August 29, 2025 • 41 mins
We explore how our childhood experiences shape our perception of being judged and develop strategies to break free from the weight of others' opinions.
• The feeling of being judged often stems from childhood insecurities and past experiences
• Our brains scan for social threats, especially in new environments
• The inner critic narrates how others see us based on our own insecurities
• We constantly seek evidence that reinforces our negative self-beliefs
• Parents unintentionally perpetuate judgment by focusing on outcomes rather than character traits
• Neurodivergent individuals often receive negative feedback that creates deeper feelings of being judged
• Breaking free requires recognizing thoughts aren't facts and practicing self-compassion
• Setting boundaries with critical people helps create safer relationships
• Some judgment is inevitable, but it doesn't have to define our worth
• Curating social media and surroundings to promote growth rather than perfection reduces self-judgment
If you like our show, please leave us a rating and review on your favorite podcast platform. Follow the show and share it with your friends.
Laura's Free Course on Emotional Development and Regulation:
https://benavieri.com/neuroception-sign-up/
This show is sponsored by:
Core Self
Benavieri Counseling & Coaching
www.benavieri.com
Active Healing Psychiatric Services
www.activehealingpsych.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Laura (00:02):
Hello, welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
The podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child?
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist and I'm Michaela
Beaver.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner, so Michaela, why
are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:21):
I'm so glad you asked.
We want to help you understandyourself a bit better how the
things you learned aboutyourself and the world in
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this, those random
things about ourselves we mightwonder about, like why am I so
jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
(00:42):
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything?
Laura (00:47):
all the time?
Yes, and along those lines.
We are talking about feelingjudged today and we're going to
try to answer the followingquestions.
Where does this feeling comefrom?
Does everyone have an innercritic?
How do I stop feeling this way?
How do I stop feeling so judged?
(01:07):
So, mashila, what do you think?
Where does this feeling comefrom?
Michaela (01:14):
Well, I think that you know, to start, let's talk
about, like, what does it feellike to feel judged right?
It's a painful feeling and itkind of stems from our like
personal insecurities, our pastexperiences and what like our
own thoughts about ourselves andwhat we think people feel about
(01:38):
ourselves, right, and so Ithink that, like, the feeling
that we're getting is comingfrom a mixture of all of these
different experiences.
What do you think?
Laura (01:52):
Yeah, no, that's such a good point.
When you say that it's aboutthe way're doing, is we're
saying I feel this way aboutmyself, so I bet everyone else
can see it too.
(02:12):
Like we almost have this sensethat people can know our weakest
, our weakest feelings ormoments, or like they know what
we think is the worst thingabout ourselves and um, and we
feel like they are like laserfocused on that particular stuff
(02:35):
.
you know like if they could seewho we really are, then they
they can't like us, right yeah,yes, like I think of a time like
if, like when you just I don'tknow go into a situation and you
just, or somebody sayssomething to you, that kind of
like triggers that judgmentfeeling and you just get this
(02:56):
like rush of like heat to yourface or like this feeling of
just this like gulp of like oh I, I just feel this like shot to
the heart kind of like.
I just have this like visceralsense of just like oh, I feel I
just feel called out Like I, youknow, they know, they know this
worst thing about me.
Michaela (03:18):
Yeah, absolutely, I was trying to think of like what
is the like one of the firstexperiences that I can remember
about feeling judged?
I'm trying, I was trying tothink of like what that would be
.
You know, I think, like, Ithink I it goes back to like
going to a new school and likefeeling like people weren't
(03:40):
going to like me, you know.
Or like feeling awkward in thatmoment, maybe people weren't
going to like me, you know.
Or like feeling awkward in thatmoment, maybe like, oh, these
people, like they don't knowanything about me and like I'm,
like I'm just a weirdo orsomething, you know, they're
judging me and like even though,like I, at my old school,
before I moved, I had tons offriends and I felt really
comfortable, but it's likethere's something about like
(04:02):
just going to a new school.
So maybe that was like thefirst time I really ever felt
like that feeling of likejudgment, like I was.
You know, our brain is scanningfor these like different threats
, especially in socialsituations, and so then, like,
as we're scanning for thatthreat, like our, our body feels
(04:23):
like we're in danger, because Ithink we've talked about this
before it's like we want to fitin so badly Like as a kid.
We're like who am I like?
What am I like?
You know who's going to fitwith me, right, who do I want to
be like?
And so we're kind of scanningfor danger, like looking like
okay, this is, is this going tobe safe?
(04:43):
Am I going to fit in or am Igoing to be like, you know, the
the weird kid that nobody likes,or whatever.
Laura (04:50):
Well, yeah, and we have an inherent need for belonging.
We can't make it on our own.
We have to have a crowd, wehave to have our people, we have
to have our tribe of folks whoare going to look out for us and
who are going to protect us,like their safety in numbers.
Like there's an like in schoolI can think of like group
(05:14):
projects, like you have to dostuff, so like, not even just
from an evolutionary perspective, but like generally, you have
to work together with otherpeople.
Lunch is like the worst Havingto find a new lunch table when
you're a new person at a school,like making you know, making
friends and figuring out whoyou're going to sit with at
(05:35):
lunch.
Like that's a huge choice.
And I can remember probablybeing about that age of like
middle school when, when yousaid that you were trying to
think of the first time you everfelt judged, I was trying to
think of that too, and Iremember this time I had like my
first like three-way callingattack and my friend had
(06:03):
somebody that I had a crush onon like a three-way call and
then called me to like dishabout this guy that I had a
crush on, but like the guy wason the other line and I'm like
I'm calling this person myfriend but like that's really
not friend behavior.
Um, and then at the end of thecall, like they like were like
laughing, like he's been herethe whole time, like now he
(06:24):
knows everything, like ha ha ha,and I must've been like 12, and
it was devastating, totallymortifying.
And so now it's like I havethis like feeling of like
somebody's going to like tell mysecrets or whatever, and then
they're going to judge metogether, like behind my back,
right?
So it's like if ever, like yousee a group of two or three
(06:46):
people and then you look over atthem, like that's when I get a
feeling of like am I beingjudged, right, cause there's
like this other group of people,I'm by myself and maybe they're
talking about me, maybe theyare saying mean things about me
behind my back, and I am likethe odd man out, like I'm the
only one who doesn't know.
Like that's kind of like myjudgment trigger.
Michaela (07:07):
Yeah, I could see that being a thing, um, and I like
literally was thinking of meangirls, as you were like telling
me that Um, and then I was alsothinking like, um, our terms
that we that we use to describethings.
It feels like we're so, we'relike definitely 80s babies, like
(07:31):
we grew up in the 90s, and ourterms were things like.
I was like I wonder what, likepeople you know that like from
this newer generation would saylike, oh, it's so, mid or
whatever from this newergeneration would say like, oh,
it's so, mid or whatever.
You know, they come up withthat and we're like using such
old school terms to describethings.
Laura (07:52):
I know nowadays you couldn't even get stuck on a
three way calling attack becauseeverybody has cell phones and
nobody has landlines.
So like there's no way to notknow that there's somebody else
on the line, like it's obviouslya three way call.
Michaela (08:06):
Yeah Like, oh, hold on , Let me just wait a minute.
And then it's like you mergethe call and like everybody's
there and you're like, well, whydoes it say that?
So, and so is on the call.
Laura (08:16):
Right Like they would know now.
So that's one good thing thattechnology has given us is like
the reprieve from those kinds ofhorrible moments.
Michaela (08:25):
Or there's a way to do it.
I don't know Like, because I'mnot, I wouldn't, I've never like
tried, but I'm sure there's away to do it.
Laura (08:33):
Yeah, I don't know, but just like that feeling of like
not being safe, like walking ina room, like when you're
describing that experience ofjust like scanning around and
like who's okay, who's a safeperson for me, who's not a safe
person.
You know, I talk sometimesabout our channels of
information processing and oneof them is affect.
So we have our sensoryprocessing channel.
(08:55):
Like this is like how do wetake in information?
Well, we take it in through oursenses, right, Our taste, touch
, smell and then we take ininformation through an affective
mechanism as well, which islike we're vibes.
We're scanning the vibes, wecan tell if somebody's safe or
somebody's dangerous, andsometimes our intuition can
(09:16):
actually tell us that we're notwrong, that we actually are
maybe being judged by thatperson.
Then I'm wondering, like why isthat so bad?
Michaela (09:27):
Yeah, that's true.
I think micro expressions are ahuge piece of that is we're
picking up on those like little,like nonverbal cues.
But I think you're right, likewhy do we care so much that
people like us, like that'sthat's the biggest part of this,
is like we care so much thatpeople like us Like that's
that's the biggest part of thisis like we care so much about
(09:49):
fitting in, we want to be partof the cool people group or we
don't want to be left out, thatI think then our body goes into
it's like almost like theself-fulfilling prophecy, right?
Because then our body goes intodanger, fight or flight, and
then we don't act like ourselvesand so then nobody actually
really knows the real us, or wetry to pretend to be somebody
(10:12):
that we're not and then weattract the wrong people and
then we're unhappy in our friendgroup and feel like we don't
fit in.
But the problem was is that wenever felt comfortable being
ourselves to begin with, so wedidn't really attract our people
.
Like said our track, like nobodyreally knows the real you.
If you never can get out ofthat cycle of like of trying to
(10:34):
portray yourself in some kind ofway or like to to not be able
to be yourself, like I think oflike folks with like social
anxiety and like how, like knowthey shut down and then they
like don't have any.
They feel like they don't haveanything to contribute or they
their brain freezes and theydon't have anything to say and
then they feel like it was aterrible experience because, you
(10:56):
know, they didn't contribute tothe conversation or they felt
like nobody talked to them.
Laura (11:04):
Right, our social engagement mechanism competes
with our survival mechanism.
So when we're in that survivalmode of like freaked out and
insecure and scared and like notsure and you know we have all
these feelings inside, likethose visceral reactions that I
was telling you about, like youknow that gut punch Like when
(11:27):
we're feeling that our socialengagement system is really not
engaged it's not online, becausewhen we're in danger, well,
socially engaging is notnecessarily the right move.
If we're being threatened bysomebody, right, like we need to
distance ourselves from them.
So we have this kind of they'recompeting mechanisms a little
(11:49):
bit and we need to be able toinfluence our safety in our in
ourselves, like just beingcomfortable enough with
ourselves to have that socialengagement system turned back on
so that we can really connectwith somebody, and then we can
really feel like those peopleare our people.
Like you know, when we're kids,if we grow up in an environment
(12:10):
where we have a lack ofattachment or insecure
attachment, or anxiousattachment, or feeling like
we're not enough, or feelinglike if we're told all the time
that we're too much that we're,or if our family is
hypercritical of us, then we'reshutting down our social
(12:32):
engagement system in all ofthose moments, and so we're
lacking the development in orderto like really feel confident
and really feel like it's okayand safe to be ourselves.
Michaela (12:45):
Yes, absolutely, and I see this in like kids that or
people that have likeneurodivergence, like ADHD.
You know there's so muchnegative reinforcement that
those kids have are getting fromlike the very, very beginning.
It's tough, like being a parentwith with like neurodivergent
(13:05):
kids.
Like I was at the movie theateryesterday and the guy selling
popcorn was like I I don'tremember exactly what he said,
but he was like man, he's gotenergy right, like he's, he's a
lot you know, and like peoplecan see that like these kids are
a lot.
(13:25):
So I think that we get a lot ofnegative reinforcement because
they're oftentimes not able toslow down enough to make good
calls and so then they get theirparents get frustrated with
them, or they get a lot of freedirection and that can be
overwhelming for them.
So then that can lead toindirectly, not on purpose that
(13:47):
can lead to them feeling verymisunderstood, like they don't
fit in.
Well then, if you have thisidea about yourself that you're
not okay, that you're alwaysgoing to get in trouble, that
you're not, you don't fit in,that's going to affect your
social engagement with people.
That's going to affect yourability to feel safe in social
situations, right?
Laura (14:07):
Absolutely.
I recognize that with myclients who grew up with ADHD or
who, like kids who have, youknow, neurodivergence.
Now I see that in them too, Isee this sense of there's
(14:27):
something wrong with me, notbecause of this, this
neurodivergence, but it'sbecause of the feedback.
Right, it's not.
I think there's something wrongwith me because the way my
brain works.
It's.
I think there's something wrongwith me because people tell me
there's something wrong with meall the time and I'm getting
this feedback from theenvironment that there's that
I'm doing something wrong orthat I'm doing something bad, or
(14:53):
that I don't have control overmyself, that I should.
There's a lot of shoulds inthose environments and I think
that's true for all kids.
When it comes to adults reallysending a message to kids that
kids are somehow not performingadequately, like, I see that a
(15:19):
lot.
Like you know, my kid lies, ormy kid's manipulative, or my kid
is this, or my kid is that Likemy kids, you know, when I'm
describing a good kid, I'mdescribing oh, they were so easy
, they never got into anytrouble, they were like
compliant, right.
And then when I'm hearing aparent describe a quote unquote
(15:41):
bad kid, it's like well, theygave me a really hard time.
They were always running intothings, they were always going
into trouble, they were always.
So it's like we have theseinherent.
We judge our kids automaticallyas adults, and so I think that
all kids and people really growup with that, at least in some
level.
Michaela (16:02):
And I think, like when you were saying all those
things, I was like, oh gosh,like that is all about the
parent.
How did it affect me?
Oh, I had to work so hard.
And so you know, we're judgingour kids and, yeah, it's all
(16:22):
about judgment and I think it'scoming from the fact that we
feel judged as parents.
We're judging ourselves and howwe must be falling short
because our kids are not doingwhat they're supposed to do and
like, oh, look at that kid.
That kid looks so good.
Like, why, like I must be doingsomething wrong or they must be
judging me that I'm doingsomething wrong, that my kid's
not doing what they're supposedto do.
Laura (16:45):
It's all about judgment.
It's all about judgment, likeparents judge each other, we
judge each other in society.
You know, moms judge each other.
We think about our outcomes andlike the success that we're
showing other people, but we'renot necessarily thinking about
the traits that got us there.
(17:06):
Right, we're, we're projectingthese outcomes, we're saying I'm
successful and we think thoseare the things that people
aren't going to, are going tojudge us about, but we're not
really focused on.
Well, why am I successful?
I work really hard, I am, I'mpassionate, I'm right, like
we're not.
So if we think about kids andwe talk the way we talk about
(17:27):
kids like oh well, they aregoing to this college and
they're playing this sport andthey're doing all these things
and they're involved in allthese activities, like okay, but
like that doesn't actually sayanything about the person, like
as a human being.
You're not saying like, oh,they're kind, they're passionate
, they are curious, they are,you know, engaged there, they
take care of, they take goodcare of themselves by, you know,
(17:51):
really investing in their ownwell-being and they get excited
about these things.
We don't describe our kids thatway.
Michaela (17:57):
No, oh, I think it even goes way back further, way
back before that.
Oh, my kid crawled, oh my kidsaid their first words and it's
like oh, my first kid did it atthis point and my second kid did
it at this point.
So what's wrong with my kid?
So it's even starting at likedevelopmental milestones.
Laura (18:20):
Yeah, that's such a good point.
I see that all the time when Isee like posts about people who
are questioning, like they'reasking their fellow mom group or
whatever.
Like you know, my oldest waswalking at eight months and you
know, my now my middle kid, ormy second kid is is barely been
(18:42):
crawling.
Like, if they skip crawling,like what does that mean about
them?
Like, does does that mean thatthey're going to be like you
know, uh, experience thisdevelopmental delay or this
problem or this, or that we'reso worried about our kids.
Like as parents, we are reallydoing a lot of judging our kids'
behaviors and it's because of,like you said, the way that that
(19:04):
reflects on us.
What will people think of me ifmy kid has a delay?
What will people think of me ifmy kid doesn't walk by this age
?
Or, you know, what will thedoctors think of me if I take my
kid in and they're sick?
Are they going to think thatI'm a bad parent, that I didn't
take good enough care of them?
What will the teachers think ofme if my child has a learning
(19:26):
difference?
Like, what will right, we applywhat other people do and we
apply outcomes to ourselves andhow that affects us.
Michaela (19:40):
Sure, yeah.
I mean, I remember thinkinglike, oh, I walked at nine
months, so my kids definitelygoing to walk by nine months,
right, like, you know, whateverLike, and I remember thinking
those things and it's soarbitrary.
It's like, okay, they didn'twalk till they were 12 months,
they still met their milestone.
They're perfectly normal,perfectly healthy.
Laura (20:00):
But I think that, like anxiety and like worry about
things, depression, those thingsare going to amplify our, our,
our like concerns about beingjudged, right, they're going to
affect how we feel aboutourselves and about our kids and
like what the world thinksabout us even more so, yeah,
(20:24):
overthinking and anxiety andshame-based thinking, um,
perfectionism, like those areall things that I can like that
really tie into this belief thatpeople are judging us all the
time and this like inherent needto judge ourselves and judge,
(20:44):
like the, our kids, and judge,you know, our outcomes.
And when we grow up like thoseof us who feel like we're being
judged all the time or we needto explain ourselves all the
time, often that's because wegrew up in an environment that
was very critical and very, Iwant to say, maybe closed to
(21:11):
other people's experiences, solike controlling environments
where if our, if the people whoraised us were constantly saying
, like well, you should be thisway or you should feel this way
or you should think this way,and there's not really an
exploration of like well, but Ithink this is that okay about me
.
Then we have this kind ofinternal judgment, that quote
(21:33):
unquote inner critic that wetalk about.
You know, like that innercritic who starts narrating you
know how everybody else must beseeing us and how we should see
ourselves because we're doingeverything wrong.
Michaela (21:45):
Yeah, and I think that you know, like you said, we
learn to think that way becauseof the way that, like the, the
way that people talk to us andthe way that, you know, people
tell us to think and we only canknow what we learn in childhood
(22:08):
until we get out into the worldand learn that in childhood,
until we get out into the worldand learn that, like, there's
other ways to think about things.
But that inner critic and thestory that we tell ourselves is
so powerful and can be reallyhard to overcome.
You know that if we have aparent that is very controlling
(22:29):
and, you know, is very, you know, hard on us and pushes us, you
know, but also by but pushes usin a way that, like, makes us
feel like we're a failure, wecan never live up to those
expectations, we start to haveperfectionism, like I should be
a perfection, I should beperfect, but like, why can't I
(22:52):
live up to my that expectationof perfectionism, right?
And so we're constantly judgingourselves based on that, that
idea that, like it's not safe tofail.
Laura (23:03):
Yeah, failure is not an option, failure is not okay and
failure is scary and unsafe.
And that also could be a partof the development of somebody
whose parents never let themfail Right.
So when we have parents whohave coddled us or, you know,
(23:24):
rescued us all the time, wemight feel like, you know, we're
not good enough, we might feellike we're not capable, we're
not able to do what we need todo because, like our parents
never trusted us.
They always felt like we weregoing to mess something up, or
we always mess something up, andthey always had to come to the
rescue.
So it still kind of feeds thatinternal narrative of, like that
(23:46):
critic who's saying, like well,you can't really do it on your
own.
Michaela (23:50):
Sure, well, and then if we have all these negative
thoughts about ourselves, thesecognitive distortions, mental
mistakes, where we think likeyou know, I'm not good enough,
or you know I'm going to mess upor I'm going to embarrass
myself or whatever, then when wehave that internal critic, we
(24:13):
then find ourselves putting, youknow, like that mind reading
kind of thing, where we'reputting those thoughts on other
people Well, if I think thisabout myself, then they must
think it about me too, like.
And so then we have, you know,it makes it harder to enjoy
experiences with other peoplebecause we always are thinking
that they're they, they thinkthat same stuff about us yeah,
(24:37):
and then we're looking for thatreinforcement.
Laura (24:40):
so, whatever our inner critic says, we're looking for
cues in the environment thatreinforce that idea.
So then when somebody, like,looks over in my direction and
then turns back to their friendand laughs at their friend's
joke, then I'm thinking they'relaughing at me, right, like.
Michaela (24:57):
so I'm constantly seeking evidence that this is
true, that that's that this iswhat's really happening and that
they're judging me and laughingat me even though there's so
many other, like you know, cuesto the opposite or like things
that prove the opposite, likenone of those things matter,
because that one thing happenedand therefore that must be true.
Laura (25:20):
Well, right, and we're always telling our brain what to
look for.
Like we're telling our brainwhat's important.
So when we have this loud innercritic that is telling us that
we need to change the way we are, show up differently, put on
this mask socially or, you know,behave a different way, that
(25:44):
we're not good enough.
We've got all this stuff goingon, we're telling our brain,
we're sort of reinforcing like,hey, this is the most important
thing.
So notice everything that youcan find that reinforces this
idea and that continues to provethat you're right, and make
sure that you are focused onmaking these changes.
(26:04):
I think a lot of the time whenwe see this evidence or we see
this reinforcement coming in, wethink that that means something
.
We're taking that to mean thatwe're right and that we are
imperfect, and that we are, youknow, a failure, or that we are,
you know, not good enough, orthat we are too much.
Like we're taking all thosethings to like validate that and
(26:28):
to mean that when really we'rejust noticing things that
reinforce that, it's they'rejust coincidence, like it's not
really more fear response.
Michaela (26:37):
Right, we're, we're feared full that we're gonna be
judged because of these areasthat we're most insecure or
ashamed of.
And then we look, our brain ison scan for them because it's
trying to protect us from danger.
And that's the danger, right,like it's dangerous to be that,
like so, like we're having aconversation and we're talking
(26:57):
and then all of a sudden, likeyou, you say something that
makes me feel like, um, I saidsomething stupid and my, that
might, like you know, make myfear response kick in.
And I'm like, oh, and then mybrain goes blank and I'm like I
don't know how to respond tothat, right, like, oh, that that
(27:18):
was a trigger for me, right,and then I'm like, then I would
go into fear response, right,and then we don't know how to
respond in those situationsbecause it's dangerous.
Laura (27:24):
Yeah, absolutely, and we need to learn how to work with
it right.
We need to learn how to teachourselves to get out of that
fear response and recognize thatour thoughts aren't always like
facts, so not to believeeverything we think Exactly.
Michaela (27:46):
Because that thought that if we can anticipate or
protect ourselves from havingthat judgment happen is false.
It's not really true, becausepeople are going to judge us.
It's just nature and it doesn'tmean anything bad about us if
they do.
Laura (28:08):
That's such a good point .
It doesn't mean anything badabout us, even if somebody is
judging me like people arejudging us right now at like.
I know that you and me, like weput ourselves out in the world
sometimes, like on this podcast,for example I know that there
are people that are judging mebased on maybe my uh verbal
crutches or my like ideas orwhatever you know.
(28:33):
Maybe they disagree with me,maybe they think that what I
said is stupid.
Because I exist in the world,there will be judgments Like I
can't exist in the world withouthaving other people like think
something about me that maybe Iwouldn't want them to think or
maybe I wouldn't want to be seenthat way.
But I also know that if I'mauthentic and I show up in a way
(28:55):
that is true to me and that ismy authentic self, like with my
social engagement system turnedon, saying I'm safe, I'm here,
this is who I am, I makemistakes and that's okay Then
you know I can live with that.
Michaela (29:10):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's such a good point,and I think that you know, when
you're having that moment ofbeing like oh no, like I'm going
to be judged or I feel weird,right, like you're having that
moment, you can say like, okay,just name it.
Like is this, this is a pasttrigger for me, Like I know that
(29:30):
this is just my inner criticsaying, like, saying the things
that I, you know, think aboutmyself.
I'm, you know, putting my ownthoughts onto somebody else
right now, like this doesn't,this isn't true.
And it doesn't have to meananything about me, right, maybe
it's partially true, like, maybeyou know there is something
that has some truth to it, butit doesn't mean that there's
(29:52):
doesn't mean that I'm bad, right, I don't need to feel shame, I
don't feel like, I don't need tofeel bad about that.
Laura (30:02):
It might be true, and I can work on that.
Absolutely None of us areperfect, and that's okay.
We will make mistakes.
We will say things that areless than representative of our
entire cognitive abilities, likewe will make, um statements
that don't necessarily representwho we fully are and that we
(30:24):
want people to understand.
Um, we will have opinions thatare unpopular.
Sometimes we will have ideasthat not everybody is going to
love, like that's okay, thatdoesn't say anything bad about
us.
There's not a, there's notalways a specific right and a
specific wrong.
I think that black and whitethinking of, like I can be
(30:45):
perfect and I can be right allthe time and I could maybe never
mess something up.
That's not real.
Michaela (30:53):
Agreed.
So I think what I'm hearing yousay is like that we need to
practice having some compassionfor ourselves, so that we can
kind of let go of the need to beperfect and do everything right
or look the right way all ofthe time.
Laura (31:13):
Absolutely the right way all of the time, absolutely
Compassion for ourself.
And then also, we need to havesome capacity to evaluate, like,
is this really happening or isthis just a thing that I think
is happening, like checking theevidence right, like and kind of
saying, like, what's the worstcase scenario here?
Is somebody judging me Maybe?
(31:34):
Well then, what right, what'sthe worst thing that could
happen?
Or, you know, noticing, um, arethey actually thinking about me
or are they just talkingamongst each other?
And then, knowing that I can'tread their minds, like I can
never know what other peoplethink of me and that's okay.
Michaela (31:53):
Yeah, I like that.
I also think about, you know,all of the information that's
coming into us all of the time,right?
And so if we're scrolling onInstagram and we're seeing all
these people who are in our likefield or who are doing
(32:14):
something that we want to do andwe're not there yet, or
whatever like we're, we'relooking at all of this stuff all
the time.
You know, maybe we need to like, unsubscribe or like, unfollow
those things so that we can takea break from having to put that
pressure on ourselves or likeor like, get rid of some of the
(32:34):
things that amplify ourself-judgment.
Laura (32:38):
I agree with that.
I talk about that with myclients all the time.
Like curating your content,curating your feed to show
growth, mindset things to show.
To show you things that promotegrowth instead of perfection.
To show you things that promotegrowth instead of perfection.
To show you things that promotecompassion instead of outcomes.
(32:59):
Measures like to inspire youversus to feel like you're
belittled.
And sometimes we just need totake a break from online in
general.
We need to separate ourselvesand go outside and connect with
our family and connect with ourfriends and connect with the
people who we know and reallycare about and we need to kind
(33:25):
of reconnect with ourselves Like.
Another way to do that is likea vision board.
I think about kind of puttingyourself, putting up a vision of
like who.
How do you see your best self?
How do you see yourself today?
Where do you want to go?
Um, giving yourself some spaceto explore what's important to
you and who you truly act whoyou truly are versus who do you
(33:49):
want people to think you are?
Or who do you want Like who?
What do people see you as?
Michaela (33:53):
Yeah, that's good.
One of the things that I wasthinking about as you were
talking is like, okay, we'vetalked a lot about feeling
judged.
What if we're the people thatare doing the judging Like?
What if we find ourselves causelike I don't?
I mean, we're all makingjudgments all the time?
(34:13):
If you say that you're not, youare lying to yourself, right,
because we're all makingjudgments, but we can choose to.
It's how we choose to use thosejudgments.
And so I think, like thinkingabout like how we're portraying
(34:34):
those judgments to the world,right, and like being mindful of
how that like might affect yourown feelings about yourself,
right, like because I know that,like when I have said things
that maybe aren't the kindest,or like whatever, I don't feel
very good about myself afterthat, you know.
And so just being mindful of,like, how we're treating others
(34:56):
when we do have those judgmentsand things, I think that that's
important too.
Laura (35:02):
Yeah, I agree with that, and also letting those
judgments go quickly, right, notholding on to them.
So like we can't control ourthoughts.
But what we can do is we canwork with our thoughts in a
different way.
Our thoughts, but what we cando is we can work with our
thoughts in a different way.
So if a thought comes in thatisn't very kind, we can just, oh
(35:23):
, that maybe wasn't very kind ofme to think that's okay, I
don't need to like, beratemyself about it, I don't need to
tell myself I was the worst,I'm the worst, like I don't need
to, I don't need to make thatmean anything.
I can just say, hmm, that wasthe thought.
I'm probably not going to gowith that one.
I'm going to find anotherthought instead, exactly.
Michaela (35:38):
Yeah, cause I think that, like you know, we could
talk about how it might not makepeople feel good if we, like
are talking about someone who'ssitting over there, right.
It also affects ourselves and,like I know that I feel so much
better when I like spreadpositivity and I have good,
positive things to say and Ilift people up, but sometimes we
(36:02):
can, you know, be sucked intothat whole like spiral of like
pulling other people down and Ithink that, like we do that
because we are trying to likemake ourselves feel better, or
maybe we think we're likehelping somebody else in some
kind of way, like pointing outthere, you know, think that you
(36:22):
know, we're judging them andwe're pointing out things about
them that might, that might hurttheir feelings.
And I don't, like you know, wemight be doing it because we
think we're being helpful, butmaybe, like that isn't coming
across the way we think it'scoming across.
Laura (36:35):
Right, like it's not as helpful as we might think it is.
I can.
That reminds me of a joke thathappens between me and my mom
all the time.
Like cause with.
As parents of kids who are nowadults, my, so my mom and I will
tend to be we tend to becritical Like we tend to be the
(36:58):
glasses half empty sometimes,like, so we'll make comments
about, like what's going on insomebody's life, like each other
.
Like maybe I'll say you know,oh, I made this huge mistake,
like I don't know what I wasthinking Like.
And then she might saysomething like well, why didn't
you think about that before?
And then I'm like what's yourgoal?
Right, like, what is your goalhere?
(37:19):
And so, like, if one of my kidssays something and then I'm
like, well, you should have doneit like this.
It's like, what was your goal?
Like, how's that helpful?
It's not that helpful, I know.
Michaela (37:29):
I hate when.
Laura (37:30):
I'm critical.
Yeah, whenever we're beingcritical, we kind of have to
step back and ask ourselves likewhat was your goal there?
Like what?
Michaela (37:38):
was the point?
What was the point?
Yeah, it's already done, right?
They can't go back and undo it,right?
Yeah, to be like, you shouldhave thought about that before
you did that.
Laura (37:49):
Right.
Like nobody finds that useful.
Michaela (37:55):
I know, but I think that, like also we don't.
I think that comes from a placeof like, we feel helpless or,
like you know, are frustratedthat it happened and, in part,
as the parents, sometimes we'remad at ourselves for letting it
happen.
Yeah, so I think, like it'seasier to like blame our kid or
(38:15):
blame somebody else than it isto blame ourselves.
Laura (38:19):
And we're often silently blaming ourselves and then
outside blaming others, likewe're often sort of projecting
what we think about ourselvesand what we think about like our
own stuff onto other people.
And so, like you were saying,to just be kind of mindful about
that and mindful about where weare and mindful about what is
(38:41):
helpful about moving forward inthis way and maybe it's not that
helpful and we can move forwardin a different way.
Michaela (38:48):
Yes, absolutely.
And I think that, like, withthat you know, I'm not I'm not
going to say that I'm like themost positive and like always
happy and whatever person, right.
But I think that, like,ultimately, we need to surround
ourselves with people that aresafe and that we don't
(39:08):
constantly feel judged by.
And I think we, if we have arelationship where we don't feel
like it's that safe, it doesn'tmean like write it off, but I
think that, like, we need towork on setting some healthy
boundaries with those people sothat they can know, like maybe
they don't know that thatbothers us, right, like that
they're constantly, you know,criticizing something about us
(39:31):
or telling us that you knowsomething, they like something
else or they don't like thatthing, right, and maybe we need
to set a boundary with thatperson and say like hey, I feel
I feel sad when you say that tome or I feel, you know that
makes me upset.
When you know you, you pointthose things out to me and we
(39:52):
and you can bring it to theirattention that, like, maybe they
are hurting your feelings insome kind of way and they can
learn to respect that, you know.
But if you just let them,they've they.
For years and years and yearsthey've said whatever they
wanted to say and you never seta boundary.
You just quietly felt judgedand sad and hurt.
By what?
By those things they have,nohmm.
Laura (40:16):
I think that's such a good point, especially when
you're feeling judged and you'remaybe being judged by people
who are the closest to you, whoare your safe people.
You can set boundaries withyour safe people and maintain
those relationships in a reallyhealthy way.
Like we have basically learnedthat the that people are not
(40:39):
safe and we need to unlearn that.
We need to unlearn that fearand change the way that we
perceive our relationships interms of safety and in terms of
danger.
Like hey, it is safe to speakup for ourself, it is okay to be
authentically us and say, likehey, that hurts my feelings and
it is okay to be vulnerable inthat way.
Michaela (41:00):
Yeah, absolutely, and people can treat us with respect
and learn how to be safe withus.
They can be a safe person ifthey really know what that means
for you.
Yeah, I love that that meansfor you?
Laura (41:18):
Yeah, I love that.
Well, I think that's a greatplace to end it for today, so
thank you so much for thisconversation.
This was excellent.
Yes, I learned so much.
I always do, so thank you somuch for listening to.
Why Am I Like this?
And if you like our show,please leave us a rating and
review on your favorite podcastplatform.
Follow the show and share itwith your friends.
(41:39):
This episode was written andproduced by me, laura Wood and
Michaela LaBeaver.
Our theme song is Making Ends.
Meet by Thickest Thieves, and aspecial thanks to Core Self,
Benavieri Counseling, and ActiveHealing Psychiatric Services
for sponsoring our show.
Hello, welcome to.
Why Am I Like this?
The podcast for those whodidn't get enough hugs as a
child?
I'm Laura Wood and I'm a traumatherapist and I'm Michaela
Beaver.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner, so Michaela, why
are we doing this podcast?
Michaela (00:21):
I'm so glad you asked.
We want to help you understandyourself a bit better how the
things you learned aboutyourself and the world in
childhood are still affectingyou today.
We want to figure out why arewe like this, those random
things about ourselves we mightwonder about, like why am I so
jumpy?
Why am I so anxious?
Why do I take everythingpersonally?
(00:42):
Why are my thoughts so negative?
Why do I feel like I have tofix everything?
Laura (00:47):
all the time?
Yes, and along those lines.
We are talking about feelingjudged today and we're going to
try to answer the followingquestions.
Where does this feeling comefrom?
Does everyone have an innercritic?
How do I stop feeling this way?
How do I stop feeling so judged?
(01:07):
So, mashila, what do you think?
Where does this feeling comefrom?
Michaela (01:14):
Well, I think that you know, to start, let's talk
about, like, what does it feellike to feel judged right?
It's a painful feeling and itkind of stems from our like
personal insecurities, our pastexperiences and what like our
own thoughts about ourselves andwhat we think people feel about
(01:38):
ourselves, right, and so Ithink that, like, the feeling
that we're getting is comingfrom a mixture of all of these
different experiences.
What do you think?
Laura (01:52):
Yeah, no, that's such a good point.
When you say that it's aboutthe way're doing, is we're
saying I feel this way aboutmyself, so I bet everyone else
can see it too.
(02:12):
Like we almost have this sensethat people can know our weakest
, our weakest feelings ormoments, or like they know what
we think is the worst thingabout ourselves and um, and we
feel like they are like laserfocused on that particular stuff
(02:35):
.
you know like if they could seewho we really are, then they
they can't like us, right yeah,yes, like I think of a time like
if, like when you just I don'tknow go into a situation and you
just, or somebody sayssomething to you, that kind of
like triggers that judgmentfeeling and you just get this
(02:56):
like rush of like heat to yourface or like this feeling of
just this like gulp of like oh I, I just feel this like shot to
the heart kind of like.
I just have this like visceralsense of just like oh, I feel I
just feel called out Like I, youknow, they know, they know this
worst thing about me.
Michaela (03:18):
Yeah, absolutely, I was trying to think of like what
is the like one of the firstexperiences that I can remember
about feeling judged?
I'm trying, I was trying tothink of like what that would be
.
You know, I think, like, Ithink I it goes back to like
going to a new school and likefeeling like people weren't
(03:40):
going to like me, you know.
Or like feeling awkward in thatmoment, maybe people weren't
going to like me, you know.
Or like feeling awkward in thatmoment, maybe like, oh, these
people, like they don't knowanything about me and like I'm,
like I'm just a weirdo orsomething, you know, they're
judging me and like even though,like I, at my old school,
before I moved, I had tons offriends and I felt really
comfortable, but it's likethere's something about like
(04:02):
just going to a new school.
So maybe that was like thefirst time I really ever felt
like that feeling of likejudgment, like I was.
You know, our brain is scanningfor these like different threats
, especially in socialsituations, and so then, like,
as we're scanning for thatthreat, like our, our body feels
(04:23):
like we're in danger, because Ithink we've talked about this
before it's like we want to fitin so badly Like as a kid.
We're like who am I like?
What am I like?
You know who's going to fitwith me, right, who do I want to
be like?
And so we're kind of scanningfor danger, like looking like
okay, this is, is this going tobe safe?
(04:43):
Am I going to fit in or am Igoing to be like, you know, the
the weird kid that nobody likes,or whatever.
Laura (04:50):
Well, yeah, and we have an inherent need for belonging.
We can't make it on our own.
We have to have a crowd, wehave to have our people, we have
to have our tribe of folks whoare going to look out for us and
who are going to protect us,like their safety in numbers.
Like there's an like in schoolI can think of like group
(05:14):
projects, like you have to dostuff, so like, not even just
from an evolutionary perspective, but like generally, you have
to work together with otherpeople.
Lunch is like the worst Havingto find a new lunch table when
you're a new person at a school,like making you know, making
friends and figuring out whoyou're going to sit with at
(05:35):
lunch.
Like that's a huge choice.
And I can remember probablybeing about that age of like
middle school when, when yousaid that you were trying to
think of the first time you everfelt judged, I was trying to
think of that too, and Iremember this time I had like my
first like three-way callingattack and my friend had
(06:03):
somebody that I had a crush onon like a three-way call and
then called me to like dishabout this guy that I had a
crush on, but like the guy wason the other line and I'm like
I'm calling this person myfriend but like that's really
not friend behavior.
Um, and then at the end of thecall, like they like were like
laughing, like he's been herethe whole time, like now he
(06:24):
knows everything, like ha ha ha,and I must've been like 12, and
it was devastating, totallymortifying.
And so now it's like I havethis like feeling of like
somebody's going to like tell mysecrets or whatever, and then
they're going to judge metogether, like behind my back,
right?
So it's like if ever, like yousee a group of two or three
(06:46):
people and then you look over atthem, like that's when I get a
feeling of like am I beingjudged, right, cause there's
like this other group of people,I'm by myself and maybe they're
talking about me, maybe theyare saying mean things about me
behind my back, and I am likethe odd man out, like I'm the
only one who doesn't know.
Like that's kind of like myjudgment trigger.
Michaela (07:07):
Yeah, I could see that being a thing, um, and I like
literally was thinking of meangirls, as you were like telling
me that Um, and then I was alsothinking like, um, our terms
that we that we use to describethings.
It feels like we're so, we'relike definitely 80s babies, like
(07:31):
we grew up in the 90s, and ourterms were things like.
I was like I wonder what, likepeople you know that like from
this newer generation would saylike, oh, it's so, mid or
whatever from this newergeneration would say like, oh,
it's so, mid or whatever.
You know, they come up withthat and we're like using such
old school terms to describethings.
Laura (07:52):
I know nowadays you couldn't even get stuck on a
three way calling attack becauseeverybody has cell phones and
nobody has landlines.
So like there's no way to notknow that there's somebody else
on the line, like it's obviouslya three way call.
Michaela (08:06):
Yeah Like, oh, hold on , Let me just wait a minute.
And then it's like you mergethe call and like everybody's
there and you're like, well, whydoes it say that?
So, and so is on the call.
Laura (08:16):
Right Like they would know now.
So that's one good thing thattechnology has given us is like
the reprieve from those kinds ofhorrible moments.
Michaela (08:25):
Or there's a way to do it.
I don't know Like, because I'mnot, I wouldn't, I've never like
tried, but I'm sure there's away to do it.
Laura (08:33):
Yeah, I don't know, but just like that feeling of like
not being safe, like walking ina room, like when you're
describing that experience ofjust like scanning around and
like who's okay, who's a safeperson for me, who's not a safe
person.
You know, I talk sometimesabout our channels of
information processing and oneof them is affect.
So we have our sensoryprocessing channel.
(08:55):
Like this is like how do wetake in information?
Well, we take it in through oursenses, right, Our taste, touch
, smell and then we take ininformation through an affective
mechanism as well, which islike we're vibes.
We're scanning the vibes, wecan tell if somebody's safe or
somebody's dangerous, andsometimes our intuition can
(09:16):
actually tell us that we're notwrong, that we actually are
maybe being judged by thatperson.
Then I'm wondering, like why isthat so bad?
Michaela (09:27):
Yeah, that's true.
I think micro expressions are ahuge piece of that is we're
picking up on those like little,like nonverbal cues.
But I think you're right, likewhy do we care so much that
people like us, like that'sthat's the biggest part of this,
is like we care so much thatpeople like us Like that's
that's the biggest part of thisis like we care so much about
(09:49):
fitting in, we want to be partof the cool people group or we
don't want to be left out, thatI think then our body goes into
it's like almost like theself-fulfilling prophecy, right?
Because then our body goes intodanger, fight or flight, and
then we don't act like ourselvesand so then nobody actually
really knows the real us, or wetry to pretend to be somebody
(10:12):
that we're not and then weattract the wrong people and
then we're unhappy in our friendgroup and feel like we don't
fit in.
But the problem was is that wenever felt comfortable being
ourselves to begin with, so wedidn't really attract our people
.
Like said our track, like nobodyreally knows the real you.
If you never can get out ofthat cycle of like of trying to
(10:34):
portray yourself in some kind ofway or like to to not be able
to be yourself, like I think oflike folks with like social
anxiety and like how, like knowthey shut down and then they
like don't have any.
They feel like they don't haveanything to contribute or they
their brain freezes and theydon't have anything to say and
then they feel like it was aterrible experience because, you
(10:56):
know, they didn't contribute tothe conversation or they felt
like nobody talked to them.
Laura (11:04):
Right, our social engagement mechanism competes
with our survival mechanism.
So when we're in that survivalmode of like freaked out and
insecure and scared and like notsure and you know we have all
these feelings inside, likethose visceral reactions that I
was telling you about, like youknow that gut punch Like when
(11:27):
we're feeling that our socialengagement system is really not
engaged it's not online, becausewhen we're in danger, well,
socially engaging is notnecessarily the right move.
If we're being threatened bysomebody, right, like we need to
distance ourselves from them.
So we have this kind of they'recompeting mechanisms a little
(11:49):
bit and we need to be able toinfluence our safety in our in
ourselves, like just beingcomfortable enough with
ourselves to have that socialengagement system turned back on
so that we can really connectwith somebody, and then we can
really feel like those peopleare our people.
Like you know, when we're kids,if we grow up in an environment
(12:10):
where we have a lack ofattachment or insecure
attachment, or anxiousattachment, or feeling like
we're not enough, or feelinglike if we're told all the time
that we're too much that we're,or if our family is
hypercritical of us, then we'reshutting down our social
(12:32):
engagement system in all ofthose moments, and so we're
lacking the development in orderto like really feel confident
and really feel like it's okayand safe to be ourselves.
Michaela (12:45):
Yes, absolutely, and I see this in like kids that or
people that have likeneurodivergence, like ADHD.
You know there's so muchnegative reinforcement that
those kids have are getting fromlike the very, very beginning.
It's tough, like being a parentwith with like neurodivergent
(13:05):
kids.
Like I was at the movie theateryesterday and the guy selling
popcorn was like I I don'tremember exactly what he said,
but he was like man, he's gotenergy right, like he's, he's a
lot you know, and like peoplecan see that like these kids are
a lot.
(13:25):
So I think that we get a lot ofnegative reinforcement because
they're oftentimes not able toslow down enough to make good
calls and so then they get theirparents get frustrated with
them, or they get a lot of freedirection and that can be
overwhelming for them.
So then that can lead toindirectly, not on purpose that
(13:47):
can lead to them feeling verymisunderstood, like they don't
fit in.
Well then, if you have thisidea about yourself that you're
not okay, that you're alwaysgoing to get in trouble, that
you're not, you don't fit in,that's going to affect your
social engagement with people.
That's going to affect yourability to feel safe in social
situations, right?
Laura (14:07):
Absolutely.
I recognize that with myclients who grew up with ADHD or
who, like kids who have, youknow, neurodivergence.
Now I see that in them too, Isee this sense of there's
(14:27):
something wrong with me, notbecause of this, this
neurodivergence, but it'sbecause of the feedback.
Right, it's not.
I think there's something wrongwith me because the way my
brain works.
It's.
I think there's something wrongwith me because people tell me
there's something wrong with meall the time and I'm getting
this feedback from theenvironment that there's that
I'm doing something wrong orthat I'm doing something bad, or
(14:53):
that I don't have control overmyself, that I should.
There's a lot of shoulds inthose environments and I think
that's true for all kids.
When it comes to adults reallysending a message to kids that
kids are somehow not performingadequately, like, I see that a
(15:19):
lot.
Like you know, my kid lies, ormy kid's manipulative, or my kid
is this, or my kid is that Likemy kids, you know, when I'm
describing a good kid, I'mdescribing oh, they were so easy
, they never got into anytrouble, they were like
compliant, right.
And then when I'm hearing aparent describe a quote unquote
(15:41):
bad kid, it's like well, theygave me a really hard time.
They were always running intothings, they were always going
into trouble, they were always.
So it's like we have theseinherent.
We judge our kids automaticallyas adults, and so I think that
all kids and people really growup with that, at least in some
level.
Michaela (16:02):
And I think, like when you were saying all those
things, I was like, oh gosh,like that is all about the
parent.
How did it affect me?
Oh, I had to work so hard.
And so you know, we're judgingour kids and, yeah, it's all
(16:22):
about judgment and I think it'scoming from the fact that we
feel judged as parents.
We're judging ourselves and howwe must be falling short
because our kids are not doingwhat they're supposed to do and
like, oh, look at that kid.
That kid looks so good.
Like, why, like I must be doingsomething wrong or they must be
judging me that I'm doingsomething wrong, that my kid's
not doing what they're supposedto do.
Laura (16:45):
It's all about judgment.
It's all about judgment, likeparents judge each other, we
judge each other in society.
You know, moms judge each other.
We think about our outcomes andlike the success that we're
showing other people, but we'renot necessarily thinking about
the traits that got us there.
(17:06):
Right, we're, we're projectingthese outcomes, we're saying I'm
successful and we think thoseare the things that people
aren't going to, are going tojudge us about, but we're not
really focused on.
Well, why am I successful?
I work really hard, I am, I'mpassionate, I'm right, like
we're not.
So if we think about kids andwe talk the way we talk about
(17:27):
kids like oh well, they aregoing to this college and
they're playing this sport andthey're doing all these things
and they're involved in allthese activities, like okay, but
like that doesn't actually sayanything about the person, like
as a human being.
You're not saying like, oh,they're kind, they're passionate
, they are curious, they are,you know, engaged there, they
take care of, they take goodcare of themselves by, you know,
(17:51):
really investing in their ownwell-being and they get excited
about these things.
We don't describe our kids thatway.
Michaela (17:57):
No, oh, I think it even goes way back further, way
back before that.
Oh, my kid crawled, oh my kidsaid their first words and it's
like oh, my first kid did it atthis point and my second kid did
it at this point.
So what's wrong with my kid?
So it's even starting at likedevelopmental milestones.
Laura (18:20):
Yeah, that's such a good point.
I see that all the time when Isee like posts about people who
are questioning, like they'reasking their fellow mom group or
whatever.
Like you know, my oldest waswalking at eight months and you
know, my now my middle kid, ormy second kid is is barely been
(18:42):
crawling.
Like, if they skip crawling,like what does that mean about
them?
Like, does does that mean thatthey're going to be like you
know, uh, experience thisdevelopmental delay or this
problem or this, or that we'reso worried about our kids.
Like as parents, we are reallydoing a lot of judging our kids'
behaviors and it's because of,like you said, the way that that
(19:04):
reflects on us.
What will people think of me ifmy kid has a delay?
What will people think of me ifmy kid doesn't walk by this age
?
Or, you know, what will thedoctors think of me if I take my
kid in and they're sick?
Are they going to think thatI'm a bad parent, that I didn't
take good enough care of them?
What will the teachers think ofme if my child has a learning
(19:26):
difference?
Like, what will right, we applywhat other people do and we
apply outcomes to ourselves andhow that affects us.
Michaela (19:40):
Sure, yeah.
I mean, I remember thinkinglike, oh, I walked at nine
months, so my kids definitelygoing to walk by nine months,
right, like, you know, whateverLike, and I remember thinking
those things and it's soarbitrary.
It's like, okay, they didn'twalk till they were 12 months,
they still met their milestone.
They're perfectly normal,perfectly healthy.
Laura (20:00):
But I think that, like anxiety and like worry about
things, depression, those thingsare going to amplify our, our,
our like concerns about beingjudged, right, they're going to
affect how we feel aboutourselves and about our kids and
like what the world thinksabout us even more so, yeah,
(20:24):
overthinking and anxiety andshame-based thinking, um,
perfectionism, like those areall things that I can like that
really tie into this belief thatpeople are judging us all the
time and this like inherent needto judge ourselves and judge,
(20:44):
like the, our kids, and judge,you know, our outcomes.
And when we grow up like thoseof us who feel like we're being
judged all the time or we needto explain ourselves all the
time, often that's because wegrew up in an environment that
was very critical and very, Iwant to say, maybe closed to
(21:11):
other people's experiences, solike controlling environments
where if our, if the people whoraised us were constantly saying
, like well, you should be thisway or you should feel this way
or you should think this way,and there's not really an
exploration of like well, but Ithink this is that okay about me
.
Then we have this kind ofinternal judgment, that quote
(21:33):
unquote inner critic that wetalk about.
You know, like that innercritic who starts narrating you
know how everybody else must beseeing us and how we should see
ourselves because we're doingeverything wrong.
Michaela (21:45):
Yeah, and I think that you know, like you said, we
learn to think that way becauseof the way that, like the, the
way that people talk to us andthe way that, you know, people
tell us to think and we only canknow what we learn in childhood
(22:08):
until we get out into the worldand learn that in childhood,
until we get out into the worldand learn that, like, there's
other ways to think about things.
But that inner critic and thestory that we tell ourselves is
so powerful and can be reallyhard to overcome.
You know that if we have aparent that is very controlling
(22:29):
and, you know, is very, you know, hard on us and pushes us, you
know, but also by but pushes usin a way that, like, makes us
feel like we're a failure, wecan never live up to those
expectations, we start to haveperfectionism, like I should be
a perfection, I should beperfect, but like, why can't I
(22:52):
live up to my that expectationof perfectionism, right?
And so we're constantly judgingourselves based on that, that
idea that, like it's not safe tofail.
Laura (23:03):
Yeah, failure is not an option, failure is not okay and
failure is scary and unsafe.
And that also could be a partof the development of somebody
whose parents never let themfail Right.
So when we have parents whohave coddled us or, you know,
(23:24):
rescued us all the time, wemight feel like, you know, we're
not good enough, we might feellike we're not capable, we're
not able to do what we need todo because, like our parents
never trusted us.
They always felt like we weregoing to mess something up, or
we always mess something up, andthey always had to come to the
rescue.
So it still kind of feeds thatinternal narrative of, like that
(23:46):
critic who's saying, like well,you can't really do it on your
own.
Michaela (23:50):
Sure, well, and then if we have all these negative
thoughts about ourselves, thesecognitive distortions, mental
mistakes, where we think likeyou know, I'm not good enough,
or you know I'm going to mess upor I'm going to embarrass
myself or whatever, then when wehave that internal critic, we
(24:13):
then find ourselves putting, youknow, like that mind reading
kind of thing, where we'reputting those thoughts on other
people Well, if I think thisabout myself, then they must
think it about me too, like.
And so then we have, you know,it makes it harder to enjoy
experiences with other peoplebecause we always are thinking
that they're they, they thinkthat same stuff about us yeah,
(24:37):
and then we're looking for thatreinforcement.
Laura (24:40):
so, whatever our inner critic says, we're looking for
cues in the environment thatreinforce that idea.
So then when somebody, like,looks over in my direction and
then turns back to their friendand laughs at their friend's
joke, then I'm thinking they'relaughing at me, right, like.
Michaela (24:57):
so I'm constantly seeking evidence that this is
true, that that's that this iswhat's really happening and that
they're judging me and laughingat me even though there's so
many other, like you know, cuesto the opposite or like things
that prove the opposite, likenone of those things matter,
because that one thing happenedand therefore that must be true.
Laura (25:20):
Well, right, and we're always telling our brain what to
look for.
Like we're telling our brainwhat's important.
So when we have this loud innercritic that is telling us that
we need to change the way we are, show up differently, put on
this mask socially or, you know,behave a different way, that
(25:44):
we're not good enough.
We've got all this stuff goingon, we're telling our brain,
we're sort of reinforcing like,hey, this is the most important
thing.
So notice everything that youcan find that reinforces this
idea and that continues to provethat you're right, and make
sure that you are focused onmaking these changes.
(26:04):
I think a lot of the time whenwe see this evidence or we see
this reinforcement coming in, wethink that that means something
.
We're taking that to mean thatwe're right and that we are
imperfect, and that we are, youknow, a failure, or that we are,
you know, not good enough, orthat we are too much.
Like we're taking all thosethings to like validate that and
(26:28):
to mean that when really we'rejust noticing things that
reinforce that, it's they'rejust coincidence, like it's not
really more fear response.
Michaela (26:37):
Right, we're, we're feared full that we're gonna be
judged because of these areasthat we're most insecure or
ashamed of.
And then we look, our brain ison scan for them because it's
trying to protect us from danger.
And that's the danger, right,like it's dangerous to be that,
like so, like we're having aconversation and we're talking
(26:57):
and then all of a sudden, likeyou, you say something that
makes me feel like, um, I saidsomething stupid and my, that
might, like you know, make myfear response kick in.
And I'm like, oh, and then mybrain goes blank and I'm like I
don't know how to respond tothat, right, like, oh, that that
(27:18):
was a trigger for me, right,and then I'm like, then I would
go into fear response, right,and then we don't know how to
respond in those situationsbecause it's dangerous.
Laura (27:24):
Yeah, absolutely, and we need to learn how to work with
it right.
We need to learn how to teachourselves to get out of that
fear response and recognize thatour thoughts aren't always like
facts, so not to believeeverything we think Exactly.
Michaela (27:46):
Because that thought that if we can anticipate or
protect ourselves from havingthat judgment happen is false.
It's not really true, becausepeople are going to judge us.
It's just nature and it doesn'tmean anything bad about us if
they do.
Laura (28:08):
That's such a good point .
It doesn't mean anything badabout us, even if somebody is
judging me like people arejudging us right now at like.
I know that you and me, like weput ourselves out in the world
sometimes, like on this podcast,for example I know that there
are people that are judging mebased on maybe my uh verbal
crutches or my like ideas orwhatever you know.
(28:33):
Maybe they disagree with me,maybe they think that what I
said is stupid.
Because I exist in the world,there will be judgments Like I
can't exist in the world withouthaving other people like think
something about me that maybe Iwouldn't want them to think or
maybe I wouldn't want to be seenthat way.
But I also know that if I'mauthentic and I show up in a way
(28:55):
that is true to me and that ismy authentic self, like with my
social engagement system turnedon, saying I'm safe, I'm here,
this is who I am, I makemistakes and that's okay Then
you know I can live with that.
Michaela (29:10):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's such a good point,and I think that you know, when
you're having that moment ofbeing like oh no, like I'm going
to be judged or I feel weird,right, like you're having that
moment, you can say like, okay,just name it.
Like is this, this is a pasttrigger for me, Like I know that
(29:30):
this is just my inner criticsaying, like, saying the things
that I, you know, think aboutmyself.
I'm, you know, putting my ownthoughts onto somebody else
right now, like this doesn't,this isn't true.
And it doesn't have to meananything about me, right, maybe
it's partially true, like, maybeyou know there is something
that has some truth to it, butit doesn't mean that there's
(29:52):
doesn't mean that I'm bad, right, I don't need to feel shame, I
don't feel like, I don't need tofeel bad about that.
Laura (30:02):
It might be true, and I can work on that.
Absolutely None of us areperfect, and that's okay.
We will make mistakes.
We will say things that areless than representative of our
entire cognitive abilities, likewe will make, um statements
that don't necessarily representwho we fully are and that we
(30:24):
want people to understand.
Um, we will have opinions thatare unpopular.
Sometimes we will have ideasthat not everybody is going to
love, like that's okay, thatdoesn't say anything bad about
us.
There's not a, there's notalways a specific right and a
specific wrong.
I think that black and whitethinking of, like I can be
(30:45):
perfect and I can be right allthe time and I could maybe never
mess something up.
That's not real.
Michaela (30:53):
Agreed.
So I think what I'm hearing yousay is like that we need to
practice having some compassionfor ourselves, so that we can
kind of let go of the need to beperfect and do everything right
or look the right way all ofthe time.
Laura (31:13):
Absolutely the right way all of the time, absolutely
Compassion for ourself.
And then also, we need to havesome capacity to evaluate, like,
is this really happening or isthis just a thing that I think
is happening, like checking theevidence right, like and kind of
saying, like, what's the worstcase scenario here?
Is somebody judging me Maybe?
(31:34):
Well then, what right, what'sthe worst thing that could
happen?
Or, you know, noticing, um, arethey actually thinking about me
or are they just talkingamongst each other?
And then, knowing that I can'tread their minds, like I can
never know what other peoplethink of me and that's okay.
Michaela (31:53):
Yeah, I like that.
I also think about, you know,all of the information that's
coming into us all of the time,right?
And so if we're scrolling onInstagram and we're seeing all
these people who are in our likefield or who are doing
(32:14):
something that we want to do andwe're not there yet, or
whatever like we're, we'relooking at all of this stuff all
the time.
You know, maybe we need to like, unsubscribe or like, unfollow
those things so that we can takea break from having to put that
pressure on ourselves or likeor like, get rid of some of the
(32:34):
things that amplify ourself-judgment.
Laura (32:38):
I agree with that.
I talk about that with myclients all the time.
Like curating your content,curating your feed to show
growth, mindset things to show.
To show you things that promotegrowth instead of perfection.
To show you things that promotegrowth instead of perfection.
To show you things that promotecompassion instead of outcomes.
(32:59):
Measures like to inspire youversus to feel like you're
belittled.
And sometimes we just need totake a break from online in
general.
We need to separate ourselvesand go outside and connect with
our family and connect with ourfriends and connect with the
people who we know and reallycare about and we need to kind
(33:25):
of reconnect with ourselves Like.
Another way to do that is likea vision board.
I think about kind of puttingyourself, putting up a vision of
like who.
How do you see your best self?
How do you see yourself today?
Where do you want to go?
Um, giving yourself some spaceto explore what's important to
you and who you truly act whoyou truly are versus who do you
(33:49):
want people to think you are?
Or who do you want Like who?
What do people see you as?
Michaela (33:53):
Yeah, that's good.
One of the things that I wasthinking about as you were
talking is like, okay, we'vetalked a lot about feeling
judged.
What if we're the people thatare doing the judging Like?
What if we find ourselves causelike I don't?
I mean, we're all makingjudgments all the time?
(34:13):
If you say that you're not, youare lying to yourself, right,
because we're all makingjudgments, but we can choose to.
It's how we choose to use thosejudgments.
And so I think, like thinkingabout like how we're portraying
(34:34):
those judgments to the world,right, and like being mindful of
how that like might affect yourown feelings about yourself,
right, like because I know that,like when I have said things
that maybe aren't the kindest,or like whatever, I don't feel
very good about myself afterthat, you know.
And so just being mindful of,like, how we're treating others
(34:56):
when we do have those judgmentsand things, I think that that's
important too.
Laura (35:02):
Yeah, I agree with that, and also letting those
judgments go quickly, right, notholding on to them.
So like we can't control ourthoughts.
But what we can do is we canwork with our thoughts in a
different way.
Our thoughts, but what we cando is we can work with our
thoughts in a different way.
So if a thought comes in thatisn't very kind, we can just, oh
(35:23):
, that maybe wasn't very kind ofme to think that's okay, I
don't need to like, beratemyself about it, I don't need to
tell myself I was the worst,I'm the worst, like I don't need
to, I don't need to make thatmean anything.
I can just say, hmm, that wasthe thought.
I'm probably not going to gowith that one.
I'm going to find anotherthought instead, exactly.
Michaela (35:38):
Yeah, cause I think that, like you know, we could
talk about how it might not makepeople feel good if we, like
are talking about someone who'ssitting over there, right.
It also affects ourselves and,like I know that I feel so much
better when I like spreadpositivity and I have good,
positive things to say and Ilift people up, but sometimes we
(36:02):
can, you know, be sucked intothat whole like spiral of like
pulling other people down and Ithink that, like we do that
because we are trying to likemake ourselves feel better, or
maybe we think we're likehelping somebody else in some
kind of way, like pointing outthere, you know, think that you
(36:22):
know, we're judging them andwe're pointing out things about
them that might, that might hurttheir feelings.
And I don't, like you know, wemight be doing it because we
think we're being helpful, butmaybe, like that isn't coming
across the way we think it'scoming across.
Laura (36:35):
Right, like it's not as helpful as we might think it is.
I can.
That reminds me of a joke thathappens between me and my mom
all the time.
Like cause with.
As parents of kids who are nowadults, my, so my mom and I will
tend to be we tend to becritical Like we tend to be the
(36:58):
glasses half empty sometimes,like, so we'll make comments
about, like what's going on insomebody's life, like each other
.
Like maybe I'll say you know,oh, I made this huge mistake,
like I don't know what I wasthinking Like.
And then she might saysomething like well, why didn't
you think about that before?
And then I'm like what's yourgoal?
Right, like, what is your goalhere?
(37:19):
And so, like, if one of my kidssays something and then I'm
like, well, you should have doneit like this.
It's like, what was your goal?
Like, how's that helpful?
It's not that helpful, I know.
Michaela (37:29):
I hate when.
Laura (37:30):
I'm critical.
Yeah, whenever we're beingcritical, we kind of have to
step back and ask ourselves likewhat was your goal there?
Like what?
Michaela (37:38):
was the point?
What was the point?
Yeah, it's already done, right?
They can't go back and undo it,right?
Yeah, to be like, you shouldhave thought about that before
you did that.
Laura (37:49):
Right.
Like nobody finds that useful.
Michaela (37:55):
I know, but I think that, like also we don't.
I think that comes from a placeof like, we feel helpless or,
like you know, are frustratedthat it happened and, in part,
as the parents, sometimes we'remad at ourselves for letting it
happen.
Yeah, so I think, like it'seasier to like blame our kid or
(38:15):
blame somebody else than it isto blame ourselves.
Laura (38:19):
And we're often silently blaming ourselves and then
outside blaming others, likewe're often sort of projecting
what we think about ourselvesand what we think about like our
own stuff onto other people.
And so, like you were saying,to just be kind of mindful about
that and mindful about where weare and mindful about what is
(38:41):
helpful about moving forward inthis way and maybe it's not that
helpful and we can move forwardin a different way.
Michaela (38:48):
Yes, absolutely.
And I think that, like, withthat you know, I'm not I'm not
going to say that I'm like themost positive and like always
happy and whatever person, right.
But I think that, like,ultimately, we need to surround
ourselves with people that aresafe and that we don't
(39:08):
constantly feel judged by.
And I think we, if we have arelationship where we don't feel
like it's that safe, it doesn'tmean like write it off, but I
think that, like, we need towork on setting some healthy
boundaries with those people sothat they can know, like maybe
they don't know that thatbothers us, right, like that
they're constantly, you know,criticizing something about us
(39:31):
or telling us that you knowsomething, they like something
else or they don't like thatthing, right, and maybe we need
to set a boundary with thatperson and say like hey, I feel
I feel sad when you say that tome or I feel, you know that
makes me upset.
When you know you, you pointthose things out to me and we
(39:52):
and you can bring it to theirattention that, like, maybe they
are hurting your feelings insome kind of way and they can
learn to respect that, you know.
But if you just let them,they've they.
For years and years and yearsthey've said whatever they
wanted to say and you never seta boundary.
You just quietly felt judgedand sad and hurt.
By what?
By those things they have,nohmm.
Laura (40:16):
I think that's such a good point, especially when
you're feeling judged and you'remaybe being judged by people
who are the closest to you, whoare your safe people.
You can set boundaries withyour safe people and maintain
those relationships in a reallyhealthy way.
Like we have basically learnedthat the that people are not
(40:39):
safe and we need to unlearn that.
We need to unlearn that fearand change the way that we
perceive our relationships interms of safety and in terms of
danger.
Like hey, it is safe to speakup for ourself, it is okay to be
authentically us and say, likehey, that hurts my feelings and
it is okay to be vulnerable inthat way.
Michaela (41:00):
Yeah, absolutely, and people can treat us with respect
and learn how to be safe withus.
They can be a safe person ifthey really know what that means
for you.
Yeah, I love that that meansfor you?
Laura (41:18):
Yeah, I love that.
Well, I think that's a greatplace to end it for today, so
thank you so much for thisconversation.
This was excellent.
Yes, I learned so much.
I always do, so thank you somuch for listening to.
Why Am I Like this?
And if you like our show,please leave us a rating and
review on your favorite podcastplatform.
Follow the show and share itwith your friends.
(41:39):
This episode was written andproduced by me, laura Wood and
Michaela LaBeaver.
Our theme song is Making Ends.
Meet by Thickest Thieves, and aspecial thanks to Core Self,
Benavieri Counseling, and ActiveHealing Psychiatric Services
for sponsoring our show.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.