September 22, 2024 • 40 mins
Welcome to the first episode of the When Grief Comes Home podcast. We're glad you're here. This podcast supports parents who are grieving a spouse, partner, or child while helping their children who are living through the loss of a parent or sibling. With personal grief stories and professional guidance, we offer parents practical tips for parenting while integrating their own grief.
We are launching this first episode with our host, Brad Quillen, who will be interviewing the founding Executive Director of Jessica's House, Erin Nelson. In this first segment, Erin shares her story of how she first entered the grief world when her husband and mom died when her children were young.
This first podcast introduces how Erin, Brad, and Colleen first met, how they became colleagues, and how Jessica’s House began.
Colleen and Erin introduce their new book When Grief Comes Home and talk about how long it takes to bring a book into the world.
Update: In this episode, Erin and Colleen reflect on how a book takes as long to be born into the world as a baby elephant. They mistakenly said that the gestational period for a mama elephant is three years, when it’s actually 18-22 months. They admit that they need to brush up on their animal facts and promise to stay in their lane of grief support.
Please subscribe to the When Grief Comes Home podcast and kindly leave us a review. The more stars, words, and downloads the show receives, the more parents and families in grief can find support.
Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L
For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Gary Shriver (00:00):
Hello and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a
podcast dedicated to parentsliving through loss while
supporting their child.
Let's meet the team.
Erin Nelson (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding Executive Director at
Jessica's House.
Colleen Montague (00:15):
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, Program
Director for Jessica's House anda Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist.
Brad Quillen (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When
Grief Comes Home.
Now, through this podcast,they'll share grief resources
and coping skills, heartfeltstories and insights to support
parents as they raise childrenwho are grieving.
Together you'll find strengthas we learn to live with loss
(00:42):
and find ways to heal.
Welcome to When Grief Comes Home.
We're glad you're here as wekick off our very first podcast
episode from Jessica's House,and today I'm joined by Erin
Nelson, our founding ExecutiveDirector of Jessica's House.
Erin and I first met many yearsago.
Over two decades ago, I was ayouth pastor at the church she
(01:03):
was attending.
But, Erin, that kind of leadsus into a little before that
season, you entered into thegrief world and would you share
how that happened for you?
Erin Nelson (01:15):
Yes, Brad, when my children were young, we entered
the grief world so unexpectedlyand I was married to my husband,
Tyler, for seven years, andthen one day we went over to
Monterey to visit his parentsand we were, we were there and
in the middle of the night wegot a phone call and that phone
(01:38):
call was from Tyler's brother,Gary, who told us that Tyler had
been in a midair collision andso his plane collided with
another plane and there were nosurvivors.
And so he called us and let usknow.
And at that time, you know Ihad never had any other loss in
my life and it was such a shockto just pick up the phone.
(02:05):
My daughter was by my side whenI picked up the phone and his
parents were there and we alltalked to his brother and we
learned about his death.
And it was just one of thosemoments that kind of time stands
still and you don't reallybelieve what you heard and you
(02:27):
just keep asking like what, likewhat happened?
And you know, you just ask alot of questions and you have a
lot of just there's so manyunknowns and so we just packed
up.
You know, we packed our things,I pulled my three-year-old Cody
out of bed and I'll neverforget, just like, kind of like
(02:48):
stuffing him into his 49erjacket and buckling him into his
car seat because Monterery isabout two hours away from home
for us.
So we drove home and I thinkyou know, when I think about
that morning of just drivinghome, I think about just like as
we got onto just the main roadsand I'm like how is everybody
(03:10):
driving to work?
Like how was the world stillspinning?
Wondering like, how was lifegoing on?
How was the world spinning?
How was the sun coming up?
Like you just wonder like, howdid this huge thing happen?
And everyone's just goingaround as if, like their lives
haven't been changed.
Brad Quillen (03:30):
Normal was still going on, but for you it was
completely changed.
Erin Nelson (03:34):
It was completely changed, absolutely.
Brad Quillen (03:38):
And you have a five and three year old that you
put in the car and you drivehome.
Again, like you said, about twohours away.
What was even getting home likefor you that morning?
Erin Nelson (03:50):
You know, it's interesting.
I think back and I kind of hada sense that we were like kind
of floating down the road.
I remember, you know, in theMonterey California area there's
like a lot of farmland andthere's just this rich soil and
I remember looking over thefarmland and just noticing the
sunrise and just, just feelinglike I don't know, just like I
(04:15):
was driving and I couldn't evenbelieve that I could drive and I
could still function and justdriving the kids home to where
our family would be.
Brad Quillen (04:26):
Right.
That morning you have aconversation with your
three-year-old, Cody, about whathad happened.
Can you share a bit about thatand how that took place?
Erin Nelson (04:40):
Yeah, because he was asleep, we just let him just
be in the car seat as we drovehome.
And when I got home there wereso many people just like lining
my sidewalk and just welcomingwith open arms.
Just the news had really kindof like spread and I was
surprised they were there.
And you know, just we were alljust trying to, like, you know,
just settle into what happenedand I remember just thinking, oh
(05:04):
, my goodness, goodness, like Ihaven't even talked to Cody yet,
like he has no idea why allthese people are here.
So I just took his hand andwalked him outside and Tyler had
built him a sandbox just abouta year before, and so we went
out and just talked to him and Iremember just saying, "Hey, I
(05:24):
need to talk to you, I need totell you that something really
bad happened.
And I told him that you know,your daddy was in an accident
and his body was really hurt andyou know, and his body was so
hurt that he died.
And he had two like little carsthat he was playing with in the
(05:48):
sandbox and we were just kind ofsitting side by side, kind of
just playing in the sand, and hestarted just kind of crashing
them together, a little bit likeasking me well, what was it
like?
Was it like this or was it likethat?
Because I told him that hisplane had crashed with another
plane and kind of talked to himabout like how you know, in
Alaska it's kind of like howthey drive, and so there's, you
(06:11):
know, planes flying in the sky,but that's just like you know,
cars drive on the road and wherewe live.
And so he yeah, he was justkind of trying to make sense of
it and I remember just likebeing in that moment just
watching him process that.
Brad Quillen (06:39):
And I know some folks that are listening right
now have questions and some ofthose things we're going to
cover in podcasts to come.
But I know some of them mightbe thinking of did you ever
imagine or think about theaccident, and were there images
or thoughts that you had of howthat happened that played
through your mind?
Erin Nelson (06:54):
Yeah, that surprised me.
It surprised me that my brainwas trying to kind of figure out
what really happened and I didhave those images in my mind of
the accident.
Even though I wasn't there, Iimagined what happened, and so
that was kind of a worry for mebecause it kept going on and
(07:17):
that was my first time everexperiencing anything like that,
and so I wondered how thosewould would resolve.
And they did over time.
Brad Quillen (07:27):
Over time.
Yeah, and I know in futureepisodes we'll be sharing about
how do your, how do you tellyour kiddos, and even what are
the things your kiddos need inthose first few days after, and
what do we need as as grieversas well, in those first few days
and that will be coming.
Erin, that was in the summer of95 and not long after that your
(07:50):
mom died and so she died fromsuicide.
Erin Nelson (07:54):
Yeah, my mom had lived with bipolar just all of
my life.
I remember her cycling throughsome bipolar episodes of
depression and mania and, yeah,she had previously had a couple
of attempts of suicide and soand she did die of suicide and
(08:17):
at that time my sister wasfifteen and we brought her, I
brought her with us, and so shebegan to live with us and so I
just, you know, having my twoyounger kids and then also a
teenager, and just I learned alot about just kind of like
living with grief and trauma andalso like kind of wondering
(08:41):
like how we could find support.
I really was looking forsupport for all of us, but we
didn't have anything in our areaat that time.
Brad Quillen (08:50):
Because you have fifteen, five and three year
olds living in your home thatare experiencing grief, and you
as well.
Erin Nelson (08:57):
Right, there was a lot to just experience and, yeah
, I had to really do a lot ofintentional healing and I've
been really grateful at thattime.
I had a lot of support, justnatural support around me and
just like as you and I and Iknow you mentioned how we met at
(09:18):
church and our church communitywas really strong and so I was
really grateful to be surroundedby them.
But I think we all needed someextra support of somebody who
really understood just thereactions of trauma and grief
and some just kind ofnormalizing some of what we were
going through and even justhaving others for my sister and
(09:42):
also my younger kids that couldjust understand and so that they
didn't feel quite so alone inthat.
Brad Quillen (09:50):
Yeah, and some of the resources we find show up
and are there in the first placeweeks and days, but we need
that longer support and one ofthose things that wasn't in our
community was that long-termcomponent.
Erin Nelson (10:05):
Right, just kind of that.
Yeah, ongoing support that youneed and just in the fragility
of grief, like when you havelosses and you, you can just
feel so fragile and it reallyjust changes everything and to
have someone else that's gonethrough it and to hold hope for
you, or and also just havingcoping skills, and I was just
(10:28):
really looking for that.
Brad Quillen (10:30):
Yeah, and I've heard, I've heard families say
that they're looking for hope insomeone else.
That's a little further downthe road.
Yeah, to be able to see thosethings in their community.
Erin Nelson (10:40):
It's so true, I had a very just a kind of an
experience that was just alittle one, but it really did
help me a lot and it actuallygave me a little taste of, I
think, what I was looking for.
And I remember there was awoman who came after Tyler died
and for the grave marker we weretrying to choose his grave
(11:02):
marker and she came to my homeand sat at my kitchen table and
we just she had like a binder ofthese pictures and like wording
options and I'll never forgetjust she mentioned just really
casually that her husband haddied a few years before.
And I remember just like kind ofputting the binder down for a
minute and just looking at herand just thinking, okay, here
(11:25):
she is, she's breathing you knowshe's smiling, she's working,
she's, you know, interacting,and I just thought, okay, like
my life's not over, like I cankeep going and keep living and
keep finding meaning, and so,yeah, it just made me think
(11:48):
she's a little bit older than meat the time, but I just thought
it would be really neat to meetsomebody else who's gone
through this.
Brad Quillen (11:55):
Right, if she can do it, I can do it.
Erin Nelson (11:58):
Yeah, absolutely.
Brad Quillen (11:59):
Or I can get there , I can see that coming in the
future.
Erin, I know that in all ofthat season there was a lot
going on, but one of the thingsthat you've talked about is a
verse out of the Bible thatyou've fallen back on in that
season, and would you share thatwith us?
Erin Nelson (12:18):
Yeah, and I just think you know, during that time
, you know, my faith was soimportant to me and I remember,
you know, it took a long time toeven sleep with the light off.
You know, I mean just like thekids slept with me and I just
would have the light on.
And you know, I the Bible wasreally important to me.
So I even slept with my Bible,like kind of close, and I would
(12:40):
read it in the night.
And there was a verse that Ihad never read before that I
came across.
It comes from secondCorinthians and it said, you
know, that God comforts us andall of our troubles like and so
that we could someday comfortsomeone else.
And I remember when I read thatverse and I thought, you know,
(13:01):
that really means a lot to me,like I hope that as I heal, that
someday I'll be able to comfortsomeone with this comfort that
I really did receive, I feltlike it was palpable, it got me
through the night, you know, itgot me through my nights and
days and there was like apresence that was there, um,
(13:23):
that was healing and, um, I justit was really important to me
and so that was something that Ireally held onto and I had just
this little spark of hope thatsomeday I could help someone
else.
Brad Quillen (13:36):
That's gone through something similar or has
kids that that get this similarphone call or notification.
Erin Nelson (13:43):
Yeah, truly.
And I remember like even like ayear, maybe a couple of years,
after we had a death in ourchurch and just thinking
somebody had done somethingsuper practical.
It was a neighbor who likebrought just she showed up at my
front door after Tyler died andshe just had this just bags of
toilet paper and it was just sosimple.
But I had like so many extrapeople in my house and it was
(14:07):
super helpful, right.
And I just remember like evenjust learning about how others
supported me and hoping that Icould go and support other
people in just those practicalways.
Brad Quillen (14:18):
Yeah, and that it's interesting you say that
because down the road in thatseason of life kind of starts an
idea of doing ministry to thosethat are grieving.
Erin Nelson (14:33):
Yeah.
Brad Quillen (14:34):
And that started in the church that you and I
both were at that churchministry of crisis care and
helping folks that are walkingthrough that, and that's a
number of years down the roadand that sparked out of that
night almost of reading thatsecond Corinthians passage, of
being able to use that down theroad.
Can you share a little bitabout just those first early
(14:54):
days of the church ministry?
Erin Nelson (14:56):
Yeah, definitely I.
That verse kind of like rolledinto another time where I heard
a woman whose husband had diedin a plane crash and she had
written a book through Focus onthe Family, and it was something
that I, when I listened to herspeak, I was thinking.
It kind of seemed like I hope Ican help someone else someday.
(15:19):
And I talked to our pastor.
I'll never forget just sayingto him at the back of the church
one day like, "ey, I was justthinking, you know, I'd love to
help other people who are ingrief.
" and he said, oh, like yes, ofcourse, and like he said I bless
you in that.
And so I remember just kind oflooking at other ministries
(15:45):
around the United States, justyou know, that had practical
care teams and so we would justsend notes to people and do help
them with their funeral.
We would follow families for acouple of years with
encouragement and you know, forwidows, like we could just
change their light bulbs or comehelp them with their lawn, or
like clean or just you know,encouraging words, meeting with
(16:07):
them, helping them with theirkids and just really practically
just coming alongside.
And I know, as you and Istarted going and doing ministry
like that together, we realizedthat, oh man, the need was so
much bigger than we everimagined.
And so being able to identifythat, wow, we could be doing
(16:30):
this all the time and the needwould not end.
Because we became kind of knownfor that right, right and a
church that would really followa family and nurture them and
come alongside them in theirgrief.
And at the same time I was kindof going back to school and
going through a program fortrauma and children and also for
(16:53):
loss and bereavement, and so Iwas kind of studying on my own
and developing some practicaland also just educational kind
of knowledge about trauma andhow it affects children and
families.
Brad Quillen (17:08):
And I would just say, even in those church
ministry days of getting phonecalls from outside of our church
, from community, folks ordifferent deaths that happened
that we were asked to helpresource, or different deaths
that happened that we were askedto help resource.
It was very practical, even inthose days of, just like you
were saying, I don't know howmany lawns we mowed or
(17:32):
babysitting things we puttogether and the cards that went
out, like you said, for monthsand years afterwards to those
families and those people helpedfoster the reality of there is
a huge need.
Erin Nelson (17:41):
Yeah, there's a big need.
Brad Quillen (17:43):
And after the break, we're going to talk about
even that need growing and howthat grew to be Jessica's House.
Today we're going to talk abouthow that started, all after the
break.
Gary Shriver (17:56):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
Jessica's House provides freepeer support for children, teens
, young adults and theirfamilies grieving a loss.
If you need grief-relatedsupport, please visit
jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
(18:18):
Jessica's House on social media.
And if you have any questionsor topics you'd like us to
explore in a future episode,just send us an email at info at
jessicashouse.
org.
Brad Quillen (18:31):
Well, welcome back to When Grief Comes Home.
As we ended earlier going intobreak, we were sharing about
Erin's desire to bring hope toothers from what she's gone
through.
Erin, would you share a littlebit about how Jessica's house
got started back back in 2012?
Erin Nelson (18:51):
Yes, Brad, I, as we kind of talked about, I, just
Colorado that desire to, youknow, help other people and we
started that ministry and we sawthat the need was so much
bigger than we could do in thechurch ministry.
And I learned about a modelwhile I was in Colorado doing
some classes for a grief andbereavement program and I heard
(19:12):
about a model called the DougyCenter.
It's in Portland, Oregon.
They were the very firstchildren's bereavement center in
the United States.
When I heard about their model,I just thought, oh my goodness,
this is exactly what I've beenlooking for, and it just was so
exciting to hear about them.
(19:32):
And Dr.
Alan Wolfelt shared the modelwith me from the Fort Collins,
Colorado area.
When I learned about it Icalled the director at that time
, Dr.
Donna Sherman, and we had aphone conversation and just
talked about how could wepractically bring that program
to our area, the Turlock CentralValley area in California.
(19:57):
And so I started just kind ofthinking about that and starting
a nonprofit of my own and withothers who also had losses.
And we had Mike Everett and hewas Jessica's dad and I talked
(20:18):
to him about the need for griefsupport and after his daughter,
Jessica died, he was looking forsupport for his son Mitchell,
just like I was looking forsupport for my kids, and so we
had a conversation about that,and so we were moving forward on
starting a nonprofit.
Brad Quillen (20:39):
Jessica's House opened in 2012, but there was a
lot that went into that before.
Can you share a little bitabout just some of that history?
.
Erin Nelson (20:48):
Yes, and so what happened was, as we started
pursuing starting a nonprofit,our local hospital came in to me
and said hey, we heard aboutthis new ministry called
Jessica's House.
We believe that it would fitreally well into our mission of
creating a stronger andhealthier community for um
(21:11):
through the hospital, our localhospital.
And so they I did apresentation to their board and
we had a unanimous vote tolaunch Jessica's House through
the hospital named after Michaeland Danielle Everett's daughter
, Jessica.
And so that was a great, stronglaunch for us, through
Jessica's House, to support thechildren and families in the
(21:35):
Central Valley.
And then today we are no longerpart of the department of the
hospital, but we are part ofCovenant Ministries of
Benevolence and EMC HealthIncorporated, and so we're a
ministry of them and we're sograteful to have their support.
Brad Quillen (21:53):
And that first night that we opened, how
nervous were you?
Erin Nelson (21:57):
Oh my goodness.
Well, yes, I was nervous.
I think we had one child, right.
And yes, and we just were soexcited, and yeah it was.
We had one child that turnedinto 25, that turned into 50 and
kept doubling in size.
So that first night that weopened I went home and we didn't
(22:21):
mention this, but I did getremarried to Brian Nelson and we
had went on to have two otherchildren, and so I went home
that first night and said that,told him I was so worried nobody
would come.
And then here we are today.
Brad Quillen (22:39):
And today we're serving hundreds and hundreds of
families a month here atJessica's House, from that one
kiddo that came and his mom totoday, where we are, as we
launch this podcast, servinghundreds of families a month in
the Central Valley.
Erin, in some of those earlydays, Jessica's house was born
(23:01):
out of trying to help kids avoidfuture risky habits.
Can you share a little bitabout that and part of our
mission in that today still.
Erin Nelson (23:11):
Yes, and as we launched from the hospital
inside their mission of creatinga stronger and healthier
community, something that wewere really focusing on is
knowing that when a childexperiences the death of a
parent or a sibling they do have, they are at risk if their
grief isn't supported.
Knowing that supporting a childwhen they're grieving can help
(23:36):
build resilience and it canreally counter those risk
factors for emotional, physicaland mental health.
So we were really kind ofopening in that space of
prevention and offering familiesthe support and coping skills
that they need and just to knowthat they're not alone.
Brad Quillen (23:56):
And in future episodes we're also going to
talk about some of those waysyou can support your kiddos,
whether they're the three andfive-year-olds or the
fifteen-year-olds, as in yourstory have been pieces and those
things will come down the road.
Erin, and so has Jessica'sHouse continued to grow in those
first number of years.
I know behind the scenes wewould talk about we doubled
(24:18):
again this year, we doubledagain the next year and then we
doubled again, and those numberscontinue to grow.
And about seven years into thelife of Jessica's House, your
son, Carter, experienced a caraccident and you got another one
of those phone calls.
Can you share a bit about thatwith us?
Erin Nelson (24:34):
Yeah, so it was another like kind of late night
phone call about midnight thatwe got a phone call that my son,
Carter, was in an accident.
And I just remember you know sodifferent of like just driving
to the hospital and just prayingand you know, at the first I
(24:55):
think the message from thedoctors was just like you know,
he's strong and healthy and heshould be able to get through
this, but unfortunately, um, thenext day he died.
And you know, my daughter atthe time was 17, his um, and you
(25:15):
know so again, kind of goinginto that space of having a
teenager who's grieving and thenhaving young adults who are
grieving, which was, yeah,Cassie and Cody.
And so I just don't think Iever imagined, and I think maybe
some there was a part of methat thought I'll go help other
(25:35):
people and maybe I won't havelike this type of loss again or
something.
But it was devastating.
I think.
You know, that loss for mereally took me into another
place of honesty.
I think a place of just rawemotion, a place of like just a
(25:58):
different type of grief of achild.
And yeah, I just started to, Ijust took time off and really
just had to live in.
That it was the hardest thingI've ever gone through and I
just, you know, wanted to bethere for my family and just all
(26:19):
of the other support that I wasdoing kind of got, you know,
really put on hold for me andyou stepped up to really just
hold the organization and, youknow, be there and stabilize
Jessica's House and so, yeah, Ijust took some time off and we
(26:40):
were in the middle of a CapitalCampaign because of needing
extra space, and then somethingthat really helped me in my
healing was just starting towrite.
So I started writing about justwhat it felt like to lose a
child and healing, justprocessing some of those that
(27:02):
deep doubt I was feeling in theworld of safety and questioning
my faith.
That had always been important,so my faith with having a Bible
in my bed.
When Tyler died, that wasn'ttrue for me.
When Carter died, like I wassaying to God, like, like, how
(27:25):
dare you?
Yeah, like, truly yeah.
Like I was like what is goingon and so there was just a real
process in my heart of trustingagain, trusting in the safety of
the world.
I feel like even I'm here, I'mthere sometimes still and, um,
(27:47):
so kind of coming from a newkind of place, I would say, in
grief it's a deepening of mygrief, a deepening of anguish
and, yeah, just kind of livingthere.
Brad Quillen (28:05):
Can I ask you this question when you say there's a
difference with Carter's death,a deeper depth of grief?
Erin Nelson (28:16):
And I think for me what that means is it was
compounded.
Yeah, there was a loss ofsecurity that I had never
experienced before, and that wassomething that deepened the
pain for me, I think.
Brad Quillen (28:39):
So, Erin, over the years you've shared with me a
few times that after Carter'sdeath, that you would text a
friend and she had lost a child.
And do you remember the textthat she sent you back that
you've talked about before?
Erin Nelson (28:54):
Yeah.
So one in particular, Iremember, was one morning, just
after not sleeping, I texted herI feel like I'm falling into
the darkness.
And then she texted back thedarkness will hold you.
And I think that's what I hadto really give myself over to is
(29:16):
just kind of like free fallinginto the darkness and trusting
that all of those, the kind ofwaves of darkness that I would
experience, that they wouldnever last forever, and that is
kind of like that's what I beganto trust is that the darkness
(29:37):
would hold me in a gentleembrace.
It would hurt, you know, butthat then it would like, kind of
, if I was spiraling down, Iwould be able to bounce back up
into the light again, and totrust that that would come.
And so, as I experienced, youknow, a very dark time, I
(30:02):
learned to trust that, justbreath by breath, I would get
through it.
Brad Quillen (30:07):
I ask you that because I know there's people
listening right now that theythat's what they feel they're
going, and I feel like you'vegiven yourself permission
through that text to be it'sokay to go there.
Erin Nelson (30:21):
It's okay to go there.
Brad Quillen (30:22):
It's okay to be down in that depth.
That's where the healing is,and I've heard people say you
know day by day but, I think Iwould argue it's minute by
minute sometimes and it's 10minutes by 10 minute segment to
make it.
Erin Nelson (30:40):
Absolutely, I mean really, truly.
You, you do that breath bybreath, and it's okay to breathe
in and breathe out, it's okayto just survive the moment.
Brad Quillen (30:55):
In some ways, even in those hard first days and
weeks after Carter's death,where or how did you find
strength, as some of those thatare listening today, or boy, I
could sure use.
I'm in the depth and I feellike I can't go any deeper.
But where's some of that hope,or some of that strength that
you found in those those hardugly days.
Erin Nelson (31:18):
Yeah, I think, being honest and raw and very
real and it meant like just, youknow, staying in my pajamas,
like just being who I am, likejust really being with the
sadness.
(31:38):
I think what I found was that Ihad to allow whatever was
coming up for me betrayal by God, whatever it was that I was
feeling.
I had to like feel that in mybody and then I had to release
it somehow and so being able tolike just breathe it out.
(32:02):
Sometimes it was just trulyjust crying, just screaming, you
know, and I thought, well, Ineed to close my doors, the
neighbors, but you know, butjust really just being there,
like that, that energy that Ihad inside me, that that anguish
(32:24):
, I needed to like let that movethrough me.
And that is how I learned toget through it, breath by breath
.
It was really the expressionand the honesty of welcoming
everything that came in my way.
Brad Quillen (32:42):
And you've taught me over the years that there's
that energy and grief.
We're going to talk about thatin future episodes of how do we
release that energy and how dowe let that move through and not
just stay?
Erin Nelson (32:57):
I think that was such a difference between my
first losses, because I hadspent so much time learning
about how to heal when you're ingrieving and how to heal after
someone significant dies, andall the trauma pieces of
understanding that this time Imean even the drive to the
(33:17):
hospital, was breathing anddoing some of those like
resourcing, you find yourresources, it's people, it's
taking a walk, it's ceremony,like all of those pieces that we
talk to families every dayabout.
I learned that I needed thoseso desperately in my own life.
Brad Quillen (33:39):
And Erin, as you talk about the writing, I can
remember numerous people in thatseason saying to me you know,
has Erin ever thought aboutwriting more?
Which brings us to this podcast, which is entitled When Grief
Comes Home, and early in 2025,Jessica's House is producing a
book with the very same titleWhen Comes Home and all today in
(34:03):
the studio, your co-authorColleen Montague's been sitting
here with us and joining us, andso we look forward to that book
coming out again in early 2025.
Erin Nelson (34:15):
Yeah, and I, um, I'm, I'm so excited about that
and you know, I went to awriter's conference a couple of
years ago and I was just reallylooking into because I had done
a lot of blogging, a lot ofposting and just people ask me a
lot, just like can you pleasewrite something?
(34:37):
Can you please write something?
This helps me so much.
And there was another layer ofhelping people, just like
Jessica's House, and I was likeI want to do that.
And so I went to a writer'sconference and I'm it was so
grateful to have Colleen,because she came onto our team
and I will never forget ourinterview and I asked her this
question and it was like hey,what are you most proud of?
(34:59):
And she said, hey, well, Ipublished something and I'm
really proud of it.
I've always I love writing.
And I thought, oh, my goodness,that's pretty cool, because I
start, I was kind of going alongthat process of writing and we
acquired an agent.
So on the way home from thewriter's retreat, I, I called
(35:21):
Colleen and said want to write abook?
And she said yes, and so, yeah,it's very exciting.
And so, yeah, I'd love toColleen.
What's that process been likefor you?
Colleen Montague (35:45):
Well Erin, I never in my wildest dreams
imagined I would get to pair twothings that I really enjoy
doing.
I am a Marriage and FamilyTherapist and have been for a
number of years, and in mypractice I found myself really
gravitating towards thosefamilies and clients who were
grieving, and there was justsome really profound work that I
got to witness alongside them.
And then, since I was a littlegirl, I've loved writing and
(36:08):
I've always had a dream topublish someday.
And so when you invited me tointersect you know those two
passions together and write withyou, of course I said yes.
(36:28):
I was one of those that I wasfollowing your blog before you
and I really knew each otherwell, and I was one of those
people that told you that youshould write more.
And then to be welcomed in, towrite alongside you and help put
this baby, as we call it out,into the world, just like a baby
elephant.
Just like a baby elephant.
(36:49):
It takes about three yearsgestation period for a baby
elephant to come into the world,and that is much like our book
story.
So we got about one year left.
Erin Nelson (37:01):
One more year.
Less than that.
Yes, so I think the book comesout.
We've heard about January 2025.
Really grateful for that anddeepening this resource for
parents who've lost either aspouse or partner or a child,
and you know so much of whatwe've written is just what we're
(37:25):
talking about today about youknow the early days and, but it
goes on about practices for yourchildren and art and ways to
express and coping skills andbeing able to.
We talk about really complexlosses and what's that like and
what else have you lost, right?
Just with secondary losses.
Colleen Montague (37:46):
And Erin, I will say my favorite part of our
book is actually your memoirthat you have stitched together
throughout the book.
At the beginning of eachchapter you invite us in to a
part of your loss that isrelated to that topic at hand
for the chapter, and that'sbecome my favorite part of the
(38:07):
book just to hear more aboutyour experience and what it was
like for you and then how thatrelates to our reader.
Erin Nelson (38:16):
Well, as I said earlier in the podcast, you know
that helped me so much right,to hear other people's stories.
So we hope that this nextproject that'll be in the world
will be helpful.
Colleen Montague (38:29):
Because the reality is not everybody has a
Jessica's House to visit, and sothis book can broaden our
support and just as this podcastis doing too.
That's right.
Brad Quillen (38:42):
Erin, thank you for sharing your story of loss
today and thank you forlistening that are out there.
If you're interested inlearning more about the
resources we have here atJessica's House, go to our
website at jessicashouse.
org for a variety of resources.
And again, thank you forjoining us and don't forget to
join us next time for anotherepisode of When Grief Comes Home
(39:03):
, where we'll be discussing theearly days of grief.
Until then, we wish you well.
Gary Shriver (39:13):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
If you need grief-relatedsupport, please visit
jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
(39:35):
Jessica's House on social media,and if you have any questions
or topics you'd like for us toexplore in future episodes, just
send us an email tojessicashouse.
org.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time, for
When Grief Comes Home.
Hello and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a
podcast dedicated to parentsliving through loss while
supporting their child.
Let's meet the team.
Erin Nelson (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding Executive Director at
Jessica's House.
Colleen Montague (00:15):
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, Program
Director for Jessica's House anda Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist.
Brad Quillen (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When
Grief Comes Home.
Now, through this podcast,they'll share grief resources
and coping skills, heartfeltstories and insights to support
parents as they raise childrenwho are grieving.
Together you'll find strengthas we learn to live with loss
(00:42):
and find ways to heal.
Welcome to When Grief Comes Home.
We're glad you're here as wekick off our very first podcast
episode from Jessica's House,and today I'm joined by Erin
Nelson, our founding ExecutiveDirector of Jessica's House.
Erin and I first met many yearsago.
Over two decades ago, I was ayouth pastor at the church she
(01:03):
was attending.
But, Erin, that kind of leadsus into a little before that
season, you entered into thegrief world and would you share
how that happened for you?
Erin Nelson (01:15):
Yes, Brad, when my children were young, we entered
the grief world so unexpectedlyand I was married to my husband,
Tyler, for seven years, andthen one day we went over to
Monterey to visit his parentsand we were, we were there and
in the middle of the night wegot a phone call and that phone
(01:38):
call was from Tyler's brother,Gary, who told us that Tyler had
been in a midair collision andso his plane collided with
another plane and there were nosurvivors.
And so he called us and let usknow.
And at that time, you know Ihad never had any other loss in
my life and it was such a shockto just pick up the phone.
(02:05):
My daughter was by my side whenI picked up the phone and his
parents were there and we alltalked to his brother and we
learned about his death.
And it was just one of thosemoments that kind of time stands
still and you don't reallybelieve what you heard and you
(02:27):
just keep asking like what, likewhat happened?
And you know, you just ask alot of questions and you have a
lot of just there's so manyunknowns and so we just packed
up.
You know, we packed our things,I pulled my three-year-old Cody
out of bed and I'll neverforget, just like, kind of like
(02:48):
stuffing him into his 49erjacket and buckling him into his
car seat because Monterery isabout two hours away from home
for us.
So we drove home and I thinkyou know, when I think about
that morning of just drivinghome, I think about just like as
we got onto just the main roadsand I'm like how is everybody
(03:10):
driving to work?
Like how was the world stillspinning?
Wondering like, how was lifegoing on?
How was the world spinning?
How was the sun coming up?
Like you just wonder like, howdid this huge thing happen?
And everyone's just goingaround as if, like their lives
haven't been changed.
Brad Quillen (03:30):
Normal was still going on, but for you it was
completely changed.
Erin Nelson (03:34):
It was completely changed, absolutely.
Brad Quillen (03:38):
And you have a five and three year old that you
put in the car and you drivehome.
Again, like you said, about twohours away.
What was even getting home likefor you that morning?
Erin Nelson (03:50):
You know, it's interesting.
I think back and I kind of hada sense that we were like kind
of floating down the road.
I remember, you know, in theMonterey California area there's
like a lot of farmland andthere's just this rich soil and
I remember looking over thefarmland and just noticing the
sunrise and just, just feelinglike I don't know, just like I
(04:15):
was driving and I couldn't evenbelieve that I could drive and I
could still function and justdriving the kids home to where
our family would be.
Brad Quillen (04:26):
Right.
That morning you have aconversation with your
three-year-old, Cody, about whathad happened.
Can you share a bit about thatand how that took place?
Erin Nelson (04:40):
Yeah, because he was asleep, we just let him just
be in the car seat as we drovehome.
And when I got home there wereso many people just like lining
my sidewalk and just welcomingwith open arms.
Just the news had really kindof like spread and I was
surprised they were there.
And you know, just we were alljust trying to, like, you know,
just settle into what happenedand I remember just thinking, oh
(05:04):
, my goodness, goodness, like Ihaven't even talked to Cody yet,
like he has no idea why allthese people are here.
So I just took his hand andwalked him outside and Tyler had
built him a sandbox just abouta year before, and so we went
out and just talked to him and Iremember just saying, "Hey, I
(05:24):
need to talk to you, I need totell you that something really
bad happened.
And I told him that you know,your daddy was in an accident
and his body was really hurt andyou know, and his body was so
hurt that he died.
And he had two like little carsthat he was playing with in the
(05:48):
sandbox and we were just kind ofsitting side by side, kind of
just playing in the sand, and hestarted just kind of crashing
them together, a little bit likeasking me well, what was it
like?
Was it like this or was it likethat?
Because I told him that hisplane had crashed with another
plane and kind of talked to himabout like how you know, in
Alaska it's kind of like howthey drive, and so there's, you
(06:11):
know, planes flying in the sky,but that's just like you know,
cars drive on the road and wherewe live.
And so he yeah, he was justkind of trying to make sense of
it and I remember just likebeing in that moment just
watching him process that.
Brad Quillen (06:39):
And I know some folks that are listening right
now have questions and some ofthose things we're going to
cover in podcasts to come.
But I know some of them mightbe thinking of did you ever
imagine or think about theaccident, and were there images
or thoughts that you had of howthat happened that played
through your mind?
Erin Nelson (06:54):
Yeah, that surprised me.
It surprised me that my brainwas trying to kind of figure out
what really happened and I didhave those images in my mind of
the accident.
Even though I wasn't there, Iimagined what happened, and so
that was kind of a worry for mebecause it kept going on and
(07:17):
that was my first time everexperiencing anything like that,
and so I wondered how thosewould would resolve.
And they did over time.
Brad Quillen (07:27):
Over time.
Yeah, and I know in futureepisodes we'll be sharing about
how do your, how do you tellyour kiddos, and even what are
the things your kiddos need inthose first few days after, and
what do we need as as grieversas well, in those first few days
and that will be coming.
Erin, that was in the summer of95 and not long after that your
(07:50):
mom died and so she died fromsuicide.
Erin Nelson (07:54):
Yeah, my mom had lived with bipolar just all of
my life.
I remember her cycling throughsome bipolar episodes of
depression and mania and, yeah,she had previously had a couple
of attempts of suicide and soand she did die of suicide and
(08:17):
at that time my sister wasfifteen and we brought her, I
brought her with us, and so shebegan to live with us and so I
just, you know, having my twoyounger kids and then also a
teenager, and just I learned alot about just kind of like
living with grief and trauma andalso like kind of wondering
(08:41):
like how we could find support.
I really was looking forsupport for all of us, but we
didn't have anything in our areaat that time.
Brad Quillen (08:50):
Because you have fifteen, five and three year
olds living in your home thatare experiencing grief, and you
as well.
Erin Nelson (08:57):
Right, there was a lot to just experience and, yeah
, I had to really do a lot ofintentional healing and I've
been really grateful at thattime.
I had a lot of support, justnatural support around me and
just like as you and I and Iknow you mentioned how we met at
(09:18):
church and our church communitywas really strong and so I was
really grateful to be surroundedby them.
But I think we all needed someextra support of somebody who
really understood just thereactions of trauma and grief
and some just kind ofnormalizing some of what we were
going through and even justhaving others for my sister and
(09:42):
also my younger kids that couldjust understand and so that they
didn't feel quite so alone inthat.
Brad Quillen (09:50):
Yeah, and some of the resources we find show up
and are there in the first placeweeks and days, but we need
that longer support and one ofthose things that wasn't in our
community was that long-termcomponent.
Erin Nelson (10:05):
Right, just kind of that.
Yeah, ongoing support that youneed and just in the fragility
of grief, like when you havelosses and you, you can just
feel so fragile and it reallyjust changes everything and to
have someone else that's gonethrough it and to hold hope for
you, or and also just havingcoping skills, and I was just
(10:28):
really looking for that.
Brad Quillen (10:30):
Yeah, and I've heard, I've heard families say
that they're looking for hope insomeone else.
That's a little further downthe road.
Yeah, to be able to see thosethings in their community.
Erin Nelson (10:40):
It's so true, I had a very just a kind of an
experience that was just alittle one, but it really did
help me a lot and it actuallygave me a little taste of, I
think, what I was looking for.
And I remember there was awoman who came after Tyler died
and for the grave marker we weretrying to choose his grave
(11:02):
marker and she came to my homeand sat at my kitchen table and
we just she had like a binder ofthese pictures and like wording
options and I'll never forgetjust she mentioned just really
casually that her husband haddied a few years before.
And I remember just like kind ofputting the binder down for a
minute and just looking at herand just thinking, okay, here
(11:25):
she is, she's breathing you knowshe's smiling, she's working,
she's, you know, interacting,and I just thought, okay, like
my life's not over, like I cankeep going and keep living and
keep finding meaning, and so,yeah, it just made me think
(11:48):
she's a little bit older than meat the time, but I just thought
it would be really neat to meetsomebody else who's gone
through this.
Brad Quillen (11:55):
Right, if she can do it, I can do it.
Erin Nelson (11:58):
Yeah, absolutely.
Brad Quillen (11:59):
Or I can get there , I can see that coming in the
future.
Erin, I know that in all ofthat season there was a lot
going on, but one of the thingsthat you've talked about is a
verse out of the Bible thatyou've fallen back on in that
season, and would you share thatwith us?
Erin Nelson (12:18):
Yeah, and I just think you know, during that time
, you know, my faith was soimportant to me and I remember,
you know, it took a long time toeven sleep with the light off.
You know, I mean just like thekids slept with me and I just
would have the light on.
And you know, I the Bible wasreally important to me.
So I even slept with my Bible,like kind of close, and I would
(12:40):
read it in the night.
And there was a verse that Ihad never read before that I
came across.
It comes from secondCorinthians and it said, you
know, that God comforts us andall of our troubles like and so
that we could someday comfortsomeone else.
And I remember when I read thatverse and I thought, you know,
(13:01):
that really means a lot to me,like I hope that as I heal, that
someday I'll be able to comfortsomeone with this comfort that
I really did receive, I feltlike it was palpable, it got me
through the night, you know, itgot me through my nights and
days and there was like apresence that was there, um,
(13:23):
that was healing and, um, I justit was really important to me
and so that was something that Ireally held onto and I had just
this little spark of hope thatsomeday I could help someone
else.
Brad Quillen (13:36):
That's gone through something similar or has
kids that that get this similarphone call or notification.
Erin Nelson (13:43):
Yeah, truly.
And I remember like even like ayear, maybe a couple of years,
after we had a death in ourchurch and just thinking
somebody had done somethingsuper practical.
It was a neighbor who likebrought just she showed up at my
front door after Tyler died andshe just had this just bags of
toilet paper and it was just sosimple.
But I had like so many extrapeople in my house and it was
(14:07):
super helpful, right.
And I just remember like evenjust learning about how others
supported me and hoping that Icould go and support other
people in just those practicalways.
Brad Quillen (14:18):
Yeah, and that it's interesting you say that
because down the road in thatseason of life kind of starts an
idea of doing ministry to thosethat are grieving.
Erin Nelson (14:33):
Yeah.
Brad Quillen (14:34):
And that started in the church that you and I
both were at that churchministry of crisis care and
helping folks that are walkingthrough that, and that's a
number of years down the roadand that sparked out of that
night almost of reading thatsecond Corinthians passage, of
being able to use that down theroad.
Can you share a little bitabout just those first early
(14:54):
days of the church ministry?
Erin Nelson (14:56):
Yeah, definitely I.
That verse kind of like rolledinto another time where I heard
a woman whose husband had diedin a plane crash and she had
written a book through Focus onthe Family, and it was something
that I, when I listened to herspeak, I was thinking.
It kind of seemed like I hope Ican help someone else someday.
(15:19):
And I talked to our pastor.
I'll never forget just sayingto him at the back of the church
one day like, "ey, I was justthinking, you know, I'd love to
help other people who are ingrief.
" and he said, oh, like yes, ofcourse, and like he said I bless
you in that.
And so I remember just kind oflooking at other ministries
(15:45):
around the United States, justyou know, that had practical
care teams and so we would justsend notes to people and do help
them with their funeral.
We would follow families for acouple of years with
encouragement and you know, forwidows, like we could just
change their light bulbs or comehelp them with their lawn, or
like clean or just you know,encouraging words, meeting with
(16:07):
them, helping them with theirkids and just really practically
just coming alongside.
And I know, as you and Istarted going and doing ministry
like that together, we realizedthat, oh man, the need was so
much bigger than we everimagined.
And so being able to identifythat, wow, we could be doing
(16:30):
this all the time and the needwould not end.
Because we became kind of knownfor that right, right and a
church that would really followa family and nurture them and
come alongside them in theirgrief.
And at the same time I was kindof going back to school and
going through a program fortrauma and children and also for
(16:53):
loss and bereavement, and so Iwas kind of studying on my own
and developing some practicaland also just educational kind
of knowledge about trauma andhow it affects children and
families.
Brad Quillen (17:08):
And I would just say, even in those church
ministry days of getting phonecalls from outside of our church
, from community, folks ordifferent deaths that happened
that we were asked to helpresource, or different deaths
that happened that we were askedto help resource.
It was very practical, even inthose days of, just like you
were saying, I don't know howmany lawns we mowed or
(17:32):
babysitting things we puttogether and the cards that went
out, like you said, for monthsand years afterwards to those
families and those people helpedfoster the reality of there is
a huge need.
Erin Nelson (17:41):
Yeah, there's a big need.
Brad Quillen (17:43):
And after the break, we're going to talk about
even that need growing and howthat grew to be Jessica's House.
Today we're going to talk abouthow that started, all after the
break.
Gary Shriver (17:56):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
Jessica's House provides freepeer support for children, teens
, young adults and theirfamilies grieving a loss.
If you need grief-relatedsupport, please visit
jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
(18:18):
Jessica's House on social media.
And if you have any questionsor topics you'd like us to
explore in a future episode,just send us an email at info at
jessicashouse.
org.
Brad Quillen (18:31):
Well, welcome back to When Grief Comes Home.
As we ended earlier going intobreak, we were sharing about
Erin's desire to bring hope toothers from what she's gone
through.
Erin, would you share a littlebit about how Jessica's house
got started back back in 2012?
Erin Nelson (18:51):
Yes, Brad, I, as we kind of talked about, I, just
Colorado that desire to, youknow, help other people and we
started that ministry and we sawthat the need was so much
bigger than we could do in thechurch ministry.
And I learned about a modelwhile I was in Colorado doing
some classes for a grief andbereavement program and I heard
(19:12):
about a model called the DougyCenter.
It's in Portland, Oregon.
They were the very firstchildren's bereavement center in
the United States.
When I heard about their model,I just thought, oh my goodness,
this is exactly what I've beenlooking for, and it just was so
exciting to hear about them.
(19:32):
And Dr.
Alan Wolfelt shared the modelwith me from the Fort Collins,
Colorado area.
When I learned about it Icalled the director at that time
, Dr.
Donna Sherman, and we had aphone conversation and just
talked about how could wepractically bring that program
to our area, the Turlock CentralValley area in California.
(19:57):
And so I started just kind ofthinking about that and starting
a nonprofit of my own and withothers who also had losses.
And we had Mike Everett and hewas Jessica's dad and I talked
(20:18):
to him about the need for griefsupport and after his daughter,
Jessica died, he was looking forsupport for his son Mitchell,
just like I was looking forsupport for my kids, and so we
had a conversation about that,and so we were moving forward on
starting a nonprofit.
Brad Quillen (20:39):
Jessica's House opened in 2012, but there was a
lot that went into that before.
Can you share a little bitabout just some of that history?
.
Erin Nelson (20:48):
Yes, and so what happened was, as we started
pursuing starting a nonprofit,our local hospital came in to me
and said hey, we heard aboutthis new ministry called
Jessica's House.
We believe that it would fitreally well into our mission of
creating a stronger andhealthier community for um
(21:11):
through the hospital, our localhospital.
And so they I did apresentation to their board and
we had a unanimous vote tolaunch Jessica's House through
the hospital named after Michaeland Danielle Everett's daughter
, Jessica.
And so that was a great, stronglaunch for us, through
Jessica's House, to support thechildren and families in the
(21:35):
Central Valley.
And then today we are no longerpart of the department of the
hospital, but we are part ofCovenant Ministries of
Benevolence and EMC HealthIncorporated, and so we're a
ministry of them and we're sograteful to have their support.
Brad Quillen (21:53):
And that first night that we opened, how
nervous were you?
Erin Nelson (21:57):
Oh my goodness.
Well, yes, I was nervous.
I think we had one child, right.
And yes, and we just were soexcited, and yeah it was.
We had one child that turnedinto 25, that turned into 50 and
kept doubling in size.
So that first night that weopened I went home and we didn't
(22:21):
mention this, but I did getremarried to Brian Nelson and we
had went on to have two otherchildren, and so I went home
that first night and said that,told him I was so worried nobody
would come.
And then here we are today.
Brad Quillen (22:39):
And today we're serving hundreds and hundreds of
families a month here atJessica's House, from that one
kiddo that came and his mom totoday, where we are, as we
launch this podcast, servinghundreds of families a month in
the Central Valley.
Erin, in some of those earlydays, Jessica's house was born
(23:01):
out of trying to help kids avoidfuture risky habits.
Can you share a little bitabout that and part of our
mission in that today still.
Erin Nelson (23:11):
Yes, and as we launched from the hospital
inside their mission of creatinga stronger and healthier
community, something that wewere really focusing on is
knowing that when a childexperiences the death of a
parent or a sibling they do have, they are at risk if their
grief isn't supported.
Knowing that supporting a childwhen they're grieving can help
(23:36):
build resilience and it canreally counter those risk
factors for emotional, physicaland mental health.
So we were really kind ofopening in that space of
prevention and offering familiesthe support and coping skills
that they need and just to knowthat they're not alone.
Brad Quillen (23:56):
And in future episodes we're also going to
talk about some of those waysyou can support your kiddos,
whether they're the three andfive-year-olds or the
fifteen-year-olds, as in yourstory have been pieces and those
things will come down the road.
Erin, and so has Jessica'sHouse continued to grow in those
first number of years.
I know behind the scenes wewould talk about we doubled
(24:18):
again this year, we doubledagain the next year and then we
doubled again, and those numberscontinue to grow.
And about seven years into thelife of Jessica's House, your
son, Carter, experienced a caraccident and you got another one
of those phone calls.
Can you share a bit about thatwith us?
Erin Nelson (24:34):
Yeah, so it was another like kind of late night
phone call about midnight thatwe got a phone call that my son,
Carter, was in an accident.
And I just remember you know sodifferent of like just driving
to the hospital and just prayingand you know, at the first I
(24:55):
think the message from thedoctors was just like you know,
he's strong and healthy and heshould be able to get through
this, but unfortunately, um, thenext day he died.
And you know, my daughter atthe time was 17, his um, and you
(25:15):
know so again, kind of goinginto that space of having a
teenager who's grieving and thenhaving young adults who are
grieving, which was, yeah,Cassie and Cody.
And so I just don't think Iever imagined, and I think maybe
some there was a part of methat thought I'll go help other
(25:35):
people and maybe I won't havelike this type of loss again or
something.
But it was devastating.
I think.
You know, that loss for mereally took me into another
place of honesty.
I think a place of just rawemotion, a place of like just a
(25:58):
different type of grief of achild.
And yeah, I just started to, Ijust took time off and really
just had to live in.
That it was the hardest thingI've ever gone through and I
just, you know, wanted to bethere for my family and just all
(26:19):
of the other support that I wasdoing kind of got, you know,
really put on hold for me andyou stepped up to really just
hold the organization and, youknow, be there and stabilize
Jessica's House and so, yeah, Ijust took some time off and we
(26:40):
were in the middle of a CapitalCampaign because of needing
extra space, and then somethingthat really helped me in my
healing was just starting towrite.
So I started writing about justwhat it felt like to lose a
child and healing, justprocessing some of those that
(27:02):
deep doubt I was feeling in theworld of safety and questioning
my faith.
That had always been important,so my faith with having a Bible
in my bed.
When Tyler died, that wasn'ttrue for me.
When Carter died, like I wassaying to God, like, like, how
(27:25):
dare you?
Yeah, like, truly yeah.
Like I was like what is goingon and so there was just a real
process in my heart of trustingagain, trusting in the safety of
the world.
I feel like even I'm here, I'mthere sometimes still and, um,
(27:47):
so kind of coming from a newkind of place, I would say, in
grief it's a deepening of mygrief, a deepening of anguish
and, yeah, just kind of livingthere.
Brad Quillen (28:05):
Can I ask you this question when you say there's a
difference with Carter's death,a deeper depth of grief?
Erin Nelson (28:16):
And I think for me what that means is it was
compounded.
Yeah, there was a loss ofsecurity that I had never
experienced before, and that wassomething that deepened the
pain for me, I think.
Brad Quillen (28:39):
So, Erin, over the years you've shared with me a
few times that after Carter'sdeath, that you would text a
friend and she had lost a child.
And do you remember the textthat she sent you back that
you've talked about before?
Erin Nelson (28:54):
Yeah.
So one in particular, Iremember, was one morning, just
after not sleeping, I texted herI feel like I'm falling into
the darkness.
And then she texted back thedarkness will hold you.
And I think that's what I hadto really give myself over to is
(29:16):
just kind of like free fallinginto the darkness and trusting
that all of those, the kind ofwaves of darkness that I would
experience, that they wouldnever last forever, and that is
kind of like that's what I beganto trust is that the darkness
(29:37):
would hold me in a gentleembrace.
It would hurt, you know, butthat then it would like, kind of
, if I was spiraling down, Iwould be able to bounce back up
into the light again, and totrust that that would come.
And so, as I experienced, youknow, a very dark time, I
(30:02):
learned to trust that, justbreath by breath, I would get
through it.
Brad Quillen (30:07):
I ask you that because I know there's people
listening right now that theythat's what they feel they're
going, and I feel like you'vegiven yourself permission
through that text to be it'sokay to go there.
Erin Nelson (30:21):
It's okay to go there.
Brad Quillen (30:22):
It's okay to be down in that depth.
That's where the healing is,and I've heard people say you
know day by day but, I think Iwould argue it's minute by
minute sometimes and it's 10minutes by 10 minute segment to
make it.
Erin Nelson (30:40):
Absolutely, I mean really, truly.
You, you do that breath bybreath, and it's okay to breathe
in and breathe out, it's okayto just survive the moment.
Brad Quillen (30:55):
In some ways, even in those hard first days and
weeks after Carter's death,where or how did you find
strength, as some of those thatare listening today, or boy, I
could sure use.
I'm in the depth and I feellike I can't go any deeper.
But where's some of that hope,or some of that strength that
you found in those those hardugly days.
Erin Nelson (31:18):
Yeah, I think, being honest and raw and very
real and it meant like just, youknow, staying in my pajamas,
like just being who I am, likejust really being with the
sadness.
(31:38):
I think what I found was that Ihad to allow whatever was
coming up for me betrayal by God, whatever it was that I was
feeling.
I had to like feel that in mybody and then I had to release
it somehow and so being able tolike just breathe it out.
(32:02):
Sometimes it was just trulyjust crying, just screaming, you
know, and I thought, well, Ineed to close my doors, the
neighbors, but you know, butjust really just being there,
like that, that energy that Ihad inside me, that that anguish
(32:24):
, I needed to like let that movethrough me.
And that is how I learned toget through it, breath by breath
.
It was really the expressionand the honesty of welcoming
everything that came in my way.
Brad Quillen (32:42):
And you've taught me over the years that there's
that energy and grief.
We're going to talk about thatin future episodes of how do we
release that energy and how dowe let that move through and not
just stay?
Erin Nelson (32:57):
I think that was such a difference between my
first losses, because I hadspent so much time learning
about how to heal when you're ingrieving and how to heal after
someone significant dies, andall the trauma pieces of
understanding that this time Imean even the drive to the
(33:17):
hospital, was breathing anddoing some of those like
resourcing, you find yourresources, it's people, it's
taking a walk, it's ceremony,like all of those pieces that we
talk to families every dayabout.
I learned that I needed thoseso desperately in my own life.
Brad Quillen (33:39):
And Erin, as you talk about the writing, I can
remember numerous people in thatseason saying to me you know,
has Erin ever thought aboutwriting more?
Which brings us to this podcast, which is entitled When Grief
Comes Home, and early in 2025,Jessica's House is producing a
book with the very same titleWhen Comes Home and all today in
(34:03):
the studio, your co-authorColleen Montague's been sitting
here with us and joining us, andso we look forward to that book
coming out again in early 2025.
Erin Nelson (34:15):
Yeah, and I, um, I'm, I'm so excited about that
and you know, I went to awriter's conference a couple of
years ago and I was just reallylooking into because I had done
a lot of blogging, a lot ofposting and just people ask me a
lot, just like can you pleasewrite something?
(34:37):
Can you please write something?
This helps me so much.
And there was another layer ofhelping people, just like
Jessica's House, and I was likeI want to do that.
And so I went to a writer'sconference and I'm it was so
grateful to have Colleen,because she came onto our team
and I will never forget ourinterview and I asked her this
question and it was like hey,what are you most proud of?
(34:59):
And she said, hey, well, Ipublished something and I'm
really proud of it.
I've always I love writing.
And I thought, oh, my goodness,that's pretty cool, because I
start, I was kind of going alongthat process of writing and we
acquired an agent.
So on the way home from thewriter's retreat, I, I called
(35:21):
Colleen and said want to write abook?
And she said yes, and so, yeah,it's very exciting.
And so, yeah, I'd love toColleen.
What's that process been likefor you?
Colleen Montague (35:45):
Well Erin, I never in my wildest dreams
imagined I would get to pair twothings that I really enjoy
doing.
I am a Marriage and FamilyTherapist and have been for a
number of years, and in mypractice I found myself really
gravitating towards thosefamilies and clients who were
grieving, and there was justsome really profound work that I
got to witness alongside them.
And then, since I was a littlegirl, I've loved writing and
(36:08):
I've always had a dream topublish someday.
And so when you invited me tointersect you know those two
passions together and write withyou, of course I said yes.
(36:28):
I was one of those that I wasfollowing your blog before you
and I really knew each otherwell, and I was one of those
people that told you that youshould write more.
And then to be welcomed in, towrite alongside you and help put
this baby, as we call it out,into the world, just like a baby
elephant.
Just like a baby elephant.
(36:49):
It takes about three yearsgestation period for a baby
elephant to come into the world,and that is much like our book
story.
So we got about one year left.
Erin Nelson (37:01):
One more year.
Less than that.
Yes, so I think the book comesout.
We've heard about January 2025.
Really grateful for that anddeepening this resource for
parents who've lost either aspouse or partner or a child,
and you know so much of whatwe've written is just what we're
(37:25):
talking about today about youknow the early days and, but it
goes on about practices for yourchildren and art and ways to
express and coping skills andbeing able to.
We talk about really complexlosses and what's that like and
what else have you lost, right?
Just with secondary losses.
Colleen Montague (37:46):
And Erin, I will say my favorite part of our
book is actually your memoirthat you have stitched together
throughout the book.
At the beginning of eachchapter you invite us in to a
part of your loss that isrelated to that topic at hand
for the chapter, and that'sbecome my favorite part of the
(38:07):
book just to hear more aboutyour experience and what it was
like for you and then how thatrelates to our reader.
Erin Nelson (38:16):
Well, as I said earlier in the podcast, you know
that helped me so much right,to hear other people's stories.
So we hope that this nextproject that'll be in the world
will be helpful.
Colleen Montague (38:29):
Because the reality is not everybody has a
Jessica's House to visit, and sothis book can broaden our
support and just as this podcastis doing too.
That's right.
Brad Quillen (38:42):
Erin, thank you for sharing your story of loss
today and thank you forlistening that are out there.
If you're interested inlearning more about the
resources we have here atJessica's House, go to our
website at jessicashouse.
org for a variety of resources.
And again, thank you forjoining us and don't forget to
join us next time for anotherepisode of When Grief Comes Home
(39:03):
, where we'll be discussing theearly days of grief.
Until then, we wish you well.
Gary Shriver (39:13):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
If you need grief-relatedsupport, please visit
jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
(39:35):
Jessica's House on social media,and if you have any questions
or topics you'd like for us toexplore in future episodes, just
send us an email tojessicashouse.
org.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time, for
When Grief Comes Home.
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