October 7, 2024 • 35 mins
Welcome to the When Grief Comes Home podcast. We're glad you're here. This podcast supports parents who are grieving a spouse, partner, or child while helping their children who are living through the loss of a parent or sibling. With personal grief stories and professional guidance, we offer parents practical tips for supporting their child who is grieving while caring for their own grief.
What happens when you are faced with the unimaginable loss of a partner or child? In this episode of "When Grief Comes Home," we explore the intense feelings of early grief and discuss the importance of listening to your body's needs. We offer solace and understanding for those in early grief, reassuring them that these physical and emotional responses are a normal part of the healing process.
Join us as we discuss practical ideas for managing visitors and finding what helps you and your children the most during the early days. We offer space for parents to model emotions for children and to find ways to create routines for a sense of stability. By distinguishing between grief and mourning, we look at how expressing sorrow is essential for parents and children as they heal. This episode offers practical advice and compassionate support for grief, ensuring that no one feels alone in their pain.
Please subscribe to the When Grief Comes Home podcast and leave us a review. The more stars, reviews, and downloads the show receives, the more parents and families in grief can find support.
Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L
For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to when Grief Comes Home, a podcast
dedicated to parents livingthrough loss while supporting
their child.
Let's meet the team.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Jessica's House.
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague,program director for Jessica's
House and a licensed marriageand family therapist.
Speaker 4 (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of when Grief
Comes Home.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Now through this podcast, they'll share grief
resources and coping skills,heartfelt stories and insights
to support parents as they raisechildren who are grieving
Together.
You'll find strength as welearn to live with loss and find
ways to heal.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
Hello, hello, thanks for being here today.
Today, on when Grief Comes Home, we're going to be talking
about the early days followingthe death of a loved one.
We know that so many of you arejust trying to survive in those
first few days or even weeksafter the death, and some of the
common questions we get here atJessica's house is will I ever
be okay?
Aaron, you experienced thatafter Tyler's death.
(01:07):
Would you share a little bitabout that with our listeners?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yeah, brad, I thank you.
I think when I think about justthose early days after a death
I think you know there are somany changes you feel so
disoriented and I feel like evenwaking up in the morning,
you're like, oh my goodness,that really happened.
And I think that question thatyou asked like will we be okay
(01:33):
that is a question that you askyourself throughout the day is
like what are we going to do?
Will we be okay?
Everything's changed and youjust really can't believe that
this actually happened.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
Right, yeah, it's that I have all kinds of new
things to do today, but where doI even begin?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Right, yeah, where do we?
I even begin?
When you wake up and it's likeyou remember that happened, and
even if you got a few hours ofsleep in the night, off and on,
it's just a lot of times youhave images and just your brain
is working overtime to even makesense of this new reality and
(02:20):
so there's just so much going onin your body and in your brain
and, yeah, just a lot ofquestions, a lot of confusion
sometimes.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
I've heard families tell me numbness, shock, fog,
lethargy, just even emptiness.
That not even knowing what thenext step is in that first day
that you wake up or the hoursafter it might have been in the
morning when the death happenedthat afternoon.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Yeah, yeah, it's just like this.
I think a lot of those wordsthat you said, and especially
just thinking about thatemptiness, it's just that
there's just that void of thatperson's presence.
You feel it inside of you.
It's like this sense of home ismissing and you know that
(03:12):
you're just searching for it tobe the way it was and you're
just grasping for that.
There's just this longing forthe person, a searching for them
so much of the time and, yeah,just processing what physically
happened to them.
Speaker 4 (03:28):
Yeah, and every time the door opens you think that's
them coming back in, cause theydid it hundreds and hundreds of
times before.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Yes, you look for them and also many times,
especially for the audience, youknow, and the listeners today,
that we're talking to thinkingabout the loss of a child or you
know the loss of a spouse or apartner.
Like that spouse or partnerthat would be the person you
process with more than likely.
(03:56):
You know of big things thathappened to you.
I remember thinking about that,like the person I wanted to
talk to the most was gone, WasTyler, and I wanted to say
things like oh, I have to tellyou something.
Like the person I wanted totalk to the most was gone Was
Tyler?
And I wanted to say things likeoh, I have to tell you something
.
Like the worst thing happened,you died.
Like you want to tell them whathappened.
It's just such a strangefeeling.
It's like your brain does abackflip, or something.
Speaker 4 (04:19):
And I use some of those big words of the numbness
or the fog or that lethargy orjust some of those words Can you
talk a little bit about?
That's the body's natural wayof taking care of itself, and
just some of those rhythms thatwe get into in those early days.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Well, you know, grief work is slow work and grief
energy has a natural downwardmovement and so so much of the
time when we talk about thelethargy of grief, we're talking
about our muscles and just ourlimbs feeling heavy.
And you know, we hear so muchof the time I just felt like
something was just weighing medown.
(04:57):
It's just that feeling of justbeing a different kind of tired,
you know, just that veryexhausted feeling and, um, yeah,
it's just.
It's just kind of likesomeone's just physically
pulling you down.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
I'm glad you kind of defined it, because I just threw
it out there Lethargy you knowwe talk about it, but someone
might be listening and thinkingthat's what I'm feeling and
that's normal.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
It's normal.
I I remember after Tyler diedhe died on June 20th and I went
back to Monterey for 4th of Julyto be with family and just the
drive, like I mentioned earlier,that two hour drive, feeling
like I couldn't stay awake tomake the drive just constantly
like air in my face just tryingto move around.
(05:46):
And because when I finally satdown I was just so much more
tired than I realized and it washard to, I thought like I
probably need to pull over for asecond and take a nap.
So yeah, it's just sointeresting how you can feel
that in your body.
Speaker 4 (06:02):
Can you talk about just trusting your body for
those that are listening, thatthat they're okay and it's doing
that work of the peaking andthe receding and those things?
Can you just share a little bitabout that that you've learned
over the years?
Speaker 2 (06:16):
I think you know what we've learned I think on a
personal level and thenprofessionally is what we've
learned is that bodies never lie.
You know when your body isteaching you something like what
I was feeling.
Ideally I should have taken anap right, so you were tired.
Speaker 4 (06:31):
You should have pulled over, right.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Exactly.
It wasn't quite possible atthat time, but but truly like
being able to just wait for thatfeeling of being tired and just
sleeping when you can andreally just feeling just letting
your body guide you A lot oftimes.
What we're talking about iskind of how like it's like the
weather.
You know the weather shifts andit changes, and so trusting,
(06:56):
like even today, I mean, here inthe Central Valley of
California, we woke up to notmuch wind, the sky is blue,
right, and but you know what itcould change by after lunch.
In fact, brian told me thismorning hey, it's going to get
really windy today.
Speaker 4 (07:12):
Here come the allergies right.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Right.
And so just thinking about justhow weather changes and how the
emotions of our grief changeover time and trusting that,
even when you're feeling areally intense emotion that you
can trust as it moves throughyou, right and I think that's
what we kind of talk about evenin the book is noticing what's
(07:35):
in your body, that energy ofgrief, and how it moves.
And if you think of it like theweather and if you imagine like
you have a weather vane, kindof that weather points you to
what you need.
And so what is it like wetalked about?
Do you need a nap?
Do you need a snack?
Do you need a person to justgive you a hug?
Do you need to just, you know,be with someone, even it's just
(07:59):
side by side?
Do you need to take a walkoutside?
Like, what is it that you needto get you to that next moment?
Speaker 4 (08:05):
Right, because we got to go moment by moment.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
That's all we can do.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
Day by day.
Right now, for some, listeningis too much to even think about.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
It's way too much.
Tomorrow's way too far awayright.
Because the weather changesright Moment by moment, and to
just be with whatever is comingup in you and to find a resource
to help you through.
Speaker 4 (08:26):
And I've learned over the years, those first early
days sitting with families, thatand it's kind of like I've been
to Florida a few times wherethe weather's one thing in the
morning, but the afternoon it'sguaranteed to be stormy- and a
chance of rain.
And the humidity rolls in thatthose first few weeks.
That the hour the person died,it's like I go right back to
(08:48):
that.
Right and that low moves inright to where I'm at and no
matter what's going on that daythat I'm right back in that.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
You're right back in that, and it could be certain
times of days of the day that isharder for we've heard some
people say like just sunset.
Like just when it starts, thelight starts changing and dinner
feels so different.
You know, I know, after Tylerdied, we didn't sit at the table
for a year.
We just I didn't have dinnerlike that proper dinner, and I
(09:19):
wouldn't actually recommend that, you know, cause it's so good
to have cute meal times, to seem, but I think just that it was
just so hard to like.
You know, he was on a trip whenhe died, so we were like let's
eat cereal for dinner.
You know, daddy's gone, and sowe never really got out of that
routine.
We can do what we want, yeah,and so.
But I think, you know, justknowing that, yeah, just
(09:45):
everything's changed.
So how do you find your rhythmsagain?
Speaker 4 (09:48):
And before we talk a little bit of your story and
your town and community, I justwant people to know that you
won't always feel what you'refeeling in this moment.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Yeah, there's a lot of hope in that.
Speaker 4 (10:04):
Hanging on to that, that relief that you find as you
express yourself, and you knowjust that relief you find as you
find what you need with aresource really helps you and it
can change everything, and sojust trusting that, and some of
the resources you've talkedabout over the years and we've
(10:25):
we've shared is you were in asmaller community here in
Turlock and Turlock at that timehad 50,000 people in it, but
you kind of had a community ofpeople that were around you and
as you came home you've talkedabout that people were already
at your house when you got home.
But even in those early daysthat that people surrounded you
(10:46):
guys and there's some that thatthat's reality and some that
that don't have that community.
So what, what would you say tosome of those things of of
finding that community and someof those niches?
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Yeah, I think just everyone you know, all of our
listeners will have a differentexperience with community.
Right, and for us, we had someneighbors and friends that
really came alongside us.
But, you know, sometimessomeone might be new to a town
or just not have that naturalsupport, and so finding that in
some way sometimes it's anonline community there, I know,
(11:20):
like NACG, which is anorganization, the National
Alliance for Children's Grief.
They have a resource on theirwebsite which can help someone
find a grief center near themand, you know, just being able
to reach out.
And I just also always want topoint people to our website,
which is jessicashouseorg, justbecause we do have a lot of just
(11:42):
opportunities to find resourcesthere as well.
But, yeah, finding thatcommunity, you know, even if
it's just one person that can bea companion, and we need people
so often who will just be withus.
You know no advice.
We need people so often whowill just be with us.
You know, no advice and any kindof like cheering up or buck up
(12:03):
messages that like, oh, you knowyou'll get through this and you
know time heals all wounds,some of those messages that
don't really honor the gravityof such a significant loss.
And so just finding someone whocan be with you and I think
identifying those people youknow are not helpful can really
(12:27):
help.
And so, whether that means likeeven going in to just having a
sacred space in your home whereyou know that person because it
could even be a family memberwell-intentioned, but just
doesn't understand how it feelswhen you know a spouse or
partner or child dies and sojust being able to really
(12:50):
identify, like who are thosepeople that aren't helpful and
who are helpful.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
I've heard it said in the grief world that there's a
third of the people that arearound us that are helpful, a
third that are just kind of like, and then there's a third that
are not helpful.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Yeah, and you never know who that will be.
And so so interesting, right,because sometimes those people
we really thought would show upfor us, they just don't have the
capacity.
Yeah.
They just that's those aren't,that's not who can be there for
us right now.
And I remember, after Carterdied, our dog groomer like
(13:31):
showed up and it was a mobilegroomer and she was in our
driveway and I just went out andjust fell into her arms and
just cried my cried with her andshe just helped me.
You know she was the dog groomerwas like and she was such a
compassionate presence.
I never thought she would bethat person I would look forward
to seeing Right and so, like I,you just never know who that
person that can just enter inand be a companion for you.
Speaker 4 (13:52):
And I just want people to know that are out
there listening that it's okayto limit visitors and it's okay
to have someone that's takingcare of who's in your home and
who's not, Because sometimeswe're more exhausted and we're
down after having someone thatstopped by that's visited.
That's one of those that ismore work than benefit to being
(14:17):
with.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Yeah, I mean just our energy is, you know, is really
just tapped, and so we don'thave the capacity, and so those
people that are closest to youand just asking those people to
help you to, to just keep you ina place that you can be
protected in that yeah, andallow them to do some of those
(14:40):
tasks around the house anderrands and let someone drive
you when you need to gosomewhere and take their offer.
Speaker 4 (14:48):
Yeah, what do you need?
I need you to drive me toso-and-so.
I need you to go with me to thenext appointment I have.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Yeah, Even just to take notes.
And you know, something that wealways say is not a bad idea is
just go to your family doctor,you know, just have a little
checkup, have somebody go withyou and, um, and they can take
notes, you know.
And also just somebody, if youare kind of going to the funeral
home or doing some preparationsor needing to go to the bank or
(15:17):
whatever it is that you'redoing, Exactly Having somebody
with you just to come alongsideand help you just in those
practical errands that you haveto do.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
And noting who dropped off what.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (15:29):
Because sometimes we feel bad.
Oh, I didn't get everythingback to people, and that's okay
too.
Absolutely, they know, theyknow they know, Aaron, we talked
a little bit about those thingsfor for us, but what are some
of those things we can do inthose early days for our kiddos?
And some that are listeninghave kids that are dependent
upon them.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
Yeah, yeah, those early days for your kids.
I think whatever we can do tojust be there with them, they
may have some questions in thoseearly days about what happened.
They may just go back and forthby, you know, asking questions
and then taking a break.
Something that we talk a lotabout with kids is that, and
(16:11):
also adults, is that you knowthey dose themselves and it's
just kind of like for ourlisteners.
You know, if you were to go tothe doctor and get medicine for
something, you know they dosethemselves and it's just kind of
like for our listeners.
You know if you were to go tothe doctor and get medicine for
something, you know they wouldnever say like take all of this
medicine all at one time, right.
So we dose ourselves like thatin grief, like our bodies and
our brains, like they know.
They know how to just kind oflike a bit by bit, just like you
(16:34):
know just little by little, todose ourselves in just bits and
pieces, and so children can dothat really well.
There are best teachers in thathow they'll come in and check
with you as their parent andthen go back and play.
They may want to if you'rehaving family gatherings just
play with their cousins.
They like to still have fun,and then they'll come back and
(16:55):
check in, and so just yourphysical availability is so
important during that time, tojust be there and answer
questions and, um, you know,just your physical presence is
so much of what they need.
Speaker 4 (17:10):
I'm glad you brought up questions of answering
questions, because there'speople that are listening,
thinking I'm so nervous toanswer some of the questions of
maybe how our loved one died.
I would just caution you and weusually as adults worry more
about it than the kiddos andyou've seen that over the years
of working at Jessica's housethat we adults have 30, 40
(17:33):
questions that we're nervous thekiddo is going to ask.
But in reality the kids don'task much.
It's the dosing you just talkedabout.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Yeah, little by little, right Just bits and
pieces and you know, finding outwhat do they know, what
questions do they have, andanswering them as honestly as
possible.
Speaker 4 (17:52):
Erin, let me ask you this, this question.
We talked just about being inproximity and being present, but
what about checking in with thekiddo Like do you have any
advice around that?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Yeah, I think just checking in with your child
throughout the day, just lettingthem know what's next, and so
during those early days it canbe a little chaotic and so there
could be visitors.
So letting them know this iswho's coming over If you have to
go out, like maybe to thefuneral home or run some other
type of errand, letting themknow who will stay with them,
(18:23):
what you're having for dinneryou know all of those pieces of
letting them know what's nextand even at nighttime letting
them know what the next daylooks like, and just keeping
routines the best they can, buttake the kind of the guesswork
out of it.
They may be wondering what'snext or being ahead of it.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
Aaron, I'm so glad you talked about the transitions
throughout the day and checkingin with them, because there's
so much emotion that's come upwith kiddos and Colleen.
After the break I would love totalk about some of those
children's reactions because ofwhat's happened with the death.
So we're going to come back andtalk about just those things
with Colleen.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
Jessica's House provides freepeer support for children, teens
, young adults and theirfamilies grieving a loss.
If you need grief-relatedsupport, please visit
jessicashouseorg to download ourfree resources and be sure to
(19:21):
follow Jessica's House on socialmedia.
And if you have any questionsor topics you'd like us to
explore in a future episode,just send us an email at info at
jessicashouseorg.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
Welcome back everyone , and in this next segment we
want to take a few minutes andtalk about children's grief
reactions and, colleen, as alicensed marriage and family
therapist, here on staff we leanon you sometimes for some of
this stuff and so I wanted toask you we hear a lot about the
reactions.
What are some of the thingsthat you would help share with
(19:55):
some of our listeners aboutthey're seeing in their kiddos?
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Yeah.
So of course you've got theassumed reaction, that sadness,
that shock.
I think what we've also seen isthe withdrawn or the
indifferent reactions that cansurprise people at times and
maybe lead them to assume thatthey're not grieving just
because they're not going there.
(20:21):
But we never know what's goingon within and so they're going
to really be looking to you.
They may be kind of feeling youout first as their parent to
watch how you're reacting tothis situation.
And I think the question we hearthe most here is but what if I
(20:41):
cry in front of my kids?
Is that okay?
Does that make it worse?
Am I asking them to hold myemotions when I do that?
And I just want to encourageour listeners out there about
how authentic that actually isto just be what you're feeling
(21:02):
and show your kids that kidsknow more than we realize about
what's going on in theenvironment.
And if we counter their naturalintuition that something's not
right by downplaying somethingand saying and I'm okay, I'm
okay, but you're not, we'reactually teaching them to
(21:25):
counter their own intuitionbecause they know something's
not right.
And so instead, if you modelthose emotions that you're
naturally experiencing,especially what Aaron mentioned
earlier those emotions thatyou're naturally experiencing,
especially what Aaron mentionedearlier, those emotions, that
brewing, the peaking andreceding.
We say here that no feeling isfinal and thank goodness for
(21:48):
that truth.
And so when you show your kidthat, you prove that statement
right that sadness won't lastforever, that heaviness won't
last forever.
It's that moment by moment thatyou've talked about Brad.
Speaker 4 (22:01):
So, colleen, I have a question for you, because I
hear this in group often orcomment like this I don't want
to cry in front of my kidsbecause I don't want to make
them sad or I don't want to putit on them.
So over the years I've justsaid this phrase, I've made up
the transference of sad, like we, as adults, don't want to
transfer our sad onto our kidsbecause we're missing the person
(22:24):
who died in our life.
And so you're just saying nomodel that Show that emotion
with your kiddos.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
Yeah, and if you're already aware of that, you're
probably not going to take ittoo far where you're having them
hold too much, because that's areality too.
We don't want to go too farwhere, instead just being
authentic and really expressinghow you're feeling, dosing
yourself, dipping in and out ofthat rhythm and showing your
(23:07):
kiddo that, yes, it can beintense, but then also I come
out of that.
Speaker 4 (23:15):
I'm so glad you used the word express because I
wanted to ask Aaron.
We talk a lot about thedifference between grief and
mourning and one of those isexpression, and would you share
a little bit about that and thedifference we talk here at
Jessica's house about there'sgrief and then there's mourning.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Absolutely, brad, and and and just to say too, like
what you're, what we're talkingabout with kids is we're really
just being honest about thereality, right as it is sad, and
so we're just kind of reactingnaturally, kind of organically,
to what's happened and lettingthat just be what it is, and
(23:55):
with grief.
You know, those are all thefeelings that we have.
Colleen mentioned some of those.
It could be confusion and angerand being jealous that other
people have their dad and youdon't, and all kinds of emotions
that you might have.
And that's kind of what we'retalking about In some ways.
I think about some of that isthe energy of love that you have
(24:15):
for that person that hasnowhere to go.
Right, it's like you have thesefeelings of adoration where
maybe you nurtured your childand you fed them and you gave
them meals and you tucked themin at night, and all that energy
, all that love, has nowhere togo when they're gone.
All that energy, all that lovehas nowhere to go when they're
(24:36):
gone.
Same thing with that spouse orpartner, you know, when you're
just naturally living together,doing life together and so just
having that energy inside of you, just you know when that's
converted because it has nowhereto go, then you know it comes
back to us as those feelings ofdespair and so that's kind of
(24:57):
what's inside of you, that's thegrief, right.
And then how we heal is reallyand dr wolfault really taught us
this mourning is how we healand that's all of the expression
.
So when we think aboutexpressing of course that could
be through, but it also could bethrough screaming Think it
about just tears.
(25:17):
If we think about tears, ittakes what's inside of us and it
places it outside for everyoneto see.
Right, you can't hide what'sinside when your tears are on
your face, right?
So that's that natural way oflike a morning.
It's converting all thosefeelings that are inside, it's
placing them outside and that ishow we heal.
(25:41):
And also doing that with othersis just another such an
important healing aspect.
To have a witness of yoursorrow and your mourning, to
have somebody with you, to holdthat with you, to be with you in
it is such an important part ofhow we grieve and there are
those times where we want to bealone oh, yeah, and that's okay
(26:05):
too yeah, or we just just needto get it out.
Speaker 4 (26:08):
I've heard numerous adults say over the years man,
that felt so good to have a goodcry or an ugly cry, and I've
heard ugly.
I've heard ugly cry used to.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Yeah, and just being able to do that.
Sometimes it feels good to dothat alone.
I mean, we've heard storiesabout being in the closet with
pillows, with in the shower, inthe car just a container, just
with in you know to like justreally get it all out as much as
you need to.
Speaker 4 (26:37):
And Aaron, you talked about the sadness and I'm
reminded of CS Lewis, who saidif you love deeply, you're going
to hurt deeply, but it's worthit, it's just a natural piece.
Yeah, I heard that sadness andthat hurt.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
Absolutely.
And you know something I'llnever forget a mom standing in
the playroom at Jessica's housesaying to me my son is worth
every tear.
I cry.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
And so that's.
It's just a natural reaction towhat all that we've lost when
we lose that physical presenceof that person in our life, and
we never imagined it.
Speaker 4 (27:14):
No, and I would just say let the natural happen.
The tears With your kiddos,yeah, and those quiet moments
with others.
Let the tears happen.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Let the tears happen, and if they don't happen,
that's okay too, and if theydon't, if your kids are, you
know, they may even feel alittle bit of shame about not
being able to cry.
And so just normalizing thattoo.
We kind of grieve as we live inour natural personalities, and
so even just kind of givinghonor to how we naturally
(27:46):
express emotions.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
I'm so glad we're talking about some of those
natural things that happen intears is by far one of those
that happen, but another one Ihear constantly at groups with
adults is my kids so fearful now, you know, because something
bad has happened in our family,someone's died, that's something
else bad is going to happen,and an example would be adults
(28:12):
will say to me often I was fiveminutes late and I had 20 to 25
text messages in that fiveminutes for my kiddo and they
were so nervous because I wasrunning late.
Well, it's natural, because daddied in a car accident and so
they're nervous that that'shappened to me too.
And, colleen, you've heard someof those similar things.
Speaker 3 (28:30):
Yeah, their bubble of safety has been burst and now
they know the reality thatpeople die, and that fear of it
happening again is, of course,going to live deep within them,
and so they're going to livewith that now, and so being away
(28:51):
from their parent or parentscan be really hard, or if their
person died after a sickness,getting sick can be scary.
One of the things that we havelearned is just the power of
letting them know the plans whenthey're going to be away from
(29:11):
you, who they're going to bewith.
One idea could even be that youdraw a heart on their hand and
they draw a heart on yours, justas a visual reminder that you
are with them throughout the day, right there on their hand.
When they look at that, they canbe reminded that you'll be
reunited at the end of the day.
Another way to stabilize thesekiddos and their fears is just
(29:35):
through routine and somestructure, which you know, let's
face it it's going to look alot different in the midst of a
death than it used to, and sothere's no reward for
maintaining the exact life youused to have.
But where can you implementsome of that structure that you
once had in the home, even ifthat's with that final bedtime
(29:58):
story or being tucked in atnight?
And really the greatest giftyou actually can give them is
just your physical proximity andyour presence.
And so, even if it's just yousitting next to them on the
couch as they watch more screentime because that is what
(30:19):
happened it's just those, youknow, deaths don't happen all
the time, like diseases that youdie from when you're young.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
Those are rare, right .
And also that just to reassurethem that you're doing
everything that you can do astheir caregiver to keep yourself
safe and also to stay healthy.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
Another thought is the element of control.
All control has been strippedaway in that turmoil of grief
and losing somebody so key inyour home, and so can you give
them a bit of control somewhere,and that can just be picking
out their outfit for the day, orwhat kind of sandwich they want
(31:15):
in their lunch, or if they takea shower before homework or
after, and so just think aboutany of those ways that you could
give them a little sense ofcontrol or mastery throughout
their day.
Speaker 4 (31:26):
Yeah, as I say you've talked about, they get to
choose what's for dinner, and Ialso know there's people going I
don't even know what's fordinner tonight, right, that are
in the middle of this.
Speaker 3 (31:36):
And really just keep the bar low, and so it doesn't
have to be a grand meal plan,but give them that choice
between mac and cheese and aquesadilla or a grilled cheese.
Keep the bar low for yourself,because you're not expected to
function at the way and level atwhich you used to.
Speaker 4 (31:55):
I'm glad you said that calling, because so many of
the people listening are, likewe said earlier, just trying to
put their shoes on in themorning.
And so we've got kiddos thatare dependent on us and we need
to be able to take care ofourselves so that we can take
care of those kiddos that thatare in our home.
And one of the ways that weexpress that to families here at
Jessica's house is a careacronym C-A-R-E.
(32:16):
And that first step is care foryour body With healthy food,
water and movement.
It can be stretching, walks,the simple the A is accept
support in ways you find mosthelpful and take people up on
their offers.
And it might be the littlethings, it might be some of the
big things, except that offer.
(32:37):
The R is rest often and keepnormal routines as much as
possible and I know some of youare like as much as possible and
, as Colleen said, keep the barlow.
And then, finally, E is expressyour emotions with others as
they arise.
As Aaron said, just thatnatural peace when you need to
cry, cry when you need to sleep,sleep when you need to eat, eat
(32:59):
.
When you need to be alone, bealone, but express your emotions
with others as they arise.
Thank you, Aaron and Colleen,for being with us today and
thank each of you for listeningthat are out there today.
Be sure to visitjessicasashouseorg for more
resources and if you havequestions or topics for us you'd
like us to cover in futurepodcasts, you're always welcome
(33:21):
to email us at info atjessicashouseorg.
Be sure to join us next timefor another episode of when
Grief Comes Home, where we'll bediscussing practices for taking
care of yourself whilesupporting the needs of your
children.
Until then, we wish you well.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
If you need grief-relatedsupport, please visit
jessicashouseorg to download ourfree resources and be sure to
(34:02):
follow Jessica's House on socialmedia, and if you have any
questions or topics you'd likefor us to explore in future
episodes, just send us an emailto jessicashouseorg.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time, for
when Grief Comes Home.
Hello and welcome to when Grief Comes Home, a podcast
dedicated to parents livingthrough loss while supporting
their child.
Let's meet the team.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Jessica's House.
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague,program director for Jessica's
House and a licensed marriageand family therapist.
Speaker 4 (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of when Grief
Comes Home.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Now through this podcast, they'll share grief
resources and coping skills,heartfelt stories and insights
to support parents as they raisechildren who are grieving
Together.
You'll find strength as welearn to live with loss and find
ways to heal.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
Hello, hello, thanks for being here today.
Today, on when Grief Comes Home, we're going to be talking
about the early days followingthe death of a loved one.
We know that so many of you arejust trying to survive in those
first few days or even weeksafter the death, and some of the
common questions we get here atJessica's house is will I ever
be okay?
Aaron, you experienced thatafter Tyler's death.
(01:07):
Would you share a little bitabout that with our listeners?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yeah, brad, I thank you.
I think when I think about justthose early days after a death
I think you know there are somany changes you feel so
disoriented and I feel like evenwaking up in the morning,
you're like, oh my goodness,that really happened.
And I think that question thatyou asked like will we be okay
(01:33):
that is a question that you askyourself throughout the day is
like what are we going to do?
Will we be okay?
Everything's changed and youjust really can't believe that
this actually happened.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
Right, yeah, it's that I have all kinds of new
things to do today, but where doI even begin?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Right, yeah, where do we?
I even begin?
When you wake up and it's likeyou remember that happened, and
even if you got a few hours ofsleep in the night, off and on,
it's just a lot of times youhave images and just your brain
is working overtime to even makesense of this new reality and
(02:20):
so there's just so much going onin your body and in your brain
and, yeah, just a lot ofquestions, a lot of confusion
sometimes.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
I've heard families tell me numbness, shock, fog,
lethargy, just even emptiness.
That not even knowing what thenext step is in that first day
that you wake up or the hoursafter it might have been in the
morning when the death happenedthat afternoon.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Yeah, yeah, it's just like this.
I think a lot of those wordsthat you said, and especially
just thinking about thatemptiness, it's just that
there's just that void of thatperson's presence.
You feel it inside of you.
It's like this sense of home ismissing and you know that
(03:12):
you're just searching for it tobe the way it was and you're
just grasping for that.
There's just this longing forthe person, a searching for them
so much of the time and, yeah,just processing what physically
happened to them.
Speaker 4 (03:28):
Yeah, and every time the door opens you think that's
them coming back in, cause theydid it hundreds and hundreds of
times before.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Yes, you look for them and also many times,
especially for the audience, youknow, and the listeners today,
that we're talking to thinkingabout the loss of a child or you
know the loss of a spouse or apartner.
Like that spouse or partnerthat would be the person you
process with more than likely.
(03:56):
You know of big things thathappened to you.
I remember thinking about that,like the person I wanted to
talk to the most was gone, WasTyler, and I wanted to say
things like oh, I have to tellyou something.
Like the person I wanted totalk to the most was gone Was
Tyler?
And I wanted to say things likeoh, I have to tell you something
.
Like the worst thing happened,you died.
Like you want to tell them whathappened.
It's just such a strangefeeling.
It's like your brain does abackflip, or something.
Speaker 4 (04:19):
And I use some of those big words of the numbness
or the fog or that lethargy orjust some of those words Can you
talk a little bit about?
That's the body's natural wayof taking care of itself, and
just some of those rhythms thatwe get into in those early days.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Well, you know, grief work is slow work and grief
energy has a natural downwardmovement and so so much of the
time when we talk about thelethargy of grief, we're talking
about our muscles and just ourlimbs feeling heavy.
And you know, we hear so muchof the time I just felt like
something was just weighing medown.
(04:57):
It's just that feeling of justbeing a different kind of tired,
you know, just that veryexhausted feeling and, um, yeah,
it's just.
It's just kind of likesomeone's just physically
pulling you down.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
I'm glad you kind of defined it, because I just threw
it out there Lethargy you knowwe talk about it, but someone
might be listening and thinkingthat's what I'm feeling and
that's normal.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
It's normal.
I I remember after Tyler diedhe died on June 20th and I went
back to Monterey for 4th of Julyto be with family and just the
drive, like I mentioned earlier,that two hour drive, feeling
like I couldn't stay awake tomake the drive just constantly
like air in my face just tryingto move around.
(05:46):
And because when I finally satdown I was just so much more
tired than I realized and it washard to, I thought like I
probably need to pull over for asecond and take a nap.
So yeah, it's just sointeresting how you can feel
that in your body.
Speaker 4 (06:02):
Can you talk about just trusting your body for
those that are listening, thatthat they're okay and it's doing
that work of the peaking andthe receding and those things?
Can you just share a little bitabout that that you've learned
over the years?
Speaker 2 (06:16):
I think you know what we've learned I think on a
personal level and thenprofessionally is what we've
learned is that bodies never lie.
You know when your body isteaching you something like what
I was feeling.
Ideally I should have taken anap right, so you were tired.
Speaker 4 (06:31):
You should have pulled over, right.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Exactly.
It wasn't quite possible atthat time, but but truly like
being able to just wait for thatfeeling of being tired and just
sleeping when you can andreally just feeling just letting
your body guide you A lot oftimes.
What we're talking about iskind of how like it's like the
weather.
You know the weather shifts andit changes, and so trusting,
(06:56):
like even today, I mean, here inthe Central Valley of
California, we woke up to notmuch wind, the sky is blue,
right, and but you know what itcould change by after lunch.
In fact, brian told me thismorning hey, it's going to get
really windy today.
Speaker 4 (07:12):
Here come the allergies right.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Right.
And so just thinking about justhow weather changes and how the
emotions of our grief changeover time and trusting that,
even when you're feeling areally intense emotion that you
can trust as it moves throughyou, right and I think that's
what we kind of talk about evenin the book is noticing what's
(07:35):
in your body, that energy ofgrief, and how it moves.
And if you think of it like theweather and if you imagine like
you have a weather vane, kindof that weather points you to
what you need.
And so what is it like wetalked about?
Do you need a nap?
Do you need a snack?
Do you need a person to justgive you a hug?
Do you need to just, you know,be with someone, even it's just
(07:59):
side by side?
Do you need to take a walkoutside?
Like, what is it that you needto get you to that next moment?
Speaker 4 (08:05):
Right, because we got to go moment by moment.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
That's all we can do.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
Day by day.
Right now, for some, listeningis too much to even think about.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
It's way too much.
Tomorrow's way too far awayright.
Because the weather changesright Moment by moment, and to
just be with whatever is comingup in you and to find a resource
to help you through.
Speaker 4 (08:26):
And I've learned over the years, those first early
days sitting with families, thatand it's kind of like I've been
to Florida a few times wherethe weather's one thing in the
morning, but the afternoon it'sguaranteed to be stormy- and a
chance of rain.
And the humidity rolls in thatthose first few weeks.
That the hour the person died,it's like I go right back to
(08:48):
that.
Right and that low moves inright to where I'm at and no
matter what's going on that daythat I'm right back in that.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
You're right back in that, and it could be certain
times of days of the day that isharder for we've heard some
people say like just sunset.
Like just when it starts, thelight starts changing and dinner
feels so different.
You know, I know, after Tylerdied, we didn't sit at the table
for a year.
We just I didn't have dinnerlike that proper dinner, and I
(09:19):
wouldn't actually recommend that, you know, cause it's so good
to have cute meal times, to seem, but I think just that it was
just so hard to like.
You know, he was on a trip whenhe died, so we were like let's
eat cereal for dinner.
You know, daddy's gone, and sowe never really got out of that
routine.
We can do what we want, yeah,and so.
But I think, you know, justknowing that, yeah, just
(09:45):
everything's changed.
So how do you find your rhythmsagain?
Speaker 4 (09:48):
And before we talk a little bit of your story and
your town and community, I justwant people to know that you
won't always feel what you'refeeling in this moment.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Yeah, there's a lot of hope in that.
Speaker 4 (10:04):
Hanging on to that, that relief that you find as you
express yourself, and you knowjust that relief you find as you
find what you need with aresource really helps you and it
can change everything, and sojust trusting that, and some of
the resources you've talkedabout over the years and we've
(10:25):
we've shared is you were in asmaller community here in
Turlock and Turlock at that timehad 50,000 people in it, but
you kind of had a community ofpeople that were around you and
as you came home you've talkedabout that people were already
at your house when you got home.
But even in those early daysthat that people surrounded you
(10:46):
guys and there's some that thatthat's reality and some that
that don't have that community.
So what, what would you say tosome of those things of of
finding that community and someof those niches?
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Yeah, I think just everyone you know, all of our
listeners will have a differentexperience with community.
Right, and for us, we had someneighbors and friends that
really came alongside us.
But, you know, sometimessomeone might be new to a town
or just not have that naturalsupport, and so finding that in
some way sometimes it's anonline community there, I know,
(11:20):
like NACG, which is anorganization, the National
Alliance for Children's Grief.
They have a resource on theirwebsite which can help someone
find a grief center near themand, you know, just being able
to reach out.
And I just also always want topoint people to our website,
which is jessicashouseorg, justbecause we do have a lot of just
(11:42):
opportunities to find resourcesthere as well.
But, yeah, finding thatcommunity, you know, even if
it's just one person that can bea companion, and we need people
so often who will just be withus.
You know no advice.
We need people so often whowill just be with us.
You know, no advice and any kindof like cheering up or buck up
(12:03):
messages that like, oh, you knowyou'll get through this and you
know time heals all wounds,some of those messages that
don't really honor the gravityof such a significant loss.
And so just finding someone whocan be with you and I think
identifying those people youknow are not helpful can really
(12:27):
help.
And so, whether that means likeeven going in to just having a
sacred space in your home whereyou know that person because it
could even be a family memberwell-intentioned, but just
doesn't understand how it feelswhen you know a spouse or
partner or child dies and sojust being able to really
(12:50):
identify, like who are thosepeople that aren't helpful and
who are helpful.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
I've heard it said in the grief world that there's a
third of the people that arearound us that are helpful, a
third that are just kind of like, and then there's a third that
are not helpful.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Yeah, and you never know who that will be.
And so so interesting, right,because sometimes those people
we really thought would show upfor us, they just don't have the
capacity.
Yeah.
They just that's those aren't,that's not who can be there for
us right now.
And I remember, after Carterdied, our dog groomer like
(13:31):
showed up and it was a mobilegroomer and she was in our
driveway and I just went out andjust fell into her arms and
just cried my cried with her andshe just helped me.
You know she was the dog groomerwas like and she was such a
compassionate presence.
I never thought she would bethat person I would look forward
to seeing Right and so, like I,you just never know who that
person that can just enter inand be a companion for you.
Speaker 4 (13:52):
And I just want people to know that are out
there listening that it's okayto limit visitors and it's okay
to have someone that's takingcare of who's in your home and
who's not, Because sometimeswe're more exhausted and we're
down after having someone thatstopped by that's visited.
That's one of those that ismore work than benefit to being
(14:17):
with.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Yeah, I mean just our energy is, you know, is really
just tapped, and so we don'thave the capacity, and so those
people that are closest to youand just asking those people to
help you to, to just keep you ina place that you can be
protected in that yeah, andallow them to do some of those
(14:40):
tasks around the house anderrands and let someone drive
you when you need to gosomewhere and take their offer.
Speaker 4 (14:48):
Yeah, what do you need?
I need you to drive me toso-and-so.
I need you to go with me to thenext appointment I have.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Yeah, Even just to take notes.
And you know, something that wealways say is not a bad idea is
just go to your family doctor,you know, just have a little
checkup, have somebody go withyou and, um, and they can take
notes, you know.
And also just somebody, if youare kind of going to the funeral
home or doing some preparationsor needing to go to the bank or
(15:17):
whatever it is that you'redoing, Exactly Having somebody
with you just to come alongsideand help you just in those
practical errands that you haveto do.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
And noting who dropped off what.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (15:29):
Because sometimes we feel bad.
Oh, I didn't get everythingback to people, and that's okay
too.
Absolutely, they know, theyknow they know, Aaron, we talked
a little bit about those thingsfor for us, but what are some
of those things we can do inthose early days for our kiddos?
And some that are listeninghave kids that are dependent
upon them.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
Yeah, yeah, those early days for your kids.
I think whatever we can do tojust be there with them, they
may have some questions in thoseearly days about what happened.
They may just go back and forthby, you know, asking questions
and then taking a break.
Something that we talk a lotabout with kids is that, and
(16:11):
also adults, is that you knowthey dose themselves and it's
just kind of like for ourlisteners.
You know, if you were to go tothe doctor and get medicine for
something, you know they dosethemselves and it's just kind of
like for our listeners.
You know if you were to go tothe doctor and get medicine for
something, you know they wouldnever say like take all of this
medicine all at one time, right.
So we dose ourselves like thatin grief, like our bodies and
our brains, like they know.
They know how to just kind oflike a bit by bit, just like you
(16:34):
know just little by little, todose ourselves in just bits and
pieces, and so children can dothat really well.
There are best teachers in thathow they'll come in and check
with you as their parent andthen go back and play.
They may want to if you'rehaving family gatherings just
play with their cousins.
They like to still have fun,and then they'll come back and
(16:55):
check in, and so just yourphysical availability is so
important during that time, tojust be there and answer
questions and, um, you know,just your physical presence is
so much of what they need.
Speaker 4 (17:10):
I'm glad you brought up questions of answering
questions, because there'speople that are listening,
thinking I'm so nervous toanswer some of the questions of
maybe how our loved one died.
I would just caution you and weusually as adults worry more
about it than the kiddos andyou've seen that over the years
of working at Jessica's housethat we adults have 30, 40
(17:33):
questions that we're nervous thekiddo is going to ask.
But in reality the kids don'task much.
It's the dosing you just talkedabout.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Yeah, little by little, right Just bits and
pieces and you know, finding outwhat do they know, what
questions do they have, andanswering them as honestly as
possible.
Speaker 4 (17:52):
Erin, let me ask you this, this question.
We talked just about being inproximity and being present, but
what about checking in with thekiddo Like do you have any
advice around that?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Yeah, I think just checking in with your child
throughout the day, just lettingthem know what's next, and so
during those early days it canbe a little chaotic and so there
could be visitors.
So letting them know this iswho's coming over If you have to
go out, like maybe to thefuneral home or run some other
type of errand, letting themknow who will stay with them,
(18:23):
what you're having for dinneryou know all of those pieces of
letting them know what's nextand even at nighttime letting
them know what the next daylooks like, and just keeping
routines the best they can, buttake the kind of the guesswork
out of it.
They may be wondering what'snext or being ahead of it.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
Aaron, I'm so glad you talked about the transitions
throughout the day and checkingin with them, because there's
so much emotion that's come upwith kiddos and Colleen.
After the break I would love totalk about some of those
children's reactions because ofwhat's happened with the death.
So we're going to come back andtalk about just those things
with Colleen.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
Jessica's House provides freepeer support for children, teens
, young adults and theirfamilies grieving a loss.
If you need grief-relatedsupport, please visit
jessicashouseorg to download ourfree resources and be sure to
(19:21):
follow Jessica's House on socialmedia.
And if you have any questionsor topics you'd like us to
explore in a future episode,just send us an email at info at
jessicashouseorg.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
Welcome back everyone , and in this next segment we
want to take a few minutes andtalk about children's grief
reactions and, colleen, as alicensed marriage and family
therapist, here on staff we leanon you sometimes for some of
this stuff and so I wanted toask you we hear a lot about the
reactions.
What are some of the thingsthat you would help share with
(19:55):
some of our listeners aboutthey're seeing in their kiddos?
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Yeah.
So of course you've got theassumed reaction, that sadness,
that shock.
I think what we've also seen isthe withdrawn or the
indifferent reactions that cansurprise people at times and
maybe lead them to assume thatthey're not grieving just
because they're not going there.
(20:21):
But we never know what's goingon within and so they're going
to really be looking to you.
They may be kind of feeling youout first as their parent to
watch how you're reacting tothis situation.
And I think the question we hearthe most here is but what if I
(20:41):
cry in front of my kids?
Is that okay?
Does that make it worse?
Am I asking them to hold myemotions when I do that?
And I just want to encourageour listeners out there about
how authentic that actually isto just be what you're feeling
(21:02):
and show your kids that kidsknow more than we realize about
what's going on in theenvironment.
And if we counter their naturalintuition that something's not
right by downplaying somethingand saying and I'm okay, I'm
okay, but you're not, we'reactually teaching them to
(21:25):
counter their own intuitionbecause they know something's
not right.
And so instead, if you modelthose emotions that you're
naturally experiencing,especially what Aaron mentioned
earlier those emotions thatyou're naturally experiencing,
especially what Aaron mentionedearlier, those emotions, that
brewing, the peaking andreceding.
We say here that no feeling isfinal and thank goodness for
(21:48):
that truth.
And so when you show your kidthat, you prove that statement
right that sadness won't lastforever, that heaviness won't
last forever.
It's that moment by moment thatyou've talked about Brad.
Speaker 4 (22:01):
So, colleen, I have a question for you, because I
hear this in group often orcomment like this I don't want
to cry in front of my kidsbecause I don't want to make
them sad or I don't want to putit on them.
So over the years I've justsaid this phrase, I've made up
the transference of sad, like we, as adults, don't want to
transfer our sad onto our kidsbecause we're missing the person
(22:24):
who died in our life.
And so you're just saying nomodel that Show that emotion
with your kiddos.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
Yeah, and if you're already aware of that, you're
probably not going to take ittoo far where you're having them
hold too much, because that's areality too.
We don't want to go too farwhere, instead just being
authentic and really expressinghow you're feeling, dosing
yourself, dipping in and out ofthat rhythm and showing your
(23:07):
kiddo that, yes, it can beintense, but then also I come
out of that.
Speaker 4 (23:15):
I'm so glad you used the word express because I
wanted to ask Aaron.
We talk a lot about thedifference between grief and
mourning and one of those isexpression, and would you share
a little bit about that and thedifference we talk here at
Jessica's house about there'sgrief and then there's mourning.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Absolutely, brad, and and and just to say too, like
what you're, what we're talkingabout with kids is we're really
just being honest about thereality, right as it is sad, and
so we're just kind of reactingnaturally, kind of organically,
to what's happened and lettingthat just be what it is, and
(23:55):
with grief.
You know, those are all thefeelings that we have.
Colleen mentioned some of those.
It could be confusion and angerand being jealous that other
people have their dad and youdon't, and all kinds of emotions
that you might have.
And that's kind of what we'retalking about In some ways.
I think about some of that isthe energy of love that you have
(24:15):
for that person that hasnowhere to go.
Right, it's like you have thesefeelings of adoration where
maybe you nurtured your childand you fed them and you gave
them meals and you tucked themin at night, and all that energy
, all that love, has nowhere togo when they're gone.
All that energy, all that lovehas nowhere to go when they're
(24:36):
gone.
Same thing with that spouse orpartner, you know, when you're
just naturally living together,doing life together and so just
having that energy inside of you, just you know when that's
converted because it has nowhereto go, then you know it comes
back to us as those feelings ofdespair and so that's kind of
(24:57):
what's inside of you, that's thegrief, right.
And then how we heal is reallyand dr wolfault really taught us
this mourning is how we healand that's all of the expression
.
So when we think aboutexpressing of course that could
be through, but it also could bethrough screaming Think it
about just tears.
(25:17):
If we think about tears, ittakes what's inside of us and it
places it outside for everyoneto see.
Right, you can't hide what'sinside when your tears are on
your face, right?
So that's that natural way oflike a morning.
It's converting all thosefeelings that are inside, it's
placing them outside and that ishow we heal.
(25:41):
And also doing that with othersis just another such an
important healing aspect.
To have a witness of yoursorrow and your mourning, to
have somebody with you, to holdthat with you, to be with you in
it is such an important part ofhow we grieve and there are
those times where we want to bealone oh, yeah, and that's okay
(26:05):
too yeah, or we just just needto get it out.
Speaker 4 (26:08):
I've heard numerous adults say over the years man,
that felt so good to have a goodcry or an ugly cry, and I've
heard ugly.
I've heard ugly cry used to.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Yeah, and just being able to do that.
Sometimes it feels good to dothat alone.
I mean, we've heard storiesabout being in the closet with
pillows, with in the shower, inthe car just a container, just
with in you know to like justreally get it all out as much as
you need to.
Speaker 4 (26:37):
And Aaron, you talked about the sadness and I'm
reminded of CS Lewis, who saidif you love deeply, you're going
to hurt deeply, but it's worthit, it's just a natural piece.
Yeah, I heard that sadness andthat hurt.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
Absolutely.
And you know something I'llnever forget a mom standing in
the playroom at Jessica's housesaying to me my son is worth
every tear.
I cry.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
And so that's.
It's just a natural reaction towhat all that we've lost when
we lose that physical presenceof that person in our life, and
we never imagined it.
Speaker 4 (27:14):
No, and I would just say let the natural happen.
The tears With your kiddos,yeah, and those quiet moments
with others.
Let the tears happen.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Let the tears happen, and if they don't happen,
that's okay too, and if theydon't, if your kids are, you
know, they may even feel alittle bit of shame about not
being able to cry.
And so just normalizing thattoo.
We kind of grieve as we live inour natural personalities, and
so even just kind of givinghonor to how we naturally
(27:46):
express emotions.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
I'm so glad we're talking about some of those
natural things that happen intears is by far one of those
that happen, but another one Ihear constantly at groups with
adults is my kids so fearful now, you know, because something
bad has happened in our family,someone's died, that's something
else bad is going to happen,and an example would be adults
(28:12):
will say to me often I was fiveminutes late and I had 20 to 25
text messages in that fiveminutes for my kiddo and they
were so nervous because I wasrunning late.
Well, it's natural, because daddied in a car accident and so
they're nervous that that'shappened to me too.
And, colleen, you've heard someof those similar things.
Speaker 3 (28:30):
Yeah, their bubble of safety has been burst and now
they know the reality thatpeople die, and that fear of it
happening again is, of course,going to live deep within them,
and so they're going to livewith that now, and so being away
(28:51):
from their parent or parentscan be really hard, or if their
person died after a sickness,getting sick can be scary.
One of the things that we havelearned is just the power of
letting them know the plans whenthey're going to be away from
(29:11):
you, who they're going to bewith.
One idea could even be that youdraw a heart on their hand and
they draw a heart on yours, justas a visual reminder that you
are with them throughout the day, right there on their hand.
When they look at that, they canbe reminded that you'll be
reunited at the end of the day.
Another way to stabilize thesekiddos and their fears is just
(29:35):
through routine and somestructure, which you know, let's
face it it's going to look alot different in the midst of a
death than it used to, and sothere's no reward for
maintaining the exact life youused to have.
But where can you implementsome of that structure that you
once had in the home, even ifthat's with that final bedtime
(29:58):
story or being tucked in atnight?
And really the greatest giftyou actually can give them is
just your physical proximity andyour presence.
And so, even if it's just yousitting next to them on the
couch as they watch more screentime because that is what
(30:19):
happened it's just those, youknow, deaths don't happen all
the time, like diseases that youdie from when you're young.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
Those are rare, right .
And also that just to reassurethem that you're doing
everything that you can do astheir caregiver to keep yourself
safe and also to stay healthy.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
Another thought is the element of control.
All control has been strippedaway in that turmoil of grief
and losing somebody so key inyour home, and so can you give
them a bit of control somewhere,and that can just be picking
out their outfit for the day, orwhat kind of sandwich they want
(31:15):
in their lunch, or if they takea shower before homework or
after, and so just think aboutany of those ways that you could
give them a little sense ofcontrol or mastery throughout
their day.
Speaker 4 (31:26):
Yeah, as I say you've talked about, they get to
choose what's for dinner, and Ialso know there's people going I
don't even know what's fordinner tonight, right, that are
in the middle of this.
Speaker 3 (31:36):
And really just keep the bar low, and so it doesn't
have to be a grand meal plan,but give them that choice
between mac and cheese and aquesadilla or a grilled cheese.
Keep the bar low for yourself,because you're not expected to
function at the way and level atwhich you used to.
Speaker 4 (31:55):
I'm glad you said that calling, because so many of
the people listening are, likewe said earlier, just trying to
put their shoes on in themorning.
And so we've got kiddos thatare dependent on us and we need
to be able to take care ofourselves so that we can take
care of those kiddos that thatare in our home.
And one of the ways that weexpress that to families here at
Jessica's house is a careacronym C-A-R-E.
(32:16):
And that first step is care foryour body With healthy food,
water and movement.
It can be stretching, walks,the simple the A is accept
support in ways you find mosthelpful and take people up on
their offers.
And it might be the littlethings, it might be some of the
big things, except that offer.
(32:37):
The R is rest often and keepnormal routines as much as
possible and I know some of youare like as much as possible and
, as Colleen said, keep the barlow.
And then, finally, E is expressyour emotions with others as
they arise.
As Aaron said, just thatnatural peace when you need to
cry, cry when you need to sleep,sleep when you need to eat, eat
(32:59):
.
When you need to be alone, bealone, but express your emotions
with others as they arise.
Thank you, Aaron and Colleen,for being with us today and
thank each of you for listeningthat are out there today.
Be sure to visitjessicasashouseorg for more
resources and if you havequestions or topics for us you'd
like us to cover in futurepodcasts, you're always welcome
(33:21):
to email us at info atjessicashouseorg.
Be sure to join us next timefor another episode of when
Grief Comes Home, where we'll bediscussing practices for taking
care of yourself whilesupporting the needs of your
children.
Until then, we wish you well.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center
located in California's CentralValley since 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
If you need grief-relatedsupport, please visit
jessicashouseorg to download ourfree resources and be sure to
(34:02):
follow Jessica's House on socialmedia, and if you have any
questions or topics you'd likefor us to explore in future
episodes, just send us an emailto jessicashouseorg.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time, for
when Grief Comes Home.
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