Andre Paradis on Gender Communication and Building Stronger Relationships

In this episode of Wisdom on the Front Porch, LS Kirkpatrick is joined by Andre Paradis to explore the nuances of communication between genders. They discuss the importance of actively listening and understanding men's processing time, handling mansplaining, and the emotional aspects of communication. The conversation emphasizes the value of visual directions and embracing differences in relationships, while also focusing on clarifying misunderstandings and expressing feelings constructively. Andre shares techniques for adapting communication styles, avoiding assumptions, and improving overall communication. The episode wraps up with gratitude for listeners, a call for reviews, and a reminder to subscribe.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to Wisdom on the Front Torch.

(00:02):
Subscribe, ring the bell, like,
and
share the wisdom.
Pull up a chair and join us with today's guest.
So, one, I have to apologize.
You would think I would know how to tell timeby now, but with all these time zones, I was an
hour off.
But we're here.
We're live, and I hope, you know, we're gonnahave the replay so the questions will still get

(00:23):
answered that were sent in.
And if you have questions, go ahead and joinus, and we'll start.
Andre, go ahead and introduce yourself because,really, you're gonna be the man here.
You're gonna be the one answering the questionsbecause you've got got the most amazing way for
communication.

(00:44):
So I'll let you introduce yourself here.
So and I'm I'm hoping some people that arejoining us here have listened to the podcast,
and they're sort of now curious because theoffer is come and join us.
And if you have personal questions, let'saddress your personal questions.
So it's another way for you and I to give andto provide, you know, some help, some support.
But my name is Andre Parity.
I'm a relationship coach.

(01:05):
I'm an NLP practitioner, and that is the workthat I use the the tools that I use to release
trauma from the nervous system because I can Ialways say I can't get anybody in a healthy
relationship with if you carry the baggage ofyour traumas from childhood, from other
relationships?
So this is essential.
It's a huge part of it.
Also an educator effective communicationstrategies.

(01:28):
Mouthful.
But if you understand, you know, know,communication is the thing that we do the worst
at in life, like, especially between men andwomen because we communicate and speak
completely differently.
People don't usually understand that at all,but it's really part of the collision, the
frustration, the anger because we we have twodifferent filters in the way we hear and listen

(01:51):
to people.
And men listen for things with the words, andwomen listen for things with the tones and and
the end to the innuendo.
So we both don't even know how clue like, howthat mechanism works, so we constantly just
miss the boat.
And stuff like, he doesn't hear me.
I try to tell him.
I try to tell her what.
Like, because we literally speak two differentlanguages, which just sounds ridiculous, right,

(02:15):
because we look at each other.
I speak English.
You hear the words.
But man to man, it works.
Moman to woman, it works who have the samestyle.
But man to woman is very challenging.
So that's the big part of the work.
This communication, whether it's your lovedynamic, your parent child dynamic, right, your
teachers and students or employer employee,like, we we suck at it.

(02:35):
We just suck at it.
So it's something that we have to practice alot.
A lot.
A lot.
A lot because it's it's it's delicate.
It's delicate a lot.
And, you know, like I said, not understandinghow we misunderstand or they're not
misbehaving.
They're just filtering their own way anyway.
So Right.
That's who I am.

(02:56):
Well, that's that's a lot, but it's true.
We it's amazing how much we do filter throughour lives that we've had growing up.
I do have some questions that that were emailedto me Beautiful.
Answer and get those done.
But I thank you so much for being here.
I thank you for those that are watching live orthe replay, and, hopefully, we get answers to

(03:22):
the questions you've been having and maybethose moments that go, oh, that's why.
Yeah.
I love that.
I I love that too.
Yes.
That's why I'm here.
So I'm gonna start with the first question, andTerrence is here.
If you want to put something in the chat, goahead, Terrence.
And and I'm sorry.

(03:43):
I'm not watching the Facebook Live, but I'lltry and do that while Andre is answering
questions.
But one of the questions we had and also I saidwas how can I actively listen to someone
without interrupting?
Now before you answer that, I found out thatpart of my ADHD is I interrupt not because I

(04:10):
want to interrupt the person, but if I don'task my question when I think of it, I forget my
question, then it never gets answered.
Or I'm so excited about connecting with thatperson.
It's like, oh, we connect on this that Iinterrupt to share something.
So Yes.
That's something I've had to work with andlearned, and I still interrupt sometimes on

(04:32):
purpose.
But how can you actively listen withoutinterrupting somebody and still retain that
conversation?
That's a big one because, again, we have twodifferent mechanisms.
We have two different mechanisms in placebetween men and women.
So women talk to connect, to be part of, tofeel connected to the person.

(04:57):
Right?
There's a woman women wanna feel connected tofeel safe.
So if you get into conversation somebody, blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, the
the topic, the meaning, the point is notimportant.
It's really in the moment, the connection, theconversation that makes a woman feel safe and
connected.
Right?
So whether it's with women or men, women talkto connect.

(05:17):
That's how they connect.
We do not connect by talking at all.
Right?
So that's not how we do it.
So we don't understand that when you'retalking, you're trying to connect.
And part of that is and by the way, that makesyou completely normal woman.
Right?
That's just how it works.
The need to connect the need to jump in.

(05:37):
So you'll ask a question.
Right?
And, typically, it takes a few seconds for aminute to start answering the questions.
It's gotta act like, you know, what kind of isit is it we don't the the depth of the question
and sort of you know, I'll take it seriouslybecause you're asking because when I'm asking,
that means that I'm you know, I I need ananswer.
Right?
So we we we process the way that we think youare.

(05:58):
Then also sometimes we have to check if thequestions are trapped and how I'm gonna answer
or avoid the trap, I guess.
It takes a moment for most men to startanswering a question, like, twenty seconds or
so.
Right?
And often not understanding that as a womanbecause you could just start talking.
When you talk to each other, it's like like,instantly, right, instantaneously.
She's not even done with a question you'restarting to answer.

(06:21):
Not understanding the mechanism of man thinkingabout what he's about to say, often ladies will
think, well, I guess he didn't hear thequestion and change a question, which which
resets him again to go, okay.
Wait.
Hold on.
That's a different question.
Right?
And it and it and it so often, you get we getinterrupted even before we start.
I'm trying to answer the question.
I'm thinking about it.
I'm trying to words that interruption.

(06:43):
So, typically, if you do this to a man, like,beyond three times, he gets mad, and you all
seem shut down and go, I guess she doesn'twanna hear it.
You're like, no.
No.
I really wanna hear it, but you keepinterrupting.
Because interruption for us is is not onlyrude.
It's disrespectful.
I'm respectfully trying to answer the question,and you keep interrupting me.
Right?
But part of the nature of a woman is theconnection.

(07:05):
And so often, even when I'm a start will startanswering a question, you'll jump in with, oh
my god.
Me too.
I'd love to tell you.
And you go, what?
Why why are you interrupting?
Like, I don't need you to confirm what I'msaying.
I know what I'm saying.
But it's a it's a female connection thing.
So I'd say understanding, like you said,sometimes you're very aware you're
interrupting.
Right?
But often, you're not.

(07:27):
Right?
And you'll see the man clenched.
He feels that he gets interrupted too manytimes, and he stops talking.
And I'm gonna say it.
You know, it's nobody's fault.
It's not understanding these things.
But the reason why most women get a one wordanswer is because we were trained since
childhood that no matter how I try to answer aquestion, I can never finish.
So I guess you don't wanna hear it.
So you want the connection.

(07:49):
You want the answers.
You want the conversation to feel connected,but we've learned that you don't wanna hear it.
So, you know, how was your day?
Good.
How was the meeting?
Awesome.
Well, like, who you know, what happened?
You've been working on us for three months.
They bought it.
Like, you want all the juicy details to feelconnected, but we learned that you don't wanna

(08:09):
hear it.
That's because you keep jumping.
This is how it occurs to us.
Right?
It's not really the truth.
It's how it occurs.
So just just with the way I put it is ask aquestion and put a tape on your mouth.
Right?
And just look him in his eyes.
Be connected to him because he needs that.
Right?
But don't interrupt.
And that's really hard to do.
It takes a lot of practice.
I'm just saying.
So that's a huge one.

(08:29):
Right?
Let him answer the question.
By the way, right, if you don't interruptbecause women will say to me, like, so how do I
know, you know, when I get to ask a question?
If he's you know, ask a question and he'stalking, you know, when is it my turn?
I go, he'll tell you.
Because if you actually pay attention and don'tsay anything, right, you could you could nod
your head and agree with him that way, but makeno noise.

(08:51):
Don't uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Don't me too.
Like, no.
None of that.
If you want the answers.
Right?
But at the end, the guy will talk, talk, talk,talk.
He'll stop.
And then you think that's open end opening?
If you if you don't do anything, he'll comehe'll he'll continue to give you more, and
he'll stop again.
Don't interrupt because he's processing.

(09:12):
Right?
And then so so you you get three or four ofthese.
Sometimes five is a question that's profound.
My point is if you don't interrupt him andreally, like, even in the pauses in between his
interruption, he's gonna go deep.
All the stuff you're trying to find out fromhim, what's really going on inside of him, will
show up.
And then are you ready?
This is so simple.
Every we all do it.

(09:32):
And we'll then announce when we're done.
Men will finish with that's what I think aboutthis.
This is what it is.
That's it.
That's and I think they'll we'll announce whenwe're done talking and answer the question, and
then you could jump in.
Does that help?
That make sense?
Do you see it?
That's really great.
I never thought about that.
So Gotcha.
I I can hear the question that someone issaying, what about the mansplaining?

(09:56):
I just want a quick simple answer.
Yes, no, or or is this a good idea?
And they go into all the Yep.
How do you handle that situation?
Well, you have to understand another anotherdifference between men and women is that if you
ask my opinion about something, my opinion isnot just flighty.

(10:16):
It's not in the moment.
It's not what I'm know, what's going on rightnow.
A man's opinion is based on his character,right, his values, and all the data that he's
collected to back up, you know, his values andhis character and, you know, what he believes
to be right.
Do know what I mean?
So you ask a question, and you get adissertation.

(10:37):
Because what he's telling you, basically, it'sa reflection.
He's gonna respond to his your his opinion isbased on who he is as a man and everything that
he values.
So it it often comes with dissertation.
Right?
Because it's gonna explain to you how and whyand the data and the backup, and and you're
like, I just wanna know yes or no.
Right?
So sometimes you have to bring it down, butunderstand what's interesting about, know, a

(11:02):
man's opinion, like I said, you often get a lotmore fifteen minutes later.
Like, I've just I was that I was just wanted alittle input.
Right?
But understand that if you cut him off again,interrupting his explaining or him trying to
provide the explanation or their opinion, ifyou interrupt him, it's disrespectful.
And the the other thing that I see women do alot a lot a lot a lot again, it's not it's not

(11:24):
because you're mean.
It's because you don't know.
Right?
You don't understand the mechanism.
But often, if you don't agree with thisopinion, it's very uncomfortable.
Very, very uncomfortable.
Right?
You wanna unplug.
Like, ugh.
Ugh.
I don't think that.
I don't believe that.
Like, that's oh, we're like but he's got thedata.
Right?
And often what happened is and he gives you hisopinion even though and then you'll say, I

(11:46):
don't agree with that.
But, like, in that moment, if you say throwthrow that in his face, he's literally saying,
you're you know, who you are doesn't matter tome.
Like, who like, it just you're rejecting him inthat.
Not rejecting his opinion.
You're rejecting everything that he believes,everything he values.
Personal to him at that point.
It's completely personal for us.

(12:07):
My opinion is personal, and I'll back it up.
So don't be casual by asking my opinion.
And secondly, sometimes with my wife, I learnedthis.
Right?
She asked my opinion.
Right?
And I said, okay, babe.
So do you really want my opinion?
Because it may not like it, or do you want meto agree with you?
I'm a smart guy.
I figured that out.
Right?
Because, you know, she had something with agirl at work one time, and she's angry, and

(12:31):
she's bam bam bam.
And she's like, you know, can you believe sheblah blah blah blah blah?
And I'm like, so so what do you think I shouldI said, do you want my opinion, or do you want,
you know, you want me to agree with you?
She's like, I want you to agree with me.
I'm like, that bitch.
She should be fired.
I can't believe she's still up where you'relike and I just jumped right there like a fool.
Right?
And she's smiling and see the was that myopinion?

(12:53):
My opinion would have been actually the girl'sright, and you probably, you know, missed it
up.
So it's delicate.
But if you blow a man's opinion away often,you'll you reject him.
And some guys will do it if you're not not in arelationship, if somebody you work with, they
may never ever talk to you again about theiropinion because you were so rude to dismiss
him.
Just saying.
It's that calibration.

(13:15):
Yeah.
Go ahead.
I have something to say about that, actually
Please.
Bring it.
That I learned.
And that was if I just want to just get it offmy chest, what a crappy day I had, who I worked
with, whatever's going on.
I start out the conversation is, I don't wantyou to tell me how to solve this.
I just wanna get it out of my system, andthat's it.

(13:38):
So by putting that on there, he knows hedoesn't even have to listen to me.
He can just shake his head and agree orBeautiful.
Just sit there.
Not get up and walk away, but just stay there.
And then I can just say whatever I want, andthat's it.
He doesn't have to listen.
I just Right.
That body there to get off my chest so I don'thave to carry it around with me anymore.
Beautiful.
I call that setting him up.

(13:59):
Right?
You wanna set the man in your life up, the onethat you care about, the one that could help
you unload.
Right?
I call it empty the basket.
Just empty the basket of all this in you thathappen all day from the traffic to, know, Susie
at work and your boss.
So you need to get that out your chest.
We don't function that way, but you do.
So if you understand that we're warriors andproblem solvers instinctively, neurotically,

(14:23):
you come up with a problem.
We'll interrupt and go, what do you think ofthat?
That jazz is.
Yeah.
And you're like, let me just get it out.
Right?
So another way we don't understand.
So you have to set them up because it'sinstinct, you from connecting by talking, will
be to fix.
Right?
Did you like, and and it'll get frustrated.
So you go, babe, babe, I had a kind of a roughday.

(14:44):
I just want you to I just need to get this offmy chest.
Please just just just listen to me.
Just don't try to fix it.
Don't try to help me.
Just listen to me.
What?
What?
You're doing like, what?
What do you mean?
Just just just listen to me.
I know I can do that.
So I don't have to okay.
And he'll look at you and nod at his head, andyou get to empty your basket.
Right?
Yeah.
And the other side, you're like, oh, you'resuch a great listener.

(15:04):
You feel better.
You did nothing.
That's right.
Well, you want you had to set them up.
Otherwise, you'll be frustrated the same waythat we get frustrated when you get intro when
we get interrupted.
Right?
So so simple.
But we don't really understand these things aswell.
No.
And that's good.
You brought up a really good point.
Men want to fix the problem.
Women just want to say the problem.
They don't always wanna fix it.

(15:25):
So you have to make it real clear.
Do you want him to solve the problem, or do youwant him just to listen to you complain about
the problem?
You know?
Set We can just
reset your day.
Yeah.
That's really good.
And you you get what you're looking for.
You get what you want in that.
Right?
So because that's this this is how we canactually get come and help each other, right,

(15:45):
understanding the magic, the dance.
And and if women need a visual for that, thinkof it this way.
When you explain to someone directions, you goto Blue House on the corner of the big tree.
The guys will say, North Street, take a left,and go on East Street.
Yep.
It's it's a different way of thinking.

(16:05):
You know?
It's completely because, you know, for me, mymy brain works like it's a GPS.
So when I'm in the car, every time I make aleft a turn a turn, I know I actually adjust
the compass.
I know I'm going north.
I'm going east.
I'm going Mhmm.
Like, every turn, my I see myself from aboveliterally on the map.
Right?
So if if I'm here and I'm going Downtown LA, Iknow I'm going Southeast.

(16:27):
So I I know that it's that way.
So whether I do it this way, I know where I'mgoing on some level.
I know you know what mean?
My my radar is on.
My my compass is on.
But the ladies, you don't you you don't havethat option.
You you you use Landmark.
Right?
The white church, the fire hydrant, you know,the Buick in the driveway.
Like so you'll make your way through Landmark.

(16:48):
It's just different.
But
It is.
Again, these two different machines oftenfrustrating because men will say, go north for
two miles, then go left at a you know, onSecond Street, and she's like, you know, what
do you mean left?
What do mean south, east, west?
Like, you know, she needs the landmarks.
She'll tell you at the big church.
You're like, No.

(17:09):
Is it north or south?
It's just funny.
Like, it's it's another big disconnect.
We we're our brains function differently ineverywhere.
Oh, very much.
Even our GPS that we have, you know, my husbandhas his pointing north all the time.
That drives me nuts because I want to see whereI'm actually going on the map.

(17:30):
So my arrow is always going the way I'm going.
So different way of processing things.
I mean, in every way.
And, really, that's that's that's what I thinkis, you know, the most fascinating in them.
Because we keep trying to make the other oneact like us.
Yeah.
And that's, like, the stupidest thing you coulddo because with the fact that we're attracted
to each other because we're so different andkind of we're you know?

(17:53):
So the the magnet of life is all is the yinyang, masculine and feminine.
Right?
Or whichever temperamentally in opposition,that's always the relationship that function
always completely opposite polarity.
Right?
One's extroverted, one's introverted.
One likes to save money, one's to save money.
One's, you know, one's a hyper.
One's quiet.
One's a homebody.
One's an adventure.
Right?

(18:13):
Like, it's just we're if you look at yourrelationship, I when I I just get to know
somebody, I don't have to meet the otherperson.
They're made to know who they are.
They're exact opposite of that.
Oh, yeah.
That's nature.
But, again, what happened is we get frustratedbecause they don't do it our way.
They don't and then we're trying to changethem, which is when all the collision
can't talk with each other.
What does that mean?

(18:33):
That's when all the collision come becauseyou're trying to make him act right, and he's
trying to make you just understand.
Right?
So as opposed to trying to change each other,which what we do after we're entangled
together, we're magnetized who is we'redifferent, but we're to, like, make them act
like us.
And this is where it's disrespectful.
It's impossible.
It won't work.
Right?
And now you're colliding against each othertrying to make the other one something they're

(18:56):
not.
So it's not about it's not about trying tochange our differences.
It's to really embrace them.
How do you get to dance and negotiate them?
That's the magic.
That's my work.
That's good.
So we have another question because I know ourtime's gonna go real fast.
Uh-huh.
And this could be in the office.
It could be in the grocery store, anywhere thatyou're at.
The question is, what should I do if I don'tunderstand what someone is saying?

(19:24):
Good question.
And I would just simply say, I'm not sure Iunderstand.
Can you rephrase that?
Do know what I mean?
That would be sort of like respectful wherethey just go, I just no.
Not sure.
I said it all the time.
Said it yesterday.
Like, well, can you rephrase this?
Because I'm not sure I get it.
Because I wanna answer the question properly.
So it's it's that that's one way.
Another way that's fantastic is if you just,you don't know, ask them to repeat what you

(19:48):
just said or right?
Like, often you hear something and you again,we don't fully grasp the details.
So you could say, what I'm hearing you say isthat that that that that that that was that the
question?
Right?
So then they'll clarify.
So that's that's how we stay in the flow asopposed to shutting down, getting embarrassed,
and and and then what?

(20:08):
Right?
Like, I would always say go for, like, youknow, can you I'm not sure I get it.
Can you rephrase that or ask me again?
Like, because I don't get it the way you justput it.
Oh, Right?
Yeah.
That's really good.
And I was just I like that, and I like thatkinda ties into this next question.

(20:29):
There's actually two of them.
Yep.
How can I express my feelings without soundingsounding accusatory?
But let's get it into this one.
What are some strategies to resolve conflictswithout escalating the situation?
Woo hoo.
My favorite part.
My favorite part.
You know how much I often have theconversation.

(20:50):
Okay.
Because what happened is this.
Again, if you and, again, I just wanna put thison on on everyone's radar.
We don't speak and listen to each other thesame way.
So often when I say she's not hearing, right,and vice versa.
Right?
So, again, it's so incredibly delicate, and wedon't we're not aware of that.
So what happened is if you I guess, you knowthis.

(21:11):
Right?
If you don't feel heard, right, I'm trying totell him something.
Right?
Then he goes over and says, it's not gonna bestupid because you're probably speaking a
different language, which really what it iswhat it is.
So what happened is what what do we do?
Right?
So we come together.
Right?
I'm trying to get him to understand this, youknow, and he pushes back, and he's defending
himself.
And then you go, he's not hearing me.

(21:33):
So what do we do?
We elevate the tone or the the the volume.
Right?
Because we wanna be heard.
So now I'm saying the same thing louder,thinking that this is gonna go in, but speaking
a different language.
Louder doesn't work.
So he's gonna defend himself or herself louder.
Right?
And then we really try to top each otherbecause we're so frustrated because we're not
getting we're not being heard, and whathappened is it escalates.

(21:55):
And then you end up saying stuff that you can'ttake back that could be permanently damaging to
the relationship.
So I I always say, no.
The moment things go awry, right, and you getfrustrated or somebody's triggered, right, we
don't escalate.
That's too there's too much damage that comesfrom that and doesn't help, and you'll never
get anywhere.
So I always say, take your corners.

(22:15):
Take your corners.
Right?
Go take a bath.
Go take a walk.
Go to Home Depot.
Just take some space.
Right?
Like, calm down.
Right?
And then and then you come back together whenyou're neutral.
It's very important because it could take halfa day to get neutral.
It could take to the next day.
That could take two days, right, to get to getneutral.

(22:35):
But if you're not neutral, you're gonnaescalate it again.
Right?
So you come back neutral and go, okay.
So what happened?
How did we get there?
You got so mad.
I don't you know, help me understand.
Right?
Somebody's trying to come in.
So and this is how adults adult people, peoplewith relationship whose relationship function
well or literally approach themselves eachother like this with respect.

(22:59):
They take their corners, they come backneutral, and talk like adults.
And then, well, you know, my dad used to dothis, so he would hear so I feel, oh, I'm
sorry.
Like, I'm just I was just I know that.
And now we fixed it.
Right?
So this is don't let escalate.
Take some space.
Come back neutral and talk like adults.
That's what I say.

(23:19):
That's really good.
Because even when you're at work, you can takea break, go to the break room, go to the
bathroom, walk take a walk down the hall, dosomething, go outside, come back in.
Now I do have a question, and thank you, Risa,for coming in.
Somebody asked, and this is more on thebusiness end of things, how can I adapt my

(23:41):
communication style to different audiences?
Oh, that's a good one.
Well so without getting too technical, this isa bit another layer of the word that you if you
understand that as human beings, processinformation in four different ways.
Right?
And so you wanna adapt the way you talk tosomebody in their, we call it, preferred

(24:06):
represent representational system.
So most men are about 65% visual.
Most women are more auditory.
They process information auditory.
Right?
And then there's people who are kinesthetic.
I'm kinesthetic.
That means I have to touch it.
I have to learn by doing it.
Don't don't explain it to me.

(24:27):
I won't get it until I use my hands to do it.
That's how my nervous system you know?
So visual is a way to operate, to processinformation, auditory, kinesthetic through the
body, through the experience, and or we callit, auditory digital, which means using your
brain to so logic.
Right?
So if you're talking to somebody, especially atwork, you wanna figure out what's the prefer if

(24:51):
somebody's visual, right, you want to createpictures when you literally, when you talk to
them.
Right?
Paint a picture.
And and and you know you talk to somebody who'svisual because they'll say stuff like, you see
what I mean?
You see what I mean?
Right?
They'll actually use words to to express howthey're functioning.
So, like, auditory people auditory people willsay, I understand.

(25:15):
I hear you.
Right?
That 80 person will say, that makes so muchsense.
They understand it logically.
Right?
And the kinesthetic person will say, I feelthat.
I feel that.
I feel that.
So if you just pay attention a little bit now,the people around you, your wife, your spouse,
the people you work with on a regular basis,your children, how do they process?
So if you speak to them in their language,literally, there's instant connection excuse

(25:38):
me.
Instant connection, rapport, they feel that youknow them, they don't know why.
Right?
So it's kind of a it's a beautiful, simple,skill to learn.
You have to, like, figure out you get my wifewhen I figured out god.
It's funny.
My wife is auditory.
I had no idea.
I had no idea.
Not the way that I understand it now.
Right?
So and what happened is she would, like, wouldbe watching TV and the commercial's always

(26:01):
louder.
I never noticed that.
And she's like, can you turn it down?
It makes me crazy.
I'm like, what the hell?
Right?
So I turned it down.
We kinda rolled my eyes.
Like, you know, like, release.
What's the big deal?
Right?
But she's auditory.
Like, the just that noise.
She'll be in the kitchen.
Hysterical.
And I never understood, like, what are youtrying you're trying to kill us?
She would cook without turning the fan on.

(26:22):
Not because she's trying to kill us, becausethe fan makes her crazy.
Right?
Auditory.
Like, it gets on her nerves.
It's like scratching your nails on a on ablackboard.
So, oh my goodness.
Like, she's just I I understand she's sensitiveto noise that way.
It it affects her well-being and her mood.
Right?
And then she always wants to go to the beach,and I thought, you know, most people go to the

(26:45):
beach for the water, right, and the sand andthe sun.
Not my wife.
She goes to the beach, but she loves the beachfor the sound of the waves.
Mhmm.
The sound of the I'm like, oh my god.
I know nothing about my wife.
But when I decoded that, now I understand, Iturned the the volume down on TV on a
commercial before she asked.
Right?
I go in the kitchen and go, babe, you'rekilling us.
Can we just turn it on low?

(27:05):
Like, a little bit of smoke out of the kitchen,please.
She laughs.
You know what I mean?
And, again, the ocean, I get it.
It's soothing her her soul.
Visual, auditory, kinesthetic, that's me.
I have to do it with my hands to learn.
Don't talk to me about it.
Don't explain it to me.
Don't try to paint a picture.
I have to do it.
And the audio digital is using your brainlogical.

(27:26):
Every computer guy is the AD guy, auditorydigital.
Like, just they they function from here up.
From here down, kinda disconnected.
And you'll tell because if you're trying to hugsomebody who's AD, they stiffen right up.
Like, why are you touching me?
Right?
Even shaking their hands for sometimesuncomfortable.
Like, they just they're from here up, they theyjust all function from logic and brain.

(27:48):
So it's fascinating.
My point is, to answer the question, is knowyour audience, especially the ones that are
near the ones that are near you.
And, you know, it opens a challenge to, likeagain, people feel heard and seen, and you get
instant connection and rapport, and they're notsure why.
They're just like you.
It's quite brilliant.
Okay.
That was a long one.

(28:08):
I'm sorry.
No.
But that's great.
And that reminds me, you know, sometimes a fistbump works a lot better.
You don't have to hug somebody.
You know?
Let's do the fist bump.
It's like, okay.
That's that's not invasive to me.
That's plenty for some people.
Yep.
That's plenty for some people.
Yeah.
I eat bass.
Germs, so that was a good thing to ever playback with that.
And because I'm kinesthetic, I would forcepeople to hug me.

(28:31):
I would just hug people.
They would take put their hand out, and itwould push it out of the way and hug them.
And they go like, okay, dude.
What is that?
And I realized after this that, you know, myway is my way, and to push my way on anybody is
rude.
Right?
So I gotta respect the other person.
So I get a hand out.
I shake a hand.
I get a fist bump.
Little fist bump.
That's all they want.
Right?
Yeah.

(28:51):
It's a no.
That's very good.
But a kind of sick person will come right intome.
Oh,
yeah.
Yeah.
And and I am I'm a hugger.
You know?
It's like you get around me, you're gonna know.
You know?
I'll I'll be respectful if you don't want to goback off right away.
But, yeah, that's really good because if youdon't know who your audience is, if you're

(29:13):
talking to a large large group, see how you canfit each of those factors into what you're
talking about so you can reach everybody.
Yeah.
That's really good.
There's another one that comes up that I thinkwomen do more than men do.
Okay.
Let's find out.
My needs clearly.

(29:33):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why can't they understand what my mind issaying?
Let let me read it again.
Am I communicating my needs clearly, or am Iexpecting the other person to read my mind?
Boy, yeah, that's that's rather feminine thingto do.
Right?
Again, the the the explanation for this, by theway, it's very simple.
It's not because you're crazy.

(29:54):
It's not because you're unreasonable.
It's not because you're whatever.
It's because you know this.
Woman on woman, you have intuition, and youcould tell if somebody's not okay.
You know what I mean?
Like, a girl walks into your space, yourgirlfriend, and she's not to say anything.
You're like, oh, no.
Right?
And you go right up to her and go, what's goingon?
You okay?
Whatever.
Like, you could you could you you have a youhave a sense of things before they even are

(30:15):
spoken outwards.
Right?
Drives my husband nuts when I do that.
We go somewhere, and I go, well, didn't younotice that he was just sitting there?
It's like, yeah.
So Yeah.
Right.
It's like So my point is you connect it topeople's feelings and emotions and and and,
like, really, the the mood that they're in atthe time.
Right.
And you have a sense of that.
And as a woman, you go and kinda, you know,kinda trying to make it feel better.

(30:39):
Do know what I mean?
So what happened is you expect us to do thisbecause it's so natural for you.
It's so automatic.
It's so kind and loving.
Right?
We don't operate that way.
We don't pick up on people's energy like youdo.
Right?
We're not connected like, we're not connectionto people like you're connected to people all
the time.
That's to be the feminine connects toeverything and everyone around her.
Everybody's moods is on her radar.

(31:01):
Right?
And the energy in the space is on her radar.
Right?
If somebody's mad, that's all you could see.
Somebody's mad, now you're afraid because whatare gonna do?
Right?
We don't have that.
We don't have that.
So often women think, god, how many times did Ihear this?
You know?
You've known me long enough.
You shouldn't know what really?
No.
That expects that that you expect him to be awoman, like your girlfriend, who would know

(31:25):
your girlfriend knows what you need when youneed it.
He doesn't.
We're not wired that way, so let's not make himwrong for that.
And, ultimately, on the other side, to answerthe question again, you know, how do I get you
know, how do I know that I'm communicating?
Are you getting the results?
If you're not getting the results, he's nothearing you.
She's not hearing you.
Right?
Like so go back to, what did you hear me say?
Right?

(31:45):
They didn't repeat what they heard because theyhave a different filter, and you'd be surprised
how often that's not what they that's not whatyou said.
That's not what you're communicating.
Right?
And then you get clean again, calmly clean up,like, you know, what I really wanted to say,
like, I'm trying that I'm not comfortable withthis.
I was wondering if maybe you could payattention to that.
Well, that's not what you said.
But that's what I'm saying now.

(32:05):
Okay.
And so if you don't get the results, you're notcommunicating.
It's a very, very common thing to do.
So go check, ask what they heard, right, andmake sure that you're clear.
And that way, all the bumping together and thefrustration, you know, drops radically.
And all of a sudden, instead of he's a jerk, hedoesn't hear me, Right?
He's just a dude, and you have to approach himin a way that, you know, works for both of you.

(32:28):
You have to I always say this his way, this isher way, and how do we meet in the middle?
How do we meet in the middle?
That's the game all the time.
That's all.
Great.
Yeah.
And the other thing too is is some people withlearning disabilities, and and some of them
don't realize they have until they get a littleolder in life and they've, you know, picked up

(32:49):
on enough of it.
It's like, okay.
I get that I do that.
But they start talking in the middle of theconversation that's in their mind.
You know, they've already got everything outthere, and they just start talking.
And it's like, I don't even know what you'retalking about.
You guys start from the beginning.
And it's like, well, I meant this and this.

(33:10):
And it's like, well, where did that come from?
That wasn't a word of what you said.
So so that's something else.
So when and then sometimes you get frustrated.
It's like, man, I already told you a story.
Now I have to tell you the whole story.
Start all over again.
I don't remember my question now.
And and so so how do you handle something likethat?
One, as the person receiving it, and two, asthe person dishing it out because maybe you

(33:34):
don't realize that's what you do.
Yeah.
My my wife is like this, and she doesn'trealize she's doing it.
She actually has a conversation in her head,and she's doing whatever she's doing.
Right?
And then she gets into my space and nowbecomes, like, out of her head and out loud.
She continues the story.
And I go, babe, I have no idea what you'retalking about.
I was a preview to the whole beginning of thatin your head.

(33:55):
What?
What?
And she starts laughing like, oh my god.
But you know what mean?
She doesn't realize she's doing it.
She's just kinda compelled to go vocal in mypresence.
But there's a whole story for whatever longbefore.
So I just pointed out.
I'm like, I have no idea what you're talkingabout.
That story started in your head, and you justI'm I'm I right, what are you talking about?

(34:17):
And she laughs and typically goes, oh, don'tworry about it.
It's like, you know and or there's a story.
Right?
So now you'd be present and from the beginningand you go, ah, okay.
So is there a question here?
Do you want me to help with something?
You want my opinion?
Oh, here it is again.
Do you want me to agree with you?
Like, which do you want?
Here you go.
You know?
But you have to call it out because, you know,she doesn't know if she's doing it, and it's

(34:37):
not because she's not smart.
She's she's auditory.
Yes.
The voice in her head is constantly going.
You know what I mean?
So I'm not.
So now we understand the the mechanism andkindly politely, I could say, I don't know
where you're going with this.
I don't know where this started, but I'm I'm inthe middle of the story, she laughs, and then

(34:58):
she either addresses it or, you know, it's notthat important.
So it's yeah.
But if I let her talk for ten minutes and thensay, I have no idea what you're talking about,
that's where the frustration comes often.
Because like you said, now you have to startfrom the beginning if it's important, And and
you just let me talk this whole time, and youhave no idea what I'm saying?
Like, that just just bring it.

(35:19):
That's what I'm saying.
There you go.
There you go.
So I do want to remind our listeners that ifyou're watching live on Facebook, go ahead and
put your your questions in the comments becauseI can see that now.
I've got my cell phone here.
I keep looking at it.
And if you're in the studio, go ahead and typeyour question in the message or raise your your

(35:40):
hand, you know, down to the react there.
You can raise your hand up, and we'll call onyou for your question.
You can say it out.
Say it yourself.
You know, more than welcome to participate.
This is what we want.
Active participation.
And
so I'll keep checking checking Facebook and andtry to keep a check on the chat.

(36:01):
So let's go to another one.
Let's see.
I got quite a few questions here, so I wannamake sure I get the ones that
The big ones.
Yeah.
What are some effective ways to this one, I'mgonna interrupt the question before I even
start here.
That's something I do not have a problem with.

(36:21):
My husband was mortified the first time he wentto a store with me, and I just started a
conversation with a stranger.
And he says when we got out that he goes, howcould you do that?
I mean, it it was the most craziest thing he'dever seen anybody do.
So here's the full question.

(36:43):
What are some effective ways to start aconversation with a stranger?
Well, god, that's that's a whole other thing,but I think it's got to do with no.
I do it.
I'm I'm extroverted.
So like you, I talk to everybody, anybody,everywhere.
If there's somebody in my presence, in my in myrealm, in my you know, in line at the store,

(37:03):
I'll turn around and smile and go, goodmorning.
Right?
And kinda not so I'm I'm outward focused,right, which tends to be it's it's it's it's a
extroverted type personality.
But in introvert person, like my wife, like yinyang, right, she won't engage.

(37:23):
She won't start conversating with strangers.
It could get awkward.
She doesn't know what to say.
Often, she'll question she she's she's afraidto sound stupid or to say the wrong thing or to
put a foot in her mouth, so she doesn't.
Right?
Which is more normal if you're you know, Ithink most people are more introverted and
necessarily don't wanna open open the can.
So I don't know how to set a question, youknow, for somebody who's, you know,

(37:46):
introverted, how do you start a conversation?
Well, I actually taught something I taught someof this to one of my clients, and I says, all
you have to do, honestly, if you wanna connectwith somebody and you don't know how to start
the conversation, use your eyes, right, andjust look at the person and compliment
something that you see.

(38:06):
You know, I love your hair.
I love your shoes.
I love your purse.
I love your pants.
Those are cool what you get them.
Right?
Right.
Literally, just line up a few basic questionsand then let them talk.
And what happens in that is you get theconnection, you get the conversation going, but
the fact that you're not jumping,participating, you're just pulling at them,
right, is flattering.

(38:27):
They get to talk about themselves, and theythink you're cool.
What a nice girl.
What a nice person.
But all you did is ask a couple of questions.
Right?
So it's it's that's that's the other way to doit.
Right?
Just simple stuff in your head.
Connect you know, ask the question, then talk.
I learned this when I a teenager.
I I learned this as a teenager.

(38:47):
I went and get you know, I was picking up thisdate this girl at her father's house, and he
opens the door.
The guy's a monster.
And I'm like, gulp.
Gulp.
Right?
And he's thinking to me that, like, really?
Really you?
You can think about really.
Right?
Because I look like this.
So I I'm like, okay.
So and first thing I do instantly.

(39:09):
Right?
This is a beautiful house.
How long have you been here?
Oh, well, actually, So, you know, what do youdo for a living?
It was fascinating.
I thought you your daughter told me that.
Right?
And literally, in five questions, simplequestion, he's talking away.
He's flattered.
He's connected.
Now all of a sudden, I'm safe, and I'm good.
And, you know, you guys have a good time now.

(39:30):
Don't be late.
Right?
Like, same guy.
But I pulled him out.
I pulled him out by just being curious abouthis life and asking questions.
So simple, really.
So simple.
This little practice if you
That's really good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For me, it's like, when you're standing in lineand and this was my response to my husband.
I'll actually tell you this.

(39:51):
I said, we're all standing in line.
It's a long line.
We're all bored.
We wanna get our products.
We wanna get out of there.
So why not talk and make the time go faster?
We're just people.
We're not having these deep, meaningfulconversations.
We're just talking about, oh, I see you use thesame brand of dog food I do.

(40:11):
And But, again, it's it's the connection andthe fact that, you know, now you're aware of
the people in your space close to you.
That's ultimate seven.
That's norm.
That's normal.
I think that's cool.
But a lot of guys just go, why are you talking?
Why are talking to her?
Why are talking to him?
Why leave him alone.
Because most men wanna be left alone.
Yeah.
For for most of us who are introverted andmasculine, right, you're you're making me work

(40:35):
if you're trying to make me talk.
You're making me work.
I don't wanna talk.
I'm sending in line to email.
Right?
So understand the audience again.
Yeah.
And that's that's true.
You know, you say something to somebody andthey're like, yeah.
Okay.
Then don't talk to them.
Put it this person.
You know?
Nice nice try.
Turn around.
You.
Do something.
Totally.
Yeah.
Totally.
I talked

(40:56):
with one gentleman.
He's carrying dog food.
He says to the lady the lady in front of him,you know, we're just waiting, and it's kind of
a line.
And the lady in front of him says, oh, I seeyou have dog food.
He's like, okay, captain obvious.
And I could see it in his I could see it in hiseyes, and he goes Yep.

(41:16):
Well, you know what?
And he reaches in his pocket.
He goes, Jesus make the best snacks, and hepops some stuff in his mouth.
I don't know if it's candy or what it is, butthe woman is just I can't believe it.
She's and I'm back there busting my gut,laughing at it.
I mean, he turns at me, and I go, you were sonaughty.

(41:37):
He goes, you gotta be.
You know?
And so we just kept talking.
Yeah.
But it's fun.
So here's a really big one, and this canwhether you're at work, whether you're at home,
wherever it is.
Because sometimes this is tough, especially asyour teenagers are going through their changes
in life.
Or maybe things have happened in the past andnow you're trying to talk to somebody, how can

(42:01):
I express my feelings without soundingaccusatory?
Oof.
Well, that would be the tone.
Right?
Yeah.
Because what happens, you know, again, if weget frustrated and you get your feelings hurt
or something's not working for you as a woman,right, you you drive your whole life through

(42:21):
your feelings with right?
Your feelings is just driving everything.
You feel good.
You you're happy.
You feel bad.
A minute later, now it's different.
Right?
Like, the weather on the East Coast, I'm gonnasay because I'm in California.
Like, the weather on the East Coast, your moodwill change throughout the day.
Like, the weather.
It's just it's not your fault.
It's just because your feelings drive you.
So you're having a good morning.

(42:42):
You're productive, and then, you know,somebody's rude in the cafeteria at at work,
and now you're mad because you always talk tome again.
All And of sudden right?
And then you feel better.
You talk to somebody, and then you get in thecar, somebody flips you off like all day long.
So what happened is women tend to come at us ormaybe at anybody when you're upset because
something upset you.

(43:03):
Right?
But instead of being neutral, you should alwayssay, get neutral first.
They go, you know, when you said that,everybody hurt my feelings.
So, you know, when that happens, that was likeI found that a little bit insensitive.
Right?
If you point the finger at you as opposed topoint the finger at them, which is what we do
kind of naturally.
Right?

(43:23):
You need to stop.
You made me feel.
I'm sick of that.
I need you to stop doing that.
Right?
We point the finger at them.
This is how this this is it's received as anattack, and people will defend themselves.
That's not what I said.
That's not what I'm what the hell are youtalking about?
That you know what I mean?
You're too sensitive.
Right?
Especially men will push right back on thatbecause, like, you if you especially with men,

(43:45):
if you attack, right, now he has to protecthimself from you as opposed to protecting you,
which is his thing.
So understand men are warriors.
Don't attack.
You know?
Don't wait till you're so frustrated that youhave to wave your finger in his face.
But even a woman won't receive that very well.
At work, right, things are frustrating.
You don't how I need you to right?

(44:05):
Like, you don't lean on them.
You just point the figure at you.
Okay.
So calm down, come back and go, so, you know,earlier we were talking and then you said that
thing, it really, you know, came like, it justbe hit it it really hit me the wrong way.
And I want you to know that because, like, youknow, I'm not comfortable with it.
Like, what?
What?
Oh my god.
I didn't that's not what I'm I'm so sorry.

(44:26):
Right?
Like, this is how but you point the finger atyou.
What happened to you when something happened?
Happened to you when they said this?
What happened to you when that was done?
What happened to you?
What happened to you?
What happened to you?
And presented neutral.
And people will actually feel bad and kind ofjoin and you get an apology or you get an
explanation.
Oh, that's not what I meant.
I'm so sorry.

(44:47):
Right?
Seriously.
And that's that's what adults do.
But don't wait till you're about to crack to goask for correction.
It doesn't work well.
And you get some pushback, and you think theother person's a jerk.
That's what doesn't work.
That's true.
That's true.

(45:08):
Yeah.
The more you can put it on that this is how Ifelt or this is what I thought you said to me.
And They said Maybe that's not how you meantit.
So, you know, was that how you meant it?
You know, maybe it was.
Yeah.
Because the point of the figure is you
calm about it.
You know?
That's it.
Yeah.

(45:28):
I mean, anybody normal is gonna wanna, youknow, again, either fix it or, like I say this
to women all the time.
Just, you know, instead of you getting mad atyour husband, your boyfriend, whatever, tell
them how you feel.
Mhmm.
What happened?
It didn't work.
Right?
And you'll feel guilty and you'll say like, I'mso sorry.
I you're right.
I forgot.
I totally forgot.
I'm so sorry.
That's on me.
Because I have to hurt your feelings.
Right?

(45:48):
I completely forgot.
I'm so sorry, babe.
I'll try to do better.
And or and that's not what I meant.
I was saying, you know, I could tell youstories about stories about miscommunication
that she got her feelings hurt, that's not atall what he's talking about.
Right?
So it's common.
So go point the finger at you, right, and havethe have the courage to start the conversation.
Because mostly, what I see a lot is you getyour feelings hurt.

(46:12):
Right?
You get and it may be just a small thing withit.
Right?
And you walk away.
Because you don't wanna start an argument.
And if every time you bring something up, itstarts an argument, so you don't, right,
because you wanna keep the peace.
You walk away thirty minutes, an hour,whatever.
You feel better.
You come back neutral.
But now most most don't have the courage to go,can can I talk to you real quick?

(46:35):
Right?
To reopen the can of worm to possibly start aconflict.
So you ladies will often get hurt, say nothing,walk away, get neutral, right, and come back
and kind of forget about us.
No big deal.
Except if you don't forget about it, it goes inthe pedophile department.
Yeah.
A month later, you pull it out.
And, yeah, a month later, you get the wholefile thrown at good.

(46:55):
Yeah.
Yeah.
You'll throw the whole drawer at his head ofall the things, the pedophiles, they call it,
and he has no idea.
And this is when you go, like, what is wrongwith you?
Right?
Like, what?
Like you know what I mean?
So it's it's If
it bothered you a year ago, and you're just nowbringing it up, why didn't you address it a
year ago?
That's not fair.
That's not fair.
Do know what I mean?
Because if I don't you don't tell me

(47:16):
done to you.
Right.
Well, if you don't tell me, you know, how I'maffecting you that I don't know about, that's
not really fair because I can't fix it.
So, again, bring it back neutral with this ishow what happened to me when that happened.
This is what I picked up.
This is how I failed.
I didn't like it.
Is that what you meant?
Or help me understand.
You know?
What?
What?
And you'll get an explanation on apology.

(47:38):
It's really simple.
Yeah.
It is.
And and tell me your thoughts on this because Idon't know if that's still the way people
communicate or not.
You know?
Because when my husband and I first met eachother, I mean, we knew what each other was
thinking.
We were just so in tune with each other.
Then life happens.
You know?
Life goes on.

(47:59):
And we were no longer in tune with each other,so we went to a counselor because, you know,
something's broke.
You go somewhere to get it fixed.
Sure.
And one thing the counselor told us was whensomething comes up that bothers you, but it's
not the other person isn't responding like theyintended it to bother you, you say you repeat
back to them.

(48:19):
And and you have to say, you both have to beable to do this.
You can't just spring it on your spouse andsay, this is what I learned at this this one
hour show I was at today.
Now that's what they said to do.
No.
You have to let them know.
So we knew we were on the same front, the samefloor that when something bothered us, we knew

(48:40):
that we would say, wait a minute.
This is what I'm hearing you say, and this ishow it's affecting me emotionally.
If it was something that I felt they wereattacking me or that I felt he was totally
Disgusting.
What I was saying wrong
Right.
You know, misunderstanding, and then you playit back.
And and it was so surprising how many times weboth misunderstood each other.

(49:06):
We both
thought that it was something totally differentthan what it was.
And once we were able to communicate that witheach other, then it was easier to not
misunderstand later.
We started getting in sync with each otheragain.
Yep.
Yeah.
And and even pick up, you know, the the the thethe the habit of when you said that, that's

(49:27):
what happened to me.
Didn't like right?
Like, to not start some stuff, not start afight, but to fairly say, this is what happened
to me.
Do you have a second?
Sure.
I'd like to run something by you.
It's important to me.
What's up?
You're not in trouble.
But, you know, yesterday when this happened,when you said this, when you didn't say this,
when you because you get hurt at a woman'sfeeling by not doing something, by not saying

(49:47):
something.
It's wild for us.
They're like, what?
How?
That is crazy for us.
I didn't say anything.
Yep.
That's why she's hurt.
What?
Right?
So Yeah.
Again, it's the little stuff that we don'tknow.
So if you don't bring it up, how can I fix it?
Or how can I apologize for it?
Right?
So it's the same story.
Be be adults.
Love you if you don't tell me now to love you?

(50:09):
Simple.
Right?
But, again, we expect people, they know us bynow.
They owe us long enough.
You should know what I like.
You should know how to talk to me.
No.
That's your girlfriend.
A man is not wired that way.
True.
And we we could learn, but you have to use thetools and and Yeah.
Be fair about be fair about it ultimately.
It's I I have a funny story on that.

(50:30):
Mhmm.
We've been my husband and I've been married,you know, all over thirty years.
Yeah.
And when he buys me flowers, he gets me thesebig, huge sunflowers, and they're beautiful
flowers.
And he thinks that's just the most wonderfulthing in the world to buy me because he loves

(50:50):
sunflowers.
Ta da.
To this day.
And I don't let it bother me because I know ifhe's done that.
He's really done something special from hisheart for me because it's not something he does
all the time.
Right.
To this day, he does not know that my favoriteflowers are white carnations with pink
carnations to this day.

(51:12):
Why does he not know that, though?
I I don't know.
There's just something that's that's not there,but that's that's the only thing that that's
that he doesn't know, you know, after all this
talk.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so if I say, you know, why don't you bringme flowers?
And I don't tell him specifically what kind offlowers, he will always bring me sunflowers.

(51:34):
No.
I get it.
But, I mean and I I would say, you know, thankyou.
About it.
The what?
Why fight about it?
Yeah.
At the same time, though, after all, I I'mgonna assume if you're normal, which I know you
are, that you're still disappoint it's stillit's still disappointing, you know, to get the
flowers that you that actually kind of, youknow, make you happy or whatever happens to

(51:58):
I'm not disappointed anymore.
And and it took me a little while to get tothat point, and it's like, I don't really care.
Because if he has bothered to bring flowershome to me, it's that
It's a win.
It's a win.
From his heart
It's a win.
Yeah.
It's important, not the object itself.
Beautiful.
Like, if I want the flowers I want, I just gobuy them.

(52:21):
You know?
In fact, I just So, again, it's it's a gesture.
Right?
It's a gesture
Yeah.
That that counts.
That's what women say.
Right?
It's a small thing.
It's a it's a gesture that counts.
Well, there's one.
But if you if if the gesture is not quite, youknow, to your liking, often you make the man
wrong.
And he's like, really?
I bought flowers for that.
Like, that's not that doesn't count.
Yeah.
Right?
It's the wrong flowers.

(52:41):
Right?
And load the dishwasher, but it did it wrong.
That doesn't count?
No.
So okay.
Yeah.
So I'm not doing that again.
You know I mean?
Like, that's really how Yeah.
And that's shoot yourself in the foot.
You shoot yourself in the foot by miss missmisinterpreting or, I guess, I wanna say the
gesture for it not being done right.
And that's that's the thing women are attachedto a lot that's often will have men stop

(53:05):
trying, stop providing, stop giving becausethey can't do it right.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Good it's a pretty good one.
Right?
So flowers, whatever kind of flowers, justbring flowers.
Thank you, babe.
Yeah.
Right?
That's right.
And you get you get more flowers as opposed tosunflowers again.
As you know, I don't like those.
Like, that would be crappy.

(53:27):
Yeah.
Why why make him feel bad for something that hereally tried hard to do?
But see, the way I would say it, though, Iwould say, babe, I love the sunflowers.
I know you like them too.
I love them.
I love them.
Like, but you know what I like?
Right?
I like what'd you call it?
What'd you call them?
The, pink and white carnations.
Pink and carnations, like, just make me myheart happy.

(53:48):
Right?
Just I just want you to know.
Yeah.
You're probably gonna get pink and whitecarnations.
I won't know.
I've done that.
I don't know what it is, but it's like, youknow, I don't I don't really care at this
point.
Just knowing that as hard as there isimportant.
So we're getting close to time, and I have onereally important.
These all have been important.

(54:10):
And, Anreesa, thank you for saying that.
Perhaps you were the sunshine of his life, andthe sunflower reminds him of the sunshine you
always carry.
So sweet.
That's sweet?
We don't know.
Right?
Maybe.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Could be.
So the last question for today is how can Ihandle a situation where someone is definitely

(54:31):
not listening to me?
Same thing I say.
Right?
Mhmm.
Like, I'm sitting here.
I'm talking to you, and I don't think you'relistening.
Right?
Sometimes we do get distracted.
Right?
For me, I know somebody's not listening becausethey're not looking at me.
As a man, like, if you're not looking at me,you're not listening to me.
That's not true because women can actually havetheir backs to us and still listen.

(54:55):
But, again, for male on male, right, or maleand female, if you stop looking at me, I go
I'll stop talking.
I go, are you listening?
You know I mean?
Oh, yes.
Of course.
I'm listening.
Right?
So, you know, again, addressing it politelywhen something goes awry and asking the
question just to, like, refocus or bring theperson into into, you know, the moment because

(55:18):
that's typically what it is.
You're talking.
But one of the things that happens a lot withyou ladies, I'm just saying, talking to men is
you have so many predicate.
You use so many words before you get to thepoint if there is even a point.
Right?
If you're talking to us as a males, again, welisten differently.

(55:39):
Right?
So when you're talking, we listen to what's thepoint.
Because when we talk, there's always a point.
Otherwise, they're not talking.
So when you're talking to a man, understandthat he's looking for what's the point, why are
you talking.
But if you're talking for connection, then itgoes anywhere.
Right?
He basically, in about two minutes, loses hisinterest because he's overwhelmed.

(56:00):
He doesn't know what the point is.
There's no point coming, and you see he'llglaze over.
And, obviously, you're like, like, he's notlistening.
Do know what I mean?
So and so what you do often, because theconnection is for you while talking, and now
you lose him, so what you do is you talk more,trying to bring him back.
Not understanding as a man, that's not how wedo it.

(56:21):
Know what I mean?
So, like, talk more and you'll push better.
So know your audience again one more time.
You know what I mean?
It's like if again, men are listening forwhat's the point or they stop listening.
And if you're upset, they listen for what's theproblem.
And often they'll jump in to try to fix theproblem.
Understand this.
It's just automatic default.
We're not jerks.

(56:42):
We're not misbehaving.
Right?
But if you don't get to the point, you lose me,and you're kinda torturing me.
So if, you know, if you want him to connect asyou go, I have a point to to see him you see
him fade.
They go, okay.
Hold on.
Too many words.
Okay.
So my point is what I'm looking for, what I'masking you, what I want.
Right?
Right?
Well, it's back.
You you know I mean?
If you're talking to a man.

(57:02):
If you're talking to a woman, I find that thatwould be unusually disconnected for a woman to
not pay attention to a woman talking, but thathappens if the woman is masculine and basically
you're pulling her focus.
So again, know your audience, but it's up toyou to bring it back understanding maybe
they're overwhelmed with your words if it's aband.

(57:26):
Right?
And or there's a wrong timing, it's own place,they don't wanna talk about it.
Right?
It's just not appropriate.
It's don't have the headspace, don't have theblah blah blah blah blah blah.
And understand it's a dance.
Everything's a dance.
So your part of the dance is yourresponsibility, and their part is to respond
and or play with you.
And if they don't, you have you know, justthat's okay.
Just just understand it takes two to tango, andsometimes we don't wanna tango.

(57:52):
Yeah.
That's true.
And and I like what you said, and you touchedon it briefly, but, you know, are you are you
talking at a time when they're so busy thatthey don't have the the bandwidth right now?
Are you talking about something when they'rehaving we'll just say if someone's come home
exhausted or someone's at work that just has somuch work going on.

(58:14):
It's like, I really wanna listen to you, but Ijust can't do that right now.
Yeah.
And ask.
It's okay to ask.
Do you have time to listen to me right now?
Right.
Are you busy?
Or you know, what's going on?
What's the situation?
Yep.
Or if they're not listening, say, am I notbeing clear?
Am I Right.
I confusing you?
Am I confusing you?

(58:34):
What's what's going on here?
Totally.
And and it's okay because you're trying to havea conversation.
Yeah.
And if you feel that someone's not listening,then find out why.
Right.
Maybe maybe you just started talking, and youdidn't realize that their that their mother
died that morning.
Right.
Or whatever.
Right?
You know?
And they don't wanna tell everybody all aboutit because, one, they're trying to process it.

(58:56):
Two, they don't know everybody clowning or youknow, coming all over and saying, oh, well, all
this.
You know?
I just wanna get through this day becausethat's how I'm gonna process.
Yep.
I So I've come I've come home from work attimes when I had another business where I
worked twelve hour days, and I was with peopleon the phone all the time, all the way through.
And I'm I'm a good talker.

(59:18):
Like, I'm easy for me to talk.
Like, I'm extroverted.
It's easy for me.
Right?
It's not so demanding as much as an introvertperson.
But I remember coming home a few times, youknow, in that in that phase of my life to my
wife where I I would come home, and she's agirl.
Right?
So how was your day?
What's going on?
Connection.

(59:38):
Connection.
But I would I would warn her.
I would walk in.
Like, that happened maybe five times.
I go, I walk in the house.
I'm freaking exhausted.
I'm exhausted.
I have nothing left.
I've I've been talking all day, and I just needto not talk and recover.
So I would go up to her, and they go, put myhands on her, I'm like, babe, just one of those
days.
And please, I have no words.

(59:59):
So don't try to make me talk.
I'm I'm everything's fine.
I'm okay.
I can't talk right now.
Please don't make me.
Don't come at me.
Right?
And she'll, oh, okay.
Alright.
Alright.
And then and I'll sit on the couch, and ittakes typically, in those moments, it takes
about sixty minutes to recover, where Iactually fall back into myself and go, hi.
What a crazy day.

(01:00:20):
Right?
So energetically, you know, set people up.
Set people up.
You wanna hear this.
You have the bandwidth.
You have the space.
You have the time.
You know?
Are you are you Right.
Working on something else?
Like, you know, that's the polite way toapproach somebody.
Otherwise, they may shut you down.
They may ignore you.
They may glaze over, hurts your feelings.
Now he's a jerk.
He's she's a jerk.

(01:00:41):
No.
No.
No.
We have to get in the dance.
Who's den are you dancing with at the moment?
Are they available to dance with you?
Right.
Right.
So as we're getting ready to close off, I'llgive a closing thought, then I'll leave it open
for you for closing thoughts.
Cool.
One thing I want to ask our audience for you todo is when you're in a conversation, I want you

(01:01:06):
to ask yourself, am I truly listening, or am Ijust waiting for my turn to talk?
Because that really can affect yeah.
I see that exact look on your face.
Happens all the time.
Happens all the time.
Isn't that something?
Yeah.
I was I was in a workshop this weekend, and Ihad to constantly say, I'm not finished.

(01:01:29):
Let me finish my point.
Like, I was in the middle you ask a question.
I'm answering the question, and you, like, justjump right in.
Like, let me you ask a question.
Let me finish.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
But a lot of people do this.
Right?
They'll they Yeah.
They're not listening.
They're just waiting to jump in.
It's frustrating.
And most people won't tell you this.
I could stop you because I will because I'mthat's my word.

(01:01:51):
But most people will let you just interrupt,and then like I said, they lose interest
because you don't seem to care about their sideof it.
This is how you disconnect with people.
This is how you, like people will think, yeah.
Waste of time talking to her.
Waste of time talking talking to him.
Like, ah.
Right?
If you're not present and paying attention andjust waiting just to to respond to answer to

(01:02:15):
squeeze in, you know, you'll you'll create somefrustrations, and you'll understand why people
don't wanna talk to you.
I get I hear that all the time.
Nobody was talking to me.
I'm like, well, you're constantly interrupting,and you're not listening.
That's right.
Part of it too is if if you're not waiting forthem to finish, you may miss out on some key

(01:02:38):
points there.
So I'm I'm really thankful for you being here,for answering these questions.
My closing thoughts are addressing thesequestions require self reflection.
Absolutely.
And unwillingness to engage in honestconversations.
And by doing so, we individuals can identify,is there underlying issues?

(01:03:02):
How can we improve our communication skills andhelp, you know, thereby strengthening our
relationships?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Also, I don't know if we have some rough timebecause I I have two gifts of listeners because
that's my favorite thing
to do.
I'm I'm trying to spread the word.
I'm trying to spread the understanding.
Right?
There is a way to build healthy relationshipsin this modern wear world, but often we miss

(01:03:23):
the boat.
Right?
We we miscommunicate.
We're looking for different things.
We project on the other person what they thinkthey they should know that we want, and then
right?
So we we make we we have expectations that wedon't speak of, and when they're not met, we
blame them for it, but you never said it.
Right?
It's oof.
Like, we're human beings.
We're really funny in in a lot of ways, andsometimes it's it's completely tragic and a

(01:03:47):
misunderstanding and a frustration.
Anyway, so I do a lot of podcasting to spreadthe word.
I spread the message.
My my biggest my funnest thing to do is to helpmen and women especially because we understand
that the difference between our brains and ourchemistry and our operating system and blah
blah blah is so different that this is oftenwhen we miss the boat.
Right?
So the love dynamic is highly calibratedbecause there's more emotion, so you could get

(01:04:13):
really, really happy with that person and thenreally, really mad.
Right?
The the mood swings are insane.
Not quite as big at work, though they stillapply.
But anyway so as I'm doing podcasts, I do,like, three or four a week because I like to
spread you know, I'm trying to spread the word.
And so you could do healthy relationship in itsmodern ways, modern world.
So I have two gifts to listen to this, andwe'll let them qualify themselves.

(01:04:36):
So if you're a information seeker, I call it,people are starting to go, what the hell is the
thing with the masculine and feminine?
Like, what I'm a girl.
I'm feminine.
But people told me I'm not.
Right?
Like, what's what's going on here?
So if you're a big information seeker andyou're a lady, right, are you ready?
Gift number one, I'll let you self qualifyyourself.
It's a book that I sell on my website.

(01:04:57):
It's called are you ready?
The Five Feminine Qualities High Value Men FindAbsolutely Irresistible.
This is my work with men.
This is men speaking, ladies.
This is men speaking, not my right?
And you'll be surprised it has nothing to dowith how you look.
Your height, your haircut, none of that.
It's the energy that you bring.
Five qualities that men find invisible.
It's a workbook, 30 pages.

(01:05:19):
You get to fill it out.
Just I'll send you to my direct email.
If you go to my email, andre, a n d r e,coaching, c o h c h I n g, the number one at g
mail, and in the subject box, just writeirresistible book.
I'll send you a copy.
You could print it, know, fill it up and playwith it.
This is really good information, ladies.
It's really good stuff and you'll get what I'mup to as far as helping decode by really

(01:05:43):
understanding men in that one.
What men value, it's not what you think wevalue.
Right?
It's not your looks as much as you think.
So that's one.
The second type of listeners that I noticed arepeople who like, you know, we had a good
conversation and some of the stuff resonates.
Right?
People are like, oh, wow.
Yeah.
Oh, that's what that was.
That's a right?

(01:06:04):
So if you resonated and you wanna have aconversation with me, Andre coaching, the
number one at Gmail, and then the subject box,right, talk now.
Right?
If you wanna talk to me, like, on one on one,like you me me and you are having, I'll send
you my calendar link, you'll find a spot that'sopen.
And we'll have a a conversation abouttypically, people wanna talk to me when they
realize they're stuck in a loop.

(01:06:24):
They're stuck in a loop.
Right?
They can't they keep attracting the wrong typeof person.
And after a while, it becomes, see, what'swrong with me?
Right?
So that conversation, fifteen minutes, we getto figure out the what hap how did you get in
this cycle?
That's, again, it's based in childhood.
Right?
So if you understand that there's nothing wrongwith you, you're just a product of your past.

(01:06:46):
Right?
That means it's fixable.
That's the word.
That's the, you know, trauma release stuff.
Then from the other side, from there, what'sthe dream life?
You want babies and a husband if you're youngenough?
Do you want this long term companionship?
Do you want, like, blah blah blah.
Right?
So we'll talk about what the dream life is,understanding that your past is fixable.

(01:07:06):
It's essential actually to get to the happyending, I wanna call it.
Right?
But honestly, like and from there, we'll talkabout what that looks like.
There's different ways to step into the work,but I I'm gonna say this all the time.
It's what you don't know that messes you up.
It's what you don't understand about the otherthe the you know, your partner typically.

(01:07:28):
The way they operate is what you don't know.
Understand that when I teach women about man'sinstinct, about 50% of everything you took
person you take personally falls off.
Think about that.
That's a new life.
Right?
Because it's not only with your husband orboyfriend, but it's with your father and the
guys you work with, your uncles, your kids,your sons.
When you understand a man's instinct, all thesethings that hurt your feelings that you go,

(01:07:51):
what the because from woman's point of view,it's completely unthinkable and baffling.
How dare how can't believe.
Right?
Well, you understand, oh.
So instead of what's wrong with him, they say,oh, no.
He's just being a dude.
Oh, this is caveman brain kicking it.
He's a hero.
He's provider.
He's like, half of the stuff that hurt youfeelings fall off understanding him.

(01:08:15):
Right?
And same the other way for men.
You know, women always said he's so little,then why can't I get so loving it?
It's the thought that counts and we're like,what the hell does that mean?
Because for us, we quantify everything so wedon't understand that one rose is as powerful
as two dozens because it's just true, the factthat you thought about it.
Right?
We don't understand that.
We think, you know, two dozen roses is 24points.

(01:08:36):
Yeah.
No.
It's one point.
Just like the one rose would be one point.
Like, we don't understand that.
Right?
So understanding a woman's instinct as men,understanding the connection that they have to
have to feel safe, that's a huge one.
We don't know that.
But when you get that, guess what?
You bring the best out of her.
She's kind and loving and warm and feminine andradiated and all the goodies that you want is

(01:08:57):
right there because her instinct you you knowhow to bring her forward understanding her
instinct.
That's the part that we all, you know, conflicton.
So come and talk to me.
I'll help you decode some of this stuff.
And I'll decode you one talk now.
You can get both gifts if you want, and I haveother gifts if you want.
I have recordings and stuff.
Just email me.
Ask me questions right there.

(01:09:19):
Tell me I'm full of crap, but I'm not.
Right?
Just come at me.
I'm trying to help.
That's it.
I love this.
Thank you so much, Andre,
for being here.
This was such a great idea.
For those who were here an hour earlier, Iapologize again for It happens.
You know, you never know what time zone I'm in,I guess.

(01:09:41):
Right.
We're eleven hour eleven hours apart.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank
you, my front porch friends and neighbors, forpulling up a chair with me and my guest today
on wisdom on the front porch.
Now if you've got value from this conversation,would you do me a favor?
Leave a quick review, then share it withsomeone you know who could use some
inspiration.
It helps more friends find their seat on

(01:10:01):
the porch.
Pancake.
Make sure you're subscribe so you never
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Until then, keep the porch light on for newwisdom every time you show up.
Your seat's always here for you on
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