April 2, 2025 • 29 mins
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Trauma leaves invisible marks that often surface in adulthood as anxiety, relationship struggles, and even physical symptoms. For Child Abuse Awareness Month this April, we're diving deep into the complex ways childhood trauma shapes our adult lives by answering the ten most common questions listeners have submitted about their trauma responses.
What exactly constitutes childhood trauma? Many people wonder if their experiences "count" when they didn't endure extreme abuse. The truth is that trauma isn't just about major events—it's anything that pushed you beyond your capacity to cope. Those persistent feelings of anxiety, disconnection, trust issues, or boundary struggles might be your nervous system's way of protecting you from past wounds.
Boundary setting emerges as one of the most challenging areas for trauma survivors who learned early that keeping peace was safer than speaking up. Setting boundaries isn't selfish—it's essential. The healing journey requires practicing small boundaries and remembering that "no" is a complete sentence. Similarly, emotional numbness and pushing people away despite craving connection reflect survival mechanisms rather than character flaws.
Perhaps most surprising to many is how trauma manifests physically. When your nervous system remains stuck in fight-or-flight mode, it can lead to chronic pain, autoimmune issues, and various physical ailments. Healing requires regulating your nervous system through mindfulness, movement, and somatic practices that help release trapped trauma from your body.
For those struggling with self-worth or wondering if complete healing is possible, there's hope. While some scars may remain, they needn't define your identity or limit your capacity for joy, connection, and purpose. Your trauma is not your identity—your strength and resilience are. As we explore these questions together, remember that every step toward understanding is a step toward healing.
Have you noticed trauma patterns in your own life? Share your experiences or ask questions by sending a text message through our podcast app. You are seen, you are known, you are loved, you are heard, and you are valued.
Song "Safe In Your Arms" by Josh Baldwin used by permission, musicbed.com subsribtion
You ARE:
SEEN KNOWN HEARD LOVED VALUED
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Shadow I see is the shadow of your wings.
The shadow of your wings.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Hey everybody and welcome back to the Wednesdays
with Watson podcast.
It is April of 2025 and thismonth we will be celebrating the
fifth birthday of theWednesdays with Watson podcast.
Absolutely crazy to me, guys.
Absolutely crazy, but thismonth is April and it is Child
(00:37):
Abuse Awareness Month.
Now, for those of you thatfollow me on social media and if
you aren't doing that, whyClick in the notes in the link
on my link tree and Instagram isprobably the best place for you
, especially in April, becauseduring April, for the last
several Aprils, I have basicallyfor 30 days taken videos of
(01:01):
myself acting like a child, andI called it the lost childhood
challenge, because my childhoodwas lost, as many of you know,
to neglect and to abuse.
Now, this month as I as thisyear, I should say is I am in
the middle.
You know, that's actually beingkind.
I am writing my dissertation.
I wish I was in the middle ofit and a bunch of other things.
(01:22):
There just isn't time to do itas much.
This year, however, I'm goingto be sharing videos from the
last several years the best ones, the funniest ones on my
Instagram to bring awareness toChild Abuse Awareness Month, and
so that handle is author AmyWatson.
Today, I am taking some listenerquestions as it pertains to
(01:42):
childhood trauma and adulthood,and so I hope that this episode
will be informational to youguys, and I would imagine that
one of these 10 questions thatwere sent to me from listeners
might be yours, and so let'sdrop into.
Have wondered, like some ofthese people that sent these
(02:12):
questions to me, how traumaaffects your life.
Now, listen, we've talked a lotabout trauma on here.
I even recorded an episodewe're a week late on about
trauma.
That got very, very heady andvery academic and all the things
, and so so I did not publishthat because it was way too
scientific and geeky, and so I'mgoing to try not to make that
(02:35):
the case today, but we've talkeda lot about how trauma affects
us.
Some people want to know,though, why certain patterns
keep repeating, and then I'veeven, sadly, had messages is
healing even possible?
Some of the most heartbreakingmessages that I get.
Today, though, I'm going totackle some of these most common
(02:55):
questions as we're sent to meby listeners, and so go, grab
some coffee, tea, whatever it isit's in your cup and take a
deep breath, and let's walk downthis road together.
The first question that wassent to me and this was sent to
me a couple times how do I knowif I have childhood trauma?
This person in particular goeson to say I didn't experience
(03:18):
abuse or anything extreme, but Istruggle with anxiety and
relationships anything extreme,but I struggle with anxiety and
relationships.
How do I know if I haveunresolved trauma?
Well, you guys know that ifyou're asking that question,
that always means you're curious, and curiosity is good when we
think about these things.
This is a good question and Ido think that I've covered this
(03:40):
a lot.
Trauma doesn't have to be onebig, scary event.
Remember, trauma is anythingthat pushes you, as a human
being, outside of your God givenability to cope, or that
sciencey, heady phrase thatyou've often heard me say window
of tolerance.
Because, you see, trauma it'snot about just major events.
(04:02):
It is about how your brain andyour body respond to the stress
that you endure.
Part of are made in the imageof God and no one is like the
other person.
So if you grew up in anenvironment where you felt
unsafe, felt unsafe, so,regardless of whether you were
(04:23):
safe or not, or you felt unheard, or if, like you, felt like you
had to earn love.
That can be trauma too.
I oftentimes am nervous.
I think is a good word aboutsharing my story, because people
will compare traumas and we'vesaid before we don't do that on
(04:45):
this podcast.
But people will say to me, amy,I don't have a story like yours
, I don't have trauma.
That's not true, okay.
So remember, trauma isn't justabout major events.
It's about anything that pushesyou outside of your ability,
your God given ability to cope.
Your ability, your God-givenability to cope.
(05:09):
Some signs of unresolved traumainclude things like feeling
anxious or disconnected and youreally can't find a reason like
you are just all the timeriddled with anxiety.
You may be struggling withtrust, trusting other people.
You might not have a great selfworth.
You may have poor boundaries.
The latter is a huge traumaresponse poor boundaries.
(05:30):
You might overreact to stressor you might completely shut
down.
One of my favorite shows of alltime is the West Wing and
there's an episode early onwhere Martin Sheen, who plays
the president and the West Wingfriend, is killed because an
airplane is shot out of the airand he basically wants to blow
(05:54):
that country off of the map, andthe episode is called
Disproportionate Response.
If you are responding like afive-along fire when you stub
your toe.
You need to talk to somebodybecause there's something going
on.
This is this overreacting thatwe see.
Or if things happen and you'relike, meh, I don't even know
(06:16):
what's going on, I don't feel,and so, that being said, those
things are some ways to know ifyou don't remember a particular
traumatic situation in your lifebut yet you're feeling anxious,
or you're feeling disconnectedand there's not a reason for it,
or you're overreacting like youwant to blow a country off the
(06:38):
map for something and it was onehuman being.
You're overreacting to thingsIf you struggle with self-worth
or boundaries.
Let's talk about boundaries.
Great lead into the nextquestion from a listener why do
I struggle with boundaries?
This person goes on to say Ihave had a hard time saying no
(06:58):
and always put others beforemyself.
Could this be related tochildhood trauma?
And no, I didn't make up thisquestion, although I could have
written this question, because Idefinitely struggle with this
myself.
The truth is, many traumasurvivors learn that keeping the
peace this is so important.
Keeping the peace in asituation oftentimes is safer
(07:23):
than speaking up.
I'm going to say that again.
Survivors of childhood abusehave learned, have been
conditioned, have beenpsychologically conditioned and
therefore will psychologicallyrespond to the inerrant thought
that being safe and keeping thepeace is better than speaking up
(07:48):
.
Let that lay there, becauseboundaries are not selfish at
all.
Your voice matters.
One of the things we say onthis podcast is you are seen,
you are known, you are loved,you are heard.
Boundaries are not selfish,they're essential.
Here is what healing looks likePracticing small boundaries and
(08:11):
sitting with the discomfortKind of give you an out there
nebulous example.
Say, somebody in your life istoxic, or maybe somebody in your
life is a trauma maker and youneed to set boundaries because
they're all over your psyche,all over your world.
You can do things like hey,please don't text me past eight
(08:33):
o'clock at night, small boundary, and you will be really
uncomfortable and people willchallenge those boundaries.
They will text you at 830.
And if you respond, you'reconditioning them to say her
boundaries, his boundaries,don't matter.
And so practice smallboundaries before you do the big
ones.
And remember this no is acomplete sentence, period.
(08:54):
No is a complete sentence.
And if it costs you your peace,it's too expensive, right?
If it costs you peace, it's tooexpensive.
I don't know who actually cameup with that quote not me.
But boundary setting forsurvivors of trauma is very,
(09:15):
very difficult, and this issomething that I'm going to be
helping people with with myVictory Trauma Consulting that
we have soft-launched and workone-on-one with people, and if
you're interested in that, youcan also click on the link in
the notes.
I would love to sit down withyou for 15 or 20 minutes, but
boundaries is a big one forsurvivors of child abuse.
(09:35):
Somebody asked why do I feel sonumb instead of sad when I think
about the things that I havebeen through?
The person continues to say Iknow I've been through some
difficult things, but I don'treally feel anything about them.
What's wrong with me?
This question broke my heart.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, iswrong with you.
(09:56):
Remember this is the fight,flight, freeze or fun that we
see in PTSD.
So emotional numbness is asurvival response.
Your brain, from a very earlyage, when it was not yet fully
formed, learn to shut downemotions to protect you from
overwhelming pain.
This is something that we sayin the field called
(10:20):
disassociation, and it's verycommon in trauma survivors.
Do you ever find yourself justzoning out and like you don't
even know how you got to work?
That's some disassociation thatevery one of us do, but if you
completely zone out andconversations or when you're
thinking about these things,that is your body's, your
brain's defense mechanism,protective response to protect
(10:43):
you from pain.
And the answer to not feelingnumb is to work through the
trauma with somebody that youtrust, because numbing continues
to get worse, and then, whenyou're not able to numb yourself
, then we begin to look forthings that numb us, and so
emotional numbing is aprotective mechanism until you
(11:07):
can and will deal with thetrauma.
Until you deal with it, though,your body is going to keep the
score, and so, while you feelnumb, that trauma is stuck in
your body and it needs to bemoved through, and the only way
through it is through it, andthat is with somebody that you
trust.
But you feel numb as a defensemechanism.
(11:30):
You do not have to forceemotions.
I'm not asking you to force theemotions, but you also deserve
to feel safe enough toexperience them again.
I'll say that again you don'thave to force the emotions.
No-transcript.
(11:51):
The next person asked me why doI push people away?
I crave deep connections, butthen pull away when people get
too close.
Why do I do this?
Now, this person doesn'tactually tell us how they push
people away, but we all havethose people in our life that
just test us.
They try to push us awaybecause they want to know if you
(12:13):
will stay away, because theywant to know if you will stay.
And I am saying to this personyou are likely testing people
without even knowing it, to tryto see who has the goods to stay
with you.
Not a bad way of being.
In some case, if love once feltunpredictable or unsafe to you,
your brain now associates thatcloseness with a risk.
This isn't something wrong withyou, that closeness with a risk
(12:37):
.
This isn't something wrong withyou.
This is a trauma response.
Your nervous system is tryingto protect you from the pain
that you once felt.
So you could be both using thisas a defense mechanism and
subconsciously testing thatperson to see if they're the
real deal, if they're going tostay, if they're going to leave
and hurt you too.
You can break that cycle byrecognizing when that fear is
leading the way in yourrelationships.
(12:58):
Right, just stop, be curiousand ask yourself am I pushing
people away because I'm afraid?
And you might not even knowwhat fear looks like or feels
like, because it is the standardfor you, and so you really have
to get alone with yourself onthis and evaluate how you're
feeling.
Are you afraid?
(13:18):
Are you afraid?
One of the things that you cando is find just one person,
maybe two, that you trust, andtake small, small steps towards
being vulnerable with thosepeople and trusting those people
, and then also remind yourselfthat, despite your experience,
(13:41):
not everyone will hurt you.
Safe love isn't something thatyou have to earn.
It is something that youdeserve.
Read that again.
Safe love isn't something youhave to learn.
It is something you deserve.
(14:05):
The next question can traumacause physical symptoms?
Nellie, I love this question.
Can trauma cause physicalsymptoms?
The listener goes on to say Ihave chronic pain and anxiety.
Could this be linked tochildhood trauma?
And the answer is a thousandpercent yes.
Trauma lives in the body.
(14:27):
This is vessel vanderkalk'swhole book the body keeps the
score.
He talks about how trauma willstay stuck in our body until we
process it.
It is the reason why, if any ofyou have ever done body work,
the counselor will say to you ormindfulness work, the counselor
will say to you, where do youfeel it in your body?
And you take a deep breath andyou know where do I feel it in
(14:50):
my body and for some people ittakes a long time For some
people.
I remember when I was workingwith Lauren Starnes on when the
Body Talks and she sent me thisfive minute video that made me
pay attention to how my body wasfeeling and at first I hated it
and it sent me into pureanxiety.
But that was the point shewanted me to understand that
(15:11):
trauma lives in my body and notjust in my mind.
So when your nervous system isstuck in that fight or flight
mode, it absolutely will lead tochronic pain.
It will lead to autoimmuneissues.
I have four of those and justabout anything else.
The body absolutely keeps thescore and we need to understand
(15:36):
that there's some action that wehave to take to move that
trauma through our body, becausehealing is not just about
talking.
It is about listening to yourbody.
That means regulating yournervous system.
I have an aura ring that helpsme understand where I am on.
That I realize not everybodycan afford those.
But man that helps meunderstand where I am on that I
realize not everybody can affordthose, but man, it tells me
(15:56):
when I my body is stressed, butregulating that nervous system,
first by curiosity, second bysome breath work.
I was in a session with my owncounselor a couple weeks ago and
I was telling the counselor howI go to work and just when I
leave there I have nothing leftbecause I go there and just kind
of give them all of my energiesand all of my spoons.
(16:17):
And I was telling her how wehave these doors in the hospital
because I work on a psych unit,so there's several doors to get
out and they're badged, but oneof them you actually have to
wait for one door to closebefore the other door opens.
And I was like literally up onthe door just impatiently
waiting for the second door toopen.
And my counselor said why don'tyou try to take a couple
(16:40):
breaths while you're waiting forthe other door to open and how
about you not try to help it?
Fair Breath work is a lot.
You're smelling the roses,blowing out the birthday candles
.
Movement also helps regulateyour nervous system.
(17:03):
When I learned when I wentthrough Lauren Starnes' body,
when the body talks, she hasfour things that she talks about
regulating your nervous system,moving your body, eating,
drinking and sleeping.
Stands for meds, eating, excuseme moving, eating, drinking,
sleeping.
When you're moving your body,you're not necessarily out there
(17:24):
to get your heart rate up.
You're there to get the anxietyout, and you can almost when
you walk, if you swing your armsand vision, it literally
leaving your fingertips.
You need to honor what yourbody is telling you instead of
ignoring it and then,particularly if you're of
generation X, this is veryforeign to you.
You can also explore somesomatic healing activities like
(17:44):
yoga, pilates, anything thatmakes you hyper focus.
I always tell people I loveyoga and Pilates because it just
makes.
I'm just there, trying not todie.
That's all I'm thinking aboutis trying not to die.
But guess what, when I'mthinking about trying not to die
, and I'm thinking about tryingnot to fall, I'm thinking about
holding this pose, I'm thinkingabout taking this breath.
Guess what I'm not thinkingabout?
Right?
(18:06):
All the things that are jackingup my nervous system, right,
and so trauma can handlephysical symptoms.
This next question I wasactually kind of surprised
somebody sent me but can I healwithout therapy?
I can't afford therapy rightnow.
Are there ways I can still workon healing First?
Yeah, of course there is.
(18:26):
Healing is still possibleoutside of therapy.
There's some things that youcan do.
I've talked about some of themalready Mindfulness, being
curious, taking time to processand move some of the trauma.
You can do that throughjournaling.
You're listening to thispodcast.
That's one thing that might beable to help you and then find
supportive, safe people to walkwith you.
Therapy is a great tool, but itdoesn't limit your healing.
(18:50):
Every step matters.
Now I will say part of why Iopened Victory Trauma Counseling
is to help people that can'tafford traditional therapy.
That's two and $300 an hour.
If you are interested inworking with me, you can click
on that in the show notes and Iwill reach out to you and we can
go from there.
This is on based on yourability to pay and so, but you
(19:12):
can heal without therapy andyou've got to be mindful of it.
You've got to be curious andyou have to, again mindful,
curious and pay attention allmean the same thing, but that's
what you need to do.
This next question kind of hitme in the gut why do I feel
guilty for cutting off toxicfamily members?
I had to step back from acertain family members for my
(19:33):
well being, but I feel so guilty.
This is very common in people,adult survivors of childhood
abuse, when their abusers arestill on the planet.
I'm very fortunate in therespect that my abusers are not
on the planet and so I've nothad to worry about this.
I've not had to worry aboutbeing in relationship with them.
I did have to take my traumamaker, my mom, off the
(19:55):
ventilator when I was only 19years old, but that's as much as
I've gotten into my abusers atleast, and would have had to
make this step back from certainfamily members.
But certainly I've had to dothat with family members and it
sucks.
There is no doubt about it.
And, yes, you're going to feelguilty, especially if you're a
Christian, because it seemsanti-Christian, it doesn't seem
(20:18):
biblical, and I don't have timeto talk about why that is not
accurate.
But, yes, trauma survivorsoften feel responsible for
maintaining these family ties,even when the relationships are
harmful to you.
But let me say this you are notrequired to keep relationships
that damage your mental health,because choosing your survival
is not betrayal, it's survival.
(20:39):
Say that again You're notrequired to keep relationships
that damage your mental health.
Choosing yourself isn'tbetrayal, it's survival.
Hard, hard, hard thing to do.
I know I deal with this everyday with family members.
That can't be in my life, andso it's a great question.
(21:00):
Next question why do I strugglewith self worth?
I constantly feel like I'm notgood enough, no matter what I
accomplish.
Could this be from childhoodtrauma?
And, of course, if love wasconditioned in childhood, you
might have learned that worth issomething that you earn.
But your worth isn't based onwhat you do.
(21:20):
It's based on who you are, andI'm preaching to the choir here
as a survivor of child abusemyself.
This is something that Istruggle with.
Healing looks like speaking toyourself with kindness.
Do you guys do something that Ido?
When I make a mistake, I'll belike well, that was dumb, amy.
What a dumb thing to do.
Do you speak to yourself likethat?
(21:42):
Do you speak to yourself likeyou speak to your best friend?
Because you should?
You also have to let go ofperfectionism.
Again, preaching to the choir.
You also have to let go ofperfectionism.
Again, preaching to the choir.
You also have to let go ofperfectionism.
There's something about traumasurvivors who have this all or
nothing thinking, and the factof the matter is is nothing is
(22:04):
all and nothing is no, andnothing is nothing and nothing,
as always, right, I know thatwas a lot of words, but you have
to remind yourself daily thatyou are enough.
You have to remind yourselfdaily that you're seen, you are
known, you are heard, you areloved and you are valued.
You have to remind yourself ofthose things because you are.
(22:24):
This question made me cry.
Will I ever fully heal?
The listener goes on to say willI ever be free from my trauma,
or is it something that I willstruggle with forever?
Oh, wow, you know.
As a Christian, I tell you that, sir.
(22:46):
Yeah, you could.
You could be 100% healed fromyour trauma, if that's the story
that God decides to tell inyour life.
But what if your power is inyour affliction and your trauma
is your superpower and that'sthe life that you're meant to
live?
Because, see for me, having notbeen fully healed until I get
(23:09):
to heaven makes me rely on thestar of the story, who is Jesus.
But healing isn't about erasingthe past.
It's about learning to livefully despite it, and I hope
that I've done that.
Trauma may leave scars, butthose scars don't define you.
You are not what happened toyou, but what you are is a child
(23:34):
of the Most High God.
You are your strength, you areyour resilience and you are the
precious daughter, precious sonof the Most High God.
Childhood trauma definitely hasits effects on us, its marks on
(23:57):
us, and these have been somegood questions as it pertains to
trauma in general, butparticularly childhood trauma,
because you see, what happenedto you before your brain fully
formed, changed your brain, butthe good news is is you can
rewire it and that's the kind oftrauma work that absolutely
(24:20):
brings healing, that absolutelytakes some of these negative
consequences self worth issues,not thinking you're going to
heal, toxic family members,physical ailments that we talked
about, pushing people away,relational issues, numbness,
struggling with boundaries andjust constantly questioning
(24:43):
whether you have childhoodtrauma.
Regardless of your memories,the bottom line is, guys, if
these questions resonated withyou, you could, could or could
not have childhood trauma.
I hope that the answers, thequestions and your answers
helped you.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
You can send a text messageright there while you're in your
podcast app.
It simply says send a textmessage.
(25:04):
Remember, healing is not aboutbeing perfect.
Perfect, it is about learning tolove yourself through the
process, and that is the hardestthing for us to do, and so we
will be back here in two weekswe'll probably still be talking
about this topic of childhoodtrauma.
If you have a question and weget, if we get a good number of
like these again, I will doanother q?
(25:25):
A, so pop that question andsend me a text message.
I am the only one that seesthat, and I don't even know who
you are.
I just see the last few digitsof your phone number when you
text through that, and so wouldlove to answer any additional
questions as it pertains tochildhood trauma.
Until next week, guys, or untiltwo weeks, I should say, when
we will be actually close to theactual date of the fifth
(25:48):
anniversary of the Wednesdayswith Watson podcast.
I want you to know that you areseen, you are known, you are
loved, you are heard and you areso, so, valued and, as this
song by Josh Baldwin tells us,you are safe in his arms,
because trauma, by verydefinition, is when your safety
has been compromised and you'resafe in the arms of the most
(26:13):
high.
Speaker 3 (26:14):
God see you, guys, in two weeks you were there when
there was nothing left, a sparkof hope where I saw empty names.
Somehow, even in pieces, yourestore me with your peace In
(26:42):
the driest of deserts.
You're the never-ending stream.
I'm safe in your arms, yourarms of love.
Safe in your arms, your arms oflove.
(27:03):
All of my heart, my hope, mytrust is Him.
Safe in your arms, your arms oflove.
Safe in your arms, your love.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
And the only shadow I see Is the shadow of your wings
, the shadow of your wings, andthe only shelter I need is the
(27:53):
shadow of your, is the shadow ofyour wings.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
The shadow of your wings, and the only shelter I
need Is the shadow of your wings, the shadow of your wings, the
shadow of your wings.
I'm safe in your arms, yourarms alone.
(28:37):
I'm safe in your arms, yourarms of love.
All of my heart, my whole, mytrust is in you, safe in your
(29:01):
arms, your arms of love, of love.
I'll sing in your arms, yourarms of love.
Shadow I see is the shadow of your wings.
The shadow of your wings.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Hey everybody and welcome back to the Wednesdays
with Watson podcast.
It is April of 2025 and thismonth we will be celebrating the
fifth birthday of theWednesdays with Watson podcast.
Absolutely crazy to me, guys.
Absolutely crazy, but thismonth is April and it is Child
(00:37):
Abuse Awareness Month.
Now, for those of you thatfollow me on social media and if
you aren't doing that, whyClick in the notes in the link
on my link tree and Instagram isprobably the best place for you
, especially in April, becauseduring April, for the last
several Aprils, I have basicallyfor 30 days taken videos of
(01:01):
myself acting like a child, andI called it the lost childhood
challenge, because my childhoodwas lost, as many of you know,
to neglect and to abuse.
Now, this month as I as thisyear, I should say is I am in
the middle.
You know, that's actually beingkind.
I am writing my dissertation.
I wish I was in the middle ofit and a bunch of other things.
(01:22):
There just isn't time to do itas much.
This year, however, I'm goingto be sharing videos from the
last several years the best ones, the funniest ones on my
Instagram to bring awareness toChild Abuse Awareness Month, and
so that handle is author AmyWatson.
Today, I am taking some listenerquestions as it pertains to
(01:42):
childhood trauma and adulthood,and so I hope that this episode
will be informational to youguys, and I would imagine that
one of these 10 questions thatwere sent to me from listeners
might be yours, and so let'sdrop into.
Have wondered, like some ofthese people that sent these
(02:12):
questions to me, how traumaaffects your life.
Now, listen, we've talked a lotabout trauma on here.
I even recorded an episodewe're a week late on about
trauma.
That got very, very heady andvery academic and all the things
, and so so I did not publishthat because it was way too
scientific and geeky, and so I'mgoing to try not to make that
(02:35):
the case today, but we've talkeda lot about how trauma affects
us.
Some people want to know,though, why certain patterns
keep repeating, and then I'veeven, sadly, had messages is
healing even possible?
Some of the most heartbreakingmessages that I get.
Today, though, I'm going totackle some of these most common
(02:55):
questions as we're sent to meby listeners, and so go, grab
some coffee, tea, whatever it isit's in your cup and take a
deep breath, and let's walk downthis road together.
The first question that wassent to me and this was sent to
me a couple times how do I knowif I have childhood trauma?
This person in particular goeson to say I didn't experience
(03:18):
abuse or anything extreme, but Istruggle with anxiety and
relationships anything extreme,but I struggle with anxiety and
relationships.
How do I know if I haveunresolved trauma?
Well, you guys know that ifyou're asking that question,
that always means you're curious, and curiosity is good when we
think about these things.
This is a good question and Ido think that I've covered this
(03:40):
a lot.
Trauma doesn't have to be onebig, scary event.
Remember, trauma is anythingthat pushes you, as a human
being, outside of your God givenability to cope, or that
sciencey, heady phrase thatyou've often heard me say window
of tolerance.
Because, you see, trauma it'snot about just major events.
(04:02):
It is about how your brain andyour body respond to the stress
that you endure.
Part of are made in the imageof God and no one is like the
other person.
So if you grew up in anenvironment where you felt
unsafe, felt unsafe, so,regardless of whether you were
(04:23):
safe or not, or you felt unheard, or if, like you, felt like you
had to earn love.
That can be trauma too.
I oftentimes am nervous.
I think is a good word aboutsharing my story, because people
will compare traumas and we'vesaid before we don't do that on
(04:45):
this podcast.
But people will say to me, amy,I don't have a story like yours
, I don't have trauma.
That's not true, okay.
So remember, trauma isn't justabout major events.
It's about anything that pushesyou outside of your ability,
your God given ability to cope.
Your ability, your God-givenability to cope.
(05:09):
Some signs of unresolved traumainclude things like feeling
anxious or disconnected and youreally can't find a reason like
you are just all the timeriddled with anxiety.
You may be struggling withtrust, trusting other people.
You might not have a great selfworth.
You may have poor boundaries.
The latter is a huge traumaresponse poor boundaries.
(05:30):
You might overreact to stressor you might completely shut
down.
One of my favorite shows of alltime is the West Wing and
there's an episode early onwhere Martin Sheen, who plays
the president and the West Wingfriend, is killed because an
airplane is shot out of the airand he basically wants to blow
(05:54):
that country off of the map, andthe episode is called
Disproportionate Response.
If you are responding like afive-along fire when you stub
your toe.
You need to talk to somebodybecause there's something going
on.
This is this overreacting thatwe see.
Or if things happen and you'relike, meh, I don't even know
(06:16):
what's going on, I don't feel,and so, that being said, those
things are some ways to know ifyou don't remember a particular
traumatic situation in your lifebut yet you're feeling anxious,
or you're feeling disconnectedand there's not a reason for it,
or you're overreacting like youwant to blow a country off the
(06:38):
map for something and it was onehuman being.
You're overreacting to thingsIf you struggle with self-worth
or boundaries.
Let's talk about boundaries.
Great lead into the nextquestion from a listener why do
I struggle with boundaries?
This person goes on to say Ihave had a hard time saying no
(06:58):
and always put others beforemyself.
Could this be related tochildhood trauma?
And no, I didn't make up thisquestion, although I could have
written this question, because Idefinitely struggle with this
myself.
The truth is, many traumasurvivors learn that keeping the
peace this is so important.
Keeping the peace in asituation oftentimes is safer
(07:23):
than speaking up.
I'm going to say that again.
Survivors of childhood abusehave learned, have been
conditioned, have beenpsychologically conditioned and
therefore will psychologicallyrespond to the inerrant thought
that being safe and keeping thepeace is better than speaking up
(07:48):
.
Let that lay there, becauseboundaries are not selfish at
all.
Your voice matters.
One of the things we say onthis podcast is you are seen,
you are known, you are loved,you are heard.
Boundaries are not selfish,they're essential.
Here is what healing looks likePracticing small boundaries and
(08:11):
sitting with the discomfortKind of give you an out there
nebulous example.
Say, somebody in your life istoxic, or maybe somebody in your
life is a trauma maker and youneed to set boundaries because
they're all over your psyche,all over your world.
You can do things like hey,please don't text me past eight
(08:33):
o'clock at night, small boundary, and you will be really
uncomfortable and people willchallenge those boundaries.
They will text you at 830.
And if you respond, you'reconditioning them to say her
boundaries, his boundaries,don't matter.
And so practice smallboundaries before you do the big
ones.
And remember this no is acomplete sentence, period.
(08:54):
No is a complete sentence.
And if it costs you your peace,it's too expensive, right?
If it costs you peace, it's tooexpensive.
I don't know who actually cameup with that quote not me.
But boundary setting forsurvivors of trauma is very,
(09:15):
very difficult, and this issomething that I'm going to be
helping people with with myVictory Trauma Consulting that
we have soft-launched and workone-on-one with people, and if
you're interested in that, youcan also click on the link in
the notes.
I would love to sit down withyou for 15 or 20 minutes, but
boundaries is a big one forsurvivors of child abuse.
(09:35):
Somebody asked why do I feel sonumb instead of sad when I think
about the things that I havebeen through?
The person continues to say Iknow I've been through some
difficult things, but I don'treally feel anything about them.
What's wrong with me?
This question broke my heart.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, iswrong with you.
(09:56):
Remember this is the fight,flight, freeze or fun that we
see in PTSD.
So emotional numbness is asurvival response.
Your brain, from a very earlyage, when it was not yet fully
formed, learn to shut downemotions to protect you from
overwhelming pain.
This is something that we sayin the field called
(10:20):
disassociation, and it's verycommon in trauma survivors.
Do you ever find yourself justzoning out and like you don't
even know how you got to work?
That's some disassociation thatevery one of us do, but if you
completely zone out andconversations or when you're
thinking about these things,that is your body's, your
brain's defense mechanism,protective response to protect
(10:43):
you from pain.
And the answer to not feelingnumb is to work through the
trauma with somebody that youtrust, because numbing continues
to get worse, and then, whenyou're not able to numb yourself
, then we begin to look forthings that numb us, and so
emotional numbing is aprotective mechanism until you
(11:07):
can and will deal with thetrauma.
Until you deal with it, though,your body is going to keep the
score, and so, while you feelnumb, that trauma is stuck in
your body and it needs to bemoved through, and the only way
through it is through it, andthat is with somebody that you
trust.
But you feel numb as a defensemechanism.
(11:30):
You do not have to forceemotions.
I'm not asking you to force theemotions, but you also deserve
to feel safe enough toexperience them again.
I'll say that again you don'thave to force the emotions.
No-transcript.
(11:51):
The next person asked me why doI push people away?
I crave deep connections, butthen pull away when people get
too close.
Why do I do this?
Now, this person doesn'tactually tell us how they push
people away, but we all havethose people in our life that
just test us.
They try to push us awaybecause they want to know if you
(12:13):
will stay away, because theywant to know if you will stay.
And I am saying to this personyou are likely testing people
without even knowing it, to tryto see who has the goods to stay
with you.
Not a bad way of being.
In some case, if love once feltunpredictable or unsafe to you,
your brain now associates thatcloseness with a risk.
This isn't something wrong withyou, that closeness with a risk
(12:37):
.
This isn't something wrong withyou.
This is a trauma response.
Your nervous system is tryingto protect you from the pain
that you once felt.
So you could be both using thisas a defense mechanism and
subconsciously testing thatperson to see if they're the
real deal, if they're going tostay, if they're going to leave
and hurt you too.
You can break that cycle byrecognizing when that fear is
leading the way in yourrelationships.
(12:58):
Right, just stop, be curiousand ask yourself am I pushing
people away because I'm afraid?
And you might not even knowwhat fear looks like or feels
like, because it is the standardfor you, and so you really have
to get alone with yourself onthis and evaluate how you're
feeling.
Are you afraid?
(13:18):
Are you afraid?
One of the things that you cando is find just one person,
maybe two, that you trust, andtake small, small steps towards
being vulnerable with thosepeople and trusting those people
, and then also remind yourselfthat, despite your experience,
(13:41):
not everyone will hurt you.
Safe love isn't something thatyou have to earn.
It is something that youdeserve.
Read that again.
Safe love isn't something youhave to learn.
It is something you deserve.
(14:05):
The next question can traumacause physical symptoms?
Nellie, I love this question.
Can trauma cause physicalsymptoms?
The listener goes on to say Ihave chronic pain and anxiety.
Could this be linked tochildhood trauma?
And the answer is a thousandpercent yes.
Trauma lives in the body.
(14:27):
This is vessel vanderkalk'swhole book the body keeps the
score.
He talks about how trauma willstay stuck in our body until we
process it.
It is the reason why, if any ofyou have ever done body work,
the counselor will say to you ormindfulness work, the counselor
will say to you, where do youfeel it in your body?
And you take a deep breath andyou know where do I feel it in
(14:50):
my body and for some people ittakes a long time For some
people.
I remember when I was workingwith Lauren Starnes on when the
Body Talks and she sent me thisfive minute video that made me
pay attention to how my body wasfeeling and at first I hated it
and it sent me into pureanxiety.
But that was the point shewanted me to understand that
(15:11):
trauma lives in my body and notjust in my mind.
So when your nervous system isstuck in that fight or flight
mode, it absolutely will lead tochronic pain.
It will lead to autoimmuneissues.
I have four of those and justabout anything else.
The body absolutely keeps thescore and we need to understand
(15:36):
that there's some action that wehave to take to move that
trauma through our body, becausehealing is not just about
talking.
It is about listening to yourbody.
That means regulating yournervous system.
I have an aura ring that helpsme understand where I am on.
That I realize not everybodycan afford those.
But man that helps meunderstand where I am on that I
realize not everybody can affordthose, but man, it tells me
(15:56):
when I my body is stressed, butregulating that nervous system,
first by curiosity, second bysome breath work.
I was in a session with my owncounselor a couple weeks ago and
I was telling the counselor howI go to work and just when I
leave there I have nothing leftbecause I go there and just kind
of give them all of my energiesand all of my spoons.
(16:17):
And I was telling her how wehave these doors in the hospital
because I work on a psych unit,so there's several doors to get
out and they're badged, but oneof them you actually have to
wait for one door to closebefore the other door opens.
And I was like literally up onthe door just impatiently
waiting for the second door toopen.
And my counselor said why don'tyou try to take a couple
(16:40):
breaths while you're waiting forthe other door to open and how
about you not try to help it?
Fair Breath work is a lot.
You're smelling the roses,blowing out the birthday candles
.
Movement also helps regulateyour nervous system.
(17:03):
When I learned when I wentthrough Lauren Starnes' body,
when the body talks, she hasfour things that she talks about
regulating your nervous system,moving your body, eating,
drinking and sleeping.
Stands for meds, eating, excuseme moving, eating, drinking,
sleeping.
When you're moving your body,you're not necessarily out there
(17:24):
to get your heart rate up.
You're there to get the anxietyout, and you can almost when
you walk, if you swing your armsand vision, it literally
leaving your fingertips.
You need to honor what yourbody is telling you instead of
ignoring it and then,particularly if you're of
generation X, this is veryforeign to you.
You can also explore somesomatic healing activities like
(17:44):
yoga, pilates, anything thatmakes you hyper focus.
I always tell people I loveyoga and Pilates because it just
makes.
I'm just there, trying not todie.
That's all I'm thinking aboutis trying not to die.
But guess what, when I'mthinking about trying not to die
, and I'm thinking about tryingnot to fall, I'm thinking about
holding this pose, I'm thinkingabout taking this breath.
Guess what I'm not thinkingabout?
Right?
(18:06):
All the things that are jackingup my nervous system, right,
and so trauma can handlephysical symptoms.
This next question I wasactually kind of surprised
somebody sent me but can I healwithout therapy?
I can't afford therapy rightnow.
Are there ways I can still workon healing First?
Yeah, of course there is.
(18:26):
Healing is still possibleoutside of therapy.
There's some things that youcan do.
I've talked about some of themalready Mindfulness, being
curious, taking time to processand move some of the trauma.
You can do that throughjournaling.
You're listening to thispodcast.
That's one thing that might beable to help you and then find
supportive, safe people to walkwith you.
Therapy is a great tool, but itdoesn't limit your healing.
(18:50):
Every step matters.
Now I will say part of why Iopened Victory Trauma Counseling
is to help people that can'tafford traditional therapy.
That's two and $300 an hour.
If you are interested inworking with me, you can click
on that in the show notes and Iwill reach out to you and we can
go from there.
This is on based on yourability to pay and so, but you
(19:12):
can heal without therapy andyou've got to be mindful of it.
You've got to be curious andyou have to, again mindful,
curious and pay attention allmean the same thing, but that's
what you need to do.
This next question kind of hitme in the gut why do I feel
guilty for cutting off toxicfamily members?
I had to step back from acertain family members for my
(19:33):
well being, but I feel so guilty.
This is very common in people,adult survivors of childhood
abuse, when their abusers arestill on the planet.
I'm very fortunate in therespect that my abusers are not
on the planet and so I've nothad to worry about this.
I've not had to worry aboutbeing in relationship with them.
I did have to take my traumamaker, my mom, off the
(19:55):
ventilator when I was only 19years old, but that's as much as
I've gotten into my abusers atleast, and would have had to
make this step back from certainfamily members.
But certainly I've had to dothat with family members and it
sucks.
There is no doubt about it.
And, yes, you're going to feelguilty, especially if you're a
Christian, because it seemsanti-Christian, it doesn't seem
(20:18):
biblical, and I don't have timeto talk about why that is not
accurate.
But, yes, trauma survivorsoften feel responsible for
maintaining these family ties,even when the relationships are
harmful to you.
But let me say this you are notrequired to keep relationships
that damage your mental health,because choosing your survival
is not betrayal, it's survival.
(20:39):
Say that again You're notrequired to keep relationships
that damage your mental health.
Choosing yourself isn'tbetrayal, it's survival.
Hard, hard, hard thing to do.
I know I deal with this everyday with family members.
That can't be in my life, andso it's a great question.
(21:00):
Next question why do I strugglewith self worth?
I constantly feel like I'm notgood enough, no matter what I
accomplish.
Could this be from childhoodtrauma?
And, of course, if love wasconditioned in childhood, you
might have learned that worth issomething that you earn.
But your worth isn't based onwhat you do.
(21:20):
It's based on who you are, andI'm preaching to the choir here
as a survivor of child abusemyself.
This is something that Istruggle with.
Healing looks like speaking toyourself with kindness.
Do you guys do something that Ido?
When I make a mistake, I'll belike well, that was dumb, amy.
What a dumb thing to do.
Do you speak to yourself likethat?
(21:42):
Do you speak to yourself likeyou speak to your best friend?
Because you should?
You also have to let go ofperfectionism.
Again, preaching to the choir.
You also have to let go ofperfectionism.
Again, preaching to the choir.
You also have to let go ofperfectionism.
There's something about traumasurvivors who have this all or
nothing thinking, and the factof the matter is is nothing is
(22:04):
all and nothing is no, andnothing is nothing and nothing,
as always, right, I know thatwas a lot of words, but you have
to remind yourself daily thatyou are enough.
You have to remind yourselfdaily that you're seen, you are
known, you are heard, you areloved and you are valued.
You have to remind yourself ofthose things because you are.
(22:24):
This question made me cry.
Will I ever fully heal?
The listener goes on to say willI ever be free from my trauma,
or is it something that I willstruggle with forever?
Oh, wow, you know.
As a Christian, I tell you that, sir.
(22:46):
Yeah, you could.
You could be 100% healed fromyour trauma, if that's the story
that God decides to tell inyour life.
But what if your power is inyour affliction and your trauma
is your superpower and that'sthe life that you're meant to
live?
Because, see for me, having notbeen fully healed until I get
(23:09):
to heaven makes me rely on thestar of the story, who is Jesus.
But healing isn't about erasingthe past.
It's about learning to livefully despite it, and I hope
that I've done that.
Trauma may leave scars, butthose scars don't define you.
You are not what happened toyou, but what you are is a child
(23:34):
of the Most High God.
You are your strength, you areyour resilience and you are the
precious daughter, precious sonof the Most High God.
Childhood trauma definitely hasits effects on us, its marks on
(23:57):
us, and these have been somegood questions as it pertains to
trauma in general, butparticularly childhood trauma,
because you see, what happenedto you before your brain fully
formed, changed your brain, butthe good news is is you can
rewire it and that's the kind oftrauma work that absolutely
(24:20):
brings healing, that absolutelytakes some of these negative
consequences self worth issues,not thinking you're going to
heal, toxic family members,physical ailments that we talked
about, pushing people away,relational issues, numbness,
struggling with boundaries andjust constantly questioning
(24:43):
whether you have childhoodtrauma.
Regardless of your memories,the bottom line is, guys, if
these questions resonated withyou, you could, could or could
not have childhood trauma.
I hope that the answers, thequestions and your answers
helped you.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
You can send a text messageright there while you're in your
podcast app.
It simply says send a textmessage.
(25:04):
Remember, healing is not aboutbeing perfect.
Perfect, it is about learning tolove yourself through the
process, and that is the hardestthing for us to do, and so we
will be back here in two weekswe'll probably still be talking
about this topic of childhoodtrauma.
If you have a question and weget, if we get a good number of
like these again, I will doanother q?
(25:25):
A, so pop that question andsend me a text message.
I am the only one that seesthat, and I don't even know who
you are.
I just see the last few digitsof your phone number when you
text through that, and so wouldlove to answer any additional
questions as it pertains tochildhood trauma.
Until next week, guys, or untiltwo weeks, I should say, when
we will be actually close to theactual date of the fifth
(25:48):
anniversary of the Wednesdayswith Watson podcast.
I want you to know that you areseen, you are known, you are
loved, you are heard and you areso, so, valued and, as this
song by Josh Baldwin tells us,you are safe in his arms,
because trauma, by verydefinition, is when your safety
has been compromised and you'resafe in the arms of the most
(26:13):
high.
Speaker 3 (26:14):
God see you, guys, in two weeks you were there when
there was nothing left, a sparkof hope where I saw empty names.
Somehow, even in pieces, yourestore me with your peace In
(26:42):
the driest of deserts.
You're the never-ending stream.
I'm safe in your arms, yourarms of love.
Safe in your arms, your arms oflove.
(27:03):
All of my heart, my hope, mytrust is Him.
Safe in your arms, your arms oflove.
Safe in your arms, your love.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
And the only shadow I see Is the shadow of your wings
, the shadow of your wings, andthe only shelter I need is the
(27:53):
shadow of your, is the shadow ofyour wings.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
The shadow of your wings, and the only shelter I
need Is the shadow of your wings, the shadow of your wings, the
shadow of your wings.
I'm safe in your arms, yourarms alone.
(28:37):
I'm safe in your arms, yourarms of love.
All of my heart, my whole, mytrust is in you, safe in your
(29:01):
arms, your arms of love, of love.
I'll sing in your arms, yourarms of love.
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