September 15, 2025 • 37 mins
We explore why we always feel behind in life regardless of our accomplishments and how to break free from arbitrary timelines.
• Social media creates unrealistic comparisons as we see others' curated highlights without the struggles
• Childhood expectations of adulthood often don't match reality, creating feelings of inadequacy
• Economic realities today make traditional milestones harder to achieve than for previous generations
• Unlike childhood development, adulthood isn't linear—it has cycles, seasons, and no clear endpoint
• Early parentification can lead to burnout and difficulty finding satisfaction in adult achievements
• Internalized shame can be paralyzing when we believe we're fundamentally behind or inadequate
• Creating a vision board helps define personal values separate from societal expectations
• Notice when inspiration crosses into comparison—your body gives signals when social media becomes harmful
• Time only moves forward—there's no going backward, just moments of struggle within forward movement
• Success isn't a checklist but a journey that changes as your values and perspective evolve
Thank you for listening to Why Am I Like This! If you like our show, please leave us a rating and review on your favorite podcast platform. Follow the show and share it with your friends.
Laura's Free Course on Emotional Development and Regulation:
https://benavieri.com/neuroception-sign-up/
This show is sponsored by:
Core Self
Benavieri Counseling & Coaching
www.benavieri.com
Active Healing Psychiatric Services
www.activehealingpsych.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Laura (00:03):
Hello and welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
The podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child?
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist.
Michaela (00:13):
And I'm Michaela Beaver.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner.
Laura (00:18):
So, Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:21):
I'm so glad you asked.
We want to help you understandyourself a bit better, how the
things you learned aboutyourself and the world and
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this, those random
things about ourselves you mightwonder about, like why am I so
jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
(00:41):
Why am I so jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all the time?
Laura (00:52):
Yes, and today we're talking about feeling behind in
life, and we're going to try toanswer the following questions
why do I feel like I'm so behind, why do I buy into these
cultural pressures and how do Ibreak out of this arbitrary
timeline?
So let's get started.
Why do we feel like this?
(01:14):
Why do we feel like we'rebehind, no matter where we
actually are?
Michaela (01:20):
Well, I think, I mean I hope in part that this is like
a good thing kind of too,because this is kind of a sign
that maybe we have goals and wehave aspirations.
So I'm going to flip this onthe positive and say that it's
actually maybe a little bit of agood thing.
But I think that, you know,when we live in this society
(01:42):
where we're always on Instagramand we're we're scrolling
through and we can see all theperfection of all these other
people and all these otherthings that people are attaining
, and you know, how does thatperson have a huge house and a
boat and drive a fancy car and I, like, I'm barely getting, I
can barely afford my you knowToyota, can barely afford my you
(02:08):
know Toyota.
And so we see all these thingsand we think, how are they doing
it?
Why can't I do it?
And so then I think that that,like, that's one of the reasons
why we feel really far behind.
We can never get ahead.
Laura (02:16):
Yeah, that makes so much sense.
Like I, as you're sharing thisreason, I'm thinking to myself I
can totally relate with theInstagram of it all right now,
like when I see other people.
I mean, as you know, I own atherapy practice and then we own
core self, so we're trying tobuild that we just started and
we're like in this growth phaseright, so we're trying to do
(02:38):
marketing.
So I see all these posts fromother practice owners and other
therapists and I'm and they justlook like they have it all
together and I'm just like, oh,I want that many followers or I
want that much success.
I want to see that and I canrelate to as um.
Like I never really was able torelate as a mom with, like the
(02:59):
mom fluencer life because I hadkids before Facebook was
invented.
I had kids before the iPhonewas invented, so, so I didn't.
I luckily didn't have to dealwith that stuff back then and so
I could never really relate.
But now that I'm in thisposition where I'm trying to
(03:19):
grow my business, baby, I'mstruggling to get out of my head
and and not get sucked in tothis like they're doing better
than me kind of thought process,like I'm feeling behind, even
though I never really felt thatbefore.
Michaela (03:37):
Yeah, that's such a good point.
I remember, like, even thoughsocial media was around, when I
had kids, I think, like I triedto do this beach body thing back
in the day because I was boredand alone and all around me had
kids and I didn't have kids.
I wasn't ready to have kids.
I wasn't sitting there thinkinglike, oh, why can't I have all
(04:00):
these things, but I was likewhat can I do to, like you know,
spend my time?
So then I did feel that waywhen I was on social media all
the time trying to post, tryingto, you know, look at everything
and connect with people and,like before I even had kids, I
realized that that, like thatwasn't for me because it was so
(04:21):
much work, it was so intense andso overwhelming.
And I remember my husbandlooking at me being like, hello,
are you here, are you going tojoin the conversation?
Like you're on your phone allthe time.
And that's when I realized likeI couldn't, it wasn't right for
me, because I got sucked intoit and it was just too, it was
(04:43):
just too much, and so I haven'treally lived my life being that
like social mode, like socialmedia, posting mom, and that I
feel like is really freeing.
I can spend time being presentwith my family and that feels so
much more natural for me.
But I can see how people getsucked into those, those
thoughts, and I think, like whenwe look at you know, we're, you
(05:10):
know in our 20s and we're like,why can't I just get through
school, why can't I just getthrough this?
Like I'm just I'm waiting forthat next step, because I think
that in part, maybe we thinkthat like we're going to feel
better or like more fulfilled orsomething when we get to that
next step, when we get thathouse like and we have that
(05:30):
house like it's going to beamazing, but then that ends up
just being more work and moremoney because it decorate a home
right Like I don't know.
So I think like we're alwayslike trying to look for the next
thing to build.
I don't know.
So I think like we're alwayslike trying to look for the next
thing to build like to makeyourself feel happy.
Laura (05:48):
Yeah, there's so many angles that come up for me in
this context, like why do I feelso behind one?
Because I'm comparing myself toeveryone else too, because I
had this vision for myself whenI was a kid, and now I feel like
maybe I'm operating as like akid or a teenager, pretending to
(06:09):
be an adult.
Like I say this all the time,right, like, are you pretending
to be an adult right now or areyou actually an adult right now?
And we'd be surprised at howoften our system is like
internally just operating aslike a teenager pretending to be
an adult.
And the fact that I'm notwalking around in like high
heels, a pencil skirt and abriefcase means that I haven't
(06:29):
like achieved my adult dreams.
Right, because that's what Ithought an adult looked like.
You know, I would read likeElle magazine or whatever, and
so I'm literally in scrubs today, guys.
And so I'm literally in scrubstoday guys.
Scrubs are very adult as well.
I think that's another versionof like the professional adult
(06:50):
is scrubs.
But thinking about that whenyou're a kid, you sort of
project this image of like whatdoes adulthood look like?
You've got the house, you'vegot the kids, you've got the
stuff and you know you neverreally readjust what's reality.
You sort of just project thislike well, that's what an adult
(07:12):
is like and I have thisconversation with clients all
the time like what did you thinkan adult looked like when you
were a kid?
And most of the time it's thatit's like your briefcase, your
whatever.
And if you don't have thatstuff, then you just feel like
you're, you're failing orflailing and you haven't quite
made it yet.
Michaela (07:29):
That's so funny because neither of my parents
brought up like a briefcase orwore like fancy clothes to work.
My dad had a uniform, like hewent to like his job every day.
My mom worked at a school likeneither of them had that, but
like I still.
Where did we get this idea thatthat's what we're supposed to
(07:49):
look like, because neither of myparents looked like that.
But yeah, I still am with you,like the dream of being that
fancy person wearing high heels,which no, and I, you know.
I did live that life for a longtime.
Laura (08:02):
And I, you know, I did live that life for a long time
and I feel now like I'm likeI've gone like backwards
sometimes, like I spent my timewhen I was going to school.
You know, in order to putmyself through school, I worked
in corporate and so I had thiscorporate job and I became
successful because I had to goto school for eight years to do
(08:22):
this.
So like over that long time, Iwas able to become successful.
So like I wore the suit, I worethe, I brought the briefcase,
like I had all that stuff, andnow I'm in jeans and a black t
shirt or like a white t shirtliterally every single day and I
almost feel like I've likeregressed, I'm like less
advanced than I used to bebecause I just don't have that
(08:44):
like professional businessattire.
Maybe I should just startwearing suits again to work.
I don't want to do that.
Michaela (08:52):
Sometimes maybe.
But like, don't you feel likeyou're more relatable to clients
when you look like a normalperson?
Right, that's what I tellmyself.
I wear scrubs to work.
That's right to work, that'sright.
But I think what I'm hearingyou say is that this can be a
really normal feeling that a lotof people who are in their
(09:14):
twenties, thirties, forties,whatever we we often feel like
we're behind, like we haven'tmet that.
Mark, you know, it was funny.
I had a conversation with mymom the other day and she was
like, yeah, you said you wantedto be a dentist and then that
that that was better than, youknow, being a gynecologist or
whatever you know, looking atteeth all day was better than
(09:35):
being a gynecologist.
That that was what I wasthinking.
I was like I never rememberthinking that, like I don't
remember this conversation atall, but like to have thought,
like to be thinking those thingsand like I was already having
these like huge aspirations.
Even then, yeah, I love thatthose are your choices.
Like I mean, I think I wasprobably just being sassy, but
(09:59):
and I said something funny aboutgynecology, but you know, yeah,
right, like there's probablyit's better off if you are
looking at one than the other, Ithink.
Laura (10:11):
I think it's interesting .
We all sort of like set thesevisions right, we have this kind
of idea of what our life issupposed to be like, and then,
when our life isn't there, wefeel like it's, there's
something wrong.
But what we're not doing inthat moment is recognizing the
greatness of what our lifeactually is, right, like so, um,
(10:32):
in therapy recently, I wastalking to my therapist about
this and I said, you know, likethis isn't what I thought things
would look like at this stagein my life.
Like my kid, my youngest son,just turned 18.
And so now I'm, you know, goingthrough this phase of life where
I may become an empty nesterand I'm like I should be like I
(10:55):
in my head.
I'm like I should be retired bythe time my kids are grown.
I should be like so comfortableI should be vacationing all the
time, like now that they'regoing to be out of the house,
they don't need me anymore.
Like here's all these thingsthat I expected of myself at
that time, and now that's notthe way that it is.
But by taking away from what myactual life is, which is pretty
(11:21):
great, like we're starting.
We have this business thatwe're running together.
I have my primary, my primarypractice and you know I have
these three great kids who grewup and who are doing great and
you know, when we think abouthow behind we are, we're really
discrediting the greatness ofthe present.
Michaela (11:41):
Yeah, I love that, I love that idea.
I think that, like you know,you're in such a different phase
of life and right now, I'm likeI can't wait for my kids to get
older, like I can't wait forthis next stage, so that we can
feel like we're not chasing ourtails all the time, and I think
that, like you know, it shouldbe easier than this, right.
(12:03):
And so I think that, like forme, I'm also doing the same
thing.
It's just that, like I'mwishing my life, my kids, lives
away, because I'm ready for thenext phase, I'm ready for the
next thing.
I want things to get easier, andthe reality, I think, is what
I'm learning, is that it doesn'tever actually get easier.
It's just a hard thing thatyou're trying to get through,
(12:27):
right, like right now, it's liketrying to get kids to this
place and that place, but thatdoesn't change, it doesn't it?
That changes to like adifferent thing.
It's now it's sports, now it'sthis other thing, and so I think
, um, we're just constantlywanting to.
I think we're just constantlywanting to.
(12:49):
I think our brains are lazy andlike, in part, they want to
just be taking the easy road andso, like right now, it feels so
hard and it's like, well, Iwant to be where it's not hard,
or I should be where it's nothard.
Do you think that's true?
Laura (13:00):
I do.
I think it's almost like I'mlooking for this light at the
end of the tunnel, and that'sthe other thing I was going to
say about why do we feel likewe're behind is because we're
always looking for what's next,kind of like you said in the
beginning, and then what wedon't necessarily realize as
adults is that there is no endexcept for death.
As a child, there's an actualend to childhood, like you grow
(13:26):
up and you become an adult, solike there's a light at there's
this end of the road that you'realways looking for.
You're always waiting, likeonce I'm an adult, once I'm an
adult, once I'm an adult.
And then, once you're an adult,you're always looking for like
that next thing that's going tolike offer you some sort of like
primary relief from thestressors that you're
experiencing.
Right, and we don't have thatas adults, except for literal,
(13:51):
like we're done when we die,like there's no end, yeah, but
even in retirement, right.
Like I can think about athousand things to be stressed
about.
I mean, just just ask, I'llgive you a list there about a
thousand things to be stressedabout.
I mean, just ask, I'll give youa list.
There's a thousand things thatwe can stress about when we're
retired.
There's a thousand things, youknow.
Like I was saying, I thoughtthat this would be different,
(14:12):
like when my kids are older I'mstill so stressed about, like
the wellbeing of my children.
We just have a lot less controlover their environment now.
So it's just one of thosethings, like you said, it
doesn't get easier, it just getsdifferently hard.
And when we're young there's anend in sight.
(14:33):
So we're always looking forthat.
But when we're an adult we'rethinking okay, I'll get relief
when X, y, z happens.
I'll get relief at this nextstage.
I'll get relief at this nextstage.
But what we're not doing isliving day to day.
This is the journey of growthand development and ebbs and
flows and seasons and cycles.
Michaela (14:54):
It's not a linear progression, the way childhood
is, and I think we don't realizethat well, and I think maybe we
learned that lesson, or thatwe're told, we're basically kind
of taught some of these ideasin childhood as to be like
always looking for what's next,what's next, what's next, you
(15:14):
know?
Are you gonna like you need tomake it to this point to be
happy, right, instead of beinglike wow, like I just finished a
year of college, that's amazing.
Like look at me, I did, I didit and I grabbed, like I got, I
got through that year.
I haven't graduated yet, butlike okay, one more year down,
okay, kind of like breakingthose things apart and
(15:35):
emphasizing like how good itfelt to like actually clean our
room and have a clean house fora moment, right, none of that
lasts when you have children.
It's literally a tornado wentthrough five minutes later, but
in that moment you're like yes,look at me, I vacuumed and I got
(15:59):
things done.
Laura (15:59):
Yeah, yeah, we want to take some time to enjoy each
experience that we're havingwhen we're having it, instead of
looking back and thinking abouthow, like we look back with
nostalgia or we look back withregret, versus looking presently
, now and saying, like I'menjoying this today, like, oh,
how cool, we get to record ourpodcast today, I get to chat
with you, I know I'm going tosee you tomorrow, so I'm so
(16:20):
excited, like just kind of likebeing in that moment and then
experiencing what we'reexperiencing is a way to
remember that there is no behind, because we're exactly where
we're supposed to be and we'reworking towards what we're
working towards.
Michaela (16:39):
Yeah, I know, I always tell clients it doesn't matter
how long it takes you to getthere, as long as you get there
right.
Because you're not going to belike, well, I mean, yeah, sure,
maybe there's some things likeyou haven't made partner yet
because you start you onlystarted a year ago, whatever.
But like there, for the mostpart you're not going to look
back and be like man, you know,it took me so long to get here
(17:02):
and I'm so mad about that, Likeit's like I got here, I should
be happy that I'm here.
And in five years you're notgoing to be like, oh man, that
one extra year that it took toget through that.
You know you're not going to bebeating yourself up, you're
just going to be moving on tothe next goal Right, you're
(17:25):
going to move on to the nextgoal.
Laura (17:26):
That's the thing, and you know we get sucked into
these like cultural norms,instead of really defining our
own norms we don't really setlike.
There's not very many people outthere who say I mean, a lot of
us do like a vision board everyyear or something like that, but
I don't know how many peoplereally think what are my values
Like?
What do I actually care about inmy life?
What are, like, the five topvalues that I hold, that I like
(17:48):
that are maybe different from myparents, are different from
society and they're just mineand they're like what I want to
embed in my life, instead ofjust looking at everyone else
and being like, oh, they looklike they're doing great, I feel
like I'm doing crappy.
You know we're that culturalpressure to conform and like be
they look like they're doinggreat, I feel like I'm doing
crappy.
You know we're that culturalpressure to conform and like, be
like everyone else and like fitin and do what other people are
(18:10):
doing and do things the quoteunquote traditional way or the
right way.
You know, in order to break outof that, we have to set our own
standards.
We have to say what matters tous and like create our own
values.
Michaela (18:22):
Yeah, I love that.
I also think, you know, maybethere's some truth and, like our
feelings of seeing we're behind, or like feeling anxious or
nervous about those things,maybe that's like evidence or
like something information, likethat, this it matters to you.
So if you're feeling like youknow, man, I'm not up for that
(18:44):
promotion that I'm supposed toget, instead of just being mad
that like you're behind and thatyou didn't, you're not going to
reach it in time, whatever, putyourself on that vision board
or that like goal, like set somegoals and be like, ok, well,
what?
Here's my end goal.
I want to do this thing.
How do I get there?
What are the?
You know, maybe I need to talkto my manager and figure out
(19:07):
what are ways that I can, youknow, succeed at getting this
promotion or whatever.
And so then you start trying todo those things to reach the
goal and instead of focusing onI'm being late or being behind,
how do I get there?
Laura (19:24):
Creating steps and systems that you can put in
place in order to accomplishthose things that you want to
accomplish.
I think sometimes, when we feelbehind, what we're doing is
we're really distracting fromthe anxiety and like the
pressure that we feel, we'rekind of saying, oh, I'm just
behind.
It's almost like focusing onbeing behind distracts us from
(19:46):
being like moving ahead and it'salmost like a coping mechanism
to distract from like thefeeling of, of, of fear, the
feeling of, you know, the painof growth, the, the uncertainty,
the insecurity.
Like it's easier to maybe feelbehind than it is to be
(20:08):
vulnerable and put yourself outthere and that's scarier.
Michaela (20:12):
Because you could literally do the things that you
should be doing to reach thatnext step and still not make it
Right.
So it's that's a scary thing toput yourself out there for,
because what if I don't make?
Laura (20:24):
it right, right, like what if I fail?
I think a fear of failure putsa lot of people in a spot where
they feel behind and they're notable to move forward and take
and they're like setting.
They're experiencing all thesesetbacks and they're saying, you
know, they're only doing ithalfway, they're only putting
out enough to like just barelytake a step, but they're not
actually achieving those goalsbecause they're afraid to really
(20:47):
go all out.
Michaela (20:49):
Yeah, well, I also think that it's harder to reach
goals now than it was 10 yearsago.
I mean remember it was $10 tofill up my tank with gas when I
first started driving.
I like things are just reallymore expensive right now.
People are having a harder timebuying their first home because
it takes a lot more to get thefinancial capital built up to
(21:12):
buy a home.
There's real reasons why peopleare having a harder time making
those big moves and then thatmakes them feel bad as well, and
I think that emotionally, youknow, I know technology is
amazing and really reallyhelpful, right, but at the same
(21:33):
time, you know we're not gettingthe social connections.
Maybe we're not emotionally asdeveloped as what we could have
been because we weren'tconnecting with people face to
face as much, and so now we'rehaving to play catch up
emotionally in adulthood andthat's taking a little bit
longer to figure out what wewant and to make those moves and
(21:56):
things like that, just becauseof you know the way that we do
things now.
Laura (22:04):
Yeah, when we are thinking about now versus the
past, when things wereeconomically different, when our
parents or their parents werecoming of age and you know how
many people were having kids andgetting married at like 20 and
moving out into their own houseand like having this career and
(22:24):
like pensions, and there were somany different opportunities
that don't exist anymore, wherewe have to be a little bit more
creative, we have to think aboutthe world is a different place.
Where do I fit in that?
What does that look like for meand what do I think being a
successful adult looks like?
And it's not bad that it's notthe same thing as what my
(22:47):
parents had.
Michaela (22:49):
Or what my parents think I should have.
Laura (22:54):
Yes, I think a lot of we're antiquated.
Our thoughts about what shouldbe possible for kids today, I
think, are antiquated.
You know, my son is one of mykids, is my oldest, he's 21.
And he still lives at home andI wrestle right, Like I kind of
(23:14):
go back and forth like is he tooold?
Is this okay?
I don't, is he behind?
I don't know.
You know, and right now, Ithink, in this environment, to
your point, there is a lot ofroom for him to take the next
few years and save and put awaythree years worth of rent before
he moves out of the house.
(23:35):
Right, Because there, you know,things do change and things are
a lot more expensive and it isa different environment than
when I was, you know, coming upand I had my rent was $600, you
know like that's unheard of.
Michaela (23:50):
I know I'm in a tear, I know the other thing that I
feel like sometimes can happentoo, is like and you kind of
alluded to this a little bit,but, like you know, am I a kid
pretending to be an adult kindof thing but like early
parentification, like feeling soresponsible for things early on
(24:14):
before really that's time to bethinking that way or worrying
about those things, those things.
I think that that can lead tonot only burnout and then that
can slow personal developmentlater, but it also puts your own
like desires on hold.
You're not thinking about whatdo I really want, you're just
(24:35):
trying to take care of everybodyelse around you.
And so you're delaying the likegoal setting and the experiment
with like, what do I want to be?
How do I want to live my life,what are my goals, like.
So some of those things are puton hold because you have to be
the adult so early on, and Ithink that that can also lead to
(24:56):
some of the, the delay in ummeeting what.
What they believe is like thosemilestones that they should be
meeting or whatever.
Laura (25:08):
No, I agree with that.
I think when there's a childwho has all the responsibility
during childhood, then likeachievement becomes less
satisfying in adulthood, right,because we're it's like I've
been doing this the whole time.
Yeah, where's my value, where'smy accolades, where's my reward
(25:33):
?
Like this is just normal, thisis just what I'm supposed to do,
I was expected to do this, andthat's.
The other thing is likeparental expectations.
If your parents expect you totake these next steps and get
all A's and do all these thingswithout rewarding you for that
same thing, for with like theexpectation without validation,
(25:54):
I think is really um, trains youto not reward yourself later on
that's interesting.
Michaela (26:05):
I also wonder too, if, like what if that pressure just
leads to failure, and then thatjust leads to more pressure on
yourself?
Now the parents aren't puttingthe pressure on, but the
person's putting pressure onthemselves and can never feel
like they're good enough.
Laura (26:27):
I think that's absolutely right.
I think when we are sort ofpressured into a life, a
direction that we didn't chooseautonomy matters when we didn't
choose the direction that we'regoing, when we were forced into
the expectations and therequirements and the role that
we're playing, it makes itreally hard for us to feel
(26:49):
present and feel connected toour role.
And when we're not connected,we're just going through the
motions and we're not motivatedand then we can fail, like it's
much easier to fail.
And when I'm not motivated tolike get up and go and work
harder, then I'm not going to besuccessful and then that leads
to so much shame.
(27:11):
Yes, totally yeah, you have thatinternalized shame that
something's wrong with you, yeah, yeah.
Michaela (27:20):
Yeah, and that is hard to overcome when we have that
deep internal sense of shamethat's paralyzing almost, I
would assume.
Laura (27:32):
Yeah, it is, and it can be for people who just are, you
know, feeling it so deeply thatit's it's hard to overcome.
And when we haven't had theexperience of emotional
exploration as kids, I thinksometimes that internalized
shame just gets to be too muchand we don't really have an
(27:54):
outlet and we don't really havea way to experience that shame
without being consumed by it.
Michaela (28:03):
Yeah, that's good.
So we want people to kind ofreclaim their own timeline, you
know, reset those expectationsand realize that, like paths are
not linear, they're they, theydon't have to be linear.
Sometimes they can be right.
(28:24):
There.
Some people are going to followthat normal trajectory of
things, but maybe, maybe you'renot.
People are going to school,back to school in their 60s
because they changed their mindand what they want to do with
their life.
Laura (28:36):
Right, like things, don't you know, things can
change and passions can changeover time even yeah, we have to
remember that there's cycles andseasons and ebbs and flows and
ups and downs with life.
Like, sometimes we just gothrough a hard season of life, a
different phase of life.
Anytime there's a transition,things can feel really
(28:59):
challenging, daunting anddiscouraging.
When we're trying something new, those times of life are okay
and they don't mean that we'reset back right.
They don't mean that we've gone.
We can't go backwards, we can'tlike.
Time only ever moves forward.
So there's no such thing as asetback.
It's just a moment.
(29:19):
It's just a moment that is ofstruggle, and then you kind of
keep going forward because youhave everything that you have
learned up until this point,that all those resources and
tools stay with you and you canbring them into the future with
you.
Michaela (29:32):
Yeah, I love that.
I've been using that a lot whenI talk to people since you said
that, because I think that it'sso important and I think that
people really resonate andconnect with that, because it's
scary to go backwards Like I.
You know that was really hard,that was a terrible thing.
I can, I'm scared of being backin that place and that fear can
(29:54):
be really really challengingfor people Like um, and they
don't realize that, like, theanxiety and the fear and the
things that they're that they'reexperiencing now, you know, are
just due to that thought ofbeing back there, not even
having to do with the ability toeven go back there.
Laura (30:15):
Yeah, sometimes it's I'm just having.
We have to go back to our andwe talked about this on the
episode about intrusive thoughts.
Like you know, we have toremember our thoughts are not
the reality, they don't shapethe reality we can be in.
We can examine the presentreality and contradict our
thoughts.
Our thoughts don't have to bethe ones to like lead the way.
(30:36):
Um, you know and I think to kindof go back to reclaiming your
timeline what we were talkingabout before, like creating a
vision board, exploring yourvalues, I'm a big fan of a
vision board.
I think I've probably mentionedit on other episodes.
It's like one of my favoritethings to do because it can be
so validating and it can be soempowering.
(30:59):
So, if it's, if you're notwanting to do like a board, a
vision board, you know maybemaking a list or writing down
some stuff, you know a littlejournal entry that kind of just
explains like I would like toachieve these things, you know,
just putting pen to paper andmaking those thoughts or those
(31:21):
visions, those ideas, justputting, making them a little
bit more real.
Michaela (31:26):
Yeah, I love that and I think that it's important to
also like it helps you imaginethat you've already accomplished
those things, right, you'relooking at like those things
maybe it's in picture form orwhatever and it kind of like
makes them feel more real foryou.
But I think it's important toknow that, like the end goal
(31:47):
might change 500 times and itdoesn't.
That part doesn't matter,because life isn't a checklist,
it's not trying to check off theboxes, and when we check off
the boxes, everything is greatand life is good and nothing
bad's gonna happen.
Because it's not true, right?
Like it's not a checklist andwe're going to change.
(32:10):
Our values change over time.
You, the way that we see theworld, changes over time, and so
I think it's more about likedefining your success in a
different way and looking at youas your success and trying to
find a more positive way ofthinking about it.
Laura (32:28):
Mm, hmm, yeah, and think , think differently about your
social media and the consumption, right, like, think differently
about the content that you'reputting in front of you.
Inspiration is not the samething as comparison, right?
So if you have these accountsthat you're following, that
you're inspired by, you know,take what you remember when
(32:50):
you're looking at that stuff,that this is inspiration and
it's not like a comparison.
It's not something that isdesigned for you to think that,
to be less than it's for you tolearn from, right?
So kind of thinking differentlyabout that can be really
helpful when you're in that downthat rabbit hole.
Michaela (33:07):
It's like a barometer, right.
It's like planning andpreparing or consuming this to
improve ourselves.
And then we reach a point andwe go over and now we're in like
comparison and like feelingself doubt.
And when you start noticingthat shift in your physical body
where you're like, oh, I feelicky now, I don't feel good,
(33:29):
like I'm feeling anxious, I'mfeeling like I've got to get up
and move, that's your bodytelling you like okay, we have
crossed the line now and we arein an unhelpful territory.
We, let's move on.
Laura (33:39):
Oh, yeah, that's such a good way to measure.
I.
I think the crossover fromappreciation to icky is a really
good indicator that things havegone too far and you need a
brain break from social mediacontent and, you know,
remembering too that what peopleput on social is just a
(34:03):
snapshot in time and it's alsowhat it's also curated it's.
This is what I want people tosee about me.
This is how I want people tofeel about me.
This is how I want people tofeel about me.
This is what I want people tothink about me.
It's not necessarilyrepresenting truth or accuracy
or you know, the present reality.
Michaela (34:25):
Yeah, and how many people do they have on their
team trying to curate thatcontent Like?
It's probably a lot more thanyou think.
Laura (34:33):
Right, especially when it comes to influencers and
companies like they're.
Those are teams of people thatare doing that work for them and
it's planned ahead and it's allthat.
And then, but if it's just yourneighborhood group or your
neighbors like, um, or peoplethat you know or your family
like, think about, those are Iwant people.
Like when people post on online, they think I want people to
(34:55):
see this about me because itmakes me feel good about myself
and it makes me feel and I thinkthey're going to like this.
I think people are going tolike this, right.
And so if in any moment of anyday, you think to yourself I
think people would like thisabout me, like that would be
good enough for social media,but like we just don't think
like that.
We're not posting all the time,we don't share our whole life,
but there's a thousand momentslike that in your life.
(35:16):
Remember that you have thosemoments too.
They're just not necessarilyonline and that's okay, right, I
think that maybe that would bea good journal entry, right Like
how many?
Michaela (35:29):
moments did I have during the day, Like writing
down moments during the day,Like write down, writing down
moments during the day that werelike social media worthy right.
Laura (35:37):
We didn't capture it but like this is what I would want
to put out there to the world,yeah, and this is what makes me
feel good about myself, andthat's the important part too.
Um, and you know, if there's anaccount that you see that
you're like, that you're alwayscomparing yourself to, and you
know, if there's an account thatyou see that you're like, that
you're always comparing yourselfto, and you just find it like
you've crossed the line intofinding it obnoxious instead of
(35:59):
inspiring, like go ahead andunfollow them, like you don't
need that in your life.
Michaela (36:05):
But I also think that like unfollow some of the old
thoughts that you had of whatyour life should have looked
like, because you know I thinkyou know whatever that was that
you thought when you were a kiddoesn't have to be your reality
right now, and so that like ideaof comparing yourself to this
(36:27):
idea of life isn't helpfuleither.
It's like okay, if I still wantthat, if I still think that
that's where I want to be, howdo I make that happen from here?
But like you can't go backwards, you can't have started and you
can't undo things Like where amI at now?
How do I control the thingsthat I can control?
Laura (36:50):
Yeah, I think that's a really good place to kind of
ground yourself in, for sure.
Well, I think that's a lovelyplace to end today.
Thank you so much for all ofthese tips and advice.
Um, I love this.
This is a great conversationand we will see you next time.
And thank you so much forlistening to why Am I Like this?
(37:13):
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform.
Follow the show and share itwith your friends.
This episode was written andproduced by me, laura Wood and
Michaela Beaver.
Our theme song is Making EndsNeat by Thick as Thieves.
A special thanks to Core SelfBenavieri Counseling and Active
(37:33):
Healing Psychiatric Services forsponsoring our show.
Hello and welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
The podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child?
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist.
Michaela (00:13):
And I'm Michaela Beaver.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner.
Laura (00:18):
So, Michaela, why are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:21):
I'm so glad you asked.
We want to help you understandyourself a bit better, how the
things you learned aboutyourself and the world and
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this, those random
things about ourselves you mightwonder about, like why am I so
jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
(00:41):
Why am I so jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything all the time?
Laura (00:52):
Yes, and today we're talking about feeling behind in
life, and we're going to try toanswer the following questions
why do I feel like I'm so behind, why do I buy into these
cultural pressures and how do Ibreak out of this arbitrary
timeline?
So let's get started.
Why do we feel like this?
(01:14):
Why do we feel like we'rebehind, no matter where we
actually are?
Michaela (01:20):
Well, I think, I mean I hope in part that this is like
a good thing kind of too,because this is kind of a sign
that maybe we have goals and wehave aspirations.
So I'm going to flip this onthe positive and say that it's
actually maybe a little bit of agood thing.
But I think that, you know,when we live in this society
(01:42):
where we're always on Instagramand we're we're scrolling
through and we can see all theperfection of all these other
people and all these otherthings that people are attaining
, and you know, how does thatperson have a huge house and a
boat and drive a fancy car and I, like, I'm barely getting, I
can barely afford my you knowToyota, can barely afford my you
(02:08):
know Toyota.
And so we see all these thingsand we think, how are they doing
it?
Why can't I do it?
And so then I think that that,like, that's one of the reasons
why we feel really far behind.
We can never get ahead.
Laura (02:16):
Yeah, that makes so much sense.
Like I, as you're sharing thisreason, I'm thinking to myself I
can totally relate with theInstagram of it all right now,
like when I see other people.
I mean, as you know, I own atherapy practice and then we own
core self, so we're trying tobuild that we just started and
we're like in this growth phaseright, so we're trying to do
(02:38):
marketing.
So I see all these posts fromother practice owners and other
therapists and I'm and they justlook like they have it all
together and I'm just like, oh,I want that many followers or I
want that much success.
I want to see that and I canrelate to as um.
Like I never really was able torelate as a mom with, like the
(02:59):
mom fluencer life because I hadkids before Facebook was
invented.
I had kids before the iPhonewas invented, so, so I didn't.
I luckily didn't have to dealwith that stuff back then and so
I could never really relate.
But now that I'm in thisposition where I'm trying to
(03:19):
grow my business, baby, I'mstruggling to get out of my head
and and not get sucked in tothis like they're doing better
than me kind of thought process,like I'm feeling behind, even
though I never really felt thatbefore.
Michaela (03:37):
Yeah, that's such a good point.
I remember, like, even thoughsocial media was around, when I
had kids, I think, like I triedto do this beach body thing back
in the day because I was boredand alone and all around me had
kids and I didn't have kids.
I wasn't ready to have kids.
I wasn't sitting there thinkinglike, oh, why can't I have all
(04:00):
these things, but I was likewhat can I do to, like you know,
spend my time?
So then I did feel that waywhen I was on social media all
the time trying to post, tryingto, you know, look at everything
and connect with people and,like before I even had kids, I
realized that that, like thatwasn't for me because it was so
(04:21):
much work, it was so intense andso overwhelming.
And I remember my husbandlooking at me being like, hello,
are you here, are you going tojoin the conversation?
Like you're on your phone allthe time.
And that's when I realized likeI couldn't, it wasn't right for
me, because I got sucked intoit and it was just too, it was
(04:43):
just too much, and so I haven'treally lived my life being that
like social mode, like socialmedia, posting mom, and that I
feel like is really freeing.
I can spend time being presentwith my family and that feels so
much more natural for me.
But I can see how people getsucked into those, those
thoughts, and I think, like whenwe look at you know, we're, you
(05:10):
know in our 20s and we're like,why can't I just get through
school, why can't I just getthrough this?
Like I'm just I'm waiting forthat next step, because I think
that in part, maybe we thinkthat like we're going to feel
better or like more fulfilled orsomething when we get to that
next step, when we get thathouse like and we have that
(05:30):
house like it's going to beamazing, but then that ends up
just being more work and moremoney because it decorate a home
right Like I don't know.
So I think like we're alwayslike trying to look for the next
thing to build.
I don't know.
So I think like we're alwayslike trying to look for the next
thing to build like to makeyourself feel happy.
Laura (05:48):
Yeah, there's so many angles that come up for me in
this context, like why do I feelso behind one?
Because I'm comparing myself toeveryone else too, because I
had this vision for myself whenI was a kid, and now I feel like
maybe I'm operating as like akid or a teenager, pretending to
(06:09):
be an adult.
Like I say this all the time,right, like, are you pretending
to be an adult right now or areyou actually an adult right now?
And we'd be surprised at howoften our system is like
internally just operating aslike a teenager pretending to be
an adult.
And the fact that I'm notwalking around in like high
heels, a pencil skirt and abriefcase means that I haven't
(06:29):
like achieved my adult dreams.
Right, because that's what Ithought an adult looked like.
You know, I would read likeElle magazine or whatever, and
so I'm literally in scrubs today, guys.
And so I'm literally in scrubstoday guys.
Scrubs are very adult as well.
I think that's another versionof like the professional adult
(06:50):
is scrubs.
But thinking about that whenyou're a kid, you sort of
project this image of like whatdoes adulthood look like?
You've got the house, you'vegot the kids, you've got the
stuff and you know you neverreally readjust what's reality.
You sort of just project thislike well, that's what an adult
(07:12):
is like and I have thisconversation with clients all
the time like what did you thinkan adult looked like when you
were a kid?
And most of the time it's thatit's like your briefcase, your
whatever.
And if you don't have thatstuff, then you just feel like
you're, you're failing orflailing and you haven't quite
made it yet.
Michaela (07:29):
That's so funny because neither of my parents
brought up like a briefcase orwore like fancy clothes to work.
My dad had a uniform, like hewent to like his job every day.
My mom worked at a school likeneither of them had that, but
like I still.
Where did we get this idea thatthat's what we're supposed to
(07:49):
look like, because neither of myparents looked like that.
But yeah, I still am with you,like the dream of being that
fancy person wearing high heels,which no, and I, you know.
I did live that life for a longtime.
Laura (08:02):
And I, you know, I did live that life for a long time
and I feel now like I'm likeI've gone like backwards
sometimes, like I spent my timewhen I was going to school.
You know, in order to putmyself through school, I worked
in corporate and so I had thiscorporate job and I became
successful because I had to goto school for eight years to do
(08:22):
this.
So like over that long time, Iwas able to become successful.
So like I wore the suit, I worethe, I brought the briefcase,
like I had all that stuff, andnow I'm in jeans and a black t
shirt or like a white t shirtliterally every single day and I
almost feel like I've likeregressed, I'm like less
advanced than I used to bebecause I just don't have that
(08:44):
like professional businessattire.
Maybe I should just startwearing suits again to work.
I don't want to do that.
Michaela (08:52):
Sometimes maybe.
But like, don't you feel likeyou're more relatable to clients
when you look like a normalperson?
Right, that's what I tellmyself.
I wear scrubs to work.
That's right to work, that'sright.
But I think what I'm hearingyou say is that this can be a
really normal feeling that a lotof people who are in their
(09:14):
twenties, thirties, forties,whatever we we often feel like
we're behind, like we haven'tmet that.
Mark, you know, it was funny.
I had a conversation with mymom the other day and she was
like, yeah, you said you wantedto be a dentist and then that
that that was better than, youknow, being a gynecologist or
whatever you know, looking atteeth all day was better than
(09:35):
being a gynecologist.
That that was what I wasthinking.
I was like I never rememberthinking that, like I don't
remember this conversation atall, but like to have thought,
like to be thinking those thingsand like I was already having
these like huge aspirations.
Even then, yeah, I love thatthose are your choices.
Like I mean, I think I wasprobably just being sassy, but
(09:59):
and I said something funny aboutgynecology, but you know, yeah,
right, like there's probablyit's better off if you are
looking at one than the other, Ithink.
Laura (10:11):
I think it's interesting .
We all sort of like set thesevisions right, we have this kind
of idea of what our life issupposed to be like, and then,
when our life isn't there, wefeel like it's, there's
something wrong.
But what we're not doing inthat moment is recognizing the
greatness of what our lifeactually is, right, like so, um,
(10:32):
in therapy recently, I wastalking to my therapist about
this and I said, you know, likethis isn't what I thought things
would look like at this stagein my life.
Like my kid, my youngest son,just turned 18.
And so now I'm, you know, goingthrough this phase of life where
I may become an empty nesterand I'm like I should be like I
(10:55):
in my head.
I'm like I should be retired bythe time my kids are grown.
I should be like so comfortableI should be vacationing all the
time, like now that they'regoing to be out of the house,
they don't need me anymore.
Like here's all these thingsthat I expected of myself at
that time, and now that's notthe way that it is.
But by taking away from what myactual life is, which is pretty
(11:21):
great, like we're starting.
We have this business thatwe're running together.
I have my primary, my primarypractice and you know I have
these three great kids who grewup and who are doing great and
you know, when we think abouthow behind we are, we're really
discrediting the greatness ofthe present.
Michaela (11:41):
Yeah, I love that, I love that idea.
I think that, like you know,you're in such a different phase
of life and right now, I'm likeI can't wait for my kids to get
older, like I can't wait forthis next stage, so that we can
feel like we're not chasing ourtails all the time, and I think
that, like you know, it shouldbe easier than this, right.
(12:03):
And so I think that, like forme, I'm also doing the same
thing.
It's just that, like I'mwishing my life, my kids, lives
away, because I'm ready for thenext phase, I'm ready for the
next thing.
I want things to get easier, andthe reality, I think, is what
I'm learning, is that it doesn'tever actually get easier.
It's just a hard thing thatyou're trying to get through,
(12:27):
right, like right now, it's liketrying to get kids to this
place and that place, but thatdoesn't change, it doesn't it?
That changes to like adifferent thing.
It's now it's sports, now it'sthis other thing, and so I think
, um, we're just constantlywanting to.
I think we're just constantlywanting to.
(12:49):
I think our brains are lazy andlike, in part, they want to
just be taking the easy road andso, like right now, it feels so
hard and it's like, well, Iwant to be where it's not hard,
or I should be where it's nothard.
Do you think that's true?
Laura (13:00):
I do.
I think it's almost like I'mlooking for this light at the
end of the tunnel, and that'sthe other thing I was going to
say about why do we feel likewe're behind is because we're
always looking for what's next,kind of like you said in the
beginning, and then what wedon't necessarily realize as
adults is that there is no endexcept for death.
As a child, there's an actualend to childhood, like you grow
(13:26):
up and you become an adult, solike there's a light at there's
this end of the road that you'realways looking for.
You're always waiting, likeonce I'm an adult, once I'm an
adult, once I'm an adult.
And then, once you're an adult,you're always looking for like
that next thing that's going tolike offer you some sort of like
primary relief from thestressors that you're
experiencing.
Right, and we don't have thatas adults, except for literal,
(13:51):
like we're done when we die,like there's no end, yeah, but
even in retirement, right.
Like I can think about athousand things to be stressed
about.
I mean, just just ask, I'llgive you a list there about a
thousand things to be stressedabout.
I mean, just ask, I'll give youa list.
There's a thousand things thatwe can stress about when we're
retired.
There's a thousand things, youknow.
Like I was saying, I thoughtthat this would be different,
(14:12):
like when my kids are older I'mstill so stressed about, like
the wellbeing of my children.
We just have a lot less controlover their environment now.
So it's just one of thosethings, like you said, it
doesn't get easier, it just getsdifferently hard.
And when we're young there's anend in sight.
(14:33):
So we're always looking forthat.
But when we're an adult we'rethinking okay, I'll get relief
when X, y, z happens.
I'll get relief at this nextstage.
I'll get relief at this nextstage.
But what we're not doing isliving day to day.
This is the journey of growthand development and ebbs and
flows and seasons and cycles.
Michaela (14:54):
It's not a linear progression, the way childhood
is, and I think we don't realizethat well, and I think maybe we
learned that lesson, or thatwe're told, we're basically kind
of taught some of these ideasin childhood as to be like
always looking for what's next,what's next, what's next, you
(15:14):
know?
Are you gonna like you need tomake it to this point to be
happy, right, instead of beinglike wow, like I just finished a
year of college, that's amazing.
Like look at me, I did, I didit and I grabbed, like I got, I
got through that year.
I haven't graduated yet, butlike okay, one more year down,
okay, kind of like breakingthose things apart and
(15:35):
emphasizing like how good itfelt to like actually clean our
room and have a clean house fora moment, right, none of that
lasts when you have children.
It's literally a tornado wentthrough five minutes later, but
in that moment you're like yes,look at me, I vacuumed and I got
(15:59):
things done.
Laura (15:59):
Yeah, yeah, we want to take some time to enjoy each
experience that we're havingwhen we're having it, instead of
looking back and thinking abouthow, like we look back with
nostalgia or we look back withregret, versus looking presently
, now and saying, like I'menjoying this today, like, oh,
how cool, we get to record ourpodcast today, I get to chat
with you, I know I'm going tosee you tomorrow, so I'm so
(16:20):
excited, like just kind of likebeing in that moment and then
experiencing what we'reexperiencing is a way to
remember that there is no behind, because we're exactly where
we're supposed to be and we'reworking towards what we're
working towards.
Michaela (16:39):
Yeah, I know, I always tell clients it doesn't matter
how long it takes you to getthere, as long as you get there
right.
Because you're not going to belike, well, I mean, yeah, sure,
maybe there's some things likeyou haven't made partner yet
because you start you onlystarted a year ago, whatever.
But like there, for the mostpart you're not going to look
back and be like man, you know,it took me so long to get here
(17:02):
and I'm so mad about that, Likeit's like I got here, I should
be happy that I'm here.
And in five years you're notgoing to be like, oh man, that
one extra year that it took toget through that.
You know you're not going to bebeating yourself up, you're
just going to be moving on tothe next goal Right, you're
(17:25):
going to move on to the nextgoal.
Laura (17:26):
That's the thing, and you know we get sucked into
these like cultural norms,instead of really defining our
own norms we don't really setlike.
There's not very many people outthere who say I mean, a lot of
us do like a vision board everyyear or something like that, but
I don't know how many peoplereally think what are my values
Like?
What do I actually care about inmy life?
What are, like, the five topvalues that I hold, that I like
(17:48):
that are maybe different from myparents, are different from
society and they're just mineand they're like what I want to
embed in my life, instead ofjust looking at everyone else
and being like, oh, they looklike they're doing great, I feel
like I'm doing crappy.
You know we're that culturalpressure to conform and like be
they look like they're doinggreat, I feel like I'm doing
crappy.
You know we're that culturalpressure to conform and like, be
like everyone else and like fitin and do what other people are
(18:10):
doing and do things the quoteunquote traditional way or the
right way.
You know, in order to break outof that, we have to set our own
standards.
We have to say what matters tous and like create our own
values.
Michaela (18:22):
Yeah, I love that.
I also think, you know, maybethere's some truth and, like our
feelings of seeing we're behind, or like feeling anxious or
nervous about those things,maybe that's like evidence or
like something information, likethat, this it matters to you.
So if you're feeling like youknow, man, I'm not up for that
(18:44):
promotion that I'm supposed toget, instead of just being mad
that like you're behind and thatyou didn't, you're not going to
reach it in time, whatever, putyourself on that vision board
or that like goal, like set somegoals and be like, ok, well,
what?
Here's my end goal.
I want to do this thing.
How do I get there?
What are the?
You know, maybe I need to talkto my manager and figure out
(19:07):
what are ways that I can, youknow, succeed at getting this
promotion or whatever.
And so then you start trying todo those things to reach the
goal and instead of focusing onI'm being late or being behind,
how do I get there?
Laura (19:24):
Creating steps and systems that you can put in
place in order to accomplishthose things that you want to
accomplish.
I think sometimes, when we feelbehind, what we're doing is
we're really distracting fromthe anxiety and like the
pressure that we feel, we'rekind of saying, oh, I'm just
behind.
It's almost like focusing onbeing behind distracts us from
(19:46):
being like moving ahead and it'salmost like a coping mechanism
to distract from like thefeeling of, of, of fear, the
feeling of, you know, the painof growth, the, the uncertainty,
the insecurity.
Like it's easier to maybe feelbehind than it is to be
(20:08):
vulnerable and put yourself outthere and that's scarier.
Michaela (20:12):
Because you could literally do the things that you
should be doing to reach thatnext step and still not make it
Right.
So it's that's a scary thing toput yourself out there for,
because what if I don't make?
Laura (20:24):
it right, right, like what if I fail?
I think a fear of failure putsa lot of people in a spot where
they feel behind and they're notable to move forward and take
and they're like setting.
They're experiencing all thesesetbacks and they're saying, you
know, they're only doing ithalfway, they're only putting
out enough to like just barelytake a step, but they're not
actually achieving those goalsbecause they're afraid to really
(20:47):
go all out.
Michaela (20:49):
Yeah, well, I also think that it's harder to reach
goals now than it was 10 yearsago.
I mean remember it was $10 tofill up my tank with gas when I
first started driving.
I like things are just reallymore expensive right now.
People are having a harder timebuying their first home because
it takes a lot more to get thefinancial capital built up to
(21:12):
buy a home.
There's real reasons why peopleare having a harder time making
those big moves and then thatmakes them feel bad as well, and
I think that emotionally, youknow, I know technology is
amazing and really reallyhelpful, right, but at the same
(21:33):
time, you know we're not gettingthe social connections.
Maybe we're not emotionally asdeveloped as what we could have
been because we weren'tconnecting with people face to
face as much, and so now we'rehaving to play catch up
emotionally in adulthood andthat's taking a little bit
longer to figure out what wewant and to make those moves and
(21:56):
things like that, just becauseof you know the way that we do
things now.
Laura (22:04):
Yeah, when we are thinking about now versus the
past, when things wereeconomically different, when our
parents or their parents werecoming of age and you know how
many people were having kids andgetting married at like 20 and
moving out into their own houseand like having this career and
(22:24):
like pensions, and there were somany different opportunities
that don't exist anymore, wherewe have to be a little bit more
creative, we have to think aboutthe world is a different place.
Where do I fit in that?
What does that look like for meand what do I think being a
successful adult looks like?
And it's not bad that it's notthe same thing as what my
(22:47):
parents had.
Michaela (22:49):
Or what my parents think I should have.
Laura (22:54):
Yes, I think a lot of we're antiquated.
Our thoughts about what shouldbe possible for kids today, I
think, are antiquated.
You know, my son is one of mykids, is my oldest, he's 21.
And he still lives at home andI wrestle right, Like I kind of
(23:14):
go back and forth like is he tooold?
Is this okay?
I don't, is he behind?
I don't know.
You know, and right now, Ithink, in this environment, to
your point, there is a lot ofroom for him to take the next
few years and save and put awaythree years worth of rent before
he moves out of the house.
(23:35):
Right, Because there, you know,things do change and things are
a lot more expensive and it isa different environment than
when I was, you know, coming upand I had my rent was $600, you
know like that's unheard of.
Michaela (23:50):
I know I'm in a tear, I know the other thing that I
feel like sometimes can happentoo, is like and you kind of
alluded to this a little bit,but, like you know, am I a kid
pretending to be an adult kindof thing but like early
parentification, like feeling soresponsible for things early on
(24:14):
before really that's time to bethinking that way or worrying
about those things, those things.
I think that that can lead tonot only burnout and then that
can slow personal developmentlater, but it also puts your own
like desires on hold.
You're not thinking about whatdo I really want, you're just
(24:35):
trying to take care of everybodyelse around you.
And so you're delaying the likegoal setting and the experiment
with like, what do I want to be?
How do I want to live my life,what are my goals, like.
So some of those things are puton hold because you have to be
the adult so early on, and Ithink that that can also lead to
(24:56):
some of the, the delay in ummeeting what.
What they believe is like thosemilestones that they should be
meeting or whatever.
Laura (25:08):
No, I agree with that.
I think when there's a childwho has all the responsibility
during childhood, then likeachievement becomes less
satisfying in adulthood, right,because we're it's like I've
been doing this the whole time.
Yeah, where's my value, where'smy accolades, where's my reward
(25:33):
?
Like this is just normal, thisis just what I'm supposed to do,
I was expected to do this, andthat's.
The other thing is likeparental expectations.
If your parents expect you totake these next steps and get
all A's and do all these thingswithout rewarding you for that
same thing, for with like theexpectation without validation,
(25:54):
I think is really um, trains youto not reward yourself later on
that's interesting.
Michaela (26:05):
I also wonder too, if, like what if that pressure just
leads to failure, and then thatjust leads to more pressure on
yourself?
Now the parents aren't puttingthe pressure on, but the
person's putting pressure onthemselves and can never feel
like they're good enough.
Laura (26:27):
I think that's absolutely right.
I think when we are sort ofpressured into a life, a
direction that we didn't chooseautonomy matters when we didn't
choose the direction that we'regoing, when we were forced into
the expectations and therequirements and the role that
we're playing, it makes itreally hard for us to feel
(26:49):
present and feel connected toour role.
And when we're not connected,we're just going through the
motions and we're not motivatedand then we can fail, like it's
much easier to fail.
And when I'm not motivated tolike get up and go and work
harder, then I'm not going to besuccessful and then that leads
to so much shame.
(27:11):
Yes, totally yeah, you have thatinternalized shame that
something's wrong with you, yeah, yeah.
Michaela (27:20):
Yeah, and that is hard to overcome when we have that
deep internal sense of shamethat's paralyzing almost, I
would assume.
Laura (27:32):
Yeah, it is, and it can be for people who just are, you
know, feeling it so deeply thatit's it's hard to overcome.
And when we haven't had theexperience of emotional
exploration as kids, I thinksometimes that internalized
shame just gets to be too muchand we don't really have an
(27:54):
outlet and we don't really havea way to experience that shame
without being consumed by it.
Michaela (28:03):
Yeah, that's good.
So we want people to kind ofreclaim their own timeline, you
know, reset those expectationsand realize that, like paths are
not linear, they're they, theydon't have to be linear.
Sometimes they can be right.
(28:24):
There.
Some people are going to followthat normal trajectory of
things, but maybe, maybe you'renot.
People are going to school,back to school in their 60s
because they changed their mindand what they want to do with
their life.
Laura (28:36):
Right, like things, don't you know, things can
change and passions can changeover time even yeah, we have to
remember that there's cycles andseasons and ebbs and flows and
ups and downs with life.
Like, sometimes we just gothrough a hard season of life, a
different phase of life.
Anytime there's a transition,things can feel really
(28:59):
challenging, daunting anddiscouraging.
When we're trying something new, those times of life are okay
and they don't mean that we'reset back right.
They don't mean that we've gone.
We can't go backwards, we can'tlike.
Time only ever moves forward.
So there's no such thing as asetback.
It's just a moment.
(29:19):
It's just a moment that is ofstruggle, and then you kind of
keep going forward because youhave everything that you have
learned up until this point,that all those resources and
tools stay with you and you canbring them into the future with
you.
Michaela (29:32):
Yeah, I love that.
I've been using that a lot whenI talk to people since you said
that, because I think that it'sso important and I think that
people really resonate andconnect with that, because it's
scary to go backwards Like I.
You know that was really hard,that was a terrible thing.
I can, I'm scared of being backin that place and that fear can
(29:54):
be really really challengingfor people Like um, and they
don't realize that, like, theanxiety and the fear and the
things that they're that they'reexperiencing now, you know, are
just due to that thought ofbeing back there, not even
having to do with the ability toeven go back there.
Laura (30:15):
Yeah, sometimes it's I'm just having.
We have to go back to our andwe talked about this on the
episode about intrusive thoughts.
Like you know, we have toremember our thoughts are not
the reality, they don't shapethe reality we can be in.
We can examine the presentreality and contradict our
thoughts.
Our thoughts don't have to bethe ones to like lead the way.
(30:36):
Um, you know and I think to kindof go back to reclaiming your
timeline what we were talkingabout before, like creating a
vision board, exploring yourvalues, I'm a big fan of a
vision board.
I think I've probably mentionedit on other episodes.
It's like one of my favoritethings to do because it can be
so validating and it can be soempowering.
(30:59):
So, if it's, if you're notwanting to do like a board, a
vision board, you know maybemaking a list or writing down
some stuff, you know a littlejournal entry that kind of just
explains like I would like toachieve these things, you know,
just putting pen to paper andmaking those thoughts or those
(31:21):
visions, those ideas, justputting, making them a little
bit more real.
Michaela (31:26):
Yeah, I love that and I think that it's important to
also like it helps you imaginethat you've already accomplished
those things, right, you'relooking at like those things
maybe it's in picture form orwhatever and it kind of like
makes them feel more real foryou.
But I think it's important toknow that, like the end goal
(31:47):
might change 500 times and itdoesn't.
That part doesn't matter,because life isn't a checklist,
it's not trying to check off theboxes, and when we check off
the boxes, everything is greatand life is good and nothing
bad's gonna happen.
Because it's not true, right?
Like it's not a checklist andwe're going to change.
(32:10):
Our values change over time.
You, the way that we see theworld, changes over time, and so
I think it's more about likedefining your success in a
different way and looking at youas your success and trying to
find a more positive way ofthinking about it.
Laura (32:28):
Mm, hmm, yeah, and think , think differently about your
social media and the consumption, right, like, think differently
about the content that you'reputting in front of you.
Inspiration is not the samething as comparison, right?
So if you have these accountsthat you're following, that
you're inspired by, you know,take what you remember when
(32:50):
you're looking at that stuff,that this is inspiration and
it's not like a comparison.
It's not something that isdesigned for you to think that,
to be less than it's for you tolearn from, right?
So kind of thinking differentlyabout that can be really
helpful when you're in that downthat rabbit hole.
Michaela (33:07):
It's like a barometer, right.
It's like planning andpreparing or consuming this to
improve ourselves.
And then we reach a point andwe go over and now we're in like
comparison and like feelingself doubt.
And when you start noticingthat shift in your physical body
where you're like, oh, I feelicky now, I don't feel good,
(33:29):
like I'm feeling anxious, I'mfeeling like I've got to get up
and move, that's your bodytelling you like okay, we have
crossed the line now and we arein an unhelpful territory.
We, let's move on.
Laura (33:39):
Oh, yeah, that's such a good way to measure.
I.
I think the crossover fromappreciation to icky is a really
good indicator that things havegone too far and you need a
brain break from social mediacontent and, you know,
remembering too that what peopleput on social is just a
(34:03):
snapshot in time and it's alsowhat it's also curated it's.
This is what I want people tosee about me.
This is how I want people tofeel about me.
This is how I want people tofeel about me.
This is what I want people tothink about me.
It's not necessarilyrepresenting truth or accuracy
or you know, the present reality.
Michaela (34:25):
Yeah, and how many people do they have on their
team trying to curate thatcontent Like?
It's probably a lot more thanyou think.
Laura (34:33):
Right, especially when it comes to influencers and
companies like they're.
Those are teams of people thatare doing that work for them and
it's planned ahead and it's allthat.
And then, but if it's just yourneighborhood group or your
neighbors like, um, or peoplethat you know or your family
like, think about, those are Iwant people.
Like when people post on online, they think I want people to
(34:55):
see this about me because itmakes me feel good about myself
and it makes me feel and I thinkthey're going to like this.
I think people are going tolike this, right.
And so if in any moment of anyday, you think to yourself I
think people would like thisabout me, like that would be
good enough for social media,but like we just don't think
like that.
We're not posting all the time,we don't share our whole life,
but there's a thousand momentslike that in your life.
(35:16):
Remember that you have thosemoments too.
They're just not necessarilyonline and that's okay, right, I
think that maybe that would bea good journal entry, right Like
how many?
Michaela (35:29):
moments did I have during the day, Like writing
down moments during the day,Like write down, writing down
moments during the day that werelike social media worthy right.
Laura (35:37):
We didn't capture it but like this is what I would want
to put out there to the world,yeah, and this is what makes me
feel good about myself, andthat's the important part too.
Um, and you know, if there's anaccount that you see that
you're like, that you're alwayscomparing yourself to, and you
know, if there's an account thatyou see that you're like, that
you're always comparing yourselfto, and you just find it like
you've crossed the line intofinding it obnoxious instead of
(35:59):
inspiring, like go ahead andunfollow them, like you don't
need that in your life.
Michaela (36:05):
But I also think that like unfollow some of the old
thoughts that you had of whatyour life should have looked
like, because you know I thinkyou know whatever that was that
you thought when you were a kiddoesn't have to be your reality
right now, and so that like ideaof comparing yourself to this
(36:27):
idea of life isn't helpfuleither.
It's like okay, if I still wantthat, if I still think that
that's where I want to be, howdo I make that happen from here?
But like you can't go backwards, you can't have started and you
can't undo things Like where amI at now?
How do I control the thingsthat I can control?
Laura (36:50):
Yeah, I think that's a really good place to kind of
ground yourself in, for sure.
Well, I think that's a lovelyplace to end today.
Thank you so much for all ofthese tips and advice.
Um, I love this.
This is a great conversationand we will see you next time.
And thank you so much forlistening to why Am I Like this?
(37:13):
If you like our show, pleaseleave us a rating and review on
your favorite podcast platform.
Follow the show and share itwith your friends.
This episode was written andproduced by me, laura Wood and
Michaela Beaver.
Our theme song is Making EndsNeat by Thick as Thieves.
A special thanks to Core SelfBenavieri Counseling and Active
(37:33):
Healing Psychiatric Services forsponsoring our show.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.