S1E2: God Isn't a Bearded Man in the Sky: A Spiritual Evolution Story

What does it truly mean to welcome God into our lives? 

Journey with me as I unravel the complex relationship I've had with the divine—from growing up in a Catholic household where God felt like a judgmental, controlling force, to discovering a deeply nurturing relationship with what I now understand as the Source of all life.

My path hasn't been linear. After years of rebellion against organized religion, I felt an unexpected call to reopen my heart to God and Jesus in 2014. Yet even then, when my spiritual coach asked me in 2019 if I believed God was benevolent, my honest answer was "no." I felt betrayed, controlled, and judged by a deity who seemed to be sometimes laughing at my struggles rather than supporting me through them. I was so wrong about this Source!  But, it would take me years of spiritual coaching to understand this (more on this in another episode!).

The transformative practice of Centering Prayer became my sanctuary during an existential crisis in 2024. Sitting in silence with divine presence taught me to find comfort in darkness and uncertainty. Through this contemplative tradition, alongside influences from Buddhism, Taoism, Sufism, yogic philosophy and more, I've discovered something remarkable—when I truly surrender to divine guidance (even when it contradicts my immediate desires), the outcomes are consistently better than anything I could orchestrate alone!  So true.

This podcast speaks directly to spiritual seekers who feel repelled by religious language but sense a calling toward something greater. If you're angry at religious traditions, questioning your spiritual path, or simply feeling a tug toward deeper meaning, you're welcome here. 

I don't have all the answers—I'm still seeking myself—but I'm committed to sharing the goodness that flows from an intimate, bonded relationship with the source of all life, the most important relationship we'll ever have! 

Subscribe to join me on this journey of spiritual maturation, where we'll explore what it means to welcome God beyond the limitations of religion or preconceived notions.  

Go to WelcomingGod.com to sign up on our email newsletter.  

Music by Song Channel Music.  Listen at SongChannelMusic.com

Lee Carroll's Kryon Parable, The Journey Home: Michael Thomas and the Seven Angels

Depeche Mode, Blasphemous Rumors.

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Episode Transcript

Sarah Haykel (00:00):
Intro clip
talking about God what I'mtalking about is the source of
life, the most importantrelationship any of us could
ever have with the one truesource.

(00:23):
Hi, and thanks for joining me onWelcoming God.
Hey everybody, my name is SarahHaykel and this is Welcoming
God, a podcast for the spiritualseeker.

(00:44):
Why welcoming God?
Well, why do I use the word Godanyway?
It's such a polarizing word.
I find that so many people feelrepelled by the word God,
triggered by the word God.
I definitely used to feel thatway too.
I used to say goddess orcreator source.

(01:09):
I still use the word source.
There are so many differentwords to describe the source of
life.
When I'm talking about God,what I'm talking about is the
all that ever is, was and willbe the source of it all, the

(01:30):
source of life.
God, to me, is not a genderedthing.
It's not some human man in thesky looking down judging us.
God is unknowable and knowableto a certain extent.
I read the book many years ago,michael Thomas and the Seven

(01:52):
Angels the Journey Home, by, Ithink his name's Lee Carroll,
and it's a Kryon parable, and inthat book, one of the stages
that Michael Thomas goes through.
He realizes that humans can'tbe around God energy for very

(02:14):
long because it's so intense.
And I think there's a reasonwhy we don't really know and
understand what's really goingon here in life, why we're here,
what God is, what the wholepoint of this all is, because I
think it might feel overwhelmingto our nervous systems to

(02:35):
handle all of that.
So I think there's a goodreason why we don't totally know
, or maybe don't know at all,but why?
Welcoming God, hey Sarah here.
If you're enjoying listening tothis podcast, please click
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It helps more people find andbenefit from this show.

(02:56):
Thanks so much, and let's getright back into it.
It 2014 I felt the call to openmy heart to God and Jesus.
I really was at the beginningof a new stage of my spiritual

(03:18):
maturity and, after rebellingagainst the religion of
Catholicism and what I perceivedas God for so many years, but
also feeling innately likecontrolled by God or at the whim
of God, you know, constantlyfeeling guilty about if I made a

(03:41):
mistake, if I did somethingwrong, if I thought a bad
thought about someone, if I hadsome random bad thought go
through my head like justwracked with fear, guilt, like
God was totally in control, butnot for me, that God actually
felt like God was against me andnot for me.
And I remember, you know, in2019, I spoke with my spiritual

(04:06):
coach.
We were just talking and heasked me this question that has
really changed the way that Isee God and this was really the
beginning of that journey.
Back in 2019, he asked me me doyou believe God is benevolent?

(04:33):
And my answer was no.
I really didn't believe thatGod was benevolent.
I felt betrayed by God so manytimes.
I felt like God was, you know,like in the Depeche Mode song,
blasphemous Rumors.
You know, I think that God'sgot a sense of humor and when I
die I expect to find himlaughing.
And I really kind of felt thatway sometimes about God, like

(04:57):
are you fucking with me?
Right now?
Sometimes I swear FYI, I didn'tgrow up in the inner city
Baptist churches and the waythat they worshiped, and that

(05:48):
was such an enlighteningexperience for me as someone
that loves to be boisterous andand you know, you know use my
voice and move and clap andexclaim celebration.
I was so elated by the factthat I could do that and worship
God in that way and thenthrough that, you know, I just

(06:11):
again was on the spiritualmaturation journey where I
realized I don't believeeverything that they're saying
about the Gospels or about Jesusor about God.
Like some of the stuffresonated, some of it didn't,
and I noticed that.
And then COVID came.
I started working with aspiritual coach and I started to

(06:36):
mature more.
I was introduced to RichardRohr and the contemplative
tradition in Christianitycentering prayer and Thomas
Keating and Thomas Merton, andthen I tried dabbling in that a
little bit and then jumped outof that and was like, oh,
sitting and centering prayer for20 minutes in silence, oh, it's

(06:58):
too much, my mind is not quietenough.
And in the meantime I was doinga lot of therapy work on myself
, healing from past traumas,issues, stuff in my life, and I
just had so many parts of methat would just chime in and

(07:19):
just want to be heard, wanted tobe seen, while I was sitting in
silence.
So I went away from theCentering Prayer practice for a
few years and then I reconnectedwith it in the spring of 2024.
I was actually going through anexistential crisis and I started
doing Centering Prayer then andI really found because I was

(07:43):
confronting the void, I wasconfronting the darkness and it
was scaring me.
And Centering Prayer was allabout sitting in silence,
essentially in the dark.
My eyes are closed, I'm nottalking to anyone else.

(08:04):
I'm just sitting with thispresence that I call God or
source, the source of all thatis, was and will be, and that
was very necessary for me.
It was very consoling to beokay in the darkness, to be okay
in the silence, but also withthe presence, you know.
And every sit is not silent.

(08:26):
Some sits I actually use towork with my parts through
internal family systems, typework processing, clearing
emotions.
I actively will work with God.
During some of my sits it justseems to be what's right for me.
And then some sits I am quietand I do actually get this felt

(08:48):
sense, this deeper sense of thepresence of life, and it's so
beautiful and you know so.
I just want you to know.
When I'm talking about God quoteunquote God, what I'm talking
about is the source of life, themost important relationship any
of us could ever have with theone true source, whatever that

(09:14):
actually is, because I don'tknow exactly what it is and I
know it exists because Iexperience it in my life
consistently, constantly.
I see it working in my life, Isee it guiding me, even when
it's telling me to wait or stopor not do something.
I may feel frustrated and Istill don't always trust it.

(09:37):
Like, oh, I just want to gothrough that yellow light, can't
I just go through it?
You want me to stop and waithere?
I want to get to where I'mgoing, and that's a metaphor as
well, even though it literallyhappens while I'm driving

(10:03):
spiritual coach.
What I understand more and moreand more is God truly has mine
and all others best interest atheart, and I know this might
cause some trigger, for peoplewill like what about the people
in Gaza?
What about the people that aresuffering?
And look, you know I can'texplain all of this, but what I
can share is from my ownpersonal experience, and that's
what I'm committed to doing here.

(10:24):
I cannot speak for other people.
I don't have all the answers.
I'm still searching and seekingmyself.
But what's important to me isto share with you Someone like
myself that grew up in adysfunctional, loving,
dysfunctional Catholic family,rebelled against the religion

(10:47):
and God did not have anyrelationship with Jesus.
I'm still getting to understandwho Jesus was and what he was
here for on this earth andexploring his teachings and
stuff, especially starting tolearn more about the Aramaic
translations of his teachingsand then becoming quote unquote

(11:11):
spiritual, because I was openedup to something else in my teens
and then exploring that for 21years until 2014 came around and
all of a sudden, end of 2013,beginning of 2014, I just felt a
call in my heart to open up toGod again and Jesus even, and

(11:37):
that was truly the beginning ofthis next stage of my journey.
And for a few years into thatjourney, from 2014 to 2020, I
was still largely in abeginner's place.
I mean, I love the concept ofbeginner's mind from Buddhism.

(11:58):
I always feel like a beginnerand I was still operating a lot
from old ideas of God and whatmy relationship with God was
guilt, fear but then starting towork with the spiritual coach,

(12:21):
moving into 2020, then COVIDhappened.
Then I started realizing like,oh, there is grace here.
Okay, I'm not sure what's goingto happen next and I am
repeatedly shown over and overagain that I am held.
Something is working in myfavor, as long as I listen and

(12:48):
respond to that, and that'ssomething that we'll talk about
on this podcast, as well as thegift of listening and responding
to the guidance of the one truesource.
And so, you know, I started toevolve spiritually and mature.
I didn't believe all of thestuff that I was raised with and

(13:09):
I also recognized I didn'tbelieve a lot of the things that
they teach in church either.
So I'm still on that journeyand, like I said, still seeking,
still seeking to understand,and I just want to know more of
and get closer to the source ofall of life, god, and I want to

(13:36):
share the goodness of what Godis doing for me and my life and
how being in an intimatelybonded relationship with this
one true source is supporting me, because it is so much better
than I could have ever imaginedit to be.

(13:57):
And what I mean by that isthings aren't exactly how human
Sarah wants them to be, but whenI surrender to the true will of
God and I know thissongchannelmusic.
com sounds so religious, youknow it nui is language.
That comes from my Catholic andChristian upbringing, because I

(14:21):
do come from a more Christianperspective, but, influenced by
Buddhism and Taoism and the Sufipoet, rumi, and yogic and
Ayurvedic philosophy and nativetraditions.
I'm influenced by a lot ofdifferent traditions, but when I
truly surrender to what Godwants and has for me and just

(14:45):
truly open up to this, it isbetter, so much better than I
could ever create for myselfalone.
So I want to share thisgoodness with you because it's
this important and you know I'mspecifically really speaking

(15:09):
anybody that's listening.
This podcast is for you, and Ireally want to speak to those
that were like me or are like me, still repelled by the word God
, repelled by Jesus.
You feel either super angry andmad at the religious tradition
of Christianity or your owntradition.

(15:31):
You're seeking something elsethat is still aligned with the
one true source and you arefeeling the call in your heart
to open up to this one truesource.
So thank you for joining mehere and I look forward to
speaking with you on the nextepisode.
Thanks for joining me onanother episode of Welcoming God

(15:59):
.
Please subscribe to thispodcast wherever you listen and
consider leaving us a review, asit helps more people find and
benefit from this show.
Music by Song Channel Music.
You can listen and hear more atsongchannelmusiccom.
Until we meet again, aloha,miwi loa, take care and God

(16:21):
bless.