November 17, 2025 • 33 mins
This podcast episode delves into the cinematic missteps of "Jupiter Ascending," a film that exemplifies the phenomenon of unintended humor despite its earnest intentions. We assert that the film, laden with ambitious concepts and a star-studded cast, ultimately succumbs to a plethora of narrative and casting misjudgments that render it both perplexing and unintentionally amusing. The discussion navigates the film's failings, particularly its convoluted plot and the peculiar performances that result in moments of levity rather than the intended gravitas. We analyze how the Wachowskis' world-building prowess is overshadowed by awkward character portrayals, particularly Channing Tatum's role, which fails to resonate with audiences. Through a thorough examination of these elements, we engage in a reflective discourse on the film's potential and the myriad ways it could have been executed more effectively.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
It's, you know, a calculationthat uses gravity and blah, blah,
blah.
I'm like, you don't know whatyou're talking about.
Like, boots go up.
Yeah, that make.
That makes no sense.
Like, just say, I don't knowhow the they work, but they, you
know, they keep float on them.
I can run on air.
Like, it's just.
It's so stupid.
(00:29):
Welcome to the what'sEverybody Podcast, where we fashion
ourselves of cinematic judging.
Jerry, My name is J.J. crowder.
I'm here with my co host, Alec Burgess.
Let's get it.
We appreciate you tuning in.
Go and hit that followsubscribe like bell notification
buttons.
Hit them all.
Help you keep up with all theepisodes we put out, as well as helps
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(00:50):
member, in this case, royalalien, human, or you don't tell a
half wolf, whatever.
That shit's weird.
But anyway, yeah, so we're.
We're in week three of moviesthat are funny, though they were
not intended to be funny.
(01:11):
And we're.
We're in the meat of thisright here.
So we are doing JupiterAscending this week.
It was released February 6, 2015.
It was written and directed bythe Wachowski sisters, Lena and Lily
now, and it stars Mila Kunis,Channing Tatum, Sean Bean, Eddie
(01:35):
Raid, Maine, Douglas Booth,Tuppence Middleton, Christina Cole,
Nicholas Newman, and MariaDoyle Kennedy.
It's about a geneticallyengineered soldier who informs a
young woman her extraordinary destiny.
God, that's the laziestfreaking synopsis we've had.
That is up there.
That's.
(01:55):
That's bad.
So, jj, this was your pick?
This is my pick.
I am dying to know why.
Because I have a guess at howyou came to this pic.
Dude.
Okay, so listen, when.
As soon as I saw this topicpop, I was like, this was the number
one.
(02:16):
So both of the movies, thisweek's and next week's were the.
Like, they were the firstthings that popped into my head and
I had to pull out of my ass.
The third one, I don't evenremember what I put on the list for
the third, because these two,I was like, these are gonna be it.
And this one, like, I rememberbecause we've.
We've done the Matrix.
We've done the most recentMatrix, which is bad.
(02:38):
But we, like.
So we've talked about thesethings before, and the Matrix is
one of my favorite movies ofall time.
And I think the Wachowskis aregeniuses at, like, world building
and to A certain degree.
Normally it's story buildingand writing and you know, so when
it was being announced thatthey had this whole new world that
(03:01):
they were creating in thisnew, I was like, let's go.
And it had me lacunis in it.
I could do without Channing Tatum.
That's just me, Sean Bean,freaking Eddie Redmay.
I mean, this cast is stacked as.
And so I'm seeing all this andI'm like, the visuals are going to
be amazing.
The story's going to be cool.
(03:22):
And then I went and saw it andI was like, the, like, it's so bad.
And it's supposed to be likeserious and like intense and dramatic
and it's just not.
Like every time Channing Tatumcomes on the screen, I laugh my ass
(03:45):
off.
He looks like such a gooberwith his weird ass, dyed beard and
hair and the fangs that are adifferent color than the rest of
his teeth and his ears.
I'm like, what is happeningright now?
And then Sean Bean, who's justin there to be in there, like, there's
no point in his character,like, oh.
(04:06):
But even if you like tookChanning Tatum and made him more
Sean Bean, it would be really good.
Yeah.
Or at least a lot better.
And it's the fact that theyshare the screen together all the
time, but it's night and dayand yeah.
Polar opposites on whatthey're doing.
Yeah.
And if you just had ChanningTatum act like Sean Bean or even
the reverse put Sean Beanacting as champions.
(04:27):
God.
And kind of keep likes together.
Because I mean, you know, youtalked about the Wachowskis did the
Matrix.
Yeah.
Right.
And you know who, you know,the people are who are outside the
Matrix?
They all look the same.
Black trench coat, black glasses.
Right.
They, they fit a bill.
They look the same, they actthe same.
They have this kind of likeminded thing here is.
(04:50):
It's all, it's all over the place.
And it's.
I like, I can't take any of it seriously.
Like I want to becausevisually this movie is stunning.
Amazing.
Except for the weird boots.
Like that part looks a littlegoofy most of the time.
They're cool.
(05:11):
But speaking of funny.
Not supposed to be funny.
Like the explanation that hegives for the boot cracks me up every
time.
It's, you know, a calculationthat uses gravity and blah, blah.
I'm like, you don't know what the.
You're talking about.
Boots go up.
Yeah.
That makes, that makes no sense.
Like just say, I don't knowhow the they work.
(05:32):
But they, you know, they keepexplode on them.
I can run on air.
Like, it's just.
It's so stupid.
And then all the different.
Like, Like, I would be okay.
I think more too, because theother thing that makes me laugh is
every time a new character isintroduced, it's a new animal, human
hybrid.
And I'm like, okay, I get thelizards, dragons, whatever you want
(05:57):
to call them.
That shit's dope.
Those are cool.
They're terrifying.
Even though most of them turnout to be worthless fighters.
But it's cool.
I even like the idea of thewolf hybrid, right?
If he just didn't look sogoddamn goofy.
Like, if they could just letChanning Tatum be Channing Tatum.
Let him be bald, let him havea shaved head.
(06:18):
Don't dye his goddamn facial hair.
This weird ass.
Not natural color to try tomake it look like a wolf color.
You know what I mean?
Like, make it looking.
Yeah, it's just weird.
And they picked the wrongcolor wolf.
Like, it.
The w. It looks like they'retrying to match the coloration of
like a Mexican wolf, whichthey're gorgeous animals.
(06:42):
But it doesn't look right on a human.
Like, it just doesn't.
Like, if you had gone like,full gray and black, like, that would
have been cooler.
I'd have been, okay.
Dye his beard black.
Let his hair have some waftsof gray and silver or something.
Make him a gray wolf.
Like, that would have beenmuch better, right?
You have all sorts of coloroptions at that point.
Anyway, I was just like, what the.
(07:03):
Because he just looks goofy.
And then you have, oh, I can'tremember her name, but I love her
name even though I can'tremember it.
But, like, the little.
She's like a little mouse, Ithink, with, like, the piercings
and the big ears.
The one that's, like, captured.
Anyway, it's just like everytime I see one outside of the dragons,
I'm like, oh, God, this is goofy.
(07:25):
It just looks wrong.
And the one guy's a rat.
And I'm just like, why?
Like, what's the point?
Like, at least if you're gonnado it.
The wolves, I understand thedragon thing.
Lizards, things I understandbecause they're.
They have their place and kindof what they're designed for, but
we don't get to see.
I mean, we kind of do the ratbecause he's like this sniveling
little spy weasel dude.
(07:47):
But, like, why is she a mouse?
Or why is she.
Whatever it is, because, like,it needs to make sense.
You can't Just do it to do it.
And I think a lot of things,they were like, well, this would
be interesting, but I need toknow why.
At least I do.
And that's a me thing.
But every time I see one, Ijust start laughing and I just can't.
It's goofy.
Well, I feel like you, you canfix that with literally one line
(08:11):
of dialogue.
Yeah, right.
Or one mention of the factthat all these different kind of
hybrids that you have is justbased on characteristics.
Yeah, right.
So I mean, give that 12 lineexplanation of, you know, the.
Maybe they don't even have acategory sorting thing.
(08:31):
It's just that when you'reborn in this kind of universe or
in this alien esque typething, like based on your characteristics
that you come out.
You're a mouse, you're a rat,you're a wolf, you're a dragon, you're
a killer whale, whoever youmay be.
Yeah, I mean anything.
Yeah, you can fit it in withjust one little explanation of dialogue
(08:53):
to alleviate all this.
Because the, the problem thatI have with this movie is the potential
that is there.
And no huge world, massive potential.
And it is, you know, over inwhat, two hours, 15 minutes, where
(09:14):
it's just, you're left wanting.
Not even more, but justwanting to understand where you're
at.
Whereas if you compare it tothe Matrix, which is hard to do because
it's like lightning in abottle, but it's, it's like you get
the world piece by piece.
And this is almost.
They started at the end andyou know, just, it just, there's,
(09:38):
there's too much to try andfit into a movie and because it,
you know, I don't know forsure, but I'm guessing it didn't
do too hot the box office.
You're not gonna get any more,which is unfortunate because there's
still a lot that you could doand you know, give these storytelling
things, but you're just, itstarted too big and now I don't get
(10:00):
to know any more about theAbraxas or whatever clan going out
and devouring worlds.
Yeah, like that's a cool concept.
I love the idea behind this movie.
I love the story and it'sjust, it's just completely unrealized
for forever.
And you know, I, I, becauseI'll go back and I've watched this,
(10:22):
you know, a handful of timesand it's just every single time I'm
left, think, look at the beard.
And it's, it's kind of a sadthing because it's it's, it's background
noise a hundred percent.
And it's just a few momentswhere I kind of look over and I giggle
about this or that because,you know, it's, it's a, it's one
(10:43):
of those like reallyunfulfilling movies because I get
a glimpse of what could havebeen and I don't get it.
Yeah, it's.
It is really frustrating.
And you make a good point.
One that I didn't think about,like from the perspective of how
they did the Matrix.
Right.
And I think the more I wassitting there thinking about it while
you were talking is they didtoo much too fast.
(11:05):
To your point.
Like, I don't need to meet allthree of Braxis siblings.
Like just one.
Yeah.
In fact, like, I don't thinkwe should have left Earth until the
very end of this movie.
We.
And I can tell you right now,the other part that makes me laugh
in the worst possible way isthe whole like DMV government bounced
(11:26):
around that they're trying toget her like, rights or whatever.
Like take that away andstreamline it.
Like, make it so this guy,like somebody comes down and instead
of it being Channing Tatum'scharacter that comes down and like
saves her from the weird assalien, invisible whatever, trying
to kill her.
(11:46):
Like, have it be like somebodycomes down and this lawyer guy comes
in and like gives her herbirthright, right?
Gets through that process ofthe birthright and then they try
to kill her and then he comesin and saves her and we spend the
whole time on Earth of herlearning why am I being hunted?
(12:06):
And you know, and then we getSean being in it and they don't.
And then at the very end we goup and you meet one of the siblings,
whether it's the douchebagthat tries to marry her or the sister
that seemed to me had a ton ofpotential to be an interesting first
sibling because she was the least.
(12:26):
She seemed like she justwanted to.
She's like, I got what I got.
I don't give a.
You know, you having yourbirthright means dick all to me.
I just want my mom back.
Right?
So it's like.
And I thought that idea wascool on top of the fact that I think
it's dope ass that these guyscan like implant themselves, their
(12:47):
DNA sequence somewhere to be reborn.
And then all of a sudden get all.
And then they're just kind ofa different person.
Like that idea, you know,almost like reincarnation, forced
reincarnation versus like theHindu version, right?
Like it's it's intriguing tosay, well, I'm gonna start over.
It'll still be me.
(13:08):
And I'll have all the geneticcode so I can get all my.
But maybe I choose to dosomething completely different with
my wealth and my, you know,strength and power.
Like, it's such an intriguingconcept, but we never get to see
any of it realized becausewe're bouncing around so goddamn
much that I can't even keep upwith what's going on.
Half the time I'm like, oh,the only thing I know for sure is
(13:29):
we spend five minutes going to19 different people behind a glass
window.
Yeah.
The other thing that kind of.
Hurts.
A little bit for me is Ithink, timing on this.
So, like, when this came out,because I was just running through
Alyssa came out saying in asimilar time as like Percy Jackson.
(13:51):
Right.
And Maze Runner and Ender's Game.
And it kind of fits into thatvein a little bit of this almost
teen, you know, adventure story.
Like you can even lump HungerGames into there.
Yeah.
If you really wanted to.
And the problem is that allthese other movies, like, had the
(14:13):
backing of a book.
Yeah.
Or a well fleshed out world.
And it's almost like they,they tried to pull from these other
franchises and, and make it.
Because I was thinking aboutwhen you're talking about the beginning.
Right.
And staying on Earth, thebeginning of Jupiter Ascending and
the beginning of like, PercyJackson are almost identical in the
(14:36):
sense of what you're seeingand going and then, you know, having
your eyes open to a whole newworld type of a thing.
Yeah.
And it just, it just gets spedalong and then you can even throw
in a little bit of the MazeRunner and not in Jupiter and you
know, not knowing who you areand having to go on this journey
of self discovery.
And it's just, it's, it's.
(14:57):
It's like we talked aboutdoing too much and trying to.
Instead of just telling your.
The story that you want totell, it's like, hey, you know, let's
pull from all these othersuccessful or not successful, but
you know, fan bases that arecoming out at the same time.
Let's do our own thing andjust pull a bit from it and you know,
here we go.
(15:18):
Because I, I don't think thisis a book series, is it?
No, it's coming up.
Yeah.
So it's like there's, there'sthe potential here to really go and
create something, but it's,it's almost like, oh, we could do
that better.
Yeah.
Pull it in here.
We'll take this and we'll take this.
We'll mush it all up.
And it's got everything thatwe want for it and it just doesn't
(15:41):
land.
No at all.
You know, not even remotely.
And it's sad.
Like I said, like, it's justsuch an interesting concept.
Like I love the line where,you know, he's, and he's like humans,
you, I know you think humansare, come from Earth and they're
like, yeah, no, they came fromthis planet X billion years ago or
(16:03):
whatever and every other.
And then you learn like.
And I mean, here's the otherproblem is you're like, oh, so it's
the Matrix in space.
Because.
Right.
I mean, it's the same conceptas the Matrix, right.
You have this evil.
I guess evil is probably thewrong word.
But like you have the bad guyswhich are like this sentient level,
(16:28):
high level of being that needsentry level characters to survive.
Right.
So that it's just.
Instead of batteries, it'slong life or immortality based.
Yeah.
Based on using like turningother humans into a moisturizer.
(16:50):
They're a farm.
Yeah.
Earth is a farm once again.
Yeah.
So instead of like giant podsof human farms, you got planets that
are farms that they just wipe away.
So it's, I mean it's.
Honestly, it's the Matrix inspace, like on steroids.
But it's.
I, I like it, I like theconcept of it and like the idea behind
(17:13):
it.
I just.
To your point, I wish they hadthought it through a little bit more.
Like, because you can tellwith the Matrix the way that they
set it up, they were like,look, we don't know if we're gonna
get another movie because thisshit's wild.
We're gonna make sure it endsin a way that you know, is satisfactory.
But we can also build on it ifneed be, if it's successful.
(17:34):
And I don't think that, like,I think they knew they needed to
do something like that, butthey were like, well, let's go all
out.
And then they tried to stuffeverything into this movie and I'm
like, just keep it simple.
Stupid.
Like I, I wish more directorsand writers and would just go, let's
keep it simple.
(17:55):
Because when I think back andI go, and I look at movies that,
especially when we're doing acategory like this, right.
Like movies that are just sobad they're funny and they're not
meant to be funny.
Like almost all of them, I cansay you took your too seriously and
then you tried to do too much.
Almost all of them.
(18:15):
Like, and if you just backedup and went, what's the most simple
format in which I can tellthis story?
And let's do that.
And obviously this is nevergoing to be a simple movie.
This is huge, right?
Like, the scale, the scope,everything is massive.
But you can, you can shrink itdown to the necessary pieces that
(18:36):
you need.
Versus let's get out there andtell everything all at once so that
we can make it huge in the spectacle.
And I don't want that.
Like, I want your trilogy tobe a spectacle.
I want your first movie toleave me wanting more in a good way.
Like, this was awesome.
I want to see more instead of.
This could have been amazing.
(18:58):
Somebody else do it better?
Yeah.
Oh, wait, you already did it better.
So it's just, I.
And it's super frustrating.
And I think it started withChanning Tatum being the wrong casting
for this.
I'm with you.
Like, I would.
It would make more sense tome, especially the way that they
(19:22):
line this story up where shenever knew her father.
Right?
Like, or he was.
She was very young.
When she loses her father,make him Sean Bean.
Yeah.
This grizzled old veteran thatbecomes her father figure instead
of a weird ass love interest.
Like, because I have nointerest in their love story.
(19:43):
None.
Because it's weird and it'sstupid and I don't like him.
So if it's her and Sean Beanand it's this father figure and she's
chasing the father she didn'thave because she gets to learn about
her father and you know, thesethings that he loved in space and
it's like this realization ofwhat he wanted.
Now, now I'm intrigued.
(20:05):
Okay, Now I want to see this.
And I would even say you couldhave made like, Channing Tatum the
villain because here, let'sjust get this one out in the open.
I love, like, I think EddieRedmayne is one of the better actors
of our generation.
Like our age group.
You know What I mean?
30s, 40s.
(20:27):
He sucks in this because he'slike, again, it's like the whole
movie.
He's trying too hard.
Like this weird ass, slow,methodical, quiet voice.
And then he, like loses hisand starts screaming.
Like, I know he's trying to belike, intimidating and creepy and
it just doesn't work.
It just doesn't work.
(20:47):
But I think Channing Tatum, ormake the mitt the other brother,
the creepy one that almostgets her to marry that guy could
have been a really goodvillain because he's Likable and
yet twisted as like I was moreworried about that guy than Eddie
Redmayne's character.
Right.
Like I just everything theycast and I feel like they cast it
(21:12):
wrong to say, well, we've gotEddie Redmayne, we've got Channing
Tatum, we've got Sean Bean,we've got Mila Kunis.
This can't go wrong.
Well, you got them in thewrong parts.
Yeah.
Like move them around.
Yeah.
Because Eddie Redmayne is thecreepy ass dude that wants him to
marry her.
That would have worked.
Right.
Because he's creep.
You're like, don't marry him.
(21:33):
No, that's, no, you're do.
You can tell you're doing thatout of like obligation.
Whereas with the good lookingdude, like that's like really nice
and sweet and lying his ass off.
You're like, that might not beso bad.
Yeah.
So I tell you, like I, I keepbeating this dead horse, but, or
(21:54):
I have in episodes before, butlike Neil Patrick Harris.
Oh wow.
Put him in a role in this real.
Because I've been, I mean he'sso good.
He's been so good his entirelife, but as he's getting older now,
he's even better.
Yeah.
And so he recently, it's beena little bit since he did it, but
(22:15):
he was recently in Doctor.
Doctor who.
He played a kind of aantagonistic and it's wonderful.
And he's very good at thatkind of sadistic evil.
I mean, you know, BarneyStinson and.
Oh yeah.
It's just perfect.
And so it's, it's like he's sogood in, he'd be perfect as one of
(22:40):
these immortals who is comingout and, and he could, he could be
anyone.
So you'd be guessing he couldbe the nice one that you know is
trying to get her to marry himor it could be the absolute evil
of bone.
It would just be, it'd be funto watch because now you're guessing
that what his real motivationsare and he doesn't give anything
(23:01):
away on camera.
And so he, he would have beenlike, I, I, I love his acting and
it's just like, dude, likeeven put him in Channing Tatum's
role.
Yeah.
I think just about anybodyelse would have been perfect in Channing
Tatum's role.
But I, I have massive issueswith Channing Tatum across the board.
(23:21):
I don't think he's a great actor.
I, it's just, no, it's a mething maybe, but not a big fan.
Dude can dance his Ass off.
But acting's not his bag.
But I'm with you.
He's got people around him.
He's.
All right, sure.
And so.
But that's thing, like we'vetalked about before with other actors
(23:42):
on here is you're putting themfront and center, and then, like,
you're trying to surround himwith people that are trying to make
him better.
But he's the eye candy andhe's the face.
And.
Yeah, like, I, like.
I actually really liked him inthe jump street stuff, but that's
just because he's goofing off.
Yeah.
(24:02):
And so it's.
It's almost like he's not evenacting at that point.
He's just being Channing Tatum.
And that's where he's really.
He's gold.
And so, like, I mean, he'spopped up in a few movies where he's
just a cameo.
Yeah.
And in many cases, it's thebest part of the movie.
Oh, yeah.
There's Channing Tatum.
(24:22):
No.
No.
And so it's.
It's.
It's very hard.
Not hard to watch him in,like, such a leading role, but it
exposes his lack of range.
Yeah.
When you're trying to put himinto so much, he's.
You can't really carry a sceneas well as other people can.
(24:42):
Well.
And you're setting him up forfailure because you're setting him,
like, he's got to act againsttwo Oscar winners and an Oscar nominee
like these.
You got Eddie Ren Main andMila Kunis, who have both won Oscars.
I think Eddie Redmayne's wonmore than one.
And it's, like, surprised.
He's good.
He's great.
And I'm like, you can't sethim next to people like that and
(25:07):
not expect him to hold up.
Like, it's just not gonna work.
He works in a movie like.
Like Deadpool, because look atwhere he's acting against.
Right.
Like, yeah, let's.
Okay.
You know, it's goofy.
He works in 21 and 22 Jumpstreet or whatever.
Because, again, there's no.
But you set him next to these.
(25:28):
These phenomenal actors.
And even Sean Bean.
Like, you can't do that tosomebody and be like, you're good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, even.
I don't remember her name.
Like, I think it's Goo Goo and Bathara.
Like, the one that's thelittle mouse girl that's his, like,
captor.
Like, even she's phenomenal.
(25:48):
Like, you can't.
And he's just, like, weird.
Like, it Just doesn't work, so.
Yeah.
So unfortunate.
Yeah, it.
It really is.
And I've been trying to think,like, who could, like, if you had
to have him be the love story, right?
And, like, he's the trinityto, you know, Mila Kunis's Neo.
(26:08):
Like, what's.
Who would.
And I. I don't.
I don't know.
Like, I.
You know, actually, you knowwhat I do know.
There's so.
I can't remember his name now,but the two of them were in the.
The new Top Gun movie together.
One of them was Rooster.
Oh, Miles.
Miles Teller.
He would have been awesome inthis role, as would the guy that's
(26:32):
doing the Chad, the weirdfootball TV show.
Oh, yeah, Glenn Powell.
Glenn Powell.
He would have been amazing inthis role too.
Like, and I think they werepretty young, and I don't know, they
may have been too young in2015, but.
Like, no, because, I mean, Ithink Miles Taylor would fit because
he was doing, like, Divergent around.
Yeah, that's fair.
Diversion series and GlennPowell, I mean, he really up and
(26:54):
coming over the last coupleyears, but he's got that.
You know, he's got it.
He's got that charismatic badboy look.
Someone who would disobeyorders and get the.
Get himself in hot water,like, you know, channel Tam's character.
Yeah, well.
And I could see a girl fallingfor him.
Oh.
You know what I mean?
Like, yeah, I fall for himevery single time.
(27:16):
Seriously.
Like, yeah, I'm down.
You know what I mean?
Like, but that's the part,like, Channing Tato.
It just doesn't work.
I'm like, why would you fallfor this guy?
Like.
Like, come on, man.
Like, take him to the dogteeth cleaner.
Have a little self respect.
Yeah.
No, it's just.
It just doesn't work.
It just doesn't work.
(27:36):
But, yeah, I mean, I think.
I don't know.
I'm with you.
It's kind of like last weekwhere I feel like this movie's ripe
for a retry.
Like, and I think.
And maybe to your point, like,I don't know, maybe it needs to be.
I could see this beinganimated and being dope, like, and
not like, kids animation.
Like, for real, like, animestyle, dark.
(27:59):
You know what I mean?
Like, adult animation.
I could.
That would be cool.
I think they could pull that off.
But I think the story series.
I mean, yeah.
TV show, even, like.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I think there's.
There would.
I think it could have been successful.
I just think they tried to.
They did it wrong.
And it just didn't work.
So should we rate it?
Let's do it.
(28:22):
This is a one, dude.
Like, it's rough.
Like, it's.
It's hard to watch.
I.
And I listen there.
It works.
The theme, right?
Because I laugh, and I knowit's not supposed to be funny, but
I laugh my ass off at the smooth.
There's so many things that.
And the more serious they tryto be in this movie, the more funny
it is to me.
Like, it just.
Just doesn't work.
And it's sad to me to watchsome of the phenomenal talent that's
(28:44):
in this movie.
Just.
I'm like, oh, my God.
You have to look at this movieand go, what the was I thinking?
Oh, they paid me a lot ofmoney, and I got to work with the
Wachowskis.
That had to have been themotivation for a ton of people in
this movie, because I justdon't like.
It's just bad.
And it.
It's not what it's supposed tobe, but God damn, is it entertaining
(29:04):
from.
Let's pick this apart and redo it.
Like, how would we have done this?
Like, I love watching it forthat perspective, like, because I
think I can make this moviebetter, right?
Like, from a.
At least from a storyperspective and how we play it out
on the screen.
Look, I'm no director.
Like, I don't know how to doall that, but I could tell you what
would work better than whatyou did.
(29:25):
So I.
But it's bad.
It's a one.
That's what I'm giving it.
And I will do my best to neverwatch this movie again.
This is, like, the second timeI've ever watched it.
Because when I came out of thetheater in 2015, I was like, the.
Did I just watch?
But yeah.
So there it is.
One for me.
What about you, buddy?
I'm gonna come a little bit higher.
One and a half.
(29:46):
And that's just because I've.
I have gone back to it towatch it on occasion.
But, I mean, here's theproblem, is that it's.
And it's not even, like.
I want to say genocide, butit's not genocide.
It's like planet side planetdecide, like, should never be funny.
Yeah.
Cracking up your.
Your big bass, you know, bigbad boss battle at the end.
(30:09):
Shouldn't have me cackling orgiggling in stitches.
But I am admitst all the fireand the flames, and it's just.
It's just funny.
And so I think it's the.
Like, you said it hits itright on the head where like this,
this entire movie, none ofit's supposed to be funny.
It's supposed to be this big,you know, colossal kind of world
(30:29):
is at stake movie.
And aside from one or twolittle one liners here or there,
you shouldn't get any more humor.
And I'm quite portion of itbecause it is, it's just funny.
And you didn't have in thisone at least you didn't really have
what our last two did with areally compelling villain who's kind
(30:53):
of making it funny.
And you know, you could almostchalk that up to like an ironic funny.
This is just, it's just funnybecause it's funny falling apart
on its itself and sodefinitely fits the bill.
One and a half.
I know I will watch it again,but it's, it's not something that
(31:13):
I sit down like pay attentionto and hope that it gets better.
At this point it's just like Ineed something going on in the background.
Yeah, hilarious.
Terrible.
Glad we did it.
Yes.
It was fun to talk about.
I, I love when we talk about.
One of my favorite discussionswith us is like how would we do it
different?
You know?
Yes.
I love that.
(31:34):
We're brilliant.
2020.
Hell yeah.
We can do all that.
Sweet.
Well, tell everybody wherethey can find us when they're not
listening to us right now.
Happy to.
Like JJ said, this was weekthree of movies that are funny even
though they were neverintended to be.
So this is got one more weekleft in this month wrapping up with
(31:56):
a big one.
Best place to find us is onYouTube where you can see our smiling
faces as we giggle back andforth about funny movies that never
should have been.
But aside from that, Patreonis the best place to get what's our
Verdict Content.
We are on Patreon at what'sour Verdict Reviews.
We have up on patreon close to600 episodes of bonus content.
(32:17):
Now the bonus content isbehind a little bit of paywall, but
you get access to hours andhours of bloopers, outtakes, even
full length episodes of stuffthat we cannot put on the main channel
because it would immediatelyget us canceled.
But don't feel like you haveto pay to enjoy the Patreon perks.
We also have our votes up there.
(32:38):
So every month we put out avoting topic and I think December's
coming up here pretty soon orit's probably already passed at this
point.
But January is going to becoming up.
So get in on the voting topicsand then JJ and I have movies that
we put up so get in on thosevotes as well so you can have a little
bit of a hand in thewhatsoever to creation because these,
(32:59):
these votes matter to us.
We we are going for broke on it.
Special thanks to our currentpatrons Rich and cb.
They are the entire it's theirfault all the extra content episodes
that we couldn't put on thenew on the main channel.
So they we appreciate them butit is all their fault.
So if you do join the Patreoncheck it out.
(33:20):
We got some doozies.
But with that I'll kick itback to the wazir of wap the Maharaja
of MASH A JJ.
Yes sir.
Appreciate you Alec.
Yeah, go check us out.
A lot of fun there.
And with that as always weappreciate you tuning in.
We'll catch you on the next one.
Hasta la vista baby.
Magic.
It's, you know, a calculationthat uses gravity and blah, blah,
blah.
I'm like, you don't know whatyou're talking about.
Like, boots go up.
Yeah, that make.
That makes no sense.
Like, just say, I don't knowhow the they work, but they, you
know, they keep float on them.
I can run on air.
Like, it's just.
It's so stupid.
(00:29):
Welcome to the what'sEverybody Podcast, where we fashion
ourselves of cinematic judging.
Jerry, My name is J.J. crowder.
I'm here with my co host, Alec Burgess.
Let's get it.
We appreciate you tuning in.
Go and hit that followsubscribe like bell notification
buttons.
Hit them all.
Help you keep up with all theepisodes we put out, as well as helps
grow the podcast, which we appreciate.
You can also help grow thepodcast by telling a friend, family
(00:50):
member, in this case, royalalien, human, or you don't tell a
half wolf, whatever.
That shit's weird.
But anyway, yeah, so we're.
We're in week three of moviesthat are funny, though they were
not intended to be funny.
(01:11):
And we're.
We're in the meat of thisright here.
So we are doing JupiterAscending this week.
It was released February 6, 2015.
It was written and directed bythe Wachowski sisters, Lena and Lily
now, and it stars Mila Kunis,Channing Tatum, Sean Bean, Eddie
(01:35):
Raid, Maine, Douglas Booth,Tuppence Middleton, Christina Cole,
Nicholas Newman, and MariaDoyle Kennedy.
It's about a geneticallyengineered soldier who informs a
young woman her extraordinary destiny.
God, that's the laziestfreaking synopsis we've had.
That is up there.
That's.
(01:55):
That's bad.
So, jj, this was your pick?
This is my pick.
I am dying to know why.
Because I have a guess at howyou came to this pic.
Dude.
Okay, so listen, when.
As soon as I saw this topicpop, I was like, this was the number
one.
(02:16):
So both of the movies, thisweek's and next week's were the.
Like, they were the firstthings that popped into my head and
I had to pull out of my ass.
The third one, I don't evenremember what I put on the list for
the third, because these two,I was like, these are gonna be it.
And this one, like, I rememberbecause we've.
We've done the Matrix.
We've done the most recentMatrix, which is bad.
(02:38):
But we, like.
So we've talked about thesethings before, and the Matrix is
one of my favorite movies ofall time.
And I think the Wachowskis aregeniuses at, like, world building
and to A certain degree.
Normally it's story buildingand writing and you know, so when
it was being announced thatthey had this whole new world that
(03:01):
they were creating in thisnew, I was like, let's go.
And it had me lacunis in it.
I could do without Channing Tatum.
That's just me, Sean Bean,freaking Eddie Redmay.
I mean, this cast is stacked as.
And so I'm seeing all this andI'm like, the visuals are going to
be amazing.
The story's going to be cool.
(03:22):
And then I went and saw it andI was like, the, like, it's so bad.
And it's supposed to be likeserious and like intense and dramatic
and it's just not.
Like every time Channing Tatumcomes on the screen, I laugh my ass
(03:45):
off.
He looks like such a gooberwith his weird ass, dyed beard and
hair and the fangs that are adifferent color than the rest of
his teeth and his ears.
I'm like, what is happeningright now?
And then Sean Bean, who's justin there to be in there, like, there's
no point in his character,like, oh.
(04:06):
But even if you like tookChanning Tatum and made him more
Sean Bean, it would be really good.
Yeah.
Or at least a lot better.
And it's the fact that theyshare the screen together all the
time, but it's night and dayand yeah.
Polar opposites on whatthey're doing.
Yeah.
And if you just had ChanningTatum act like Sean Bean or even
the reverse put Sean Beanacting as champions.
(04:27):
God.
And kind of keep likes together.
Because I mean, you know, youtalked about the Wachowskis did the
Matrix.
Yeah.
Right.
And you know who, you know,the people are who are outside the
Matrix?
They all look the same.
Black trench coat, black glasses.
Right.
They, they fit a bill.
They look the same, they actthe same.
They have this kind of likeminded thing here is.
(04:50):
It's all, it's all over the place.
And it's.
I like, I can't take any of it seriously.
Like I want to becausevisually this movie is stunning.
Amazing.
Except for the weird boots.
Like that part looks a littlegoofy most of the time.
They're cool.
(05:11):
But speaking of funny.
Not supposed to be funny.
Like the explanation that hegives for the boot cracks me up every
time.
It's, you know, a calculationthat uses gravity and blah, blah.
I'm like, you don't know what the.
You're talking about.
Boots go up.
Yeah.
That makes, that makes no sense.
Like just say, I don't knowhow the they work.
(05:32):
But they, you know, they keepexplode on them.
I can run on air.
Like, it's just.
It's so stupid.
And then all the different.
Like, Like, I would be okay.
I think more too, because theother thing that makes me laugh is
every time a new character isintroduced, it's a new animal, human
hybrid.
And I'm like, okay, I get thelizards, dragons, whatever you want
(05:57):
to call them.
That shit's dope.
Those are cool.
They're terrifying.
Even though most of them turnout to be worthless fighters.
But it's cool.
I even like the idea of thewolf hybrid, right?
If he just didn't look sogoddamn goofy.
Like, if they could just letChanning Tatum be Channing Tatum.
Let him be bald, let him havea shaved head.
(06:18):
Don't dye his goddamn facial hair.
This weird ass.
Not natural color to try tomake it look like a wolf color.
You know what I mean?
Like, make it looking.
Yeah, it's just weird.
And they picked the wrongcolor wolf.
Like, it.
The w. It looks like they'retrying to match the coloration of
like a Mexican wolf, whichthey're gorgeous animals.
(06:42):
But it doesn't look right on a human.
Like, it just doesn't.
Like, if you had gone like,full gray and black, like, that would
have been cooler.
I'd have been, okay.
Dye his beard black.
Let his hair have some waftsof gray and silver or something.
Make him a gray wolf.
Like, that would have beenmuch better, right?
You have all sorts of coloroptions at that point.
Anyway, I was just like, what the.
(07:03):
Because he just looks goofy.
And then you have, oh, I can'tremember her name, but I love her
name even though I can'tremember it.
But, like, the little.
She's like a little mouse, Ithink, with, like, the piercings
and the big ears.
The one that's, like, captured.
Anyway, it's just like everytime I see one outside of the dragons,
I'm like, oh, God, this is goofy.
(07:25):
It just looks wrong.
And the one guy's a rat.
And I'm just like, why?
Like, what's the point?
Like, at least if you're gonnado it.
The wolves, I understand thedragon thing.
Lizards, things I understandbecause they're.
They have their place and kindof what they're designed for, but
we don't get to see.
I mean, we kind of do the ratbecause he's like this sniveling
little spy weasel dude.
(07:47):
But, like, why is she a mouse?
Or why is she.
Whatever it is, because, like,it needs to make sense.
You can't Just do it to do it.
And I think a lot of things,they were like, well, this would
be interesting, but I need toknow why.
At least I do.
And that's a me thing.
But every time I see one, Ijust start laughing and I just can't.
It's goofy.
Well, I feel like you, you canfix that with literally one line
(08:11):
of dialogue.
Yeah, right.
Or one mention of the factthat all these different kind of
hybrids that you have is justbased on characteristics.
Yeah, right.
So I mean, give that 12 lineexplanation of, you know, the.
Maybe they don't even have acategory sorting thing.
(08:31):
It's just that when you'reborn in this kind of universe or
in this alien esque typething, like based on your characteristics
that you come out.
You're a mouse, you're a rat,you're a wolf, you're a dragon, you're
a killer whale, whoever youmay be.
Yeah, I mean anything.
Yeah, you can fit it in withjust one little explanation of dialogue
(08:53):
to alleviate all this.
Because the, the problem thatI have with this movie is the potential
that is there.
And no huge world, massive potential.
And it is, you know, over inwhat, two hours, 15 minutes, where
(09:14):
it's just, you're left wanting.
Not even more, but justwanting to understand where you're
at.
Whereas if you compare it tothe Matrix, which is hard to do because
it's like lightning in abottle, but it's, it's like you get
the world piece by piece.
And this is almost.
They started at the end andyou know, just, it just, there's,
(09:38):
there's too much to try andfit into a movie and because it,
you know, I don't know forsure, but I'm guessing it didn't
do too hot the box office.
You're not gonna get any more,which is unfortunate because there's
still a lot that you could doand you know, give these storytelling
things, but you're just, itstarted too big and now I don't get
(10:00):
to know any more about theAbraxas or whatever clan going out
and devouring worlds.
Yeah, like that's a cool concept.
I love the idea behind this movie.
I love the story and it'sjust, it's just completely unrealized
for forever.
And you know, I, I, becauseI'll go back and I've watched this,
(10:22):
you know, a handful of timesand it's just every single time I'm
left, think, look at the beard.
And it's, it's kind of a sadthing because it's it's, it's background
noise a hundred percent.
And it's just a few momentswhere I kind of look over and I giggle
about this or that because,you know, it's, it's a, it's one
(10:43):
of those like reallyunfulfilling movies because I get
a glimpse of what could havebeen and I don't get it.
Yeah, it's.
It is really frustrating.
And you make a good point.
One that I didn't think about,like from the perspective of how
they did the Matrix.
Right.
And I think the more I wassitting there thinking about it while
you were talking is they didtoo much too fast.
(11:05):
To your point.
Like, I don't need to meet allthree of Braxis siblings.
Like just one.
Yeah.
In fact, like, I don't thinkwe should have left Earth until the
very end of this movie.
We.
And I can tell you right now,the other part that makes me laugh
in the worst possible way isthe whole like DMV government bounced
(11:26):
around that they're trying toget her like, rights or whatever.
Like take that away andstreamline it.
Like, make it so this guy,like somebody comes down and instead
of it being Channing Tatum'scharacter that comes down and like
saves her from the weird assalien, invisible whatever, trying
to kill her.
(11:46):
Like, have it be like somebodycomes down and this lawyer guy comes
in and like gives her herbirthright, right?
Gets through that process ofthe birthright and then they try
to kill her and then he comesin and saves her and we spend the
whole time on Earth of herlearning why am I being hunted?
(12:06):
And you know, and then we getSean being in it and they don't.
And then at the very end we goup and you meet one of the siblings,
whether it's the douchebagthat tries to marry her or the sister
that seemed to me had a ton ofpotential to be an interesting first
sibling because she was the least.
(12:26):
She seemed like she justwanted to.
She's like, I got what I got.
I don't give a.
You know, you having yourbirthright means dick all to me.
I just want my mom back.
Right?
So it's like.
And I thought that idea wascool on top of the fact that I think
it's dope ass that these guyscan like implant themselves, their
(12:47):
DNA sequence somewhere to be reborn.
And then all of a sudden get all.
And then they're just kind ofa different person.
Like that idea, you know,almost like reincarnation, forced
reincarnation versus like theHindu version, right?
Like it's it's intriguing tosay, well, I'm gonna start over.
It'll still be me.
(13:08):
And I'll have all the geneticcode so I can get all my.
But maybe I choose to dosomething completely different with
my wealth and my, you know,strength and power.
Like, it's such an intriguingconcept, but we never get to see
any of it realized becausewe're bouncing around so goddamn
much that I can't even keep upwith what's going on.
Half the time I'm like, oh,the only thing I know for sure is
(13:29):
we spend five minutes going to19 different people behind a glass
window.
Yeah.
The other thing that kind of.
Hurts.
A little bit for me is Ithink, timing on this.
So, like, when this came out,because I was just running through
Alyssa came out saying in asimilar time as like Percy Jackson.
(13:51):
Right.
And Maze Runner and Ender's Game.
And it kind of fits into thatvein a little bit of this almost
teen, you know, adventure story.
Like you can even lump HungerGames into there.
Yeah.
If you really wanted to.
And the problem is that allthese other movies, like, had the
(14:13):
backing of a book.
Yeah.
Or a well fleshed out world.
And it's almost like they,they tried to pull from these other
franchises and, and make it.
Because I was thinking aboutwhen you're talking about the beginning.
Right.
And staying on Earth, thebeginning of Jupiter Ascending and
the beginning of like, PercyJackson are almost identical in the
(14:36):
sense of what you're seeingand going and then, you know, having
your eyes open to a whole newworld type of a thing.
Yeah.
And it just, it just gets spedalong and then you can even throw
in a little bit of the MazeRunner and not in Jupiter and you
know, not knowing who you areand having to go on this journey
of self discovery.
And it's just, it's, it's.
(14:57):
It's like we talked aboutdoing too much and trying to.
Instead of just telling your.
The story that you want totell, it's like, hey, you know, let's
pull from all these othersuccessful or not successful, but
you know, fan bases that arecoming out at the same time.
Let's do our own thing andjust pull a bit from it and you know,
here we go.
(15:18):
Because I, I don't think thisis a book series, is it?
No, it's coming up.
Yeah.
So it's like there's, there'sthe potential here to really go and
create something, but it's,it's almost like, oh, we could do
that better.
Yeah.
Pull it in here.
We'll take this and we'll take this.
We'll mush it all up.
And it's got everything thatwe want for it and it just doesn't
(15:41):
land.
No at all.
You know, not even remotely.
And it's sad.
Like I said, like, it's justsuch an interesting concept.
Like I love the line where,you know, he's, and he's like humans,
you, I know you think humansare, come from Earth and they're
like, yeah, no, they came fromthis planet X billion years ago or
(16:03):
whatever and every other.
And then you learn like.
And I mean, here's the otherproblem is you're like, oh, so it's
the Matrix in space.
Because.
Right.
I mean, it's the same conceptas the Matrix, right.
You have this evil.
I guess evil is probably thewrong word.
But like you have the bad guyswhich are like this sentient level,
(16:28):
high level of being that needsentry level characters to survive.
Right.
So that it's just.
Instead of batteries, it'slong life or immortality based.
Yeah.
Based on using like turningother humans into a moisturizer.
(16:50):
They're a farm.
Yeah.
Earth is a farm once again.
Yeah.
So instead of like giant podsof human farms, you got planets that
are farms that they just wipe away.
So it's, I mean it's.
Honestly, it's the Matrix inspace, like on steroids.
But it's.
I, I like it, I like theconcept of it and like the idea behind
(17:13):
it.
I just.
To your point, I wish they hadthought it through a little bit more.
Like, because you can tellwith the Matrix the way that they
set it up, they were like,look, we don't know if we're gonna
get another movie because thisshit's wild.
We're gonna make sure it endsin a way that you know, is satisfactory.
But we can also build on it ifneed be, if it's successful.
(17:34):
And I don't think that, like,I think they knew they needed to
do something like that, butthey were like, well, let's go all
out.
And then they tried to stuffeverything into this movie and I'm
like, just keep it simple.
Stupid.
Like I, I wish more directorsand writers and would just go, let's
keep it simple.
(17:55):
Because when I think back andI go, and I look at movies that,
especially when we're doing acategory like this, right.
Like movies that are just sobad they're funny and they're not
meant to be funny.
Like almost all of them, I cansay you took your too seriously and
then you tried to do too much.
Almost all of them.
(18:15):
Like, and if you just backedup and went, what's the most simple
format in which I can tellthis story?
And let's do that.
And obviously this is nevergoing to be a simple movie.
This is huge, right?
Like, the scale, the scope,everything is massive.
But you can, you can shrink itdown to the necessary pieces that
(18:36):
you need.
Versus let's get out there andtell everything all at once so that
we can make it huge in the spectacle.
And I don't want that.
Like, I want your trilogy tobe a spectacle.
I want your first movie toleave me wanting more in a good way.
Like, this was awesome.
I want to see more instead of.
This could have been amazing.
(18:58):
Somebody else do it better?
Yeah.
Oh, wait, you already did it better.
So it's just, I.
And it's super frustrating.
And I think it started withChanning Tatum being the wrong casting
for this.
I'm with you.
Like, I would.
It would make more sense tome, especially the way that they
(19:22):
line this story up where shenever knew her father.
Right?
Like, or he was.
She was very young.
When she loses her father,make him Sean Bean.
Yeah.
This grizzled old veteran thatbecomes her father figure instead
of a weird ass love interest.
Like, because I have nointerest in their love story.
(19:43):
None.
Because it's weird and it'sstupid and I don't like him.
So if it's her and Sean Beanand it's this father figure and she's
chasing the father she didn'thave because she gets to learn about
her father and you know, thesethings that he loved in space and
it's like this realization ofwhat he wanted.
Now, now I'm intrigued.
(20:05):
Okay, Now I want to see this.
And I would even say you couldhave made like, Channing Tatum the
villain because here, let'sjust get this one out in the open.
I love, like, I think EddieRedmayne is one of the better actors
of our generation.
Like our age group.
You know What I mean?
30s, 40s.
(20:27):
He sucks in this because he'slike, again, it's like the whole
movie.
He's trying too hard.
Like this weird ass, slow,methodical, quiet voice.
And then he, like loses hisand starts screaming.
Like, I know he's trying to belike, intimidating and creepy and
it just doesn't work.
It just doesn't work.
(20:47):
But I think Channing Tatum, ormake the mitt the other brother,
the creepy one that almostgets her to marry that guy could
have been a really goodvillain because he's Likable and
yet twisted as like I was moreworried about that guy than Eddie
Redmayne's character.
Right.
Like I just everything theycast and I feel like they cast it
(21:12):
wrong to say, well, we've gotEddie Redmayne, we've got Channing
Tatum, we've got Sean Bean,we've got Mila Kunis.
This can't go wrong.
Well, you got them in thewrong parts.
Yeah.
Like move them around.
Yeah.
Because Eddie Redmayne is thecreepy ass dude that wants him to
marry her.
That would have worked.
Right.
Because he's creep.
You're like, don't marry him.
(21:33):
No, that's, no, you're do.
You can tell you're doing thatout of like obligation.
Whereas with the good lookingdude, like that's like really nice
and sweet and lying his ass off.
You're like, that might not beso bad.
Yeah.
So I tell you, like I, I keepbeating this dead horse, but, or
(21:54):
I have in episodes before, butlike Neil Patrick Harris.
Oh wow.
Put him in a role in this real.
Because I've been, I mean he'sso good.
He's been so good his entirelife, but as he's getting older now,
he's even better.
Yeah.
And so he recently, it's beena little bit since he did it, but
(22:15):
he was recently in Doctor.
Doctor who.
He played a kind of aantagonistic and it's wonderful.
And he's very good at thatkind of sadistic evil.
I mean, you know, BarneyStinson and.
Oh yeah.
It's just perfect.
And so it's, it's like he's sogood in, he'd be perfect as one of
(22:40):
these immortals who is comingout and, and he could, he could be
anyone.
So you'd be guessing he couldbe the nice one that you know is
trying to get her to marry himor it could be the absolute evil
of bone.
It would just be, it'd be funto watch because now you're guessing
that what his real motivationsare and he doesn't give anything
(23:01):
away on camera.
And so he, he would have beenlike, I, I, I love his acting and
it's just like, dude, likeeven put him in Channing Tatum's
role.
Yeah.
I think just about anybodyelse would have been perfect in Channing
Tatum's role.
But I, I have massive issueswith Channing Tatum across the board.
(23:21):
I don't think he's a great actor.
I, it's just, no, it's a mething maybe, but not a big fan.
Dude can dance his Ass off.
But acting's not his bag.
But I'm with you.
He's got people around him.
He's.
All right, sure.
And so.
But that's thing, like we'vetalked about before with other actors
(23:42):
on here is you're putting themfront and center, and then, like,
you're trying to surround himwith people that are trying to make
him better.
But he's the eye candy andhe's the face.
And.
Yeah, like, I, like.
I actually really liked him inthe jump street stuff, but that's
just because he's goofing off.
Yeah.
(24:02):
And so it's.
It's almost like he's not evenacting at that point.
He's just being Channing Tatum.
And that's where he's really.
He's gold.
And so, like, I mean, he'spopped up in a few movies where he's
just a cameo.
Yeah.
And in many cases, it's thebest part of the movie.
Oh, yeah.
There's Channing Tatum.
(24:22):
No.
No.
And so it's.
It's.
It's very hard.
Not hard to watch him in,like, such a leading role, but it
exposes his lack of range.
Yeah.
When you're trying to put himinto so much, he's.
You can't really carry a sceneas well as other people can.
(24:42):
Well.
And you're setting him up forfailure because you're setting him,
like, he's got to act againsttwo Oscar winners and an Oscar nominee
like these.
You got Eddie Ren Main andMila Kunis, who have both won Oscars.
I think Eddie Redmayne's wonmore than one.
And it's, like, surprised.
He's good.
He's great.
And I'm like, you can't sethim next to people like that and
(25:07):
not expect him to hold up.
Like, it's just not gonna work.
He works in a movie like.
Like Deadpool, because look atwhere he's acting against.
Right.
Like, yeah, let's.
Okay.
You know, it's goofy.
He works in 21 and 22 Jumpstreet or whatever.
Because, again, there's no.
But you set him next to these.
(25:28):
These phenomenal actors.
And even Sean Bean.
Like, you can't do that tosomebody and be like, you're good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, even.
I don't remember her name.
Like, I think it's Goo Goo and Bathara.
Like, the one that's thelittle mouse girl that's his, like,
captor.
Like, even she's phenomenal.
(25:48):
Like, you can't.
And he's just, like, weird.
Like, it Just doesn't work, so.
Yeah.
So unfortunate.
Yeah, it.
It really is.
And I've been trying to think,like, who could, like, if you had
to have him be the love story, right?
And, like, he's the trinityto, you know, Mila Kunis's Neo.
(26:08):
Like, what's.
Who would.
And I. I don't.
I don't know.
Like, I.
You know, actually, you knowwhat I do know.
There's so.
I can't remember his name now,but the two of them were in the.
The new Top Gun movie together.
One of them was Rooster.
Oh, Miles.
Miles Teller.
He would have been awesome inthis role, as would the guy that's
(26:32):
doing the Chad, the weirdfootball TV show.
Oh, yeah, Glenn Powell.
Glenn Powell.
He would have been amazing inthis role too.
Like, and I think they werepretty young, and I don't know, they
may have been too young in2015, but.
Like, no, because, I mean, Ithink Miles Taylor would fit because
he was doing, like, Divergent around.
Yeah, that's fair.
Diversion series and GlennPowell, I mean, he really up and
(26:54):
coming over the last coupleyears, but he's got that.
You know, he's got it.
He's got that charismatic badboy look.
Someone who would disobeyorders and get the.
Get himself in hot water,like, you know, channel Tam's character.
Yeah, well.
And I could see a girl fallingfor him.
Oh.
You know what I mean?
Like, yeah, I fall for himevery single time.
(27:16):
Seriously.
Like, yeah, I'm down.
You know what I mean?
Like, but that's the part,like, Channing Tato.
It just doesn't work.
I'm like, why would you fallfor this guy?
Like.
Like, come on, man.
Like, take him to the dogteeth cleaner.
Have a little self respect.
Yeah.
No, it's just.
It just doesn't work.
It just doesn't work.
(27:36):
But, yeah, I mean, I think.
I don't know.
I'm with you.
It's kind of like last weekwhere I feel like this movie's ripe
for a retry.
Like, and I think.
And maybe to your point, like,I don't know, maybe it needs to be.
I could see this beinganimated and being dope, like, and
not like, kids animation.
Like, for real, like, animestyle, dark.
(27:59):
You know what I mean?
Like, adult animation.
I could.
That would be cool.
I think they could pull that off.
But I think the story series.
I mean, yeah.
TV show, even, like.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I think there's.
There would.
I think it could have been successful.
I just think they tried to.
They did it wrong.
And it just didn't work.
So should we rate it?
Let's do it.
(28:22):
This is a one, dude.
Like, it's rough.
Like, it's.
It's hard to watch.
I.
And I listen there.
It works.
The theme, right?
Because I laugh, and I knowit's not supposed to be funny, but
I laugh my ass off at the smooth.
There's so many things that.
And the more serious they tryto be in this movie, the more funny
it is to me.
Like, it just.
Just doesn't work.
And it's sad to me to watchsome of the phenomenal talent that's
(28:44):
in this movie.
Just.
I'm like, oh, my God.
You have to look at this movieand go, what the was I thinking?
Oh, they paid me a lot ofmoney, and I got to work with the
Wachowskis.
That had to have been themotivation for a ton of people in
this movie, because I justdon't like.
It's just bad.
And it.
It's not what it's supposed tobe, but God damn, is it entertaining
(29:04):
from.
Let's pick this apart and redo it.
Like, how would we have done this?
Like, I love watching it forthat perspective, like, because I
think I can make this moviebetter, right?
Like, from a.
At least from a storyperspective and how we play it out
on the screen.
Look, I'm no director.
Like, I don't know how to doall that, but I could tell you what
would work better than whatyou did.
(29:25):
So I.
But it's bad.
It's a one.
That's what I'm giving it.
And I will do my best to neverwatch this movie again.
This is, like, the second timeI've ever watched it.
Because when I came out of thetheater in 2015, I was like, the.
Did I just watch?
But yeah.
So there it is.
One for me.
What about you, buddy?
I'm gonna come a little bit higher.
One and a half.
(29:46):
And that's just because I've.
I have gone back to it towatch it on occasion.
But, I mean, here's theproblem, is that it's.
And it's not even, like.
I want to say genocide, butit's not genocide.
It's like planet side planetdecide, like, should never be funny.
Yeah.
Cracking up your.
Your big bass, you know, bigbad boss battle at the end.
(30:09):
Shouldn't have me cackling orgiggling in stitches.
But I am admitst all the fireand the flames, and it's just.
It's just funny.
And so I think it's the.
Like, you said it hits itright on the head where like this,
this entire movie, none ofit's supposed to be funny.
It's supposed to be this big,you know, colossal kind of world
(30:29):
is at stake movie.
And aside from one or twolittle one liners here or there,
you shouldn't get any more humor.
And I'm quite portion of itbecause it is, it's just funny.
And you didn't have in thisone at least you didn't really have
what our last two did with areally compelling villain who's kind
(30:53):
of making it funny.
And you know, you could almostchalk that up to like an ironic funny.
This is just, it's just funnybecause it's funny falling apart
on its itself and sodefinitely fits the bill.
One and a half.
I know I will watch it again,but it's, it's not something that
(31:13):
I sit down like pay attentionto and hope that it gets better.
At this point it's just like Ineed something going on in the background.
Yeah, hilarious.
Terrible.
Glad we did it.
Yes.
It was fun to talk about.
I, I love when we talk about.
One of my favorite discussionswith us is like how would we do it
different?
You know?
Yes.
I love that.
(31:34):
We're brilliant.
2020.
Hell yeah.
We can do all that.
Sweet.
Well, tell everybody wherethey can find us when they're not
listening to us right now.
Happy to.
Like JJ said, this was weekthree of movies that are funny even
though they were neverintended to be.
So this is got one more weekleft in this month wrapping up with
(31:56):
a big one.
Best place to find us is onYouTube where you can see our smiling
faces as we giggle back andforth about funny movies that never
should have been.
But aside from that, Patreonis the best place to get what's our
Verdict Content.
We are on Patreon at what'sour Verdict Reviews.
We have up on patreon close to600 episodes of bonus content.
(32:17):
Now the bonus content isbehind a little bit of paywall, but
you get access to hours andhours of bloopers, outtakes, even
full length episodes of stuffthat we cannot put on the main channel
because it would immediatelyget us canceled.
But don't feel like you haveto pay to enjoy the Patreon perks.
We also have our votes up there.
(32:38):
So every month we put out avoting topic and I think December's
coming up here pretty soon orit's probably already passed at this
point.
But January is going to becoming up.
So get in on the voting topicsand then JJ and I have movies that
we put up so get in on thosevotes as well so you can have a little
bit of a hand in thewhatsoever to creation because these,
(32:59):
these votes matter to us.
We we are going for broke on it.
Special thanks to our currentpatrons Rich and cb.
They are the entire it's theirfault all the extra content episodes
that we couldn't put on thenew on the main channel.
So they we appreciate them butit is all their fault.
So if you do join the Patreoncheck it out.
(33:20):
We got some doozies.
But with that I'll kick itback to the wazir of wap the Maharaja
of MASH A JJ.
Yes sir.
Appreciate you Alec.
Yeah, go check us out.
A lot of fun there.
And with that as always weappreciate you tuning in.
We'll catch you on the next one.
Hasta la vista baby.
Magic.
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