June 17, 2025 • 34 mins
Welcome to the When Grief Comes Home podcast. We're glad you're here. This podcast supports parents who are grieving a spouse, partner, or child while helping their children who are living through the loss of a parent or sibling. With personal grief stories and professional guidance, we offer parents practical tips for supporting their child who is grieving while caring for their own grief.
In this episode, Erin reflects on a moment of panic while driving through fog after her son’s death—an emotional “grief storm” that arrived without warning. We explore how grief can feel unpredictable and intense, and how tools like deep breathing and grounding can help bring us back to center.
Using Dr. Dan Siegel’s “window of tolerance” framework, we look at how grief can leave us feeling overwhelmed or numb—and how to gently return to a place of balance. For parents, we share a creative activity where children illustrate their own “grief weather,” helping them name their feelings and discover what helps them cope.
Grief storms do pass. And with the right support, we can move through them with greater strength and compassion.
Have you had a grief storm? Share your story or leave a review to help others find this conversation.
Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L
For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Gary Shriver (00:00):
Hello and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a
podcast dedicated to parentsliving through loss while
supporting their child.
Let's meet the team.
Erin Nelson (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at
Collen Montague (00:15):
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, program director for
Jessica's House and a licensedmarriage and family therapist.
Brad Quillen (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When
Grief Comes Home.
Gary Shriver (00:25):
This podcast goes along with a book of the same
name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
who are grieving a partner orchild, while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers.
Now let's go to the team asthey share grief resources and
(00:48):
coping skills, heartfelt storiesand insights to support parents
as they raise children who aregrieving.
Together you'll find strengthas we learn to live with loss
and find ways to heal.
Brad Quillen (01:01):
Well, hello, hello , it's Brad from Jessica's House
.
Today we're talking about therhythms of grief and how they
will follow a similar cadence toother parts of our natural
world.
Like the weather, just like aheat wave or cold front, our
feelings of grief have a brewing, peaking and receding.
We will talk about how tosupport ourselves during those
times, trusting a storm neverlasts forever.
(01:24):
The weather of your grief, I'mso glad we're talking about this
because I don't like to saythese words every, never or
always, but I think it's safe tosay this about "he weather of
your grief that people that aregrieving will experience this
very idea we want to talk abouttoday the weather of your grief.
Erin, can you take a coupleminutes to help us understand
(01:44):
what we mean around Jessica'sHouse when we talk about this
idea, the weather of your grief,to just kind of give a basic
understanding of what that means.
Erin Nelson (01:52):
Yeah, Brad, when we think about "he weather of your
grief, we're talking about itjust, you know some people will
say it comes in waves, or likeyou can feel just this front
coming in and it's bringingsomething.
And it's just all of theseemotions that are inside of us
and how they actually affect ourbody, and we never know when it
(02:14):
will happen.
And it's all of a sudden you'refeeling like this storm is
coming and you're sensing thisexperience of having very
intense emotions, sometimes thatyou weren't expecting, and
sometimes, just as we'regrieving, we never know what you
know as we walk into anexperience .
(02:34):
ome people will say it's thefirst time they went to the
grocery store, or you know it's,you know, checking the box
widow or widower, for the veryfirst time.
What will it be?
Where the storm all of a suddenis coming in and we're
experiencing all of theseemotions in our body.
So we wrote about that in ourbook and it's just this chapter
(02:57):
about.
This is all the experiences andjust the what we have inside of
us and there are ways that wecan really weather the storm and
we can find our what we callresources to help us to those
next moments, as the storm canfeel really intense and we're
going to just talk today aboutthe weather gear and how we can
(03:19):
find ways to really find shelterand find ways to get through
the storm of our grief reallyfind shelter and find ways to
get through the storm of ourgrief.
Brad Quillen (03:30):
So let me ask you a follow-up question about that,
because there's kind of thecooler aspects of a .
year in Dr.
, but then there's also for thehot part of summer, and we kind
of talk about that a little bitin this idea of weather of grief
, and what would kind of thosetwo spectrums, those two ends,
the opposites be when we talkabout the weather of grief?
Erin Nelson (03:44):
Yeah, when we're talking about like being too
cold or too hot, we're bringingin this idea that and Siegel, dr
Dan Siegel, really created thisidea of the window of tolerance
.
So it's either you're too coldor you're too hot and you're
trying to find that just rightplace.
And you can think of it as evenlike Goldilocks and the Three
(04:05):
Bears, that nursery, likefairytale, where you know they
were trying to find their justright place Right, and you know
Goldilocks went through, youknow, the porch that was too hot
and then it was too cold, butthen she found that what was
just right.
And this idea is that when weare experiencing a storm that is
(04:27):
very intense, we may feel panic, we may feel rage and anxiety,
or if we're feeling that kind ofcold front, it's really like
being like maybe just feelingnumb and just disconnected.
We may feel empty and shut down.
And so we're looking to feelthose feelings and acknowledge
(04:48):
those feelings and then find outhow can we come back to the
center.
And a lot of that has to dowith the opportunities to
express what we're going through.
Brad Quillen (04:57):
And a little later in the podcast we're going to
talk about acclimating and thenyou said weather gear House what
are some of those things we canhelp us to get back to that
acclimation piece.
But before we do that, normallywe start off the podcast with
you kind of giving a little bitof background to your story and
a piece of you, and so I knowafter Carter died there's a kind
of a family vacation thatillustrates this very well for
(05:20):
those that are listening today,about this idea of the storm or
just some of those feelings kindof coming out of nowhere
sometimes.
Erin Nelson (05:41):
We were going to Disneyland on a family trip and
we were going in January and wehad to get up really early in
the morning.
We were going to Disneyland on afamily trip, and thank God we
were House in January and we hadto get up really early in the
morning, and so our kind of gotime was 5 am and we got in the
car, we piled in and I was goingto take the very first kind of
leg of the trip and so I wasdriving and we were driving down
the freeway and there was justa wall of fog that came in and
(06:05):
there was a lot of constructiongoing on during that time on our
highway, so we had these onelane roads where oncoming
traffic was coming and we hadthese cement barriers next to us
and I, just because we couldn'tsee there were like big trucks
in front of me and then behind,and I just felt this very strong
sense of panic and I just felt,you know, like I realized like
(06:28):
just that survival kind ofinside of me, like there's no
escaping this, like if thattruck was going faster, whatever
it might be.
You know, it was like a sense ofpanic God for Jessica's house,
because I was able to just takea really deep breath and just
kind of squeeze my hands.
I decided we always talk abouthow brains can reconnect in some
(06:49):
ways when we're just processingsomething and where it's not
really processing through ourprefrontal cortex scene where we
bring reason and logic.
Was I in danger?
(07:34):
Colleen, t here's it feel like Iwas yes in that moment and so,
and that panic came in and I wasable to just kind of squeeze
right and left and just breatheand you know, I got through it
and I got through that littlearea and the fog eventually
lifted.
And so those"he are the typesof experiences that we can have
when we're not expecting it.
I wasn't expecting to feel thatway, it just hit me very hard
and just that that, of panic.
And so finding our resourcesand finding .
to get through those storms isso important.
Brad Quillen (07:34):
Colleen.
There's a number of people thatare listening House that are
probably going oh, that makes somuch sense.
I can remember too.
I can remember this.
I can remember to this pointwhen these happen.
You've heard numerous storiesover the years that kind of will
help shed a little light ontothe weather of grief.
actually, one some otherexamples like that you've heard
that have maybe surprised you orthought oh, I didn't think
about that, but that's so truethat that's a part in those
(07:57):
seasons in the grief world?
.
Collen Montague (07:59):
We recently did an activity Colleen with kids
at Jessica's house where weinvited them to create and show
us what their grief storm wasfor them.
And naturally we saw a lot ofstorms, rainstorms, lightning
storms, tornadoes, those type ofweather that kids related to
(08:20):
their grief.
And then I was surprised.
A couple of them actually.
One told us it's like asandstorm and just being pelted
with sand and vision being alittle tricky, too hard to
navigate through those.
And then one child's was a heatwave.
Erin He just hates the heat andthat's what grief has felt like
Just that overwhelming, thatblaring down from the sun for
(08:44):
him has felt like just thatoverwhelming, that blaring down
from the sun for him.
Brad Quillen (08:50):
That makes me think, colleen, that we live in
California where there's notthis as much as there is in the
Midwest, but some of thoseafternoon thunderstorms that can
just pop up right when we knowa front's coming .
in, or heat waves coming in herein California more.
But I think it's safe to saythat people are listening or
probably going.
Well, yeah, sometimes they justcome out of the blue and it's
one thing kind of just makes mepop right back to that, as you
said, aaron, as you weretowards LA and the fog.
But then we can also feel themslowly starting to come on,
(09:13):
especially with folks that it'sa few weeks or a month, you know
, before the anniversary ofsomething and they can start to
feel that.
.
So, it's interesting howfamilies will teach us how it
was like, oh, just the weatherand what it feels like just the
time of year, and they won'teven sometimes they just can't
(09:34):
even put their finger on it Likewhat is it that I'm just
feeling extra sad or extraanxious.
And , as we're kind of thinkingabout that, we know that there
are times, and just to say like,for me it was that panic
feeling, but sometimes peoplewill say like I, just that time
of year came around and.
felt like I just can't get outof bed and, you know, I'm just
(09:58):
feeling like all I can do isjust kind of sit and just scroll
through my phone and people areasking me, hey, come on, let's
go do this and let's, you know,go watch a movie or do something
.
And I'm just like I can't.
I feel like I can't even reallyjust even get out of the house.
And so sometimes, when peopleare experiencing more of that
(10:20):
shutdown and sometimes you cansee that with, maybe, teens and
you're noticing, and we see thiseven at Jessica's house, where
you know the hoodies over thehead and they're coming in and
they're not really making eyecontact Sometimes, when you're
feeling more kind of in thatcold space of the weather we're
talking about, like what does itlook like to lift something
(10:42):
heavy and just kind of activateyour body a little bit more, to
sometimes even drinkingsomething that's really cold and
immersing your hands or, likepeople have said, hey, I just
open up the freezer door and putmy face in it and I feel more
alive, and sometimes just eatingsomething crunchy like ice or
(11:03):
something tangy, and that canreally help to kind of come into
that just right space that wetalked about earlier.
So we never know how it willhit us and whether we're feeling
kind of the heat and the stormsor it feels like we're much
more like in that place ofshutdown.
And what does it mean for us tofeel that and acknowledge it
(11:25):
but then come back to that kindof just right place.
Collen Montague (11:28):
You know what you're explaining, Erin is what
we talk about as weather gear.
You know you're talking aboutcoping skills or you know,
resourcing yourself, and so wehave attributed that to weather
gear.
You know, think about whenyou're out, and if it's going to
start raining, you're not goingto make it out there very long
before you're soaking wet.
Right, You're going to run backinto the house, but if you have
(11:49):
a rain jacket on, you can andan umbrella with you and rain
boots on, well, you can hang outthere through the storm really
before you would want to retreatback into the house.
And so that idea of resourcingyourself, Getting in those
coping skills to help you rideout that storm, that's what we
(12:11):
want to teach ourselves and ourkids when we experience those.
So, thinking about whateverfeels good for you, those
resources, those coping skillsthat help you ride out that
storm, whether it is a coldfront or it's a rainstorm, or if
it's a heat wave, you know whatcan you do to bring yourself
(12:32):
back into your just right place.
Erin Nelson (12:34):
Yeah, Colleen, I'm thinking about you and I,
because through this book we'vetraveled so much together and
just through my own experiencesof trauma sometimes it's hard
for me to get on an airplane,drive in.
on, you know, on a stormy nightand so we've even, like, done
something, what we callco-regulation, which is another
(12:55):
way we can get into our justright place and that's having
somebody with you to help youregulate your own emotions.
(14:21):
Exactly, and I think about how,you know, there have been times
we've been on an airplane andthe turbulence happens and
you'll just kind of put yourshoulder next to mine and it's
just, it's amazing what canhappen when brains can connect
together and begin to find asynchronicity and that we can
really help to calm each otherthrough co-regulation.
And just knowing you're notalone is so powerful through
co-regulation, and just knowingyou're not alone is so powerful.
And we've even heard fromfamilies and we talk about this
where, if they're feeling reallyshut down or feeling extra
anxious, going even into apublic space like a library, a
park, a coffee shop, where otherpeople are kind of buzzing, you
know they're just like theyhave these.
They may be working, butthey're in a calm space and you
know, it's amazing what canhappen with mirror neurons and
mirroring other people in aspace and what our brain is able
to do, and it can really helpboost our mood or maybe bring us
down a little bit to that justright place.
Collen Montague (14:08):
And that's the key point that you said is that
they're in a calm state, and sowhen you can be with somebody
who is in their just right place, that's what's really going to
help you co-regulate.
Erin Nelson (14:21):
Exactly and as we find that as parents it's, we
can provide that as a containerfor our children.
So as we find calm and we'refinding tools to come to that
just right place, we can helpour child also be in that just
right place.
And again, we're not sayingthat you're not going to have
the storms and that you're notgoing to feel all of that and
(14:42):
find ways to express.
But when you are expressing,even the actual action of
expressing can really helpnd Erin, and just you know, as
(15:05):
those storms come in, many timesit you know, tears accompany
those storms and that's just ourbody's natural way of bringing
us back to that place.
And when we're talking aboutour just right place, we're and,
we're feeling grounded, we'refeeling engaged, and so that is
(15:27):
where it's like we are living inthat kind of our best self in
some ways.
But you know, of course that'safter we're feeling all the
feelings of grief.
.
(16:07):
.
Collen Montague (17:14):
And the good Colleen news too is that, you
know, I'm thinking Brad, youmentioned us living in
California and man, it gets hothere in the summer and I'm never
ready for it.
But, you mentioned the weathergear, so to speak, for when
you're in a cold front andfeeling shut down.
So the flip side could be whenyou're in a heat wave and
feeling really like kind ofactivated big energy in your
body, really like kind ofactivated big energy in your
body.
And so some ideas to help getyou back into your just right
place is deep breathing.
We like to do four, seven,eight breathing here, where you
breathe in for four, hold forseven, exhale for eight, swaying
side to side humming I knowthat's one of your personal
favorites, erin Wrapping yourarms.
Erin Nelson (17:14):
And the good news too is that, you know, I'm
thinking Brad, you mentioned usliving in California and man, it
gets hot here in the summer andI'm never ready for it.
But know, colleen, I'm thinkingabout one of our favorites.
We did it yesterday in ouroffice and we just have even
just in our daily life, right aswe just have daily stress.
We 100s this little piece.
What 100 it actually called?
Do we have a name for it?
Break the Chains, yeah, and sowhere?
If you imagine yourself justkind of 100 crossing your arms
and then forcefully taking yourarms to your side with a really
big out breath and so doing that, we did that like four times
and then we were able to kind ofgo is, into that next meeting
or whatever it might be.
But sometimes, just even whenyou're grieving or just in
everyday life, .
(17:55):
That's ways you can come backto that middle space and begin
to feel more present and calmand the good news too is that,
you know, I'm thinking, brad,you mentioned us living in
California and, man, it gets hothere in the summer and I'm
never ready for it.
Collen Montague (17:14):
But when the temperatures start to go up
Colleen, let's just say, may-ish, you and an 80 degree day
feels hot to us, and then soonit's in the 90s and then soon
it's over hundreds.
If .
we How had a hundred degree dayin May, we would be so hot we
would feel like it'sexcruciating, because you can't
just jump from 70 degrees to ahundred right, we need to
(17:36):
acclimate, and so that's whyit's helpful when we can
acclimate our bodies into thisnew weather season, for example.
Well, the same is true for thisweather of grief is that as we
learn to ride out these stormsacclimating to this new way of
(17:57):
life or acclimating to ourenvironment.
And what happens, which is socool, is that then our little
window of tolerance, our abilityto ride that out, it gets
bigger.
And so once you go throughsomething hard, it's tough, but
then you can say, yeah, but Idid it, so I can do it again.
Erin Nelson (18:22):
And that can affect our window of tolerance is just
your everyday capacity how muchsleep did you get last night?
And just to know that, justnaturally, your window of
tolerance will be smaller ifyou're tired, are you hungry?
Have you had the nutrition thatyou need?
Are you hydrated?
And so, as you're kind ofnoticing something in your body,
(18:46):
going through that checklist ofyou know what and giving
yourself kind of like just thatself-compassion to say you know
what, and giving yourself kindof like just that self
compassion to say you know what,I didn't sleep very well last
night, so my grief is feelingreally heavy today.
I'm feeling those storms a lotmore intensely than I usually
feel, or just you know if youare just needing some lunch or a
snack.
Brad Quillen (19:07):
So, being aware of other knowing, not only your
grief, but your physical needsand emotional needs that might
be and they need to be met- andI hear you talking about the
acclimation and I'm almostpositive somebody's listening to
this podcast and going I wish Ididn't have to acclimate, and
that is true, and that is true.
(19:28):
But, as Colleen, as you said,there's something to the reality
of look what I've been able tohandle and what I've been able
to go through, and I can.
Collen Montague (19:37):
And that's resiliency building right, Brad
we can go into the storm andthat we can ride it out.
Erin Nelson (19:42):
And it is so true, brad, what you're saying about I
wish I didn't have to acclimate.
I think families are telling uslike my friends are spending
their every day in thesedecisions, like you know what
kind of like.
You know flowers should I planttoday, or something like that.
And you're like just trying tojust swim upstream and you are
(20:05):
when you're grieving and you'vehad a profound loss.
It's so hard to consistentlyhave to have this awareness of
acclimation and just to knowthat, no matter what and what
you're facing, whatever stormyou're facing, storms never last
forever, right, and so even themost horrendous flood or storm
(20:27):
or tornado or anything that isreally devastating, it ends and
there's a rebuilding process,and so our grief really reflects
those patterns in nature andknowing that that is all just a
cadence of our world and youwill get a break and those
(20:47):
emotional, that intense feelingthat you have, it will dissipate
.
Brad Quillen (20:52):
Yeah, the sun comes tomorrow.
Erin Nelson (20:53):
Yeah.
on.
Hey, we're going to take abreak here for just a moment.
When we come back, we want tojust take a few moments to talk
about how do we When walk withour kids through this idea of
the weather of grief.
jessicashouse.
(22:01):
jessicashouse.
Gary Shriver (21:10):
How do we walk with our break, and this idea of
the weather of grief?
Jessica's house is a children'sbereavement center located in
California's Central Valleysince 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The when Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book when Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(21:34):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the Colleen,Erin their parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouseorg todownload our free resources and
be sure to follow Jessica'sHouse on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(21:56):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info at
jessicashouseorg.
Brad Quillen (22:04):
Well, welcome back from the break.
we continue to talk about thisidea of weather of grief, we
want to take a few moments tojust kind of walk through that
as it pertains to kids and teensand young adults.
And I know, as we were talkinga to, you ago, that some know,
have oh bigger emotions thanothers and some feel it more and
some have longer moods or canhave shorter moods or outburst
(22:28):
and all the things.
But, colleen Aaron, what wouldyou say to those parents that
are listening that would helpthem just with the weather of
grief for their kids?
Collen Montague (22:37):
I think it's important to know that.
You know these might be kind ofnewer or more intense emotions
than they've had before, and soyou just may need to spend some
time really helping them tounderstand what's going on in
their body, you know, and how torelate it to.
You know those, you know.
Oh, it sounds like what you'refeeling is anxiety.
That's what it kind of soundslike, based on what you're
(22:58):
describing it as.
Brad Quillen (22:59):
Yeah them name it or define what it is.
Erin
Collen Montague (23:02):
Yeah, yeah, and then as you do that, you can
engage in those you know copingskills or the weather gear we
talked about earlier, all thosethings that Aaron and I
mentioned.
You can do with your child too.
And one of my favorites is, youknow, when you're feeling
really like in that big, youknow heat wave, very activated,
is taking some ice outside andjust throwing it against the
(23:25):
ground or throwing it againstthe fence.
It's, it's fun, but it's alsolike such a good release of
energy and to hear it like crackagainst the ground or the fence
and that's something to do withyour energy that you're having.
Erin Nelson (23:38):
Yeah, and you know we've talked about this before.
But the idea of reflection andas your kids are expressing kind
of what they're going through,and that could be just they're
really mad.
You know that, you know they'regoing to practice and their dad
was always there and he's nolonger there, but to just say
(23:58):
like you're really mad, you knowthat your dad died and you wish
he was here right now and youwish he was here playing catch
with you and whatever it is thatyour kids are explain, you know
, just expressing to you, youcan reflect and really affirm
them and just that expressionjust brings safety and an
(24:21):
ability to come back into thatjust right place when you are
feeling just all of thoseemotions and we talked .
little bit about the, you knowbeing a container and we talked
about co-regulation and mirrorneurons earlier but sometimes,
like, all your child needs isjust your presence.
(24:43):
You know, just to sit next toyou.
You don't even have to sayanything, but just your calm
presence, like watching a movie,reading a book, just being with
your child can really help themstay in their ideal climate.
Brad Quillen (25:00):
So we're talking about emotions.
Kids can have big emotionalswings or outburst emotions, but
we as adults can be feeling alot of emotion and it's so hard
for us to engage with kids or tobe present because we're in our
own stuff right now.
So can you speak to a few ofthe folks that are listening and
have felt that or will be there, you know, in some time in the
(25:23):
future?
But to be able to groundyourself enough to be able to
sit and be in the presence ofyour kid, even though they're
having a large outburst?
.
Erin Nelson (25:31):
Yeah, you know, if you're feeling, if you're
already feeling activated andyou're feeling also really angry
and your child is doing that,you can just say you know, I'm
feeling really upset right nowand you're upset too and I need
to calm myself down.
So I'm just going to take asecond just to walk around a
(25:53):
little bit.
You don't have to go too far,but just to say I'm just going
to take.
some breaths and even if youdon't have buy-in for them to
breathe as well, it's like ifyou again can calm yourself and
maybe you can even take somebreaths together.
Do you want to take a breath?
And even if you have somechoices?
.
(27:11):
Along with reminding them that astorm never lasts forever, you
know, and encouraging them thatthey do.
You know some of our favoriteswith kids are square breathing.
You know, which is just likebreathing in for four, out for
four, in for four, out for four,know, we know smelling the
flower and then blowing thecandle, and so there are so many
different ones.
So you can just say do you wantto do box breathing right now k
.
would you what, or a ball, theycan't worry at the same time.
So just like, let's go playcatch for a minute and just it's
amazing what can happen whenyou get into a new environment.
You play catch outside or evenlittle balloon volleyball inside
if the activated.
(27:43):
not great, but anything thatyou can do to just be with your
child and actively engage themAll along reminding them that a
storm never lasts forever, youknow, and encouraging them that
they do.
control how our body will reactto things, or you know the
emotions we feel, but we cancontrol what we do when we feel
them.
We can, you know.
We know what kind of weathergear we need in that moment, and
helping your child to learnwhat works best for them, and
that it's so different child tochild too.
You know.
We know what kind of weathergear we need in that moment, and
helping your child to learnwhat works best for them, and
that it's so different child tochild too, you know what.
Or just person to person.
Actually, just what works forone person might be a little
different for somebody else, andthat's what they're going to be
learning about themselves.
Is what works for me when I'mfeeling really shut down or when
I'm feeling really?
activated.
Yeah, they can even make a list.
You can brainstorm together andput a list on the refrigerator
of how you can get back to yourjust right place, and so just
giving choices, and then theycan go point to like what they
wanna do next"hen And thatreally is finding your resources
.
And what we know from workingwith children who do have loss
(28:06):
and trauma is that you knowchoices really can help.
And finding your resource isreally how you can feel that you
have a little more control andthat knowing that you have
resources can really help youmove through this, these
feelings of grief, moment bymoment.
Brad Quillen (28:30):
So we keep dougy.
org about being able to helpkids find a resource.
One of the ways you can findresources, you can go on nacg.
org Jessica's House website tohelp kids be able to are find
grieving some of those differentthings that will help them.
Obviously, the book when GriefComes Home.
But where would be some otherplaces parents could find some
resources for those copingskills?
We mentioned a number of themhere on the podcast, but we know
a lot of kids need a lot ofdifferent things and we can't
list a huge exhaustive listright in the podcast.
(28:51):
It'd go on and on.
But is there a go-to place thatyou two can think of that would
help kiddos with that, orparents be able to share those
with their kids?
Collen Montague (28:59):
We always recommend dougieorg.
It's another grief center likeours and they have a very deep
library of resources on theirwebsite, jessicashouse.
org well as nacgorg, which isour National Alliance for
Children who Are Grieving.
They have a very big library aswell of all different kinds of
resources.
Brad Quillen (29:19):
Colleen, those are two great places to find
resources and, again, you canalways find more resources at
our website too,jessicashouseorg, which made me
think that there is also thatbook list on the website for a
number of books that help kidswalk through grief, and so make
sure you check that out as well.
Colleen, earlier you mentionedan activity that we did here
(29:40):
recently at Jessica's House.
Would you share that with ourlisteners?
Collen Montague (29:43):
Storms of grief , you know.
Sit down with your child.
You just need a piece of paperand some art materials and talk
with them about, you know, thatstorm of grief, that energy in
their body.
And if they could draw it onpaper, what would their storm
look like, you know?
And if they're not, if that'skind of gear, have you can just
say what type of weather do younot enjoy?
(30:04):
Ask your child if your griefwere a storm, what would it be?
And so they can draw a pictureof themselves and then the storm
going on around them.
I'm imagining one that I saw achild draw and it was with rain
and thunder and lightning.
And so then we asked them okay,now, what kind of coping skills
, what kind of weather gear doyou need to get through that
(30:26):
storm?
And this child drew a littlerain jacket, he had galoshes on
the help them.
And that's where he wrote ridemy bike, talk with my dad and
eat my favorite snack, I thinkhe put.
(30:47):
Erin so just inviting them toreally reflect on what that
storm of grief looks like andwhat they need to get through it
in the moment.
You can also treat this likeWhen little brainstorming
session with Erin your kid too.
They may not realize all thethings that actually help them,
and so giving them ideas likerealize all the things that
actually help them.
(31:07):
And so giving them ideas likeyou know, how do you feel after
going for a walk?
Do you need to take a littlebreak?
Do you want to go and playcatch?
Do you want to talk withsomebody you feel safe with or
that you can trust?
Do you want to go out and shoothoops?
And so reminding them of whathas helped them in the past, so
that they can create that listto be a little bit more
extensive.
Brad Quillen (31:33):
Erin and Colleen, thank you, for a topic we all in
grief experience at some point.
This wraps up our episode today, and it also wraps up the When
first season of When Grief ComesHome.
Erin, I know there's somethingyou wanted to share with our
listeners today, as we wrap upthis podcast, why don't you go
ahead and take a moment.
Erin Nelson (31:53):
We're wrapping up the very first season ever of
When Grief Comes Home, and, justas our listeners have given us
really great feedback, I justwant to say if you could just
take a moment to rate ourpodcast and also write a review.
It helps get it into the handsof those who need it most, and
so every time you review apodcast, it goes up a little bit
into ratings, and so ifsomebody just types in grief in
(32:17):
a podcast search, they can findthis podcast and, as we know
that it's been so helpful forparents who are grieving, we
want to get it into more hands.
So please rate and review.
Brad Quillen (32:29):
Thanks, Erin, and let me remind you be sure to
visit jessicashouse.
org for more grief resources andif you have any other topics or
questions you'd like us tocover on this podcast, we
welcome your email at info@jessicashouse.
org.
Be sure to join us for the nextepisode of When Grief Comes
Home.
Until then, we wish you well.
Gary Shriver (32:51):
Well, it's hard to believe, but we've come to the
end of season one.
Now we'll be taking a break forthe summer and returning in
September with all new episodes.
Jessica's House is a children'sbereavement center located in
California's Central Valleysince 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
(33:11):
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
(33:32):
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time for When
(33:55):
Grief Comes Home.
Hello and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a
podcast dedicated to parentsliving through loss while
supporting their child.
Let's meet the team.
Erin Nelson (00:11):
I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at
Collen Montague (00:15):
Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, program director for
Jessica's House and a licensedmarriage and family therapist.
Brad Quillen (00:21):
Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When
Grief Comes Home.
Gary Shriver (00:25):
This podcast goes along with a book of the same
name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
who are grieving a partner orchild, while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers.
Now let's go to the team asthey share grief resources and
(00:48):
coping skills, heartfelt storiesand insights to support parents
as they raise children who aregrieving.
Together you'll find strengthas we learn to live with loss
and find ways to heal.
Brad Quillen (01:01):
Well, hello, hello , it's Brad from Jessica's House
.
Today we're talking about therhythms of grief and how they
will follow a similar cadence toother parts of our natural
world.
Like the weather, just like aheat wave or cold front, our
feelings of grief have a brewing, peaking and receding.
We will talk about how tosupport ourselves during those
times, trusting a storm neverlasts forever.
(01:24):
The weather of your grief, I'mso glad we're talking about this
because I don't like to saythese words every, never or
always, but I think it's safe tosay this about "he weather of
your grief that people that aregrieving will experience this
very idea we want to talk abouttoday the weather of your grief.
Erin, can you take a coupleminutes to help us understand
(01:44):
what we mean around Jessica'sHouse when we talk about this
idea, the weather of your grief,to just kind of give a basic
understanding of what that means.
Erin Nelson (01:52):
Yeah, Brad, when we think about "he weather of your
grief, we're talking about itjust, you know some people will
say it comes in waves, or likeyou can feel just this front
coming in and it's bringingsomething.
And it's just all of theseemotions that are inside of us
and how they actually affect ourbody, and we never know when it
(02:14):
will happen.
And it's all of a sudden you'refeeling like this storm is
coming and you're sensing thisexperience of having very
intense emotions, sometimes thatyou weren't expecting, and
sometimes, just as we'regrieving, we never know what you
know as we walk into anexperience .
(02:34):
ome people will say it's thefirst time they went to the
grocery store, or you know it's,you know, checking the box
widow or widower, for the veryfirst time.
What will it be?
Where the storm all of a suddenis coming in and we're
experiencing all of theseemotions in our body.
So we wrote about that in ourbook and it's just this chapter
(02:57):
about.
This is all the experiences andjust the what we have inside of
us and there are ways that wecan really weather the storm and
we can find our what we callresources to help us to those
next moments, as the storm canfeel really intense and we're
going to just talk today aboutthe weather gear and how we can
(03:19):
find ways to really find shelterand find ways to get through
the storm of our grief reallyfind shelter and find ways to
get through the storm of ourgrief.
Brad Quillen (03:30):
So let me ask you a follow-up question about that,
because there's kind of thecooler aspects of a .
year in Dr.
, but then there's also for thehot part of summer, and we kind
of talk about that a little bitin this idea of weather of grief
, and what would kind of thosetwo spectrums, those two ends,
the opposites be when we talkabout the weather of grief?
Erin Nelson (03:44):
Yeah, when we're talking about like being too
cold or too hot, we're bringingin this idea that and Siegel, dr
Dan Siegel, really created thisidea of the window of tolerance
.
So it's either you're too coldor you're too hot and you're
trying to find that just rightplace.
And you can think of it as evenlike Goldilocks and the Three
(04:05):
Bears, that nursery, likefairytale, where you know they
were trying to find their justright place Right, and you know
Goldilocks went through, youknow, the porch that was too hot
and then it was too cold, butthen she found that what was
just right.
And this idea is that when weare experiencing a storm that is
(04:27):
very intense, we may feel panic, we may feel rage and anxiety,
or if we're feeling that kind ofcold front, it's really like
being like maybe just feelingnumb and just disconnected.
We may feel empty and shut down.
And so we're looking to feelthose feelings and acknowledge
(04:48):
those feelings and then find outhow can we come back to the
center.
And a lot of that has to dowith the opportunities to
express what we're going through.
Brad Quillen (04:57):
And a little later in the podcast we're going to
talk about acclimating and thenyou said weather gear House what
are some of those things we canhelp us to get back to that
acclimation piece.
But before we do that, normallywe start off the podcast with
you kind of giving a little bitof background to your story and
a piece of you, and so I knowafter Carter died there's a kind
of a family vacation thatillustrates this very well for
(05:20):
those that are listening today,about this idea of the storm or
just some of those feelings kindof coming out of nowhere
sometimes.
Erin Nelson (05:41):
We were going to Disneyland on a family trip and
we were going in January and wehad to get up really early in
the morning.
We were going to Disneyland on afamily trip, and thank God we
were House in January and we hadto get up really early in the
morning, and so our kind of gotime was 5 am and we got in the
car, we piled in and I was goingto take the very first kind of
leg of the trip and so I wasdriving and we were driving down
the freeway and there was justa wall of fog that came in and
(06:05):
there was a lot of constructiongoing on during that time on our
highway, so we had these onelane roads where oncoming
traffic was coming and we hadthese cement barriers next to us
and I, just because we couldn'tsee there were like big trucks
in front of me and then behind,and I just felt this very strong
sense of panic and I just felt,you know, like I realized like
(06:28):
just that survival kind ofinside of me, like there's no
escaping this, like if thattruck was going faster, whatever
it might be.
You know, it was like a sense ofpanic God for Jessica's house,
because I was able to just takea really deep breath and just
kind of squeeze my hands.
I decided we always talk abouthow brains can reconnect in some
(06:49):
ways when we're just processingsomething and where it's not
really processing through ourprefrontal cortex scene where we
bring reason and logic.
Was I in danger?
(07:34):
Colleen, t here's it feel like Iwas yes in that moment and so,
and that panic came in and I wasable to just kind of squeeze
right and left and just breatheand you know, I got through it
and I got through that littlearea and the fog eventually
lifted.
And so those"he are the typesof experiences that we can have
when we're not expecting it.
I wasn't expecting to feel thatway, it just hit me very hard
and just that that, of panic.
And so finding our resourcesand finding .
to get through those storms isso important.
Brad Quillen (07:34):
Colleen.
There's a number of people thatare listening House that are
probably going oh, that makes somuch sense.
I can remember too.
I can remember this.
I can remember to this pointwhen these happen.
You've heard numerous storiesover the years that kind of will
help shed a little light ontothe weather of grief.
actually, one some otherexamples like that you've heard
that have maybe surprised you orthought oh, I didn't think
about that, but that's so truethat that's a part in those
(07:57):
seasons in the grief world?
.
Collen Montague (07:59):
We recently did an activity Colleen with kids
at Jessica's house where weinvited them to create and show
us what their grief storm wasfor them.
And naturally we saw a lot ofstorms, rainstorms, lightning
storms, tornadoes, those type ofweather that kids related to
(08:20):
their grief.
And then I was surprised.
A couple of them actually.
One told us it's like asandstorm and just being pelted
with sand and vision being alittle tricky, too hard to
navigate through those.
And then one child's was a heatwave.
Erin He just hates the heat andthat's what grief has felt like
Just that overwhelming, thatblaring down from the sun for
(08:44):
him has felt like just thatoverwhelming, that blaring down
from the sun for him.
Brad Quillen (08:50):
That makes me think, colleen, that we live in
California where there's notthis as much as there is in the
Midwest, but some of thoseafternoon thunderstorms that can
just pop up right when we knowa front's coming .
in, or heat waves coming in herein California more.
But I think it's safe to saythat people are listening or
probably going.
Well, yeah, sometimes they justcome out of the blue and it's
one thing kind of just makes mepop right back to that, as you
said, aaron, as you weretowards LA and the fog.
But then we can also feel themslowly starting to come on,
(09:13):
especially with folks that it'sa few weeks or a month, you know
, before the anniversary ofsomething and they can start to
feel that.
.
So, it's interesting howfamilies will teach us how it
was like, oh, just the weatherand what it feels like just the
time of year, and they won'teven sometimes they just can't
(09:34):
even put their finger on it Likewhat is it that I'm just
feeling extra sad or extraanxious.
And , as we're kind of thinkingabout that, we know that there
are times, and just to say like,for me it was that panic
feeling, but sometimes peoplewill say like I, just that time
of year came around and.
felt like I just can't get outof bed and, you know, I'm just
(09:58):
feeling like all I can do isjust kind of sit and just scroll
through my phone and people areasking me, hey, come on, let's
go do this and let's, you know,go watch a movie or do something
.
And I'm just like I can't.
I feel like I can't even reallyjust even get out of the house.
And so sometimes, when peopleare experiencing more of that
(10:20):
shutdown and sometimes you cansee that with, maybe, teens and
you're noticing, and we see thiseven at Jessica's house, where
you know the hoodies over thehead and they're coming in and
they're not really making eyecontact Sometimes, when you're
feeling more kind of in thatcold space of the weather we're
talking about, like what does itlook like to lift something
(10:42):
heavy and just kind of activateyour body a little bit more, to
sometimes even drinkingsomething that's really cold and
immersing your hands or, likepeople have said, hey, I just
open up the freezer door and putmy face in it and I feel more
alive, and sometimes just eatingsomething crunchy like ice or
(11:03):
something tangy, and that canreally help to kind of come into
that just right space that wetalked about earlier.
So we never know how it willhit us and whether we're feeling
kind of the heat and the stormsor it feels like we're much
more like in that place ofshutdown.
And what does it mean for us tofeel that and acknowledge it
(11:25):
but then come back to that kindof just right place.
Collen Montague (11:28):
You know what you're explaining, Erin is what
we talk about as weather gear.
You know you're talking aboutcoping skills or you know,
resourcing yourself, and so wehave attributed that to weather
gear.
You know, think about whenyou're out, and if it's going to
start raining, you're not goingto make it out there very long
before you're soaking wet.
Right, You're going to run backinto the house, but if you have
(11:49):
a rain jacket on, you can andan umbrella with you and rain
boots on, well, you can hang outthere through the storm really
before you would want to retreatback into the house.
And so that idea of resourcingyourself, Getting in those
coping skills to help you rideout that storm, that's what we
(12:11):
want to teach ourselves and ourkids when we experience those.
So, thinking about whateverfeels good for you, those
resources, those coping skillsthat help you ride out that
storm, whether it is a coldfront or it's a rainstorm, or if
it's a heat wave, you know whatcan you do to bring yourself
(12:32):
back into your just right place.
Erin Nelson (12:34):
Yeah, Colleen, I'm thinking about you and I,
because through this book we'vetraveled so much together and
just through my own experiencesof trauma sometimes it's hard
for me to get on an airplane,drive in.
on, you know, on a stormy nightand so we've even, like, done
something, what we callco-regulation, which is another
(12:55):
way we can get into our justright place and that's having
somebody with you to help youregulate your own emotions.
(14:21):
Exactly, and I think about how,you know, there have been times
we've been on an airplane andthe turbulence happens and
you'll just kind of put yourshoulder next to mine and it's
just, it's amazing what canhappen when brains can connect
together and begin to find asynchronicity and that we can
really help to calm each otherthrough co-regulation.
And just knowing you're notalone is so powerful through
co-regulation, and just knowingyou're not alone is so powerful.
And we've even heard fromfamilies and we talk about this
where, if they're feeling reallyshut down or feeling extra
anxious, going even into apublic space like a library, a
park, a coffee shop, where otherpeople are kind of buzzing, you
know they're just like theyhave these.
They may be working, butthey're in a calm space and you
know, it's amazing what canhappen with mirror neurons and
mirroring other people in aspace and what our brain is able
to do, and it can really helpboost our mood or maybe bring us
down a little bit to that justright place.
Collen Montague (14:08):
And that's the key point that you said is that
they're in a calm state, and sowhen you can be with somebody
who is in their just right place, that's what's really going to
help you co-regulate.
Erin Nelson (14:21):
Exactly and as we find that as parents it's, we
can provide that as a containerfor our children.
So as we find calm and we'refinding tools to come to that
just right place, we can helpour child also be in that just
right place.
And again, we're not sayingthat you're not going to have
the storms and that you're notgoing to feel all of that and
(14:42):
find ways to express.
But when you are expressing,even the actual action of
expressing can really helpnd Erin, and just you know, as
(15:05):
those storms come in, many timesit you know, tears accompany
those storms and that's just ourbody's natural way of bringing
us back to that place.
And when we're talking aboutour just right place, we're and,
we're feeling grounded, we'refeeling engaged, and so that is
(15:27):
where it's like we are living inthat kind of our best self in
some ways.
But you know, of course that'safter we're feeling all the
feelings of grief.
.
(16:07):
.
Collen Montague (17:14):
And the good Colleen news too is that, you
know, I'm thinking Brad, youmentioned us living in
California and man, it gets hothere in the summer and I'm never
ready for it.
But, you mentioned the weathergear, so to speak, for when
you're in a cold front andfeeling shut down.
So the flip side could be whenyou're in a heat wave and
feeling really like kind ofactivated big energy in your
body, really like kind ofactivated big energy in your
body.
And so some ideas to help getyou back into your just right
place is deep breathing.
We like to do four, seven,eight breathing here, where you
breathe in for four, hold forseven, exhale for eight, swaying
side to side humming I knowthat's one of your personal
favorites, erin Wrapping yourarms.
Erin Nelson (17:14):
And the good news too is that, you know, I'm
thinking Brad, you mentioned usliving in California and man, it
gets hot here in the summer andI'm never ready for it.
But know, colleen, I'm thinkingabout one of our favorites.
We did it yesterday in ouroffice and we just have even
just in our daily life, right aswe just have daily stress.
We 100s this little piece.
What 100 it actually called?
Do we have a name for it?
Break the Chains, yeah, and sowhere?
If you imagine yourself justkind of 100 crossing your arms
and then forcefully taking yourarms to your side with a really
big out breath and so doing that, we did that like four times
and then we were able to kind ofgo is, into that next meeting
or whatever it might be.
But sometimes, just even whenyou're grieving or just in
everyday life, .
(17:55):
That's ways you can come backto that middle space and begin
to feel more present and calmand the good news too is that,
you know, I'm thinking, brad,you mentioned us living in
California and, man, it gets hothere in the summer and I'm
never ready for it.
Collen Montague (17:14):
But when the temperatures start to go up
Colleen, let's just say, may-ish, you and an 80 degree day
feels hot to us, and then soonit's in the 90s and then soon
it's over hundreds.
If .
we How had a hundred degree dayin May, we would be so hot we
would feel like it'sexcruciating, because you can't
just jump from 70 degrees to ahundred right, we need to
(17:36):
acclimate, and so that's whyit's helpful when we can
acclimate our bodies into thisnew weather season, for example.
Well, the same is true for thisweather of grief is that as we
learn to ride out these stormsacclimating to this new way of
(17:57):
life or acclimating to ourenvironment.
And what happens, which is socool, is that then our little
window of tolerance, our abilityto ride that out, it gets
bigger.
And so once you go throughsomething hard, it's tough, but
then you can say, yeah, but Idid it, so I can do it again.
Erin Nelson (18:22):
And that can affect our window of tolerance is just
your everyday capacity how muchsleep did you get last night?
And just to know that, justnaturally, your window of
tolerance will be smaller ifyou're tired, are you hungry?
Have you had the nutrition thatyou need?
Are you hydrated?
And so, as you're kind ofnoticing something in your body,
(18:46):
going through that checklist ofyou know what and giving
yourself kind of like just thatself-compassion to say you know
what, and giving yourself kindof like just that self
compassion to say you know what,I didn't sleep very well last
night, so my grief is feelingreally heavy today.
I'm feeling those storms a lotmore intensely than I usually
feel, or just you know if youare just needing some lunch or a
snack.
Brad Quillen (19:07):
So, being aware of other knowing, not only your
grief, but your physical needsand emotional needs that might
be and they need to be met- andI hear you talking about the
acclimation and I'm almostpositive somebody's listening to
this podcast and going I wish Ididn't have to acclimate, and
that is true, and that is true.
(19:28):
But, as Colleen, as you said,there's something to the reality
of look what I've been able tohandle and what I've been able
to go through, and I can.
Collen Montague (19:37):
And that's resiliency building right, Brad
we can go into the storm andthat we can ride it out.
Erin Nelson (19:42):
And it is so true, brad, what you're saying about I
wish I didn't have to acclimate.
I think families are telling uslike my friends are spending
their every day in thesedecisions, like you know what
kind of like.
You know flowers should I planttoday, or something like that.
And you're like just trying tojust swim upstream and you are
(20:05):
when you're grieving and you'vehad a profound loss.
It's so hard to consistentlyhave to have this awareness of
acclimation and just to knowthat, no matter what and what
you're facing, whatever stormyou're facing, storms never last
forever, right, and so even themost horrendous flood or storm
(20:27):
or tornado or anything that isreally devastating, it ends and
there's a rebuilding process,and so our grief really reflects
those patterns in nature andknowing that that is all just a
cadence of our world and youwill get a break and those
(20:47):
emotional, that intense feelingthat you have, it will dissipate
.
Brad Quillen (20:52):
Yeah, the sun comes tomorrow.
Erin Nelson (20:53):
Yeah.
on.
Hey, we're going to take abreak here for just a moment.
When we come back, we want tojust take a few moments to talk
about how do we When walk withour kids through this idea of
the weather of grief.
jessicashouse.
(22:01):
jessicashouse.
Gary Shriver (21:10):
How do we walk with our break, and this idea of
the weather of grief?
Jessica's house is a children'sbereavement center located in
California's Central Valleysince 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The when Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book when Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
(21:34):
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the Colleen,Erin their parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouseorg todownload our free resources and
be sure to follow Jessica'sHouse on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
(21:56):
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info at
jessicashouseorg.
Brad Quillen (22:04):
Well, welcome back from the break.
we continue to talk about thisidea of weather of grief, we
want to take a few moments tojust kind of walk through that
as it pertains to kids and teensand young adults.
And I know, as we were talkinga to, you ago, that some know,
have oh bigger emotions thanothers and some feel it more and
some have longer moods or canhave shorter moods or outburst
(22:28):
and all the things.
But, colleen Aaron, what wouldyou say to those parents that
are listening that would helpthem just with the weather of
grief for their kids?
Collen Montague (22:37):
I think it's important to know that.
You know these might be kind ofnewer or more intense emotions
than they've had before, and soyou just may need to spend some
time really helping them tounderstand what's going on in
their body, you know, and how torelate it to.
You know those, you know.
Oh, it sounds like what you'refeeling is anxiety.
That's what it kind of soundslike, based on what you're
(22:58):
describing it as.
Brad Quillen (22:59):
Yeah them name it or define what it is.
Erin
Collen Montague (23:02):
Yeah, yeah, and then as you do that, you can
engage in those you know copingskills or the weather gear we
talked about earlier, all thosethings that Aaron and I
mentioned.
You can do with your child too.
And one of my favorites is, youknow, when you're feeling
really like in that big, youknow heat wave, very activated,
is taking some ice outside andjust throwing it against the
(23:25):
ground or throwing it againstthe fence.
It's, it's fun, but it's alsolike such a good release of
energy and to hear it like crackagainst the ground or the fence
and that's something to do withyour energy that you're having.
Erin Nelson (23:38):
Yeah, and you know we've talked about this before.
But the idea of reflection andas your kids are expressing kind
of what they're going through,and that could be just they're
really mad.
You know that, you know they'regoing to practice and their dad
was always there and he's nolonger there, but to just say
(23:58):
like you're really mad, you knowthat your dad died and you wish
he was here right now and youwish he was here playing catch
with you and whatever it is thatyour kids are explain, you know
, just expressing to you, youcan reflect and really affirm
them and just that expressionjust brings safety and an
(24:21):
ability to come back into thatjust right place when you are
feeling just all of thoseemotions and we talked .
little bit about the, you knowbeing a container and we talked
about co-regulation and mirrorneurons earlier but sometimes,
like, all your child needs isjust your presence.
(24:43):
You know, just to sit next toyou.
You don't even have to sayanything, but just your calm
presence, like watching a movie,reading a book, just being with
your child can really help themstay in their ideal climate.
Brad Quillen (25:00):
So we're talking about emotions.
Kids can have big emotionalswings or outburst emotions, but
we as adults can be feeling alot of emotion and it's so hard
for us to engage with kids or tobe present because we're in our
own stuff right now.
So can you speak to a few ofthe folks that are listening and
have felt that or will be there, you know, in some time in the
(25:23):
future?
But to be able to groundyourself enough to be able to
sit and be in the presence ofyour kid, even though they're
having a large outburst?
.
Erin Nelson (25:31):
Yeah, you know, if you're feeling, if you're
already feeling activated andyou're feeling also really angry
and your child is doing that,you can just say you know, I'm
feeling really upset right nowand you're upset too and I need
to calm myself down.
So I'm just going to take asecond just to walk around a
(25:53):
little bit.
You don't have to go too far,but just to say I'm just going
to take.
some breaths and even if youdon't have buy-in for them to
breathe as well, it's like ifyou again can calm yourself and
maybe you can even take somebreaths together.
Do you want to take a breath?
And even if you have somechoices?
.
(27:11):
Along with reminding them that astorm never lasts forever, you
know, and encouraging them thatthey do.
You know some of our favoriteswith kids are square breathing.
You know, which is just likebreathing in for four, out for
four, in for four, out for four,know, we know smelling the
flower and then blowing thecandle, and so there are so many
different ones.
So you can just say do you wantto do box breathing right now k
.
would you what, or a ball, theycan't worry at the same time.
So just like, let's go playcatch for a minute and just it's
amazing what can happen whenyou get into a new environment.
You play catch outside or evenlittle balloon volleyball inside
if the activated.
(27:43):
not great, but anything thatyou can do to just be with your
child and actively engage themAll along reminding them that a
storm never lasts forever, youknow, and encouraging them that
they do.
control how our body will reactto things, or you know the
emotions we feel, but we cancontrol what we do when we feel
them.
We can, you know.
We know what kind of weathergear we need in that moment, and
helping your child to learnwhat works best for them, and
that it's so different child tochild too.
You know.
We know what kind of weathergear we need in that moment, and
helping your child to learnwhat works best for them, and
that it's so different child tochild too, you know what.
Or just person to person.
Actually, just what works forone person might be a little
different for somebody else, andthat's what they're going to be
learning about themselves.
Is what works for me when I'mfeeling really shut down or when
I'm feeling really?
activated.
Yeah, they can even make a list.
You can brainstorm together andput a list on the refrigerator
of how you can get back to yourjust right place, and so just
giving choices, and then theycan go point to like what they
wanna do next"hen And thatreally is finding your resources
.
And what we know from workingwith children who do have loss
(28:06):
and trauma is that you knowchoices really can help.
And finding your resource isreally how you can feel that you
have a little more control andthat knowing that you have
resources can really help youmove through this, these
feelings of grief, moment bymoment.
Brad Quillen (28:30):
So we keep dougy.
org about being able to helpkids find a resource.
One of the ways you can findresources, you can go on nacg.
org Jessica's House website tohelp kids be able to are find
grieving some of those differentthings that will help them.
Obviously, the book when GriefComes Home.
But where would be some otherplaces parents could find some
resources for those copingskills?
We mentioned a number of themhere on the podcast, but we know
a lot of kids need a lot ofdifferent things and we can't
list a huge exhaustive listright in the podcast.
(28:51):
It'd go on and on.
But is there a go-to place thatyou two can think of that would
help kiddos with that, orparents be able to share those
with their kids?
Collen Montague (28:59):
We always recommend dougieorg.
It's another grief center likeours and they have a very deep
library of resources on theirwebsite, jessicashouse.
org well as nacgorg, which isour National Alliance for
Children who Are Grieving.
They have a very big library aswell of all different kinds of
resources.
Brad Quillen (29:19):
Colleen, those are two great places to find
resources and, again, you canalways find more resources at
our website too,jessicashouseorg, which made me
think that there is also thatbook list on the website for a
number of books that help kidswalk through grief, and so make
sure you check that out as well.
Colleen, earlier you mentionedan activity that we did here
(29:40):
recently at Jessica's House.
Would you share that with ourlisteners?
Collen Montague (29:43):
Storms of grief , you know.
Sit down with your child.
You just need a piece of paperand some art materials and talk
with them about, you know, thatstorm of grief, that energy in
their body.
And if they could draw it onpaper, what would their storm
look like, you know?
And if they're not, if that'skind of gear, have you can just
say what type of weather do younot enjoy?
(30:04):
Ask your child if your griefwere a storm, what would it be?
And so they can draw a pictureof themselves and then the storm
going on around them.
I'm imagining one that I saw achild draw and it was with rain
and thunder and lightning.
And so then we asked them okay,now, what kind of coping skills
, what kind of weather gear doyou need to get through that
(30:26):
storm?
And this child drew a littlerain jacket, he had galoshes on
the help them.
And that's where he wrote ridemy bike, talk with my dad and
eat my favorite snack, I thinkhe put.
(30:47):
Erin so just inviting them toreally reflect on what that
storm of grief looks like andwhat they need to get through it
in the moment.
You can also treat this likeWhen little brainstorming
session with Erin your kid too.
They may not realize all thethings that actually help them,
and so giving them ideas likerealize all the things that
actually help them.
(31:07):
And so giving them ideas likeyou know, how do you feel after
going for a walk?
Do you need to take a littlebreak?
Do you want to go and playcatch?
Do you want to talk withsomebody you feel safe with or
that you can trust?
Do you want to go out and shoothoops?
And so reminding them of whathas helped them in the past, so
that they can create that listto be a little bit more
extensive.
Brad Quillen (31:33):
Erin and Colleen, thank you, for a topic we all in
grief experience at some point.
This wraps up our episode today, and it also wraps up the When
first season of When Grief ComesHome.
Erin, I know there's somethingyou wanted to share with our
listeners today, as we wrap upthis podcast, why don't you go
ahead and take a moment.
Erin Nelson (31:53):
We're wrapping up the very first season ever of
When Grief Comes Home, and, justas our listeners have given us
really great feedback, I justwant to say if you could just
take a moment to rate ourpodcast and also write a review.
It helps get it into the handsof those who need it most, and
so every time you review apodcast, it goes up a little bit
into ratings, and so ifsomebody just types in grief in
(32:17):
a podcast search, they can findthis podcast and, as we know
that it's been so helpful forparents who are grieving, we
want to get it into more hands.
So please rate and review.
Brad Quillen (32:29):
Thanks, Erin, and let me remind you be sure to
visit jessicashouse.
org for more grief resources andif you have any other topics or
questions you'd like us tocover on this podcast, we
welcome your email at info@jessicashouse.
org.
Be sure to join us for the nextepisode of When Grief Comes
Home.
Until then, we wish you well.
Gary Shriver (32:51):
Well, it's hard to believe, but we've come to the
end of season one.
Now we'll be taking a break forthe summer and returning in
September with all new episodes.
Jessica's House is a children'sbereavement center located in
California's Central Valleysince 2012.
We provide free peer supportfor children, teens, young
(33:11):
adults and their familiesgrieving a loss.
The When Grief Comes Homepodcast goes along with the book
of the same name.
The book When Grief Comes Homeis a gentle guide for parents
who are grieving a partner orchild while helping their
children through the loss oftheir parent or sibling.
When Grief Comes Home is nowavailable at all major book
(33:32):
retailers and if you needgrief-related support, please
visit jessicashouse.
org to download our freeresources and be sure to follow
Jessica's House on social media.
If you have any questions ortopics that you'd like us to
explore in a future episode,just send us an email to info@
jessicashouse.
org.
Thank you for joining us andwe'll see you next time for When
(33:55):
Grief Comes Home.
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