October 8, 2023 • 53 mins
This week Stephanie and Travis discuss how her views on gifts as a long language may have changed.
How should we address our partner when a personal need is not being met in a relationship without discrediting all the other ways your partner shows up for the relationship.
Travis actually has a fact based “Did You Know”. When did the color pink become exclusive to girls?
F*ck them kids, we revisit this saying from Episode 006. How has our perspective changed on putting your relationship before your kids?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Travis (00:00):
Welcome back to we Still Like Each Other.
The podcast my name is Travis.
Stephanie (00:04):
And I'm Stephanie.
Travis (00:05):
And this is the podcast where we show at the honeymoon
stage can last forever.
Stephanie (00:08):
Forever and ever hey baby.
Travis (00:10):
Hey daddy, how are you?
Stephanie (00:11):
I'm doing well.
How are you?
Travis (00:12):
Good, happy Sunday.
Happy Sunday.
We're back with another one.
These are getting harder.
Stephanie (00:19):
Harder to do.
Travis (00:20):
Harder to sit down and do Not do because it's like,
once we're sitting down, oncewe're here, it's nothing, but
it's so, that's like anything,like it's hard to just get to
the gym.
Stephanie (00:29):
Once you're there, you like, enjoy it.
You get it done.
Travis (00:31):
Yeah, but what I keep thinking about is when Santi
comes.
It's going to be a little bitof break.
Stephanie (00:37):
Yeah, we're going to have a transitionary period.
We're going to have to figureout what our schedule looks like
with another child and tryingto do this, yeah, I really A
couple of weeks ago I kind ofwas like I like the idea of
getting it done on Sunday, sothat way Sunday's podcast day,
but Sunday's also like get readyfor the weekday.
I think this week we kind ofjust didn't really take
(01:01):
advantage of Friday and Saturdaywith like some house task, so
it kind of felt like a lot to dotoday on top of us just being
tired.
Travis (01:09):
Yeah, and also Eli's activities.
That was Saturday, and then wewent to your mom's house, which
was fun, but we pay for it.
Stephanie (01:18):
Yeah, and I kind of like having Saturday for kids
stuff, activities, family stuff.
Saturday, so so I don't mindthat, but I feel like come
Sunday morning it needs to belike breakfast workout get ready
for the podcast, record thepodcast around one, two o'clock
and then, by the timeeverything's uploaded, we can
(01:41):
sit and watch TV at like six,seven o'clock at night, and the
night is, we have an early endof our day.
Travis (01:49):
Yeah, it's a lot of moving pieces.
We're here.
Stephanie (01:54):
We're here and we got a lot accomplished.
It's going to help me go intoMonday feeling good and
accomplished and not like, oh myGod, I didn't get shit done.
So it is what it is and we'llfigure it out as we go.
Travis (02:06):
How was your week?
Stephanie (02:08):
My week was pretty good.
I got new headphones.
Travis (02:15):
I couldn't tell.
Stephanie (02:16):
It sounds so stupid to like talk about getting new
headphones because it's like somaterialistic.
But there's two things aboutthat that I wanted to bring up.
One of them is I've always saidlike gifts isn't one of my top
love languages, If anything islike the least important one.
But when you gave them to me Ifelt so good.
(02:38):
Like I felt like a hypocrite,Like I saw the box and I was
really excited.
Then you left like a specialnote on it and I'm like, oh my
God, this is so sweet.
Like I was like butterflies inmy tummy.
It was like ooh.
Travis (02:53):
It was a good night.
Stephanie (02:56):
I think.
And then I was like you knowwhat, Maybe I'm not so much of a
hypocrite, Maybe it's becauseof the words that made it even
extra special.
Travis (03:04):
I think if I'm going to shoot you some bail here, I
think it's more so because ofwhat it represents and what it's
going to allow you to do.
So you know, the whole purposeof getting the headphones is not
because you're about to, youjust want to be cute working out
or whatever it's, becauseyou're home with our boys 99% of
the time and sometimes you needto disconnect, and not that
(03:26):
you're like not still on motherduties, but you know, you just
don't need to hear your namebeing called or, you know,
jumping at every time you hearlike a little wine from river
when it's nothing, he's justmaking noises.
So that kind of allows you tofocus on what you're doing and
just, I feel like disconnect isnot the right word.
Yeah, what's a better word?
Stephanie (03:46):
I kind of was joking with my friend.
I was like I just gotheadphones so I could
disassociate a couple of hours aweek.
So what it is is that, eli.
Obviously the goal is toincrease how much independent
work he can do and not be super,super dependent on my help with
everything.
But that's a process.
(04:06):
But I feel like it's alwaysimportant to remember and
listened to the other people'svoices like they're forever
online.
It was hard for us to kind ofwork towards that goal.
If he's doing work, but I'mwalking past him, I'm cleaning
the living room, I'm in thekitchen, I'm in and out, he
would just say mommy, mommy,even when he really didn't need
to, just out of like habit.
So I feel like that kind ofsets a boundary, like mommy has
(04:28):
her headphones on, I'm doing mywork, you know, and he knows
like if he really is stuck onsomething, he'll tap me on the
shoulder or let me know.
Um, the other thing is,sometimes if he's doing work, I
want to hear music while I'mcleaning, but that distracts him
.
So I can't put the TV, themusic on, just on our speakers,
(04:48):
cause then he can't get his workdone.
So there'd be times where I'mjust like in silence, doing
dishes or holding on.
Travis (04:54):
Yeah, shake that ass for Drake Now, shake that ass for
me.
Stephanie (04:58):
Yes, we're going to talk about Drake, but yeah, so
maybe it is that, maybe it'swhat it represents for me and
like my stay at home mom life.
But I really felt like ahypocrite cause I'm like, damn,
it feels nice to get a gift.
Travis (05:14):
I'm happy to help.
Stephanie (05:15):
How was your week it?
Travis (05:17):
was good.
Um work flew by and then, youknow, the activities for Eli
took a lot out of me this week.
I think both of us, but it wasjust it's.
It's nonstop from the moment Iget off.
I get off pretty early but youknow, commute and then as soon
as I get home it's maybe use thebathroom and then go right back
(05:38):
out the door.
Sometimes I get to eat dinner.
So it's a lot.
I'm also reminding myself it'sfor the benefit of Eli and it's
not all year round.
Um he's doing soccer.
It's like a nine week programso I can tough it.
I can tough it out for nineweeks.
Stephanie (05:55):
It's not.
It's not that little world.
Travis (05:56):
Um, and I also feel accomplished once it is done.
It's like you know, despiteworking, despite the commute, I
still get home in time to youknow, give him what he needs.
Stephanie (06:08):
Even some days he doesn't even want to do it, but
I'm like pushing him through Um,this week when he was at
Taekwondo practice, there was anew kid and at the end Eli was
telling him great job, was thisyour first day?
And the kid was like his secondday, he goes well, you did
really good.
He kind of like padded him onhis back while he was telling
him and the kid was a littleyounger than him and it just
(06:31):
showed me like this is healthysocialization that he's
experiencing even though he'shome school, um, and I just felt
proud of him in that moment andit kind of affirmed that, like
we're doing what we need to do,he's not missing out on any
socialization and he's a goodkid.
He's a great kid, yeah.
Travis (06:52):
I could tell, since he's recently moved up in belts, so
he's a yellow belt now.
And he could see that he feelslike more responsible and I feel
like that's just going to keephappening.
It makes you really like thesystem they have in place
because of that.
Stephanie (07:06):
Yeah, like earning belts.
Yeah, it's something to lookforward to, but then it also
gives you confidence.
Every time you have one, hefeels like an elder, to like the
new kids who don't have anybelts.
Travis (07:15):
Yeah, it's pretty dope.
And then we wrapped up the weekwith going to your mom's house.
That was fun.
Um, it took a lot of energy toget there.
I won't lie Like I'm sure I hadone of those traps, those
Travis faces the whole time.
Stephanie (07:28):
Of course, you would have probably preferred, like
after soccer, after Tech Wando,to just relax.
Travis (07:33):
I even brought my switch because I'm like I'm going to
just let them yada, yada, yadatalk and I'll be in the corner
playing my Nintendo.
Stephanie (07:39):
And I didn't touch that switch.
Travis (07:41):
I didn't touch it because I was having a good time
.
So it was a reminder to likenot all the time, but push
ourselves to like just go hangout, go to a family and hang out
, chill.
Stephanie (07:51):
It doesn't have to be a big event, she said something
right.
Travis (07:53):
She said something like you don't have to call or just
tell me what you want to eat.
Stephanie (07:57):
Hopefully it doesn't take you so long to come again,
and I was like you need to letus know, invite us, she goes you
.
I don't have to invite you,just call me and say hey, ma,
we're coming over tomorrow, sodon't wait for an invite.
Travis (08:09):
And it's literally like a 40, 45 minute drive.
It's nothing in the grandstand,yeah.
Stephanie (08:15):
But I have some San Cocho left over from that that
my mom made.
And I'm going to have for lunchtomorrow, so that's exciting.
Travis (08:21):
I love that for you?
Stephanie (08:24):
Yeah, my mom even kind of made Travis like a
separate dish sort of.
Travis (08:28):
Yeah, I'm not a big soup guy, so she put, like, some
meat aside for me.
Yeah, some of the meat before.
What is San?
Stephanie (08:34):
Cocho.
Before she put it in the SanCocho, she like separated it and
put some peppers and onions.
Travis (08:40):
That's why I'm spoiled.
Stephanie (08:41):
Yeah, it was so good.
I even ate some of Travis's.
I was so full the past coupleof days.
That whole like pregnancyappetite it was hitting me the
past two days Like just eatingso much.
Travis (08:53):
I love when you do have it, because there are days where
you have zero appetite so forthe past week you've been like
eating a lot.
Stephanie (09:00):
I'm like whatever I said two days, he said a week.
Travis (09:06):
Past month you've been going hand.
Stephanie (09:09):
Yeah, you're right, it's been good.
I've been enjoying it.
So yeah, you read against histhis week's topics.
Travis (09:17):
Yeah, let's do it.
Stephanie (09:19):
Um, do you have something you found on the
internet that you want to share?
Travis (09:23):
Well, this one I'm calling a did you know?
Because I did some research andfound facts behind it.
Stephanie (09:29):
Okay, okay.
Travis (09:31):
So I think that's what we're going to do, maybe like,
if I can prove this with somereputable sources, okay, it's
going to be a.
Did you know if it's just likefactscom?
Oh, what was it?
Factsnet, factsnet, that's agood segment.
Stephanie (09:43):
Factsnet, all right here we go, here we go.
Travis (09:47):
Did you know?
Before World War One, parentstypically dress girls in blue
and boys in pink?
The view, sorry.
Did you know?
Y'all go get this.
Y'all go get this live edit.
Did you know, before World WarOne, parents typically dress
(10:07):
girls in blue and boys in pink?
They viewed pink as the moremasculine color and blue as more
feminine.
Stephanie (10:14):
Did you say World War One or two?
Travis (10:15):
World War One.
Stephanie (10:16):
Okay, so that was like a hundred years ago.
All right, I wonder where theshift came from.
Travis (10:22):
I'm looking at when was World War One, 1914.
Stephanie (10:25):
1914.
Yeah, a while ago.
Travis (10:29):
So I thought this was cool because, you know, I feel
like we're raising our childrenwhere that's not really a thing.
I know, even in my fashionsometimes pink has shown up.
I'm not like going out of myway to wear it, but I'm also not
running from it.
Stephanie (10:44):
Yeah, yeah.
Travis (10:44):
And same with our boys.
The other day, when I took Elito soccer practice, he had on
these long pink sock soccersocks.
Stephanie (10:53):
They go over your knees and they look cool.
Travis (10:55):
They're like a neon pink and the rest of his outfit was
black, so it's like that reallyhighlighted the outfit.
Stephanie (11:00):
It's like a pop of color.
Travis (11:02):
So we get there and one of his I wouldn't say his friend
, is just someone who's there atthe practice it goes.
Why are you wearing?
Pink and Eli goes, I like itand then they just run off.
It wasn't like this whole.
Stephanie (11:14):
Big thing, Like I.
I like that interaction, rightCause sometimes if you are
stepping outside of a norm,you're easily offended if people
question you and I feel likethat was a healthy way.
Like the kid was shockedbecause, you know, he's not
accustomed to seeing boys werepink and Eli was proud in his
choice and said because I likeit, and then that was it, that
(11:35):
was the end of it and I lovethat.
Um, that also made me think ofwhen we were looking for names
for Santi.
I knew I didn't want somethingsuper, super feminine and in my
research, um, you know, theblonde actress from oranges, the
new black, like the maincharacter.
Fiona no oranges, the new black,the new black oh um, I'm
(11:59):
talking about shamelessshameless.
Uh, I forgot her name.
Oh, the one that was like theyfollowed her in the beginning.
In the beginning.
Travis (12:04):
Yeah, Like the I don't remember her name, yeah.
Stephanie (12:06):
But anyway, her in real life.
She named her daughter Georgeand there was like a whole
article about that and she saidthat in her research George used
to be a feminine name and then,like at some point it changed,
um, and she was like I just likethe name George, like I just
think it's pretty cool and I waslike that's kind of extreme for
(12:27):
me personally, but because ofhow conditioned I am to think
that, like, george is amasculine name, you know I love
names Like the oil of um whenyou come across girls or women
like that where they have like adifferent Bobby George, yeah.
Yeah, but even like you knowwhat name always used to trip me
up, that Stephen Curry wasn'tStephen Curry, Like it's stuff,
(12:53):
like people call him stuff.
Travis (12:54):
And then there's people you mean that spelled the same
way and it's Stephen.
Stephanie (12:58):
Yeah, it's spelled the same way, but they pronounce
it Stephen.
But I'm like why not just spellit with a V?
Travis (13:03):
It reminds me of that clip we just saw of Issa Rae.
Oh, someone mispronounced hername and everyone was like Issa.
Stephanie (13:12):
She said Issa Rae, and everybody was like Issa,
issa, they would jump in thatlady.
I felt bad.
Yeah, but names are important.
Pronouncing names are important.
Um, did I talk about the savestory?
I'm here, maybe.
Um, no, no, no no.
Basically, I had a student whenI first my first year of
(13:33):
teaching.
Um, I was a student who we wereall mispronouncing his name but
he never corrected us.
And at the first parent teacherconference I heard his mother
say his name.
So I was like wait, is yourname actually pronounced?
So the first I'll just say thename is the first name is
pronounced S-A-I-F, so everyonewas calling him Saif and his mom
(13:58):
says it safe.
Like you know, I have a safe inmy closet.
So I was like is your name safe?
Yes, but it's okay.
And I was like no, we can saysafe is not.
Like we have to say your namecorrectly.
Mind you, he was a fourthgrader, so it wasn't his first
year at the school and it wasyears and years of everybody
mispronouncing his name.
So then, literally that year,every teacher that came,
(14:19):
principal, anybody, if theymispronounced his name, I will
correct them.
And I got oh, but we alwayssaid safe.
I was like, well, you werealways saying it wrong.
Like, say it correctly.
Travis (14:28):
Have you seen that video ?
This girl I can't.
I can't remember where she'sfrom, but her name was like long
and difficult to pronounce hereand the teacher goes all right,
you know who you are.
What's the short version ofthis?
Stephanie (14:40):
Oh, that's so mean.
Yeah, I don't like that.
Like what?
Yeah, I know sometimes peoplewould say, like, do you have a
nickname, is there another name?
You go by.
But I also think even that'srude.
Like let them tell you.
Travis (14:53):
So I do orientation, I'd say, 99% of the time at work,
and if there's a name I say Idon't want to butcher this.
Stephanie (15:00):
How do I pronounce it ?
Travis (15:01):
I don't give it a shot.
I don't call them a shortenedversion, do you think?
Stephanie (15:05):
that's even rude, though, saying I don't want to
butcher it, I got get the intent.
I'm not saying, oh my God,that's horrible, but maybe I
don't know, like if I had adifficult name.
I wouldn't want to hear peoplesay that all the time I don't
know.
Travis (15:20):
I, for me personally, I'm taking it as like I want to
be respectful of how you sayyour name.
So before-.
So maybe say that.
Stephanie (15:26):
I want to be respectful of how you say your
name.
Or I don't want to say yourname incorrectly, but I say,
like butchering your name, Idon't want to butcher this, like
it's so difficult.
I don't want to say your nameincorrectly, or I can't
pronounce this, or, you know,help me pronounce this name.
I think Felix, saying I don'twant to butcher it sounds like.
Travis (15:48):
Sounds like I don't want to mess it up.
Stephanie (15:50):
But sounds too aggressive.
Man, you're being too PC, ohwell, All right, baby, you're
ready to get into the firsttopic?
Travis (15:59):
Yeah, let's do it.
Stephanie (16:01):
All right.
So this topic kind of came uptwo different ways.
I had a conversation with afriend, a married friend, about
something her and her husbandhave dealt with, that you and I
have dealt with, and then wewere watching the new episodes
of love is blind and one of thecouples kind of were having a
discussion and I'm like, wait,this is coming up again.
(16:21):
I just had a conversation withmy friend and, although it's not
the same argument, the sametactics are happening right.
So I guess I'll start with thisquestion how do we address a
personal need that is not beingmet in a relationship without
discrediting all the other waysyour partner shows up for you in
the relationship?
Travis (16:42):
I think by just softening the blow right,
because it's kind of sting.
No, matter what, especially, Iknow for me, when I felt like
I'm doing a lot to show up inthis marriage, but then there's
still something that I'm fallingshort on.
I feel like the message isreceived better when you're like
(17:03):
you're making it aware, thatyou're aware of all the things
that I am doing.
But let me tell you where youcan do better.
Stephanie (17:14):
Okay, I'm struggling with this myself, right, because
there'll be times like if Ibring up something you're not
doing and I'm making these upjust for the conversation.
But like if I said to you likeTravis, you haven't made an
effort to cook dinner, and yeah,I all know that's one of our
things Like I kind of wantTravis to be a little bit more
(17:36):
intentional.
We're making these up.
I'm not making this part up,that's real.
But if your response to mebringing it up is, you know well
.
But I brought you flowers lastweek and I emptied the
dishwasher in the morning.
Those are true, and the flowersare appreciated.
The active service of youemptying the dishwasher right
before work is appreciated, butyou still are not making an
(17:58):
effort to cook dinner.
Travis (18:00):
I don't think I would ever muster up those words in
that type of situation, becauseI don't equate the two you say
that's why I'm saying I'm makingthings up and now you're saying
I would never do that.
Stephanie (18:09):
Obviously you've never said that specifically,
but you've done that Like if Ibring up something you're
lacking, you kind of say you'llsay things maybe like so let me
use this example that hashappened and again there's
probably not the exact words,right.
But if I bring up somethingabout how maybe you should be
more intentional with Eli orRiver, like in the way you
(18:31):
interact with them, and be alittle bit more intentional,
you'll say something like Idon't know, you're making me
feel like I'm the worst dad inthe world and it's like whoa,
whoa, like you're taking it waytoo extreme.
I don't think you're a terribledad, so it's like kind of
inflating when your partner kindof brings up an area of need,
(18:52):
as if they don't appreciateeverything else that you do.
Travis (18:56):
I think, why my brain goes to that is because, at
least for me, it feels like I amputting my best foot forward,
so to hear that I'm fallingshort, or like our lives, we're
really busy and although we justrecently started having
conversations about like allright, we have to just
(19:17):
prioritize the things that areimportant to us.
So spending time with our boysis a priority, but then there
are times where it's just notenough time, despite my best
intentions.
So when you say things likethat, it's like you know the
type of life that we're living,so why it feels like an attack.
When you know that, it's likeyo, we got a lot of shit going
(19:38):
on.
Stephanie (19:39):
Yeah.
So it kind of seems like youjump into defense if I bring up
like something that you'relacking in and I feel like that
makes sense, right, like we getdefensive because we're like
hold up, I know I'm messing uphere, but I'm doing a million
things right.
Kind of like that teacher whoonly called your house if you
did something wrong, but nevercalled to praise you.
(20:00):
In our relationships, though,we have to be from both ways,
right.
So if I'm the partner that'sbringing up like this need isn't
being met, how do I bring thatup without hurting your feelings
?
But also, as the receiver, youhave to say like listen to what
(20:20):
they're saying and don't add toit or generalize or blow it out
of proportion just because youfeel defensive or you feel hurt.
Travis (20:30):
Yeah, and listen, if we're going to keep it real?
Stephanie (20:32):
this is something.
Travis (20:33):
We've had long conversations about on numerous
occasions.
And I think what I eventuallyjust got to the point where it's
like, all right, I don't thinkyou're crazy, I don't think
you're just pulling things outof thin air.
There's something you're seeingthat's lacking and, at the end
of the day, it's for the benefitof not only myself but our kids
(20:57):
.
So if I'm falling short interms of spending time or
spending intentional time,that's what I would want from
you as my friend, I mean, or asmy partner, to point out.
So I'm appreciative in thatmoment, eventually, eventually,
after I get over, I guess, myego and being defensive, it's
(21:17):
like all right, this isn't, thisis valid.
So one of our lastconversations was like I hear
what you're saying and I see it.
It's not and I feel it sovalidating feelings are
important.
Stephanie (21:34):
I kind of wrote something down because I felt
like my thoughts were going toslip when I came to this topic.
So I'm going to read a littlebit of what I wrote.
I wrote that sometimes life isso chaotic and hectic that all
of our needs cannot be metconstantly Like no matter what.
We aren't going to beeverything for one another all
the time right.
(21:55):
But what I noticed has helpedis communicating right.
So if we have a conversationand I'm saying like, oh my God,
it's been such a busy week and Iknow the next few weeks are
going to be busy you know Elihas this soccer for nine whole
weeks.
But I see you, I get it, Ican't wait till things calm down
(22:16):
and I can cook dinner for youone day.
Just that acknowledgement oflike we're running on 45% right
now and just like ourrelationship can't get more than
that.
But eventually it will Likekind of like that
acknowledgement that something'smissing.
Travis (22:35):
I think that's where I fall short a lot of times too,
because what happens and it'slike you know, like when someone
tells you something that youwere thinking already, it's-
like fuck.
I was thinking that, but nowit's going to seem like you
brought it to me because youwere the more vocal one, so in
my it goes back to me having tobe more expressive and say
(22:56):
what's on my mind, but like evenyou saying something like oh,
when we have more time we're notdoing the soccer thing for nine
weeks we kind of have more timefor ourselves.
Stephanie (23:07):
I'll cook and it's also about being proactive,
right?
Instead of waiting till thenine weeks are over and now
we're like, okay, we're justhere, how can we recover, we can
plan it ahead, Like that 10thweek we're going to plan a date
night or we're going to plansomething like put something in
the calendar to look forward to.
I think it's helpful.
I was also thinking that noteverybody who listens to this
(23:29):
has kids, right, but there areyoung couples who are still in
school, maybe, or doing a careerpivot or anything that kind of
prevents them from meeting allof your needs, right?
That's part of life, especiallyif you're growing and evolving
with people, and this is thesame thing applies.
We can't expect that ourpartner is going to be in school
(23:53):
and working full time and thenalso be everything we need.
That's just not going to work.
But just communicating,validating each other's feelings
is going to be so helpful, andacknowledging those
insufficiencies but saying I'mgoing to put on my big girl
panties and I'll be fine, butit's tough kind of sharing that
(24:17):
experience.
Travis (24:19):
One thing I wanted to point out and I think it's human
nature, but it also it comeswith maturity is realizing this
is not a good idea.
Is that, when our partners aretelling us something that we may
be falling short on, is that wefeel that that's the opening to
tell them what they're notdoing for us, and that's maybe
(24:41):
that our defense going upbecause it's like if this was a
problem and I'm not saying it'snot a problem why are you
waiting for this moment when youcould have brought it
separately?
Stephanie (24:53):
That's why like intentionally opening the floor
to share things.
Travis (24:57):
Like having meetings Like having a meeting.
Stephanie (24:59):
So that way it doesn't feel that way.
It doesn't feel like well, youdo this, well, you know X, y and
Z.
Like it's on purpose.
This is the floor, like it'sopen mic night and you're going
to tell me all the things onyour mind and I get to tell you
all of mine.
And it doesn't feel that way,it doesn't feel like well, since
I brought this up, now you'rebringing something up.
Are you making that up?
(25:19):
Sometimes it feels fake, likeit feels like you're making up a
problem, just so you know.
Travis (25:27):
I know a lot of people who sometimes they don't really
have anything of substance toadd to a conversation, but
sometimes they just want to fillthe space, the space, so they
just say something random.
Stephanie (25:37):
People who lie a lot are like that.
They like try to relate, sothey'll make up stories or
inflate stories.
Yeah, that can happen duringdiscussions in your relationship
, right?
If someone's calling you out onsomething, if you're one of
those people that needs torespond instead of listening to
(25:58):
understand, you're going to be aliar.
Travis (25:59):
Yeah, People.
What is it like?
People are just waiting theirturn rather than really taking
it in.
Stephanie (26:04):
I'll cut you off on the defense.
Yeah, definitely.
I feel like this is somethingeven at this point we still kind
of struggle with personally.
And I even struggle because, asa stay at home mom, you have
that all of society telling youand even you're in a voicing
(26:28):
like he worked so hard so thatyou could be home.
So then it's like when I dohave a need that's not being met
, I kind of feel guilty evenbringing it up because it's like
girl, why are you even bringingthis up?
Who cares?
But it's like being okay withthe fact that I can express this
feeling it's still valid.
Travis (26:49):
Yeah, but I'm also I hope that you know that I'm
aware that this isn't easy whatyou're doing for us, right?
If I could even make theargument that what I'm doing is
easier in terms of it's like allright, I get up early and I go
to.
I do what I was doing when youdid have a job.
I'm not, you know.
Stephanie (27:10):
Yeah.
Travis (27:11):
So what you're doing is difficult as fuck and you're not
just like making sure our kidsdon't kill themselves.
You're doing a lot Even nowwith homeschool and all the
needs of river and eating alone.
So, yeah, I hope I never makeyou feel like we're not on the
(27:32):
same level of anything.
I'll put you above me.
Stephanie (27:37):
You just said something that's going to help
me transition into the nexttopic.
Like you talked about how eveneating, like feeding the kids,
is like a whole task all day.
And yes, but I will say that Inoticed that now that Eli's home
, I'm nourishing myself better.
I'm eating better because Iknow I have to feed him Cause,
(27:59):
yeah, river had to eat but hewas eating milk, drinking milk
and like I will make him somelittle eggs and some fruit, like
something small that like I canmake him a meal and not make
myself a meal, whereas now I eatwhat Eli eats.
So, in the fact that I have tomake him breakfast and I have to
make him lunch, I'm actuallyeating, cause I would like skip
(28:20):
meals before when he was inschool, because it was just like
I'd rather go clean upsomething.
I'm not really hungry, I hadcoffee, so having him here has
helped me nourish my own body.
And the reason I say thattransitions into the next topic
is because a lot of times wethink of like our kids and the
(28:41):
things we do for our kids as aseparate task, like this big
hurdle, this extra task to dolist, because we're not putting
ourselves in the task together,like we're not seeing the value
in it for us.
You know, it's like we're doingsomething for them and not
really seeing like well, when wedo for them, we do for
(29:01):
ourselves and like seeing thebenefits in that.
Do you remember we were talkingabout it, that episode that we
kind of made that clip?
That was like fuck them kids.
Travis (29:12):
Yeah, it was like episode six yeah.
Stephanie (29:15):
Do you remember the gist of why we were talking
about that?
Travis (29:17):
If I remember correctly, it's something along the lines
of we have to be, we have to begood first, and it trickles down
to our kids.
Stephanie (29:25):
Yes and, like you know, prioritizing our
relationship, because if you andI are good, then our kids are
good, and I still feel that way.
But then I went back to theepisode and it was mostly the
reason it came up was we weretalking about couples who say
we're going to stay togetherjust for the kids, so like they
have terrible relationships butthey don't want to leave because
(29:46):
of the kids and it's like thatdoes the opposite for the kids
they're actually going to.
It's going to be moredetrimental if you do stay
together but don't actually likeeach other.
But something that I've beenreflecting on personally with us
is that doing for the kidsalways felt like we need our
(30:07):
tank needs to be full so that wecan have the energy, the
strength and the will to dosomething with our kids, whereas
now I'm seeing that doingthings for our kids also feeds
and fuels us, like seeing thebenefit of quality time with our
kids has changed right, likeit's always felt like a task and
(30:31):
now it's like part of life andit sounds toxic as fuck.
You're like you've been a momduh, but it's not always thought
in that way.
You know what I mean.
Travis (30:41):
Yeah, and I kind of took that fuck them kids too literal
, right.
Yeah, it's just I thought for along time that putting us first
was going to benefit them, andsomething has clicked in the
past year or two.
It could be even the additionof River, where I'm seeing the
(31:04):
benefit of just doing thingsalongside them that also bring
us joy, right.
So like, for example, I love,like Star Wars, marvel those are
generally PG, pg 13,.
You like and watch that stuff?
and we can talk about it, and itbrings him joy not only to be
around us, but he enjoys theseshows too, and for a while there
(31:28):
was a separation where I feltlike one oh, he's too young or
I'm going to have to do too muchexplaining, like, and this is
my thing, this is what brings mejoy, and it's bringing me joy
to have him ask questions.
Stephanie (31:42):
Yeah, and even like, for example, doing game night
with the kids.
Right, it's like, oh, findingtime, prioritizing it.
And then if we do game night,that means we can't have like a
movie night.
Personally, we can't watchadult TV, but game nights be fun
as hell.
Like, literally, genuinely,despite the fact that it's great
(32:03):
for our kids, is like we have agood time, like our stomach is
in stitches, we're dying,laughing, we enjoy it, we learn
about what our kids like, andthen it's also a cheat sheet to
parenting, because your kids arelearning how to lose right and
how to handle their emotions ifthey lose a game.
Travis (32:24):
You know, we've had a lot of rough moments where video
games and I'm naturally goingto be better, I'm older, I've
been playing them a lot longerand Eli, we get frustrated a lot
of the times and at one point Ihad to like point the mirror to
myself because it's like allright, why is he like this?
It's because you aren't playinggames with him where he has to
lose and learn that it's okay.
Stephanie (32:45):
And how to model losing and how to lose
graciously, how to congratulateone another right.
Travis (32:54):
And I know it's a struggle for him sometimes, but
I can see him like pushinghimself to be like super
positive.
You're like oh, good job, daddy, Good job.
Oh, like Scrabble, oh that's acrazy word and I know on the
inside he's like oh, this ismother fucker, but you know, you
make it till, you make it right.
Stephanie (33:12):
And in those moments we put ourselves first, because
the laughter, the joy of likegame night with us fuels our
personal relationship.
And then we also feeding intoour kids at the same time,
Talking about all of theactivities.
Eli is in.
He had got a perfect attendanceaward Me.
Travis (33:34):
Exactly, I got a perfect attendance award.
Stephanie (33:38):
Eli got a perfect attendance award but it felt
good because you're like, damn,I did that, I brought him here.
You know, as an educator I haveconflicted feelings about those
perfect attendance awards,because it's for the kid but
it's not up to the kid if theymake it to school.
Every day is up to the parent,right.
So it's not fair because somekids never have a chance.
Travis (34:00):
Yeah, but this one is more.
This was for Taekwondo, thiswas in.
Stephanie (34:03):
Taekwondo.
But it's the same thing.
It's not up to Eli if he goesto Taekwondo or not.
You know what I'm saying.
It's up to the parents.
So I don't really like theaward.
I'm conflicted on how I feelabout it because I feel like it,
the kids who never could getone because their parents is too
busy or you know, doesn'tprioritize it as much.
Travis (34:21):
But okay, it's kind of be their fault.
But then I think that goes onthe parents.
I get what you're sayingbecause at the end of the day
the award is being given to thechild, so it was like parent
awards and then they were likeoh, parents, if you bring your
kid every single time, you'llget 5% off the next month's
(34:42):
Taekwondo.
Stephanie (34:43):
Then that's an incentive for the parent and the
kid doesn't even have to knowabout that.
That could be like a separatething, but if it's an award to
the kid it's kind ofembarrassing the kids who don't
get perfect attendance, eventhough it's not up to them.
Travis (34:57):
You know what I mean yeah, and things happen Like
even this week he was reallyclose to like missing a day.
Stephanie (35:02):
Yeah, this week was like rough and we made it
because we want that perfectattendance.
Eli, I don't give a shit.
Travis (35:09):
He's like it's raining.
We should stay on like it's aninside Inside.
Stephanie (35:16):
I kind of got sidetracked on that, but oh yeah
, I saw this post on Instagram.
I wish I saved it, but itbasically said children who
aren't played with become adultswho don't know how to play with
their children.
Travis (35:36):
What are you doing, man?
Stephanie (35:37):
Well, it stuck a dagger in you and I felt like I
was like ooh, that's true.
Because when you think of, whenI thought of my childhood, my
relationships with adults werevery like authoritative, like
I'm the student, you're theteacher, I'm the child, you're
the parent, and like my parentstook care of all my needs and I
(35:59):
followed all the rules.
Like it was like submissive anddominant type of situation.
It never felt friendly, which Iget you know, I ain't one of
your little friends is like afamous saying for my childhood
and I get that because there hasto be like a baseline level of
respect.
But I also, for me personally,I want to build a friendship
(36:22):
with my kids, like that'simportant to me.
Travis (36:24):
Yeah, I think you know it's difficult the older you get
and you're realizing there's somuch you don't know about your
parents in terms of like thatfriendship level.
And my hope is that when I doget, or my kids get older, that
they feel like they know me,they know what makes me tick and
(36:45):
I'm obviously not going tothrow it all on them in terms of
my life.
Maybe one day I'll say hey,watch the podcast, some crazy
stuff that I've been through.
But for their early years.
I want them to feel like theyknow me, at least on the surface
level.
I think a lot of times likethere's things I'm hearing about
my parents now and I'm justlike what, how did I never know
(37:08):
this?
And it's mature stuff, it'slike adult content, but I don't
know.
It just feels like I wish itwas more intentional.
Stephanie (37:17):
Yeah, I think.
For me it's more so even whenwe talked about like if Eli
doesn't know how to lose, whatbetter way for him to learn than
with playing with us?
Travis (37:28):
Yeah.
Stephanie (37:29):
You know what I'm saying and a lot of times we
feel like kids need other kidsfor that right, like they think
the homeschool kids.
They need that opportunity toplay.
Travis (37:37):
Or you hear argue I mean the argument a lot about
bullying.
Stephanie (37:42):
Oh, like they need to get, like how how some people
benefited from that.
Yeah, and some, some people'sparents are your.
You're the first bully.
How many parents don't bullytheir own kids?
So maybe they don't need schoolto get bullied?
No, and I agree, and I feel likethere's pros and cons to that,
(38:02):
right, because, yes, you wantthem to socialize and learn how
to interact with other kids, butif all of the kids don't know
how to lose, who's teaching them?
You know, I think the ideacomes from back when the village
was helping raise each other,right, and there were multiple
age group kids playing with eachother.
(38:23):
So, like the bigger kids withthe medium kids and the little
kids and the older kids had alittle more experience, so the
younger kids were learning fromthem.
But if you have a bunch of kidsall in the same age who are
haven't learned differentlessons, it's hard for that
learning to be intentional,right?
Does that make sense?
Yeah, so that's what I mean interms of learning how to play
(38:46):
with kids, and also patience,right, because we get easily
annoyed and triggered by ourkids, because we're not used to
that.
We never saw adults play withus and deal with our childlike
behaviors and tics in a way thatmade sense, so like if I
annoyed the shit out of my momwhile we were trying to play a
(39:07):
game and I saw how she respondedand how she spoke to me and how
she got me to calm down.
It'll be helpful when I'mraising my own kids and I'm
playing with my own kids andsaying you know what?
I used to do this to my mom too.
And this is how she respondedyeah, do you feel like playing
(39:30):
with children comes natural toyou?
Travis (39:33):
No, Not at all.
I'm actively trying, pushingmyself, Like you said, like I am
finding joy in doing the thingsthat we've been doing as of
late, like the past couple ofmonths playing, you know, having
family game night, watchingmovies.
But I am pushing myself becauseI would rather be doing a
(39:57):
million other things and it's,you know, being selfish and
trying to like step out of that.
And you know I'm in a rolewhere I'm a father now and I
can't be.
Stephanie (40:11):
You can't be what Selfish.
Travis (40:12):
Selfish.
It's not to say that I want tolose myself and lose what brings
me joy, like I still want tohave my time where I play video
games, go for a bike ride, watchthe things I enjoy, where I
don't have to be explaining tosomeone what's going on.
But with all that being said, Idecided to have kids.
No one put a gun to my head.
So with that comes somematurity and comes some, you
(40:39):
know, being selfless.
Stephanie (40:42):
Yeah, and I also I saw another post about like I
have someone's childhood in myhands and although it's hard
sometimes, and like your brainwants to do the selfish thing
and like have your own time ordo what you want to do for
yourself.
This is all what's that wordfor like satisfaction in the
(41:04):
moment, instinct gratification.
But then in the long term, ifour kids have all this childhood
trauma or things from theirchildhood that you, they wish
you did differently, you'regoing to have so much regret and
that's going to hurt a lot morethan being a little selfless
now with our kids.
Travis (41:24):
The other day Eli told stuff that his memory started
when he was five.
Stephanie (41:29):
I was like yes, that's so funny, I will say, and
you've all heard me talk abouthow, like Eli's, early years
were me working two jobs inschool, yada, yada, yada, and in
the back of my mind I used totell myself like I got a little
time because I didn't reallyremember anything.
(41:50):
But there is a lot of researchthat shows that a lot of what
we're exposed to, even an early,early childhood, sticks with us
, and maybe not as explicitmemories, but they impact, like
our temperament.
You know our emotional behavior.
So I'm like I couldn't be tooout there, neglectful with my
(42:14):
kid, you know what I mean.
Like you can't have like atraumatic one through four and
then expect like, oh, but atfive his life was great and that
there's not going to be someresidual impact from those early
ages.
But it's never too late torecover.
You know, with spending moretime together, being more
intentional, it's not going tobe easy, it's going to feel
(42:35):
unnatural.
Travis (42:37):
I'd go as far as saying you could have grown ass kids,
and it's not too late.
And you know that's my messageto everyone out there feeling
like you know you may have kidsthat you think are living their
lives and they're so occupied inthat, but just taking that time
to realize, at the end of theday, we all, we have our inner
(42:58):
child and our inner child wantsour mommies and daddies to like,
pour into us.
So I don't think it's ever toolate to to fix those things.
Stephanie (43:09):
Yeah, I do think, though, if you are, if you do
have grown kids and you'vecreated a lot of damage in that
relationship, it might not be soeasy to try to fix it in adult
age.
You know, and you have to alsorespect your child's, your adult
children's, boundaries.
If they feel like they've beenhurt so much that they don't
(43:30):
want to give you a chance, thenyou have to respect that, and
maybe you did lose your chance.
Travis (43:35):
Yeah, I also feel I don't know it's different we
give.
I think we want to give ourparents grace, like it's just
something that's embedded in usLike we want to give them the
benefit of the doubt.
Stephanie (43:51):
Yeah, but there's limits.
You know what I mean?
Travis (43:53):
Yeah, and I guess it depends right, Because there's
levels to this.
It could be like abuse.
Stephanie (43:57):
Yeah, like extreme abuse and neglect.
I'm thinking not as extremeyeah, not as deep yeah.
Travis (44:04):
So when I say that, I'm saying you can, you can try.
Stephanie (44:09):
Another thing there was a post on humans in New York
the other day about these twosisters who endured the same
childhood, but it affected themboth very, very differently.
Was it difficult yeah theydidn't really say exactly what
happened, but they just saidthat like we endured the same
childhood and for me it likebroke me, like it you know she
(44:31):
was doing drugs and like it justimpacted her life because she
was always so sad and so muchpain over what she had to endure
.
Whereas the other sister kindof was like like I need to work
my ass off, she did well inschool, she got a good job.
She kind of like stuffed it alldown and like was like, despite
this traumatic childhood, I'mgoing to do what I got to do to
(44:54):
succeed.
Whereas the other one was likeI was just so sad all the time
that I just couldn't and thatthe fact that the other sister
was so okay with it and able tojust live her life it kind of
pissed her off.
Like what do you mean?
Travis (45:06):
I saw this TikTok the other day.
It was like the sister was likea dance and the sister who had
to move out as soon as she couldbecause she couldn't follow her
parents rules.
And then the younger sister waslike the sister who gets to do
whatever she wants.
Stephanie (45:22):
But if you think about that specific scenario,
it's like the sister leavingprobably made the parents
realize like, oh shit, we needto do something different with
this next order before sheleaves us too.
So it's like her courage toleave helped her younger sister.
You know what I mean and I feellike I think I might have
mentioned that Like we can't bejealous of our siblings.
If they have a better childhoodthan us, we should be grateful.
(45:44):
You know?
Like, don't be a hater, like itsucks, but you know what you
want to wish them a shittychildhood too.
Travis (45:54):
I think the frustration and I'm definitely not speaking
from personal experience, but Ithink the frustration is when
you just want them to be morelike empathetic to what you did
go through and they're just kindof like living in La La Land.
Yeah, like you want yourfeelings validated.
Stephanie (46:13):
Yeah, I definitely can relate to that specifically,
like with my biological father.
I feel like I have one of mysisters will kind of tell me,
like like he's just your dad,like he's just your dad, like
you know, he's not a great dadto me, but they live together.
So I'm like, yeah, he wasn'tlike intentional and and I
didn't have like daddy, daughterdays or anything like fatherly
(46:38):
in that sense, but he paid thebills in your house and kept the
food, the fridge in your houseand the lights on.
He never did any of that for meor my mom and we had to fucking
figure it out on our own.
So I still am entitled to feelaway, you know.
So I get it.
I get that too, like justwanting your feelings validated.
(47:00):
Yeah, are we putting a pin?
Travis (47:03):
in this.
Stephanie (47:04):
I think we're putting a pin in that, I guess.
To wrap it up, just when itcomes specifically to couples
with kids and who I feel like alot of people appreciated us
saying that like put us firstbefore the kids, I feel like the
only thing I want to add on topof that because I agree like we
(47:25):
need to be good for our kids tobe good.
Don't stay together just forthe kids if you're not good.
But I feel like we need tostart seeing the family unit and
how experiences together helpthe family overall, when it
comes to the marriage, when itcomes to individual
relationships within the family,how to find those moments and
(47:46):
like be intentional to createthem as well.
Travis (47:50):
So it's still fucked them kids, but don't get crazy,
don't get crazy and you knoweven the topic earlier.
Stephanie (47:58):
Like a lot of the times in couples with children,
the reason you can't show up andmeet every need for each other
is because you have to meet theneeds of your kids and you have
to say you know what I get, thatI don't want you to give me
everything and then give ourkids 50%, like that's also not
(48:19):
okay.
Travis (48:20):
He also shouldn't be okay with someone who does do
that right, yeah, no.
Stephanie (48:24):
You don't want someone who gives you everything
and then half asses with theirchildren.
Like that's not attractive andlike no.
So the whole message of likeput us first.
It can't be taken so literal.
In that sense, I feel like it'smore so about If there is a
real big problem that needs tobe prioritized, because we can't
(48:46):
put band-aids on our bigproblems while like showing up
to soccer and being likeEverything's okay, yeah so no.
Like prioritize taking care ofthe big issues.
But also don't let Unmet needsbecause you're pouring into your
kids become huge issues.
Like Right now I can't pressTravis about not making dinner
(49:11):
sometimes when five nights aweek he's taking a lot of
different practices.
Like that's just it.
Like right now that's in thatneed and that doesn't mean I no
longer desire you to do it.
It's just I know that right nowit's not gonna happen.
Travis (49:26):
It just can't think I might extend the soccer.
Stephanie (49:31):
What is it about cooking that you just?
Travis (49:33):
it literally brings me zero joy.
Stephanie (49:36):
Okay, that's sad because it's like I don't want
to force you to do somethingthat brings you zero joy.
Travis (49:43):
I mean that was extreme statement, I think, because,
like when I had the wholeYouTube tutorial and I was
making the chicken parm, thatwas part of me that felt Really
good, especially when you wereenjoying it and then I was
eating it and enjoying it.
Stephanie (49:56):
I was like damn.
Travis (49:56):
It tastes like our Italian restaurant that we like
to go to, but it's just like ona constant basis.
It's tough not constant.
Stephanie (50:04):
You see, you see how you over your over generalizing
yeah, we agreed to once a month,that's not constant basis.
Travis (50:13):
I think it's also.
You know, I'm really big intoevolutionary psychology and we
always want to do the thingthat's easiest.
Okay as humans, right?
So what's easier for me is tojust let my wife cook or take
out or to take out.
So it's a push for me to Tocook.
Stephanie (50:34):
Yeah, cuz I get it.
Like I was talking to one of myfriends about cooking and
they're like it just Doesn'tbring me any joy to like some
people find joy in the process,right, like chopping the
vegetables, making the sauce,and then when everything comes
together, it's like thiseuphoric feeling.
They're like I don't have thatand I was like you know, for me
also it's in the taste, likeonce I take a bite of something,
(50:56):
like it's an emotionalexperience for me, like
literally, even this is I'msound stupid as fuck.
But even in Ikea the other daymy friend got a chocolate cake
and I got this other, likealmond bar with toffee, and I
took a bite of mine and I waslike this was so good, like oh
my god, you need to try it.
And then she tried and was likeMmm, and she was like, try the
cake.
(51:16):
I tried that cake, that shit wasso good.
And I was like, oh, I see it.
Like I get why.
This cake was like on your mind, this cake is like memorable,
like you want to eat this Ikeachocolate cake.
That brings me joy beyond justthe cooking.
It's just like Tasting it.
And then there's times and wedon't have time to cook and we
just order some bullshit.
I literally get sad Like I'meating a meal that I'm like.
(51:39):
It's like I'm eating just toeat because I need the energy,
but it's not Making me happy inany way.
I feel that so, yeah, but I Feellike, with cooking too, though,
there's this aspect of like,it's also a human like, need,
like we need to eat, right.
(52:01):
So I feel like, even if itdoesn't give you that euphoria
that it gives people who like tocook, we need to have a, we
need to be able to do it.
Travis (52:10):
Yeah, I mean, and that's why I Push myself to make
breakfast for the boys, becauseand there's not even a question,
it's not a I gotta do this.
It's because I want my boys fed.
I went there stomach full and,yes, like a no-brainer For at
least that moment.
Stephanie (52:26):
Yeah, like no one love, like some, most people
don't love work, but like you,need money to pay your rent and
to pay your car.
No, so yeah, even if you don'tlove you like the benefits of it
if you don't love cooking, Ithink you should at least know
how to make some simple basicthings.
We always come back to thisconversation.
Travis (52:51):
I feel like we need a Travis needs to cook t-shirt.
Stephanie (52:55):
I don't know, and again, I don't.
I don't expect you to have likea schedule where you're cooking
like Tuesdays and Thursdays,but it's also something like as
a person who loves accessservice yeah, I think that's the
other part like someone madethis for me, that's like a gift
(53:15):
that I, like you know that Ienjoy and headphones.
And her phones.
But if you was in that kitchenand you like watch the recipe
and then like it's a recipe thatyou like, oh, this is something
Stephanie would like, and thenit tastes good, oh, it's the
best might be this like similarto how the night went with when
(53:37):
we got the headphones Maybe.
Travis (53:41):
I Do you still like me.
Stephanie (53:46):
I do still like you.
Do you still like me?
Travis (53:48):
very much so peace.
Stephanie (53:50):
Oh peace.
Welcome back to we Still Like Each Other.
The podcast my name is Travis.
Stephanie (00:04):
And I'm Stephanie.
Travis (00:05):
And this is the podcast where we show at the honeymoon
stage can last forever.
Stephanie (00:08):
Forever and ever hey baby.
Travis (00:10):
Hey daddy, how are you?
Stephanie (00:11):
I'm doing well.
How are you?
Travis (00:12):
Good, happy Sunday.
Happy Sunday.
We're back with another one.
These are getting harder.
Stephanie (00:19):
Harder to do.
Travis (00:20):
Harder to sit down and do Not do because it's like,
once we're sitting down, oncewe're here, it's nothing, but
it's so, that's like anything,like it's hard to just get to
the gym.
Stephanie (00:29):
Once you're there, you like, enjoy it.
You get it done.
Travis (00:31):
Yeah, but what I keep thinking about is when Santi
comes.
It's going to be a little bitof break.
Stephanie (00:37):
Yeah, we're going to have a transitionary period.
We're going to have to figureout what our schedule looks like
with another child and tryingto do this, yeah, I really A
couple of weeks ago I kind ofwas like I like the idea of
getting it done on Sunday, sothat way Sunday's podcast day,
but Sunday's also like get readyfor the weekday.
I think this week we kind ofjust didn't really take
(01:01):
advantage of Friday and Saturdaywith like some house task, so
it kind of felt like a lot to dotoday on top of us just being
tired.
Travis (01:09):
Yeah, and also Eli's activities.
That was Saturday, and then wewent to your mom's house, which
was fun, but we pay for it.
Stephanie (01:18):
Yeah, and I kind of like having Saturday for kids
stuff, activities, family stuff.
Saturday, so so I don't mindthat, but I feel like come
Sunday morning it needs to belike breakfast workout get ready
for the podcast, record thepodcast around one, two o'clock
and then, by the timeeverything's uploaded, we can
(01:41):
sit and watch TV at like six,seven o'clock at night, and the
night is, we have an early endof our day.
Travis (01:49):
Yeah, it's a lot of moving pieces.
We're here.
Stephanie (01:54):
We're here and we got a lot accomplished.
It's going to help me go intoMonday feeling good and
accomplished and not like, oh myGod, I didn't get shit done.
So it is what it is and we'llfigure it out as we go.
Travis (02:06):
How was your week?
Stephanie (02:08):
My week was pretty good.
I got new headphones.
Travis (02:15):
I couldn't tell.
Stephanie (02:16):
It sounds so stupid to like talk about getting new
headphones because it's like somaterialistic.
But there's two things aboutthat that I wanted to bring up.
One of them is I've always saidlike gifts isn't one of my top
love languages, If anything islike the least important one.
But when you gave them to me Ifelt so good.
(02:38):
Like I felt like a hypocrite,Like I saw the box and I was
really excited.
Then you left like a specialnote on it and I'm like, oh my
God, this is so sweet.
Like I was like butterflies inmy tummy.
It was like ooh.
Travis (02:53):
It was a good night.
Stephanie (02:56):
I think.
And then I was like you knowwhat, Maybe I'm not so much of a
hypocrite, Maybe it's becauseof the words that made it even
extra special.
Travis (03:04):
I think if I'm going to shoot you some bail here, I
think it's more so because ofwhat it represents and what it's
going to allow you to do.
So you know, the whole purposeof getting the headphones is not
because you're about to, youjust want to be cute working out
or whatever it's, becauseyou're home with our boys 99% of
the time and sometimes you needto disconnect, and not that
(03:26):
you're like not still on motherduties, but you know, you just
don't need to hear your namebeing called or, you know,
jumping at every time you hearlike a little wine from river
when it's nothing, he's justmaking noises.
So that kind of allows you tofocus on what you're doing and
just, I feel like disconnect isnot the right word.
Yeah, what's a better word?
Stephanie (03:46):
I kind of was joking with my friend.
I was like I just gotheadphones so I could
disassociate a couple of hours aweek.
So what it is is that, eli.
Obviously the goal is toincrease how much independent
work he can do and not be super,super dependent on my help with
everything.
But that's a process.
(04:06):
But I feel like it's alwaysimportant to remember and
listened to the other people'svoices like they're forever
online.
It was hard for us to kind ofwork towards that goal.
If he's doing work, but I'mwalking past him, I'm cleaning
the living room, I'm in thekitchen, I'm in and out, he
would just say mommy, mommy,even when he really didn't need
to, just out of like habit.
So I feel like that kind ofsets a boundary, like mommy has
(04:28):
her headphones on, I'm doing mywork, you know, and he knows
like if he really is stuck onsomething, he'll tap me on the
shoulder or let me know.
Um, the other thing is,sometimes if he's doing work, I
want to hear music while I'mcleaning, but that distracts him
.
So I can't put the TV, themusic on, just on our speakers,
(04:48):
cause then he can't get his workdone.
So there'd be times where I'mjust like in silence, doing
dishes or holding on.
Travis (04:54):
Yeah, shake that ass for Drake Now, shake that ass for
me.
Stephanie (04:58):
Yes, we're going to talk about Drake, but yeah, so
maybe it is that, maybe it'swhat it represents for me and
like my stay at home mom life.
But I really felt like ahypocrite cause I'm like, damn,
it feels nice to get a gift.
Travis (05:14):
I'm happy to help.
Stephanie (05:15):
How was your week it?
Travis (05:17):
was good.
Um work flew by and then, youknow, the activities for Eli
took a lot out of me this week.
I think both of us, but it wasjust it's.
It's nonstop from the moment Iget off.
I get off pretty early but youknow, commute and then as soon
as I get home it's maybe use thebathroom and then go right back
(05:38):
out the door.
Sometimes I get to eat dinner.
So it's a lot.
I'm also reminding myself it'sfor the benefit of Eli and it's
not all year round.
Um he's doing soccer.
It's like a nine week programso I can tough it.
I can tough it out for nineweeks.
Stephanie (05:55):
It's not.
It's not that little world.
Travis (05:56):
Um, and I also feel accomplished once it is done.
It's like you know, despiteworking, despite the commute, I
still get home in time to youknow, give him what he needs.
Stephanie (06:08):
Even some days he doesn't even want to do it, but
I'm like pushing him through Um,this week when he was at
Taekwondo practice, there was anew kid and at the end Eli was
telling him great job, was thisyour first day?
And the kid was like his secondday, he goes well, you did
really good.
He kind of like padded him onhis back while he was telling
him and the kid was a littleyounger than him and it just
(06:31):
showed me like this is healthysocialization that he's
experiencing even though he'shome school, um, and I just felt
proud of him in that moment andit kind of affirmed that, like
we're doing what we need to do,he's not missing out on any
socialization and he's a goodkid.
He's a great kid, yeah.
Travis (06:52):
I could tell, since he's recently moved up in belts, so
he's a yellow belt now.
And he could see that he feelslike more responsible and I feel
like that's just going to keephappening.
It makes you really like thesystem they have in place
because of that.
Stephanie (07:06):
Yeah, like earning belts.
Yeah, it's something to lookforward to, but then it also
gives you confidence.
Every time you have one, hefeels like an elder, to like the
new kids who don't have anybelts.
Travis (07:15):
Yeah, it's pretty dope.
And then we wrapped up the weekwith going to your mom's house.
That was fun.
Um, it took a lot of energy toget there.
I won't lie Like I'm sure I hadone of those traps, those
Travis faces the whole time.
Stephanie (07:28):
Of course, you would have probably preferred, like
after soccer, after Tech Wando,to just relax.
Travis (07:33):
I even brought my switch because I'm like I'm going to
just let them yada, yada, yadatalk and I'll be in the corner
playing my Nintendo.
Stephanie (07:39):
And I didn't touch that switch.
Travis (07:41):
I didn't touch it because I was having a good time
.
So it was a reminder to likenot all the time, but push
ourselves to like just go hangout, go to a family and hang out
, chill.
Stephanie (07:51):
It doesn't have to be a big event, she said something
right.
Travis (07:53):
She said something like you don't have to call or just
tell me what you want to eat.
Stephanie (07:57):
Hopefully it doesn't take you so long to come again,
and I was like you need to letus know, invite us, she goes you
.
I don't have to invite you,just call me and say hey, ma,
we're coming over tomorrow, sodon't wait for an invite.
Travis (08:09):
And it's literally like a 40, 45 minute drive.
It's nothing in the grandstand,yeah.
Stephanie (08:15):
But I have some San Cocho left over from that that
my mom made.
And I'm going to have for lunchtomorrow, so that's exciting.
Travis (08:21):
I love that for you?
Stephanie (08:24):
Yeah, my mom even kind of made Travis like a
separate dish sort of.
Travis (08:28):
Yeah, I'm not a big soup guy, so she put, like, some
meat aside for me.
Yeah, some of the meat before.
What is San?
Stephanie (08:34):
Cocho.
Before she put it in the SanCocho, she like separated it and
put some peppers and onions.
Travis (08:40):
That's why I'm spoiled.
Stephanie (08:41):
Yeah, it was so good.
I even ate some of Travis's.
I was so full the past coupleof days.
That whole like pregnancyappetite it was hitting me the
past two days Like just eatingso much.
Travis (08:53):
I love when you do have it, because there are days where
you have zero appetite so forthe past week you've been like
eating a lot.
Stephanie (09:00):
I'm like whatever I said two days, he said a week.
Travis (09:06):
Past month you've been going hand.
Stephanie (09:09):
Yeah, you're right, it's been good.
I've been enjoying it.
So yeah, you read against histhis week's topics.
Travis (09:17):
Yeah, let's do it.
Stephanie (09:19):
Um, do you have something you found on the
internet that you want to share?
Travis (09:23):
Well, this one I'm calling a did you know?
Because I did some research andfound facts behind it.
Stephanie (09:29):
Okay, okay.
Travis (09:31):
So I think that's what we're going to do, maybe like,
if I can prove this with somereputable sources, okay, it's
going to be a.
Did you know if it's just likefactscom?
Oh, what was it?
Factsnet, factsnet, that's agood segment.
Stephanie (09:43):
Factsnet, all right here we go, here we go.
Travis (09:47):
Did you know?
Before World War One, parentstypically dress girls in blue
and boys in pink?
The view, sorry.
Did you know?
Y'all go get this.
Y'all go get this live edit.
Did you know, before World WarOne, parents typically dress
(10:07):
girls in blue and boys in pink?
They viewed pink as the moremasculine color and blue as more
feminine.
Stephanie (10:14):
Did you say World War One or two?
Travis (10:15):
World War One.
Stephanie (10:16):
Okay, so that was like a hundred years ago.
All right, I wonder where theshift came from.
Travis (10:22):
I'm looking at when was World War One, 1914.
Stephanie (10:25):
1914.
Yeah, a while ago.
Travis (10:29):
So I thought this was cool because, you know, I feel
like we're raising our childrenwhere that's not really a thing.
I know, even in my fashionsometimes pink has shown up.
I'm not like going out of myway to wear it, but I'm also not
running from it.
Stephanie (10:44):
Yeah, yeah.
Travis (10:44):
And same with our boys.
The other day, when I took Elito soccer practice, he had on
these long pink sock soccersocks.
Stephanie (10:53):
They go over your knees and they look cool.
Travis (10:55):
They're like a neon pink and the rest of his outfit was
black, so it's like that reallyhighlighted the outfit.
Stephanie (11:00):
It's like a pop of color.
Travis (11:02):
So we get there and one of his I wouldn't say his friend
, is just someone who's there atthe practice it goes.
Why are you wearing?
Pink and Eli goes, I like itand then they just run off.
It wasn't like this whole.
Stephanie (11:14):
Big thing, Like I.
I like that interaction, rightCause sometimes if you are
stepping outside of a norm,you're easily offended if people
question you and I feel likethat was a healthy way.
Like the kid was shockedbecause, you know, he's not
accustomed to seeing boys werepink and Eli was proud in his
choice and said because I likeit, and then that was it, that
(11:35):
was the end of it and I lovethat.
Um, that also made me think ofwhen we were looking for names
for Santi.
I knew I didn't want somethingsuper, super feminine and in my
research, um, you know, theblonde actress from oranges, the
new black, like the maincharacter.
Fiona no oranges, the new black,the new black oh um, I'm
(11:59):
talking about shamelessshameless.
Uh, I forgot her name.
Oh, the one that was like theyfollowed her in the beginning.
In the beginning.
Travis (12:04):
Yeah, Like the I don't remember her name, yeah.
Stephanie (12:06):
But anyway, her in real life.
She named her daughter Georgeand there was like a whole
article about that and she saidthat in her research George used
to be a feminine name and then,like at some point it changed,
um, and she was like I just likethe name George, like I just
think it's pretty cool and I waslike that's kind of extreme for
(12:27):
me personally, but because ofhow conditioned I am to think
that, like, george is amasculine name, you know I love
names Like the oil of um whenyou come across girls or women
like that where they have like adifferent Bobby George, yeah.
Yeah, but even like you knowwhat name always used to trip me
up, that Stephen Curry wasn'tStephen Curry, Like it's stuff,
(12:53):
like people call him stuff.
Travis (12:54):
And then there's people you mean that spelled the same
way and it's Stephen.
Stephanie (12:58):
Yeah, it's spelled the same way, but they pronounce
it Stephen.
But I'm like why not just spellit with a V?
Travis (13:03):
It reminds me of that clip we just saw of Issa Rae.
Oh, someone mispronounced hername and everyone was like Issa.
Stephanie (13:12):
She said Issa Rae, and everybody was like Issa,
issa, they would jump in thatlady.
I felt bad.
Yeah, but names are important.
Pronouncing names are important.
Um, did I talk about the savestory?
I'm here, maybe.
Um, no, no, no no.
Basically, I had a student whenI first my first year of
(13:33):
teaching.
Um, I was a student who we wereall mispronouncing his name but
he never corrected us.
And at the first parent teacherconference I heard his mother
say his name.
So I was like wait, is yourname actually pronounced?
So the first I'll just say thename is the first name is
pronounced S-A-I-F, so everyonewas calling him Saif and his mom
(13:58):
says it safe.
Like you know, I have a safe inmy closet.
So I was like is your name safe?
Yes, but it's okay.
And I was like no, we can saysafe is not.
Like we have to say your namecorrectly.
Mind you, he was a fourthgrader, so it wasn't his first
year at the school and it wasyears and years of everybody
mispronouncing his name.
So then, literally that year,every teacher that came,
(14:19):
principal, anybody, if theymispronounced his name, I will
correct them.
And I got oh, but we alwayssaid safe.
I was like, well, you werealways saying it wrong.
Like, say it correctly.
Travis (14:28):
Have you seen that video ?
This girl I can't.
I can't remember where she'sfrom, but her name was like long
and difficult to pronounce hereand the teacher goes all right,
you know who you are.
What's the short version ofthis?
Stephanie (14:40):
Oh, that's so mean.
Yeah, I don't like that.
Like what?
Yeah, I know sometimes peoplewould say, like, do you have a
nickname, is there another name?
You go by.
But I also think even that'srude.
Like let them tell you.
Travis (14:53):
So I do orientation, I'd say, 99% of the time at work,
and if there's a name I say Idon't want to butcher this.
Stephanie (15:00):
How do I pronounce it ?
Travis (15:01):
I don't give it a shot.
I don't call them a shortenedversion, do you think?
Stephanie (15:05):
that's even rude, though, saying I don't want to
butcher it, I got get the intent.
I'm not saying, oh my God,that's horrible, but maybe I
don't know, like if I had adifficult name.
I wouldn't want to hear peoplesay that all the time I don't
know.
Travis (15:20):
I, for me personally, I'm taking it as like I want to
be respectful of how you sayyour name.
So before-.
So maybe say that.
Stephanie (15:26):
I want to be respectful of how you say your
name.
Or I don't want to say yourname incorrectly, but I say,
like butchering your name, Idon't want to butcher this, like
it's so difficult.
I don't want to say your nameincorrectly, or I can't
pronounce this, or, you know,help me pronounce this name.
I think Felix, saying I don'twant to butcher it sounds like.
Travis (15:48):
Sounds like I don't want to mess it up.
Stephanie (15:50):
But sounds too aggressive.
Man, you're being too PC, ohwell, All right, baby, you're
ready to get into the firsttopic?
Travis (15:59):
Yeah, let's do it.
Stephanie (16:01):
All right.
So this topic kind of came uptwo different ways.
I had a conversation with afriend, a married friend, about
something her and her husbandhave dealt with, that you and I
have dealt with, and then wewere watching the new episodes
of love is blind and one of thecouples kind of were having a
discussion and I'm like, wait,this is coming up again.
(16:21):
I just had a conversation withmy friend and, although it's not
the same argument, the sametactics are happening right.
So I guess I'll start with thisquestion how do we address a
personal need that is not beingmet in a relationship without
discrediting all the other waysyour partner shows up for you in
the relationship?
Travis (16:42):
I think by just softening the blow right,
because it's kind of sting.
No, matter what, especially, Iknow for me, when I felt like
I'm doing a lot to show up inthis marriage, but then there's
still something that I'm fallingshort on.
I feel like the message isreceived better when you're like
(17:03):
you're making it aware, thatyou're aware of all the things
that I am doing.
But let me tell you where youcan do better.
Stephanie (17:14):
Okay, I'm struggling with this myself, right, because
there'll be times like if Ibring up something you're not
doing and I'm making these upjust for the conversation.
But like if I said to you likeTravis, you haven't made an
effort to cook dinner, and yeah,I all know that's one of our
things Like I kind of wantTravis to be a little bit more
(17:36):
intentional.
We're making these up.
I'm not making this part up,that's real.
But if your response to mebringing it up is, you know well
.
But I brought you flowers lastweek and I emptied the
dishwasher in the morning.
Those are true, and the flowersare appreciated.
The active service of youemptying the dishwasher right
before work is appreciated, butyou still are not making an
(17:58):
effort to cook dinner.
Travis (18:00):
I don't think I would ever muster up those words in
that type of situation, becauseI don't equate the two you say
that's why I'm saying I'm makingthings up and now you're saying
I would never do that.
Stephanie (18:09):
Obviously you've never said that specifically,
but you've done that Like if Ibring up something you're
lacking, you kind of say you'llsay things maybe like so let me
use this example that hashappened and again there's
probably not the exact words,right.
But if I bring up somethingabout how maybe you should be
more intentional with Eli orRiver, like in the way you
(18:31):
interact with them, and be alittle bit more intentional,
you'll say something like Idon't know, you're making me
feel like I'm the worst dad inthe world and it's like whoa,
whoa, like you're taking it waytoo extreme.
I don't think you're a terribledad, so it's like kind of
inflating when your partner kindof brings up an area of need,
(18:52):
as if they don't appreciateeverything else that you do.
Travis (18:56):
I think, why my brain goes to that is because, at
least for me, it feels like I amputting my best foot forward,
so to hear that I'm fallingshort, or like our lives, we're
really busy and although we justrecently started having
conversations about like allright, we have to just
(19:17):
prioritize the things that areimportant to us.
So spending time with our boysis a priority, but then there
are times where it's just notenough time, despite my best
intentions.
So when you say things likethat, it's like you know the
type of life that we're living,so why it feels like an attack.
When you know that, it's likeyo, we got a lot of shit going
(19:38):
on.
Stephanie (19:39):
Yeah.
So it kind of seems like youjump into defense if I bring up
like something that you'relacking in and I feel like that
makes sense, right, like we getdefensive because we're like
hold up, I know I'm messing uphere, but I'm doing a million
things right.
Kind of like that teacher whoonly called your house if you
did something wrong, but nevercalled to praise you.
(20:00):
In our relationships, though,we have to be from both ways,
right.
So if I'm the partner that'sbringing up like this need isn't
being met, how do I bring thatup without hurting your feelings
?
But also, as the receiver, youhave to say like listen to what
(20:20):
they're saying and don't add toit or generalize or blow it out
of proportion just because youfeel defensive or you feel hurt.
Travis (20:30):
Yeah, and listen, if we're going to keep it real?
Stephanie (20:32):
this is something.
Travis (20:33):
We've had long conversations about on numerous
occasions.
And I think what I eventuallyjust got to the point where it's
like, all right, I don't thinkyou're crazy, I don't think
you're just pulling things outof thin air.
There's something you're seeingthat's lacking and, at the end
of the day, it's for the benefitof not only myself but our kids
(20:57):
.
So if I'm falling short interms of spending time or
spending intentional time,that's what I would want from
you as my friend, I mean, or asmy partner, to point out.
So I'm appreciative in thatmoment, eventually, eventually,
after I get over, I guess, myego and being defensive, it's
(21:17):
like all right, this isn't, thisis valid.
So one of our lastconversations was like I hear
what you're saying and I see it.
It's not and I feel it sovalidating feelings are
important.
Stephanie (21:34):
I kind of wrote something down because I felt
like my thoughts were going toslip when I came to this topic.
So I'm going to read a littlebit of what I wrote.
I wrote that sometimes life isso chaotic and hectic that all
of our needs cannot be metconstantly Like no matter what.
We aren't going to beeverything for one another all
the time right.
(21:55):
But what I noticed has helpedis communicating right.
So if we have a conversationand I'm saying like, oh my God,
it's been such a busy week and Iknow the next few weeks are
going to be busy you know Elihas this soccer for nine whole
weeks.
But I see you, I get it, Ican't wait till things calm down
(22:16):
and I can cook dinner for youone day.
Just that acknowledgement oflike we're running on 45% right
now and just like ourrelationship can't get more than
that.
But eventually it will Likekind of like that
acknowledgement that something'smissing.
Travis (22:35):
I think that's where I fall short a lot of times too,
because what happens and it'slike you know, like when someone
tells you something that youwere thinking already, it's-
like fuck.
I was thinking that, but nowit's going to seem like you
brought it to me because youwere the more vocal one, so in
my it goes back to me having tobe more expressive and say
(22:56):
what's on my mind, but like evenyou saying something like oh,
when we have more time we're notdoing the soccer thing for nine
weeks we kind of have more timefor ourselves.
Stephanie (23:07):
I'll cook and it's also about being proactive,
right?
Instead of waiting till thenine weeks are over and now
we're like, okay, we're justhere, how can we recover, we can
plan it ahead, Like that 10thweek we're going to plan a date
night or we're going to plansomething like put something in
the calendar to look forward to.
I think it's helpful.
I was also thinking that noteverybody who listens to this
(23:29):
has kids, right, but there areyoung couples who are still in
school, maybe, or doing a careerpivot or anything that kind of
prevents them from meeting allof your needs, right?
That's part of life, especiallyif you're growing and evolving
with people, and this is thesame thing applies.
We can't expect that ourpartner is going to be in school
(23:53):
and working full time and thenalso be everything we need.
That's just not going to work.
But just communicating,validating each other's feelings
is going to be so helpful, andacknowledging those
insufficiencies but saying I'mgoing to put on my big girl
panties and I'll be fine, butit's tough kind of sharing that
(24:17):
experience.
Travis (24:19):
One thing I wanted to point out and I think it's human
nature, but it also it comeswith maturity is realizing this
is not a good idea.
Is that, when our partners aretelling us something that we may
be falling short on, is that wefeel that that's the opening to
tell them what they're notdoing for us, and that's maybe
(24:41):
that our defense going upbecause it's like if this was a
problem and I'm not saying it'snot a problem why are you
waiting for this moment when youcould have brought it
separately?
Stephanie (24:53):
That's why like intentionally opening the floor
to share things.
Travis (24:57):
Like having meetings Like having a meeting.
Stephanie (24:59):
So that way it doesn't feel that way.
It doesn't feel like well, youdo this, well, you know X, y and
Z.
Like it's on purpose.
This is the floor, like it'sopen mic night and you're going
to tell me all the things onyour mind and I get to tell you
all of mine.
And it doesn't feel that way,it doesn't feel like well, since
I brought this up, now you'rebringing something up.
Are you making that up?
(25:19):
Sometimes it feels fake, likeit feels like you're making up a
problem, just so you know.
Travis (25:27):
I know a lot of people who sometimes they don't really
have anything of substance toadd to a conversation, but
sometimes they just want to fillthe space, the space, so they
just say something random.
Stephanie (25:37):
People who lie a lot are like that.
They like try to relate, sothey'll make up stories or
inflate stories.
Yeah, that can happen duringdiscussions in your relationship
, right?
If someone's calling you out onsomething, if you're one of
those people that needs torespond instead of listening to
(25:58):
understand, you're going to be aliar.
Travis (25:59):
Yeah, People.
What is it like?
People are just waiting theirturn rather than really taking
it in.
Stephanie (26:04):
I'll cut you off on the defense.
Yeah, definitely.
I feel like this is somethingeven at this point we still kind
of struggle with personally.
And I even struggle because, asa stay at home mom, you have
that all of society telling youand even you're in a voicing
(26:28):
like he worked so hard so thatyou could be home.
So then it's like when I dohave a need that's not being met
, I kind of feel guilty evenbringing it up because it's like
girl, why are you even bringingthis up?
Who cares?
But it's like being okay withthe fact that I can express this
feeling it's still valid.
Travis (26:49):
Yeah, but I'm also I hope that you know that I'm
aware that this isn't easy whatyou're doing for us, right?
If I could even make theargument that what I'm doing is
easier in terms of it's like allright, I get up early and I go
to.
I do what I was doing when youdid have a job.
I'm not, you know.
Stephanie (27:10):
Yeah.
Travis (27:11):
So what you're doing is difficult as fuck and you're not
just like making sure our kidsdon't kill themselves.
You're doing a lot Even nowwith homeschool and all the
needs of river and eating alone.
So, yeah, I hope I never makeyou feel like we're not on the
(27:32):
same level of anything.
I'll put you above me.
Stephanie (27:37):
You just said something that's going to help
me transition into the nexttopic.
Like you talked about how eveneating, like feeding the kids,
is like a whole task all day.
And yes, but I will say that Inoticed that now that Eli's home
, I'm nourishing myself better.
I'm eating better because Iknow I have to feed him Cause,
(27:59):
yeah, river had to eat but hewas eating milk, drinking milk
and like I will make him somelittle eggs and some fruit, like
something small that like I canmake him a meal and not make
myself a meal, whereas now I eatwhat Eli eats.
So, in the fact that I have tomake him breakfast and I have to
make him lunch, I'm actuallyeating, cause I would like skip
(28:20):
meals before when he was inschool, because it was just like
I'd rather go clean upsomething.
I'm not really hungry, I hadcoffee, so having him here has
helped me nourish my own body.
And the reason I say thattransitions into the next topic
is because a lot of times wethink of like our kids and the
(28:41):
things we do for our kids as aseparate task, like this big
hurdle, this extra task to dolist, because we're not putting
ourselves in the task together,like we're not seeing the value
in it for us.
You know, it's like we're doingsomething for them and not
really seeing like well, when wedo for them, we do for
(29:01):
ourselves and like seeing thebenefits in that.
Do you remember we were talkingabout it, that episode that we
kind of made that clip?
That was like fuck them kids.
Travis (29:12):
Yeah, it was like episode six yeah.
Stephanie (29:15):
Do you remember the gist of why we were talking
about that?
Travis (29:17):
If I remember correctly, it's something along the lines
of we have to be, we have to begood first, and it trickles down
to our kids.
Stephanie (29:25):
Yes and, like you know, prioritizing our
relationship, because if you andI are good, then our kids are
good, and I still feel that way.
But then I went back to theepisode and it was mostly the
reason it came up was we weretalking about couples who say
we're going to stay togetherjust for the kids, so like they
have terrible relationships butthey don't want to leave because
(29:46):
of the kids and it's like thatdoes the opposite for the kids
they're actually going to.
It's going to be moredetrimental if you do stay
together but don't actually likeeach other.
But something that I've beenreflecting on personally with us
is that doing for the kidsalways felt like we need our
(30:07):
tank needs to be full so that wecan have the energy, the
strength and the will to dosomething with our kids, whereas
now I'm seeing that doingthings for our kids also feeds
and fuels us, like seeing thebenefit of quality time with our
kids has changed right, likeit's always felt like a task and
(30:31):
now it's like part of life andit sounds toxic as fuck.
You're like you've been a momduh, but it's not always thought
in that way.
You know what I mean.
Travis (30:41):
Yeah, and I kind of took that fuck them kids too literal
, right.
Yeah, it's just I thought for along time that putting us first
was going to benefit them, andsomething has clicked in the
past year or two.
It could be even the additionof River, where I'm seeing the
(31:04):
benefit of just doing thingsalongside them that also bring
us joy, right.
So like, for example, I love,like Star Wars, marvel those are
generally PG, pg 13,.
You like and watch that stuff?
and we can talk about it, and itbrings him joy not only to be
around us, but he enjoys theseshows too, and for a while there
(31:28):
was a separation where I feltlike one oh, he's too young or
I'm going to have to do too muchexplaining, like, and this is
my thing, this is what brings mejoy, and it's bringing me joy
to have him ask questions.
Stephanie (31:42):
Yeah, and even like, for example, doing game night
with the kids.
Right, it's like, oh, findingtime, prioritizing it.
And then if we do game night,that means we can't have like a
movie night.
Personally, we can't watchadult TV, but game nights be fun
as hell.
Like, literally, genuinely,despite the fact that it's great
(32:03):
for our kids, is like we have agood time, like our stomach is
in stitches, we're dying,laughing, we enjoy it, we learn
about what our kids like, andthen it's also a cheat sheet to
parenting, because your kids arelearning how to lose right and
how to handle their emotions ifthey lose a game.
Travis (32:24):
You know, we've had a lot of rough moments where video
games and I'm naturally goingto be better, I'm older, I've
been playing them a lot longerand Eli, we get frustrated a lot
of the times and at one point Ihad to like point the mirror to
myself because it's like allright, why is he like this?
It's because you aren't playinggames with him where he has to
lose and learn that it's okay.
Stephanie (32:45):
And how to model losing and how to lose
graciously, how to congratulateone another right.
Travis (32:54):
And I know it's a struggle for him sometimes, but
I can see him like pushinghimself to be like super
positive.
You're like oh, good job, daddy, Good job.
Oh, like Scrabble, oh that's acrazy word and I know on the
inside he's like oh, this ismother fucker, but you know, you
make it till, you make it right.
Stephanie (33:12):
And in those moments we put ourselves first, because
the laughter, the joy of likegame night with us fuels our
personal relationship.
And then we also feeding intoour kids at the same time,
Talking about all of theactivities.
Eli is in.
He had got a perfect attendanceaward Me.
Travis (33:34):
Exactly, I got a perfect attendance award.
Stephanie (33:38):
Eli got a perfect attendance award but it felt
good because you're like, damn,I did that, I brought him here.
You know, as an educator I haveconflicted feelings about those
perfect attendance awards,because it's for the kid but
it's not up to the kid if theymake it to school.
Every day is up to the parent,right.
So it's not fair because somekids never have a chance.
Travis (34:00):
Yeah, but this one is more.
This was for Taekwondo, thiswas in.
Stephanie (34:03):
Taekwondo.
But it's the same thing.
It's not up to Eli if he goesto Taekwondo or not.
You know what I'm saying.
It's up to the parents.
So I don't really like theaward.
I'm conflicted on how I feelabout it because I feel like it,
the kids who never could getone because their parents is too
busy or you know, doesn'tprioritize it as much.
Travis (34:21):
But okay, it's kind of be their fault.
But then I think that goes onthe parents.
I get what you're sayingbecause at the end of the day
the award is being given to thechild, so it was like parent
awards and then they were likeoh, parents, if you bring your
kid every single time, you'llget 5% off the next month's
(34:42):
Taekwondo.
Stephanie (34:43):
Then that's an incentive for the parent and the
kid doesn't even have to knowabout that.
That could be like a separatething, but if it's an award to
the kid it's kind ofembarrassing the kids who don't
get perfect attendance, eventhough it's not up to them.
Travis (34:57):
You know what I mean yeah, and things happen Like
even this week he was reallyclose to like missing a day.
Stephanie (35:02):
Yeah, this week was like rough and we made it
because we want that perfectattendance.
Eli, I don't give a shit.
Travis (35:09):
He's like it's raining.
We should stay on like it's aninside Inside.
Stephanie (35:16):
I kind of got sidetracked on that, but oh yeah
, I saw this post on Instagram.
I wish I saved it, but itbasically said children who
aren't played with become adultswho don't know how to play with
their children.
Travis (35:36):
What are you doing, man?
Stephanie (35:37):
Well, it stuck a dagger in you and I felt like I
was like ooh, that's true.
Because when you think of, whenI thought of my childhood, my
relationships with adults werevery like authoritative, like
I'm the student, you're theteacher, I'm the child, you're
the parent, and like my parentstook care of all my needs and I
(35:59):
followed all the rules.
Like it was like submissive anddominant type of situation.
It never felt friendly, which Iget you know, I ain't one of
your little friends is like afamous saying for my childhood
and I get that because there hasto be like a baseline level of
respect.
But I also, for me personally,I want to build a friendship
(36:22):
with my kids, like that'simportant to me.
Travis (36:24):
Yeah, I think you know it's difficult the older you get
and you're realizing there's somuch you don't know about your
parents in terms of like thatfriendship level.
And my hope is that when I doget, or my kids get older, that
they feel like they know me,they know what makes me tick and
(36:45):
I'm obviously not going tothrow it all on them in terms of
my life.
Maybe one day I'll say hey,watch the podcast, some crazy
stuff that I've been through.
But for their early years.
I want them to feel like theyknow me, at least on the surface
level.
I think a lot of times likethere's things I'm hearing about
my parents now and I'm justlike what, how did I never know
(37:08):
this?
And it's mature stuff, it'slike adult content, but I don't
know.
It just feels like I wish itwas more intentional.
Stephanie (37:17):
Yeah, I think.
For me it's more so even whenwe talked about like if Eli
doesn't know how to lose, whatbetter way for him to learn than
with playing with us?
Travis (37:28):
Yeah.
Stephanie (37:29):
You know what I'm saying and a lot of times we
feel like kids need other kidsfor that right, like they think
the homeschool kids.
They need that opportunity toplay.
Travis (37:37):
Or you hear argue I mean the argument a lot about
bullying.
Stephanie (37:42):
Oh, like they need to get, like how how some people
benefited from that.
Yeah, and some, some people'sparents are your.
You're the first bully.
How many parents don't bullytheir own kids?
So maybe they don't need schoolto get bullied?
No, and I agree, and I feel likethere's pros and cons to that,
(38:02):
right, because, yes, you wantthem to socialize and learn how
to interact with other kids, butif all of the kids don't know
how to lose, who's teaching them?
You know, I think the ideacomes from back when the village
was helping raise each other,right, and there were multiple
age group kids playing with eachother.
(38:23):
So, like the bigger kids withthe medium kids and the little
kids and the older kids had alittle more experience, so the
younger kids were learning fromthem.
But if you have a bunch of kidsall in the same age who are
haven't learned differentlessons, it's hard for that
learning to be intentional,right?
Does that make sense?
Yeah, so that's what I mean interms of learning how to play
(38:46):
with kids, and also patience,right, because we get easily
annoyed and triggered by ourkids, because we're not used to
that.
We never saw adults play withus and deal with our childlike
behaviors and tics in a way thatmade sense, so like if I
annoyed the shit out of my momwhile we were trying to play a
(39:07):
game and I saw how she respondedand how she spoke to me and how
she got me to calm down.
It'll be helpful when I'mraising my own kids and I'm
playing with my own kids andsaying you know what?
I used to do this to my mom too.
And this is how she respondedyeah, do you feel like playing
(39:30):
with children comes natural toyou?
Travis (39:33):
No, Not at all.
I'm actively trying, pushingmyself, Like you said, like I am
finding joy in doing the thingsthat we've been doing as of
late, like the past couple ofmonths playing, you know, having
family game night, watchingmovies.
But I am pushing myself becauseI would rather be doing a
(39:57):
million other things and it's,you know, being selfish and
trying to like step out of that.
And you know I'm in a rolewhere I'm a father now and I
can't be.
Stephanie (40:11):
You can't be what Selfish.
Travis (40:12):
Selfish.
It's not to say that I want tolose myself and lose what brings
me joy, like I still want tohave my time where I play video
games, go for a bike ride, watchthe things I enjoy, where I
don't have to be explaining tosomeone what's going on.
But with all that being said, Idecided to have kids.
No one put a gun to my head.
So with that comes somematurity and comes some, you
(40:39):
know, being selfless.
Stephanie (40:42):
Yeah, and I also I saw another post about like I
have someone's childhood in myhands and although it's hard
sometimes, and like your brainwants to do the selfish thing
and like have your own time ordo what you want to do for
yourself.
This is all what's that wordfor like satisfaction in the
(41:04):
moment, instinct gratification.
But then in the long term, ifour kids have all this childhood
trauma or things from theirchildhood that you, they wish
you did differently, you'regoing to have so much regret and
that's going to hurt a lot morethan being a little selfless
now with our kids.
Travis (41:24):
The other day Eli told stuff that his memory started
when he was five.
Stephanie (41:29):
I was like yes, that's so funny, I will say, and
you've all heard me talk abouthow, like Eli's, early years
were me working two jobs inschool, yada, yada, yada, and in
the back of my mind I used totell myself like I got a little
time because I didn't reallyremember anything.
(41:50):
But there is a lot of researchthat shows that a lot of what
we're exposed to, even an early,early childhood, sticks with us
, and maybe not as explicitmemories, but they impact, like
our temperament.
You know our emotional behavior.
So I'm like I couldn't be tooout there, neglectful with my
(42:14):
kid, you know what I mean.
Like you can't have like atraumatic one through four and
then expect like, oh, but atfive his life was great and that
there's not going to be someresidual impact from those early
ages.
But it's never too late torecover.
You know, with spending moretime together, being more
intentional, it's not going tobe easy, it's going to feel
(42:35):
unnatural.
Travis (42:37):
I'd go as far as saying you could have grown ass kids,
and it's not too late.
And you know that's my messageto everyone out there feeling
like you know you may have kidsthat you think are living their
lives and they're so occupied inthat, but just taking that time
to realize, at the end of theday, we all, we have our inner
(42:58):
child and our inner child wantsour mommies and daddies to like,
pour into us.
So I don't think it's ever toolate to to fix those things.
Stephanie (43:09):
Yeah, I do think, though, if you are, if you do
have grown kids and you'vecreated a lot of damage in that
relationship, it might not be soeasy to try to fix it in adult
age.
You know, and you have to alsorespect your child's, your adult
children's, boundaries.
If they feel like they've beenhurt so much that they don't
(43:30):
want to give you a chance, thenyou have to respect that, and
maybe you did lose your chance.
Travis (43:35):
Yeah, I also feel I don't know it's different we
give.
I think we want to give ourparents grace, like it's just
something that's embedded in usLike we want to give them the
benefit of the doubt.
Stephanie (43:51):
Yeah, but there's limits.
You know what I mean?
Travis (43:53):
Yeah, and I guess it depends right, Because there's
levels to this.
It could be like abuse.
Stephanie (43:57):
Yeah, like extreme abuse and neglect.
I'm thinking not as extremeyeah, not as deep yeah.
Travis (44:04):
So when I say that, I'm saying you can, you can try.
Stephanie (44:09):
Another thing there was a post on humans in New York
the other day about these twosisters who endured the same
childhood, but it affected themboth very, very differently.
Was it difficult yeah theydidn't really say exactly what
happened, but they just saidthat like we endured the same
childhood and for me it likebroke me, like it you know she
(44:31):
was doing drugs and like it justimpacted her life because she
was always so sad and so muchpain over what she had to endure
.
Whereas the other sister kindof was like like I need to work
my ass off, she did well inschool, she got a good job.
She kind of like stuffed it alldown and like was like, despite
this traumatic childhood, I'mgoing to do what I got to do to
(44:54):
succeed.
Whereas the other one was likeI was just so sad all the time
that I just couldn't and thatthe fact that the other sister
was so okay with it and able tojust live her life it kind of
pissed her off.
Like what do you mean?
Travis (45:06):
I saw this TikTok the other day.
It was like the sister was likea dance and the sister who had
to move out as soon as she couldbecause she couldn't follow her
parents rules.
And then the younger sister waslike the sister who gets to do
whatever she wants.
Stephanie (45:22):
But if you think about that specific scenario,
it's like the sister leavingprobably made the parents
realize like, oh shit, we needto do something different with
this next order before sheleaves us too.
So it's like her courage toleave helped her younger sister.
You know what I mean and I feellike I think I might have
mentioned that Like we can't bejealous of our siblings.
If they have a better childhoodthan us, we should be grateful.
(45:44):
You know?
Like, don't be a hater, like itsucks, but you know what you
want to wish them a shittychildhood too.
Travis (45:54):
I think the frustration and I'm definitely not speaking
from personal experience, but Ithink the frustration is when
you just want them to be morelike empathetic to what you did
go through and they're just kindof like living in La La Land.
Yeah, like you want yourfeelings validated.
Stephanie (46:13):
Yeah, I definitely can relate to that specifically,
like with my biological father.
I feel like I have one of mysisters will kind of tell me,
like like he's just your dad,like he's just your dad, like
you know, he's not a great dadto me, but they live together.
So I'm like, yeah, he wasn'tlike intentional and and I
didn't have like daddy, daughterdays or anything like fatherly
(46:38):
in that sense, but he paid thebills in your house and kept the
food, the fridge in your houseand the lights on.
He never did any of that for meor my mom and we had to fucking
figure it out on our own.
So I still am entitled to feelaway, you know.
So I get it.
I get that too, like justwanting your feelings validated.
(47:00):
Yeah, are we putting a pin?
Travis (47:03):
in this.
Stephanie (47:04):
I think we're putting a pin in that, I guess.
To wrap it up, just when itcomes specifically to couples
with kids and who I feel like alot of people appreciated us
saying that like put us firstbefore the kids, I feel like the
only thing I want to add on topof that because I agree like we
(47:25):
need to be good for our kids tobe good.
Don't stay together just forthe kids if you're not good.
But I feel like we need tostart seeing the family unit and
how experiences together helpthe family overall, when it
comes to the marriage, when itcomes to individual
relationships within the family,how to find those moments and
(47:46):
like be intentional to createthem as well.
Travis (47:50):
So it's still fucked them kids, but don't get crazy,
don't get crazy and you knoweven the topic earlier.
Stephanie (47:58):
Like a lot of the times in couples with children,
the reason you can't show up andmeet every need for each other
is because you have to meet theneeds of your kids and you have
to say you know what I get, thatI don't want you to give me
everything and then give ourkids 50%, like that's also not
(48:19):
okay.
Travis (48:20):
He also shouldn't be okay with someone who does do
that right, yeah, no.
Stephanie (48:24):
You don't want someone who gives you everything
and then half asses with theirchildren.
Like that's not attractive andlike no.
So the whole message of likeput us first.
It can't be taken so literal.
In that sense, I feel like it'smore so about If there is a
real big problem that needs tobe prioritized, because we can't
(48:46):
put band-aids on our bigproblems while like showing up
to soccer and being likeEverything's okay, yeah so no.
Like prioritize taking care ofthe big issues.
But also don't let Unmet needsbecause you're pouring into your
kids become huge issues.
Like Right now I can't pressTravis about not making dinner
(49:11):
sometimes when five nights aweek he's taking a lot of
different practices.
Like that's just it.
Like right now that's in thatneed and that doesn't mean I no
longer desire you to do it.
It's just I know that right nowit's not gonna happen.
Travis (49:26):
It just can't think I might extend the soccer.
Stephanie (49:31):
What is it about cooking that you just?
Travis (49:33):
it literally brings me zero joy.
Stephanie (49:36):
Okay, that's sad because it's like I don't want
to force you to do somethingthat brings you zero joy.
Travis (49:43):
I mean that was extreme statement, I think, because,
like when I had the wholeYouTube tutorial and I was
making the chicken parm, thatwas part of me that felt Really
good, especially when you wereenjoying it and then I was
eating it and enjoying it.
Stephanie (49:56):
I was like damn.
Travis (49:56):
It tastes like our Italian restaurant that we like
to go to, but it's just like ona constant basis.
It's tough not constant.
Stephanie (50:04):
You see, you see how you over your over generalizing
yeah, we agreed to once a month,that's not constant basis.
Travis (50:13):
I think it's also.
You know, I'm really big intoevolutionary psychology and we
always want to do the thingthat's easiest.
Okay as humans, right?
So what's easier for me is tojust let my wife cook or take
out or to take out.
So it's a push for me to Tocook.
Stephanie (50:34):
Yeah, cuz I get it.
Like I was talking to one of myfriends about cooking and
they're like it just Doesn'tbring me any joy to like some
people find joy in the process,right, like chopping the
vegetables, making the sauce,and then when everything comes
together, it's like thiseuphoric feeling.
They're like I don't have thatand I was like you know, for me
also it's in the taste, likeonce I take a bite of something,
(50:56):
like it's an emotionalexperience for me, like
literally, even this is I'msound stupid as fuck.
But even in Ikea the other daymy friend got a chocolate cake
and I got this other, likealmond bar with toffee, and I
took a bite of mine and I waslike this was so good, like oh
my god, you need to try it.
And then she tried and was likeMmm, and she was like, try the
cake.
(51:16):
I tried that cake, that shit wasso good.
And I was like, oh, I see it.
Like I get why.
This cake was like on your mind, this cake is like memorable,
like you want to eat this Ikeachocolate cake.
That brings me joy beyond justthe cooking.
It's just like Tasting it.
And then there's times and wedon't have time to cook and we
just order some bullshit.
I literally get sad Like I'meating a meal that I'm like.
(51:39):
It's like I'm eating just toeat because I need the energy,
but it's not Making me happy inany way.
I feel that so, yeah, but I Feellike, with cooking too, though,
there's this aspect of like,it's also a human like, need,
like we need to eat, right.
(52:01):
So I feel like, even if itdoesn't give you that euphoria
that it gives people who like tocook, we need to have a, we
need to be able to do it.
Travis (52:10):
Yeah, I mean, and that's why I Push myself to make
breakfast for the boys, becauseand there's not even a question,
it's not a I gotta do this.
It's because I want my boys fed.
I went there stomach full and,yes, like a no-brainer For at
least that moment.
Stephanie (52:26):
Yeah, like no one love, like some, most people
don't love work, but like you,need money to pay your rent and
to pay your car.
No, so yeah, even if you don'tlove you like the benefits of it
if you don't love cooking, Ithink you should at least know
how to make some simple basicthings.
We always come back to thisconversation.
Travis (52:51):
I feel like we need a Travis needs to cook t-shirt.
Stephanie (52:55):
I don't know, and again, I don't.
I don't expect you to have likea schedule where you're cooking
like Tuesdays and Thursdays,but it's also something like as
a person who loves accessservice yeah, I think that's the
other part like someone madethis for me, that's like a gift
(53:15):
that I, like you know that Ienjoy and headphones.
And her phones.
But if you was in that kitchenand you like watch the recipe
and then like it's a recipe thatyou like, oh, this is something
Stephanie would like, and thenit tastes good, oh, it's the
best might be this like similarto how the night went with when
(53:37):
we got the headphones Maybe.
Travis (53:41):
I Do you still like me.
Stephanie (53:46):
I do still like you.
Do you still like me?
Travis (53:48):
very much so peace.
Stephanie (53:50):
Oh peace.
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