41: Tech Boundaries - Reclaiming Childhood from Digital Distractions

Navigating the delicate balance between technology and childhood development has become one of parenting's greatest challenges. Drawing from insightful works like "The Anxious Generation" and "Opt Out Family," this raw exploration delves into what happens when families dare to set counter-cultural boundaries around screens and devices.

Through personal stories of both struggle and triumph, I share how eliminating screen time during dinner prep transformed my twins from passive viewers to creative players. You'll discover why establishing tech boundaries isn't about restriction but about creating space for imagination, problem-solving, and genuine connection. Rather than following cultural defaults that have drastically shifted childhood from play-based to phone-based, we can intentionally shape our family's relationship with technology.

The truth is uncomfortable but liberating: easy parenting choices rarely yield the best outcomes for our children. When we pacify with screens for momentary peace, what long-term skills might our children be missing? This episode offers practical alternatives including designated tech-free zones, outdoor exploration opportunities, and age-appropriate boundaries that evolve with your children. Most importantly, you'll find encouragement that you're not alone in questioning the prevailing wisdom about kids and technology. Many parents are quietly choosing to prioritize presence over convenience, guided by biblical principles like "guarding our hearts" and "making the best use of time." What rhythms around technology might help your home better reflect what you truly value?

Recommended Reading:

The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

The Tech-Wise Family by Andy Crouch

The Opt-Out Family by Erin Loechner

How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims

When the Street Lights Come On by Ginny Yurich

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Episode Transcript

Leanne (00:50):
Before I became a teacher, I spent some time
reading all that I could onthings like classroom management
and curriculum development.
I also read all the books that4th and 5th graders were into so
that I could be prepared for mystudents.
When I started my firstbusiness, I read everything I
could on leadership and teambuilding, and then later on I

(01:11):
took courses on sales skills andcommunication.
Then, as a first-time mom, Iread everything I could get my
hands on about motherhood,raising babies, sleep training
and baby led weaning.
So if there's one thing aboutme that will likely never change
, I'm going to read all thethings in preparation for my

(01:31):
next season or stage of life.
And that brings me to the topicor the theme that I have been
devouring lately technology andteens, or something close to
that.
I started by reading the bookthe Anxious Generation by
Jonathan Haidt, then I read theTechWise Family by Andy Crouch.

(01:54):
From there I found the Opt OutFamily by Aaron Lochner, and
then this led me to how to Raisean Adult by Julie
Leithcott-Hames, and I justfinished when the Streetlights
Come On, by Ginny Urich, and sheis the founder of the 1000
Hours Outside movement, and Iknow I am starting to get my

(02:18):
head around a particular topicwhen the books that I am reading
start referencing each other.
This topic piqued my interestfor two main reasons.
The first my own children arecreeping up to those teen years
and I want to be ready for theirquestions regarding when

(02:38):
they're going to get a phone andhow to use it responsibly.
And secondly, this topicincludes so many different
perspectives and opinions.
I want to ensure I am makingthe best decisions about
technology for my family, bestdecisions about technology for
my family.
Of the books that I have justmentioned, the one that has been

(03:04):
the most impactful for me,especially right now in the
season of life that I'm incurrently, is the opt-out family
.
Much of this episode isinspired by themes that stood
out to me from that book, and Iwill link all of those books in
the show notes for you to lookat.
The main takeaway that I wantto break down for you today is
that, when it comes to allthings screens, phones and even

(03:25):
social media we need to beprepared to live
counter-culturally andintentionally, for God's glory.
According to the AmericanAcademy of Child and Adolescent
Psychiatry, children under twoare encouraged to watch only
educational programs withcaregivers.
Children under five should belimited to only an hour of

(03:49):
non-educational screen timeduring the week and no more than
three hours on the weekend.
And then for children six andolder, the guidance simply says
to encourage healthy habits andlimit activities that include
screens.
Well, that's about as vague asyou can get, isn't it?
And unfortunately, many parentswould see guidelines like this

(04:14):
and consider it permission togive their children screen time
instead of considering thatperhaps there's an alternative.
Romans 12 says do not beconformed to this world, but be
transformed by the renewal ofyour mind, that by testing you
may discern what is the will ofGod, what is good and acceptable

(04:38):
and perfect.
The truth is that technology isshaping our attention, it's
affecting our imagination andour family rhythms.
I remember when my twins wereabout three, I think, and I
believed that the only way thatI could make dinner was to let

(04:59):
them watch a show while I cooked, and every day I would set them
up with something kid-friendlyand then I would go about trying
to make dinner as quickly as Icould in that time frame
allotted.
The problem was after the showended, and every day it was the
same struggle crying, screaming,pleading for just one more show

(05:19):
.
They didn't seem to know how totransition back to playing.
After staring open mouthed atthe TV for 23 minutes, I
convinced myself that it wasbecause they were hungry or
tired, or they just needed toeat dinner and go to bed.
I'm not sure what it was thathelped me connect the dots, but

(05:40):
one day I came to the conclusionthat screen time was the
problem.
So I stopped allowing them towatch shows and, honestly, I did
a cold turkey, which isterrible.
It's awful and for a whole weekI had to deal with cranky kids
begging to watch a show and Ihad to stay firm in my decision

(06:01):
that, even though it felt likeit would be so much easier to
just give in and let them enjoy20 minutes, and so that I could
enjoy 20 minutes of no screaming, thankfully I held my ground.
And then something amazinghappened.
They figured it out.
They found toys to play with,they created new games, their

(06:22):
imaginations took over and theystopped asking for shows.
I couldn't believe thedifference.
It was then that I decided thatjust because culture says it's
okay to give your kids screentime doesn't mean you have to.
This discovery with my ownchildren led me to create some

(06:44):
pretty firm boundaries aroundscreens and technology in our
home.
I share this with you simply asan example.
I truly believe each familyneeds to find what works best
for them, so take this as justan example, not something that
you have to do.
Every Friday, we watch a movietogether as a family, and then

(07:08):
on Saturday mornings, each of mythree kids is allowed to either
choose one show they can allwatch each other's shows or they
could choose to playparent-approved games on their
tablets for about 20, 30 minutesmaybe, and then on Sunday, they
get to watch one biblical-basedshow to help reinforce what

(07:30):
they have learned in Sundayschool that morning, and then
that's it.
Those are the only screens ortechnology that they are exposed
to during the week.
By setting up these rules orguidelines around technology, I
am able to teach my children theimportance of stewarding our
time well.
Ephesians 5, 15, and 16 sayslook carefully, then, how you

(07:55):
walk, not as unwise, but as wise, making the best use of the
time, because the days are evil.
The things that we allow in ourhomes shape the hearts of those
who live there.
It was important to me that mychildren learn what it says in
Proverbs 4.23, above all else,guard your heart for everything

(08:17):
you do flows from it.
If I want my children to learnto value building relationships
and being creative andcooperating together peacefully,
then how we use technology inour home needs to reflect those
values.
That doesn't mean that we'llnever use screens or that my
kids will never have their ownphone, but it does mean that we

(08:39):
will be intentional with how weallow screens to influence our
time and our hearts.
Now, as my children get older, Irealized that technology isn't
going anywhere and it will beimportant for them to be able to
create and manage healthyboundaries for themselves when
it comes to screens or phones oreven social media usage.

(09:03):
And for this reason, I findmyself encouraging my children
to use discernment when it comesto technology, and I'm actually
going to take that topic ofdiscernment and make a whole
other episode about it.
I think there is so much tounpack with just that, so stay
tuned for a future episode onthe topic of teaching your

(09:24):
children discernment.
I know that I cannot control mykids.
There will be times when theywill have access to screens or
the internet when I'm not around, and I want them to be prepared
to navigate these instanceswisely.
Two core principles I foundparticularly helpful in the book

(09:49):
Opt Out Family is to establishno tech zones in your home, so
this might be the dinner tableor even the bedroom.
Help your family focus onthings that matter most, like
conversations around the table,without the distraction of cell
phone notifications.

(10:09):
You can show them what it meansto guard their hearts.
You can show them what it meansto guard their hearts like no
doom scrolling before you go tosleep and by setting rhythms of
presence and creativity.
While your children are young,you are laying the foundation
for technology boundaries whenthey're older.
Not only are you modeling itfor them now, but you are

(10:31):
helping them see what boundariesyour family values, but you are
helping them see whatboundaries your family values.
One of the main concepts that Igleaned from the anxious
generation is how childhood hasmoved from play-based to
phone-based over more recentyears.
The unfortunate consequence ofthis shift is that children are

(10:54):
growing up without the abilityto problem solve and be creative
.
They are not interacting withpeople in person as much as they
used to and, as a result, theability to work with others and
communicate effectively arebecoming obsolete.
There is more supervision forchildren outside and less

(11:15):
supervision for children onlineand honestly that doesn't make a
whole lot of sense, but it'show the shift has occurred.
Somehow, the thought is thatchildren are safer when they are
at home playing video games.
Then they are riding theirbikes around the neighborhood
with friends until the streetlights come on.
Do you remember those days?

(11:36):
I do.
Maybe that makes me old, but Ido remember those days.
Personally, I think that weshould encourage more
unsupervised playtime outside.
Kids need to learn to beresponsible and make wise
choices without their parentshovering over them.
This is part of the reason whyI take my kids to a nearby

(11:58):
forest every week with anotherfamily.
So there's a group of aboutfive or six kids and we let them
go out by themselves.
We are there in the forest too,but we let them go to places
where we can't see them and theyhave to come back after an hour
.
There's a timer set on theirwatch and during that time they
are exploring, they'readventuring and they're learning
how to problem solve and worktogether.

(12:19):
Of course, they're going tomake mistakes, but I would
rather my children learn fromthese mistakes while they're
still under my roof than lateron, when I'm not around at all,
to help guide them through it.
Parents often turn to screens orlike handing their kid a phone
when they are just tired ofmanaging the chaos in their home

(12:42):
.
They feel like cruise directorstrying to keep everyone
entertained and busy, and then,when they reach the point of
burnout, out come the tabletsand the screens.

(13:21):
You see this a lot atrestaurants too.
Parents feel it's easier tojust let their kids watch
something on their phonesinstead of engage in
conversation together or eventeach them the fine art of
waiting.
While it is certainly easier topacify a child with a screen,
is that what's best for them?
Is that what's best for them,and is our momentary comfort

(13:47):
worth the discomfort in thefuture?
Easier doesn't always equalbetter.
What if we decided to livecounter-culturally?
What if we choose intentionover convenience?
And what if we opted to leaninto discomfort and awkward
moments instead of turning toour screens to occupy our minds

(14:08):
and, eventually, our hearts?
Here are three practicalsuggestions for you to consider
as you wrestle with your ownthoughts and concerns regarding
technology in your home.
First, think throughage-appropriate boundaries for
your children.
Perhaps you have tech-freemornings or your kids can earn

(14:29):
tech tickets for screen time.
Maybe you adopt a rhythm of nophones for the first hour of
every day and the last hour ofevery evening.
Talk over these ideas with yourspouse and make a plan that you
can begin right away.
You can always adjust your planas your kids get older or you
see some more maturity andresponsibility beginning to
develop.

(14:50):
Another thing is to brainstormsome boredom buster alternatives
.
Taking my kids outside alwaysseems to get creative juices
flowing Truly.
Outside is like the best placeto be.
Reading together is another wayto open doors to imagination
and limit the need for turningon the TV in the evening.

(15:10):
And another last thing that youcan do is encourage digital
literacy while also disciplingyour children on how to be
discerning with technology andhow they use it.
I always find it fascinating howkids don't seem to need to be
taught how to use a phone.
They just somehow seem tointrinsically know how it works.

(15:34):
So I don't think we need toworry that our kids are going to
be left behind when it comes totechnology.
I hear that argument a lot.
Well, I want my kids to knowhow to use it.
They'll be fine.
I'm fairly confident they'll beable to figure it out right
away.
In the meantime, there is avery real possibility that they
will lose the ability to thinkcritically if we don't give them

(15:56):
opportunities to be independentand to explore dangerous
activities safely.
I think you've heard thatphrase before and I think it
makes sense.
They need those opportunitiesor they're going to look for
them in other places, maybeonline, and maybe it's not as
safe as we think.
The truth about all of this isthat I don't have all the

(16:19):
answers and I am still learningand adjusting as I go.
What I do know is thattechnology has irrevocably
changed the basics of childhoodand adolescence, but that
doesn't mean that I need to givein and hand my 10-year-old a
phone just because everyone elsein her fifth grade class has
one.
We have to dare to be differentand to not be afraid to talk

(16:43):
about our thoughts and concernswith others.
You might just find that youaren't the only one to express
these hesitations when it comesto technology.
There are plenty of parents outthere, myself included, who are
choosing to be focused onintentionally living for God's
glory than simply just goingalong with the crowd.

(17:05):
I am sure that this is just thebeginning of conversations
around technology, especially asmy children grow and become
teenagers.
This is something that I willbe revisiting and reviewing
often, and as always, I willshare what I learn and find with
you along the way.
To close this episode, I wantto leave you with a verse to

(17:29):
meditate on this week.
Psalm 101, verse three, says Iwill not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Let this verse encourage you toprayerfully consider what is
best for your family regardingtechnology and avoid the

(17:50):
temptation to just do whateveryone around you is doing.
Let the fear of God form yourbasis of wisdom and
understanding, and understandingSomething to ponder this week
what rhythms or boundariesaround screens might help your
home reflect more of what youtruly value.