Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:12):
Hey everybody and welcome back to the Wednesdays
with Watson podcast.
It has been about a month sincewe have dropped an episode and
we're coming back with someschedule, regular schedule every
two weeks soon.
As some of you know, those ofyou that are following the
journey, I am at the end of mydoctoral journey and am hoping
to finish soon in the nextcouple weeks.
(00:35):
But interestingly enough, thatis what today is about.
Today I'm going to share withyou just a journey that I have
been going through over the lastcouple weeks as it pertains to
my dissertation.
It has been a few weeks that mybody has been ruled by anxiety.
My aura ring is yelling at mebecause when anxiety, when my
(00:57):
anxiety met the red pen of mydissertation chair, it turned
into something that it justisn't.
Because you see, Satan wanted meto think that correction is
equal to rejection.
So we're going to talk aboutthat today.
Let's drop into this episodewhere I'm just talking a little
bit about this process and thelast couple weeks and what the
(01:20):
Lord is teaching me through it.
So if you have ever beenblindsided by something that um
I don't know, maybe it's atiming thing, I don't know.
But when your plan did not go asyou planned in your head and had
it all perfectly scripted, thatfall, if you will, that knock
upside the head can be painfuland it can be hard to navigate.
(01:42):
And so if that's you, maybe youcan relate to this episode
today.
So let's drop into this episode.
When anxiety meets the red pen,correction is not equal to
rejection.
(02:05):
Alright, guys, if I had my way,I would not be here recording
this episode for you.
If things had gone as planned,I'd be telling you about how I
was gonna defend my dissertationtoday on October the 15th.
I still kind of remember when Iwas meeting with my chair just a
couple weeks ago and she verydemonstratively erased this date
(02:28):
off of her calendar, indicatingthat I was nowhere near ready to
defend it.
And that took me on a journey,so instead of defending my
dissertation today, I'm droppingthis episode about a journey
that has been so different thanI thought it would be.
I am still working on therevisions that the chair sent
back to me.
(02:49):
I do not have a defense date.
And when people ask me about it,I'm just kind of giving them the
standard answer is that I amlearning so much through this
process.
I am trying really hard toembrace what the Lord is trying
to teach me and what life justteaches in these situations.
And maybe for the 110 billiontime, I am leaning into what it
(03:12):
means to walk by faith and notby sight.
I did think that the hardestpart of this doctoral journey
would be the research.
The writing didn't s necessarilyscare me, but formatting those
little detailed things, I reallyfelt like that was gonna be kind
of the thing that sent me overthe edge.
But it turns out the hardestpart of this process has been
(03:33):
waiting, wondering what's goingon in that head of my
dissertation chair and whatshe's coming back, and is she
going to move the goalpostagain?
And so for me, Satan has usedthis where anxiety has just
creeped in and has ruled me forthe better part of two weeks.
All the lies.
If it's taking this long, thatmeans I'm not good enough.
(03:53):
I am defined, the lies want meto believe, by this
dissertation.
And the opposite is true too.
If I would have defended today,it would not have meant that I
was good enough, because yousee, I am already good enough.
As a Sangira, I I w I don't needyou I I can't let you down
because I you were never liftingme up because I've never been
(04:17):
more loved than I am right now.
And so I'm learning that myvalue is not connected to my
performance, and I've said thaton this uh on this podcast so
many times.
But anxiety is rule making therules, and Satan is after me in
the sense that every time I openan email, my heart races.
Every feedback from my chairfeels incredibly personal.
(04:41):
And in my head, I know it's notsupposed to.
I teach people about this allthe time.
In my head, I know thatcorrection doesn't equal
rejection.
But as I've also talked about onthis podcast, and there are
scientific reasons for this,that anxiety doesn't listen to
logic.
When our brains are being ruledby anxiety, we can't capture the
truth to calm down our nervoussystems.
(05:04):
And that's kind of rich comingfrom me, somebody that talks
about nervous system regulation,that talks about anxiety, that
talks about trauma, that talksabout PTSD, and as a rule, am
living victoriously with it.
But sometimes victory looks likestepping back into those dark
places, those dark corners whererejection happened as such a
young child, and now whensomething's not perfect, it
(05:27):
feels like a rejection on me asa human being.
It's funny, isn't it?
I'm writing abouttrauma-informed care, I talk
about it, I talk aboutattachment, I talk about how we
learn through relationships, andhere I am learning in real time
what it means to literally begrasping onto God's truth
because my emotions are runningoff with debilitating fear.
(05:50):
Because as I mentioned, anxietytells me that every single
correction on this dissertationmeans failure.
It means I suck as a humanbeing, that I can't contribute
to society.
It means everything is whatSatan wants me to believe.
Satan wants me to believe thatevery delay means that I'm
falling behind.
Satan wants me to believe thatif I were truly capable, this
(06:12):
process wouldn't be so hard.
And that voice of anxiety isexhausting.
You'll probably hear it in myvoice.
It's paralyzing.
It keeps me from doing the verything that I have worked so hard
to do, which is just finish.
Right?
So I I sit and I ruminate and itgoes round and round in my head,
and nothing is getting done.
(06:32):
And I share this personalepisode because I know that
there's somebody under the soundof my voice that was had a date
on their calendar.
I am doing this on this date,and this will be over, and I
will move on, and God said no.
Maybe you've been there too,waiting on something terrified.
That silence means rejection,and rejection has this value
(06:57):
meter, if you will, on you, andthat you don't mean anything if
God said no.
If you've been rejected forsomething that you really
wanted.
You feel like maybe that God'sdelay means denial.
And you certainly might feellike I do, that correction means
that you're just not goodenough.
Not that you're simply human andyou're not going to be perfect.
(07:23):
But here's what I'm learning inthis unexpected waiting.
Is that God's correction isnever rejection.
He can't reject us, right?
There are 365 times in the Biblewhere he says, I will never
leave you or forsake you.
Fear not.
365 fear not.
And one of them is, I will neverleave you or forsake you.
(07:48):
So God's correction is never,ever, ever, ever rejection.
He can't reject you.
Men can and will reject us, andthat hurts, and that's okay.
But not the God of the universe.
He is literally incapable ofrejecting you.
(08:11):
And you literally have neverbeen more loved than you are
right now.
So when I look at scripture, wesee a savior who still
corrected, right?
Meaning we are not perfect,we're going to need to be
corrected.
Jesus corrected out ofcompassion.
For example, when Peter jumpedout of the boat and was walking
(08:33):
on the water and all was good,and then he took his eyes off of
Jesus and he fell into thewater.
Jesus didn't shame Peter formaking that mistake.
He reached out for him.
I've said so often that shamewants you to believe that you
are the mistake.
Not that you made a mistake.
(08:55):
And if I'm being honest, I'vedealt with some shame related to
this delay in my dissertationbecause for some reason in the
back of my head I think thatpeople love me because I am
doing this, and that peoplepeople, people, people are in my
head.
And really, it doesn't matterbecause I don't need to feel
(09:16):
shame.
I don't need to feelembarrassment.
I didn't even make a mistake,and so shame has no place here.
Jesus also didn't scold Marthafor serving, right?
I I would have been Martha.
Moving around, bouncing off thewalls, doing the things, people
getting tired, just looking atme.
(09:39):
But he didn't shame her forserving, he just simply invited
her.
To sit, to be quiet, to learnfrom him, to serve, to be
served.
Jesus also didn't reject Thomasfor doubting.
Jesus actually invited him overand said, touch my side, touch
(10:02):
my hands, touch my feet.
He didn't reject Thomas fordoubting.
He met and then it.
Every correction that Jesusoffered was an act of love, not
condemnation.
And maybe that's what he's doingwith all of us.
Gently redirecting, softlyrefining.
(10:25):
Teaching us that no, it mightjust be a not yet.
And here's the thing, here'ssomething that I can't even go
to in my head.
What if I got all the way hereand God said you're not supposed
to finish your dissertation?
I can't even think what thatwould feel like, but I would
(10:46):
hope that I would find myself inthe loving arms of Jesus whose
ways are higher than my ways,whose thoughts are higher than
mine.
If I'm honest, this wholeprocess has become less about
earning this degree at thispoint and more about learning to
depend on Jesus.
I will always look back on thistime and say that was the time
(11:09):
that I literally got sent to myknees because there was no way
that I made it through any ofthat without Jesus.
So it requires this faith thatdoesn't always look like
confidence.
Sometimes faith looks likeshowing up anyway, opening the
laptop, going to the document,changing the things.
(11:30):
Sometimes it means showing upwith a shaky hand and a
cluttered mind, believing thatGod is still writing the story.
Even though I can't see theending right now, even though I
don't have a defense date.
God is still writing that story.
And I'm just thinking of thatsong by Shane and Shane, as I
wait for you, as I wait for you,Lord.
(11:51):
Help me to learn what you needme to learn.
As I wait for that defense date,I am realizing something.
Maybe the real defense I'mpreparing for is not for my
dissertation.
Maybe it's for the defense of myheart, learning to defend it
against the lies that Satan saysthat I'm not good enough and
that my value is attached tothis.
(12:14):
Maybe I'm learning to defend itagainst the lies that say my
worth is tied to my performance.
Everybody that knows me knowsthis is my besetting sin.
Thinking that my performancemakes me valuable and makes
people love me.
Really, all I need to do is getup in the morning to be
valuable.
(12:35):
Because I've said so many timeson this podcast to all of you,
and sometimes I have to preachit to myself.
I am seen, known, heard, loved,and valued.
Regardless of the letters behindmy name, I was that on the very
first day I took a breath when Ihadn't done anything in this
(12:56):
world except be born.
You too.
You have been valuable since Godmade a made a way for you to be
a life.
Before you were ever able toperform one single thing, you
already had immense value thatwould never increase and never
(13:17):
decrease to God.
And that is crazy to think aboutthat I just need to get up and
breathe.
And my value to God stays rightthere at the pinnacle of value.
Because I've never been moreloved than I am right now, and
that's true of you too.
(13:39):
So today, instead of standing infront of a committee, I am
sitting in front of that laptopthat I gotta get on when I'm
done recording this episode.
I'm behind this microphone,reminding you and reminding me
that correction does not equalrejection.
(14:00):
That these revisions on mydissertation is a lesson that
God is teaching to me for agreater life lesson, that I am
not what I do, but I am theprecious daughter of the Most
High God.
That anxiety does not have thefinal word.
(14:21):
That delay doesn't mean defeat.
And that hope is still alive,even when the timeline looks
different than we planned.
Guys, maybe your October 15thlooks different too.
Maybe the thing that you thoughtwould happen hasn't.
Maybe you're waiting and thewaiting hurts.
(14:43):
And maybe you don't feelvaluable to God because you're
still waiting.
But I promise you this.
He who began a good work in youwill complete it until the day
of Christ Jesus.
I love that verse.
It takes me back to 1990, June6, 1990, actually.
When I walked across the stagefrom my high school graduation
(15:07):
and got my diploma from DadMcGallan, and behind us was a
banner that said, He who began agood work in you will complete
it until the day of ChristJesus.
On that hot summer day in Tampa,Florida, that verse meant to me
that God had saved me fromabandonment, neglect, and abuse,
(15:27):
and firmly placed me at thechildren's home where people
loved me, and that God wouldcontinue that good work.
And now, 35 years later, we seeall that God has done.
All of my life, he has beenfaithful.
All of my life, he has been soso good.
(15:47):
He's not going to stop now, andhe's not gonna stop for you
either.
Because he's not the god whoabandons us.
He's not the god who abandonsthe process.
As Mama Gallen taught me thatverse, he is the God who
perfects it.
I will perfect all that.
(16:08):
So, still waiting for thatdefense.
But in the meantime, I'll behere.
Learning to rest, learning totrust, learning to let Jesus
hold me steady when anxietytakes over.
And that's what I wanted toshare with you today.
Not from a defense podium, butfrom my heart.
(16:30):
This promise of God that we'venever been more loved than we
are right now, and that when hecorrects us, it doesn't mean
that he rejects us.
And when people on this planetcorrect us, it doesn't define
our value.
This is the hope of thecompleted work of Jesus Christ.
(16:52):
This is real, this is grounded,this is graced.
So hope.
Only because of the star.
I hope this has encouragedsomebody here today, that all of
us would walk in the promise ofwho we are in this type of an
(17:13):
almighty guy.
SPEAKER_02 (17:15):
We are seeing never been more loved.
Hey everybody and welcome back to the Wednesdays
with Watson podcast.
It has been about a month sincewe have dropped an episode and
we're coming back with someschedule, regular schedule every
two weeks soon.
As some of you know, those ofyou that are following the
journey, I am at the end of mydoctoral journey and am hoping
to finish soon in the nextcouple weeks.
(00:35):
But interestingly enough, thatis what today is about.
Today I'm going to share withyou just a journey that I have
been going through over the lastcouple weeks as it pertains to
my dissertation.
It has been a few weeks that mybody has been ruled by anxiety.
My aura ring is yelling at mebecause when anxiety, when my
(00:57):
anxiety met the red pen of mydissertation chair, it turned
into something that it justisn't.
Because you see, Satan wanted meto think that correction is
equal to rejection.
So we're going to talk aboutthat today.
Let's drop into this episodewhere I'm just talking a little
bit about this process and thelast couple weeks and what the
(01:20):
Lord is teaching me through it.
So if you have ever beenblindsided by something that um
I don't know, maybe it's atiming thing, I don't know.
But when your plan did not go asyou planned in your head and had
it all perfectly scripted, thatfall, if you will, that knock
upside the head can be painfuland it can be hard to navigate.
(01:42):
And so if that's you, maybe youcan relate to this episode
today.
So let's drop into this episode.
When anxiety meets the red pen,correction is not equal to
rejection.
(02:05):
Alright, guys, if I had my way,I would not be here recording
this episode for you.
If things had gone as planned,I'd be telling you about how I
was gonna defend my dissertationtoday on October the 15th.
I still kind of remember when Iwas meeting with my chair just a
couple weeks ago and she verydemonstratively erased this date
(02:28):
off of her calendar, indicatingthat I was nowhere near ready to
defend it.
And that took me on a journey,so instead of defending my
dissertation today, I'm droppingthis episode about a journey
that has been so different thanI thought it would be.
I am still working on therevisions that the chair sent
back to me.
(02:49):
I do not have a defense date.
And when people ask me about it,I'm just kind of giving them the
standard answer is that I amlearning so much through this
process.
I am trying really hard toembrace what the Lord is trying
to teach me and what life justteaches in these situations.
And maybe for the 110 billiontime, I am leaning into what it
(03:12):
means to walk by faith and notby sight.
I did think that the hardestpart of this doctoral journey
would be the research.
The writing didn't s necessarilyscare me, but formatting those
little detailed things, I reallyfelt like that was gonna be kind
of the thing that sent me overthe edge.
But it turns out the hardestpart of this process has been
(03:33):
waiting, wondering what's goingon in that head of my
dissertation chair and whatshe's coming back, and is she
going to move the goalpostagain?
And so for me, Satan has usedthis where anxiety has just
creeped in and has ruled me forthe better part of two weeks.
All the lies.
If it's taking this long, thatmeans I'm not good enough.
(03:53):
I am defined, the lies want meto believe, by this
dissertation.
And the opposite is true too.
If I would have defended today,it would not have meant that I
was good enough, because yousee, I am already good enough.
As a Sangira, I I w I don't needyou I I can't let you down
because I you were never liftingme up because I've never been
(04:17):
more loved than I am right now.
And so I'm learning that myvalue is not connected to my
performance, and I've said thaton this uh on this podcast so
many times.
But anxiety is rule making therules, and Satan is after me in
the sense that every time I openan email, my heart races.
Every feedback from my chairfeels incredibly personal.
(04:41):
And in my head, I know it's notsupposed to.
I teach people about this allthe time.
In my head, I know thatcorrection doesn't equal
rejection.
But as I've also talked about onthis podcast, and there are
scientific reasons for this,that anxiety doesn't listen to
logic.
When our brains are being ruledby anxiety, we can't capture the
truth to calm down our nervoussystems.
(05:04):
And that's kind of rich comingfrom me, somebody that talks
about nervous system regulation,that talks about anxiety, that
talks about trauma, that talksabout PTSD, and as a rule, am
living victoriously with it.
But sometimes victory looks likestepping back into those dark
places, those dark corners whererejection happened as such a
young child, and now whensomething's not perfect, it
(05:27):
feels like a rejection on me asa human being.
It's funny, isn't it?
I'm writing abouttrauma-informed care, I talk
about it, I talk aboutattachment, I talk about how we
learn through relationships, andhere I am learning in real time
what it means to literally begrasping onto God's truth
because my emotions are runningoff with debilitating fear.
(05:50):
Because as I mentioned, anxietytells me that every single
correction on this dissertationmeans failure.
It means I suck as a humanbeing, that I can't contribute
to society.
It means everything is whatSatan wants me to believe.
Satan wants me to believe thatevery delay means that I'm
falling behind.
Satan wants me to believe thatif I were truly capable, this
(06:12):
process wouldn't be so hard.
And that voice of anxiety isexhausting.
You'll probably hear it in myvoice.
It's paralyzing.
It keeps me from doing the verything that I have worked so hard
to do, which is just finish.
Right?
So I I sit and I ruminate and itgoes round and round in my head,
and nothing is getting done.
(06:32):
And I share this personalepisode because I know that
there's somebody under the soundof my voice that was had a date
on their calendar.
I am doing this on this date,and this will be over, and I
will move on, and God said no.
Maybe you've been there too,waiting on something terrified.
That silence means rejection,and rejection has this value
(06:57):
meter, if you will, on you, andthat you don't mean anything if
God said no.
If you've been rejected forsomething that you really
wanted.
You feel like maybe that God'sdelay means denial.
And you certainly might feellike I do, that correction means
that you're just not goodenough.
Not that you're simply human andyou're not going to be perfect.
(07:23):
But here's what I'm learning inthis unexpected waiting.
Is that God's correction isnever rejection.
He can't reject us, right?
There are 365 times in the Biblewhere he says, I will never
leave you or forsake you.
Fear not.
365 fear not.
And one of them is, I will neverleave you or forsake you.
(07:48):
So God's correction is never,ever, ever, ever rejection.
He can't reject you.
Men can and will reject us, andthat hurts, and that's okay.
But not the God of the universe.
He is literally incapable ofrejecting you.
(08:11):
And you literally have neverbeen more loved than you are
right now.
So when I look at scripture, wesee a savior who still
corrected, right?
Meaning we are not perfect,we're going to need to be
corrected.
Jesus corrected out ofcompassion.
For example, when Peter jumpedout of the boat and was walking
(08:33):
on the water and all was good,and then he took his eyes off of
Jesus and he fell into thewater.
Jesus didn't shame Peter formaking that mistake.
He reached out for him.
I've said so often that shamewants you to believe that you
are the mistake.
Not that you made a mistake.
(08:55):
And if I'm being honest, I'vedealt with some shame related to
this delay in my dissertationbecause for some reason in the
back of my head I think thatpeople love me because I am
doing this, and that peoplepeople, people, people are in my
head.
And really, it doesn't matterbecause I don't need to feel
(09:16):
shame.
I don't need to feelembarrassment.
I didn't even make a mistake,and so shame has no place here.
Jesus also didn't scold Marthafor serving, right?
I I would have been Martha.
Moving around, bouncing off thewalls, doing the things, people
getting tired, just looking atme.
(09:39):
But he didn't shame her forserving, he just simply invited
her.
To sit, to be quiet, to learnfrom him, to serve, to be
served.
Jesus also didn't reject Thomasfor doubting.
Jesus actually invited him overand said, touch my side, touch
(10:02):
my hands, touch my feet.
He didn't reject Thomas fordoubting.
He met and then it.
Every correction that Jesusoffered was an act of love, not
condemnation.
And maybe that's what he's doingwith all of us.
Gently redirecting, softlyrefining.
(10:25):
Teaching us that no, it mightjust be a not yet.
And here's the thing, here'ssomething that I can't even go
to in my head.
What if I got all the way hereand God said you're not supposed
to finish your dissertation?
I can't even think what thatwould feel like, but I would
(10:46):
hope that I would find myself inthe loving arms of Jesus whose
ways are higher than my ways,whose thoughts are higher than
mine.
If I'm honest, this wholeprocess has become less about
earning this degree at thispoint and more about learning to
depend on Jesus.
I will always look back on thistime and say that was the time
(11:09):
that I literally got sent to myknees because there was no way
that I made it through any ofthat without Jesus.
So it requires this faith thatdoesn't always look like
confidence.
Sometimes faith looks likeshowing up anyway, opening the
laptop, going to the document,changing the things.
(11:30):
Sometimes it means showing upwith a shaky hand and a
cluttered mind, believing thatGod is still writing the story.
Even though I can't see theending right now, even though I
don't have a defense date.
God is still writing that story.
And I'm just thinking of thatsong by Shane and Shane, as I
wait for you, as I wait for you,Lord.
(11:51):
Help me to learn what you needme to learn.
As I wait for that defense date,I am realizing something.
Maybe the real defense I'mpreparing for is not for my
dissertation.
Maybe it's for the defense of myheart, learning to defend it
against the lies that Satan saysthat I'm not good enough and
that my value is attached tothis.
(12:14):
Maybe I'm learning to defend itagainst the lies that say my
worth is tied to my performance.
Everybody that knows me knowsthis is my besetting sin.
Thinking that my performancemakes me valuable and makes
people love me.
Really, all I need to do is getup in the morning to be
valuable.
(12:35):
Because I've said so many timeson this podcast to all of you,
and sometimes I have to preachit to myself.
I am seen, known, heard, loved,and valued.
Regardless of the letters behindmy name, I was that on the very
first day I took a breath when Ihadn't done anything in this
(12:56):
world except be born.
You too.
You have been valuable since Godmade a made a way for you to be
a life.
Before you were ever able toperform one single thing, you
already had immense value thatwould never increase and never
(13:17):
decrease to God.
And that is crazy to think aboutthat I just need to get up and
breathe.
And my value to God stays rightthere at the pinnacle of value.
Because I've never been moreloved than I am right now, and
that's true of you too.
(13:39):
So today, instead of standing infront of a committee, I am
sitting in front of that laptopthat I gotta get on when I'm
done recording this episode.
I'm behind this microphone,reminding you and reminding me
that correction does not equalrejection.
(14:00):
That these revisions on mydissertation is a lesson that
God is teaching to me for agreater life lesson, that I am
not what I do, but I am theprecious daughter of the Most
High God.
That anxiety does not have thefinal word.
(14:21):
That delay doesn't mean defeat.
And that hope is still alive,even when the timeline looks
different than we planned.
Guys, maybe your October 15thlooks different too.
Maybe the thing that you thoughtwould happen hasn't.
Maybe you're waiting and thewaiting hurts.
(14:43):
And maybe you don't feelvaluable to God because you're
still waiting.
But I promise you this.
He who began a good work in youwill complete it until the day
of Christ Jesus.
I love that verse.
It takes me back to 1990, June6, 1990, actually.
When I walked across the stagefrom my high school graduation
(15:07):
and got my diploma from DadMcGallan, and behind us was a
banner that said, He who began agood work in you will complete
it until the day of ChristJesus.
On that hot summer day in Tampa,Florida, that verse meant to me
that God had saved me fromabandonment, neglect, and abuse,
(15:27):
and firmly placed me at thechildren's home where people
loved me, and that God wouldcontinue that good work.
And now, 35 years later, we seeall that God has done.
All of my life, he has beenfaithful.
All of my life, he has been soso good.
(15:47):
He's not going to stop now, andhe's not gonna stop for you
either.
Because he's not the god whoabandons us.
He's not the god who abandonsthe process.
As Mama Gallen taught me thatverse, he is the God who
perfects it.
I will perfect all that.
(16:08):
So, still waiting for thatdefense.
But in the meantime, I'll behere.
Learning to rest, learning totrust, learning to let Jesus
hold me steady when anxietytakes over.
And that's what I wanted toshare with you today.
Not from a defense podium, butfrom my heart.
(16:30):
This promise of God that we'venever been more loved than we
are right now, and that when hecorrects us, it doesn't mean
that he rejects us.
And when people on this planetcorrect us, it doesn't define
our value.
This is the hope of thecompleted work of Jesus Christ.
(16:52):
This is real, this is grounded,this is graced.
So hope.
Only because of the star.
I hope this has encouragedsomebody here today, that all of
us would walk in the promise ofwho we are in this type of an
(17:13):
almighty guy.
SPEAKER_02 (17:15):
We are seeing never been more loved.
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