May 11, 2025 • 43 mins
"Do you want to get well?" The question Jesus asked a paralyzed man at the Pool of Bethesda seems almost ridiculous on the surface. Why wouldn't someone paralyzed for 38 years want healing? Yet this profound question cuts straight to the heart of our complicated relationship with wellness.
Sometimes the most difficult part of healing isn't the pain itself—it's surrendering the identity we've built around being broken. For the man at Bethesda, wellness would mean leaving behind the security of being cared for, the familiar routine of his days by the pool, and stepping into an unknown future with new responsibilities. His immediate response wasn't "yes" but a list of excuses about why healing hadn't happened yet.
In this deeply personal episode, Amy Watson vulnerably shares her own journey of paralysis—not physical, but emotional. For decades, trauma, abuse, and neglect had become her identity, her comfortable narrative, her "badge of honor." When asked the same question Jesus posed at Bethesda, "Do you want to get well?", Amy found herself resistant. Wellness would require stepping into the light after years in darkness, confronting painful truths, and most challengingly, living a life worthy of her healing.
The question "Do you want to get well?" isn't just for those with physical ailments or trauma histories. It's for anyone trapped in bitterness, resentment, harmful patterns, or spiritual stagnation. Getting well means getting up and walking forward—taking responsibility for our healing and using it to glorify the God who made us whole.
What area of your life has been paralyzed, not by circumstance, but by choice? What would it look like if you truly allowed Jesus to heal you and picked up your mat? As Amy reminds us, Jesus doesn't write bad stories—He just asks us to put down our pens and trust Him as the author of our healing journey.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hey everybody and welcome back to the Wednesdays
with Watson podcast.
My name is Amy Watson and I amyour host.
Just in case you don't know,that Today's episode is a little
bit different in the sense thatthe audio is not fantastic, but
this is an opportunity that Ihad to speak at my church,
calvary Church in Clearwater,and we are doing a series on the
(00:28):
questions that Jesus asks, andso, while I am knee-deep in
trying to defend thisdissertation proposal, I do not
have the bipolar episode that Ipromised, but that is coming
here in May of 2025 to reallykind of highlight Mental Health
Awareness Month.
But let's drop into thisepisode where I had the
opportunity to speak at mychurch on one of the questions
(00:49):
that Jesus asked, and thequestion that I chose will not
surprise anybody.
When Jesus asked do you evenwant to get well?
Some translations say do youwant to be healed?
My favorite, maybe, is do youwant to be made whole?
So many times we sit by thosepools and we don't have faith
and we don't ask and we don'tseek wellness, because that is
(01:12):
easier in a sense.
But if you're ready to do thehard work and you're ready to
get well, god is here to be thestar of your story and to redeem
all of it.
So let's drop into this episodewhere I had the opportunity to
speak on the questions thatJesus asked.
Do you want to get?
Well?
So, for those of you who don'tknow what I'm doing, as you see
(01:40):
behind me we're doing a 16-weekteaching where each one of the
facilitators are going to teacha week on a question that Jesus
asked, and Cheryl changed thatfrom the past tense to the
present tense because Jesus isstill asking us those questions
All right.
So, with that being said, one ofmy favorite parts about this
(02:04):
weekend or, excuse me, aboutthis semester, is that there is
very little homework and I justfinished up a doctorate degree,
so I'm very happy about thehomework.
But really on your table shouldbe a list of what we're going to
be doing each week, and reallyall we're asking is that you
read the scripture, the passage,and if you don't, that's what
we're going to read for you too.
(02:24):
So I hope that you will come.
I hope that you will inviteyour friends, particularly as we
get closer to Easter, becausethe cool thing about this week
is, if you missed this week, youcan still come next week, and
so on and so on.
So it's not like all of us havebeen in this Bible study.
We've missed 23 weeks of thehomework.
(02:45):
We're like, well, I may as wellnot even do it, and so we would
really love it if you guyscould invite us, because we
believe that when we're talkingabout the stories of Jesus, that
he alone will be glorified, andso when Cheryl mentioned this,
she mentioned she, I think.
I can't remember whether I gota little early intel on this,
(03:07):
but when she mentioned thequestions that we were going to
have.
I believe that I texted her inthe middle of the night planning
this one, and so you'll findout a little bit why, as I
continue to share.
But we know that the questionsof Jesus are not wasted, and
this story that we're going toshare tonight, we could go in so
(03:29):
many different directions andI've wanted to do that.
Trust me, but the Lord isimpressed upon my work to share
with you in part my testimonyand, but more importantly, the
Word of God.
And so I am in.
I'm not sure how I got herefirst.
I am not feeling any pressure,so you guys just kind of work
(03:50):
with me a little bit, but let'sdive into the words.
So quick question.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
How many of you guys have been to?
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Jerusalem and seen where the pools of Bethesda are.
Wow, awesome, yeah.
So my friend Jen was sharingwith me how cool it is, so I
hope to one day get to see that,but it does exist.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
All right.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
So, today, though, we believe that those pools are at
St Anne's Church, and that'swhere they are thought to be now
.
And you can't go there to seeit.
So the word Bethesda meanshouse of mercy or house of grace
, and that is going to be reallyimportant as we walk through
the scripture together.
Let's read the text first.
(04:38):
I am in John, chapter 5.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
We are reading in the Christian Standard Bible Now if
you guys are in a differentversion than the Christian
Standard Bible?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Now if you guys are in a different version than the
Christian Standard Bible,particularly if you're in the
King James Version.
I don't know how many of us arestill doing that, but verse 4
is almost only listed in theKing James Version.
But it does give us some contextto the story, and so I will
highlight verse 4 and read it toyou out of the Christian
(05:05):
standard version.
But I am in John, chapter 5, ifyou guys want to make your way
there, we are going to bereading verses 1 through 18.
And, as I mentioned, I'mreading out of the Christian
standard version.
So after this, starting fromverse 1, after this, a Jewish
festival took place, and Jesuswent up to Jerusalem by the
(05:26):
Sheikah.
In Jerusalem there is a poolcalled Bethesda in Aramid which
has five colonnades.
Within these lay a large numberof disabled, blind, lame,
paralyzed, one man who had beendisabled for 38 years.
When Jesus saw him there herealized he had already been
(05:48):
there for a really long time.
And he said to him and here'sour question do you want to get
well?
The disabled man answered I haveno one to put me in the pool
when the water has stirred up.
But while I am coming, someonegoes down ahead of me.
Get up.
Jesus told him Pick up your matand walk Instantly.
(06:13):
The man got well, picked up hismat and walked Now that day was
the Sabbath, and so the Jewssaid to the man who had been
healed.
This is the Sabbath.
The law prohibits you frompicking up your mat.
He replied the man who madebeen healed.
This is the Sabbath.
The law prohibits you frompicking up your mat.
He replied the man who made youwell told me to pick up my mat
and walk.
They asked him who is this manthat told you to pick up your
(06:35):
mat and walk?
They asked that the man who washealed did not know who he was
because Jesus had slipped awayinto the crowd that was there.
After this, jesus found him inthe temple and said to him See,
you are well, do not sin anymore, so that something worse may
not happen to you.
(06:56):
The man went and reported tothe Jews that it was Jesus who
had made them well.
Therefore, the Jews began topersecute Jesus because he was
doing these things on theSabbath, as Jesus liked to do,
and there's always a lesson inthat part too.
So let's set the scene for justa little bit.
One more question for you howmany of you guys were here for
(07:16):
our study on Jesus and women?
Okay, one of the things thatrocked my world in that study,
when we studied about the womanagainst the wall, is how
Christie was teaching us that onthis way, on this day, jesus
(07:45):
made his way to a feast.
The Bible doesn't tell us whichfeast it is, but we know that
he journeyed from Galilee toBethlehem, which is about 120
miles.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
He made his way up to that feast into the area of
what's called the Sheep Gate,which is significant at the
poles of Bethesda.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
This would have been the same gate that Jesus, the
Lamb of God, walked through atthe end of this ministry, for
you and for me, and for all ofthose people there, and for the
man that he healed, and so somescholars also believe that this
was Jesus' third miracle, withone of his miracles being the
(08:27):
woman at the well in John,chapter 4, where Jesus was
beginning to show us that heintimately knew people.
He also healed the official'sson.
And so there is some thoughtprocess that this was Jesus'
first miracle.
The miracle happened after, asI mentioned, after Jesus met the
woman at the well.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
As.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Cheryl mentioned to us last week there are no
questions that Jesus asked.
That was wasted, and certainlywe know that none of his actions
of Jesus were without purpose.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
And so for his first public miracle.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
As I mentioned, jesus decided to perform it on the
Sabbath.
I want to point that outbecause it's important in this
text and it should and could bemore deeply explored.
We're not going to do thattonight, but that is significant
that Jesus decided to do thison his first public miracle on
(09:20):
the.
Sabbath Okay, so as we'restudying the questions that
Jesus asked, I think it'simportant that we remember that
Jesus was on this planet for 33years.
He was on a mission.
Not a word, not a deed, not anaction was wasted when he asked
questions.
He had a reason.
So the goal is for us to figureout what the mission behind
(09:42):
such a fine question.
I said to the facilitator today, I'm like this question reminds
me a little bit of what wealways ask our kids.
Would you mind speaking?
This question seems special toGod, right.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
How do we apply this question?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
to our lives.
So, verses 1 and 2, we knowthat he came up from Galilee
after having healed the officialson, which is about 120 miles.
In verse 2, we see that he cameto that sheep gate near the
pole of Bethesda.
The other significance to thesheep gate is this is where the
(10:19):
poor, the lame, the sick, thedeaf, the blind, it's where they
all come out and Jesus chose togo through the sheep gate to go
to those people.
The sheep gate is where theyall took off sacrifices, sat in
the seat and Christ had Jesus,who would walk through that same
sheep gate for us and wecelebrate in that in a couple
(10:42):
months.
Verse 3 tells us that therewere a lot of people there.
They were blind, they were lameand paralyzed.
Why were they there?
And this is where that missingverse doesn't give us as much
context, and so I'm not here toargue the validity of that.
I believe in the full canon ofScripture and what's in there is
supposed to be in there.
(11:03):
Some people think that maybeJohn the Great was was in the
margin, or maybe it was implied,but this is verse 4 that's
omitted from some of the text togive us a little bit of context
of what was going on here atthe pool of Bethesda.
So verse 4 of the King JamesVersion says For an angel went
down at a certain season intothe pool and troubled the water
(11:23):
that whosoever.
Then, first after troubling,the water stepped in and was
made whole of whatever diseasehe had.
And so there's a single momentin time when this healing
happened, when the angel cameand stirred the water.
That's significant.
I'm going to talk about that injust a second.
The man had been there for 38years.
It's really interesting becausesome historians and
(11:46):
commentators believe thatthere's a significance to the
amount of time that the man hadlaid their lame, as this was
roughly the amount of time thatthe children of Israel wandered
in the wilderness.
And ironically, as I'm going to,share with you in just a few
minutes almost exactly theamount of time that I've had my
mind over a wheel full of water,paralyzed and unwilling to get
(12:11):
up or to get well.
We see in verse 6 that whenJesus saw the man, he asked the
question do you want to be madewhole?
I love the King James Versionthat you want to be made well?
And the King James Version saysdo you want to be made whole?
I love the King James versionof that.
Do you want to be made well?
And the King James version saysdo you want to be made whole?
Some versions say do you wantto be healed?
(12:34):
The man provides all thereasons why you can't be healed.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
The others got in front of them.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
There was no one to help them get into the water.
People literally beat them downto the water.
One to help him get into thewater?
People literally beat him downto the water.
If you go and watch the clipfrom the Chosen on this passage
of scripture, it's really quitecomical.
They just literally walk rightover him and push him down.
I'm not sure that those thingshappen.
Dallas James would be a littlecreative in those things.
(13:01):
So from the information in verse4, as I read it from some of
these texts, help us understandthat, like I said, there was a
single moment in time when theangel came and stirred the water
, so everybody had to be ready.
You had to be there and you hadto be ready and you had to be
willing to get up and get intothe water.
You see in verse 8 that Jesusdoesn't even acknowledge the
(13:23):
man's excuses.
He says Verse 8, jesus doesn'teven acknowledge the man's
excuses.
He says all the reasons why hecan't send the water.
What should you tell him?
Get up, pick up your mat andwalk.
As the man started to walk andagain this is on the Sabbath the
leaders began to question him.
I think it's really interestingthat the man had no idea who
Jesus was, as we read in theScripture, when they were like
(13:46):
you're not supposed to walk yourmouths out, but that man told
me to pick up my mat, or who'she, I don't know.
He healed me.
He told me to get up and walk,and so I think that's
significant.
He didn't even know he healedhim.
He just said the man who told meto pick up my mat and walk.
He had no idea who Jesus is,but the Bible tells us that
Jesus left very quickly anddodged out, which I find
interesting in the Greek there.
So Jesus did this miracle andthen peaced out, Like he
(14:10):
completely disappeared.
So they ask him who Jesus is,basically for the man to
identify him, and he finallypoints out to Jesus that Jesus
was no longer there.
But Jesus was no longer thereand he notably did not heal
anybody else that was there, Aton of sick people, and Jesus
(14:34):
only chose in that moment toheal that man.
The Bible tells us the man thatNoah and Micah said.
But then this is reallyinteresting later Jesus found
him in the temple and we don'tknow whether it was because it
was a Sabbath he went to thetemple or he really went to the
temple because he hadexperienced healing.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
This is if I'm not mistaken.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
the only time that Jesus heals somebody in the
Bible when he doesn't say go,your faith has made you whole.
He just said pick up your matand walk.
And then Jesus left.
But then later he finds him inthe temple and Jesus said to him
look, you're well, go and sinno more.
(15:18):
Now I am not here again.
This could be a whole notherlesson to talk about whether
this man's illness was connectedto his sin.
That's a whole other lesson, butI do think that Jesus was
saying to him go and be a goodsteward of your healing.
Go, do something with what I'vedone for you.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
And so when he said go and sin, no more, something
worse may happen to you.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
It does help us understand that there are worse
things to be ill from on thisplanet than physical illness.
On to verse 15, we see that theman went and told the people
that it was Jesus who named him.
Well, and then, of course, inverse 16, we see that Jesus is
persecuted because of what hedid on the Sabbath.
(16:06):
And I go back to this idea, or Ididn't know, last week, when
Cheryl mentioned this idea to usabout the questions of Jesus
and how I knew that this was thequestion that I wanted.
I don't know how everybody elseis going to be after me, but I
know that we're all asking theHoly Spirit to give us a word
for you in our interaction withthis text, the interaction with
(16:29):
the truth of the text and, moreimportantly, the interaction
with the star of the story, whois Jesus.
In this book, the North Face ofGod, ken Geyer tells the story
of a man that had been prayingfor years and years and years
for a son to be healed.
When that didn't happen, theman became despondent and
(16:54):
there's a scene in the bookwhere Ken Dyer was saying the
man was in this church and heheard from God if I don't heal
your son, can I still be yourGod?
This book is a huge part of mytestimony.
It's an excellent book, theNorth Face of God by Kim Geyer.
(17:18):
It was given to me in one of thedarkest times of my life, right
up there in that parking lot.
I remember reading that part ofthe page and and I went back
and looked and it's gothighlights and dog ears and pins
and holes and all the things,because that page just slapped
me upside the head Because, see,the question flipped in my mind
(17:41):
.
Question flipped in my mindBecause when that book was given
to me and no one noticed I hadbeen alive.
Just a few weeks later afterthis book was given to me, I was
hospitalized for a suicideattempt.
I remember when I read thatscene and the flip of
(18:02):
perspective that happened in myhead Because, you see, I lived
with a lifetime of trauma,neglect and abuse and I was a
man who could order.
For just a year, after living a12-year abusive marriage, I got
very comfortable in that man whoI was.
(18:24):
It was easier to lay there andlet all this trauma, all this
abuse, all this neglect be mystory.
I'd walk around and I'd tell itlike a badge of honor.
There are people in this roomwhose children I taught during
(18:44):
this time of my life and Iwalked around.
And I walked around then andtaught and told my story like it
was a badge of courage, like abadge of honor, and I will not
share the atrocities with youthat I went through tonight.
That is for me and Jesus.
But I will tell that story likeI was giving you directions to
the bank.
Being unwell was my favoriteplace to be.
(19:09):
It was comfortable and I hadgotten very familiar with being
sick, because being sickrequired absolutely nothing of
me.
The story that God had told mywhole life in my mind was that I
(19:34):
was always going to be lessthan a throwaway kid, an orphan
somebody that's not meant tolive a life that is abundant and
free.
So I was thinking about thatquestion in that King Ira book.
When I read that question, itflipped for me, and this is what
the Lord said to me he said,amy, if I choose to heal, you
(19:56):
from what you've endured, fromthe lifetime of trauma, the
abatement of your mom, theneglect of your mom, the abuse
of several people.
God said to me if I choose toheal those things, can I still
be your?
(20:17):
God Wait what?
But then who will I be?
What will I do and, moreimportantly, what will be
required of me?
So, while preparing, for this.
I thought a lot about how muchof this story I was going to
(20:40):
share with you tonight, becausethese days none of this defines
who I am, but at one point itwas 100% of who I am.
I was.
I only knew one way to live,and that was sick.
People knew me as an overcomer.
If I chose to let God heal me,what would my identity be then?
(21:02):
I didn't know.
I knew that.
I was uncomfortable seekinghealing and I loved just laying
there paralyzed by unhealed pain, unwilling and uninterested in
(21:23):
inviting the unknown into mynarrative.
What's that saying?
The devil is with the morning,love or something like that.
I was very familiar with pain,so it was my happy place, and so
this question God asked me if Iheal you, can I still be your
God?
Was very real in my mind.
As I mentioned, I had becomevery comfortable in that pain.
(21:44):
It was my friend, it wasfamiliar to me and, as I
mentioned, it required nothingof me in the presence of an
almighty God.
I would just walk around, makemy orphan jokes, call myself a
furry kid, and now God wasasking me to pick it up and walk
(22:07):
.
So for any of you that thinks,that this question that Jesus
asked at the pulpit.
That's a crazy question.
I hope it provide some insighton why it's such a powerful
question and why God's questionto me that day was just as
powerful.
As we read this passage we seethat the man had been paralyzed
and waiting by the pool for 38years to be healed.
(22:28):
But we see at one point in thisstory he wasn't interested in
healing, just like me.
He was only interested inexcuses and reasons why he could
not take advantage of the hopethat was on offer to him Because
, remember, we learned in Jesusand women that this man was
going to be taken care of forthe rest of his life.
(22:50):
If you were lame, poor, blindor any of those things, society
had a huge responsibility to youto make sure that you at least
had your most basic needs met.
And so for me, society had acertain responsibility.
In my mind, the church had aresponsibility too.
There's James 1.21,.
(23:11):
I wrote around a lot of timetake care of the Lord and the
people, and I'm both, and sowhile would I?
Have wanted to life anythingdifferent, right.
Why would I have wanted to lifeanything different?
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Why would this man in ?
Speaker 1 (23:26):
this story, want to life anything different.
But do you think him or Ialways had that philosophy?
Or do you think that I, as a 5,7, 9, 11, 13, 15, all the pain
points?
Do you think there was somehope in my life and some hope in
this man's life that one day Iwould get into the pool and then
(23:49):
life does what it does andsuddenly we just lay there and
don't even try anymore.
Because I can promise you, atone point I had all the hopes
and dreams that God would tell adifferent story.
Part of the reason why I stayedin a 12-year abuse affair was
because I thought God was goingto tell a different story.
But as each day flipped by andeverything continued to happen,
(24:11):
from that unbelievable childhoodthat was filled with massive
amounts of abuse and neglect andabandonment, and then that 12
year marriage, I was tired ofwaiting for the angel to come.
I was tired and then, when thathappened, healing opportunities
happened.
I just didn't get up.
(24:33):
What do you think it was likefor the man early in his journey
?
Do you think he, at thebeginning, got up when he had
heard the angels serve the waterand did he try?
Do you think that, like me.
As the years went by, he didn'tmake it in the water.
He just tried less and less,and so, finally, he was going to
live in a condition he neverhoped, never hope for anything.
What is that for you tonight?
(24:58):
What can you stop asking Him todo to heal, and what are your
excuses for not asking forwholeness?
It doesn't have to be aphysical illness, it doesn't
have to even be trauma.
I am asking you if you'rewilling to do the hard work to
remove or heal anything that iskeeping you from living the life
(25:21):
that is called you to live.
Have you stopped asking to bemade whole?
Are you watching Jesus?
Some friends of mine and I hadthis conversation the other day,
are you?
watching Jesus do things forthose around you that you've
asked him for and beendiscouraged by that.
Can you imagine the people thatsaw Jesus healed?
(25:42):
At one hand, the Bible doesn'ttell us what they thought, but I
wonder if they thought I'mnever going to be healed, so I'm
going to stop asking.
I wonder if they, like me, wereangry as I watched other people
around me.
My friends have completelynormal marriages, normal lives,
kids, jobs, all the things.
(26:02):
They weren't just like a singlehuman being that just turned up
their life upside down andshowed up at some random church
in Clearwater, florida.
They all had normal lives andGod had not decided to tell that
story for me.
But do you think that Jesus washeartless because he didn't heal
those other people?
Do you think he was heartlessbecause he didn't choose to tell
(26:25):
a different story in my life oranother?
No, do you think that he isheartless because he chooses to
tell a different story in yourlife?
Do you think that Jesus, he isheartless because he's choosing
to tell a different story inyour life?
Do you think that Jesus iswaiting for you to ask to be
made whole?
(26:45):
And if that happened, whatwould be required of you If God
did the thing, just as he didfor the man.
Would you get up and walkimmediately and would you go
find him and praise him in thecourts?
And when Jesus says, you'rewell now go and send him more,
(27:08):
are you a good steward of thehealing in your story?
What does this stand for?
Well, he went to the temple.
So much of that, just like thisman, for about 36 years I too
have been waiting by a pool ofhope, doing all the things,
(27:28):
waiting for God to change thenarrative, but by the end of the
day, I didn't want healingnecessarily.
I didn't even trust that Godcould do that, I just wanted the
bad things to stop.
I wasn't interested in healingbecause that meant that I was
going to have to go to some darkplaces.
(27:49):
It meant that I was going tohave to unearth unimaginable
pain and it meant that I wouldhave to stop living into the
darkness and step into the light.
Because, you see, one thingabout the light is that it hurts
your eyes if you've alreadysurrendered to the darkness.
(28:10):
So, just like that man thatlaid there for 38 years, I had
to remember to that.
This was always going to be mystory and I had a lot of fear
about how to live that way.
But God, his plan, was ahighlight of healing that was
(28:30):
unawful for me.
Even though I wasn't interested, he was not going to stop
pursuing me.
He did not stop pursuing thisman.
He will not stop pursuing you,but it was easier to run from
(28:53):
the darkness, you that it waseasier to run from the darkness
and somehow, one day, god justgave me a shred of desire, but
not before I finally didsurrender to the darkness.
From where I'm standing rightnow, I could throw a rock to the
(29:16):
office, but I sat in in October2008.
I had been in Clearwater for alittle over a year.
I moved from Jacksonville.
I was teaching in this schooland going to this church and,
aside from that, calvary becamea part of my life because one
Wednesday night I showed up to aBible study and the community
(29:37):
that I found saved my life.
Because one Wednesday night Ishowed up to a Bible study and
the community that I found heresaved my life.
Don't discount being heretonight.
Don't discount the communitythat is so powerful here,
because 17 years later, some ofmy best friends I met on that
first night, 17 years later Ithink about two or three of you
in here who I taught your kidsin high school All of us
(30:02):
Somebody came and introducedthemselves to me and said come
to a museum.
I was standing at a screen andnot at all aware of what I was
going to say.
So, but when we get safe and Iwas safe here among my people,
willie, and Cheryl Rice wouldcome to my apartment every
Friday night and take me to afootball game, just so they
(30:24):
could put their eyeballs on meand make sure I was okay.
I was safe.
I will always be grateful tothis church and to this school
family.
I was loved so well, but it waslife changing to me because I
was loved so well, but it waslife-changing to me because I
was no longer alone.
People were watching me, peoplewere asking me, people were
holding me accountable.
I was suddenly safe, andgetting well was possible for me
(30:50):
, and that was terrifying.
The truth is, I was happyliving with that identity.
I really was.
I was happy with all of it.
A lifetime trauma, though, camefor me in October of 2008.
I had a simple decision to makewas I going to live or was I
going to die?
Was I going to seek wellness?
(31:10):
And as I laid aside my poolwith hope on offer right beside
me, I didn't want it, and thingsbegan to get darker and darker
than they'd ever been before.
One night I taught here.
As I've mentioned, I had to bein front of the chemistry class
at 7.30.
I'm not sure that first classlearned anything, but one night
(31:31):
I could not sleep because thedemons and the flashbacks and
all the things were coming afterme For every hour that I saw
the clock pass, I took a pilland while I was standing here
there was nothing short in amiracle from God Came here the
next day, taught six classes.
(31:56):
I taught six in a row, then abreak, then I taught a class,
pointed me off the strokes, camedown and told Aaron Wall, who
was my boss at the time, what Ihad done, and he said to me can
you teach your last class?
Which I thought was an oddquestion.
I've been teaching all day.
(32:17):
Yeah, I can't teach your lastclass, I told.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
That was an odd question I've been teaching all
day, yeah, I was teaching mylast class this Saturday.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
At the end of this class, I want you to come down
and see me.
I'm either still on the pillsfrom the day before or I don't
care that.
I went down there I had no ideawhat was coming for me.
Maybe I'll lay down to thatoffice of mercy, that office of
grace, not unlike that little.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
Bethesda.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
It was time to call me out and tell me to pick up my
nut and walk, and so, as I mademy way down there, my friend
Cheryl was sitting in the cornerand Eric told me that Cheryl
was going to take me to thehospital.
I would ultimately spend fivedays in a psych ward and, as
some of you know the veryenvironment that I work in today
, one of the darkest days of mylife that I had a decision to
(33:11):
make was I'm going to live.
They were going to keep methere until I told them that, so
I finally did tell them that.
Jesus was asking me that he wasscreaming it from the
mountaintops.
He was screaming it through mycircumstances.
He was screaming it.
My body was telling me, annie,you can't do this anymore.
So I made my way through thathospital visit, majorly on
(33:33):
medication.
Pain point was still notinterested in getting better and
so I just kind of walkedthrough my days kind of mad.
I was still here.
If I'm being honest with you, Iwas doing life very closely with
lots of people, but at thattime I had moved in with my
friend Chrissy and she and I.
She had taken me to the ERprobably once a month for five
(33:55):
or six months.
Something was always wrong.
And I remember her saying to meone day while we gathered do
you even want to get better?
And I remember how mad thatquestion made me, because I
stunk, but there was so muchlace in that question.
Maybe because it stung, butthere was so much laced in that
(34:15):
question.
The fact of the matter is no, Ididn't want to get better
because, just like the name ofthis story, getting better meant
that I would have to live alife that was abundant and free
from the things that paralyzedme for 36 years.
It meant that I had to dosomething with a healing.
It meant that I had to live.
(34:36):
It meant that I had to live.
So now, of course, see, though,I said I do not want to get
better, but the fact of thematter is that the Lord used
that question in my life to goto the proverbial map of Him and
say I don't want to get better.
This is where it changed, buttruly not mine, but yours.
(35:04):
Please, heal me and help me tosteward that well.
Those words hurt my throat asthey came on my mouth that night
, because that rest of mymessage was ugly.
Yet, at the end of it all,jesus is what my heart wanted,
and he called me into thatglorious light.
(35:25):
I had known him most of my life.
I knew his voice.
This man in our story did notknow his voice, but he used
Christi's question to ask me ifI trusted him with my pain.
He used Christi's question toremind me, if I heal you of the
things that make you feel goodinside on this earth, can I
(35:48):
still be your God?
Because her question was not anunfair one, because the fact of
the matter is that I could livethe rest of my life living in
the depths of that pain andsorrow.
That happened right, and Icould give Jesus all of my
excuses.
It's too hard, but I wish Icould describe to you the call
of obedience that I felt in thatmoment.
(36:10):
And so, one night, I slid downa wall near my closet.
And so, one night, I slid downa wall near my closet, and hours
later I found myself out oftears, out of words and barely
able to get off the floor.
(36:32):
Something significant happenedin that obedience and I have
never, ever, been the same.
Obedience for me and for thisman, and sacrifice of sorts
Obedience for you and the choiceto seek wellness will likely
cost you something.
One of my favorite verses inthe whole Bible was 2 Samuel, 24
, 24, where the Bible says Iwill not offer sacrifice.
(36:59):
It costs me nothing.
That night was emotionally andphysically expensive, but
physically it was an experiencethat I wish every one of you
could have.
The God of the universe istelling you to get up, walk into
(37:24):
the light.
This man who didn't know Jesus,we all seemingly know him.
Obey him, sight and see.
He is your good shepherd, he isyour man.
He walked through that sheepgate for you and for me so that
we could heal.
So, as I went to pick up mycross and follow Jesus and let
(37:49):
him do with it what he may, ifJesus healed me, could he still
be my God?
And, moreover, would Jesus sayto me in the temple in a chorus
of praise I have made you well,go do something with it.
Is he calling you to get well?
(38:14):
Moreover, is he calling you toget well?
Moreover, is he calling you todo something with it?
Because, you see, this questionwasn't so crazy.
After all, the man had everyreason to stay in the depths of
his sorrow and I had everyreason to stay in the depths of
mine.
This is not why Jesus died forus.
(38:34):
I have every reason to stay inthe depths of mine.
This is not why Jesus died forus.
And I know, in a room like this,some of you may be saying I
don't know this, jesus.
And when I tell you, there aredouble digit numbers of people
who would love to introduce youto the star of my story, to the
(39:00):
star of the paralytic man'sstory and to the star of your
story, that is not anunderstanding.
You might be saying to me butAmy, you don't know when you're
right, I don't.
But I do know Jesus and I knowthat without him we could do
nothing.
And so is he calling you to bethe star of your story.
(39:24):
Do you see, jesus?
He doesn't write bad stories.
He doesn't write bad stories.
So we need to let him be theauthor.
We need to put the pen down.
(39:44):
We need to choose the narrativethat he writes with the highest
amount of stewardship that hegives you.
When you choose healing, jesuswants to make you whole.
Speaker 2 (40:02):
This story, this question by Jesus is a
remarkable one.
Speaker 1 (40:07):
We don't know if this man was made spiritual whole,
but we do know, as I'vementioned over and over, that he
had a responsibility with thishealing.
And so, before we think this isa, crazy question I would like
to ask yourselves around thetable.
What if God heals me from myphysical illness?
(40:27):
What if God helps me with mybitterness and my resentment?
What if God helps me with mylack of faith and trust in him?
Speaker 2 (40:48):
What would?
Speaker 1 (40:49):
that look like for you, but at this time, where the
mission is critical and time isshort, do you even have time to
lay by those rules anymore?
Because one day we will allstand before an almighty God for
what we've done on this earth.
And so what does it look likefor you to ask God to make you
(41:13):
well of these things, or to justsimply get up and walk?
Conversely, what does it looklike if you continue to lay
there in your illness, yourbitterness, in your resentment?
If you're like me, I'm justtired and this life that I live
(41:38):
gives me all kind of attentionfrom people and all the things.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
What does it look like if you chose to get?
Speaker 1 (41:47):
well.
I am so grateful that I chosethis journey of wellness a long
time ago.
I'm not healed.
I'm still in counseling everytwo weeks, but every day I stand
beside the bedside of other AmyWatson's insight units all over
(42:07):
the Tampa Bay area and I canlook at them and say I just need
you to have one little desireto get well.
I wouldn't trade that for anyamount of abuse, abandonment,
neglect, disease, nothing.
(42:29):
It doesn't make me a goodperson.
It just means that Jesus hasbeen the star of my story and
can be the star of yours too,just like he was the star of
this man.
So these days while so much ofmy story drives what I do, this
is the first time I've shared itin a couple years.
My healing is a mandate forwhat I do, because if Jesus
(42:57):
meets me wherever he meets meand says, what have you done
with it, I want to be able tosay that I have been a good
student of that.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
And so, as I close, I say that to you guys too.
Speaker 1 (43:17):
I pray that you will choose to be a reason, that you
will go to the poor birds, prayand tell them, when you heal me
from this pain, when you heal mefrom this bitterness, this
resentment, this lack of trustin you, fill in the blank.
Or when you heal me of thesethings, you can still be my God,
trusted you and filled in theblank.
Or when you heal me of thesethings, you can still be my God.
(43:38):
Other people cease being my God.
At that point, I pray that youguys would ask the Lord to help
you make a story of healing.
Go shout it from themountaintops to the people who
do not know what true healing islike in walking with Jesus and
(43:59):
that he stands ready to walkwith us through the darkest days
of our lives.
Speaker 2 (44:03):
He will not leave you .
He will not leave you, and soif you sit around your table,
tonight.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
I encourage you to think about what is paralyzing
you.
What would happen if you simplygot up?
What would you do?
Okay, let's go.
Hey guys, I hope that youenjoyed that episode.
(44:32):
On the question that Jesusasked do you want to get well?
And so I close this episode byasking you the same question Do
you want to do the hard work?
Do you want to get well?
There are people, and I am oneof them, that stand ready to
help you.
All you have to do is, rightthere in your podcast app, send
me a text message I am the onlyone that gets that.
I'll be happy to help you,either with resources that I can
(44:54):
provide for you or help youmyself.
And so, if you are seekingwellness, you are not on the
road alone.
So please don't walk that roadalone, because you know what I'm
going to say.
I end every episode.
I don't get behind a microphonewithout saying you are seen,
you are known, you are heard,you are loved and you are so, so
valued.
Speaker 3 (45:38):
We'll see you back here in two weeks, over and over
Jesus.
So let my life glorify you andteach me to walk beside you.
And I want to be more like you.
So let my life be one more byyou.
And when my hope is fading andwhen worries do assail me, I
(46:05):
will remember how you you neverfailed me.
You have pulled me out from thedepths.
You have saved me out from thedepths.
You have saved me from certaindeath.
You have shown yourselffaithful to me, over and over
Jesus.
So let my life glorify you andteach me to walk beside you.
(46:27):
I want to be more like you, solet my life be one marked by you
(46:50):
, marked by you, marked by you.
Hey everybody and welcome back to the Wednesdays
with Watson podcast.
My name is Amy Watson and I amyour host.
Just in case you don't know,that Today's episode is a little
bit different in the sense thatthe audio is not fantastic, but
this is an opportunity that Ihad to speak at my church,
calvary Church in Clearwater,and we are doing a series on the
(00:28):
questions that Jesus asks, andso, while I am knee-deep in
trying to defend thisdissertation proposal, I do not
have the bipolar episode that Ipromised, but that is coming
here in May of 2025 to reallykind of highlight Mental Health
Awareness Month.
But let's drop into thisepisode where I had the
opportunity to speak at mychurch on one of the questions
(00:49):
that Jesus asked, and thequestion that I chose will not
surprise anybody.
When Jesus asked do you evenwant to get well?
Some translations say do youwant to be healed?
My favorite, maybe, is do youwant to be made whole?
So many times we sit by thosepools and we don't have faith
and we don't ask and we don'tseek wellness, because that is
(01:12):
easier in a sense.
But if you're ready to do thehard work and you're ready to
get well, god is here to be thestar of your story and to redeem
all of it.
So let's drop into this episodewhere I had the opportunity to
speak on the questions thatJesus asked.
Do you want to get?
Well?
So, for those of you who don'tknow what I'm doing, as you see
(01:40):
behind me we're doing a 16-weekteaching where each one of the
facilitators are going to teacha week on a question that Jesus
asked, and Cheryl changed thatfrom the past tense to the
present tense because Jesus isstill asking us those questions
All right.
So, with that being said, one ofmy favorite parts about this
(02:04):
weekend or, excuse me, aboutthis semester, is that there is
very little homework and I justfinished up a doctorate degree,
so I'm very happy about thehomework.
But really on your table shouldbe a list of what we're going to
be doing each week, and reallyall we're asking is that you
read the scripture, the passage,and if you don't, that's what
we're going to read for you too.
(02:24):
So I hope that you will come.
I hope that you will inviteyour friends, particularly as we
get closer to Easter, becausethe cool thing about this week
is, if you missed this week, youcan still come next week, and
so on and so on.
So it's not like all of us havebeen in this Bible study.
We've missed 23 weeks of thehomework.
(02:45):
We're like, well, I may as wellnot even do it, and so we would
really love it if you guyscould invite us, because we
believe that when we're talkingabout the stories of Jesus, that
he alone will be glorified, andso when Cheryl mentioned this,
she mentioned she, I think.
I can't remember whether I gota little early intel on this,
(03:07):
but when she mentioned thequestions that we were going to
have.
I believe that I texted her inthe middle of the night planning
this one, and so you'll findout a little bit why, as I
continue to share.
But we know that the questionsof Jesus are not wasted, and
this story that we're going toshare tonight, we could go in so
(03:29):
many different directions andI've wanted to do that.
Trust me, but the Lord isimpressed upon my work to share
with you in part my testimonyand, but more importantly, the
Word of God.
And so I am in.
I'm not sure how I got herefirst.
I am not feeling any pressure,so you guys just kind of work
(03:50):
with me a little bit, but let'sdive into the words.
So quick question.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
How many of you guys have been to?
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Jerusalem and seen where the pools of Bethesda are.
Wow, awesome, yeah.
So my friend Jen was sharingwith me how cool it is, so I
hope to one day get to see that,but it does exist.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
All right.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
So, today, though, we believe that those pools are at
St Anne's Church, and that'swhere they are thought to be now
.
And you can't go there to seeit.
So the word Bethesda meanshouse of mercy or house of grace
, and that is going to be reallyimportant as we walk through
the scripture together.
Let's read the text first.
(04:38):
I am in John, chapter 5.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
We are reading in the Christian Standard Bible Now if
you guys are in a differentversion than the Christian
Standard Bible?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Now if you guys are in a different version than the
Christian Standard Bible,particularly if you're in the
King James Version.
I don't know how many of us arestill doing that, but verse 4
is almost only listed in theKing James Version.
But it does give us some contextto the story, and so I will
highlight verse 4 and read it toyou out of the Christian
(05:05):
standard version.
But I am in John, chapter 5, ifyou guys want to make your way
there, we are going to bereading verses 1 through 18.
And, as I mentioned, I'mreading out of the Christian
standard version.
So after this, starting fromverse 1, after this, a Jewish
festival took place, and Jesuswent up to Jerusalem by the
(05:26):
Sheikah.
In Jerusalem there is a poolcalled Bethesda in Aramid which
has five colonnades.
Within these lay a large numberof disabled, blind, lame,
paralyzed, one man who had beendisabled for 38 years.
When Jesus saw him there herealized he had already been
(05:48):
there for a really long time.
And he said to him and here'sour question do you want to get
well?
The disabled man answered I haveno one to put me in the pool
when the water has stirred up.
But while I am coming, someonegoes down ahead of me.
Get up.
Jesus told him Pick up your matand walk Instantly.
(06:13):
The man got well, picked up hismat and walked Now that day was
the Sabbath, and so the Jewssaid to the man who had been
healed.
This is the Sabbath.
The law prohibits you frompicking up your mat.
He replied the man who madebeen healed.
This is the Sabbath.
The law prohibits you frompicking up your mat.
He replied the man who made youwell told me to pick up my mat
and walk.
They asked him who is this manthat told you to pick up your
(06:35):
mat and walk?
They asked that the man who washealed did not know who he was
because Jesus had slipped awayinto the crowd that was there.
After this, jesus found him inthe temple and said to him See,
you are well, do not sin anymore, so that something worse may
not happen to you.
(06:56):
The man went and reported tothe Jews that it was Jesus who
had made them well.
Therefore, the Jews began topersecute Jesus because he was
doing these things on theSabbath, as Jesus liked to do,
and there's always a lesson inthat part too.
So let's set the scene for justa little bit.
One more question for you howmany of you guys were here for
(07:16):
our study on Jesus and women?
Okay, one of the things thatrocked my world in that study,
when we studied about the womanagainst the wall, is how
Christie was teaching us that onthis way, on this day, jesus
(07:45):
made his way to a feast.
The Bible doesn't tell us whichfeast it is, but we know that
he journeyed from Galilee toBethlehem, which is about 120
miles.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
He made his way up to that feast into the area of
what's called the Sheep Gate,which is significant at the
poles of Bethesda.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
This would have been the same gate that Jesus, the
Lamb of God, walked through atthe end of this ministry, for
you and for me, and for all ofthose people there, and for the
man that he healed, and so somescholars also believe that this
was Jesus' third miracle, withone of his miracles being the
(08:27):
woman at the well in John,chapter 4, where Jesus was
beginning to show us that heintimately knew people.
He also healed the official'sson.
And so there is some thoughtprocess that this was Jesus'
first miracle.
The miracle happened after, asI mentioned, after Jesus met the
woman at the well.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
As.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Cheryl mentioned to us last week there are no
questions that Jesus asked.
That was wasted, and certainlywe know that none of his actions
of Jesus were without purpose.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
And so for his first public miracle.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
As I mentioned, jesus decided to perform it on the
Sabbath.
I want to point that outbecause it's important in this
text and it should and could bemore deeply explored.
We're not going to do thattonight, but that is significant
that Jesus decided to do thison his first public miracle on
(09:20):
the.
Sabbath Okay, so as we'restudying the questions that
Jesus asked, I think it'simportant that we remember that
Jesus was on this planet for 33years.
He was on a mission.
Not a word, not a deed, not anaction was wasted when he asked
questions.
He had a reason.
So the goal is for us to figureout what the mission behind
(09:42):
such a fine question.
I said to the facilitator today, I'm like this question reminds
me a little bit of what wealways ask our kids.
Would you mind speaking?
This question seems special toGod, right.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
How do we apply this question?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
to our lives.
So, verses 1 and 2, we knowthat he came up from Galilee
after having healed the officialson, which is about 120 miles.
In verse 2, we see that he cameto that sheep gate near the
pole of Bethesda.
The other significance to thesheep gate is this is where the
(10:19):
poor, the lame, the sick, thedeaf, the blind, it's where they
all come out and Jesus chose togo through the sheep gate to go
to those people.
The sheep gate is where theyall took off sacrifices, sat in
the seat and Christ had Jesus,who would walk through that same
sheep gate for us and wecelebrate in that in a couple
(10:42):
months.
Verse 3 tells us that therewere a lot of people there.
They were blind, they were lameand paralyzed.
Why were they there?
And this is where that missingverse doesn't give us as much
context, and so I'm not here toargue the validity of that.
I believe in the full canon ofScripture and what's in there is
supposed to be in there.
(11:03):
Some people think that maybeJohn the Great was was in the
margin, or maybe it was implied,but this is verse 4 that's
omitted from some of the text togive us a little bit of context
of what was going on here atthe pool of Bethesda.
So verse 4 of the King JamesVersion says For an angel went
down at a certain season intothe pool and troubled the water
(11:23):
that whosoever.
Then, first after troubling,the water stepped in and was
made whole of whatever diseasehe had.
And so there's a single momentin time when this healing
happened, when the angel cameand stirred the water.
That's significant.
I'm going to talk about that injust a second.
The man had been there for 38years.
It's really interesting becausesome historians and
(11:46):
commentators believe thatthere's a significance to the
amount of time that the man hadlaid their lame, as this was
roughly the amount of time thatthe children of Israel wandered
in the wilderness.
And ironically, as I'm going to,share with you in just a few
minutes almost exactly theamount of time that I've had my
mind over a wheel full of water,paralyzed and unwilling to get
(12:11):
up or to get well.
We see in verse 6 that whenJesus saw the man, he asked the
question do you want to be madewhole?
I love the King James Versionthat you want to be made well?
And the King James Version saysdo you want to be made whole?
I love the King James versionof that.
Do you want to be made well?
And the King James version saysdo you want to be made whole?
Some versions say do you wantto be healed?
(12:34):
The man provides all thereasons why you can't be healed.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
The others got in front of them.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
There was no one to help them get into the water.
People literally beat them downto the water.
One to help him get into thewater?
People literally beat him downto the water.
If you go and watch the clipfrom the Chosen on this passage
of scripture, it's really quitecomical.
They just literally walk rightover him and push him down.
I'm not sure that those thingshappen.
Dallas James would be a littlecreative in those things.
(13:01):
So from the information in verse4, as I read it from some of
these texts, help us understandthat, like I said, there was a
single moment in time when theangel came and stirred the water
, so everybody had to be ready.
You had to be there and you hadto be ready and you had to be
willing to get up and get intothe water.
You see in verse 8 that Jesusdoesn't even acknowledge the
(13:23):
man's excuses.
He says Verse 8, jesus doesn'teven acknowledge the man's
excuses.
He says all the reasons why hecan't send the water.
What should you tell him?
Get up, pick up your mat andwalk.
As the man started to walk andagain this is on the Sabbath the
leaders began to question him.
I think it's really interestingthat the man had no idea who
Jesus was, as we read in theScripture, when they were like
(13:46):
you're not supposed to walk yourmouths out, but that man told
me to pick up my mat, or who'she, I don't know.
He healed me.
He told me to get up and walk,and so I think that's
significant.
He didn't even know he healedhim.
He just said the man who told meto pick up my mat and walk.
He had no idea who Jesus is,but the Bible tells us that
Jesus left very quickly anddodged out, which I find
interesting in the Greek there.
So Jesus did this miracle andthen peaced out, Like he
(14:10):
completely disappeared.
So they ask him who Jesus is,basically for the man to
identify him, and he finallypoints out to Jesus that Jesus
was no longer there.
But Jesus was no longer thereand he notably did not heal
anybody else that was there, Aton of sick people, and Jesus
(14:34):
only chose in that moment toheal that man.
The Bible tells us the man thatNoah and Micah said.
But then this is reallyinteresting later Jesus found
him in the temple and we don'tknow whether it was because it
was a Sabbath he went to thetemple or he really went to the
temple because he hadexperienced healing.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
This is if I'm not mistaken.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
the only time that Jesus heals somebody in the
Bible when he doesn't say go,your faith has made you whole.
He just said pick up your matand walk.
And then Jesus left.
But then later he finds him inthe temple and Jesus said to him
look, you're well, go and sinno more.
(15:18):
Now I am not here again.
This could be a whole notherlesson to talk about whether
this man's illness was connectedto his sin.
That's a whole other lesson, butI do think that Jesus was
saying to him go and be a goodsteward of your healing.
Go, do something with what I'vedone for you.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
And so when he said go and sin, no more, something
worse may happen to you.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
It does help us understand that there are worse
things to be ill from on thisplanet than physical illness.
On to verse 15, we see that theman went and told the people
that it was Jesus who named him.
Well, and then, of course, inverse 16, we see that Jesus is
persecuted because of what hedid on the Sabbath.
(16:06):
And I go back to this idea, or Ididn't know, last week, when
Cheryl mentioned this idea to usabout the questions of Jesus
and how I knew that this was thequestion that I wanted.
I don't know how everybody elseis going to be after me, but I
know that we're all asking theHoly Spirit to give us a word
for you in our interaction withthis text, the interaction with
(16:29):
the truth of the text and, moreimportantly, the interaction
with the star of the story, whois Jesus.
In this book, the North Face ofGod, ken Geyer tells the story
of a man that had been prayingfor years and years and years
for a son to be healed.
When that didn't happen, theman became despondent and
(16:54):
there's a scene in the bookwhere Ken Dyer was saying the
man was in this church and heheard from God if I don't heal
your son, can I still be yourGod?
This book is a huge part of mytestimony.
It's an excellent book, theNorth Face of God by Kim Geyer.
(17:18):
It was given to me in one of thedarkest times of my life, right
up there in that parking lot.
I remember reading that part ofthe page and and I went back
and looked and it's gothighlights and dog ears and pins
and holes and all the things,because that page just slapped
me upside the head Because, see,the question flipped in my mind
(17:41):
.
Question flipped in my mindBecause when that book was given
to me and no one noticed I hadbeen alive.
Just a few weeks later afterthis book was given to me, I was
hospitalized for a suicideattempt.
I remember when I read thatscene and the flip of
(18:02):
perspective that happened in myhead Because, you see, I lived
with a lifetime of trauma,neglect and abuse and I was a
man who could order.
For just a year, after living a12-year abusive marriage, I got
very comfortable in that man whoI was.
(18:24):
It was easier to lay there andlet all this trauma, all this
abuse, all this neglect be mystory.
I'd walk around and I'd tell itlike a badge of honor.
There are people in this roomwhose children I taught during
(18:44):
this time of my life and Iwalked around.
And I walked around then andtaught and told my story like it
was a badge of courage, like abadge of honor, and I will not
share the atrocities with youthat I went through tonight.
That is for me and Jesus.
But I will tell that story likeI was giving you directions to
the bank.
Being unwell was my favoriteplace to be.
(19:09):
It was comfortable and I hadgotten very familiar with being
sick, because being sickrequired absolutely nothing of
me.
The story that God had told mywhole life in my mind was that I
(19:34):
was always going to be lessthan a throwaway kid, an orphan
somebody that's not meant tolive a life that is abundant and
free.
So I was thinking about thatquestion in that King Ira book.
When I read that question, itflipped for me, and this is what
the Lord said to me he said,amy, if I choose to heal, you
(19:56):
from what you've endured, fromthe lifetime of trauma, the
abatement of your mom, theneglect of your mom, the abuse
of several people.
God said to me if I choose toheal those things, can I still
be your?
(20:17):
God Wait what?
But then who will I be?
What will I do and, moreimportantly, what will be
required of me?
So, while preparing, for this.
I thought a lot about how muchof this story I was going to
(20:40):
share with you tonight, becausethese days none of this defines
who I am, but at one point itwas 100% of who I am.
I was.
I only knew one way to live,and that was sick.
People knew me as an overcomer.
If I chose to let God heal me,what would my identity be then?
(21:02):
I didn't know.
I knew that.
I was uncomfortable seekinghealing and I loved just laying
there paralyzed by unhealed pain, unwilling and uninterested in
(21:23):
inviting the unknown into mynarrative.
What's that saying?
The devil is with the morning,love or something like that.
I was very familiar with pain,so it was my happy place, and so
this question God asked me if Iheal you, can I still be your
God?
Was very real in my mind.
As I mentioned, I had becomevery comfortable in that pain.
(21:44):
It was my friend, it wasfamiliar to me and, as I
mentioned, it required nothingof me in the presence of an
almighty God.
I would just walk around, makemy orphan jokes, call myself a
furry kid, and now God wasasking me to pick it up and walk
(22:07):
.
So for any of you that thinks,that this question that Jesus
asked at the pulpit.
That's a crazy question.
I hope it provide some insighton why it's such a powerful
question and why God's questionto me that day was just as
powerful.
As we read this passage we seethat the man had been paralyzed
and waiting by the pool for 38years to be healed.
(22:28):
But we see at one point in thisstory he wasn't interested in
healing, just like me.
He was only interested inexcuses and reasons why he could
not take advantage of the hopethat was on offer to him Because
, remember, we learned in Jesusand women that this man was
going to be taken care of forthe rest of his life.
(22:50):
If you were lame, poor, blindor any of those things, society
had a huge responsibility to youto make sure that you at least
had your most basic needs met.
And so for me, society had acertain responsibility.
In my mind, the church had aresponsibility too.
There's James 1.21,.
(23:11):
I wrote around a lot of timetake care of the Lord and the
people, and I'm both, and sowhile would I?
Have wanted to life anythingdifferent, right.
Why would I have wanted to lifeanything different?
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Why would this man in ?
Speaker 1 (23:26):
this story, want to life anything different.
But do you think him or Ialways had that philosophy?
Or do you think that I, as a 5,7, 9, 11, 13, 15, all the pain
points?
Do you think there was somehope in my life and some hope in
this man's life that one day Iwould get into the pool and then
(23:49):
life does what it does andsuddenly we just lay there and
don't even try anymore.
Because I can promise you, atone point I had all the hopes
and dreams that God would tell adifferent story.
Part of the reason why I stayedin a 12-year abuse affair was
because I thought God was goingto tell a different story.
But as each day flipped by andeverything continued to happen,
(24:11):
from that unbelievable childhoodthat was filled with massive
amounts of abuse and neglect andabandonment, and then that 12
year marriage, I was tired ofwaiting for the angel to come.
I was tired and then, when thathappened, healing opportunities
happened.
I just didn't get up.
(24:33):
What do you think it was likefor the man early in his journey
?
Do you think he, at thebeginning, got up when he had
heard the angels serve the waterand did he try?
Do you think that, like me.
As the years went by, he didn'tmake it in the water.
He just tried less and less,and so, finally, he was going to
live in a condition he neverhoped, never hope for anything.
What is that for you tonight?
(24:58):
What can you stop asking Him todo to heal, and what are your
excuses for not asking forwholeness?
It doesn't have to be aphysical illness, it doesn't
have to even be trauma.
I am asking you if you'rewilling to do the hard work to
remove or heal anything that iskeeping you from living the life
(25:21):
that is called you to live.
Have you stopped asking to bemade whole?
Are you watching Jesus?
Some friends of mine and I hadthis conversation the other day,
are you?
watching Jesus do things forthose around you that you've
asked him for and beendiscouraged by that.
Can you imagine the people thatsaw Jesus healed?
(25:42):
At one hand, the Bible doesn'ttell us what they thought, but I
wonder if they thought I'mnever going to be healed, so I'm
going to stop asking.
I wonder if they, like me, wereangry as I watched other people
around me.
My friends have completelynormal marriages, normal lives,
kids, jobs, all the things.
(26:02):
They weren't just like a singlehuman being that just turned up
their life upside down andshowed up at some random church
in Clearwater, florida.
They all had normal lives andGod had not decided to tell that
story for me.
But do you think that Jesus washeartless because he didn't heal
those other people?
Do you think he was heartlessbecause he didn't choose to tell
(26:25):
a different story in my life oranother?
No, do you think that he isheartless because he chooses to
tell a different story in yourlife?
Do you think that Jesus, he isheartless because he's choosing
to tell a different story inyour life?
Do you think that Jesus iswaiting for you to ask to be
made whole?
(26:45):
And if that happened, whatwould be required of you If God
did the thing, just as he didfor the man.
Would you get up and walkimmediately and would you go
find him and praise him in thecourts?
And when Jesus says, you'rewell now go and send him more,
(27:08):
are you a good steward of thehealing in your story?
What does this stand for?
Well, he went to the temple.
So much of that, just like thisman, for about 36 years I too
have been waiting by a pool ofhope, doing all the things,
(27:28):
waiting for God to change thenarrative, but by the end of the
day, I didn't want healingnecessarily.
I didn't even trust that Godcould do that, I just wanted the
bad things to stop.
I wasn't interested in healingbecause that meant that I was
going to have to go to some darkplaces.
(27:49):
It meant that I was going tohave to unearth unimaginable
pain and it meant that I wouldhave to stop living into the
darkness and step into the light.
Because, you see, one thingabout the light is that it hurts
your eyes if you've alreadysurrendered to the darkness.
(28:10):
So, just like that man thatlaid there for 38 years, I had
to remember to that.
This was always going to be mystory and I had a lot of fear
about how to live that way.
But God, his plan, was ahighlight of healing that was
(28:30):
unawful for me.
Even though I wasn't interested, he was not going to stop
pursuing me.
He did not stop pursuing thisman.
He will not stop pursuing you,but it was easier to run from
(28:53):
the darkness, you that it waseasier to run from the darkness
and somehow, one day, god justgave me a shred of desire, but
not before I finally didsurrender to the darkness.
From where I'm standing rightnow, I could throw a rock to the
(29:16):
office, but I sat in in October2008.
I had been in Clearwater for alittle over a year.
I moved from Jacksonville.
I was teaching in this schooland going to this church and,
aside from that, calvary becamea part of my life because one
Wednesday night I showed up to aBible study and the community
(29:37):
that I found saved my life.
Because one Wednesday night Ishowed up to a Bible study and
the community that I found heresaved my life.
Don't discount being heretonight.
Don't discount the communitythat is so powerful here,
because 17 years later, some ofmy best friends I met on that
first night, 17 years later Ithink about two or three of you
in here who I taught your kidsin high school All of us
(30:02):
Somebody came and introducedthemselves to me and said come
to a museum.
I was standing at a screen andnot at all aware of what I was
going to say.
So, but when we get safe and Iwas safe here among my people,
willie, and Cheryl Rice wouldcome to my apartment every
Friday night and take me to afootball game, just so they
(30:24):
could put their eyeballs on meand make sure I was okay.
I was safe.
I will always be grateful tothis church and to this school
family.
I was loved so well, but it waslife changing to me because I
was loved so well, but it waslife-changing to me because I
was no longer alone.
People were watching me, peoplewere asking me, people were
holding me accountable.
I was suddenly safe, andgetting well was possible for me
(30:50):
, and that was terrifying.
The truth is, I was happyliving with that identity.
I really was.
I was happy with all of it.
A lifetime trauma, though, camefor me in October of 2008.
I had a simple decision to makewas I going to live or was I
going to die?
Was I going to seek wellness?
(31:10):
And as I laid aside my poolwith hope on offer right beside
me, I didn't want it, and thingsbegan to get darker and darker
than they'd ever been before.
One night I taught here.
As I've mentioned, I had to bein front of the chemistry class
at 7.30.
I'm not sure that first classlearned anything, but one night
(31:31):
I could not sleep because thedemons and the flashbacks and
all the things were coming afterme For every hour that I saw
the clock pass, I took a pilland while I was standing here
there was nothing short in amiracle from God Came here the
next day, taught six classes.
(31:56):
I taught six in a row, then abreak, then I taught a class,
pointed me off the strokes, camedown and told Aaron Wall, who
was my boss at the time, what Ihad done, and he said to me can
you teach your last class?
Which I thought was an oddquestion.
I've been teaching all day.
(32:17):
Yeah, I can't teach your lastclass, I told.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
That was an odd question I've been teaching all
day, yeah, I was teaching mylast class this Saturday.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
At the end of this class, I want you to come down
and see me.
I'm either still on the pillsfrom the day before or I don't
care that.
I went down there I had no ideawhat was coming for me.
Maybe I'll lay down to thatoffice of mercy, that office of
grace, not unlike that little.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
Bethesda.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
It was time to call me out and tell me to pick up my
nut and walk, and so, as I mademy way down there, my friend
Cheryl was sitting in the cornerand Eric told me that Cheryl
was going to take me to thehospital.
I would ultimately spend fivedays in a psych ward and, as
some of you know the veryenvironment that I work in today
, one of the darkest days of mylife that I had a decision to
(33:11):
make was I'm going to live.
They were going to keep methere until I told them that, so
I finally did tell them that.
Jesus was asking me that he wasscreaming it from the
mountaintops.
He was screaming it through mycircumstances.
He was screaming it.
My body was telling me, annie,you can't do this anymore.
So I made my way through thathospital visit, majorly on
(33:33):
medication.
Pain point was still notinterested in getting better and
so I just kind of walkedthrough my days kind of mad.
I was still here.
If I'm being honest with you, Iwas doing life very closely with
lots of people, but at thattime I had moved in with my
friend Chrissy and she and I.
She had taken me to the ERprobably once a month for five
(33:55):
or six months.
Something was always wrong.
And I remember her saying to meone day while we gathered do
you even want to get better?
And I remember how mad thatquestion made me, because I
stunk, but there was so muchlace in that question.
Maybe because it stung, butthere was so much laced in that
(34:15):
question.
The fact of the matter is no, Ididn't want to get better
because, just like the name ofthis story, getting better meant
that I would have to live alife that was abundant and free
from the things that paralyzedme for 36 years.
It meant that I had to dosomething with a healing.
It meant that I had to live.
(34:36):
It meant that I had to live.
So now, of course, see, though,I said I do not want to get
better, but the fact of thematter is that the Lord used
that question in my life to goto the proverbial map of Him and
say I don't want to get better.
This is where it changed, buttruly not mine, but yours.
(35:04):
Please, heal me and help me tosteward that well.
Those words hurt my throat asthey came on my mouth that night
, because that rest of mymessage was ugly.
Yet, at the end of it all,jesus is what my heart wanted,
and he called me into thatglorious light.
(35:25):
I had known him most of my life.
I knew his voice.
This man in our story did notknow his voice, but he used
Christi's question to ask me ifI trusted him with my pain.
He used Christi's question toremind me, if I heal you of the
things that make you feel goodinside on this earth, can I
(35:48):
still be your God?
Because her question was not anunfair one, because the fact of
the matter is that I could livethe rest of my life living in
the depths of that pain andsorrow.
That happened right, and Icould give Jesus all of my
excuses.
It's too hard, but I wish Icould describe to you the call
of obedience that I felt in thatmoment.
(36:10):
And so, one night, I slid downa wall near my closet.
And so, one night, I slid downa wall near my closet, and hours
later I found myself out oftears, out of words and barely
able to get off the floor.
(36:32):
Something significant happenedin that obedience and I have
never, ever, been the same.
Obedience for me and for thisman, and sacrifice of sorts
Obedience for you and the choiceto seek wellness will likely
cost you something.
One of my favorite verses inthe whole Bible was 2 Samuel, 24
, 24, where the Bible says Iwill not offer sacrifice.
(36:59):
It costs me nothing.
That night was emotionally andphysically expensive, but
physically it was an experiencethat I wish every one of you
could have.
The God of the universe istelling you to get up, walk into
(37:24):
the light.
This man who didn't know Jesus,we all seemingly know him.
Obey him, sight and see.
He is your good shepherd, he isyour man.
He walked through that sheepgate for you and for me so that
we could heal.
So, as I went to pick up mycross and follow Jesus and let
(37:49):
him do with it what he may, ifJesus healed me, could he still
be my God?
And, moreover, would Jesus sayto me in the temple in a chorus
of praise I have made you well,go do something with it.
Is he calling you to get well?
(38:14):
Moreover, is he calling you toget well?
Moreover, is he calling you todo something with it?
Because, you see, this questionwasn't so crazy.
After all, the man had everyreason to stay in the depths of
his sorrow and I had everyreason to stay in the depths of
mine.
This is not why Jesus died forus.
(38:34):
I have every reason to stay inthe depths of mine.
This is not why Jesus died forus.
And I know, in a room like this,some of you may be saying I
don't know this, jesus.
And when I tell you, there aredouble digit numbers of people
who would love to introduce youto the star of my story, to the
(39:00):
star of the paralytic man'sstory and to the star of your
story, that is not anunderstanding.
You might be saying to me butAmy, you don't know when you're
right, I don't.
But I do know Jesus and I knowthat without him we could do
nothing.
And so is he calling you to bethe star of your story.
(39:24):
Do you see, jesus?
He doesn't write bad stories.
He doesn't write bad stories.
So we need to let him be theauthor.
We need to put the pen down.
(39:44):
We need to choose the narrativethat he writes with the highest
amount of stewardship that hegives you.
When you choose healing, jesuswants to make you whole.
Speaker 2 (40:02):
This story, this question by Jesus is a
remarkable one.
Speaker 1 (40:07):
We don't know if this man was made spiritual whole,
but we do know, as I'vementioned over and over, that he
had a responsibility with thishealing.
And so, before we think this isa, crazy question I would like
to ask yourselves around thetable.
What if God heals me from myphysical illness?
(40:27):
What if God helps me with mybitterness and my resentment?
What if God helps me with mylack of faith and trust in him?
Speaker 2 (40:48):
What would?
Speaker 1 (40:49):
that look like for you, but at this time, where the
mission is critical and time isshort, do you even have time to
lay by those rules anymore?
Because one day we will allstand before an almighty God for
what we've done on this earth.
And so what does it look likefor you to ask God to make you
(41:13):
well of these things, or to justsimply get up and walk?
Conversely, what does it looklike if you continue to lay
there in your illness, yourbitterness, in your resentment?
If you're like me, I'm justtired and this life that I live
(41:38):
gives me all kind of attentionfrom people and all the things.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
What does it look like if you chose to get?
Speaker 1 (41:47):
well.
I am so grateful that I chosethis journey of wellness a long
time ago.
I'm not healed.
I'm still in counseling everytwo weeks, but every day I stand
beside the bedside of other AmyWatson's insight units all over
(42:07):
the Tampa Bay area and I canlook at them and say I just need
you to have one little desireto get well.
I wouldn't trade that for anyamount of abuse, abandonment,
neglect, disease, nothing.
(42:29):
It doesn't make me a goodperson.
It just means that Jesus hasbeen the star of my story and
can be the star of yours too,just like he was the star of
this man.
So these days while so much ofmy story drives what I do, this
is the first time I've shared itin a couple years.
My healing is a mandate forwhat I do, because if Jesus
(42:57):
meets me wherever he meets meand says, what have you done
with it, I want to be able tosay that I have been a good
student of that.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
And so, as I close, I say that to you guys too.
Speaker 1 (43:17):
I pray that you will choose to be a reason, that you
will go to the poor birds, prayand tell them, when you heal me
from this pain, when you heal mefrom this bitterness, this
resentment, this lack of trustin you, fill in the blank.
Or when you heal me of thesethings, you can still be my God,
trusted you and filled in theblank.
Or when you heal me of thesethings, you can still be my God.
(43:38):
Other people cease being my God.
At that point, I pray that youguys would ask the Lord to help
you make a story of healing.
Go shout it from themountaintops to the people who
do not know what true healing islike in walking with Jesus and
(43:59):
that he stands ready to walkwith us through the darkest days
of our lives.
Speaker 2 (44:03):
He will not leave you .
He will not leave you, and soif you sit around your table,
tonight.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
I encourage you to think about what is paralyzing
you.
What would happen if you simplygot up?
What would you do?
Okay, let's go.
Hey guys, I hope that youenjoyed that episode.
(44:32):
On the question that Jesusasked do you want to get well?
And so I close this episode byasking you the same question Do
you want to do the hard work?
Do you want to get well?
There are people, and I am oneof them, that stand ready to
help you.
All you have to do is, rightthere in your podcast app, send
me a text message I am the onlyone that gets that.
I'll be happy to help you,either with resources that I can
(44:54):
provide for you or help youmyself.
And so, if you are seekingwellness, you are not on the
road alone.
So please don't walk that roadalone, because you know what I'm
going to say.
I end every episode.
I don't get behind a microphonewithout saying you are seen,
you are known, you are heard,you are loved and you are so, so
valued.
Speaker 3 (45:38):
We'll see you back here in two weeks, over and over
Jesus.
So let my life glorify you andteach me to walk beside you.
And I want to be more like you.
So let my life be one more byyou.
And when my hope is fading andwhen worries do assail me, I
(46:05):
will remember how you you neverfailed me.
You have pulled me out from thedepths.
You have saved me out from thedepths.
You have saved me from certaindeath.
You have shown yourselffaithful to me, over and over
Jesus.
So let my life glorify you andteach me to walk beside you.
(46:27):
I want to be more like you, solet my life be one marked by you
(46:50):
, marked by you, marked by you.
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