_01 (07:20):
yeah

SPEAKER_02 (07:21):
showing grace it might mean you take another
punch you take another hit um

SPEAKER_01 (07:26):
we mean metaphorically

SPEAKER_02 (07:27):
metaphorically

SPEAKER_01 (07:29):
just to be clear you're right do not take any
physical actual punches fromanybody so

SPEAKER_02 (07:40):
but you risk being misunderstood yeah

SPEAKER_01 (07:44):
yeah when we're vulnerable you risk yeah

SPEAKER_02 (07:47):
yeah but the the reward is is deeper you know
when we deeper connection witheach other when we when we
choose to offer grace i think itthe other person when we really
receive grace we really Like, Ididn't deserve that.
You know, she didn't get angryat me.
She chose to love me, to walkwith me, to be kind toward me.

(08:08):
Wow.
I want to honor her and care forher,

SPEAKER_01 (08:14):
speaking of her.
like this or that when youresponded in such and such way,
it hurt me.

(08:35):
And which is not easy for me tocome to and say that in the
first place.
But I bring something up, let'ssay, and you respond.
And this happens vice versa aswell.
But you

SPEAKER_02 (08:49):
could just say it.
No,

SPEAKER_01 (08:52):
no, no.
I don't have an actual example.
I can just picture kind of howwe've been trying to work on
this.
And that your initial reactionyou've wanted to be defensive
yeah but in I think there'salmost a switch that flips and

(09:13):
you go when you don't see mereacting the way I used to react
to your defensiveness right Imight be really frustrated with
that and have kind of taken theconflict off track if you will
and it goes Because now we'refocused on, well, you shouldn't
attack me like that.

(09:34):
You shouldn't say that youshouldn't like, and then we're
talking about yourdefensiveness.
And does that

SPEAKER_02 (09:43):
make sense?
no traffic no which neverhappened so but when we're about

(10:05):
three miles away from our exityou'll start to like start to
move over I'm like in my defaultis to get defensive because I'm
like three miles in traffic Ihave 20 minutes I will be fine
getting over doesn't matter howmany lanes I could do it easily
in less than a mile easily inless than half a mile but

(10:28):
because you know, you're like,oh, are you going to get over?
I'm like, it's three miles out.
It is like my initialdefensiveness.
Like,

SPEAKER_01 (10:36):
yeah,

SPEAKER_02 (10:37):
I know I am

SPEAKER_01 (10:38):
going to defend my right to drive the way I want to
drive, which is fair to

SPEAKER_02 (10:44):
make you feel safe when I move over and you feel at
ease that, oh, we will get off.
But I'm like, well, we haveplenty of time to get off.
So

SPEAKER_01 (10:57):
that's true.
But what switches is when Whenyou've made that decision, you
go, okay, this isn't about meand how I'm driving.
This is about making her feelsafe.
Right.
On the journey.
The

SPEAKER_02 (11:07):
switch is going, I want to give you that feeling of
safety and that grace, if youwill, to experience like a
different side of me instead ofthe defensive and creates
tension between us.

SPEAKER_00 (11:24):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (11:24):
Even if technically like that's my right to stay in
this lane.
It is.

SPEAKER_01 (11:59):
Oh, that's pretty funny because I guess we're both
capable of screwing that up.
So not getting over in time andtraffic.
That is true.
Anyway.

SPEAKER_02 (12:13):
But the key is that we want to show grace because
grace helps to transform therelationship.
It helps to transform theconversation.
And we just see that all thetime when we give grace.
And

SPEAKER_01 (12:30):
grace, remember, our key memo is the word.
That's not what I mean.

SPEAKER_02 (12:38):
Mantra?

SPEAKER_01 (12:39):
Sure.
Statement?
Statement for today, yeah.
That grace doesn't excuse, ittransforms, right?
I want to make sure that'scoming across that we're not
excusing the bad behavior,right?
So cheap grace, or I would saynot grace, but Bonhoeffer's
smarter than I am, so cheapgrace.
Cheap Grace says, you hurt me,but I'll just stuff it down and

(13:04):
say it's fine.
Or Real Grace says, you hurt me,I forgive you, and I want us to
grow from this.
Right?
Can you think of another one?

SPEAKER_02 (13:14):
We're constantly like, if I break trust with you,
it's easy to just blame you forthat and just

SPEAKER_01 (13:28):
get out of

SPEAKER_02 (13:28):
your case.

SPEAKER_01 (13:29):
Or for me, like as a pleaser, it's, well, I want to
avoid the conflict.
So you broke my trust.
I won't bring it up, though,because I don't want the
conflict.
And that's not grace.

SPEAKER_02 (13:41):
Yeah.
What would grace look like inthat situation?

SPEAKER_01 (13:44):
Yeah.
Real grace says you broke mytrust, but I love you too much
to let this keep happening.
Let's work through this.
Can we talk about how to changethis and how to rebuild the
trust?
Right.
So I haven't avoided theconflict or the topic.

SPEAKER_02 (13:59):
I feel like that's a whole nother subject of
rebuilding trust.
But could you give us, I know alot of people are coming into
the counseling office with trustissues.
And one of the things you haveto talk about is like, how do we
rebuild that trust that's beenbroken?
I'm sure there's some listenerswhere there's trust that's been
broken.
And we want that to be fixed,like overnight right now.

SPEAKER_01 (14:21):
Yeah, yeah, it's not a not a microwave situation
where you can just do it thatquickly.
But trust takes time.
And even if we're talkingsomething minor that somebody
says, I'll be there on time andthey're not, that's still a
trust that's broken.
And for me, I always liken it toa child who's broken your trust.

(14:46):
You know, the first time if yourkid lies to you, it makes it
really, really hard to trustthem again after that.
And it's the same thing inmarriage.
It takes some time to rebuildthat and continue to trust them.
consistency, right?
Being constantly aware andreally making sure that, okay, I

(15:07):
broke it.
I need to fix it.
I need to rebuild it.
And there's no, it doesn'tmatter how many times I, if I'm
the one that's broken your trustand I go, okay, but I've done it
10 times now where I didn'tbreak your trust.
I should have built it by now.
You should trust me by now.

SPEAKER_02 (15:24):
When you say consistency, like what's that
look like?
Is that a week, a month, a year?
Like what Yeah.

(15:59):
I've been honest for a week.
Nope, I'm home.
I'm month.
I'm coming home.
No traffic.
I'll be there around this time.
And I give you my location.
All those

SPEAKER_01 (16:11):
things help.
Yeah, all those things help.
But it's also, it's a repentantheart that also helps make that
shift back to trust.

SPEAKER_02 (16:22):
Okay, so I'm just kind of playing this through.
So if I say, hey, look, I'vegiven you my location.
I've done this for a week.
I've done this for a month.
Look, that kind ofdefensiveness.

SPEAKER_01 (16:37):
Yeah.
Okay.
Good.
I'm glad you hear it because Iwas like, oh, this feels very
defensive.
I've done this.
I've done that.
I've done this.

SPEAKER_02 (16:44):
It is.
It doesn't show the repentantheart, even though it shows the
consistency

SPEAKER_01 (16:48):
that you talked about.
Yes.
So I would say you need both.

SPEAKER_02 (16:51):
Yeah.
So with that repentant heart oflike, babe, I'm so sorry.
I just want to let you know I'mcoming home.
I will be home at this.
time if there's traffic I'll letyou know but you also have my
location I just want to try tobe transparent and honest with
you and I'll be there so thathappens for a week that happens
for a month where I'm just like

SPEAKER_01 (17:10):
well then at some point it's on me to give that
grace and and and forgivenessand go okay like that's we're
called to that so that's notokay if I well you broke my
trust a year ago and you stillhave to like that's for Yeah,
that's a good way to put it.

SPEAKER_02 (17:59):
give a little bit as you said that

SPEAKER_01 (18:01):
i'll allow it so couples please do not confuse
grace with pretending thateverything's okay grace isn't
silent it's the strength toforgive while still speaking
truth right we need to um andthat's what

SPEAKER_02 (18:23):
jesus did is he embodied yeah so perfectly you
know with the on the womancaught in adultery you know um
all all the people are therethey're ready to stone her and
jesus you know essentially sendsthem all away in his own way um
but then you know where where iseverybody does nobody condemn
you neither do i but go and sinno more you know so he

SPEAKER_01 (18:46):
gives the grace and that forgiveness doesn't
humiliate her doesn't does theopposite yeah

SPEAKER_02 (18:52):
calls her to a new way of life

SPEAKER_01 (18:54):
yeah yeah such a good example for sure so let's
give our weekly Grace GrenadeChallenge.

SPEAKER_02 (19:02):
All right.
I feel like I should have yougive the challenge this week.
All

SPEAKER_01 (19:07):
right.
All right.
Okay.
You love the challenges.
That's fine.
I'll take this one.
So this week, notice thedifference in your own marriage.
Where have you been offeringcheap grace by just smoothing
things over, shoving it down?
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