March 25, 2025 • 33 mins
Welcome to the When Grief Comes Home podcast. We're glad you're here. This podcast supports parents who are grieving a spouse, partner, or child while helping their children who are living through the loss of a parent or sibling. With personal grief stories and professional guidance, we offer parents practical tips for supporting their child who is grieving while caring for their own grief.
In this episode, Erin, Colleen, and Brad discuss how a parent can support their child as they grieve the loss of their sibling. Parents are encouraged to hold honest conversations as their child or children begin to have questions and worries about death. We also guide parents to hold space for their child's emotions and normalize their fears.
This episode encourages parents to keep the memory of the sibling alive through linking objects or bookmaking to alleviate the fear of forgetting them. The importance of intentional time is also emphasized as we share about the value of one-one time with each child after the death.
Please subscribe to the When Grief Comes Home podcast and leave us a review. The more stars, reviews, and downloads the show receives, the more parents and families in grief can find support.
Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L
For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Gary Shriver (00:00):
Hello and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a
podcast dedicated to parentsliving through loss while
supporting their child.
Let's meet the team.
Erin Nelson (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at
Jessica's House.
Colleen Montague (00:15):
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, program
director for Jessica's House anda licensed marriage and family
therapist.
Brad Quillen (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When
Grief Comes Home.
Gary Shriver (00:25):
This podcast goes along with a book of the same
name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
who are grieving a partner orchild, while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers.
Now let's go to the team asthey share grief resources and
(00:48):
coping skills, heartfelt storiesand insights to support parents
as they raise children who aregrieving.
Together, you'll find strengthas we learn to live with loss
and find ways to heal.
Brad Quillen (01:01):
Hello, hello, it's Brad from Jessica's House.
Today we're talking aboutsibling loss and how to support
your child.
You are caught between twoworlds.
Your thoughts are with yourchild who died, but also the
attempt to be present with yourchildren.
Erin, Colleen, it's good to seeyou both today and we're going
to jump in and start talkingabout supporting children after
they've had a death of one oftheir siblings.
(01:22):
And most of those listeningtoday understand a little bit
about your story, Erin, thatyour son Carter has died, and
there are things that we talkabout at Jessica's house called
linking objects that your familystill uses as they remember him
and kind of keeps themconnected.
As we start talking aboutsiblings, would you mind sharing
a little bit about what linkingobjects are and kind of how you
(01:44):
guys use those in your ownfamily?
Erin Nelson (01:46):
Yeah, so linking objects.
You know, when someone dies youjust want to be connected to
them in some way and you want tohave something that connects
you to them.
And a linking object is usuallysomething that belonged to the
person who died and somethingthat you can still have with you
.
And one thing that Carter wasknown for is wearing his flannel
(02:09):
shirts, and so he had all hisfavorites and so after he died,
we all kind of got one of hisflannels and we would just wear
them.
I know my daughter now, willcontinue to wear his flannel,
kind of as a little jacket, andshe also has like a little
flannel shirt kind of ornamentthat's in her car that she just
(02:32):
keeps there to remember Carter.
And so, yeah, just thoseconnections that we want to keep
alive and just somethingtangible that we can hold in our
hand that reminds us of ourperson.
Brad Quillen (02:45):
Yeah, I think a lot of us have linking objects.
I have a wedding ring of mygrandfather's that I wear, but
we all have something fromfriends and family that kind of
keep us grounded to remindingourselves of who has died before
us.
Erin Nelson (02:57):
Yeah.
Brad Quillen (02:58):
And one of the things that we have talked about
in previous episodes incommunication is just that truth
factor, Colleen, and wanting tobe honest and transparent about
how, or answers to some of thequestions that kids have about
their brother or sister that'sdied and that might be hard for
some parents to hear, and we'vealso talked about the reality of
(03:19):
some of the answers are.
I don't know right now.
And so would you mind justreminding those parents that are
listening, those moms and dads,about the importance of truth
but also just that transparencypiece too.
Colleen Montague (03:30):
The difficulty of experiencing such a
devastating loss and then nowyou also have to deliver that
news to your other children isso hard and, like we've said
before, is also so important tobe with your child and to share
the news and to just give themhonest, clear answers, according
(03:51):
to you know what they're ableto understand based on their age
, and you know theappropriateness of the details
you share.
But it is so important thatthey know that you'll tell them
the truth and that they can cometo you with questions that they
have.
And just like you said, Brad,you may not have all the answers
yet and those come in time, andso you can be honest and just
(04:14):
say I don't know that yet, butI'll let you know when I find
out.
But there's so muchmiscommunication that can happen
after someone dies, and so ifyou can meet with your child as
soon as you're able and startthat conversation with them,
that is a really good way tojust kind of hold them as they
(04:36):
enter into this space with youof this reality that their
sibling has died and really thisconversation is going to
continue for the rest of theirlife as they grow and their
understanding of loss deepensand matures.
You'll still be talking aboutthis with them in a different
way or shape, but it is aconversation that will continue.
Brad Quillen (04:57):
And I think we as adults and as parents and some
are listening think that they'regoing to get a barrage of
questions about some of thecircumstances or how or you know
, the disease or the accident,all those things.
But it's usually not a barrageof questions, usually it's one
or two, Erin, that the kiddoswill come with you.
Erin Nelson (05:15):
We notice that kids go and they as questions come
up, if they, you know, they canask them to their parents, and
then a lot of times they go offand it could be several days or
even weeks.
Months might go by and theyhave more questions and whatever
we can do as parents to be thattrusted resource for them, that
(05:36):
we will, as parents, tell themthe truth and that they can
always come to us with anythingthat they're wondering, and
sometimes we can even start thatquestion with like I'm
wondering what you're wondering.
And to open up thoseconversations, we talk sometimes
here at Jessica's house aboutthis acronym called SOLAR and it
(05:58):
really is just like creatingsafety for someone to say
whatever is on their mind, andso it's just simply like just
sitting down, opening up yourbody posture, leaning in, having
eye contact, and reallyrelaxing, and whatever we can do
as a parent.
We act as a container for ourchild's emotions and what that
(06:20):
means is that as we learn waysto really calm our own nervous
system, then we can helpco-regulate and calm our child's
nervous system, and sometimeswe need a moment, and that's
okay, as our child's asking usquestions, and if we're just
kind of more activated and wedon't feel that calm presence
(06:42):
that we want to be for our child, maybe we just need a second.
We need to go outside in natureand just take some deep breaths
and come back and it's okay toeven communicate that to your
child, to say hey, I just need asecond to just take a deep
breath.
Brad Quillen (07:02):
And there's a word that we hear at Jessica's House
, and it's this idea of thesomatic that we feel that in our
body when someone's died.
Erin Nelson (07:11):
We talk so much about somatic, which really just
means body, and how grief isreally energy in our body and
how when we feel that energy inour body and that grief in our
body, it's just giving, it's anindication that it needs to be
expressed in some way so we cancommunicate to our kids.
And sometimes they need to goplay, like use really big
(07:33):
muscles and big energy and gooutside and play, and other
times crying helps relieve thatand other times it just could be
expression through art or music.
So there are all kinds of waysthat kids can express.
Colleen Montague (07:48):
And when you have those first conversations,
we've talked about being astudent of your child their
response to this news issomething we can't predict, and
so you may assume there will bebig tears and protests, and
maybe there isn't.
Maybe your child needs a minuteto process it.
(08:10):
Maybe they won't even have abig response for you right away,
but that also doesn't meanthey're okay or that there's
something wrong with them fornot having a response.
Just trusting the timing ofeach of your children's
different responses to this newsit will be another thing to
keep in mind.
Erin Nelson (08:29):
I think what we hear here at Jessica's House is
that kids can feel a lot ofshame when they can't cry.
And you know, maybe otherpeople in the family are crying
and then they are feeling like Iwant to cry but I just actually
can't cry and that can be avery common response.
And, like you said, Colleen,you know each child will have a
(08:51):
different way of grieving and adifferent reaction and so,
whatever that reaction is,sometimes people grieve the way
they live, you know, and if yourchild's just naturally not as
demonstrative in their emotions,you may notice that that's just
them and being able to noticethat and honor each person's way
(09:12):
of grieving in the family.
Brad Quillen (09:14):
Yeah, and there's something unique about each of
the relationships betweensiblings, and so this child
might grieve a littledifferently when their brother
died than the other sibling, andso it's just interesting that
they have different sharedexperiences with the sibling
that's died.
Erin Nelson (09:30):
Yeah, they have a totally different relationship.
So in a family, when someonedies, that relationship is
different with one sibling thanit is with the other, right, and
so it's just.
There are always differentdynamics and different roles
that that sibling played in eachone of their lives, and so we
(09:50):
notice that, as they havedifferent roles, that maybe the
one that was the middle child isnow the baby in the family, and
so it's just so differentbecause they may be missing
their older brother and the onethat modeled things for them and
taught them something, and so,yeah, it can be just all all
kinds of complex dynamics.
Brad Quillen (10:12):
Because they might've shared a room together,
but then the other siblingdidn't.
There's inside jokes that weall have a little different,
with different people in ourlives and different competitions
and things that irk us aboutpeople differently.
But one of those things that wewere talking about a little bit
ago in a previous podcast washaving a script for when someone
asks us, and so a couple ofweeks ago we were talking about
(10:33):
parents having a script andbeing able to answer that
question of how many kids do youhave?
How do we help our kids have ascript and be ready for when
someone at school or on a sportsteam or at church asks how many
brothers and sisters do youhave?
And unfortunately they've hadone that's died.
Colleen Montague (10:48):
I love this idea of prepping them ahead of
time that people are going toask you for the rest of your
life hey, how many siblings doyou have, how many brothers and
sisters do you have?
And really giving thempermission to lead those
conversations the way they feelbest in that moment.
And so just to acknowledge tothem sometimes you might want to
(11:08):
bring it up and say, well, Ihave one brother who's alive and
I have one sister who died, andknowing that the person that
they say that to might ask morequestions and, you know, do they
feel ready to answer those, orteaching them that it's okay if
they don't want to answer it,it's not a conversation they
feel comfortable having, and sothey can just say I have one
(11:29):
brother and it doesn't make thembad, it's not disrespectful to
their sister, it's just how theyneed to take care of themselves
in that moment, and that'salways changing.
Brad Quillen (11:39):
And I think there's even a great teaching
point that you've talked aboutbefore of sharing that news and
then being expectant for changein the conversation or the
awkwardness to happen thatsomeone's caught off guard, that
you've had a brother or sisterthat's died, like how do you
help them have a script for that?
Colleen Montague (11:57):
Yeah, I think just telling them they may not
be able to understand whatthat's like and they may not
know how to respond to you andit's not because there's
anything wrong with you or thefact that your sister has died.
It's something that theyhaven't experienced, and so they
don't know what to say, and soprepping them that that could be
the response they get mightmake it feel a little less scary
(12:20):
or awkward if that's whathappens, and then telling them
but you might end up tellingsomebody who does want to talk
about it and does ask youquestions.
And so then, if that happens,what do you want to tell them
about your sister and, thinkingabout that ahead of time, what
they would want to share abouttheir sister?
Brad Quillen (12:37):
Yeah, what's the one thing you'd want them to
know?
Or how would you introduce yoursister to the person that asks?
Colleen Montague (12:42):
Yeah, because really we want to encourage them
to keep talking about theirsibling for the rest of their
lives.
If they want to do that, weencourage our kids here at
Jessica's House to do that.
That person will always be apart of their story in their
life.
Really, a sibling was theirfirst companion in life that
they've lost, and so they'regoing to grieve that forever.
(13:04):
But how can we help, supportthem in continuing the memory?
Brad Quillen (13:09):
And as you talk about that, as we talk about
supporting your child after theloss of their sibling Erin, we
talk about that you're going togrieve forever, that you're
going to miss them forever, andthere's events that are coming
down the road, that siblings areto be there for each other and
how do we address that withkiddos and prep them for down
the road?
It might not be in the next fewweeks or months, but I mean
these are the milestone eventsin one's lives.
Erin Nelson (13:32):
Yeah, to not have someone, you know, to have
someone missing from all themilestones and it's always in
the room, right, that person.
It's like the loudest voice inthe room that the person is
missing from every birthday,from graduations to celebrations
and all of that.
And to really acknowledge that,to maybe even find a way to
(13:55):
remember them, even in ourfamily, right now we have a
really important family weddingcoming up and we're thinking of
ways to remember Carter andthere will be an empty chair,
and so we're talking about thatand how we want to honor him,
and so we're thinking about thatahead of time as a family, and
so just being able to keep thatopen and always going to the
(14:19):
kids for their ideas you knowkids have the best ideas, right
and so going to them and askingthem how do you want to remember
them this Christmas, or how doyou want to remember them on
your birthday, Asking themquestions like what do you think
they would have thought aboutthat birthday present you got?
And you know those areconversations that we have here
(14:39):
at Jessica's House.
In fact, I just had one lastweek about, you know, what would
they think about, because oneof them just went to Disneyland,
a child in my group and I saidwell, what ride would they have
enjoyed the most?
And so they were talking aboutthis particular roller coaster
and how their sibling would havereacted on it, and so even
(14:59):
being able to say like if youcould have, you know, gone with
them, if they could have joinedyou here, sometimes making up in
imagination what you can't makein reality can really help, and
so sometimes just keeping themalive in some way and keeping a
connection means that you bringthem into that present moment
and just wonder what they wouldhave wanted or how they may have
(15:23):
reacted.
Brad Quillen (15:24):
You were just talking about almost
make-believe in some ways ofgiving kids control to create,
and for some kids there wastrauma involved in how their
sibling died.
And trying to give kids thechoice and trying to how they
want to remember them andinvolve them in future events.
Hey, we're going to take aquick break and after that we're
going to talk a little bitabout the complexities that come
(15:45):
along with sibling loss.
Gary Shriver (15:47):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(16:09):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(16:31):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Brad Quillen (16:38):
Hey, welcome back to segment two of supporting
your child after loss of theirsibling and Erin, we wanted to
take a few minutes and just talkabout some of the complexities
that come with that reality, andone of those big complexities
is emotions.
Erin Nelson (16:53):
I think what we hear so much after a sibling
dies is we hear about fears, wehear about anxiety, something,
especially if a sibling diedfrom an illness, the other
siblings may wonder you know,will I contract a similar
illness?
Or, if it was an accident, willI die also in an accident like
(17:15):
this?
And as a parent, you cancommunicate that it is natural,
just like after someone dies,that we reflect on what we call
it in adult language, like we'remore aware of our mortality,
but it's we are just more awarethat people can die.
Like sometimes you don't reallythink that's possible.
But for a child after someonedies, especially someone so
(17:37):
close, like a sibling, theybecome aware that people could
die and they could possibly alsodie.
We've heard at Jessica's House,and especially I can think of a
child who died of a brain tumor,and their sibling, when they
would get a headache, would justthink, oh, maybe I have a brain
tumor too, I'm next.
(18:00):
And to normalize that, to sayit's just so normal to be
thinking about how you couldalso die too, because this
happened to you, and to say, youknow, even as a parent like.
Sometimes I get a pain and Ialso will wonder if something
more serious going on, right.
And so just to normalize thatand to say you know you think of
(18:21):
things now that you neverthought about before, because
your safety bubble has beenpopped right in some ways and so
you're opening up to these newrealities that really hard and
bad things happen in the world.
It's like you wish you couldjust protect your children from
all of that, but when it happensto your family, then you're
(18:43):
faced with the complexities.
Brad Quillen (18:45):
I know in the last episode in the podcast we
talked a little bit about this,but someone might just be
listening to this one episodeand one of those big fears,
angsts, is what if somethinghappens to my parent that's
alive, or another sibling likewhat?
How fragile kids feel in allthose moments.
Erin Nelson (19:03):
I think the fragility is pretty deep and
being able to communicate thatyou're doing everything that you
can as their parent to takereally good care of yourself you
can always even get a checkupfrom your family doctor and
communicate with your child thatyou're doing everything that
you can to stay healthy, yourchild, that you're doing
(19:27):
everything that you can to stayhealthy and just anything that
you can do to connect and bringsafety and reassurance to your
child can really help.
Brad Quillen (19:32):
Hey, Colleen, you help out with a night here that
is labeled sibling loss, andthat's the reality of the group
that happens at night orfamilies that have had a death
of a child, and one of thosethings that we'll hear at
Jessica's House is sometimessurvivor's guilt and how that
plays a part into someone'sgrief process.
Colleen Montague (19:51):
I'm really glad that you brought that up,
Brad.
That's so true.
The reality of havingsurvivor's guilt you know why
did I get to live while theydied and even just regrets about
their actions, their past.
You know things that they said.
You kids just siblingsnaturally fight.
You know they squabble over allof the things.
(20:14):
But now they might reallyregret that and hold a lot of
bad feelings towards themselvesabout it, like oh, why was I, I
was such a bad brother or such abad sister, which is not even
true.
But those natural regrets justseep in wherever there's a
little opening.
Brad Quillen (20:30):
Why didn't I help with their homework, or why
didn't I say this or say that?
You know like all those regretscome to surface.
Colleen Montague (20:37):
Yeah, and I said that before, just naturally
in life we hold regrets aboutrelationships that we have with
people, but then when somebodydies and they're gone, those
regrets are just amplified.
The finality of that and notbeing able to ever rectify that.
Erin Nelson (20:52):
Kids can sometimes think that when they are seeing
those things or maybe they'rehaving these really bad thoughts
about their sibling because,hey, siblings can be super
annoying, right, that right,let's be honest.
But you know, when they'rehaving those those feelings and
those thoughts, that they caneven think that somehow they
caused their sibling to diesomehow and they can feel that
(21:15):
guilt, and they, you know, as aparent, something that we can do
is reassure them that there'sthere's nothing that you said,
there are no thoughts that youthought that could ever make
your sibling's body stop workingright, there's nothing you
could have said or thought thatcould keep them alive, right.
And so there's just so muchreassurance, just that
(21:38):
consistent reassurance needed.
Colleen Montague (21:40):
Something you might have to remind them of the
other times they were a reallygood sibling to their brother or
their sister.
You know we can get hyperfocused on the what ifs or the
negatives, but you know you canreflect that back to them.
You're feeling guilty aboutthat time you guys were fighting
over the toy and it fell andbroke.
But then you can shift themindset to remind them of the
(22:01):
good times that where they werea really good brother to them.
Brad Quillen (22:04):
Let me ask you guys this, there's seasons where
the emotions and thecomplexities and the fragility
and all that seems like it'smore and it's on the surface,
and then there's seasons whereit feels like it's a little
lower with your kid or kiddos.
How often should parents kindof be checking in and trying to
just sit down and haveconversation or maybe even doing
some sort of board game orsomething with your hands, but
(22:27):
with the reality of I want tohave conversation and just check
in with the kiddos?
Erin Nelson (22:31):
Yeah, I think that's just, it's all the time
right, it's just consistent, andwhen you talked about just the
differences and you know theymay have different emotions at
different times I think it seemsto me that one sibling or one
child in your family atdifferent times will need you
more and just as that presentsitself and as they come to you,
(22:53):
with something just stayingconsistently connected and that
can just be your physicalpresence.
I love the idea of a board game, that so you're doing something
while you're kind of havingnatural conversations.
I've had parents tell me thattheir best conversations are in
the car, just side by side andjust continuing to have that
physical presence.
(23:13):
Even just knowing that aftersomeone dies and after trauma,
just physical touch and physicalproximity and affection is very
healing as well for everyoneand it can really help.
And so just keeping thatconsistent presence.
Colleen Montague (23:32):
One thing that I like to try with my own kids
is try to spend 10 minutes a dayone-on-one with them, and it
doesn't seem like a lot of time,but it's intentional time with
them, and so can you give eachof your children 10 minutes a
day of uninterrupted one-on-onetime, and if you've got three
kids, that's 30 minutes, youknow.
(23:52):
Can you squeeze that out ofyour day and put the benefits of
that of them knowing thatthey're going to get you and
obviously don't set a timer infront of them but for them to
know that they get that timewith you every day is really
important and it matters.
It's something that they knowthat's a constant.
Erin Nelson (24:19):
And sometimes those are just routines which we know
it's one of those guidelinesthat we talk to parents about so
much is just keeping routinesas much as possible, and
sometimes those bedtimeroutines, the morning routines,
the chores that they're stillresponsible for, even though
this happened in our family.
These are very anchoringrhythms to just keep them going
and sometimes you are naturallyjust spending time with them,
even in those routines.
Brad Quillen (24:39):
And I think the greatest thing you can give your
children and all of this, and Iagree, but as sometimes, grace
for yourself, because there'sonly so much of you to go around
and you're trying to take care,as a parent, of the kiddos and
all the other responsibilitiesof life.
But we need to give ourselvesgrace.
Erin Nelson (24:54):
Yeah, and you can't do it all by yourself.
So finding support, findingpeople just that are naturally
around you neighbors and friendsand extended family to help you
with little things.
And what if you weren't able tospend as much time as you
wanted to?
Maybe they could do somethingreally special with your child.
And we've heard stories aboutthe uncles that are really fun
(25:17):
and they want to pick the kidsup and just take them and you
know, just run around and youknow, just go play soccer or
whatever it is.
So whatever you can do, aspeople ask you, like what can I
do to help to say, hey, my kid,really they've always wanted to
learn the guitar.
Could you just pick them up onThursday afternoons and spend
some time with them and trustthat your community can kind of
(25:40):
fill in the gaps a little bit.
Colleen Montague (25:42):
Because they want to jump in and help you in
some way and it's so hard toknow how to help a family who's
grieving.
But when you know there's thosepeople out there that have said
, let me know if there'ssomething, anything I can do,
then there's that openinvitation right there and I
love your idea, Erin, of justfinding that little area where
(26:03):
somebody else could jump in andhelp support you.
Brad Quillen (26:13):
Hey, one of the complexities I think about with
kiddos when they've had a deathof a sibling is there's some
emotions they never knew wereeven inside of them that have
been brought out because of thisdeath.
And they've lost their roommate, their best buddy, you know,
their partner in crime aroundthe house right as they got into
mischief together.
But they're feeling things thatthey've never felt before and
sometimes that can be thecomplexity of trying to help
your kiddo or kiddos understandtheir feelings and even name it
and put a title to it.
Colleen Montague (26:32):
A place I like to start with that are
children's books.
There's so many good ones outthere now talking about just so
many different emotions, whetheror not grief related you could
do either, but that just allowsa child to experience their
world through the pages of astory and through a different
character and it's safer toidentify.
(26:52):
It puts words to thoughts orfeelings that they've been
having and it just gets goodconversation started.
And Erin, you've said as anadult you've found comfort in
reading books written by otherswho have experienced a similar
loss and how that's helped youto feel seen and understood.
Erin Nelson (27:10):
Yeah, I can think of so many books that have
brought me comfort and hearingthe stories of others, even
though I don't really know them.
But being able to hear theirread their story and even after
Carter died I read a book thatwas just so important to me and
helped me feel so it reallybrought me comfort and I think
(27:30):
about it a lot and I just thinklike whatever we can do to feel
less alone and to just knowwe're not the only one.
Sometimes that means onlinesupport groups, sometimes it
means finding a grief center inyour area or a counselor taking
a walk with your friend everyday.
Colleen Montague (27:46):
So whatever we can do to just find some
support that's consistent andwhen, your child shows you these
big feelings, that they aremaybe new to them as well.
You get to be that containerand getting yourself into a
place where you feel regulatedor you know calm, if you can,
and just be there to hold thatwith them, because what you're
(28:07):
communicating in that moment iswhat they're feeling actually
heard is if these big feelingsdon't scare you, mom or dad,
then they don't have to scare meeither, and it just shows that
it's okay, this is expected.
These feelings, this is common.
This happens when you'regrieving and you're so mad or
you're so scared.
Brad Quillen (28:28):
And we were speaking of resources, and a
great resource is the Jessica'sHouse website that has a number
of resources on there forfamilies that have experienced
the death of a child and quite afew things on our resource tab
that you can find there.
And, Erin, I know one of thequestions we get often from
parents or hear from kids isabout pain, the sibling that's
died, is do they feel painanymore because they might have
(28:49):
had a terminal illness or somelife limiting abilities towards
the end of life?
But how do we address that here?
Erin Nelson (28:55):
Yes, we talk about bodies when they stop working.
Right, and sometimes childrenwill have questions about that.
And after we explain death to achild, we can just say you know
, they're no longer breathing,they can no longer feel pain,
they're not hungry or cold.
Because the sibling mightwonder, because this is somebody
(29:16):
that was with you all the time,right, and you're wondering
just in real time what isactually going on with them
right now, in this moment, andso being able to explain what
death is like is so important,and just to keep that
conversation going.
Brad Quillen (29:30):
Hey, as we wrap up the show today, we want to
leave you with a healingpractice, and that is the idea
of memory bookmaking.
Now, I know some of you hearthat and you automatically think
there's very few memories togive or memories to put in that
book.
So, Colleen, what do you say tothose that are listening right
now?
That that popped into theirhead as soon as they heard me
(29:50):
say memory bookmaking.
Colleen Montague (29:52):
I think such a common concern that we hear
from parents is just the fearthat they're going to forget,
and if they're worried aboutthat, I can only imagine that
the kids are too.
Yeah, you know worried thatthey're going to forget what
their brother's laugh soundedlike or what their sister's
smile looked like, and so comingalongside them and together
(30:13):
creating a memory book withphotos or stories or just drawn
pictures.
But the reason that you'redoing this you can explain to
them is that we don't want toforget, and so let's make this
book together so that we can goback to it during times where
we're worried we're forgetting.
Now the reality could be thatyour other child or children
(30:35):
were very young when theirsibling died, and so maybe they
don't have a lot of memories.
But that doesn't stop you fromthis activity.
That's where you get to sharewith them memories that you have
, and even if it's, you know,memories of their older sibling
interacting with them as a babyand what they liked to play like
your brother loved to playpeekaboo with you and including
(30:57):
that in the book.
Another reality of your storycould be that the child who died
was perhaps a stillbirth.
You know, maybe they weren'tever able to be born into this
world, and so you don't have anymemories with them, and your
child doesn't have any memorieswith them beyond you being
pregnant, which is a memory, andso they can talk about that,
(31:18):
you can write about that or draw.
But from there, what aboutwriting the memories you wish
you could have had with them, orwhat you thought it could have
been like?
So it doesn't have to be 100%accurate.
It can also be those wishingsof what you wish could have been
(31:40):
.
Erin Nelson (31:40):
Yeah, it is, as your children just make space
for wishes and wonderings and asyou, as a parent, just come
alongside them.
I just want to say that youknow, as you are present to your
children who have experiencedthe loss of their sibling, you
don't really think that you'llever heal just yourself as a
parent, from this unimaginableloss, and also that you know you
may wonder if your child willheal.
(32:02):
And, just to know, just giveyourself compassion as you're
coming alongside them and asyou're finding ways to heal
together as a family, to knowthat you won't always feel the
way you do right now, today.
Brad Quillen (32:14):
Erin, and Colleen, it's always so enriching for me
to be here and appreciate yourtime.
Thank you to those of youlistening.
A reminder as we said before,there's a number of great
resources for you atjessicashouse.
org and if you have anyquestions or any needs that we
can help with, reach out to usat info@ jessicashouse.
org.
Be sure to join us next timefor another episode of When
(32:35):
Grief Comes Home.
Until then, we wish you well.
Gary Shriver (32:40):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(33:02):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(33:24):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time for When
Grief Comes Home.
Hello and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a
podcast dedicated to parentsliving through loss while
supporting their child.
Let's meet the team.
Erin Nelson (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at
Jessica's House.
Colleen Montague (00:15):
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, program
director for Jessica's House anda licensed marriage and family
therapist.
Brad Quillen (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When
Grief Comes Home.
Gary Shriver (00:25):
This podcast goes along with a book of the same
name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
who are grieving a partner orchild, while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers.
Now let's go to the team asthey share grief resources and
(00:48):
coping skills, heartfelt storiesand insights to support parents
as they raise children who aregrieving.
Together, you'll find strengthas we learn to live with loss
and find ways to heal.
Brad Quillen (01:01):
Hello, hello, it's Brad from Jessica's House.
Today we're talking aboutsibling loss and how to support
your child.
You are caught between twoworlds.
Your thoughts are with yourchild who died, but also the
attempt to be present with yourchildren.
Erin, Colleen, it's good to seeyou both today and we're going
to jump in and start talkingabout supporting children after
they've had a death of one oftheir siblings.
(01:22):
And most of those listeningtoday understand a little bit
about your story, Erin, thatyour son Carter has died, and
there are things that we talkabout at Jessica's house called
linking objects that your familystill uses as they remember him
and kind of keeps themconnected.
As we start talking aboutsiblings, would you mind sharing
a little bit about what linkingobjects are and kind of how you
(01:44):
guys use those in your ownfamily?
Erin Nelson (01:46):
Yeah, so linking objects.
You know, when someone dies youjust want to be connected to
them in some way and you want tohave something that connects
you to them.
And a linking object is usuallysomething that belonged to the
person who died and somethingthat you can still have with you
.
And one thing that Carter wasknown for is wearing his flannel
(02:09):
shirts, and so he had all hisfavorites and so after he died,
we all kind of got one of hisflannels and we would just wear
them.
I know my daughter now, willcontinue to wear his flannel,
kind of as a little jacket, andshe also has like a little
flannel shirt kind of ornamentthat's in her car that she just
(02:32):
keeps there to remember Carter.
And so, yeah, just thoseconnections that we want to keep
alive and just somethingtangible that we can hold in our
hand that reminds us of ourperson.
Brad Quillen (02:45):
Yeah, I think a lot of us have linking objects.
I have a wedding ring of mygrandfather's that I wear, but
we all have something fromfriends and family that kind of
keep us grounded to remindingourselves of who has died before
us.
Erin Nelson (02:57):
Yeah.
Brad Quillen (02:58):
And one of the things that we have talked about
in previous episodes incommunication is just that truth
factor, Colleen, and wanting tobe honest and transparent about
how, or answers to some of thequestions that kids have about
their brother or sister that'sdied and that might be hard for
some parents to hear, and we'vealso talked about the reality of
(03:19):
some of the answers are.
I don't know right now.
And so would you mind justreminding those parents that are
listening, those moms and dads,about the importance of truth
but also just that transparencypiece too.
Colleen Montague (03:30):
The difficulty of experiencing such a
devastating loss and then nowyou also have to deliver that
news to your other children isso hard and, like we've said
before, is also so important tobe with your child and to share
the news and to just give themhonest, clear answers, according
(03:51):
to you know what they're ableto understand based on their age
, and you know theappropriateness of the details
you share.
But it is so important thatthey know that you'll tell them
the truth and that they can cometo you with questions that they
have.
And just like you said, Brad,you may not have all the answers
yet and those come in time, andso you can be honest and just
(04:14):
say I don't know that yet, butI'll let you know when I find
out.
But there's so muchmiscommunication that can happen
after someone dies, and so ifyou can meet with your child as
soon as you're able and startthat conversation with them,
that is a really good way tojust kind of hold them as they
(04:36):
enter into this space with youof this reality that their
sibling has died and really thisconversation is going to
continue for the rest of theirlife as they grow and their
understanding of loss deepensand matures.
You'll still be talking aboutthis with them in a different
way or shape, but it is aconversation that will continue.
Brad Quillen (04:57):
And I think we as adults and as parents and some
are listening think that they'regoing to get a barrage of
questions about some of thecircumstances or how or you know
, the disease or the accident,all those things.
But it's usually not a barrageof questions, usually it's one
or two, Erin, that the kiddoswill come with you.
Erin Nelson (05:15):
We notice that kids go and they as questions come
up, if they, you know, they canask them to their parents, and
then a lot of times they go offand it could be several days or
even weeks.
Months might go by and theyhave more questions and whatever
we can do as parents to be thattrusted resource for them, that
(05:36):
we will, as parents, tell themthe truth and that they can
always come to us with anythingthat they're wondering, and
sometimes we can even start thatquestion with like I'm
wondering what you're wondering.
And to open up thoseconversations, we talk sometimes
here at Jessica's house aboutthis acronym called SOLAR and it
(05:58):
really is just like creatingsafety for someone to say
whatever is on their mind, andso it's just simply like just
sitting down, opening up yourbody posture, leaning in, having
eye contact, and reallyrelaxing, and whatever we can do
as a parent.
We act as a container for ourchild's emotions and what that
(06:20):
means is that as we learn waysto really calm our own nervous
system, then we can helpco-regulate and calm our child's
nervous system, and sometimeswe need a moment, and that's
okay, as our child's asking usquestions, and if we're just
kind of more activated and wedon't feel that calm presence
(06:42):
that we want to be for our child, maybe we just need a second.
We need to go outside in natureand just take some deep breaths
and come back and it's okay toeven communicate that to your
child, to say hey, I just need asecond to just take a deep
breath.
Brad Quillen (07:02):
And there's a word that we hear at Jessica's House
, and it's this idea of thesomatic that we feel that in our
body when someone's died.
Erin Nelson (07:11):
We talk so much about somatic, which really just
means body, and how grief isreally energy in our body and
how when we feel that energy inour body and that grief in our
body, it's just giving, it's anindication that it needs to be
expressed in some way so we cancommunicate to our kids.
And sometimes they need to goplay, like use really big
(07:33):
muscles and big energy and gooutside and play, and other
times crying helps relieve thatand other times it just could be
expression through art or music.
So there are all kinds of waysthat kids can express.
Colleen Montague (07:48):
And when you have those first conversations,
we've talked about being astudent of your child their
response to this news issomething we can't predict, and
so you may assume there will bebig tears and protests, and
maybe there isn't.
Maybe your child needs a minuteto process it.
(08:10):
Maybe they won't even have abig response for you right away,
but that also doesn't meanthey're okay or that there's
something wrong with them fornot having a response.
Just trusting the timing ofeach of your children's
different responses to this newsit will be another thing to
keep in mind.
Erin Nelson (08:29):
I think what we hear here at Jessica's House is
that kids can feel a lot ofshame when they can't cry.
And you know, maybe otherpeople in the family are crying
and then they are feeling like Iwant to cry but I just actually
can't cry and that can be avery common response.
And, like you said, Colleen,you know each child will have a
(08:51):
different way of grieving and adifferent reaction and so,
whatever that reaction is,sometimes people grieve the way
they live, you know, and if yourchild's just naturally not as
demonstrative in their emotions,you may notice that that's just
them and being able to noticethat and honor each person's way
(09:12):
of grieving in the family.
Brad Quillen (09:14):
Yeah, and there's something unique about each of
the relationships betweensiblings, and so this child
might grieve a littledifferently when their brother
died than the other sibling, andso it's just interesting that
they have different sharedexperiences with the sibling
that's died.
Erin Nelson (09:30):
Yeah, they have a totally different relationship.
So in a family, when someonedies, that relationship is
different with one sibling thanit is with the other, right, and
so it's just.
There are always differentdynamics and different roles
that that sibling played in eachone of their lives, and so we
(09:50):
notice that, as they havedifferent roles, that maybe the
one that was the middle child isnow the baby in the family, and
so it's just so differentbecause they may be missing
their older brother and the onethat modeled things for them and
taught them something, and so,yeah, it can be just all all
kinds of complex dynamics.
Brad Quillen (10:12):
Because they might've shared a room together,
but then the other siblingdidn't.
There's inside jokes that weall have a little different,
with different people in ourlives and different competitions
and things that irk us aboutpeople differently.
But one of those things that wewere talking about a little bit
ago in a previous podcast washaving a script for when someone
asks us, and so a couple ofweeks ago we were talking about
(10:33):
parents having a script andbeing able to answer that
question of how many kids do youhave?
How do we help our kids have ascript and be ready for when
someone at school or on a sportsteam or at church asks how many
brothers and sisters do youhave?
And unfortunately they've hadone that's died.
Colleen Montague (10:48):
I love this idea of prepping them ahead of
time that people are going toask you for the rest of your
life hey, how many siblings doyou have, how many brothers and
sisters do you have?
And really giving thempermission to lead those
conversations the way they feelbest in that moment.
And so just to acknowledge tothem sometimes you might want to
(11:08):
bring it up and say, well, Ihave one brother who's alive and
I have one sister who died, andknowing that the person that
they say that to might ask morequestions and, you know, do they
feel ready to answer those, orteaching them that it's okay if
they don't want to answer it,it's not a conversation they
feel comfortable having, and sothey can just say I have one
(11:29):
brother and it doesn't make thembad, it's not disrespectful to
their sister, it's just how theyneed to take care of themselves
in that moment, and that'salways changing.
Brad Quillen (11:39):
And I think there's even a great teaching
point that you've talked aboutbefore of sharing that news and
then being expectant for changein the conversation or the
awkwardness to happen thatsomeone's caught off guard, that
you've had a brother or sisterthat's died, like how do you
help them have a script for that?
Colleen Montague (11:57):
Yeah, I think just telling them they may not
be able to understand whatthat's like and they may not
know how to respond to you andit's not because there's
anything wrong with you or thefact that your sister has died.
It's something that theyhaven't experienced, and so they
don't know what to say, and soprepping them that that could be
the response they get mightmake it feel a little less scary
(12:20):
or awkward if that's whathappens, and then telling them
but you might end up tellingsomebody who does want to talk
about it and does ask youquestions.
And so then, if that happens,what do you want to tell them
about your sister and, thinkingabout that ahead of time, what
they would want to share abouttheir sister?
Brad Quillen (12:37):
Yeah, what's the one thing you'd want them to
know?
Or how would you introduce yoursister to the person that asks?
Colleen Montague (12:42):
Yeah, because really we want to encourage them
to keep talking about theirsibling for the rest of their
lives.
If they want to do that, weencourage our kids here at
Jessica's House to do that.
That person will always be apart of their story in their
life.
Really, a sibling was theirfirst companion in life that
they've lost, and so they'regoing to grieve that forever.
(13:04):
But how can we help, supportthem in continuing the memory?
Brad Quillen (13:09):
And as you talk about that, as we talk about
supporting your child after theloss of their sibling Erin, we
talk about that you're going togrieve forever, that you're
going to miss them forever, andthere's events that are coming
down the road, that siblings areto be there for each other and
how do we address that withkiddos and prep them for down
the road?
It might not be in the next fewweeks or months, but I mean
these are the milestone eventsin one's lives.
Erin Nelson (13:32):
Yeah, to not have someone, you know, to have
someone missing from all themilestones and it's always in
the room, right, that person.
It's like the loudest voice inthe room that the person is
missing from every birthday,from graduations to celebrations
and all of that.
And to really acknowledge that,to maybe even find a way to
(13:55):
remember them, even in ourfamily, right now we have a
really important family weddingcoming up and we're thinking of
ways to remember Carter andthere will be an empty chair,
and so we're talking about thatand how we want to honor him,
and so we're thinking about thatahead of time as a family, and
so just being able to keep thatopen and always going to the
(14:19):
kids for their ideas you knowkids have the best ideas, right
and so going to them and askingthem how do you want to remember
them this Christmas, or how doyou want to remember them on
your birthday, Asking themquestions like what do you think
they would have thought aboutthat birthday present you got?
And you know those areconversations that we have here
(14:39):
at Jessica's House.
In fact, I just had one lastweek about, you know, what would
they think about, because oneof them just went to Disneyland,
a child in my group and I saidwell, what ride would they have
enjoyed the most?
And so they were talking aboutthis particular roller coaster
and how their sibling would havereacted on it, and so even
(14:59):
being able to say like if youcould have, you know, gone with
them, if they could have joinedyou here, sometimes making up in
imagination what you can't makein reality can really help, and
so sometimes just keeping themalive in some way and keeping a
connection means that you bringthem into that present moment
and just wonder what they wouldhave wanted or how they may have
(15:23):
reacted.
Brad Quillen (15:24):
You were just talking about almost
make-believe in some ways ofgiving kids control to create,
and for some kids there wastrauma involved in how their
sibling died.
And trying to give kids thechoice and trying to how they
want to remember them andinvolve them in future events.
Hey, we're going to take aquick break and after that we're
going to talk a little bitabout the complexities that come
(15:45):
along with sibling loss.
Gary Shriver (15:47):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(16:09):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(16:31):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Brad Quillen (16:38):
Hey, welcome back to segment two of supporting
your child after loss of theirsibling and Erin, we wanted to
take a few minutes and just talkabout some of the complexities
that come with that reality, andone of those big complexities
is emotions.
Erin Nelson (16:53):
I think what we hear so much after a sibling
dies is we hear about fears, wehear about anxiety, something,
especially if a sibling diedfrom an illness, the other
siblings may wonder you know,will I contract a similar
illness?
Or, if it was an accident, willI die also in an accident like
(17:15):
this?
And as a parent, you cancommunicate that it is natural,
just like after someone dies,that we reflect on what we call
it in adult language, like we'remore aware of our mortality,
but it's we are just more awarethat people can die.
Like sometimes you don't reallythink that's possible.
But for a child after someonedies, especially someone so
(17:37):
close, like a sibling, theybecome aware that people could
die and they could possibly alsodie.
We've heard at Jessica's House,and especially I can think of a
child who died of a brain tumor,and their sibling, when they
would get a headache, would justthink, oh, maybe I have a brain
tumor too, I'm next.
(18:00):
And to normalize that, to sayit's just so normal to be
thinking about how you couldalso die too, because this
happened to you, and to say, youknow, even as a parent like.
Sometimes I get a pain and Ialso will wonder if something
more serious going on, right.
And so just to normalize thatand to say you know you think of
(18:21):
things now that you neverthought about before, because
your safety bubble has beenpopped right in some ways and so
you're opening up to these newrealities that really hard and
bad things happen in the world.
It's like you wish you couldjust protect your children from
all of that, but when it happensto your family, then you're
(18:43):
faced with the complexities.
Brad Quillen (18:45):
I know in the last episode in the podcast we
talked a little bit about this,but someone might just be
listening to this one episodeand one of those big fears,
angsts, is what if somethinghappens to my parent that's
alive, or another sibling likewhat?
How fragile kids feel in allthose moments.
Erin Nelson (19:03):
I think the fragility is pretty deep and
being able to communicate thatyou're doing everything that you
can as their parent to takereally good care of yourself you
can always even get a checkupfrom your family doctor and
communicate with your child thatyou're doing everything that
you can to stay healthy, yourchild, that you're doing
(19:27):
everything that you can to stayhealthy and just anything that
you can do to connect and bringsafety and reassurance to your
child can really help.
Brad Quillen (19:32):
Hey, Colleen, you help out with a night here that
is labeled sibling loss, andthat's the reality of the group
that happens at night orfamilies that have had a death
of a child, and one of thosethings that we'll hear at
Jessica's House is sometimessurvivor's guilt and how that
plays a part into someone'sgrief process.
Colleen Montague (19:51):
I'm really glad that you brought that up,
Brad.
That's so true.
The reality of havingsurvivor's guilt you know why
did I get to live while theydied and even just regrets about
their actions, their past.
You know things that they said.
You kids just siblingsnaturally fight.
You know they squabble over allof the things.
(20:14):
But now they might reallyregret that and hold a lot of
bad feelings towards themselvesabout it, like oh, why was I, I
was such a bad brother or such abad sister, which is not even
true.
But those natural regrets justseep in wherever there's a
little opening.
Brad Quillen (20:30):
Why didn't I help with their homework, or why
didn't I say this or say that?
You know like all those regretscome to surface.
Colleen Montague (20:37):
Yeah, and I said that before, just naturally
in life we hold regrets aboutrelationships that we have with
people, but then when somebodydies and they're gone, those
regrets are just amplified.
The finality of that and notbeing able to ever rectify that.
Erin Nelson (20:52):
Kids can sometimes think that when they are seeing
those things or maybe they'rehaving these really bad thoughts
about their sibling because,hey, siblings can be super
annoying, right, that right,let's be honest.
But you know, when they'rehaving those those feelings and
those thoughts, that they caneven think that somehow they
caused their sibling to diesomehow and they can feel that
(21:15):
guilt, and they, you know, as aparent, something that we can do
is reassure them that there'sthere's nothing that you said,
there are no thoughts that youthought that could ever make
your sibling's body stop workingright, there's nothing you
could have said or thought thatcould keep them alive, right.
And so there's just so muchreassurance, just that
(21:38):
consistent reassurance needed.
Colleen Montague (21:40):
Something you might have to remind them of the
other times they were a reallygood sibling to their brother or
their sister.
You know we can get hyperfocused on the what ifs or the
negatives, but you know you canreflect that back to them.
You're feeling guilty aboutthat time you guys were fighting
over the toy and it fell andbroke.
But then you can shift themindset to remind them of the
(22:01):
good times that where they werea really good brother to them.
Brad Quillen (22:04):
Let me ask you guys this, there's seasons where
the emotions and thecomplexities and the fragility
and all that seems like it'smore and it's on the surface,
and then there's seasons whereit feels like it's a little
lower with your kid or kiddos.
How often should parents kindof be checking in and trying to
just sit down and haveconversation or maybe even doing
some sort of board game orsomething with your hands, but
(22:27):
with the reality of I want tohave conversation and just check
in with the kiddos?
Erin Nelson (22:31):
Yeah, I think that's just, it's all the time
right, it's just consistent, andwhen you talked about just the
differences and you know theymay have different emotions at
different times I think it seemsto me that one sibling or one
child in your family atdifferent times will need you
more and just as that presentsitself and as they come to you,
(22:53):
with something just stayingconsistently connected and that
can just be your physicalpresence.
I love the idea of a board game, that so you're doing something
while you're kind of havingnatural conversations.
I've had parents tell me thattheir best conversations are in
the car, just side by side andjust continuing to have that
physical presence.
(23:13):
Even just knowing that aftersomeone dies and after trauma,
just physical touch and physicalproximity and affection is very
healing as well for everyoneand it can really help.
And so just keeping thatconsistent presence.
Colleen Montague (23:32):
One thing that I like to try with my own kids
is try to spend 10 minutes a dayone-on-one with them, and it
doesn't seem like a lot of time,but it's intentional time with
them, and so can you give eachof your children 10 minutes a
day of uninterrupted one-on-onetime, and if you've got three
kids, that's 30 minutes, youknow.
(23:52):
Can you squeeze that out ofyour day and put the benefits of
that of them knowing thatthey're going to get you and
obviously don't set a timer infront of them but for them to
know that they get that timewith you every day is really
important and it matters.
It's something that they knowthat's a constant.
Erin Nelson (24:19):
And sometimes those are just routines which we know
it's one of those guidelinesthat we talk to parents about so
much is just keeping routinesas much as possible, and
sometimes those bedtimeroutines, the morning routines,
the chores that they're stillresponsible for, even though
this happened in our family.
These are very anchoringrhythms to just keep them going
and sometimes you are naturallyjust spending time with them,
even in those routines.
Brad Quillen (24:39):
And I think the greatest thing you can give your
children and all of this, and Iagree, but as sometimes, grace
for yourself, because there'sonly so much of you to go around
and you're trying to take care,as a parent, of the kiddos and
all the other responsibilitiesof life.
But we need to give ourselvesgrace.
Erin Nelson (24:54):
Yeah, and you can't do it all by yourself.
So finding support, findingpeople just that are naturally
around you neighbors and friendsand extended family to help you
with little things.
And what if you weren't able tospend as much time as you
wanted to?
Maybe they could do somethingreally special with your child.
And we've heard stories aboutthe uncles that are really fun
(25:17):
and they want to pick the kidsup and just take them and you
know, just run around and youknow, just go play soccer or
whatever it is.
So whatever you can do, aspeople ask you, like what can I
do to help to say, hey, my kid,really they've always wanted to
learn the guitar.
Could you just pick them up onThursday afternoons and spend
some time with them and trustthat your community can kind of
(25:40):
fill in the gaps a little bit.
Colleen Montague (25:42):
Because they want to jump in and help you in
some way and it's so hard toknow how to help a family who's
grieving.
But when you know there's thosepeople out there that have said
, let me know if there'ssomething, anything I can do,
then there's that openinvitation right there and I
love your idea, Erin, of justfinding that little area where
(26:03):
somebody else could jump in andhelp support you.
Brad Quillen (26:13):
Hey, one of the complexities I think about with
kiddos when they've had a deathof a sibling is there's some
emotions they never knew wereeven inside of them that have
been brought out because of thisdeath.
And they've lost their roommate, their best buddy, you know,
their partner in crime aroundthe house right as they got into
mischief together.
But they're feeling things thatthey've never felt before and
sometimes that can be thecomplexity of trying to help
your kiddo or kiddos understandtheir feelings and even name it
and put a title to it.
Colleen Montague (26:32):
A place I like to start with that are
children's books.
There's so many good ones outthere now talking about just so
many different emotions, whetheror not grief related you could
do either, but that just allowsa child to experience their
world through the pages of astory and through a different
character and it's safer toidentify.
(26:52):
It puts words to thoughts orfeelings that they've been
having and it just gets goodconversation started.
And Erin, you've said as anadult you've found comfort in
reading books written by otherswho have experienced a similar
loss and how that's helped youto feel seen and understood.
Erin Nelson (27:10):
Yeah, I can think of so many books that have
brought me comfort and hearingthe stories of others, even
though I don't really know them.
But being able to hear theirread their story and even after
Carter died I read a book thatwas just so important to me and
helped me feel so it reallybrought me comfort and I think
(27:30):
about it a lot and I just thinklike whatever we can do to feel
less alone and to just knowwe're not the only one.
Sometimes that means onlinesupport groups, sometimes it
means finding a grief center inyour area or a counselor taking
a walk with your friend everyday.
Colleen Montague (27:46):
So whatever we can do to just find some
support that's consistent andwhen, your child shows you these
big feelings, that they aremaybe new to them as well.
You get to be that containerand getting yourself into a
place where you feel regulatedor you know calm, if you can,
and just be there to hold thatwith them, because what you're
(28:07):
communicating in that moment iswhat they're feeling actually
heard is if these big feelingsdon't scare you, mom or dad,
then they don't have to scare meeither, and it just shows that
it's okay, this is expected.
These feelings, this is common.
This happens when you'regrieving and you're so mad or
you're so scared.
Brad Quillen (28:28):
And we were speaking of resources, and a
great resource is the Jessica'sHouse website that has a number
of resources on there forfamilies that have experienced
the death of a child and quite afew things on our resource tab
that you can find there.
And, Erin, I know one of thequestions we get often from
parents or hear from kids isabout pain, the sibling that's
died, is do they feel painanymore because they might have
(28:49):
had a terminal illness or somelife limiting abilities towards
the end of life?
But how do we address that here?
Erin Nelson (28:55):
Yes, we talk about bodies when they stop working.
Right, and sometimes childrenwill have questions about that.
And after we explain death to achild, we can just say you know
, they're no longer breathing,they can no longer feel pain,
they're not hungry or cold.
Because the sibling mightwonder, because this is somebody
(29:16):
that was with you all the time,right, and you're wondering
just in real time what isactually going on with them
right now, in this moment, andso being able to explain what
death is like is so important,and just to keep that
conversation going.
Brad Quillen (29:30):
Hey, as we wrap up the show today, we want to
leave you with a healingpractice, and that is the idea
of memory bookmaking.
Now, I know some of you hearthat and you automatically think
there's very few memories togive or memories to put in that
book.
So, Colleen, what do you say tothose that are listening right
now?
That that popped into theirhead as soon as they heard me
(29:50):
say memory bookmaking.
Colleen Montague (29:52):
I think such a common concern that we hear
from parents is just the fearthat they're going to forget,
and if they're worried aboutthat, I can only imagine that
the kids are too.
Yeah, you know worried thatthey're going to forget what
their brother's laugh soundedlike or what their sister's
smile looked like, and so comingalongside them and together
(30:13):
creating a memory book withphotos or stories or just drawn
pictures.
But the reason that you'redoing this you can explain to
them is that we don't want toforget, and so let's make this
book together so that we can goback to it during times where
we're worried we're forgetting.
Now the reality could be thatyour other child or children
(30:35):
were very young when theirsibling died, and so maybe they
don't have a lot of memories.
But that doesn't stop you fromthis activity.
That's where you get to sharewith them memories that you have
, and even if it's, you know,memories of their older sibling
interacting with them as a babyand what they liked to play like
your brother loved to playpeekaboo with you and including
(30:57):
that in the book.
Another reality of your storycould be that the child who died
was perhaps a stillbirth.
You know, maybe they weren'tever able to be born into this
world, and so you don't have anymemories with them, and your
child doesn't have any memorieswith them beyond you being
pregnant, which is a memory, andso they can talk about that,
(31:18):
you can write about that or draw.
But from there, what aboutwriting the memories you wish
you could have had with them, orwhat you thought it could have
been like?
So it doesn't have to be 100%accurate.
It can also be those wishingsof what you wish could have been
(31:40):
.
Erin Nelson (31:40):
Yeah, it is, as your children just make space
for wishes and wonderings and asyou, as a parent, just come
alongside them.
I just want to say that youknow, as you are present to your
children who have experiencedthe loss of their sibling, you
don't really think that you'llever heal just yourself as a
parent, from this unimaginableloss, and also that you know you
may wonder if your child willheal.
(32:02):
And, just to know, just giveyourself compassion as you're
coming alongside them and asyou're finding ways to heal
together as a family, to knowthat you won't always feel the
way you do right now, today.
Brad Quillen (32:14):
Erin, and Colleen, it's always so enriching for me
to be here and appreciate yourtime.
Thank you to those of youlistening.
A reminder as we said before,there's a number of great
resources for you atjessicashouse.
org and if you have anyquestions or any needs that we
can help with, reach out to usat info@ jessicashouse.
org.
Be sure to join us next timefor another episode of When
(32:35):
Grief Comes Home.
Until then, we wish you well.
Gary Shriver (32:40):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(33:02):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(33:24):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time for When
Grief Comes Home.
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