January 29, 2025 • 39 mins
This episode centers on Amy Watson's journey through post-traumatic stress disorder, emphasizing the universal nature of trauma and the hope for healing through community and faith. As Amy recounts her personal experiences and insights, she encourages listeners to understand the challenges of PTSD while highlighting the significance of support systems and trustworthy connections in the recovery process.
• Exploring personal stories of trauma and healing
• Discussing the impact of PTSD on emotional and mental well-being
• Unpacking the importance of church, community, and counseling
• Sharing practical examples of trauma responses
• Drawing connections between biblical stories and personal experiences
• Emphasizing the significance of connection and support during difficult times
We always want to hear from you, so please reach out to us on social media or send us an email with your thoughts and experiences related to this topic.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I choose to sing when I can hardly breathe out a
breath.
I choose to stand when all Iwant to do is give up.
I choose to trust when my wholeworld is falling apart.
I choose you, jesus, because Istill believe Through it all.
(00:31):
I still believe you arewonderful.
You've never given up on me.
You've never given up on me.
You've never given up on me.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Hey everybody and welcome back to the Wednesdays
with Watson podcast.
It is February of 2025.
We are, for the next coupledays or, excuse me, next couple
drops going to visit the earlyepisodes of the podcast.
So many people recommend thispodcast.
For the first four episodes,after we re-release those
(01:19):
episodes, I'm going to sharewith you a talk, if you will, or
a lesson or an opportunity thatI got to teach on the passage
where Jesus asked the paralyticman if he wants to get well.
So I thought that I would giveyou guys some context as we dive
into these next several weeksand so enjoy this very.
Actually, this is the secondpodcast episode that we ever
(01:41):
published and these next severalweeks you'll hear a little bit
about my story and the coolthing is is you're going to hear
about it from an Amy almostfive years ago, and then we're
going to release the episodewhere I had the opportunity to
teach at my church about thequestion that Jesus asked do you
(02:04):
want to get well?
So let's drop into this episode.
It's going to be just as muchof a treat to me as it is to you
.
The audio is horrible.
Amy is not as healed, but thisis the beginning of the
Wednesdays with Watson podcastand what set me on this journey
that I'm on right now, and soenjoy this episode called PTSD
(02:27):
Jesus and Me Lost withDirections.
Hey everybody, you are listeningto Wednesdays with Watson.
I'm your host, amy Watson, andthank you for joining me today.
On today's podcast, I am goingto begin to tell you some of my
(02:48):
story, and we will also delveinto some of the practical
implications of post-traumaticstress disorder, as those of you
who are listening to thepodcast have come either to seek
information for yourself orsomebody that you love, and so,
as we move through this seasonthat we have called PTSD Jesus
and Me, it is my desire to makesure that I help you via
(03:11):
storytelling and also having theopportunity to teach you some
very real issues that many, manypeople don't know about
post-traumatic stress disorder,just by way of a little bit of
housekeeping.
Today's episode will featuresome sensitive information as it
pertains to substance abuse andjust some very real issues that
(03:33):
come along with post-traumaticstress disorder.
So just a little bit of awarning there nothing real scary
for younger listeners, butobviously as a bit of a trigger
warning too.
We will be talking about trauma, and so just kind of be mindful
of that.
So sit back and relax and thankyou for joining and let's let
(03:53):
the healing continue.
Hey, everybody, and welcome backto Wednesdays with Watson.
I am your host, amy Watson, andguys, I am extraordinarily
grateful that you have decidedto invest a little bit of your
time with me today.
(04:13):
To say that I am overwhelmed bythe response of the inaugural
podcast is a bit of anunderstatement.
I am so, so grateful to thoseof you who are coming along
behind this adventure in supportof what we are trying to do.
We have named this season PTSDJesus and Me, and really I named
(04:34):
it that, guys, because I can'ttell you my story without
telling you the star of my story.
Remember my story.
The reason why I'm doing thisis to tell you about my journey
to diagnosis with complexpost-traumatic stress disorder,
and I simply would not be heretoday without that star of my
story.
So of course, I had to put hisname in the title of the podcast
(04:57):
.
He, along with what I havedubbed as the three C's and I
think that's the writer in mewho just loves alliteration the
three C's of my church and mycommunity, as well as
trauma-informed counseling,those things are the only reason
why I'm even alive to share mystory with you today, and so we
will visit those three C's often.
(05:18):
As I tell you my story, I'mgoing to vacillate in and out of
how those people and thosethings were really instrumental.
And what mostly today is goingto be about is my journey to the
diagnosis and then after that,you know my church and my
community, and then, moreimportantly, trauma-informed
(05:39):
counseling is just so vital inthe healing, and healing can
come, and that is the reason I'mdoing this, because I want you
to find hope that healing cancome.
So I won't be able, by anystretch of the imagination, to
share all of my story with youguys, but I will always have a
destination and we may or maynot get there on any given
(06:01):
podcast.
I am a writer who likes toleave things on cliffhangers
sometimes, and just rememberthat if you don't like the
cliffhanger, you can alwaysreach out to me and I'd be happy
to have some virtual coffeewith you and tell you the rest
of the story.
But just know that you may notalways know where I'm headed on
any given podcast, except for mywhole motivation and direction
(06:23):
is to tell you the story of mydiagnosis and treatment of PTSD.
I do not think that I understoodthe responsibility of tackling
a subject like this, though.
The other night, in the middleof the night literally, I woke
up and the gravity of this wholething hit me.
It is an important topic, as weknow.
That being said, as nervous asI am, and the fact that it is
(06:46):
Thursday or the week before thisis to publish and I have
literally been working on it allweek, that tells you how
important I know that this is,but it also fills me with
inexplicable joy.
I love, love, love, lovehelping people, and so this is
really my sweet spot.
You will hear me vacillate somany times between teacher and
(07:06):
storyteller, because I am both.
I love telling stories.
I am an eight on the Enneagramand for those of you who know
that, you know that Enneagrameight typically love them, some
them and so I love talking aboutmy story, not only because it's
a cool story, but because youknow most people may not admit
(07:26):
that they love talking aboutthem, and so so I do love
telling stories, and I certainlylove telling this story, but
I'm also a teacher, and ateacher by trade, or at least
for some part of my career.
I love teaching, and so youwill see me vacillate back and
forth between being astoryteller and then also
sharing with you informationthat I have learned either by
(07:49):
way of personal experience orbecause I researched it, because
, when we're on a subject likethis, it is important to
understand who our sparringpartner is.
I so often think of my battlewith PTSD as a boxing match,
even though I've never boxed aday in my life, nor do I watch
it, but my sparring partner isPTSD, and it is a sparring
(08:13):
partner that can be the knockoutpunch if we let it.
And so, as I begin to speak toyou about my story and some of
the science of PTSD, we willtalk about, throughout the
course of the podcast, cuttingedge therapies that have helped
me along the way, and, as I'vementioned to you, my counselor
will do a session with us, andso, that being said, we will
(08:36):
continue on today with my life'sgoal, which is Philippians 1.12
, where Paul says, I want you tounderstand that the things that
have happened to me have reallyhappened.
Out of the furtherance of thegospel, and as we get into some
of the science of PTSD, I wantto tell you guys a current story
that just recently happened tome, because this story really is
(08:57):
so much of a picture of PTSDand how it exhibits itself and
the way we were created toprotect ourselves from danger.
And so I live in Florida and Iactually can't believe that this
is the first time this happenedto me, because I've lived here
my entire life and I amterrified, like my body, my DNA
(09:18):
I'm a first-generation Floridian, no DNA in me that is accepting
of snakes and alligators andanything in the reptile family,
terrified of all of them, and sothe fact that this is the first
time this happened to me in mylife is actually quite
remarkable.
But the other day I was walkingI had my iPad in my hand and it
was the iPad Pro, so it's a bigiPad, and so I opened the door
(09:39):
to go to my back porch and I andso I opened the door to go to
my my back porch and, as Iopened the interior door to go
out to the screened in porch.
I looked down and I literallysat there and froze.
And because when I looked downI saw a snake Now, it was a
black snake, and I don't needanyone commenting in the show
(10:02):
notes that black snakes are good.
There are no good snakes Icertainly didn't have time to
stand there and decide whetherit was a good snake or not.
And I, at first I froze, andthen I literally flew across the
porch and jumped up on a chairand texted my neighbor and asked
her to come help me, and shedidn't, by the way.
But that is a snapshot of aPTSD brain.
(10:26):
Oftentimes, when we talk aboutPTSD, you'll hear professionals
talk about it in a coupledifferent, really cool ways.
That helps us understand it.
And so there is this, thisphenomenon of fight, flight and
freeze, and I kind of did two ofthose things, or actually did
all.
Well, I didn't fight the snake,but that day when I, when my
(10:47):
body said, my brain said, hey,that's dangerous, I froze first
and then I, I literally ranacross the room and and then,
you know, had there been abattle to fight, like I had a
shovel or something, I couldhave also fought in that.
And so that day when I saw thatsnake is a bit of a picture of
(11:10):
what danger does to us.
It is not wildly understood andwe'll talk about this a little
bit more later but it is notwildly understood why the same
person can have the same traumaand one person be adversely
affected by it and the otherperson not be adversely affected
by it.
What I do want to say iswhether or not somebody be
adversely affected by it and theother person not be adversely
affected by it.
What I do want to say iswhether or not somebody is
adversely affected by any giventrauma if it's the exact same.
(11:32):
Trauma has nothing to do withhow strong they are emotionally
or psychologically or any ofthose things.
We will talk about the scienceof trauma and that it actually
does physical damage to thebrain and just like any other
disease.
We don't understand why somepeople exhibit symptoms and some
people don't, and so it'sreally, really important to
continue to remember that thingthat I keep mentioning about not
(11:54):
comparing our pain and notcomparing our trauma, and that
would be true about notcomparing your level of being
affected by trauma as well.
Sometimes you will hearcounselors and professionals
talk to you about PTSD and avery practical something that we
also see in nature by way of acheetah.
(12:16):
A cheetah is a giant, big catthat we see in the wild.
It is also the fastest animalin the world.
A cheetah can run 65 to 70miles an hour, and a cheetah
runs first and asks questionslater, and so when we are faced
with trauma, our response isoften similar to that cheetah
(12:37):
because we immediately go inflight mode.
We will run like that cheetahand we will run fast and we will
run hard.
The problem, as you're going tosee with part of my story today
, with that kind of speed, isthat it cannot be sustained, and
so oftentimes the exhaustion ofrunning from that trauma, we
get stuck in the fight of ourlives, severely impacted by the
hits and punches that come withPTSD.
(12:59):
And so that is just a littlebit, and you're going to hear me
talk about particularly thecheetah example, as well as the
fight-flight-freeze component ofPTSD today.
But those are just somepractical things to understand
about trauma as you try to dealwith trauma or as you're working
(13:28):
with people in your family thatyou love or friend, for
whatever reason you're here.
Listening to this podcast is toremember that trauma is
universal and trauma is not new.
As we read in Ecclesiastes,chapter 3, there's absolutely
nothing new under the sun.
We can see the earliestrecording of trauma way back in
Genesis, when Cain killed Abel.
We don't know whether Eve foundAbel dead, murdered by the
(13:49):
hands of her son Cain.
Somebody had to tell her and Ithink it's fair to say that that
was probably a pretty traumaticevent for Eve to be
experiencing in her newly brokenworld.
It's safe to assume that Noahdealt with some trauma as he
faced insurmountable loss in hispath to obedience.
Job absolutely did, experiencedtrauma and lost, none of which
(14:11):
was his fault.
David wrote what was probablythe most accurate depiction of
ptsd found anywhere, in myopinion, much less anywhere in
the bible.
In psalm 91, verses 5 and 6 arepretty much a journal of the
day in the life of a ptsdpatient.
I call it ptsd promise becausepsalm 91 and 6, snapshot of the
(14:35):
day, of a bad day of a PTSDpatient.
You will not fear the terror ofthe night, nor the arrow that
flies by day, nor the pestilencethat stalks the darkness, nor
the plague that destroys midday.
That is exactly.
Every minute of every day hasthe potential to be very, very
difficult for somebody sufferingwith PTSD, and so David clearly
(14:57):
had some trauma going on, asdid many of the people that
wrote the Psalms obviously weregoing through some difficult
things.
Finally, jesus, being fully Godand fully man, suffered trauma
more than any of us can everimagine experiencing.
In Hebrews 4, 15 and 16, I'mgoing to read from the message
Love this scripture.
Now we know that we have Jesus,this great high priest, with
(15:20):
ready access to God, the Father.
We don't have a priest who isout of touch with our reality.
He has been through ourweakness and testing.
He has experienced it all.
So let us approach his throneboldly, with confidence and with
humility, because we do notlove a king who does not
understand our trauma.
And so so oftentimes, whenpeople go through trauma, we
(15:44):
convince ourselves that it's notthat bad or that that it's not
important, because somebodyelse's trauma is worse than our
trauma.
But trauma is new is not new,excuse me and trauma needs for
you to pay attention to it,because if you don't, it will
pay attention to you.
The other thing that I thinkcomes so often with PTSD as we
(16:07):
are, you know, convincingourselves that maybe we're too
hard on ourselves, that weshouldn't be experiencing the
trauma like we are.
It's so not understood and isoften covered with cliche
answers from well-meaning people, and that brings shame and
confusion.
So many people have thisphilosophy of you've got a
problem, I have a Bible verse,and while, yes, every problem
(16:30):
there probably is a Bible verse,there are times when we can
bring those things in and weneed to be wise about that, for
lack of a better way to explainthat to you, because trauma is
so not understood and is notgoing to ever be the answer by
giving people cliche answers.
We need to walk alongsidepeople and, as you will hear,
(16:54):
some people did that for me andthat one of those C's that I
keep talking about in mycommunity.
It's important to remember thateverybody has trauma.
If you are listening to thispodcast and you have not
experienced trauma, let me tellyou something that is as sure as
gravity you will, because theBible tells us that we will have
suffering in this world andthat no one gets through this
(17:17):
lifetime without trauma.
And again, we're not comparingtrauma.
Remember, we all have it.
We're not comparing it.
Now here's what I'd like to slipinto teacher mode just for a
second, because trauma andremember trauma, by definition,
is basically something thatthreatens or causes physical
(17:37):
like we're not safe, we don'tfeel safe or we're literally not
safe.
So trauma PTSD can either becaused by you perceive that
you're not safe, even though youmay be safe, or you're
literally not safe and somethinghappens to you.
And when that happens, traumacauses physical damage to the
brain, and we will talk aboutthis at great length with Dr
(17:58):
Pettit when he comes on.
But suffice it to say thatthere are practical
repercussions to untreatedtrauma and for me, that served
as a discouragement to me.
I will often, sometimes beheard referring to my brain as
broken and as I was gettingready for this podcast and
writing my notes, I wrote youare not broken.
(18:21):
And even as I wrote that, I hadto check myself at the door and
see if I actually believed thatI am not broken.
Because even though traumacauses physical damage to the
brain, it doesn't mean we'rebroken.
And even if we are broken again, we do not love a king who is
unfamiliar with that kind ofbrokenness.
It is not new.
(18:42):
We see his faithfulness allthrough the Bible, restoring
brokenness.
And so, as I said in theinaugural podcast, I'm going to
evolve, the podcast is going toevolve.
And so that was a moment for methis week, as I was getting
ready for this and wrote thosewords I am not broken.
I literally just kind ofstepped back and thought to
myself do you really believethat?
And so that was a moment for me.
(19:04):
But there are some.
So, for example I'll give youguys some examples I struggle
with spatial issues.
One of the things that I can'tdo that all of the world is
doing right now, because we'reall stuck in our houses, is I
can't put together a puzzle.
I just can't do it Like.
I can't see it, I can'tenvision it, even the edges I
have a hard time with.
(19:25):
This is embarrassing to me,especially back in the day when
I was at the children's home.
I grew up in a children's homeand we would the kids would sit
down around a table and puttogether a puzzle, and I
couldn't.
I could never understand it andI still, to this day, cannot
put together a puzzle, and thisis because of physical damages
to my brain from trauma.
When I was younger, I struggledwith my right and left, and
(19:47):
teachers often dubbed me withdyslexia and other disorders,
even though I never, ever,struggled as a student.
Some of these misunderstoodconsequences of trauma confused
me and I thought that there wassomething wrong with me or that
I just wasn't as smart as otherpeople.
So things like not being ableto put together a puzzle was
super, super embarrassing to me,and I don't doubt that other
(20:11):
PTSD patients don't understandwhy some of that practical stuff
that they can't do, why theycan't do it, especially when
everybody else seemingly can.
But we will talk about thatmore at length, about how it
causes physical damage to thebrain.
I have called this episode Lostwith Directions, because perhaps
the most frustrating place thatI struggle with this physical
(20:33):
damage to my healing brain, is acomplete lack of a sense of
direction.
It's probably true that I wasnot born with the best keen of
sense of direction, but I knowthat trauma caused this, because
I get lost now far fewer timesthan I did early in my diagnosis
.
But still, if we're out andabout just a heads up to those
(20:56):
of you in my daily life if youtell me to turn north and there
isn't an ocean around, I'm goingto be really confused, unless
it's sunrise or sunset.
You may as well give me aquantum physics problem, because
I really struggle with sense ofdirection problem, because I
really struggle with sense ofdirection.
And so, as I thought about thebeginning of telling you my
(21:17):
story, I understand that theplace that makes the most sense
to tell you my story is thebeginning.
But remember, we're talkingabout 35 years of trauma and the
rumor has it that I'm writing abook, and so I can't tell you
everything.
But I wanted to start at theday where I I will draw a line
forever, at the day where Istarted on the journey and
(21:39):
that's what today is about isthe journey of the diagnosis of
PTSD, because I was living mylife with some of the things
that I just explained to you,like putting together a puzzle
and get lost.
I was living my life under thisincredible self-pressure that I
just needed to get over it.
You know, I would throw Bibleverses at myself, put my hand to
the plow and, looking back, notfit for the kingdom of God, all
(22:02):
of those things and I did notunderstand that PTSD even
existed.
And so perhaps the mostfrustrating place that I
struggle with it back then andeven now, is that I always get
lost.
I can't read a map.
If you hand me a map on a phone, I'm going to hand it back to
you and we're all going to hopethat we get to wherever it is
(22:22):
we're going, but I get lost.
And so, as I was thinking aboutwhere to tell you the story, I
was thinking of a time when Iwas so terrified that I was
gonna get lost, because it was aday that would have invoked
tears for most people, becauseit was a bad day for me.
But regardless of all thatemotional pain, I could not shed
(22:44):
a tear, and I think about thatoften.
Or why I couldn't cry in thosedays and that's also a hallmark
symptom of PTSD is just notbeing able to cry.
And here's why you can't cry,because cheetahs can't run and
cry at the same time, and I wasrunning for my life.
That cheetah life was was onethat that I was living, but none
(23:07):
of it was without consequence.
So the day that I sat at thelight at the intersection of
McMullen, booth and Drew, Inoticed this big giant building
on the corner of thatintersection.
I could tell it was a churchand I wanted nothing to do with
it.
I actually diverted my eyes.
I had no interest in God orchurch.
I didn't want to be responsiblefor knowing that that church
(23:28):
was there, because I knew that Icould find help there.
And at that moment I didn'twant help.
I had been living that cheetahlife and I have still to this
day some pretty strong runninglungs, as I did then.
But running taught me nothing,teaches us nothing about coping
and resting, and so I couldn'tdo either one of those things.
(23:49):
Running in those days served abit of an analgesic to me.
So we sat at that light and Iglanced down at my gear shift
and grabbed the 16-ounce bottleof narcotic pain medicine that I
had secured before leaving StAugustine.
I took a swig of that, what Ilater would dub as liquid gold.
I neither had a cough I didn'thave a cold, but my pain was
(24:10):
inexplicable, and that liquidgold made it all more tolerable.
I was only just a couple blocksfrom my new apartment, so I
wasn't worried about gettingthere.
I let that medicine just kindof coat my throat and really,
like it, literally just hit me,and so some of that emotional
pain just kind of got dulled.
And I glanced down as I wasturning that corner, at the
(24:34):
printed MapQuest directions onthe passenger seat of my car and
I found very, very littlecomfort in those step-by-step
directions, didn't trust them,even though they were right
there, and those of you thatremember the old MapQuest
directions before GPS wasconstantly telling us where to
go.
That's how we found things, butI didn't trust those directions
, even though they were sittingright next to me.
(24:56):
Instead, I focused on theU-Haul that was in front of me,
and that U-Haul representedeverything I owned.
It was a snapshot of 35 yearsof my life.
My brother-in-law was drivingthat U-Haul.
He and my sister had justhelped me move down my marital
home.
That home had been filled withviolence for 12 years, for
reasons that I can't explain.
I really can't.
(25:17):
Somehow, I found the courage tofinally leave that environment,
and, even though I was fairlyconfident that I was meant to
live this life in constant pain,I knew that I needed to get out
of that.
That's the thing, see, whenyou're living this PTSD cheetah
life, one day it catches up withyou, and leaving that marriage
was just one of the examples ofthat.
(25:38):
I wouldn't have survived itmuch longer.
As I followed closely behindthat U-Haul, I got a glimpse,
though, of that big building onthe corner, even though I didn't
want to, and it said CalvaryBaptist Church for Life's
Journey.
About that time, though, themedicine was kicking in.
I seriously don't remember muchabout moving myself into that
750-foot square-foot apartmentthat I would later dub as the
(25:59):
ghetto.
It was a far cry from the housethat I left.
That was just three blocks fromthe Atlantic Ocean.
At some point I must have takensome more swigs from that
bottle, because I don't remembermy sister and brother-in-law
leaving that day, and I sleptfor 14 hours.
I woke up in the apartment thenext day to double-digit text
messages from my friends and myfamily as I tried to get settled
(26:21):
into that apartment.
Over the days and weeks thatwould follow, the monsters of
post-traumatic stress disordermanifested themselves in epic
proportions.
I continued to self-medicatemyself to sleep, basically, and
that is something very anotherhallmark of PTSD is
self-medication, isolation,those kinds of things.
And I was doing all of that.
(26:41):
I didn't know a soul, eventhough I went to college in
Clearwater.
All my friends had moved.
As I unpacked my stuff, Iunpacked four or five Bibles and
at least that many Biblestudies that I had taught over
the years.
Yet I was still just as lost,just like I was that day.
In the car, those directionswere sitting right next to me.
I could trust them, they camefrom a trusted source but I
(27:03):
could not get my direction fromthem.
I was so lost and that day, inmy apartment, I was so lost,
even though I had direction byway of four or five Bibles and,
like I said, at least that manyBible studies that I had taught
I was just lost with, eventhough I had direction.
I knew that I needed directionthat breathed there by way of
human beings, because we werenot designed, as I think many of
(27:28):
us are finding now, in thistime when I'm recording this, in
this epidemic where we're allat home.
We're not built to stay at home.
We're not built to do lifewithout people.
And I knew that I needed to dolife with some people.
I needed to follow somebody,just like I did, george in that
U-Haul that day, that I couldsee and that I could touch.
Printed directions were nothelping me.
(27:49):
So one day I just Googled thename of that church and found
that they were actually having aBible study that night.
It was, ironically a Wednesdaynight, so I showed up to that
Bible study.
I did not know a single soul.
Here's where decisions, guys,make a difference in everything.
That night changed everythingfor me.
I met two of the principalplayers in my healing that night
(28:12):
at that Bible study and myfriends Chrissy and my friend
Cheryl had their very firstWednesdays with Watson.
Good things really beganhappening to me as a result of
some of the connections I madethere, one of which is I got a
job, a teaching job at thatschool, and that was just a
lifeline for me.
In a couple of years that wereto follow the community that
(28:34):
came with that, one decision toattend that Bible study was
literally a lifelong for me.
Some of those people justprovided shade and shelter for
me because I was still livingthat cheetah life.
As a result of that Bible studyI just got people and, as you
know, one of the C's is mycommunity.
(28:55):
Sometimes directions come to usdifferently and even those with
a propensity to get lost canfollow some simple directions,
because these people that werein my life refused to give up on
me, even though none of themhad any clue that I was living
that cheetah life.
I am so grateful to them tothis day because at that point
everything I knew in my life byway of directions and that those
(29:17):
Bibles were in jeopardy.
I found myself having plenty ofmoments, like John the Baptist
had, where I most audibly askedGod if he was real or if I
should be looking for somebodyelse.
Fortunately, these people Ikeep talking about were living
their lives in abandonment ofthe cause of Jesus Christ and
because of that I had thedirection that I so desperately
sought, because they reflectedJesus in their interactions with
(29:39):
me.
Little things like my friendCheryl, who also taught at that
school, every single day broughtme cheese and crackers like a
third grader, because I wouldn'tbring food for myself, and so
she bought it from the grocerystore and brought it to me every
day for me to eat.
So I was continuing to live mycheetah life, complete with
adrenaline dumps and nightterrors and sheer exhaustion
(30:01):
from the run, and I could notsleep.
I still was not opening Bibles,still wasn't looking at those
printed directions that hadproven to me to be faithful and
true.
Oftentimes I couldn't even tellyou where one of my Bibles were
.
I was still so lost.
But those people weredefinitely helping me.
(30:23):
I had my eyes on them and,right, wrong or indifferent,
they are the reason why I'mstill breathing air, but the
repercussions of that cheetahlife was bound to catch up for
me.
Catch up to me, excuse me, andcatch up to me it did.
My first class of the morningthat I taught was a chemistry
class at 745.
To say that I am not a morningperson is a bit of an
(30:45):
understatement, but that wasespecially true because my
nights were filled with terrorand trauma flashbacks.
And if you have PTSD, even ifyou've never been diagnosed, if
you've had a flashback, you knowexactly what I'm talking about.
During the day I was operatingoff of adrenaline dumps and
caffeine, but one night I wasjust so of adrenaline dumps and
caffeine, but one night I wasjust so frustrated with not
being able to sleep.
(31:05):
I watched as every hour clickedby and I played that same game
that we all played.
If I go to sleep now, I'll getX amount of sleep.
And as that X number begandwindling down, I was determined
to fall asleep and so I startedtaking a Klonopin, which is
like a Xanax or a Valium, forevery time I saw that clock hit
another hour.
I had been prescribed Klonopinfor anxiety, but I was only
(31:29):
supposed to take one of them,but every time I saw that clock
hit an hour, I took a Klonopinand by the time I got up to take
a shower to go to work the nextday, I had taken nine Klonopin
and slept zero hours.
That next day I taught my longstretch of those six classes in
a row and again, for reasonsthat I can't explain to you,
during my break period I wentdown, started talking to my
(31:51):
assistant principal, who is aman that I really respected and
had a lot of just admiration forand just loved his job and
loved us, and so I told him whathappened and he just looked at
me gently and asked me if Icould teach my next class.
And when I told him that Icould, he said come back and see
me after you get done with theclass.
And so I didn't think muchabout that and I went back up
(32:14):
and taught my seventh class androamed back in his office and
when I did, my friend Cheryl wasthere and she looked upset and
I can't be sure Maybe she cananswer this for you one day but
I was pretty sure she had beencrying.
But we were going for a ride.
Apparently Aaron and Cheryl hadinvestigated where they could
take me to get help and a fewhours later I found myself in
the emergency room with Cherylwhere I would admit myself to
(32:37):
the psych ward and finally stoprunning.
I could not cry.
I wasn't scared.
I was somewhat grateful thatsomeone else had taken the
responsibility to take care ofme as all the paperwork got
ready.
I continued to communicate withmy friends on text message
Still was fine, still wasn'tscared as they got me ready to
admit me.
And as soon as I realized thatthe door was going to lock when
(33:00):
they did, I started to get alittle bit scared.
But then the last thing theydid was take my phone and my
cheetah life was officially over.
At least for that moment it wasover.
I sobbed because they took myphone.
They took away the onlydirection that I had been living
the last two years on.
That door closed behind Cheryland it locked.
(33:20):
As it slammed shut, and thatlocked door alone caused
childhood flashbacks.
But in short order they had memedicated and I fell asleep in
the clothes that I wore to workthat day.
That night the cheetah in mejust stopped and it's still
still, to this day, one of thebest nights of sleep I've ever
had.
The days that were come weresome of the hardest of my life,
and it landed me at the feet ofJesus, who I understood was not
(33:43):
unfamiliar with my sufferings.
And because there was nothingelse to distract me, I found a
Bible in the psych ward.
It was the first day of therest of my life.
The cheetah retired that dayand I can't wait to tell you the
rest of the story.
Thank you for so, guys.
(34:07):
This is the beginning of theWednesdays with Watson podcast.
You just heard the firstepisode, and so in the next
couple episodes I continue totell you my story.
Ironically, that church on thecorner is exactly where I found
myself just last week teaching alesson on the question that
Jesus asked do you want to get?
(34:29):
Well?
As I listen back to thisepisode, it is somewhat cringy
to me, because I have watchedthe Lord bring me so far.
I've watched him bring peaceand healing that I never thought
could happen, even on that dayafter I bought a microphone off
(34:52):
of Amazon at the beginning ofthe pandemic to start this
little passion project.
Because, you know, even then Istill believed in Jesus, I still
believed in his goodness andsomewhere deep inside of me I
(35:12):
knew that one day that he wouldbring healing.
It was at this time that Iattached myself to Joel 2.25,
where the Bible tells us thatGod will restore all the things
that the locusts have stolen.
These days, I hear that sameslamming door shut, and it
(35:35):
always reminds me of that timein 2008.
And it always reminds me of thattime in 2008.
As you see, because the Lorddoes what the Lord does.
Once that cheetah retired andlet him do what he does, he has
brought me to a place where nowI work, in that very environment
(35:57):
where I found myself aftertaking those nine Klonopin, and
this is why I still believe that, through it all, that he is
amazing, wonderful and my onlyhope, my ever-present help in
trouble.
So I hope that you if you'renew here that you enjoyed this
(36:20):
throwback episode.
The next couple will continueto tell my story and then I will
share with you the lesson thatI taught at that very same
church, calvary Church, on thequestions that Jesus asked Do
you want to get well?
Until then, I hope that youstill believe and that you still
(36:41):
know that he never, ever givesup on us and that he will, in
fact, redeem all the years thatthe locusts have stolen.
We'll see you guys back here intwo weeks.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
The world may say where is your God?
We will say he's right herewith us.
The world may say where is yourGod?
We will say he's right herewith us.
(37:30):
The world may say where is yourGod?
But we will say he's right herewith us.
The world may say where is yourGod?
We will say he's right herewith us.
(37:55):
His name is Jesus, oh Jesus.
His name is Jesus, jesus, causeI still believe, through it all
(38:16):
, I still believe you arewonderful.
You've never given up on me,cause I still believe you are
powerful.
I still believe you do miracles.
(38:41):
You've never given up on me.
You've never given up on me.
You've never given up on me.
I choose to sing when I can hardly breathe out a
breath.
I choose to stand when all Iwant to do is give up.
I choose to trust when my wholeworld is falling apart.
I choose you, jesus, because Istill believe Through it all.
(00:31):
I still believe you arewonderful.
You've never given up on me.
You've never given up on me.
You've never given up on me.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Hey everybody and welcome back to the Wednesdays
with Watson podcast.
It is February of 2025.
We are, for the next coupledays or, excuse me, next couple
drops going to visit the earlyepisodes of the podcast.
So many people recommend thispodcast.
For the first four episodes,after we re-release those
(01:19):
episodes, I'm going to sharewith you a talk, if you will, or
a lesson or an opportunity thatI got to teach on the passage
where Jesus asked the paralyticman if he wants to get well.
So I thought that I would giveyou guys some context as we dive
into these next several weeksand so enjoy this very.
Actually, this is the secondpodcast episode that we ever
(01:41):
published and these next severalweeks you'll hear a little bit
about my story and the coolthing is is you're going to hear
about it from an Amy almostfive years ago, and then we're
going to release the episodewhere I had the opportunity to
teach at my church about thequestion that Jesus asked do you
(02:04):
want to get well?
So let's drop into this episode.
It's going to be just as muchof a treat to me as it is to you
.
The audio is horrible.
Amy is not as healed, but thisis the beginning of the
Wednesdays with Watson podcastand what set me on this journey
that I'm on right now, and soenjoy this episode called PTSD
(02:27):
Jesus and Me Lost withDirections.
Hey everybody, you are listeningto Wednesdays with Watson.
I'm your host, amy Watson, andthank you for joining me today.
On today's podcast, I am goingto begin to tell you some of my
(02:48):
story, and we will also delveinto some of the practical
implications of post-traumaticstress disorder, as those of you
who are listening to thepodcast have come either to seek
information for yourself orsomebody that you love, and so,
as we move through this seasonthat we have called PTSD Jesus
and Me, it is my desire to makesure that I help you via
(03:11):
storytelling and also having theopportunity to teach you some
very real issues that many, manypeople don't know about
post-traumatic stress disorder,just by way of a little bit of
housekeeping.
Today's episode will featuresome sensitive information as it
pertains to substance abuse andjust some very real issues that
(03:33):
come along with post-traumaticstress disorder.
So just a little bit of awarning there nothing real scary
for younger listeners, butobviously as a bit of a trigger
warning too.
We will be talking about trauma, and so just kind of be mindful
of that.
So sit back and relax and thankyou for joining and let's let
(03:53):
the healing continue.
Hey, everybody, and welcome backto Wednesdays with Watson.
I am your host, amy Watson, andguys, I am extraordinarily
grateful that you have decidedto invest a little bit of your
time with me today.
(04:13):
To say that I am overwhelmed bythe response of the inaugural
podcast is a bit of anunderstatement.
I am so, so grateful to thoseof you who are coming along
behind this adventure in supportof what we are trying to do.
We have named this season PTSDJesus and Me, and really I named
(04:34):
it that, guys, because I can'ttell you my story without
telling you the star of my story.
Remember my story.
The reason why I'm doing thisis to tell you about my journey
to diagnosis with complexpost-traumatic stress disorder,
and I simply would not be heretoday without that star of my
story.
So of course, I had to put hisname in the title of the podcast
(04:57):
.
He, along with what I havedubbed as the three C's and I
think that's the writer in mewho just loves alliteration the
three C's of my church and mycommunity, as well as
trauma-informed counseling,those things are the only reason
why I'm even alive to share mystory with you today, and so we
will visit those three C's often.
(05:18):
As I tell you my story, I'mgoing to vacillate in and out of
how those people and thosethings were really instrumental.
And what mostly today is goingto be about is my journey to the
diagnosis and then after that,you know my church and my
community, and then, moreimportantly, trauma-informed
(05:39):
counseling is just so vital inthe healing, and healing can
come, and that is the reason I'mdoing this, because I want you
to find hope that healing cancome.
So I won't be able, by anystretch of the imagination, to
share all of my story with youguys, but I will always have a
destination and we may or maynot get there on any given
(06:01):
podcast.
I am a writer who likes toleave things on cliffhangers
sometimes, and just rememberthat if you don't like the
cliffhanger, you can alwaysreach out to me and I'd be happy
to have some virtual coffeewith you and tell you the rest
of the story.
But just know that you may notalways know where I'm headed on
any given podcast, except for mywhole motivation and direction
(06:23):
is to tell you the story of mydiagnosis and treatment of PTSD.
I do not think that I understoodthe responsibility of tackling
a subject like this, though.
The other night, in the middleof the night literally, I woke
up and the gravity of this wholething hit me.
It is an important topic, as weknow.
That being said, as nervous asI am, and the fact that it is
(06:46):
Thursday or the week before thisis to publish and I have
literally been working on it allweek, that tells you how
important I know that this is,but it also fills me with
inexplicable joy.
I love, love, love, lovehelping people, and so this is
really my sweet spot.
You will hear me vacillate somany times between teacher and
(07:06):
storyteller, because I am both.
I love telling stories.
I am an eight on the Enneagramand for those of you who know
that, you know that Enneagrameight typically love them, some
them and so I love talking aboutmy story, not only because it's
a cool story, but because youknow most people may not admit
(07:26):
that they love talking aboutthem, and so so I do love
telling stories, and I certainlylove telling this story, but
I'm also a teacher, and ateacher by trade, or at least
for some part of my career.
I love teaching, and so youwill see me vacillate back and
forth between being astoryteller and then also
sharing with you informationthat I have learned either by
(07:49):
way of personal experience orbecause I researched it, because
, when we're on a subject likethis, it is important to
understand who our sparringpartner is.
I so often think of my battlewith PTSD as a boxing match,
even though I've never boxed aday in my life, nor do I watch
it, but my sparring partner isPTSD, and it is a sparring
(08:13):
partner that can be the knockoutpunch if we let it.
And so, as I begin to speak toyou about my story and some of
the science of PTSD, we willtalk about, throughout the
course of the podcast, cuttingedge therapies that have helped
me along the way, and, as I'vementioned to you, my counselor
will do a session with us, andso, that being said, we will
(08:36):
continue on today with my life'sgoal, which is Philippians 1.12
, where Paul says, I want you tounderstand that the things that
have happened to me have reallyhappened.
Out of the furtherance of thegospel, and as we get into some
of the science of PTSD, I wantto tell you guys a current story
that just recently happened tome, because this story really is
(08:57):
so much of a picture of PTSDand how it exhibits itself and
the way we were created toprotect ourselves from danger.
And so I live in Florida and Iactually can't believe that this
is the first time this happenedto me, because I've lived here
my entire life and I amterrified, like my body, my DNA
(09:18):
I'm a first-generation Floridian, no DNA in me that is accepting
of snakes and alligators andanything in the reptile family,
terrified of all of them, and sothe fact that this is the first
time this happened to me in mylife is actually quite
remarkable.
But the other day I was walkingI had my iPad in my hand and it
was the iPad Pro, so it's a bigiPad, and so I opened the door
(09:39):
to go to my back porch and I andso I opened the door to go to
my my back porch and, as Iopened the interior door to go
out to the screened in porch.
I looked down and I literallysat there and froze.
And because when I looked downI saw a snake Now, it was a
black snake, and I don't needanyone commenting in the show
(10:02):
notes that black snakes are good.
There are no good snakes Icertainly didn't have time to
stand there and decide whetherit was a good snake or not.
And I, at first I froze, andthen I literally flew across the
porch and jumped up on a chairand texted my neighbor and asked
her to come help me, and shedidn't, by the way.
But that is a snapshot of aPTSD brain.
(10:26):
Oftentimes, when we talk aboutPTSD, you'll hear professionals
talk about it in a coupledifferent, really cool ways.
That helps us understand it.
And so there is this, thisphenomenon of fight, flight and
freeze, and I kind of did two ofthose things, or actually did
all.
Well, I didn't fight the snake,but that day when I, when my
(10:47):
body said, my brain said, hey,that's dangerous, I froze first
and then I, I literally ranacross the room and and then,
you know, had there been abattle to fight, like I had a
shovel or something, I couldhave also fought in that.
And so that day when I saw thatsnake is a bit of a picture of
(11:10):
what danger does to us.
It is not wildly understood andwe'll talk about this a little
bit more later but it is notwildly understood why the same
person can have the same traumaand one person be adversely
affected by it and the otherperson not be adversely affected
by it.
What I do want to say iswhether or not somebody be
adversely affected by it and theother person not be adversely
affected by it.
What I do want to say iswhether or not somebody is
adversely affected by any giventrauma if it's the exact same.
(11:32):
Trauma has nothing to do withhow strong they are emotionally
or psychologically or any ofthose things.
We will talk about the scienceof trauma and that it actually
does physical damage to thebrain and just like any other
disease.
We don't understand why somepeople exhibit symptoms and some
people don't, and so it'sreally, really important to
continue to remember that thingthat I keep mentioning about not
(11:54):
comparing our pain and notcomparing our trauma, and that
would be true about notcomparing your level of being
affected by trauma as well.
Sometimes you will hearcounselors and professionals
talk to you about PTSD and avery practical something that we
also see in nature by way of acheetah.
(12:16):
A cheetah is a giant, big catthat we see in the wild.
It is also the fastest animalin the world.
A cheetah can run 65 to 70miles an hour, and a cheetah
runs first and asks questionslater, and so when we are faced
with trauma, our response isoften similar to that cheetah
(12:37):
because we immediately go inflight mode.
We will run like that cheetahand we will run fast and we will
run hard.
The problem, as you're going tosee with part of my story today
, with that kind of speed, isthat it cannot be sustained, and
so oftentimes the exhaustion ofrunning from that trauma, we
get stuck in the fight of ourlives, severely impacted by the
hits and punches that come withPTSD.
(12:59):
And so that is just a littlebit, and you're going to hear me
talk about particularly thecheetah example, as well as the
fight-flight-freeze component ofPTSD today.
But those are just somepractical things to understand
about trauma as you try to dealwith trauma or as you're working
(13:28):
with people in your family thatyou love or friend, for
whatever reason you're here.
Listening to this podcast is toremember that trauma is
universal and trauma is not new.
As we read in Ecclesiastes,chapter 3, there's absolutely
nothing new under the sun.
We can see the earliestrecording of trauma way back in
Genesis, when Cain killed Abel.
We don't know whether Eve foundAbel dead, murdered by the
(13:49):
hands of her son Cain.
Somebody had to tell her and Ithink it's fair to say that that
was probably a pretty traumaticevent for Eve to be
experiencing in her newly brokenworld.
It's safe to assume that Noahdealt with some trauma as he
faced insurmountable loss in hispath to obedience.
Job absolutely did, experiencedtrauma and lost, none of which
(14:11):
was his fault.
David wrote what was probablythe most accurate depiction of
ptsd found anywhere, in myopinion, much less anywhere in
the bible.
In psalm 91, verses 5 and 6 arepretty much a journal of the
day in the life of a ptsdpatient.
I call it ptsd promise becausepsalm 91 and 6, snapshot of the
(14:35):
day, of a bad day of a PTSDpatient.
You will not fear the terror ofthe night, nor the arrow that
flies by day, nor the pestilencethat stalks the darkness, nor
the plague that destroys midday.
That is exactly.
Every minute of every day hasthe potential to be very, very
difficult for somebody sufferingwith PTSD, and so David clearly
(14:57):
had some trauma going on, asdid many of the people that
wrote the Psalms obviously weregoing through some difficult
things.
Finally, jesus, being fully Godand fully man, suffered trauma
more than any of us can everimagine experiencing.
In Hebrews 4, 15 and 16, I'mgoing to read from the message
Love this scripture.
Now we know that we have Jesus,this great high priest, with
(15:20):
ready access to God, the Father.
We don't have a priest who isout of touch with our reality.
He has been through ourweakness and testing.
He has experienced it all.
So let us approach his throneboldly, with confidence and with
humility, because we do notlove a king who does not
understand our trauma.
And so so oftentimes, whenpeople go through trauma, we
(15:44):
convince ourselves that it's notthat bad or that that it's not
important, because somebodyelse's trauma is worse than our
trauma.
But trauma is new is not new,excuse me and trauma needs for
you to pay attention to it,because if you don't, it will
pay attention to you.
The other thing that I thinkcomes so often with PTSD as we
(16:07):
are, you know, convincingourselves that maybe we're too
hard on ourselves, that weshouldn't be experiencing the
trauma like we are.
It's so not understood and isoften covered with cliche
answers from well-meaning people, and that brings shame and
confusion.
So many people have thisphilosophy of you've got a
problem, I have a Bible verse,and while, yes, every problem
(16:30):
there probably is a Bible verse,there are times when we can
bring those things in and weneed to be wise about that, for
lack of a better way to explainthat to you, because trauma is
so not understood and is notgoing to ever be the answer by
giving people cliche answers.
We need to walk alongsidepeople and, as you will hear,
(16:54):
some people did that for me andthat one of those C's that I
keep talking about in mycommunity.
It's important to remember thateverybody has trauma.
If you are listening to thispodcast and you have not
experienced trauma, let me tellyou something that is as sure as
gravity you will, because theBible tells us that we will have
suffering in this world andthat no one gets through this
(17:17):
lifetime without trauma.
And again, we're not comparingtrauma.
Remember, we all have it.
We're not comparing it.
Now here's what I'd like to slipinto teacher mode just for a
second, because trauma andremember trauma, by definition,
is basically something thatthreatens or causes physical
(17:37):
like we're not safe, we don'tfeel safe or we're literally not
safe.
So trauma PTSD can either becaused by you perceive that
you're not safe, even though youmay be safe, or you're
literally not safe and somethinghappens to you.
And when that happens, traumacauses physical damage to the
brain, and we will talk aboutthis at great length with Dr
(17:58):
Pettit when he comes on.
But suffice it to say thatthere are practical
repercussions to untreatedtrauma and for me, that served
as a discouragement to me.
I will often, sometimes beheard referring to my brain as
broken and as I was gettingready for this podcast and
writing my notes, I wrote youare not broken.
(18:21):
And even as I wrote that, I hadto check myself at the door and
see if I actually believed thatI am not broken.
Because even though traumacauses physical damage to the
brain, it doesn't mean we'rebroken.
And even if we are broken again, we do not love a king who is
unfamiliar with that kind ofbrokenness.
It is not new.
(18:42):
We see his faithfulness allthrough the Bible, restoring
brokenness.
And so, as I said in theinaugural podcast, I'm going to
evolve, the podcast is going toevolve.
And so that was a moment for methis week, as I was getting
ready for this and wrote thosewords I am not broken.
I literally just kind ofstepped back and thought to
myself do you really believethat?
And so that was a moment for me.
(19:04):
But there are some.
So, for example I'll give youguys some examples I struggle
with spatial issues.
One of the things that I can'tdo that all of the world is
doing right now, because we'reall stuck in our houses, is I
can't put together a puzzle.
I just can't do it Like.
I can't see it, I can'tenvision it, even the edges I
have a hard time with.
(19:25):
This is embarrassing to me,especially back in the day when
I was at the children's home.
I grew up in a children's homeand we would the kids would sit
down around a table and puttogether a puzzle, and I
couldn't.
I could never understand it andI still, to this day, cannot
put together a puzzle, and thisis because of physical damages
to my brain from trauma.
When I was younger, I struggledwith my right and left, and
(19:47):
teachers often dubbed me withdyslexia and other disorders,
even though I never, ever,struggled as a student.
Some of these misunderstoodconsequences of trauma confused
me and I thought that there wassomething wrong with me or that
I just wasn't as smart as otherpeople.
So things like not being ableto put together a puzzle was
super, super embarrassing to me,and I don't doubt that other
(20:11):
PTSD patients don't understandwhy some of that practical stuff
that they can't do, why theycan't do it, especially when
everybody else seemingly can.
But we will talk about thatmore at length, about how it
causes physical damage to thebrain.
I have called this episode Lostwith Directions, because perhaps
the most frustrating place thatI struggle with this physical
(20:33):
damage to my healing brain, is acomplete lack of a sense of
direction.
It's probably true that I wasnot born with the best keen of
sense of direction, but I knowthat trauma caused this, because
I get lost now far fewer timesthan I did early in my diagnosis
.
But still, if we're out andabout just a heads up to those
(20:56):
of you in my daily life if youtell me to turn north and there
isn't an ocean around, I'm goingto be really confused, unless
it's sunrise or sunset.
You may as well give me aquantum physics problem, because
I really struggle with sense ofdirection problem, because I
really struggle with sense ofdirection.
And so, as I thought about thebeginning of telling you my
(21:17):
story, I understand that theplace that makes the most sense
to tell you my story is thebeginning.
But remember, we're talkingabout 35 years of trauma and the
rumor has it that I'm writing abook, and so I can't tell you
everything.
But I wanted to start at theday where I I will draw a line
forever, at the day where Istarted on the journey and
(21:39):
that's what today is about isthe journey of the diagnosis of
PTSD, because I was living mylife with some of the things
that I just explained to you,like putting together a puzzle
and get lost.
I was living my life under thisincredible self-pressure that I
just needed to get over it.
You know, I would throw Bibleverses at myself, put my hand to
the plow and, looking back, notfit for the kingdom of God, all
(22:02):
of those things and I did notunderstand that PTSD even
existed.
And so perhaps the mostfrustrating place that I
struggle with it back then andeven now, is that I always get
lost.
I can't read a map.
If you hand me a map on a phone, I'm going to hand it back to
you and we're all going to hopethat we get to wherever it is
(22:22):
we're going, but I get lost.
And so, as I was thinking aboutwhere to tell you the story, I
was thinking of a time when Iwas so terrified that I was
gonna get lost, because it was aday that would have invoked
tears for most people, becauseit was a bad day for me.
But regardless of all thatemotional pain, I could not shed
(22:44):
a tear, and I think about thatoften.
Or why I couldn't cry in thosedays and that's also a hallmark
symptom of PTSD is just notbeing able to cry.
And here's why you can't cry,because cheetahs can't run and
cry at the same time, and I wasrunning for my life.
That cheetah life was was onethat that I was living, but none
(23:07):
of it was without consequence.
So the day that I sat at thelight at the intersection of
McMullen, booth and Drew, Inoticed this big giant building
on the corner of thatintersection.
I could tell it was a churchand I wanted nothing to do with
it.
I actually diverted my eyes.
I had no interest in God orchurch.
I didn't want to be responsiblefor knowing that that church
(23:28):
was there, because I knew that Icould find help there.
And at that moment I didn'twant help.
I had been living that cheetahlife and I have still to this
day some pretty strong runninglungs, as I did then.
But running taught me nothing,teaches us nothing about coping
and resting, and so I couldn'tdo either one of those things.
(23:49):
Running in those days served abit of an analgesic to me.
So we sat at that light and Iglanced down at my gear shift
and grabbed the 16-ounce bottleof narcotic pain medicine that I
had secured before leaving StAugustine.
I took a swig of that, what Ilater would dub as liquid gold.
I neither had a cough I didn'thave a cold, but my pain was
(24:10):
inexplicable, and that liquidgold made it all more tolerable.
I was only just a couple blocksfrom my new apartment, so I
wasn't worried about gettingthere.
I let that medicine just kindof coat my throat and really,
like it, literally just hit me,and so some of that emotional
pain just kind of got dulled.
And I glanced down as I wasturning that corner, at the
(24:34):
printed MapQuest directions onthe passenger seat of my car and
I found very, very littlecomfort in those step-by-step
directions, didn't trust them,even though they were right
there, and those of you thatremember the old MapQuest
directions before GPS wasconstantly telling us where to
go.
That's how we found things, butI didn't trust those directions
, even though they were sittingright next to me.
(24:56):
Instead, I focused on theU-Haul that was in front of me,
and that U-Haul representedeverything I owned.
It was a snapshot of 35 yearsof my life.
My brother-in-law was drivingthat U-Haul.
He and my sister had justhelped me move down my marital
home.
That home had been filled withviolence for 12 years, for
reasons that I can't explain.
I really can't.
(25:17):
Somehow, I found the courage tofinally leave that environment,
and, even though I was fairlyconfident that I was meant to
live this life in constant pain,I knew that I needed to get out
of that.
That's the thing, see, whenyou're living this PTSD cheetah
life, one day it catches up withyou, and leaving that marriage
was just one of the examples ofthat.
(25:38):
I wouldn't have survived itmuch longer.
As I followed closely behindthat U-Haul, I got a glimpse,
though, of that big building onthe corner, even though I didn't
want to, and it said CalvaryBaptist Church for Life's
Journey.
About that time, though, themedicine was kicking in.
I seriously don't remember muchabout moving myself into that
750-foot square-foot apartmentthat I would later dub as the
(25:59):
ghetto.
It was a far cry from the housethat I left.
That was just three blocks fromthe Atlantic Ocean.
At some point I must have takensome more swigs from that
bottle, because I don't remembermy sister and brother-in-law
leaving that day, and I sleptfor 14 hours.
I woke up in the apartment thenext day to double-digit text
messages from my friends and myfamily as I tried to get settled
(26:21):
into that apartment.
Over the days and weeks thatwould follow, the monsters of
post-traumatic stress disordermanifested themselves in epic
proportions.
I continued to self-medicatemyself to sleep, basically, and
that is something very anotherhallmark of PTSD is
self-medication, isolation,those kinds of things.
And I was doing all of that.
(26:41):
I didn't know a soul, eventhough I went to college in
Clearwater.
All my friends had moved.
As I unpacked my stuff, Iunpacked four or five Bibles and
at least that many Biblestudies that I had taught over
the years.
Yet I was still just as lost,just like I was that day.
In the car, those directionswere sitting right next to me.
I could trust them, they camefrom a trusted source but I
(27:03):
could not get my direction fromthem.
I was so lost and that day, inmy apartment, I was so lost,
even though I had direction byway of four or five Bibles and,
like I said, at least that manyBible studies that I had taught
I was just lost with, eventhough I had direction.
I knew that I needed directionthat breathed there by way of
human beings, because we werenot designed, as I think many of
(27:28):
us are finding now, in thistime when I'm recording this, in
this epidemic where we're allat home.
We're not built to stay at home.
We're not built to do lifewithout people.
And I knew that I needed to dolife with some people.
I needed to follow somebody,just like I did, george in that
U-Haul that day, that I couldsee and that I could touch.
Printed directions were nothelping me.
(27:49):
So one day I just Googled thename of that church and found
that they were actually having aBible study that night.
It was, ironically a Wednesdaynight, so I showed up to that
Bible study.
I did not know a single soul.
Here's where decisions, guys,make a difference in everything.
That night changed everythingfor me.
I met two of the principalplayers in my healing that night
(28:12):
at that Bible study and myfriends Chrissy and my friend
Cheryl had their very firstWednesdays with Watson.
Good things really beganhappening to me as a result of
some of the connections I madethere, one of which is I got a
job, a teaching job at thatschool, and that was just a
lifeline for me.
In a couple of years that wereto follow the community that
(28:34):
came with that, one decision toattend that Bible study was
literally a lifelong for me.
Some of those people justprovided shade and shelter for
me because I was still livingthat cheetah life.
As a result of that Bible studyI just got people and, as you
know, one of the C's is mycommunity.
(28:55):
Sometimes directions come to usdifferently and even those with
a propensity to get lost canfollow some simple directions,
because these people that werein my life refused to give up on
me, even though none of themhad any clue that I was living
that cheetah life.
I am so grateful to them tothis day because at that point
everything I knew in my life byway of directions and that those
(29:17):
Bibles were in jeopardy.
I found myself having plenty ofmoments, like John the Baptist
had, where I most audibly askedGod if he was real or if I
should be looking for somebodyelse.
Fortunately, these people Ikeep talking about were living
their lives in abandonment ofthe cause of Jesus Christ and
because of that I had thedirection that I so desperately
sought, because they reflectedJesus in their interactions with
(29:39):
me.
Little things like my friendCheryl, who also taught at that
school, every single day broughtme cheese and crackers like a
third grader, because I wouldn'tbring food for myself, and so
she bought it from the grocerystore and brought it to me every
day for me to eat.
So I was continuing to live mycheetah life, complete with
adrenaline dumps and nightterrors and sheer exhaustion
(30:01):
from the run, and I could notsleep.
I still was not opening Bibles,still wasn't looking at those
printed directions that hadproven to me to be faithful and
true.
Oftentimes I couldn't even tellyou where one of my Bibles were
.
I was still so lost.
But those people weredefinitely helping me.
(30:23):
I had my eyes on them and,right, wrong or indifferent,
they are the reason why I'mstill breathing air, but the
repercussions of that cheetahlife was bound to catch up for
me.
Catch up to me, excuse me, andcatch up to me it did.
My first class of the morningthat I taught was a chemistry
class at 745.
To say that I am not a morningperson is a bit of an
(30:45):
understatement, but that wasespecially true because my
nights were filled with terrorand trauma flashbacks.
And if you have PTSD, even ifyou've never been diagnosed, if
you've had a flashback, you knowexactly what I'm talking about.
During the day I was operatingoff of adrenaline dumps and
caffeine, but one night I wasjust so of adrenaline dumps and
caffeine, but one night I wasjust so frustrated with not
being able to sleep.
(31:05):
I watched as every hour clickedby and I played that same game
that we all played.
If I go to sleep now, I'll getX amount of sleep.
And as that X number begandwindling down, I was determined
to fall asleep and so I startedtaking a Klonopin, which is
like a Xanax or a Valium, forevery time I saw that clock hit
another hour.
I had been prescribed Klonopinfor anxiety, but I was only
(31:29):
supposed to take one of them,but every time I saw that clock
hit an hour, I took a Klonopinand by the time I got up to take
a shower to go to work the nextday, I had taken nine Klonopin
and slept zero hours.
That next day I taught my longstretch of those six classes in
a row and again, for reasonsthat I can't explain to you,
during my break period I wentdown, started talking to my
(31:51):
assistant principal, who is aman that I really respected and
had a lot of just admiration forand just loved his job and
loved us, and so I told him whathappened and he just looked at
me gently and asked me if Icould teach my next class.
And when I told him that Icould, he said come back and see
me after you get done with theclass.
And so I didn't think muchabout that and I went back up
(32:14):
and taught my seventh class androamed back in his office and
when I did, my friend Cheryl wasthere and she looked upset and
I can't be sure Maybe she cananswer this for you one day but
I was pretty sure she had beencrying.
But we were going for a ride.
Apparently Aaron and Cheryl hadinvestigated where they could
take me to get help and a fewhours later I found myself in
the emergency room with Cherylwhere I would admit myself to
(32:37):
the psych ward and finally stoprunning.
I could not cry.
I wasn't scared.
I was somewhat grateful thatsomeone else had taken the
responsibility to take care ofme as all the paperwork got
ready.
I continued to communicate withmy friends on text message
Still was fine, still wasn'tscared as they got me ready to
admit me.
And as soon as I realized thatthe door was going to lock when
(33:00):
they did, I started to get alittle bit scared.
But then the last thing theydid was take my phone and my
cheetah life was officially over.
At least for that moment it wasover.
I sobbed because they took myphone.
They took away the onlydirection that I had been living
the last two years on.
That door closed behind Cheryland it locked.
(33:20):
As it slammed shut, and thatlocked door alone caused
childhood flashbacks.
But in short order they had memedicated and I fell asleep in
the clothes that I wore to workthat day.
That night the cheetah in mejust stopped and it's still
still, to this day, one of thebest nights of sleep I've ever
had.
The days that were come weresome of the hardest of my life,
and it landed me at the feet ofJesus, who I understood was not
(33:43):
unfamiliar with my sufferings.
And because there was nothingelse to distract me, I found a
Bible in the psych ward.
It was the first day of therest of my life.
The cheetah retired that dayand I can't wait to tell you the
rest of the story.
Thank you for so, guys.
(34:07):
This is the beginning of theWednesdays with Watson podcast.
You just heard the firstepisode, and so in the next
couple episodes I continue totell you my story.
Ironically, that church on thecorner is exactly where I found
myself just last week teaching alesson on the question that
Jesus asked do you want to get?
(34:29):
Well?
As I listen back to thisepisode, it is somewhat cringy
to me, because I have watchedthe Lord bring me so far.
I've watched him bring peaceand healing that I never thought
could happen, even on that dayafter I bought a microphone off
(34:52):
of Amazon at the beginning ofthe pandemic to start this
little passion project.
Because, you know, even then Istill believed in Jesus, I still
believed in his goodness andsomewhere deep inside of me I
(35:12):
knew that one day that he wouldbring healing.
It was at this time that Iattached myself to Joel 2.25,
where the Bible tells us thatGod will restore all the things
that the locusts have stolen.
These days, I hear that sameslamming door shut, and it
(35:35):
always reminds me of that timein 2008.
And it always reminds me of thattime in 2008.
As you see, because the Lorddoes what the Lord does.
Once that cheetah retired andlet him do what he does, he has
brought me to a place where nowI work, in that very environment
(35:57):
where I found myself aftertaking those nine Klonopin, and
this is why I still believe that, through it all, that he is
amazing, wonderful and my onlyhope, my ever-present help in
trouble.
So I hope that you if you'renew here that you enjoyed this
(36:20):
throwback episode.
The next couple will continueto tell my story and then I will
share with you the lesson thatI taught at that very same
church, calvary Church, on thequestions that Jesus asked Do
you want to get well?
Until then, I hope that youstill believe and that you still
(36:41):
know that he never, ever givesup on us and that he will, in
fact, redeem all the years thatthe locusts have stolen.
We'll see you guys back here intwo weeks.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
The world may say where is your God?
We will say he's right herewith us.
The world may say where is yourGod?
We will say he's right herewith us.
(37:30):
The world may say where is yourGod?
But we will say he's right herewith us.
The world may say where is yourGod?
We will say he's right herewith us.
(37:55):
His name is Jesus, oh Jesus.
His name is Jesus, jesus, causeI still believe, through it all
(38:16):
, I still believe you arewonderful.
You've never given up on me,cause I still believe you are
powerful.
I still believe you do miracles.
(38:41):
You've never given up on me.
You've never given up on me.
You've never given up on me.
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