June 20, 2023 • 37 mins
What does it take to make a marriage thrive for 20 years? Join us as we discuss the power of fighting for your marriage, even when walking away seems like the easier option.
Tiffany and I delve into the significance of focusing on ourselves and our relationship with God, as well as the impact of modeling Christ in our marriages. We also share insights on the vital role of communication, extending grace and forgiveness, and putting your spouse first in your life.
This episode isn't just about our story – we want to inspire and uplift your own marriage. With a focus on love, spiritual growth, hope, and understanding each other's love languages, we pray our experiences can help strengthen your connection and provide support during the difficult times.
Plus, discover the ministry of re|engage, which has been instrumental in helping couples deepen their bonds and achieve successful marriages.
Follow on Instagram & Facebook: @AndyBHoward
Buy the book on Amazon: www.amazon.com/When-Words-Dont-Come-Easy/dp/1955362084
Listen to the first chapter: soundcloud.com/andy-howard-788712319
Learn more at AndyHoward.com!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's up you guys?
We are back for more.
Yes, this week it is part two,the conclusion to our 20-year
anniversary podcast, And so thisone is much more on kind of the
nuts and bolts of marriage, ifyou will some top takeaways and
(00:21):
pointers and things that we'velearned throughout the years
that we hope will lift up yourmarriage and encourage you as
well.
So I hope you will stick aroundand enjoy the great Tiffany
Howard and myself as we diveback in to the rest of our
20-year anniversary podcast.
(00:42):
This is part two.
It's all coming up right afterthis.
Welcome back.
(01:03):
This is actually part two of the20-year anniversary edition.
I guess is what I'm going tocall it.
But this is the When WordsDon't Come Easy podcast.
I'm Andy Howard and, as you cansee, my wife, Tiffany Howard,
is joining me.
If you missed last week, you doneed to go back and just
there's a lot of great funstories and just some memories,
(01:26):
even how we met, and just somefun stories along the way.
But you don't have to know thatpart to get something out of
this episode.
This episode is going to bemore geared towards hope in
marriage.
It's going to be geared justsome tips and some things that
we've gone through that we hopewill help you with your marriage
(01:48):
or whatever you may be facing.
Before we jump in Tiff, you gotanything you want to say on
this particular episode?
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Oh, I'm just excited to continue, excited to give
hope.
Marriage is hard.
Let's start with that.
Marriage is hard And I think somany times in the world that we
live in, with Instagram andFacebook and you know all these
people earning their livings onsocial media, so many times we
present our best selves onsocial media.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
You call it the PR firm.
Right, You put your good stuffout there.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
And so it makes so many times we can compare
ourselves to what we're seeingon social media and it can make
us think that our marriages arefailing compared to everybody
else.
Everybody else is better And Iwill say, even Andy and I.
We try to be very transparenton social media and offer real
and hope, but it can even seemlike, oh, they have such a great
(02:39):
marriage, they never struggledwhere.
That's why we want to have thispodcast today to really talk
about 20 years of marriage andwhat it's taken to get here.
And it's like, man, if we couldhave jumped into marriage
knowing what we know today, howmuch better those last 20 years
would have been.
But you really have to growthrough it.
You really do.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
And it's not exactly right.
It's not easy but it's worth it.
It's what I would encourage youwith And it's not.
You do need to know upfrontit's not easy, but if you're
committed to it.
We made a vow that said richeror poorer, you know sickness and
health, better or worse, allthe things And I think sometimes
(03:20):
we invite God to the weddingbut we don't always invite Him
to the marriage And I wouldencourage you to do that.
If you're looking forfulfillment from your spouse,
you're going to be disappointed.
Just being honest, no matterhow good I married I'm married
so up and I'm so blessed but nomatter how good your spouse is,
(03:41):
if you're looking for hope inyour spouse, they were not
created to be your hope.
They were created to be yourteammate And we are a team.
I tell people all the time, man, marriage, like all the great
teams, you got to learn eachother's strengths and weaknesses
.
I hear all the time like thatmarriage is 50, 50, like 50%
here and 50 here, and I disagreewith that.
(04:02):
I think it's takes 100% on bothsides just pulling because and
you won't always be yourstrongest, but I think if
everybody's given 100% whenTiff's having a bad moment,
because that's going to happen.
Life happens right And we I'vebeen very transparent with my
(04:22):
bad moments, when I'm at a 60 or50% or 20%.
100% from the other helps, sotakes 100% on both sides.
But I wanted to show somethingto before we dive into this.
I for those who follow me onInstagram or Facebook or social
media I threw together a littlereal for the 20th anniversary
(04:45):
And so, as I was digging for oldpictures, i stumbled on
something And I'm going to showyou now, hopefully, if you're
watching.
So this was our wedding.
What do you call this?
Like a brochure thing?
Speaker 2 (04:59):
Sure, Your wedding.
what program Program maybe, Idon't know.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
But they open to walk in.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
You probably don't even they probably don't even
give those anymore.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
It's like do you call them a program?
Is that not right?
That's not right.
Well, anyways, what I wanted toshow you, because I thought it
was so cool And after all theseyears, i don't even know if you
can see it if you're watching athome.
But when words don't come easy,by Andy Howard, i wrote a song
for you 20 years ago now, andit's wild how prophetic that
(05:29):
song turned out to be.
I had no ideal, honestly.
I mean I was wanting to write.
I'm a romantic guy, i wanted towrite this, a romantic song,
and I did mean the words.
I wanted you to know that, nomatter what good times, bad
times, i will be there whenwords don't come easy.
I had no ideal.
(05:51):
What was right around the corner?
that you would lose your sistera couple of months into our
relationship when we firststarted dating.
That then, after we got married, gosh within two.
Well, no, i was about fiveyears in.
Can I do remember?
Peyton was just about to beborn.
You lost your father to cancerAnd then, a couple of years
(06:14):
after that, you would lose yourmama.
That I would lose my dad Andthen, 12 years later, i would
lose my mom And then, of coursePeyton with her diagnosis and
everything that that didmentally for me.
Just the walk.
It's been a crazy journey.
There's been so many ups, somany downs But you know I got it
and faithful through all of it.
(06:35):
But what kind of what do youwant to share right now?
Or what kind of hope do youwant to give about the process
and about everything we've kindof gone through?
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Well, i think that you know.
First, i would like to open tosaying, if you are have been
through a divorce, we want youto know that we love you And
this isn't by no means to makeyou feel that we're judging you
as we talk about being committedto your spouse.
You know Jesus is so full ofgrace and you know.
And we also want to say, ifyou're in abusive marriage, you
(07:05):
know we are not encouraging youto stay and we are encouraging
you to seek help.
So please hear that, because Ithink sometimes, as Christians
and ministry, you can hearpeople say the importance of
staying together and we are 100percent for commitment, but not
when you're in a place ofpotential physical harm.
So please hear that Weencourage you to seek help from
Christian counselors andtherapists and things, and we
(07:26):
are not those people, but forthe rest of you, we just want to
offer hope.
I think that you know we saidit at the beginning, for better,
for worse, for richer, forpoorer people.
We say that at the altar,everybody does.
But you know it's easy to say.
It's a whole lot harder to liveout And I think one of the
things that Andy and I committedto from the beginning and just
thankful we are modeled.
(07:47):
We had great role, models ofmarriage.
Our parents were committed toone another And they exemplified
a Christian marriage and thatmakes such a difference.
And I do want to say just toknow that what we are living out
.
We fight every day for ourmarriage, for ourselves, but
also for our children, becausewe know that they are going to
(08:07):
do what we do And I want them tomarry a man as good as Andy,
And so we fought for ourmarriage, for what we are
literally leaving the nextgeneration and the generation
after that.
And we live in a world wheremarriage is so easily thrown
away as much as you throw away aspouse And we have a generation
of people that won't marryanymore because they were
modeled bad marriages.
(08:27):
And I'm determined in ourlegacy that we are changing that
.
And Andy and I made thatdecision.
You know before we got marriedthat we would make that vow and
we would mean it forever.
And I will say that through 20years there have been times
where I will not lie.
It would have been so mucheasier to walk away, so much
(08:49):
easier, and I think that I haveto always remind myself, and
sometimes in the heat of themoments when it's hard and we'll
share some of that with youit's harder to walk that out in
those moments.
It's easier to stay in the goodtimes.
But I have to remind myselfthat marriage is to be a
representation of Christ and hisbride, christ, in the church.
And when I think about how manytimes I have felt the Lord and
(09:11):
how many times I've sinned andhow many times he should have
left me, like how many timesI've sinned and asked for
forgiveness and then went anddone it again and broke his
heart over and over and over andover, yet he's never left me
And that is what the depictionof marriage is supposed to be of
Christ in his church.
And so when Andy and I disagreeor we've had really hard times,
i have to think like Jesuswon't leave me, i can't leave
(09:34):
him and I have to fight.
And I know it's very easy atmarriage to blame your spouse.
There's many a times that Iwould just super transparent
love And I'm like God if youjust fix Andy, if you just fix
Andy.
And reality is Lord saying.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
You're still trying to fix me.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
No, he started to fix me.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
But no, you're exactly right.
If we focus on ourself and whatwe can control in our
relationship with God, you can'thelp but bleed.
It bleeds over.
It really does.
And the closer you are to God,the closer you are at modeling
that it inspires the other.
(10:13):
So, like for so many people whomay say, well, i want my husband
to do this, like I wish youwere.
Maybe he doesn't like to go tochurch or maybe he just doesn't
have a relationship with God.
They're kind of that you wanthim to.
Well, you could either nag onhim and beat him over the head
about that.
You need to go to church andyou need, or you can just level
(10:35):
up your faith, and I'm notsaying you don't Some people.
So please hear, our hearts are,our hearts are with you.
So it's not that we're doingthis from a judgmental
standpoint, but just from what'sworked for us throughout the
years is, when I see Tiff go outyour garden more through prayer
, through her prayer life,through her Bible study time, it
(10:57):
inspires me to do more.
And that's the same througheverything, if you're even in
your health, and all the things.
You could either just try to nagand say all the things you want
them to do, or usually, i wouldsay usually, as you level up,
the other person follows, theydo.
They see what they see what youdo.
(11:18):
And then as far as the kidssorry, as far as the kids last
thing, real quick, you weretalking about them, but I think
so much more is caught thantaught, and I've heard that said
so many times before too.
So you can teach them all theright things with your mouth but
not lead them with your actions, and so they are watching you
(11:41):
like little sponges.
So when you say stuff like youwant your, your daughter's, to
have a godly husband, that makesme want to live.
The role is so much moreimportant Looking, i don't know,
20, 30 years from now, let'ssay a long time from now,
because I don't want, i don'twant them.
(12:02):
I want them to have high, highstandards in what they want in
their husband, how they want tobe treated, how they want to be
loved, how they want to berespected, all the things.
So it is so much more caughtthan taught So you can't speak
it.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Well, i look at Andy and think you know you are so
much like my dad.
My dad was like my hero and hewas my best friend And I saw so
many qualities in you that I sawin my dad.
And so you know, in the same,like when our sons are looking
for wives, they're going tomodel that after what they see
in you women and in vice versa.
(12:38):
And I think that you know, inmarriage it has been we have had
so many hearts I mean so many,not only hearts with loss and,
you know, being broke.
We've had so many fights overmoney.
We know money is one of thenumber one fights in marriage
And we've got so many fightsover that and just blaming each
other and so much of it done outof pain and communication I say
(12:59):
we'll say is the number onething I think in marriage
communication and tone.
And I know he's going to talkon that.
But I think that one of thethings and I pray this every
morning, I mean even thismorning I was going to orange
theory I have it actually on mygirl's mirror in their bathroom,
in their mirror in theirbedroom And I pray it to myself
every morning Lord, let me havethe fruits of the spirit, help,
every interaction with my spouse, with my children, with the
(13:21):
people I encounter Love, joy,peace, patience, kindness,
gentleness, self-control.
If we will have those things inour marriage, even when our
spouse isn't doing those backtests because Andy and I there
are times I know I'm not gentlewith him but he is gentle back
to me and he can diffuse thesituation so fast because I am
(13:41):
very much a fighter and verymuch a like I will let it level
up quickly.
But with his gentle words andwith his love he can squash any
of that.
And so I always pray like Lord,let me have those things.
You know, even if you have aspouse who's not serving Jesus,
we are to be Jesus to the world,including our unsafe spouse.
It's hard.
It's why Jesus encourages us tobe equally yoked from the
(14:04):
beginning.
But sometimes, when we're not,god is still such a God of
restoration that he can changeyour spouse through your actions
.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
You're exactly right And you're being too kind to me,
and I think you really are.
I'm not always perfect,obviously, but I do my best.
But you're exactly right oncommunication.
I think it's massivecommunication and for us, fellas
I'm speaking for the dudes hereto all you ladies, this is free
(14:34):
, so you're going to love this,right?
Just, we are very simple and we, but we need help, like we need
to know what you're thinking,we need to know what you need.
And so many times we justexpect our spouse and sometimes
I'm not letting you off the hookeither, fellas Sometimes you
have to work for it.
You need to work and try tofigure out.
(14:56):
Do your part as well.
But I think the communicationthing is that we just expect our
spouse to know that I'm havinga bad day, or that this happened
or that happened, and it mightnot even be their fault.
But then, because you come instressed, already, irritated,
then the dude starts thinking oh, my goodness, what did I do
today?
(15:16):
And so you're like oh, what Imight have been this.
Did I say that?
Did I forget the trash?
Did I trash?
No, you start going through allthese things and then you've
already created all thesestories before it even happens,
and it does.
It escalates quickly when itmay not have had anything to do
with them, could have been.
You know what?
My boss was a jerk today, orthis happened today, or I'm just
(15:36):
not feeling well today, orwhatever it is.
So communication is so huge, ifyou would.
And here's another one how youcommunicate is huge.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
So Tony Andy always says to me tone, tone tone.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Tone is important.
It is.
You can be right.
No, you can be wrong at the topof your lungs, right, is that
right?
You can be right, but wrong atthe top of your lungs, something
like that.
There's a saying out there I'veprobably just butchered it but
you can be right.
Like, say, tiff is right aboutwhatever it is, but if she says
it in a very harsh way, thatthen makes her wrong, right,
(16:14):
right.
Tone matters Tone matters, yeah,tone matters, and so
communication matters.
And if you look at at the bookand I always want to plug the
book because I do believe I putmy blood, sweat and tears into
it so that it could help peopleand bring hope But the very last
chapter is kind of the titlechapter of the book, when words
don't come easy and we talkabout the need to be right And I
(16:38):
think that is a huge one in inmarriages and pretty much
everything you face any kind ofcommunication with anyone, any
teammate, any future partner, abusiness partner, whatever the
need to be right, because forsome reason we hold on to this
need to be right, which meanswe're not even willing to let it
(16:59):
go that I have to be rightabout it.
Is it really worth it?
So you have to choose, pick andchoose.
Is it worth it?
Speaker 2 (17:05):
It's not easy.
No 20 years in.
I mean even yesterday I didn'teven tell you this.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
But in the car.
What do I?
Speaker 2 (17:11):
do.
I don't remember.
It wasn't anything you did.
He said something and I don'teven remember We were.
It was a great conversation.
We were just talking.
I don't even know what it wasabout.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Then you got me in my head.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
No, I don't.
it wasn't.
that's obviously wasn't a bigdeal, because I don't remember,
But in my mind I was like, oh,that is it right.
Like I wanted to come back andsay, but in my, literally, I had
to talk myself off the ledgebecause I'm like is this worth
it?
I don't have to be right.
Like I desire peace and loveand joy, all those things over
(17:43):
being right, Even though in themoment.
I wanted to be right because Ithink we all, it's human to make
.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
That's true, yeah, it's.
You all want that, we want that, i want that all the time, i
want to be right.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
I want to be right, but it's knowing what hill is
worth dying on And most of thehills that we die on are not
worth dying on And it's justhaving grace with one another.
You know my friend Megan someof you that are do what we do
for a living No, megan Valentineand she had shared a Instagram
kind of some slides with me.
It was actually aboutforgiveness, but it would.
(18:16):
It works in forgiveness andgrace And it says, when you
don't extend forgiveness orgrace, you don't understand the
forgiveness and grace that wasextended to you by.
Christ, and I think that inmarriage, that's one of the
biggest things is you're goingto have to extend grace and
forgive over and over and overand over again.
Your spouse will never be Jesus.
(18:36):
They will never be perfect.
We're always striving, jesustells us, be perfect because I
am beholdy, because I am.
But we're always going to bestriving.
But I think that it's havinggrace and putting each other
first.
That's one thing I'd reallylike to talk about for a minute,
because I think that the longeryou're married, you know, when
you get married at first, beforeyou have kids, it's easy to put
each other first.
That's all you got Like.
(18:56):
It's not hard, but, especiallyfor you, every mom is out there.
Once you have children, becausethey are flesh and blood and we
hold such a high responsibilityin raising them, it's very easy
for us as women to put ourchildren first.
And I will say that in the lastyou know, probably really 10
years of marriage once the twinsare born, because for Peyton it
(19:18):
was us against the world withPeyton.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Yeah, and she didn't have the same needs or desires.
No, she had a lot of needs,physical needs that we had to
physical, but she didn't havelike the same needs the twins
have.
Like the twins craverelationship And you know,
peyton, she loves us and sheloves our relationship and the
love and all that stuff, but she, for the most part, doesn't do
(19:42):
a lot.
She doesn't have, yeah, needthose things.
Like the twins need our time,they need the investment and
constant.
You know stuff, because take mehere, take me there, but I did
want to throw out a book.
So if you don't have this, it'scalled Love and Respect And
it's Dr Emerson and I'm probablygoing to butcher the last name.
(20:02):
I might just spell it It'sE-G-G-E-R-I-C-H-S.
I guess Egrets, maybe Egrets,but it's such a good book.
I remember reading that some 10,15 years ago maybe, maybe not
that long, but it's been a whileand it talks about men.
We need respect.
That's how we feel.
Loved by being respected.
(20:22):
It's just that Dang right, men.
You will see, it's a sign ofrespect, like, if a dude I saw
someone talk about this onInstagram earlier some kind of
short video reel, when a dudesees another dude and if he
knows him, he will give him thehead nod, what's up.
It's just a sign of respect.
And if he doesn't know them yet, he kind of nods his head but
(20:45):
it's nodded down into the uh,it's not a down, it's still a
sign of respect.
And so men are we work offrespect, and so, while women
need love And so, and how dothey feel loved?
And it goes throughout.
This book is so good, it goesthroughout all that.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
So you know and, in the center, given tips.
I will say a couple of podcaststhat I love, that I listen to
all the time.
A focus on the family actuallyis one of my favorite podcasts.
They have a marriage and aparenting podcast, and I love it
because they are like less than10 minutes a day and they just
give such great tips.
And then also lovers, onecalled famous at home Oh, it's a
great podcast.
And then the naked marriageIt's a wonderful podcast too.
(21:23):
Um, i love it, and I think thatwith marriage, one of the
biggest things is one puttingyour spouse first, and that's
not easy to do.
But, guys, you are children,moms like I have to remind
myself.
My job is to raise them, uh, tobe good humans And, more than
anything, my main objective isthat they love Jesus and go to
him for everything.
But I have 18 years with themAnd then my job is to release
(21:45):
them.
You know, to do what God hascalled them to do, but you're
going to be with your spouseforever, and we see so many
people get divorced.
Um, when their children leavethe nest because they don't even
know who their spouse isanymore, it's almost like
starting over If you lose thatrelationship.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
So you have to keep that.
And so a couple more tips.
One we try to almost alwayshave a date night weekly.
We try to date our spouse.
I know it sounds wild.
Talk about it in the book aswell.
It's about that pursuit.
If you quit pursuing yourspouse, your spouse will find
(22:20):
the pursuit somewhere else.
I'm not saying that that meansthey're going to go cheat on it.
No, it's just a natural feel ofthat void, like somebody will
come along and say, oh, you looknice today, and then that's
playing in there.
Oh, wow, someone noticed that Ilook nice today.
Oh, so cool.
It's that pursuit, so, and youdon't want to get to the end of
it.
And it doesn't have to be 18years.
I'm not one of those dads Oh,you're 18.
(22:41):
You're out of here.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
I wanted to be with me forever.
We have one that may be hereuntil she's 96.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
And that's totally fine.
That's totally fine, Anyways.
But say you get to the end ofthat, right?
Do you have to reintroduceyourself?
And by then it is very hard.
So just constantly date yourspouse.
And the other thing I wanted tosay and let you jump in, Yes,
cause I lost it.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Well, for dating your spouse, I do want to encourage
you to, because it's very easyfor us to have excuses in that
one We don't have the money.
We hear that a lot.
We used to be that way And Ican say that you can find ways
to do it that don't cost.
There are a hundred things youcan.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
You can watch a TV show together, and I'm not
saying that's a cop out, likedon't just not talk or
communicate, but find somethingyou both love to do Go on a walk
after dinner, that's free.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
There's books, i don't know.
I don't think you can getbetter with the date ideas.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
Go on Starbucks and just grab a $2 coffee.
You don't have to be a $30 dayor a $100 day Or anything like
that, just making an effort.
Here's what the cool thing isfellas I talked about for the
ladies earlier.
This is a tip for you guys, forhow many male listeners I have
out there?
Women just love effort.
They love the effort.
(23:53):
They don't always care aboutthe execution of the effort.
They see you trying.
They're going to meet youhalfway or even say, okay, honey
, let me help you on this datebecause you're sucking at it.
So they just like the effortand that means a lot.
The other thing that I wasthinking that I forgot, and I'll
come right back to you if I'mnot trying to hog this, but I
just want you to know.
it's so important for dudeswhen I was talking about respect
(24:14):
Don't ever talk bad about yourspouse, one guy or girl.
I'm just saying don't talk badabout your spouse, especially
publicly.
For us dudes, you will I don'twant to say kill the
relationship.
That may be too far, but ithurts.
It causes so much damage.
It's so much damage, even ifyou're just with your
(24:35):
girlfriends, like this is thisgirl.
Let me tell you about what myhusband did.
That's my funny girl voice.
That's her bad news.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Texas woods talk Let me tell you what he done.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Maybe not, but sometimes there are ladies who
feel comfortable putting their,just because of what we did in
marriage ministry for years.
We we heard it.
They feel comfortable withtheir girlfriends saying all the
.
And I know that's what I'msaying.
I'm not saying that.
I'm not saying that They feelcomfortable with their
girlfriends saying all the and Iknow that you should have a
trusted Friend that you can vent.
(25:08):
I'm not saying you can nevervent, but you have to know who
you can trust Cuz it does causedamage.
So if you likewise the sametone, If you're at a group
dinner with a bunch of peopleand you say my husband Mostly
yard better I mean our yardlooks better than any home on
(25:29):
the street, or something like Idon't know what he does, That
wins a good one, but well.
I don't do the home, our yard,i'm just saying but if someone
there are a lot of men who doyards I'm just saying, whatever
it is that he does, that justHe'll just walk around like a
peacock you know, struttingaround for a week because, oh,
my wife was proud of me, so justit goes a long ways.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
It does absolutely.
And and I was gonna say thattoo don't speak ill of your
spouse and just remember yourfriends and your family.
They don't have the grace andthe love for your spouse the way
you do and they will always seethem through those eyes and
those glasses.
So I definitely encourage thatand and you can find listen,
we're all about Christiantherapy and counseling.
We got counselors, we.
We have marriage, marriage lifecoaches that help us.
(26:13):
So we're all for that.
But I did want to say to youknow about time really quick,
even back to dates or anythingSpending time with your spouse
every day for five minutes.
You know, it doesn't even haveto be long, like if any not get
to sit down.
Normally we'll have dinner,family dinners, and then we kick
our kids out and we just satthere for 15, 20 minutes and
talk and that is some of myfavorite time of the day.
It's a way we can connectwithout spending money.
(26:36):
But that is so importantbecause it's easy when you're
busy to be two ships passing inthe night and you're never
really Communicating but you'rejust kind of co-parenting and so
encourage you in that and andwe can say well, our kids have
games And they have sports and Idon't time for a day and I
don't have time for whatever.
But it's kind of like peoplesay show me your checkbook and I
will know, you know, i'll knowwhat you care about.
It's the same with your timeshow me where you spend your
(26:57):
time And I'll know where youcare about, and we know.
Whatever we find value in wewill make a priority And if it's
our marriage, then we will findtime for one another.
And I did want to share tooabout love languages.
I think this is huge inmarriage.
So there's a book called thefive love languages.
A lot of people know about it,but it really talks about how we
each feel loved in differentways and early on in marriage
(27:18):
And you know, took the lovelanguage test to find out what
our love languages were.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
And it's so important to know that because generally
The whatever your love languagesis what you give to somebody
all back to the Communicationsthing you're talking about,
because you may be trying totell them you love them with all
your heart, but yeah, if you'renot reaching what she's about
to tell you, they don't fill thelove, so carry on, yeah so it's
kind of like I will say so mylove language is the acts of
(27:44):
service And it's like number one.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
Like some people are like kind of high in a lot of
them.
I like nothing matters to melike acts of service.
And so early on and remember,andy's are romantic And that's
not my love language.
So like if he would buy me agift, like it's nice, don't get
me wrong, but it's not how I see, it's not how I'm shown love.
But if Andy'll wash the dishesor I'll go get my car gasped up
or detailed the car or he'll doanything like that, i feel so
(28:09):
loved because as a mom I getstressed because I have so much
to accomplish, and I feel soloved when he will do those
things, whereas Andy loves you,i mean.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
I think I'm pretty much you can do all five.
Love languages, not, yeah,physical touch do we say that?
one words of information.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
Makes it easy on me, though, because I just gotta do
like I do if she hit 80% of themwork.
We're good.
But knowing your spouse's lovelanguage is so huge and actually
I would say you know I've gottime to go into this, but I
actually love to know my friendslove languages and the people
that I work with, because I wantto make them feel loved and
valued through their lovelanguage.
So that's huge.
(28:55):
And Oh, the last thing I wantto share as we go.
I know you're gonna close out,but I want to encourage.
There's a ministry That's allover the United States.
I was gonna close that so carryon, you can do it Something that
we actually led at our churchwhen, early when our twins are
when baby carriers We went toit's called re-engage, a
(29:16):
marriage ministry.
We went with some friends ofours that wanted to work on
their marriage and we said, hey,we'll go with you to support
you, having no idea the value Wewould get out of it in fact,
such value that we ended upleading at our church for two
years.
But it's all over the UnitedStates and it's not just.
Most people think if we saythis, it's for bad marriages.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
This is All the time in the commercial, whether your
marriage is a one or a nine,like on a scale one to ten or
whatever Like, whether you havethe.
If you are in need of help,they can help you for sure.
Or if you just want a bettermarriage And ours.
We just thought we were goingto support some other friends of
ours at the time But we didn'thave any idea.
(29:57):
We're, we're good, but it kindof you hear the term like fill
a's you wide open.
You hear that a lot This willfill a like your marriage wide
open, all the things that youneed help with.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
So many times we don't know what we don't know,
and so sometimes we don't knowwhat we're missing in marriage
and a lot of times good is goodBut the enemy of great is good,
and I don't want a good marriageon a great marriage And
re-engage.
We've actually attended itprobably four times.
That's how much we love it AndI will tell you, even if you,
it's not at the church you're apart of, re-engage is free And
(30:30):
you do not have to attend thechurch that you go to for the
marriage mystery.
You can find it.
You know the website.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
Yes, i do.
I was gonna say so, go to reengage, re Engageorg,
reengageorg.
So that's the main one which isin the watermark in Dallas.
But if you look on re engageorg, check it out.
There You can put in your zipcode, no matter where you're at
in the US, chances are somebody.
(30:58):
So this church is so cool, theyfor free, and all you have to
do it.
Most of these churches is attendtheir conference and learn how
to do it right, because theywant to make sure you're doing
it from a Biblical standpoint.
And then they pay for the, thebooks, which are like ten bucks
a piece and they will letanybody do that.
So they've been, becausethey're.
Their main goal is helpingmarriages.
(31:18):
There's been a lot of churcheswas like, oh, this is ours, this
is ours, we're not gonna share.
But they were like, yes, yes,let's share.
So this ministry is helping somany people, and not only in the
US but all around the world.
It's so cool that there areplaces outside of the US even
doing this.
So go to re engage or put inyour zip and it can help you.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
And just note too, if you are someone who says, oh,
my spouse won't go We used tohear all the time women who,
would you know, tell us theywanted to go with their spouse
wouldn't go I do want you toknow that the first half of the
ministry you actually can goalone.
There does become a point downthe road that to get in a closed
group your spouse has to bethere.
But I will tell you I can't.
(31:59):
I mean, so many women wouldcome to reengage for that first
hour and listen to thetestimonies and hear the worship
And they would do that over andover and over again.
And I can't tell you how manytimes we watch God show up and
their spouses join them and it Imean it completely changed
their marriage.
So your faithfulness to say,hey, even if you won't go, i
will go, because I know for somemen they think it's weird, i
(32:21):
get it, but once they go they'lllove it.
But you being faithful,hopefully, will encourage them
to join you, so don't wait onthem.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
Something special about hearing testimonies,
because there are going to besome testimonies that were in
dire need of help And then thereare going to be some that were
like oh, we had a pretty goodmarriage, but we just needed to
fine tune some stuff.
So, no matter where you're at,you're going to find someone who
you can relate to and you'regoing to learn from this.
So any any closing thoughts aswe get wrapped this one up.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Just have grace for one another.
This is hard, Mary.
it won't get easy.
I'm going to just tell you thatit will never get easy.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
It will get.
Does That's a red flag?
Yeah, i'm serious, like whenyou quit investing in your
marriage and you quit workinghard, that that means you need a
reengager, you need to talk tosomebody because you need.
Marriage is hard.
It does take work.
It's not if it's easy There issomething wrong.
And I don't mean that means youhave, you don't have, a good
(33:22):
relationship, but it meansyou're probably taking it too
easy if you feel like it's easy.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
And I would say in closing that you know we believe
with every fiber of our beingthat the enemy is here in this
day and age to attack the family, to start with marriages, and
in turn attack our children.
So every morning I spend timeliterally praying over our
marriage and our family, becauseI know that the enemy is coming
(33:47):
to still kill and destroy.
And if he can destroy familiesand he's done it I mean, if we
look in our world, he has doneit and we see the state of our
children today in this cultureAnd we can really directly route
it back to so many marriagesbeing destroyed.
And so the enemy knows.
So many times we say, oh, if Iget divorced, so we better for
my kids.
That is incredibly rare.
(34:07):
I only believe that happenswhen there's physical abuse or
you know very strong things.
So many children are destroyedthrough divorce And please hear
me If you've already been there,we are not here to judge you,
we're not telling you to fix it.
God is such a God ofrestoration and love and he can
change our wrongs.
He's done it for me so manytimes.
But we need to know that we arenot wrestling against flesh and
(34:29):
blood but against theprincipalities of darkness.
The enemy is here to destroyour marriages and we can let it
happen because we allow reallydumb things sometimes, like us
wanting to be right or us notputting each other first or us
not communicating.
We can allow the enemy to winor we can know who we're
fighting against and say that weare committed to one another
(34:52):
for the rest of our lives.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
It's good, and so, with that said, we're going to
wrap this one up.
I thank you so much for joiningus.
I please know everything wassaid would love to help and to
bring hope.
That's what this podcast isabout to bring hope in every
area we can, and marriage is oneof those big staples for Tiff
and I, and for even for the book.
(35:14):
So this, when words don't comeeasy, podcasts will always be
about hope and from time to time, you will hear from somebody on
marriage, because it is thatimportant to us.
So we love you guys.
Thanks for tuning in And, asalways, we will see you next
time.
God bless, wow, all right, weare done.
We are done with the two part20th anniversary podcast.
(35:38):
I hope you had as much fun withthat as we did.
Tiff is such an amazing,amazing partner and just wife.
I just love her so much andalways glad to see you, glad to
do life with her and to dopodcast with her anytime she can
jump on.
So my prayer is that we'll beuplifting for your marriage and
(35:59):
that there is something that youcan take and apply to your
marriage today, wherever you'reat on your journey.
That's what this podcast is allabout bringing hope.
So again, thank you for joiningus.
If you haven't got the book yetit's a book of hope for you When
(36:20):
words don't come easy you canget it at AndyHowardcom.
It's available also on Amazon,audible and Kindle.
And please leave a five starreview.
It helps get the book into morehands and more people seeing it
, and that's what my prayer isthat more people will get a hold
(36:40):
of this book.
So thanks again for taking thetime to listen.
We appreciate you so much.
God bless everybody.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
If this episode helped you inany way, it would mean the world
to me If you would leave areview and share it with
somebody else.
Thanks so much.
I'll catch you next time.
What's up you guys?
We are back for more.
Yes, this week it is part two,the conclusion to our 20-year
anniversary podcast, And so thisone is much more on kind of the
nuts and bolts of marriage, ifyou will some top takeaways and
(00:21):
pointers and things that we'velearned throughout the years
that we hope will lift up yourmarriage and encourage you as
well.
So I hope you will stick aroundand enjoy the great Tiffany
Howard and myself as we diveback in to the rest of our
20-year anniversary podcast.
(00:42):
This is part two.
It's all coming up right afterthis.
Welcome back.
(01:03):
This is actually part two of the20-year anniversary edition.
I guess is what I'm going tocall it.
But this is the When WordsDon't Come Easy podcast.
I'm Andy Howard and, as you cansee, my wife, Tiffany Howard,
is joining me.
If you missed last week, you doneed to go back and just
there's a lot of great funstories and just some memories,
(01:26):
even how we met, and just somefun stories along the way.
But you don't have to know thatpart to get something out of
this episode.
This episode is going to bemore geared towards hope in
marriage.
It's going to be geared justsome tips and some things that
we've gone through that we hopewill help you with your marriage
(01:48):
or whatever you may be facing.
Before we jump in Tiff, you gotanything you want to say on
this particular episode?
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Oh, I'm just excited to continue, excited to give
hope.
Marriage is hard.
Let's start with that.
Marriage is hard And I think somany times in the world that we
live in, with Instagram andFacebook and you know all these
people earning their livings onsocial media, so many times we
present our best selves onsocial media.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
You call it the PR firm.
Right, You put your good stuffout there.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
And so it makes so many times we can compare
ourselves to what we're seeingon social media and it can make
us think that our marriages arefailing compared to everybody
else.
Everybody else is better And Iwill say, even Andy and I.
We try to be very transparenton social media and offer real
and hope, but it can even seemlike, oh, they have such a great
(02:39):
marriage, they never struggledwhere.
That's why we want to have thispodcast today to really talk
about 20 years of marriage andwhat it's taken to get here.
And it's like, man, if we couldhave jumped into marriage
knowing what we know today, howmuch better those last 20 years
would have been.
But you really have to growthrough it.
You really do.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
And it's not exactly right.
It's not easy but it's worth it.
It's what I would encourage youwith And it's not.
You do need to know upfrontit's not easy, but if you're
committed to it.
We made a vow that said richeror poorer, you know sickness and
health, better or worse, allthe things And I think sometimes
(03:20):
we invite God to the weddingbut we don't always invite Him
to the marriage And I wouldencourage you to do that.
If you're looking forfulfillment from your spouse,
you're going to be disappointed.
Just being honest, no matterhow good I married I'm married
so up and I'm so blessed but nomatter how good your spouse is,
(03:41):
if you're looking for hope inyour spouse, they were not
created to be your hope.
They were created to be yourteammate And we are a team.
I tell people all the time, man, marriage, like all the great
teams, you got to learn eachother's strengths and weaknesses
.
I hear all the time like thatmarriage is 50, 50, like 50%
here and 50 here, and I disagreewith that.
(04:02):
I think it's takes 100% on bothsides just pulling because and
you won't always be yourstrongest, but I think if
everybody's given 100% whenTiff's having a bad moment,
because that's going to happen.
Life happens right And we I'vebeen very transparent with my
(04:22):
bad moments, when I'm at a 60 or50% or 20%.
100% from the other helps, sotakes 100% on both sides.
But I wanted to show somethingto before we dive into this.
I for those who follow me onInstagram or Facebook or social
media I threw together a littlereal for the 20th anniversary
(04:45):
And so, as I was digging for oldpictures, i stumbled on
something And I'm going to showyou now, hopefully, if you're
watching.
So this was our wedding.
What do you call this?
Like a brochure thing?
Speaker 2 (04:59):
Sure, Your wedding.
what program Program maybe, Idon't know.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
But they open to walk in.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
You probably don't even they probably don't even
give those anymore.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
It's like do you call them a program?
Is that not right?
That's not right.
Well, anyways, what I wanted toshow you, because I thought it
was so cool And after all theseyears, i don't even know if you
can see it if you're watching athome.
But when words don't come easy,by Andy Howard, i wrote a song
for you 20 years ago now, andit's wild how prophetic that
(05:29):
song turned out to be.
I had no ideal, honestly.
I mean I was wanting to write.
I'm a romantic guy, i wanted towrite this, a romantic song,
and I did mean the words.
I wanted you to know that, nomatter what good times, bad
times, i will be there whenwords don't come easy.
I had no ideal.
(05:51):
What was right around the corner?
that you would lose your sistera couple of months into our
relationship when we firststarted dating.
That then, after we got married, gosh within two.
Well, no, i was about fiveyears in.
Can I do remember?
Peyton was just about to beborn.
You lost your father to cancerAnd then, a couple of years
(06:14):
after that, you would lose yourmama.
That I would lose my dad Andthen, 12 years later, i would
lose my mom And then, of coursePeyton with her diagnosis and
everything that that didmentally for me.
Just the walk.
It's been a crazy journey.
There's been so many ups, somany downs But you know I got it
and faithful through all of it.
(06:35):
But what kind of what do youwant to share right now?
Or what kind of hope do youwant to give about the process
and about everything we've kindof gone through?
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Well, i think that you know.
First, i would like to open tosaying, if you are have been
through a divorce, we want youto know that we love you And
this isn't by no means to makeyou feel that we're judging you
as we talk about being committedto your spouse.
You know Jesus is so full ofgrace and you know.
And we also want to say, ifyou're in abusive marriage, you
(07:05):
know we are not encouraging youto stay and we are encouraging
you to seek help.
So please hear that, because Ithink sometimes, as Christians
and ministry, you can hearpeople say the importance of
staying together and we are 100percent for commitment, but not
when you're in a place ofpotential physical harm.
So please hear that Weencourage you to seek help from
Christian counselors andtherapists and things, and we
(07:26):
are not those people, but forthe rest of you, we just want to
offer hope.
I think that you know we saidit at the beginning, for better,
for worse, for richer, forpoorer people.
We say that at the altar,everybody does.
But you know it's easy to say.
It's a whole lot harder to liveout And I think one of the
things that Andy and I committedto from the beginning and just
thankful we are modeled.
(07:47):
We had great role, models ofmarriage.
Our parents were committed toone another And they exemplified
a Christian marriage and thatmakes such a difference.
And I do want to say just toknow that what we are living out
.
We fight every day for ourmarriage, for ourselves, but
also for our children, becausewe know that they are going to
(08:07):
do what we do And I want them tomarry a man as good as Andy,
And so we fought for ourmarriage, for what we are
literally leaving the nextgeneration and the generation
after that.
And we live in a world wheremarriage is so easily thrown
away as much as you throw away aspouse And we have a generation
of people that won't marryanymore because they were
modeled bad marriages.
(08:27):
And I'm determined in ourlegacy that we are changing that
.
And Andy and I made thatdecision.
You know before we got marriedthat we would make that vow and
we would mean it forever.
And I will say that through 20years there have been times
where I will not lie.
It would have been so mucheasier to walk away, so much
(08:49):
easier, and I think that I haveto always remind myself, and
sometimes in the heat of themoments when it's hard and we'll
share some of that with youit's harder to walk that out in
those moments.
It's easier to stay in the goodtimes.
But I have to remind myselfthat marriage is to be a
representation of Christ and hisbride, christ, in the church.
And when I think about how manytimes I have felt the Lord and
(09:11):
how many times I've sinned andhow many times he should have
left me, like how many timesI've sinned and asked for
forgiveness and then went anddone it again and broke his
heart over and over and over andover, yet he's never left me
And that is what the depictionof marriage is supposed to be of
Christ in his church.
And so when Andy and I disagreeor we've had really hard times,
i have to think like Jesuswon't leave me, i can't leave
(09:34):
him and I have to fight.
And I know it's very easy atmarriage to blame your spouse.
There's many a times that Iwould just super transparent
love And I'm like God if youjust fix Andy, if you just fix
Andy.
And reality is Lord saying.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
You're still trying to fix me.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
No, he started to fix me.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
But no, you're exactly right.
If we focus on ourself and whatwe can control in our
relationship with God, you can'thelp but bleed.
It bleeds over.
It really does.
And the closer you are to God,the closer you are at modeling
that it inspires the other.
(10:13):
So, like for so many people whomay say, well, i want my husband
to do this, like I wish youwere.
Maybe he doesn't like to go tochurch or maybe he just doesn't
have a relationship with God.
They're kind of that you wanthim to.
Well, you could either nag onhim and beat him over the head
about that.
You need to go to church andyou need, or you can just level
(10:35):
up your faith, and I'm notsaying you don't Some people.
So please hear, our hearts are,our hearts are with you.
So it's not that we're doingthis from a judgmental
standpoint, but just from what'sworked for us throughout the
years is, when I see Tiff go outyour garden more through prayer
, through her prayer life,through her Bible study time, it
(10:57):
inspires me to do more.
And that's the same througheverything, if you're even in
your health, and all the things.
You could either just try to nagand say all the things you want
them to do, or usually, i wouldsay usually, as you level up,
the other person follows, theydo.
They see what they see what youdo.
(11:18):
And then as far as the kidssorry, as far as the kids last
thing, real quick, you weretalking about them, but I think
so much more is caught thantaught, and I've heard that said
so many times before too.
So you can teach them all theright things with your mouth but
not lead them with your actions, and so they are watching you
(11:41):
like little sponges.
So when you say stuff like youwant your, your daughter's, to
have a godly husband, that makesme want to live.
The role is so much moreimportant Looking, i don't know,
20, 30 years from now, let'ssay a long time from now,
because I don't want, i don'twant them.
(12:02):
I want them to have high, highstandards in what they want in
their husband, how they want tobe treated, how they want to be
loved, how they want to berespected, all the things.
So it is so much more caughtthan taught So you can't speak
it.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Well, i look at Andy and think you know you are so
much like my dad.
My dad was like my hero and hewas my best friend And I saw so
many qualities in you that I sawin my dad.
And so you know, in the same,like when our sons are looking
for wives, they're going tomodel that after what they see
in you women and in vice versa.
(12:38):
And I think that you know, inmarriage it has been we have had
so many hearts I mean so many,not only hearts with loss and,
you know, being broke.
We've had so many fights overmoney.
We know money is one of thenumber one fights in marriage
And we've got so many fightsover that and just blaming each
other and so much of it done outof pain and communication I say
(12:59):
we'll say is the number onething I think in marriage
communication and tone.
And I know he's going to talkon that.
But I think that one of thethings and I pray this every
morning, I mean even thismorning I was going to orange
theory I have it actually on mygirl's mirror in their bathroom,
in their mirror in theirbedroom And I pray it to myself
every morning Lord, let me havethe fruits of the spirit, help,
every interaction with my spouse, with my children, with the
(13:21):
people I encounter Love, joy,peace, patience, kindness,
gentleness, self-control.
If we will have those things inour marriage, even when our
spouse isn't doing those backtests because Andy and I there
are times I know I'm not gentlewith him but he is gentle back
to me and he can diffuse thesituation so fast because I am
(13:41):
very much a fighter and verymuch a like I will let it level
up quickly.
But with his gentle words andwith his love he can squash any
of that.
And so I always pray like Lord,let me have those things.
You know, even if you have aspouse who's not serving Jesus,
we are to be Jesus to the world,including our unsafe spouse.
It's hard.
It's why Jesus encourages us tobe equally yoked from the
(14:04):
beginning.
But sometimes, when we're not,god is still such a God of
restoration that he can changeyour spouse through your actions
.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
You're exactly right And you're being too kind to me,
and I think you really are.
I'm not always perfect,obviously, but I do my best.
But you're exactly right oncommunication.
I think it's massivecommunication and for us, fellas
I'm speaking for the dudes hereto all you ladies, this is free
(14:34):
, so you're going to love this,right?
Just, we are very simple and we, but we need help, like we need
to know what you're thinking,we need to know what you need.
And so many times we justexpect our spouse and sometimes
I'm not letting you off the hookeither, fellas Sometimes you
have to work for it.
You need to work and try tofigure out.
(14:56):
Do your part as well.
But I think the communicationthing is that we just expect our
spouse to know that I'm havinga bad day, or that this happened
or that happened, and it mightnot even be their fault.
But then, because you come instressed, already, irritated,
then the dude starts thinking oh, my goodness, what did I do
today?
(15:16):
And so you're like oh, what Imight have been this.
Did I say that?
Did I forget the trash?
Did I trash?
No, you start going through allthese things and then you've
already created all thesestories before it even happens,
and it does.
It escalates quickly when itmay not have had anything to do
with them, could have been.
You know what?
My boss was a jerk today, orthis happened today, or I'm just
(15:36):
not feeling well today, orwhatever it is.
So communication is so huge, ifyou would.
And here's another one how youcommunicate is huge.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
So Tony Andy always says to me tone, tone tone.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Tone is important.
It is.
You can be right.
No, you can be wrong at the topof your lungs, right, is that
right?
You can be right, but wrong atthe top of your lungs, something
like that.
There's a saying out there I'veprobably just butchered it but
you can be right.
Like, say, tiff is right aboutwhatever it is, but if she says
it in a very harsh way, thatthen makes her wrong, right,
(16:14):
right.
Tone matters Tone matters, yeah,tone matters, and so
communication matters.
And if you look at at the bookand I always want to plug the
book because I do believe I putmy blood, sweat and tears into
it so that it could help peopleand bring hope But the very last
chapter is kind of the titlechapter of the book, when words
don't come easy and we talkabout the need to be right And I
(16:38):
think that is a huge one in inmarriages and pretty much
everything you face any kind ofcommunication with anyone, any
teammate, any future partner, abusiness partner, whatever the
need to be right, because forsome reason we hold on to this
need to be right, which meanswe're not even willing to let it
(16:59):
go that I have to be rightabout it.
Is it really worth it?
So you have to choose, pick andchoose.
Is it worth it?
Speaker 2 (17:05):
It's not easy.
No 20 years in.
I mean even yesterday I didn'teven tell you this.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
But in the car.
What do I?
Speaker 2 (17:11):
do.
I don't remember.
It wasn't anything you did.
He said something and I don'teven remember We were.
It was a great conversation.
We were just talking.
I don't even know what it wasabout.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Then you got me in my head.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
No, I don't.
it wasn't.
that's obviously wasn't a bigdeal, because I don't remember,
But in my mind I was like, oh,that is it right.
Like I wanted to come back andsay, but in my, literally, I had
to talk myself off the ledgebecause I'm like is this worth
it?
I don't have to be right.
Like I desire peace and loveand joy, all those things over
(17:43):
being right, Even though in themoment.
I wanted to be right because Ithink we all, it's human to make
.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
That's true, yeah, it's.
You all want that, we want that, i want that all the time, i
want to be right.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
I want to be right, but it's knowing what hill is
worth dying on And most of thehills that we die on are not
worth dying on And it's justhaving grace with one another.
You know my friend Megan someof you that are do what we do
for a living No, megan Valentineand she had shared a Instagram
kind of some slides with me.
It was actually aboutforgiveness, but it would.
(18:16):
It works in forgiveness andgrace And it says, when you
don't extend forgiveness orgrace, you don't understand the
forgiveness and grace that wasextended to you by.
Christ, and I think that inmarriage, that's one of the
biggest things is you're goingto have to extend grace and
forgive over and over and overand over again.
Your spouse will never be Jesus.
(18:36):
They will never be perfect.
We're always striving, jesustells us, be perfect because I
am beholdy, because I am.
But we're always going to bestriving.
But I think that it's havinggrace and putting each other
first.
That's one thing I'd reallylike to talk about for a minute,
because I think that the longeryou're married, you know, when
you get married at first, beforeyou have kids, it's easy to put
each other first.
That's all you got Like.
(18:56):
It's not hard, but, especiallyfor you, every mom is out there.
Once you have children, becausethey are flesh and blood and we
hold such a high responsibilityin raising them, it's very easy
for us as women to put ourchildren first.
And I will say that in the lastyou know, probably really 10
years of marriage once the twinsare born, because for Peyton it
(19:18):
was us against the world withPeyton.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Yeah, and she didn't have the same needs or desires.
No, she had a lot of needs,physical needs that we had to
physical, but she didn't havelike the same needs the twins
have.
Like the twins craverelationship And you know,
peyton, she loves us and sheloves our relationship and the
love and all that stuff, but she, for the most part, doesn't do
(19:42):
a lot.
She doesn't have, yeah, needthose things.
Like the twins need our time,they need the investment and
constant.
You know stuff, because take mehere, take me there, but I did
want to throw out a book.
So if you don't have this, it'scalled Love and Respect And
it's Dr Emerson and I'm probablygoing to butcher the last name.
(20:02):
I might just spell it It'sE-G-G-E-R-I-C-H-S.
I guess Egrets, maybe Egrets,but it's such a good book.
I remember reading that some 10,15 years ago maybe, maybe not
that long, but it's been a whileand it talks about men.
We need respect.
That's how we feel.
Loved by being respected.
(20:22):
It's just that Dang right, men.
You will see, it's a sign ofrespect, like, if a dude I saw
someone talk about this onInstagram earlier some kind of
short video reel, when a dudesees another dude and if he
knows him, he will give him thehead nod, what's up.
It's just a sign of respect.
And if he doesn't know them yet, he kind of nods his head but
(20:45):
it's nodded down into the uh,it's not a down, it's still a
sign of respect.
And so men are we work offrespect, and so, while women
need love And so, and how dothey feel loved?
And it goes throughout.
This book is so good, it goesthroughout all that.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
So you know and, in the center, given tips.
I will say a couple of podcaststhat I love, that I listen to
all the time.
A focus on the family actuallyis one of my favorite podcasts.
They have a marriage and aparenting podcast, and I love it
because they are like less than10 minutes a day and they just
give such great tips.
And then also lovers, onecalled famous at home Oh, it's a
great podcast.
And then the naked marriageIt's a wonderful podcast too.
(21:23):
Um, i love it, and I think thatwith marriage, one of the
biggest things is one puttingyour spouse first, and that's
not easy to do.
But, guys, you are children,moms like I have to remind
myself.
My job is to raise them, uh, tobe good humans And, more than
anything, my main objective isthat they love Jesus and go to
him for everything.
But I have 18 years with themAnd then my job is to release
(21:45):
them.
You know, to do what God hascalled them to do, but you're
going to be with your spouseforever, and we see so many
people get divorced.
Um, when their children leavethe nest because they don't even
know who their spouse isanymore, it's almost like
starting over If you lose thatrelationship.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
So you have to keep that.
And so a couple more tips.
One we try to almost alwayshave a date night weekly.
We try to date our spouse.
I know it sounds wild.
Talk about it in the book aswell.
It's about that pursuit.
If you quit pursuing yourspouse, your spouse will find
(22:20):
the pursuit somewhere else.
I'm not saying that that meansthey're going to go cheat on it.
No, it's just a natural feel ofthat void, like somebody will
come along and say, oh, you looknice today, and then that's
playing in there.
Oh, wow, someone noticed that Ilook nice today.
Oh, so cool.
It's that pursuit, so, and youdon't want to get to the end of
it.
And it doesn't have to be 18years.
I'm not one of those dads Oh,you're 18.
(22:41):
You're out of here.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
I wanted to be with me forever.
We have one that may be hereuntil she's 96.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
And that's totally fine.
That's totally fine, Anyways.
But say you get to the end ofthat, right?
Do you have to reintroduceyourself?
And by then it is very hard.
So just constantly date yourspouse.
And the other thing I wanted tosay and let you jump in, Yes,
cause I lost it.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Well, for dating your spouse, I do want to encourage
you to, because it's very easyfor us to have excuses in that
one We don't have the money.
We hear that a lot.
We used to be that way And Ican say that you can find ways
to do it that don't cost.
There are a hundred things youcan.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
You can watch a TV show together, and I'm not
saying that's a cop out, likedon't just not talk or
communicate, but find somethingyou both love to do Go on a walk
after dinner, that's free.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
There's books, i don't know.
I don't think you can getbetter with the date ideas.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
Go on Starbucks and just grab a $2 coffee.
You don't have to be a $30 dayor a $100 day Or anything like
that, just making an effort.
Here's what the cool thing isfellas I talked about for the
ladies earlier.
This is a tip for you guys, forhow many male listeners I have
out there?
Women just love effort.
They love the effort.
(23:53):
They don't always care aboutthe execution of the effort.
They see you trying.
They're going to meet youhalfway or even say, okay, honey
, let me help you on this datebecause you're sucking at it.
So they just like the effortand that means a lot.
The other thing that I wasthinking that I forgot, and I'll
come right back to you if I'mnot trying to hog this, but I
just want you to know.
it's so important for dudeswhen I was talking about respect
(24:14):
Don't ever talk bad about yourspouse, one guy or girl.
I'm just saying don't talk badabout your spouse, especially
publicly.
For us dudes, you will I don'twant to say kill the
relationship.
That may be too far, but ithurts.
It causes so much damage.
It's so much damage, even ifyou're just with your
(24:35):
girlfriends, like this is thisgirl.
Let me tell you about what myhusband did.
That's my funny girl voice.
That's her bad news.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Texas woods talk Let me tell you what he done.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Maybe not, but sometimes there are ladies who
feel comfortable putting their,just because of what we did in
marriage ministry for years.
We we heard it.
They feel comfortable withtheir girlfriends saying all the
.
And I know that's what I'msaying.
I'm not saying that.
I'm not saying that They feelcomfortable with their
girlfriends saying all the and Iknow that you should have a
trusted Friend that you can vent.
(25:08):
I'm not saying you can nevervent, but you have to know who
you can trust Cuz it does causedamage.
So if you likewise the sametone, If you're at a group
dinner with a bunch of peopleand you say my husband Mostly
yard better I mean our yardlooks better than any home on
(25:29):
the street, or something like Idon't know what he does, That
wins a good one, but well.
I don't do the home, our yard,i'm just saying but if someone
there are a lot of men who doyards I'm just saying, whatever
it is that he does, that justHe'll just walk around like a
peacock you know, struttingaround for a week because, oh,
my wife was proud of me, so justit goes a long ways.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
It does absolutely.
And and I was gonna say thattoo don't speak ill of your
spouse and just remember yourfriends and your family.
They don't have the grace andthe love for your spouse the way
you do and they will always seethem through those eyes and
those glasses.
So I definitely encourage thatand and you can find listen,
we're all about Christiantherapy and counseling.
We got counselors, we.
We have marriage, marriage lifecoaches that help us.
(26:13):
So we're all for that.
But I did want to say to youknow about time really quick,
even back to dates or anythingSpending time with your spouse
every day for five minutes.
You know, it doesn't even haveto be long, like if any not get
to sit down.
Normally we'll have dinner,family dinners, and then we kick
our kids out and we just satthere for 15, 20 minutes and
talk and that is some of myfavorite time of the day.
It's a way we can connectwithout spending money.
(26:36):
But that is so importantbecause it's easy when you're
busy to be two ships passing inthe night and you're never
really Communicating but you'rejust kind of co-parenting and so
encourage you in that and andwe can say well, our kids have
games And they have sports and Idon't time for a day and I
don't have time for whatever.
But it's kind of like peoplesay show me your checkbook and I
will know, you know, i'll knowwhat you care about.
It's the same with your timeshow me where you spend your
(26:57):
time And I'll know where youcare about, and we know.
Whatever we find value in wewill make a priority And if it's
our marriage, then we will findtime for one another.
And I did want to share tooabout love languages.
I think this is huge inmarriage.
So there's a book called thefive love languages.
A lot of people know about it,but it really talks about how we
each feel loved in differentways and early on in marriage
(27:18):
And you know, took the lovelanguage test to find out what
our love languages were.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
And it's so important to know that because generally
The whatever your love languagesis what you give to somebody
all back to the Communicationsthing you're talking about,
because you may be trying totell them you love them with all
your heart, but yeah, if you'renot reaching what she's about
to tell you, they don't fill thelove, so carry on, yeah so it's
kind of like I will say so mylove language is the acts of
(27:44):
service And it's like number one.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
Like some people are like kind of high in a lot of
them.
I like nothing matters to melike acts of service.
And so early on and remember,andy's are romantic And that's
not my love language.
So like if he would buy me agift, like it's nice, don't get
me wrong, but it's not how I see, it's not how I'm shown love.
But if Andy'll wash the dishesor I'll go get my car gasped up
or detailed the car or he'll doanything like that, i feel so
(28:09):
loved because as a mom I getstressed because I have so much
to accomplish, and I feel soloved when he will do those
things, whereas Andy loves you,i mean.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
I think I'm pretty much you can do all five.
Love languages, not, yeah,physical touch do we say that?
one words of information.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
Makes it easy on me, though, because I just gotta do
like I do if she hit 80% of themwork.
We're good.
But knowing your spouse's lovelanguage is so huge and actually
I would say you know I've gottime to go into this, but I
actually love to know my friendslove languages and the people
that I work with, because I wantto make them feel loved and
valued through their lovelanguage.
So that's huge.
(28:55):
And Oh, the last thing I wantto share as we go.
I know you're gonna close out,but I want to encourage.
There's a ministry That's allover the United States.
I was gonna close that so carryon, you can do it Something that
we actually led at our churchwhen, early when our twins are
when baby carriers We went toit's called re-engage, a
(29:16):
marriage ministry.
We went with some friends ofours that wanted to work on
their marriage and we said, hey,we'll go with you to support
you, having no idea the value Wewould get out of it in fact,
such value that we ended upleading at our church for two
years.
But it's all over the UnitedStates and it's not just.
Most people think if we saythis, it's for bad marriages.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
This is All the time in the commercial, whether your
marriage is a one or a nine,like on a scale one to ten or
whatever Like, whether you havethe.
If you are in need of help,they can help you for sure.
Or if you just want a bettermarriage And ours.
We just thought we were goingto support some other friends of
ours at the time But we didn'thave any idea.
(29:57):
We're, we're good, but it kindof you hear the term like fill
a's you wide open.
You hear that a lot This willfill a like your marriage wide
open, all the things that youneed help with.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
So many times we don't know what we don't know,
and so sometimes we don't knowwhat we're missing in marriage
and a lot of times good is goodBut the enemy of great is good,
and I don't want a good marriageon a great marriage And
re-engage.
We've actually attended itprobably four times.
That's how much we love it AndI will tell you, even if you,
it's not at the church you're apart of, re-engage is free And
(30:30):
you do not have to attend thechurch that you go to for the
marriage mystery.
You can find it.
You know the website.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
Yes, i do.
I was gonna say so, go to reengage, re Engageorg,
reengageorg.
So that's the main one which isin the watermark in Dallas.
But if you look on re engageorg, check it out.
There You can put in your zipcode, no matter where you're at
in the US, chances are somebody.
(30:58):
So this church is so cool, theyfor free, and all you have to
do it.
Most of these churches is attendtheir conference and learn how
to do it right, because theywant to make sure you're doing
it from a Biblical standpoint.
And then they pay for the, thebooks, which are like ten bucks
a piece and they will letanybody do that.
So they've been, becausethey're.
Their main goal is helpingmarriages.
(31:18):
There's been a lot of churcheswas like, oh, this is ours, this
is ours, we're not gonna share.
But they were like, yes, yes,let's share.
So this ministry is helping somany people, and not only in the
US but all around the world.
It's so cool that there areplaces outside of the US even
doing this.
So go to re engage or put inyour zip and it can help you.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
And just note too, if you are someone who says, oh,
my spouse won't go We used tohear all the time women who,
would you know, tell us theywanted to go with their spouse
wouldn't go I do want you toknow that the first half of the
ministry you actually can goalone.
There does become a point downthe road that to get in a closed
group your spouse has to bethere.
But I will tell you I can't.
(31:59):
I mean, so many women wouldcome to reengage for that first
hour and listen to thetestimonies and hear the worship
And they would do that over andover and over again.
And I can't tell you how manytimes we watch God show up and
their spouses join them and it Imean it completely changed
their marriage.
So your faithfulness to say,hey, even if you won't go, i
will go, because I know for somemen they think it's weird, i
(32:21):
get it, but once they go they'lllove it.
But you being faithful,hopefully, will encourage them
to join you, so don't wait onthem.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
Something special about hearing testimonies,
because there are going to besome testimonies that were in
dire need of help And then thereare going to be some that were
like oh, we had a pretty goodmarriage, but we just needed to
fine tune some stuff.
So, no matter where you're at,you're going to find someone who
you can relate to and you'regoing to learn from this.
So any any closing thoughts aswe get wrapped this one up.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Just have grace for one another.
This is hard, Mary.
it won't get easy.
I'm going to just tell you thatit will never get easy.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
It will get.
Does That's a red flag?
Yeah, i'm serious, like whenyou quit investing in your
marriage and you quit workinghard, that that means you need a
reengager, you need to talk tosomebody because you need.
Marriage is hard.
It does take work.
It's not if it's easy There issomething wrong.
And I don't mean that means youhave, you don't have, a good
(33:22):
relationship, but it meansyou're probably taking it too
easy if you feel like it's easy.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
And I would say in closing that you know we believe
with every fiber of our beingthat the enemy is here in this
day and age to attack the family, to start with marriages, and
in turn attack our children.
So every morning I spend timeliterally praying over our
marriage and our family, becauseI know that the enemy is coming
(33:47):
to still kill and destroy.
And if he can destroy familiesand he's done it I mean, if we
look in our world, he has doneit and we see the state of our
children today in this cultureAnd we can really directly route
it back to so many marriagesbeing destroyed.
And so the enemy knows.
So many times we say, oh, if Iget divorced, so we better for
my kids.
That is incredibly rare.
(34:07):
I only believe that happenswhen there's physical abuse or
you know very strong things.
So many children are destroyedthrough divorce And please hear
me If you've already been there,we are not here to judge you,
we're not telling you to fix it.
God is such a God ofrestoration and love and he can
change our wrongs.
He's done it for me so manytimes.
But we need to know that we arenot wrestling against flesh and
(34:29):
blood but against theprincipalities of darkness.
The enemy is here to destroyour marriages and we can let it
happen because we allow reallydumb things sometimes, like us
wanting to be right or us notputting each other first or us
not communicating.
We can allow the enemy to winor we can know who we're
fighting against and say that weare committed to one another
(34:52):
for the rest of our lives.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
It's good, and so, with that said, we're going to
wrap this one up.
I thank you so much for joiningus.
I please know everything wassaid would love to help and to
bring hope.
That's what this podcast isabout to bring hope in every
area we can, and marriage is oneof those big staples for Tiff
and I, and for even for the book.
(35:14):
So this, when words don't comeeasy, podcasts will always be
about hope and from time to time, you will hear from somebody on
marriage, because it is thatimportant to us.
So we love you guys.
Thanks for tuning in And, asalways, we will see you next
time.
God bless, wow, all right, weare done.
We are done with the two part20th anniversary podcast.
(35:38):
I hope you had as much fun withthat as we did.
Tiff is such an amazing,amazing partner and just wife.
I just love her so much andalways glad to see you, glad to
do life with her and to dopodcast with her anytime she can
jump on.
So my prayer is that we'll beuplifting for your marriage and
(35:59):
that there is something that youcan take and apply to your
marriage today, wherever you'reat on your journey.
That's what this podcast is allabout bringing hope.
So again, thank you for joiningus.
If you haven't got the book yetit's a book of hope for you When
(36:20):
words don't come easy you canget it at AndyHowardcom.
It's available also on Amazon,audible and Kindle.
And please leave a five starreview.
It helps get the book into morehands and more people seeing it
, and that's what my prayer isthat more people will get a hold
(36:40):
of this book.
So thanks again for taking thetime to listen.
We appreciate you so much.
God bless everybody.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
If this episode helped you inany way, it would mean the world
to me If you would leave areview and share it with
somebody else.
Thanks so much.
I'll catch you next time.
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