September 26, 2023 • 24 mins
Have you ever felt that weight of hopelessness, where darkness seems unending? I want to let you in on my story, a tale of overcoming a personal battle with depression and emerging more joyful on the other side. As I embark on the second year of the 'When Words Don't Come Easy' podcast, join me in this special episode as I share a transformative moment that reshaped my understanding of faith, hope, and the beauty that can be found in the midst of pain. Stick around until the end for a prayer tailored for anyone seeking a glimmer of hope in their own journey.
Follow on Instagram & Facebook: @AndyBHoward
Buy the book on Amazon: www.amazon.com/When-Words-Dont-Come-Easy/dp/1955362084
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Learn more at AndyHoward.com!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, what's up everybody today is going to be.
It's going to be different.
In fact, I don't know that I'veever done this and out of a
whole year, the podcast I don'tthink I shared my personal
testimony.
May have shared bits and piecesof it throughout the year, but
this is my testimony today andit's something I usually share
(00:20):
on others podcast.
But it's my own battle, goingthrough depression and finding
joy on the other side andthere's hope for you and I want
you to stick around to the veryend.
Could I do something that'sdifferent, that I usually don't
do on a podcast, but today Ifelt led to I don't know, just
(00:41):
felt led to pray for you, topray for somebody who is tuning
in to this particular episode.
So if you're in a hard spot inyour life right now maybe
somebody sent you thisparticular episode stick around
to the end and could I have aprayer just for you?
All that more, it happens allright after this.
(01:03):
Welcome back to the when WordsDon't Come Easy podcast.
My name is Andy Howard and thisis a podcast about hope.
(01:27):
It's about hope and it's hardto believe that we are well into
well, not well in.
This is officially the start ofthe second year, year number two
, episode number 53.
Today it's been a year sincethe book came out.
The book came out a year ago,y'all, september the 27th.
(01:49):
It released and, justreflecting for a moment, I am
beyond tickled pink of all thethings it's done, all the people
who have sent amazing texts ofhow the book helped them at a
time in their life when theyneeded it.
All the doors that opened forme to speak at places and see
(02:11):
how God moved in people's lives,and even the podcast of other
podcasts.
I've gotten to share Peyton'sstory, and so it's been a year
and God has been so good andhe's just been so faithful.
He's continued to be faithfulto me throughout all of it and
I'm grateful y'all I'm at aplace of gratitude today of all
(02:34):
the stuff that we've wentthrough and how God has used it
for his good.
He's worked out all things forhis good.
He's used Peyton's story toreach millions.
It's something I talk about inthe book and he's doing it.
It's a prayer that I prayed andI always thought that it was
just how he was going to enter.
(02:56):
That prayer was going to bejust this viral video, like
she's going to come, run in hereand interrupt this podcast
right now.
And for those who don't know,you know she's in a wheelchair
now.
She can't run, she can't walk,she can't talk.
She's never done any of thosethings yet.
But that's how I always thoughther story would be used, that
(03:19):
she's just running here and thevideo would go viral of the
miracle.
But he is using her story forme to help share her story
across the world and literallyseeing millions of people come
to either know Christ or come tofind hope through her story.
(03:42):
I mean, I have gotten to speakat so many places and whether
it's podcast or live on stage,and I am so blessed, so blessed
at how he continues to use eventhe way I didn't expect it to
happen, but he's answering thatprayer.
So, with that said, today Iwanted to reflect back.
(04:03):
I share this a lot on otherpodcasts when I am invited to
speak, but I thought, wow, whydon't I do that here?
Because it's one year, one yearago, that the book came out,
and so I just wanted to kind ofshare that testimony here for
you.
And what you need to know isI'll never forget Tiff and I.
(04:25):
We were at a meeting at thechief neurologist of Dallas
Children's Medical Center.
Chief neurologist, the top guyand he walked in carrying a box
of Kleenexes and he said there'snot an easy way for me to tell
(04:45):
you this your daughter will.
She had just had an MRI and hesaid she's got 10% brain
function.
So she'll never be able to talk, she'll never be able to walk,
she'll never be able to use herhands, like to use her fingers
to pick up a pencil.
(05:06):
If she's lucky she'll be ableto use her arms to give you a
hug, but she'll never be able tosee.
She's legally blind.
She can see shapes and colorsbut, like if you're driving her
down the road, she might see,you know, the brown or the green
of the leaves in the bark, butshe would never see the details
(05:27):
of the bark and the leaves.
It was at that point thateverything just began to fade
into the background.
I heard what reminded me ofCharlie Brown's teacher's voice
and I just want, want, want.
Going on as he continued tomutter some other things and
(05:48):
soon he left the Kleenex's withus and said here, take your time
, but I have to see some otherpatients, but you take your time
here all the time you need.
And he turned and he left, andI still hear the footsteps
echoing as he walked down thehall, and I grabbed Tiffany's
(06:10):
hand, and we both just wanted toget to safe ground as soon as
possible, as all the emotionsbegan to flood, so we were just
wrecked.
We were wrecked, and if you'veever been to Dallas Children's
Medical Center, you know it'ssuch a long hallway to the
(06:32):
parking lot.
We were trying not to make anyeye contact with people.
We were just trying to make itto the car, and as soon as I got
to our car, I called my mom anddad.
They were still living at thetime.
They were the ones I alwaysturned to, and I received bad
news.
I received hurtful news, and Iremember mom answered the phone
(06:55):
and she said oh James, it's Andy, something's wrong, and I
couldn't get a word out.
I called them, and I couldn'tget a word out of them, though,
and they both just began to prayover us, and they began to pray
and they began to intercedeover us, and such a peace just
overwhelmed me.
It just filled the car and Ifound a second wind to get home
(07:21):
and to drive, to compose myself,and it was just such a hard day
.
I won't ever forget it.
But looking back, uh, you know,she's never done, as I've
mentioned, a lot of those thingseven that he mentioned she
would do.
She does require full timenursing care.
(07:42):
Uh, she's.
She's just, she's weak.
She has no muscle tone.
I have to carry her as it's.
It's one of the reasons why Ihave found fitness to be such a
joy in my life, not only for the, for what it does for me
mentally, for the mental clarity, but I have found joy in in
(08:06):
she's the reason why I've turnedmy health around, cause, when I
am 80 years old, I want to beable to carry her.
I know she needs me.
What I didn't know that night isthat it would begin.
So I made this vow that day andI told Tiff.
I remember I remember tellingher and I at the time I thought
(08:30):
this.
Maybe it was a good thing, Idon't know, but it was just.
What I felt was best for me asa dad at the moment was that I
was going to beat down the doorsof heaven every single day till
my daughter received herhealing.
I was going to do that, I wasgoing to pray every single day,
(08:50):
and so I still had about an hourcommute to and from work, and
so in the mornings, I would usethat time to pray for Peyton,
and in the in the afternoons,when I got off work, I would use
that time to pray for Peytonand I thought I was doing a good
thing right.
I mean, it had good motivesbehind it and all the reasons
(09:11):
were good behind it, butsomewhere along the way,
somewhere along the way, thosehonest, sincere prayers turned
into better prayers.
I don't even remember how ithappened, but then, all of a
sudden, it's like these why meprayers like man, god, did you
(09:32):
forget who I am?
Don't you know who I am?
Do you even care about me, likeyou promised you do?
Have you forgot me?
Am I the one Christian that youchose to forsake?
You know his words are I willnever leave you.
I'll never forsake you.
Did you leave me?
(09:55):
That's just where I felt, andit just all this heartache began
to pour out is somewhere alongthe way.
I later found out I wasdepressed for a long season.
I would put my smile on my faceas I would go to church, as I
would even serve as a youthpastor and even has God was
(10:17):
using me to to touch kids livesand to change lives.
Yeah, he wouldn't answer my ownprayers, and it was so hard.
And all the more I saw Tiffanybeing a champion.
She was like what's next for mybaby?
I'm going to get her.
You know, whatever therapy Ican put her in, whatever classes
(10:39):
we can get her in, even as soonas nine months old, she was
already starting these therapysessions at Baylor's, my
children's house.
All these things, I thought.
Man, that made me even feelworse.
Watching her be such a champion, I'm like look at you, you're
supposed to be the dad, you'resupposed to be the strong one.
(11:00):
All these little things I puton myself and I found I was
failing in every area.
And so then, fast forward.
We decided what we needed was achance to take our mind off
things.
We would take this trip.
It would be a vacation, itwould be a beautiful setting, we
would have friends with us.
(11:21):
This would be what would fixthings.
So we took a trip down to GulfShores, alabama, with our dear
friends, and one morning I hadfinally had enough.
I could not.
This was the peak of mydepression.
I could not sleep anymore.
I mean, the food didn't eventaste good, and this is saying
something.
I was a big old boy, right, Ilove food.
(11:44):
Back back in the day, it was300.
I got up to 345 pounds.
I was depressed.
I was trying to cover my painwith food.
That's what I was using.
So this morning, on the verylast day of the week, because I
had spent all week seeing kidspush their dads in a pool, why
(12:06):
would I miss that?
I don't know why, but I thought, wow, that sounds like such a
fun thing.
Look at all these kids pushtheir dad in the pool.
We're seeing kids bury theirdad in the sand on the beach.
We're seeing dads, you know,play, play with a soccer ball or
toss a football around on thebeach, or whatever you name it.
(12:26):
All the things that I thought Iwas missing out on and I was at
the height of my depression.
And so the very last day it'sthe Friday morning, we're
supposed to leave that afternoonand I was miserable, I couldn't
sleep and I tossed and turnedall night and I finally got up.
It was around 430 in the morningand I thought I need to just
(12:50):
get away.
So I thought, for whateverreason, I could take a walk on
the beach.
Maybe the sounds of the wavesare always refreshing or always
nice for me.
Let me just get away.
I don't even know what.
I wasn't praying, I wasn'tseeking God, I was for sure.
So I don't want this to soundlike you know, it was a I don't
(13:16):
know like an act of a holy thing, that I was doing, that I was
seeking the Lord, I wasworshiping it and worshiping my
earbuds and I was praying to God.
No, I was just walking just toget away because I was hurt.
I felt cheated, like I waswronged.
(13:36):
I'll never forget.
I'm walking this beach and therewas a couple, about a hundred
yards ahead of me and I couldn'teven tell what they were doing.
They were so far ahead of me atthe time.
They had flashlights and I knewthey were stopping every once
in a while and doing something,but I couldn't tell they were.
(14:00):
What was it?
Was it even fishing or werethey looking at certain types of
fish?
And then I realized every oncein a while they would stop and
pick up something, once whilethey would keep it, then Once
while they would throw it down.
And as I got there, as I got towhere they were, I realized
(14:21):
what they were doing.
They were keeping.
They were collecting seashellsand they were keeping the whole
and perfect shells, but thenthey would throw away the broken
ones.
And it was that moment I pickedup one of the broken shells.
(14:43):
It was at that very moment thatI felt God whisper to me there's
beauty in the broken, there'sbeauty in the broken is like
this damn of all this pent upfrustration and hurt and
depression, just broke, man, itjust broke and these tears just
(15:05):
started flowing from my eyes andI couldn't stop.
Couldn't stop it.
I looked like a mad man andwhat I did?
I just don't want my shirt upover and I started collecting
all the broken seashells, like Ididn't want the whole ones, I
wanted the broken ones, and Icollected hundreds of them that
we still have today.
That's still in Peyton's room,and as I collected them I don't
(15:32):
even know how far I walked,miles I just felt this
overwhelming peace.
It was a piece that passes onunderstanding that the Bible
describes, and it's at thatmoment I knew everything was
going to be okay and I'm glad itwas dark.
(15:52):
I'm glad I was out there early,because, if I'm sure, if people
saw me, just this mancollecting broken seashells,
crying like a mad man.
I probably would have gotarrested or something.
I would have wondered what wasgoing on.
But I went back to the condowhere we were staying and I told
our friends and I told Tiff soI can be okay, and that was the
(16:18):
beginning of my healing.
The truth is, we're all jackedup, man.
We're all broken people.
That's what it reminds me.
There is beauty in the broken.
We all have some kind of broken.
Your broken may not be the sameas my broken, but you're
dealing with something today.
(16:38):
You stumbled upon this podcasttoday, not by accident, but so
that I could tell you right nowthat there is hope.
There is hope for you.
There is beauty in the broken.
No matter what you're facingtoday, god can use it for good.
See what's crazy, and this iswhat I'm in with here.
(17:04):
I remember I getting a textmight have been an email,
believe it was a text and anemail from Jackie, a good friend
of ours who is a pastor, andher and her husband Lee their
pastors and during their worshipexperience at that at that
service.
She said she had a vision andshe tried to write it down.
(17:27):
This is where the email partcomes in, because she tried to
write it down as fast as shecould.
She didn't want to forgetnothing.
And this is just the gist ofeverything that I remember, just
what she sent me, and it saysthat she saw Peyton laying in
her room and she said does shehave a hospital bed?
She's never been insidePeyton's room.
(17:48):
She's never.
They're actually from Virginia,so they've never been inside
her room here in Texas.
And we were like, yes, so shedoes have a hospital bed.
And she said, well, I saw herlaying back in her hospital bed,
but I saw like her spiritleaning up, like sitting forward
(18:12):
at the front of the bed, like,with lack of better words, like
crisscross applesauce.
And then she saw at the foot ofthe bed.
She realized why she wassitting up, leaning up.
She saw it, jesus, sittingthere with Peyton.
And she said I could tell theywere quite pals, they were quite
close, and I don't know whatthey were playing.
(18:32):
It didn't even matter anymore,cause I saw Jesus there but they
were playing some kind of game,could have been checkers or
chess.
She said I didn't focus on that,but what I can tell you all
this time I thought of all thethings that I thought Peyton was
missing out on All the nevertaking her first step, never,
(18:54):
never saying her first word,never beginning to walk her down
the aisle of her wedding.
Why I all the tea parties thatwe were missing out on all the
things I thought she was beingcheated, god, she was being
cheated on.
What I didn't know, it's thatthe God of all creation, the
savior of the world, had takentime to sit at her bedside.
(19:19):
All this time I've been missingout on it, and if I could have
only knew.
I thought of all the thingsthat Peyton is missing out on
when she's like oh my poor daddy, my poor daddy, if he only knew
the life I have and all thethings he's missing out on by
missing this one on one timelike I get with you, jesus.
(19:42):
How cool is that?
I do know one day that I'll seeher take her first steps.
I do know one day I'll hear hersay her first word.
And how cool will it be if herfirst words are Jesus.
It's a totally new perspective.
I've come a long way.
(20:03):
It didn't happen overnight, butGod's been faithful through the
whole journey and he's faithfulfor you.
Whatever you're going throughright now, I just want you to
know there is hope.
There is hope for you.
In fact, I don't do this a lotnot on a podcast but I fell ed
(20:24):
to pray for you, so I justwanted to pray a simple prayer
for you, and if you're, maybeyou're new to faith or nothing
weird's happening here, it's.
I just wanted to pray a simpleprayer of you, so Just know that
there's hope in.
I just fell out to do this.
So, lord, I just asked rightnow, in the name of Jesus,
(20:46):
whoever may have just now tunedin, whether it was on purpose or
accident, or maybe someone sentthis episode to them and
they're in need of hope.
So Now they're in need of apiece that passes all
understanding.
I pray right now that you wouldwrap your loving arms around
(21:09):
them, that you would give themthe greatest hug of all time.
You would let them feel thepeace, like I said earlier, god,
the peace that passes allunderstanding.
Your touch, jesus.
Let them know that they're notmissing out on anything, that
your ways and your thoughts andyour ways are higher than ours.
(21:31):
You see the big picture and youunderstand everything that's
going on in their life and, lord, whatever their need is, father
, if you would just touch themwhere they're at right now and
let them experience you likenever before, because, lord,
your word is that you promisethis.
You would never leave us, younever forsake us.
(21:51):
Just like with Peyton.
You're sitting at her pitside.
God, you're with us too, and Ithank you for that.
Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for your goodness,
and I pray you just continue totouch them and, as they grow in
their relationship with you,father, that the more they seek
(22:12):
you, the more they find you.
In Jesus' name, we pray Amen.
Well, I hope this is just partof my story.
It's been a year since the bookcame out.
If you'd like to learn more,man, there's so much more to it.
It's just the tip of theiceberg, but I hope it's been a
blessing to you.
(22:33):
If it's helped you, pleaseshare this episode with somebody
else.
That's what it's about.
I'd be honored if you would.
Thanks so much, and God blessyou, man.
I hope that was good for you.
I hope that helped you.
That's why I do it.
That's why I share my story.
That's why I'm vulnerable aboutsome things that are not easy
(22:55):
to talk about.
It's for hope and to helpuplift you and make your life
better.
I'm not some expert that hasfigured it out and has
everything all together.
I'm just a dude that's beenthrough the trenches with you
through depression and throughheartache and through going
through hard times in life, so Ihope it helps you.
(23:19):
If you haven't heard my wholestory, feel free to grab the
book at AndyHowardcom when wordsdon't come easy.
As the title it's alsoavailable on Amazon.
I'll even read it for you onAudible or you can get it as
well on Kindle.
I pray it's a blessing to youand I pray it helps others.
If you can be so kind to giveme a five-star review, it will
(23:43):
help others learn more about thebook and the podcast.
So I would be honored if youwould do that.
But please share this episodewith a friend so that we can
help others hear more about thegoodness of God.
Thank you so much for your time.
God bless friends.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
If this episode helped you inany way, it would mean the world
(24:04):
to me if you would leave areview and share it with
somebody else.
Thanks so much.
See you next time.
Hey, what's up everybody today is going to be.
It's going to be different.
In fact, I don't know that I'veever done this and out of a
whole year, the podcast I don'tthink I shared my personal
testimony.
May have shared bits and piecesof it throughout the year, but
this is my testimony today andit's something I usually share
(00:20):
on others podcast.
But it's my own battle, goingthrough depression and finding
joy on the other side andthere's hope for you and I want
you to stick around to the veryend.
Could I do something that'sdifferent, that I usually don't
do on a podcast, but today Ifelt led to I don't know, just
(00:41):
felt led to pray for you, topray for somebody who is tuning
in to this particular episode.
So if you're in a hard spot inyour life right now maybe
somebody sent you thisparticular episode stick around
to the end and could I have aprayer just for you?
All that more, it happens allright after this.
(01:03):
Welcome back to the when WordsDon't Come Easy podcast.
My name is Andy Howard and thisis a podcast about hope.
(01:27):
It's about hope and it's hardto believe that we are well into
well, not well in.
This is officially the start ofthe second year, year number two
, episode number 53.
Today it's been a year sincethe book came out.
The book came out a year ago,y'all, september the 27th.
(01:49):
It released and, justreflecting for a moment, I am
beyond tickled pink of all thethings it's done, all the people
who have sent amazing texts ofhow the book helped them at a
time in their life when theyneeded it.
All the doors that opened forme to speak at places and see
(02:11):
how God moved in people's lives,and even the podcast of other
podcasts.
I've gotten to share Peyton'sstory, and so it's been a year
and God has been so good andhe's just been so faithful.
He's continued to be faithfulto me throughout all of it and
I'm grateful y'all I'm at aplace of gratitude today of all
(02:34):
the stuff that we've wentthrough and how God has used it
for his good.
He's worked out all things forhis good.
He's used Peyton's story toreach millions.
It's something I talk about inthe book and he's doing it.
It's a prayer that I prayed andI always thought that it was
just how he was going to enter.
(02:56):
That prayer was going to bejust this viral video, like
she's going to come, run in hereand interrupt this podcast
right now.
And for those who don't know,you know she's in a wheelchair
now.
She can't run, she can't walk,she can't talk.
She's never done any of thosethings yet.
But that's how I always thoughther story would be used, that
(03:19):
she's just running here and thevideo would go viral of the
miracle.
But he is using her story forme to help share her story
across the world and literallyseeing millions of people come
to either know Christ or come tofind hope through her story.
(03:42):
I mean, I have gotten to speakat so many places and whether
it's podcast or live on stage,and I am so blessed, so blessed
at how he continues to use eventhe way I didn't expect it to
happen, but he's answering thatprayer.
So, with that said, today Iwanted to reflect back.
(04:03):
I share this a lot on otherpodcasts when I am invited to
speak, but I thought, wow, whydon't I do that here?
Because it's one year, one yearago, that the book came out,
and so I just wanted to kind ofshare that testimony here for
you.
And what you need to know isI'll never forget Tiff and I.
(04:25):
We were at a meeting at thechief neurologist of Dallas
Children's Medical Center.
Chief neurologist, the top guyand he walked in carrying a box
of Kleenexes and he said there'snot an easy way for me to tell
(04:45):
you this your daughter will.
She had just had an MRI and hesaid she's got 10% brain
function.
So she'll never be able to talk, she'll never be able to walk,
she'll never be able to use herhands, like to use her fingers
to pick up a pencil.
(05:06):
If she's lucky she'll be ableto use her arms to give you a
hug, but she'll never be able tosee.
She's legally blind.
She can see shapes and colorsbut, like if you're driving her
down the road, she might see,you know, the brown or the green
of the leaves in the bark, butshe would never see the details
(05:27):
of the bark and the leaves.
It was at that point thateverything just began to fade
into the background.
I heard what reminded me ofCharlie Brown's teacher's voice
and I just want, want, want.
Going on as he continued tomutter some other things and
(05:48):
soon he left the Kleenex's withus and said here, take your time
, but I have to see some otherpatients, but you take your time
here all the time you need.
And he turned and he left, andI still hear the footsteps
echoing as he walked down thehall, and I grabbed Tiffany's
(06:10):
hand, and we both just wanted toget to safe ground as soon as
possible, as all the emotionsbegan to flood, so we were just
wrecked.
We were wrecked, and if you'veever been to Dallas Children's
Medical Center, you know it'ssuch a long hallway to the
(06:32):
parking lot.
We were trying not to make anyeye contact with people.
We were just trying to make itto the car, and as soon as I got
to our car, I called my mom anddad.
They were still living at thetime.
They were the ones I alwaysturned to, and I received bad
news.
I received hurtful news, and Iremember mom answered the phone
(06:55):
and she said oh James, it's Andy, something's wrong, and I
couldn't get a word out.
I called them, and I couldn'tget a word out of them, though,
and they both just began to prayover us, and they began to pray
and they began to intercedeover us, and such a peace just
overwhelmed me.
It just filled the car and Ifound a second wind to get home
(07:21):
and to drive, to compose myself,and it was just such a hard day
.
I won't ever forget it.
But looking back, uh, you know,she's never done, as I've
mentioned, a lot of those thingseven that he mentioned she
would do.
She does require full timenursing care.
(07:42):
Uh, she's.
She's just, she's weak.
She has no muscle tone.
I have to carry her as it's.
It's one of the reasons why Ihave found fitness to be such a
joy in my life, not only for the, for what it does for me
mentally, for the mental clarity, but I have found joy in in
(08:06):
she's the reason why I've turnedmy health around, cause, when I
am 80 years old, I want to beable to carry her.
I know she needs me.
What I didn't know that night isthat it would begin.
So I made this vow that day andI told Tiff.
I remember I remember tellingher and I at the time I thought
(08:30):
this.
Maybe it was a good thing, Idon't know, but it was just.
What I felt was best for me asa dad at the moment was that I
was going to beat down the doorsof heaven every single day till
my daughter received herhealing.
I was going to do that, I wasgoing to pray every single day,
(08:50):
and so I still had about an hourcommute to and from work, and
so in the mornings, I would usethat time to pray for Peyton,
and in the in the afternoons,when I got off work, I would use
that time to pray for Peytonand I thought I was doing a good
thing right.
I mean, it had good motivesbehind it and all the reasons
(09:11):
were good behind it, butsomewhere along the way,
somewhere along the way, thosehonest, sincere prayers turned
into better prayers.
I don't even remember how ithappened, but then, all of a
sudden, it's like these why meprayers like man, god, did you
(09:32):
forget who I am?
Don't you know who I am?
Do you even care about me, likeyou promised you do?
Have you forgot me?
Am I the one Christian that youchose to forsake?
You know his words are I willnever leave you.
I'll never forsake you.
Did you leave me?
(09:55):
That's just where I felt, andit just all this heartache began
to pour out is somewhere alongthe way.
I later found out I wasdepressed for a long season.
I would put my smile on my faceas I would go to church, as I
would even serve as a youthpastor and even has God was
(10:17):
using me to to touch kids livesand to change lives.
Yeah, he wouldn't answer my ownprayers, and it was so hard.
And all the more I saw Tiffanybeing a champion.
She was like what's next for mybaby?
I'm going to get her.
You know, whatever therapy Ican put her in, whatever classes
(10:39):
we can get her in, even as soonas nine months old, she was
already starting these therapysessions at Baylor's, my
children's house.
All these things, I thought.
Man, that made me even feelworse.
Watching her be such a champion, I'm like look at you, you're
supposed to be the dad, you'resupposed to be the strong one.
(11:00):
All these little things I puton myself and I found I was
failing in every area.
And so then, fast forward.
We decided what we needed was achance to take our mind off
things.
We would take this trip.
It would be a vacation, itwould be a beautiful setting, we
would have friends with us.
(11:21):
This would be what would fixthings.
So we took a trip down to GulfShores, alabama, with our dear
friends, and one morning I hadfinally had enough.
I could not.
This was the peak of mydepression.
I could not sleep anymore.
I mean, the food didn't eventaste good, and this is saying
something.
I was a big old boy, right, Ilove food.
(11:44):
Back back in the day, it was300.
I got up to 345 pounds.
I was depressed.
I was trying to cover my painwith food.
That's what I was using.
So this morning, on the verylast day of the week, because I
had spent all week seeing kidspush their dads in a pool, why
(12:06):
would I miss that?
I don't know why, but I thought, wow, that sounds like such a
fun thing.
Look at all these kids pushtheir dad in the pool.
We're seeing kids bury theirdad in the sand on the beach.
We're seeing dads, you know,play, play with a soccer ball or
toss a football around on thebeach, or whatever you name it.
(12:26):
All the things that I thought Iwas missing out on and I was at
the height of my depression.
And so the very last day it'sthe Friday morning, we're
supposed to leave that afternoonand I was miserable, I couldn't
sleep and I tossed and turnedall night and I finally got up.
It was around 430 in the morningand I thought I need to just
(12:50):
get away.
So I thought, for whateverreason, I could take a walk on
the beach.
Maybe the sounds of the wavesare always refreshing or always
nice for me.
Let me just get away.
I don't even know what.
I wasn't praying, I wasn'tseeking God, I was for sure.
So I don't want this to soundlike you know, it was a I don't
(13:16):
know like an act of a holy thing, that I was doing, that I was
seeking the Lord, I wasworshiping it and worshiping my
earbuds and I was praying to God.
No, I was just walking just toget away because I was hurt.
I felt cheated, like I waswronged.
(13:36):
I'll never forget.
I'm walking this beach and therewas a couple, about a hundred
yards ahead of me and I couldn'teven tell what they were doing.
They were so far ahead of me atthe time.
They had flashlights and I knewthey were stopping every once
in a while and doing something,but I couldn't tell they were.
(14:00):
What was it?
Was it even fishing or werethey looking at certain types of
fish?
And then I realized every oncein a while they would stop and
pick up something, once whilethey would keep it, then Once
while they would throw it down.
And as I got there, as I got towhere they were, I realized
(14:21):
what they were doing.
They were keeping.
They were collecting seashellsand they were keeping the whole
and perfect shells, but thenthey would throw away the broken
ones.
And it was that moment I pickedup one of the broken shells.
(14:43):
It was at that very moment thatI felt God whisper to me there's
beauty in the broken, there'sbeauty in the broken is like
this damn of all this pent upfrustration and hurt and
depression, just broke, man, itjust broke and these tears just
(15:05):
started flowing from my eyes andI couldn't stop.
Couldn't stop it.
I looked like a mad man andwhat I did?
I just don't want my shirt upover and I started collecting
all the broken seashells, like Ididn't want the whole ones, I
wanted the broken ones, and Icollected hundreds of them that
we still have today.
That's still in Peyton's room,and as I collected them I don't
(15:32):
even know how far I walked,miles I just felt this
overwhelming peace.
It was a piece that passes onunderstanding that the Bible
describes, and it's at thatmoment I knew everything was
going to be okay and I'm glad itwas dark.
(15:52):
I'm glad I was out there early,because, if I'm sure, if people
saw me, just this mancollecting broken seashells,
crying like a mad man.
I probably would have gotarrested or something.
I would have wondered what wasgoing on.
But I went back to the condowhere we were staying and I told
our friends and I told Tiff soI can be okay, and that was the
(16:18):
beginning of my healing.
The truth is, we're all jackedup, man.
We're all broken people.
That's what it reminds me.
There is beauty in the broken.
We all have some kind of broken.
Your broken may not be the sameas my broken, but you're
dealing with something today.
(16:38):
You stumbled upon this podcasttoday, not by accident, but so
that I could tell you right nowthat there is hope.
There is hope for you.
There is beauty in the broken.
No matter what you're facingtoday, god can use it for good.
See what's crazy, and this iswhat I'm in with here.
(17:04):
I remember I getting a textmight have been an email,
believe it was a text and anemail from Jackie, a good friend
of ours who is a pastor, andher and her husband Lee their
pastors and during their worshipexperience at that at that
service.
She said she had a vision andshe tried to write it down.
(17:27):
This is where the email partcomes in, because she tried to
write it down as fast as shecould.
She didn't want to forgetnothing.
And this is just the gist ofeverything that I remember, just
what she sent me, and it saysthat she saw Peyton laying in
her room and she said does shehave a hospital bed?
She's never been insidePeyton's room.
(17:48):
She's never.
They're actually from Virginia,so they've never been inside
her room here in Texas.
And we were like, yes, so shedoes have a hospital bed.
And she said, well, I saw herlaying back in her hospital bed,
but I saw like her spiritleaning up, like sitting forward
(18:12):
at the front of the bed, like,with lack of better words, like
crisscross applesauce.
And then she saw at the foot ofthe bed.
She realized why she wassitting up, leaning up.
She saw it, jesus, sittingthere with Peyton.
And she said I could tell theywere quite pals, they were quite
close, and I don't know whatthey were playing.
(18:32):
It didn't even matter anymore,cause I saw Jesus there but they
were playing some kind of game,could have been checkers or
chess.
She said I didn't focus on that,but what I can tell you all
this time I thought of all thethings that I thought Peyton was
missing out on All the nevertaking her first step, never,
(18:54):
never saying her first word,never beginning to walk her down
the aisle of her wedding.
Why I all the tea parties thatwe were missing out on all the
things I thought she was beingcheated, god, she was being
cheated on.
What I didn't know, it's thatthe God of all creation, the
savior of the world, had takentime to sit at her bedside.
(19:19):
All this time I've been missingout on it, and if I could have
only knew.
I thought of all the thingsthat Peyton is missing out on
when she's like oh my poor daddy, my poor daddy, if he only knew
the life I have and all thethings he's missing out on by
missing this one on one timelike I get with you, jesus.
(19:42):
How cool is that?
I do know one day that I'll seeher take her first steps.
I do know one day I'll hear hersay her first word.
And how cool will it be if herfirst words are Jesus.
It's a totally new perspective.
I've come a long way.
(20:03):
It didn't happen overnight, butGod's been faithful through the
whole journey and he's faithfulfor you.
Whatever you're going throughright now, I just want you to
know there is hope.
There is hope for you.
In fact, I don't do this a lotnot on a podcast but I fell ed
(20:24):
to pray for you, so I justwanted to pray a simple prayer
for you, and if you're, maybeyou're new to faith or nothing
weird's happening here, it's.
I just wanted to pray a simpleprayer of you, so Just know that
there's hope in.
I just fell out to do this.
So, lord, I just asked rightnow, in the name of Jesus,
(20:46):
whoever may have just now tunedin, whether it was on purpose or
accident, or maybe someone sentthis episode to them and
they're in need of hope.
So Now they're in need of apiece that passes all
understanding.
I pray right now that you wouldwrap your loving arms around
(21:09):
them, that you would give themthe greatest hug of all time.
You would let them feel thepeace, like I said earlier, god,
the peace that passes allunderstanding.
Your touch, jesus.
Let them know that they're notmissing out on anything, that
your ways and your thoughts andyour ways are higher than ours.
(21:31):
You see the big picture and youunderstand everything that's
going on in their life and, lord, whatever their need is, father
, if you would just touch themwhere they're at right now and
let them experience you likenever before, because, lord,
your word is that you promisethis.
You would never leave us, younever forsake us.
(21:51):
Just like with Peyton.
You're sitting at her pitside.
God, you're with us too, and Ithank you for that.
Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for your goodness,
and I pray you just continue totouch them and, as they grow in
their relationship with you,father, that the more they seek
(22:12):
you, the more they find you.
In Jesus' name, we pray Amen.
Well, I hope this is just partof my story.
It's been a year since the bookcame out.
If you'd like to learn more,man, there's so much more to it.
It's just the tip of theiceberg, but I hope it's been a
blessing to you.
(22:33):
If it's helped you, pleaseshare this episode with somebody
else.
That's what it's about.
I'd be honored if you would.
Thanks so much, and God blessyou, man.
I hope that was good for you.
I hope that helped you.
That's why I do it.
That's why I share my story.
That's why I'm vulnerable aboutsome things that are not easy
(22:55):
to talk about.
It's for hope and to helpuplift you and make your life
better.
I'm not some expert that hasfigured it out and has
everything all together.
I'm just a dude that's beenthrough the trenches with you
through depression and throughheartache and through going
through hard times in life, so Ihope it helps you.
(23:19):
If you haven't heard my wholestory, feel free to grab the
book at AndyHowardcom when wordsdon't come easy.
As the title it's alsoavailable on Amazon.
I'll even read it for you onAudible or you can get it as
well on Kindle.
I pray it's a blessing to youand I pray it helps others.
If you can be so kind to giveme a five-star review, it will
(23:43):
help others learn more about thebook and the podcast.
So I would be honored if youwould do that.
But please share this episodewith a friend so that we can
help others hear more about thegoodness of God.
Thank you so much for your time.
God bless friends.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
If this episode helped you inany way, it would mean the world
(24:04):
to me if you would leave areview and share it with
somebody else.
Thanks so much.
See you next time.
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