December 23, 2024 • 34 mins
The podcast dives into a critical review of the animated film "The Polar Express," highlighting the disjointed storytelling and questionable animation choices that left the hosts underwhelmed. JJ expresses his skepticism about the film's ability to convey the essence of Christmas, suggesting it feels more like a commercialized product than a heartfelt story. Mattson and Alec add their insights, with Mattson particularly criticizing the film's reliance on motion capture technology, which he feels hasn't aged well, resulting in characters that appear almost robotic. The discussion also touches on the broader trend of adapting beloved children's books into feature-length films, questioning whether such efforts dilute the original messages and charm of the source material. Ultimately, the hosts agree that while "The Polar Express" has its moments, it falls short of being a memorable holiday classic, prompting them to recommend viewers seek out other, more engaging Christmas movies.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I just think this was likeRobert Zus saying, I want to make
this movie about this book.
And calling his friend TomHanks and saying, hey, can you do
like eight voices in thismovie for me?
And we'll go from there.
(00:21):
Welcome to the what's aVerdict podcast where we fashion
ourselves cinematic judge and jury.
My name is JJ Crider.
I'm here with my co host Matz.
I said better red than dead.
And Alec Burgess.
Let's get it.
We appreciate you tuning in.
Go and hit that followsubscribe like bell notification
button so you can keep up withall of our episodes.
Yeah, help us grow the podcast.
(00:41):
Go tell a friend, familymember, train conductor.
Yeah.
A bunch of crazy people andsome, you know.
No, don't tell kids about us.
That's not a good idea.
But thought we were wholesome entertainment.
J.J.
not so much.
(01:02):
Maybe not.
Maybe you are with that.
Yeah.
We're continuing on week three.
Week four.
Week four.
Geez.
Week four of December andChristmas movies.
We're kicking week four offand just running right down the the
line of Christmas with thePolar Express.
(01:25):
It was released November 10, 2004.
It was written by Chris VanAlsberg and Robert Zemeckis.
It is directed by RobertZemeckis, stars Tom Hanks, Chris
Coppola, Michael Jeter, LeslieZemeckis, Eddie Deason, Nona Gay,
Peter Scolari, Brendan Keaneand Andy Pellick.
It is about on Christmas Eve.
(01:47):
A young boy embarks on amagical adventure to the North Pole
on the Polar Express whilelearning about friendship, bravery,
and the spirit of Christmas.
That's a very generous synopsis.
Yeah.
So quick, quick trivia.
I'm curious for both of you.
How many pages is the actual book?
(02:08):
16.
Yeah.
110.
Both of your.
I mean, Alex, way closer than you.
32, but 60.
Al, you got to rememberthere's illustrations in this thing.
There you go.
It's a picture book, but.
And then how many.
Approximately how many wordsare in this book?
(02:32):
16.
I'm gonna give JJ 900.
Yeah.
Wait, wait.
JJ, way to go.
They.
According to chat GPT, I don'tknow if any.
It says somewhere between likea thousand to twelve hundred.
But this is if you.
I haven't cracked open thisbook in forever.
(02:54):
The pages that actually havetext, there's like an actual.
There's a real story to this book.
It's not just like thoselittle children's books where it's
like.
And he opened present bells.
But what the point I'm tryingto get to is how is this movie 140.
An hour and 40 minutes.
(03:15):
Like I.
If they did an hour and 20minutes still, I'm like, like, bro,
there's just so much in thismovie that just makes me want to
pull my hair out and.
And then the other thing,having just watched the last, I have
to say before I get this offmy chest, is whoever did the animation
(03:36):
creepy to me?
Like, there's times when I'mlooking like I just.
It's just the warm and fuzzy.
Like on the kids it kind oflooks fine.
But any of the elves and allthat, I'm just like, man, sometimes
you freeze framed it.
They just look creepy in their movements.
Like.
Like they took Dobby fromHarry Potter, tried to make it look
cuter.
Sometimes it worked and manytimes it's just playing it flat in
(03:57):
its face.
I'm gonna stop painting for alittle bit.
I have more complaints aboutthis movie.
My dad, Bald Eagle, Ronnie D.
Sorry to trash in your movie,but it sucks.
I've never cracked this bookand this was the first time I'd watched
this movie in its entiretybecause I can't handle the animation.
And it just never has made alot of sense to me from like.
(04:23):
Like it's just such adisjointed movie all over the place.
But I.
It's so funny story.
Like, Casey loves Christmas.
She loves Christmas movies.
Like, we watch some veryterrible during Christmas.
Like all of the Netflixgarbage and the.
Like, we watch it all.
Well, she watches it all.
(04:45):
I sit and do other things onmy phone or something, but like it's
on playing in my house.
So I was telling cases likewe're watching Christmas movies this
month.
I was like, so it's round two.
Because like the other day Iwas like, we gotta watch.
I gotta watch Polar Express.
I gotta watch cloth.
So we sit down, she goes, okay.
And I turn on Polar Express.
And like five minutes into itshe's like, I need you to watch this
(05:10):
somewhere else.
And I was like, God damn it.
So then I'm ended up.
I end up watching it in myoffice here.
And then like, I'm just like,well, this is because, like, it's
so bad.
Like, she goes, I just can'thandle the animation.
And I don't.
Like, this is weird.
What's wrong with the animation?
Talk to me about it.
(05:30):
Like, it just feels off putting.
I think it was in the, like, Idon't even know.
Like, it couldn't have beenthat first attempt at a full cgi.
I think it was the attempt totry to make it look human and cgi.
Like either you're gonna belike, you either need to do it live
action and pay the money.
(05:51):
Which you probably would havepaid less for live action than they
did in this movie.
I don't know what the budgetwas, but I bet you it was up there.
Or like make it full on animated.
Like make it cartoony butlike, I don't know, it just didn't
work.
Like it's fine in like a ToyStory thing where the humans look
goofy because it's not aboutthem, but like when it's about them.
(06:13):
Yeah, it just didn't work.
So the reason it didn't workis they used motion capture technology
and uh, but it was like in theearly era of it and panning it with
animation.
And I guess what you see iswhat you get clearly way better now.
But it's just this movie hasnot aged well because I think a lot
of it is some of the facialexpressions and things, it just like
(06:36):
isn't fully there and thenthey kind of come off like humanish
robot ish and like devoid ofemotion at times.
And some of the smiles.
That's what I remember.
Some of us was like, you looklike Alec with a knife behind his
back.
It's good stuff.
(06:56):
What about you, Alec?
What do you think of old Polar Express?
I don't think I hate it asmuch as you guys do.
But the two parts that I enjoyare probably the two parts that could
get cut because I really enjoyeverything with the Hobo fair and
then the engineers.
Like both of those parts oranything that those characters are
(07:21):
involved in.
I think it's hilarious.
The rest of it I can kind ofdo without.
I mean the Hot Chocolatesong's catchy, I like that.
But it's out of place and youknow, I think it's just they try
to do too much with a 32 pagebook to turn it into an hour and
40 minute long movie.
And what they tried to dodidn't land well or fit to where
(07:47):
the fault we got.
Yeah, I, I agree.
So I will say as J is talkingjust the hot chocolate scene, it
they actually like referencehot chocolate in Polar Express, the
book.
So that's one of the oneswhere I'm like, yeah, but they didn't
do.
A huge musical number.
(08:09):
I think it's great.
But, but that's where it makessense to me why they would have done
a musical bit to that.
Because you got, you got tostretch out like two sentences into
like a four minute bit or whatever.
It was like, I can accept that.
Where, like, the hobo, forinstance, did not exist in the book.
And then they made somethingcompletely out of left field where
(08:30):
I really don't care for hisscene so much because it just feels
completely out of touch withthe book.
But, yeah, Yeah, I think itbenefits me that I've never read
the book.
If you read the book, it'sworse because then you just are really
like.
I don't think it's worse wherethey're going.
(08:51):
I.
I just think this was likeRobert Zemeckis saying, I want to
make this movie about this book.
And calling his friend TomHanks and said, hey, can you do,
like, eight voices in thismovie for me?
And we'll go from there.
Now, what was the choice onthat as well?
I don't know.
Well, because it's Tom Hanks,and if he does, like, six voices,
(09:11):
then you only got to pay Tom Hanks.
Sure.
You know what I mean?
Like, I.
I don't know.
I.
That's what this has alwaysfelt like to me.
And it's kind of funny becauseI think the only reason that it's
as popular as it is is becauseit's got Tom Hanks in it and it's
a popular book, and so peoplejust naturally gravitate to it and
go, oh, I love the book.
(09:31):
I love the movie.
It's.
I just don't see.
I don't know.
And maybe it's because I pair.
Part of it is because I've never.
One Christmas movies havenever been, like, my favorite thing
unless they're off the walland weird and.
Or comedies, things like that.
But, like, this one just doesn't.
It just.
I don't.
(09:52):
Even at the end, like, whenyou're supposed to feel all like,
yay, Christmas.
And, like, I'm just like, meh.
I don't like it.
Like, it just didn't doanything for me.
And I think part of that, too,is it feels like the whole movie.
And I remember watching it thefirst time when I first watched,
like, the first half of itbefore, I was like, I can't do this
anymore.
(10:12):
Years ago, Like, I was like,is this a dream?
Is it not a dream?
Is this kid cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?
Like, what the is going onright now?
Like, and I think I was sodistracted, and I found myself this
way, too.
Like, I was asking those same questions.
I was like, I mean, I don't understand.
Like, I'm so distracted bytrying to figure out if this dude's
(10:34):
really on a train.
Because it's all magical.
And Santa and.
Or if he's pissed because hewent down and the cookies weren't
eaten.
And so now he, like, actuallydid fall asleep and he's dreaming
of, like, Santa and the whole thing.
Like, I'm just, like, so distracted.
And me.
I mean, that's my ADD mind.
But I was just like.
(10:55):
Then I was like, oh, wait, we're.
What the hell's going on withall these?
Like, that sounds like TomHanks again.
And I just can't focusanything in this movie.
So disjointed.
It's all over the place.
Yeah, Tom Hanks stuff throwsyour mouth in the book.
It's.
It's about.
As you see at the end, the onething this book does well is it has
a good message at the end.
(11:16):
Uh, it's.
It's the belief of Christmasand being able to hear the Chris.
The.
Like, the jingle bell andhaving that belief.
And the book hits at home.
And I will say the end of thismovie, like, as we talked about earlier
this month, Christmas moviesthat actually, like, send a message
home when they.
When the conductor's punchingthe tickets and the stupid nerd kid
(11:38):
with the glasses needs to learn.
I don't know.
I just didn't put, like, shutup on his ticket or something like
that.
I might have been best.
The girl that got lead andthen his one believe is.
Is what's in the book.
And it's like keeping thatbelief in Christmas, like, all year
round, like, in your heart.
And so I think from what.
(11:59):
I haven't read the book in awhile, but I think the reason, like,
the train appeared for him isbecause his belief was lacking.
And obviously this was ajourney to strengthen that.
But the problem with thismovie is you don't really feel that
or know that and maybe till,like, the very end.
Because, like, you're saying,Jay, there's just a hodgepodge of
things, and you're like, oh,maybe this is the message I'm supposed
(12:21):
to take away from this.
But they don't really, like,make you feel that maybe till the
end.
And they just put a bunch ofother things in front of your face
and there's like, six TomHanks characters.
And then you're just left towonder what you're watching.
Yeah, I.
I think I'm gonna have to readthe book and so that I can understand,
(12:42):
like.
Because it sounds like theytook something that actually was
pretty good and had a goodmessage and were like, let's make
it over.
Bloated and Full of thatdidn't exist in the book.
But you can't make a movieabout a 16 page book.
Well, it's the same thing withlike the Grinch movies, right?
Like they're starving forcontent and maybe some of those were
(13:02):
better done than this, butsuffers from the same issues.
Like you got very littlesubject matter to work with and then
you got to stretch it andusually doesn't work.
Yeah.
Because we already f up enoughbooks turned into large books turned
into movies that were alreadyscrewing up.
So what are we gonna do withlike a 30 page children book?
(13:24):
Yeah.
Maybe not make it into amovie, right?
Yeah, just leave it a book.
I don't know.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Yeah, but I mean, that's a.
It's a pretty strongcommentary on Hollywood in general
right now.
Like, ooh, people read this book.
Let's make a movie.
(13:45):
It's just like the.
Is going on right now.
Like, you don't have to.
It could just be a good book.
Like, I swear to God.
Yeah, but nobody knows how toread anymore.
J.J.
that's the issue.
There's.
There's a comedian, I don'tremember his name, but he's from
(14:05):
Cleveland and he makes me laugh.
Like, he's really.
He's kind of like an angrycomic type guy.
But he's like, he talks about that.
Like he was like, man, when Iwas in school.
He's like, they.
Who wants, who wants to read?
And he's like, nobody reads.
It's like, that's what you gota movie for.
Let's go watch the movie.
He's like, I was in school,like, they made us read Jaws.
(14:28):
And he's like, why would Iread the looks.
Oh, it's.
Look, you got a movie.
It's got a 50 foot mechanical shark.
It's got this actor and he'sgot like this.
And it's like awesome, intense.
He goes, the book's got pages.
What do I do with that?
Everything good's made into a movie.
(14:50):
Go watch the movie.
I was like, sure, I prefer books.
I mean the only.
I'm trying to think of.
So only two books that come tomind that like the movies were like
pretty well done.
Lord of the Rings and ReadyPlayer One.
(15:11):
Solid adaptation.
Pretty across, like pretty good.
In my opinion.
They missed out on some things.
But.
And like the Harry Potterones, like, yeah, they did fine.
But yeah, I wouldn't knowabout the Harry Potter.
I mean, these days, likewithout people writing books, like,
what is.
What does Hollywood want to do they.
They just get lazy.
Like, ah, it's a good book.
(15:31):
Let's turn into a movie.
Do we even write originalstuff anymore?
Hell no.
There's very few and evenones, like there's been some that
I was like, yeah, this is great.
It's new, it's different.
Then I was like, oh, it'sbased on a short story.
Yeah, it was.
There's a.
A Matt Damon movie.
(15:52):
And I can't think of the nameof it now.
But like, that was.
That's one.
The last one that I was like,this is great.
It's different.
It's.
We.
Oh, it's not original.
They stole it from a short story.
But I think one of the biggestproblems with all book adaptations,
in my opinion, is it's eithertoo long because they try to cover
(16:13):
everything.
Because, look, I love the Lordof the Rings movies, but when you
start throwing in like theextended editions that actually cover
all the material, good God,you're watching movies for a week.
And so it's like.
But you need that to get thedetail of that a book can provide.
Or they miss out on a bunch of.
Or you get this one wherethere's not enough content to actually
(16:37):
make a movie.
So you end up with weird asshobos and engineers that you're like,
where these guys come from?
No matter how entertainingthey might be, they still.
You like, no, what the hell'sgoing on?
So I, I don't know.
I'm just.
We've talked a lot about thisin previous episodes.
(16:58):
Like, I'm just so skepticalabout Hollywood these days.
That's why I don't.
It's unfortunate because Iused to go to movies constantly.
The pandemic ruined it for me.
Well, as we say that thoughcurrently there's three good movies
in theaters that, I mean,one's a sequel, Moana 2.
Well, two.
Another one's a sequel,Gladiator 2.
(17:20):
And then one was written as a play.
It turned into a movie.
So I guess while they're goodmovies, it's still the same problem.
Yep.
So I'm trying to think ofsomething in the, in the recesses
of my memory that was trulylike, og written for screen that
(17:40):
didn't come from something.
And like, I don't know whatthat is or what that would be.
The one that comes right offtop of my head is like the Matrix.
The original Matrix.
Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Iwas trying to say somewhat recently.
The Matrix.
Oh, yeah, Phenomenal movie.
Sure.
That's the last.
But that's what I guess I saythat to say 1999 was the last time
(18:03):
I can think of a movie thatwas relatively original.
I mean, you won't.
You don't like this directoras much as I do.
But some of the ChristopherNolan stuff, for better, for worse,
like that's fair.
He one thing besides him doingthe Dark Knight, which something
was phenomenal outside ofthat, most of his stuff is it's written
(18:25):
and didn't exist.
And you can say what you wantabout Tenet or gosh, what was it
the Oppenheimer was pulledfrom A True Story and some of his
other things.
But they're thought provokingand I think at least he's someone
that comes to mind for me ofsomething that's refreshing and different.
John Wick 4 John Wick 4.
(18:49):
John Wick was.
But it's not though.
Like, I don't know, it isn't.
It isn't like the Ochi JohnWick though.
Like, to me that feltdifferent because it opened up a
world in the criminal storythat didn't exist before.
But then they did three moreof them because Hollywood likes to
make money.
But the first one I was like,wow, I haven't.
I've seen something like this,but I also feel like I haven't so.
(19:11):
But it was a.
It was a fresh take on therevenge plot line.
But this is the problem withChristmas movies.
It's because we're trying.
You have to.
You have to hit the warm andfuzzies they have to have.
The message has been revolvedaround similar subject matter and.
And to make something thatfeels truly like refreshing and different
(19:31):
is pretty hard to do.
I will say violent night thatwe reviewed, what, like a year ago,
I quite like that that moviewas different and fun and new and
like a.
A good addition in my opinion,to the holiday classics.
What's hard is most of thesenew Christmas movies that come out
and the same thing for mostChristmas music.
Like, you're just so ingrainedto what you grew up with in your
(19:53):
childhood and it's really hardto get out of that box for the holidays.
For me, it's hard to make itinto my repertoire.
Well, let me get in my bahumbug bag real quick because look,
just like the rest ofChristmas, the movie industry and
the music industry have alljust become a commercialized show.
Charlie Brown.
(20:14):
Look, man, if you can get onNetflix and there I how many shitty
ass Hallmark movies can youmake about Christmas?
And I think they can't make anymore.
And then every Year Netflixand Hallmark come out with at least
a half a dozen to a dozen new ones.
And I'm like, how many timesare you gonna rehash the same like
the other day.
And I think I talked aboutthis a couple Christmases ago when
(20:36):
we were recording movies likethe Lindsay Lohan has made a comeback
because of shitty ass Hallmarkmovies and Christmas movies.
And she was in a Christmasmovie a couple years ago that I got
forced to watch due to one ofthe my bit la Casey's binges that
I was in the living room for.
And it all they did was takethe movie overboard, okay, and turn
(20:59):
it into a Christmas moviewhere instead of falling off a boat,
she falls down a ski hill thatshe shouldn't have been on and hits
her head on a tree and can'tremember who she is.
And I'm like, Jesus age.
Like they made this into aChristmas movie.
But it's all because peopleare obsessed with Christmas.
We love Christmas.
We get excited by Christmas.
To your point Match.
There's a lot of warm andfuzzies about Christmas.
(21:19):
So like how could we exploit Christmas?
And then I'm like, you don'teven know what Christmas is about.
Like I, I love Christmas forwhat Christmas is.
I think that's why I like themovie we're talking about.
We're going to talk about nextfor next week is like, if you, you
don't have to do anythingfancy with a Christmas movie, just
(21:41):
write something good thatmakes sense to Christmas and then
don't like this.
It's just a money grab.
I'm sorry, I don't give a whatanybody says.
Robert Smeck is some.
He was like, I love this book.
It's 32 pages.
I'm gonna make a movie becausepeople will watch it and I'm gonna
put Tom Hanks in it becausethat'll make even more people watch
(22:02):
it.
Then it'll become a classicsomehow with all my shitty ass animation
and terrible writing and we'lljust make it work.
I might have an aneurysm.
Sorry.
Commercialism and Christmas.
I hate it.
I'm with you.
(22:23):
The amount of Christmas movieswhere they just revolve it around
the presents and things.
It's like, come on people, Ican only watch so much of this crap.
And yeah, like, I hate this movie.
I think I picked this movie soI could hate on this movie because
I hate this movie so much.
But I vow to never watch thismovie again.
(22:43):
Ever.
Careful with that, Val.
Well, we've reviewed it, sowe're not.
We can't watch it on here.
So I.
I feel pretty confident about that.
I can.
I can make that happen.
That's fair.
We are no repeat podcastsuntil one day when we review old.
We are old and gray in the hair.
And we're like, there ain't nomore movies out here because Hollywood's
(23:04):
trash.
That's like next week for jj.
Yeah.
Hey, I only have a streak of.
Black left, so Jay's justholding out of the patch for our
listener that aren't on the podcast.
Check us out on YouTube to seeJJ's continuing to grayness in his
beard.
Yeah, it.
It rapidly is getting grayerand grayer.
(23:25):
It's good stuff.
I don't.
I have, like, edges of mymustache that are still brown, and
then one patch of gray.
Brown that's rapidly going away.
I started to notice thislittle streak that's in the middle
of the streak of brown.
I'm like, God damn it, Call meSanta Claus here.
Pretty soon, fat, portly, and gray.
(23:46):
Yeah.
Christmas movies.
And why does everybody gotta,like, fall in love and Christmas?
I mean, obviously not in thismovie that we're reviewing, Polar
Express, but, like, that's theother one that gets me about, like,
the Netflix and the Hallmarkis they're all like romantic comedies.
I'm like, oh, they're all.
Yeah, I hate it.
Taylor's.
Her has be lonely.
Yeah.
(24:06):
Her parents love the Hallmark stuff.
And we're literally.
There's the ones you just put on.
I swear it's.
I think it's a Paramountmovie, not a Hallmark one.
Or what's the other?
Not Hallmark.
What's the other?
Like, big movie studio thathas a TV show.
It's.
It's another.
It's not Hallmark.
It's something else.
I can't remember what it'scalled, but I swear they filmed it
(24:27):
in the same exact spot.
It's another story aboutsomeone that has an inn that they're
trying to throw a Christmasparty in.
Some guy, he's been in thetown, just like the other guy.
A girl comes home forsomething, and they end up, like,
throwing the party.
I'm like, this is literallythe same story.
This.
And I think they filmed it inthe same place because I recognized
(24:47):
the barn.
I was like, oh, my gosh.
Like, they're just literallyrepeating the same thing, and people
eat it up.
I'm like, oh, yeah, what arewe doing?
What are we doing?
As long as you already knowhow it's gonna go.
You're like, I know they'regonna fall in Love.
I know we're gonna see them kiss.
Like, what's.
What's the.
Why.
Why are we so captivated bythis Christmas?
Dude, I don't understand it.
(25:10):
We watched the shitty oneabout an.
A castle in England or.
Or Scotland.
Scotland.
I don't remember what it'scalled, but.
It had Scottish Christmas.
Oh, you've seen it?
No.
Oh, I mean, it might have been.
I don't know.
That sounds about right.
I think I had some.
I think I had Castle in thename, though.
(25:31):
But like, it was like BrookeShields and Carrie Hughes.
And I was like, wow, you're.
You know, your career is adumpster fire at this point when
this is the.
You're making.
But like, yeah, it's just likethis grumpy old bastard that lives
in a castle in Scotland thathe can't keep up with anymore.
(25:52):
And this huge novel writerthat gets canceled because of how
she ends her most recent bookhas to take like a holiday to Scotland
because she's like, got to getout of the public eye.
And then they.
I'm like, oh, my God, I couldwrite this in my sleep.
I know exactly where thismovie's going.
It was.
They're all, I hate it.
(26:16):
It goes right along with Polar Express.
It's movie.
Unless you're like, if myfreak of a partner won't watch it.
Can't believe she bailed onyou on that one.
When she's making you watchall this other crap, why you call
her out?
Because it's.
(26:36):
Dude, you know Casey wellenough to know why I don't call her
out.
I like my life.
I like my penis attached.
What.
What is your penis calledthese days?
What's Charles's handle?
Oh, yeah, the PetridgePepperidge Farm Wiener.
Wiener.
(26:57):
Yeah.
I gotta check, make sure hehasn't changed it again.
I guess changing his namelike, friggin.
It's going out of style.
I.
You know what I find funnyabout this month?
Like, we.
We get off topic quite a bit.
Yeah, I mean, we.
We kind of.
We go sideways.
But Christmas movies have beenpretty rough.
(27:18):
Like, not a lot to talk about.
Yeah.
Like, we've stretched some wefor Christmas this year.
I'm hoping the next movie willfix that problem.
But we'll see.
There's just not a lot to goover here.
Let's rate this sucker.
All right, you're first.
Get out of this.
Whoa.
Wow.
Having.
This is the first time I'vewatched this movie in its entirety
(27:41):
in a very long time.
Because I've seen bits andpieces of this, like when I was growing
up and my dad would alwayshave it on when he was on his exercise
bike in the morning, I'd comeout and make.
Why are you watching this?
Like, what are you doing?
I can't tell you.
Honestly, the last time I'veseen this all the way through and
I don't even know until thistime if I have seen it all the way
through until this last watchbecause it was so painful.
(28:04):
Man, we've seen some reallyterrible movies.
This is a really bad movie.
This movie is not something I.
It would really hurt to watchit again.
But I guess there's things outthere that maybe.
I don't know.
The more I talk about it, thismovie's so bad, I think in good conscience
I have to give it.
I try to give it a 0.25.
(28:26):
I can't do that.
So I'll give it a 0.5.
I really want to give it a 0,but I know what a 0 is, and, man,
it's so close to a 0, it's a 0.5.
That's funny.
I haven't seen Matt's in thattorn in a long time.
All right, Alec, what do you got?
Not a lot to say about this movie.
(28:46):
Like Matthew was talkingabout, I don't think it's all that
bad, but it's not somethingthat I'm like, you know what?
I'm gonna sit down and watchthe Polar Express.
So I'm gonna give it a one anda half.
Don't.
I mean, I.
I really enjoy.
We'll say enjoy the first halfof the movie.
Alec, is your rating system broken?
You just said it wasn't thatbad and you're giving it not that
(29:07):
bad movie, a 1.5.
I don't understand you.
Yeah, it's 1.5.
Two and a half is average.
Not that bad.
One and a half.
I don't know.
I guess you just.
I never feel like you're the.
All right, my listeners, I'm aman of the people just know.
Oh.
(29:27):
Man, if this movie was blackand white, we already know he would
have bumped it up by a whole point.
So, like, just disregard him.
JJ's pretty reasonable, but,Alec, I just.
Just let's.
Let's move on.
One half.
I love it.
I'm gonna give it a one.
Look, there's no substance tothis movie.
(29:49):
It was forced.
The only reason it's getting aone for me is because I'd still watch
it over a lot of the ZeroPoint Fives and like the two zeros
I've given over the 500 movies we.
Reviewed, so it's like I'dwatch as well.
That moon movie.
What's that one you hate?
Oh, Moonfall.
Ah, not me.
(30:10):
I'd watch this before I watchMoonfall because the CGI and Moonfall's
just as bad as this.
And at least this.
It's built in a world offantasy versus trying to tell me
that the earth would surviveif the moon was two feet from hitting
it.
Like, whatever.
(30:30):
Yeah, Moonfall, that movie.
But yeah, this movie's not good.
Like, it's.
There's so many otherChristmas movies.
Like, good.
Like, good, decent Christmas movies.
Go watch any number of them.
Hell, go watch some of theshitty ones on Netflix because even
those are better than this.
I mean, some are, some aren't.
(30:52):
Some are no Scottish castle.
There's many that are far.
I mean, I'd watch almost all the.
Over, like, any of theHallmark ones over this, even though
I know how they end becausethey're shorter for one, and at least
they don't make.
(31:13):
Said enough.
You'd be talking about.
I should have just said this movie.
This movie sucks.
And last thing I'll say, thatkid with the.
I.
I wish all the prizes I got.
You know what you should havegotten Cole, you dick.
Shut up.
Oh, God.
(31:34):
Matt Matson feels a certainkind of way about this movie.
I don't like it.
It's a one.
I'll never watch it again.
This is the first time I'veever watched it all the way through,
and I wish I could go back andunwatch it all the way through, but
there it is.
Yeah, Christmas week four is down.
I don't think we've really.
(31:55):
We've done any movies thatwe've been nice to this month.
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
Tune in next week because I dothink we might like that movie.
Right?
That's what.
That's what we get for.
That's what happens whenfreaking JJ's Pepperidge Farm wiener
or whatever picks extra largeYouTube large Pepperidge Farm chuckleheads
(32:19):
picks instead of mine.
Because if we picked my two,we'd have been laughing our asses
off, having a good time ratingmovies higher.
But no, gotta pick you ChuckleFox movies that you both picked up.
At least one because you hate it.
Yes.
That'S how this podcast goes.
(32:40):
Yeah, fair enough.
That's a new one.
You put that on a T shirt?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, those Chuckle.
Love it.
All right, tell everybodywhere they can find us.
Oh, happy to YouTube.
And if you don't like seeingYouTube, there's plenty of extra
content on Patreon where youcan join our lovely patrons Rich
and mel Brooks and JJ's ExtraLarge Pepperidge Farm wiener for
(33:07):
some behind the scenes context.
Some extra episodes.
Show me your genitals.
That went way off into left field.
JJ literally has an extralarge Pepperidge.
Farm wiener in his fridge genitalia.
Yeah.
What's that?
Other movie comments like showme a weed or show me a wiener or
(33:30):
what's that?
There's like a famous moviequote I can't remember.
I think that's.
I know you're talking about.
No.
So when is it In a funny voice.
Kick it back to jj.
I guess what movie that's inbecause I'll probably find some stuff
I shouldn't probably JJ'sPepperidge Farm on there.
(33:51):
Can always count on Matt for astrangely inappropriate comment.
I like it.
With that as always.
We appreciate you turning in,tuning in.
We'll catch you on the next one.
Yeah.
Go to sleep after this one.
Hasta la vista, baby.
The magic.
I just think this was likeRobert Zus saying, I want to make
this movie about this book.
And calling his friend TomHanks and saying, hey, can you do
like eight voices in thismovie for me?
And we'll go from there.
(00:21):
Welcome to the what's aVerdict podcast where we fashion
ourselves cinematic judge and jury.
My name is JJ Crider.
I'm here with my co host Matz.
I said better red than dead.
And Alec Burgess.
Let's get it.
We appreciate you tuning in.
Go and hit that followsubscribe like bell notification
button so you can keep up withall of our episodes.
Yeah, help us grow the podcast.
(00:41):
Go tell a friend, familymember, train conductor.
Yeah.
A bunch of crazy people andsome, you know.
No, don't tell kids about us.
That's not a good idea.
But thought we were wholesome entertainment.
J.J.
not so much.
(01:02):
Maybe not.
Maybe you are with that.
Yeah.
We're continuing on week three.
Week four.
Week four.
Geez.
Week four of December andChristmas movies.
We're kicking week four offand just running right down the the
line of Christmas with thePolar Express.
(01:25):
It was released November 10, 2004.
It was written by Chris VanAlsberg and Robert Zemeckis.
It is directed by RobertZemeckis, stars Tom Hanks, Chris
Coppola, Michael Jeter, LeslieZemeckis, Eddie Deason, Nona Gay,
Peter Scolari, Brendan Keaneand Andy Pellick.
It is about on Christmas Eve.
(01:47):
A young boy embarks on amagical adventure to the North Pole
on the Polar Express whilelearning about friendship, bravery,
and the spirit of Christmas.
That's a very generous synopsis.
Yeah.
So quick, quick trivia.
I'm curious for both of you.
How many pages is the actual book?
(02:08):
16.
Yeah.
110.
Both of your.
I mean, Alex, way closer than you.
32, but 60.
Al, you got to rememberthere's illustrations in this thing.
There you go.
It's a picture book, but.
And then how many.
Approximately how many wordsare in this book?
(02:32):
16.
I'm gonna give JJ 900.
Yeah.
Wait, wait.
JJ, way to go.
They.
According to chat GPT, I don'tknow if any.
It says somewhere between likea thousand to twelve hundred.
But this is if you.
I haven't cracked open thisbook in forever.
(02:54):
The pages that actually havetext, there's like an actual.
There's a real story to this book.
It's not just like thoselittle children's books where it's
like.
And he opened present bells.
But what the point I'm tryingto get to is how is this movie 140.
An hour and 40 minutes.
(03:15):
Like I.
If they did an hour and 20minutes still, I'm like, like, bro,
there's just so much in thismovie that just makes me want to
pull my hair out and.
And then the other thing,having just watched the last, I have
to say before I get this offmy chest, is whoever did the animation
(03:36):
creepy to me?
Like, there's times when I'mlooking like I just.
It's just the warm and fuzzy.
Like on the kids it kind oflooks fine.
But any of the elves and allthat, I'm just like, man, sometimes
you freeze framed it.
They just look creepy in their movements.
Like.
Like they took Dobby fromHarry Potter, tried to make it look
cuter.
Sometimes it worked and manytimes it's just playing it flat in
(03:57):
its face.
I'm gonna stop painting for alittle bit.
I have more complaints aboutthis movie.
My dad, Bald Eagle, Ronnie D.
Sorry to trash in your movie,but it sucks.
I've never cracked this bookand this was the first time I'd watched
this movie in its entiretybecause I can't handle the animation.
And it just never has made alot of sense to me from like.
(04:23):
Like it's just such adisjointed movie all over the place.
But I.
It's so funny story.
Like, Casey loves Christmas.
She loves Christmas movies.
Like, we watch some veryterrible during Christmas.
Like all of the Netflixgarbage and the.
Like, we watch it all.
Well, she watches it all.
(04:45):
I sit and do other things onmy phone or something, but like it's
on playing in my house.
So I was telling cases likewe're watching Christmas movies this
month.
I was like, so it's round two.
Because like the other day Iwas like, we gotta watch.
I gotta watch Polar Express.
I gotta watch cloth.
So we sit down, she goes, okay.
And I turn on Polar Express.
And like five minutes into itshe's like, I need you to watch this
(05:10):
somewhere else.
And I was like, God damn it.
So then I'm ended up.
I end up watching it in myoffice here.
And then like, I'm just like,well, this is because, like, it's
so bad.
Like, she goes, I just can'thandle the animation.
And I don't.
Like, this is weird.
What's wrong with the animation?
Talk to me about it.
(05:30):
Like, it just feels off putting.
I think it was in the, like, Idon't even know.
Like, it couldn't have beenthat first attempt at a full cgi.
I think it was the attempt totry to make it look human and cgi.
Like either you're gonna belike, you either need to do it live
action and pay the money.
(05:51):
Which you probably would havepaid less for live action than they
did in this movie.
I don't know what the budgetwas, but I bet you it was up there.
Or like make it full on animated.
Like make it cartoony butlike, I don't know, it just didn't
work.
Like it's fine in like a ToyStory thing where the humans look
goofy because it's not aboutthem, but like when it's about them.
(06:13):
Yeah, it just didn't work.
So the reason it didn't workis they used motion capture technology
and uh, but it was like in theearly era of it and panning it with
animation.
And I guess what you see iswhat you get clearly way better now.
But it's just this movie hasnot aged well because I think a lot
of it is some of the facialexpressions and things, it just like
(06:36):
isn't fully there and thenthey kind of come off like humanish
robot ish and like devoid ofemotion at times.
And some of the smiles.
That's what I remember.
Some of us was like, you looklike Alec with a knife behind his
back.
It's good stuff.
(06:56):
What about you, Alec?
What do you think of old Polar Express?
I don't think I hate it asmuch as you guys do.
But the two parts that I enjoyare probably the two parts that could
get cut because I really enjoyeverything with the Hobo fair and
then the engineers.
Like both of those parts oranything that those characters are
(07:21):
involved in.
I think it's hilarious.
The rest of it I can kind ofdo without.
I mean the Hot Chocolatesong's catchy, I like that.
But it's out of place and youknow, I think it's just they try
to do too much with a 32 pagebook to turn it into an hour and
40 minute long movie.
And what they tried to dodidn't land well or fit to where
(07:47):
the fault we got.
Yeah, I, I agree.
So I will say as J is talkingjust the hot chocolate scene, it
they actually like referencehot chocolate in Polar Express, the
book.
So that's one of the oneswhere I'm like, yeah, but they didn't
do.
A huge musical number.
(08:09):
I think it's great.
But, but that's where it makessense to me why they would have done
a musical bit to that.
Because you got, you got tostretch out like two sentences into
like a four minute bit or whatever.
It was like, I can accept that.
Where, like, the hobo, forinstance, did not exist in the book.
And then they made somethingcompletely out of left field where
(08:30):
I really don't care for hisscene so much because it just feels
completely out of touch withthe book.
But, yeah, Yeah, I think itbenefits me that I've never read
the book.
If you read the book, it'sworse because then you just are really
like.
I don't think it's worse wherethey're going.
(08:51):
I.
I just think this was likeRobert Zemeckis saying, I want to
make this movie about this book.
And calling his friend TomHanks and said, hey, can you do,
like, eight voices in thismovie for me?
And we'll go from there.
Now, what was the choice onthat as well?
I don't know.
Well, because it's Tom Hanks,and if he does, like, six voices,
(09:11):
then you only got to pay Tom Hanks.
Sure.
You know what I mean?
Like, I.
I don't know.
I.
That's what this has alwaysfelt like to me.
And it's kind of funny becauseI think the only reason that it's
as popular as it is is becauseit's got Tom Hanks in it and it's
a popular book, and so peoplejust naturally gravitate to it and
go, oh, I love the book.
(09:31):
I love the movie.
It's.
I just don't see.
I don't know.
And maybe it's because I pair.
Part of it is because I've never.
One Christmas movies havenever been, like, my favorite thing
unless they're off the walland weird and.
Or comedies, things like that.
But, like, this one just doesn't.
It just.
I don't.
(09:52):
Even at the end, like, whenyou're supposed to feel all like,
yay, Christmas.
And, like, I'm just like, meh.
I don't like it.
Like, it just didn't doanything for me.
And I think part of that, too,is it feels like the whole movie.
And I remember watching it thefirst time when I first watched,
like, the first half of itbefore, I was like, I can't do this
anymore.
(10:12):
Years ago, Like, I was like,is this a dream?
Is it not a dream?
Is this kid cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?
Like, what the is going onright now?
Like, and I think I was sodistracted, and I found myself this
way, too.
Like, I was asking those same questions.
I was like, I mean, I don't understand.
Like, I'm so distracted bytrying to figure out if this dude's
(10:34):
really on a train.
Because it's all magical.
And Santa and.
Or if he's pissed because hewent down and the cookies weren't
eaten.
And so now he, like, actuallydid fall asleep and he's dreaming
of, like, Santa and the whole thing.
Like, I'm just, like, so distracted.
And me.
I mean, that's my ADD mind.
But I was just like.
(10:55):
Then I was like, oh, wait, we're.
What the hell's going on withall these?
Like, that sounds like TomHanks again.
And I just can't focusanything in this movie.
So disjointed.
It's all over the place.
Yeah, Tom Hanks stuff throwsyour mouth in the book.
It's.
It's about.
As you see at the end, the onething this book does well is it has
a good message at the end.
(11:16):
Uh, it's.
It's the belief of Christmasand being able to hear the Chris.
The.
Like, the jingle bell andhaving that belief.
And the book hits at home.
And I will say the end of thismovie, like, as we talked about earlier
this month, Christmas moviesthat actually, like, send a message
home when they.
When the conductor's punchingthe tickets and the stupid nerd kid
(11:38):
with the glasses needs to learn.
I don't know.
I just didn't put, like, shutup on his ticket or something like
that.
I might have been best.
The girl that got lead andthen his one believe is.
Is what's in the book.
And it's like keeping thatbelief in Christmas, like, all year
round, like, in your heart.
And so I think from what.
(11:59):
I haven't read the book in awhile, but I think the reason, like,
the train appeared for him isbecause his belief was lacking.
And obviously this was ajourney to strengthen that.
But the problem with thismovie is you don't really feel that
or know that and maybe till,like, the very end.
Because, like, you're saying,Jay, there's just a hodgepodge of
things, and you're like, oh,maybe this is the message I'm supposed
(12:21):
to take away from this.
But they don't really, like,make you feel that maybe till the
end.
And they just put a bunch ofother things in front of your face
and there's like, six TomHanks characters.
And then you're just left towonder what you're watching.
Yeah, I.
I think I'm gonna have to readthe book and so that I can understand,
(12:42):
like.
Because it sounds like theytook something that actually was
pretty good and had a goodmessage and were like, let's make
it over.
Bloated and Full of thatdidn't exist in the book.
But you can't make a movieabout a 16 page book.
Well, it's the same thing withlike the Grinch movies, right?
Like they're starving forcontent and maybe some of those were
(13:02):
better done than this, butsuffers from the same issues.
Like you got very littlesubject matter to work with and then
you got to stretch it andusually doesn't work.
Yeah.
Because we already f up enoughbooks turned into large books turned
into movies that were alreadyscrewing up.
So what are we gonna do withlike a 30 page children book?
(13:24):
Yeah.
Maybe not make it into amovie, right?
Yeah, just leave it a book.
I don't know.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Yeah, but I mean, that's a.
It's a pretty strongcommentary on Hollywood in general
right now.
Like, ooh, people read this book.
Let's make a movie.
(13:45):
It's just like the.
Is going on right now.
Like, you don't have to.
It could just be a good book.
Like, I swear to God.
Yeah, but nobody knows how toread anymore.
J.J.
that's the issue.
There's.
There's a comedian, I don'tremember his name, but he's from
(14:05):
Cleveland and he makes me laugh.
Like, he's really.
He's kind of like an angrycomic type guy.
But he's like, he talks about that.
Like he was like, man, when Iwas in school.
He's like, they.
Who wants, who wants to read?
And he's like, nobody reads.
It's like, that's what you gota movie for.
Let's go watch the movie.
He's like, I was in school,like, they made us read Jaws.
(14:28):
And he's like, why would Iread the looks.
Oh, it's.
Look, you got a movie.
It's got a 50 foot mechanical shark.
It's got this actor and he'sgot like this.
And it's like awesome, intense.
He goes, the book's got pages.
What do I do with that?
Everything good's made into a movie.
(14:50):
Go watch the movie.
I was like, sure, I prefer books.
I mean the only.
I'm trying to think of.
So only two books that come tomind that like the movies were like
pretty well done.
Lord of the Rings and ReadyPlayer One.
(15:11):
Solid adaptation.
Pretty across, like pretty good.
In my opinion.
They missed out on some things.
But.
And like the Harry Potterones, like, yeah, they did fine.
But yeah, I wouldn't knowabout the Harry Potter.
I mean, these days, likewithout people writing books, like,
what is.
What does Hollywood want to do they.
They just get lazy.
Like, ah, it's a good book.
(15:31):
Let's turn into a movie.
Do we even write originalstuff anymore?
Hell no.
There's very few and evenones, like there's been some that
I was like, yeah, this is great.
It's new, it's different.
Then I was like, oh, it'sbased on a short story.
Yeah, it was.
There's a.
A Matt Damon movie.
(15:52):
And I can't think of the nameof it now.
But like, that was.
That's one.
The last one that I was like,this is great.
It's different.
It's.
We.
Oh, it's not original.
They stole it from a short story.
But I think one of the biggestproblems with all book adaptations,
in my opinion, is it's eithertoo long because they try to cover
(16:13):
everything.
Because, look, I love the Lordof the Rings movies, but when you
start throwing in like theextended editions that actually cover
all the material, good God,you're watching movies for a week.
And so it's like.
But you need that to get thedetail of that a book can provide.
Or they miss out on a bunch of.
Or you get this one wherethere's not enough content to actually
(16:37):
make a movie.
So you end up with weird asshobos and engineers that you're like,
where these guys come from?
No matter how entertainingthey might be, they still.
You like, no, what the hell'sgoing on?
So I, I don't know.
I'm just.
We've talked a lot about thisin previous episodes.
(16:58):
Like, I'm just so skepticalabout Hollywood these days.
That's why I don't.
It's unfortunate because Iused to go to movies constantly.
The pandemic ruined it for me.
Well, as we say that thoughcurrently there's three good movies
in theaters that, I mean,one's a sequel, Moana 2.
Well, two.
Another one's a sequel,Gladiator 2.
(17:20):
And then one was written as a play.
It turned into a movie.
So I guess while they're goodmovies, it's still the same problem.
Yep.
So I'm trying to think ofsomething in the, in the recesses
of my memory that was trulylike, og written for screen that
(17:40):
didn't come from something.
And like, I don't know whatthat is or what that would be.
The one that comes right offtop of my head is like the Matrix.
The original Matrix.
Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Iwas trying to say somewhat recently.
The Matrix.
Oh, yeah, Phenomenal movie.
Sure.
That's the last.
But that's what I guess I saythat to say 1999 was the last time
(18:03):
I can think of a movie thatwas relatively original.
I mean, you won't.
You don't like this directoras much as I do.
But some of the ChristopherNolan stuff, for better, for worse,
like that's fair.
He one thing besides him doingthe Dark Knight, which something
was phenomenal outside ofthat, most of his stuff is it's written
(18:25):
and didn't exist.
And you can say what you wantabout Tenet or gosh, what was it
the Oppenheimer was pulledfrom A True Story and some of his
other things.
But they're thought provokingand I think at least he's someone
that comes to mind for me ofsomething that's refreshing and different.
John Wick 4 John Wick 4.
(18:49):
John Wick was.
But it's not though.
Like, I don't know, it isn't.
It isn't like the Ochi JohnWick though.
Like, to me that feltdifferent because it opened up a
world in the criminal storythat didn't exist before.
But then they did three moreof them because Hollywood likes to
make money.
But the first one I was like,wow, I haven't.
I've seen something like this,but I also feel like I haven't so.
(19:11):
But it was a.
It was a fresh take on therevenge plot line.
But this is the problem withChristmas movies.
It's because we're trying.
You have to.
You have to hit the warm andfuzzies they have to have.
The message has been revolvedaround similar subject matter and.
And to make something thatfeels truly like refreshing and different
(19:31):
is pretty hard to do.
I will say violent night thatwe reviewed, what, like a year ago,
I quite like that that moviewas different and fun and new and
like a.
A good addition in my opinion,to the holiday classics.
What's hard is most of thesenew Christmas movies that come out
and the same thing for mostChristmas music.
Like, you're just so ingrainedto what you grew up with in your
(19:53):
childhood and it's really hardto get out of that box for the holidays.
For me, it's hard to make itinto my repertoire.
Well, let me get in my bahumbug bag real quick because look,
just like the rest ofChristmas, the movie industry and
the music industry have alljust become a commercialized show.
Charlie Brown.
(20:14):
Look, man, if you can get onNetflix and there I how many shitty
ass Hallmark movies can youmake about Christmas?
And I think they can't make anymore.
And then every Year Netflixand Hallmark come out with at least
a half a dozen to a dozen new ones.
And I'm like, how many timesare you gonna rehash the same like
the other day.
And I think I talked aboutthis a couple Christmases ago when
(20:36):
we were recording movies likethe Lindsay Lohan has made a comeback
because of shitty ass Hallmarkmovies and Christmas movies.
And she was in a Christmasmovie a couple years ago that I got
forced to watch due to one ofthe my bit la Casey's binges that
I was in the living room for.
And it all they did was takethe movie overboard, okay, and turn
(20:59):
it into a Christmas moviewhere instead of falling off a boat,
she falls down a ski hill thatshe shouldn't have been on and hits
her head on a tree and can'tremember who she is.
And I'm like, Jesus age.
Like they made this into aChristmas movie.
But it's all because peopleare obsessed with Christmas.
We love Christmas.
We get excited by Christmas.
To your point Match.
There's a lot of warm andfuzzies about Christmas.
(21:19):
So like how could we exploit Christmas?
And then I'm like, you don'teven know what Christmas is about.
Like I, I love Christmas forwhat Christmas is.
I think that's why I like themovie we're talking about.
We're going to talk about nextfor next week is like, if you, you
don't have to do anythingfancy with a Christmas movie, just
(21:41):
write something good thatmakes sense to Christmas and then
don't like this.
It's just a money grab.
I'm sorry, I don't give a whatanybody says.
Robert Smeck is some.
He was like, I love this book.
It's 32 pages.
I'm gonna make a movie becausepeople will watch it and I'm gonna
put Tom Hanks in it becausethat'll make even more people watch
(22:02):
it.
Then it'll become a classicsomehow with all my shitty ass animation
and terrible writing and we'lljust make it work.
I might have an aneurysm.
Sorry.
Commercialism and Christmas.
I hate it.
I'm with you.
(22:23):
The amount of Christmas movieswhere they just revolve it around
the presents and things.
It's like, come on people, Ican only watch so much of this crap.
And yeah, like, I hate this movie.
I think I picked this movie soI could hate on this movie because
I hate this movie so much.
But I vow to never watch thismovie again.
(22:43):
Ever.
Careful with that, Val.
Well, we've reviewed it, sowe're not.
We can't watch it on here.
So I.
I feel pretty confident about that.
I can.
I can make that happen.
That's fair.
We are no repeat podcastsuntil one day when we review old.
We are old and gray in the hair.
And we're like, there ain't nomore movies out here because Hollywood's
(23:04):
trash.
That's like next week for jj.
Yeah.
Hey, I only have a streak of.
Black left, so Jay's justholding out of the patch for our
listener that aren't on the podcast.
Check us out on YouTube to seeJJ's continuing to grayness in his
beard.
Yeah, it.
It rapidly is getting grayerand grayer.
(23:25):
It's good stuff.
I don't.
I have, like, edges of mymustache that are still brown, and
then one patch of gray.
Brown that's rapidly going away.
I started to notice thislittle streak that's in the middle
of the streak of brown.
I'm like, God damn it, Call meSanta Claus here.
Pretty soon, fat, portly, and gray.
(23:46):
Yeah.
Christmas movies.
And why does everybody gotta,like, fall in love and Christmas?
I mean, obviously not in thismovie that we're reviewing, Polar
Express, but, like, that's theother one that gets me about, like,
the Netflix and the Hallmarkis they're all like romantic comedies.
I'm like, oh, they're all.
Yeah, I hate it.
Taylor's.
Her has be lonely.
Yeah.
(24:06):
Her parents love the Hallmark stuff.
And we're literally.
There's the ones you just put on.
I swear it's.
I think it's a Paramountmovie, not a Hallmark one.
Or what's the other?
Not Hallmark.
What's the other?
Like, big movie studio thathas a TV show.
It's.
It's another.
It's not Hallmark.
It's something else.
I can't remember what it'scalled, but I swear they filmed it
(24:27):
in the same exact spot.
It's another story aboutsomeone that has an inn that they're
trying to throw a Christmasparty in.
Some guy, he's been in thetown, just like the other guy.
A girl comes home forsomething, and they end up, like,
throwing the party.
I'm like, this is literallythe same story.
This.
And I think they filmed it inthe same place because I recognized
(24:47):
the barn.
I was like, oh, my gosh.
Like, they're just literallyrepeating the same thing, and people
eat it up.
I'm like, oh, yeah, what arewe doing?
What are we doing?
As long as you already knowhow it's gonna go.
You're like, I know they'regonna fall in Love.
I know we're gonna see them kiss.
Like, what's.
What's the.
Why.
Why are we so captivated bythis Christmas?
Dude, I don't understand it.
(25:10):
We watched the shitty oneabout an.
A castle in England or.
Or Scotland.
Scotland.
I don't remember what it'scalled, but.
It had Scottish Christmas.
Oh, you've seen it?
No.
Oh, I mean, it might have been.
I don't know.
That sounds about right.
I think I had some.
I think I had Castle in thename, though.
(25:31):
But like, it was like BrookeShields and Carrie Hughes.
And I was like, wow, you're.
You know, your career is adumpster fire at this point when
this is the.
You're making.
But like, yeah, it's just likethis grumpy old bastard that lives
in a castle in Scotland thathe can't keep up with anymore.
(25:52):
And this huge novel writerthat gets canceled because of how
she ends her most recent bookhas to take like a holiday to Scotland
because she's like, got to getout of the public eye.
And then they.
I'm like, oh, my God, I couldwrite this in my sleep.
I know exactly where thismovie's going.
It was.
They're all, I hate it.
(26:16):
It goes right along with Polar Express.
It's movie.
Unless you're like, if myfreak of a partner won't watch it.
Can't believe she bailed onyou on that one.
When she's making you watchall this other crap, why you call
her out?
Because it's.
(26:36):
Dude, you know Casey wellenough to know why I don't call her
out.
I like my life.
I like my penis attached.
What.
What is your penis calledthese days?
What's Charles's handle?
Oh, yeah, the PetridgePepperidge Farm Wiener.
Wiener.
(26:57):
Yeah.
I gotta check, make sure hehasn't changed it again.
I guess changing his namelike, friggin.
It's going out of style.
I.
You know what I find funnyabout this month?
Like, we.
We get off topic quite a bit.
Yeah, I mean, we.
We kind of.
We go sideways.
But Christmas movies have beenpretty rough.
(27:18):
Like, not a lot to talk about.
Yeah.
Like, we've stretched some wefor Christmas this year.
I'm hoping the next movie willfix that problem.
But we'll see.
There's just not a lot to goover here.
Let's rate this sucker.
All right, you're first.
Get out of this.
Whoa.
Wow.
Having.
This is the first time I'vewatched this movie in its entirety
(27:41):
in a very long time.
Because I've seen bits andpieces of this, like when I was growing
up and my dad would alwayshave it on when he was on his exercise
bike in the morning, I'd comeout and make.
Why are you watching this?
Like, what are you doing?
I can't tell you.
Honestly, the last time I'veseen this all the way through and
I don't even know until thistime if I have seen it all the way
through until this last watchbecause it was so painful.
(28:04):
Man, we've seen some reallyterrible movies.
This is a really bad movie.
This movie is not something I.
It would really hurt to watchit again.
But I guess there's things outthere that maybe.
I don't know.
The more I talk about it, thismovie's so bad, I think in good conscience
I have to give it.
I try to give it a 0.25.
(28:26):
I can't do that.
So I'll give it a 0.5.
I really want to give it a 0,but I know what a 0 is, and, man,
it's so close to a 0, it's a 0.5.
That's funny.
I haven't seen Matt's in thattorn in a long time.
All right, Alec, what do you got?
Not a lot to say about this movie.
(28:46):
Like Matthew was talkingabout, I don't think it's all that
bad, but it's not somethingthat I'm like, you know what?
I'm gonna sit down and watchthe Polar Express.
So I'm gonna give it a one anda half.
Don't.
I mean, I.
I really enjoy.
We'll say enjoy the first halfof the movie.
Alec, is your rating system broken?
You just said it wasn't thatbad and you're giving it not that
(29:07):
bad movie, a 1.5.
I don't understand you.
Yeah, it's 1.5.
Two and a half is average.
Not that bad.
One and a half.
I don't know.
I guess you just.
I never feel like you're the.
All right, my listeners, I'm aman of the people just know.
Oh.
(29:27):
Man, if this movie was blackand white, we already know he would
have bumped it up by a whole point.
So, like, just disregard him.
JJ's pretty reasonable, but,Alec, I just.
Just let's.
Let's move on.
One half.
I love it.
I'm gonna give it a one.
Look, there's no substance tothis movie.
(29:49):
It was forced.
The only reason it's getting aone for me is because I'd still watch
it over a lot of the ZeroPoint Fives and like the two zeros
I've given over the 500 movies we.
Reviewed, so it's like I'dwatch as well.
That moon movie.
What's that one you hate?
Oh, Moonfall.
Ah, not me.
(30:10):
I'd watch this before I watchMoonfall because the CGI and Moonfall's
just as bad as this.
And at least this.
It's built in a world offantasy versus trying to tell me
that the earth would surviveif the moon was two feet from hitting
it.
Like, whatever.
(30:30):
Yeah, Moonfall, that movie.
But yeah, this movie's not good.
Like, it's.
There's so many otherChristmas movies.
Like, good.
Like, good, decent Christmas movies.
Go watch any number of them.
Hell, go watch some of theshitty ones on Netflix because even
those are better than this.
I mean, some are, some aren't.
(30:52):
Some are no Scottish castle.
There's many that are far.
I mean, I'd watch almost all the.
Over, like, any of theHallmark ones over this, even though
I know how they end becausethey're shorter for one, and at least
they don't make.
(31:13):
Said enough.
You'd be talking about.
I should have just said this movie.
This movie sucks.
And last thing I'll say, thatkid with the.
I.
I wish all the prizes I got.
You know what you should havegotten Cole, you dick.
Shut up.
Oh, God.
(31:34):
Matt Matson feels a certainkind of way about this movie.
I don't like it.
It's a one.
I'll never watch it again.
This is the first time I'veever watched it all the way through,
and I wish I could go back andunwatch it all the way through, but
there it is.
Yeah, Christmas week four is down.
I don't think we've really.
(31:55):
We've done any movies thatwe've been nice to this month.
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
Tune in next week because I dothink we might like that movie.
Right?
That's what.
That's what we get for.
That's what happens whenfreaking JJ's Pepperidge Farm wiener
or whatever picks extra largeYouTube large Pepperidge Farm chuckleheads
(32:19):
picks instead of mine.
Because if we picked my two,we'd have been laughing our asses
off, having a good time ratingmovies higher.
But no, gotta pick you ChuckleFox movies that you both picked up.
At least one because you hate it.
Yes.
That'S how this podcast goes.
(32:40):
Yeah, fair enough.
That's a new one.
You put that on a T shirt?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, those Chuckle.
Love it.
All right, tell everybodywhere they can find us.
Oh, happy to YouTube.
And if you don't like seeingYouTube, there's plenty of extra
content on Patreon where youcan join our lovely patrons Rich
and mel Brooks and JJ's ExtraLarge Pepperidge Farm wiener for
(33:07):
some behind the scenes context.
Some extra episodes.
Show me your genitals.
That went way off into left field.
JJ literally has an extralarge Pepperidge.
Farm wiener in his fridge genitalia.
Yeah.
What's that?
Other movie comments like showme a weed or show me a wiener or
(33:30):
what's that?
There's like a famous moviequote I can't remember.
I think that's.
I know you're talking about.
No.
So when is it In a funny voice.
Kick it back to jj.
I guess what movie that's inbecause I'll probably find some stuff
I shouldn't probably JJ'sPepperidge Farm on there.
(33:51):
Can always count on Matt for astrangely inappropriate comment.
I like it.
With that as always.
We appreciate you turning in,tuning in.
We'll catch you on the next one.
Yeah.
Go to sleep after this one.
Hasta la vista, baby.
The magic.
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