October 11, 2025 • 32 mins
What should parents really be telling their kids before they leave the nest?
In this episode of the Where Parents Talk podcast, host Lianne Castelino speaks to writer and mom of three, Joanne McHugh, creator of the newsletter Things Your Mom Should Have Told You.
McHugh how parents can help their young adults navigate love, work, money, and life’s inevitable messiness — without lecturing or sugarcoating.
She shares how her own daughters inspired her mission to offer honest, heartfelt, and practical wisdom to 20-somethings finding their footing in today’s complicated world.
Key topics:
- Why “happy talk” can backfire when preparing kids for adulthood
- How sharing your own struggles builds stronger relationships
- Talking about dating and finances without sounding like a sermon
- Navigating hustle culture and burnout
- Helping young adults normalize the messiness of their 20s
This podcast is for parents, guardians, teachers and caregivers to learn proven strategies and trusted tips on raising kids, teens and young adults based on science, evidenced and lived experience.
You’ll learn the latest on topics like managing bullying, consent, fostering healthy relationships, and the interconnectedness of mental, emotional and physical health.
Links referenced in this episode:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Foreign welcome to the WhereParents Talk podcast. We help grow
better parents throughscience, evidence and the lived experience
of other parents. Learn how tobetter navigate the mental and physical
health of your tween teen oryoung adult through proven expert
(00:21):
advice. Here's your host,Lianne Castelino.
Welcome to Where Parents Talk.My name is Lianne Castelino. Our
guest today is a writer and aself styled mom on call. Joanne McHugh
is a former global marketingexecutive and creator of the newsletter
Things yous Mom should haveTold you'd. She's also a mother of
(00:44):
three herself and she joins ustoday from Harleysville, Pennsylvania.
Thank you so much for makingthe time.
Thanks for having me, Leanne.
Really interesting title foryour newsletter. And I'm curious,
Joanne, what made you decidethat there was a need for this type
of information for young adults?
Well, I have three daughtersand when it got to the stage where
(01:08):
they were all either in highschool or college, you know, I started
to, you start to remember someof the milestones and like the key
events that happen in youryoung adult life. And I started to
notice that whenever we talkedabout their futures or things that
were coming down the pike orwhatever, it was always like boundless
optimism and everything wasalways going to be fantastic. And
(01:29):
like we very rarely spokeabout any kind of struggles or anything
like that that was going tohappen. And I think that that's good.
And you always want to have,you know, engender a certain sense
of hope in your kids. But thenat a certain point it's kind of not
realistic if you're nottalking about some of the pitfalls
that can happen along the wayor challenges they're going to have
(01:52):
or struggles or whatever. AndI read about a rule that marathoners
follow that is if they'vecovered like certain terrain and
then a runner who's comingbehind them asks what it was like
instead of like resulting tohappy talk and saying, oh, it won't
be that bad or whatever, whatyou should do is tell them what they
(02:12):
can expect about what's aheadso that they have a more realistic
view of things. And when Ireflected on it, I realized that
that was how I wanted toapproach things with my daughters
as they were kind of gettingready to. So I started to be more
intentional about what Italked to them about or the stories
that I shared or differentepisodes from my young adult life,
(02:35):
you know, just in the interestof trying to pass along some wisdom.
Really interesting analogy anda really interesting intentional
choice that you made. So whydo you think then that so many parents
hesitate to go down this roadof having these difficult, often,
you know, scary conversationsfor a lot of families.
(02:56):
Well, I think when your kidsare little, you kind of default to
the idea of you want them tofeel a sense of security, so you
kind of go into parent modeand you kind of have like, you, you
try to like create, you know,this perception that you're an all
knowing being and they alwayshad it together or whatever, and
there's a certain need forthat. Like, as I said, you want your
(03:17):
kids to feel secure. But Ithink the trick is, and not everybody
kind of like thinks about itor realizes it is at a certain point,
as they get closer toadulthood, ideally you treat them
more like an adult too, andyou start to share with him some
things that maybe you wouldhave kept to yourself in the past.
So you start to open up and bea little bit more authentic about
(03:41):
them or maybe, you know, putin more details of, of things that
happen that maybe you editedout of your life story in the past
just to do kind of like, youknow, first of all, I think it enhances
your credibility with thembecause then they realize, oh, mom
or dad, like, didn't alwayshave it together or things happen
to them and it just becomes amore authentic relationship.
(04:05):
It's such a fine line though,right? Because on the one hand you're
considering things like is itage appropriate depending on how
old your child is, you know,how much can they actually take of
what I'm saying in the currentworld where so much of it is negative
and we're exposed to so muchnegativity and, you know, level of
maturity, there's a wholebunch of things that, you know, one
(04:26):
can think about if as a parentthey want to approach these conversations
in your own lived experienceas well as your perspective from
maybe what you've witnessedwith others. What do you think changes
when parents do share some ofthese truths about adulthood?
Oh, I mean, I will say it'sbeing vulnerable is very scary, especially
(04:51):
the first time you do it. Oryou kind of open up and share things
that you're a little bitnervous about sharing with them.
And you're right, you shouldalways feel comfortable enough. It
should be age appropriateconversations. But when you do open
up, that vulnerability alsotends out, tends to be a very powerful
thing. And when you arevulnerable with your child and they
(05:16):
recognize that you're beingvery candid and honest with them,
that opens up a certainintimacy that you can't really have
when they're younger kids. Butas they approach adulthood, that
can be a very valuable thing.And I think they send when they sense
that you're being authenticand sharing with them that will then
sometimes open upconversations where they are more
(05:37):
willing to share theirexperiences or their struggles with
you or to come to you withquestions or dilemmas of, of their
own. So it feels a little bit,you know, it's a little nerve wracking
at first maybe when you firststart to do it. But then the more
you open up, I think, I thinkyou will tend to find that your relationship
with your kids deepens.
(05:59):
And it's an interesting point,right, because for many families,
many parents, it almost is asif they have to come to terms with
their own past. If theyhaven't before, they're able to share
it with now, they're theiryoung child. So there's that piece
as well. Joanna, in yournewsletter you cover all kinds of
topics. Curious as to what arethe most common struggles that you're
(06:21):
seeing with respect to what 20somethings are coming up against.
Well, I mean I cover a lot oftopics. I do everything from career
to love and relationships toget your shit together, you know,
category or whatever. So likeit runs the gamut. But what I find
in terms of like my mostpopular posts that I've done have
(06:43):
tended to be ones that dealwith love and relationships. And
I think there are a couple ofreasons for that. One is I think
it's just an area of naturalcuriosity. I think it's one of the
things that young adults aretrying to figure out. I think when
it comes to certain topics,like if it is a career topic or,
you know, how do I get a carloan or something like that, those
(07:05):
are things that it'srelatively easy to Google. But something
like this, where it's more indepth, there's no standard answer
or whatever. If they don'thave an adult in their life who is
sharing this kind ofinformation with them, you know,
maybe they're not comfortableor they haven't asked or it just
hasn't happened yet. You know,they are looking sometimes. I mean
(07:26):
there is no shortage ofinformation out there on social media
or in the media, the Internetor whatever about love and relationships.
There's reality shows, there'splenty of different ideas. But I
think that there, there'sstill, there's like some something
of a desire to like hearsometimes from like, you know, the
older and wiser, you know,either my parent or somebody like
(07:47):
my parent about what was theirexperience. Like somebody who could
take it all and put it into context.
So then what would you suggestto a parent in terms of how they
can go about handling some ofthose trickier topics, like relationships,
for example?
Well, I think the first thingis, is that, you know, I'm a big
one for reflecting on your ownexperience. I think one of the things
(08:12):
that as your child gets olderand certainly anybody who has anybody
over the age of 13 in theirhouse knows that there's a certain
resistance that enters in at acertain point when, when mom or dad,
like, tends to impart advice.So I'm a big fan of. Instead of telling
them something directly, ifyou can share a story, that's kind
(08:33):
of ideal because then they,they don't have the sense that, oh,
mom's trying to tell me to doX. It's more that they can listen
to the story kind of like intheir own mind, like, you know, figure
out what might be applicableto them or to their situations or
whatever, and then they takewhat they need from the story. And
I think, you know, humans arekind of wired to receive information,
(08:56):
you know, in this way. So ifyou can kind of lean on your experiences
and there's something similarif they're coming home and they're
like, yeah, like my, my whole,you know, friend group, it's like
everybody's, you know, goingin different directions and I don't
have anybody to, to sit withat lunch anymore or whatever it is.
You know, if you have, you maynot have a directly applicable situation,
(09:17):
but if you can kind of thinkof a situation you've been in that's
similar and relate to that,that to them, first of all, it's
going to make them feel muchless alone. And then secondly, as
I said, they can kind of likeweigh it and figure out if there,
if there's something in thatthat they can take away and use and
apply to themselves.
(09:38):
Well, and on that topic ofrelationships, I mean, dating in
your 20s or dating in generalat the best of times, it can be a
messy pursuit. You know, howcan parents go about encouraging
thoughtful, you know, choicesfrom their kids without overstepping
or sounding too demanding orauthoritarian or, you know, just
(09:58):
telling them what to do?
Yeah, I mean, that's thetricky one. And I think of, like,
all of the situations that areout there. This is one of the areas
where you probably have totread most lightly. And I, I'm trying
to think of what othersituations in your life. You know,
could there be more of a do ityourself type of project or like
a solo project than, you know,dating or, you Know, finding the
(10:22):
one or something like that. Soagain, I don't think it's that you
want to give direct advice nowif there are certain instances in
your life or things thatyou've learned. And again, you can
kind of see parallels withwhat your child is facing or your
child asks you about it. Youknow, you kind of have to pick your
moment and figure out thatthere might be a time to wade in
(10:45):
and, you know, that they, theymight be more receptive to it. I
think other than that, youknow, one of the things that I like
to do with my newsletter is Idon't like it to always be my voice.
Like, I think that, you know,you need more than one source of
wisdom. So I have a book ofthe month in which I share snippets
(11:05):
from different, you know, Ithink of them as books of wisdom
from for young adults. Sothere are certain books that are
out there. There's like agreat one called how to Not Die Alone,
which is, you know, written byone of the behavior experts at Hinge,
you know, the dating app.That's very good. There's another
book called Outdated. So Ithink, you know, books are a wonderful
(11:28):
vehicle. I know that we're in,in a place where, you know, videos,
podcasts, we tend to get a lotof our information that way, but
I still think there's such agreat place for books because it's
kind of like a chance for likea one to one sharing and you know,
something like that maybe isalso could be helpful in a situation
like that.
(11:50):
What did this look like inyour household? Joanne, you've got
three girls, three youngadults now, but when they were going
through this relationshippiece that you're talking about,
how were you intentional? Whatdid that look like in terms of how
you approached theconversation with them?
Yeah, I mean, it's one ofthose things where I can't say like
(12:10):
there was never any time oflike, you know, at a certain age,
somebody got sat down for atalking to or something like that.
So I'm very big on kind oflike the, you know, looking for opportunities
or like teachable moments orsomething like that. So I would say
it was more of a case of, youknow, things woven into the conversation.
(12:31):
Gosh. And there's like so muchto talk about. And I think, you know,
people, you know, my owndaughters, I have one that's engaged
now. The people have been inrelationship, people are single now
or whatever. So I think it'sone of those things where I try to
be as kind of like Respectfuland hands off as I can be. I think
(12:54):
if you're a parent, certainlyif there are situations that are
concerning and you're, youknow, worried that your child's in
an unhealthy relationship orwhatever, then, you know, it is kind
of your responsibility to finda way to speak up and approach your
child. But I don't know thatthere's a one size fits all. It's
kind of like one of thosethings where you have to see how
(13:15):
it's going and figure out how,how to apply it.
So what would you have wishedthat your mom told you in this vein
that maybe she didn't when youwere growing up?
Yeah, I mean, it's one ofthose things where I feel like I
did get a lot of wisdom frommy mom. And, you know, having a newsletter
called things your mom shouldhave told you makes it sound like,
(13:36):
oh, her mother must not havetold her anything. But my mom did
tell me a lot of things. And Ithink, you know, I say mom, but really
it's like your mom or someoneshould have told you. And I think
one of the things, when I'vereflected back on my young adulthood,
there were so many things thatcame up that I didn't expect or didn't
unfold the way I expected themto. Like, I expected that I was going
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to graduate and immediatelycome out and, and find, you know,
my ideal, like, dream type ofjob and that was going to financially
reward and delight me. And itdidn't work out like that. You know,
I really hated my first jobor, you know, you get engaged, you're
getting married, you'relooking forward to, you know, wedding
(14:21):
planning, and it's going to bethis, like, grand time or whatever.
And planning a wedding wasn'tas much fun as I thought it would
be. And, you know, there are alot of reasons for that. So I feel
like there are a lot of thingsthat come along in adulthood that
again. And maybe it's some ofit's, you know, us, it's society,
we kind of like paint therosiest picture, which again, you
(14:43):
want to be hopeful andencouraging. But the reality is,
is that, you know, with thejob thing for one, one thing, it
would have been more realisticto assume you get your first job,
you develop some of the skillsthat ideally might lead you to a
job that you would like betterlater on, or you're planning a wedding
and certain aspects of it willbe wonderful and enjoyable and fun.
(15:07):
But you're bringing twofamilies together, you're going to
have to, you know, Discernguest lists and, you know, you're
dealing with things that aregoing to be expensive. Like there
are just a lot of naturalpoints of, I don't know, possible
dissension or troubles cancome along in the way. So I think
that that's kind of the thing.I wish that somebody had told me
(15:31):
when I was a young adult tounderstand that it wasn't just all
going to be sunshine androses, that there were going to be
some difficulties, which wasperfectly normal. Yeah.
And it sounds like at the endof the day, you know, getting them
to a place where it's eyeswide open when they go into whatever
they're going to beexperiencing. You talked the first
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job piece and, you know, mostgraduates, hopefully they think they're
going to land the perfectfirst job, which is a. It's a great
thought to have. The realityfor most of them is very different,
especially in the times we'retalking about. So how do you go about,
as a parent, being supportivewhile also painting a realistic picture,
(16:13):
not being too negative aboutit, while also maybe telling them,
you know, you kind of maybehave to take what's available in
today's economy to some degreeas well?
Yeah, I mean, I guess my go tois to kind of like think back and
like, dig into my well ofexperience. Either if it was something
I had gone through or I knowmy husband had gone through, or close
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friends, you know, that, youknow, we live through this together
or whatever, or sometimes youhave friends who have kids who are
maybe a little bit older thanyours and. And that child might have
experienced something like,wow, it's really a tough job market.
And, you know, so. And so hadto take this or whatever. So I think,
you know, my go to is kind oflike, is there somebody out there
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who we know who has had like,a similar experience and you can
kind of like plant that seedand, you know, again, when you get
to the point where your kidsare adults, the whole thing, I've
heard it described as you'resupposed to be the guide on the side.
Right. Like, you're not the.The sage on the stage anymore. You're
supposed to be kind of offthere kind of like as a consultant
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or, you know, you come inwhen. When needed. So I think there's
different things that you cankind of like bring into it. Again,
it depends on what your childis encountering as they're job hunting
or they've taken a job andit's not really what they wanted.
So, you know, you're there toempathize with them and to say, well,
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that's too bad. You know, inmy experience, it's usually best.
It's usually easier to findyour next job when you're currently
employed. So you kind of haveto tough it out. I mean, you can
start to like poke around orwhatever. So just like little things
like that. It's almost likemore some, some coaching. But I think
you very much want to leavethe kids in the driver's seat.
(18:08):
Absolutely. And it's that fineline between, you know, an emerging
adult or young trying to beindependent while still trying to
navigate a world that ischanging every second of the day
that many adults arestruggling to understand, you know,
that are maybe in their 40s,50s, and 60s when talking about jobs
(18:31):
and things, finance,understanding budgets. Financial
literacy obviously is a lifeskill. What should parents be talking
to with their emerging, ayoung adult about financial literacy,
in your opinion?
Yeah, I think that's one ofthose ones where if you can start
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to weave it in, say maybe whenthey're in their teens and do it
little by little. I mean, if,if you've kind of let it all go to,
you know, they're loading upthe truck and they're moving into
their first, that firstapartment, you know, two states away
or something like that. That'sdifficult to figure out. What do
I have to let them know, youknow, in the next, in the next week
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or so. But I think there'slots of opportunities, things that
come up, you know, if yourteen gets a job and comes home with
their first paycheck and thepay stub of explaining like, who
is this FICA and why did heget a cut of my wages for the week
or whatever, like that's anopportunity there. Or your child's
graduated, they've gottentheir first job for the first time,
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they need to file their incometaxes or whatever. Like that's something
where, you know, they mightappreciate some hand holding or walking
through or how does this workor whatever. So I just think that
there ideally are differentopportunities that come up along
the way. I think the otherthing that we found worked well with
our daughters is we tried togradually hand off some of the financial
(20:00):
responsibilities. So in theirteen years, you know, some of the,
some of the, of the money thatthey were making from their part
time job or their babysittinggigs or whatever, you know, that
was covering theirentertainment expenses. Then people
got their driver's licensesand all of a sudden now there was
a car insurance premium. Andthat was something that we're like,
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okay, if you're going to drivelike this is your responsibility.
And I think the tendency asparents, like it's nice to kind of
just be like, you know,covering all of it for them and not
having the kids have anyfinancial worries, but then all the,
then later on when you knowthey're going to have to take everything
on someday, then it's more ofa shock to the system. So I think
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kind of like this gradualthing or once they get to college,
okay, like you know, thetuition, like we've worked that out,
either you know, we'recovering this or there's loans or
whatever, but you know, you'reresponsible for your book bill or
you know, now clothing budget,like that's on you. Like mom and
dad aren't going to pick upthat tab anymore. And again, I think
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as parents like you always,you know, there's part of you that
always wants to give them theworld. But I think on the other hand,
I guess, you know, handingthis over gradually, that helps them
to kind of have a little skinin the game themselves. And once
something is coming out oftheir budget, let me tell you, they're
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usually a lot more consciousof the cost of things or do I really
need, you know, anothersweater or dress or something like
that. So it's kind of likehelping them to kind of like get
that skill of budgeting andbeing financially responsible. So
my recommendation is toideally not hit them all at once,
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but to kind of like make it agradual ramp up.
Many experts who have studiedthe 20 somethings and just that decade
will say that it is messy andit is, you know, filled with all
kinds of angst for people inthat decade. That's just what happens.
We live in a time now wherethat's probably even more so the
(22:10):
case. How can parents go abouttrying to normalize sort of unfinished
everything during that 20something phase?
Yeah, I mean if you've gonethrough something in your household
where like let's say that atsome point you all have tackled a
project like a kitchenrenovation or something like that,
(22:32):
where you've lived throughthat for weeks, like anybody who's
gone through that understandsthat just by its nature it's kind
of messy, you've got to takerip all the old stuff out before
you start to build the newstuff up. And it's a process. So
I think anything you can do tokind of normalize that and remind
the kids that it's not goingto just all happen overnight again,
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bringing in your own personalexperiences of, you know, maybe it
took you more than four yearsto get through college, or, you know,
maybe you got the career thingup and running, but you didn't find
your significant other rightaway. And, you know, it was just.
There's. There's a lot ofpieces. And I think just even saying
to them, like, your 20s, like,when you're trying to, like, put
(23:19):
a whole life together and it'sthe first time, you don't have just
the natural progression thatthere's always been, that you move
up to the next grade and thenthe next grade, and it's all very
defined. It's great to havethe freedom to design the type of
life that you want, but it'salso a lot of. A lot of pieces. And
I think the more that you cando to encourage them of, like, not
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everything has to be perfectright away, and kind of, like, you
get one thing up and runningand also, you know, having them understand,
very rarely does everybody. Iseverybody juggling all the balls
in the air just, you know,ideally right away. Like, it just
takes some time to get going.So, again, if you have some stories
in your personal history thatyou can pull out, you know, to kind
(24:04):
of demonstrate, hey, look athow long it took me to get this,
this, and this together.Because otherwise, they've only ever
known you as an adult whoprobably had, you know, some sense
of stability by the team bythe time they came along and were
aware of who you were, and momand dad always seemed to have it
together. They don't have thebenefit of knowing what your 20s
(24:25):
looked like. So the more thatyou can, like, share that with them,
that will help them. Helpground them.
One of the things that'suniquely challenging about the times
we live in is the fact thathustle culture is a thing. The gig
economy is a thing. How can aparent who did not grow up with that
when they were in theirtwenties now sort of, you know, square
(24:50):
that circle for their child interms of talking about ambition versus
burnout, if they do fall intothat category of, you know, being
in the hustle culture.
Yeah, no, that's one of thethings. And, like, I don't think.
I don't think that there's awhole lot that we as parents need
to do to try and, like, orientour kids to. To wanting to achieve
(25:10):
or be successful or whatever.I think there are plenty of voices
out there in the culture thatwill already be encouraging them
or, you know, going beyondwhat should be a natural level of
ambition that people shouldhave. So the world is kind of taking
care of that. So really, IThink as a parent, we're, you know,
(25:30):
maybe one of the few, likespokespeople that are out there for
the idea of work life balance.I mean, I think that kids will, by
the time they reach youngadulthood, they will have already
observed how you're managingyour life and your work life balance.
And, you know, hopefullythey've picked up good habits from
you, even if maybe you weren'tas balanced as you wanted to be.
(25:54):
It doesn't mean that it'strouble, it's just that maybe it's,
you know, being honest withthem about, gee, you know, I did
such and such and like,looking back on it, I wish I had
done this instead. You know,again, it's just a time for, for
sharing and being honest withthem about it. Kind of helping them
to understand like the bigpicture and, you know, hustle culture
(26:18):
is all about work. But I thinkthe reality is, is if you talk to
most 20 somethings, they wantmore than just work in their life.
Like, they want relationships,they may have personal interests,
hobbies, things they want topursue. They may have certain goals
that they want to do to helphumanity, you know, volunteering.
So I think whatever you as aparent can do to encourage them to
(26:40):
pursue those interests inaddition to like, whatever, you know,
work goals they have.
Joanne, you mentioned thebroad spectrum of themes and topics
that you cover in yournewsletter. How do you arrive on
some of those themes in termsof where do they come to you from
and is there any feedback thatyou've gotten that really sticks
(27:01):
in your mind in terms of, of,you know, people reaching out to
you to say, wow, that wasreally useful or, you know, could
you talk about X?
Yeah, I mean, I, I have arunning spreadsheet that I keep for
each of the topic areas and Iam always having ideas. I mean, I
think I started in thebeginning with different things that
(27:21):
I wish somebody had told meand I went from there. I'm constantly
adding it to it based on, youknow, what my daughter's experience
or if I hear of, you know,children of friends or my daughter's
friends or something likethat, the different issues and topics
that come up. And I thinkwhat's meaningful to me is like the
(27:44):
different times it doesn'thave to, you know, I don't have to
get 10 comments say that are,you know, patting me on the back
for something, but it can justbe one comment of like, thanks for
that piece you did on, onmental health and you know, what
you wish you knew about mentalhealth and like that, you know, I
could do cartwheels over acomment like that for a whole week
(28:06):
afterwards because it says tome that I put something out there
that somebody got someusefulness out of.
So with respect to being ayoung adult today, there's obviously,
it's uniquely challenging fora host of reasons that we're talking
about. What would you suggestto parents as something that they
(28:26):
could consider to be proactiveabout having these conversations
when their kids become youngadults as opposed to reacting after
something terrible hashappened or there's some kind of
a crisis?
Yeah, I mean, I think it's oneof those things as. As your kids
get older, there can kind ofbe a little bit. You can feel a little
(28:49):
bit deflated, like, you knowthat you're going to miss them, you
know, that you're not going tofeature as prominently in their lives
as they kind of move on toother things or their friends start
to. To play more of a role intheir life. So you can kind of feel
a little bit like you're onthe sidelines a little bit more.
And you are, and you shouldbe. But I think, you know, you probably
(29:10):
have reached a stage in yourlife where, you know, you have some
distance from your youngadulthood. You can look back on it,
you can reflect on it. And Ithink, you know, if you're ever sitting
around and you're wondering,you're taking a walk and wondering,
you know, what. What could Ibe thinking about? How could I be
helping, you know, my. Mydaughter or my son? You know, I would
encourage you to think aboutthose things that you wish you knew
(29:32):
when you were in their shoes.And, you know, maybe you won't. It
won't come up that you have anopportunity to have a conversation
with them right away. But Ithink if you're intentional about
it and you're looking for theopportunities, you'd be surprised
at how often, like, some sortof opening will come along and you'll
get a chance to share thatwisdom, that otherwise you're just
(29:52):
going to be keeping to yourself.
On that note, if you had onetruth that you had to pick about
adulting that you think everyparent should share with that child,
and there's probably tons, butif there was one, if there's one
that's really core, what wouldthat be?
I think, and I reflected aboutthis. For my birthday, I wrote a
(30:16):
piece about what my biggestchallenges were when I was 19 and
24 and 29, and when I thoughtabout what my biggest life challenge
was, and it was like anobstacle and insurmountable I didn't
know how I was going to solvethe problem, you know, but then when
I reflected on it, thoseproblems or those obstacles typically
(30:37):
resolved in like a year ortwo, sometimes in like a matter of
months. So I think what Irealized is that your life, my life,
and it's true, too. Even when,you know, you're my age now, your
life is always going to have abiggest obstacle. And it's not. It's
a feature of life. It's not abug. Life is meant to be this way.
(30:59):
If you think about any seriesthat you're streaming, you know,
watching, and like, there'salways some kind of challenge that
comes along that the maincharacter is trying to work out or
whatever, our lives are verymuch the same. And that's, that's
just how life goes. And, youknow, spoiler alert, too, once that
challenge resolves and you'relike, okay, now I got the job that
(31:21):
I wanted, or I figured outwhen I'm going to be ready to start
a family or, you know, Iwanted to find a significant other.
And I finally, you know, Ifound that relationship I'm looking
for. The kicker is thatthere's always going to be a new,
significant challenge toreplace it. Like, that's, that's
just life. And I think themore that we normalize that, then
(31:41):
the less anxiety, 20somethings or 30 somethings, the
quicker we recognize that, thesooner we kind of can settle in and
not be as anxious about itbecause we realize that's just how
life goes. And there's somecombination of circumstances or learnings
or people come into your lifeor whatever, and you'll figure it
(32:03):
out.
Lots of really great food forthought. Joanne McHugh, writer and
creator of the newsletterThings yous Mom should have Told
you'd, thank you so much foryour time and your perspective today.
Thanks. It was great talkingwith you, Leanne. To learn more about
(32:24):
today's podcast, guest andtopic, as well as other parenting
themes, visit whereparentstalk.com.
Foreign welcome to the WhereParents Talk podcast. We help grow
better parents throughscience, evidence and the lived experience
of other parents. Learn how tobetter navigate the mental and physical
health of your tween teen oryoung adult through proven expert
(00:21):
advice. Here's your host,Lianne Castelino.
Welcome to Where Parents Talk.My name is Lianne Castelino. Our
guest today is a writer and aself styled mom on call. Joanne McHugh
is a former global marketingexecutive and creator of the newsletter
Things yous Mom should haveTold you'd. She's also a mother of
(00:44):
three herself and she joins ustoday from Harleysville, Pennsylvania.
Thank you so much for makingthe time.
Thanks for having me, Leanne.
Really interesting title foryour newsletter. And I'm curious,
Joanne, what made you decidethat there was a need for this type
of information for young adults?
Well, I have three daughtersand when it got to the stage where
(01:08):
they were all either in highschool or college, you know, I started
to, you start to remember someof the milestones and like the key
events that happen in youryoung adult life. And I started to
notice that whenever we talkedabout their futures or things that
were coming down the pike orwhatever, it was always like boundless
optimism and everything wasalways going to be fantastic. And
(01:29):
like we very rarely spokeabout any kind of struggles or anything
like that that was going tohappen. And I think that that's good.
And you always want to have,you know, engender a certain sense
of hope in your kids. But thenat a certain point it's kind of not
realistic if you're nottalking about some of the pitfalls
that can happen along the wayor challenges they're going to have
(01:52):
or struggles or whatever. AndI read about a rule that marathoners
follow that is if they'vecovered like certain terrain and
then a runner who's comingbehind them asks what it was like
instead of like resulting tohappy talk and saying, oh, it won't
be that bad or whatever, whatyou should do is tell them what they
(02:12):
can expect about what's aheadso that they have a more realistic
view of things. And when Ireflected on it, I realized that
that was how I wanted toapproach things with my daughters
as they were kind of gettingready to. So I started to be more
intentional about what Italked to them about or the stories
that I shared or differentepisodes from my young adult life,
(02:35):
you know, just in the interestof trying to pass along some wisdom.
Really interesting analogy anda really interesting intentional
choice that you made. So whydo you think then that so many parents
hesitate to go down this roadof having these difficult, often,
you know, scary conversationsfor a lot of families.
(02:56):
Well, I think when your kidsare little, you kind of default to
the idea of you want them tofeel a sense of security, so you
kind of go into parent modeand you kind of have like, you, you
try to like create, you know,this perception that you're an all
knowing being and they alwayshad it together or whatever, and
there's a certain need forthat. Like, as I said, you want your
(03:17):
kids to feel secure. But Ithink the trick is, and not everybody
kind of like thinks about itor realizes it is at a certain point,
as they get closer toadulthood, ideally you treat them
more like an adult too, andyou start to share with him some
things that maybe you wouldhave kept to yourself in the past.
So you start to open up and bea little bit more authentic about
(03:41):
them or maybe, you know, putin more details of, of things that
happen that maybe you editedout of your life story in the past
just to do kind of like, youknow, first of all, I think it enhances
your credibility with thembecause then they realize, oh, mom
or dad, like, didn't alwayshave it together or things happen
to them and it just becomes amore authentic relationship.
(04:05):
It's such a fine line though,right? Because on the one hand you're
considering things like is itage appropriate depending on how
old your child is, you know,how much can they actually take of
what I'm saying in the currentworld where so much of it is negative
and we're exposed to so muchnegativity and, you know, level of
maturity, there's a wholebunch of things that, you know, one
(04:26):
can think about if as a parentthey want to approach these conversations
in your own lived experienceas well as your perspective from
maybe what you've witnessedwith others. What do you think changes
when parents do share some ofthese truths about adulthood?
Oh, I mean, I will say it'sbeing vulnerable is very scary, especially
(04:51):
the first time you do it. Oryou kind of open up and share things
that you're a little bitnervous about sharing with them.
And you're right, you shouldalways feel comfortable enough. It
should be age appropriateconversations. But when you do open
up, that vulnerability alsotends out, tends to be a very powerful
thing. And when you arevulnerable with your child and they
(05:16):
recognize that you're beingvery candid and honest with them,
that opens up a certainintimacy that you can't really have
when they're younger kids. Butas they approach adulthood, that
can be a very valuable thing.And I think they send when they sense
that you're being authenticand sharing with them that will then
sometimes open upconversations where they are more
(05:37):
willing to share theirexperiences or their struggles with
you or to come to you withquestions or dilemmas of, of their
own. So it feels a little bit,you know, it's a little nerve wracking
at first maybe when you firststart to do it. But then the more
you open up, I think, I thinkyou will tend to find that your relationship
with your kids deepens.
(05:59):
And it's an interesting point,right, because for many families,
many parents, it almost is asif they have to come to terms with
their own past. If theyhaven't before, they're able to share
it with now, they're theiryoung child. So there's that piece
as well. Joanna, in yournewsletter you cover all kinds of
topics. Curious as to what arethe most common struggles that you're
(06:21):
seeing with respect to what 20somethings are coming up against.
Well, I mean I cover a lot oftopics. I do everything from career
to love and relationships toget your shit together, you know,
category or whatever. So likeit runs the gamut. But what I find
in terms of like my mostpopular posts that I've done have
(06:43):
tended to be ones that dealwith love and relationships. And
I think there are a couple ofreasons for that. One is I think
it's just an area of naturalcuriosity. I think it's one of the
things that young adults aretrying to figure out. I think when
it comes to certain topics,like if it is a career topic or,
you know, how do I get a carloan or something like that, those
(07:05):
are things that it'srelatively easy to Google. But something
like this, where it's more indepth, there's no standard answer
or whatever. If they don'thave an adult in their life who is
sharing this kind ofinformation with them, you know,
maybe they're not comfortableor they haven't asked or it just
hasn't happened yet. You know,they are looking sometimes. I mean
(07:26):
there is no shortage ofinformation out there on social media
or in the media, the Internetor whatever about love and relationships.
There's reality shows, there'splenty of different ideas. But I
think that there, there'sstill, there's like some something
of a desire to like hearsometimes from like, you know, the
older and wiser, you know,either my parent or somebody like
(07:47):
my parent about what was theirexperience. Like somebody who could
take it all and put it into context.
So then what would you suggestto a parent in terms of how they
can go about handling some ofthose trickier topics, like relationships,
for example?
Well, I think the first thingis, is that, you know, I'm a big
one for reflecting on your ownexperience. I think one of the things
(08:12):
that as your child gets olderand certainly anybody who has anybody
over the age of 13 in theirhouse knows that there's a certain
resistance that enters in at acertain point when, when mom or dad,
like, tends to impart advice.So I'm a big fan of. Instead of telling
them something directly, ifyou can share a story, that's kind
(08:33):
of ideal because then they,they don't have the sense that, oh,
mom's trying to tell me to doX. It's more that they can listen
to the story kind of like intheir own mind, like, you know, figure
out what might be applicableto them or to their situations or
whatever, and then they takewhat they need from the story. And
I think, you know, humans arekind of wired to receive information,
(08:56):
you know, in this way. So ifyou can kind of lean on your experiences
and there's something similarif they're coming home and they're
like, yeah, like my, my whole,you know, friend group, it's like
everybody's, you know, goingin different directions and I don't
have anybody to, to sit withat lunch anymore or whatever it is.
You know, if you have, you maynot have a directly applicable situation,
(09:17):
but if you can kind of thinkof a situation you've been in that's
similar and relate to that,that to them, first of all, it's
going to make them feel muchless alone. And then secondly, as
I said, they can kind of likeweigh it and figure out if there,
if there's something in thatthat they can take away and use and
apply to themselves.
(09:38):
Well, and on that topic ofrelationships, I mean, dating in
your 20s or dating in generalat the best of times, it can be a
messy pursuit. You know, howcan parents go about encouraging
thoughtful, you know, choicesfrom their kids without overstepping
or sounding too demanding orauthoritarian or, you know, just
(09:58):
telling them what to do?
Yeah, I mean, that's thetricky one. And I think of, like,
all of the situations that areout there. This is one of the areas
where you probably have totread most lightly. And I, I'm trying
to think of what othersituations in your life. You know,
could there be more of a do ityourself type of project or like
a solo project than, you know,dating or, you Know, finding the
(10:22):
one or something like that. Soagain, I don't think it's that you
want to give direct advice nowif there are certain instances in
your life or things thatyou've learned. And again, you can
kind of see parallels withwhat your child is facing or your
child asks you about it. Youknow, you kind of have to pick your
moment and figure out thatthere might be a time to wade in
(10:45):
and, you know, that they, theymight be more receptive to it. I
think other than that, youknow, one of the things that I like
to do with my newsletter is Idon't like it to always be my voice.
Like, I think that, you know,you need more than one source of
wisdom. So I have a book ofthe month in which I share snippets
(11:05):
from different, you know, Ithink of them as books of wisdom
from for young adults. Sothere are certain books that are
out there. There's like agreat one called how to Not Die Alone,
which is, you know, written byone of the behavior experts at Hinge,
you know, the dating app.That's very good. There's another
book called Outdated. So Ithink, you know, books are a wonderful
(11:28):
vehicle. I know that we're in,in a place where, you know, videos,
podcasts, we tend to get a lotof our information that way, but
I still think there's such agreat place for books because it's
kind of like a chance for likea one to one sharing and you know,
something like that maybe isalso could be helpful in a situation
like that.
(11:50):
What did this look like inyour household? Joanne, you've got
three girls, three youngadults now, but when they were going
through this relationshippiece that you're talking about,
how were you intentional? Whatdid that look like in terms of how
you approached theconversation with them?
Yeah, I mean, it's one ofthose things where I can't say like
(12:10):
there was never any time oflike, you know, at a certain age,
somebody got sat down for atalking to or something like that.
So I'm very big on kind oflike the, you know, looking for opportunities
or like teachable moments orsomething like that. So I would say
it was more of a case of, youknow, things woven into the conversation.
(12:31):
Gosh. And there's like so muchto talk about. And I think, you know,
people, you know, my owndaughters, I have one that's engaged
now. The people have been inrelationship, people are single now
or whatever. So I think it'sone of those things where I try to
be as kind of like Respectfuland hands off as I can be. I think
(12:54):
if you're a parent, certainlyif there are situations that are
concerning and you're, youknow, worried that your child's in
an unhealthy relationship orwhatever, then, you know, it is kind
of your responsibility to finda way to speak up and approach your
child. But I don't know thatthere's a one size fits all. It's
kind of like one of thosethings where you have to see how
(13:15):
it's going and figure out how,how to apply it.
So what would you have wishedthat your mom told you in this vein
that maybe she didn't when youwere growing up?
Yeah, I mean, it's one ofthose things where I feel like I
did get a lot of wisdom frommy mom. And, you know, having a newsletter
called things your mom shouldhave told you makes it sound like,
(13:36):
oh, her mother must not havetold her anything. But my mom did
tell me a lot of things. And Ithink, you know, I say mom, but really
it's like your mom or someoneshould have told you. And I think
one of the things, when I'vereflected back on my young adulthood,
there were so many things thatcame up that I didn't expect or didn't
unfold the way I expected themto. Like, I expected that I was going
(14:00):
to graduate and immediatelycome out and, and find, you know,
my ideal, like, dream type ofjob and that was going to financially
reward and delight me. And itdidn't work out like that. You know,
I really hated my first jobor, you know, you get engaged, you're
getting married, you'relooking forward to, you know, wedding
(14:21):
planning, and it's going to bethis, like, grand time or whatever.
And planning a wedding wasn'tas much fun as I thought it would
be. And, you know, there are alot of reasons for that. So I feel
like there are a lot of thingsthat come along in adulthood that
again. And maybe it's some ofit's, you know, us, it's society,
we kind of like paint therosiest picture, which again, you
(14:43):
want to be hopeful andencouraging. But the reality is,
is that, you know, with thejob thing for one, one thing, it
would have been more realisticto assume you get your first job,
you develop some of the skillsthat ideally might lead you to a
job that you would like betterlater on, or you're planning a wedding
and certain aspects of it willbe wonderful and enjoyable and fun.
(15:07):
But you're bringing twofamilies together, you're going to
have to, you know, Discernguest lists and, you know, you're
dealing with things that aregoing to be expensive. Like there
are just a lot of naturalpoints of, I don't know, possible
dissension or troubles cancome along in the way. So I think
that that's kind of the thing.I wish that somebody had told me
(15:31):
when I was a young adult tounderstand that it wasn't just all
going to be sunshine androses, that there were going to be
some difficulties, which wasperfectly normal. Yeah.
And it sounds like at the endof the day, you know, getting them
to a place where it's eyeswide open when they go into whatever
they're going to beexperiencing. You talked the first
(15:52):
job piece and, you know, mostgraduates, hopefully they think they're
going to land the perfectfirst job, which is a. It's a great
thought to have. The realityfor most of them is very different,
especially in the times we'retalking about. So how do you go about,
as a parent, being supportivewhile also painting a realistic picture,
(16:13):
not being too negative aboutit, while also maybe telling them,
you know, you kind of maybehave to take what's available in
today's economy to some degreeas well?
Yeah, I mean, I guess my go tois to kind of like think back and
like, dig into my well ofexperience. Either if it was something
I had gone through or I knowmy husband had gone through, or close
(16:37):
friends, you know, that, youknow, we live through this together
or whatever, or sometimes youhave friends who have kids who are
maybe a little bit older thanyours and. And that child might have
experienced something like,wow, it's really a tough job market.
And, you know, so. And so hadto take this or whatever. So I think,
you know, my go to is kind oflike, is there somebody out there
(16:59):
who we know who has had like,a similar experience and you can
kind of like plant that seedand, you know, again, when you get
to the point where your kidsare adults, the whole thing, I've
heard it described as you'resupposed to be the guide on the side.
Right. Like, you're not the.The sage on the stage anymore. You're
supposed to be kind of offthere kind of like as a consultant
(17:22):
or, you know, you come inwhen. When needed. So I think there's
different things that you cankind of like bring into it. Again,
it depends on what your childis encountering as they're job hunting
or they've taken a job andit's not really what they wanted.
So, you know, you're there toempathize with them and to say, well,
(17:44):
that's too bad. You know, inmy experience, it's usually best.
It's usually easier to findyour next job when you're currently
employed. So you kind of haveto tough it out. I mean, you can
start to like poke around orwhatever. So just like little things
like that. It's almost likemore some, some coaching. But I think
you very much want to leavethe kids in the driver's seat.
(18:08):
Absolutely. And it's that fineline between, you know, an emerging
adult or young trying to beindependent while still trying to
navigate a world that ischanging every second of the day
that many adults arestruggling to understand, you know,
that are maybe in their 40s,50s, and 60s when talking about jobs
(18:31):
and things, finance,understanding budgets. Financial
literacy obviously is a lifeskill. What should parents be talking
to with their emerging, ayoung adult about financial literacy,
in your opinion?
Yeah, I think that's one ofthose ones where if you can start
(18:52):
to weave it in, say maybe whenthey're in their teens and do it
little by little. I mean, if,if you've kind of let it all go to,
you know, they're loading upthe truck and they're moving into
their first, that firstapartment, you know, two states away
or something like that. That'sdifficult to figure out. What do
I have to let them know, youknow, in the next, in the next week
(19:13):
or so. But I think there'slots of opportunities, things that
come up, you know, if yourteen gets a job and comes home with
their first paycheck and thepay stub of explaining like, who
is this FICA and why did heget a cut of my wages for the week
or whatever, like that's anopportunity there. Or your child's
graduated, they've gottentheir first job for the first time,
(19:36):
they need to file their incometaxes or whatever. Like that's something
where, you know, they mightappreciate some hand holding or walking
through or how does this workor whatever. So I just think that
there ideally are differentopportunities that come up along
the way. I think the otherthing that we found worked well with
our daughters is we tried togradually hand off some of the financial
(20:00):
responsibilities. So in theirteen years, you know, some of the,
some of the, of the money thatthey were making from their part
time job or their babysittinggigs or whatever, you know, that
was covering theirentertainment expenses. Then people
got their driver's licensesand all of a sudden now there was
a car insurance premium. Andthat was something that we're like,
(20:23):
okay, if you're going to drivelike this is your responsibility.
And I think the tendency asparents, like it's nice to kind of
just be like, you know,covering all of it for them and not
having the kids have anyfinancial worries, but then all the,
then later on when you knowthey're going to have to take everything
on someday, then it's more ofa shock to the system. So I think
(20:45):
kind of like this gradualthing or once they get to college,
okay, like you know, thetuition, like we've worked that out,
either you know, we'recovering this or there's loans or
whatever, but you know, you'reresponsible for your book bill or
you know, now clothing budget,like that's on you. Like mom and
dad aren't going to pick upthat tab anymore. And again, I think
(21:06):
as parents like you always,you know, there's part of you that
always wants to give them theworld. But I think on the other hand,
I guess, you know, handingthis over gradually, that helps them
to kind of have a little skinin the game themselves. And once
something is coming out oftheir budget, let me tell you, they're
(21:26):
usually a lot more consciousof the cost of things or do I really
need, you know, anothersweater or dress or something like
that. So it's kind of likehelping them to kind of like get
that skill of budgeting andbeing financially responsible. So
my recommendation is toideally not hit them all at once,
(21:48):
but to kind of like make it agradual ramp up.
Many experts who have studiedthe 20 somethings and just that decade
will say that it is messy andit is, you know, filled with all
kinds of angst for people inthat decade. That's just what happens.
We live in a time now wherethat's probably even more so the
(22:10):
case. How can parents go abouttrying to normalize sort of unfinished
everything during that 20something phase?
Yeah, I mean if you've gonethrough something in your household
where like let's say that atsome point you all have tackled a
project like a kitchenrenovation or something like that,
(22:32):
where you've lived throughthat for weeks, like anybody who's
gone through that understandsthat just by its nature it's kind
of messy, you've got to takerip all the old stuff out before
you start to build the newstuff up. And it's a process. So
I think anything you can do tokind of normalize that and remind
the kids that it's not goingto just all happen overnight again,
(22:56):
bringing in your own personalexperiences of, you know, maybe it
took you more than four yearsto get through college, or, you know,
maybe you got the career thingup and running, but you didn't find
your significant other rightaway. And, you know, it was just.
There's. There's a lot ofpieces. And I think just even saying
to them, like, your 20s, like,when you're trying to, like, put
(23:19):
a whole life together and it'sthe first time, you don't have just
the natural progression thatthere's always been, that you move
up to the next grade and thenthe next grade, and it's all very
defined. It's great to havethe freedom to design the type of
life that you want, but it'salso a lot of. A lot of pieces. And
I think the more that you cando to encourage them of, like, not
(23:41):
everything has to be perfectright away, and kind of, like, you
get one thing up and runningand also, you know, having them understand,
very rarely does everybody. Iseverybody juggling all the balls
in the air just, you know,ideally right away. Like, it just
takes some time to get going.So, again, if you have some stories
in your personal history thatyou can pull out, you know, to kind
(24:04):
of demonstrate, hey, look athow long it took me to get this,
this, and this together.Because otherwise, they've only ever
known you as an adult whoprobably had, you know, some sense
of stability by the team bythe time they came along and were
aware of who you were, and momand dad always seemed to have it
together. They don't have thebenefit of knowing what your 20s
(24:25):
looked like. So the more thatyou can, like, share that with them,
that will help them. Helpground them.
One of the things that'suniquely challenging about the times
we live in is the fact thathustle culture is a thing. The gig
economy is a thing. How can aparent who did not grow up with that
when they were in theirtwenties now sort of, you know, square
(24:50):
that circle for their child interms of talking about ambition versus
burnout, if they do fall intothat category of, you know, being
in the hustle culture.
Yeah, no, that's one of thethings. And, like, I don't think.
I don't think that there's awhole lot that we as parents need
to do to try and, like, orientour kids to. To wanting to achieve
(25:10):
or be successful or whatever.I think there are plenty of voices
out there in the culture thatwill already be encouraging them
or, you know, going beyondwhat should be a natural level of
ambition that people shouldhave. So the world is kind of taking
care of that. So really, IThink as a parent, we're, you know,
(25:30):
maybe one of the few, likespokespeople that are out there for
the idea of work life balance.I mean, I think that kids will, by
the time they reach youngadulthood, they will have already
observed how you're managingyour life and your work life balance.
And, you know, hopefullythey've picked up good habits from
you, even if maybe you weren'tas balanced as you wanted to be.
(25:54):
It doesn't mean that it'strouble, it's just that maybe it's,
you know, being honest withthem about, gee, you know, I did
such and such and like,looking back on it, I wish I had
done this instead. You know,again, it's just a time for, for
sharing and being honest withthem about it. Kind of helping them
to understand like the bigpicture and, you know, hustle culture
(26:18):
is all about work. But I thinkthe reality is, is if you talk to
most 20 somethings, they wantmore than just work in their life.
Like, they want relationships,they may have personal interests,
hobbies, things they want topursue. They may have certain goals
that they want to do to helphumanity, you know, volunteering.
So I think whatever you as aparent can do to encourage them to
(26:40):
pursue those interests inaddition to like, whatever, you know,
work goals they have.
Joanne, you mentioned thebroad spectrum of themes and topics
that you cover in yournewsletter. How do you arrive on
some of those themes in termsof where do they come to you from
and is there any feedback thatyou've gotten that really sticks
(27:01):
in your mind in terms of, of,you know, people reaching out to
you to say, wow, that wasreally useful or, you know, could
you talk about X?
Yeah, I mean, I, I have arunning spreadsheet that I keep for
each of the topic areas and Iam always having ideas. I mean, I
think I started in thebeginning with different things that
(27:21):
I wish somebody had told meand I went from there. I'm constantly
adding it to it based on, youknow, what my daughter's experience
or if I hear of, you know,children of friends or my daughter's
friends or something likethat, the different issues and topics
that come up. And I thinkwhat's meaningful to me is like the
(27:44):
different times it doesn'thave to, you know, I don't have to
get 10 comments say that are,you know, patting me on the back
for something, but it can justbe one comment of like, thanks for
that piece you did on, onmental health and you know, what
you wish you knew about mentalhealth and like that, you know, I
could do cartwheels over acomment like that for a whole week
(28:06):
afterwards because it says tome that I put something out there
that somebody got someusefulness out of.
So with respect to being ayoung adult today, there's obviously,
it's uniquely challenging fora host of reasons that we're talking
about. What would you suggestto parents as something that they
(28:26):
could consider to be proactiveabout having these conversations
when their kids become youngadults as opposed to reacting after
something terrible hashappened or there's some kind of
a crisis?
Yeah, I mean, I think it's oneof those things as. As your kids
get older, there can kind ofbe a little bit. You can feel a little
(28:49):
bit deflated, like, you knowthat you're going to miss them, you
know, that you're not going tofeature as prominently in their lives
as they kind of move on toother things or their friends start
to. To play more of a role intheir life. So you can kind of feel
a little bit like you're onthe sidelines a little bit more.
And you are, and you shouldbe. But I think, you know, you probably
(29:10):
have reached a stage in yourlife where, you know, you have some
distance from your youngadulthood. You can look back on it,
you can reflect on it. And Ithink, you know, if you're ever sitting
around and you're wondering,you're taking a walk and wondering,
you know, what. What could Ibe thinking about? How could I be
helping, you know, my. Mydaughter or my son? You know, I would
encourage you to think aboutthose things that you wish you knew
(29:32):
when you were in their shoes.And, you know, maybe you won't. It
won't come up that you have anopportunity to have a conversation
with them right away. But Ithink if you're intentional about
it and you're looking for theopportunities, you'd be surprised
at how often, like, some sortof opening will come along and you'll
get a chance to share thatwisdom, that otherwise you're just
(29:52):
going to be keeping to yourself.
On that note, if you had onetruth that you had to pick about
adulting that you think everyparent should share with that child,
and there's probably tons, butif there was one, if there's one
that's really core, what wouldthat be?
I think, and I reflected aboutthis. For my birthday, I wrote a
(30:16):
piece about what my biggestchallenges were when I was 19 and
24 and 29, and when I thoughtabout what my biggest life challenge
was, and it was like anobstacle and insurmountable I didn't
know how I was going to solvethe problem, you know, but then when
I reflected on it, thoseproblems or those obstacles typically
(30:37):
resolved in like a year ortwo, sometimes in like a matter of
months. So I think what Irealized is that your life, my life,
and it's true, too. Even when,you know, you're my age now, your
life is always going to have abiggest obstacle. And it's not. It's
a feature of life. It's not abug. Life is meant to be this way.
(30:59):
If you think about any seriesthat you're streaming, you know,
watching, and like, there'salways some kind of challenge that
comes along that the maincharacter is trying to work out or
whatever, our lives are verymuch the same. And that's, that's
just how life goes. And, youknow, spoiler alert, too, once that
challenge resolves and you'relike, okay, now I got the job that
(31:21):
I wanted, or I figured outwhen I'm going to be ready to start
a family or, you know, Iwanted to find a significant other.
And I finally, you know, Ifound that relationship I'm looking
for. The kicker is thatthere's always going to be a new,
significant challenge toreplace it. Like, that's, that's
just life. And I think themore that we normalize that, then
(31:41):
the less anxiety, 20somethings or 30 somethings, the
quicker we recognize that, thesooner we kind of can settle in and
not be as anxious about itbecause we realize that's just how
life goes. And there's somecombination of circumstances or learnings
or people come into your lifeor whatever, and you'll figure it
(32:03):
out.
Lots of really great food forthought. Joanne McHugh, writer and
creator of the newsletterThings yous Mom should have Told
you'd, thank you so much foryour time and your perspective today.
Thanks. It was great talkingwith you, Leanne. To learn more about
(32:24):
today's podcast, guest andtopic, as well as other parenting
themes, visit whereparentstalk.com.
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