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October 29, 2025 • 15 mins

This is Part 1 of a 5 part series: The 5 Blindspots Secretly Sabotaging Your Sobriety.  I share  the three key reasons why distraction and replacement don’t lead to lasting change. Discover how to confront your beliefs, meet your real needs, and break free from the exhaustion of avoidance. Join me for a feminine-based approach to sustainable sobriety and start living your wildest, alcohol-free life!

• why avoidance keeps you attached to alcohol
• the belief ladder and confirmation bias
• planning mindset and body state for events
• case study of a date night that disproves a story
• the relaxation myth vs real nervous system shifts
• exhaustion from controlling environments
• replacing rumination with evaluation and skills
• focusing on thoughts, emotions, and actions you control

🌹Schedule A Free Private Strategy Session With Mary Today and Take Your Power Back 

Download The Permission Protocol — my free 5-part mini-course — and start practicing the skills that make alcohol irrelevant on your terms.

DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:05):
Child sobriety is for the woman who has outgrown
alcohol and was never meant tofollow the script.
I'm Mary Wagstaff, a holisticalcohol coach, and after 20
years of daily drinking, Ifinally made alcohol irrelevant
in my life, and now I help womenjust like you do the same
through my proven five chipsprocess.

(00:25):
Welcome to Wild Sobriety,Feminine Freedom Beyond Alcohol.
In today's video, you are goingto learn why avoiding alcohol is
secretly sabotaging yoursobriety.
This is one out of five videosof the five blind spots that
have been secretly sabotagingyour sobriety, keeping you stuck

(00:46):
on the merry-go-round of alcoholexhaustion, stopping and
starting.
And after you learn these fiveblind spots, your journey of
sobriety is going to be so muchmore simple.
Take notes and really watch outfor these areas in your life.
Avoiding alcohol really keepsyou attached to alcohol.

(01:06):
And there are three key pointsthat I want to share with you.
And there's so many otherreasons why avoiding alcohol
isn't the solution tosustainable sobriety or actually
quitting alcohol.
If you are new here as well as Iam.

(01:28):
Hi, my name is Mary Wagstaff,and I am a holistic alcohol
coach and mentor for women.
I've been doing this work forover five years and teaching,
guiding women also through mypodcast, Stop Drinking and Start
Living.
But now we are here on thechannel of Wild Sobriety.
And I couldn't be more thrilledto have you be here along for

(01:49):
the journey.
And I am here along with foryour journey as well.
Please subscribe to the show sothat we can create a community
here and we can share in thecomments.
There's going to be livestreams, and I would just love
to know what will serve youhere.
And this is the main reason Icame over to YouTube.
Not only so I could connect withyou and you can put a face to

(02:11):
the name, and I can share withyou about my story and other
things that I'm doing to throw abetter party than alcohol and
keep sobriety wild because trulyit is the wildest expression of
ourselves.
And I'll talk more about thatname later.
But please let me know what itis that you're looking for, what
you need support with as awoman.

(02:32):
And this is a feminine-basedapproach to sobriety because we
really want to honor theever-changing needs of our
evolution as women.
And there are so many componentsand facets that go into being a
woman and really honoring thatdeep experience of our own
cyclical nature.

(02:53):
Avoiding alcohol can come inmany ways.
It can come through distraction,replacement, and just simply not
wanting to look at it and hopingthat it can just go away.
And this is extremely normal.
We think, okay, if I just don'tdo something, then it can go
away.
But the reason that this neverworks is because the habit is

(03:14):
still lurking in the backgroundand you're never really getting
to the root cause of why you arecontinuing to drink.
Now, of course, alcohol is anaddictive substance and it
escalates all on its own.
And if you have started drinkingfrom a young age, most of the
chances are that it was prettyunintentional.

(03:34):
But as you grow older and as youage, you don't realize that
alcohol is solving for problemsthat you didn't even know you
had.
And I know that was myperspective, or at least that
was my experience.
And that's been the experienceof so many of my clients.
The reason avoiding alcohol iskeeping you attached is because

(03:55):
when we don't look at the storyand the beliefs underneath it,
we simply continue to believethat they are true.
Simple thoughts that you've hadon repeat over and over and over
again, as easy as simple aslike, I can't celebrate without
alcohol.
I can't handle it.
Things aren't fun.
If you simply avoid all of thethings that you are doing with

(04:17):
alcohol and you distractyourself, you replace it.
And none of these things areinherently bad.
And if they support you, go forit.
But at the same time, we don'twant to just start a new habit
that is seemingly positive toreplace a habit that we haven't
actually unlearned.
Because unlearning somethingthat's as profound as alcohol is

(04:39):
going to take more effort thanlearning a new habit.
And so when you start a newhabit, like an exercise routine,
or I'm going to go on a diet,now you have two things that
you're going to struggle withand that you're going to fail
with.
And then you're going to say,screw it, because you only have
so much bandwidth to change onething at a time.
And that's what I really suggestat the beginning is don't
substitute alcohol for somethingelse.

(05:01):
Now, naturally, you're going tohave time and you're going to
want to do new things.
And I used to go for walks atthat kind of witching hour in
the evening and listen topodcasts and really honor
myself.
I would go to listen topodcasts, things that were
inspiring to me.
But at the same time, I wasn'tavoiding alcohol.
I was actually moving towardsit, really trying to understand

(05:22):
and unpack all of the storiesthat I had had that eventually
turned into my five shiftsprocess.
When you keep those beliefsalive, you never get to disprove
them.
I look at the relationship thatwe have with alcohol as a
ladder.
And there's all these rungs onthe ladder that create our whole

(05:43):
belief system about that thing.
And this is what confirmationbias is.
You go out into the world andyou're like, see, see, see, I
it's true, it's true, it's true.
And you just keep climbing thatladder and you're looking, your
view is from that ladder.
Our job to create sustainablesobriety on purpose with
intention that's going to reallyenhance our life in every area

(06:05):
of our life is to start todisprove and take down the rungs
of that ladder.
And as we're doing thatsimultaneously, we start to
prove to ourselves and build anew belief ladder for our
sustainable sobriety, for ourwild sobriety.
And it doesn't even have to bethrough the lens of sobriety,

(06:25):
just for our life beyondalcohol.
As you're dismantling this,you're growing this.
And if you avoid alcohol, youwill never get to disprove your
beliefs.
If you're avoiding alcohol, youwill never get to disprove your
beliefs.
For example, I had a client thatrecently went out on a date
night with her husband.
And it was, it's been prettyearly in her sober journey.

(06:48):
Now, most of us have tried toquit every single week,
sometimes every single day.
And that's something that we'llget into later.
How the statistics out therejust aren't actually true to
what real women, real everydaywomen are going through in their
lives.
We use the five shifts process.
We use some other tools that Ihave in my tool bag that I teach
my clients.

(07:09):
And we planned not just what isshe gonna drink, we planned her
mindset.
We got into her body, we didembodiment work.
We planned, she implemented andexecuted, and then we evaluated.
And from that experience, whatshe told me was that one
experience that taught her anddisproved the belief that she

(07:32):
couldn't celebrate withoutalcohol, she realized she could
celebrate without alcoholbecause she had that experience
was more beneficial than ahundred days of not drinking,
especially through the lens.
Now, had she not gone out onthat date with her husband, or
had she gone out on that dateand when she was just focused on
having mocktails and what shewas gonna be drinking and

(07:57):
nervous and just focused onalcohol the whole time, it
wouldn't have had the impactthat it had.
The second reason that avoidingalcohol is secretly sabotaging
your sobriety is because younever get a chance to really
understand and meet your ownneeds.
You don't bring awareness towhat it is that alcohol is doing

(08:21):
for you that you think you can'tdo on your own.
And if it's actually true thatit's really doing that.
And here's another example.
I was talking to a client who,and I she had the same kind of
witching hour, five o'clock,unintentionally pouring a drink
at five o'clock, thinking thatit was her time to relax.
But every time she wouldactually sit down with that

(08:42):
drink, she couldn't sit still.
It made her antsy.
So inevitably she was up.
And I always call this the partyof one, where we're kind of like
relaxed in our body, we'refeeling loose, no one really
knows how we feel inside, butwe're still able to do all the
things cook the dinner, tidy upthe house, put the kids to bed,
all of those things.

(09:02):
All the meanwhile, we haven'tactually relaxed.
There's no actual relaxing.
And what this person hadobserved was mind blown by the
fact that she could sit downwith just a glass of water and
have water with her feet up, notfeeling antsy, actually enjoying
it.
And all she ever needed to dowas give herself permission to

(09:24):
do the thing and to have thattransitional period in between
work and home time where therewas an opportunity to actually
soften her nervous system, notjust keep up with the energy of
the day, but balance the energyof the evening by getting
herself prepared, giving herselfpermission to celebrate and, you

(09:46):
know, find that moment ofcatharsis after a long day, and
then get up and be present withher family.
Really look at her intentionsthat she had for the evening.
Wow.
So the idea that alcoholactually is relaxing me, and
that's the need that you haveturns out that's not actually
true at all.
That they're that you're nevereven sitting down with the

(10:10):
alcohol.
It is what it's actually doing,is it's softening the thoughts
that are inhibiting your abilityto relax.
Any thought that you have that'screating nervousness, that's
creating discomfort, it isinhibiting those thoughts, but
it's not actually doing thething.

(10:30):
What's actually doing the thingis when you sit down with
permission and take a deepbreath.
The third reason that avoidingalcohol is secretly sabotaging
your sobriety is because it iscreating way more exhaustion
than you realize.
Avoiding alcohol takes so muchmore effort than actually

(10:53):
confronting the story,generating more awareness of
what's underneath the habit thanyou even realize.
And that is why you areexhausted, because so many of
that, so much of that back andforth and the questioning that's
happening anyway in thebackground, even while you're
avoiding it, could completely beput to rest through the process

(11:16):
of the five shifts of what Iteach through my sustainable
sobriety kit and throughone-on-one coaching.
We actually answer the questionsthat have only just been, you've
only just been ruminating on.
You have to answer thequestions, and that's where you
gain control.
As you're avoiding alcohol andyou're controlling your
environment, you're controllingthe places you go, you're

(11:38):
controlling the people that yousee, you're controlling the
action, everything around you,and you know, the making sure
that you have a mock tail,making excuses, you know,
binging on Netflix, whatever itis.
And again, none of these thingsare inherently bad.
But what I want, my invitationto you is to expedite your

(12:00):
results, to go further quickerby actually confronting the
story and generate, and we dothat by generating awareness.
What's the truth about what yourbrain has been telling you?
Because your thoughts, by theway, just to let you in on a
tip, your thoughts are notfacts.
Your thoughts are subjectiveinterpretations, most of them

(12:23):
hypothetical, most of them thathaven't even happened, not just
yours, mine too.
This is how we think.
We don't think in facts.
Oh, the sky is blue, the barn isred.
We don't think in facts.
We think in subjectiveinterpretations based on our
life's experience.
It's your opportunity to godeeper, to have maybe a good

(12:46):
laugh at yourself, even thoughthis is a serious matter, and
think, oh my gosh, none of thisis even true.
And once you start to unpackthat and see it, and you look
alcohol and all of your beliefsand all of your thoughts in the
face, you realize, I canactually let this go because
everything I've been tellingmyself simply isn't true.
And there's parts of it that youwant to be true, but then what

(13:09):
we do is we work towardsbuilding that skill set because
the things that you thinkalcohol is needing for you, you
actually get to meet on yourown.
And instead of controlling theworld around you, you get to
control your thoughts, be thewatcher of your mind, your
emotions, your behavior.

(13:31):
And this is what actuallycreates the ultimate freedom.
We work to disprove the story,meet your own needs better than
alcohol ever could, and learn toidentify what's actually in your
control and what's not, so thatyou can relieve some of that

(13:52):
alcohol exhaustion.
When you try to control theworld and alcohol, it is
exhausting.
Alcohol's not going anywhere.
But when you look to change yourmind, you will expedite your
results in ways that you neverknew how.
And while you're working onthis, you are keep your nervous
system, you're stay relaxed,you'll stay curious and

(14:14):
compassionate.
And the best way I know how todo that is through my free
guide.
It's called 60 Seconds to Calm.
And it is going to help you findrelief quicker than it takes to
pour a drink.
Seriously.
And these are not mantras, theseare not positive affirmations,
these are actual words that whenyou say them, our words are

(14:36):
spells.
They actually help you findrelief.
Because the thoughts that youthink are generating your
emotions.
And if you go even deeper, Iwould love to invite you to come
and schedule a strategy sessionwith me where we can talk about
exactly where you're at and theexact thoughts that you have,
and to help you work towardsdisproving them so that you can

(14:59):
start to find relief eventhrough your journey.
Because taking your last sip isnot the first step, generating
new awarenesses.
Make sure you subscribe to thechannel, like, follow, and I
will see you in the next one.
Thank you, my beautiful wildwomen, for being here.
If you are loving the show, Iwant to invite you to come on
over to my YouTube channel,MaryWagstaff Holistic Wellness.

(15:22):
And don't forget to download thefree guide, 60 Seconds to Calm.
This is going to help you find arelief from any emotion and less
time than it takes to pour adrink.
Have a beautiful day, and thankyou so much for being part of
this community.
It wouldn't be the same withoutyou.
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