November 29, 2023 • 61 mins
Have you ever wondered what nurturing female friendships and encouraging intimacy takes? Well, today my co-host Amanda Keeper and I decided to find out. We exchanged stories, shared our deepest fears, and navigated various topics, from our pet peeves, recurring dreams, and lottery dreams to the nostalgia of our childhood memories. One thing that stood out was our conversation on the power of meaningful advice and how it has shaped our lives, especially in our careers and parenting choices.
In one of our most personal and enlightening episodes, We reminisced over our favorite Christmas movies and even revealed some of the craziest things we'd done as teenagers. Terri, candid as ever, opened up about her fears of aging and being alone, leading to an enlightening discussion on embracing change. We were all reminded of the power of open conversations in deepening connections and understanding ourselves better.
We ended our conversation on a high note with a fun and humorous gift exchange, a testament to the importance of love and the deep connections that we've fostered. So, are you ready to join us on this enriching journey of self-discovery? We promise our heartfelt and insightful chat will inspire you to have similar conversations with your friends and loved ones.
Remember to go to the Facebook community and share your favorite childhood comfort foods!
RESOURCES:
Questions document
Enjoying the Content? Want to support the show?
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Terrikellums
Join the podcast on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/whatwomenwanttoday_podcast/
Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/www2day
Private Facebook Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/www2day
Email www2daypodacast@gmail.com
Website https://www.whatwomenwanttoday.com/
YouTube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjk1SBYDlhl-6e0NowlDidA
Join our email list https://terrikellums.activehosted.com/f/3
*any Amazon links listed in the show notes are affiliate links, and we get a small commission which helps us with production costs. This does not affect the price for you or the seller of these items. We appreciate you so much!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
You're listening to the what Women Want Today
podcast.
If you love the idea of beingpart of a community of women who
are looking to thrive, not justsurvive, you're in the right
place.
Join hosts Terry Cullums andAmanda Keeper each week, as they
bring you topics and guests tohelp you improve your
relationships, your health andyour emotional and spiritual
(00:23):
well-being.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Welcome to this week's episode of the what Women
Want Today podcast.
I'm your host, terry Cullums.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
And I'm your co-host, Amanda Keeper.
Happy holidays everybody.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Oh yes, how was your Thanksgiving?
Speaker 3 (00:43):
It was great.
We had a full house, we hadgrandkids over, we had my niece
over, we had our anniversarythis weekend.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
So we spent time at Chicago.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
We went to a play called Drunken Shakespeare,
which was absolutely hysterical.
It's got really great writing,so if it comes to your area, I
would recommend it.
However, it's very private,very intimate, and they put it
in small quarters.
You don't know where it's goingto pop up, and so if you're
COVID conscious, you might wantto wear a mask, because you are
(01:14):
sitting very close to people andthe actors spit a lot, which
was very troublesome to myhusband.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
You know what we also .
We went to Phoenix forThanksgiving but I didn't get
enough turkey.
So I think I'm going to cookanother turkey dinner and we'll
see if our friends that livedown here can come.
Their work schedule, her workschedule she works on the
weekends a lot, so it might notbe easy for us to do, but I saw
(01:43):
the turkeys unsealed today atthe grocery store and I thought,
yeah, I'm going to do this, I'mgoing to have a I love.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
You said that because I have been eating turkey
leftovers, which I usually donot do, and Gary was in the
kitchen earlier today and hesaid man, I just cannot get
enough turkey.
I'm not sick of it yet and I go, and I'm not sick of the
stuffing or the mashed potatoes,I was just like you know what.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
My favorite thing to eat after Thanksgiving is and
it's all cold it's turkey withleftover stuffing and some
cranberry sauce on it, andliterally what you're eating.
Yes, and some butter, becauseI'm from the Midwest so we got
to put some butter on there.
But luckily I made it throughthe holidays and stuck pretty
(02:29):
close to my low carb.
You know new way of eating thatI do, but I got on the scale
this morning.
I was a little scared and itdidn't really move, so I was
grateful for that.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
I mean it's so nice, I'm not going to weigh myself
for two weeks.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
You know, that was my original plan.
And then I thought you knowwhat, let me just see what a
couple of days of not being asstrict as for my weight, and
because I've lost six pounds now.
So I want to just like keepgoing on that.
You know, I don't want to havea setback.
So I was like, oh, do I weighmyself?
To weigh myself.
But ultimately I guess, Idecided to.
(03:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
All about the last night.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Yes, you came up with a very interesting idea for
this week's show, so I'm goingto let you go ahead and
introduce it.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Yeah, so I think it would be great to do the
Friendsgiving theme, just likeyou were talking about with
having another turkey in frontof over.
But I told Terry you know what,on our podcast, one of the
things that we really want to dois focus on relationships and
deepening the intimacy inrelationships, and that's all
relationships.
But one thing that Terry and Iagree on and we're extremely
(03:40):
fond and like passionate about,is our friendship and female
friendships in general, and sowe thought you know what, why
don't we ask each otherquestions and get to know each
other even more?
Because one thing that I knowfrom research is that if you
(04:01):
pursue each other and you keeptrying to learn more and more
and more about each other, youwill keep the intimacy growing.
And it's when you stop datingyour friend, it's when you stop
dating your spouse and youassume you know everything, that
things can get really boringand stale.
And, as you know, listeners,you've heard me talk about John
Gottman before, but he says oneof the best things that you can
(04:21):
do is really continue to buildyour landscape and your map of
your best friend or your partneror your kids, whoever's in your
life.
Just keep pursuing them andkeep trying to get to know them
intimately.
And so we thought we would havesome fun and I asked Terry to
come up with a list of questions.
I came up with a list ofquestions, and Terry and I are
going to see if we can learneven more about each other after
(04:43):
all these years of friendship,and we encourage you to do the
same thing.
You can use our questions.
We'll post a list of questionsthat I have a link for to share
with Terry and have some funwith your friends as well.
So, yeah, you know what I heard.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Oh, sorry, I just wanted to say one thing before
we jump in.
But you know, what I heard thismorning on my way to the
grocery store was I waslistening to a podcast and the
guy said, if you have hard timewith anything in life, like like
, think about it this way, keepthe simple things simpler.
And so I was like, oh, how doesthat apply?
How does that apply?
And you know, oftentimes, likeI will get together with it,
(05:21):
whether it's you or you know,being at a Thanksgiving table
with people I don't know verywell, or I had, I was lucky
enough to have brunch with mydaughter, madeline, who lives in
Flagstaff.
She happened to be in thePhoenix area, and so I was with
her and her, her boyfriend,peter, who I've only met like
three times, I think three orfour times.
And so, you know, like mythought was all about like
(05:45):
connecting.
But you're in the moment andyou're like so excited and you
don't always think of thequestions you want to ask, and
as I'm driving like the 45minutes back to where we were
staying, I'm like, oh, I wish Iwould have asked this, I wish I
would have asked that.
So if you are someone whostruggles with, like you know,
setting the stage for thoseintimate conversations.
(06:06):
This is like a life hack, likethere are so many questions.
You can go on Pinterest andthere's just a ton of questions
to connect deeper, to createintimacy with your spouse, or
you know, just feel free toborrow the ones that Amanda and
I have come up with today, but Imean keeping the simple,
simpler right.
I have the questions ahead oftime and just do it.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
Yes.
And there's like there's anunlimited amount of resources
and you'll see some in the shownotes.
Okay, so, Terry, what's thefirst thing that you notice when
you meet a person?
Speaker 2 (06:44):
That's a really good question.
I think I notice they'rethey're like demeanor, like
there's the space that they'refilling up, like are they
someone who commands attentionor are they someone who kind of
hangs back, maybe a little bitmore shy, and I think I'm
looking for that, because ifthey are the second one that I
(07:06):
said, the more shy.
You know.
I feel challenged then to bringout a conversation in them,
like to get to know them, tomake them feel included and part
of it.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
So you're kind of always looking for the unseen
person around the table.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Oh yeah, I want everybody to feel included.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Brian always compliments me on that after we
have, after we're at GetTogether.
He's like you always try tomake everybody included in the
conversation and it's not.
You know, I'm not alwayssuccessful at it, but it's like
a challenge.
Like how can I take this personthat's sitting, and oftentimes
at holiday gatherings it's hisson, braden, because he's so
quiet and I want to make him, Iwant to bring him into
(07:46):
conversation and get him to feellike he's a part of it.
So so are we going to go backand forth with these?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Yes, but we can ask follow-ups.
So, terry, you have told meabout that before.
I did know that about, so thatdoesn't really surprise me.
What goes through your mindwhen you're sitting at a table
with an alpha male like myhusband who doesn't have any
problem showing his?
Sorry, I'm laughing.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
You don't even have the question out of your mouth.
Oh, okay, what do I think youchoked?
I think it's.
That is a that's a complicatedquestion to answer, because if
it's somebody I already know,I'm probably going to respond
different than somebody who I'mmeeting for the first time.
Like, if it's somebody I'mmeeting for the first time and
(08:33):
they're giving off a vibe that Idon't care for, I'm probably
just going to back off.
I'll probably just like backoff.
It's someone like Gary and Ialready know like how this
conversation is probably goingto go, I feel free to like
interrupt you to get my own twocents in there.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
I know that answers you either.
Speaker 3 (08:59):
No, it doesn't let off, because when your face like
lights up like a Christmas treeand you look at it like, oh,
let's mess with him, let's justlike you are not in that at all.
You're like, let's go, let'shave it.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Let's do this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fun,it's fun, all right.
Here's my first question foryou what is your biggest pet
peeve?
Speaker 3 (09:24):
My biggest.
It's interesting, I've beenasked this question many times
and I already know what it isevery time and it's related to
the question that I just askedyou.
My biggest pet peeve is whenpeople have negative energy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's.
It rubs me really, really wrongand I have to really watch
myself when I'm teaching becausestudents will have their.
(09:45):
They'll come into the classroomwith really negative energy and
I have to try to navigate thatand meet them where they are and
not take it personally.
I am such like a gratefulperson and I'm a definitely a
gratitude person and I have areally hard time with pessimists
and that's probably weird tosay because I'm also a counselor
(10:05):
and I have to also handlepersonalities who are more
pessimistic and I've gotten waybetter at it.
But it's a clear answer for methat when energy walks in the
room and it's just really,really negative, I have a hard
time.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Yeah, have you ever found yourself such like trying
to put them in their place?
Speaker 3 (10:24):
Oh, I used to do that all the time with students and
then.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
I realized like this yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
And I realized this is more about me than it is
about them.
They don't have a problem withtheir pessimistic attitude.
I'm the one that has theproblem with their pessimistic
attitude and I had to stop beingso like self-centered in many
ways, like you know what.
Maybe my class isn't for them,maybe college isn't for them,
maybe they're being forced to behere, maybe the person that
walked in doesn't like theholidays.
(10:51):
I just really have tounderstand that it's not always
about my preference, butrecognize and put it in check
that it is true it's hard for me, but I'm working on it.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Yeah, very interesting.
I've been in classes where theteacher was very visibly
irritated and tried to put thestudent first, the patients and
then when the patient's worth in.
Then it was like trying to setexpectations for how often you
should speak up and when it'stime to let the class flow, kind
(11:24):
of thing.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
Yeah, interesting, okay.
So, terry, if you could tradeplaces with someone for the day,
who would you choose to tradeplaces with, and why?
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Great question who would I trade places with?
Well, it probably wouldn't bebecause I envy their life.
It would probably be becauseI'd want to learn something like
living inside of another personand understanding something
from their perspective.
(11:55):
So that's probably the angle Iwould take.
So it would have to be somebodythat has a skill that I long
for, that I struggle with.
I would say, I would say like amarketing, like a, because
that's where I struggle withthis podcast is, you know,
(12:18):
getting getting enough people topay attention to it.
So I think the big ones thatstand out in my mind are
probably ones are going to befamiliar to some people.
Gary Vee is a big one and Ilove how he throws the F bond
around a lot, because it's likemy favorite word lately.
And, um, oh, I just had someoneelse in my head, and who was it
(12:41):
?
Oh gosh, you know who I want tobe?
I got it Joe Rogan.
I want to, I want to be insideJoe Rogan's head for the day.
He's like an amazing.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Okay, what is it that you love about Joe Rogan?
Speaker 2 (12:58):
You know, I don't know his political leanings and
I really honestly don't carewhat his political leanings are.
I've heard people say he's, youknow, kind of towards the
middle.
Maybe that's why I don't want Idon't listen to his show all
the time but he does show up alot like in your like news feed
or whatever they call that onYouTube when you're watching on
the little or the shorter videosthe shorts they call him.
(13:19):
He shows up a lot in there andhe has he has a really um, a
really unique perspective onthings.
And why is?
I feel like he's wise andpeople seem to just love him.
So yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
I would agree After you watch.
I've never even heard of it.
I've never.
I've heard of Joe Rogan, butI've never listened to him yet,
so I need to add that to my list.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
You do.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
All right, what's?
Speaker 2 (13:42):
next.
All right, here we go.
What would your perfect daylook like?
Speaker 3 (13:50):
Oh gosh.
Well, my perfect day, would Imean immediately.
I'd be on the water somewhere.
I would be with my favoritepeople.
I would be active.
I would be walking.
To be honest, I've had lots ofreally great days this year.
I would be walking.
I'd be in nature.
(14:12):
I would have really good food,like a charcuterie board would
be wonderful.
You know, immediately I go tojust people that I'm comfortable
with and there's no posturingor no masking, but it's like
your people.
And you can just be present andyou don't have any
responsibilities that are onyour plate preoccupying you.
(14:32):
There's no like um to do listin the back of your mind, like
everything is caught up, and sothat you can be 100% mindful and
present wherever you are, withyour loved ones, in nature, by
water yeah, that would be it inthe sun.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
It'd be a great sunny day and it would be.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Um gosh.
And some great food, that'd begreat.
A nice glass of wine, not toomuch, but a nice glass of wine
or two.
Or some champagne, some bubbly,that would be great.
Just to elevate the mood alittle bit, but not too much,
amanda.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
You know I love that question because I feel like
that question is such an easyone as an icebreaker with people
you don't know very well.
Because, man, what a way to getto know somebody like do you
prefer the mountains or do youprefer the beach?
You know, it's just like areally easy entry question.
And then I find that when youhave and Brian loves to ask
similar questions to people,because he's one of those that
(15:30):
like will throw the questionsout there and people just like
respond, respond, respond.
He doesn't often like say toomuch, whereas I'm like over here
chomping at the bit to likeshare some experience that we've
had, you know.
But I think it's a great one toreally connect with somebody
and find common commonalities.
You know that's a greatquestion.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Actually, I love that you and Brian have talked about
that many times, and your, whenyou vacation and things like
that, so I love that.
Okay, terry.
Do you believe in ghosts or anyparanormal activity?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
You know what I so funny?
I don't know if you considerthis paranormal or not, but
maybe you do.
I often will find dimes inrandom places and I always say
that my mom left them for me.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
You know like.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
I mean literally when we get home from a trip or
something, I will empty out thesuitcase entirely, like that's
my thing, like I just want toget that bag unpacked right away
, get the suitcase put away.
And then just recently we wentsomewhere and I pulled out this.
Oh it's when I went to KansasCity to see my daughters I
pulled out the suitcase.
There was a diamond there.
I'm like I know that time wasnot there and so, yeah, I find
(16:45):
them in the weirdest places andsometimes I think Brian plans
some.
So I'll say, did you put thatdime there?
And I'll be like no baby, I didnot put that dime there.
As far as like anything likebigger than that, I you know I
never rule anything out.
I think if there's apossibility, I'm not going to be
the one to say I'll listen,I'll be open to hearing about it
(17:07):
.
I've been to a psychic a fewtimes.
I've had my cards read and I'vewalked away like being kind of
impressed with what they said afew times.
So I guess I do have somebelief in it.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
Yeah, you know what, now that I asked that question,
I knew more than I thought, butthe conversation is reminding me
.
One time we had a greatconversation off of 173 in
Love's Park and you were talkingto me about past life
regression.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Yes, and they said I drowned in a previous life.
And it makes kind of sensebecause I'm really afraid to put
my face under the water.
When I've talked about this onthe podcast, like I have, I get
like full blown anxiety and likea little panic attack.
When I go snorkeling and I loveit, I love it, but when,
initially, when I'm in thatsituation, it feels new every
(17:55):
single time and all the timesthat Brian and I have been
snorkeling this last time thatwe went was the first time he
didn't have to hold my hand andlike keep constant track of me I
was like I'm good dude, I gotthis like and I actually swam
and snorkeled by myself.
But but yeah, I, you know, I, Ilove the water, I love being by
(18:15):
it, I love the peacefulnessthat it brings, and but you want
me to put my face in it.
That's an entirely differentstory.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
So, yeah, about that Interesting Okay.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
My turn, right, okay, all right, amanda, you've come
across a magic lamp and a geniepops out and grants you three
wishes.
What?
Speaker 3 (18:38):
are they?
Oh, my goodness, this is soexciting.
The first thing that came tomind.
The first thing that came tomind was enough money in my bank
account that I wouldn't have tolook at my bank account.
I don't need to be like Uberrich, but I would love to have
enough money because to me,money equals freedom, and I
(19:01):
would love to be able to.
And it's almost like that onewish gives me, like the other
wishes, but no, not all of them.
Anyway, yeah, enough money whereI didn't have to look in my
bank account at things, becausethen I would have the freedom to
really travel as much as Iwanted to and take days off when
I want to take them, because mywork schedule is very, very
flexible and I do have theability.
(19:23):
If I had more funds right,number two hands down would be
that I would die in my sleep.
Huh, why I?
Well, I've just, you know,watching my parents die a long,
painful death of cancer andwatching other people that I
care about die and they have tofind out that they have a
(19:45):
terminal illness and just like,the psychological pain and the
toll that that causes on themand their families is really,
really difficult.
So I would love to you knowwhen I die die in my sleep, and
that's just it.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Okay, I'll question that one.
Do you want me to ask you now,or do you want me to wait till
you're done with your third one?
Speaker 3 (20:06):
Oh, wait till I'm done with my third one, so you
don't plant something.
Yeah, yeah, you know what?
And I think my third wish wouldbe that all my friends and
family that I care about wouldalso die in their sleep and not
have a long, painful death.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Okay.
So here's my follow-up question, because I've had this
conversation with people before.
If you knew you had a terminalillness and only they gave you
three months to live let's sayso a very short time and there
was no possibility of them beingwrong would you rather spend
that time without your familyand friends thinking about oh my
God, she's only got threemonths left and just enjoy the
(20:49):
three months and not tell them,or would you want them to know
so that they could prepare andsay their proper goodbyes to you
?
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Well, I went through that with my mom.
I mean my mom, you know.
They told me that she was.
I asked the Palliative CareDoctor, when I found out that
she was going to die, how longshe had and she said they said
three to nine months and shelived exactly nine months.
And I absolutely would want toknow, and I would want my family
(21:19):
to know.
I would want all of you know.
I would just want to spend asmuch time as humanly possible.
I'd want to.
I don't want them to, you know,not have to be able to have a
part of creating a verymeaningful death experience.
I have actually seen thathospice care workers and
palliative care workers can makeit one of the most beautiful
(21:40):
things as part of living, likedying is also part of living
when you do know it.
It's very difficult.
It's very, very hard, but itcan be done well and I truly
believe that and I think thatpeople have.
When they have more agency overit, then they can cope with it
better and process it better.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
You do realize.
You just contradict yourself inyour answers, right?
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Yeah, because I wanted to die in my sleep.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Yeah, I didn't even think about it until you were
done with your answer.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
But I'm saying that if I, I would love to die in my
sleep.
But if I, if I had to know thatI'm dying, I would ask the
question.
The question was if you had toknow that you're dying, would
you want your family and friendsto know?
Yes, Okay.
Yeah, you're right.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
That's different.
That's different.
Okay, your turn.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
All right, okay, okay .
What song could you listen toon repeat for the rest of your
life?
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Absolutely none, Absolutely none.
You know what?
It's weird?
I'm not a big music person.
I never really have been.
We have like three radiostations down here and I think
two of them are Mexican music inone of them's country and I do
not like country music at alland I don't understand the
(23:00):
Mexican music, so it's not veryenjoyable.
So when I'm driving back andforth into town to do stuff, I'd
rather just be quiet or listento a podcast.
I don't mean that.
Even this morning, like one ofmy favorite things to do when it
gets chilly out for some reason, especially around Christmas,
is I turn on YouTube and theyhave like those fake fireplace
(23:20):
scenes and we have a pretty bigscreen TV so it can actually
make it feel like you reallyhave a fireplace, just minus the
nice warmth of it.
But this morning I thought, ohit's, you know it's, it's
Christmas music season.
There is a season betweenThanksgiving and Christmas and
it's called Christmas musicseason and I thought, oh, maybe
I'll listen to some Christmasmusic.
But I was making a grocery list, thinking about the questions
(23:43):
for our talk today, and Ithought, no, that's just too
much noise, there's too muchnoise in my head, and I just
turned it back to a station thatwas just playing crackling fire
noises, so there is absolutelyno song that I would want to
listen to on repeat.
So does that surprise you atall?
Like because I'm wondering ifsome of these questions like
that we're asking each otherlike deep down, do we really
(24:04):
know the answers to some ofthese questions already?
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Well, it does surprise me because, girl, I
have seen you dance to some 80srock music and that day, when we
were on the boat with Anjanetteand Brian, when you came here
this summer, I mean you werelike in your heyday, like you
know a sunny day on a, a sunnyday on a boat, with some good
80s rock music, and you wereloving life.
(24:28):
So yeah, it does.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
Yeah, that's true, you are right about that.
I love dancing.
I do love to dance, especiallyif I've had a glass of wine.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
It brings out the happy wins.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
When you had your wedding, you and your girls and
your family and grandma and allthe kids were dancing.
You were dancing fools, likeyou were having good times.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
That's kind of a funny answer.
Okay, what is the best piece ofadvice you've ever been given
and what is the worst?
Speaker 3 (25:07):
I think, the best piece of advice that I've ever
been given.
Well, I don't know if I've beengiven the advice that came to
my mind.
So let me think about.
You know, I read a lot and I doa lot of self development.
Well, I know.
So.
My mentor, martha Cooper, when Iwas in grad school for
(25:30):
communications, she told me whenit comes to career, choose the
option that gives you moreoptions.
When it comes to career notrelationships, because I
couldn't get Harry, but when itcomes to career and maybe that's
true too, but not in myexperience, I don't know but she
(25:51):
said when it comes to career,choose the option that gives you
more options.
So when I was getting anotherdegree, I could have gotten a
PhD in communication, but reallyit kept me in the same field
and instead of doing that, I gotanother master's degree or MSED
in clinical mental counseling.
So now I have options.
If I get tired of you know,I've been teaching 25 years I
(26:11):
can retire early if I want to.
I'm not stuck in anyone.
And I'm not stuck in anyonecareer, because I have a skill
set and I'm tooled up for atleast a couple of different
careers.
So I think that was greatadvice.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
It is amazing advice.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Yeah, Worst advice.
When I was getting divorcedfrom my first husband, my uncle
said we don't get divorced inthis family, we stay together,
we stay together.
Well, I listened to him.
I'm glad I didn't listen to himbecause that was not a good
match and I've seen others thatare matched and stay together
and they're absolutely miserableand their physical health
(26:49):
totally wears out and tears themdown.
And I think my mom was one ofthem included, even though you
know I am glad they stayedtogether, but I think that she
paid a price for it for hermental and her physical health
because he was undiagnosed ofPTSD with a medic in the Vietnam
War.
So I think that's horribleadvice.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yeah, I think it is too.
And as a professional mentalhealth counselor, do you think
that's wise for the children Imean?
Speaker 1 (27:17):
is it better for the?
Speaker 2 (27:18):
children.
I think you know like, yeah, doyou have to help your children
cope with divorce?
On the other hand, I alwayswonder like wouldn't it be
better if they could see anexample of a real love, a true
love, something that they couldaspire to?
Speaker 3 (27:36):
Yes, 100%, and I know people that have left marriages
because somebody is an addictand they left the person, and
then the person they weremarried to like died an early
death because they never stoppeddoing drugs at all and you know
that's just one example and youknow they chose not to have a
(27:58):
life sentence with thataddiction when they divorced
that person and I don't blamethem for that, for getting their
children out of a situationlike that.
So there's many, that's just oneexample, but there's many, many
reasons.
So, yeah, that'd be my answer.
Okay, terry, if you would havehad a boy instead of four girls,
(28:19):
how do you think you would havebeen as a boy mom, and what
would have been some possiblenames for your boy?
Speaker 2 (28:32):
You know I love the vibe of our weekend podcasts
versus our weekday podcasts andI just want the audience to know
.
You see me in a man to drinksome wine.
This is my first glass.
This is her and I when we startthese conversations.
So you're getting the real dealhere, Okay, well, I do have
three.
Speaker 3 (28:51):
You're getting when we go to our Mexico trips and
truly, this is just us havingfun, being us.
We've only had half a glass ofwine each because we agreed that
we're just starting to loosenup the gears a little bit, but
this is literally how ourvacation days go for like hours.
But go ahead, terry.
Absolutely, absolutely If youcould have had a boy, yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
I actually have three step sons, so I kind of, you
know, I kind of did have someboys, but I think the youngest,
braden, was eight when we met.
So I've not had a baby boy.
I do, however, have two nephews, so I kind of I kind of get the
whole vibe.
I think I'm a really great girlmom.
I don't think I was meant tohave boys.
I don't get them, I just don't.
(29:33):
I'm not, I'm very girly, so I'mnot like the tomboy, I'm not
even like a tomboy, so I can'tlike the whole boy vibe.
Like, even for my, my grandson,finley, brian, usually ends up
doing like, most of the like.
Playing with him now that he'solder, like when he was a baby,
was different.
Now that he's older, brian doesmost of the playing.
(29:54):
They play like cops and robbersand all this stuff, you know.
And Brian always buys his gifts.
Because I'm terrible, I'm aterrible gift giver in the first
place, but to try to figure outwhat a boy wants, I'm like I
have no idea.
I think what's funny is thatthere's like this, like this
false perception that raisingboys is so much easier than
(30:17):
raising girls.
And I have to say, like, if Icompare only Brian's children
and my, my girls, my girls wereso easy at the first part of
their life and then they hit theteenage years.
I see Brian and Brian's middleson listens to this podcast
quite a bit.
Brian's middle son I love you,hunter which you are the
(30:39):
exception to the rule.
He is, he, he's a lot of dramafor a boy.
He's a lot of drama.
He proved it at Thanksgivingthis year.
So if he's listening he knowswhat I'm talking about.
Like he he's like tells theseall land just stories that like
maybe have like a tenth of truthto them and like 90% bullshit.
(31:02):
So yeah, yeah, it's a littlebit long.
Speaker 3 (31:05):
Great he needs to meet my husband then.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Yeah right.
So I think you know, like hisoldest son, like stoic and just
really hard to get him to openup, and same with the younger
one, but just in a in adifferent way.
So I loved when my girls werelittle.
I loved the tea parties and,you know, doing crafts with them
and I would teach them littledances to perform for our family
(31:29):
at Christmas time and I loveteaching them to bake and just
like everything that went withbeing a girl mom.
So I definitely think God knewwhat he was doing when he made
me a girl mom.
But if, if Madeline, who I kindof thought was going to be a
boy, my last, my last daughter,we were going to name her
Harrison because my, my marriedname at the time was Ford,
(31:50):
harrison Ford, I don't know.
I don't know if we would havewent through with that, but it
was.
It was funny to talk about yeah.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Never knew that.
I never knew that.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Okay, so this one I kind of like put on my list and
took it off and put it back onhere again.
But what change have youexperienced in life that taught
you the most lessons, or thatmaybe, like the deepest lesson,
most stick worthy lesson?
Speaker 3 (32:22):
Well, I would have to say, it's my parents passing
away within four months of eachother.
So the lesson is this it ispossible to get through
excruciating pain and findmeaning and purpose and forge a
(32:43):
life and not be debilitated byit.
It's hard, it's difficult, it'shard to find time, but it is
possible if you allow yourselfto grieve but then also get back
in the game and start livingagain.
Our loved ones don't want us tostop living.
(33:03):
Our loved ones absolutely do notwant us to stop living.
So the absolute best way that Ican enter my parents' legacy is
by continuing to live a full,rich life.
My parents I can hear theirvoices in my head.
My dad would be, like buck up,it's time to buck up.
(33:24):
And then my mom she would Imean I can literally hear her
voice She'd be like it's okay,amanda, you're going to be okay.
She was more soothing.
She was more soothing, but yeah, it's possible to get through
excruciating experiences andstill live a happy, full life.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Yeah, yeah, you gave me goosebumps.
You gave me goosebumps, yougave me all the feels.
Speaker 3 (33:48):
Carrie, do you have any recurring dreams or
nightmares?
Reoccurring dreams ornightmares?
Speaker 2 (33:58):
I do, and it's funny because Brian does too and I
think they're anxiety driven,like kids are like always that
water's coming into the house,the house is flooding, and now I
say that's because he feelsoverwhelmed with the house
building, and by and do, we'vebeen building houses for like
five years in a row.
So for me, mine is alwayssomeone's hurting me, sometimes
(34:22):
physically, but usually alwaysphysically and emotionally.
It's always something's beingtaken from me.
It's can be different scenarios, but it's usually the same,
like a betrayal or hurt, likeyou know, like that kind of
thing it's not fun to wake upfrom.
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
And you wake up and does it feel super real, like
you have to jolt yourself out ofit.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Yeah, and like you don't want to fall back to sleep
because you don't want to keepdreaming it, because you know
you have those dreams where youwake up and you're like, oh,
that guy was really hot, can Igo back to sleep?
Yeah, you don't want to go.
You don't want to go back tosleep after you have those kind
of dreams Like you feel likeyour heart's beating fast and
like you know like you're, youknow like you're a little sweaty
and clammy and just like shoo.
(35:07):
Thank God that was just a dream, kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (35:09):
Yeah.
And that makes a lot of sensewith.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sensewith like, um, you know some of
the big pains that I know aboutyou in your life, so, okay,
You're next we're going to.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
We're going to have to do a podcast on.
We keep talking about it, butwe need to do a podcast on
attachment styles.
Oh yes, definitely Okay, Um,let's see I kind of skipped over
a couple.
Let me go back and look here.
What would be the first thingyou would do if you won the
lottery?
Speaker 3 (35:43):
First thing I would do if I won the lottery.
You know, I would love to saythat I would do something really
charitable, but no, I'm goingto say the first thing that came
to my mind.
I would buy a house, um, mydream house that I've always
wanted.
It would have a swimming poolin the backyard.
It would be, um, it have likeone of those fount of water
(36:03):
feature with like a fountain, sothat when I have anxiety I can
feel the and hear the watertrickling.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
It would have.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
It would have like a separate structure in the
backyard and that structurewould be for my, my clients,
because I would love to have umGary, and I had been talking
about this for a while, but Iwould love to have my um like a
casita, if you will, if you'rein Arizona, or a mother in law
suite, if you're in Illinois orWisconsin or whatever, but a
(36:32):
beautiful, like, like counselingoffice that has a very like
natural, zen, asian vibe, if youwill, with like natural ones
and neutral colors and, you know, really just like a spa feel to
it.
Um, it would be a ranch so thatGary and I can age and we don't
have to do any stairs.
(36:52):
Um, we would be able to walkout into the pool and it would
be a place where we didn't haveto escape, like a place where
all of our friends and familywould come over and they would
look forward to coming over andit would just be like a retreat
at our home.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Hmm, here's my question, my follow up question
to that Do I get to decoratethis house?
Speaker 3 (37:15):
Uh, absolutely, I already talked about that
Awesome.
All right.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
All right.
Speaker 3 (37:23):
Terry, um what is your favorite memory of us?
Speaker 2 (37:30):
Oh my gosh, this is hard.
There's so many.
Speaker 3 (37:35):
Well, you can just go with what comes up, because I'm
just kind of going with whatcomes up.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
But yeah, first thoughts, first thoughts for
book club.
For some reason, I think youknow like we were both unhappily
married and I think you know alot of the women didn't always
want to hear that, because itfeels scary to other married
women to hear people that aretheir close friends like are
struggling with that, and so Ithink you and I kind of bonded
(37:59):
over that struggle of what itfeels like to be in an unhappy
relationship and want to get outof it but feeling like you're
stuck in some ways, and that wasso.
The interesting part that wedon't talk about too much when
it comes to our friendship is wedidn't start off being as close
as we are now.
It took some time for us tobuild up to the level of
(38:20):
friendship we have now, and Ithink that's kind of the
beautiful part about it in someways, because it was just like a
you know, a very slow, slowgrowing, if I can use my words
like a crock pot instead ofbeing on an open flame.
You know, it's like we took alot of time to build on the
relationship and it was.
(38:42):
The really funny part is that wedidn't even become as close as
we could have been when we livedclose to each other.
It was not until I moved toArizona that we really made a
huge effort.
Like I remember when I wouldtravel for work and I would go
to Madison, wisconsin, and youcame up there to see me and I
would come down to Illinois andsee you and we just started
(39:04):
making our friendship such ahuge priority.
And you know, I we always saythis and it's just so frickin
true is, no matter how mundaneyour day is or maybe you even
had a great day, maybe you had acrap day like just talking to
each other and connecting alwaysmakes us feel just on a whole
(39:28):
new level.
It always brings everything upto a whole new level.
Speaker 3 (39:33):
It's unexplainable.
I've never had a friendshiplike this where I feel like I'm
healthier when we get off thephone.
It's so bizarre.
You know, I, my sister-in-law,have a similar relationship and
it's weird.
My sister-in-law was tellingGary and I the other day she
goes.
She said there's givers andthere's takers in the world.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
And she goes.
Speaker 3 (39:56):
I just want to be around givers and I want to
raise children who are givers.
I don't want to be aroundtakers.
And every time, terry, everytime we have a conversation, I
feel like I've just got somesort of like.
Whether it's peace, whetherit's serenity, whether it's
perspective or clarity or justan opportunity to vent, I just
(40:19):
feel better after everyconversation and it's very
unexplainable.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
It is, and I feel like you bring out the best in
me and sometimes even like I'msurprised by the things that
come out of my mouth that Ididn't even know were there and
you were like I needed to hearthat.
You know that was, I loved thator, you know, just always felt
feeling encouraged after ourconversation.
So, yeah, that was a very longanswer.
Speaker 3 (40:46):
Yeah, that's so awesome I love it.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
It's so tempting to say some of our vacation times,
you know, but I think it's theeveryday things.
Speaker 3 (40:55):
Yeah, I love that answer too, because I totally
thought you were going to sayone of our vacations, but I I
couldn't.
Yeah, you said it's like acrackpot and not an open flame.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
Yeah, yeah, slow, slow cooking, Is that?
Speaker 3 (41:06):
a fucking ass name.
A couple of crackpot ladies.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Maybe, maybe, all right, what is something that
you've learned about yourselfthat you had a hard time?
I had a hard time thinking ofthe wording of this question,
but this is what I really wantto know Like, what is something
that you've learned aboutyourself that you're like oh
crap, I kind of have to own that, even though it's not always
(41:30):
very favorable to own it.
Like what, what is that thing?
Speaker 3 (41:35):
I mean it's easy hands down.
I've been told this since I wasvery young my best friends
growing up in high school, and acounselor told me this.
My husband has told me this.
You haven't said it totally,but I've been around about way
you've said it.
It's hard to have conflictswith me.
I can be like a porcupine.
Like I can, like my counselorsaid, like when people come at
(41:58):
me with conflict, like it's likea cat arching its back, like I
get really defensive, like myfirst default is to get very,
very defensive.
And that has been a really thatis my nemesis is just being able
to regulate myself when peopleare upset with me, and that
comes from a trauma backgroundof living with my dad where a
(42:19):
lot of times when somebody wasupset with you, the next thing
that happened was somebody gothit.
So I know where it comes from.
It comes from a traumabackground, but I have a really
hard time.
I so admired people who areexperts at conflict when we had
Scott Tillema on the podcast andhe was an expert in helping
people, helping regulate peoplewhen they're upset.
(42:42):
I was like man.
If I could have a superpower,that would be my superpower.
Speaker 2 (42:46):
Yeah, I agree with that, he was.
We learned a lot that day.
That was a really great podcastepisode.
If you haven't listened to thatone yet, you know, make sure
you go back and listen to thatone.
I think you know, sometimes thetitles of the podcast throw
people off a little bit becauseI'm not the best at naming them.
It's not a strength.
But yeah, I think you know, oneof the things I learned that
(43:06):
day from him is you know, if youdon't face it head on, it's not
like you can ever avoid that.
You don't avoid it, you're justdeflecting it and you're
postponing it for a future date,like it's not going to go away,
right, you know conflict sticks.
So, yeah, that was a greatconversation with him that day.
(43:27):
Yeah, really good.
We've had really good guests onthis podcast.
We've been very fortunate.
Speaker 3 (43:34):
Oh my gosh, absolutely Okay.
What part of your childhood areyou nostalgic for?
Speaker 2 (43:42):
I almost feel like there's two different.
Like you know they say theGemini, you know, is like
two-faced.
Like you know, that whole Idon't even know, I can't even
like articulate the Gemini, butlike just, you know you got one
day.
You're.
This is Brian, right, you andBrian, your birthdays are a day
apart.
I literally married my husbandand, like my best friend, are
(44:02):
like almost the same people.
But, yeah, it could be so supersweet one moment, and then the
next moment he's like not mean,but like teasing in a mean way
and you're like oh, who are youtoday?
But I feel the same way aboutmy childhood a little bit,
because I feel like I'vecompartmentalized it.
(44:24):
You know, there were the yearsthat I can remember where I was
so carefree and, you know, livedin a trailer park and was so
poor but didn't even really knowit.
Speaker 1 (44:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (44:37):
And we just like we had certain areas in the trailer
park that we named all theneighborhood kids we named, and
you know, one was the field, onewas the big woods and one was
the tall grass, and we just hadsuch a carefree childhood.
I feel so bad for the kidsthese days, even like my
grandson, like he has, he has apretty good neighborhood so he
has a little bit of freedom tomove about, but we would like
(44:59):
literally leave the house in themorning and be gone all day and
we had so much fun.
We had such, you know just likeI said already, carefree
childhoods where you know wewould be at one person's house
for a little bit playing thisgame and then we decided to play
knock, knock, zoom, zoom or runin the woods, or you know we
called it the big hill.
We would slide down the bighill in the winter and I think
(45:21):
you know that was the saving,the saving grace of all the crap
that was to come, you know, alittle bit later down the line.
You know that fighting and thealcohol and the abuse, and so,
yeah, I did have a sweet spot inmy childhood, before that
really started, where I had alot of fun.
I mean, I had a lot of boys inmy neighborhood and so it was
(45:43):
interesting, you know, havingfriends that were boys and yet
you know being able to be withmy girlfriends and play Barbies
and all the other stuff.
So, yeah, there's definitely asweet spot in there.
Speaker 3 (45:56):
Yeah, you brought so many memories up in my own
childhood just listening to youtalk.
Like we would build snow forts.
We didn't have any toys.
Like we would just.
I mean, I'm sure we had someboys, but like the nature was
our toy, like we had spoons anddirt pile like tire swings and
bikes and like we were justoutside all the time.
Yeah, very nostalgic for thosedays.
(46:17):
Also, terry, I think that I'veheard you talk about like are
you, do you get nostalgic forsome of the food that you had
when you were younger?
Speaker 2 (46:25):
Yeah, my mom, you know, my, my dad was from the
south, so Alabama, and mygrandma, my mom's mom, they
lived in Wisconsin, so she hadthis sort of like southern meets
Midwestern cooking style.
And it's funny, I don't cookanything like her, Like my
cooking style is very differentfrom hers, but like I do have
(46:45):
these dishes from my childhoodthat you know, every once in a
while I pull out and I, like youknow, modernize it for the way
I cook.
But, yeah, and I have thesethese really good memories of
being up on my grandma's farm,my grandma grandpa's farm, and
my grandma was a baker.
So we had, she had this littlespot on the kitchen counter and
(47:06):
you would come in and therewould always be something like a
baked good there that you could, you know, you could grab, and
so when I started baking for mydaughters I would always tell
them they say, oh, mom is sogood or whatever.
I'd say, yeah, it has secretingredient in it and you know,
it's kind of like the joke, likethe secret ingredient is love,
you know, and I, that's how Ifelt like I felt like that was
my grandma's way of showing uslove, was like baking really
(47:28):
yummy things for us because herage, her age people, they didn't
.
My grandma never really likecuddled me or was affectionate
with me or said I love you.
You know none of that.
So I think her, her way ofshowing affection and showing
her family that she cared aboutthem was to like cook really
delicious food.
So yeah, you're right, I dohave those memories as well.
Speaker 3 (47:48):
Yeah, for all the listeners.
I'm sure you're bringing up somany memories of their childhood
foods.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
Okay, yeah, or the Facebook group, and share some
of your favorite childhood foods, especially with the holidays
here.
I mean, I imagine everybodybrought their traditional stuff
to Thanksgiving and you got yourChristmas meal that you're
going to be planning.
So head over to the Facebookgroup when you're done listening
today and share some of yourfavorite childhood food memories
.
It'd be fun to be a part of.
Speaker 3 (48:17):
Yeah, I definitely.
I think that would be fun.
Okay, so is it your turn.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
Yeah, it's my turn, let's see.
Oh, I like this question.
This is one of my favorites.
What is your favorite familytradition?
And if you don't have one, whattradition would you like to
create in your family?
Speaker 3 (48:37):
Hmm, well, immediately what comes to mind
is Noah and I.
We watch the elf every year.
With what will?
Speaker 2 (48:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (48:50):
Every year we watch that and it's just kind of our
thing.
I think that movie ishysterical.
We also watch Home Alone.
And so those two Christmasmovies.
And then I heard that the elfis coming out for a limited time
in theaters this year.
So I asked Noah if he would gowatch that with me.
(49:11):
Just the two of us, because youknow, your 17 year old teenage
boy still wants to come watch amovie with you.
Speaker 1 (49:18):
Pretty sweet so yeah, I think it would just be some
movie.
Speaker 3 (49:22):
Yeah, yeah, okay, terry, what is the craziest
thing that you have ever done?
Speaker 2 (49:30):
This is going to be on camera, on an audio version
forever.
Let's say what is the craziestthing I've ever done?
Oh God, as a teenager, I think,sometimes, because I did have
such a home life where you'realways like we're so afraid of
(49:52):
what.
You probably felt this way too.
What is going to happen whenthe next shoe drops?
What's happening next?
That's one of the things withkids that grew up in
trauma-filled, abusive homeswhat's happening next?
And so I think, when I did getthe freedom to be out, away from
them and knew they could notfind out, like I could do some
wild things, but the craziestthing, oh.
(50:14):
So I grew up in a small town4,000 people, like there wasn't
a lot to do there.
So, like, take what I'm aboutto say with a great assault.
But we drank, like we weredrinkers, like we partied at a
young age and there was a housethat we could party at the dad.
I don't know why the dad let usdo this, but he let us party at
his house all the time.
(50:35):
And one night the cops showed upand all my friends well, I
don't I want to say all of them,but there were a group of my
friends that knew I would getlike really, really bad in
trouble if I got hauled down thepolice station and had to be
picked up by my mom and stepdad.
So they hid me underneath thebed.
I mean, I was, I was so drunk,I was drinking lemonade and
(50:59):
vodka and I was.
I wish I had a size glass toshow you, but like a glass,
probably like four ounces, Iwould say I was.
I would bet people that I couldpick it up with my teeth and
down it, and they would pay memoney to do it.
So that's what I was doing thatnight.
And so when the cops showed up,they shoved me underneath the
bed and all the other kids gottaken down the police station
(51:23):
and I escaped that.
So that might have been likethe night I pushed it to the
limit, but there were probablymore to.
I'm sure there were more.
Speaker 3 (51:32):
No judge.
Speaker 2 (51:33):
Are you bringing any memories for you?
Speaker 3 (51:35):
Oh, absolutely no judgment at all.
That's why I can never smelllike peppermint alcohol,
peppermint cream to met in thewoods when I was 14.
I mean when you're in.
Wisconsin and some of theserural areas.
These kids that's.
That was their entertainment.
They would just get whateveralcohol their parents had out
and they would steal it and theywould go have fun in the woods
or wherever they were.
Speaker 2 (51:55):
You know, like man dog 20 money was like $2.50 a
bottle.
You know, like having ahangover on cheap light is the
worst.
Speaker 3 (52:04):
Yeah, thank God we were young at that time.
Okay, terry, I am going to.
Let's do one more question each, because we could keep doing
this forever.
Speaker 2 (52:13):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (52:13):
Okay, so this is.
This is a.
I asked Gary before we started.
I said, gary, give me onequestion to ask Terry, and he
wants to know, Terry, what issomething that keeps you up at
night but you rarely share withother people?
Speaker 2 (52:27):
Hmm, I share almost.
Here's the thing.
Like, going into today, Ithought Amanda's probably gonna
have a tougher time than I am,because I tend to.
I tend to share with you, I'm Ishare with you very comfortably
more than a lot of people, Iwould say.
So this kind of is going tolead into the question I'm going
to ask you next, but like Ithink all my fears come out in
(52:50):
the middle of the night.
You know, like like my mom, youknow when she, before she passed
, she was living in a rentcontrolled senior citizen
community apartment building,right, and I know I'm nothing
like my mom and I have to remindmyself that sometimes, like my
mom was very shut herself offand we talked about this a
(53:11):
little bit a couple weeks ago, Ithink, on a podcast episode but
like she had the opportunity tobecome involved in this
community that she lived inthrough podcasts and back yard
barbecues.
They had this you know deck andlike weekly bingo or you know
whatever it was, and she, herchoice was to stay in her
apartment by herself a lot, andI know that's not me, I would
(53:32):
not do that Like.
I know it's morbid as it soundswhen Brian and I talk about
like if he were to pass awayearly.
My thought is I'm movingsomewhere where there are people
close or like minded, like me,like that want to do I love
playing games, I love going onshopping trips like I want to be
where there's other seniorcitizen ladies like me that are
active and want to do stuff andwant to meet new people and want
(53:53):
to have friends.
I'm super outgoing, like thatmost of the time.
So my fears are being alone,like in the middle of the night.
I think I think what ifsomething happens to Brian?
I don't want to be alone, youknow, like I don't want to be my
mom, I don't.
I don't want to not havefriends.
I don't want to get so set inmy ways that I don't want to
(54:17):
change and I think I worry aboutthat.
And it may be hard to understandfor some people.
They like why the hell sheworried about something that
hasn't happened yet.
But, like my husband is, hismind said is so much different
about his health and mine is I'mvery focused on it and he's
very nonchalant about it and soand he does have you know pre,
(54:39):
he's pre diabetic and hasn'treally decided to make those
changes yet I'm still hopefulthat he will.
But you know, I have twofriends.
One's mom died of diabetes whenshe was in her late 60s and
another friend whose mom is veryill because she has diabetes
and she's in her 60s.
And I have this, you know, biglife imagined for Brian and I
(55:00):
after he retires, and I'mfearful that I won't get to
experience that, you know.
So those are the things I thinkabout in the middle of the
night.
They're awake.
Speaker 3 (55:13):
That was very very, because we have talked about
that a lot.
Speaker 2 (55:16):
Yeah, and my last question for you is going to be
you know, what do you fear andso it's a very similar question
to the one you asked me is likewhat is your biggest fear?
Speaker 3 (55:27):
It's interesting because, without doubt, my
biggest fear is fear itself.
I don't want to be debilitatedby fear, and so I really try to
be very resilient and accepting.
My father once said the onlything in life that you can truly
count on is change, and so thepeople that really do best in
(55:49):
life are those that embracechange and those that can can
just roll with whatever lifethrows at them.
So it's very clear for me.
I have panic disorder, so I'vebeen at the worst of what it
feels like to have fearcontrolling you, and I've done
so much work that my goal isthat, no matter what happens to
(56:09):
me in my life, that I would beable to handle it and take it in
stride and still live a veryfulfilling, joyful life, despite
whatever my circumstances are.
Speaker 2 (56:21):
Love it.
You know, I'm so glad wedecided to do this episode today
.
I really hope that, you know,people listening are very
encouraged to have some of thesemeaningful conversations with
their girlfriends.
You know, maybe if they belongto a book club, this could be
like a holiday gathering whereeverybody comes with some
questions to ask the whole groupto connect on a deeper level.
(56:45):
If it's your spouse that you'rehaving a hard time with and you
know, I thought I might say thatduring today's episode about
connecting with your spouse on adeeper level and I thought, you
know, would people think thatwas a strange thing to say,
because you should be havingthese everyday conversations
with your husband anyway.
Right, but I know, just in myown life, you know, with the
house building going on, I canbe sitting next to my husband,
(57:09):
you know, at 530 in the morningwhen we're having our coffee
together, and it feels like hecould be, you know, five miles
away from me because his mind isso much not in our on that
couch.
He is like his body is there buthis mind is like five miles
away at our property buildinghouse, wondering if he should
order some things from Chinainstead of, you know, getting
(57:31):
him in the office.
I mean, just like the litany ofthings that he thinks about
keeps him so occupied so much ofthe time that sometimes I do
have to bring him back and say,hey, where are you Like?
I want you to be like here withme right now and I feel like
you're not.
Can you please come back?
You know, and so I don't thinkit's really at all to imagine
(57:52):
that in anybody's life havingthese intimate conversations
Some of the answers I gave today, I was wondering what you might
say that might freak me out,that I'm like, oh God, I don't
want to answer that question,you know.
But I think we shouldn't beafraid to shy away from some of
these more intimateconversations, and I think for
(58:13):
some personalities that's moredifficult than it is for others.
But that's the challenge Iwould like to leave our
listeners with today is go outthere and be brave and ask some
questions to make some deeperconnections this holiday season.
Speaker 3 (58:27):
Yeah, and I would say that, on the other end, when
you are the person answering thequestion, you really get to
better know yourself and that'sa wonderful part of this, this
activity or whatever you want tocall it that we did today.
So I echo that, terry, I am sothankful that we did this today.
It is a friends giving toremember for us and I wanted to
(58:48):
end this podcast by showing thelisteners and I'm so happy that
you sent me an ornament todayand I have a Christmas ornament
and it says congrats on being mybestie, you lucky bitch.
Speaker 2 (59:04):
And it's, it's this website where you can go on and
you can make, like, the picturesof the two women and I wish you
know, like, if you're notwatching this on YouTube, maybe
we'll have to try to figure outhow to post a picture, maybe
over in our Facebook group.
But it's like I have thebiggest, hugest frizzy hair in
this picture and Amanda has likethe most beautiful, like
(59:25):
beautiful face on it.
She looks so good and it wasjust, it was very fun to buy
that for you.
I'm so glad that you saw thehumor.
I know not every woman wants tobe called a bitch, but I really
enjoyed it and I thought Ilooked hot.
Speaker 3 (59:38):
I even thought, with my gray hairs and my red shirt,
gary, my husband thought Ilooked hot as well.
So great choice, terry, greatchoice.
Speaker 2 (59:46):
Well, they didn't really have a dark haired woman
our age without gray hair.
So, oh, there you go.
All right, thank you so muchfor joining us.
Bye, bye.
Speaker 3 (01:00:01):
Bye, bye.
Speaker 2 (01:00:05):
Amanda, I don't know if this ever happens to you, but
I sometimes will learnsomething really cool on a
podcast, on YouTube, video,audio book, whatever.
I think I'm going to rememberit and then I forget.
Does that ever happen to you?
Speaker 3 (01:00:17):
Yeah, I call it brain after 40 all the time.
Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
But we've come up with something.
Do you want to introduce it?
Speaker 3 (01:00:25):
Sure, it's by.
It's from an app called quickJim quick, and it's an acronym
called fast.
Speaker 2 (01:00:32):
Yeah, and it stands for Facebook.
So we're inviting youofficially right now to come
over and join us on Facebook.
Get involved with the community, share your favorite episodes
with your friends on Facebook.
Speaker 3 (01:00:42):
Yeah, the a is go ahead and take an action, so you
can't remember anything if youdon't act.
Speaker 2 (01:00:49):
And, as is for subscribe, make sure you're
subscribed to our YouTubechannel.
Speaker 3 (01:00:53):
And then T is teach.
Teach what you've learned tosomebody else.
Share the love.
Speaker 2 (01:00:57):
All right, we hope that works for you.
Thank you for joining us.
We'll see you next week.
Speaker 3 (01:01:01):
Bye, bye.
You're listening to the what Women Want Today
podcast.
If you love the idea of beingpart of a community of women who
are looking to thrive, not justsurvive, you're in the right
place.
Join hosts Terry Cullums andAmanda Keeper each week, as they
bring you topics and guests tohelp you improve your
relationships, your health andyour emotional and spiritual
(00:23):
well-being.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Welcome to this week's episode of the what Women
Want Today podcast.
I'm your host, terry Cullums.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
And I'm your co-host, Amanda Keeper.
Happy holidays everybody.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Oh yes, how was your Thanksgiving?
Speaker 3 (00:43):
It was great.
We had a full house, we hadgrandkids over, we had my niece
over, we had our anniversarythis weekend.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
So we spent time at Chicago.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
We went to a play called Drunken Shakespeare,
which was absolutely hysterical.
It's got really great writing,so if it comes to your area, I
would recommend it.
However, it's very private,very intimate, and they put it
in small quarters.
You don't know where it's goingto pop up, and so if you're
COVID conscious, you might wantto wear a mask, because you are
(01:14):
sitting very close to people andthe actors spit a lot, which
was very troublesome to myhusband.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
You know what we also .
We went to Phoenix forThanksgiving but I didn't get
enough turkey.
So I think I'm going to cookanother turkey dinner and we'll
see if our friends that livedown here can come.
Their work schedule, her workschedule she works on the
weekends a lot, so it might notbe easy for us to do, but I saw
(01:43):
the turkeys unsealed today atthe grocery store and I thought,
yeah, I'm going to do this, I'mgoing to have a I love.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
You said that because I have been eating turkey
leftovers, which I usually donot do, and Gary was in the
kitchen earlier today and hesaid man, I just cannot get
enough turkey.
I'm not sick of it yet and I go, and I'm not sick of the
stuffing or the mashed potatoes,I was just like you know what.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
My favorite thing to eat after Thanksgiving is and
it's all cold it's turkey withleftover stuffing and some
cranberry sauce on it, andliterally what you're eating.
Yes, and some butter, becauseI'm from the Midwest so we got
to put some butter on there.
But luckily I made it throughthe holidays and stuck pretty
(02:29):
close to my low carb.
You know new way of eating thatI do, but I got on the scale
this morning.
I was a little scared and itdidn't really move, so I was
grateful for that.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
I mean it's so nice, I'm not going to weigh myself
for two weeks.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
You know, that was my original plan.
And then I thought you knowwhat, let me just see what a
couple of days of not being asstrict as for my weight, and
because I've lost six pounds now.
So I want to just like keepgoing on that.
You know, I don't want to havea setback.
So I was like, oh, do I weighmyself?
To weigh myself.
But ultimately I guess, Idecided to.
(03:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
All about the last night.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Yes, you came up with a very interesting idea for
this week's show, so I'm goingto let you go ahead and
introduce it.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Yeah, so I think it would be great to do the
Friendsgiving theme, just likeyou were talking about with
having another turkey in frontof over.
But I told Terry you know what,on our podcast, one of the
things that we really want to dois focus on relationships and
deepening the intimacy inrelationships, and that's all
relationships.
But one thing that Terry and Iagree on and we're extremely
(03:40):
fond and like passionate about,is our friendship and female
friendships in general, and sowe thought you know what, why
don't we ask each otherquestions and get to know each
other even more?
Because one thing that I knowfrom research is that if you
(04:01):
pursue each other and you keeptrying to learn more and more
and more about each other, youwill keep the intimacy growing.
And it's when you stop datingyour friend, it's when you stop
dating your spouse and youassume you know everything, that
things can get really boringand stale.
And, as you know, listeners,you've heard me talk about John
Gottman before, but he says oneof the best things that you can
(04:21):
do is really continue to buildyour landscape and your map of
your best friend or your partneror your kids, whoever's in your
life.
Just keep pursuing them andkeep trying to get to know them
intimately.
And so we thought we would havesome fun and I asked Terry to
come up with a list of questions.
I came up with a list ofquestions, and Terry and I are
going to see if we can learneven more about each other after
(04:43):
all these years of friendship,and we encourage you to do the
same thing.
You can use our questions.
We'll post a list of questionsthat I have a link for to share
with Terry and have some funwith your friends as well.
So, yeah, you know what I heard.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Oh, sorry, I just wanted to say one thing before
we jump in.
But you know, what I heard thismorning on my way to the
grocery store was I waslistening to a podcast and the
guy said, if you have hard timewith anything in life, like like
, think about it this way, keepthe simple things simpler.
And so I was like, oh, how doesthat apply?
How does that apply?
And you know, oftentimes, likeI will get together with it,
(05:21):
whether it's you or you know,being at a Thanksgiving table
with people I don't know verywell, or I had, I was lucky
enough to have brunch with mydaughter, madeline, who lives in
Flagstaff.
She happened to be in thePhoenix area, and so I was with
her and her, her boyfriend,peter, who I've only met like
three times, I think three orfour times.
And so, you know, like mythought was all about like
(05:45):
connecting.
But you're in the moment andyou're like so excited and you
don't always think of thequestions you want to ask, and
as I'm driving like the 45minutes back to where we were
staying, I'm like, oh, I wish Iwould have asked this, I wish I
would have asked that.
So if you are someone whostruggles with, like you know,
setting the stage for thoseintimate conversations.
(06:06):
This is like a life hack, likethere are so many questions.
You can go on Pinterest andthere's just a ton of questions
to connect deeper, to createintimacy with your spouse, or
you know, just feel free toborrow the ones that Amanda and
I have come up with today, but Imean keeping the simple,
simpler right.
I have the questions ahead oftime and just do it.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
Yes.
And there's like there's anunlimited amount of resources
and you'll see some in the shownotes.
Okay, so, Terry, what's thefirst thing that you notice when
you meet a person?
Speaker 2 (06:44):
That's a really good question.
I think I notice they'rethey're like demeanor, like
there's the space that they'refilling up, like are they
someone who commands attentionor are they someone who kind of
hangs back, maybe a little bitmore shy, and I think I'm
looking for that, because ifthey are the second one that I
(07:06):
said, the more shy.
You know.
I feel challenged then to bringout a conversation in them,
like to get to know them, tomake them feel included and part
of it.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
So you're kind of always looking for the unseen
person around the table.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Oh yeah, I want everybody to feel included.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Brian always compliments me on that after we
have, after we're at GetTogether.
He's like you always try tomake everybody included in the
conversation and it's not.
You know, I'm not alwayssuccessful at it, but it's like
a challenge.
Like how can I take this personthat's sitting, and oftentimes
at holiday gatherings it's hisson, braden, because he's so
quiet and I want to make him, Iwant to bring him into
(07:46):
conversation and get him to feellike he's a part of it.
So so are we going to go backand forth with these?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Yes, but we can ask follow-ups.
So, terry, you have told meabout that before.
I did know that about, so thatdoesn't really surprise me.
What goes through your mindwhen you're sitting at a table
with an alpha male like myhusband who doesn't have any
problem showing his?
Sorry, I'm laughing.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
You don't even have the question out of your mouth.
Oh, okay, what do I think youchoked?
I think it's.
That is a that's a complicatedquestion to answer, because if
it's somebody I already know,I'm probably going to respond
different than somebody who I'mmeeting for the first time.
Like, if it's somebody I'mmeeting for the first time and
(08:33):
they're giving off a vibe that Idon't care for, I'm probably
just going to back off.
I'll probably just like backoff.
It's someone like Gary and Ialready know like how this
conversation is probably goingto go, I feel free to like
interrupt you to get my own twocents in there.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
I know that answers you either.
Speaker 3 (08:59):
No, it doesn't let off, because when your face like
lights up like a Christmas treeand you look at it like, oh,
let's mess with him, let's justlike you are not in that at all.
You're like, let's go, let'shave it.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Let's do this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fun,it's fun, all right.
Here's my first question foryou what is your biggest pet
peeve?
Speaker 3 (09:24):
My biggest.
It's interesting, I've beenasked this question many times
and I already know what it isevery time and it's related to
the question that I just askedyou.
My biggest pet peeve is whenpeople have negative energy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's.
It rubs me really, really wrongand I have to really watch
myself when I'm teaching becausestudents will have their.
(09:45):
They'll come into the classroomwith really negative energy and
I have to try to navigate thatand meet them where they are and
not take it personally.
I am such like a gratefulperson and I'm a definitely a
gratitude person and I have areally hard time with pessimists
and that's probably weird tosay because I'm also a counselor
(10:05):
and I have to also handlepersonalities who are more
pessimistic and I've gotten waybetter at it.
But it's a clear answer for methat when energy walks in the
room and it's just really,really negative, I have a hard
time.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Yeah, have you ever found yourself such like trying
to put them in their place?
Speaker 3 (10:24):
Oh, I used to do that all the time with students and
then.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
I realized like this yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
And I realized this is more about me than it is
about them.
They don't have a problem withtheir pessimistic attitude.
I'm the one that has theproblem with their pessimistic
attitude and I had to stop beingso like self-centered in many
ways, like you know what.
Maybe my class isn't for them,maybe college isn't for them,
maybe they're being forced to behere, maybe the person that
walked in doesn't like theholidays.
(10:51):
I just really have tounderstand that it's not always
about my preference, butrecognize and put it in check
that it is true it's hard for me, but I'm working on it.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Yeah, very interesting.
I've been in classes where theteacher was very visibly
irritated and tried to put thestudent first, the patients and
then when the patient's worth in.
Then it was like trying to setexpectations for how often you
should speak up and when it'stime to let the class flow, kind
(11:24):
of thing.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
Yeah, interesting, okay.
So, terry, if you could tradeplaces with someone for the day,
who would you choose to tradeplaces with, and why?
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Great question who would I trade places with?
Well, it probably wouldn't bebecause I envy their life.
It would probably be becauseI'd want to learn something like
living inside of another personand understanding something
from their perspective.
(11:55):
So that's probably the angle Iwould take.
So it would have to be somebodythat has a skill that I long
for, that I struggle with.
I would say, I would say like amarketing, like a, because
that's where I struggle withthis podcast is, you know,
(12:18):
getting getting enough people topay attention to it.
So I think the big ones thatstand out in my mind are
probably ones are going to befamiliar to some people.
Gary Vee is a big one and Ilove how he throws the F bond
around a lot, because it's likemy favorite word lately.
And, um, oh, I just had someoneelse in my head, and who was it
(12:41):
?
Oh gosh, you know who I want tobe?
I got it Joe Rogan.
I want to, I want to be insideJoe Rogan's head for the day.
He's like an amazing.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
Okay, what is it that you love about Joe Rogan?
Speaker 2 (12:58):
You know, I don't know his political leanings and
I really honestly don't carewhat his political leanings are.
I've heard people say he's, youknow, kind of towards the
middle.
Maybe that's why I don't want Idon't listen to his show all
the time but he does show up alot like in your like news feed
or whatever they call that onYouTube when you're watching on
the little or the shorter videosthe shorts they call him.
(13:19):
He shows up a lot in there andhe has he has a really um, a
really unique perspective onthings.
And why is?
I feel like he's wise andpeople seem to just love him.
So yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
I would agree After you watch.
I've never even heard of it.
I've never.
I've heard of Joe Rogan, butI've never listened to him yet,
so I need to add that to my list.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
You do.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
All right, what's?
Speaker 2 (13:42):
next.
All right, here we go.
What would your perfect daylook like?
Speaker 3 (13:50):
Oh gosh.
Well, my perfect day, would Imean immediately.
I'd be on the water somewhere.
I would be with my favoritepeople.
I would be active.
I would be walking.
To be honest, I've had lots ofreally great days this year.
I would be walking.
I'd be in nature.
(14:12):
I would have really good food,like a charcuterie board would
be wonderful.
You know, immediately I go tojust people that I'm comfortable
with and there's no posturingor no masking, but it's like
your people.
And you can just be present andyou don't have any
responsibilities that are onyour plate preoccupying you.
(14:32):
There's no like um to do listin the back of your mind, like
everything is caught up, and sothat you can be 100% mindful and
present wherever you are, withyour loved ones, in nature, by
water yeah, that would be it inthe sun.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
It'd be a great sunny day and it would be.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Um gosh.
And some great food, that'd begreat.
A nice glass of wine, not toomuch, but a nice glass of wine
or two.
Or some champagne, some bubbly,that would be great.
Just to elevate the mood alittle bit, but not too much,
amanda.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
You know I love that question because I feel like
that question is such an easyone as an icebreaker with people
you don't know very well.
Because, man, what a way to getto know somebody like do you
prefer the mountains or do youprefer the beach?
You know, it's just like areally easy entry question.
And then I find that when youhave and Brian loves to ask
similar questions to people,because he's one of those that
(15:30):
like will throw the questionsout there and people just like
respond, respond, respond.
He doesn't often like say toomuch, whereas I'm like over here
chomping at the bit to likeshare some experience that we've
had, you know.
But I think it's a great one toreally connect with somebody
and find common commonalities.
You know that's a greatquestion.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Actually, I love that you and Brian have talked about
that many times, and your, whenyou vacation and things like
that, so I love that.
Okay, terry.
Do you believe in ghosts or anyparanormal activity?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
You know what I so funny?
I don't know if you considerthis paranormal or not, but
maybe you do.
I often will find dimes inrandom places and I always say
that my mom left them for me.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
You know like.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
I mean literally when we get home from a trip or
something, I will empty out thesuitcase entirely, like that's
my thing, like I just want toget that bag unpacked right away
, get the suitcase put away.
And then just recently we wentsomewhere and I pulled out this.
Oh it's when I went to KansasCity to see my daughters I
pulled out the suitcase.
There was a diamond there.
I'm like I know that time wasnot there and so, yeah, I find
(16:45):
them in the weirdest places andsometimes I think Brian plans
some.
So I'll say, did you put thatdime there?
And I'll be like no baby, I didnot put that dime there.
As far as like anything likebigger than that, I you know I
never rule anything out.
I think if there's apossibility, I'm not going to be
the one to say I'll listen,I'll be open to hearing about it
(17:07):
.
I've been to a psychic a fewtimes.
I've had my cards read and I'vewalked away like being kind of
impressed with what they said afew times.
So I guess I do have somebelief in it.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
Yeah, you know what, now that I asked that question,
I knew more than I thought, butthe conversation is reminding me
.
One time we had a greatconversation off of 173 in
Love's Park and you were talkingto me about past life
regression.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Yes, and they said I drowned in a previous life.
And it makes kind of sensebecause I'm really afraid to put
my face under the water.
When I've talked about this onthe podcast, like I have, I get
like full blown anxiety and likea little panic attack.
When I go snorkeling and I loveit, I love it, but when,
initially, when I'm in thatsituation, it feels new every
(17:55):
single time and all the timesthat Brian and I have been
snorkeling this last time thatwe went was the first time he
didn't have to hold my hand andlike keep constant track of me I
was like I'm good dude, I gotthis like and I actually swam
and snorkeled by myself.
But but yeah, I, you know, I, Ilove the water, I love being by
(18:15):
it, I love the peacefulnessthat it brings, and but you want
me to put my face in it.
That's an entirely differentstory.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
So, yeah, about that Interesting Okay.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
My turn, right, okay, all right, amanda, you've come
across a magic lamp and a geniepops out and grants you three
wishes.
What?
Speaker 3 (18:38):
are they?
Oh, my goodness, this is soexciting.
The first thing that came tomind.
The first thing that came tomind was enough money in my bank
account that I wouldn't have tolook at my bank account.
I don't need to be like Uberrich, but I would love to have
enough money because to me,money equals freedom, and I
(19:01):
would love to be able to.
And it's almost like that onewish gives me, like the other
wishes, but no, not all of them.
Anyway, yeah, enough money whereI didn't have to look in my
bank account at things, becausethen I would have the freedom to
really travel as much as Iwanted to and take days off when
I want to take them, because mywork schedule is very, very
flexible and I do have theability.
(19:23):
If I had more funds right,number two hands down would be
that I would die in my sleep.
Huh, why I?
Well, I've just, you know,watching my parents die a long,
painful death of cancer andwatching other people that I
care about die and they have tofind out that they have a
(19:45):
terminal illness and just like,the psychological pain and the
toll that that causes on themand their families is really,
really difficult.
So I would love to you knowwhen I die die in my sleep, and
that's just it.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Okay, I'll question that one.
Do you want me to ask you now,or do you want me to wait till
you're done with your third one?
Speaker 3 (20:06):
Oh, wait till I'm done with my third one, so you
don't plant something.
Yeah, yeah, you know what?
And I think my third wish wouldbe that all my friends and
family that I care about wouldalso die in their sleep and not
have a long, painful death.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Okay.
So here's my follow-up question, because I've had this
conversation with people before.
If you knew you had a terminalillness and only they gave you
three months to live let's sayso a very short time and there
was no possibility of them beingwrong would you rather spend
that time without your familyand friends thinking about oh my
God, she's only got threemonths left and just enjoy the
(20:49):
three months and not tell them,or would you want them to know
so that they could prepare andsay their proper goodbyes to you
?
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Well, I went through that with my mom.
I mean my mom, you know.
They told me that she was.
I asked the Palliative CareDoctor, when I found out that
she was going to die, how longshe had and she said they said
three to nine months and shelived exactly nine months.
And I absolutely would want toknow, and I would want my family
(21:19):
to know.
I would want all of you know.
I would just want to spend asmuch time as humanly possible.
I'd want to.
I don't want them to, you know,not have to be able to have a
part of creating a verymeaningful death experience.
I have actually seen thathospice care workers and
palliative care workers can makeit one of the most beautiful
(21:40):
things as part of living, likedying is also part of living
when you do know it.
It's very difficult.
It's very, very hard, but itcan be done well and I truly
believe that and I think thatpeople have.
When they have more agency overit, then they can cope with it
better and process it better.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
You do realize.
You just contradict yourself inyour answers, right?
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Yeah, because I wanted to die in my sleep.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Yeah, I didn't even think about it until you were
done with your answer.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
But I'm saying that if I, I would love to die in my
sleep.
But if I, if I had to know thatI'm dying, I would ask the
question.
The question was if you had toknow that you're dying, would
you want your family and friendsto know?
Yes, Okay.
Yeah, you're right.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
That's different.
That's different.
Okay, your turn.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
All right, okay, okay .
What song could you listen toon repeat for the rest of your
life?
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Absolutely none, Absolutely none.
You know what?
It's weird?
I'm not a big music person.
I never really have been.
We have like three radiostations down here and I think
two of them are Mexican music inone of them's country and I do
not like country music at alland I don't understand the
(23:00):
Mexican music, so it's not veryenjoyable.
So when I'm driving back andforth into town to do stuff, I'd
rather just be quiet or listento a podcast.
I don't mean that.
Even this morning, like one ofmy favorite things to do when it
gets chilly out for some reason, especially around Christmas,
is I turn on YouTube and theyhave like those fake fireplace
(23:20):
scenes and we have a pretty bigscreen TV so it can actually
make it feel like you reallyhave a fireplace, just minus the
nice warmth of it.
But this morning I thought, ohit's, you know it's, it's
Christmas music season.
There is a season betweenThanksgiving and Christmas and
it's called Christmas musicseason and I thought, oh, maybe
I'll listen to some Christmasmusic.
But I was making a grocery list, thinking about the questions
(23:43):
for our talk today, and Ithought, no, that's just too
much noise, there's too muchnoise in my head, and I just
turned it back to a station thatwas just playing crackling fire
noises, so there is absolutelyno song that I would want to
listen to on repeat.
So does that surprise you atall?
Like because I'm wondering ifsome of these questions like
that we're asking each otherlike deep down, do we really
(24:04):
know the answers to some ofthese questions already?
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Well, it does surprise me because, girl, I
have seen you dance to some 80srock music and that day, when we
were on the boat with Anjanetteand Brian, when you came here
this summer, I mean you werelike in your heyday, like you
know a sunny day on a, a sunnyday on a boat, with some good
80s rock music, and you wereloving life.
(24:28):
So yeah, it does.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
Yeah, that's true, you are right about that.
I love dancing.
I do love to dance, especiallyif I've had a glass of wine.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
It brings out the happy wins.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
When you had your wedding, you and your girls and
your family and grandma and allthe kids were dancing.
You were dancing fools, likeyou were having good times.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
That's kind of a funny answer.
Okay, what is the best piece ofadvice you've ever been given
and what is the worst?
Speaker 3 (25:07):
I think, the best piece of advice that I've ever
been given.
Well, I don't know if I've beengiven the advice that came to
my mind.
So let me think about.
You know, I read a lot and I doa lot of self development.
Well, I know.
So.
My mentor, martha Cooper, when Iwas in grad school for
(25:30):
communications, she told me whenit comes to career, choose the
option that gives you moreoptions.
When it comes to career notrelationships, because I
couldn't get Harry, but when itcomes to career and maybe that's
true too, but not in myexperience, I don't know but she
(25:51):
said when it comes to career,choose the option that gives you
more options.
So when I was getting anotherdegree, I could have gotten a
PhD in communication, but reallyit kept me in the same field
and instead of doing that, I gotanother master's degree or MSED
in clinical mental counseling.
So now I have options.
If I get tired of you know,I've been teaching 25 years I
(26:11):
can retire early if I want to.
I'm not stuck in anyone.
And I'm not stuck in anyonecareer, because I have a skill
set and I'm tooled up for atleast a couple of different
careers.
So I think that was greatadvice.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
It is amazing advice.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Yeah, Worst advice.
When I was getting divorcedfrom my first husband, my uncle
said we don't get divorced inthis family, we stay together,
we stay together.
Well, I listened to him.
I'm glad I didn't listen to himbecause that was not a good
match and I've seen others thatare matched and stay together
and they're absolutely miserableand their physical health
(26:49):
totally wears out and tears themdown.
And I think my mom was one ofthem included, even though you
know I am glad they stayedtogether, but I think that she
paid a price for it for hermental and her physical health
because he was undiagnosed ofPTSD with a medic in the Vietnam
War.
So I think that's horribleadvice.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yeah, I think it is too.
And as a professional mentalhealth counselor, do you think
that's wise for the children Imean?
Speaker 1 (27:17):
is it better for the?
Speaker 2 (27:18):
children.
I think you know like, yeah, doyou have to help your children
cope with divorce?
On the other hand, I alwayswonder like wouldn't it be
better if they could see anexample of a real love, a true
love, something that they couldaspire to?
Speaker 3 (27:36):
Yes, 100%, and I know people that have left marriages
because somebody is an addictand they left the person, and
then the person they weremarried to like died an early
death because they never stoppeddoing drugs at all and you know
that's just one example and youknow they chose not to have a
(27:58):
life sentence with thataddiction when they divorced
that person and I don't blamethem for that, for getting their
children out of a situationlike that.
So there's many, that's just oneexample, but there's many, many
reasons.
So, yeah, that'd be my answer.
Okay, terry, if you would havehad a boy instead of four girls,
(28:19):
how do you think you would havebeen as a boy mom, and what
would have been some possiblenames for your boy?
Speaker 2 (28:32):
You know I love the vibe of our weekend podcasts
versus our weekday podcasts andI just want the audience to know
.
You see me in a man to drinksome wine.
This is my first glass.
This is her and I when we startthese conversations.
So you're getting the real dealhere, Okay, well, I do have
three.
Speaker 3 (28:51):
You're getting when we go to our Mexico trips and
truly, this is just us havingfun, being us.
We've only had half a glass ofwine each because we agreed that
we're just starting to loosenup the gears a little bit, but
this is literally how ourvacation days go for like hours.
But go ahead, terry.
Absolutely, absolutely If youcould have had a boy, yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
I actually have three step sons, so I kind of, you
know, I kind of did have someboys, but I think the youngest,
braden, was eight when we met.
So I've not had a baby boy.
I do, however, have two nephews, so I kind of I kind of get the
whole vibe.
I think I'm a really great girlmom.
I don't think I was meant tohave boys.
I don't get them, I just don't.
(29:33):
I'm not, I'm very girly, so I'mnot like the tomboy, I'm not
even like a tomboy, so I can'tlike the whole boy vibe.
Like, even for my, my grandson,finley, brian, usually ends up
doing like, most of the like.
Playing with him now that he'solder, like when he was a baby,
was different.
Now that he's older, brian doesmost of the playing.
(29:54):
They play like cops and robbersand all this stuff, you know.
And Brian always buys his gifts.
Because I'm terrible, I'm aterrible gift giver in the first
place, but to try to figure outwhat a boy wants, I'm like I
have no idea.
I think what's funny is thatthere's like this, like this
false perception that raisingboys is so much easier than
(30:17):
raising girls.
And I have to say, like, if Icompare only Brian's children
and my, my girls, my girls wereso easy at the first part of
their life and then they hit theteenage years.
I see Brian and Brian's middleson listens to this podcast
quite a bit.
Brian's middle son I love you,hunter which you are the
(30:39):
exception to the rule.
He is, he, he's a lot of dramafor a boy.
He's a lot of drama.
He proved it at Thanksgivingthis year.
So if he's listening he knowswhat I'm talking about.
Like he he's like tells theseall land just stories that like
maybe have like a tenth of truthto them and like 90% bullshit.
(31:02):
So yeah, yeah, it's a littlebit long.
Speaker 3 (31:05):
Great he needs to meet my husband then.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Yeah right.
So I think you know, like hisoldest son, like stoic and just
really hard to get him to openup, and same with the younger
one, but just in a in adifferent way.
So I loved when my girls werelittle.
I loved the tea parties and,you know, doing crafts with them
and I would teach them littledances to perform for our family
(31:29):
at Christmas time and I loveteaching them to bake and just
like everything that went withbeing a girl mom.
So I definitely think God knewwhat he was doing when he made
me a girl mom.
But if, if Madeline, who I kindof thought was going to be a
boy, my last, my last daughter,we were going to name her
Harrison because my, my marriedname at the time was Ford,
(31:50):
harrison Ford, I don't know.
I don't know if we would havewent through with that, but it
was.
It was funny to talk about yeah.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Never knew that.
I never knew that.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
Okay, so this one I kind of like put on my list and
took it off and put it back onhere again.
But what change have youexperienced in life that taught
you the most lessons, or thatmaybe, like the deepest lesson,
most stick worthy lesson?
Speaker 3 (32:22):
Well, I would have to say, it's my parents passing
away within four months of eachother.
So the lesson is this it ispossible to get through
excruciating pain and findmeaning and purpose and forge a
(32:43):
life and not be debilitated byit.
It's hard, it's difficult, it'shard to find time, but it is
possible if you allow yourselfto grieve but then also get back
in the game and start livingagain.
Our loved ones don't want us tostop living.
(33:03):
Our loved ones absolutely do notwant us to stop living.
So the absolute best way that Ican enter my parents' legacy is
by continuing to live a full,rich life.
My parents I can hear theirvoices in my head.
My dad would be, like buck up,it's time to buck up.
(33:24):
And then my mom she would Imean I can literally hear her
voice She'd be like it's okay,amanda, you're going to be okay.
She was more soothing.
She was more soothing, but yeah, it's possible to get through
excruciating experiences andstill live a happy, full life.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Yeah, yeah, you gave me goosebumps.
You gave me goosebumps, yougave me all the feels.
Speaker 3 (33:48):
Carrie, do you have any recurring dreams or
nightmares?
Reoccurring dreams ornightmares?
Speaker 2 (33:58):
I do, and it's funny because Brian does too and I
think they're anxiety driven,like kids are like always that
water's coming into the house,the house is flooding, and now I
say that's because he feelsoverwhelmed with the house
building, and by and do, we'vebeen building houses for like
five years in a row.
So for me, mine is alwayssomeone's hurting me, sometimes
(34:22):
physically, but usually alwaysphysically and emotionally.
It's always something's beingtaken from me.
It's can be different scenarios, but it's usually the same,
like a betrayal or hurt, likeyou know, like that kind of
thing it's not fun to wake upfrom.
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
And you wake up and does it feel super real, like
you have to jolt yourself out ofit.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Yeah, and like you don't want to fall back to sleep
because you don't want to keepdreaming it, because you know
you have those dreams where youwake up and you're like, oh,
that guy was really hot, can Igo back to sleep?
Yeah, you don't want to go.
You don't want to go back tosleep after you have those kind
of dreams Like you feel likeyour heart's beating fast and
like you know like you're, youknow like you're a little sweaty
and clammy and just like shoo.
(35:07):
Thank God that was just a dream, kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (35:09):
Yeah.
And that makes a lot of sensewith.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sensewith like, um, you know some of
the big pains that I know aboutyou in your life, so, okay,
You're next we're going to.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
We're going to have to do a podcast on.
We keep talking about it, butwe need to do a podcast on
attachment styles.
Oh yes, definitely Okay, Um,let's see I kind of skipped over
a couple.
Let me go back and look here.
What would be the first thingyou would do if you won the
lottery?
Speaker 3 (35:43):
First thing I would do if I won the lottery.
You know, I would love to saythat I would do something really
charitable, but no, I'm goingto say the first thing that came
to my mind.
I would buy a house, um, mydream house that I've always
wanted.
It would have a swimming poolin the backyard.
It would be, um, it have likeone of those fount of water
(36:03):
feature with like a fountain, sothat when I have anxiety I can
feel the and hear the watertrickling.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
It would have.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
It would have like a separate structure in the
backyard and that structurewould be for my, my clients,
because I would love to have umGary, and I had been talking
about this for a while, but Iwould love to have my um like a
casita, if you will, if you'rein Arizona, or a mother in law
suite, if you're in Illinois orWisconsin or whatever, but a
(36:32):
beautiful, like, like counselingoffice that has a very like
natural, zen, asian vibe, if youwill, with like natural ones
and neutral colors and, you know, really just like a spa feel to
it.
Um, it would be a ranch so thatGary and I can age and we don't
have to do any stairs.
(36:52):
Um, we would be able to walkout into the pool and it would
be a place where we didn't haveto escape, like a place where
all of our friends and familywould come over and they would
look forward to coming over andit would just be like a retreat
at our home.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Hmm, here's my question, my follow up question
to that Do I get to decoratethis house?
Speaker 3 (37:15):
Uh, absolutely, I already talked about that
Awesome.
All right.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
All right.
Speaker 3 (37:23):
Terry, um what is your favorite memory of us?
Speaker 2 (37:30):
Oh my gosh, this is hard.
There's so many.
Speaker 3 (37:35):
Well, you can just go with what comes up, because I'm
just kind of going with whatcomes up.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
But yeah, first thoughts, first thoughts for
book club.
For some reason, I think youknow like we were both unhappily
married and I think you know alot of the women didn't always
want to hear that, because itfeels scary to other married
women to hear people that aretheir close friends like are
struggling with that, and so Ithink you and I kind of bonded
(37:59):
over that struggle of what itfeels like to be in an unhappy
relationship and want to get outof it but feeling like you're
stuck in some ways, and that wasso.
The interesting part that wedon't talk about too much when
it comes to our friendship is wedidn't start off being as close
as we are now.
It took some time for us tobuild up to the level of
(38:20):
friendship we have now, and Ithink that's kind of the
beautiful part about it in someways, because it was just like a
you know, a very slow, slowgrowing, if I can use my words
like a crock pot instead ofbeing on an open flame.
You know, it's like we took alot of time to build on the
relationship and it was.
(38:42):
The really funny part is that wedidn't even become as close as
we could have been when we livedclose to each other.
It was not until I moved toArizona that we really made a
huge effort.
Like I remember when I wouldtravel for work and I would go
to Madison, wisconsin, and youcame up there to see me and I
would come down to Illinois andsee you and we just started
(39:04):
making our friendship such ahuge priority.
And you know, I we always saythis and it's just so frickin
true is, no matter how mundaneyour day is or maybe you even
had a great day, maybe you had acrap day like just talking to
each other and connecting alwaysmakes us feel just on a whole
(39:28):
new level.
It always brings everything upto a whole new level.
Speaker 3 (39:33):
It's unexplainable.
I've never had a friendshiplike this where I feel like I'm
healthier when we get off thephone.
It's so bizarre.
You know, I, my sister-in-law,have a similar relationship and
it's weird.
My sister-in-law was tellingGary and I the other day she
goes.
She said there's givers andthere's takers in the world.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
And she goes.
Speaker 3 (39:56):
I just want to be around givers and I want to
raise children who are givers.
I don't want to be aroundtakers.
And every time, terry, everytime we have a conversation, I
feel like I've just got somesort of like.
Whether it's peace, whetherit's serenity, whether it's
perspective or clarity or justan opportunity to vent, I just
(40:19):
feel better after everyconversation and it's very
unexplainable.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
It is, and I feel like you bring out the best in
me and sometimes even like I'msurprised by the things that
come out of my mouth that Ididn't even know were there and
you were like I needed to hearthat.
You know that was, I loved thator, you know, just always felt
feeling encouraged after ourconversation.
So, yeah, that was a very longanswer.
Speaker 3 (40:46):
Yeah, that's so awesome I love it.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
It's so tempting to say some of our vacation times,
you know, but I think it's theeveryday things.
Speaker 3 (40:55):
Yeah, I love that answer too, because I totally
thought you were going to sayone of our vacations, but I I
couldn't.
Yeah, you said it's like acrackpot and not an open flame.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
Yeah, yeah, slow, slow cooking, Is that?
Speaker 3 (41:06):
a fucking ass name.
A couple of crackpot ladies.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Maybe, maybe, all right, what is something that
you've learned about yourselfthat you had a hard time?
I had a hard time thinking ofthe wording of this question,
but this is what I really wantto know Like, what is something
that you've learned aboutyourself that you're like oh
crap, I kind of have to own that, even though it's not always
(41:30):
very favorable to own it.
Like what, what is that thing?
Speaker 3 (41:35):
I mean it's easy hands down.
I've been told this since I wasvery young my best friends
growing up in high school, and acounselor told me this.
My husband has told me this.
You haven't said it totally,but I've been around about way
you've said it.
It's hard to have conflictswith me.
I can be like a porcupine.
Like I can, like my counselorsaid, like when people come at
(41:58):
me with conflict, like it's likea cat arching its back, like I
get really defensive, like myfirst default is to get very,
very defensive.
And that has been a really thatis my nemesis is just being able
to regulate myself when peopleare upset with me, and that
comes from a trauma backgroundof living with my dad where a
(42:19):
lot of times when somebody wasupset with you, the next thing
that happened was somebody gothit.
So I know where it comes from.
It comes from a traumabackground, but I have a really
hard time.
I so admired people who areexperts at conflict when we had
Scott Tillema on the podcast andhe was an expert in helping
people, helping regulate peoplewhen they're upset.
(42:42):
I was like man.
If I could have a superpower,that would be my superpower.
Speaker 2 (42:46):
Yeah, I agree with that, he was.
We learned a lot that day.
That was a really great podcastepisode.
If you haven't listened to thatone yet, you know, make sure
you go back and listen to thatone.
I think you know, sometimes thetitles of the podcast throw
people off a little bit becauseI'm not the best at naming them.
It's not a strength.
But yeah, I think you know, oneof the things I learned that
(43:06):
day from him is you know, if youdon't face it head on, it's not
like you can ever avoid that.
You don't avoid it, you're justdeflecting it and you're
postponing it for a future date,like it's not going to go away,
right, you know conflict sticks.
So, yeah, that was a greatconversation with him that day.
(43:27):
Yeah, really good.
We've had really good guests onthis podcast.
We've been very fortunate.
Speaker 3 (43:34):
Oh my gosh, absolutely Okay.
What part of your childhood areyou nostalgic for?
Speaker 2 (43:42):
I almost feel like there's two different.
Like you know they say theGemini, you know, is like
two-faced.
Like you know, that whole Idon't even know, I can't even
like articulate the Gemini, butlike just, you know you got one
day.
You're.
This is Brian, right, you andBrian, your birthdays are a day
apart.
I literally married my husbandand, like my best friend, are
(44:02):
like almost the same people.
But, yeah, it could be so supersweet one moment, and then the
next moment he's like not mean,but like teasing in a mean way
and you're like oh, who are youtoday?
But I feel the same way aboutmy childhood a little bit,
because I feel like I'vecompartmentalized it.
(44:24):
You know, there were the yearsthat I can remember where I was
so carefree and, you know, livedin a trailer park and was so
poor but didn't even really knowit.
Speaker 1 (44:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (44:37):
And we just like we had certain areas in the trailer
park that we named all theneighborhood kids we named, and
you know, one was the field, onewas the big woods and one was
the tall grass, and we just hadsuch a carefree childhood.
I feel so bad for the kidsthese days, even like my
grandson, like he has, he has apretty good neighborhood so he
has a little bit of freedom tomove about, but we would like
(44:59):
literally leave the house in themorning and be gone all day and
we had so much fun.
We had such, you know just likeI said already, carefree
childhoods where you know wewould be at one person's house
for a little bit playing thisgame and then we decided to play
knock, knock, zoom, zoom or runin the woods, or you know we
called it the big hill.
We would slide down the bighill in the winter and I think
(45:21):
you know that was the saving,the saving grace of all the crap
that was to come, you know, alittle bit later down the line.
You know that fighting and thealcohol and the abuse, and so,
yeah, I did have a sweet spot inmy childhood, before that
really started, where I had alot of fun.
I mean, I had a lot of boys inmy neighborhood and so it was
(45:43):
interesting, you know, havingfriends that were boys and yet
you know being able to be withmy girlfriends and play Barbies
and all the other stuff.
So, yeah, there's definitely asweet spot in there.
Speaker 3 (45:56):
Yeah, you brought so many memories up in my own
childhood just listening to youtalk.
Like we would build snow forts.
We didn't have any toys.
Like we would just.
I mean, I'm sure we had someboys, but like the nature was
our toy, like we had spoons anddirt pile like tire swings and
bikes and like we were justoutside all the time.
Yeah, very nostalgic for thosedays.
(46:17):
Also, terry, I think that I'veheard you talk about like are
you, do you get nostalgic forsome of the food that you had
when you were younger?
Speaker 2 (46:25):
Yeah, my mom, you know, my, my dad was from the
south, so Alabama, and mygrandma, my mom's mom, they
lived in Wisconsin, so she hadthis sort of like southern meets
Midwestern cooking style.
And it's funny, I don't cookanything like her, Like my
cooking style is very differentfrom hers, but like I do have
(46:45):
these dishes from my childhoodthat you know, every once in a
while I pull out and I, like youknow, modernize it for the way
I cook.
But, yeah, and I have thesethese really good memories of
being up on my grandma's farm,my grandma grandpa's farm, and
my grandma was a baker.
So we had, she had this littlespot on the kitchen counter and
(47:06):
you would come in and therewould always be something like a
baked good there that you could, you know, you could grab, and
so when I started baking for mydaughters I would always tell
them they say, oh, mom is sogood or whatever.
I'd say, yeah, it has secretingredient in it and you know,
it's kind of like the joke, likethe secret ingredient is love,
you know, and I, that's how Ifelt like I felt like that was
my grandma's way of showing uslove, was like baking really
(47:28):
yummy things for us because herage, her age people, they didn't
.
My grandma never really likecuddled me or was affectionate
with me or said I love you.
You know none of that.
So I think her, her way ofshowing affection and showing
her family that she cared aboutthem was to like cook really
delicious food.
So yeah, you're right, I dohave those memories as well.
Speaker 3 (47:48):
Yeah, for all the listeners.
I'm sure you're bringing up somany memories of their childhood
foods.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
Okay, yeah, or the Facebook group, and share some
of your favorite childhood foods, especially with the holidays
here.
I mean, I imagine everybodybrought their traditional stuff
to Thanksgiving and you got yourChristmas meal that you're
going to be planning.
So head over to the Facebookgroup when you're done listening
today and share some of yourfavorite childhood food memories
.
It'd be fun to be a part of.
Speaker 3 (48:17):
Yeah, I definitely.
I think that would be fun.
Okay, so is it your turn.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
Yeah, it's my turn, let's see.
Oh, I like this question.
This is one of my favorites.
What is your favorite familytradition?
And if you don't have one, whattradition would you like to
create in your family?
Speaker 3 (48:37):
Hmm, well, immediately what comes to mind
is Noah and I.
We watch the elf every year.
With what will?
Speaker 2 (48:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (48:50):
Every year we watch that and it's just kind of our
thing.
I think that movie ishysterical.
We also watch Home Alone.
And so those two Christmasmovies.
And then I heard that the elfis coming out for a limited time
in theaters this year.
So I asked Noah if he would gowatch that with me.
(49:11):
Just the two of us, because youknow, your 17 year old teenage
boy still wants to come watch amovie with you.
Speaker 1 (49:18):
Pretty sweet so yeah, I think it would just be some
movie.
Speaker 3 (49:22):
Yeah, yeah, okay, terry, what is the craziest
thing that you have ever done?
Speaker 2 (49:30):
This is going to be on camera, on an audio version
forever.
Let's say what is the craziestthing I've ever done?
Oh God, as a teenager, I think,sometimes, because I did have
such a home life where you'realways like we're so afraid of
(49:52):
what.
You probably felt this way too.
What is going to happen whenthe next shoe drops?
What's happening next?
That's one of the things withkids that grew up in
trauma-filled, abusive homeswhat's happening next?
And so I think, when I did getthe freedom to be out, away from
them and knew they could notfind out, like I could do some
wild things, but the craziestthing, oh.
(50:14):
So I grew up in a small town4,000 people, like there wasn't
a lot to do there.
So, like, take what I'm aboutto say with a great assault.
But we drank, like we weredrinkers, like we partied at a
young age and there was a housethat we could party at the dad.
I don't know why the dad let usdo this, but he let us party at
his house all the time.
(50:35):
And one night the cops showed upand all my friends well, I
don't I want to say all of them,but there were a group of my
friends that knew I would getlike really, really bad in
trouble if I got hauled down thepolice station and had to be
picked up by my mom and stepdad.
So they hid me underneath thebed.
I mean, I was, I was so drunk,I was drinking lemonade and
(50:59):
vodka and I was.
I wish I had a size glass toshow you, but like a glass,
probably like four ounces, Iwould say I was.
I would bet people that I couldpick it up with my teeth and
down it, and they would pay memoney to do it.
So that's what I was doing thatnight.
And so when the cops showed up,they shoved me underneath the
bed and all the other kids gottaken down the police station
(51:23):
and I escaped that.
So that might have been likethe night I pushed it to the
limit, but there were probablymore to.
I'm sure there were more.
Speaker 3 (51:32):
No judge.
Speaker 2 (51:33):
Are you bringing any memories for you?
Speaker 3 (51:35):
Oh, absolutely no judgment at all.
That's why I can never smelllike peppermint alcohol,
peppermint cream to met in thewoods when I was 14.
I mean when you're in.
Wisconsin and some of theserural areas.
These kids that's.
That was their entertainment.
They would just get whateveralcohol their parents had out
and they would steal it and theywould go have fun in the woods
or wherever they were.
Speaker 2 (51:55):
You know, like man dog 20 money was like $2.50 a
bottle.
You know, like having ahangover on cheap light is the
worst.
Speaker 3 (52:04):
Yeah, thank God we were young at that time.
Okay, terry, I am going to.
Let's do one more question each, because we could keep doing
this forever.
Speaker 2 (52:13):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (52:13):
Okay, so this is.
This is a.
I asked Gary before we started.
I said, gary, give me onequestion to ask Terry, and he
wants to know, Terry, what issomething that keeps you up at
night but you rarely share withother people?
Speaker 2 (52:27):
Hmm, I share almost.
Here's the thing.
Like, going into today, Ithought Amanda's probably gonna
have a tougher time than I am,because I tend to.
I tend to share with you, I'm Ishare with you very comfortably
more than a lot of people, Iwould say.
So this kind of is going tolead into the question I'm going
to ask you next, but like Ithink all my fears come out in
(52:50):
the middle of the night.
You know, like like my mom, youknow when she, before she passed
, she was living in a rentcontrolled senior citizen
community apartment building,right, and I know I'm nothing
like my mom and I have to remindmyself that sometimes, like my
mom was very shut herself offand we talked about this a
(53:11):
little bit a couple weeks ago, Ithink, on a podcast episode but
like she had the opportunity tobecome involved in this
community that she lived inthrough podcasts and back yard
barbecues.
They had this you know deck andlike weekly bingo or you know
whatever it was, and she, herchoice was to stay in her
apartment by herself a lot, andI know that's not me, I would
(53:32):
not do that Like.
I know it's morbid as it soundswhen Brian and I talk about
like if he were to pass awayearly.
My thought is I'm movingsomewhere where there are people
close or like minded, like me,like that want to do I love
playing games, I love going onshopping trips like I want to be
where there's other seniorcitizen ladies like me that are
active and want to do stuff andwant to meet new people and want
(53:53):
to have friends.
I'm super outgoing, like thatmost of the time.
So my fears are being alone,like in the middle of the night.
I think I think what ifsomething happens to Brian?
I don't want to be alone, youknow, like I don't want to be my
mom, I don't.
I don't want to not havefriends.
I don't want to get so set inmy ways that I don't want to
(54:17):
change and I think I worry aboutthat.
And it may be hard to understandfor some people.
They like why the hell sheworried about something that
hasn't happened yet.
But, like my husband is, hismind said is so much different
about his health and mine is I'mvery focused on it and he's
very nonchalant about it and soand he does have you know pre,
(54:39):
he's pre diabetic and hasn'treally decided to make those
changes yet I'm still hopefulthat he will.
But you know, I have twofriends.
One's mom died of diabetes whenshe was in her late 60s and
another friend whose mom is veryill because she has diabetes
and she's in her 60s.
And I have this, you know, biglife imagined for Brian and I
(55:00):
after he retires, and I'mfearful that I won't get to
experience that, you know.
So those are the things I thinkabout in the middle of the
night.
They're awake.
Speaker 3 (55:13):
That was very very, because we have talked about
that a lot.
Speaker 2 (55:16):
Yeah, and my last question for you is going to be
you know, what do you fear andso it's a very similar question
to the one you asked me is likewhat is your biggest fear?
Speaker 3 (55:27):
It's interesting because, without doubt, my
biggest fear is fear itself.
I don't want to be debilitatedby fear, and so I really try to
be very resilient and accepting.
My father once said the onlything in life that you can truly
count on is change, and so thepeople that really do best in
(55:49):
life are those that embracechange and those that can can
just roll with whatever lifethrows at them.
So it's very clear for me.
I have panic disorder, so I'vebeen at the worst of what it
feels like to have fearcontrolling you, and I've done
so much work that my goal isthat, no matter what happens to
(56:09):
me in my life, that I would beable to handle it and take it in
stride and still live a veryfulfilling, joyful life, despite
whatever my circumstances are.
Speaker 2 (56:21):
Love it.
You know, I'm so glad wedecided to do this episode today
.
I really hope that, you know,people listening are very
encouraged to have some of thesemeaningful conversations with
their girlfriends.
You know, maybe if they belongto a book club, this could be
like a holiday gathering whereeverybody comes with some
questions to ask the whole groupto connect on a deeper level.
(56:45):
If it's your spouse that you'rehaving a hard time with and you
know, I thought I might say thatduring today's episode about
connecting with your spouse on adeeper level and I thought, you
know, would people think thatwas a strange thing to say,
because you should be havingthese everyday conversations
with your husband anyway.
Right, but I know, just in myown life, you know, with the
house building going on, I canbe sitting next to my husband,
(57:09):
you know, at 530 in the morningwhen we're having our coffee
together, and it feels like hecould be, you know, five miles
away from me because his mind isso much not in our on that
couch.
He is like his body is there buthis mind is like five miles
away at our property buildinghouse, wondering if he should
order some things from Chinainstead of, you know, getting
(57:31):
him in the office.
I mean, just like the litany ofthings that he thinks about
keeps him so occupied so much ofthe time that sometimes I do
have to bring him back and say,hey, where are you Like?
I want you to be like here withme right now and I feel like
you're not.
Can you please come back?
You know, and so I don't thinkit's really at all to imagine
(57:52):
that in anybody's life havingthese intimate conversations
Some of the answers I gave today, I was wondering what you might
say that might freak me out,that I'm like, oh God, I don't
want to answer that question,you know.
But I think we shouldn't beafraid to shy away from some of
these more intimateconversations, and I think for
(58:13):
some personalities that's moredifficult than it is for others.
But that's the challenge Iwould like to leave our
listeners with today is go outthere and be brave and ask some
questions to make some deeperconnections this holiday season.
Speaker 3 (58:27):
Yeah, and I would say that, on the other end, when
you are the person answering thequestion, you really get to
better know yourself and that'sa wonderful part of this, this
activity or whatever you want tocall it that we did today.
So I echo that, terry, I am sothankful that we did this today.
It is a friends giving toremember for us and I wanted to
(58:48):
end this podcast by showing thelisteners and I'm so happy that
you sent me an ornament todayand I have a Christmas ornament
and it says congrats on being mybestie, you lucky bitch.
Speaker 2 (59:04):
And it's, it's this website where you can go on and
you can make, like, the picturesof the two women and I wish you
know, like, if you're notwatching this on YouTube, maybe
we'll have to try to figure outhow to post a picture, maybe
over in our Facebook group.
But it's like I have thebiggest, hugest frizzy hair in
this picture and Amanda has likethe most beautiful, like
(59:25):
beautiful face on it.
She looks so good and it wasjust, it was very fun to buy
that for you.
I'm so glad that you saw thehumor.
I know not every woman wants tobe called a bitch, but I really
enjoyed it and I thought Ilooked hot.
Speaker 3 (59:38):
I even thought, with my gray hairs and my red shirt,
gary, my husband thought Ilooked hot as well.
So great choice, terry, greatchoice.
Speaker 2 (59:46):
Well, they didn't really have a dark haired woman
our age without gray hair.
So, oh, there you go.
All right, thank you so muchfor joining us.
Bye, bye.
Speaker 3 (01:00:01):
Bye, bye.
Speaker 2 (01:00:05):
Amanda, I don't know if this ever happens to you, but
I sometimes will learnsomething really cool on a
podcast, on YouTube, video,audio book, whatever.
I think I'm going to rememberit and then I forget.
Does that ever happen to you?
Speaker 3 (01:00:17):
Yeah, I call it brain after 40 all the time.
Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
But we've come up with something.
Do you want to introduce it?
Speaker 3 (01:00:25):
Sure, it's by.
It's from an app called quickJim quick, and it's an acronym
called fast.
Speaker 2 (01:00:32):
Yeah, and it stands for Facebook.
So we're inviting youofficially right now to come
over and join us on Facebook.
Get involved with the community, share your favorite episodes
with your friends on Facebook.
Speaker 3 (01:00:42):
Yeah, the a is go ahead and take an action, so you
can't remember anything if youdon't act.
Speaker 2 (01:00:49):
And, as is for subscribe, make sure you're
subscribed to our YouTubechannel.
Speaker 3 (01:00:53):
And then T is teach.
Teach what you've learned tosomebody else.
Share the love.
Speaker 2 (01:00:57):
All right, we hope that works for you.
Thank you for joining us.
We'll see you next week.
Speaker 3 (01:01:01):
Bye, bye.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!