February 12, 2025 • 33 mins
What happens when the very foundations of your safety are shaken, and healing seems out of reach? Join me as I share a deeply personal journey, marking the near fifth anniversary of the Wednesdays with Watson podcast. Born from the solitude of the pandemic and my struggle with PTSD, this episode takes you through the significant moments that shaped my path toward healing. From a life-altering stay in a psychiatric hospital to moving in with a friend who transformed my approach to counseling, we explore the profound role of faith, community, and a trauma-informed support system in navigating life's darkest periods.
In a candid discussion, I recount the decision to entrust my journey to Dr. Pettit, a Christian counselor who became a beacon of hope and safety. Despite my initial skepticism about having a male counselor, his approach turned a meeting room into a sanctuary for healing. Through recounting sessions filled with breakthroughs and challenges, this episode underscores how a worldview larger than oneself can be pivotal in recovery. You'll hear about heartwarming and sometimes humorous anecdotes, like my notorious sense of direction, even on the simplest drives from Clearwater to St. Pete.
As we recount the trials of facing threatening emails during hospital stays and the solace found in unexpected friendships, this episode is a testament to the transformative power of support and connection. The narrative reinforces a powerful message: no matter how bleak circumstances may appear, hope is unwavering, and every story is still being written. As the podcast approaches its fifth year, we celebrate not just survival, but the discovery of purpose and worth in the face of adversity.
"Safe in Your Arms" by Josh Baldwin, used by permission MusicBed.com
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You pick me up and you let me catch my breath.
Lord, you never condemn, nevermake a list of wrongs.
In the light of your goodness,all the fear I've known is gone.
I'm safe in your arms, yourarms of love.
(00:29):
Safe in your arms, your arms oflove.
Hey everybody, and welcome backto the Wednesdays with Watson
podcast.
It is February of 2025.
We are barely getting closeApril to the fifth anniversary
(00:54):
of the Wednesdays with Watsonpodcast.
I have often dubbed it mypandemic project.
Don't we all remember those twoweeks to flatten the curve?
I started this podcast duringthose two weeks because I wanted
people to understand PTSD, Iwanted them to understand trauma
(01:15):
and I wanted to get bettermyself.
And so I got behind thismicrophone and I began to tell
my story.
And those first four or fiveepisodes in particular were
impactful and they tell thestory of how I spent five days
(01:37):
myself in a psychiatric hospitalfor a suicide attempt and a
complete nervous breakdown.
I talk about my roommate, stacythere, that I met.
We called this episode SafeEnough to Fall Apart, and I love
this song by Josh Baldwin SafeEnough, safe in your Arms.
(02:00):
And so guys, enjoy thisthrowback episode as I continue
to tell my story, and hopefullysomebody will pick up this
episode instead of having tobury it or find it buried deep,
deep, deep in the podcastepisodes.
So this is an episode that wecalled safe enough to fall apart
.
Come back in two weeks and youwill get the rest of the story.
(02:26):
A bad feeling, and I didn't wantto medicate it.
It was a confusing feeling.
It was a warm feeling, it was afuzzy feeling, it was a almost
(02:49):
a feeling like you feel likewhen somebody gives you a big
hug that you want.
That's what it felt like.
Later, I would find out thatthat feeling was safety, for the
first time since leaving thechildren's home.
Hey, everybody, and welcomeback to Wednesdays with Watson.
(03:15):
My name is Amy Watson, I amyour host, and I am so grateful
that you have returned to spendsome time with us.
Today.
We've named this first seasonof our podcast PTSD, jesus and
Me, and I oftentimes just reallyfeel the need to tell you guys
that, because these things areso important and the end of my
(03:38):
story, which is really youhearing my voice right now and
hearing what the Lord has donein my life and healing of
complex post-traumatic stressdisorder.
Certainly, though, that wouldnot be possible without what I
have dubbed as the three C's andthe start of my story, and my
church, obviously, and my faithin Jesus, my community and also
(04:01):
trauma-informed counseling.
And so I will never apologizeabout saying that every single
week, because it is absolutelyimpossible to tell a story,
fiction or non, without tellingyou about the hero, and
certainly, while God providedmany heroes along the way by way
of community, he absolutely isthe star of my story.
This podcast has already beenso rewarding and so interesting
(04:25):
to me.
It is a hybrid of my tellingyou the story of my journey of
being diagnosed withpost-traumatic stress disorder,
but it is told in story form andwhile you don't need to have
listened to the podcast beforeit, it might be good for you to
go back and listen or, excuse me, listen to those, but it's not
(04:47):
necessary because I aminterrogating, telling you my
story and my journey of thediagnosis and treatment of PTSD,
along with some science of PTSD, to help you understand this
phenomenon that is really waymore common than I think any of
us know.
(05:07):
One of the most popularquestions that I continue to
receive from the podcast isreally asked in various forms,
but really the question is thesame is how do I know if I have
PTSD?
Certainly I am a patient.
I am not an expert, I am not adoctor.
(05:27):
I almost have a minor inpsychology from college, but all
I can tell you is about myjourney.
But I will tell you that ifyou're asking me if you have
PTSD, I think my answer to youat that point is inconsequential
because clearly there's areason why you're asking that
question.
So, by way of talking a littlebit before we pick up where we
(05:52):
left off as a cliffhanger I'msure most of you love me for
that Before we pick up where weleft off there, one of the
things that might help us allunderstand is really what is
this definition of trauma andwhy do some people experience
the same trauma and have zeroeffect?
(06:14):
And some people can see orexperience that same trauma and
be heavily affected, many timesin the form of a diagnosis of
post-traumatic stress disorder.
And it really depends on whoyou ask.
And certainly there is a place,a prominent place, for biblical
counseling when we talk aboutPTSD, and that school of thought
(06:38):
many times and I don't thinkit's a wrong one many times will
define trauma as aninterpretive disorder, meaning
the way we receive the traumaticevent and understand that could
be anything from witnessing acar accident to being in a car
accident, to being in war, tobeing on the front lines in a
hospital.
(06:58):
Many, many different things cancause trauma when our
perception is that we are notsafe, or that we physically are
not safe, or that we seesomething.
Many people that survived 9-11clearly suffered from PTSD
because of the atrocities theysaw on that day.
But oftentimes trauma affectsus in many different ways.
(07:21):
Physiologically, we're alldifferent.
Certainly, the lens in which weview things, view things that
come into our lives, experiencesthat we have had going into
seeing that all are going tocolor what affects us.
But the fact of the matter isis that if you're asking me that
question, my answer to you isboth largely uneducated and
(07:43):
inconsequential, because itmeans you're hurting and it does
mean that there's somethingjumping up and down that needs
to be addressed.
While we're talking aboutquestions coming in to me on the
podcast, there are a coupleways you can do that and I will
list those at the end of thepodcast, which includes all of
my social media platforms inaddition to my website.
(08:06):
But I'd like to pick up fromwhen we last spent time together
.
When we last spent timetogether, I left off telling
this story about how my friendCheryl had taken me to the
emergency room.
I checked myself in to beadmitted to the psych ward, and
when I left you last, cheryl hadleft me behind those locked
doors and that psych ward.
(08:27):
But before I pick up on thatstory, I want to back up a bit,
because it is my desire,obviously, for this podcast, for
you to know the whole story andfor you to get a front row seat
to the healing that has beendescribed to me by more than one
person.
Amy, the healing that we'veseen you, just since we've known
(08:50):
you, the healing that we seeGod has performed in your life,
really is akin to someonebeating stage four cancer, and
so that is not something thatI've ever taken lightly, and I
do understand that.
I am recording this podcasttoday because of so many things
that happen and help youunderstand why, really, we
(09:10):
believe that that was the timethat my body decided to give up
and that was the time that Ineeded to be in the hospital,
(09:32):
and so I mentioned to you bothChrissy and Cheryl, both of whom
I met at a Bible study afterleaving my marriage that was
filled with violence for 12years.
Chrissy was one of those people, and many of you listening to
this podcast know who Chrissy isand many times will hear me
refer to her as my sister,because that is in fact what she
(09:56):
is in my life, as well as herfamily.
But we didn't start that way.
Chrissy is perhaps one of themost shy people on the planet,
and so the fact that she evenreached out to me and that she
and I, when we met in Decemberof 2007 in life group, the fact
that she even went out of herway to come up to me and talk to
(10:17):
me about things that she knewwas important to me.
Like I remember distinctly, sheknew that I am a Jaguars fan
and y'all pray for me becauseit's a sickness, actually but
she had looked up informationabout the Jaguars and had
actually come to me in that lifegroup and had talked to me
about it, and so she and Ispent—we were inseparable that
following summer, just monthsbefore this all happened, and we
(10:41):
did everything together andbecame very close, and we did
everything together and becamevery close.
One day we were riding down theroad and I was still living in
that really dark 750 square footapartment that I continue to
call the ghetto, and I waslonely and it was depressing,
and I think she knew that.
And Chrissy, one day we werejust driving down the road and
she had had a conversation withher mom who you will refer me
(11:06):
here, often hear me refer to asMama Bootsy but she had asked
her mom if she should ask me tocome live with her and her mom
said yes, absolutely you should.
And so Chrissy went out on alimb one day we were driving
down the road and asked me if Iwould be interested in moving in
with her for a few months andI'm literally air quoting and
(11:27):
you'll find out why that'sreally funny later.
As I mentioned, she and I hadspent a lot, a lot of time
together after meeting at churchthat previous December.
Part of the story that willcome next, and maybe even in the
next podcast, will be fromChrissy, because there is a
perspective that she has thatshe could share with you.
(11:48):
For those of you who arelistening to this podcast,
because you love somebody withPTSD, I want you to have her
take on this part of the storyand so, but since it's my story.
I get to go first.
When I responded in theaffirmative that I would love to
move in with her for a couplemonths to save money, I even
surprised myself.
I thought she was going todrive off the road, though, and
(12:10):
she will tell you to this daythat she was terrified of asking
me to come live with her.
I guess, maybe I'm I don't knowguys, I guess I kind of give
off a Miss Independent vibe, ormaybe I did then, but either way
, she was pretty scared to askme, and I don't know why.
I don't think I'm scary at all,maybe I was.
Then, anyway, she and Inegotiated rent because I
(12:32):
refused to let her give meanything.
After all, I have beensupporting myself since I was
around seven, with the exceptionof the time that I was in the
children's home.
I have worked, and if I ate, itwas because I worked.
If I had shelter over my head,it was because I worked, and so
I wasn't going to let her giveme anything.
When I said that to her, though, she used some skill, and she
(12:52):
told me that, if I would go tocounseling and use the money for
counseling, that I could livewith her without paying rent.
I was not, and had never been upuntil that point, opposed to
counseling.
I just really failed to find agood one.
The best one that I knew was,and is one of my closest friends
, dr Krista Witt, and she wascertainly too close to the
(13:16):
situation and I wasn't beinghonest with her because I knew
that she would take me exactlywhere I was ending up on that
day.
But I took Chrissy up on thatand had my first appointment
with Dr Pettit right after Imoved in with her.
Chrissy trusted Dr Pettit andso I trusted him and really,
like when you guys continue tohear parts of my story, you will
(13:36):
understand that conventionalwisdom would have told me and
everybody who was advising menot to have a male counselor.
But when I walked in his officeI trusted him from the first
time I saw him.
He is a calm and gentle man andalso he's a Christian counselor
and he counsels from aChristian and a biblical
(13:58):
worldview.
But his office also felt safeto flesh out anger that maybe
didn't fit in the Bible andmaybe someone needed to be angry
with God, and so his officefelt safe.
I had never felt judged, alwaysended up somehow back at Jesus.
Some of the most recentresearch indicates to us that
(14:21):
people with a worldview that isbigger than we are and so for me
that is or God the recoverydoes appear to be higher and
(14:43):
faster, and so I had great hopewhen I was in his office,
because I felt like his officewas a place where we could do
both.
I could be honest and be angryand be confused about God and
still find some healing.
I certainly didn't know, though, most of this on that very
first visit, but I can 100%attest to that now.
(15:05):
But when I look back at thatfirst visit, it does give me an
opportunity to talk to you alittle bit about two very
important components ofpost-traumatic stress disorder.
The first time that I walked inhis office was I had been
teaching all day, drove fromClearwater to St Pete, and if
you listened to my last podcast,this won't surprise you.
I got lost.
For those of you who know thedrive from Clearwater to St Pete
(15:29):
, it's one road.
Pretty difficult to get lost,but I did.
But I finally arrived at hisoffice and I sat down and told
him 35 years of trauma from thefirst traumatic event that I
have memory of, when I was sevenyears old was this childhood
sexual abuse to the last punchfrom my ex-husband when I was 35
(15:50):
.
I told him those stories like Iwas giving him directions to
the bank Zero emotion, all thename it claim it stuff in there.
He and I remember that firstappointment exactly the same.
I was smiling, I was upbeat.
I told him the story like I'mtelling it to you, maybe even in
some creative storytellinglanguage, but I essentially told
(16:13):
him with zero emotion.
I quoted my favorite name, itclaim it stuff.
I threw in my favorite verse,philippians 1.12.
I told him it was worth it allto me if somebody could get help
, that I really wanted God touse it.
And certainly that's still truetoday.
But he and I remember thatvisit when I sat down and just
(16:36):
literally told him thisremarkable body of trauma
without a single tear andwithout a single part of emotion
.
Many, many times when peoplewould ask me how I was doing and
some people who were in my lifeat that time would laugh when
they hear this.
But I was asked how I was doing, including when Dr Pettit asked
me how I was doing, my standardanswer was it's all good, and
(17:00):
that was my answer.
But what happened in his officethat day was a phenomenon that
is very familiar and arehallmarks for PTSD and in some
ways both of these areinterchangeable detachment
versus disassociation.
And so, in form of detachment,I was telling Dr Pettit the
story as though it happened tosomebody else and not as though
(17:24):
it happened to me, and thedisassociation part is also a
little bit of that, but it'salso some of it I've left out, I
forgot, and I've rememberedthose things as I've healed.
That disassociation part hascertainly gotten better and so
had my appointment and droveback.
I had already moved intoChrissy's by then.
(17:46):
He told me that he would see mein a week.
I was so happy to be out ofthat dark apartment.
Chrissy was super, super nice,had plenty of space for me, I
was comfortable at her house.
But I had this really, reallyunfamiliar feeling.
And it wasn't a bad feeling andI didn't want to medicate it,
(18:06):
but it was a confusing feeling.
It was a warm feeling, it was afuzzy feeling.
It was almost a feeling likeyou feel like when somebody
gives you a big hug that youwant.
You guys remember hugs during apandemic.
Anybody remember hugs.
That's what it felt like.
Later I would find out thatthat feeling was safety.
I was safe for the first timesince leaving the children's
(18:29):
home.
Although I'm not sure that Iwould have been able to identify
it at that time, I hadexperienced what that feeling
was.
In fact, I know I couldn't haveidentified it at that time.
I had experienced a lot of painand really tried to process some
of the pain in that darkapartment, and so many of those
nights and even days had beenfilled with such terror and
(18:53):
attempts to soothe that terrorwith medicine all the time.
And that medicine, albeitprescribed, I just didn't follow
the directions.
There's an old saying if youhave a problem with addiction
and whether my addiction wastemporary, to deal with
temporary pain or whether it's alegitimate addiction is
inconsequential.
But there's an old saying whenyou're trying to self-medicate
(19:14):
which is absolutely a hallmarkof a PTSD patient one pill is
too many and 10,000 is notenough.
And so, even while at Chrissy'sbecause I felt safe, everything
got worse.
The night terrors got worse,the lack of sleep got worse, all
of it got worse.
The pain was real and I wasjust trying to take as much
(19:36):
medicine as I could.
I was very comfortable there,but, like I said, the nights
just got worse and worse andworse and worse.
This confused me because Ididn't understand, but it is a
fairly understood phenomenon.
Now I was safe, and so, for thefirst time in a long time, my
body decided I'm done, and thatled to the night when I took
(19:58):
those non-clonopin to sleep.
I would find out later that DrPettit did not expect to see me
at a next appointment.
He fully expected the phonecall that he received from the
hospital.
As I mentioned, that firstnight in the hospital was the
best sleep that maybe I've everhad since.
When I woke up, though, theperson in the bed beside me was
(20:20):
different from the night before.
The night before there was anelderly lady there with dementia
, but this person was different.
I will never forget Stacey.
She didn't need to tell me whyshe was there, though the
bandages that covered herforearms both of them, told the
story for her.
That covered her forearms bothof them told the story for her.
That made me sad and she wasangry that she was there, and
(20:44):
apparently it arrived in themiddle of the night.
But I was just stunned as Istared at her forearms, where
she had tried to take her lifethe night before and had barely
made it to the hospital in time.
I was looking forward to thevisitation times.
There were two of them, one inthe morning and one in the
evening.
Almost all of my friends had towork, but Chrissy had a job
(21:09):
with some flexibility and shewas there every single time that
she was allowed to be.
I do want to stop right here fora second because when I look
back on this day and maybe youcan hear the emotion in my voice
, because it's a precious, itwas a precious time, but I want
to stop right here and pray forany of you.
Under the sound of my voice,you find yourself where I was.
(21:32):
I beg God that you have aCheryl.
I beg God that you have aChrissy.
I beg God that you have a ChrisDeWitt in your life and
honestly, those are just threepeople that I will introduce and
so many more that are part ofmy story.
I beg God that you wouldunderstand that I had all three
well, two of them in my lifebecause of that one decision to
(21:54):
go to that Bible study, becausethat one time God really gave me
the strength to not isolatethat one night.
Isolation is such a hallmark ofPTSD.
All I had to do was make thatdecision.
That one time, and even thoughI was traumatized boy, did I
(22:15):
ever, ever, ever reap thebenefits from that one decision.
And so, even though we aretraumatized and we have every
reason to make bad decisionswhen we have post-traumatic
stress disorder, we are going tobe a product of the
consequences of the decisions.
We made Two decisions, one ofthem I was helped to make, the
other one I wasn't but to go tocounseling.
(22:37):
But, more importantly, that onetime, not to isolate meant
everything, and it meant thatChrissy was my very first
visitor in the psych ward thatday.
She asked me what she couldbring me, and I asked for two
things I asked for my pajamasand I asked for my Bible and
(22:57):
those of you that know me knowthat the pajamas aren't a
surprise, but those of you thatlistened to my last podcast know
that I hadn't picked up a Biblein a while.
I paced the floors that morningwaiting for visitation time.
Food came and I just stared atit, didn't drink my coffee.
I couldn't wait to see Chrissy.
I was terrified.
(23:18):
I saw and heard things therethat I still can't forget.
I remember a distinct feeling offreedom, though it truly did
not matter who expected me to dowhat, where or what speed.
Every single aspect of my life,or the expectation of my life,
were in the hands of the doctorswho had diagnosed me with the
most severe form of PTSD, stillcurrently on the books.
(23:40):
I was truly shocked.
I was sure that waiting it out,getting up every time I got
punched, I was convinced that myefforts would lead to a brain
not tormented by trauma.
I use the word trauma a lot, insome ways as an important that.
I remember it even todaybecause it was doing a number on
(24:01):
me for sure.
It took me a long time tounderstand, to let myself off of
that hook that I kept puttingmyself on this.
Swallow your pride, get better,get up.
I was throwing the ownChristian cliches at me, as I
mentioned before the verses Many, many times, I put my hands to
(24:22):
the plow and attempted to dosomething else and didn't look
back.
It didn't feel like I wasinheriting the kingdom of God.
Though Chrissy got there.
I was sad to see her leave thatmorning, but that night she
returned along with a bunch ofpeople.
I was only allowed two visitorsat a time.
About ten of them would show upand they had to come see me.
In shifts, stacey and I hung outtogether, along with some of
(24:44):
the other patients that were infor the same reasons as us PTSD,
anxiety and depression.
One of the reasons why it wasso scary was because the
hospital was doing construction,and so they had combined
patients with anxiety anddepression with some patients
who had more severe disordersthat often required outbursts,
(25:08):
that were scary and lots ofwitness scenes of shots of
Haldol, and so it was terrifying.
So this group of us that werein this anxiety, depression,
ptsd hung together, and soStacey and I were in that group.
Oddly, I wanted to write, andso when I asked for a pencil,
they gave me this it still makesme laugh.
(25:30):
They gave me this dull pencilthat was about an inch long.
It's not at all funny, but Iremember trying to write with
that pencil.
It was hilarious.
Stacey scooted her chair besideme and asked me what I was doing
, and I told her I was justjournaling.
She pointed to my Bible and shesaid does that help you?
She asked me and I looked upand I knew it was a moment, and,
(25:56):
regardless of how broken I felt, how mad I was at God, how
confused I was, I knew it was amoment, so I talked to her about
God and our stories, and I keptwatching her.
She kept looking down at myBible, and she kept it like it
was going to give her somethingthat she needed.
It was the Bible that I boughtwhen I fled my marriage.
(26:16):
It was pretty special to me.
She asked me how to read theBible, and, of course, I hadn't
read mine in a while.
Suddenly, the teacher in mecame out, though, and so I
shared with her the birthdayverse idea.
I don't know where I got thebirthday verse idea.
I was sharing it with somebodyrecently, and I couldn't
remember who to give credit to.
(26:38):
I guess it's possible that Imade it up, but, for example,
your birthday verse is yourbirthday month and your birthday
.
So my birthday is December 1st,and so my birthday verse that I
picked is Romans 12.1.
So you go through the entireBible and you look up the month
and the day and you pick theverse that works for you, and so
(26:59):
I said to Stacey hey, what'syour birthday?
She said my birthday is onHalloween.
I said, okay, well, let's startin Matthew, chapter 10, verse
31.
So I opened my Bible to Matthew, chapter 10, verse 31, and
here's the verse that God gaveStacy and me Do not be afraid,
(27:21):
you are worth more than manysparrows.
Stacy told me that she wanted tobelieve, that she would make
eye contact with me, but lookeddown and played with the frayed
parts on her bandages on herwrists.
I could tell you this I wasweighing over my head because I
wasn't even sure I believed herbirthday verse.
We were both terrified.
(27:42):
Neither of us believed we werevaluable.
I still fully, though,understood the gravity of that
moment.
I told her what I could abouthow much I loved Jesus, in spite
of the fact that I was sittingin the psych ward after taking
too much medicine to sleep.
She asked me if I was trying tokill myself, and, with a clear
conscience, I told her I wasn't.
(28:03):
But I also told her that Iwasn't a super fan of staying on
the planet either, but that Iunderstood that Jesus could walk
me there.
I told Stacy that I struggledunderstanding that I was
valuable to him, more valuablethan a little old bird that he
loves.
I watched a sparrow just thismorning on my porch, and I was
(28:24):
reminded of this again, how muchhe loves the sparrows.
I told her.
I said I don't understand,stacy, how I'm valuable, how all
these things happen, but I knowyou're valuable, how I'm
valuable, how all these thingshappen.
But I know you're valuable andI know I'm valuable and we don't
have to be afraid.
(28:44):
I told her I plan to keepfighting.
I really wanted to tell her thatI was fighting because I
believed I was worth something,but while I believed that verse
in my head, I could not makethat truth stay in my head.
I told her I was going to fight.
I was going to fight for thepeople that love me, and maybe
somewhere along the way I couldfight for myself too.
And I told her if you need tofight for somebody else right
now, you fight for them.
(29:05):
You'll fight for you at somepoint.
One day we'll both realize howvaluable we are.
I told her I was borrowing thefaith of my friends because I
was having a hard time findingmy own, but I knew it was there.
I told her I was borrowing thefaith of my friends because I
was having a hard time findingmy own, but I knew it was there.
I told her that my faith wasn'tweak because I was in the same
place as she was in the psychward, but that God's promises
(29:25):
were strong.
The reality is I had beatmyself up plenty of times and I
felt weak.
I didn't feel valuable.
As I continue to mention, Ipreached Bible verses to myself,
so often misused in these cases.
I was tired of putting my handto the plow.
I was tired of working hard toforget and move on, only to have
one more burden placed on me.
(29:46):
I needed to look back, andsitting in that psych ward
forced me to do that.
I told her that both of uscould work on understanding and
accepting our value and givingsome respect to the pain that
landed us in that hospital.
The deepest part of me then, andespecially now, believes that I
am valuable, but I have to bereminded.
(30:07):
It is where I get attacked, theplace that exhibits a self and
behavior that results in nottaking care of myself, not
eating just all kinds of stuffthat I just have to do every day
.
That's, for some of you, asecond nature.
She asked me if she could havethat Bible and when she got out
of the hospital three daysbefore I did, she took it with
her.
I continued to think aboutStacy and her birthday verse and
(30:30):
the promise written there, eventhough it felt like I was
talking to thin air.
I threw out some words to God,asking him to give me the will
to live.
I did not have it.
I also believe the beautifuldescriptions of heaven and even
now envisioning arriving inheaven and getting this big,
giant welcome hug from Jesus, socomforting to me.
(30:53):
I was then, and in some cases amnow, so tired and weary from
the constant bouts and thatboxing ring that just kept
layering trauma atop of trauma.
Every day, we would all line upat the door of the doctor's as
they came on the psych ward andwe all hoped that that day would
be the day they would releaseus.
Day after day, they would tellme one more day, and then that
(31:15):
day came and I was still there.
Chrissy came every time shecould, and so did others.
It was hard not to see theconcern in all of their faces,
but it seemed like there wassomething that they weren't
telling me.
Finally, after five days,chrissy told me to eat at
mealtimes and maybe they wouldlet me go home.
I had continued to spend dayspushing the food around on my
(31:37):
plate, leaving it right where Ifound it.
I started attempting to eat andor got good at hiding it, and
finally they let me out of thehospital.
I walked out the doors of thehospital and across the street
was the Pallis County Courthouse, and on the way home, I found
out what they were not tellingme.
While I was in the hospital, myex-husband sent a series of
(32:00):
emails with threats to kill mein some of the most graphic ways
you can imagine, and whatevercommunication God and I were
having over that whole valuething was gone, because I simply
could not understand why hecould not give me a break.
I was done.
I went home with a stack ofmedication and I plan to use it
too.
Hey, everybody.
(32:23):
So I do hope that that episodewas helpful to you.
It's a little difficult tolisten back to it if I'm telling
you the truth.
That being said, I look back onthose days and I am so grateful
for such an amazing God who hidme under the shadow of his
wings.
(32:43):
And so, as I continue to tellthe story as we get closer to
the fifth anniversary of theWednesdays with Watson podcast,
I hope that you know that thereis such hope that the story
isn't over yet.
The story wasn't over when Itold it then and the story isn't
over now.
These days, I find myselfworking on one of those psych
(33:04):
units, working with patientsexactly like me who needs to
hide in the shadow of theirwings of protection because
their lives have just not toldthe story of really just wanting
to be on the planet.
But I am here to tell you thatyou are worth fighting for.
(33:29):
This planet would be badwithout you.
And as I continue to tell mystory and you continue to find
out in two weeks what happenedwith those threatening emails, I
do hope that you willunderstand that you can be safe
in his arms.
So until two weeks, when webring you the third or fourth
episode, remember what I'm goingto say Always you are seen, you
(33:55):
are known, you are heard, youare loved, you are valued.
You pick me up and you let me catch my breath.
Lord, you never condemn, nevermake a list of wrongs.
In the light of your goodness,all the fear I've known is gone.
I'm safe in your arms, yourarms of love.
(00:29):
Safe in your arms, your arms oflove.
Hey everybody, and welcome backto the Wednesdays with Watson
podcast.
It is February of 2025.
We are barely getting closeApril to the fifth anniversary
(00:54):
of the Wednesdays with Watsonpodcast.
I have often dubbed it mypandemic project.
Don't we all remember those twoweeks to flatten the curve?
I started this podcast duringthose two weeks because I wanted
people to understand PTSD, Iwanted them to understand trauma
(01:15):
and I wanted to get bettermyself.
And so I got behind thismicrophone and I began to tell
my story.
And those first four or fiveepisodes in particular were
impactful and they tell thestory of how I spent five days
(01:37):
myself in a psychiatric hospitalfor a suicide attempt and a
complete nervous breakdown.
I talk about my roommate, stacythere, that I met.
We called this episode SafeEnough to Fall Apart, and I love
this song by Josh Baldwin SafeEnough, safe in your Arms.
(02:00):
And so guys, enjoy thisthrowback episode as I continue
to tell my story, and hopefullysomebody will pick up this
episode instead of having tobury it or find it buried deep,
deep, deep in the podcastepisodes.
So this is an episode that wecalled safe enough to fall apart
.
Come back in two weeks and youwill get the rest of the story.
(02:26):
A bad feeling, and I didn't wantto medicate it.
It was a confusing feeling.
It was a warm feeling, it was afuzzy feeling, it was a almost
(02:49):
a feeling like you feel likewhen somebody gives you a big
hug that you want.
That's what it felt like.
Later, I would find out thatthat feeling was safety, for the
first time since leaving thechildren's home.
Hey, everybody, and welcomeback to Wednesdays with Watson.
(03:15):
My name is Amy Watson, I amyour host, and I am so grateful
that you have returned to spendsome time with us.
Today.
We've named this first seasonof our podcast PTSD, jesus and
Me, and I oftentimes just reallyfeel the need to tell you guys
that, because these things areso important and the end of my
(03:38):
story, which is really youhearing my voice right now and
hearing what the Lord has donein my life and healing of
complex post-traumatic stressdisorder.
Certainly, though, that wouldnot be possible without what I
have dubbed as the three C's andthe start of my story, and my
church, obviously, and my faithin Jesus, my community and also
(04:01):
trauma-informed counseling.
And so I will never apologizeabout saying that every single
week, because it is absolutelyimpossible to tell a story,
fiction or non, without tellingyou about the hero, and
certainly, while God providedmany heroes along the way by way
of community, he absolutely isthe star of my story.
This podcast has already beenso rewarding and so interesting
(04:25):
to me.
It is a hybrid of my tellingyou the story of my journey of
being diagnosed withpost-traumatic stress disorder,
but it is told in story form andwhile you don't need to have
listened to the podcast beforeit, it might be good for you to
go back and listen or, excuse me, listen to those, but it's not
(04:47):
necessary because I aminterrogating, telling you my
story and my journey of thediagnosis and treatment of PTSD,
along with some science of PTSD, to help you understand this
phenomenon that is really waymore common than I think any of
us know.
(05:07):
One of the most popularquestions that I continue to
receive from the podcast isreally asked in various forms,
but really the question is thesame is how do I know if I have
PTSD?
Certainly I am a patient.
I am not an expert, I am not adoctor.
(05:27):
I almost have a minor inpsychology from college, but all
I can tell you is about myjourney.
But I will tell you that ifyou're asking me if you have
PTSD, I think my answer to youat that point is inconsequential
because clearly there's areason why you're asking that
question.
So, by way of talking a littlebit before we pick up where we
(05:52):
left off as a cliffhanger I'msure most of you love me for
that Before we pick up where weleft off there, one of the
things that might help us allunderstand is really what is
this definition of trauma andwhy do some people experience
the same trauma and have zeroeffect?
(06:14):
And some people can see orexperience that same trauma and
be heavily affected, many timesin the form of a diagnosis of
post-traumatic stress disorder.
And it really depends on whoyou ask.
And certainly there is a place,a prominent place, for biblical
counseling when we talk aboutPTSD, and that school of thought
(06:38):
many times and I don't thinkit's a wrong one many times will
define trauma as aninterpretive disorder, meaning
the way we receive the traumaticevent and understand that could
be anything from witnessing acar accident to being in a car
accident, to being in war, tobeing on the front lines in a
hospital.
(06:58):
Many, many different things cancause trauma when our
perception is that we are notsafe, or that we physically are
not safe, or that we seesomething.
Many people that survived 9-11clearly suffered from PTSD
because of the atrocities theysaw on that day.
But oftentimes trauma affectsus in many different ways.
(07:21):
Physiologically, we're alldifferent.
Certainly, the lens in which weview things, view things that
come into our lives, experiencesthat we have had going into
seeing that all are going tocolor what affects us.
But the fact of the matter isis that if you're asking me that
question, my answer to you isboth largely uneducated and
(07:43):
inconsequential, because itmeans you're hurting and it does
mean that there's somethingjumping up and down that needs
to be addressed.
While we're talking aboutquestions coming in to me on the
podcast, there are a coupleways you can do that and I will
list those at the end of thepodcast, which includes all of
my social media platforms inaddition to my website.
(08:06):
But I'd like to pick up fromwhen we last spent time together
.
When we last spent timetogether, I left off telling
this story about how my friendCheryl had taken me to the
emergency room.
I checked myself in to beadmitted to the psych ward, and
when I left you last, cheryl hadleft me behind those locked
doors and that psych ward.
(08:27):
But before I pick up on thatstory, I want to back up a bit,
because it is my desire,obviously, for this podcast, for
you to know the whole story andfor you to get a front row seat
to the healing that has beendescribed to me by more than one
person.
Amy, the healing that we'veseen you, just since we've known
(08:50):
you, the healing that we seeGod has performed in your life,
really is akin to someonebeating stage four cancer, and
so that is not something thatI've ever taken lightly, and I
do understand that.
I am recording this podcasttoday because of so many things
that happen and help youunderstand why, really, we
(09:10):
believe that that was the timethat my body decided to give up
and that was the time that Ineeded to be in the hospital,
(09:32):
and so I mentioned to you bothChrissy and Cheryl, both of whom
I met at a Bible study afterleaving my marriage that was
filled with violence for 12years.
Chrissy was one of those people, and many of you listening to
this podcast know who Chrissy isand many times will hear me
refer to her as my sister,because that is in fact what she
(09:56):
is in my life, as well as herfamily.
But we didn't start that way.
Chrissy is perhaps one of themost shy people on the planet,
and so the fact that she evenreached out to me and that she
and I, when we met in Decemberof 2007 in life group, the fact
that she even went out of herway to come up to me and talk to
(10:17):
me about things that she knewwas important to me.
Like I remember distinctly, sheknew that I am a Jaguars fan
and y'all pray for me becauseit's a sickness, actually but
she had looked up informationabout the Jaguars and had
actually come to me in that lifegroup and had talked to me
about it, and so she and Ispent—we were inseparable that
following summer, just monthsbefore this all happened, and we
(10:41):
did everything together andbecame very close, and we did
everything together and becamevery close.
One day we were riding down theroad and I was still living in
that really dark 750 square footapartment that I continue to
call the ghetto, and I waslonely and it was depressing,
and I think she knew that.
And Chrissy, one day we werejust driving down the road and
she had had a conversation withher mom who you will refer me
(11:06):
here, often hear me refer to asMama Bootsy but she had asked
her mom if she should ask me tocome live with her and her mom
said yes, absolutely you should.
And so Chrissy went out on alimb one day we were driving
down the road and asked me if Iwould be interested in moving in
with her for a few months andI'm literally air quoting and
(11:27):
you'll find out why that'sreally funny later.
As I mentioned, she and I hadspent a lot, a lot of time
together after meeting at churchthat previous December.
Part of the story that willcome next, and maybe even in the
next podcast, will be fromChrissy, because there is a
perspective that she has thatshe could share with you.
(11:48):
For those of you who arelistening to this podcast,
because you love somebody withPTSD, I want you to have her
take on this part of the storyand so, but since it's my story.
I get to go first.
When I responded in theaffirmative that I would love to
move in with her for a couplemonths to save money, I even
surprised myself.
I thought she was going todrive off the road, though, and
(12:10):
she will tell you to this daythat she was terrified of asking
me to come live with her.
I guess, maybe I'm I don't knowguys, I guess I kind of give
off a Miss Independent vibe, ormaybe I did then, but either way
, she was pretty scared to askme, and I don't know why.
I don't think I'm scary at all,maybe I was.
Then, anyway, she and Inegotiated rent because I
(12:32):
refused to let her give meanything.
After all, I have beensupporting myself since I was
around seven, with the exceptionof the time that I was in the
children's home.
I have worked, and if I ate, itwas because I worked.
If I had shelter over my head,it was because I worked, and so
I wasn't going to let her giveme anything.
When I said that to her, though, she used some skill, and she
(12:52):
told me that, if I would go tocounseling and use the money for
counseling, that I could livewith her without paying rent.
I was not, and had never been upuntil that point, opposed to
counseling.
I just really failed to find agood one.
The best one that I knew was,and is one of my closest friends
, dr Krista Witt, and she wascertainly too close to the
(13:16):
situation and I wasn't beinghonest with her because I knew
that she would take me exactlywhere I was ending up on that
day.
But I took Chrissy up on thatand had my first appointment
with Dr Pettit right after Imoved in with her.
Chrissy trusted Dr Pettit andso I trusted him and really,
like when you guys continue tohear parts of my story, you will
(13:36):
understand that conventionalwisdom would have told me and
everybody who was advising menot to have a male counselor.
But when I walked in his officeI trusted him from the first
time I saw him.
He is a calm and gentle man andalso he's a Christian counselor
and he counsels from aChristian and a biblical
(13:58):
worldview.
But his office also felt safeto flesh out anger that maybe
didn't fit in the Bible andmaybe someone needed to be angry
with God, and so his officefelt safe.
I had never felt judged, alwaysended up somehow back at Jesus.
Some of the most recentresearch indicates to us that
(14:21):
people with a worldview that isbigger than we are and so for me
that is or God the recoverydoes appear to be higher and
(14:43):
faster, and so I had great hopewhen I was in his office,
because I felt like his officewas a place where we could do
both.
I could be honest and be angryand be confused about God and
still find some healing.
I certainly didn't know, though, most of this on that very
first visit, but I can 100%attest to that now.
(15:05):
But when I look back at thatfirst visit, it does give me an
opportunity to talk to you alittle bit about two very
important components ofpost-traumatic stress disorder.
The first time that I walked inhis office was I had been
teaching all day, drove fromClearwater to St Pete, and if
you listened to my last podcast,this won't surprise you.
I got lost.
For those of you who know thedrive from Clearwater to St Pete
(15:29):
, it's one road.
Pretty difficult to get lost,but I did.
But I finally arrived at hisoffice and I sat down and told
him 35 years of trauma from thefirst traumatic event that I
have memory of, when I was sevenyears old was this childhood
sexual abuse to the last punchfrom my ex-husband when I was 35
(15:50):
.
I told him those stories like Iwas giving him directions to
the bank Zero emotion, all thename it claim it stuff in there.
He and I remember that firstappointment exactly the same.
I was smiling, I was upbeat.
I told him the story like I'mtelling it to you, maybe even in
some creative storytellinglanguage, but I essentially told
(16:13):
him with zero emotion.
I quoted my favorite name, itclaim it stuff.
I threw in my favorite verse,philippians 1.12.
I told him it was worth it allto me if somebody could get help
, that I really wanted God touse it.
And certainly that's still truetoday.
But he and I remember thatvisit when I sat down and just
(16:36):
literally told him thisremarkable body of trauma
without a single tear andwithout a single part of emotion
.
Many, many times when peoplewould ask me how I was doing and
some people who were in my lifeat that time would laugh when
they hear this.
But I was asked how I was doing, including when Dr Pettit asked
me how I was doing, my standardanswer was it's all good, and
(17:00):
that was my answer.
But what happened in his officethat day was a phenomenon that
is very familiar and arehallmarks for PTSD and in some
ways both of these areinterchangeable detachment
versus disassociation.
And so, in form of detachment,I was telling Dr Pettit the
story as though it happened tosomebody else and not as though
(17:24):
it happened to me, and thedisassociation part is also a
little bit of that, but it'salso some of it I've left out, I
forgot, and I've rememberedthose things as I've healed.
That disassociation part hascertainly gotten better and so
had my appointment and droveback.
I had already moved intoChrissy's by then.
(17:46):
He told me that he would see mein a week.
I was so happy to be out ofthat dark apartment.
Chrissy was super, super nice,had plenty of space for me, I
was comfortable at her house.
But I had this really, reallyunfamiliar feeling.
And it wasn't a bad feeling andI didn't want to medicate it,
(18:06):
but it was a confusing feeling.
It was a warm feeling, it was afuzzy feeling.
It was almost a feeling likeyou feel like when somebody
gives you a big hug that youwant.
You guys remember hugs during apandemic.
Anybody remember hugs.
That's what it felt like.
Later I would find out thatthat feeling was safety.
I was safe for the first timesince leaving the children's
(18:29):
home.
Although I'm not sure that Iwould have been able to identify
it at that time, I hadexperienced what that feeling
was.
In fact, I know I couldn't haveidentified it at that time.
I had experienced a lot of painand really tried to process some
of the pain in that darkapartment, and so many of those
nights and even days had beenfilled with such terror and
(18:53):
attempts to soothe that terrorwith medicine all the time.
And that medicine, albeitprescribed, I just didn't follow
the directions.
There's an old saying if youhave a problem with addiction
and whether my addiction wastemporary, to deal with
temporary pain or whether it's alegitimate addiction is
inconsequential.
But there's an old saying whenyou're trying to self-medicate
(19:14):
which is absolutely a hallmarkof a PTSD patient one pill is
too many and 10,000 is notenough.
And so, even while at Chrissy'sbecause I felt safe, everything
got worse.
The night terrors got worse,the lack of sleep got worse, all
of it got worse.
The pain was real and I wasjust trying to take as much
(19:36):
medicine as I could.
I was very comfortable there,but, like I said, the nights
just got worse and worse andworse and worse.
This confused me because Ididn't understand, but it is a
fairly understood phenomenon.
Now I was safe, and so, for thefirst time in a long time, my
body decided I'm done, and thatled to the night when I took
(19:58):
those non-clonopin to sleep.
I would find out later that DrPettit did not expect to see me
at a next appointment.
He fully expected the phonecall that he received from the
hospital.
As I mentioned, that firstnight in the hospital was the
best sleep that maybe I've everhad since.
When I woke up, though, theperson in the bed beside me was
(20:20):
different from the night before.
The night before there was anelderly lady there with dementia
, but this person was different.
I will never forget Stacey.
She didn't need to tell me whyshe was there, though the
bandages that covered herforearms both of them, told the
story for her.
That covered her forearms bothof them told the story for her.
That made me sad and she wasangry that she was there, and
(20:44):
apparently it arrived in themiddle of the night.
But I was just stunned as Istared at her forearms, where
she had tried to take her lifethe night before and had barely
made it to the hospital in time.
I was looking forward to thevisitation times.
There were two of them, one inthe morning and one in the
evening.
Almost all of my friends had towork, but Chrissy had a job
(21:09):
with some flexibility and shewas there every single time that
she was allowed to be.
I do want to stop right here fora second because when I look
back on this day and maybe youcan hear the emotion in my voice
, because it's a precious, itwas a precious time, but I want
to stop right here and pray forany of you.
Under the sound of my voice,you find yourself where I was.
(21:32):
I beg God that you have aCheryl.
I beg God that you have aChrissy.
I beg God that you have a ChrisDeWitt in your life and
honestly, those are just threepeople that I will introduce and
so many more that are part ofmy story.
I beg God that you wouldunderstand that I had all three
well, two of them in my lifebecause of that one decision to
(21:54):
go to that Bible study, becausethat one time God really gave me
the strength to not isolatethat one night.
Isolation is such a hallmark ofPTSD.
All I had to do was make thatdecision.
That one time, and even thoughI was traumatized boy, did I
(22:15):
ever, ever, ever reap thebenefits from that one decision.
And so, even though we aretraumatized and we have every
reason to make bad decisionswhen we have post-traumatic
stress disorder, we are going tobe a product of the
consequences of the decisions.
We made Two decisions, one ofthem I was helped to make, the
other one I wasn't but to go tocounseling.
(22:37):
But, more importantly, that onetime, not to isolate meant
everything, and it meant thatChrissy was my very first
visitor in the psych ward thatday.
She asked me what she couldbring me, and I asked for two
things I asked for my pajamasand I asked for my Bible and
(22:57):
those of you that know me knowthat the pajamas aren't a
surprise, but those of you thatlistened to my last podcast know
that I hadn't picked up a Biblein a while.
I paced the floors that morningwaiting for visitation time.
Food came and I just stared atit, didn't drink my coffee.
I couldn't wait to see Chrissy.
I was terrified.
(23:18):
I saw and heard things therethat I still can't forget.
I remember a distinct feeling offreedom, though it truly did
not matter who expected me to dowhat, where or what speed.
Every single aspect of my life,or the expectation of my life,
were in the hands of the doctorswho had diagnosed me with the
most severe form of PTSD, stillcurrently on the books.
(23:40):
I was truly shocked.
I was sure that waiting it out,getting up every time I got
punched, I was convinced that myefforts would lead to a brain
not tormented by trauma.
I use the word trauma a lot, insome ways as an important that.
I remember it even todaybecause it was doing a number on
(24:01):
me for sure.
It took me a long time tounderstand, to let myself off of
that hook that I kept puttingmyself on this.
Swallow your pride, get better,get up.
I was throwing the ownChristian cliches at me, as I
mentioned before the verses Many, many times, I put my hands to
(24:22):
the plow and attempted to dosomething else and didn't look
back.
It didn't feel like I wasinheriting the kingdom of God.
Though Chrissy got there.
I was sad to see her leave thatmorning, but that night she
returned along with a bunch ofpeople.
I was only allowed two visitorsat a time.
About ten of them would show upand they had to come see me.
In shifts, stacey and I hung outtogether, along with some of
(24:44):
the other patients that were infor the same reasons as us PTSD,
anxiety and depression.
One of the reasons why it wasso scary was because the
hospital was doing construction,and so they had combined
patients with anxiety anddepression with some patients
who had more severe disordersthat often required outbursts,
(25:08):
that were scary and lots ofwitness scenes of shots of
Haldol, and so it was terrifying.
So this group of us that werein this anxiety, depression,
ptsd hung together, and soStacey and I were in that group.
Oddly, I wanted to write, andso when I asked for a pencil,
they gave me this it still makesme laugh.
(25:30):
They gave me this dull pencilthat was about an inch long.
It's not at all funny, but Iremember trying to write with
that pencil.
It was hilarious.
Stacey scooted her chair besideme and asked me what I was doing
, and I told her I was justjournaling.
She pointed to my Bible and shesaid does that help you?
She asked me and I looked upand I knew it was a moment, and,
(25:56):
regardless of how broken I felt, how mad I was at God, how
confused I was, I knew it was amoment, so I talked to her about
God and our stories, and I keptwatching her.
She kept looking down at myBible, and she kept it like it
was going to give her somethingthat she needed.
It was the Bible that I boughtwhen I fled my marriage.
(26:16):
It was pretty special to me.
She asked me how to read theBible, and, of course, I hadn't
read mine in a while.
Suddenly, the teacher in mecame out, though, and so I
shared with her the birthdayverse idea.
I don't know where I got thebirthday verse idea.
I was sharing it with somebodyrecently, and I couldn't
remember who to give credit to.
(26:38):
I guess it's possible that Imade it up, but, for example,
your birthday verse is yourbirthday month and your birthday
.
So my birthday is December 1st,and so my birthday verse that I
picked is Romans 12.1.
So you go through the entireBible and you look up the month
and the day and you pick theverse that works for you, and so
(26:59):
I said to Stacey hey, what'syour birthday?
She said my birthday is onHalloween.
I said, okay, well, let's startin Matthew, chapter 10, verse
31.
So I opened my Bible to Matthew, chapter 10, verse 31, and
here's the verse that God gaveStacy and me Do not be afraid,
(27:21):
you are worth more than manysparrows.
Stacy told me that she wanted tobelieve, that she would make
eye contact with me, but lookeddown and played with the frayed
parts on her bandages on herwrists.
I could tell you this I wasweighing over my head because I
wasn't even sure I believed herbirthday verse.
We were both terrified.
(27:42):
Neither of us believed we werevaluable.
I still fully, though,understood the gravity of that
moment.
I told her what I could abouthow much I loved Jesus, in spite
of the fact that I was sittingin the psych ward after taking
too much medicine to sleep.
She asked me if I was trying tokill myself, and, with a clear
conscience, I told her I wasn't.
(28:03):
But I also told her that Iwasn't a super fan of staying on
the planet either, but that Iunderstood that Jesus could walk
me there.
I told Stacy that I struggledunderstanding that I was
valuable to him, more valuablethan a little old bird that he
loves.
I watched a sparrow just thismorning on my porch, and I was
(28:24):
reminded of this again, how muchhe loves the sparrows.
I told her.
I said I don't understand,stacy, how I'm valuable, how all
these things happen, but I knowyou're valuable, how I'm
valuable, how all these thingshappen.
But I know you're valuable andI know I'm valuable and we don't
have to be afraid.
(28:44):
I told her I plan to keepfighting.
I really wanted to tell her thatI was fighting because I
believed I was worth something,but while I believed that verse
in my head, I could not makethat truth stay in my head.
I told her I was going to fight.
I was going to fight for thepeople that love me, and maybe
somewhere along the way I couldfight for myself too.
And I told her if you need tofight for somebody else right
now, you fight for them.
(29:05):
You'll fight for you at somepoint.
One day we'll both realize howvaluable we are.
I told her I was borrowing thefaith of my friends because I
was having a hard time findingmy own, but I knew it was there.
I told her I was borrowing thefaith of my friends because I
was having a hard time findingmy own, but I knew it was there.
I told her that my faith wasn'tweak because I was in the same
place as she was in the psychward, but that God's promises
(29:25):
were strong.
The reality is I had beatmyself up plenty of times and I
felt weak.
I didn't feel valuable.
As I continue to mention, Ipreached Bible verses to myself,
so often misused in these cases.
I was tired of putting my handto the plow.
I was tired of working hard toforget and move on, only to have
one more burden placed on me.
(29:46):
I needed to look back, andsitting in that psych ward
forced me to do that.
I told her that both of uscould work on understanding and
accepting our value and givingsome respect to the pain that
landed us in that hospital.
The deepest part of me then, andespecially now, believes that I
am valuable, but I have to bereminded.
(30:07):
It is where I get attacked, theplace that exhibits a self and
behavior that results in nottaking care of myself, not
eating just all kinds of stuffthat I just have to do every day
.
That's, for some of you, asecond nature.
She asked me if she could havethat Bible and when she got out
of the hospital three daysbefore I did, she took it with
her.
I continued to think aboutStacy and her birthday verse and
(30:30):
the promise written there, eventhough it felt like I was
talking to thin air.
I threw out some words to God,asking him to give me the will
to live.
I did not have it.
I also believe the beautifuldescriptions of heaven and even
now envisioning arriving inheaven and getting this big,
giant welcome hug from Jesus, socomforting to me.
(30:53):
I was then, and in some cases amnow, so tired and weary from
the constant bouts and thatboxing ring that just kept
layering trauma atop of trauma.
Every day, we would all line upat the door of the doctor's as
they came on the psych ward andwe all hoped that that day would
be the day they would releaseus.
Day after day, they would tellme one more day, and then that
(31:15):
day came and I was still there.
Chrissy came every time shecould, and so did others.
It was hard not to see theconcern in all of their faces,
but it seemed like there wassomething that they weren't
telling me.
Finally, after five days,chrissy told me to eat at
mealtimes and maybe they wouldlet me go home.
I had continued to spend dayspushing the food around on my
(31:37):
plate, leaving it right where Ifound it.
I started attempting to eat andor got good at hiding it, and
finally they let me out of thehospital.
I walked out the doors of thehospital and across the street
was the Pallis County Courthouse, and on the way home, I found
out what they were not tellingme.
While I was in the hospital, myex-husband sent a series of
(32:00):
emails with threats to kill mein some of the most graphic ways
you can imagine, and whatevercommunication God and I were
having over that whole valuething was gone, because I simply
could not understand why hecould not give me a break.
I was done.
I went home with a stack ofmedication and I plan to use it
too.
Hey, everybody.
(32:23):
So I do hope that that episodewas helpful to you.
It's a little difficult tolisten back to it if I'm telling
you the truth.
That being said, I look back onthose days and I am so grateful
for such an amazing God who hidme under the shadow of his
wings.
(32:43):
And so, as I continue to tellthe story as we get closer to
the fifth anniversary of theWednesdays with Watson podcast,
I hope that you know that thereis such hope that the story
isn't over yet.
The story wasn't over when Itold it then and the story isn't
over now.
These days, I find myselfworking on one of those psych
(33:04):
units, working with patientsexactly like me who needs to
hide in the shadow of theirwings of protection because
their lives have just not toldthe story of really just wanting
to be on the planet.
But I am here to tell you thatyou are worth fighting for.
(33:29):
This planet would be badwithout you.
And as I continue to tell mystory and you continue to find
out in two weeks what happenedwith those threatening emails, I
do hope that you willunderstand that you can be safe
in his arms.
So until two weeks, when webring you the third or fourth
episode, remember what I'm goingto say Always you are seen, you
(33:55):
are known, you are heard, youare loved, you are valued.
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