September 16, 2025 • 30 mins
What if the most powerful tool you have as a parent isn't what you say, but how you listen? In this illuminating conversation with Shelley Tyson, we explore the transformative impact of speaking life over our children – especially during the challenging teenage years.
Shelley, a mother of four including three teenage girls, shares with remarkable candor how she's discovered that effective communication begins not with perfect words, but with attentive listening. "Words of life actually start with listening," she explains, "not just listening to the other person, but if you are a follower of Christ, it is listening to your Heavenly Father."
The conversation takes us through practical wisdom for navigating conflict with compassion, understanding hormonal influences on communication, and helping teenage girls navigate complex friendship dynamics. One particularly powerful insight emerges when Shelley shares how she helped her daughter preserve a friendship while maintaining healthy boundaries – demonstrating that clarity and kindness can coexist beautifully.
Beyond verbal communication, we discover how our daily rhythms silently communicate our priorities to our watching children. These unspoken messages often prove more influential than our carefully chosen words. As Shelley puts it, "They are observing and now it has that trickle-down effect of communication to them."
For the overwhelmed parent feeling stretched thin, Shelley offers this surprisingly simple shift: stop talking. By simply repeating back what your child says in the form of a question, you communicate value, respect and love without having to formulate the perfect response.
The conversation concludes with a moving reading of Psalm 139, reminding us that our identity and our children's worth are firmly established in God's perfect knowledge and love. Listen now to transform how you communicate with your children and speak life that nurtures their hearts and spirits.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Leanne (00:50):
Shelley, thank you so much for joining me here again.
I'm so excited to have you backon the show and just sharing
more of your wisdom and insightto both as a wife and a mom.
I just really admire you andtruly appreciate all that you
have to share, and especially onthis topic that we're talking
about today, which is pursuingexcellence with our words, and
(01:13):
especially in regards to how wespeak life over our children.
So before we dive into that,would you mind sharing just a
little bit about who you are andmaybe a little bit of
background on communication,your background with
communication?
Shelley (01:27):
Yeah, leanne, thank you so much for having me again.
I can't remember how long itwas before when we spoke the
first time, and so I'm excitedto be back and specifically to
be talking about a topic that Iactually never imagined in a
million years I would be talkingabout on a podcast.
But before we get into thatwhich I'm excited about, I am
Shelly Tyson.
I'm married to Brian and wehave been married for almost 17
(01:50):
years and we live right outsideAtlanta, georgia, with four kids
.
We have three girls that are inninth grade, seventh grade and
fifth grade, and then we have ason who's in third grade.
So that was my first full-timejob is with them.
They're in hybrid school, so wekind of homeschool, they're
kind of in school, and I get alot of together time with them,
which I'm really, reallygrateful for.
(02:12):
And then, when I'm not doingfull-time motherhood, them,
which I'm really really gratefulfor.
And then, when I'm not doingfull-time motherhood, I also run
a piano studio out of my home.
That is my given trade, I guess.
If you could say I'm aprofessional pianist by trade,
and so I teach piano lessonsfour days a week to kids coming
in and out of my home and lovethat, but I also love words and
so I'm excited to talk aboutthat and kind of what that has
(02:34):
to do with, kind of my wholelife and how God has been able
to use that and give me apassion for communication and
also, as you mentioned,communication as a mother to my
children.
Leanne (02:45):
I love that so much.
So one of the things that Ihave heard you say a lot is that
nothing is wasted in God'seconomy, and I love that phrase.
I find myself using it now too.
So what I'm curious to know ishow do you feel that that has
played a role in how yourbackground with communication
(03:05):
has segued into how you speakwith your children, and
especially your teenage girls?
Shelley (03:10):
Woven into the story that God has written for me so
far.
Woven into the story that Godhas written for me so far.
It's crazy because, as I lookback, I did not have an
appreciation for communicationas a young child.
In fact, I actually was verynervous about speaking in front
of people.
I remember my parents I woulduse the word forced my siblings
(03:31):
and I to take part in aToastmasters club as
homeschoolers, and we did itonce a month and they would
require us to do a speech everysingle month, and I remember
aiding those meetings and sofrom a very early age I would
not have described myself assomeone passionate about words,
and certainly not passionateabout communication.
(03:53):
But what's interesting is, musicis a language and I was
passionate about music.
I played piano all the waythrough grade school and high
school into college, and Ialways loved how music could
speak when words couldn't, andso I would say that God
developed a passion in me forother forms of communication
(04:16):
outside of words all the waythrough my growing up years, and
it wasn't until I became anentrepreneur about eight years
ago that I really dove into theworld of words.
Say that 10 times fast theworld of words and really how
that is integrated into thewhole world of communication and
particularly the power of words.
And really how that isintegrated into the whole world
of communication andparticularly the power of words,
(04:39):
and how we relate to each otherboth as mothers, as wives, as
people in our communities.
And so I would say over thepast eight years God has bloomed
that part of communication forme, but it really has been kind
of a lifelong passion that I seethat he's developed and that's
where the nothing is wasted partcomes in is I can now see the
(05:02):
threads connected in that.
Leanne (05:05):
Oh, I love that so much.
And so then, when it comes tospeaking life with your children
, how have you noticed adifference in your work, like,
how have your words made adifference in their lives?
Shelley (05:18):
It's interesting because my kids are close in age
and so when they they were allborn within six years of each
other, and so when they werelittle, I felt like I was having
to use a lot of words everysingle day.
You know, this is how we sit onthe potty, this is how we open
the door, this is how we feedourselves, this is how we, and
(05:44):
so in all the training of themas they were younger, I started
to notice that when I used wordsof affirmation, it would fill
up their cup, and then when Iwould use words that were not
words of affirmation, more likewhat I would consider like
lecturing words not necessarilynegative, but more lecturing to
them, then they would tend toshut down more.
And so I just started havingthis kind of awareness around
(06:05):
how they reacted to the trainingthat we were doing every single
day, based on how I positionedmy words to them, and certainly
it was different with each oneof them because they're wired
differently and theirpersonalities are different, but
overall, I would say, when Iwas using words that affirmed
them, which I would considerwords of life, then they were
(06:28):
much more likely to want to buyin and come on board with
whatever the training was thatwe were doing with them, and
that has just grown andblossomed as they've gone
through elementary middle andnow high school.
Leanne (06:41):
I love that so much and I can definitely hear that and
I've experienced that for myselfwith my own children.
Like you're saying, I couldlecture all day long.
I used to be a teacher.
So standing there talking tothem and then their eyes glaze
over and no one's listening.
So I love that you found, hey,if I speak in this way, they're
more likely to hear me.
(07:02):
What I'm curious about is howyou are intentional with those
words of affirmation, especiallyin moments where there is
conflict or there's frustrationor, you know, emotions are high.
How can, how are you still ableto use those words of life?
Shelley (07:21):
Well, first I want to say I'm not perfect Totally, and
so I think it's important foryour listeners to understand
that this is a journey.
There is no book of like how touse words of life for dummies,
and so you just follow the bookand you do it perfectly every
time.
But one thing that I would sayis I think when we are thinking
about speaking words of life, weoften miss the non-verbal part
(07:45):
of being a good communicator,which is listening.
So words of life actually startwith listening, not just
listening to the other person,but if you are a follower of
Christ, it is listening to yourHeavenly Father, because that is
the ultimate source of wherewords of life come from, and we
know from Scripture that he isthe Word Ruth, capital T, and so
(08:11):
I think that as mothers,sometimes we can think about
well, how can I say this in away that they'll actually get it
right?
But the most important thing is, are we listening first to our
Heavenly Father and are welistening to our children first?
So I think listening to ourHeavenly Father is the first
(08:32):
step for us if we want to becommunicators of life over our
children, over our spouses, overthe people that are in our
lives, and sometimes as mothers,we can get so caught up and we
miss that first step.
Leanne (08:46):
Mm-hmm.
How would you discern when it'sthe right time to speak and
when it's the right time tolisten?
Shelley (08:54):
That's a really good question.
I think, especially when there'sconflict and tension happening,
I it's important to wait tospeak until the conflict has
been resolved or at least thetension has been diluted, so
that there is a willingness tolisten on your part and on their
(09:14):
part, because when emotions arehigh, typically listening is
going to be much harder for youand for your kiddo, and so that
is where you have to discernkind of what is the currency of
your child?
Some children need to go awayand they need to let you know
when they're ready to listen andwhen you're ready to talk.
(09:36):
Other children it can just be afew minutes and then they're
ready.
So I think as a mother, youhave to discern that, but at
least for myself, I've alsolearned for myself that I don't
listen well when I amemotionally high, and so I need
to get myself regulated, get mynervous system back in order,
(09:58):
before I even start thelistening process.
So I would say that discernmentis important and also it comes
from the Holy Spirit too.
There are moments when Iliterally am crying out loud
with my words Holy Spirit, helpme know how to handle this
situation, and he is our helperand he will help us Absolutely.
Leanne (10:21):
Oh, I love that.
I love that and I think you'reright.
It's knowing your child,knowing what they need in that
moment, and then also yourself.
That's something that I've beenworking out with my 10 year old
is that I like to resolveconflict right away.
I don't like to, I don't liketo to perseverate.
I just want to get better andget back on track right away.
She needs time, and so that'sbeen like something that we've
(10:45):
had to work through, and so Ihear what you're saying about
knowing what they need.
They're the child, you're theadult, like let them do what
they need and then come back andcircle back to that
conversation when everyone'swilling to listen.
Shelley (10:58):
Yes.
I love that I will also say ona practical note, especially
with girls, because we'retalking about girls and that is
most of my experience right nowis with my ninth grader, seventh
grader and fifth grader.
Also, as a mother,understanding where they are
hormonally is very important.
Where you are in the month andwhere they are in the month is
(11:21):
very, very important, and Ithink sometimes we can kind of
put that on the back burner,pretend like it's not a big deal
, but it actually is a huge deal.
Leanne (11:32):
When it comes to handling conflict and tension in
a communication kind of a way,how do you check yourself to
make sure that you're modelingwhat you want your kids to
imitate, especially the girls,since they're looking at you as
their mom?
How do you kind of check yourown self?
Shelley (11:53):
One of the things that I found really, really helpful,
especially with my girls, isbeing honest with them about
when I'm struggling tocommunicate well.
So a practical example is theother day I was having a hard
day.
I had not slept well, I wastired.
There were other physicalthings happening and I told my
(12:16):
daughter I say in a little while, when mommy has come back to a
regulated place, and so for mesometimes that looks like just
going in a quiet room andturning on worship music for a
minute.
Sometimes it looks like prayingreally quickly.
Sometimes it literally lookslike just reading a scripture or
a truth to myself about hey,communication is important, this
(12:42):
is important.
They are watching how I handlethis and it is worth the work
for me to be able to be in theright mindset and the right
heart posture before we handlethis.
So being honest with them aboutmy humanity, I think, has been
something that has freed them tobe honest so that we can work
together to be a goodcommunication team.
Leanne (13:05):
Absolutely.
You're modeling the honestythat you want them to also share
with you.
So I've heard you say beforethat your habits and your
rhythms are silentlycommunicating your priorities.
Do you have any examples thatyou could share with us about
what you mean by that?
Shelley (13:26):
I think that is such a great question because it
recognizes that communication isso much more than our words,
and I think, especially for usmoms, it's really important for
us to remember that our wordsare communicating, but also our
lives are communicating to ourkids, and one of the things that
I have become very aware of isespecially how my high schooler
(13:50):
and my middle schooler arewatching how I start my day.
They are watching my rhythmsand how they impact my attitude
when I wake up in the mornings,and so for years I woke up at
like 4.30 in the morning.
By the time my kids got up, Ihad already been up for two and
a half hours and I was likeready for the day.
(14:11):
As my children have gotten older, they like to stay up later and
need to be more present laterin the evenings, which means
that my wake up time has gottenlater than it was before, than
it was before.
(14:31):
And yet I have had to look athow can I model to them, getting
my body, my appearance and myheart in the right place to be
positioned correctly for the day.
And so I have changed some ofmy morning rhythms, but they
still reflect what is mostimportant, which is get my mind
and my heart positioned towardsthe Lord, which looks like a
devotion and quiet time with theLord.
(14:51):
Even sometimes it's fiveminutes, so I don't want your
listeners to think, oh, shespends three hours in the Word,
but just a few minutes to getlocked in with truth.
Then I get dressed for the day,I make up my bed and then I
encounter my kids, and what'scool about this is I have not
(15:11):
verbally communicated to mygirls hey, this is how we start
the day, but I have noticed thatmy girls have started to follow
that same type of patternbecause they're observing it in
me.
So it's not a home rhythm thatwe have, like said, hey, this is
what we as a family do, butthey are observing and now it
(15:35):
has that like trickle downeffect of communication to them
of, hey, this is kind of how weget positioned spiritually,
mentally, emotionally,physically for the day that.
Leanne (15:45):
God has given.
I love that so much and Ireally like to we hear that
phrase.
More is caught than taught, andthat is reminding me of that
that they're seeing what you'redoing and again, you're not
lecturing, you are simply doingwhat you know you need to do,
based on what your HeavenlyFather has spoken over you, and
(16:06):
then now they are getting toexperience that too, and there's
so many wonderful things inthere that I love.
With that, in this season ofraising teenagers and teenage
girls, have you found yourselfgoing back to a certain portion
of Scripture, or are therecertain truths that you feel
like you've been really clingingto in this season?
Shelley (16:29):
Yes, I feel like we're in the trench of helping our
girls learn how to relate toother people in a healthy way,
and when I say that, I don'tmean like emotional intelligence
as much as just interpersonalskills, and if you have girls
that are towards that middleschool age, you know what I'm
(16:52):
talking about.
And so I feel like we haveample opportunity every single
day to work through.
How do we speak words of lifeover other people?
How do we set the tone when wewalk into a room of life?
How do we posture and positionourselves as girls to be the
(17:15):
girls that people want to befriends with, because they know
that you are going to be thesame in front of them as you are
when you're not with them?
And so one of the things that Ihave been just clinging to as
I've been helping my girls workthrough this, is Proverbs 18, 21
, which you probably arefamiliar with, but it says the
(17:37):
tongue has the power of life anddeath and those who love it
will eat its fruit.
And reminding my girls that howthey speak has the power to
build up or to tear down, andalso what they allow themselves
to be entertained around from aconversation standpoint has the
(18:01):
ability to give them areputation of either life or
death.
So I'll give a practicalexample, because I know a lot of
these things we can like assentto in our brain, right.
But then we're like but whatdoes this actually look like,
right?
So recently one of my girls wasstruggling with a friend with
some boundaries, and so she hadkind of set up some boundaries
(18:22):
and she wasn't really sure howto communicate those boundaries
to her friend without hurtingher friend.
And so one of my favoritequotes is Brene Brown's clarity
is kindness.
I don't know everything thatBrene says, but I love that
quote because clarity iskindness, but there is a way to
say things in a clear way thatleaves the other person honored
(18:44):
and respected, and loved.
And so we had to sit down andmap out here is how you can
communicate with this friend ina clear, kind, respectful way,
to preserve the friendship, toleave her feeling built up and
also to respect the boundariesthat you have put in place.
(19:05):
And so we worked through it.
There were a bunch of textmessages that were exchanged
throughout the experience, butwhat that communication led to
was it led to a preservation intheir friendship.
It led to confidence in mydaughter that she can actually
set boundaries and stick to themwithout damaging friendships,
(19:29):
and it deepened my relationshipwith her because we sat next to
each other and worked throughthis together.
So that is why words matter,because so much more than what
comes out of our mouth, theyliterally have the power to
build up or to tear down.
(20:16):
That's the life and the deathelement of that Proverbs
scripture.
So that's one of the manyscriptures that I've longed to
reason and have brought up overand over and over again for
myself and also for my girls.
Leanne (20:29):
That's such a good one.
Wow, All of that right there.
I'm just totally tracking withmy daughter and I've also had
some friendship things to workthrough, even just already at 10
.
So I can see how that is justgoing to progress as she gets
older and the nuances of thosefriendships.
But I love that you arebringing the back to the truth
in the word and helping them seehow the power of their words
(20:51):
matters, how much that matters.
What is your hope for your kidsas they look back on your words
and your presence during theirteenage years?
Like what?
What's your like forwardthinking?
Like what do you hope that theyglean from that someday?
Shelley (21:07):
you know, for the longest time.
I think that list was long,leanne, but I think the longer I
parent, the shorter the listgets and ultimately, I want my
children to walk out my doorhopefully at 18, because I am
working myself out of a job.
I want them to know Jesus, towant to know him and love him
(21:28):
more and to love people deeply,to want to know him and love him
more and to love people deep.
Leanne (21:31):
It's beautiful, that's it, yeah.
Yeah, I mean that's the love,the Lord, your God, with all
your heart, soul and mind, andthen love others.
That's so good.
Shelley (21:41):
Yes, and so, at the end of the day, if that is true and
their hearts are continuallypointed towards falling in love
with Jesus, being transformed byhim, the communication, all of
that stuff is going to follow.
That kind of goes back to whatI said earlier about listening
first to our heavenly father.
When we're rooted in that, alot of these things will take
(22:02):
care of themselves.
It doesn't mean it's not goingto be messy or we're not going
to do it wrong, but it does meanthat a lot of these dominoes
are going to fall in the rightdirection when we get that right
.
Leanne (22:15):
The simplicity of that is actually really liberating.
Just to know it doesn't have tobe complicated, like you said,
there isn't a book of thesecertain words we're supposed to
be saying.
There isn't that.
Shelley (22:29):
No, and that's why we need the power of the Holy
Spirit because, there is nuancehere and especially as your kids
are getting into those teenageyears, it can be really tricky
to help them navigate in a waythat, especially in the age of
technology- when you're texting,you're not having face-to-face
conversations, you know allthese kinds of things, and
(22:51):
that's why I continually comeback to okay, but his grace is
sufficient.
He has said that.
He has said that when we remainin him, the fruit will come,
john 15.
So if that is true, which it is, then that is our posture, that
is our position, and the restof it will take care of itself.
Leanne (23:09):
So good.
So for the mom who's listeningand is feeling maybe overwhelmed
or a little stretched thinright now, do you have one
simple shift that she can maketoday to kind of walk into that
speaking life over her kids?
Shelley (23:27):
I just want to say to that mom, you are not alone.
Leanne (23:31):
You are not alone.
Shelley (23:32):
I think that's the most important thing.
I think, as moms, we can be sohard on ourselves, thinking I
should have all of this figuredout, I should be speaking life
over my kids, like we know thatright from scripture.
So you are not alone in beingstretched thin and feeling like
you have nothing left to give.
The simple shift that I wouldencourage more than anything
(23:57):
else is that, when it comes tospeaking life, the first step is
to stop talking.
Leanne (24:06):
Brilliant.
Shelley (24:08):
Yes, which is hard it's easier said than done, right,
yeah, but stop talking and startlistening.
And the easiest way to do thisif you have kids that are
speaking if they're toddlers,this is not so much the case but
if they are able to speak, theeasiest thing is when they come
to talk to you.
(24:29):
Instead of responding withwords that are from you, just
repeat back to them what theysaid in a question.
So a simple example is your,you know, let's say, your
kindergartner walks into thekitchen and says Mommy, mommy,
mommy, I just built this, youknow whatever Lego, and you're
set, and you're thinking Ireally don't care, I just need
(24:51):
to get dinner on the table,right, but you know that you
need to speak life over them.
In that moment, you just turn tothem and turn it into a
question and say, oh, you justbuilt a new lego set.
You're literally repeating thewords that they said in the form
of a question, and that is away to affirm them as a person,
(25:14):
you have value, I respect you, Ilove you, I want to be in
relationship with you, and soyou don't need to come up with
anything new to say, literallyjust repeat it in the form of a
question.
That's going to keep themtalking and you just move on.
So listening first, so don'tsay anything.
Or if you have to say something, just repeat what they say back
(25:36):
to you in the form of aquestion, unless they're asking
a question, in which case thatmight be.
Leanne (25:41):
Good, keep going Questioned all day.
I love that, but that is,that's a.
It's a simple thing you can do.
And in even in that simplicitycause I can hear my boys say
that exact phrase to me all daylong and just repeating the
question back to them.
I'm not reinventing anything,but they do feel so proud of
themselves and then, yeah, theycarry on the conversation, or
that was it.
(26:01):
They just needed to tell me.
And sometimes that's it, andeven with my girl, who's not in
that same little stage, but shestill just, sometimes just wants
to tell me and I just need tolisten and that's good, so good.
Shelley (26:15):
Exactly and sometimes helping yourself listen and
connect with them.
It requires you to turn aroundand look at them and just repeat
back, because that requires youto actually listen.
Leanne (26:28):
So that is part of the active listening that I think
they want more than anythingelse, I agree, I think that's so
good and it doesn't take somuch effort on our part, which I
think is the part that weforget so good.
Well, there's so many wonderfulthings that were said here
today, and I know that I hadasked you to select a psalm that
(26:50):
you felt would just kind ofencapsulate all of this
conversation over words, and so,to close today, I would love
for you to read that psalm forus, and that it can just
encourage and bless all of us.
Shelley (27:03):
I love the Word of God and I love that it is always
perfect in communicating exactlywhat we need.
Leanne (27:10):
Yes.
Shelley (27:11):
And exactly the perfect character of God, and so I
think this is the perfect wayfor us to end, and I want to
read Psalm 139, because this istruth that communicates our
identity in Christ as mothers,but it also communicates
identity for our children, andso it can be an encouragement to
(27:31):
both of us and to our kids aswell.
So Psalm 139 says you havesearched me, lord, and you know
me.
You know when I sit down andwhen I rise.
You perceive my thoughts fromafar.
You discern my going out and mylying down.
You are familiar with all of myways.
(27:51):
Before a word is on my tongue,you, lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderfulfor me.
It's too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your spirit?
Where can I flee from yourpresence?
(28:13):
If I go to the heavens, you arethere.
If I make my bed in the depths,you are there.
If I rise on the wings of thedawn and if I settle on the far
side of the sea, even there yourhand will guide me.
Your right hand will hold mefast.
If I say surely the darknesswill hide me and the light
become night around me.
(28:34):
Even the darkness will not bedark to you.
The night will shine like theday, for darkness is as light to
you, for you created my inmostbeing.
You knit me together at mymother's womb.
I praise you because I amfearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful.
I know that full well.
(28:55):
My frame was not hidden fromyou.
When I was made in the secretplace, when I was woven together
in the depths of the earth,your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for mewere written in your book before
one of them came to.
It's beautiful.
Leanne (29:26):
Thank you so much, shelley, just for sharing these
words with us, and your pursuitof excellence in this area is
bringing so much encouragementto me and to many women, so
thank you so much for sharingwith us.
Shelley (29:38):
Thank you, Leanne.
Shelley, thank you so much for joining me here again.
I'm so excited to have you backon the show and just sharing
more of your wisdom and insightto both as a wife and a mom.
I just really admire you andtruly appreciate all that you
have to share, and especially onthis topic that we're talking
about today, which is pursuingexcellence with our words, and
(01:13):
especially in regards to how wespeak life over our children.
So before we dive into that,would you mind sharing just a
little bit about who you are andmaybe a little bit of
background on communication,your background with
communication?
Shelley (01:27):
Yeah, leanne, thank you so much for having me again.
I can't remember how long itwas before when we spoke the
first time, and so I'm excitedto be back and specifically to
be talking about a topic that Iactually never imagined in a
million years I would be talkingabout on a podcast.
But before we get into thatwhich I'm excited about, I am
Shelly Tyson.
I'm married to Brian and wehave been married for almost 17
(01:50):
years and we live right outsideAtlanta, georgia, with four kids
.
We have three girls that are inninth grade, seventh grade and
fifth grade, and then we have ason who's in third grade.
So that was my first full-timejob is with them.
They're in hybrid school, so wekind of homeschool, they're
kind of in school, and I get alot of together time with them,
which I'm really, reallygrateful for.
(02:12):
And then, when I'm not doingfull-time motherhood, them,
which I'm really really gratefulfor.
And then, when I'm not doingfull-time motherhood, I also run
a piano studio out of my home.
That is my given trade, I guess.
If you could say I'm aprofessional pianist by trade,
and so I teach piano lessonsfour days a week to kids coming
in and out of my home and lovethat, but I also love words and
so I'm excited to talk aboutthat and kind of what that has
(02:34):
to do with, kind of my wholelife and how God has been able
to use that and give me apassion for communication and
also, as you mentioned,communication as a mother to my
children.
Leanne (02:45):
I love that so much.
So one of the things that Ihave heard you say a lot is that
nothing is wasted in God'seconomy, and I love that phrase.
I find myself using it now too.
So what I'm curious to know ishow do you feel that that has
played a role in how yourbackground with communication
(03:05):
has segued into how you speakwith your children, and
especially your teenage girls?
Shelley (03:10):
Woven into the story that God has written for me so
far.
Woven into the story that Godhas written for me so far.
It's crazy because, as I lookback, I did not have an
appreciation for communicationas a young child.
In fact, I actually was verynervous about speaking in front
of people.
I remember my parents I woulduse the word forced my siblings
(03:31):
and I to take part in aToastmasters club as
homeschoolers, and we did itonce a month and they would
require us to do a speech everysingle month, and I remember
aiding those meetings and sofrom a very early age I would
not have described myself assomeone passionate about words,
and certainly not passionateabout communication.
(03:53):
But what's interesting is, musicis a language and I was
passionate about music.
I played piano all the waythrough grade school and high
school into college, and Ialways loved how music could
speak when words couldn't, andso I would say that God
developed a passion in me forother forms of communication
(04:16):
outside of words all the waythrough my growing up years, and
it wasn't until I became anentrepreneur about eight years
ago that I really dove into theworld of words.
Say that 10 times fast theworld of words and really how
that is integrated into thewhole world of communication and
particularly the power of words.
And really how that isintegrated into the whole world
of communication andparticularly the power of words,
(04:39):
and how we relate to each otherboth as mothers, as wives, as
people in our communities.
And so I would say over thepast eight years God has bloomed
that part of communication forme, but it really has been kind
of a lifelong passion that I seethat he's developed and that's
where the nothing is wasted partcomes in is I can now see the
(05:02):
threads connected in that.
Leanne (05:05):
Oh, I love that so much.
And so then, when it comes tospeaking life with your children
, how have you noticed adifference in your work, like,
how have your words made adifference in their lives?
Shelley (05:18):
It's interesting because my kids are close in age
and so when they they were allborn within six years of each
other, and so when they werelittle, I felt like I was having
to use a lot of words everysingle day.
You know, this is how we sit onthe potty, this is how we open
the door, this is how we feedourselves, this is how we, and
(05:44):
so in all the training of themas they were younger, I started
to notice that when I used wordsof affirmation, it would fill
up their cup, and then when Iwould use words that were not
words of affirmation, more likewhat I would consider like
lecturing words not necessarilynegative, but more lecturing to
them, then they would tend toshut down more.
And so I just started havingthis kind of awareness around
(06:05):
how they reacted to the trainingthat we were doing every single
day, based on how I positionedmy words to them, and certainly
it was different with each oneof them because they're wired
differently and theirpersonalities are different, but
overall, I would say, when Iwas using words that affirmed
them, which I would considerwords of life, then they were
(06:28):
much more likely to want to buyin and come on board with
whatever the training was thatwe were doing with them, and
that has just grown andblossomed as they've gone
through elementary middle andnow high school.
Leanne (06:41):
I love that so much and I can definitely hear that and
I've experienced that for myselfwith my own children.
Like you're saying, I couldlecture all day long.
I used to be a teacher.
So standing there talking tothem and then their eyes glaze
over and no one's listening.
So I love that you found, hey,if I speak in this way, they're
more likely to hear me.
(07:02):
What I'm curious about is howyou are intentional with those
words of affirmation, especiallyin moments where there is
conflict or there's frustrationor, you know, emotions are high.
How can, how are you still ableto use those words of life?
Shelley (07:21):
Well, first I want to say I'm not perfect Totally, and
so I think it's important foryour listeners to understand
that this is a journey.
There is no book of like how touse words of life for dummies,
and so you just follow the bookand you do it perfectly every
time.
But one thing that I would sayis I think when we are thinking
about speaking words of life, weoften miss the non-verbal part
(07:45):
of being a good communicator,which is listening.
So words of life actually startwith listening, not just
listening to the other person,but if you are a follower of
Christ, it is listening to yourHeavenly Father, because that is
the ultimate source of wherewords of life come from, and we
know from Scripture that he isthe Word Ruth, capital T, and so
(08:11):
I think that as mothers,sometimes we can think about
well, how can I say this in away that they'll actually get it
right?
But the most important thing is, are we listening first to our
Heavenly Father and are welistening to our children first?
So I think listening to ourHeavenly Father is the first
(08:32):
step for us if we want to becommunicators of life over our
children, over our spouses, overthe people that are in our
lives, and sometimes as mothers,we can get so caught up and we
miss that first step.
Leanne (08:46):
Mm-hmm.
How would you discern when it'sthe right time to speak and
when it's the right time tolisten?
Shelley (08:54):
That's a really good question.
I think, especially when there'sconflict and tension happening,
I it's important to wait tospeak until the conflict has
been resolved or at least thetension has been diluted, so
that there is a willingness tolisten on your part and on their
(09:14):
part, because when emotions arehigh, typically listening is
going to be much harder for youand for your kiddo, and so that
is where you have to discernkind of what is the currency of
your child?
Some children need to go awayand they need to let you know
when they're ready to listen andwhen you're ready to talk.
(09:36):
Other children it can just be afew minutes and then they're
ready.
So I think as a mother, youhave to discern that, but at
least for myself, I've alsolearned for myself that I don't
listen well when I amemotionally high, and so I need
to get myself regulated, get mynervous system back in order,
(09:58):
before I even start thelistening process.
So I would say that discernmentis important and also it comes
from the Holy Spirit too.
There are moments when Iliterally am crying out loud
with my words Holy Spirit, helpme know how to handle this
situation, and he is our helperand he will help us Absolutely.
Leanne (10:21):
Oh, I love that.
I love that and I think you'reright.
It's knowing your child,knowing what they need in that
moment, and then also yourself.
That's something that I've beenworking out with my 10 year old
is that I like to resolveconflict right away.
I don't like to, I don't liketo to perseverate.
I just want to get better andget back on track right away.
She needs time, and so that'sbeen like something that we've
(10:45):
had to work through, and so Ihear what you're saying about
knowing what they need.
They're the child, you're theadult, like let them do what
they need and then come back andcircle back to that
conversation when everyone'swilling to listen.
Shelley (10:58):
Yes.
I love that I will also say ona practical note, especially
with girls, because we'retalking about girls and that is
most of my experience right nowis with my ninth grader, seventh
grader and fifth grader.
Also, as a mother,understanding where they are
hormonally is very important.
Where you are in the month andwhere they are in the month is
(11:21):
very, very important, and Ithink sometimes we can kind of
put that on the back burner,pretend like it's not a big deal
, but it actually is a huge deal.
Leanne (11:32):
When it comes to handling conflict and tension in
a communication kind of a way,how do you check yourself to
make sure that you're modelingwhat you want your kids to
imitate, especially the girls,since they're looking at you as
their mom?
How do you kind of check yourown self?
Shelley (11:53):
One of the things that I found really, really helpful,
especially with my girls, isbeing honest with them about
when I'm struggling tocommunicate well.
So a practical example is theother day I was having a hard
day.
I had not slept well, I wastired.
There were other physicalthings happening and I told my
(12:16):
daughter I say in a little while, when mommy has come back to a
regulated place, and so for mesometimes that looks like just
going in a quiet room andturning on worship music for a
minute.
Sometimes it looks like prayingreally quickly.
Sometimes it literally lookslike just reading a scripture or
a truth to myself about hey,communication is important, this
(12:42):
is important.
They are watching how I handlethis and it is worth the work
for me to be able to be in theright mindset and the right
heart posture before we handlethis.
So being honest with them aboutmy humanity, I think, has been
something that has freed them tobe honest so that we can work
together to be a goodcommunication team.
Leanne (13:05):
Absolutely.
You're modeling the honestythat you want them to also share
with you.
So I've heard you say beforethat your habits and your
rhythms are silentlycommunicating your priorities.
Do you have any examples thatyou could share with us about
what you mean by that?
Shelley (13:26):
I think that is such a great question because it
recognizes that communication isso much more than our words,
and I think, especially for usmoms, it's really important for
us to remember that our wordsare communicating, but also our
lives are communicating to ourkids, and one of the things that
I have become very aware of isespecially how my high schooler
(13:50):
and my middle schooler arewatching how I start my day.
They are watching my rhythmsand how they impact my attitude
when I wake up in the mornings,and so for years I woke up at
like 4.30 in the morning.
By the time my kids got up, Ihad already been up for two and
a half hours and I was likeready for the day.
(14:11):
As my children have gotten older, they like to stay up later and
need to be more present laterin the evenings, which means
that my wake up time has gottenlater than it was before, than
it was before.
(14:31):
And yet I have had to look athow can I model to them, getting
my body, my appearance and myheart in the right place to be
positioned correctly for the day.
And so I have changed some ofmy morning rhythms, but they
still reflect what is mostimportant, which is get my mind
and my heart positioned towardsthe Lord, which looks like a
devotion and quiet time with theLord.
(14:51):
Even sometimes it's fiveminutes, so I don't want your
listeners to think, oh, shespends three hours in the Word,
but just a few minutes to getlocked in with truth.
Then I get dressed for the day,I make up my bed and then I
encounter my kids, and what'scool about this is I have not
(15:11):
verbally communicated to mygirls hey, this is how we start
the day, but I have noticed thatmy girls have started to follow
that same type of patternbecause they're observing it in
me.
So it's not a home rhythm thatwe have, like said, hey, this is
what we as a family do, butthey are observing and now it
(15:35):
has that like trickle downeffect of communication to them
of, hey, this is kind of how weget positioned spiritually,
mentally, emotionally,physically for the day that.
Leanne (15:45):
God has given.
I love that so much and Ireally like to we hear that
phrase.
More is caught than taught, andthat is reminding me of that
that they're seeing what you'redoing and again, you're not
lecturing, you are simply doingwhat you know you need to do,
based on what your HeavenlyFather has spoken over you, and
(16:06):
then now they are getting toexperience that too, and there's
so many wonderful things inthere that I love.
With that, in this season ofraising teenagers and teenage
girls, have you found yourselfgoing back to a certain portion
of Scripture, or are therecertain truths that you feel
like you've been really clingingto in this season?
Shelley (16:29):
Yes, I feel like we're in the trench of helping our
girls learn how to relate toother people in a healthy way,
and when I say that, I don'tmean like emotional intelligence
as much as just interpersonalskills, and if you have girls
that are towards that middleschool age, you know what I'm
(16:52):
talking about.
And so I feel like we haveample opportunity every single
day to work through.
How do we speak words of lifeover other people?
How do we set the tone when wewalk into a room of life?
How do we posture and positionourselves as girls to be the
(17:15):
girls that people want to befriends with, because they know
that you are going to be thesame in front of them as you are
when you're not with them?
And so one of the things that Ihave been just clinging to as
I've been helping my girls workthrough this, is Proverbs 18, 21
, which you probably arefamiliar with, but it says the
(17:37):
tongue has the power of life anddeath and those who love it
will eat its fruit.
And reminding my girls that howthey speak has the power to
build up or to tear down, andalso what they allow themselves
to be entertained around from aconversation standpoint has the
(18:01):
ability to give them areputation of either life or
death.
So I'll give a practicalexample, because I know a lot of
these things we can like assentto in our brain, right.
But then we're like but whatdoes this actually look like,
right?
So recently one of my girls wasstruggling with a friend with
some boundaries, and so she hadkind of set up some boundaries
(18:22):
and she wasn't really sure howto communicate those boundaries
to her friend without hurtingher friend.
And so one of my favoritequotes is Brene Brown's clarity
is kindness.
I don't know everything thatBrene says, but I love that
quote because clarity iskindness, but there is a way to
say things in a clear way thatleaves the other person honored
(18:44):
and respected, and loved.
And so we had to sit down andmap out here is how you can
communicate with this friend ina clear, kind, respectful way,
to preserve the friendship, toleave her feeling built up and
also to respect the boundariesthat you have put in place.
(19:05):
And so we worked through it.
There were a bunch of textmessages that were exchanged
throughout the experience, butwhat that communication led to
was it led to a preservation intheir friendship.
It led to confidence in mydaughter that she can actually
set boundaries and stick to themwithout damaging friendships,
(19:29):
and it deepened my relationshipwith her because we sat next to
each other and worked throughthis together.
So that is why words matter,because so much more than what
comes out of our mouth, theyliterally have the power to
build up or to tear down.
(20:16):
That's the life and the deathelement of that Proverbs
scripture.
So that's one of the manyscriptures that I've longed to
reason and have brought up overand over and over again for
myself and also for my girls.
Leanne (20:29):
That's such a good one.
Wow, All of that right there.
I'm just totally tracking withmy daughter and I've also had
some friendship things to workthrough, even just already at 10
.
So I can see how that is justgoing to progress as she gets
older and the nuances of thosefriendships.
But I love that you arebringing the back to the truth
in the word and helping them seehow the power of their words
(20:51):
matters, how much that matters.
What is your hope for your kidsas they look back on your words
and your presence during theirteenage years?
Like what?
What's your like forwardthinking?
Like what do you hope that theyglean from that someday?
Shelley (21:07):
you know, for the longest time.
I think that list was long,leanne, but I think the longer I
parent, the shorter the listgets and ultimately, I want my
children to walk out my doorhopefully at 18, because I am
working myself out of a job.
I want them to know Jesus, towant to know him and love him
(21:28):
more and to love people deeply,to want to know him and love him
more and to love people deep.
Leanne (21:31):
It's beautiful, that's it, yeah.
Yeah, I mean that's the love,the Lord, your God, with all
your heart, soul and mind, andthen love others.
That's so good.
Shelley (21:41):
Yes, and so, at the end of the day, if that is true and
their hearts are continuallypointed towards falling in love
with Jesus, being transformed byhim, the communication, all of
that stuff is going to follow.
That kind of goes back to whatI said earlier about listening
first to our heavenly father.
When we're rooted in that, alot of these things will take
(22:02):
care of themselves.
It doesn't mean it's not goingto be messy or we're not going
to do it wrong, but it does meanthat a lot of these dominoes
are going to fall in the rightdirection when we get that right
.
Leanne (22:15):
The simplicity of that is actually really liberating.
Just to know it doesn't have tobe complicated, like you said,
there isn't a book of thesecertain words we're supposed to
be saying.
There isn't that.
Shelley (22:29):
No, and that's why we need the power of the Holy
Spirit because, there is nuancehere and especially as your kids
are getting into those teenageyears, it can be really tricky
to help them navigate in a waythat, especially in the age of
technology- when you're texting,you're not having face-to-face
conversations, you know allthese kinds of things, and
(22:51):
that's why I continually comeback to okay, but his grace is
sufficient.
He has said that.
He has said that when we remainin him, the fruit will come,
john 15.
So if that is true, which it is, then that is our posture, that
is our position, and the restof it will take care of itself.
Leanne (23:09):
So good.
So for the mom who's listeningand is feeling maybe overwhelmed
or a little stretched thinright now, do you have one
simple shift that she can maketoday to kind of walk into that
speaking life over her kids?
Shelley (23:27):
I just want to say to that mom, you are not alone.
Leanne (23:31):
You are not alone.
Shelley (23:32):
I think that's the most important thing.
I think, as moms, we can be sohard on ourselves, thinking I
should have all of this figuredout, I should be speaking life
over my kids, like we know thatright from scripture.
So you are not alone in beingstretched thin and feeling like
you have nothing left to give.
The simple shift that I wouldencourage more than anything
(23:57):
else is that, when it comes tospeaking life, the first step is
to stop talking.
Leanne (24:06):
Brilliant.
Shelley (24:08):
Yes, which is hard it's easier said than done, right,
yeah, but stop talking and startlistening.
And the easiest way to do thisif you have kids that are
speaking if they're toddlers,this is not so much the case but
if they are able to speak, theeasiest thing is when they come
to talk to you.
(24:29):
Instead of responding withwords that are from you, just
repeat back to them what theysaid in a question.
So a simple example is your,you know, let's say, your
kindergartner walks into thekitchen and says Mommy, mommy,
mommy, I just built this, youknow whatever Lego, and you're
set, and you're thinking Ireally don't care, I just need
(24:51):
to get dinner on the table,right, but you know that you
need to speak life over them.
In that moment, you just turn tothem and turn it into a
question and say, oh, you justbuilt a new lego set.
You're literally repeating thewords that they said in the form
of a question, and that is away to affirm them as a person,
(25:14):
you have value, I respect you, Ilove you, I want to be in
relationship with you, and soyou don't need to come up with
anything new to say, literallyjust repeat it in the form of a
question.
That's going to keep themtalking and you just move on.
So listening first, so don'tsay anything.
Or if you have to say something, just repeat what they say back
(25:36):
to you in the form of aquestion, unless they're asking
a question, in which case thatmight be.
Leanne (25:41):
Good, keep going Questioned all day.
I love that, but that is,that's a.
It's a simple thing you can do.
And in even in that simplicitycause I can hear my boys say
that exact phrase to me all daylong and just repeating the
question back to them.
I'm not reinventing anything,but they do feel so proud of
themselves and then, yeah, theycarry on the conversation, or
that was it.
(26:01):
They just needed to tell me.
And sometimes that's it, andeven with my girl, who's not in
that same little stage, but shestill just, sometimes just wants
to tell me and I just need tolisten and that's good, so good.
Shelley (26:15):
Exactly and sometimes helping yourself listen and
connect with them.
It requires you to turn aroundand look at them and just repeat
back, because that requires youto actually listen.
Leanne (26:28):
So that is part of the active listening that I think
they want more than anythingelse, I agree, I think that's so
good and it doesn't take somuch effort on our part, which I
think is the part that weforget so good.
Well, there's so many wonderfulthings that were said here
today, and I know that I hadasked you to select a psalm that
(26:50):
you felt would just kind ofencapsulate all of this
conversation over words, and so,to close today, I would love
for you to read that psalm forus, and that it can just
encourage and bless all of us.
Shelley (27:03):
I love the Word of God and I love that it is always
perfect in communicating exactlywhat we need.
Leanne (27:10):
Yes.
Shelley (27:11):
And exactly the perfect character of God, and so I
think this is the perfect wayfor us to end, and I want to
read Psalm 139, because this istruth that communicates our
identity in Christ as mothers,but it also communicates
identity for our children, andso it can be an encouragement to
(27:31):
both of us and to our kids aswell.
So Psalm 139 says you havesearched me, lord, and you know
me.
You know when I sit down andwhen I rise.
You perceive my thoughts fromafar.
You discern my going out and mylying down.
You are familiar with all of myways.
(27:51):
Before a word is on my tongue,you, lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderfulfor me.
It's too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your spirit?
Where can I flee from yourpresence?
(28:13):
If I go to the heavens, you arethere.
If I make my bed in the depths,you are there.
If I rise on the wings of thedawn and if I settle on the far
side of the sea, even there yourhand will guide me.
Your right hand will hold mefast.
If I say surely the darknesswill hide me and the light
become night around me.
(28:34):
Even the darkness will not bedark to you.
The night will shine like theday, for darkness is as light to
you, for you created my inmostbeing.
You knit me together at mymother's womb.
I praise you because I amfearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful.
I know that full well.
(28:55):
My frame was not hidden fromyou.
When I was made in the secretplace, when I was woven together
in the depths of the earth,your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for mewere written in your book before
one of them came to.
It's beautiful.
Leanne (29:26):
Thank you so much, shelley, just for sharing these
words with us, and your pursuitof excellence in this area is
bringing so much encouragementto me and to many women, so
thank you so much for sharingwith us.
Shelley (29:38):
Thank you, Leanne.
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