February 4, 2025 • 24 mins
Welcome to the When Grief Comes Home podcast. We're glad you're here. This podcast supports parents who are grieving a spouse, partner, or child while helping their children who are living through the loss of a parent or sibling. With personal grief stories and professional guidance, we offer parents practical tips for supporting their child who is grieving while caring for their own grief.
This episode explores the newly released book, When Grief Comes Home. We discuss why we wrote the book, how the book can help you in grief and also reveals a little bit about our writing process.
Colleen reveals a LIE she accidentally told on the podcast and we have a little fun talking about the book launch.
Thank you for joining us🤍
Please subscribe to the When Grief Comes Home podcast and leave us a review. The more stars, reviews, and downloads the show receives, the more parents and families in grief can find support.
Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L
For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Gary Shriver (00:00):
Hello and welcome to when Grief Comes Home, a
podcast dedicated to parentsliving through loss while
supporting their child.
Let's meet the team.
Erin Nelson (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at
Jessica's House.
Colleen Montague (00:15):
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, program
director for Jessica's House anda licensed marriage and family
therapist.
Brad Quillen (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When
Grief Comes Home.
Gary Shriver (00:25):
This podcast goes along with a book of the same
name.
The book when Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
who are grieving a partner orchild, while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers.
(00:47):
Now let's go to the team, asthey share grief resources and
coping skills, heartfelt storiesand insights to support parents
as they raise children who aregrieving.
Together, you'll find strengthas we learn to live with loss
and find ways to heal.
Brad Quillen (01:01):
Today, we're talking about something special.
This is a special bonus podcastbecause today Jessica's House
launches a book When Grief ComesHome is out on all major
retailers today, as you listento this podcast.
Erin, our executive director,and Colleen, our program
director, over the last numberof years have put together a
(01:22):
tremendous resource for familiesthat have lost a spouse or a
child, and today we want to talkabout that just a little bit.
Erin, this has been a labor oflove for you for decades.
I'm going to tell people,because this was something that
started after Tyler died,because you read a book about a
month after Tyler died youshared with me that helped you
(01:44):
so much in your time of need.
Erin Nelson (01:47):
It's true, Brad, I read a book and I heard someone
speak and they had a losssimilar to mine and it really
just ignited something in myheart to have a little piece of
hope that someday I might beable to come alongside someone
else someday, and it reallyincited just a dream I had to
(02:12):
someday write a book.
Brad Quillen (02:14):
I know we hear often the loneliness piece.
Erin Nelson (02:17):
Yes.
Brad Quillen (02:17):
So in that first month right after Tyler dies in
a plane crash, and this book wasabout a spouse that died in a
plane crash, which was exactlywhat happened to you.
That loneliness somewhatdiminishes because you're
reading a book of someone that'sgone through something so
similar to you.
Erin Nelson (02:33):
Yes, it was everything.
It's almost like it's a key toyour heart that nobody else has,
and she spoke my feelings.
And she spoke my feelings and Ihad never experienced that
before and just to hear someonetalk about a very unique way,
that someone died, and I didn'tknow anyone else in my life that
(02:57):
had experienced anything likethat.
So being able to read and hearher words, it gave me a lot of
hope.
Brad Quillen (03:04):
Yeah, in a time that was very desolate.
Erin Nelson (03:08):
It's true, yeah, in a time I felt very alone.
Yeah.
Brad Quillen (03:11):
Erin, I know over the years you've written posts
on social media and I've hadpeople say to me a lot Erin
needs to write, Erin needs towrite.
So this has been a projectthat's been going in you and
through you for years but kindof came to a culmination, to
where you finally started toattend seminars and conferences
(03:31):
on actually putting together abook.
Erin Nelson (03:34):
Yeah, about 20 years ago I was part of a
writer's group and we wouldbring our writing and just share
it with each other and do somecritiquing together, and that
was a really important time ofmy life.
That was right before Jessica'sHouse was launched and in many
ways, I was just getting readyto launch Jessica's House and
(03:55):
trying to figure out what ourcommunity needed and being able
to be part of that.
I met someone who was an agentat an agency for authors and
then just fast forward, just afew years ago that I saw her at
a book conference and I was ableto connect with our agent,
(04:19):
Wendy Lawton, and she reallybelieved in this project and it
meant so much to me.
Brad Quillen (04:25):
And people might be asking well, 20 years ago,
but now it's 20 years later, butyou started Jessica's House,
this grief center that we sit intoday, that helps hundreds and
hundreds of kids here in theCentral Valley of California.
You kind of had to put the bookwriting on the back burner, but
now you've had some space towrite and Colleen came on staff
and you guys were able to kindof start putting this together
and Colleen, t here's someunique pieces of this book that
(04:49):
supports parents and children.
Do you want to take a coupleminutes and just kind of address
some of those and share thosewith those that are listening?
Colleen Montague (04:55):
There are a lot of books out there on grief
that are written to an adult whois grieving, or to an adult for
how to support their childwho's grieving, and so what
makes our book unique is that itactually does both in one.
It's written to the parent whois grieving and speaks to them
(05:18):
and offers a little bit ofwisdom, if you will, just from
the experiences we've had andwe've seen and learned from, but
it also helps the parents knowhow to support their child who's
grieving, and so that's whatmakes our book very unique.
The other part of our book thatI appreciate is that you're not
just reading the experience ofonly Erin or only myself, but we
(05:44):
weave in the stories, thehundreds of stories we've heard
over the years of supportingfamilies, into the book as well.
So really you're hearing theexperiences of so many because,
as we know, everybody'sexperience is different.
Everybody's grief, looks andfeels different, and so I'm
(06:07):
grateful that we were able to dothat in the book, because you
might be more able to findyourself in some of those
stories you read.
Brad Quillen (06:14):
Yeah, I think it's a collective work because
there's so many differentstories that make their way into
the book, because of what we'veheard over here over the years.
Erin Nelson (06:23):
I think it's definitely a collective work,
it's even we pulled ourvolunteers and we asked for
input and there have been somany people over the years that
have made the work of Jessica'sHouse possible.
And so for being able toreflect on what we've learned
from families, who are our verybest teachers, we always say
(06:46):
that the kids teach us the mostabout grief and grieving and how
to express and just thatauthentic experience.
And even if you've experienceda lot of loss, you could never
know what someone else'sexperience is.
You could never know whatsomeone else's experience is.
(07:07):
So being able to learn fromothers so that we could bring
the best kind of culmination ofdifferent experiences into
helping someone not feel quiteso alone.
Colleen Montague (07:17):
Different experiences and perspectives, I
would add to that.
Erin Nelson (07:22):
Absolutely, different personalities,
different ways of grieving.
Brad Quillen (07:26):
Erin, you mentioned loneliness, because we
hear that so much in group.
I feel like I'm the only one,but as you said earlier, 25
years ago, when you read thatbook, it's like you're not the
only one that she got it.
She got it because her husbanddied at something very similar.
Erin Nelson (07:43):
Yeah, it's such a relief when you learn, and I
think even for us at Jessica'sHouse, when families walk
through the door and they seeall of these other families that
are experiencing somethingsimilar.
It's such a relief, and all ofour groups here are according to
the way someone died or therelationship.
(08:03):
And so whenever we can talk tosomeone that has a similar
experience, there's somethingabout it.
It's just magic, just knowingthat there's someone else in the
world that has a similar way offeeling.
And it doesn't have to beexactly the same, but it's
somehow.
You can hold that together alittle bit more.
Brad Quillen (08:25):
And speaking of together you and Colleen wrote
this book together, going backand forth many weeks of
dedication and days of offsiteand just so many things and many
days where I'm sure the scriptgot thrown in the air and just
the frustrations of some ofthese things.
Will you walk us through justthat process of how you guys
(08:46):
pulled these things together andput together this collective
work from not only the familieshere but your own story and what
we've learned from familiesover the years?
Erin Nelson (08:54):
Yeah, you know, I think first we really looked at
the subjects that our parentsbrought up the most in group and
we wanted to address what theconcerns that we hear from
parents the most.
So we really started there andstarted brainstorming about what
chapters should be in the book.
(09:16):
And then just in my own personalexperience of loss, like you
mentioned, I had done somereally just blogging, especially
after Carter died, about myexperience with grief and what
it felt like for me to lose achild, and so I did a little bit
of memoir in the beginningbecause whether that was my loss
(09:39):
of my mom or with Tyler, withCarter, just kind of touching
different losses and then goingfrom that to a really practical
way to come alongside a parentand help them come alongside
their child.
The other thing is just theexpression.
We've talked so much here onthis podcast about feeling these
(10:02):
emotions of grief andexpressing it the way we feel it
, and so we wanted to at the endof the book provide parents
ways to facilitate expressionwith their children, so all
different ways that we do thatso here at Jessica's House,
because every time we have grouplike we come together and
(10:23):
there's some type of expressiveactivity that we do.
So we had all of that here atJessica's house, and so we were
able to just write a lot ofthose activities as a resource
for parents to help theirchildren.
Brad Quillen (10:36):
And some parents are listening to this, thinking,
man, I need some of those and,like you said, they're at the
end of each chapter and numerousthings, not just one.
The end of each chapter andnumerous things, not just one,
but numerous ways to engage andto give your child a chance to
express some of the thingsthey're feeling on the inside
that they themselves might notbe able to verbally say or put
out there.
Erin Nelson (10:57):
Yeah, I think those and coping skills and just
different ways that we canreally just begin to feel a
little bit better in our bodyand how do we take care of
ourselves.
So it's just a lot of practicalguidance that is gentle,
because we don't know.
We're coming from a place ofletting the parent be the expert
(11:18):
in not only their grief but inthe way they want to come
alongside their child.
So we're just offering a lot ofdifferent choices and
opportunities.
Brad Quillen (11:29):
Colleen, can you walk us through and tell us a
little bit how you guys puttogether the chapters and some
of the input and just some ofthose favorite parts of the
process for you and this was acouple-year process, not just a
few months but what were some ofthose that stood out to you?
Colleen Montague (11:44):
As Erin mentioned, as we decided what
topics needed to be in the book,we would decide who would take
a quote unquote first pass.
You want to take a first passat that, and so then one of us
would go and do that and thenshare it with the other, and
then they would then touch thatchapter, and it was just that
way.
That was kind of our cadencethat we found worked for us, the
(12:06):
back and forth, over and over.
We have read these chapters inthis book so many times, and
because that's how it comes tobe, you know, it's that first
draft that you just get out onpaper, but then, as there's this
analogy about a statue, it'salways there, you know, in the
(12:31):
stone.
You just have to chisel it awayto discover what is actually
already there, and so that'sreally what the book process
writing was like for us.
Erin Nelson (12:40):
It was so nice to write it together and to have
someone else to just hold itwith us and someone we also had
key volunteers and people thathave mentored us over the years
that were our first readers, andso we would write a chapter and
send it out and get theirthoughts and critiques and these
are even grievers that have hadtheir personal experience.
(13:04):
So hearing their thoughts andsome reflections that they had
were really helpful to give ussome insight and even helped us
in the editing process as well.
So, Brad, when you mentioned acollective effort, it really was
such a collective effort fromJessica's House, with our
families and volunteers, and somuch of just our combined
(13:28):
experience.
Brad Quillen (13:30):
And even I know at staff, it was sent out all
through the staff of Jessica'sHouse with thoughts and stories
and illustrations and all thosethings that came together to to
be this book When Grief ComesHome.
Hey, collectively, so much wentinto this, but there's also
been a little bit of acollective lie on all of our
parts in this book.
(13:50):
True, and after the break,Colleen, we're going to set it
straight.
Yes, yes, sir, this collectivelie that we've all been saying.
Colleen Montague (13:57):
I have a confession.
Brad Quillen (13:58):
Yes, About the elephant.
Colleen Montague (14:01):
In the room.
Brad Quillen (14:02):
And with that we'll be back after the break.
Gary Shriver (14:04):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(14:27):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media,and if you have any questions
(14:48):
or topics that you'd like us toexplore in a future episode,
just send us an email to info@jessicashouseorg.
Brad Quillen (14:57):
So, as we went to break, we were telling you about
a big lie that has happened onthe podcast that we've come to
realize.
But before we do that, I justwant to remind you.
The book is out there on allmajor retailers today When Grief
Comes Home, and it might not besomething you need right now,
but you might know someone thatneeds it and you can order it
and send it to them as well.
Back to the lie, Colleen, onthis podcast, you need to tell
(15:22):
the people the truth about theelephant.
Colleen Montague (15:27):
Yes, listeners of the podcast, I have a
confession.
I didn't purposely lie to you,it was very innocent.
I don't know why I thoughtelephants were pregnant for
three years, but I really did,and when Erin and I started this
process and we got the bookcontract, it ended up this whole
(15:48):
process has, from start tofinish, been three years.
So I told Erin it's like howlong an elephant is pregnant for
.
So, friends, we have talkedabout that together multiple
times about our little babyelephant.
Brad Quillen (16:04):
It's been like the last year you've been
mentioning it.
Erin Nelson (16:06):
We had our first photo after we signed our
contract.
We did it with a little babyelephant, and so we've been
talking about this three yearprocess of their gestational
period.
Colleen Montague (16:18):
Yes, and for some reason it started to eat at
me, and so I thought about twomonths ago, I thought, hm?
Erin Nelson (16:25):
Because you heard a sermon, a little message at a
writer's conference and he saidmake sure that you always fact
check everything that you say
Colleen Montague (16:38):
.
.
.
because you are speaking to theworld, so you need to speak in
truth.
And that's when I started tothink well, gosh, you know, let
me just fact check this realfast.
And friends of the podcast,elephants are not pregnant for
three years, they are pregnant,I'm not even going to say how
long they're pregnant forbecause I'll probably get it
wrong again.
Brad Quillen (16:57):
I would like to know the truth.
What is the truth?
Erin Nelson (16:59):
Is it 22 months?
Colleen Montague (17:00):
It's like, yeah, it's about 22-ish months,
but guys, guess, guess, guesswhat is pregnant for three years
?
A really ugly shark, whichwe're not going to talk about
any further because I don't wantthat branding.
Brad Quillen (17:12):
So you get the shark and the elephants mixed up
in your life is what we'regetting to.
Colleen Montague (17:16):
I guess so.
And so, as Erin wisely told me,she was very gracious and I
confessed to Erin immediatelyand I said, Erin, I lied to the
whole country.
Elephants aren't pregnant forthree years.
And then she said, well, youlied to the world, because the
world's listening to this.
And so we giggled and she justsaid, Colleen, we're heart girls
(17:37):
, not number girls.
And so, moving forward, I willnever give number facts on this
podcast again.
Brad Quillen (17:45):
Someone write that down.
Well, it does reach the world,because the podcast has hit in
over 15 countries around theworld.
Colleen Montague (17:53):
It sure has.
Brad Quillen (17:55):
Well, Colleen, I hope you feel a weight lifted.
Colleen Montague (17:58):
I do.
Brad Quillen (18:00):
Now that we've told the truth.
I do Thanks, I thought, threeyears for pregnancy for elephant
was a little off, but I nevergoogled it or checked it.
I just went with the theprogram.
Colleen Montague (18:12):
Well, in the future, you guys are always
allowed to question when I spoutoff numerical facts.
Brad Quillen (18:18):
Well, that, or any veterinarian facts, I'm going
to check with you from here onout.
Colleen Montague (18:21):
Yeah, I'm not a zoologist guys, I'm going to
stay in my lane.
Brad Quillen (18:24):
So back back to the book and can you guys share
a bit about the process that youwalk through to write and your
favorite things of the writingprocess?
Erin Nelson (18:36):
I have to say that I don't think either one of us
ever thought that writing a bookabout grief would just be kind
of fun, and you know we had areally good time.
Writing this book is just kindof our own chemistry together
and being co-authors and holdingsomething together.
(18:56):
That is a really tough subjectright, and we both brought
different strengths to the table.
And I'm kind of an early girl,like to get up really early in
the morning and that's when I dolike I like to write and just
when my brain is working thevery best and I think really
just always envisioning ourreaders and remembering back to
(19:21):
fresh grief and what that feltlike and imagining them and just
watching the sunrise and justwriting from my heart to theirs
to just whatever it might bethat they may need as we explore
different kind of subjects thatare common for those people
that are grieving.
And so I think that was myfavorite part of writing just
(19:44):
those early mornings.
Colleen Montague (19:46):
I was surprised by my favorite part,
which was the editing phase,where we had our manuscript done
about four months before it wasdue, and so from that point on
we went into a heavy editingphase and then, even after
turning in the manuscript andgetting it back, there were
several rounds of back and forthedits with our publisher, and
(20:07):
it was so fun to just moveparagraphs around and sentences
around and restructure chaptersa little bit and switch out
words that you know weren't asstrong as we thought when we
wrote them initially.
And so early in the process,Erin and I heard that writing a
book is a little bit like finewine you have to let it age and
(20:29):
breathe, and that's really whatthat process was like for us,
and I really enjoyed it.
Erin Nelson (20:34):
Yeah, it was so fun to just go back and kind of
look at just different choicesthat we made and really be
thoughtful about what our readermight need.
And I don't think you ever feeldone with a book and just being
able to kind of surrender itinto the world at some point
(20:56):
where you just say, okay, likeit's the best it's going to be
and we hope that it will behelpful to our reader.
Colleen Montague (21:05):
I know Erin and I are both very hesitant to
even look at it.
Now we have the final copy inour hands before launch and I
haven't read it because I'm Iguess I know there's going to be
things that we would alreadywant to add to it.
You know there's already newthings we've learned or
experienced, and so yeah, Erin,it's just it is a moment in time
of what we knew then and that'sreally a treasure in a lot of
(21:30):
ways.
Brad Quillen (21:31):
I know we've been having a lot of fun and laughing
here today, but in all honesty,there's so much in this book
for readers and even forcommunities.
Erin, what are some ways thatpeople can use this book in
their community that they mightnot be thinking about?
Erin Nelson (21:44):
Yeah, Brad, I think as readers come together, you
know we like just like Colleenand I talked about just writing
the book together.
You know, when you can grievetogether, you can read a book
together, you can spend timetogether there are discussion
questions at the end of everychapter, and so, bringing a
group of people together, we inthe future plan to offer some
(22:10):
online kind of just gatheringswhere we can come together with
our listeners, with our readers,and just have a little time
together where we can talk aboutsome of those discussion
questions and answer questionsthat our readers and listeners
may have, and so we just hopethat it will be such a practical
(22:30):
help to those who need it.
Brad Quillen (22:32):
Erin, there's people that are listening that
would love to just see if thisis something for them.
Is there a way for them to geta sample?
Erin Nelson (22:39):
Yeah, we have a free chapter, and so it's the
very first chapter.
So if our listeners would justsimply write to info@
jessicashouseorg, we will sendyou a free chapter.
Brad Quillen (22:53):
It's as simple as that.
There's no hidden strings, justinfo@ jessicashouseorg.
Erin Nelson (22:58):
That's right.
Brad Quillen (22:59):
So, Erin, I'm going to ask you to close this
out, as you will find, in theback of many of the chapters of
the book, a blessing, and if youwould share a blessing as we
wrap up this podcast, I thinkthat'd be a treat
Erin Nelson (23:12):
Yeah go ahead and take a blessing that's written
at the end of one of thechapters and it says, "ay the
divine light help you findyourself, the part of you that
is yet to be.
Yes, you are shrouded indarkness now, your light dimly
lit, but there is a spark andthe who of you, the true of you,
(23:34):
is becoming.
"
Gary Shriver (23:37):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(23:59):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(24:21):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time for When
Grief Comes Home.
Hello and welcome to when Grief Comes Home, a
podcast dedicated to parentsliving through loss while
supporting their child.
Let's meet the team.
Erin Nelson (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at
Jessica's House.
Colleen Montague (00:15):
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, program
director for Jessica's House anda licensed marriage and family
therapist.
Brad Quillen (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When
Grief Comes Home.
Gary Shriver (00:25):
This podcast goes along with a book of the same
name.
The book when Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
who are grieving a partner orchild, while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers.
(00:47):
Now let's go to the team, asthey share grief resources and
coping skills, heartfelt storiesand insights to support parents
as they raise children who aregrieving.
Together, you'll find strengthas we learn to live with loss
and find ways to heal.
Brad Quillen (01:01):
Today, we're talking about something special.
This is a special bonus podcastbecause today Jessica's House
launches a book When Grief ComesHome is out on all major
retailers today, as you listento this podcast.
Erin, our executive director,and Colleen, our program
director, over the last numberof years have put together a
(01:22):
tremendous resource for familiesthat have lost a spouse or a
child, and today we want to talkabout that just a little bit.
Erin, this has been a labor oflove for you for decades.
I'm going to tell people,because this was something that
started after Tyler died,because you read a book about a
month after Tyler died youshared with me that helped you
(01:44):
so much in your time of need.
Erin Nelson (01:47):
It's true, Brad, I read a book and I heard someone
speak and they had a losssimilar to mine and it really
just ignited something in myheart to have a little piece of
hope that someday I might beable to come alongside someone
else someday, and it reallyincited just a dream I had to
(02:12):
someday write a book.
Brad Quillen (02:14):
I know we hear often the loneliness piece.
Erin Nelson (02:17):
Yes.
Brad Quillen (02:17):
So in that first month right after Tyler dies in
a plane crash, and this book wasabout a spouse that died in a
plane crash, which was exactlywhat happened to you.
That loneliness somewhatdiminishes because you're
reading a book of someone that'sgone through something so
similar to you.
Erin Nelson (02:33):
Yes, it was everything.
It's almost like it's a key toyour heart that nobody else has,
and she spoke my feelings.
And she spoke my feelings and Ihad never experienced that
before and just to hear someonetalk about a very unique way,
that someone died, and I didn'tknow anyone else in my life that
(02:57):
had experienced anything likethat.
So being able to read and hearher words, it gave me a lot of
hope.
Brad Quillen (03:04):
Yeah, in a time that was very desolate.
Erin Nelson (03:08):
It's true, yeah, in a time I felt very alone.
Yeah.
Brad Quillen (03:11):
Erin, I know over the years you've written posts
on social media and I've hadpeople say to me a lot Erin
needs to write, Erin needs towrite.
So this has been a projectthat's been going in you and
through you for years but kindof came to a culmination, to
where you finally started toattend seminars and conferences
(03:31):
on actually putting together abook.
Erin Nelson (03:34):
Yeah, about 20 years ago I was part of a
writer's group and we wouldbring our writing and just share
it with each other and do somecritiquing together, and that
was a really important time ofmy life.
That was right before Jessica'sHouse was launched and in many
ways, I was just getting readyto launch Jessica's House and
(03:55):
trying to figure out what ourcommunity needed and being able
to be part of that.
I met someone who was an agentat an agency for authors and
then just fast forward, just afew years ago that I saw her at
a book conference and I was ableto connect with our agent,
(04:19):
Wendy Lawton, and she reallybelieved in this project and it
meant so much to me.
Brad Quillen (04:25):
And people might be asking well, 20 years ago,
but now it's 20 years later, butyou started Jessica's House,
this grief center that we sit intoday, that helps hundreds and
hundreds of kids here in theCentral Valley of California.
You kind of had to put the bookwriting on the back burner, but
now you've had some space towrite and Colleen came on staff
and you guys were able to kindof start putting this together
and Colleen, t here's someunique pieces of this book that
(04:49):
supports parents and children.
Do you want to take a coupleminutes and just kind of address
some of those and share thosewith those that are listening?
Colleen Montague (04:55):
There are a lot of books out there on grief
that are written to an adult whois grieving, or to an adult for
how to support their childwho's grieving, and so what
makes our book unique is that itactually does both in one.
It's written to the parent whois grieving and speaks to them
(05:18):
and offers a little bit ofwisdom, if you will, just from
the experiences we've had andwe've seen and learned from, but
it also helps the parents knowhow to support their child who's
grieving, and so that's whatmakes our book very unique.
The other part of our book thatI appreciate is that you're not
just reading the experience ofonly Erin or only myself, but we
(05:44):
weave in the stories, thehundreds of stories we've heard
over the years of supportingfamilies, into the book as well.
So really you're hearing theexperiences of so many because,
as we know, everybody'sexperience is different.
Everybody's grief, looks andfeels different, and so I'm
(06:07):
grateful that we were able to dothat in the book, because you
might be more able to findyourself in some of those
stories you read.
Brad Quillen (06:14):
Yeah, I think it's a collective work because
there's so many differentstories that make their way into
the book, because of what we'veheard over here over the years.
Erin Nelson (06:23):
I think it's definitely a collective work,
it's even we pulled ourvolunteers and we asked for
input and there have been somany people over the years that
have made the work of Jessica'sHouse possible.
And so for being able toreflect on what we've learned
from families, who are our verybest teachers, we always say
(06:46):
that the kids teach us the mostabout grief and grieving and how
to express and just thatauthentic experience.
And even if you've experienceda lot of loss, you could never
know what someone else'sexperience is.
You could never know whatsomeone else's experience is.
(07:07):
So being able to learn fromothers so that we could bring
the best kind of culmination ofdifferent experiences into
helping someone not feel quiteso alone.
Colleen Montague (07:17):
Different experiences and perspectives, I
would add to that.
Erin Nelson (07:22):
Absolutely, different personalities,
different ways of grieving.
Brad Quillen (07:26):
Erin, you mentioned loneliness, because we
hear that so much in group.
I feel like I'm the only one,but as you said earlier, 25
years ago, when you read thatbook, it's like you're not the
only one that she got it.
She got it because her husbanddied at something very similar.
Erin Nelson (07:43):
Yeah, it's such a relief when you learn, and I
think even for us at Jessica'sHouse, when families walk
through the door and they seeall of these other families that
are experiencing somethingsimilar.
It's such a relief, and all ofour groups here are according to
the way someone died or therelationship.
(08:03):
And so whenever we can talk tosomeone that has a similar
experience, there's somethingabout it.
It's just magic, just knowingthat there's someone else in the
world that has a similar way offeeling.
And it doesn't have to beexactly the same, but it's
somehow.
You can hold that together alittle bit more.
Brad Quillen (08:25):
And speaking of together you and Colleen wrote
this book together, going backand forth many weeks of
dedication and days of offsiteand just so many things and many
days where I'm sure the scriptgot thrown in the air and just
the frustrations of some ofthese things.
Will you walk us through justthat process of how you guys
(08:46):
pulled these things together andput together this collective
work from not only the familieshere but your own story and what
we've learned from familiesover the years?
Erin Nelson (08:54):
Yeah, you know, I think first we really looked at
the subjects that our parentsbrought up the most in group and
we wanted to address what theconcerns that we hear from
parents the most.
So we really started there andstarted brainstorming about what
chapters should be in the book.
(09:16):
And then just in my own personalexperience of loss, like you
mentioned, I had done somereally just blogging, especially
after Carter died, about myexperience with grief and what
it felt like for me to lose achild, and so I did a little bit
of memoir in the beginningbecause whether that was my loss
(09:39):
of my mom or with Tyler, withCarter, just kind of touching
different losses and then goingfrom that to a really practical
way to come alongside a parentand help them come alongside
their child.
The other thing is just theexpression.
We've talked so much here onthis podcast about feeling these
(10:02):
emotions of grief andexpressing it the way we feel it
, and so we wanted to at the endof the book provide parents
ways to facilitate expressionwith their children, so all
different ways that we do thatso here at Jessica's House,
because every time we have grouplike we come together and
(10:23):
there's some type of expressiveactivity that we do.
So we had all of that here atJessica's house, and so we were
able to just write a lot ofthose activities as a resource
for parents to help theirchildren.
Brad Quillen (10:36):
And some parents are listening to this, thinking,
man, I need some of those and,like you said, they're at the
end of each chapter and numerousthings, not just one.
The end of each chapter andnumerous things, not just one,
but numerous ways to engage andto give your child a chance to
express some of the thingsthey're feeling on the inside
that they themselves might notbe able to verbally say or put
out there.
Erin Nelson (10:57):
Yeah, I think those and coping skills and just
different ways that we canreally just begin to feel a
little bit better in our bodyand how do we take care of
ourselves.
So it's just a lot of practicalguidance that is gentle,
because we don't know.
We're coming from a place ofletting the parent be the expert
(11:18):
in not only their grief but inthe way they want to come
alongside their child.
So we're just offering a lot ofdifferent choices and
opportunities.
Brad Quillen (11:29):
Colleen, can you walk us through and tell us a
little bit how you guys puttogether the chapters and some
of the input and just some ofthose favorite parts of the
process for you and this was acouple-year process, not just a
few months but what were some ofthose that stood out to you?
Colleen Montague (11:44):
As Erin mentioned, as we decided what
topics needed to be in the book,we would decide who would take
a quote unquote first pass.
You want to take a first passat that, and so then one of us
would go and do that and thenshare it with the other, and
then they would then touch thatchapter, and it was just that
way.
That was kind of our cadencethat we found worked for us, the
(12:06):
back and forth, over and over.
We have read these chapters inthis book so many times, and
because that's how it comes tobe, you know, it's that first
draft that you just get out onpaper, but then, as there's this
analogy about a statue, it'salways there, you know, in the
(12:31):
stone.
You just have to chisel it awayto discover what is actually
already there, and so that'sreally what the book process
writing was like for us.
Erin Nelson (12:40):
It was so nice to write it together and to have
someone else to just hold itwith us and someone we also had
key volunteers and people thathave mentored us over the years
that were our first readers, andso we would write a chapter and
send it out and get theirthoughts and critiques and these
are even grievers that have hadtheir personal experience.
(13:04):
So hearing their thoughts andsome reflections that they had
were really helpful to give ussome insight and even helped us
in the editing process as well.
So, Brad, when you mentioned acollective effort, it really was
such a collective effort fromJessica's House, with our
families and volunteers, and somuch of just our combined
(13:28):
experience.
Brad Quillen (13:30):
And even I know at staff, it was sent out all
through the staff of Jessica'sHouse with thoughts and stories
and illustrations and all thosethings that came together to to
be this book When Grief ComesHome.
Hey, collectively, so much wentinto this, but there's also
been a little bit of acollective lie on all of our
parts in this book.
(13:50):
True, and after the break,Colleen, we're going to set it
straight.
Yes, yes, sir, this collectivelie that we've all been saying.
Colleen Montague (13:57):
I have a confession.
Brad Quillen (13:58):
Yes, About the elephant.
Colleen Montague (14:01):
In the room.
Brad Quillen (14:02):
And with that we'll be back after the break.
Gary Shriver (14:04):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(14:27):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media,and if you have any questions
(14:48):
or topics that you'd like us toexplore in a future episode,
just send us an email to info@jessicashouseorg.
Brad Quillen (14:57):
So, as we went to break, we were telling you about
a big lie that has happened onthe podcast that we've come to
realize.
But before we do that, I justwant to remind you.
The book is out there on allmajor retailers today When Grief
Comes Home, and it might not besomething you need right now,
but you might know someone thatneeds it and you can order it
and send it to them as well.
Back to the lie, Colleen, onthis podcast, you need to tell
(15:22):
the people the truth about theelephant.
Colleen Montague (15:27):
Yes, listeners of the podcast, I have a
confession.
I didn't purposely lie to you,it was very innocent.
I don't know why I thoughtelephants were pregnant for
three years, but I really did,and when Erin and I started this
process and we got the bookcontract, it ended up this whole
(15:48):
process has, from start tofinish, been three years.
So I told Erin it's like howlong an elephant is pregnant for
.
So, friends, we have talkedabout that together multiple
times about our little babyelephant.
Brad Quillen (16:04):
It's been like the last year you've been
mentioning it.
Erin Nelson (16:06):
We had our first photo after we signed our
contract.
We did it with a little babyelephant, and so we've been
talking about this three yearprocess of their gestational
period.
Colleen Montague (16:18):
Yes, and for some reason it started to eat at
me, and so I thought about twomonths ago, I thought, hm?
Erin Nelson (16:25):
Because you heard a sermon, a little message at a
writer's conference and he saidmake sure that you always fact
check everything that you say
Colleen Montague (16:38):
.
.
.
because you are speaking to theworld, so you need to speak in
truth.
And that's when I started tothink well, gosh, you know, let
me just fact check this realfast.
And friends of the podcast,elephants are not pregnant for
three years, they are pregnant,I'm not even going to say how
long they're pregnant forbecause I'll probably get it
wrong again.
Brad Quillen (16:57):
I would like to know the truth.
What is the truth?
Erin Nelson (16:59):
Is it 22 months?
Colleen Montague (17:00):
It's like, yeah, it's about 22-ish months,
but guys, guess, guess, guesswhat is pregnant for three years
?
A really ugly shark, whichwe're not going to talk about
any further because I don't wantthat branding.
Brad Quillen (17:12):
So you get the shark and the elephants mixed up
in your life is what we'regetting to.
Colleen Montague (17:16):
I guess so.
And so, as Erin wisely told me,she was very gracious and I
confessed to Erin immediatelyand I said, Erin, I lied to the
whole country.
Elephants aren't pregnant forthree years.
And then she said, well, youlied to the world, because the
world's listening to this.
And so we giggled and she justsaid, Colleen, we're heart girls
(17:37):
, not number girls.
And so, moving forward, I willnever give number facts on this
podcast again.
Brad Quillen (17:45):
Someone write that down.
Well, it does reach the world,because the podcast has hit in
over 15 countries around theworld.
Colleen Montague (17:53):
It sure has.
Brad Quillen (17:55):
Well, Colleen, I hope you feel a weight lifted.
Colleen Montague (17:58):
I do.
Brad Quillen (18:00):
Now that we've told the truth.
I do Thanks, I thought, threeyears for pregnancy for elephant
was a little off, but I nevergoogled it or checked it.
I just went with the theprogram.
Colleen Montague (18:12):
Well, in the future, you guys are always
allowed to question when I spoutoff numerical facts.
Brad Quillen (18:18):
Well, that, or any veterinarian facts, I'm going
to check with you from here onout.
Colleen Montague (18:21):
Yeah, I'm not a zoologist guys, I'm going to
stay in my lane.
Brad Quillen (18:24):
So back back to the book and can you guys share
a bit about the process that youwalk through to write and your
favorite things of the writingprocess?
Erin Nelson (18:36):
I have to say that I don't think either one of us
ever thought that writing a bookabout grief would just be kind
of fun, and you know we had areally good time.
Writing this book is just kindof our own chemistry together
and being co-authors and holdingsomething together.
(18:56):
That is a really tough subjectright, and we both brought
different strengths to the table.
And I'm kind of an early girl,like to get up really early in
the morning and that's when I dolike I like to write and just
when my brain is working thevery best and I think really
just always envisioning ourreaders and remembering back to
(19:21):
fresh grief and what that feltlike and imagining them and just
watching the sunrise and justwriting from my heart to theirs
to just whatever it might bethat they may need as we explore
different kind of subjects thatare common for those people
that are grieving.
And so I think that was myfavorite part of writing just
(19:44):
those early mornings.
Colleen Montague (19:46):
I was surprised by my favorite part,
which was the editing phase,where we had our manuscript done
about four months before it wasdue, and so from that point on
we went into a heavy editingphase and then, even after
turning in the manuscript andgetting it back, there were
several rounds of back and forthedits with our publisher, and
(20:07):
it was so fun to just moveparagraphs around and sentences
around and restructure chaptersa little bit and switch out
words that you know weren't asstrong as we thought when we
wrote them initially.
And so early in the process,Erin and I heard that writing a
book is a little bit like finewine you have to let it age and
(20:29):
breathe, and that's really whatthat process was like for us,
and I really enjoyed it.
Erin Nelson (20:34):
Yeah, it was so fun to just go back and kind of
look at just different choicesthat we made and really be
thoughtful about what our readermight need.
And I don't think you ever feeldone with a book and just being
able to kind of surrender itinto the world at some point
(20:56):
where you just say, okay, likeit's the best it's going to be
and we hope that it will behelpful to our reader.
Colleen Montague (21:05):
I know Erin and I are both very hesitant to
even look at it.
Now we have the final copy inour hands before launch and I
haven't read it because I'm Iguess I know there's going to be
things that we would alreadywant to add to it.
You know there's already newthings we've learned or
experienced, and so yeah, Erin,it's just it is a moment in time
of what we knew then and that'sreally a treasure in a lot of
(21:30):
ways.
Brad Quillen (21:31):
I know we've been having a lot of fun and laughing
here today, but in all honesty,there's so much in this book
for readers and even forcommunities.
Erin, what are some ways thatpeople can use this book in
their community that they mightnot be thinking about?
Erin Nelson (21:44):
Yeah, Brad, I think as readers come together, you
know we like just like Colleenand I talked about just writing
the book together.
You know, when you can grievetogether, you can read a book
together, you can spend timetogether there are discussion
questions at the end of everychapter, and so, bringing a
group of people together, we inthe future plan to offer some
(22:10):
online kind of just gatheringswhere we can come together with
our listeners, with our readers,and just have a little time
together where we can talk aboutsome of those discussion
questions and answer questionsthat our readers and listeners
may have, and so we just hopethat it will be such a practical
(22:30):
help to those who need it.
Brad Quillen (22:32):
Erin, there's people that are listening that
would love to just see if thisis something for them.
Is there a way for them to geta sample?
Erin Nelson (22:39):
Yeah, we have a free chapter, and so it's the
very first chapter.
So if our listeners would justsimply write to info@
jessicashouseorg, we will sendyou a free chapter.
Brad Quillen (22:53):
It's as simple as that.
There's no hidden strings, justinfo@ jessicashouseorg.
Erin Nelson (22:58):
That's right.
Brad Quillen (22:59):
So, Erin, I'm going to ask you to close this
out, as you will find, in theback of many of the chapters of
the book, a blessing, and if youwould share a blessing as we
wrap up this podcast, I thinkthat'd be a treat
Erin Nelson (23:12):
Yeah go ahead and take a blessing that's written
at the end of one of thechapters and it says, "ay the
divine light help you findyourself, the part of you that
is yet to be.
Yes, you are shrouded indarkness now, your light dimly
lit, but there is a spark andthe who of you, the true of you,
(23:34):
is becoming.
"
Gary Shriver (23:37):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(23:59):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(24:21):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time for When
Grief Comes Home.
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