February 26, 2025 • 32 mins
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Part 1 of this series: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1027246/episodes/16606769-what-is-wednesdays-with-watson-part-2.mp3?download=true
Part 2:https://www.buzzsprout.com/1027246/episodes/16606769-what-is-wednesdays-with-watson-part-2.mp3?download=true
Discover a deeply personal and transformative journey in this episode as I share my battle with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and its impact on my life and faith. I recount the harrowing experience of being hospitalized, the emotional turbulence of facing my abuser in court, and the significance of medication as a lifeline in my fight against trauma.
Listeners will find relatable insights as I navigate the complexities of self-worth, resilience, and the essential role of a supportive community during times of profound crisis. The podcast emphasizes that healing is not merely a destination, but a journey laden with challenges and victories. Through engaging storytelling, I aim to encourage others to embrace their narratives, to realize that they are seen, known, and loved, no matter where they are in their journey.
Join me for an exploration of hope and healing. If you're seeking understanding or support for yourself or a loved one, I invite you to subscribe, share, and connect with our community. The most beautiful truths often emerge from the darkest places—let’s illuminate them together.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I love you, lord.
Oh, your mercy never fails me.
All my days I've been held inyour hands From the moment that
I wake up until I lay my head.
(00:24):
Oh, I will sing Of the goodnessof God.
Hey, everybody, and welcomeback to the Wednesdays with
Watson podcast.
If you've reached this episodeor you've dropped on this
episode, I should say this isthe fourth episode that we
dropped, and essentially whatwe're doing is we're re
(00:46):
publishing the original episodes.
I started this podcast in Aprilof 2020.
And it really kind of startedout as a pandemic project, and
that this, these, particularlythese first four episodes really
landed in the hearts and mindsof people that needed to hear it
.
I started this podcast becauseI wanted to understand trauma
myself better and I wanted tohelp you understand it better,
(01:09):
and so, as I listen back to someof these episodes, it's quite
interesting because I did nothave the benefit that I have now
of having received everythingbut my dissertation in trauma
and community care, and so, as Ilisten back to these episodes,
I'm grateful for the wisdom thatI should not have had in these
episodes.
But if you've not listened tothe previous three, we will drop
(01:31):
those in the show notes.
But this is my story, myjourney with post-traumatic
stress disorder and how I gotfrom hospitals and courtrooms
which is the episode that you'llhear today to working in a
hospital with doctors, withnurses, as a therapist and a
discharge planner, and the veryhealthcare system that helped me
so many years ago, and so Ihope that you guys will enjoy
(01:54):
this episode.
Two weeks we'll be here withlistener questions, and so I've
gotten a couple people who havesent.
If you look in your app rightnow, it says send a text message
.
I've gotten a couple people whohave sent questions that way
and I want to honor them, and soin two weeks we will have a
listener question episode.
I don't know who you are.
(02:15):
It just gives me the last twodigits of your phone number when
you send a text through thepodcast, and so if you have
questions about trauma, you havequestions about PTSD that you
would like somebody to help youwith.
Please drop those in that textmessage.
Or I'm on all social media.
Author Amy Watson on Instagram,you can shoot me a direct
message.
I am on Facebook and, yeah,those are kind of the two and or
(02:40):
you can email me atamywatson90atmecom, and that
again will be in the show notes,but the easiest way to do it is
just hit that thing that sayssend me a text message, ask your
question there and in two weeksI will cover it on this very
podcast.
And so enjoy this episode.
As I think back of the goodnessof God and I can not say with
(03:04):
enough confidence, with enoughswagger, with enough belief,
that all of my life he has beenfaithful, and some of what you
will hear today and some of whatyou've heard over the last
couple episodes, you might askme how can you say that?
Because it's true.
So all of my life he has beenfaithful, all of my life he has
(03:25):
been so, so good.
Let's drop into this lastthrowback episode hospitals and
courtrooms.
It is not uncommon for domesticviolent victims not to report
abuse, and every victim hastheir reasons.
The entirety of my marriage, Ikept thinking it would be the
last hit, the last punch or thelast verbal beatdown.
(03:45):
I prayed every night that myGod would fix it.
He didn't, and that wasincreasingly becoming even more
not okay with me.
Hey, everybody, and welcome backto Wednesdays with Watson.
Hey everybody, and welcome backto Wednesdays with Watson.
(04:07):
By now you know my name is AmyWatson and I am your host and I
am so excited that you havedecided to join us again for
episode four of season one ofWednesdays with Watson, which we
are calling PTSD Jesus and Meand, as every week, I make sure
that I just remind you guys,because there really isn't a way
to tell this story withouttelling you about the star of my
(04:27):
story, who is just the centraltheme, and those three C's.
So I am so grateful to be ableto do that.
One of the really cool thingsthat has happened over the last
(04:50):
six weeks and over the lastthree podcast episodes is people
are reaching out to me withquestions about post-traumatic
stress disorder, whether that'sfor themselves or for somebody
who they love, and at the end ofthis podcast you will find out
all the ways you can do that,including ways to share the
podcast and make sure that theword gets out, as well as
(05:12):
subscribing and social media andall of that kind of stuff.
So when we last left you acouple weeks ago, I left you as
I was leaving the hospital whereI had spent five days in the
psych ward and had beendiagnosed with complex
post-traumatic stress disorder.
I mentioned the courthouse atthe end of that podcast for a
(05:33):
reason, and most of you areprobably wondering why.
Because, as it would turn out,because of those emails that I
talked about, I was going to gofrom the hospital to the
courthouse in fewer than 12hours.
Chrissy had told me about theemails from my ex-husband as we
were driving over the bridge,this bridge in Clearwater,
(05:53):
florida, that spans thebeautiful waters of the Gulf of
Mexico.
It was right at sunset, whichis my favorite time of day, but
she told me how she hadaccidentally found the emails on
my computer while logging on toit to do some computer
maintenance or checking to makesure that there was something
that I hadn't missed while I wasin the hospital.
The emails were horrible.
His words are ones that I willnever repeat, especially on a
(06:17):
podcast filled with reasons tohope and also not knowing who
may listen to it.
Chrissy had enlisted my friendCheryl, my friend Chris and my
best friend from the children'shome, michelle.
She knew that she was in wayover her head, and none of them
none of them knew what to doabout any of it.
All of them kept it silent.
None of them told the doctorswhile I was in the hospital.
(06:37):
One thing was for sure, though.
We were headed back over thatbridge the next day and went to
visit that courthouse that mymind's eye had captured when I
walked out of the hospital thatnight, brought the
pharmaceutical kind of sleep asI mentioned.
They sent me home with ahandful of prescriptions, one of
them acting like a tranquilizerthat put me into some sort of
(06:57):
unconscious state that Ioftentimes struggled to even
wake up the next morning.
I didn't overtake any of thosemedications.
They had given me significantlyhigh enough doses, and so I
didn't need to.
It accomplished themind-numbing body resting kind
of result that clearly I needed.
I would learn later that theyhad given me so much medication
because my body just needed tocalm down.
(07:18):
It had not done that.
After all those years of trauma, they needed my actual physical
body to rest, and so they threwevery single medication that
they could at me.
I do think that, as I've oftenmentioned to you, that I'm going
to take the opportunity to beboth a storyteller and a teacher
with you, and I'd like to takethis opportunity to talk about
(07:40):
medication and mental illness.
I don't believe that the stigmathat used to be tied to
medication is still there, butunfortunately particularly in
the church, sometimes frompulpits and counseling offices
and stuff like that.
Some people are stilladvocating that we not take
(08:01):
medications, that that makes ourfaith weak or that makes us not
trust God or any number ofthings, any number of false
facts for lack of a better wayto explain that to you thrown at
people when it comes to takingmedication.
But there is an absolute andmine was one of those times an
appropriate time for medication,and you should never feel badly
(08:22):
for taking medication, justlike you wouldn't if you had
diabetes and you needed insulin.
Even Jesus used medication whenhe healed people, and even
Spurgeon, one of the great mindsof the modern Christianity
generation, had this to say ashe himself struggled with
(08:42):
depression.
Spurgeon wrote the mind candescend far lower than the body,
for in it there's a bottomlesspit.
The flesh can bear only acertain number of runes and then
no more, but the soul can bleedin 10,000 ways and die over and
over again each hour.
So even Spurgeon, who we allwould respect as somebody who
(09:03):
theologically is about as soundas it gets, understood that
depression, anxiety and probablyPTSD existed in his time and
that the mind could do moredamage than the body ever could,
and that there just is no limitreally to the damage and to the
pain that we can suffer in ourminds.
Medications are provided byscience, which is provided by
(09:26):
God.
As everything is Like I said,we don't have a problem with
people taking insulin fordiabetes.
Ptsd often transfers to bothphysical and mental issues and
oftentimes need to be medicated.
Most Christians believe in atwo-pronged approach to these
things.
However, as I have mentionedover and over also the
(09:46):
importance of counseling, andthen even counseling with a
biblical worldview, plusmedications.
I understand that not everyonewho listens, though, to this
podcast believes in the Bible asan absolute authority, but the
important thing to remember,regardless, is that you are not
weak if you need to takemedications.
Regardless is that you are notweak if you need to take
medications.
As I mentioned, we even seeJesus use medication.
(10:07):
In Luke 10, 34, when he wasbeginning to heal somebody.
He said he went up to him theman who needed to be healed and
bandaged his wounds pouring oiland wine.
Then he took the man on thedonkey with him and took him to
an inn, and then he took care ofhim, and so I think even we see
in the Bible the appropriateresponse to situations like mine
and some of yours too.
(10:28):
Courthouses boy, we drove up tothat courthouse.
Courthouses they bring somepretty bad memories for me.
One of my strongest memories ofa courthouse is the spring day
when I was just 14 years old andI literally remember, like I
can remember, what I watched onTV 30 minutes ago.
I remember watching the judgeterminate my mom's parental
rights after she left to marrythe man the last man of seven
(10:53):
who abused me.
So, driving up to thecourthouse that day with the
hospital at my peripheral, I hada horrible feeling that I can
almost feel again, as I'mtelling you my story now.
Stared at that hospital as wewere walking in and I thought
about Stacy and I wondered howshe was doing.
Then I remembered her birthdayverse, matthew 10, 31.
Do not be afraid, for you areworth more than many sparrows.
(11:16):
I remember telling Stacy thatshe was valuable to God.
I was still trying to believethat myself.
The truth is is that one ofthose things that I still have
to be reminded of is that I'mvaluable.
And when I forget, everybodyknows it, because it exhibits
itself even today, and thingslike eating disorder, not eating
, the temptation to isolate Istill do that, the default
(11:39):
classic Watson shutdown which myfriends and family know that.
They know it Basically when I'mnot speaking or texting or
emailing or engaging, I'm not onsocial media all day.
We might be in a classic Watsonshutdown, as I've mentioned
before.
While trauma does not define me,it certainly has left an
indelible mark on me and while Ididn't see it then, but I do
(12:03):
see this trauma and even itsindelible marks on me it's an
opportunity, it's an amazingopportunity for me to lean in to
the star of the story who doesbind up my wounds even today and
, as I've mentioned that passagein Hebrews, he is not
unfamiliar with our sufferings.
But when I got home from thehospital I managed to find one
(12:24):
of my Bibles and I opened it upto Stacy's birthday verse so
that I could read it again andmaybe somehow absorb the truth
of my value to God and that,despite how scary the emails
were from John, I did not haveto be afraid.
The Bible I picked up also hada verse next to it underlined.
I didn't remember what lifeevent prompted me to underline
this verse in my Bible andtruthfully, it could have been
(12:45):
any number of events.
That verse, matthew 11, verse 2.
When John heard in prison whatChrist was doing, he sent his
disciples to ask him Are you theone who was to come, or should
we expect somebody else?
And so, for those of you whodon't know, john the Baptist was
a forerunner for Christ.
It was prophesied that he wouldcome before Christ and he
(13:06):
needed to make the way forChrist.
He was sitting in prison on anisland somewhere and he was
hearing all these things thatJesus was out doing healing
people.
And he's sitting in prison.
And the verse says when heheard in prison what Christ was
doing, he sent the disciplesback to Jesus and said basically
, dude, are you coming or do Ineed to expect somebody else?
That's the Watson version.
(13:28):
That's certainly not the wayit's written in the Bible, boy.
The truth is, I felt John theBaptist at that moment.
The truth is, I was angry atGod.
The emails were the absolutelost straw.
I can't remember a time in mylife when I questioned the
divinity and the sovereignty ofGod more than I did that night.
I was still still stealingwords from John the Baptist
because I wanted to know if Godwas actually going to show up,
(13:50):
if I should keep fighting myself, or if I should expect
something else to come or justgive up altogether.
I always use a boxing ringanalogy Don't know why,
mentioned that before too.
I figured I had stayed in thering.
I got knocked down.
I got up.
I got up every single time, butthe emails were the knockout
(14:12):
punch and I wasn't even surewhat I believed anymore.
The story of how I came to knowJesus is another story for
another day.
It's actually miraculous in itsown right, but not since that
day that I was introduced tothat life-giving hope had I
questioned if the whole Jesusthing was real, and I definitely
was struggling to believeStacey's birthday verse.
(14:32):
I felt like that throwaway kidthat I had always described
myself.
The man who had vowed to loveand protect me.
Both now hated me and wanted tokill me, and so, yes, I
wondered if Jesus was real andprobably said it out loud a few
times too.
If he cared for the Sparrows.
I wanted to figure out whatthey did to get him to give them
one break, just one tiny break.
(14:54):
Chrissy and I arrived at thecourthouse and filled out the
paperwork and then sat in hardchairs in that building that
felt icky.
I knew those walls could tellstories of pain worse than mine,
and so I just decided tocompare my pain with those
untold stories of that oldcourthouse and decided my story
was survivable.
At least you guys remember whenI told you not compared to pain
(15:17):
.
Yeah, don't do it, just trustme on that one.
That didn't work out for mereal well.
That day.
We waited for our turn to pleadmy case.
I was there to file for arestraining order.
The experience was incrediblydifficult, prompted me for the
first time in years to pick upmy laptop to start writing.
I didn't want to forget thatday how horrible it was and how
(15:39):
enraged I was at the process.
That was pretty difficult for avictim of domestic violence.
Some of the words you will hearnext are excerpts from those
writings, giving you and me areal picture of where my heart
and soul was on that day.
The clerk called my name andwhen I stood up, so did Chrissy.
She wasn't going to let me dothat alone.
(16:00):
So many times, when I thinkabout these days and how God
called Chrissy to be one of thepeople to do life with me in the
ditches, I think of thefriendship of Jonathan and David
.
I'll talk a little bit moreabout that later.
Chrissy was a warrior.
She is a warrior and she stoodup to only to prove I was not in
this alone and she was going tofight with me.
(16:22):
We sat down in that clergy'soffice that was, if possible,
more dingy than the waiting area.
Here's the first question thisclerk asked me when I handed her
the paperwork Did you call thecops?
That was her question.
These are excerpts from what Iwrote when I got home that night
.
It's a well-meaning question,but to me it served as an
(16:48):
indictment.
I am not sure why she asked thatquestion, but immediately my
need to be protected from myex-husband felt like my fault.
I felt like I was keeping herfrom her lunch that she clearly
had just warmed up in themicrowave.
I felt again like a throwawaykid that had turned into a
throwaway adult.
I felt like her job and I feltlike she didn't care.
When I tell you the emails werenot repeatable, I mean, the
(17:10):
words on those emails would notshow up in most R-rated violent
movies.
The clerk acted like it didn'teven faze her.
I thought about those storiesagain that those courthouse
walls could tell and I knew thatthis clerk could be its voice.
She must think I'm overreacting.
I thought she's hurt a lotworse.
Her questions seemed logical.
(17:31):
A question meant more to gaininformation, probably, rather
than to judge me, but to mestill it felt like judgment.
I was sad.
I was so sad that the man whohad vowed to love and protect me
in front of God, our friendsand family now seemed to hate me
and wanted me to die at hishands or somebody that he hired
to do so.
That deputy clerk asked thatquestion and I stared at her,
(17:55):
unable to speak.
I didn't have any energy tospeak.
I felt the salty tears runningdown my cheek.
There was this lump in mythroat.
I could hear my heartbeats kindof beating now, just like it
did then, and I found myselfcomforted by the consistent
sound of that heartbeat At leastI was alive, but it was a sound
(18:16):
of brokenness.
I fully stepped into myperception of being that
throwaway kid and I couldn'twait to get out of that office,
take some of that medicine andonly for a nighttime and go to
sleep.
I didn't care if it was threeo'clock in the afternoon when I
was asleep was the only time itdidn't hurt to breathe if it was
three o'clock in the afternoonwhen I was asleep was the only
(18:36):
time it didn't hurt to breathe.
But back in the clerk's officeI stared over her shoulder and
out the window and then turnedmy head back to look at Chrissy.
Chrissy is practical and stoicin these situations and that was
never more true than this day.
I tease her that when she getsangry she has this vein that
pops out in her neck.
She was mad that day that veinwas popping out and before I
(18:57):
knew it I joined her in thatanger.
The courthouse staffer had hereyes locked on me waiting for an
answer to her question.
I finally answered no, I didn'tcall the cops.
I literally just got releasedfrom the hospital right across
from the street yesterday.
Could you please just showthese papers to the judge?
It is not uncommon for domesticviolent victims not to report
(19:18):
abuse, and every victim hastheir reasons.
The entirety of my marriage Ikept thinking it would be the
last hit, the last punch or thelast verbal beatdown.
I prayed every night that myGod would fix it.
He didn't, and that wasincreasingly becoming even more
not okay with me.
During those times I hadnowhere to go.
My job was actually tied up inthis marriage and at one point
(19:39):
in my life, john Watson waseverything to me, but he turned
into a monster, and during those12 years of my marriage, I was
constantly fearful for my life.
And now again, on this day, withthis clerk asking me what felt
like the dumbest question ever.
Calling the cops, I felt, wouldmake it worse.
It would have made it worsethen and it probably would have
made it worse during the time.
I wanted to slap that lady forasking that question, but at
(20:04):
that moment it didn't matter.
It wasn't any of her business.
As far as I was concerned, shewas just a paper pusher, not the
judge.
Besides, the cops were thepeople that mattered, and I
clearly didn't matter.
My marriage didn't matter.
Or, on this day, that mean ladystruggled to read those words
on those emails.
She acted like none of itmattered.
(20:25):
We finally got all the paperworkfilled out where I had to write
every traumatic event that everhappened, and that pack of
paper, when I was done, wasabout an inch thick.
That mean lady took thepaperwork behind the temporary
door that led into the judge'schambers.
She told us to come back in afew hours and when we did, the
judge had awarded me arestraining order and a court
date.
I can't lie.
(20:46):
That victory felt like I hadjust won the lottery, even
though it was just a piece ofpaper.
It was a valuable piece ofpaper.
I understood the value of thatpaper but still struggled to
understand my own.
Again, I remembered Stacy'sbirthday verse.
I wanted to make it mine too.
You are more valuable thansparrows.
You are more valuable thansparrows, I thought.
(21:08):
Maybe if I said it more thanonce, I believed it.
But the verse confused me morethan it comforted me.
If I was valuable to God, morevaluable than this little old,
tiny bird, why was I sitting inthat courthouse?
Why had I just spent five daysin the hospital?
Why had all the things thatcaused trauma, that put me in
the hospital, happened?
How does that make me valuable?
(21:29):
Like John the Baptist, I wasbeginning to look for another
Savior.
Suddenly, I just wasn't so sureabout Jesus.
As I've already mentioned, Ireally wanted to know if Jesus
was the one I was to expect orif I had been wrong about him
almost my entire life.
After leaving the courthouse, Iwanted to go shopping.
I wanted to buy two of myfriends, who I will not name
(21:50):
here because I will get a phonecall, but suffice it to say that
they served as both my churchand my community.
They had been amazing to methroughout the entire process.
We headed to their house whereboth of them embraced me with a
hug that spoke more words thaneither of them could and they
are both orators by their ownright.
Those hugs spoke more than theycould ever say to me.
(22:11):
I handed them their gifts andimmediately I knew I was about
to learn a life lesson.
My friend basically told me notto force her to be mean to me,
but gave me back the gifts andtold me they helped me because
they loved me and that I wasvaluable and that I didn't need
to buy their love or concern.
I still, to this day, strugglewith the need to quote, repay
(22:32):
people for being human andhelping me, but I will never
forget that lesson that day onmy value and how it was handed
to me in a kind and loving wayby people who legitimately
didn't want or need anythingfrom me.
They just cared about me.
I was learning quickly how manypeople actually cared and
wanted nothing from me in returnfor their concern.
(22:54):
Chrissy and I headed home and onthe way home I got a call.
I got a call from my principalwho told me that every single
teacher donated sick time sothat could continue outpatient
therapy for 30 days.
I don't even know where most ofthose people are today, but I'm
incredibly grateful for them.
They were my community and mychurch, and so I entered 30 days
(23:15):
of outpatient intensive,outpatient PTSD therapy.
While I was in outpatienttherapy, I was in there with all
kinds of different people,people that had different faith
and people didn't have any faithat all.
Really, the camp that I sat independed on the day, as I was
really struggling withunderstanding what God was up to
(23:35):
and, even more, why John Watsonwanted to hurt me in such
horrible ways.
Just weeks before all of thishappened, my friend gave me a
copy of Ken Geyer's North Faceof God.
It is still a go-to book for meand I have given it away about
25 times over the years.
It is a book of how to do lifewhen God seems silent.
In his book, ken Geyer tells astory about a father begging for
(23:58):
healing for his son.
He did everything he knew to do, prayed as hard as he could and
, like me, kept getting.
Every time his request to Godturned into a knockout punch.
Finally, the man locked himselfin a church in a standoff with
God.
This is the message he receivedas he just begged God to heal
his son.
God said to him in a way thatonly God can speak to us.
(24:21):
If I don't heal your son, if Idon't do this thing you want me
to do, can I still be your God?
It didn't take me long toanswer that question in my
situation.
Yes, yes, you can still be myGod.
Please still be my God.
That declarative statement tooksome working out as the days
(24:43):
passed on, but as hard as Itried, I couldn't sit on that
island in my own prison.
That had become my own crisisof faith.
Ironically, it was October,which is National Domestic
Violence Awareness Month.
That October I got in threeseparate car accidents, nothing
major.
But to say that my brain was onhealing mode and not at all
(25:03):
available to function normallyis a vast understatement.
I found some help in thatoutpatient therapy, but had
continued to see Dr Pettit aswell.
My body began to build atolerance that medicine and
nights began to become a thingagain.
As we move through thesepodcasts, I try to educate you a
little bit on some hallmarks ofPTSD, flashbacks are perhaps
(25:24):
one of the most common.
During a flashback, patientsare unable to differentiate time
and space.
Usually, all five senses areinvolved.
So at night I had flashbacksand I was unable to understand
that I was at Chrissy's house,that I was safe, that I was not
with John or with my mom or theserial killers that were once in
charge of me.
(25:44):
I didn't understand Whateverflashback I was having.
That's where I was.
After a night or two of thishappening, I literally ran into
Chrissy while trying to leave myroom to go to the bathroom to
get some cold water to put on myface.
I would find out later that shehad been outside my door for
hours pacing and praying,because she could hear the
(26:06):
results of my flashbacks fromthe other side of the house.
I often pick on Chris becauseshe is my friend who really
enjoys the Old Testament and sheloves an Old Testament story.
I can't think of a better oneto describe our friendship than
the one of Jonathan and David.
Jonathan, david's junior by awhole lot of years and the son
of the king King Saul, by theway.
(26:28):
Yeah, david was going to be theking, not Jonathan, but
Jonathan bound himself up infriendship with David.
He bound himself up in afriendship to a point where he
gave Jonathan his battle gear,his bow, and that, effectively,
was what Chrissy was doing forme.
She was giving me every battlegear.
She gave me One of the mostprecious being her mama, mama
(26:50):
Bootsy.
She told me she was about toshare one of her most precious
gifts with me Not only her mama,but her whole family, in fact.
And while we waited for thecourt date, I continued to get
closer and closer to Chrissy'smama, who I still, to this day,
call Mama Bootsy, and Iunderstood, when I met her
daughter, why she is so amazing.
(27:12):
And, as it would turn out, whenit was time to go to court,
mama Bootsy was there.
And somewhere along the way, Ibegan believing that God saw me
and that he loves me more thansparrows and had given me my
very own Jonathan, who, by wayof pacing outside my door for
many nights to come, had crawledinto a foxhole with me.
(27:33):
We were going to war and itwould take its toll, but the
fight was worth it because I wasfinally beginning to realize
that I was worth it.
Well, guys, I hope that youenjoyed that throwback episode
if you have not heard this storybefore.
I hope that it met you in theplace that you are.
(27:55):
Whether you yourself are livingwith trauma or you love
somebody who is, there is somuch hope.
I listened to the pain in myvoice even as I retell that
story, which is why I justrepublished the episodes instead
of telling it again.
But all of my life he has beenfaithful.
All of my life he has been so,so good.
(28:17):
We'll be back here in two weekswith your listener questions.
Remember, right there in yourpodcast app, you can send a text
message message.
I will not know who you areunless you tell me and I am the
only one that gets that and sowe will be covering those
listener questions in two weeks.
Until then, you know what I'mgoing to say.
I try not to leave a microphonewithout saying it.
You are seen, you are known, youare heard, you are loved, you
(28:40):
are loved and you are so, sovalued.
With every breath that I amable, oh, I will sing of the
(29:07):
goodness of God.
I love your voice.
You will lead me through thefire and in darkest night you
were close like no other.
I've known you as a father,I've known you as a friend and I
(29:36):
have lived In the goodness ofGod.
Yeah, I've lived in thegoodness of God, yeah, and all
my life you have been faithful.
Oh, and all my life you havebeen so, so good.
(30:12):
Every breath that I am able, oh, I will sing of the goodness of
God.
Yeah, your goodness is runningout.
It's running out to me.
Your goodness is running out.
It's running after me.
Your goodness is running out.
It's running after me.
If my life paid down, I'dsurrender.
(30:33):
Now.
I'd give you everything.
Your goodness is running out.
It's running out to me.
Your goodness is running out.
It's running out to me.
Your goodness is running out.
(31:00):
It's running after me.
When my life fades on, yousurrender.
I will give you everything.
Your goodness, it's running, itkeeps running after me.
And all my life you have beenfaith and all my life you have
(31:31):
been so, so good.
With every breath that I am in,oh, I'm gonna sing Of the
goodness of God.
I'm gonna sing.
(31:52):
I'm gonna sing, oh, god Cause,all my life you have been
faithful and all my life youhave been so, so good.
(32:15):
With every breath that I havemade, oh, I'm going to sing of
the goodness of God.
Oh, I'm gonna sing of thegoodness of God.
(32:41):
Oh, I'm gonna sing for all mydays.
I love you, lord.
Oh, your mercy never fails me.
All my days I've been held inyour hands From the moment that
I wake up until I lay my head.
(00:24):
Oh, I will sing Of the goodnessof God.
Hey, everybody, and welcomeback to the Wednesdays with
Watson podcast.
If you've reached this episodeor you've dropped on this
episode, I should say this isthe fourth episode that we
dropped, and essentially whatwe're doing is we're re
(00:46):
publishing the original episodes.
I started this podcast in Aprilof 2020.
And it really kind of startedout as a pandemic project, and
that this, these, particularlythese first four episodes really
landed in the hearts and mindsof people that needed to hear it
.
I started this podcast becauseI wanted to understand trauma
myself better and I wanted tohelp you understand it better,
(01:09):
and so, as I listen back to someof these episodes, it's quite
interesting because I did nothave the benefit that I have now
of having received everythingbut my dissertation in trauma
and community care, and so, as Ilisten back to these episodes,
I'm grateful for the wisdom thatI should not have had in these
episodes.
But if you've not listened tothe previous three, we will drop
(01:31):
those in the show notes.
But this is my story, myjourney with post-traumatic
stress disorder and how I gotfrom hospitals and courtrooms
which is the episode that you'llhear today to working in a
hospital with doctors, withnurses, as a therapist and a
discharge planner, and the veryhealthcare system that helped me
so many years ago, and so Ihope that you guys will enjoy
(01:54):
this episode.
Two weeks we'll be here withlistener questions, and so I've
gotten a couple people who havesent.
If you look in your app rightnow, it says send a text message
.
I've gotten a couple people whohave sent questions that way
and I want to honor them, and soin two weeks we will have a
listener question episode.
I don't know who you are.
(02:15):
It just gives me the last twodigits of your phone number when
you send a text through thepodcast, and so if you have
questions about trauma, you havequestions about PTSD that you
would like somebody to help youwith.
Please drop those in that textmessage.
Or I'm on all social media.
Author Amy Watson on Instagram,you can shoot me a direct
message.
I am on Facebook and, yeah,those are kind of the two and or
(02:40):
you can email me atamywatson90atmecom, and that
again will be in the show notes,but the easiest way to do it is
just hit that thing that sayssend me a text message, ask your
question there and in two weeksI will cover it on this very
podcast.
And so enjoy this episode.
As I think back of the goodnessof God and I can not say with
(03:04):
enough confidence, with enoughswagger, with enough belief,
that all of my life he has beenfaithful, and some of what you
will hear today and some of whatyou've heard over the last
couple episodes, you might askme how can you say that?
Because it's true.
So all of my life he has beenfaithful, all of my life he has
(03:25):
been so, so good.
Let's drop into this lastthrowback episode hospitals and
courtrooms.
It is not uncommon for domesticviolent victims not to report
abuse, and every victim hastheir reasons.
The entirety of my marriage, Ikept thinking it would be the
last hit, the last punch or thelast verbal beatdown.
(03:45):
I prayed every night that myGod would fix it.
He didn't, and that wasincreasingly becoming even more
not okay with me.
Hey, everybody, and welcome backto Wednesdays with Watson.
Hey everybody, and welcome backto Wednesdays with Watson.
(04:07):
By now you know my name is AmyWatson and I am your host and I
am so excited that you havedecided to join us again for
episode four of season one ofWednesdays with Watson, which we
are calling PTSD Jesus and Meand, as every week, I make sure
that I just remind you guys,because there really isn't a way
to tell this story withouttelling you about the star of my
(04:27):
story, who is just the centraltheme, and those three C's.
So I am so grateful to be ableto do that.
One of the really cool thingsthat has happened over the last
(04:50):
six weeks and over the lastthree podcast episodes is people
are reaching out to me withquestions about post-traumatic
stress disorder, whether that'sfor themselves or for somebody
who they love, and at the end ofthis podcast you will find out
all the ways you can do that,including ways to share the
podcast and make sure that theword gets out, as well as
(05:12):
subscribing and social media andall of that kind of stuff.
So when we last left you acouple weeks ago, I left you as
I was leaving the hospital whereI had spent five days in the
psych ward and had beendiagnosed with complex
post-traumatic stress disorder.
I mentioned the courthouse atthe end of that podcast for a
(05:33):
reason, and most of you areprobably wondering why.
Because, as it would turn out,because of those emails that I
talked about, I was going to gofrom the hospital to the
courthouse in fewer than 12hours.
Chrissy had told me about theemails from my ex-husband as we
were driving over the bridge,this bridge in Clearwater,
(05:53):
florida, that spans thebeautiful waters of the Gulf of
Mexico.
It was right at sunset, whichis my favorite time of day, but
she told me how she hadaccidentally found the emails on
my computer while logging on toit to do some computer
maintenance or checking to makesure that there was something
that I hadn't missed while I wasin the hospital.
The emails were horrible.
His words are ones that I willnever repeat, especially on a
(06:17):
podcast filled with reasons tohope and also not knowing who
may listen to it.
Chrissy had enlisted my friendCheryl, my friend Chris and my
best friend from the children'shome, michelle.
She knew that she was in wayover her head, and none of them
none of them knew what to doabout any of it.
All of them kept it silent.
None of them told the doctorswhile I was in the hospital.
(06:37):
One thing was for sure, though.
We were headed back over thatbridge the next day and went to
visit that courthouse that mymind's eye had captured when I
walked out of the hospital thatnight, brought the
pharmaceutical kind of sleep asI mentioned.
They sent me home with ahandful of prescriptions, one of
them acting like a tranquilizerthat put me into some sort of
(06:57):
unconscious state that Ioftentimes struggled to even
wake up the next morning.
I didn't overtake any of thosemedications.
They had given me significantlyhigh enough doses, and so I
didn't need to.
It accomplished themind-numbing body resting kind
of result that clearly I needed.
I would learn later that theyhad given me so much medication
because my body just needed tocalm down.
(07:18):
It had not done that.
After all those years of trauma, they needed my actual physical
body to rest, and so they threwevery single medication that
they could at me.
I do think that, as I've oftenmentioned to you, that I'm going
to take the opportunity to beboth a storyteller and a teacher
with you, and I'd like to takethis opportunity to talk about
(07:40):
medication and mental illness.
I don't believe that the stigmathat used to be tied to
medication is still there, butunfortunately particularly in
the church, sometimes frompulpits and counseling offices
and stuff like that.
Some people are stilladvocating that we not take
(08:01):
medications, that that makes ourfaith weak or that makes us not
trust God or any number ofthings, any number of false
facts for lack of a better wayto explain that to you thrown at
people when it comes to takingmedication.
But there is an absolute andmine was one of those times an
appropriate time for medication,and you should never feel badly
(08:22):
for taking medication, justlike you wouldn't if you had
diabetes and you needed insulin.
Even Jesus used medication whenhe healed people, and even
Spurgeon, one of the great mindsof the modern Christianity
generation, had this to say ashe himself struggled with
(08:42):
depression.
Spurgeon wrote the mind candescend far lower than the body,
for in it there's a bottomlesspit.
The flesh can bear only acertain number of runes and then
no more, but the soul can bleedin 10,000 ways and die over and
over again each hour.
So even Spurgeon, who we allwould respect as somebody who
(09:03):
theologically is about as soundas it gets, understood that
depression, anxiety and probablyPTSD existed in his time and
that the mind could do moredamage than the body ever could,
and that there just is no limitreally to the damage and to the
pain that we can suffer in ourminds.
Medications are provided byscience, which is provided by
(09:26):
God.
As everything is Like I said,we don't have a problem with
people taking insulin fordiabetes.
Ptsd often transfers to bothphysical and mental issues and
oftentimes need to be medicated.
Most Christians believe in atwo-pronged approach to these
things.
However, as I have mentionedover and over also the
(09:46):
importance of counseling, andthen even counseling with a
biblical worldview, plusmedications.
I understand that not everyonewho listens, though, to this
podcast believes in the Bible asan absolute authority, but the
important thing to remember,regardless, is that you are not
weak if you need to takemedications.
Regardless is that you are notweak if you need to take
medications.
As I mentioned, we even seeJesus use medication.
(10:07):
In Luke 10, 34, when he wasbeginning to heal somebody.
He said he went up to him theman who needed to be healed and
bandaged his wounds pouring oiland wine.
Then he took the man on thedonkey with him and took him to
an inn, and then he took care ofhim, and so I think even we see
in the Bible the appropriateresponse to situations like mine
and some of yours too.
(10:28):
Courthouses boy, we drove up tothat courthouse.
Courthouses they bring somepretty bad memories for me.
One of my strongest memories ofa courthouse is the spring day
when I was just 14 years old andI literally remember, like I
can remember, what I watched onTV 30 minutes ago.
I remember watching the judgeterminate my mom's parental
rights after she left to marrythe man the last man of seven
(10:53):
who abused me.
So, driving up to thecourthouse that day with the
hospital at my peripheral, I hada horrible feeling that I can
almost feel again, as I'mtelling you my story now.
Stared at that hospital as wewere walking in and I thought
about Stacy and I wondered howshe was doing.
Then I remembered her birthdayverse, matthew 10, 31.
Do not be afraid, for you areworth more than many sparrows.
(11:16):
I remember telling Stacy thatshe was valuable to God.
I was still trying to believethat myself.
The truth is is that one ofthose things that I still have
to be reminded of is that I'mvaluable.
And when I forget, everybodyknows it, because it exhibits
itself even today, and thingslike eating disorder, not eating
, the temptation to isolate Istill do that, the default
(11:39):
classic Watson shutdown which myfriends and family know that.
They know it Basically when I'mnot speaking or texting or
emailing or engaging, I'm not onsocial media all day.
We might be in a classic Watsonshutdown, as I've mentioned
before.
While trauma does not define me,it certainly has left an
indelible mark on me and while Ididn't see it then, but I do
(12:03):
see this trauma and even itsindelible marks on me it's an
opportunity, it's an amazingopportunity for me to lean in to
the star of the story who doesbind up my wounds even today and
, as I've mentioned that passagein Hebrews, he is not
unfamiliar with our sufferings.
But when I got home from thehospital I managed to find one
(12:24):
of my Bibles and I opened it upto Stacy's birthday verse so
that I could read it again andmaybe somehow absorb the truth
of my value to God and that,despite how scary the emails
were from John, I did not haveto be afraid.
The Bible I picked up also hada verse next to it underlined.
I didn't remember what lifeevent prompted me to underline
this verse in my Bible andtruthfully, it could have been
(12:45):
any number of events.
That verse, matthew 11, verse 2.
When John heard in prison whatChrist was doing, he sent his
disciples to ask him Are you theone who was to come, or should
we expect somebody else?
And so, for those of you whodon't know, john the Baptist was
a forerunner for Christ.
It was prophesied that he wouldcome before Christ and he
(13:06):
needed to make the way forChrist.
He was sitting in prison on anisland somewhere and he was
hearing all these things thatJesus was out doing healing
people.
And he's sitting in prison.
And the verse says when heheard in prison what Christ was
doing, he sent the disciplesback to Jesus and said basically
, dude, are you coming or do Ineed to expect somebody else?
That's the Watson version.
(13:28):
That's certainly not the wayit's written in the Bible, boy.
The truth is, I felt John theBaptist at that moment.
The truth is, I was angry atGod.
The emails were the absolutelost straw.
I can't remember a time in mylife when I questioned the
divinity and the sovereignty ofGod more than I did that night.
I was still still stealingwords from John the Baptist
because I wanted to know if Godwas actually going to show up,
(13:50):
if I should keep fighting myself, or if I should expect
something else to come or justgive up altogether.
I always use a boxing ringanalogy Don't know why,
mentioned that before too.
I figured I had stayed in thering.
I got knocked down.
I got up.
I got up every single time, butthe emails were the knockout
(14:12):
punch and I wasn't even surewhat I believed anymore.
The story of how I came to knowJesus is another story for
another day.
It's actually miraculous in itsown right, but not since that
day that I was introduced tothat life-giving hope had I
questioned if the whole Jesusthing was real, and I definitely
was struggling to believeStacey's birthday verse.
(14:32):
I felt like that throwaway kidthat I had always described
myself.
The man who had vowed to loveand protect me.
Both now hated me and wanted tokill me, and so, yes, I
wondered if Jesus was real andprobably said it out loud a few
times too.
If he cared for the Sparrows.
I wanted to figure out whatthey did to get him to give them
one break, just one tiny break.
(14:54):
Chrissy and I arrived at thecourthouse and filled out the
paperwork and then sat in hardchairs in that building that
felt icky.
I knew those walls could tellstories of pain worse than mine,
and so I just decided tocompare my pain with those
untold stories of that oldcourthouse and decided my story
was survivable.
At least you guys remember whenI told you not compared to pain
(15:17):
.
Yeah, don't do it, just trustme on that one.
That didn't work out for mereal well.
That day.
We waited for our turn to pleadmy case.
I was there to file for arestraining order.
The experience was incrediblydifficult, prompted me for the
first time in years to pick upmy laptop to start writing.
I didn't want to forget thatday how horrible it was and how
(15:39):
enraged I was at the process.
That was pretty difficult for avictim of domestic violence.
Some of the words you will hearnext are excerpts from those
writings, giving you and me areal picture of where my heart
and soul was on that day.
The clerk called my name andwhen I stood up, so did Chrissy.
She wasn't going to let me dothat alone.
(16:00):
So many times, when I thinkabout these days and how God
called Chrissy to be one of thepeople to do life with me in the
ditches, I think of thefriendship of Jonathan and David
.
I'll talk a little bit moreabout that later.
Chrissy was a warrior.
She is a warrior and she stoodup to only to prove I was not in
this alone and she was going tofight with me.
(16:22):
We sat down in that clergy'soffice that was, if possible,
more dingy than the waiting area.
Here's the first question thisclerk asked me when I handed her
the paperwork Did you call thecops?
That was her question.
These are excerpts from what Iwrote when I got home that night
.
It's a well-meaning question,but to me it served as an
(16:48):
indictment.
I am not sure why she asked thatquestion, but immediately my
need to be protected from myex-husband felt like my fault.
I felt like I was keeping herfrom her lunch that she clearly
had just warmed up in themicrowave.
I felt again like a throwawaykid that had turned into a
throwaway adult.
I felt like her job and I feltlike she didn't care.
When I tell you the emails werenot repeatable, I mean, the
(17:10):
words on those emails would notshow up in most R-rated violent
movies.
The clerk acted like it didn'teven faze her.
I thought about those storiesagain that those courthouse
walls could tell and I knew thatthis clerk could be its voice.
She must think I'm overreacting.
I thought she's hurt a lotworse.
Her questions seemed logical.
(17:31):
A question meant more to gaininformation, probably, rather
than to judge me, but to mestill it felt like judgment.
I was sad.
I was so sad that the man whohad vowed to love and protect me
in front of God, our friendsand family now seemed to hate me
and wanted me to die at hishands or somebody that he hired
to do so.
That deputy clerk asked thatquestion and I stared at her,
(17:55):
unable to speak.
I didn't have any energy tospeak.
I felt the salty tears runningdown my cheek.
There was this lump in mythroat.
I could hear my heartbeats kindof beating now, just like it
did then, and I found myselfcomforted by the consistent
sound of that heartbeat At leastI was alive, but it was a sound
(18:16):
of brokenness.
I fully stepped into myperception of being that
throwaway kid and I couldn'twait to get out of that office,
take some of that medicine andonly for a nighttime and go to
sleep.
I didn't care if it was threeo'clock in the afternoon when I
was asleep was the only time itdidn't hurt to breathe if it was
three o'clock in the afternoonwhen I was asleep was the only
(18:36):
time it didn't hurt to breathe.
But back in the clerk's officeI stared over her shoulder and
out the window and then turnedmy head back to look at Chrissy.
Chrissy is practical and stoicin these situations and that was
never more true than this day.
I tease her that when she getsangry she has this vein that
pops out in her neck.
She was mad that day that veinwas popping out and before I
(18:57):
knew it I joined her in thatanger.
The courthouse staffer had hereyes locked on me waiting for an
answer to her question.
I finally answered no, I didn'tcall the cops.
I literally just got releasedfrom the hospital right across
from the street yesterday.
Could you please just showthese papers to the judge?
It is not uncommon for domesticviolent victims not to report
(19:18):
abuse, and every victim hastheir reasons.
The entirety of my marriage Ikept thinking it would be the
last hit, the last punch or thelast verbal beatdown.
I prayed every night that myGod would fix it.
He didn't, and that wasincreasingly becoming even more
not okay with me.
During those times I hadnowhere to go.
My job was actually tied up inthis marriage and at one point
(19:39):
in my life, john Watson waseverything to me, but he turned
into a monster, and during those12 years of my marriage, I was
constantly fearful for my life.
And now again, on this day, withthis clerk asking me what felt
like the dumbest question ever.
Calling the cops, I felt, wouldmake it worse.
It would have made it worsethen and it probably would have
made it worse during the time.
I wanted to slap that lady forasking that question, but at
(20:04):
that moment it didn't matter.
It wasn't any of her business.
As far as I was concerned, shewas just a paper pusher, not the
judge.
Besides, the cops were thepeople that mattered, and I
clearly didn't matter.
My marriage didn't matter.
Or, on this day, that mean ladystruggled to read those words
on those emails.
She acted like none of itmattered.
(20:25):
We finally got all the paperworkfilled out where I had to write
every traumatic event that everhappened, and that pack of
paper, when I was done, wasabout an inch thick.
That mean lady took thepaperwork behind the temporary
door that led into the judge'schambers.
She told us to come back in afew hours and when we did, the
judge had awarded me arestraining order and a court
date.
I can't lie.
(20:46):
That victory felt like I hadjust won the lottery, even
though it was just a piece ofpaper.
It was a valuable piece ofpaper.
I understood the value of thatpaper but still struggled to
understand my own.
Again, I remembered Stacy'sbirthday verse.
I wanted to make it mine too.
You are more valuable thansparrows.
You are more valuable thansparrows, I thought.
(21:08):
Maybe if I said it more thanonce, I believed it.
But the verse confused me morethan it comforted me.
If I was valuable to God, morevaluable than this little old,
tiny bird, why was I sitting inthat courthouse?
Why had I just spent five daysin the hospital?
Why had all the things thatcaused trauma, that put me in
the hospital, happened?
How does that make me valuable?
(21:29):
Like John the Baptist, I wasbeginning to look for another
Savior.
Suddenly, I just wasn't so sureabout Jesus.
As I've already mentioned, Ireally wanted to know if Jesus
was the one I was to expect orif I had been wrong about him
almost my entire life.
After leaving the courthouse, Iwanted to go shopping.
I wanted to buy two of myfriends, who I will not name
(21:50):
here because I will get a phonecall, but suffice it to say that
they served as both my churchand my community.
They had been amazing to methroughout the entire process.
We headed to their house whereboth of them embraced me with a
hug that spoke more words thaneither of them could and they
are both orators by their ownright.
Those hugs spoke more than theycould ever say to me.
(22:11):
I handed them their gifts andimmediately I knew I was about
to learn a life lesson.
My friend basically told me notto force her to be mean to me,
but gave me back the gifts andtold me they helped me because
they loved me and that I wasvaluable and that I didn't need
to buy their love or concern.
I still, to this day, strugglewith the need to quote, repay
(22:32):
people for being human andhelping me, but I will never
forget that lesson that day onmy value and how it was handed
to me in a kind and loving wayby people who legitimately
didn't want or need anythingfrom me.
They just cared about me.
I was learning quickly how manypeople actually cared and
wanted nothing from me in returnfor their concern.
(22:54):
Chrissy and I headed home and onthe way home I got a call.
I got a call from my principalwho told me that every single
teacher donated sick time sothat could continue outpatient
therapy for 30 days.
I don't even know where most ofthose people are today, but I'm
incredibly grateful for them.
They were my community and mychurch, and so I entered 30 days
(23:15):
of outpatient intensive,outpatient PTSD therapy.
While I was in outpatienttherapy, I was in there with all
kinds of different people,people that had different faith
and people didn't have any faithat all.
Really, the camp that I sat independed on the day, as I was
really struggling withunderstanding what God was up to
(23:35):
and, even more, why John Watsonwanted to hurt me in such
horrible ways.
Just weeks before all of thishappened, my friend gave me a
copy of Ken Geyer's North Faceof God.
It is still a go-to book for meand I have given it away about
25 times over the years.
It is a book of how to do lifewhen God seems silent.
In his book, ken Geyer tells astory about a father begging for
(23:58):
healing for his son.
He did everything he knew to do, prayed as hard as he could and
, like me, kept getting.
Every time his request to Godturned into a knockout punch.
Finally, the man locked himselfin a church in a standoff with
God.
This is the message he receivedas he just begged God to heal
his son.
God said to him in a way thatonly God can speak to us.
(24:21):
If I don't heal your son, if Idon't do this thing you want me
to do, can I still be your God?
It didn't take me long toanswer that question in my
situation.
Yes, yes, you can still be myGod.
Please still be my God.
That declarative statement tooksome working out as the days
(24:43):
passed on, but as hard as Itried, I couldn't sit on that
island in my own prison.
That had become my own crisisof faith.
Ironically, it was October,which is National Domestic
Violence Awareness Month.
That October I got in threeseparate car accidents, nothing
major.
But to say that my brain was onhealing mode and not at all
(25:03):
available to function normallyis a vast understatement.
I found some help in thatoutpatient therapy, but had
continued to see Dr Pettit aswell.
My body began to build atolerance that medicine and
nights began to become a thingagain.
As we move through thesepodcasts, I try to educate you a
little bit on some hallmarks ofPTSD, flashbacks are perhaps
(25:24):
one of the most common.
During a flashback, patientsare unable to differentiate time
and space.
Usually, all five senses areinvolved.
So at night I had flashbacksand I was unable to understand
that I was at Chrissy's house,that I was safe, that I was not
with John or with my mom or theserial killers that were once in
charge of me.
(25:44):
I didn't understand Whateverflashback I was having.
That's where I was.
After a night or two of thishappening, I literally ran into
Chrissy while trying to leave myroom to go to the bathroom to
get some cold water to put on myface.
I would find out later that shehad been outside my door for
hours pacing and praying,because she could hear the
(26:06):
results of my flashbacks fromthe other side of the house.
I often pick on Chris becauseshe is my friend who really
enjoys the Old Testament and sheloves an Old Testament story.
I can't think of a better oneto describe our friendship than
the one of Jonathan and David.
Jonathan, david's junior by awhole lot of years and the son
of the king King Saul, by theway.
(26:28):
Yeah, david was going to be theking, not Jonathan, but
Jonathan bound himself up infriendship with David.
He bound himself up in afriendship to a point where he
gave Jonathan his battle gear,his bow, and that, effectively,
was what Chrissy was doing forme.
She was giving me every battlegear.
She gave me One of the mostprecious being her mama, mama
(26:50):
Bootsy.
She told me she was about toshare one of her most precious
gifts with me Not only her mama,but her whole family, in fact.
And while we waited for thecourt date, I continued to get
closer and closer to Chrissy'smama, who I still, to this day,
call Mama Bootsy, and Iunderstood, when I met her
daughter, why she is so amazing.
(27:12):
And, as it would turn out, whenit was time to go to court,
mama Bootsy was there.
And somewhere along the way, Ibegan believing that God saw me
and that he loves me more thansparrows and had given me my
very own Jonathan, who, by wayof pacing outside my door for
many nights to come, had crawledinto a foxhole with me.
(27:33):
We were going to war and itwould take its toll, but the
fight was worth it because I wasfinally beginning to realize
that I was worth it.
Well, guys, I hope that youenjoyed that throwback episode
if you have not heard this storybefore.
I hope that it met you in theplace that you are.
(27:55):
Whether you yourself are livingwith trauma or you love
somebody who is, there is somuch hope.
I listened to the pain in myvoice even as I retell that
story, which is why I justrepublished the episodes instead
of telling it again.
But all of my life he has beenfaithful.
All of my life he has been so,so good.
(28:17):
We'll be back here in two weekswith your listener questions.
Remember, right there in yourpodcast app, you can send a text
message message.
I will not know who you areunless you tell me and I am the
only one that gets that and sowe will be covering those
listener questions in two weeks.
Until then, you know what I'mgoing to say.
I try not to leave a microphonewithout saying it.
You are seen, you are known, youare heard, you are loved, you
(28:40):
are loved and you are so, sovalued.
With every breath that I amable, oh, I will sing of the
(29:07):
goodness of God.
I love your voice.
You will lead me through thefire and in darkest night you
were close like no other.
I've known you as a father,I've known you as a friend and I
(29:36):
have lived In the goodness ofGod.
Yeah, I've lived in thegoodness of God, yeah, and all
my life you have been faithful.
Oh, and all my life you havebeen so, so good.
(30:12):
Every breath that I am able, oh, I will sing of the goodness of
God.
Yeah, your goodness is runningout.
It's running out to me.
Your goodness is running out.
It's running after me.
Your goodness is running out.
It's running after me.
If my life paid down, I'dsurrender.
(30:33):
Now.
I'd give you everything.
Your goodness is running out.
It's running out to me.
Your goodness is running out.
It's running out to me.
Your goodness is running out.
(31:00):
It's running after me.
When my life fades on, yousurrender.
I will give you everything.
Your goodness, it's running, itkeeps running after me.
And all my life you have beenfaith and all my life you have
(31:31):
been so, so good.
With every breath that I am in,oh, I'm gonna sing Of the
goodness of God.
I'm gonna sing.
(31:52):
I'm gonna sing, oh, god Cause,all my life you have been
faithful and all my life youhave been so, so good.
(32:15):
With every breath that I havemade, oh, I'm going to sing of
the goodness of God.
Oh, I'm gonna sing of thegoodness of God.
(32:41):
Oh, I'm gonna sing for all mydays.
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