February 25, 2025 • 34 mins
Welcome to the When Grief Comes Home podcast. We're glad you're here. This podcast supports parents who are grieving a spouse, partner, or child while helping their children who are living through the loss of a parent or sibling. With personal grief stories and professional guidance, we offer parents practical tips for supporting their child who is grieving while caring for their own grief.
When your child loses their parent, they often experience a compromised sense of safety. They may wonder if something else bad might happen and even worry about their surviving parent’s health and well being. In this episode we explore how to support your child and help bring security and comfort after the death of their parent.
We offer insights and resources on how to support your child after the death of their parent with ideas on how to explain death to your child.
Please subscribe to the When Grief Comes Home podcast and leave us a review. The more stars, reviews, and downloads the show receives, the more parents and families in grief can find support.
Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L
For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Gary Shriver (00:00):
Hello and welcome to when Grief Comes Home, a
podcast dedicated to parentsliving through loss while
supporting their child.
Let's meet the team.
Erin Nelson (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at
Jessica's House.
Colleen Montague (00:15):
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, program
director for Jessica's House anda licensed marriage and family
therapist.
Brad Quillen (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When
Grief Comes Home.
Gary Shriver (00:25):
This podcast goes along with a book of the same
name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
who are grieving a partner orchild, while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers.
(00:47):
Now let's go to the team, asthey share grief resources and
coping skills, heartfelt storiesand insights to support parents
as they raise children who aregrieving.
Together, you'll find strengthas we learn to live with loss
and find ways to heal.
Brad Quillen (01:01):
Hello, hello, it's Brad from Jessica's House.
Today on the podcast, we'regoing to be talking about ways
to support your child after thedeath of their parent.
The majority of the familiesthat come to Jessica's House
have experienced the death of aparent.
Today, we'll share with yousome of those ideas and lessons
we've learned over the years.
Hey, Erin, Colleen, we are backtalking about supporting your
(01:21):
child after the death of aparent.
Last segment or last podcast,we talked about when there's
been a death of a spouse or apartner, and that kind of goes
along with what we're talkingabout today, because now we have
kids that we're supporting athome and so, as we think of some
of those things that happen alot of the times we hear at
Jessica's House because that'sour biggest population, are kids
(01:43):
that have lost a parent thatattend Jessica's House, we hear
a couple of things, and one ofthe first ones we hear is
security that kids don't feel assafe.
That the world's not as safeafter their parent dies.
And the second thing we'regoing to get to a little later
in the podcast are some of thebehaviors that come because of
the grief and just the actingout.
But Erin, would you mindsharing a little bit about after
(02:04):
when Tyler died, just some ofthose safety and security things
that you felt and realized evenwith your own kiddos?
Erin Nelson (02:10):
I noticed that after Tyler died, we all felt
just a compromised kind offeeling of safety in the world
and it was the first loss that Ihad ever had and my kids were
really feeling that as well andjust the insecurities, I think,
just the security of having twoparents in the home and kind of
(02:34):
rhythms and routines that we had, and then not having him in the
home and how he was a source ofcomfort for them and a source
of security, and now, withouthis physical presence anymore,
there was just this sense ofinsecurity.
Even in child care, if I wouldleave, at times he was there,
(02:55):
and so I noticed a lot moreseparation anxiety with the kids
when I would leave, with thekids when I would leave, and so
I just think that there was sucha compromised feeling of
security and just that overallsense that something was missing
.
Brad Quillen (03:12):
And I think we feel that, boy, this is a
problem.
But I don't think it is aproblem, I think it's more
natural, because they were thereyesterday, but today they're
gone right and that physicalpresence is no longer.
And you also, your kids, werefive and three when Tyler
yesterday, but when your momdied, your sister immediately
(03:35):
came to move in and live withyou because that's who she was
living with.
And there's even a securityissue with teenagers that we see
here at the house.
Erin Nelson (03:39):
Yeah, and when my mom died, you know, my sister
lost that comforter that she had, that close relationship that
she had with my mom, and eventhough I was her sister, there
was nothing I could do toreplace a mom.
A mom is just such afoundational relationship and
(03:59):
one that's really important in achild's life, and so being able
to just understand that I canonly show up as myself, like
whether that's a sister or a mom, I'm not a dad and I could
never replace what they had lost.
And as I was even grieving inmyself and I was processing all
(04:22):
the losses, I was aware of theirneed for kind of reconnection
in some ways, because they hadlost such big connections in
their life with either a dad ora mom.
And so it was just such animportant time, and something
that I noticed helped them wasjust time together and just
(04:44):
sitting with them and justtrying to stay as close as we
could, and even if it meant thatyou know, the kids that first
year just slept right next to meand we just had a lot of time
together and we tried to juststay as stable as possible.
Brad Quillen (05:00):
Your sister and I led groups years and years ago,
over a decade together, and I'llnever forget we were in our mid
thirties probably, when we wereleading groups together and she
said to me one time in group,before kids had gotten to the
house that night you know, Brad,the older I get, the more I
realize I need my mom and my dad, and so there's just that truth
.
Like, even as we age, we stillneed mom and dad.
Erin Nelson (05:22):
Yeah, it's a relationship that's so important
and we miss them for the restof our lives.
Brad Quillen (05:28):
Yeah, it's forever .
Erin Nelson (05:29):
It's forever.
Brad Quillen (05:29):
Because they're always mom, they're always dad.
That's one of the things we sayhere at Jessica's House that
the life may have ended, therelationship goes forever yeah.
Colleen Montague (05:38):
Yeah.
Brad Quillen (05:39):
Hey and Colleen, we've been talking about control
a little bit and one of thethings that adults find hard
that's kind of in our control asadults or parents in these
realities is telling thechildren in our lives about how
someone may have died or justsome of the truth around the
scenarios.
What are some of those waysthat we can help give our kids
(06:03):
that information?
Colleen Montague (06:08):
During a time where they've lost so much
control, their safety bubble inthe world has been popped and,
of course, things that used tofeel promised to them are no
more the idea that they'llalways have that parent there
and so of course, they're goingto worry about the possibility,
the real possibility, that theycould lose you too, or they
(06:29):
could lose somebody else intheir life, and it's hard to
feel so out of control, and youmay be feeling like that too as
a parent.
I really liked what you said,Brad.
You said it's not a problemthat they feel this way or that
they're reacting this way,because these are all natural
responses to grief.
Brad Quillen (06:47):
It's the reality.
Colleen Montague (06:48):
Yeah it's a reaction to grief, and so
they're really on track.
You know that is not so much ofa surprise, and so one of the
things that you can do right nowis be that source of truth for
them with the questions they mayhave.
And it starts like with whatyou said, Erin, of just being
(07:13):
available and over-connectingwith them right now, checking in
with how they're doing withwhat questions they have,
answering those questions, thebest that you can.
One that we hear a lot withkids is that fear that you might
die too.
You know they may lose theirother parent, and so just
responding to that with as muchtruth as you can, you know, so
to tell them you know what areyou doing to try and keep
(07:34):
yourself healthy or safe, to tryto prevent something like that
from happening again.
Erin Nelson (07:38):
I think this really builds on some of what we've
talked about, which is tellingthe truth a lot of times, even
about how the person died andwhat happened when the person
died, and helping them reallylook to you as that person who
they can trust will tell themthe truth.
And a lot of times, just tomake those conversations easier,
(08:01):
you can do that by facilitatingthat you really want to know,
that you're really curious abouttheir questions and asking them
, continuing to check in withthem to say, well, what
questions do you have about whathappened to dad or mom?
And to lay that foundation,because you know, sometimes they
(08:21):
just may be naturally hesitant,because whenever someone's in
pain we kind of protect eachother.
It's just a natural part ofeven having relationships and in
a family in grief and so beingable to check in.
Something that we've talkedabout here at Jessica's House is
the word solar as an acronym.
It's like sitting down withyour child, just opening up your
(08:43):
posture, leaning in, making eyecontact and then relaxing your
body, and we've done even justbreathwork to you know for us as
parents when are supporting ourchild who's grieving, being
able to somehow calm our ownnervous system and find that
calm by taking a deep breath inand just letting your exhale be
(09:11):
longer than your inhale beforeyou have these conversations, as
you're talking to your childand letting them know how much
you want to hear from them andthat there's any question at all
, anything that they want to ask, that you're here for it.
Brad Quillen (09:26):
And I'm going to ask you this, there will be
questions sometimes that you getasked and I want you to talk
about this for a second, Erin, Idon't know, but before you do
that I want to say if you'relistening today and you're
trying to figure out how do Itell my kid, I just want you to
know there's a number ofresources at jessicashouse.
org under our resource tab towhere you can find ways and
(09:48):
helps and how to share thatinformation with your child.
But, Erin, it's okay to say Idon't know to some of their
questions because you might nothonestly know all the details.
Erin Nelson (09:59):
You might not know all the details.
Sometimes you learn detailslater.
I mean there are some reportsthat come out later even from
the coroner they take time andyou may not have all the answers
, but you can say like when Ifind out, I want to share it
with you and being able to sharemore details along the way, and
(10:19):
just again you're sitting downwith them again.
This is a process thatcontinues as you just talk to
your child about the truth.
Colleen Montague (10:30):
And I would also caution that we have to do
it in a language that meets thedevelopmental level they're in.
And so we're going to talk to athree-year-old about how their
parent died a lot differentlythan we would talk to a
13-year-old, and so there's alot that a six year old, for
example, can't understand orthat's too much to hold for
(10:51):
their mind, but we could usethat language to our 16 year old
, and so just you know, puttingthat in there too is important.
Brad Quillen (10:59):
So to both of you, I can imagine someone's
listening right now after wejust talked about solar, which
we teach here and I believe in,and trying to be calm, to sit
down to tell our kids or childwhat's happened and have
conversation in a calm manner,but they're saying I can't keep
it together.
How in the world do I sit andtry and hold it together to
(11:22):
answer their questions, whenevery time I think about it,
even in the midst of listeningto this podcast, I'm crying as I
listen?
Colleen Montague (11:28):
Yeah, you might not be in a spot.
We never know when our kids areready for us and when they are
ready for those conversations,how we're actually going to be
doing.
And check in with yourselffirst before you answer.
If you're not in a good headspace where you feel like you
can have a conversation withthem in a way that is helpful to
both.
Ask them for a pause.
Erin Nelson (11:48):
Yeah, and it's okay to cry through it.
When you're crying, you'remodeling that for your child and
so being able to express as youfeel it, you know and as you go
along and just taking a momentto just say you know, right now
just feel like crying and it'sokay to cry, we are going to
(12:12):
sometimes just be sad.
And being able to express that,what is it authentically inside
of you?
And when your actual facematches what's going on inside?
Kids really know what's goingon inside of an adult.
They're so keen at kind offeeling something.
(12:34):
And when we're not beingauthentic, and I would say that
when you know, as you arecalming your own nervous system,
you're bringing more of anauthentic calm to that.
But you're also you might besad, and when everything matches
, your inside matches whatyou're showing and it just can
breed even more trust.
Brad Quillen (12:56):
I'm so glad you talked about crying in front of
our kids, because so many timesin group I will hear a parent
say you know, I don't want tocry in front of my kids.
And then when I used to do kidgroups, I'd hear the same thing
where teens would say I don'twant to cry with grandma or my
you know, grandma's taking,raising us now because mom died.
And or you know, I don't wantto talk about dad in front of my
mom and all these things and Ijust came up with and I've
(13:28):
mentioned this in the previouspodcasts, but we don't want to
pass our sadness to someonewe're talking about.
I call it the transference ofsad.
I don't know if that's really aterm or even proper, but kids
didn't want to give sadness tomom or mom didn't want to
because I'm crying in front ofmy kids, make them sad.
But I think it's great that youjust mentioned that this is how
I feel and this is what itmakes my body do when I think of
mom or dad now that they'vedied.
Colleen Montague (13:38):
And doesn't it just offer permission to your
child that it's okay to havethese big feelings, and you have
them too, and we're going tosit through them together.
It's okay for me to feelwhatever is going on inside
Brad Quillen (13:51):
We have big feelings as the adults too, as
the parents.
Colleen Montague (13:55):
You know, our own big feelings can be scary
for us too, you know, let alonefor our child.
And sometimes our child's bigfeelings are scary for us.
You know, going back again,Brad, to what you said, I liked
it so much.
Those behaviors are notproblematic.
They're not problems.
That is just grief expression.
That's how they're doing, andso, not being afraid of those
(14:16):
big feelings that they'reshowing you or that you're
feeling yourself.
Brad Quillen (14:22):
Behaviors are just another way of communicating
right?
Colleen Montague (14:25):
Yeah, and that true expression of those
feelings and moving those out ofour body.
You know, that's how we canwork towards healing.
Erin Nelson (14:40):
Something that I'm thinking about that brings up
feelings and worries for kidsthat they may not be able to
express, but it's on their minda lot, but a lot of times they
don't know how to bring it up totheir parent is the question
who will take care of me ifsomething happens to you?
And I know, Colleen, you talkeda little bit about creating
safety, and so something that'son the mind of children, and
(15:01):
they may not know how to bringit up to their parent, is the
question who will take care ofme if something happens to you?
So as you talk to your child,you may even need to prompt them
like, hey, I'm kind ofwondering what you're wondering.
You know, sometimes aftersomething like this happens,
kids may wonder like, who'lltake care of me if something
(15:22):
happens to my mom or dad?
And so, bringing that up, I wasworking with a child in group
who had it completely plannedbecause she had pets and she
knew that she was going to livewith her grandparents if
something happened to her mom.
But she was very worriedbecause her dogs didn't get
(15:43):
along with her grandparents'dogs and just thinking that she
had already thought about that,and so there might be some
additional questions your childhas.
So letting them know who willtake care of them and kind of
what the plan is where they'lllive.
Colleen Montague (16:01):
You might be worried that you're planting a
seed or an idea, but the realityis is they are already worried
about it.
Erin Nelson (16:08):
They're already worried about it, so being able
to ask those questions ahead oftime.
Another question they may askis will the same thing that
happened to my parent happen tosomeone else I love, like my
other parent or someone else, oreven to me?
Brad Quillen (16:26):
Who's next?
Erin Nelson (16:27):
Who is next?
And so as we think about that,we can say that that's a normal
fear, and to normalize that andmaybe you're the one bringing it
up and to say to get thatquestion out there, and then
when you do that, you can kindof talk a little bit about what
you're doing to keep yourselfhealthy and safe.
Something that we always talkabout at Jessica's House is it's
(16:52):
always a good idea to take yourchild to the pediatrician after
you know when they're grieving,and also go to the doctor
yourself for a checkup, and thenyou can communicate that to
your child.
Hey, I went to the doctor for acheckup and I want to do
everything I can do to keepmyself healthy, and so then they
can know, and then you can kindof have that conversation about
(17:16):
the fears that they may haveand also that we all might have,
right?
We have talked about this wherea child might, you know, have
something, the person died of adisease and maybe this
particular part of their body isbothering them and they think,
oh, maybe I have also that samedisease.
These are natural kinds of waysthat we grieve, to work through
(17:41):
some of those fears.
Colleen Montague (17:43):
Some unspoken worries that kids also have that
, I think, have really surprisedadults at times, that their
parents, is this fear that theymay have caused the death in
some way or attributed to it,and obviously that's not true.
But they really can takeownership of something that they
(18:03):
don't need to.
You know, we had a boy once whowas worried that he caused the
death of his dad because theyhad an argument a few days
before and the boy had yelled athis dad and he really thought
he caused his dad to have aheart attack a few days later.
Erin Nelson (18:20):
Yeah, so being able to say something like you know
there's nothing you can say tomake someone die, even if you
had these thoughts like, oh, I'mjust so mad at my dad or my mom
, you know, being able to say toyour child, even before they
ask the question, there'snothing you could have done or
could have said that could havecaused that person to die or
(18:42):
that could have kept them alive,and so being able to have that
conversation is so important.
Brad Quillen (18:48):
So these emotions are kind of floating and filling
kiddos.
Colleen, Erin, some of thekiddos that are having all these
feelings don't even know how tolabel what they're feeling or
give it a word, like when yourhusband died, when Tyler died,
your kids were five and three,and so for them to be able to
label what they're feeling ismuch harder than for us adults.
(19:09):
But there's teens that arelistening, that has teens and
they're trying to help themlabel what's going on inside.
So how do we do that as parents, even as we're grieving,
there's a lot of emotionsflowing around in us.
But how do we help our kidslabel what's on the inside?
Colleen Montague (19:24):
For the younger kids, I think there's so
many good books out there forthem to read or you to read to
them.
It's a great way to putthemselves into a story.
It's a little safer even whenthey're reading about a rabbit
and how they're feeling so angry, and it prompts such great
conversation just throughreading books.
(19:45):
So that's a great place that Iwould recommend starting with
and then, after you read thestory, it's a good way to just
segue like have you ever feltthat way?
When did you feel like that?
Erin Nelson (19:57):
Yeah, another tool that we've used at Jessica's
House and this is also availablein the book When Grief Co mes
Home is a feelings wheel, and soit's at the end of the book,
and so sometimes you can justreference that to see all kinds
of words and to see what mightdescribe how they feel.
And you know, and if whateverthey're feeling like, if sad was
(20:18):
a color like, what would whatwould that color be?
And if you could move in thatway, what would your movement be
?
So, as they identify theirfeelings, they can really move
it out of their body by evensensory ways, and there are a
lot of ideas in the book abouthow to have these activities and
these sensory based therapeuticactivities to move the grief
(20:40):
out of their body.
Colleen Montague (20:41):
And with younger kids, but also teens,
what you could do for them isreflecting back what they're
telling you, and that is throughlanguage and body language,
Erin talked about that already.
But just even just reflectingback in their words, it might be
the first time they've eversaid it out loud, and so you
reflecting that back yeah,you're really mad that dad died.
(21:02):
Yeah, you're really scared thatsomething might happen to me
too.
It's the first time they mayhave said it, and you saying it
back to them is hearing it againand also helping put some
language to what they're goingthrough.
Erin Nelson (21:14):
Yeah, and our listeners can't really see you,
Colleen, but when you're talkingabout this, you're having this
body language that mirrors kindof an angry stance.
If your teens are mad, you canmirror their body language and
you can mirror their words andtheir voice inflection and being
able to match energy and wetalk a lot about that at
(21:35):
Jessica's House is that withyour child, watching their body
language, their tone of voiceand really matching that can
help them feel even moreunderstood and there's so much
more resonance in that when aparent is leaning into that and
wanting to understand.
Brad Quillen (21:54):
As you're talking about kiddos, there's some
parents that are listening, I'msure, that have two, three, four
, five, six kids and they allgrieve differently, and so I'm
going to give you a second tothink about that, because we're
going to take a break here in amoment.
When we come back, we're goingto talk about some of the
resources, and when do we getout, when do we look for
resources, that we need extrahelp?
But what do you say to thoseparents that have kids that are
(22:15):
grieving differently, and one ofthem might have been expressive
, but now it's so quiet, andthen the quiet one is now loud
and even aggressive, what do yousay?
Colleen Montague (22:26):
I think that before your person died, your
kids were all different.
They were already different,you already probably had to
parent each one a littledifferently.
Yeah, each of our kids needsomething a little different
from us as a parent, and so youmay have already been tailoring
your responses with them andinteractions a bit, and so
(22:48):
that's just going to continuenow in grief, and you never know
how they're going to be doingor what you know.
Like you you said, Brad, theone that was really
communicative may kind ofwithdraw a little bit, and vice
versa, and so just knowing thatyou're going to need to meet
them where they are and thatmight look different, and it's
easier said than.
done
Erin Nelson (23:08):
Yeah and I think if you are noticing any marked
behavior change in your childthat is more than just getting a
little bit quieter, a littlebit louder child, that is more
than just getting a little bitquieter, a little bit louder you
could always check in with yourpediatrician, a family
counselor, and you're noticing,you know, marked changes in
their sleeping and their eating.
It's never bad to get extrasupport and just kind of make
(23:33):
sure that this isn't anythingthat's more long-term and that
you can give them the additionalsupport that they might need.
Brad Quillen (23:42):
And we're going to go ahead and head to a break,
but when we come back we'regoing to talk about what are
some of those outside resourcesthat you can find for support
for you and your family.
Gary Shriver (23:51):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(24:13):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(24:35):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Brad Quillen (24:43):
Well, hey, welcome back and we ended with talking
about when is it time to getoutside help.
Aaron shared a little bit aboutpediatricians or possibly even
counsel or some of those things,but when is it time for us to
reach out and find outsidesupport?
And so we're going to come backand just talk a little bit
about that.
Erin, when should a parentstart thinking we need a little
(25:04):
extra support?
And that could be group support, could be counseling, even
reaching out to schools and allthose things, as kids go back
into school after a death.
How do we, how do we handlethat?
Erin Nelson (25:12):
Yeah, I like the idea of layering support and I
think, like with Jessica's House, and if you do have some group
support in your area forchildren who are grieving, I
would just want to also say youcan go to the National Alliance
for Children's Grief and theyhave a database for all over the
United States, maybe evenglobally, about different grief
(25:34):
centers, and so that's a reallygood place to start for the
ongoing support and that's justthat grief support of knowing
you're not alone, of findingcoping skills.
So that's just really broad andreally good for everyone.
And it's never bad to just layyour support if you can.
And you know with counselingand you know some of what we
(25:55):
talked about.
If you're feeling like you arewondering about extra support,
then it's always good to justreach out for support with a
counselor or with yourpediatrician.
And if you are noticing changeslike we mentioned, with your
child's eating, or sleeping, orbehaviors, withdrawing
academically, decreasing intheir grades, not being able to
concentrate, some of thosereally marked differences in
(26:24):
friendships, things like that.
It's never bad to just reachout for extra support and a
counselor.
Colleen Montague (26:30):
Yeah, and one great support system at the
ready is your child's school.
There are so many resourcesprovided through the school
districts at times and theircampuses.
Maybe they have a counselor onsite or some type of support.
And so one of the first thingsyou should do is communicate to
the teacher about the loss thatyour family has experienced and
(26:53):
I think I've said it here beforejust always communicate it
every beginning of the schoolyear for the rest of your
child's education.
But you know, let them know howyour kid's doing at home.
They're going to be able to seehow your kid is doing at school
, communicate back with you andset up some plans with them.
Some ideas that parents haveshared with us over the years
(27:15):
are can your child do a middayphone call to you from the
classroom or the office, maybeat lunch?
It's really hard to beseparated from their parent for
a whole school day.
It's a long time to be awayfrom their safety system, so to
speak, and so could they callyou at lunch or at least know
they have the option if theyneed it.
.
It's they're having aparticularly hard day or hard
(27:38):
moments, can they put a post-itnote on their desk to
communicate to the teacher thatthey're having a hard time and
they might need space, or theymay need to go outside and go
for a walk or check in withtheir school counselor.
And on your end, something youcan offer to your child before
parting ways for the day is toask if they'd like to draw a
heart on your hand and if youcan draw a heart on theirs and
(28:01):
explain to them that every timeyou look at that heart
throughout the day, you're goingto think of them and send them
some good luck or a prayer theirway and same in return, to know
that when the child looks attheir hand and sees your heart
drawn, that they know you'rethinking of them.
And I don't think your teenageris probably going to go for
that.
So could you text your teen,have like a mutual emoji you
(28:24):
send to each other just tocommunicate a little hello, I'm
thinking of you throughout theday.
Brad Quillen (28:31):
, you mentioned NACG, which is the National
Alliance for Children's Grief,and their website is nacg.
org.
But there's also GriefShare,there's hospice in all a lot of
communities around our country.
What are some of those otheroutside resources, and maybe
away from the school or thecounseling thing, but just kind
of the things that are around usthat we might be able to tap
into for help when we experiencethe death?
Erin Nelson (28:54):
Well, Brad, I think some of what is naturally
around parents that you know,just the thinking about
neighbors and friends andextended family and we've heard
stories from parents that justtalk about the auntie you know
that just loves to take theirkids to a movie, or a neighbor
(29:16):
that really enjoys soccer, andmaybe that's something that that
parent did with the child.
And so looking around to peoplethat can fill roles that your
child is missing and justlooking out to just natural
connections that you have in thecommunity can really help.
Colleen Montague (29:36):
Because you can't be all the things to all
of the people.
That is not what you were builtto do, and so I like what
you're saying so Erin, of whoelse is around you, who is
already asking to help, alreadywants to help in some way that
can come alongside you or yourkids in a way that you can't do.
Erin Nelson (29:57):
Yeah, I was also just thinking about just you
know, something that was sohelpful for me and something
that we've learned with ourfamilies as sports teams,
churches, just having you know,just church, like Sunday school
and midweek kinds of support andfeeling that part of that
community.
(30:18):
There's a lot of researcharound when children feel part
of something.
It could even be something sosimple as identifying with a
school mascot and school spirit.
Children do much better whenthey have a strong identity, and
sometimes that does comethrough church, it comes through
their school and it can comethrough a sports team, and so
(30:46):
anything that they can do toincrease their identity of
belonging can really help themwith their outcomes long-term.
Brad Quillen (30:50):
And, Colleen, you said, there's people that are
offering and there are.
We just sometimes forget whothey are.
But people offer to give ridesand help do this and that
because we can be everything orbe everywhere.
Colleen Montague (31:02):
Yeah, and you, you won't know all the ways
that you need support right whenthe death has happened, and so
it's okay to say to someoneoffering to help you know, I
don't know yet what I need, butI'll let you know.
And so it could be months laterand you know, and and maybe now
the seasons change and let'ssay it's spring and you're
(31:22):
noticing that maybe thatneighbor could come alongside
and play you know, catch outsidewith your child, for example
and so you might learn in timewhat it is that you need and how
those people could support youin those unique ways.
Brad Quillen (31:37):
And it's a lot of why, Erin, you started Jessica's
House is because when Tylerdied there wasn't a whole lot
out there in our community andwe wanted people to know that
they wouldn't be alone when theygrieved.
Erin Nelson (31:48):
It's so nice to know you're not alone and to
have other people, and when youdon't feel alone, you feel so
much stronger just to hold theloss with other people.
So sometimes you're justreaching out in your community
through.
It could even be online groups,it could be neighbor support or
just whatever it is that youcan do.
(32:09):
It could be neighbor support orjust whatever it is that you
can do.
I think, like even in my ownlife, reading books from other
people that had experienced aloss can really help and just
want to share.
Just even with our book that isout now it's called When Grief
Comes Home, same as the podcast,but we're sharing a lot of
personal stories from otherparents where you might be able
(32:30):
to hear yourself in that storyand just knowing that you're not
alone.
Brad Quillen (32:35):
You're not alone, Erin, Colleen, it's always so
good to be with you guys andrecord, but for those of you
listening, if there's anythingwe can do to help you, you can
always reach out to us atjessicashouse.
org for more resources, or youcould even email us at info@
jessicashouse.
org for questions or even futuretopics for the podcast.
Be sure to join us next timefor when Grief Comes Home.
(32:55):
Until then, we wish you well.
Gary Shriver (32:59):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(33:21):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(33:44):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time for When
Grief Comes Home.
Hello and welcome to when Grief Comes Home, a
podcast dedicated to parentsliving through loss while
supporting their child.
Let's meet the team.
Erin Nelson (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at
Jessica's House.
Colleen Montague (00:15):
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, program
director for Jessica's House anda licensed marriage and family
therapist.
Brad Quillen (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When
Grief Comes Home.
Gary Shriver (00:25):
This podcast goes along with a book of the same
name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
who are grieving a partner orchild, while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers.
(00:47):
Now let's go to the team, asthey share grief resources and
coping skills, heartfelt storiesand insights to support parents
as they raise children who aregrieving.
Together, you'll find strengthas we learn to live with loss
and find ways to heal.
Brad Quillen (01:01):
Hello, hello, it's Brad from Jessica's House.
Today on the podcast, we'regoing to be talking about ways
to support your child after thedeath of their parent.
The majority of the familiesthat come to Jessica's House
have experienced the death of aparent.
Today, we'll share with yousome of those ideas and lessons
we've learned over the years.
Hey, Erin, Colleen, we are backtalking about supporting your
(01:21):
child after the death of aparent.
Last segment or last podcast,we talked about when there's
been a death of a spouse or apartner, and that kind of goes
along with what we're talkingabout today, because now we have
kids that we're supporting athome and so, as we think of some
of those things that happen alot of the times we hear at
Jessica's House because that'sour biggest population, are kids
(01:43):
that have lost a parent thatattend Jessica's House, we hear
a couple of things, and one ofthe first ones we hear is
security that kids don't feel assafe.
That the world's not as safeafter their parent dies.
And the second thing we'regoing to get to a little later
in the podcast are some of thebehaviors that come because of
the grief and just the actingout.
But Erin, would you mindsharing a little bit about after
(02:04):
when Tyler died, just some ofthose safety and security things
that you felt and realized evenwith your own kiddos?
Erin Nelson (02:10):
I noticed that after Tyler died, we all felt
just a compromised kind offeeling of safety in the world
and it was the first loss that Ihad ever had and my kids were
really feeling that as well andjust the insecurities, I think,
just the security of having twoparents in the home and kind of
(02:34):
rhythms and routines that we had, and then not having him in the
home and how he was a source ofcomfort for them and a source
of security, and now, withouthis physical presence anymore,
there was just this sense ofinsecurity.
Even in child care, if I wouldleave, at times he was there,
(02:55):
and so I noticed a lot moreseparation anxiety with the kids
when I would leave, with thekids when I would leave, and so
I just think that there was sucha compromised feeling of
security and just that overallsense that something was missing
.
Brad Quillen (03:12):
And I think we feel that, boy, this is a
problem.
But I don't think it is aproblem, I think it's more
natural, because they were thereyesterday, but today they're
gone right and that physicalpresence is no longer.
And you also, your kids, werefive and three when Tyler
yesterday, but when your momdied, your sister immediately
(03:35):
came to move in and live withyou because that's who she was
living with.
And there's even a securityissue with teenagers that we see
here at the house.
Erin Nelson (03:39):
Yeah, and when my mom died, you know, my sister
lost that comforter that she had, that close relationship that
she had with my mom, and eventhough I was her sister, there
was nothing I could do toreplace a mom.
A mom is just such afoundational relationship and
(03:59):
one that's really important in achild's life, and so being able
to just understand that I canonly show up as myself, like
whether that's a sister or a mom, I'm not a dad and I could
never replace what they had lost.
And as I was even grieving inmyself and I was processing all
(04:22):
the losses, I was aware of theirneed for kind of reconnection
in some ways, because they hadlost such big connections in
their life with either a dad ora mom.
And so it was just such animportant time, and something
that I noticed helped them wasjust time together and just
(04:44):
sitting with them and justtrying to stay as close as we
could, and even if it meant thatyou know, the kids that first
year just slept right next to meand we just had a lot of time
together and we tried to juststay as stable as possible.
Brad Quillen (05:00):
Your sister and I led groups years and years ago,
over a decade together, and I'llnever forget we were in our mid
thirties probably, when we wereleading groups together and she
said to me one time in group,before kids had gotten to the
house that night you know, Brad,the older I get, the more I
realize I need my mom and my dad, and so there's just that truth
.
Like, even as we age, we stillneed mom and dad.
Erin Nelson (05:22):
Yeah, it's a relationship that's so important
and we miss them for the restof our lives.
Brad Quillen (05:28):
Yeah, it's forever .
Erin Nelson (05:29):
It's forever.
Brad Quillen (05:29):
Because they're always mom, they're always dad.
That's one of the things we sayhere at Jessica's House that
the life may have ended, therelationship goes forever yeah.
Colleen Montague (05:38):
Yeah.
Brad Quillen (05:39):
Hey and Colleen, we've been talking about control
a little bit and one of thethings that adults find hard
that's kind of in our control asadults or parents in these
realities is telling thechildren in our lives about how
someone may have died or justsome of the truth around the
scenarios.
What are some of those waysthat we can help give our kids
(06:03):
that information?
Colleen Montague (06:08):
During a time where they've lost so much
control, their safety bubble inthe world has been popped and,
of course, things that used tofeel promised to them are no
more the idea that they'llalways have that parent there
and so of course, they're goingto worry about the possibility,
the real possibility, that theycould lose you too, or they
(06:29):
could lose somebody else intheir life, and it's hard to
feel so out of control, and youmay be feeling like that too as
a parent.
I really liked what you said,Brad.
You said it's not a problemthat they feel this way or that
they're reacting this way,because these are all natural
responses to grief.
Brad Quillen (06:47):
It's the reality.
Colleen Montague (06:48):
Yeah it's a reaction to grief, and so
they're really on track.
You know that is not so much ofa surprise, and so one of the
things that you can do right nowis be that source of truth for
them with the questions they mayhave.
And it starts like with whatyou said, Erin, of just being
(07:13):
available and over-connectingwith them right now, checking in
with how they're doing withwhat questions they have,
answering those questions, thebest that you can.
One that we hear a lot withkids is that fear that you might
die too.
You know they may lose theirother parent, and so just
responding to that with as muchtruth as you can, you know, so
to tell them you know what areyou doing to try and keep
(07:34):
yourself healthy or safe, to tryto prevent something like that
from happening again.
Erin Nelson (07:38):
I think this really builds on some of what we've
talked about, which is tellingthe truth a lot of times, even
about how the person died andwhat happened when the person
died, and helping them reallylook to you as that person who
they can trust will tell themthe truth.
And a lot of times, just tomake those conversations easier,
(08:01):
you can do that by facilitatingthat you really want to know,
that you're really curious abouttheir questions and asking them
, continuing to check in withthem to say, well, what
questions do you have about whathappened to dad or mom?
And to lay that foundation,because you know, sometimes they
(08:21):
just may be naturally hesitant,because whenever someone's in
pain we kind of protect eachother.
It's just a natural part ofeven having relationships and in
a family in grief and so beingable to check in.
Something that we've talkedabout here at Jessica's House is
the word solar as an acronym.
It's like sitting down withyour child, just opening up your
(08:43):
posture, leaning in, making eyecontact and then relaxing your
body, and we've done even justbreathwork to you know for us as
parents when are supporting ourchild who's grieving, being
able to somehow calm our ownnervous system and find that
calm by taking a deep breath inand just letting your exhale be
(09:11):
longer than your inhale beforeyou have these conversations, as
you're talking to your childand letting them know how much
you want to hear from them andthat there's any question at all
, anything that they want to ask, that you're here for it.
Brad Quillen (09:26):
And I'm going to ask you this, there will be
questions sometimes that you getasked and I want you to talk
about this for a second, Erin, Idon't know, but before you do
that I want to say if you'relistening today and you're
trying to figure out how do Itell my kid, I just want you to
know there's a number ofresources at jessicashouse.
org under our resource tab towhere you can find ways and
(09:48):
helps and how to share thatinformation with your child.
But, Erin, it's okay to say Idon't know to some of their
questions because you might nothonestly know all the details.
Erin Nelson (09:59):
You might not know all the details.
Sometimes you learn detailslater.
I mean there are some reportsthat come out later even from
the coroner they take time andyou may not have all the answers
, but you can say like when Ifind out, I want to share it
with you and being able to sharemore details along the way, and
(10:19):
just again you're sitting downwith them again.
This is a process thatcontinues as you just talk to
your child about the truth.
Colleen Montague (10:30):
And I would also caution that we have to do
it in a language that meets thedevelopmental level they're in.
And so we're going to talk to athree-year-old about how their
parent died a lot differentlythan we would talk to a
13-year-old, and so there's alot that a six year old, for
example, can't understand orthat's too much to hold for
(10:51):
their mind, but we could usethat language to our 16 year old
, and so just you know, puttingthat in there too is important.
Brad Quillen (10:59):
So to both of you, I can imagine someone's
listening right now after wejust talked about solar, which
we teach here and I believe in,and trying to be calm, to sit
down to tell our kids or childwhat's happened and have
conversation in a calm manner,but they're saying I can't keep
it together.
How in the world do I sit andtry and hold it together to
(11:22):
answer their questions, whenevery time I think about it,
even in the midst of listeningto this podcast, I'm crying as I
listen?
Colleen Montague (11:28):
Yeah, you might not be in a spot.
We never know when our kids areready for us and when they are
ready for those conversations,how we're actually going to be
doing.
And check in with yourselffirst before you answer.
If you're not in a good headspace where you feel like you
can have a conversation withthem in a way that is helpful to
both.
Ask them for a pause.
Erin Nelson (11:48):
Yeah, and it's okay to cry through it.
When you're crying, you'remodeling that for your child and
so being able to express as youfeel it, you know and as you go
along and just taking a momentto just say you know, right now
just feel like crying and it'sokay to cry, we are going to
(12:12):
sometimes just be sad.
And being able to express that,what is it authentically inside
of you?
And when your actual facematches what's going on inside?
Kids really know what's goingon inside of an adult.
They're so keen at kind offeeling something.
(12:34):
And when we're not beingauthentic, and I would say that
when you know, as you arecalming your own nervous system,
you're bringing more of anauthentic calm to that.
But you're also you might besad, and when everything matches
, your inside matches whatyou're showing and it just can
breed even more trust.
Brad Quillen (12:56):
I'm so glad you talked about crying in front of
our kids, because so many timesin group I will hear a parent
say you know, I don't want tocry in front of my kids.
And then when I used to do kidgroups, I'd hear the same thing
where teens would say I don'twant to cry with grandma or my
you know, grandma's taking,raising us now because mom died.
And or you know, I don't wantto talk about dad in front of my
mom and all these things and Ijust came up with and I've
(13:28):
mentioned this in the previouspodcasts, but we don't want to
pass our sadness to someonewe're talking about.
I call it the transference ofsad.
I don't know if that's really aterm or even proper, but kids
didn't want to give sadness tomom or mom didn't want to
because I'm crying in front ofmy kids, make them sad.
But I think it's great that youjust mentioned that this is how
I feel and this is what itmakes my body do when I think of
mom or dad now that they'vedied.
Colleen Montague (13:38):
And doesn't it just offer permission to your
child that it's okay to havethese big feelings, and you have
them too, and we're going tosit through them together.
It's okay for me to feelwhatever is going on inside
Brad Quillen (13:51):
We have big feelings as the adults too, as
the parents.
Colleen Montague (13:55):
You know, our own big feelings can be scary
for us too, you know, let alonefor our child.
And sometimes our child's bigfeelings are scary for us.
You know, going back again,Brad, to what you said, I liked
it so much.
Those behaviors are notproblematic.
They're not problems.
That is just grief expression.
That's how they're doing, andso, not being afraid of those
(14:16):
big feelings that they'reshowing you or that you're
feeling yourself.
Brad Quillen (14:22):
Behaviors are just another way of communicating
right?
Colleen Montague (14:25):
Yeah, and that true expression of those
feelings and moving those out ofour body.
You know, that's how we canwork towards healing.
Erin Nelson (14:40):
Something that I'm thinking about that brings up
feelings and worries for kidsthat they may not be able to
express, but it's on their minda lot, but a lot of times they
don't know how to bring it up totheir parent is the question
who will take care of me ifsomething happens to you?
And I know, Colleen, you talkeda little bit about creating
safety, and so something that'son the mind of children, and
(15:01):
they may not know how to bringit up to their parent, is the
question who will take care ofme if something happens to you?
So as you talk to your child,you may even need to prompt them
like, hey, I'm kind ofwondering what you're wondering.
You know, sometimes aftersomething like this happens,
kids may wonder like, who'lltake care of me if something
(15:22):
happens to my mom or dad?
And so, bringing that up, I wasworking with a child in group
who had it completely plannedbecause she had pets and she
knew that she was going to livewith her grandparents if
something happened to her mom.
But she was very worriedbecause her dogs didn't get
(15:43):
along with her grandparents'dogs and just thinking that she
had already thought about that,and so there might be some
additional questions your childhas.
So letting them know who willtake care of them and kind of
what the plan is where they'lllive.
Colleen Montague (16:01):
You might be worried that you're planting a
seed or an idea, but the realityis is they are already worried
about it.
Erin Nelson (16:08):
They're already worried about it, so being able
to ask those questions ahead oftime.
Another question they may askis will the same thing that
happened to my parent happen tosomeone else I love, like my
other parent or someone else, oreven to me?
Brad Quillen (16:26):
Who's next?
Erin Nelson (16:27):
Who is next?
And so as we think about that,we can say that that's a normal
fear, and to normalize that andmaybe you're the one bringing it
up and to say to get thatquestion out there, and then
when you do that, you can kindof talk a little bit about what
you're doing to keep yourselfhealthy and safe.
Something that we always talkabout at Jessica's House is it's
(16:52):
always a good idea to take yourchild to the pediatrician after
you know when they're grieving,and also go to the doctor
yourself for a checkup, and thenyou can communicate that to
your child.
Hey, I went to the doctor for acheckup and I want to do
everything I can do to keepmyself healthy, and so then they
can know, and then you can kindof have that conversation about
(17:16):
the fears that they may haveand also that we all might have,
right?
We have talked about this wherea child might, you know, have
something, the person died of adisease and maybe this
particular part of their body isbothering them and they think,
oh, maybe I have also that samedisease.
These are natural kinds of waysthat we grieve, to work through
(17:41):
some of those fears.
Colleen Montague (17:43):
Some unspoken worries that kids also have that
, I think, have really surprisedadults at times, that their
parents, is this fear that theymay have caused the death in
some way or attributed to it,and obviously that's not true.
But they really can takeownership of something that they
(18:03):
don't need to.
You know, we had a boy once whowas worried that he caused the
death of his dad because theyhad an argument a few days
before and the boy had yelled athis dad and he really thought
he caused his dad to have aheart attack a few days later.
Erin Nelson (18:20):
Yeah, so being able to say something like you know
there's nothing you can say tomake someone die, even if you
had these thoughts like, oh, I'mjust so mad at my dad or my mom
, you know, being able to say toyour child, even before they
ask the question, there'snothing you could have done or
could have said that could havecaused that person to die or
(18:42):
that could have kept them alive,and so being able to have that
conversation is so important.
Brad Quillen (18:48):
So these emotions are kind of floating and filling
kiddos.
Colleen, Erin, some of thekiddos that are having all these
feelings don't even know how tolabel what they're feeling or
give it a word, like when yourhusband died, when Tyler died,
your kids were five and three,and so for them to be able to
label what they're feeling ismuch harder than for us adults.
(19:09):
But there's teens that arelistening, that has teens and
they're trying to help themlabel what's going on inside.
So how do we do that as parents, even as we're grieving,
there's a lot of emotionsflowing around in us.
But how do we help our kidslabel what's on the inside?
Colleen Montague (19:24):
For the younger kids, I think there's so
many good books out there forthem to read or you to read to
them.
It's a great way to putthemselves into a story.
It's a little safer even whenthey're reading about a rabbit
and how they're feeling so angry, and it prompts such great
conversation just throughreading books.
(19:45):
So that's a great place that Iwould recommend starting with
and then, after you read thestory, it's a good way to just
segue like have you ever feltthat way?
When did you feel like that?
Erin Nelson (19:57):
Yeah, another tool that we've used at Jessica's
House and this is also availablein the book When Grief Co mes
Home is a feelings wheel, and soit's at the end of the book,
and so sometimes you can justreference that to see all kinds
of words and to see what mightdescribe how they feel.
And you know, and if whateverthey're feeling like, if sad was
(20:18):
a color like, what would whatwould that color be?
And if you could move in thatway, what would your movement be
?
So, as they identify theirfeelings, they can really move
it out of their body by evensensory ways, and there are a
lot of ideas in the book abouthow to have these activities and
these sensory based therapeuticactivities to move the grief
(20:40):
out of their body.
Colleen Montague (20:41):
And with younger kids, but also teens,
what you could do for them isreflecting back what they're
telling you, and that is throughlanguage and body language,
Erin talked about that already.
But just even just reflectingback in their words, it might be
the first time they've eversaid it out loud, and so you
reflecting that back yeah,you're really mad that dad died.
(21:02):
Yeah, you're really scared thatsomething might happen to me
too.
It's the first time they mayhave said it, and you saying it
back to them is hearing it againand also helping put some
language to what they're goingthrough.
Erin Nelson (21:14):
Yeah, and our listeners can't really see you,
Colleen, but when you're talkingabout this, you're having this
body language that mirrors kindof an angry stance.
If your teens are mad, you canmirror their body language and
you can mirror their words andtheir voice inflection and being
able to match energy and wetalk a lot about that at
(21:35):
Jessica's House is that withyour child, watching their body
language, their tone of voiceand really matching that can
help them feel even moreunderstood and there's so much
more resonance in that when aparent is leaning into that and
wanting to understand.
Brad Quillen (21:54):
As you're talking about kiddos, there's some
parents that are listening, I'msure, that have two, three, four
, five, six kids and they allgrieve differently, and so I'm
going to give you a second tothink about that, because we're
going to take a break here in amoment.
When we come back, we're goingto talk about some of the
resources, and when do we getout, when do we look for
resources, that we need extrahelp?
But what do you say to thoseparents that have kids that are
(22:15):
grieving differently, and one ofthem might have been expressive
, but now it's so quiet, andthen the quiet one is now loud
and even aggressive, what do yousay?
Colleen Montague (22:26):
I think that before your person died, your
kids were all different.
They were already different,you already probably had to
parent each one a littledifferently.
Yeah, each of our kids needsomething a little different
from us as a parent, and so youmay have already been tailoring
your responses with them andinteractions a bit, and so
(22:48):
that's just going to continuenow in grief, and you never know
how they're going to be doingor what you know.
Like you you said, Brad, theone that was really
communicative may kind ofwithdraw a little bit, and vice
versa, and so just knowing thatyou're going to need to meet
them where they are and thatmight look different, and it's
easier said than.
done
Erin Nelson (23:08):
Yeah and I think if you are noticing any marked
behavior change in your childthat is more than just getting a
little bit quieter, a littlebit louder child, that is more
than just getting a little bitquieter, a little bit louder you
could always check in with yourpediatrician, a family
counselor, and you're noticing,you know, marked changes in
their sleeping and their eating.
It's never bad to get extrasupport and just kind of make
(23:33):
sure that this isn't anythingthat's more long-term and that
you can give them the additionalsupport that they might need.
Brad Quillen (23:42):
And we're going to go ahead and head to a break,
but when we come back we'regoing to talk about what are
some of those outside resourcesthat you can find for support
for you and your family.
Gary Shriver (23:51):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(24:13):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(24:35):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Brad Quillen (24:43):
Well, hey, welcome back and we ended with talking
about when is it time to getoutside help.
Aaron shared a little bit aboutpediatricians or possibly even
counsel or some of those things,but when is it time for us to
reach out and find outsidesupport?
And so we're going to come backand just talk a little bit
about that.
Erin, when should a parentstart thinking we need a little
(25:04):
extra support?
And that could be group support, could be counseling, even
reaching out to schools and allthose things, as kids go back
into school after a death.
How do we, how do we handlethat?
Erin Nelson (25:12):
Yeah, I like the idea of layering support and I
think, like with Jessica's House, and if you do have some group
support in your area forchildren who are grieving, I
would just want to also say youcan go to the National Alliance
for Children's Grief and theyhave a database for all over the
United States, maybe evenglobally, about different grief
(25:34):
centers, and so that's a reallygood place to start for the
ongoing support and that's justthat grief support of knowing
you're not alone, of findingcoping skills.
So that's just really broad andreally good for everyone.
And it's never bad to just layyour support if you can.
And you know with counselingand you know some of what we
(25:55):
talked about.
If you're feeling like you arewondering about extra support,
then it's always good to justreach out for support with a
counselor or with yourpediatrician.
And if you are noticing changeslike we mentioned, with your
child's eating, or sleeping, orbehaviors, withdrawing
academically, decreasing intheir grades, not being able to
concentrate, some of thosereally marked differences in
(26:24):
friendships, things like that.
It's never bad to just reachout for extra support and a
counselor.
Colleen Montague (26:30):
Yeah, and one great support system at the
ready is your child's school.
There are so many resourcesprovided through the school
districts at times and theircampuses.
Maybe they have a counselor onsite or some type of support.
And so one of the first thingsyou should do is communicate to
the teacher about the loss thatyour family has experienced and
(26:53):
I think I've said it here beforejust always communicate it
every beginning of the schoolyear for the rest of your
child's education.
But you know, let them know howyour kid's doing at home.
They're going to be able to seehow your kid is doing at school
, communicate back with you andset up some plans with them.
Some ideas that parents haveshared with us over the years
(27:15):
are can your child do a middayphone call to you from the
classroom or the office, maybeat lunch?
It's really hard to beseparated from their parent for
a whole school day.
It's a long time to be awayfrom their safety system, so to
speak, and so could they callyou at lunch or at least know
they have the option if theyneed it.
.
It's they're having aparticularly hard day or hard
(27:38):
moments, can they put a post-itnote on their desk to
communicate to the teacher thatthey're having a hard time and
they might need space, or theymay need to go outside and go
for a walk or check in withtheir school counselor.
And on your end, something youcan offer to your child before
parting ways for the day is toask if they'd like to draw a
heart on your hand and if youcan draw a heart on theirs and
(28:01):
explain to them that every timeyou look at that heart
throughout the day, you're goingto think of them and send them
some good luck or a prayer theirway and same in return, to know
that when the child looks attheir hand and sees your heart
drawn, that they know you'rethinking of them.
And I don't think your teenageris probably going to go for
that.
So could you text your teen,have like a mutual emoji you
(28:24):
send to each other just tocommunicate a little hello, I'm
thinking of you throughout theday.
Brad Quillen (28:31):
, you mentioned NACG, which is the National
Alliance for Children's Grief,and their website is nacg.
org.
But there's also GriefShare,there's hospice in all a lot of
communities around our country.
What are some of those otheroutside resources, and maybe
away from the school or thecounseling thing, but just kind
of the things that are around usthat we might be able to tap
into for help when we experiencethe death?
Erin Nelson (28:54):
Well, Brad, I think some of what is naturally
around parents that you know,just the thinking about
neighbors and friends andextended family and we've heard
stories from parents that justtalk about the auntie you know
that just loves to take theirkids to a movie, or a neighbor
(29:16):
that really enjoys soccer, andmaybe that's something that that
parent did with the child.
And so looking around to peoplethat can fill roles that your
child is missing and justlooking out to just natural
connections that you have in thecommunity can really help.
Colleen Montague (29:36):
Because you can't be all the things to all
of the people.
That is not what you were builtto do, and so I like what
you're saying so Erin, of whoelse is around you, who is
already asking to help, alreadywants to help in some way that
can come alongside you or yourkids in a way that you can't do.
Erin Nelson (29:57):
Yeah, I was also just thinking about just you
know, something that was sohelpful for me and something
that we've learned with ourfamilies as sports teams,
churches, just having you know,just church, like Sunday school
and midweek kinds of support andfeeling that part of that
community.
(30:18):
There's a lot of researcharound when children feel part
of something.
It could even be something sosimple as identifying with a
school mascot and school spirit.
Children do much better whenthey have a strong identity, and
sometimes that does comethrough church, it comes through
their school and it can comethrough a sports team, and so
(30:46):
anything that they can do toincrease their identity of
belonging can really help themwith their outcomes long-term.
Brad Quillen (30:50):
And, Colleen, you said, there's people that are
offering and there are.
We just sometimes forget whothey are.
But people offer to give ridesand help do this and that
because we can be everything orbe everywhere.
Colleen Montague (31:02):
Yeah, and you, you won't know all the ways
that you need support right whenthe death has happened, and so
it's okay to say to someoneoffering to help you know, I
don't know yet what I need, butI'll let you know.
And so it could be months laterand you know, and and maybe now
the seasons change and let'ssay it's spring and you're
(31:22):
noticing that maybe thatneighbor could come alongside
and play you know, catch outsidewith your child, for example
and so you might learn in timewhat it is that you need and how
those people could support youin those unique ways.
Brad Quillen (31:37):
And it's a lot of why, Erin, you started Jessica's
House is because when Tylerdied there wasn't a whole lot
out there in our community andwe wanted people to know that
they wouldn't be alone when theygrieved.
Erin Nelson (31:48):
It's so nice to know you're not alone and to
have other people, and when youdon't feel alone, you feel so
much stronger just to hold theloss with other people.
So sometimes you're justreaching out in your community
through.
It could even be online groups,it could be neighbor support or
just whatever it is that youcan do.
(32:09):
It could be neighbor support orjust whatever it is that you
can do.
I think, like even in my ownlife, reading books from other
people that had experienced aloss can really help and just
want to share.
Just even with our book that isout now it's called When Grief
Comes Home, same as the podcast,but we're sharing a lot of
personal stories from otherparents where you might be able
(32:30):
to hear yourself in that storyand just knowing that you're not
alone.
Brad Quillen (32:35):
You're not alone, Erin, Colleen, it's always so
good to be with you guys andrecord, but for those of you
listening, if there's anythingwe can do to help you, you can
always reach out to us atjessicashouse.
org for more resources, or youcould even email us at info@
jessicashouse.
org for questions or even futuretopics for the podcast.
Be sure to join us next timefor when Grief Comes Home.
(32:55):
Until then, we wish you well.
Gary Shriver (32:59):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(33:21):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(33:44):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time for When
Grief Comes Home.
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