Anxiety Medication Strategy Session

In "Anxiety Medication Strategy Session," changing opinions on music, bouts of anxiety, recent publication in Identity Theory and Disturb the Universe, family life changes, increased mobility, and resumption of some duties. Last Old Guy Or First New Guy? Recently, I read a tweet by flea, and I was forced to reconsider: https://twitter.com/flea333/status/1774601328502898936 https://youtu.be/QEgalcH_-b4?si=q7ZD6rdC4ZhfnwbY&t=1762 Pat Matheny on German jazz critics Pat Matheny was a jazz guitarist that my stepfather really admired. For that reason, in my youth I stayed away from it. In general, I mind it less now that I am older, but I generally don't seek it out. Sometimes, a random tweet by flea will turn decades of tradition on its head, and I'll be forced to reconsider. In an interview with Rick Beato, Pat Metheny had this to say about musical invention: German jazz critics are great. They'll come right out and say the most direct thing. I had a guy say to me-- you know, not that long ago, maybe 10 years ago-- "Are you the last old guy, or are you the first new guy?" and the thing is, I bet you know what he means too, right? Yeah, of course.. I mean, for me, both. Well, I don't know, I mean, you know, it's hard to be objective about your own thing, but what I will say is that, for me, there was no option other than trying to invent stuff, yeah. Anxious feelings I had a bout of anxious feelings and panic. I reached out to my care team and spoke over video and in-person at the office with my doctor the next day. We think it could be related to switching off of nerve-pain medication post-surgery. Marinated Spicy Chicken Thighs Recipe Over at Hoppin Hot Sauce, there's a new recipe for Marinated Spicy Chicken Thighs marinated in yogurt, salt, and Hoppin Hot Sauce. "Vern" published in Identity Theory I’m happy to announce the publication of “Vern” in Identity Theory, selected by Micro Editor Vic Nogay. Many thanks to the publisher Matt Borondy. “Vern” is a 50-word story about the workplace injury sustained by my great grandfather, T. Vernon Smithson, at the cotton gin in Mount Juliet, Tennessee. Identity Theory is an online magazine of literature and culture publishing interviews, prose, poetry, art, commentary, and other inventive explorations of humanity since 2000. "Vern" published https://twitter.com/IdentityTheory/status/1783167798942023891 Reading "Vern" for Identity Theory "Hot Day" published in Disturb The Universe I’m happy to announce the publication of my eco-disaster poem, “Hot Day” in Disturb The Universe Magazine, April 23, 2024. The poem takes place in a decomposing world in thrall to “inevitable circumstances/ That can’t be avoided.” According to their website, “Disturb the Universe aims to share writing on the edge from writers strongly inhabiting their voice.” Many thanks to Editor in Chief Skaja Evens. "Hot Day" published Non-stop publication action Is disguising the inevitable sinking feeling but it has to be in there, somewhere. Domestic Emptiness For the first time since 2020, my wife is back to the office four days a week. It's probably a big change for her. She comes home bursting with stories of her new gig. She seems very stimulated, and I think that's a good thing. Our home is empty during the day for the first time since we moved from San Jose. More walking I'm in my wheelchair less and less, and walking more. This week I went to the library on my own, walking in and out from the parking lot, trying to build stamina. I went to the doctor without the chair. I use it when we go to the market, any time when I'll have to do extended walking or to carry things. Resuming Some Duties Last week, I picked up the kids from school and picked up the vegetable box - something that I haven't done more than once or twice in the past year. I made an appointment to get a hair cut in a couple weeks,

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
- Yo.
Yoyo Yoyo
Yoyo.
Yo,
- Yo yoyo

(00:22):
Yo. All right.
- Things are happening now. That's been
- Going.
- You are tuned intothe, what's the matter
with me podcast, the dad.
Podcast B, the Gone Cast,
the fishing B Cast.

(00:45):
My name is John. I'm 45 years old.
Husband, father of twosmall business owner,
radio DJ podcaster.
I have multiple sclerosistrigeminal neuralgia.
And I made this podcast toshare what I'm going through.

(01:06):
Thank you for tuning in. Yo Yoyo.
I was watching thisinterview with Pat Metheny.
I've never been too big on Pat Metheny.
My, my stepdad is into himand that was enough for me.

(01:29):
I was like, I don't like it.
But there was some goodstuff. That's true.
So from the YouTube page, Rick Bedo,
two years ago, two anda half million views.
The Pat Metheny interview.

(01:51):
The Pat Metheny interview.
It's pretty good. I'll link to it.
Um, what's the matter with me do org
and in the episode description,
but at one point, the guy Ricko,
he is a fan, he's a guitarist.

(02:12):
He's, he interviews guitarists
and he interviews PatMetheny on his YouTube
channel and,
and he asks Pat Metheny,what's the best interview
question you've ever been asked?
And he says, German, German

(02:35):
interviewers ask the best questions.
They asked the best questions.
And one time this guy asked me,
are you the last old guy
or the first new guy?
That's a good question.
You're the last old guyor the first new guy.

(02:58):
Now I'm the last newguy, the first old guy.
I'm that. I'm the very last new guy.
I've been having a hard time.
Um, I had to go to the not uh,
er, but the urgent care.

(03:19):
I had a video visit I wentwith to see the doctor.
I've been having anxietyand anxious feelings.
Like today I woke up at 5:00AM and I was just like, great.
What? Now what do I do?

(03:40):
I restocked original flavor at
Galvan's Market down the street.
Original. What? Original flavor.
Original flavor hopping. Hot sauce.
- Hopping. Hot sauce.It's the best hot sauce.
Hopping Hot sauce. It's thebest sauce in the world.

(04:03):
The world I'm telling you.
- Check it out. Hopping hotsauce is available on Amazon.
I've been kind of grillgrilling, getting ready.
You know it's going tobe summer before too long
and I'm always trying to getlike the perfect marinate.

(04:28):
And one thing I always love is to
marinate chicken thighs because marinating
and grilling is an easy way to deal
with your protein
and it doesn't involve alot of fancy technique.
You just dump the stuff in the marinate

(04:49):
and then take it out and grill it.
Marinated spicy chicken thighs recipe
vanish old man winter for another year.
Stir and awaken for springtime is upon us.
It's going to be grillingseason in no time.

(05:11):
And there's no better wayto warm up the grill than
with this delicious recipe for
marinated spicy chickenthighs soaked in yogurt,
salt and hopping hot sauce.
They deliver maximalflavor with minimal effort.

(05:33):
Serve alongside butter, new potatoes
and green salad for asolid weeknight meal.
Marinated spicy chicken thighs.
Eight boneless skinlesschicken thighs, half cup
plain yogurt, twoteaspoon salt or to taste

(05:57):
and a quarter cup ofhopping the hot sauce.
Assemble the marinate in asmall bowl mixed together.
Yogurt, hot sauce and salt.
Place the chicken thighs inthe non-reactive container.
Add marinate mix.
Well cover and refrigerate for three hours

(06:20):
or up to overnight.
Before grilling Patthighs with a paper towel
the chicken thighs pat with a paper towel
to remove excess marinateand improve browning.
Preheat the barbecue to medium high heat,
clean and oil.

(06:41):
The Grate Grill chicken
directly overheat for 10 minutes.
Turning every few minutes
until well browned and crispy.
Transfer chicken to a warm flatter.
Serve with hopping hot sauce on the side.
Marinated spicy chickenthighs. Check it out.

(07:04):
It's up on hopping hot sauce.com.
Are you the last old guy or first new guy
or last new guy or first old guy?
So, so the guy didn't askthat, but he could have.
It's in there somehow.
Last week I cooked a roasted Golden Beets

(07:29):
in tinfoil about an hour
and a half at 3 25.
And then I just turned off theoven and let them in there.
It's good to be back inthe kitchen again doing
stuff with the chicken thighs.
The beets made gooddinner, so it's been good

(07:52):
to make something.
And something else I made was some poetry.
I got published inIdentity, identity Theory
and Disturbed the Universe.
So last time I was on
Instant Noodles had just published my

(08:15):
50 word story.
Cyber Truck, dental, SDRL.
It was the first timeI'd ever been published
and now I've been published again
and again at Identity Theory
and Disturb the Universe

(08:38):
Identity Theory.
Published Vern about my great-grandfather
and Disturbed the Universe.
Published Hot Day, which is kind of an eco
disaster poem like theyused to have in the nineties
where they had like ecological,like the earth is going

(09:00):
to be taken over by aliens
or struck by a meteor or something.
It's like one of thosemeteor kind of poems.
So that was good last week publication
and getting published the action with it

(09:21):
is kind of distancing me from
and disguising the inevitable feeling,
the horrible sinking feelingthat nothing has changed.
It ha it's from art.
Having an art show
after the art show, youhave a sinking feeling.
And it's the same after publication.

(09:44):
My wife is back into theoffice four days a week
and I bet it's like a huge change for her.
I could tell she's like very stimulated.
She has a lot, a lot goingon upstairs right now.
Like very, very thought out.

(10:05):
A answers to like, what didyou do today? Very thought out.
It's good. I think it's good for her.
So I'm a published poet. Mywife is back in the office.
The home is empty during the day
for the first time since we moved
to San Leandro from SanJose that whole time.

(10:28):
My wife has been hereworking pretty much every day
of Monday through Friday
and taking a day hereand there in the office.
Now it's like the reverse.
She'll have some time out of the office,
but mostly she's in the office.

(10:49):
I think it's good for her.
I'm in my wheelchairless and less walking.
More and more I'll use the chair like
if we go to the market.
But I've been going to the doctor's office
and to the library

(11:10):
and to the meat store
to Galvan's market where theyalso sell hopping hot sauce.
And so I've been doing a little bit more.
I've been cooking last night.
It was all about grilling last time,
but I'm out of the chair more often,

(11:32):
trying to walk more.
Last week I picked upthe kids from the school
and I got the box with them.
We get like a farm box every week,
gets delivered to thishouse right by their school.
So we get the box there

(11:53):
and it's something I haven't done
by myself more than like onceor twice in the past year.
So that's like big changes.
There's stuff incomingto me, like a lot of
consumer goods I guess.
We, for the office in here, we,

(12:16):
we ordered a neater sofa
'cause we have this idea that we can
get a fold out sofa inhere and have an arm chair
and then there's a brokenlamp in the living room
and we got a replacement for it.

(12:36):
It's like a hanging pendant lamp for
above the piano.
So definitely the biggest changes
going on right now arelike, I've come off of
gabapentin and tegratal completely

(13:00):
gabapentin and carbamazepine.
And then the generic is neurotin
and tegratal.
I've come off that, thosetwo drugs completely.
And I was on a lot.
It was giving me a lotof balance problems.
I like kept breaking myglasses over and over and over.

(13:23):
I broke my glasses probably three times
and I went back to Costco andjust bought a pair of frames
and I was like, can youguys just put these frame,
these lenses in those new frames?
'cause I trashed these.That got it done in a pinch.

(13:44):
But now I've got new glasses
and knock on wood, Ihaven't fall fallen over
on, smashed them.
But I think I'm a lot morestable right now to go
to the library by myself to drive there.
Parking front, walk inside

(14:06):
and it's like a community center.
And then you walk in there
and through that into the library
and go sit down in the library.
It's kind of a jaunt, you know,
it's more than I've been doing.
So there's things changing.

(14:26):
More mobile, getting around.
Last week it was my birthday on Friday
and we went out.
Well, I didn't do anythingon Friday, nothing at all.
We went out to a pizzarestaurant in Berkeley,

(14:46):
uh, pizzeria Delo.
It was good. Um, downtownBerkeley, it's easy
to park if you're a disabled person.
I parked right across like Cat Corner.
It was very easy just acrossthe street and I was in there.
Everything was accessible.

(15:08):
It was easy to get to the bathroom.
And so, and the food was pretty good.
It was kind of pizza, salad, pasta,
te misu for dessert.
Then we left there
and went to the Hot Sea T Sea
and Albany.

(15:30):
'cause my, the reason why itwas on my mind is my cousin was
like, they have a bunch offunny name bar bars in Oakland.
And I remember he mentioned the hot Totsy.
And I was like, oh yeah.
So I read though
because I was trying to figureout where to get a cocktail

(15:50):
in the East Bay and I read,they were like the Hotsy totsy.
And I thought, oh good,it's been around a long time
since 1939.
And I didn't thinking, I was just like,
oh wow, it's been around.
So we got there and the bar

(16:11):
has like a cement pouredoutside the door so
that you, you know,
it's like you couldtheoretically roll into it.
And I, I think I did actually do that.
But once you were inthe bar, the front room
where the tables

(16:32):
and the bar were, thenthere was like a big step up
into the back room where the bathroom was.
And I was like, oh no.
And then 1939, didn't think about it.
That was before things were accessible.

(16:53):
So the hot seat totie is not accessible.
I got into like a little bitchy fight
with my wife about thedirections I was being a jerk.
And that was worse thanthe inaccessibility,
but don't go to the hot seat.

(17:13):
Totie looking for it to be accessible.
It's from 1939. So that was on Saturday.
We got a babysitter for that. It was cool.
And then on Sunday wewent to my parents' house
and I was like, make me abarbecue for my birthday.
And they made me somebaked chicken, chicken

(17:36):
and rice casserole.
And I was like, okay.
And, but I got such bad indigestion.
You ever get like gas whereyou think you're gonna die?
You know, I couldn't likeburp, I couldn't like get out,
couldn't burp, couldn't fart out.

(17:57):
And I was up all night.
I woke up like 12 30, 1 33, 35, 30.
So really disturbed sleep.
And the next day I waslike really anxious.
It was hard to like sit down,you know, as I tell you this,

(18:17):
I'm trying to focus ontelling you the facts
of it rather than gettingswept up in the anxiety of it.
But I think a lot of things were going on.
I, I went, I spoke
to an urgent care therapist over Zoom
and that was good actually

(18:38):
because it gave me some strategies.
It was a good idea. I didn'twant to go to like the ER
and be in there all day.
And I was home alone.
My wife was, was at work
and I was like, how am I going to do this?
I struggled to eat lunch
and I ate like a couple of the

(19:01):
leftover pizza slices.
It was like a quarter of a New York style,
12 inch pizza.
So it was a small pizza,it was a four inch pizza,
not a lot of food.
And I really jammed it downthere like it was hard to eat

(19:22):
and I, I was because it, itwas like I have to breathe.
How am I going to eat? Howam I gonna drink this food
without choking to death?
I was having anxiety andI talked to the therapist
and she was like, you've comeoff of all these medications.
My back was really hurting

(19:43):
and that was definitely,definitely contributing
to the anxiety that I was feeling.
And she was like, you know, Gabapentin,
the medicine you just came off of
has an off label doc.
Some doctors prescribe it for anxiety

(20:06):
and even in other cases some doctors
prescribe it for back pain.
And so I'm having anxiety and back pain
and I'm like, theremight be an issue here,
but I didn't want to be on gabapentin.
So in this video visit,the lady gave me a bunch

(20:28):
of resources,
some information aboutusing a cold patch, uh,
when there was like feelings of panic
and anxiety using a coldpatch on your forehead
or on your chest can like calm that.
And so I like that ideathat you could affect

(20:50):
this thing that by treating it,
treating your body, youcan treat the symptoms
and affect them.
So that allows me to get a little remove
and a little bit, okay, I can get, get
around these anxious feelings.

(21:11):
I went the next day to meet the
doctor in person
and to develop a, astrategy for what to do
with the medication.
Eventually we decided
that I'm already onsome medication that is,

(21:32):
has an anti-anxiety effect,
but I'm on so low of a dosage
that we increased my dosage.
And I hope that as I can come up with
that I can keep theseanxious feelings at bay.
I hope my back won't hurt me too bad
and that I can feel morecomfort, comfortable eating

(21:56):
and drinking and sleepingwhen I wake up in
the morning part.
It's hard for me to stay down today,
this morning about 5:00 AM I awoke
and I felt a lot of an anxiety
and I went outside and I sat out there

(22:16):
and I listened to like the birds
and the frogs
and the sounds of nature as it was just
the dawn was just happening.
And I listened to all these, these animals
and I realized that Ilike, I felt like I'm part

(22:39):
of all this.
Like this is a big, you know, so I
realized something biggerthan myself that I could kind
of fold myself into.
And that worked to make me feel happier.
And I came back to bed, I went inside

(22:59):
and came back to bed andI woke up for about seven.
I made it within 10 minutes of my alarm.
Are you the last old guy or first new guy
or first old guy
or last new guy?
You're gonna have to checkout that Pat Memini interview.

(23:22):
A headache, anxiety, anxious feelings.
I increased an anti-anxiety
medication that I'm on.
Original flavors atGalvan's, also on Amazon.
Marinated yogurt, grilled chicken thighs.
I'll put the link.

(23:43):
Cooking roasting Golden beets
published again and again.
That feeling has to be in there somewhere.
My wife is back in the office.
Our home is empty during the day.
I'm out of the wheelchair more
and more I pick up the kidsfrom school, I get the box.

(24:07):
I'm out in the world again
and stuff is coming here incoming.
So come visit me, stay in the guest room.
We have this fold outsofa deal and arm chair
and uh, probably the best
place you'll ever stay.

(24:28):
Probably the best thatanyone's ever stayed.
Where anyone will stay
or is staying right now.
Thank you for tuning intothe, what's the matter
with me podcast.
Who do you think's gonnawin the NBA playoffs?
Who's gonna win the finals?

(24:50):
Do you think it's going to be the Celtics?
Do you think it's going to be Denver?
Do you think it's gonnabe the Timber Wolves?
We'll see, it's not goingto be the Knicks or Philly.
Forget it. No way. We'll see. We'll see.
Thank you for tuning into the,

(25:11):
what's the Matter with me podcast.
I'll check you next time.