November 30, 2023 • 25 mins
Christmas is the season of joy, love, and...drama? Let’s face it, the holidays can sometimes bring out the worst in our families. We've all been there - from Uncle Larry's incessant political ramblings to the simmering tension between your sister and her spouse. But what if we told you that you could take control of these situations, navigate tricky family dynamics, and truly enjoy your holiday? That's what our latest episode is all about!
We dive headfirst into the meaty subject of blending holiday traditions in a marriage. We expose the raw and real experiences we've faced while managing car rides filled with antsy kids, and the challenges that newlyweds or blended families confront when integrating differing traditions. We learned, sometimes the hard way, that prioritizing your own family's needs over trying to keep everyone else happy is the key to a peaceful Christmas. We also stress the importance of setting boundaries, not just for your sanity but also to foster a healthier relationships with your loved ones.
Lastly, we discuss the elephant in the room - forgiveness. As we reveal our personal experiences, the power of forgiveness becomes apparent, especially when it comes to family. But, we're not talking about shallow "forgive and forget" kind of forgiveness; we mean the deep, let-it-go kind of forgiveness that brings true peace and joy. So, sit back, tune in, and get ready to make this Christmas the best one yet – filled with love, connection, and positivity. Let's journey together to create beautiful Christmas memories.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kimberly (00:00):
Welcome back.
And today we are talking aboutavoiding Christmas drama.
Danny Ray (00:05):
Family drama?
It's never happened to anybody.
We don't know what you'retalking about, babe.
Kimberly (00:11):
Yeah, our Thanksgiving was just perfect.
Danny Ray (00:14):
No, it was actually not, but yeah, but that wasn't a
drama as much as just hardshipand having your mom for the
first time in the hospitalduring On a holiday.
Kimberly (00:25):
yeah, yeah that was more just, difficult and
navigating that as a family anddifference of opinions and all
these different things, sure butyeah, and sometimes we can't
avoid it, but other times thereare some specific things that we
know are going to happen orthere's potential for these
things to happen when we'regetting ready for the holidays,
(00:47):
getting ready for Christmas, andthere are ways that we can
avoid some of the drama.
Danny Ray (00:54):
So yeah, so we were going to look at that today is
how do we avoid family drama andreally connect well and make
the most of the season.
How do we be present and reallytry to draw close to Christ
during this?
I feel like one of those thingslike there's so much focus on
the commercial Christmas that wemiss the center of Christmas,
(01:17):
which is Jesus, and we can getcaught up in so many other
things and, with the best ofintentions, we could still miss
out on so many greatopportunities, which are being
with family and loving ourneighbors and connecting with
people that we might not haveseen in a while.
Even when you have crazyfamilies, there's still
(01:39):
opportunities to be a blessing,to speak words of life and
encouragement.
So we want to look at that today.
How do we really One of thethings that I am stumbling over
words here, but that's okay, butwe want to look at how do we
avoid that family drama.
That's what I was looking for,but I was trying to say it at
(02:00):
the same time is we really wantto not just avoid but create
these great experiences?
So on one hand.
We're running from things thatmight trip us up and we're
running towards something thatwill free us and something that
will create great memories forus.
Kimberly (02:19):
Amen.
That is a biblical principlethat we try and put into
practice all the time in ourwalk.
So avoiding some of the dramameans talking through some of
the potential landmines,potential hiccups, however you
want to put it right.
Danny Ray (02:40):
So what we look at is if you have a stage as a
magician right.
I'm on a lot of differentstages.
It'd be interesting if I wouldhave taken a picture of every
stage.
I think it's probably thousandsand thousands of stages.
And I've only tripped on threeof them and almost broken a
(03:00):
couple of things, but thankfullyhave not One of them.
At a men's conference they alllaughed and they just thought it
was the funniest thing.
That's part of the show and I'mlike, well, that's just the way
that goes.
But is I look at it like astage that has trapdoors in it?
Oh, and a great stage mighthave one or two trapdoors, but
(03:24):
in terms of stage.
But for this analogy, whenwe're looking at our marriages
and there's 25, 30, 40, all of asudden it's just like how do I
walk across the stage Sounds?
Kimberly (03:36):
terrible.
You don't want to walk acrossthe stage with that many
landmines Any moment.
Danny Ray (03:40):
my spouse could pull that trapdoor and it's like, hi,
you did this and just lookingfor those ways to trap your
spouse and go like.
You always do this and it feellike, or it doesn't even have to
be your spouse in thesesituations.
Sometimes it's another familymember that says something, but
you take it out on your spouse,or you get frustrated with your
(04:03):
spouse and it's not even aboutthem, but you can't yell at this
other person or be frustratedwith this other person, so you
take it out on one another.
So how do we avoid thesepitfalls, these trapdoors?
Kimberly (04:15):
Yeah, A huge part of that is really just carving out
time to have a conversation,just the two of you you and your
spouse and going OK, let'spicture this together.
How's this going to go?
Are we going to this Christmasparty?
Are we going to that one?
Can we do them all?
Maybe it's too much, Maybe oneof us cannot handle all of that.
Danny Ray (04:37):
We will teach you a secret word that not many people
know.
It's two letters N-O.
Don't tell anybody about thissecret.
Kimberly (04:46):
I've been accused of using that word a little too
much.
So some of us might err on theother side, but more often than
not, yeah, there are.
Danny Ray (04:53):
There is power in in saying no to the right things.
Kimberly (04:56):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (04:57):
Because when you say yes, you are saying no to
something else.
Kimberly (05:01):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (05:02):
Yeah.
So just saying yes isn't alwaysthe right answer, especially
when it comes to avoiding someof the family drama.
There might be something.
You just need to go.
You know what this never turnsout well for us.
Kimberly (05:15):
Yeah, this isn't worth .
Why are we doing this?
Yeah?
Danny Ray (05:17):
going to doesn't add value to our family.
We're doing it out of guilt orobligation, not because there's
any sense of want to be there,and so we're going to say no
this year, yeah.
Kimberly (05:31):
So yeah, saying no is a really good one, but talking
through those potential hiccupsfor us, there were times anytime
driving in the car, so we'renot just talking about going to
Wait when I'm driving or whenyou're driving.
Oh, those are two totallydifferent things.
Danny Ray (05:47):
I thought they were the same.
I thought when I was driving,you were driving.
Kimberly (05:51):
Oh, I'd like to be.
Danny Ray (05:52):
That is the truth, but let's not go there, you know
, over hitting that horn.
Kimberly (05:57):
No, no, that's not what this one's about.
We'll tackle that another timeyou break about 6,000 feet
before I word All right, allright, the other wives are with
me on this, so don't even somoving right along.
But it does mean that when wetalk through the hiccups or the
potential landmines or trapdoorswe're talking about, okay, are
you even going to go to thisparty or that party or say yes
(06:20):
to this event or that event?
So sift through it together,decide on what ones make sense
for you guys as a family.
You don't have to say yes toeverything and then think
through the actual practicalpart of getting your.
Let's say you've got children,getting your children ready and
dressed and you want them to alllook amazing in their little
cute Christmas outfits and youwant them to show up at the
(06:44):
party still dressed, all cute intheir Christmas outfits and
without throw up on a bride orwhatever and so but life, life
happens, and being able to rollwith that.
I'm not saying I did great, butI've learned a lot and I feel
like I might be able to do itbetter now Let me give you.
Danny Ray (07:07):
let's back up and just look at the beginning of
our marriage and how God'sdesigned both of us and how what
you're saying is like I coulddo it different now is because
we've changed over the years.
Going into the marriage, kim,you are like and I love this
side of you but ultra superplanner, every detail laid out.
Kimberly (07:30):
I want to know.
I used to be, yes, yes, I wantto know it.
You took that right out of me.
Forget the plan.
There's no plan.
It's not going to work.
Danny Ray (07:38):
Well, so you?
Get it and then on my side,what's the plan?
Let's just go.
Kimberly (07:43):
Who cares, you know, if we get there late if we don't
get there late I did care about, but the details of like the
day didn't matter.
Danny Ray (07:54):
It's like I don't all work out.
Kimberly (07:56):
No, it does not just work out.
We have to make things happenthe way.
I didn't realize you weremaking them work out.
Yeah, welcome to the family.
Danny Ray (08:04):
So now fast forward.
There is a blend on my side togo like, hey, let's do some
planning, and on your side, hey,it's okay if it doesn't all go
according to plan.
You have to look at what areyour personalities and then
figure out how can we blendthose together.
I don't want to say it's justcompromise, but it's really.
(08:26):
Really.
God's brought the two of youtogether for a reason, and part
of the reason for me was likethat lack of structure wasn't
the best, like purpose anddesign for who God's designed me
to be, and you've helped me tobecome a better man in that area
and vice versa.
And so those are things thatyou can learn to help shape each
(08:49):
other in terms of how God'sdesigned you to be, without it
being a forceful like hey, youhave to do this, and nagging and
all those things that willactually repel the other person.
Kimberly (08:59):
Right right.
But in terms of having aconversation and talking about
these things ahead of time, yeah, so talking through Each of the
things, like I'm kind of goingthrough every step of the way,
if you say yes to the event orno to the event, if you have to
get the kids ready or getyourself ready, make sure you
have an actual amount of timethat's appropriate to do that,
(09:26):
setting yourselves up forsuccess.
I think that's really whatyou're looking to do with the
getting in the car and you getthe kids there to sing along, or
the family event that you'regoing to, or all those things
Talking through.
Okay, I need help with thisasking each other for help and
(09:48):
getting it ready.
What's most important to you?
That you guys have fun at theevent, or maybe it really is
legitimate that the photos haveto look really good for you.
That's important to you.
Like, just communicating thosethings to each other is a big
deal.
And then, what time you'regoing to leave for the event,
because you both need to be onthe same page with that In the
(10:12):
in the car rides.
For us, car rides with kids overthe years have meant oftentimes
visiting family in San Diego.
So two hour car rides for us.
We learned to basically ask ourkids to not talk to us when we
were in a transition and whatthat meant was when the free,
(10:37):
when we're on the freeway, andit's pretty much a straight shot
for most of it.
But then we get off the freewaybecause we have to stop
somewhere and the kids know justall of a sudden there's this
big transition and the kids knowto like, oh wait, I need this
or I need that, or they startfighting over something, or you
(10:57):
know, there was always, justinevitably there was something.
And then they had to ask us awhole bunch of questions and it
was like, okay, hang on, you'vehad the entire ride to ask us
questions, but here we aregetting off the freeway and we
don't know where we're going, orwe don't know what we're doing,
or maybe traffic just gotreally bad there, and so we
would just tell them hey guys,hang on, this is a transition.
Danny Ray (11:17):
Yeah, that was the thing is.
We would tell them, though, soit wasn't just don't ask
questions.
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, we'regoing to get off, get gas, we're
going to grab some food andthen we're going to do this.
Everybody just hang tight, putthis away, do this you know, so
that we help them to transition.
Well, oh, the other thing andthis was our secret sauce that I
(11:37):
forgot about is we gave them awarning on that.
If we knew is because when wejust would get off the freeway
just turn to chaos.
But when we learned to say, hey, in 10 minutes, and they would
all look up like 10 minutes, youknow, in five minutes, hey,
we're getting off the freeway.
Yes, but that worked 10,000times better.
(11:57):
So if you're yeah.
If you have kids time thoseheads up, yeah and that worked
for us in everything, whether itwas going to bed, whether it
was hey, we're all going towatch a movie together, we're
all going to the movies, we'reall going to LA, we're all,
whatever that was as we wouldand I think we still do this and
(12:19):
there are adult children.
We're like hey, we're leavinghere in 15 minutes hey five
minutes.
Everybody in the car.
Hey, we are getting in the carnow you know so but there's so
much better at that.
now they're just in the car.
We're like where are they?
Oh, it's just us.
We're the ones running late.
Kimberly (12:37):
I don't know if that's exactly how it goes, but moving
right along.
So, talking through all thosethings, having a game plan, it's
just so important that you'reon the same page when you're
talking about holidays,especially let's talk about
blending, not transitionsblending traditions.
Danny Ray (12:59):
Traditions, yeah, yeah is especially if you're
newly wed or in that first fiveyears you're still learning how
to blend.
Oh yeah, like do we go to myparents for Thanksgiving.
Do we go to yours?
If you're in a blended family,do we go to four Thanksgiving?
Kimberly (13:16):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (13:17):
Yeah, it gets really tricky and you have to be honest
with what's best for your ownfamily and not just looking to
please everyone, becausesometimes in trying to please
everyone you end up pleasing noone yeah.
Yeah, but I'll take a funny onefor us.
(13:39):
So growing up.
Kimberly (13:42):
I didn't know it at the time.
Danny Ray (13:43):
But when I was growing up, we always got our
tree Christmas Eve and it wasalways really fast.
It was always like get in thecar, let's go, let's go, let's
go.
I didn't realize we werestealing the tree.
That is just not okay, Ithought getting a tree a month
early when you wanted to do thatbabe, I was like what A month
early we get it the day up Likethere's a deal.
(14:06):
No.
Kimberly (14:08):
First of all, never okay to steal, and that is a
bizarre tradition your familyhad.
We laugh at it now and stuff,but I think it really did come
from a place initially that theyjust didn't have the money.
It was a large family and thatwas years ago, right?
At least that's what I'm goingto tell myself.
Danny Ray (14:25):
You keep telling yourself that.
Kimberly (14:28):
But yeah, for us, for our first Christmas, we
definitely had to talk throughexpectations.
We were living out in Coloradoat the time and no family around
, so that didn't.
That wasn't an issue that year.
But still, what traditions wereimportant to you?
(14:50):
What was important to me?
What did we want to starttogether?
Danny Ray (14:53):
And I think that's the key word is what's important
to you.
It's silly sometimes the thingsthat are important to us.
Kimberly (15:01):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (15:02):
Early on.
It was really important to meto have a live tree.
We didn't cut it down.
Your family would go cut itdown.
Kimberly (15:10):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (15:10):
But so early on we did the live tree but we both
found out I'm allergic.
My kids were allergic.
Kimberly (15:16):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (15:16):
And I was like no live tree.
This is the way to go and youwere, like we need to go with an
artificial tree, you're allallergic.
Kimberly (15:24):
Look at your face.
Yeah, Look at that kid's face.
I don't care, Not to mentionthe price.
Unfortunately went so high onthe real tree.
And then you're throwing it out, and in Southern California the
sad truth is they don't last.
Danny Ray (15:37):
They do, if you get it on the 24th.
Kimberly (15:39):
Nobody's getting it on the 24th.
We want it on right afterThanksgiving, so come on, but
the heat just doesn't work.
Danny Ray (15:48):
The silliness of that of like oh, I want a live tree
versus artificial.
Kimberly (15:52):
It is a big deal.
Danny Ray (15:53):
Yeah, it could seem like, oh, who cares?
But if that's important to youor that's a tradition, that's
part of your family and you wantthat to be a part of the new
family unit, you and your spouse, or you and your spouse and
your kids, is talking about thatand not trivializing it, is
saying this is why it'simportant.
It reminds me of these thingsand sometimes some of those are
(16:16):
deeply rooted in stories or infamily traditions and have a lot
of power in doing that andcontinuing that tradition.
So don't just trivialize it.
Have that conversation butrealize that that tradition
might need to change or lookdifferent with you and your.
I was going to say your currentspouse and your spouse You're
(16:40):
my first one, oh yes.
Kimberly (16:42):
And guess what?
I'm also your last.
Danny Ray (16:45):
Wow, good to know.
Kimberly (16:47):
That was a threat.
So moving right along in waysof avoiding Christmas drama.
The last thing we want to leaveyou with is dealing with family
conflict, ways of settingyourselves up for success, and
one of the basics is our culturetells us oh, you have to
(17:12):
forgive and forget.
Like that's what our culturesays, and yet that's not what's
biblical.
God talks a lot aboutforgiveness.
Absolutely, we are definitelycalled to forgive one another
because he's forgiven us, and sothat is absolutely imperative.
And when we don't forgive, it'sreally hurting us the most.
(17:35):
When we harbor resentment andanger towards somebody that's
hurt us even family membersright, that that's not.
Danny Ray (17:45):
Let me, yeah, go ahead.
Yeah, ephesians 432, it saysthis be kind and compassionate
to one another, forgiving eachother, just as in Christ, god
forgave you, and this might besomething that you want to talk
to your spouse about or reallyjust meditate on and really
think about.
How has God forgiven you inChrist?
(18:07):
You know what length did he goto, how much did he forgive you?
What's that look like for him?
to forgive you and the more weunderstand the depth of that,
the more we'll have the abilityto be kind and compassionate and
ultimately forgive other peopleof the offenses, because it's
not that they haven't donesomething wrong, right, it's
(18:31):
that they did something wrongand you were saying, even though
you did this and it hurt me orit took away something from me,
I'm going to forgive you in thesame way.
God's forgiven me.
Kimberly (18:42):
Absolutely my caveats or my addition to that is.
Danny Ray (18:49):
Wait, you're going to add to the scriptures.
Go ahead.
Kimberly (18:51):
No, no, no, not adding to scripture.
Not adding to scripture.
Danny Ray (18:56):
OK.
Kimberly (18:57):
But In line with Scripture.
Actually, we can forgive, andwe are definitely called to, but
we can also set boundaries sothat we're not continuing to
allow ourselves to be hurt bythe same person over and over.
So if you have somebody that'snot safe to be around in your
family, God's not asking you tostick with that.
(19:22):
That's not biblical.
So we have to forgive, but wealso have to set boundaries.
If you're not safe, If you'renot being able to no, I get.
Danny Ray (19:42):
What you're saying with the boundaries is we've got
to protect ourselves andprotect others, and I think
sometimes we think of boundary.
It's like a guardrail on theroad right.
It's there because, if enoughpeople have gone off this road
or off this cliff.
Kimberly (20:02):
It's like hey as a city, as a community let's put a
guardrail and protect people'slives.
Danny Ray (20:08):
So they don't drive off the cliff, yeah, and so it's
similar that way, where we'reas a married couple, we want to
put boundaries up in ourrelationship so that we're not
just going off the cliff orwe're not just injuring
ourselves or somebody elsebecause we didn't have
boundaries for our relationship.
(20:29):
And so when we look at familystuff, if there's somebody that
every time you talk to them it'sjust a toxic relationship and
they are saying things maybebody shaming, or maybe saying
things that are just demeaningor not adding any value to your
life.
Kimberly (20:48):
Or blaming.
I hear that a lot.
They're just blaming them aboutthings that they don't like,
things that went wrong in theirlife, and they're just okay.
Well, I'll blame it on my mom,I'll blame it on my dad, I'll
blame it on somebody.
Danny Ray (20:59):
Yeah, and so with those you could protect yourself
.
And even if it's a mentalprotection of saying, if they
say this I know that thesethings are true about who I am,
that I am a son or a daughter ofthe King of Kings, that I am
loved, that I am chosen, that Iam his beloved, that I am the
(21:20):
apple of his eye All thesethings that we know to be true
about who God's designed us tobe.
So when somebody's sayingthings, you don't need to be
deflective or just respond outof anger or out of hurt, you
could respond with gracious,with compassion, with love.
Kimberly (21:38):
And at the same time, that might look like walking
away from the conversation.
Right, that might be yourgracious way of responding and
that's your guardrail.
I'm not going to sit here andtake it.
If I know that this is a brutalor an unkind conversation, you
(21:59):
can dismiss yourself from it andwalk away kindly or
respectfully.
Danny Ray (22:04):
And then on the other side of that is God does call
us to love our enemies, and thatdoes mean engaging and loving
and being intentional about so.
There might be somebody thisChristmas season, this holiday
season, that has just beenagainst you, that you look for
an opportunity to love them, tocare for them, and that could
(22:28):
look different for each person,but that's I think sometimes we
forget that we don't just avoidenemies, but we want to connect.
And or not connect, I want to,but to love them.
That might look like prayingfor them.
There's a number of ways thatcould express itself, but it's
(22:49):
not always just avoiding thatcompletely.
Kimberly (22:52):
Yeah, that's going to depend on the person and what
you can handle and what'sappropriate that way.
But yeah, it's definitely okayto set some boundaries.
You know, I even even Jesussaid hey y'all, I'm going to
take the boat and I'm going overhere.
(23:12):
I've had enough of okay maybehe didn't put it that way, but
it was he needed a break to gobe with his father, to go, you
know, and that's okay too.
Maybe you're much more of anintrovert and it's just too many
people that you've been doingtoo much people and you need a
break, and that's okay too.
(23:32):
Knowing where your ownboundaries are is okay.
And to just take a minute toyourself and go Okay, no, I'm
good, I'm going back out thereand yeah so, yeah, so that
particular story yeah, jesus isis he?
Danny Ray (23:55):
he retreats for a little bit before he reconnects.
I think that is a part of hispulse and sometimes we need to
just retreat, connect with Godand then go engage again.
Yes, so these are a lot ofideas and thoughts on how to
avoid family drama.
Hopefully there's a nugget inthere that helps you to really
(24:19):
live it out this Christmasseason, because we want to hear
great stories and in really haveyou share some things that have
transformed your, your family,traditions and transformed your
life, because you aren't justgiving into the drama that
you're creating an alternative,which is to have fun and create
(24:40):
great memories and to loveothers and to love your enemies
and to do all those things thatwe're designed to do.
And maybe even this season,there's somebody specific that
you forgive, that has beensomebody that you've been upset
with for a while, and you gowhat it's time to forgive.
As God has forgiven me.
But, with that.
I'm Danny and this is Kimberly,and this is we do, whatever it
(25:04):
takes, thank you.
Welcome back.
And today we are talking aboutavoiding Christmas drama.
Danny Ray (00:05):
Family drama?
It's never happened to anybody.
We don't know what you'retalking about, babe.
Kimberly (00:11):
Yeah, our Thanksgiving was just perfect.
Danny Ray (00:14):
No, it was actually not, but yeah, but that wasn't a
drama as much as just hardshipand having your mom for the
first time in the hospitalduring On a holiday.
Kimberly (00:25):
yeah, yeah that was more just, difficult and
navigating that as a family anddifference of opinions and all
these different things, sure butyeah, and sometimes we can't
avoid it, but other times thereare some specific things that we
know are going to happen orthere's potential for these
things to happen when we'regetting ready for the holidays,
(00:47):
getting ready for Christmas, andthere are ways that we can
avoid some of the drama.
Danny Ray (00:54):
So yeah, so we were going to look at that today is
how do we avoid family drama andreally connect well and make
the most of the season.
How do we be present and reallytry to draw close to Christ
during this?
I feel like one of those thingslike there's so much focus on
the commercial Christmas that wemiss the center of Christmas,
(01:17):
which is Jesus, and we can getcaught up in so many other
things and, with the best ofintentions, we could still miss
out on so many greatopportunities, which are being
with family and loving ourneighbors and connecting with
people that we might not haveseen in a while.
Even when you have crazyfamilies, there's still
(01:39):
opportunities to be a blessing,to speak words of life and
encouragement.
So we want to look at that today.
How do we really One of thethings that I am stumbling over
words here, but that's okay, butwe want to look at how do we
avoid that family drama.
That's what I was looking for,but I was trying to say it at
(02:00):
the same time is we really wantto not just avoid but create
these great experiences?
So on one hand.
We're running from things thatmight trip us up and we're
running towards something thatwill free us and something that
will create great memories forus.
Kimberly (02:19):
Amen.
That is a biblical principlethat we try and put into
practice all the time in ourwalk.
So avoiding some of the dramameans talking through some of
the potential landmines,potential hiccups, however you
want to put it right.
Danny Ray (02:40):
So what we look at is if you have a stage as a
magician right.
I'm on a lot of differentstages.
It'd be interesting if I wouldhave taken a picture of every
stage.
I think it's probably thousandsand thousands of stages.
And I've only tripped on threeof them and almost broken a
(03:00):
couple of things, but thankfullyhave not One of them.
At a men's conference they alllaughed and they just thought it
was the funniest thing.
That's part of the show and I'mlike, well, that's just the way
that goes.
But is I look at it like astage that has trapdoors in it?
Oh, and a great stage mighthave one or two trapdoors, but
(03:24):
in terms of stage.
But for this analogy, whenwe're looking at our marriages
and there's 25, 30, 40, all of asudden it's just like how do I
walk across the stage Sounds?
Kimberly (03:36):
terrible.
You don't want to walk acrossthe stage with that many
landmines Any moment.
Danny Ray (03:40):
my spouse could pull that trapdoor and it's like, hi,
you did this and just lookingfor those ways to trap your
spouse and go like.
You always do this and it feellike, or it doesn't even have to
be your spouse in thesesituations.
Sometimes it's another familymember that says something, but
you take it out on your spouse,or you get frustrated with your
(04:03):
spouse and it's not even aboutthem, but you can't yell at this
other person or be frustratedwith this other person, so you
take it out on one another.
So how do we avoid thesepitfalls, these trapdoors?
Kimberly (04:15):
Yeah, A huge part of that is really just carving out
time to have a conversation,just the two of you you and your
spouse and going OK, let'spicture this together.
How's this going to go?
Are we going to this Christmasparty?
Are we going to that one?
Can we do them all?
Maybe it's too much, Maybe oneof us cannot handle all of that.
Danny Ray (04:37):
We will teach you a secret word that not many people
know.
It's two letters N-O.
Don't tell anybody about thissecret.
Kimberly (04:46):
I've been accused of using that word a little too
much.
So some of us might err on theother side, but more often than
not, yeah, there are.
Danny Ray (04:53):
There is power in in saying no to the right things.
Kimberly (04:56):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (04:57):
Because when you say yes, you are saying no to
something else.
Kimberly (05:01):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (05:02):
Yeah.
So just saying yes isn't alwaysthe right answer, especially
when it comes to avoiding someof the family drama.
There might be something.
You just need to go.
You know what this never turnsout well for us.
Kimberly (05:15):
Yeah, this isn't worth .
Why are we doing this?
Yeah?
Danny Ray (05:17):
going to doesn't add value to our family.
We're doing it out of guilt orobligation, not because there's
any sense of want to be there,and so we're going to say no
this year, yeah.
Kimberly (05:31):
So yeah, saying no is a really good one, but talking
through those potential hiccupsfor us, there were times anytime
driving in the car, so we'renot just talking about going to
Wait when I'm driving or whenyou're driving.
Oh, those are two totallydifferent things.
Danny Ray (05:47):
I thought they were the same.
I thought when I was driving,you were driving.
Kimberly (05:51):
Oh, I'd like to be.
Danny Ray (05:52):
That is the truth, but let's not go there, you know
, over hitting that horn.
Kimberly (05:57):
No, no, that's not what this one's about.
We'll tackle that another timeyou break about 6,000 feet
before I word All right, allright, the other wives are with
me on this, so don't even somoving right along.
But it does mean that when wetalk through the hiccups or the
potential landmines or trapdoorswe're talking about, okay, are
you even going to go to thisparty or that party or say yes
(06:20):
to this event or that event?
So sift through it together,decide on what ones make sense
for you guys as a family.
You don't have to say yes toeverything and then think
through the actual practicalpart of getting your.
Let's say you've got children,getting your children ready and
dressed and you want them to alllook amazing in their little
cute Christmas outfits and youwant them to show up at the
(06:44):
party still dressed, all cute intheir Christmas outfits and
without throw up on a bride orwhatever and so but life, life
happens, and being able to rollwith that.
I'm not saying I did great, butI've learned a lot and I feel
like I might be able to do itbetter now Let me give you.
Danny Ray (07:07):
let's back up and just look at the beginning of
our marriage and how God'sdesigned both of us and how what
you're saying is like I coulddo it different now is because
we've changed over the years.
Going into the marriage, kim,you are like and I love this
side of you but ultra superplanner, every detail laid out.
Kimberly (07:30):
I want to know.
I used to be, yes, yes, I wantto know it.
You took that right out of me.
Forget the plan.
There's no plan.
It's not going to work.
Danny Ray (07:38):
Well, so you?
Get it and then on my side,what's the plan?
Let's just go.
Kimberly (07:43):
Who cares, you know, if we get there late if we don't
get there late I did care about, but the details of like the
day didn't matter.
Danny Ray (07:54):
It's like I don't all work out.
Kimberly (07:56):
No, it does not just work out.
We have to make things happenthe way.
I didn't realize you weremaking them work out.
Yeah, welcome to the family.
Danny Ray (08:04):
So now fast forward.
There is a blend on my side togo like, hey, let's do some
planning, and on your side, hey,it's okay if it doesn't all go
according to plan.
You have to look at what areyour personalities and then
figure out how can we blendthose together.
I don't want to say it's justcompromise, but it's really.
(08:26):
Really.
God's brought the two of youtogether for a reason, and part
of the reason for me was likethat lack of structure wasn't
the best, like purpose anddesign for who God's designed me
to be, and you've helped me tobecome a better man in that area
and vice versa.
And so those are things thatyou can learn to help shape each
(08:49):
other in terms of how God'sdesigned you to be, without it
being a forceful like hey, youhave to do this, and nagging and
all those things that willactually repel the other person.
Kimberly (08:59):
Right right.
But in terms of having aconversation and talking about
these things ahead of time, yeah, so talking through Each of the
things, like I'm kind of goingthrough every step of the way,
if you say yes to the event orno to the event, if you have to
get the kids ready or getyourself ready, make sure you
have an actual amount of timethat's appropriate to do that,
(09:26):
setting yourselves up forsuccess.
I think that's really whatyou're looking to do with the
getting in the car and you getthe kids there to sing along, or
the family event that you'regoing to, or all those things
Talking through.
Okay, I need help with thisasking each other for help and
(09:48):
getting it ready.
What's most important to you?
That you guys have fun at theevent, or maybe it really is
legitimate that the photos haveto look really good for you.
That's important to you.
Like, just communicating thosethings to each other is a big
deal.
And then, what time you'regoing to leave for the event,
because you both need to be onthe same page with that In the
(10:12):
in the car rides.
For us, car rides with kids overthe years have meant oftentimes
visiting family in San Diego.
So two hour car rides for us.
We learned to basically ask ourkids to not talk to us when we
were in a transition and whatthat meant was when the free,
(10:37):
when we're on the freeway, andit's pretty much a straight shot
for most of it.
But then we get off the freewaybecause we have to stop
somewhere and the kids know justall of a sudden there's this
big transition and the kids knowto like, oh wait, I need this
or I need that, or they startfighting over something, or you
(10:57):
know, there was always, justinevitably there was something.
And then they had to ask us awhole bunch of questions and it
was like, okay, hang on, you'vehad the entire ride to ask us
questions, but here we aregetting off the freeway and we
don't know where we're going, orwe don't know what we're doing,
or maybe traffic just gotreally bad there, and so we
would just tell them hey guys,hang on, this is a transition.
Danny Ray (11:17):
Yeah, that was the thing is.
We would tell them, though, soit wasn't just don't ask
questions.
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, we'regoing to get off, get gas, we're
going to grab some food andthen we're going to do this.
Everybody just hang tight, putthis away, do this you know, so
that we help them to transition.
Well, oh, the other thing andthis was our secret sauce that I
(11:37):
forgot about is we gave them awarning on that.
If we knew is because when wejust would get off the freeway
just turn to chaos.
But when we learned to say, hey, in 10 minutes, and they would
all look up like 10 minutes, youknow, in five minutes, hey,
we're getting off the freeway.
Yes, but that worked 10,000times better.
(11:57):
So if you're yeah.
If you have kids time thoseheads up, yeah and that worked
for us in everything, whether itwas going to bed, whether it
was hey, we're all going towatch a movie together, we're
all going to the movies, we'reall going to LA, we're all,
whatever that was as we wouldand I think we still do this and
(12:19):
there are adult children.
We're like hey, we're leavinghere in 15 minutes hey five
minutes.
Everybody in the car.
Hey, we are getting in the carnow you know so but there's so
much better at that.
now they're just in the car.
We're like where are they?
Oh, it's just us.
We're the ones running late.
Kimberly (12:37):
I don't know if that's exactly how it goes, but moving
right along.
So, talking through all thosethings, having a game plan, it's
just so important that you'reon the same page when you're
talking about holidays,especially let's talk about
blending, not transitionsblending traditions.
Danny Ray (12:59):
Traditions, yeah, yeah is especially if you're
newly wed or in that first fiveyears you're still learning how
to blend.
Oh yeah, like do we go to myparents for Thanksgiving.
Do we go to yours?
If you're in a blended family,do we go to four Thanksgiving?
Kimberly (13:16):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (13:17):
Yeah, it gets really tricky and you have to be honest
with what's best for your ownfamily and not just looking to
please everyone, becausesometimes in trying to please
everyone you end up pleasing noone yeah.
Yeah, but I'll take a funny onefor us.
(13:39):
So growing up.
Kimberly (13:42):
I didn't know it at the time.
Danny Ray (13:43):
But when I was growing up, we always got our
tree Christmas Eve and it wasalways really fast.
It was always like get in thecar, let's go, let's go, let's
go.
I didn't realize we werestealing the tree.
That is just not okay, Ithought getting a tree a month
early when you wanted to do thatbabe, I was like what A month
early we get it the day up Likethere's a deal.
(14:06):
No.
Kimberly (14:08):
First of all, never okay to steal, and that is a
bizarre tradition your familyhad.
We laugh at it now and stuff,but I think it really did come
from a place initially that theyjust didn't have the money.
It was a large family and thatwas years ago, right?
At least that's what I'm goingto tell myself.
Danny Ray (14:25):
You keep telling yourself that.
Kimberly (14:28):
But yeah, for us, for our first Christmas, we
definitely had to talk throughexpectations.
We were living out in Coloradoat the time and no family around
, so that didn't.
That wasn't an issue that year.
But still, what traditions wereimportant to you?
(14:50):
What was important to me?
What did we want to starttogether?
Danny Ray (14:53):
And I think that's the key word is what's important
to you.
It's silly sometimes the thingsthat are important to us.
Kimberly (15:01):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (15:02):
Early on.
It was really important to meto have a live tree.
We didn't cut it down.
Your family would go cut itdown.
Kimberly (15:10):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (15:10):
But so early on we did the live tree but we both
found out I'm allergic.
My kids were allergic.
Kimberly (15:16):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (15:16):
And I was like no live tree.
This is the way to go and youwere, like we need to go with an
artificial tree, you're allallergic.
Kimberly (15:24):
Look at your face.
Yeah, Look at that kid's face.
I don't care, Not to mentionthe price.
Unfortunately went so high onthe real tree.
And then you're throwing it out, and in Southern California the
sad truth is they don't last.
Danny Ray (15:37):
They do, if you get it on the 24th.
Kimberly (15:39):
Nobody's getting it on the 24th.
We want it on right afterThanksgiving, so come on, but
the heat just doesn't work.
Danny Ray (15:48):
The silliness of that of like oh, I want a live tree
versus artificial.
Kimberly (15:52):
It is a big deal.
Danny Ray (15:53):
Yeah, it could seem like, oh, who cares?
But if that's important to youor that's a tradition, that's
part of your family and you wantthat to be a part of the new
family unit, you and your spouse, or you and your spouse and
your kids, is talking about thatand not trivializing it, is
saying this is why it'simportant.
It reminds me of these thingsand sometimes some of those are
(16:16):
deeply rooted in stories or infamily traditions and have a lot
of power in doing that andcontinuing that tradition.
So don't just trivialize it.
Have that conversation butrealize that that tradition
might need to change or lookdifferent with you and your.
I was going to say your currentspouse and your spouse You're
(16:40):
my first one, oh yes.
Kimberly (16:42):
And guess what?
I'm also your last.
Danny Ray (16:45):
Wow, good to know.
Kimberly (16:47):
That was a threat.
So moving right along in waysof avoiding Christmas drama.
The last thing we want to leaveyou with is dealing with family
conflict, ways of settingyourselves up for success, and
one of the basics is our culturetells us oh, you have to
(17:12):
forgive and forget.
Like that's what our culturesays, and yet that's not what's
biblical.
God talks a lot aboutforgiveness.
Absolutely, we are definitelycalled to forgive one another
because he's forgiven us, and sothat is absolutely imperative.
And when we don't forgive, it'sreally hurting us the most.
(17:35):
When we harbor resentment andanger towards somebody that's
hurt us even family membersright, that that's not.
Danny Ray (17:45):
Let me, yeah, go ahead.
Yeah, ephesians 432, it saysthis be kind and compassionate
to one another, forgiving eachother, just as in Christ, god
forgave you, and this might besomething that you want to talk
to your spouse about or reallyjust meditate on and really
think about.
How has God forgiven you inChrist?
(18:07):
You know what length did he goto, how much did he forgive you?
What's that look like for him?
to forgive you and the more weunderstand the depth of that,
the more we'll have the abilityto be kind and compassionate and
ultimately forgive other peopleof the offenses, because it's
not that they haven't donesomething wrong, right, it's
(18:31):
that they did something wrongand you were saying, even though
you did this and it hurt me orit took away something from me,
I'm going to forgive you in thesame way.
God's forgiven me.
Kimberly (18:42):
Absolutely my caveats or my addition to that is.
Danny Ray (18:49):
Wait, you're going to add to the scriptures.
Go ahead.
Kimberly (18:51):
No, no, no, not adding to scripture.
Not adding to scripture.
Danny Ray (18:56):
OK.
Kimberly (18:57):
But In line with Scripture.
Actually, we can forgive, andwe are definitely called to, but
we can also set boundaries sothat we're not continuing to
allow ourselves to be hurt bythe same person over and over.
So if you have somebody that'snot safe to be around in your
family, God's not asking you tostick with that.
(19:22):
That's not biblical.
So we have to forgive, but wealso have to set boundaries.
If you're not safe, If you'renot being able to no, I get.
Danny Ray (19:42):
What you're saying with the boundaries is we've got
to protect ourselves andprotect others, and I think
sometimes we think of boundary.
It's like a guardrail on theroad right.
It's there because, if enoughpeople have gone off this road
or off this cliff.
Kimberly (20:02):
It's like hey as a city, as a community let's put a
guardrail and protect people'slives.
Danny Ray (20:08):
So they don't drive off the cliff, yeah, and so it's
similar that way, where we'reas a married couple, we want to
put boundaries up in ourrelationship so that we're not
just going off the cliff orwe're not just injuring
ourselves or somebody elsebecause we didn't have
boundaries for our relationship.
(20:29):
And so when we look at familystuff, if there's somebody that
every time you talk to them it'sjust a toxic relationship and
they are saying things maybebody shaming, or maybe saying
things that are just demeaningor not adding any value to your
life.
Kimberly (20:48):
Or blaming.
I hear that a lot.
They're just blaming them aboutthings that they don't like,
things that went wrong in theirlife, and they're just okay.
Well, I'll blame it on my mom,I'll blame it on my dad, I'll
blame it on somebody.
Danny Ray (20:59):
Yeah, and so with those you could protect yourself
.
And even if it's a mentalprotection of saying, if they
say this I know that thesethings are true about who I am,
that I am a son or a daughter ofthe King of Kings, that I am
loved, that I am chosen, that Iam his beloved, that I am the
(21:20):
apple of his eye All thesethings that we know to be true
about who God's designed us tobe.
So when somebody's sayingthings, you don't need to be
deflective or just respond outof anger or out of hurt, you
could respond with gracious,with compassion, with love.
Kimberly (21:38):
And at the same time, that might look like walking
away from the conversation.
Right, that might be yourgracious way of responding and
that's your guardrail.
I'm not going to sit here andtake it.
If I know that this is a brutalor an unkind conversation, you
(21:59):
can dismiss yourself from it andwalk away kindly or
respectfully.
Danny Ray (22:04):
And then on the other side of that is God does call
us to love our enemies, and thatdoes mean engaging and loving
and being intentional about so.
There might be somebody thisChristmas season, this holiday
season, that has just beenagainst you, that you look for
an opportunity to love them, tocare for them, and that could
(22:28):
look different for each person,but that's I think sometimes we
forget that we don't just avoidenemies, but we want to connect.
And or not connect, I want to,but to love them.
That might look like prayingfor them.
There's a number of ways thatcould express itself, but it's
(22:49):
not always just avoiding thatcompletely.
Kimberly (22:52):
Yeah, that's going to depend on the person and what
you can handle and what'sappropriate that way.
But yeah, it's definitely okayto set some boundaries.
You know, I even even Jesussaid hey y'all, I'm going to
take the boat and I'm going overhere.
(23:12):
I've had enough of okay maybehe didn't put it that way, but
it was he needed a break to gobe with his father, to go, you
know, and that's okay too.
Maybe you're much more of anintrovert and it's just too many
people that you've been doingtoo much people and you need a
break, and that's okay too.
(23:32):
Knowing where your ownboundaries are is okay.
And to just take a minute toyourself and go Okay, no, I'm
good, I'm going back out thereand yeah so, yeah, so that
particular story yeah, jesus isis he?
Danny Ray (23:55):
he retreats for a little bit before he reconnects.
I think that is a part of hispulse and sometimes we need to
just retreat, connect with Godand then go engage again.
Yes, so these are a lot ofideas and thoughts on how to
avoid family drama.
Hopefully there's a nugget inthere that helps you to really
(24:19):
live it out this Christmasseason, because we want to hear
great stories and in really haveyou share some things that have
transformed your, your family,traditions and transformed your
life, because you aren't justgiving into the drama that
you're creating an alternative,which is to have fun and create
(24:40):
great memories and to loveothers and to love your enemies
and to do all those things thatwe're designed to do.
And maybe even this season,there's somebody specific that
you forgive, that has beensomebody that you've been upset
with for a while, and you gowhat it's time to forgive.
As God has forgiven me.
But, with that.
I'm Danny and this is Kimberly,and this is we do, whatever it
(25:04):
takes, thank you.
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