November 13, 2023 • 21 mins
Navigating the seas of grief after the loss of a beloved pet can feel like a lonely and misunderstood journey. But you're not alone. Sharing her unique coping strategies, musician Erica Messer turns her sorrow into support for others dealing with pet grief. Erica opens up about her healing journey after the loss of her pet, Wolfgang, and underscores the changing role of animals in our lives. She emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and respecting our bonds with our pets, who are no less than family to us.
In our quest to understand and navigate grief, we also delve into the therapeutic potential of Wolfie's Wish Grieving Cards. Crafted with love and understanding by Erica herself, these cards offer prompts, affirmations, and tools to guide you towards self-forgiveness and peace. We discuss the weight of guilt that can sit heavy on our hearts during grief, and how to let go of it. Erica reads through a few of these cards and shares how they helped her find the strength to validate her grief and move forward. Join us as we explore the profoundness of pet grief and the path to healing, one step at a time.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr Edward (00:25):
Hello everybody.
I'm Dr Edward the Healing Bit.
We've got Erica Messer here asour guest today on the podcast
which is Pets, people andHarmony podcast also Whole
Energy, body Balance.
So, erica, your passion ishelping people move through and
heal, I suppose with grief afterlosing pets.
(00:47):
Could you talk about yourselfand what you do and how you got
to doing what you do?
Erica Messer (00:53):
Sure, thank you, and thank you for having me.
Basically, I've been a musicianmy whole life and I lost my pet
tragically, and suddenlyWolfgang, and my mom and I
couldn't find a lot of tools andresources.
I was reaching out to her forhelp, so I ended up just doing a
lot of meditation and coming upwith my own practices.
(01:16):
And here we are.
Dr Edward (01:21):
I know that it's something that I work with a lot
as a veterinarian, and I findthat people often have
unresolved pet grief thatthey've been lugging around for
decades, years, decades, a longtime and often very large
amounts of it.
What do you think our societyis like when it comes to
(01:42):
supporting people through petgrief?
Erica Messer (01:46):
Well, I think it's minimized and unfortunately, I
think a lot of people that don'thave pets try to dictate how
we're allowed to grieve.
And if you think about it, inour lifetime pets have gone from
being protectors and keptoutside to where we're now
(02:06):
having birthday parties for dogsand celebrating the birthdays
of our cats and all pets really.
So there's been a really bigshift, I think, in how we're
treating and looking at animalsand the human-animal bond.
So to grieve the loss of a petis like losing a family member,
(02:30):
and at least it was for me.
And since I've reached out toother people, even around the
world, I have found that theylean in and whisper and will say
you know, I grieve the loss ofmy dog more than my parents
which isn't to say it is not tosay that we don't love our
parents.
But let's look at we're with ourpets 24-7 for years and we see
(02:53):
our families a couple times ayear.
I see mine twice a year, soit's a different dynamic, right?
And I think, those things arein the process of changing even
more, so we really need to honorour animals and treat them like
family and help other peopleunderstand that it is valid and
(03:19):
it is needed to.
I think it needs to be treatedjust like anything else, with
solutions.
Dr Edward (03:27):
Yeah, my feeling on that is that, well, the kind of
bond and relationship you havewith your pets is so much less
complicated than that that youhave with your human family.
Humans have all sorts of weirdbehaviors and traumas and if
you've grown up with yourparents, often they've got into
generational trauma and youmight love them but you might
(03:51):
not like them very muchSometimes.
I think family can be a bitlike that.
So, yeah, let's get to it.
I can see that too, that in thelight.
Well, certainly since I startedbeing a veterinarian some 28
years ago, I think there's beena huge change in the role that
animals play.
Now I don't actually dobirthday parties for my pets.
(04:14):
Maybe I'm still a little bit ofa country boy who doesn't get
into that sort of thing, but Ilove them heaps and they're a
really big part of my life.
I also see too that for singlewomen who haven't had children,
I think pets become far moreemotionally important to those
(04:34):
kinds of women than anyonerealises, except the people who
are experiencing the grief whenthey lose them.
Erica Messer (04:39):
I suppose Absolutely, and I think the same
thing goes for senior citizensthat maybe that's their only
real family or companion, or Imean it's applicable to men as
well.
Our home is a childless homeand my husband grieves as well.
He grieves differently and Ithink grief is processed
(05:02):
differently by everyone.
There are some stages of griefthat are common but, like you
said, circumstances really doplay a difference, and
millennials now are waiting tohave children, if at all, and so
the pets really fill that spaceof something to take care of
and love unconditionally andhave that love in return.
Dr Edward (05:26):
That can be both good and bad for the pets, I find,
because often women's kind ofinfantilise the animals and
don't necessarily treat them ina species appropriate way.
But that's probably aconversation for another day.
So obviously you losing yourbeautiful cat was really really
powerful experience for you andprobably not a very comfortable.
(05:47):
Powerful experience we oftentalk about in this podcast, the
one thing that you can sharethat will help people change
their life for the better.
So for you, what would that be?
Particularly because we'retalking about pet grief?
Erica Messer (06:06):
Wow, it's really hard to summarise one thing, but
I think what comes to mind isthat I'm lovable just the way I
am.
My pet loved me, regardless ifI had a shower during COVID or
was in a bad mood.
They just want to cuddle andhang out, and friends Not so
(06:29):
much.
That's not to say that myfriends don't love me, but it's
different.
And so to know that that bondis special to everyone and
therefore the grief is alsosignificant and it's okay.
You don't have to question yoursanity, there are helpful
(06:53):
resources.
So that love is strong and itdeserves to be honoured.
Dr Edward (06:58):
I know that I experienced a lot of grief at
the end of my second marriage.
It left me a total mess.
Thank you so much for beingwith us so much.
I was such a mess that Ifinally had to ask for help for
the first time in my life.
Really, so do you think that'sa helpful thing?
If people are being, if you'rereally having challenges with
(07:19):
grieving process, what kinds ofhelp should people seek?
Erica Messer (07:24):
Oh, absolutely, and I'm sorry to hear that, but
I am glad that you reached out.
I think asking close friendsand family first and opening up
a conversation about gettinghelp is the first step and then
deciding me personally, I neededprofessional help.
I was having suicidal ideationand I was really, really worried
(07:50):
about my mental health.
I do have mental illness so Ididn't want to, you know, affect
, I didn't want the grief toaffect that and had a lot at
stake.
So for me, reaching out to aprofessional was the best thing.
But really we spent a lot oftime just talking about how I'm
(08:11):
normal and my grief was normal,which was really hard for me to
understand.
So you know, there are supportgroups.
I've started a support group onFacebook which is free and so
really finding, asking oneselfwhat do I need to do to heal?
What kind of help do I want?
Do I want to read a book?
Do I want to talk with otherpeople?
Do I want to remain anonymousand be in a Facebook group where
(08:35):
I can post without my name, youknow?
Do I want a professional, amental health professional?
So, just opening up theconversation, I think one can
find the solutions that willwork for them and for me.
Doing simple daily practiceswas really good for me, and so
(08:56):
that's how my grieving cardsevolved was just something
simple and digestible.
I didn't have the capacity toread a book or get into anything
really in depth.
Dr Edward (09:08):
Okay and Okay Okay.
I've been working with someoneover the last six months or so
who has a really terriblehistory of trauma and other
(09:30):
things complex post-traumaticstress and she had a support dog
.
The support dog died and turnsout that people that have this
really complex post-combat levelpost-traumatic stress that have
(09:53):
support dogs lots of them docommit suicide after they lose
their support dogs.
It's a big thing.
I just want to mention that ifanyone is out there and you have
lost an animal, if you do losean animal and you really are
(10:14):
struggling, do please reach outfor help, call a hotline if
nothing else, there's lots ofhotlines that if you're having
suicidal ideation I had onenight of suicidal ideation when
my marriage broke down and myunderstanding of the whole
suicide type thing is that theemotional distress is so extreme
(10:37):
that you just feel like dyingwould be better.
That certainly was myexperience.
I just want to let you knowthat if you have that level of
discomfort in your being, thereare people who can help you move
through it, come out the otherside, be functional and be okay
and re-engage with joy in life.
It is possible.
I just wanted to say thatbecause it's super important.
(10:59):
Thank you.
Erica Messer (11:00):
Thank you for sharing that and being
vulnerable with us.
It's uncomfortable to talkabout there's a lot of stigma
around that but I think it'simportant to acknowledge it.
Dr Edward (11:10):
Absolutely.
Let me ask you what sort ofthings do you do with people to
help them through their journeyof losing a pet and coming
through the grief?
I reckon grief is a big seriesof storms that you can see on
the radar that you're going tocome in and sweep over you, and
(11:33):
you've just got to find a way toget through them.
Erica Messer (11:36):
That's beautiful.
That's exactly what I call themtoo.
I call them grief storms.
You see them coming.
You've got to just like in theocean.
You're under the wave insteadof fighting the wave, and then
you get to calm again.
It's scary, it's terrifying,because nobody wants that.
We don't want to feel bad.
Moving through grief is exactlywhat you have to do.
(11:58):
I connect people with theresources they need.
I myself am not a griefcounselor, but I work with
several all across the world.
We work with someone, tracyWoods, from Pet Eden in Perth,
and I've got Carrie Kearns inEngland.
They're admins to my privateFacebook group.
(12:20):
We try to provide answers andsupport for people in that group
, kind of around the clock andfrom different perspectives.
That's one thing that I invitepeople to do is to join that
Also.
On my website there's a lot offree resources.
Like I said, finding thesolution that works for one is
(12:40):
oneself is important.
If you want a book or you wantto listen to a podcast or watch
some YouTube videos or read ablog or reach out to a counselor
one-on-one, there's all ofthose options available.
I really love connecting andproviding those type of
resources, because I was juststuck with Google going okay,
(13:03):
how does one recover from petloss grief?
What options are there?
It's overwhelming to try tonavigate that.
That's why I think it's good tohave support from friends and
family or even your HRdepartment or whoever you feel
comfortable combining in to findthose solutions and to help you
dig through what's available.
Dr Edward (13:24):
Okay.
So self-care is reallyimportant when it comes to
getting through your life andyou know, the better you get at
self-care and the easy times ofyour life, the more you're going
to have that self-care musclewhen you get to the more
challenging times.
So what do you do for self-careand what do you think is the
best kind of self-care that youcan have to help you through
(13:45):
these difficult times?
Erica Messer (13:48):
Well, that's a brilliant insight and I couldn't
agree more.
Prior to losing Wolfgang, Ididn't really have any self-care
routines.
We were still in the pandemicand you know, we're all just
trying to get through the dayand adjust and still, you know,
work with, with being isolatedfor the most part.
And now, well, I definitelygave myself the time and space
(14:12):
and was lucky to have that toprocess the grief.
So I spent a lot of time injust quiet reflection.
I lit a candle to honorWolfgang, had a lot of tea, and
I just call it quiet time.
Some of the other practices Ihad were, you know, taking baths
just as long as I needed to,with all the stuff that appealed
(14:35):
to me, so bath salts,aromatherapy and really just
being gentle and kind to myself.
I think that grief affects thebody and mind and so to work
through tension and stressDefinitely getting massages if
you can afford it or, you know,going to salt rooms like
(14:57):
whatever appeals to you I thinkis a great solution.
Dr Edward (15:01):
It could be float tanks.
It could be getting into nature.
It could be exercise.
Exercise is a really importantthing, self-care thing, I find.
Erica Messer (15:12):
Yeah, and of course eating and eating
healthful foods is a no-brainer,but it's also, you know, some
people lose their appetite.
I did.
And even Reiki.
You know I'm a level two Reikipractitioner and so I was able
to kind of pull out all thetools that I had available and,
I have to say, a lot of thosethings didn't provide instant
(15:35):
relief.
I had to kind of sit with,being uncomfortable, even doing
self-care.
But I knew that my grief was ajourney and a process and
everyone promised me I wouldcome through the other side and
have joy again and enjoy lifeagain and get through those
really difficult emotions andpain.
(15:56):
And I did.
Dr Edward (16:01):
Yeah, I so agree with that.
You know you need to do thehard things when life is easy.
Then it's easy to do the hardthings when life is challenging,
because you've already builtthat muscle up and certainly
that's been my experience in mywhole journey of life.
So we might just kind of finishup with.
(16:22):
You have these Wolfie's Wishgrieving cards, which is a
resource that you've created forpeople that are moving through
the grieving process.
What are they?
How do they work?
Let's pull a few of them outand talk about it.
Erica Messer (16:36):
Great.
Yeah, I love that, thank you.
So this is a deck of 30 cardsand we have a few different
options, but all the text is thesame and the principle is the
same to just read one a day.
These are the new mini version,which is great for gifting and
they're super discreet in caseyou want to carry them around
throughout the day.
So this first one says my petwill always be in my memory, and
(16:59):
the back says when you're ready, have a small celebration of
life in a way that's meaningfulto you.
So these are really based onjust prompts, tools,
affirmations to kind offacilitate that healing journey,
and I think they're a greatcompliment to all the other
things that we just mentioned.
Dr Edward (17:18):
Okay, could you read out one or two more for us?
Erica Messer (17:21):
Sure, yeah, okay, I imagine my pet flying free and
happy.
I close my eyes and imagine mypet in total peace.
So a lot of us have guilt orfear or worry about the way our
pet passed, or maybe thosemonths leading up to it if they
were a senior and ill.
And so this is a yeah, thesetools are for us, but really to
(17:46):
alleviate some of that mentalanguish of okay, I'm going to
imagine my pet being free frompain and having all the
affection and treats and justkind of going into that place of
okay, I'm going to breathethrough this and I have peace,
knowing that they have peace.
Dr Edward (18:06):
That's a beautiful thing, isn't it?
And you know one thing, I'd saythat I've learned through
helping a lot of animals andpeople through this whole end of
life situations.
You know, euthanasia issomething that is a big part of
the veterinary work that we do.
Erica Messer (18:21):
Yeah.
Dr Edward (18:23):
I reckon about 40% of my new clients that come in
carrying a whole lot of guiltbecause they feel like they
helped their pet transition toosoon, I reckon about 40% are
holding about the same amount ofguilt because they feel like
they left it too late.
Yeah, and one thing that I mightjust leave you all with before
(18:45):
we wrap this episode up is myunderstanding of it is that the
moment that you have come to thepoint of decision and you help
your pet go to sleep ortransition, it's just a point of
inevitability and thatparticular time has just been
the absolute perfect time foryou and your pet.
(19:05):
It's not too soon, it's not toolate If you are holding any
guilt around that really beingwilling to forgive yourself and
forgiving yourself, which isvery simple and easy thing to do
.
We make it really hard, I think, as humans, but if you can
forgive it, well, I'm not goingto say if you can, you can
forgive yourself, yeah, and thesooner you do, that'll really
(19:25):
help you move through yourgrieving process a lot more
quickly too, I think.
Erica Messer (19:29):
I agree.
One of the cards is I'm willingto let go of feeling guilty,
and the other side says I havepeace, knowing that I did the
best I could with what I had atthe time.
And that includes we all gotprofessional opinions, we all
did the best we could andgoogled things and talked to
people.
So we berate ourselves overthat.
(19:52):
Our pets were so lucky to haveus care to that level that we
could give them the best care wecould find, and so I think
there's beauty in that andrealizing that, oh, the guilt
isn't serving me, the guilt isactually hurting me.
Dr Edward (20:08):
Yes, okay.
Was there one thing you'd liketo leave us all with before we
say goodbye from this episode?
Erica Messer (20:16):
Oh, thank you.
I think just letting peopleknow your grief is valid and
it's important, but you can movethrough it and have your life
back and also love more animals.
It's okay to adopt more at theright time.
I know that was two things, butthey're important.
Dr Edward (20:33):
Beautiful Thanks, erica.
It's been lovely having thisconversation with you.
It's really important, and allof you give your pets a pat for
us and hopefully we'll see yousoon in another episode.
Erica Messer (20:43):
Thank you so much You're welcome.
Thank you so much, you'rewelcome, thank you.
Hello everybody.
I'm Dr Edward the Healing Bit.
We've got Erica Messer here asour guest today on the podcast
which is Pets, people andHarmony podcast also Whole
Energy, body Balance.
So, erica, your passion ishelping people move through and
heal, I suppose with grief afterlosing pets.
(00:47):
Could you talk about yourselfand what you do and how you got
to doing what you do?
Erica Messer (00:53):
Sure, thank you, and thank you for having me.
Basically, I've been a musicianmy whole life and I lost my pet
tragically, and suddenlyWolfgang, and my mom and I
couldn't find a lot of tools andresources.
I was reaching out to her forhelp, so I ended up just doing a
lot of meditation and coming upwith my own practices.
(01:16):
And here we are.
Dr Edward (01:21):
I know that it's something that I work with a lot
as a veterinarian, and I findthat people often have
unresolved pet grief thatthey've been lugging around for
decades, years, decades, a longtime and often very large
amounts of it.
What do you think our societyis like when it comes to
(01:42):
supporting people through petgrief?
Erica Messer (01:46):
Well, I think it's minimized and unfortunately, I
think a lot of people that don'thave pets try to dictate how
we're allowed to grieve.
And if you think about it, inour lifetime pets have gone from
being protectors and keptoutside to where we're now
(02:06):
having birthday parties for dogsand celebrating the birthdays
of our cats and all pets really.
So there's been a really bigshift, I think, in how we're
treating and looking at animalsand the human-animal bond.
So to grieve the loss of a petis like losing a family member,
(02:30):
and at least it was for me.
And since I've reached out toother people, even around the
world, I have found that theylean in and whisper and will say
you know, I grieve the loss ofmy dog more than my parents
which isn't to say it is not tosay that we don't love our
parents.
But let's look at we're with ourpets 24-7 for years and we see
(02:53):
our families a couple times ayear.
I see mine twice a year, soit's a different dynamic, right?
And I think, those things arein the process of changing even
more, so we really need to honorour animals and treat them like
family and help other peopleunderstand that it is valid and
(03:19):
it is needed to.
I think it needs to be treatedjust like anything else, with
solutions.
Dr Edward (03:27):
Yeah, my feeling on that is that, well, the kind of
bond and relationship you havewith your pets is so much less
complicated than that that youhave with your human family.
Humans have all sorts of weirdbehaviors and traumas and if
you've grown up with yourparents, often they've got into
generational trauma and youmight love them but you might
(03:51):
not like them very muchSometimes.
I think family can be a bitlike that.
So, yeah, let's get to it.
I can see that too, that in thelight.
Well, certainly since I startedbeing a veterinarian some 28
years ago, I think there's beena huge change in the role that
animals play.
Now I don't actually dobirthday parties for my pets.
(04:14):
Maybe I'm still a little bit ofa country boy who doesn't get
into that sort of thing, but Ilove them heaps and they're a
really big part of my life.
I also see too that for singlewomen who haven't had children,
I think pets become far moreemotionally important to those
(04:34):
kinds of women than anyonerealises, except the people who
are experiencing the grief whenthey lose them.
Erica Messer (04:39):
I suppose Absolutely, and I think the same
thing goes for senior citizensthat maybe that's their only
real family or companion, or Imean it's applicable to men as
well.
Our home is a childless homeand my husband grieves as well.
He grieves differently and Ithink grief is processed
(05:02):
differently by everyone.
There are some stages of griefthat are common but, like you
said, circumstances really doplay a difference, and
millennials now are waiting tohave children, if at all, and so
the pets really fill that spaceof something to take care of
and love unconditionally andhave that love in return.
Dr Edward (05:26):
That can be both good and bad for the pets, I find,
because often women's kind ofinfantilise the animals and
don't necessarily treat them ina species appropriate way.
But that's probably aconversation for another day.
So obviously you losing yourbeautiful cat was really really
powerful experience for you andprobably not a very comfortable.
(05:47):
Powerful experience we oftentalk about in this podcast, the
one thing that you can sharethat will help people change
their life for the better.
So for you, what would that be?
Particularly because we'retalking about pet grief?
Erica Messer (06:06):
Wow, it's really hard to summarise one thing, but
I think what comes to mind isthat I'm lovable just the way I
am.
My pet loved me, regardless ifI had a shower during COVID or
was in a bad mood.
They just want to cuddle andhang out, and friends Not so
(06:29):
much.
That's not to say that myfriends don't love me, but it's
different.
And so to know that that bondis special to everyone and
therefore the grief is alsosignificant and it's okay.
You don't have to question yoursanity, there are helpful
(06:53):
resources.
So that love is strong and itdeserves to be honoured.
Dr Edward (06:58):
I know that I experienced a lot of grief at
the end of my second marriage.
It left me a total mess.
Thank you so much for beingwith us so much.
I was such a mess that Ifinally had to ask for help for
the first time in my life.
Really, so do you think that'sa helpful thing?
If people are being, if you'rereally having challenges with
(07:19):
grieving process, what kinds ofhelp should people seek?
Erica Messer (07:24):
Oh, absolutely, and I'm sorry to hear that, but
I am glad that you reached out.
I think asking close friendsand family first and opening up
a conversation about gettinghelp is the first step and then
deciding me personally, I neededprofessional help.
I was having suicidal ideationand I was really, really worried
(07:50):
about my mental health.
I do have mental illness so Ididn't want to, you know, affect
, I didn't want the grief toaffect that and had a lot at
stake.
So for me, reaching out to aprofessional was the best thing.
But really we spent a lot oftime just talking about how I'm
(08:11):
normal and my grief was normal,which was really hard for me to
understand.
So you know, there are supportgroups.
I've started a support group onFacebook which is free and so
really finding, asking oneselfwhat do I need to do to heal?
What kind of help do I want?
Do I want to read a book?
Do I want to talk with otherpeople?
Do I want to remain anonymousand be in a Facebook group where
(08:35):
I can post without my name, youknow?
Do I want a professional, amental health professional?
So, just opening up theconversation, I think one can
find the solutions that willwork for them and for me.
Doing simple daily practiceswas really good for me, and so
(08:56):
that's how my grieving cardsevolved was just something
simple and digestible.
I didn't have the capacity toread a book or get into anything
really in depth.
Dr Edward (09:08):
Okay and Okay Okay.
I've been working with someoneover the last six months or so
who has a really terriblehistory of trauma and other
(09:30):
things complex post-traumaticstress and she had a support dog
.
The support dog died and turnsout that people that have this
really complex post-combat levelpost-traumatic stress that have
(09:53):
support dogs lots of them docommit suicide after they lose
their support dogs.
It's a big thing.
I just want to mention that ifanyone is out there and you have
lost an animal, if you do losean animal and you really are
(10:14):
struggling, do please reach outfor help, call a hotline if
nothing else, there's lots ofhotlines that if you're having
suicidal ideation I had onenight of suicidal ideation when
my marriage broke down and myunderstanding of the whole
suicide type thing is that theemotional distress is so extreme
(10:37):
that you just feel like dyingwould be better.
That certainly was myexperience.
I just want to let you knowthat if you have that level of
discomfort in your being, thereare people who can help you move
through it, come out the otherside, be functional and be okay
and re-engage with joy in life.
It is possible.
I just wanted to say thatbecause it's super important.
(10:59):
Thank you.
Erica Messer (11:00):
Thank you for sharing that and being
vulnerable with us.
It's uncomfortable to talkabout there's a lot of stigma
around that but I think it'simportant to acknowledge it.
Dr Edward (11:10):
Absolutely.
Let me ask you what sort ofthings do you do with people to
help them through their journeyof losing a pet and coming
through the grief?
I reckon grief is a big seriesof storms that you can see on
the radar that you're going tocome in and sweep over you, and
(11:33):
you've just got to find a way toget through them.
Erica Messer (11:36):
That's beautiful.
That's exactly what I call themtoo.
I call them grief storms.
You see them coming.
You've got to just like in theocean.
You're under the wave insteadof fighting the wave, and then
you get to calm again.
It's scary, it's terrifying,because nobody wants that.
We don't want to feel bad.
Moving through grief is exactlywhat you have to do.
(11:58):
I connect people with theresources they need.
I myself am not a griefcounselor, but I work with
several all across the world.
We work with someone, tracyWoods, from Pet Eden in Perth,
and I've got Carrie Kearns inEngland.
They're admins to my privateFacebook group.
(12:20):
We try to provide answers andsupport for people in that group
, kind of around the clock andfrom different perspectives.
That's one thing that I invitepeople to do is to join that
Also.
On my website there's a lot offree resources.
Like I said, finding thesolution that works for one is
(12:40):
oneself is important.
If you want a book or you wantto listen to a podcast or watch
some YouTube videos or read ablog or reach out to a counselor
one-on-one, there's all ofthose options available.
I really love connecting andproviding those type of
resources, because I was juststuck with Google going okay,
(13:03):
how does one recover from petloss grief?
What options are there?
It's overwhelming to try tonavigate that.
That's why I think it's good tohave support from friends and
family or even your HRdepartment or whoever you feel
comfortable combining in to findthose solutions and to help you
dig through what's available.
Dr Edward (13:24):
Okay.
So self-care is reallyimportant when it comes to
getting through your life andyou know, the better you get at
self-care and the easy times ofyour life, the more you're going
to have that self-care musclewhen you get to the more
challenging times.
So what do you do for self-careand what do you think is the
best kind of self-care that youcan have to help you through
(13:45):
these difficult times?
Erica Messer (13:48):
Well, that's a brilliant insight and I couldn't
agree more.
Prior to losing Wolfgang, Ididn't really have any self-care
routines.
We were still in the pandemicand you know, we're all just
trying to get through the dayand adjust and still, you know,
work with, with being isolatedfor the most part.
And now, well, I definitelygave myself the time and space
(14:12):
and was lucky to have that toprocess the grief.
So I spent a lot of time injust quiet reflection.
I lit a candle to honorWolfgang, had a lot of tea, and
I just call it quiet time.
Some of the other practices Ihad were, you know, taking baths
just as long as I needed to,with all the stuff that appealed
(14:35):
to me, so bath salts,aromatherapy and really just
being gentle and kind to myself.
I think that grief affects thebody and mind and so to work
through tension and stressDefinitely getting massages if
you can afford it or, you know,going to salt rooms like
(14:57):
whatever appeals to you I thinkis a great solution.
Dr Edward (15:01):
It could be float tanks.
It could be getting into nature.
It could be exercise.
Exercise is a really importantthing, self-care thing, I find.
Erica Messer (15:12):
Yeah, and of course eating and eating
healthful foods is a no-brainer,but it's also, you know, some
people lose their appetite.
I did.
And even Reiki.
You know I'm a level two Reikipractitioner and so I was able
to kind of pull out all thetools that I had available and,
I have to say, a lot of thosethings didn't provide instant
(15:35):
relief.
I had to kind of sit with,being uncomfortable, even doing
self-care.
But I knew that my grief was ajourney and a process and
everyone promised me I wouldcome through the other side and
have joy again and enjoy lifeagain and get through those
really difficult emotions andpain.
(15:56):
And I did.
Dr Edward (16:01):
Yeah, I so agree with that.
You know you need to do thehard things when life is easy.
Then it's easy to do the hardthings when life is challenging,
because you've already builtthat muscle up and certainly
that's been my experience in mywhole journey of life.
So we might just kind of finishup with.
(16:22):
You have these Wolfie's Wishgrieving cards, which is a
resource that you've created forpeople that are moving through
the grieving process.
What are they?
How do they work?
Let's pull a few of them outand talk about it.
Erica Messer (16:36):
Great.
Yeah, I love that, thank you.
So this is a deck of 30 cardsand we have a few different
options, but all the text is thesame and the principle is the
same to just read one a day.
These are the new mini version,which is great for gifting and
they're super discreet in caseyou want to carry them around
throughout the day.
So this first one says my petwill always be in my memory, and
(16:59):
the back says when you're ready, have a small celebration of
life in a way that's meaningfulto you.
So these are really based onjust prompts, tools,
affirmations to kind offacilitate that healing journey,
and I think they're a greatcompliment to all the other
things that we just mentioned.
Dr Edward (17:18):
Okay, could you read out one or two more for us?
Erica Messer (17:21):
Sure, yeah, okay, I imagine my pet flying free and
happy.
I close my eyes and imagine mypet in total peace.
So a lot of us have guilt orfear or worry about the way our
pet passed, or maybe thosemonths leading up to it if they
were a senior and ill.
And so this is a yeah, thesetools are for us, but really to
(17:46):
alleviate some of that mentalanguish of okay, I'm going to
imagine my pet being free frompain and having all the
affection and treats and justkind of going into that place of
okay, I'm going to breathethrough this and I have peace,
knowing that they have peace.
Dr Edward (18:06):
That's a beautiful thing, isn't it?
And you know one thing, I'd saythat I've learned through
helping a lot of animals andpeople through this whole end of
life situations.
You know, euthanasia issomething that is a big part of
the veterinary work that we do.
Erica Messer (18:21):
Yeah.
Dr Edward (18:23):
I reckon about 40% of my new clients that come in
carrying a whole lot of guiltbecause they feel like they
helped their pet transition toosoon, I reckon about 40% are
holding about the same amount ofguilt because they feel like
they left it too late.
Yeah, and one thing that I mightjust leave you all with before
(18:45):
we wrap this episode up is myunderstanding of it is that the
moment that you have come to thepoint of decision and you help
your pet go to sleep ortransition, it's just a point of
inevitability and thatparticular time has just been
the absolute perfect time foryou and your pet.
(19:05):
It's not too soon, it's not toolate If you are holding any
guilt around that really beingwilling to forgive yourself and
forgiving yourself, which isvery simple and easy thing to do
.
We make it really hard, I think, as humans, but if you can
forgive it, well, I'm not goingto say if you can, you can
forgive yourself, yeah, and thesooner you do, that'll really
(19:25):
help you move through yourgrieving process a lot more
quickly too, I think.
Erica Messer (19:29):
I agree.
One of the cards is I'm willingto let go of feeling guilty,
and the other side says I havepeace, knowing that I did the
best I could with what I had atthe time.
And that includes we all gotprofessional opinions, we all
did the best we could andgoogled things and talked to
people.
So we berate ourselves overthat.
(19:52):
Our pets were so lucky to haveus care to that level that we
could give them the best care wecould find, and so I think
there's beauty in that andrealizing that, oh, the guilt
isn't serving me, the guilt isactually hurting me.
Dr Edward (20:08):
Yes, okay.
Was there one thing you'd liketo leave us all with before we
say goodbye from this episode?
Erica Messer (20:16):
Oh, thank you.
I think just letting peopleknow your grief is valid and
it's important, but you can movethrough it and have your life
back and also love more animals.
It's okay to adopt more at theright time.
I know that was two things, butthey're important.
Dr Edward (20:33):
Beautiful Thanks, erica.
It's been lovely having thisconversation with you.
It's really important, and allof you give your pets a pat for
us and hopefully we'll see yousoon in another episode.
Erica Messer (20:43):
Thank you so much You're welcome.
Thank you so much, you'rewelcome, thank you.
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