April 19, 2025 • 32 mins
The leap from adolescence to adulthood is tricky — and too often, young people find themselves unprepared for the real world. In this episode of theWhere Parents Talk podcast, host Lianne Castelino welcomes Rob Finlay — entrepreneur, author of Hey Dad: Everything You Should Have Learned About Life and Didn’t, and father of four — to discuss what it really takes to raise resilient, capable young adults today.
Finlay pulls back the curtain on his own parenting journey, sharing lessons learned, missteps made, and the pivotal skills kids aren't being taught — from handling emergencies and managing finances to navigating relationships and finding their footing in an uncertain job market.
With a mix of personal anecdotes, sharp insights, and a refreshing dose of humor, he offers parents a roadmap to help their children build confidence, independence, and emotional strength.
The discussion tackles the new challenges facing today’s youth — from the impact of social media to the false promise of a ‘magic carpet ride’ childhood — and explore why it's more important than ever to let kids face real-world struggles before they leave home. Thought-provoking, practical, and inspiring, this episode will leave you rethinking how to best prepare your children for the life ahead.
Takeaways:
- Navigating the complexities of adolescence requires parents to balance discipline with independence, fostering resilience in their children.
- Communication about emotional health and consent in relationships is crucial for the mental well-being of today's youth.
- With the pervasive influence of social media, teaching kids about device usage and its impact on their social interactions is essential.
- Parents often shelter their children too much, which can hinder their ability to face real-world challenges and learn from mistakes.
- Understanding hormonal changes during adolescence can help parents provide better support for their children's physical and emotional health.
- Encouraging kids to engage in conversations with adults can boost their confidence and prepare them for future networking opportunities.
Links referenced in this episode:
This podcast is for parents, guardians, teachers and caregivers to learn proven strategies and trusted tips on raising kids, teens and young adults based on science, evidenced and lived experience.
You’ll learn the latest on topics like managing bullying, consent, fostering healthy relationships, and the interconnectedness of mental, emotional and physical health.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:05):
Welcome to the Where ParentsTalk podcast. We help grow better
parents through science.
Evidence and the livedexperience of other parents.
Learn how to better navigatethe mental.
And physical health of yourtween teen.
Or young adult through provenexpert advice.
Here's your host, Leanne Castellino.
What, if anything, can parentsdo to simplify the learning curve
(00:29):
for adolescents as they moveinto adulthood? Welcome to Where
Parents Talk. My name isLianne Castelino. Our guest today
is an accomplishedentrepreneur in the real estate industry.
Rob Finlay is also a bestselling author and father of four.
His first parenting theme bookis called hey dad, everything you
should have learned about lifeand didn't. Rob joins us today from
(00:53):
Charlotte North Carolina.Thank you so much for taking the
time.
Well, thanks for having metoday, Leanne.
Really interesting topicbecause we seem to be hearing more
and more about it fordifferent reasons in the world we
live in today. Let me start,Rob, by asking you why did you feel
that there was a need for thistype of book on this theme?
(01:15):
I think it comes really frommy experience with my own kids and
I like to think about adultingor for our young kids as you know.
Have you ever been to theairport and you see these, these,
I call them the magic carpets,right, where it's, it's like a, it's
like a walkway, but it movesand, and everything. You just stand
on it and you go down the,down the concourse. I feel like our
(01:38):
kids are sort of like on that,that, you know, magic carpet ride
where they're out there andthey're like, you know, what if I
go to first grade, secondgrade, third grade, everything is
sort of programmed for them.Then all of a sudden this stops.
They either graduate from highschool, graduate from college, but
all of this sort of, this,this where they go and what they
(01:59):
do has stopped and now they'resort of put in this part of where,
okay, now you have to grow upand be an adult. And as much as we've
tried to do for them asthey've been growing up, they might
not have been equipped withall of the skills that are required
for them to be successfuladults. And so I really thought,
it's just, it was a, there wasa lot of stories behind it and what
(02:20):
the actual prompting of it wasa situation I had with one of my
daughters. But in reality was,it's generally for all young adults
who are in this transitionalperiod, it gives them the fundamentals
of being an adult.
So it begs the question, Rob,like, you know, certain generations,
let's talk about ours, forexample, didn't have a guide. We
(02:42):
didn't have a lot of maybeguidance from our parents, just in
general. We had to figure itout on our own. So what has changed
to the point that this currentgeneration could use and need a book
like the one that you've produced.
But I think, you know, I don'tknow about you and your other listeners,
but so for me, when I wasgrowing up, I had to do chores, I
(03:03):
had to do things, I had to mowthe yard, I had to work on things
that. When my dad was workingon the car, I was helping with the
car. And my parents were verygood about getting me involved in
being with adults. I think asI was an adult and I started my time
with my kids, I spent moretime sort of taking care of them
(03:25):
than necessarily teaching themthe things that they need to know.
So, for example, like, I don'tchange my oil in my car anymore.
I go down to a Jiffy Lube or,you know, a AAA service station,
and it gets done for me.Everything I try to do is for my
kids, my daughters, forexample. I try to do everything I
can for them, right? If. Andthey know, hey, dad, I've got a.
(03:46):
My. My tire pressure on my caris, has gone down. There's the light
on my car. Can you go takecare of it? Sure, sweetheart, of
course I will. And so I thinkas, as, as. As an adult, at least
for me, I've tried so hard tosort of take my kids and protect
them and, and as opposed totrying to teach them and let them
get on their own. I also thinktoo, it's, you know, it is a different
(04:08):
generation and these thingsare changing. Don't forget, we are
in these monumental shifts,right? A lot of these kids are dealing
with things that, that. I hadan economy issue when I was, When
I was graduating. I was at atime where the economy was in a bad
shape. Now you have youngadults who are going to have a difficult
time getting jobs because ofAI and other things. I also learned
(04:33):
early on that I have to beadaptable, right? I have to be able
to adapt. Just because Igraduated with a finance major does
not mean that my first job hasto be a financ. And I can't live
with if I don't get that. So Ithink it's just a different time,
a different perspective.
It's interesting that you talkabout having actively protected your
(04:53):
children as they grew up. Isthat something that you were aware
of while it was going on? Andif not, like what, when you sat down
to write this book, did youbecome more attuned to that and sort
of looking back on that?
Well, exactly. And I thinkthat really the key launch for this,
like the, the aha moment forthis book actually happened late
(05:16):
at night and I was laying abit, I was actually asleep. And,
and you know, for, for amiddle aged guy, it's a wonderful
thing. Like if you're sleepingin the middle of the night, it's
wonderful. But I get thatthing that every parent dreads. It's
the phone call. Phone call atthe middle of the night is always
something that is reallyscary. And so I grab my phone, I
(05:38):
see it's one of my daughtersand I'm freaking out, my heart rate's
pounding. Phone, what's wrong?Like, that's my first immediate thing.
And on the other side, she'slike, hey dad, can I put the green
gas in my Jeep? I was like,what am I? Green gas in your cheap.
What are you talking about?And then finally I came up to sort
of, you know, she was almostfrustrated by my response of like,
(06:00):
what are you talking about?She's like, I'm at a gas station,
can I put the green gas in myjeep? Well, the green gas was diesel
and her jeep is a gasolineengine, so clearly she cannot. And,
and so at that point Irealized that maybe I hadn't taught
them the things that I thoughtI had. And yes, that sheltering was
(06:21):
in fact what I hear now.Every, every time I get a hey dad
question, a hey dad text, ahey dad call, a hey dad anything,
it's because of maybe I spentmore time sheltering or even I was,
as you mentioned, I was anentrepreneur. I spent so much time
when my kids were young, Ispent an incredible amount of time
on the road trying to grow andrun the business. And so I'm sure
(06:44):
there's a lot of guilt thatcomes into that. Right? I wasn't
always there for them. And somaybe I didn't teach them all the
things, maybe I didn't showthem how to get an apartment or what
to do to get a job I thought Ihad, but maybe I didn't. And so this
is covering my basis. And thebook is really fundamental. And it's
important to note too, thebook isn't just me writing my stories.
I actually went out andinterviewed 30 experts in all things
(07:09):
adulting. Everything fromtaxes, banking, investments, even
to stuff like how often youshould clean your house or your,
or your sheets. Those arethings. And I got those experts to
really just give me a non sortof pushing, but more of just an enjoyable
read and how to foundational book.
(07:30):
So there's a lot to unpackthere. But I did want to go back
because I did read your bookand I recall that example that you
provided with that phone callat 1:00 from your daughter. And you
know, you described it asfeeling like you failed.
Yes.
Which is a very largeadmission for any of us to make on
anything. But I wonder likehow much of that ended up being the
(07:53):
impetus to first recognizethat maybe, you know, there was,
you know, failure involved oryou know, there was a shortcoming
there that then spurred you tosay, you know what? I am going to
take action and the actionhere is going to be a book.
Yeah. So look, I think everyparent parenting is a tough job and
we all know it. I mean it's,it's a brutal, brutal, brutal. Wonderful
(08:16):
but brutal job. And I thinkevery parent, I even hear from my
mom, she's like, oh, I, Ireally didn't do a good job with
you and your brother. And youknow, my brother's a successful businessman,
he's got kids. I've, I've beenfairly successful. I've got kids
like, like mom, what do you.Where's your, where's your, where's
your bar if you feel like youfailed? Like, it's really hard. And
(08:38):
I think by admitting myfailure, it is. Look, we're never
going to be perfect, Right.Parents are going to mess up, we
screw up. And I think the onething that I probably doing this
book realize that maybe I putway too much on myself, that maybe
I didn't fail. And I didn'tfail because quite frankly, the high,
(09:00):
the bar that I like to set andI tell other adults is our parents
is that bar should really justbe, did you create a good human?
That's it. Set that as yourbar. You're not going to have, you
know, not everybody's going tobe the, the star quarterback in the
football team or thepolitician or the, or the big businessman
(09:21):
or whatever they are. As longas they're a good human, you've done
your job as an adult. Lifewill teach them all the rest, you
know, as long as you've giventhem the foundation to be a good
human and to learn and to havesome, some des to achieve.
So it's interesting, I onceinterviewed an expert who said, you
know, if you think about it,everything we do as parents is with
(09:44):
a view to prepare our kids forindependence. Right. And I thought
it was very. A profound andpowerful statement because I never
thought about it like thatbefore. Including toilet training,
teaching them how to feedthemselves, on and on and on. You
know, down the line. When youlook back on it in terms of sort
of focusing and researchingand writing this book, is there anything
(10:09):
you wish you had donedifferently in your parenting?
I see. I think once again,that's sort of a loaded question,
right? Obviously, there'sthings I wish I did differently.
I wish I spent more time withmy kids. I wish I tried to force
them into these learningexperiences as opposed to last minute
or making sure that they didit or giving them some more independence.
(10:33):
I really think that as, as ourkids grow and develop, I think we're
doing more of a disserviceright now by not pushing them out
to be adults. I, I thinkthat's one of the things where I,
I think I. I wanted them to beso comfortable that maybe, hey, stay
with me. You just graduated.You don't really know what you're
doing. Come stay with me. It'sokay. Save up money. I'll take care
(10:56):
of it. Don't worry about.Just, Just find yourself and be one
and happy. That, I think, is,is while it's. You're doing it because
you feel like you, you need todo it and you want to do it, that's
a mistake that I felt like,you know what? I just prevented my
kid from adulting and growingand being successful by keeping them
at home and sheltering themfrom the things that they're going
(11:18):
to learn or the things thatthey're going to need to learn on
their own. And I think that'sthe foundation for, for adulting,
is that adulting is really.And it's, it's a nonstop. Here. I'm
still learning to be an adulttoday. It's about building these
foundations and constantlylearning and evolving, understanding
that failure is okay, just getup, do it again, learn how to make
(11:42):
friends, learn how to network,how these things are going to be
important in your life. Andthat's really what it's all about.
So on that note, the book heydad is billed as a practical guide.
And it's filled with all kindsof key topics that you tackle directly,
including, as you mentioned,getting a job, starting a business,
handling money, moving out, etcetera, et cetera. How did you go
about drilling down to thesekey themes? Because literally there
(12:06):
are, you know, thousands ofthemes we could get into. But to
isolate them down andsummarize that into those themes,
how did you go about that?
It's because I'm simple mindedmyself, right? It's like, okay, you
get out of school, go get ajob. I don't care what it is, right?
And these are the firstthings, right? You need to, you need
to learn. Like, you need to goget a job. You can't just wait for
(12:26):
that ultimate career or, ortry to be an influencer. You need
to go get a job. So one, get ajob. Two, go find a place to live.
Three, you know, go, go figureout, you know, you know, to get a
car, be a good human mannersand all the other adulting stuff,
including emergencies. Becauseemergencies do happen and when emergencies.
(12:47):
I think that's sort of thewhole thing with this book. It's
not going to be a how to oneverything. That really isn't what
I set out to do. I set out togive big key concepts that young
adults should know. And it's,and that's practical advice, Just
practical advice. It's notgoing to tell you how to tie a tie,
but it's going to tell you,hey, here's what you should do. So
(13:09):
you should know that when youshould or should not have a tie.
Right? Those are the, thoseare the kind of concepts that I tried
to instill. But it really, youknow, it's funny because every, every
time now I'm, I think about,I'm like, I get another call from
my kid, I'm like, you knowwhat? I didn't talk about that. I
didn't. Oh yeah, all thisother stuff. And our world evolves
so quickly that quite frankly,I couldn't keep up. But I didn't
(13:31):
want, I wanted to make itconsumable as well. Right. And as,
you know, as the book, everychapter has a little too long didn't
read section. So if you reallyneeded to just distill it even further,
just go, go to that, to thelast page.
I have no doubt you could makeit to volume 10 in, you know, in
a matter of minutes for sure.So your book begins with the idea
(13:51):
that it's okay not to knowexactly what you want to do with
your life. So then how canparents help their kids embrace the
uncertainty of adulthood whilestill encouraging them to plan for
the future?
It's. Great question, greatquestion, Leanne. First things first.
And I know it sounds crazy andI could probably say it now because
(14:12):
mine are out of the house, butone, relax. Your kids are under so
much pressure. Not just yourpressure. P. You know, when I was
growing up, my pressure was,yeah, my kids, like, yeah. And my
parents Were saying, hey, geta job. Get, you know, do all this
stuff, get good grades andyou'll be fine. Nowadays you have
these kids who look at socialmedia. You have no idea what's real
(14:34):
and what's fake. I mean, I,you look at social media and every,
every kid of my kids who arefollowing is traveling around on
first class and traveling allover Europe and, and living this
lifestyle. It's like. So firstthings first. You want to encourage
your kids to have a plan, butnot necessarily the plan. I put an
(14:57):
analogy, and this was actuallyfrom. From one of my daughters who
loves to hike. She loves theoutdoors, and she sort of equates
her life to like a, like ahike. You don't really know what
you're going to get on yourhike, but that's the nice part about
it. You can pick, hey, I wantto go into mountains or I want to
go hike to the ocean. And yousort of have a general idea, but
(15:19):
if you don't like the hike,just stop. Go a different direction
if it, you know, and that'sthe important thing. Have your kids
have a plan, but don't make itthe plan. Just have an idea to get
going.
Yeah. Simplify it. And as yousaid, relax. Which is something that,
you know, a lot of parentstoday, anyways, in the competitive
world that we live in, youknow, it's hard to do for a lot of
(15:42):
people. You talk aboutemployers and how they value boldness
and hustle. This is anotherpain point. Many families. How can
parents nurture hustle andthat mindset in their kids without
overwhelming them?
So the number one thing that Isuggest, there's a couple key concepts
that I like to, you know,besides obviously being a good person.
(16:06):
But one of the importantthings that I would encourage parents
to do is to get your kid youngadult, whatever you want to call
them, involved with otheradults. Include them. When you have
family gatherings and you haveyour friends over, you have your
adult friends over. Inviteyour kids to start to interact. And
(16:28):
I think that interaction iskey. When you go to a, it doesn't
matter. You go to a, a picnicor you go to a, a church event or
a sporting event, have yourkids interact with adults. Have them
comfortable to interact withadults. Because I think one of the
things, it's not necessarilythe drive that's holding your kid
(16:50):
back. It's the comfort incommunicating and networking with
other people. And I thinkthat's where I've noticed, and I've
noticed this in my ownbusiness the past 25 years. I've
been hiring young adults.They're coming fresh out of college,
and I hire them to be analystsand we train them up. The difference
(17:11):
between an analyst coming intoday versus one that came in 25
years ago is remarkable. Theyoung adults today are much more
passive, they're much moreinward. It's hard. I'm not getting
the unsolicited emails, hey,I'd love to come work for you. Can
I meet you? And I think that'swhere we're doing our kids a disservice,
(17:33):
is it comes down to they'renot comfortable talking to an adult
and asking an adult for help,asking them some other adult that
they don't know. They're surethey're happy to ask you for anything
under the sun, but when itcomes down to it, will they go into
LinkedIn and say, Geez, youknow what? I'm really interested
in a job in auto, you know,auto engineering. Would they ever
(17:55):
do any research and startreaching out and saying, hey, I,
I'm really interested in this,I'm a college graduate. Would you
spend 10 minutes with metalking to me about this? And I think
so. I, I, I, I go back tothat. It's not, I don't think it'
or drive. I think it's thelack of confidence in networking
and engaging socially.
Yeah. And when you add, youknow, certainly the pandemic and
(18:18):
its impact on socialinteraction, isolation, those kinds
of sort of, you know,conversational communications abilities
that a lot of kids in certainage groups have lost or never really
found or never really had itbecause of the pandemic. And then
social media, which, you know,despite the name, causes a lot of
(18:39):
people to be isolated.Isolated. It really does make sense
emotionally.
AI, I just want to point out.Sorry, yeah, I want to point out.
And now AI is becoming sopowerful that that point of that
relationship, that human tohuman contact is even gone or is
diminishing. So it's criticalnow that you get your kids comfortable
(18:59):
in communicating and talkingwith adults, reaching out to other
people. It's that social. Andyou're right. I think it's, you know,
the pandemic was crushing toour young adults and the technology
and social media is alsocrushing to our young adults. AI
will be crushing. These areall opportunities, but they're, they're,
we have to teach our youngadults how to work with these tools.
(19:23):
And I think the other thingthat's interesting about that particular
point is talking to otheradults who may have similar perspectives
to perhaps the parent. Butwhen you hear it from Somebody else.
And it sort of validates whatmom and dad may have said, but fell
on deaf ears. So I think it'sa really important point you're making.
(19:44):
Yeah, I think, look, I thinkthe family circle in the friend zone,
the friend dynamic iscritical. I've had my kids come in
on business meetings andbusiness meals just so they can experience
this. And I can tell you, youknow, I speak from, from experience.
If a young adult asked me forsome advice or some help, I'm more
(20:04):
than talk to them, give themadvice, career advice, whatever it
may be. It's because it isimportant that I, I'm smart enough
to know that this nextgeneration is going to have to take
care of me. So I better getthem, better get them up before,
before too long.
Give them the tools for sure.Chapter 11 in your book talks about
emotional intelligence. And Iwonder what practical ways can parents
(20:28):
help their kids navigatedifficult situations which were,
you know, are inevitable inlife, obviously, without making things
worse for themselves if theydon't have that life experience yet?
Yeah, well, I mean, that's thething too, right? Part of adulting,
that ever living thing, right,where you're always learning and
the emotional intelligence is,is key and critical. And I think
(20:51):
that, I think parents can,this is more about dialogue and this
comes back to communication. Ithink one of the challenges that
we have as, as parents is itgoes back to, we're trying to make
these things learning moments.And sometimes they, they tend like
they're, or they sound like weare preaching or we are pushing our
(21:14):
will on our kids, which isn'tnecessarily the best thing to do.
And so when you start talkingabout these experiences, I think
it's, it's, it's, it'simportant to have your young adult
understand that there's aplace and an outlet to reflect and
talk and discuss these things.And I think that's where, where it's
(21:34):
important that thatcommunication also back to that,
that family and friend circle.My kids, if they have a really tough
thing and they don'tnecessarily want to talk to me, they
can talk to one of my friends.And back to your point, they'll listen
to him before they listen tome almost, you know, nine out of
10 times. And his, his kidswill listen to me nine times out
(21:56):
of 10. And that's what makesit, that's what makes it nice.
So in addition to your livedexperience with your four kids and
your observations over theyears as a dad, you, as you mentioned,
have also infused theexpertise of more than two dozen
experts in the book. Curiousas to how did you go about selecting
these experts and why did youfeel that was important to include
(22:19):
them?
I think the, the importance ofhaving the experts goes back to that.
My kids aren't going to listento me. Right. And so, you know, one
of the funny stories was thatone of the women who I interviewed,
she runs a very large realestate company, massive, multifamily.
They own apartments throughoutthe world. A massive company. And
(22:42):
most likely, you know,somebody's lived in one of theirs
or know somebody who lives inone of their apartments. And she
said, yeah, you know what,Rob? It was very funny. I was actually
dropping my daughter off and Iwas putting her into an apartment
and my daughter had a questionabout the apartment and I tried to
answer for her and she turnedto me and said, mom, you know, I
know you're in the business,but they don't. Not everybody does
(23:04):
it your way. You don't knowwhat you're talking about, Right?
Well, it turns out it wasactually one of her apartments. And
so of course she really didknow what she was talking about.
But it comes back to thatpoint where your kids aren't going
to listen to you. They'lllisten to experts. The next part
of that question was, how didI pick them? I try to get a blend
of relatable but also credibleexperts. So, for example, knowing
(23:32):
that banking is one of thesestaid things, that, that really isn't
exciting. I know there's a lotof conversation on TikTok and, and
other social media outletsabout money and banking, but I had
one of my, my kids asked me,well, why do I need a bank account?
I've got Zelle, right? Or. OrVenmo, just, I just use that. And,
and no, you need a bankaccount. I went out and I sought
(23:53):
professionals that had thatexpertise, but relatability. So head
of family banking at JPMorganChase, head of apartments at Greystar.
So sort of a blend of it aswell as social media personalities.
Interesting. Now, the fact ofthe matter is, in today's world,
(24:13):
parents have never been morechallenged for a host of reasons
that we all understand. Andall of this can feel super overwhelming
for the average par. How canparents break down these lessons
into manageable chunks fortheir emerging adults to not only
appreciate, but to takesomething from, whether it's through
(24:35):
your book or just some of thelessons in there.
Once again, prioritize. Butfirst and foremost, relax. Adulting
is hard. Parenting is hard. Wealready, we talk about this. Just
relax. You're not going to getit? All right, so, but, but take.
Prioritize what's reallyimportant. And I come back to the
(24:55):
same thing. I don't care if mykids are the best in the world, the
richest, whatever it is. Ijust want somebody to say, hey, you
know what? They were a goodhuman. They're, they're, they're.
Yeah, they have empathy. Theycare about people, they care about
animals and nature and all ofthat stuff. Like, they just are good
people. And they get up everymorning and they work and they drive
(25:16):
to, to get something betterfor themselves and their family and
their loved ones. That's all.And so when you, when you start taking
that, if you have that alreadyfilled, if you feel like you've created
a pretty good person, thenprioritize. Where is the next step?
I think for a lot of youngadults, that next step is when they
get off that magic carpet rideand everything is now up to them.
(25:41):
Every decision in the past hasbeen made for them. Now it's their
turn. What am I going to do?Where am I going to live? And that
is a very, very difficultexperience for a lot of young adults.
And so I would probablyprioritize if you take sections of
the book, and which is why Iput it as number one. It's a key,
(26:02):
fundamental, letting your kidknow that the path and the journey
is going to be theirs. Thefaster they do it, the better it
will be and the easier it willbe. But it is their journey. And
teach them that it's not alife and death decision, because
I think a lot of kids strugglewith this. As I have to get the right
job, I have to get the rightlocation. I've got to be right here,
and I can't do this withoutthat. And just goes on and on.
(26:26):
Yeah, it can becomeoverwhelming very quickly. I'm curious
as to what you learned aboutyourself, Rob, in the course of researching,
writing this book, doing thoseinterviews, and just putting it all
together.
A couple of things. One, thatI don't know everything. Right. And,
and this was. And that's whythis was actually pretty exciting
for me, because I'minterviewing people. You and I were
(26:49):
talking about your podcast andhow if we let it go, if we don't,
if we don't limit the time,we're on forever. Well, these. I
mean, I had interviews. I hadan interview with. With the guy who
runs the tire shop for liketwo and a half hours. Right. And
it was just. It was justbecause we were talking, I learned
so much about things that Ididn't really know, but also how
(27:11):
my kids might experience that,right? To me, I don't know. Like,
to me, Venmo and Zelle werenew things for me. Like these money
transfer apps were new to me.For my kids, banking's new to them.
And so it really, the, thething was I'm as. As an adult, I
might be out of, out of touchwith reality sometimes. So, you know,
(27:33):
the other thing that I learnedis that social media is a huge importance
to our young adults. No matterif you're, you know, and I know a
lot of parents will say, mykids aren't on social media and all
that stuff. Well, they mightnot be on social media, but they
might be influenced by it.And, and so it's really important
to understand how influentialthat is to them. And the third is,
(27:55):
you know, make sure your kidsare prepared for emergencies. They
don't have time to quicklylook on their app, Google or chat
GPT it. They have to be ableto think and be in a situation where
they have to. They have tomanage the danger themselves because
you won't be there.
I'm curious as to, you know,did this journey for you of putting
(28:20):
this book together ultimatelyimpact your parenting approach, even
though your kids range in agefrom 20 to 28? You mentioned, you
know, some of them don't liveat home anymore, but you're still
their dad and they're stillgoing to call you for stuff. So in
what ways, if any, has thisjourney of writing this book influenced
(28:41):
how you parent?
I've become much more logicalon it. So, for example, I get, you
know, dreaded phone callnumber one, middle of the night,
dreaded phone call number two.My young adult feeling the independence
is at an auto dealership andshe's about to buy her first brand
new car. And she hasn't doneany research or anything, you know,
(29:02):
anything to it. And it'sgiving her the structure of what
to do. Or you're in anaccident. It gives you structure.
And so as. As an adult might.The difference in my adulting is
before it was, oh, geez, Ineed to take care of it. So get out
of the dealership. Dad's goingto take care of it for you. You know,
(29:24):
I'll get you the car or, hey,sweetheart. Oh, my gosh. You were
an offender, Bender. Oh, mygosh, Let dad take care of it to
now. Okay, let's think aboutthis logically. Okay? You're in an
accident. And just like what ILearned from, from AAA gentleman
runs, triple A1. Okay, wereyou hurt anybody? Injured? Okay.
(29:44):
No. Share information. Do youneed to call the police? Do you need
to. Have you done that? Haveyou got these documents? And it became
just much more of a calmapproach as opposed to my typical,
you know, volatile, like, hey,oh my gosh, big, big issue, right?
It's like. And, and I thinkthat's sort of the, the key thing
that I've learned. It's. Andfor the change of my own parenting
(30:07):
skill has been one of morelogic and more of practical. Here
you go. This is what you needto do. Don't worry about it. Don't
relax. You're okay as long asyou're not hurt. Let's go through
these things.
The other interesting pieceabout your story and your book is
the fact that you are a dadwriting this. And it's, it's most
often moms who kind of thinkabout this and find ways to sort
(30:30):
of express themselves on it.Not exclusively, but mostly. I'm
curious because you talkedabout having traveled a lot, you
know, when your kids weregrowing up. So presumably your wife
was managing, raising thekids. What was her reaction to you?
One, wanting to write thisbook and two, to the finished product.
So actually it was my wife'sidea. So after that call with our
(30:53):
daughter, middle of the night,she's like, you know what, you should
just write a book about this.Because I just finished my first
book and I write these forenjoyment. I'm not a, you know, this
is just pure enjoyment for me.I love writing and doing this. And
so she's like, why don't youjust write a book? Just like get
(31:13):
all this stuff. Because she'salways there beside me, because the
kids come to me and they'relike, hey, dad. Because usually it's
hey dad, I need this right? Orhey, dad, you know, and, and so she,
she realized how important itwas for me to sort of answer a lot
of these questions for them.But put it in a. Once again, this
book is about a foundationalapproach. It's not everything. It's
(31:37):
just to help them get a senseof a non judgy, non sort of pushy,
foundational improvement oftheir life and how to be an adult.
How to go from this, thisdependent lifestyle to being independent.
The book is called hey dad,Everything you should have learned
about life but didn't. AuthorRob Finlay, thank you so much for
(32:00):
your time and sharing yourinsight with us today.
Thank you so much.
To learn more about today'spodcast, guest and topic, as well
as other parenting themes,visit whereparentstalk.com.
Welcome to the Where ParentsTalk podcast. We help grow better
parents through science.
Evidence and the livedexperience of other parents.
Learn how to better navigatethe mental.
And physical health of yourtween teen.
Or young adult through provenexpert advice.
Here's your host, Leanne Castellino.
What, if anything, can parentsdo to simplify the learning curve
(00:29):
for adolescents as they moveinto adulthood? Welcome to Where
Parents Talk. My name isLianne Castelino. Our guest today
is an accomplishedentrepreneur in the real estate industry.
Rob Finlay is also a bestselling author and father of four.
His first parenting theme bookis called hey dad, everything you
should have learned about lifeand didn't. Rob joins us today from
(00:53):
Charlotte North Carolina.Thank you so much for taking the
time.
Well, thanks for having metoday, Leanne.
Really interesting topicbecause we seem to be hearing more
and more about it fordifferent reasons in the world we
live in today. Let me start,Rob, by asking you why did you feel
that there was a need for thistype of book on this theme?
(01:15):
I think it comes really frommy experience with my own kids and
I like to think about adultingor for our young kids as you know.
Have you ever been to theairport and you see these, these,
I call them the magic carpets,right, where it's, it's like a, it's
like a walkway, but it movesand, and everything. You just stand
on it and you go down the,down the concourse. I feel like our
(01:38):
kids are sort of like on that,that, you know, magic carpet ride
where they're out there andthey're like, you know, what if I
go to first grade, secondgrade, third grade, everything is
sort of programmed for them.Then all of a sudden this stops.
They either graduate from highschool, graduate from college, but
all of this sort of, this,this where they go and what they
(01:59):
do has stopped and now they'resort of put in this part of where,
okay, now you have to grow upand be an adult. And as much as we've
tried to do for them asthey've been growing up, they might
not have been equipped withall of the skills that are required
for them to be successfuladults. And so I really thought,
it's just, it was a, there wasa lot of stories behind it and what
(02:20):
the actual prompting of it wasa situation I had with one of my
daughters. But in reality was,it's generally for all young adults
who are in this transitionalperiod, it gives them the fundamentals
of being an adult.
So it begs the question, Rob,like, you know, certain generations,
let's talk about ours, forexample, didn't have a guide. We
(02:42):
didn't have a lot of maybeguidance from our parents, just in
general. We had to figure itout on our own. So what has changed
to the point that this currentgeneration could use and need a book
like the one that you've produced.
But I think, you know, I don'tknow about you and your other listeners,
but so for me, when I wasgrowing up, I had to do chores, I
(03:03):
had to do things, I had to mowthe yard, I had to work on things
that. When my dad was workingon the car, I was helping with the
car. And my parents were verygood about getting me involved in
being with adults. I think asI was an adult and I started my time
with my kids, I spent moretime sort of taking care of them
(03:25):
than necessarily teaching themthe things that they need to know.
So, for example, like, I don'tchange my oil in my car anymore.
I go down to a Jiffy Lube or,you know, a AAA service station,
and it gets done for me.Everything I try to do is for my
kids, my daughters, forexample. I try to do everything I
can for them, right? If. Andthey know, hey, dad, I've got a.
(03:46):
My. My tire pressure on my caris, has gone down. There's the light
on my car. Can you go takecare of it? Sure, sweetheart, of
course I will. And so I thinkas, as, as. As an adult, at least
for me, I've tried so hard tosort of take my kids and protect
them and, and as opposed totrying to teach them and let them
get on their own. I also thinktoo, it's, you know, it is a different
(04:08):
generation and these thingsare changing. Don't forget, we are
in these monumental shifts,right? A lot of these kids are dealing
with things that, that. I hadan economy issue when I was, When
I was graduating. I was at atime where the economy was in a bad
shape. Now you have youngadults who are going to have a difficult
time getting jobs because ofAI and other things. I also learned
(04:33):
early on that I have to beadaptable, right? I have to be able
to adapt. Just because Igraduated with a finance major does
not mean that my first job hasto be a financ. And I can't live
with if I don't get that. So Ithink it's just a different time,
a different perspective.
It's interesting that you talkabout having actively protected your
(04:53):
children as they grew up. Isthat something that you were aware
of while it was going on? Andif not, like what, when you sat down
to write this book, did youbecome more attuned to that and sort
of looking back on that?
Well, exactly. And I thinkthat really the key launch for this,
like the, the aha moment forthis book actually happened late
(05:16):
at night and I was laying abit, I was actually asleep. And,
and you know, for, for amiddle aged guy, it's a wonderful
thing. Like if you're sleepingin the middle of the night, it's
wonderful. But I get thatthing that every parent dreads. It's
the phone call. Phone call atthe middle of the night is always
something that is reallyscary. And so I grab my phone, I
(05:38):
see it's one of my daughtersand I'm freaking out, my heart rate's
pounding. Phone, what's wrong?Like, that's my first immediate thing.
And on the other side, she'slike, hey dad, can I put the green
gas in my Jeep? I was like,what am I? Green gas in your cheap.
What are you talking about?And then finally I came up to sort
of, you know, she was almostfrustrated by my response of like,
(06:00):
what are you talking about?She's like, I'm at a gas station,
can I put the green gas in myjeep? Well, the green gas was diesel
and her jeep is a gasolineengine, so clearly she cannot. And,
and so at that point Irealized that maybe I hadn't taught
them the things that I thoughtI had. And yes, that sheltering was
(06:21):
in fact what I hear now.Every, every time I get a hey dad
question, a hey dad text, ahey dad call, a hey dad anything,
it's because of maybe I spentmore time sheltering or even I was,
as you mentioned, I was anentrepreneur. I spent so much time
when my kids were young, Ispent an incredible amount of time
on the road trying to grow andrun the business. And so I'm sure
(06:44):
there's a lot of guilt thatcomes into that. Right? I wasn't
always there for them. And somaybe I didn't teach them all the
things, maybe I didn't showthem how to get an apartment or what
to do to get a job I thought Ihad, but maybe I didn't. And so this
is covering my basis. And thebook is really fundamental. And it's
important to note too, thebook isn't just me writing my stories.
I actually went out andinterviewed 30 experts in all things
(07:09):
adulting. Everything fromtaxes, banking, investments, even
to stuff like how often youshould clean your house or your,
or your sheets. Those arethings. And I got those experts to
really just give me a non sortof pushing, but more of just an enjoyable
read and how to foundational book.
(07:30):
So there's a lot to unpackthere. But I did want to go back
because I did read your bookand I recall that example that you
provided with that phone callat 1:00 from your daughter. And you
know, you described it asfeeling like you failed.
Yes.
Which is a very largeadmission for any of us to make on
anything. But I wonder likehow much of that ended up being the
(07:53):
impetus to first recognizethat maybe, you know, there was,
you know, failure involved oryou know, there was a shortcoming
there that then spurred you tosay, you know what? I am going to
take action and the actionhere is going to be a book.
Yeah. So look, I think everyparent parenting is a tough job and
we all know it. I mean it's,it's a brutal, brutal, brutal. Wonderful
(08:16):
but brutal job. And I thinkevery parent, I even hear from my
mom, she's like, oh, I, Ireally didn't do a good job with
you and your brother. And youknow, my brother's a successful businessman,
he's got kids. I've, I've beenfairly successful. I've got kids
like, like mom, what do you.Where's your, where's your, where's
your bar if you feel like youfailed? Like, it's really hard. And
(08:38):
I think by admitting myfailure, it is. Look, we're never
going to be perfect, Right.Parents are going to mess up, we
screw up. And I think the onething that I probably doing this
book realize that maybe I putway too much on myself, that maybe
I didn't fail. And I didn'tfail because quite frankly, the high,
(09:00):
the bar that I like to set andI tell other adults is our parents
is that bar should really justbe, did you create a good human?
That's it. Set that as yourbar. You're not going to have, you
know, not everybody's going tobe the, the star quarterback in the
football team or thepolitician or the, or the big businessman
(09:21):
or whatever they are. As longas they're a good human, you've done
your job as an adult. Lifewill teach them all the rest, you
know, as long as you've giventhem the foundation to be a good
human and to learn and to havesome, some des to achieve.
So it's interesting, I onceinterviewed an expert who said, you
know, if you think about it,everything we do as parents is with
(09:44):
a view to prepare our kids forindependence. Right. And I thought
it was very. A profound andpowerful statement because I never
thought about it like thatbefore. Including toilet training,
teaching them how to feedthemselves, on and on and on. You
know, down the line. When youlook back on it in terms of sort
of focusing and researchingand writing this book, is there anything
(10:09):
you wish you had donedifferently in your parenting?
I see. I think once again,that's sort of a loaded question,
right? Obviously, there'sthings I wish I did differently.
I wish I spent more time withmy kids. I wish I tried to force
them into these learningexperiences as opposed to last minute
or making sure that they didit or giving them some more independence.
(10:33):
I really think that as, as ourkids grow and develop, I think we're
doing more of a disserviceright now by not pushing them out
to be adults. I, I thinkthat's one of the things where I,
I think I. I wanted them to beso comfortable that maybe, hey, stay
with me. You just graduated.You don't really know what you're
doing. Come stay with me. It'sokay. Save up money. I'll take care
(10:56):
of it. Don't worry about.Just, Just find yourself and be one
and happy. That, I think, is,is while it's. You're doing it because
you feel like you, you need todo it and you want to do it, that's
a mistake that I felt like,you know what? I just prevented my
kid from adulting and growingand being successful by keeping them
at home and sheltering themfrom the things that they're going
(11:18):
to learn or the things thatthey're going to need to learn on
their own. And I think that'sthe foundation for, for adulting,
is that adulting is really.And it's, it's a nonstop. Here. I'm
still learning to be an adulttoday. It's about building these
foundations and constantlylearning and evolving, understanding
that failure is okay, just getup, do it again, learn how to make
(11:42):
friends, learn how to network,how these things are going to be
important in your life. Andthat's really what it's all about.
So on that note, the book heydad is billed as a practical guide.
And it's filled with all kindsof key topics that you tackle directly,
including, as you mentioned,getting a job, starting a business,
handling money, moving out, etcetera, et cetera. How did you go
about drilling down to thesekey themes? Because literally there
(12:06):
are, you know, thousands ofthemes we could get into. But to
isolate them down andsummarize that into those themes,
how did you go about that?
It's because I'm simple mindedmyself, right? It's like, okay, you
get out of school, go get ajob. I don't care what it is, right?
And these are the firstthings, right? You need to, you need
to learn. Like, you need to goget a job. You can't just wait for
(12:26):
that ultimate career or, ortry to be an influencer. You need
to go get a job. So one, get ajob. Two, go find a place to live.
Three, you know, go, go figureout, you know, you know, to get a
car, be a good human mannersand all the other adulting stuff,
including emergencies. Becauseemergencies do happen and when emergencies.
(12:47):
I think that's sort of thewhole thing with this book. It's
not going to be a how to oneverything. That really isn't what
I set out to do. I set out togive big key concepts that young
adults should know. And it's,and that's practical advice, Just
practical advice. It's notgoing to tell you how to tie a tie,
but it's going to tell you,hey, here's what you should do. So
(13:09):
you should know that when youshould or should not have a tie.
Right? Those are the, thoseare the kind of concepts that I tried
to instill. But it really, youknow, it's funny because every, every
time now I'm, I think about,I'm like, I get another call from
my kid, I'm like, you knowwhat? I didn't talk about that. I
didn't. Oh yeah, all thisother stuff. And our world evolves
so quickly that quite frankly,I couldn't keep up. But I didn't
(13:31):
want, I wanted to make itconsumable as well. Right. And as,
you know, as the book, everychapter has a little too long didn't
read section. So if you reallyneeded to just distill it even further,
just go, go to that, to thelast page.
I have no doubt you could makeit to volume 10 in, you know, in
a matter of minutes for sure.So your book begins with the idea
(13:51):
that it's okay not to knowexactly what you want to do with
your life. So then how canparents help their kids embrace the
uncertainty of adulthood whilestill encouraging them to plan for
the future?
It's. Great question, greatquestion, Leanne. First things first.
And I know it sounds crazy andI could probably say it now because
(14:12):
mine are out of the house, butone, relax. Your kids are under so
much pressure. Not just yourpressure. P. You know, when I was
growing up, my pressure was,yeah, my kids, like, yeah. And my
parents Were saying, hey, geta job. Get, you know, do all this
stuff, get good grades andyou'll be fine. Nowadays you have
these kids who look at socialmedia. You have no idea what's real
(14:34):
and what's fake. I mean, I,you look at social media and every,
every kid of my kids who arefollowing is traveling around on
first class and traveling allover Europe and, and living this
lifestyle. It's like. So firstthings first. You want to encourage
your kids to have a plan, butnot necessarily the plan. I put an
(14:57):
analogy, and this was actuallyfrom. From one of my daughters who
loves to hike. She loves theoutdoors, and she sort of equates
her life to like a, like ahike. You don't really know what
you're going to get on yourhike, but that's the nice part about
it. You can pick, hey, I wantto go into mountains or I want to
go hike to the ocean. And yousort of have a general idea, but
(15:19):
if you don't like the hike,just stop. Go a different direction
if it, you know, and that'sthe important thing. Have your kids
have a plan, but don't make itthe plan. Just have an idea to get
going.
Yeah. Simplify it. And as yousaid, relax. Which is something that,
you know, a lot of parentstoday, anyways, in the competitive
world that we live in, youknow, it's hard to do for a lot of
(15:42):
people. You talk aboutemployers and how they value boldness
and hustle. This is anotherpain point. Many families. How can
parents nurture hustle andthat mindset in their kids without
overwhelming them?
So the number one thing that Isuggest, there's a couple key concepts
that I like to, you know,besides obviously being a good person.
(16:06):
But one of the importantthings that I would encourage parents
to do is to get your kid youngadult, whatever you want to call
them, involved with otheradults. Include them. When you have
family gatherings and you haveyour friends over, you have your
adult friends over. Inviteyour kids to start to interact. And
(16:28):
I think that interaction iskey. When you go to a, it doesn't
matter. You go to a, a picnicor you go to a, a church event or
a sporting event, have yourkids interact with adults. Have them
comfortable to interact withadults. Because I think one of the
things, it's not necessarilythe drive that's holding your kid
(16:50):
back. It's the comfort incommunicating and networking with
other people. And I thinkthat's where I've noticed, and I've
noticed this in my ownbusiness the past 25 years. I've
been hiring young adults.They're coming fresh out of college,
and I hire them to be analystsand we train them up. The difference
(17:11):
between an analyst coming intoday versus one that came in 25
years ago is remarkable. Theyoung adults today are much more
passive, they're much moreinward. It's hard. I'm not getting
the unsolicited emails, hey,I'd love to come work for you. Can
I meet you? And I think that'swhere we're doing our kids a disservice,
(17:33):
is it comes down to they'renot comfortable talking to an adult
and asking an adult for help,asking them some other adult that
they don't know. They're surethey're happy to ask you for anything
under the sun, but when itcomes down to it, will they go into
LinkedIn and say, Geez, youknow what? I'm really interested
in a job in auto, you know,auto engineering. Would they ever
(17:55):
do any research and startreaching out and saying, hey, I,
I'm really interested in this,I'm a college graduate. Would you
spend 10 minutes with metalking to me about this? And I think
so. I, I, I, I go back tothat. It's not, I don't think it'
or drive. I think it's thelack of confidence in networking
and engaging socially.
Yeah. And when you add, youknow, certainly the pandemic and
(18:18):
its impact on socialinteraction, isolation, those kinds
of sort of, you know,conversational communications abilities
that a lot of kids in certainage groups have lost or never really
found or never really had itbecause of the pandemic. And then
social media, which, you know,despite the name, causes a lot of
(18:39):
people to be isolated.Isolated. It really does make sense
emotionally.
AI, I just want to point out.Sorry, yeah, I want to point out.
And now AI is becoming sopowerful that that point of that
relationship, that human tohuman contact is even gone or is
diminishing. So it's criticalnow that you get your kids comfortable
(18:59):
in communicating and talkingwith adults, reaching out to other
people. It's that social. Andyou're right. I think it's, you know,
the pandemic was crushing toour young adults and the technology
and social media is alsocrushing to our young adults. AI
will be crushing. These areall opportunities, but they're, they're,
we have to teach our youngadults how to work with these tools.
(19:23):
And I think the other thingthat's interesting about that particular
point is talking to otheradults who may have similar perspectives
to perhaps the parent. Butwhen you hear it from Somebody else.
And it sort of validates whatmom and dad may have said, but fell
on deaf ears. So I think it'sa really important point you're making.
(19:44):
Yeah, I think, look, I thinkthe family circle in the friend zone,
the friend dynamic iscritical. I've had my kids come in
on business meetings andbusiness meals just so they can experience
this. And I can tell you, youknow, I speak from, from experience.
If a young adult asked me forsome advice or some help, I'm more
(20:04):
than talk to them, give themadvice, career advice, whatever it
may be. It's because it isimportant that I, I'm smart enough
to know that this nextgeneration is going to have to take
care of me. So I better getthem, better get them up before,
before too long.
Give them the tools for sure.Chapter 11 in your book talks about
emotional intelligence. And Iwonder what practical ways can parents
(20:28):
help their kids navigatedifficult situations which were,
you know, are inevitable inlife, obviously, without making things
worse for themselves if theydon't have that life experience yet?
Yeah, well, I mean, that's thething too, right? Part of adulting,
that ever living thing, right,where you're always learning and
the emotional intelligence is,is key and critical. And I think
(20:51):
that, I think parents can,this is more about dialogue and this
comes back to communication. Ithink one of the challenges that
we have as, as parents is itgoes back to, we're trying to make
these things learning moments.And sometimes they, they tend like
they're, or they sound like weare preaching or we are pushing our
(21:14):
will on our kids, which isn'tnecessarily the best thing to do.
And so when you start talkingabout these experiences, I think
it's, it's, it's, it'simportant to have your young adult
understand that there's aplace and an outlet to reflect and
talk and discuss these things.And I think that's where, where it's
(21:34):
important that thatcommunication also back to that,
that family and friend circle.My kids, if they have a really tough
thing and they don'tnecessarily want to talk to me, they
can talk to one of my friends.And back to your point, they'll listen
to him before they listen tome almost, you know, nine out of
10 times. And his, his kidswill listen to me nine times out
(21:56):
of 10. And that's what makesit, that's what makes it nice.
So in addition to your livedexperience with your four kids and
your observations over theyears as a dad, you, as you mentioned,
have also infused theexpertise of more than two dozen
experts in the book. Curiousas to how did you go about selecting
these experts and why did youfeel that was important to include
(22:19):
them?
I think the, the importance ofhaving the experts goes back to that.
My kids aren't going to listento me. Right. And so, you know, one
of the funny stories was thatone of the women who I interviewed,
she runs a very large realestate company, massive, multifamily.
They own apartments throughoutthe world. A massive company. And
(22:42):
most likely, you know,somebody's lived in one of theirs
or know somebody who lives inone of their apartments. And she
said, yeah, you know what,Rob? It was very funny. I was actually
dropping my daughter off and Iwas putting her into an apartment
and my daughter had a questionabout the apartment and I tried to
answer for her and she turnedto me and said, mom, you know, I
know you're in the business,but they don't. Not everybody does
(23:04):
it your way. You don't knowwhat you're talking about, Right?
Well, it turns out it wasactually one of her apartments. And
so of course she really didknow what she was talking about.
But it comes back to thatpoint where your kids aren't going
to listen to you. They'lllisten to experts. The next part
of that question was, how didI pick them? I try to get a blend
of relatable but also credibleexperts. So, for example, knowing
(23:32):
that banking is one of thesestaid things, that, that really isn't
exciting. I know there's a lotof conversation on TikTok and, and
other social media outletsabout money and banking, but I had
one of my, my kids asked me,well, why do I need a bank account?
I've got Zelle, right? Or. OrVenmo, just, I just use that. And,
and no, you need a bankaccount. I went out and I sought
(23:53):
professionals that had thatexpertise, but relatability. So head
of family banking at JPMorganChase, head of apartments at Greystar.
So sort of a blend of it aswell as social media personalities.
Interesting. Now, the fact ofthe matter is, in today's world,
(24:13):
parents have never been morechallenged for a host of reasons
that we all understand. Andall of this can feel super overwhelming
for the average par. How canparents break down these lessons
into manageable chunks fortheir emerging adults to not only
appreciate, but to takesomething from, whether it's through
(24:35):
your book or just some of thelessons in there.
Once again, prioritize. Butfirst and foremost, relax. Adulting
is hard. Parenting is hard. Wealready, we talk about this. Just
relax. You're not going to getit? All right, so, but, but take.
Prioritize what's reallyimportant. And I come back to the
(24:55):
same thing. I don't care if mykids are the best in the world, the
richest, whatever it is. Ijust want somebody to say, hey, you
know what? They were a goodhuman. They're, they're, they're.
Yeah, they have empathy. Theycare about people, they care about
animals and nature and all ofthat stuff. Like, they just are good
people. And they get up everymorning and they work and they drive
(25:16):
to, to get something betterfor themselves and their family and
their loved ones. That's all.And so when you, when you start taking
that, if you have that alreadyfilled, if you feel like you've created
a pretty good person, thenprioritize. Where is the next step?
I think for a lot of youngadults, that next step is when they
get off that magic carpet rideand everything is now up to them.
(25:41):
Every decision in the past hasbeen made for them. Now it's their
turn. What am I going to do?Where am I going to live? And that
is a very, very difficultexperience for a lot of young adults.
And so I would probablyprioritize if you take sections of
the book, and which is why Iput it as number one. It's a key,
(26:02):
fundamental, letting your kidknow that the path and the journey
is going to be theirs. Thefaster they do it, the better it
will be and the easier it willbe. But it is their journey. And
teach them that it's not alife and death decision, because
I think a lot of kids strugglewith this. As I have to get the right
job, I have to get the rightlocation. I've got to be right here,
and I can't do this withoutthat. And just goes on and on.
(26:26):
Yeah, it can becomeoverwhelming very quickly. I'm curious
as to what you learned aboutyourself, Rob, in the course of researching,
writing this book, doing thoseinterviews, and just putting it all
together.
A couple of things. One, thatI don't know everything. Right. And,
and this was. And that's whythis was actually pretty exciting
for me, because I'minterviewing people. You and I were
(26:49):
talking about your podcast andhow if we let it go, if we don't,
if we don't limit the time,we're on forever. Well, these. I
mean, I had interviews. I hadan interview with. With the guy who
runs the tire shop for liketwo and a half hours. Right. And
it was just. It was justbecause we were talking, I learned
so much about things that Ididn't really know, but also how
(27:11):
my kids might experience that,right? To me, I don't know. Like,
to me, Venmo and Zelle werenew things for me. Like these money
transfer apps were new to me.For my kids, banking's new to them.
And so it really, the, thething was I'm as. As an adult, I
might be out of, out of touchwith reality sometimes. So, you know,
(27:33):
the other thing that I learnedis that social media is a huge importance
to our young adults. No matterif you're, you know, and I know a
lot of parents will say, mykids aren't on social media and all
that stuff. Well, they mightnot be on social media, but they
might be influenced by it.And, and so it's really important
to understand how influentialthat is to them. And the third is,
(27:55):
you know, make sure your kidsare prepared for emergencies. They
don't have time to quicklylook on their app, Google or chat
GPT it. They have to be ableto think and be in a situation where
they have to. They have tomanage the danger themselves because
you won't be there.
I'm curious as to, you know,did this journey for you of putting
(28:20):
this book together ultimatelyimpact your parenting approach, even
though your kids range in agefrom 20 to 28? You mentioned, you
know, some of them don't liveat home anymore, but you're still
their dad and they're stillgoing to call you for stuff. So in
what ways, if any, has thisjourney of writing this book influenced
(28:41):
how you parent?
I've become much more logicalon it. So, for example, I get, you
know, dreaded phone callnumber one, middle of the night,
dreaded phone call number two.My young adult feeling the independence
is at an auto dealership andshe's about to buy her first brand
new car. And she hasn't doneany research or anything, you know,
(29:02):
anything to it. And it'sgiving her the structure of what
to do. Or you're in anaccident. It gives you structure.
And so as. As an adult might.The difference in my adulting is
before it was, oh, geez, Ineed to take care of it. So get out
of the dealership. Dad's goingto take care of it for you. You know,
(29:24):
I'll get you the car or, hey,sweetheart. Oh, my gosh. You were
an offender, Bender. Oh, mygosh, Let dad take care of it to
now. Okay, let's think aboutthis logically. Okay? You're in an
accident. And just like what ILearned from, from AAA gentleman
runs, triple A1. Okay, wereyou hurt anybody? Injured? Okay.
(29:44):
No. Share information. Do youneed to call the police? Do you need
to. Have you done that? Haveyou got these documents? And it became
just much more of a calmapproach as opposed to my typical,
you know, volatile, like, hey,oh my gosh, big, big issue, right?
It's like. And, and I thinkthat's sort of the, the key thing
that I've learned. It's. Andfor the change of my own parenting
(30:07):
skill has been one of morelogic and more of practical. Here
you go. This is what you needto do. Don't worry about it. Don't
relax. You're okay as long asyou're not hurt. Let's go through
these things.
The other interesting pieceabout your story and your book is
the fact that you are a dadwriting this. And it's, it's most
often moms who kind of thinkabout this and find ways to sort
(30:30):
of express themselves on it.Not exclusively, but mostly. I'm
curious because you talkedabout having traveled a lot, you
know, when your kids weregrowing up. So presumably your wife
was managing, raising thekids. What was her reaction to you?
One, wanting to write thisbook and two, to the finished product.
So actually it was my wife'sidea. So after that call with our
(30:53):
daughter, middle of the night,she's like, you know what, you should
just write a book about this.Because I just finished my first
book and I write these forenjoyment. I'm not a, you know, this
is just pure enjoyment for me.I love writing and doing this. And
so she's like, why don't youjust write a book? Just like get
(31:13):
all this stuff. Because she'salways there beside me, because the
kids come to me and they'relike, hey, dad. Because usually it's
hey dad, I need this right? Orhey, dad, you know, and, and so she,
she realized how important itwas for me to sort of answer a lot
of these questions for them.But put it in a. Once again, this
book is about a foundationalapproach. It's not everything. It's
(31:37):
just to help them get a senseof a non judgy, non sort of pushy,
foundational improvement oftheir life and how to be an adult.
How to go from this, thisdependent lifestyle to being independent.
The book is called hey dad,Everything you should have learned
about life but didn't. AuthorRob Finlay, thank you so much for
(32:00):
your time and sharing yourinsight with us today.
Thank you so much.
To learn more about today'spodcast, guest and topic, as well
as other parenting themes,visit whereparentstalk.com.
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