April 18, 2024 • 28 mins
Ever wonder how a magic show can teach us about the secrets to a flourishing marriage? Danny Ray, a magician with a twist, and his wife Kimberly, a skilled associate marriage and family therapist, captivate us with their magical formula for marital success. They illuminate the pivotal role of a shared vision in steering a couple through life's unpredictable turns, paralleling the meticulous planning of a magic act with the intentional steps necessary for nurturing a partnership. In our heartfelt conversation, they unravel the intricacies of supporting versus challenging each other's dreams, and emphasize the transformative power of clear communication and the strength derived from prayer in the marital bond.
As we traverse the landscape of love and commitment, Danny and Kimberly offer an arsenal of practical advice for couples looking to fortify their union. The couple stresses the importance of intentionality, revealing how deliberate acts of grace, forgiveness, and thoughtful conflict de-escalation can pave the way to a resilient and vibrant relationship. From setting healthy boundaries to maintaining a positive, long-term outlook, this episode is a wellspring of wisdom for those yearning to actively cultivate a marriage that not only endures but thrives. Join us for an episode that's not only about pulling rabbits out of hats but also about nurturing the magic at the heart of every enduring love story.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Danny Ray (00:00):
We are off and going again.
This is Danny Ray.
I'm a magician and pastor andthis is my incredible, amazing,
terrific.
Do I need to keep going?
Are?
Kimberly (00:10):
you going to jump in there at some point?
Sure, no, I'll let you keepgoing.
I'm Kimberly and I am anassociate marriage and family
therapist.
Danny Ray (00:17):
Oh, I almost said my girlfriend, but oh, you're my
wife.
Kimberly (00:20):
I'll be both.
Danny Ray (00:21):
I'll be both.
Kimberly (00:23):
Good to know, good to know I'll be both.
Danny Ray (00:26):
I'll be both.
Good to know, good to know.
So if you are tuning in for thefirst time, we just want to
help every marriage that's outthere to do whatever it takes to
create a great marriage.
Early on, we just figured outhow do we do this.
We don't have it perfect, butit became a goal and a mission
of of like let's work towarddoing whatever it takes to
(00:48):
create a great marriage so wegot some really good tools early
on that allowed us to anengagement yeah, yeah, so that
was helpful.
Kimberly (00:55):
so we want to pass on the tools and we want to uh,
today we're we're wrapping upseason and we're going to talk
about having the end in mind,and you talk about that a lot in
terms of your magic show whenyou're planning Creating a show,
I want to have the end in mindfor sure.
(01:17):
Yeah, so tell us more about that.
To me that's not natural tojust start with the end in mind,
especially in terms of marriage, but we'll get to that.
So you tell us why that'simportant and what you do in
that process, when you'recreating the magic show.
Danny Ray (01:35):
Yeah, I think this is whether it's a magic show,
whether it's a business project,whether it's a marriage or just
in your own personal life, youhave to know where you're going.
Kimberly (01:47):
Well, that's a good point yeah.
Danny Ray (01:49):
And so with the show I could cut different parts in
the beginning, middle, but Ican't cut the ending.
I mean it is going to endsomewhere and it might just fall
apart and I walk off stage.
But typically if I'm cuttingsomething, it's to tighten up
the show.
I'm like, oh, I'm losing alittle bit of connection.
(02:11):
And I think this happens in ourmarriages too.
In a show, you want toconstantly be building, working
towards that kind of big finale,but in our marriages, when
things start to plateau, or theystart to go downhill.
What are we doing to reconnect?
What are we doing to go like?
You know what.
We want our marriage to endwhere we're loving each other
(02:35):
well, where we're giving moregrace every day, where we're
giving more to each other, moreto others, where we love God
more, where God's at the centerof our marriage.
So if that's where we want togo today, how do we do things
and build things to lead in thatdirection?
Kimberly (02:56):
Yeah, for sure.
And when we have a plan likethat, then during those times of
plateau, like you said, orstruggle, that's when we go okay
, what's our plan again, what'sour vision?
How do we get back to some ofthe things we've already been
doing?
What's some of our usual tricks, so to speak?
(03:17):
To get back to there.
Danny Ray (03:19):
Yeah, so this isn't a magic trick, but imagine if I
gave you and your, your spouse,a set of legos and I just said,
hey here's some legos.
Um, I want you to um go aheadand build, you know what that's
supposed to be.
And you kind of look at thelegos and you're like, well, I
don't know, um, why don't we,why don't we build a car out of
this?
(03:39):
And you build a car and it kindof looks a little wonky and,
you know, a little weird Are yousaying we have Legos but no
instructions.
Kimberly (03:48):
Yeah, so, but if I give you the instructions a
picture step by step here's whatto do right Now.
Danny Ray (04:02):
You have a vision.
Now you have the end in mind ofexactly what that's supposed to
be, and that will help everyday if you keep the vision in
mind.
Kimberly (04:09):
There's a proverb, yeah, absolutely, I was just
going to say you know what theBible even talks about this
right that in Proverbs 29, 18,it says where there is no vision
, the people perish, and thisdefinitely highlights the
significance of having a clearvision or a goal to strive
(04:29):
towards and it providesdirection and, like you
mentioned earlier, this isimportant in business, in gosh,
like everything across the boardright and specifically we're
talking about in marriage, thatwhich I'm gonna keep kind of
(04:50):
confessing, if you will.
That that's not where my mindgoes.
I'm not a visionary.
I don't.
Usually I'm quite happy withjust kind of going.
You are a dream crusher.
Danny Ray (05:02):
Yeah, yeah, not a dreamer, that's your department
dream crusher right here.
Kimberly (05:04):
Yep got the t-shirts and everything.
I love my dream crusher.
Yeah, yeah, not a dreamer.
That's your department Dreamcrusher right here.
Yep Got the t-shirts andeverything.
Danny Ray (05:08):
I love my dream crusher, but every once in a
while I'll bring a dream to youand you do say, oh, I see it.
Kimberly (05:15):
Every once in a while, dude, you're living your dream.
What are you talking about?
That is true.
Danny Ray (05:20):
But I do have a lot of ideas, and you will crush
some of those ideas.
Kimberly (05:29):
Yes, Lovingly and kindly, and usually because of
financial reasons.
Danny Ray (05:38):
Yeah, there's a variety of reasons, but
sometimes it's just not theright time, it's not the right
idea, period or financially.
So there's a number of reasonsthat you dream crush.
Kimberly (05:48):
And we joke about that , but really it means that we
both have to be on the same page, right?
We both have to have the samevision for our marriage and for
our ministry ministry togetherand individual ministries.
Danny Ray (06:04):
So yeah, let me a side note on ministry for a
second, because I thinksometimes people hear that and
if you're a follower of Christ,you're in ministry.
Kimberly (06:15):
You know people tend to think like oh, I'm not doing
overseas, or I'm not signed upfor something to minister in my
church, or or I'm not signed upfor something to minister in my
church, or yeah, okay.
Danny Ray (06:24):
Ministry is you're doing the work of God wherever
you are.
You know if you.
Kimberly (06:34):
If you work the gas station, if you work.
Danny Ray (06:35):
Whatever you are, there's opportunities there to
do your job with excellence,which is reflective of who God
is, and people see you know thatexcellence in what you do and
you know they might ask you likethat excellence in what you do.
And you know they might ask youlike hey, why do you do things
the way you do?
Or, um, you end up having aconversation with somebody that
you might not have if you didn'thave kind of that ministry
(06:55):
mindset.
But that's a side note um interms of um.
Keeping the the end in mind is,if one of the goals of marriage
is to have Christ at the center,that he's at the forefront of
our thought, our thinking, thatwe're working towards becoming
(07:16):
more like him in our marriage,we have to rewind and go like.
So how do we make those thingshappen today?
Right, and one of the things wewould consistently challenge
you on is to pray together.
We have found that that singlething of praying together
changes the outcome of our daysand it impacts our marriage, our
(07:41):
family, those we lead, impactsour marriage, our family, those
we lead.
So praying together and prayingtogether can start.
As simple as God, please helpus Doesn't have to be.
Jesus talked about not beingimpressed with these kind of
large ornate.
Kimberly (07:59):
Elaborate prayers.
Elaborate prayers, yeah.
Danny Ray (08:02):
Is ornate.
I don't think that's the rightword.
Elaborate, yeah, yeah, butelaborate whatever.
Elaborate prayers.
Kimberly (08:04):
Yeah, is ornate.
I don't think that's the rightword Elaborate.
Danny Ray (08:05):
Whatever Right.
So it's not the amount of words.
It's the heart behind thosethings.
When Peter was walking on thewater toward Jesus, when he
began to sink because he lookedleft and right, he didn't have
this long prayer of likeHeavenly Father right now I just
(08:29):
want to say how great you are.
No, he's sinking and he said aprayer that you can't leave one
word out.
Of Lord save me If there'snothing that needs to be added
or subtracted to that prayer.
In that moment You're to thepoint right, and so, as a couple
, you can pray simple prayers,or they could be more elaborate
(08:53):
prayers as you grow in yourfaith or depending the season
you're in.
Kimberly (08:59):
Or the situation, like you said, yeah, or the
situation.
But taking time to praytogether.
Danny Ray (09:05):
Another thing I would say and then I'll let you jump
in is for and this is definitelylike as a magician, like I know
my wife doesn't necessarilylove you don't love surprises.
This is true.
At the same time, I do try tobring an element of surprise or
fun into the relationship towhat I've learned with surprise.
(09:30):
So, let's say, we're doing aDisneyland trip.
Kimberly (09:32):
I used to think like surprising you with.
Danny Ray (09:38):
that is the best option.
But what I've learned, knowingyou better, is that you love all
the planning that goes into thesurprise, so I'll share.
Kimberly (09:54):
So I can still be surprised that, ooh, we get to
do that, because that would be ahuge deal.
But you'll give me enough timeto enjoy the surprise.
Danny Ray (10:02):
By planning it out and getting ready and looking at
the weather, things I wouldnever do, you know.
Kimberly (10:08):
Yes, yes, making sure we have our beanies if it's cold
, because it does actually get alittle cold here in SoCal.
Danny Ray (10:15):
What are you talking?
65?
Oh no, I need my beanie.
Kimberly (10:18):
Absolutely, absolutely .
So yes, you love surprises, but, um, you have kind of adapted
that to what works for for me,which means us in our marriage,
um, so other things that you doto keep the end in mind, that,
(10:39):
um, keeping our eye on the prize, like ensuring that every
action we take aligns with whatour, our, desired outcome is.
So, if we want to have a visionfor our marriage that's that
includes supporting missionarieswho are overseas, or maybe it's
a trip to visit a child thatyou sponsor, um financially or
(11:04):
and with prayers or things likethat, that then then we have to
be taking steps to get to thatright.
We can't just surprise.
Let's book a flight, and rightnow.
I guess some people maybe theycan, but um, but for us, for
most people, I think it takesbudgeting and planning and
(11:26):
putting aside money for thosethings and, yeah, so, having the
end in mind, that's anotherarea that we can do that.
Danny Ray (11:35):
Yeah, One of the things that I think of in terms
of just mastering sleight ofhand and I don't consider myself
a master.
I'm always going to be astudent in anything I do.
Um, I happen to have, um, a lotof time and expertise in that
area of sleight of hand, um, butI still have to practice right,
(11:57):
there's still new ideas, newmoves, new things to work on,
and in our marriage, there'salways something new we could be
practicing.
Yeah, and this is one of thosethings where, just because you
failed at it last time, we hearall the time from people and I
know you more so as you'recounseling people- of.
I don't communicate well.
Kimberly (12:19):
We don't communicate well together.
Danny Ray (12:21):
Any number of like.
Is that?
Am I?
Kimberly (12:24):
right, yeah, yeah, we don't communicate well together.
Danny Ray (12:25):
Any number of like.
Am I right in saying it likethat?
And so one of the things welike to think about is not
defining ourselves by saying I'ma poor communicator.
Kimberly (12:35):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (12:35):
Instead of rephrasing that, of saying I am struggling
with communicating with my wiferight now, but I am learning to
do this better.
I think of Isaiah and I don'tknow the.
I know it's in the firstchapter where it says stop doing
wrong, learn to do what's right.
(12:58):
And so I think that's thepractice that I want to be in,
is I want to stop doing thesethings that, even if it's not
wrong, it's not effective, it'snot helpful, it's not beneficial
, and I want to learn to dothose things that are beneficial
, that are going to help you tocommunicate better with you, to
love you better, and so I thinkwhat I would say for anybody
(13:20):
listening out there is what'ssomething today you could put
into practice.
Maybe your spouse has said itbefore, maybe you've struggled
with it and you just feel likeyou're horrible, but today
you're like.
You know what.
I'm going to no longer viewmyself as I did in the past.
Kimberly (13:37):
I'm like I'm horrible at this or that's just who I am.
I can't do this or I can't yeahand I'm going to start using a
different language to say no.
Danny Ray (13:45):
I have the end in mind and with the end in mind,
I'm actively working towardthese things.
And whether that's, you get abook, listen to a podcast, talk
to a mentor, talk to a therapist.
Whatever you need to do,whatever it takes to fill in the
blank, do that and put thatinto practice.
But it starts today, nice tofill in the blank, do that and
put that into practice.
But it starts today.
(14:05):
Nice, I think we continue to putthese things off and then, five
years down the road, wecontinue to be poor in terms of
communication or any number ofthings.
Kimberly (14:14):
I love that.
I love how you put that and itties in with in therapy.
We talk about having clear andachievable goals, so making sure
that, okay, if the end in mindis to be a great communicator,
or at least a lot better than Iam right now, then what are the
baby steps to get there, likeyou're saying, and how do I know
(14:38):
that I've achieved it right?
How will my spouse see that?
What's the what's?
What would be different?
How would I know that I gotthere, but not just at the end,
but along the way, because Iwant positive reinforcement
along the way.
I want to know that, oh, Inailed it there, I got it, you
know I improved in that area.
(14:59):
So I think that's a key, a keypart of that.
Danny Ray (15:02):
Part of that is we.
We talk about expectations, butit's also having the right
conversation at the right time.
Kimberly (15:10):
You, know like you talked about.
Danny Ray (15:13):
You know asking your spouse like, hey, how am I doing
?
Am I hitting the mark?
Kimberly (15:16):
Am I getting closer?
Danny Ray (15:17):
You know, is if I these are the things that pop
into my head If I show up at abaseball game and I'm like, oh,
I can't wait to get to thebaseball game and I get there
and it's a magic show, Like mymagic show might be great, but
if you're Expecting- yeah, thatmakes a big difference.
(15:39):
Expecting to go to the baseballgame and meet some friends there
and all of a sudden you're likeit's a magic show.
Like to the baseball game andmeet some friends there and all
of a sudden you're like somemagic show, like I brought, I
don't know, peanuts and popcorns, cracker jacks, you know, uh,
you know something's off and Ifeel like in our, in our
marriages, like we have to showup in and be on the same page
with the conversation we'regonna have yeah, if you think
(16:00):
you're having a baseballconversation and she thinks
she's having a magicconversation or anything else.
you know it's going to clash,even though all the intentions
can be right, even though yousay all the right things you
what are the conversations thatwe could have?
Where we are on the same page,having the same conversation,
(16:28):
because then we have thepossibility of communicating
well.
Where the in the other scenarioyou could communicate well, but
it you're talking, baseballshe's talking.
I need better than magic.
I'm shopping.
Kimberly (16:42):
What would it be?
I like shopping.
All right, thank you.
So yeah, we're.
We want to just encourage you,as we're encouraging ourselves,
to reflect on your own goals andaspirations Again.
Have that conversation as acouple and then remember how the
(17:02):
importance of staying focusedon your ultimate goal and break
that down into smaller,achievable steps.
Danny Ray (17:11):
Yeah, and I just think of all the things you want
to in terms of goals that youwant to build right.
You want to build your abilityto trust one another right.
This is in every area whenwe're learning to communicate
better, when we're buildingtrust by consistency.
We're building trust by doingthe things that we say we're
(17:34):
gonna do, following through onthose right.
That's going to strengthen thebond between the two of you.
Kimberly (17:39):
Yes.
Danny Ray (17:40):
When we talk about communication, it's like just
every day there's opportunitiesfor enhanced communication to go
you know what?
Yesterday I didn't do it aswell.
Today we're just going to startsmall and pray through
something.
That's another one.
I would just say Continuing topray, I think, builds an
intimacy.
Kimberly (18:00):
Absolutely, absolutely .
Danny Ray (18:00):
Talking about what's on your mind on a regular basis,
whether it's the financialstruggles, work struggles,
struggles with kids, strugglespersonally, struggles
emotionally, whatever those areis not feeling like you can't
share those, but activelyworking towards sharing is going
to bring you to this bond interms of your marriage and
(18:25):
figuring out ways to grow inyour faith together.
Going to church, going to aBible study reading stuff
together devotionals, prayingtogether, all these type of
things that build this intimacyin your marriage.
Anything you want to add tothat, I could throw in a couple
more.
I'll throw in one with sexualintimacy.
You want to continue to beeffective in the bedroom and
(18:50):
connect that way.
I think when that area is cutoff, a friend of mine likes to
say that's the barometer for amarriage is if the sexual aspect
of the marriage is dwindling.
That affects the whole, and sowe want to make sure we're
connecting in the bedroom aswell.
Kimberly (19:12):
Absolutely, I think, bottom line.
It's so easy to say your vowson the wedding day and expect
that marriage will just be greatand the facts are, or the fact
is that it doesn't just happenon its own.
(19:33):
You might be able to survivemarriage or your marriage might
survive, but to thrive inmarriage means being intentional
, and that's what we're talkingabout today is being intentional
keeping that end in mind.
What's your goal together as acouple, and how do you get there
?
Danny Ray (19:52):
Yeah, and all of these things we've talked about
are things we believe are stepsto get you there, putting these
things into practice every day.
Again, we don't have itflawless by any means, but we're
learning to have like thiscrazy grace for each other where
we are constantly going.
(20:13):
yep, I know you blew it, but Ilove you and I'm for you and I
give you grace and we'relearning to forgive.
We've talked about um this, butwe actively work in um an
argument or in conflict isbringing down the intensity in
(20:33):
um shortening the length.
So instead of having an eighthour fight, let's bring that
down to two hours one hour halfhour 15 minutes, you know, is
learning to bring that, shortenthat, and early on we've learned
that.
You know, just raising yourvoice and yelling, or you know
(20:54):
we've talked a lot aboutboundaries in this podcast, but
we've put a boundary to say, youknow what, we're not going to
scream at each other and that'snot effective for either of us.
And even if we're mad likelet's, let's come up with some
other options.
You know, go for a walk to togive yourself some space to cool
down, like in that, um, what doyou?
(21:16):
I call it blowing your limpbiscuit, but what do you?
Kimberly (21:19):
call it your limbic system.
There it is, that's what it is.
Interlimbic system.
Danny Ray (21:22):
There it is, that's what it is, yeah, is when that's
blown, you're not going torespond, say things or do
anything that's going to addvalue to your marriage, correct,
correct.
So how do you take a moment topause, get out of that situation
for a moment and then re-engageat a higher level of competency
(21:44):
and Calmness, calmness,calmness.
Approaching things with grace,seeing the best in your spouse.
Yeah, so that's where I'mleaving us and do you have
anything?
You?
Kimberly (21:58):
want to.
No, I love it.
We've got to keep the end inmind.
Danny Ray (22:01):
Yeah, all right, that's the end of season.
No-transcript.
We are off and going again.
This is Danny Ray.
I'm a magician and pastor andthis is my incredible, amazing,
terrific.
Do I need to keep going?
Are?
Kimberly (00:10):
you going to jump in there at some point?
Sure, no, I'll let you keepgoing.
I'm Kimberly and I am anassociate marriage and family
therapist.
Danny Ray (00:17):
Oh, I almost said my girlfriend, but oh, you're my
wife.
Kimberly (00:20):
I'll be both.
Danny Ray (00:21):
I'll be both.
Kimberly (00:23):
Good to know, good to know I'll be both.
Danny Ray (00:26):
I'll be both.
Good to know, good to know.
So if you are tuning in for thefirst time, we just want to
help every marriage that's outthere to do whatever it takes to
create a great marriage.
Early on, we just figured outhow do we do this.
We don't have it perfect, butit became a goal and a mission
of of like let's work towarddoing whatever it takes to
(00:48):
create a great marriage so wegot some really good tools early
on that allowed us to anengagement yeah, yeah, so that
was helpful.
Kimberly (00:55):
so we want to pass on the tools and we want to uh,
today we're we're wrapping upseason and we're going to talk
about having the end in mind,and you talk about that a lot in
terms of your magic show whenyou're planning Creating a show,
I want to have the end in mindfor sure.
(01:17):
Yeah, so tell us more about that.
To me that's not natural tojust start with the end in mind,
especially in terms of marriage, but we'll get to that.
So you tell us why that'simportant and what you do in
that process, when you'recreating the magic show.
Danny Ray (01:35):
Yeah, I think this is whether it's a magic show,
whether it's a business project,whether it's a marriage or just
in your own personal life, youhave to know where you're going.
Kimberly (01:47):
Well, that's a good point yeah.
Danny Ray (01:49):
And so with the show I could cut different parts in
the beginning, middle, but Ican't cut the ending.
I mean it is going to endsomewhere and it might just fall
apart and I walk off stage.
But typically if I'm cuttingsomething, it's to tighten up
the show.
I'm like, oh, I'm losing alittle bit of connection.
(02:11):
And I think this happens in ourmarriages too.
In a show, you want toconstantly be building, working
towards that kind of big finale,but in our marriages, when
things start to plateau, or theystart to go downhill.
What are we doing to reconnect?
What are we doing to go like?
You know what.
We want our marriage to endwhere we're loving each other
(02:35):
well, where we're giving moregrace every day, where we're
giving more to each other, moreto others, where we love God
more, where God's at the centerof our marriage.
So if that's where we want togo today, how do we do things
and build things to lead in thatdirection?
Kimberly (02:56):
Yeah, for sure.
And when we have a plan likethat, then during those times of
plateau, like you said, orstruggle, that's when we go okay
, what's our plan again, what'sour vision?
How do we get back to some ofthe things we've already been
doing?
What's some of our usual tricks, so to speak?
(03:17):
To get back to there.
Danny Ray (03:19):
Yeah, so this isn't a magic trick, but imagine if I
gave you and your, your spouse,a set of legos and I just said,
hey here's some legos.
Um, I want you to um go aheadand build, you know what that's
supposed to be.
And you kind of look at thelegos and you're like, well, I
don't know, um, why don't we,why don't we build a car out of
this?
(03:39):
And you build a car and it kindof looks a little wonky and,
you know, a little weird Are yousaying we have Legos but no
instructions.
Kimberly (03:48):
Yeah, so, but if I give you the instructions a
picture step by step here's whatto do right Now.
Danny Ray (04:02):
You have a vision.
Now you have the end in mind ofexactly what that's supposed to
be, and that will help everyday if you keep the vision in
mind.
Kimberly (04:09):
There's a proverb, yeah, absolutely, I was just
going to say you know what theBible even talks about this
right that in Proverbs 29, 18,it says where there is no vision
, the people perish, and thisdefinitely highlights the
significance of having a clearvision or a goal to strive
(04:29):
towards and it providesdirection and, like you
mentioned earlier, this isimportant in business, in gosh,
like everything across the boardright and specifically we're
talking about in marriage, thatwhich I'm gonna keep kind of
(04:50):
confessing, if you will.
That that's not where my mindgoes.
I'm not a visionary.
I don't.
Usually I'm quite happy withjust kind of going.
You are a dream crusher.
Danny Ray (05:02):
Yeah, yeah, not a dreamer, that's your department
dream crusher right here.
Kimberly (05:04):
Yep got the t-shirts and everything.
I love my dream crusher.
Yeah, yeah, not a dreamer.
That's your department Dreamcrusher right here.
Yep Got the t-shirts andeverything.
Danny Ray (05:08):
I love my dream crusher, but every once in a
while I'll bring a dream to youand you do say, oh, I see it.
Kimberly (05:15):
Every once in a while, dude, you're living your dream.
What are you talking about?
That is true.
Danny Ray (05:20):
But I do have a lot of ideas, and you will crush
some of those ideas.
Kimberly (05:29):
Yes, Lovingly and kindly, and usually because of
financial reasons.
Danny Ray (05:38):
Yeah, there's a variety of reasons, but
sometimes it's just not theright time, it's not the right
idea, period or financially.
So there's a number of reasonsthat you dream crush.
Kimberly (05:48):
And we joke about that , but really it means that we
both have to be on the same page, right?
We both have to have the samevision for our marriage and for
our ministry ministry togetherand individual ministries.
Danny Ray (06:04):
So yeah, let me a side note on ministry for a
second, because I thinksometimes people hear that and
if you're a follower of Christ,you're in ministry.
Kimberly (06:15):
You know people tend to think like oh, I'm not doing
overseas, or I'm not signed upfor something to minister in my
church, or or I'm not signed upfor something to minister in my
church, or yeah, okay.
Danny Ray (06:24):
Ministry is you're doing the work of God wherever
you are.
You know if you.
Kimberly (06:34):
If you work the gas station, if you work.
Danny Ray (06:35):
Whatever you are, there's opportunities there to
do your job with excellence,which is reflective of who God
is, and people see you know thatexcellence in what you do and
you know they might ask you likethat excellence in what you do.
And you know they might ask youlike hey, why do you do things
the way you do?
Or, um, you end up having aconversation with somebody that
you might not have if you didn'thave kind of that ministry
(06:55):
mindset.
But that's a side note um interms of um.
Keeping the the end in mind is,if one of the goals of marriage
is to have Christ at the center,that he's at the forefront of
our thought, our thinking, thatwe're working towards becoming
(07:16):
more like him in our marriage,we have to rewind and go like.
So how do we make those thingshappen today?
Right, and one of the things wewould consistently challenge
you on is to pray together.
We have found that that singlething of praying together
changes the outcome of our daysand it impacts our marriage, our
(07:41):
family, those we lead, impactsour marriage, our family, those
we lead.
So praying together and prayingtogether can start.
As simple as God, please helpus Doesn't have to be.
Jesus talked about not beingimpressed with these kind of
large ornate.
Kimberly (07:59):
Elaborate prayers.
Elaborate prayers, yeah.
Danny Ray (08:02):
Is ornate.
I don't think that's the rightword.
Elaborate, yeah, yeah, butelaborate whatever.
Elaborate prayers.
Kimberly (08:04):
Yeah, is ornate.
I don't think that's the rightword Elaborate.
Danny Ray (08:05):
Whatever Right.
So it's not the amount of words.
It's the heart behind thosethings.
When Peter was walking on thewater toward Jesus, when he
began to sink because he lookedleft and right, he didn't have
this long prayer of likeHeavenly Father right now I just
(08:29):
want to say how great you are.
No, he's sinking and he said aprayer that you can't leave one
word out.
Of Lord save me If there'snothing that needs to be added
or subtracted to that prayer.
In that moment You're to thepoint right, and so, as a couple
, you can pray simple prayers,or they could be more elaborate
(08:53):
prayers as you grow in yourfaith or depending the season
you're in.
Kimberly (08:59):
Or the situation, like you said, yeah, or the
situation.
But taking time to praytogether.
Danny Ray (09:05):
Another thing I would say and then I'll let you jump
in is for and this is definitelylike as a magician, like I know
my wife doesn't necessarilylove you don't love surprises.
This is true.
At the same time, I do try tobring an element of surprise or
fun into the relationship towhat I've learned with surprise.
(09:30):
So, let's say, we're doing aDisneyland trip.
Kimberly (09:32):
I used to think like surprising you with.
Danny Ray (09:38):
that is the best option.
But what I've learned, knowingyou better, is that you love all
the planning that goes into thesurprise, so I'll share.
Kimberly (09:54):
So I can still be surprised that, ooh, we get to
do that, because that would be ahuge deal.
But you'll give me enough timeto enjoy the surprise.
Danny Ray (10:02):
By planning it out and getting ready and looking at
the weather, things I wouldnever do, you know.
Kimberly (10:08):
Yes, yes, making sure we have our beanies if it's cold
, because it does actually get alittle cold here in SoCal.
Danny Ray (10:15):
What are you talking?
65?
Oh no, I need my beanie.
Kimberly (10:18):
Absolutely, absolutely .
So yes, you love surprises, but, um, you have kind of adapted
that to what works for for me,which means us in our marriage,
um, so other things that you doto keep the end in mind, that,
(10:39):
um, keeping our eye on the prize, like ensuring that every
action we take aligns with whatour, our, desired outcome is.
So, if we want to have a visionfor our marriage that's that
includes supporting missionarieswho are overseas, or maybe it's
a trip to visit a child thatyou sponsor, um financially or
(11:04):
and with prayers or things likethat, that then then we have to
be taking steps to get to thatright.
We can't just surprise.
Let's book a flight, and rightnow.
I guess some people maybe theycan, but um, but for us, for
most people, I think it takesbudgeting and planning and
(11:26):
putting aside money for thosethings and, yeah, so, having the
end in mind, that's anotherarea that we can do that.
Danny Ray (11:35):
Yeah, One of the things that I think of in terms
of just mastering sleight ofhand and I don't consider myself
a master.
I'm always going to be astudent in anything I do.
Um, I happen to have, um, a lotof time and expertise in that
area of sleight of hand, um, butI still have to practice right,
(11:57):
there's still new ideas, newmoves, new things to work on,
and in our marriage, there'salways something new we could be
practicing.
Yeah, and this is one of thosethings where, just because you
failed at it last time, we hearall the time from people and I
know you more so as you'recounseling people- of.
I don't communicate well.
Kimberly (12:19):
We don't communicate well together.
Danny Ray (12:21):
Any number of like.
Is that?
Am I?
Kimberly (12:24):
right, yeah, yeah, we don't communicate well together.
Danny Ray (12:25):
Any number of like.
Am I right in saying it likethat?
And so one of the things welike to think about is not
defining ourselves by saying I'ma poor communicator.
Kimberly (12:35):
Yeah.
Danny Ray (12:35):
Instead of rephrasing that, of saying I am struggling
with communicating with my wiferight now, but I am learning to
do this better.
I think of Isaiah and I don'tknow the.
I know it's in the firstchapter where it says stop doing
wrong, learn to do what's right.
(12:58):
And so I think that's thepractice that I want to be in,
is I want to stop doing thesethings that, even if it's not
wrong, it's not effective, it'snot helpful, it's not beneficial
, and I want to learn to dothose things that are beneficial
, that are going to help you tocommunicate better with you, to
love you better, and so I thinkwhat I would say for anybody
(13:20):
listening out there is what'ssomething today you could put
into practice.
Maybe your spouse has said itbefore, maybe you've struggled
with it and you just feel likeyou're horrible, but today
you're like.
You know what.
I'm going to no longer viewmyself as I did in the past.
Kimberly (13:37):
I'm like I'm horrible at this or that's just who I am.
I can't do this or I can't yeahand I'm going to start using a
different language to say no.
Danny Ray (13:45):
I have the end in mind and with the end in mind,
I'm actively working towardthese things.
And whether that's, you get abook, listen to a podcast, talk
to a mentor, talk to a therapist.
Whatever you need to do,whatever it takes to fill in the
blank, do that and put thatinto practice.
But it starts today, nice tofill in the blank, do that and
put that into practice.
But it starts today.
(14:05):
Nice, I think we continue to putthese things off and then, five
years down the road, wecontinue to be poor in terms of
communication or any number ofthings.
Kimberly (14:14):
I love that.
I love how you put that and itties in with in therapy.
We talk about having clear andachievable goals, so making sure
that, okay, if the end in mindis to be a great communicator,
or at least a lot better than Iam right now, then what are the
baby steps to get there, likeyou're saying, and how do I know
(14:38):
that I've achieved it right?
How will my spouse see that?
What's the what's?
What would be different?
How would I know that I gotthere, but not just at the end,
but along the way, because Iwant positive reinforcement
along the way.
I want to know that, oh, Inailed it there, I got it, you
know I improved in that area.
(14:59):
So I think that's a key, a keypart of that.
Danny Ray (15:02):
Part of that is we.
We talk about expectations, butit's also having the right
conversation at the right time.
Kimberly (15:10):
You, know like you talked about.
Danny Ray (15:13):
You know asking your spouse like, hey, how am I doing
?
Am I hitting the mark?
Kimberly (15:16):
Am I getting closer?
Danny Ray (15:17):
You know, is if I these are the things that pop
into my head If I show up at abaseball game and I'm like, oh,
I can't wait to get to thebaseball game and I get there
and it's a magic show, Like mymagic show might be great, but
if you're Expecting- yeah, thatmakes a big difference.
(15:39):
Expecting to go to the baseballgame and meet some friends there
and all of a sudden you're likeit's a magic show.
Like to the baseball game andmeet some friends there and all
of a sudden you're like somemagic show, like I brought, I
don't know, peanuts and popcorns, cracker jacks, you know, uh,
you know something's off and Ifeel like in our, in our
marriages, like we have to showup in and be on the same page
with the conversation we'regonna have yeah, if you think
(16:00):
you're having a baseballconversation and she thinks
she's having a magicconversation or anything else.
you know it's going to clash,even though all the intentions
can be right, even though yousay all the right things you
what are the conversations thatwe could have?
Where we are on the same page,having the same conversation,
(16:28):
because then we have thepossibility of communicating
well.
Where the in the other scenarioyou could communicate well, but
it you're talking, baseballshe's talking.
I need better than magic.
I'm shopping.
Kimberly (16:42):
What would it be?
I like shopping.
All right, thank you.
So yeah, we're.
We want to just encourage you,as we're encouraging ourselves,
to reflect on your own goals andaspirations Again.
Have that conversation as acouple and then remember how the
(17:02):
importance of staying focusedon your ultimate goal and break
that down into smaller,achievable steps.
Danny Ray (17:11):
Yeah, and I just think of all the things you want
to in terms of goals that youwant to build right.
You want to build your abilityto trust one another right.
This is in every area whenwe're learning to communicate
better, when we're buildingtrust by consistency.
We're building trust by doingthe things that we say we're
(17:34):
gonna do, following through onthose right.
That's going to strengthen thebond between the two of you.
Kimberly (17:39):
Yes.
Danny Ray (17:40):
When we talk about communication, it's like just
every day there's opportunitiesfor enhanced communication to go
you know what?
Yesterday I didn't do it aswell.
Today we're just going to startsmall and pray through
something.
That's another one.
I would just say Continuing topray, I think, builds an
intimacy.
Kimberly (18:00):
Absolutely, absolutely .
Danny Ray (18:00):
Talking about what's on your mind on a regular basis,
whether it's the financialstruggles, work struggles,
struggles with kids, strugglespersonally, struggles
emotionally, whatever those areis not feeling like you can't
share those, but activelyworking towards sharing is going
to bring you to this bond interms of your marriage and
(18:25):
figuring out ways to grow inyour faith together.
Going to church, going to aBible study reading stuff
together devotionals, prayingtogether, all these type of
things that build this intimacyin your marriage.
Anything you want to add tothat, I could throw in a couple
more.
I'll throw in one with sexualintimacy.
You want to continue to beeffective in the bedroom and
(18:50):
connect that way.
I think when that area is cutoff, a friend of mine likes to
say that's the barometer for amarriage is if the sexual aspect
of the marriage is dwindling.
That affects the whole, and sowe want to make sure we're
connecting in the bedroom aswell.
Kimberly (19:12):
Absolutely, I think, bottom line.
It's so easy to say your vowson the wedding day and expect
that marriage will just be greatand the facts are, or the fact
is that it doesn't just happenon its own.
(19:33):
You might be able to survivemarriage or your marriage might
survive, but to thrive inmarriage means being intentional
, and that's what we're talkingabout today is being intentional
keeping that end in mind.
What's your goal together as acouple, and how do you get there
?
Danny Ray (19:52):
Yeah, and all of these things we've talked about
are things we believe are stepsto get you there, putting these
things into practice every day.
Again, we don't have itflawless by any means, but we're
learning to have like thiscrazy grace for each other where
we are constantly going.
(20:13):
yep, I know you blew it, but Ilove you and I'm for you and I
give you grace and we'relearning to forgive.
We've talked about um this, butwe actively work in um an
argument or in conflict isbringing down the intensity in
(20:33):
um shortening the length.
So instead of having an eighthour fight, let's bring that
down to two hours one hour halfhour 15 minutes, you know, is
learning to bring that, shortenthat, and early on we've learned
that.
You know, just raising yourvoice and yelling, or you know
(20:54):
we've talked a lot aboutboundaries in this podcast, but
we've put a boundary to say, youknow what, we're not going to
scream at each other and that'snot effective for either of us.
And even if we're mad likelet's, let's come up with some
other options.
You know, go for a walk to togive yourself some space to cool
down, like in that, um, what doyou?
(21:16):
I call it blowing your limpbiscuit, but what do you?
Kimberly (21:19):
call it your limbic system.
There it is, that's what it is.
Interlimbic system.
Danny Ray (21:22):
There it is, that's what it is, yeah, is when that's
blown, you're not going torespond, say things or do
anything that's going to addvalue to your marriage, correct,
correct.
So how do you take a moment topause, get out of that situation
for a moment and then re-engageat a higher level of competency
(21:44):
and Calmness, calmness,calmness.
Approaching things with grace,seeing the best in your spouse.
Yeah, so that's where I'mleaving us and do you have
anything?
You?
Kimberly (21:58):
want to.
No, I love it.
We've got to keep the end inmind.
Danny Ray (22:01):
Yeah, all right, that's the end of season.
No-transcript.
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