December 27, 2024 • 44 mins
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From childhood dreams of motherhood to the raw realities of miscarriage and infertility, Hope Watson joins me, Octavia Cormier, to share her moving story. Together, we uncover many women's silent struggles, shedding light on the resilience and grace needed to navigate profound loss.
Hope vulnerably discusses her journey with her husband, Kadero, as they confronted irregular cycles, fertility challenges, and the often private conversations that shaped their path to parenthood. She reflects on how God’s grace sustained her through heartbreak and healing, providing strength to endure and eventually find peace.
This episode is a heartfelt invitation to explore the complexities tied to miscarriage and the transformative power of grace in the midst of pain.
Check out links below:
https://www.threads.net/@hopebwatson?xmt=AQGzwkAf9D5AigAw3VKfJER7G0iz-kK5QKIoMn13W-s6DKA
https://www.threads.net/@everydaywithhk?xmt=AQGzwkAf9D5AigAw3VKfJER7G0iz-kK5QKIoMn13W-s6DKA
https://www.foreknownministries.org/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Hey there and welcome to With Grace, the soul
nourishing podcast, where wewill explore the profound
intersections of spirituality,family and community life.
I'm your host, octavia Cormier,inviting you to join me in this
sanctuary of heartfelt storiesand practical wisdom.
Together, we'll navigate someof life's most sacred and
(00:34):
challenging moments with grace.
Thank you for being here.
Welcome to With Grace.
I'm your host, octavia Cormier,and today's episode is titled
it Changed Me.
I am a woman.
I love being in community withother women and so, through
different friendships andrelationships, I've met so many
(00:57):
that have had to suffer thedevastating blow of a
miscarriage, and sometimes evenmultiple miscarriages.
So today we're going to diveinto what is sometimes the
unspoken pain and resilience ofthose that have walked through
miscarriages.
Today we have Hope Watsonjoining us and we're going to
(01:20):
talk about the pain.
We're going to talk aboutfinding grace.
We're going to talk about maybefeeling isolated, just the
different things that amiscarriage can bring.
Hope and I are actually gettingto know one another.
I follow her and her husband,kedaro, on Instagram, I hope
just want to say I love the joythat you guys have.
(01:45):
You have so much fun.
My husband and I send y'all'svideos, the reels, back and
forth, because there's just somuch joy and fun that you guys
have.
I also know that marriage isnot all fun and games and it
takes a lot of work.
It takes a lot of dedication,especially when there has been
tragedy that has taken place.
(02:05):
I love that you guys are.
Your love is resilient, yourlove for God is good, and so I'm
so glad to have you here todayand for everyone listening.
Our prayer today is that we canshed light on the emotional,
the spiritual, the physicalchanges that a miscarriage can
(02:25):
bring and hopefully lead you tofinding grace and healing on
your journey or as you journeywith someone else Hope.
Thank you so much for beingwith us today, thank you so much
for having me.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
I'm so excited to be here For sure.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Absolutely, let's start with a little bit of
perspective.
Absolutely, let's start with alittle bit of perspective.
Statistically speaking, thereare about 10 to 20% of people
that have miscarriages, and soit is very common.
But just because it's commondoesn't make it easy.
There are millions and millionsof women that walk this road
(03:00):
every year, but a lot of times Ithink they walk it in silence.
Yes, even as a pastor.
When someone comes and theytell me I can feel so limited in
, I mean, I'm sorry, I want topray for you, not as good.
You know I want to sit with you,I want to lament with you, I
also want to give you hope forthe future.
(03:20):
But I have not myselfexperienced that, and so that
can be a difficult thing of like, oh my gosh, do we talk about
it?
Do we not say anything?
You can just feel kind ofparalyzing, I think, for the
person that is trying to help ortrying to walk through
miscarriage with someone, and soI would love for you to share
(03:45):
your story with us, and even wecan talk about the aftermath and
all of that, but I would loveto hear even just what was your
dream of motherhood.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Yeah, okay, let's start there then, because I will
say this I was always a woman'swoman, like a girl's girl.
I remember, even when I waslike a child, I always had my
dolls.
I always wanted to be a mother.
I remember watching it was ashow on the Learning Channel,
tlc.
I think it was like Birth Storyor something like that.
(04:17):
I don't know, but I just lovedthe thought of giving life and I
just love what motherhood couldlook like.
My mom is an excellent rolemodel of motherhood and I would
always be like, oh my gosh, thisjust looks so cool and I just
love what motherhood could looklike.
My mom is an excellent rolemodel of motherhood and I would
always be like, my gosh, thisjust looks so cool.
So I've wanted it for a verylong time and I think it was
something that you know as youget older, you kind of hear
those stories that it's notalways easy.
(04:38):
So there was moments where Irealized it was going to be hard
for me when I realized that,like my, my menstruals weren't
regular and this was starting atlike a younger age, and I was
like, well, you know, you didn'tthink too much of it, but in
the back of my mind it was like,okay, is this going to affect
anything, especially the olderthat I got?
(04:59):
And so it was one of thosethings that I was like I never
thought about it until I thoughtabout it and I was like my God,
like am I going to struggle?
And it was something that wasalways in the back of my mind
but I never wanted to shine aspotlight on it.
It wasn't until I feel likethroughout me and Kid Arrow, my
husband, us dating, you know, wewe tried to abstain.
(05:20):
You know there were moments thatwe slipped, but we never had
the thought of we were alwaysprotected and we were always
like let's just, you know, makesure nothing happens out of
wedlock, and like doing all thechecks and stuff like that.
But once we got married, I waslike, ok, now I feel in that
moment, god is giving uspermission, let's go ahead,
start a family.
So I was ready, when I tell you, I was ready at like year one
(05:41):
to start having kids.
But Kaderra was like wait,financially, I don't think we're
ready, like we just got married, let's enjoy each other a
little bit.
And so there was like a fullfledged Octavia, like there was
a full fledged argument becauseI was like I'm ready to be a mom
, like I just want to be a mom,like get me pregnant.
Kaderra was like, yeah, weprobably should have talked a
(06:02):
little bit more about thisbefore we got married.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Can we just say that to hope, though, because we just
think, oh, we're going to havebabies and oh, we're going to
get married, and it's like, no,we need to talk about, yes, do
you want kids?
Do I want kids?
How long do we want to wait tohave kids?
And then, what does disciplinelook like?
Because, you know, I wasparented one way, you were
parented a different way, and Ithink sometimes we don't think
(06:27):
through that, let alone talkthrough it, and so, just hey, if
you're thinking about gettingmarried, I would say sit down
and have the conversation aroundkids and be 100% honest.
I have friends that weren'thonest and then, once they got
married, I have friends thatweren't honest and then, once
they got married, she didn'twant kids.
(06:47):
And I have other friends thatthey never expressed like, I
want to wait five years or youknow, whatever their ideas were
around that, and so just theplug.
Hey, have that conversation anddon't be shy about it, Don't be
timid, be real.
And it doesn't mean that Godcan't change your heart and do
miracles and all of that.
But you got to.
You got to start with a firmfoundation and that's with
(07:10):
honesty.
Okay, Keep going.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Yes, yes, so, um, so, about year, year two, um, we
noticed we came to theconclusion like, well, we'll
wait, but we're not going tolike protect ourselves.
So if it happens, it happens,it's about year two happened and
we realized like we're reallyconsistent with our practicing
and like nothing is happening,and so I was like maybe I should
(07:33):
just go to the doctor, getchecked, see if I need help, you
know, trying to get pregnantand things like that In which
the doctor at that point I thinkthat was year 2011,.
The doctor was saying, yeah,you're going to need a little
assistance with getting pregnant.
Never told me why, which now,thinking back, I'm like why
didn't I ask deeper questions?
So we started kind of with thebasic oral treatments, like
(07:55):
trying to get me to ovulate,because that was one of the
issues is that I wasn'tovulating on a regular, and so
we started with just oralmedication, tried to give that a
shot.
Nothing came from it.
So fast forward to about 2015,I remember we moved to Wisconsin
and we were like, okay, now ithad been like three, four years
(08:16):
that nothing has happened.
So let's try to get a littlebit more aggressive with things.
So I went to found a new doctor.
We got a little bit moreaggressive with medication.
We got a little bit moreaggressive with like the
frequency of how often we werelike on medication and trying
and we actually got pregnant in2015.
And it was one of those thingswhere we were so excited because
(08:38):
that was literally my firsttime seeing a positive pregnancy
test and at that point it hadbeen like five, six years since
we had been trying.
So I was like, oh my gosh, thisis the first positive.
We were scheduled to go homebecause Cadero was working in
athletics at the time and so wewere playing Maryland and so our
family was going to drive upand we were like, well, this is
(08:59):
the perfect opportunity just tosurprise our family with this
news.
And I was like I'm nervousbecause I know that I'm very
early, but it's still a positiveand all that other stuff, so
fast forward.
We told our family, everybodywas ecstatic.
There was so many tears, therewas so much joy.
And then we flew home from thegame and it was about a week or
(09:20):
two later that I started tobleed and I was like, oh God,
like what's going on?
So you start doing the worstthing ever going to Google just
seeing like what's normal,what's not normal.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
And so.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
I was like, well, let me just go ahead and call the
doctor, call the doctor, set anappointment.
And I remember going to theultrasound tech and I remember
her just being really quiet andI was like, okay, it shouldn't
take this long, like what'swhat's happening?
And she said I'm going to goget the doctor.
And I was like you can't tellme anything.
And she was like,professionally, no, I can't say
anything.
(09:52):
So at that point I'm like thiscan't be good, right?
So the doctor comes in andshe's like, yeah, things are not
developing the way that wewould hope for them to.
So about 98%, hope for them too.
So about 98%, you're going tomiscarry this baby.
And so I remember leaving,distraught At that point, kid
(10:12):
Errol.
His hours were super long, heworked in football and I called
him when I left and I was like Iknow you're at work, but this
is what's happening.
And so I drove to his job andwe sat out and we cried in the
car and it was one of thosethings that was like I don't
want to believe what thedoctor's telling me.
My faith is always.
Yes, I know what the doctorsays, but what does God say?
(10:34):
You know?
you have those moments, but itwas my body was going through
the, it was starting the process.
So it's hard to fight with yourfaith when you see the physical
happening.
And so we just cried in thosemoments and I felt bad because I
was like he's got to go back towork with tears and like all
this stuff.
But he didn't care and I had totake that burden off myself,
that this was my husband, likethis is what he's here for,
(10:55):
right?
Yeah, so fast forward a littlebit more.
So we, the doctor asked, shesaid, well, do you want to just
go ahead and give it anothershot?
And I said no, at this point Ineed time, right, yeah.
So there was a couple of yearsthat went by and we got a little
bit more aggressive, I wouldsay, and we tried IUI.
Nothing happened.
(11:16):
And so it was a thing where wefinally moved again and we moved
to Chicago and we realized thatthe state of Illinois has this
law that pretty much will coverIVF, like up to 95%.
And so it was like we knew that,like IVF was expensive and we
knew that we at the time did nothave the money for IVF at all.
So at this point I'm like God,is this you?
(11:38):
You know you're.
You're setting us up in alocation where, literally, we
came out of pocket like under$2,000 for IVF.
And so I was like okay, thishas to be God.
So to say that, to say we triedIVF the first time, and that was
just very emotional, that wasyour hormones are all over the
place.
You're taking shots everysingle night.
This big box of medication cameto our door and it was just
(12:01):
overwhelming.
I remember we talk about itoften like our whole life just
changed because we couldn't goon just regular date nights,
like we had to have ourrefrigerated medication because
we had to shoot up in thestomach, you know, at a certain
time.
And it's like it's lifealtering.
But we tried IVF the firstround and we nothing happened
and I was just like I thoughtfor sure, this was like a like a
(12:26):
for sure thing.
Like people are payingthousands of dollars, like why
is?
this happening, and so I'm likeokay.
So I'm just confused, like okay, and so the doctor was like
well, do you want to try asecond round?
So I'm thinking we're here,let's just go for it, right?
So we go for it and they tellus they were like well, this
(12:46):
time what we would love to do isput two embryos in you, which
does mean you would have thepossibility of having twins, but
we do this as a precautionarymeasure, just in case one
doesn't work and one may take.
And that was our situation.
We lost one embryo, but we gotpregnant the second time with
IVF, and so we were superexcited.
We were like this is a surething.
(13:06):
All of the emotions were there,the happiness, the tears were
there.
And then, once again, kadirawas working football and I get a
call from our nurse and shesaid that, based off my blood
work, our pregnancy was notdeveloping the way that they
would want it to.
So I was like God, here we goagain, like at this point, this
is year 2019.
(13:26):
It has been 10 years that wehave been on and off of this
trying and medications and shotsand all of this stuff, trying
and medications and shots andall of this stuff and I was like
why go through all the?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
excitement Like why go through?
Speaker 2 (13:40):
all the emotions just to have this happen.
And so I go to Darryl's job itwas actually a football game
that day and he came off thesidelines and I said, well, this
is what the nurse is saying.
And so we had a moment where Ihadn't been experiencing any
like miscarried, like thesymptoms or anything, but so
(14:03):
that we were kind of likehopeful a little bit.
So we just kind of like we weresad but we were hopeful because
I hadn't experienced anything.
Well, I went home and then Istarted experiencing it like
that week, and I was like my God, like this cannot be happening
again.
And so, octavia, I literallywent into a state of depression
because I was like I'm tired.
I said, why set me up At thispoint?
I'm blaming God, I'm angry.
(14:23):
I'm like why are you setting meup like this?
Why do I have these happyemotions?
And then this happens and itfalls through.
And then I go through thesethoughts, you know, in my mind,
like am I ever going to be ableto carry a baby?
Thoughts you know in my mind,like am I ever going to be able
to carry a baby?
Am I ever?
What will happen to my marriage?
Canara wants kids.
Can I not provide kids?
Like, what does that look like?
(14:44):
Do we now go for adoption?
Like, do I still trust you?
Like all the thoughts and allof the emotions were going on
through my head in that momentand it was one of those things
that when we miscarried thattime, I just had to sit and wait
for it to happen, and it wasnothing worse, like no other
feeling I could describe, thanlike waiting for death to happen
on the inside of you, and Ifelt just hopeless.
(15:05):
I felt like alone.
I felt scared.
I felt disappointed in myself.
I felt like I was a failure.
I felt like I was disappointingmy family, because everybody
wants nieces or nephews orgrandchildren and like all of
these things.
So you carry this burden andthis weight for other people and
it's like you have to deal with, you know, just these thoughts,
(15:26):
and so that has been our story.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Let me ask you this I know a lot of women say they
feel like their body was failingthem.
You know, and you said you feltlike you were disappointing
people.
What was that like for you andKedaro?
Because it's like, okay, yeah,other people, but like what does
that feel like?
What were those?
What was the feeling in yourhome?
You know, you said you wentinto a depression.
(15:53):
What was it like?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
for him.
You know, when I tell youDaryl's such an amazing husband,
like amazing husband, he, inthose moments I know he felt
hopeless, he felt like he couldnot do anything but pray, and
even then I feel like he feltlike that wasn't enough, because
he's on the outer skirtslooking at my body going through
(16:17):
these changes, looking at myhormones and my moods going
through certain, you know, crazychanges, and all that he can do
is just be present and for methat was enough, because I knew
that he was trying his best togive me everything he had.
Conversations were upliftingfrom him.
(16:37):
The conversations were you know, I don't ever want you to think
that I would leave you if wecan't have kids because he had
to verbally tell me that,because and I didn't outright
tell him, but he looked at meand I feel like that's what the
Holy Spirit told him, because hesaid do you ever feel like I
would leave you, Like if wedon't have kids?
And I was like, oh my God, getout of my mind.
Like how did you know?
(17:01):
But he was like I would never.
We would figure something out.
So it was always a comfort fromhim, it was always an
encouragement, Like if we didn'tget it this time, we'll get it
next time.
It was also the tears.
God, he's angry.
Why are you taking my wifethrough this?
Why, you know, are our prayersnot being heard?
Like it's all of thosequestions.
But I will say that I feel asthough in our marriage it was
(17:23):
one of those things that wenever turned on each other.
We never blamed each other foranything.
We stuck it out together and wedefault to joy always.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
And so it's one of those.
I love that.
I think it Joy, oh yes.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
I love that, yeah, and so it's one of those things
that it's like, okay, if thisdidn't happen, let's shift our
focus, acknowledge what happened, of course.
Like, let's, let's try tofigure out what we can do now to
like get our spirits back.
And I do appreciate that he letme have my moment instead of
just saying, yeah, okay, we'llget them next time.
Like he said those things, buthe also let me have my moment,
(18:00):
you know.
So I appreciate that from him.
And honestly, octavia, I don'tknow if you know, but that's how
we started every day with H&K,because, yes, so after I was
going through my depressionstate, we said we needed to get
our laughter back.
So we started seeing likeTikToks and like all of that
stuff, and we were like we needto do something around the house
(18:20):
to get us up, to get uslaughing at each other, like
something that's just new anddifferent.
And so that's when we startedrecording like our TikToks and
stuff, and it was one of thosethings that just like of course,
that was during COVID as well,and so, like the world itself
was just in an interesting state, you know.
And so just the comments wewould receive about.
(18:42):
You know, my mom just asked.
But I was looking at you guysand y'all brought laughter to me
and you know just those type ofthings was like this is healing
for us, but it's also healingfor other people.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
So it's like we kind of found our purpose in that and
knowing that that's what'sgoing through my mind is that
you, you turned your pain intopurpose, and I mean thousands
upon thousands of people findjoy in watching these videos of
you guys.
Yeah, it's, it's, I'm going tosettle into this depression.
(19:14):
Right, god is not for me.
You know, you could have chosenthose things, but I feel like 2
Corinthians, 2, 12 and 9, likehis power, his strength, is made
perfect in our weakness, and Ithink that you guys created a
space for his strength to beperfected in your lives, and
(19:35):
that's no shame for someone thatis, you know, walking through
depression or anything like that.
I just want to say that we dohave a choice.
You know we have a crossroadsand we get to choose where we're
going to go at that time.
I love that.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Yes and for sure.
That was, I think, one of thethings that, like in that
depression state, like, like yousaid, like some people like you
, can stay there or you can tryto figure out how am I going to
get out of this?
And I had to constantly remindmyself of the word and
constantly remind myself andthink about the history I have
with Jesus and know he's broughtme through this, he's taken me
(20:12):
through this.
Ultimately, he knows best, and Ihad to keep telling myself that
, no matter how I feel, nomatter what time I feel like I
should be pregnant, god knowswhat's ahead of me and he knows
exactly when our child needs tobe born.
And so our prayer has alwaysbeen that our child grows up
with the people that they'resupposed to, that they're going
to impact the generation thatthey're supposed to impact, that
(20:34):
they're going to have peoplesurrounding them that's for them
.
And so, looking back at all ofthis, if we would have had our
baby girl when I wanted to, shewould be probably jacked up.
You know she would probably bejacked up.
And that's when it's like yourealize like God's timing is
perfect, because not only wasour situation different, but I
(20:55):
was not the same person backthen that I am now to be able to
fast forward, be a mother toher now.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
What would you say to a woman that has experienced a
miscarriage and how to encourageher husband, because it would
be my assumption that most ofthe attention goes on the woman.
You know the woman, the baby,the woman's body and physical
health, and the husband issupporting the wife.
What would you say to the womanthat wants to support her
(21:26):
husband?
Speaker 2 (21:28):
I am always going to come from a Christian backing
right.
I know that for me, this isjust how I did it.
I always ask the Holy Spirit tolead me and guide me in
everything that I say, and so Ifeel like, definitely, in going
through a miscarriage, you haveto be.
In my case, I had to be strongin God, and I had to have those
(21:51):
conversations with God and sayhow can I help him?
Because even though, like yousaid, I am the one that's going
through them, like he's alsogoing through a loss as well.
And so I have to ask the HolySpirit what does he need me to
say in these moments?
What can I do to help him getthrough it?
Like what changed my languageso that it is something that he
hears and that he can receive.
(22:11):
And so that's always my prayeris to Holy Spirit help me
articulate and give my husbandwhat he needs, and I think that
when you have those moments andyou allow the Holy Spirit to be
present in those conversations,it can help tremendously to
(22:40):
encourage him to, to, to havethe freedom to speak and don't
don't rush his feelings and hisexpressions of how he feels.
Sometimes it may take a day forhim to process.
And I know, like for me,sometimes I'm like I want to
know now, or like tell me howyou're feeling now and things
like that.
But at the same time it's new.
It's new for everybody involved.
So, allowing your spouse tohave that space and just say, if
you're not ready to talk aboutit, just know that I am here for
you.
I want to be here for you, Letme know how I can help you, Let
(23:02):
me know where your headspace is,Like we're going through this
together, Like just kind ofencouraging him and letting him
know like I know I may be theone getting the attention right
now, but I'm here for you.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
You know, in those moments, so good, okay, so we're
going to fast forward a littlebit and tell me what happened
next.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Yes, so at this point we're still living in Illinois,
right, and it is 20,.
What is this?
21.
?
And so a lot happened.
In the month of May Kid Errolchanged his job, he got out of
athletics and got a new remotework.
We also bought a condo inChicago in May, and so I
(23:41):
remember we were moving into thecondo and I was just tired and
I was like I don't know if it'sthe mood, I don't know if I'm
just not eating, I don't knowwhat's happening right now.
I was like, but I physicallyjust feel drained.
And Kaderil was low key, likethe NAP police I'd say be like
he was NAP, shaming me so bad.
(24:02):
And I was like I don't knowwhat's wrong with me.
I think like, am I sick?
Like what's happening?
And he was like I don't know.
He was like do you want to takea test?
That was the only option likehe gave me at this point.
He was like it's got to bepregnancy.
And I was like, at this point,realistically, I said I don't, I
(24:23):
don't want to take a test.
At this point it has beenprobably hundreds upon hundreds
of tests throughout those now 11years that I had taken that I
was like I don't want to setmyself up for this false hope.
So I said, no, I'm good.
And so literally like a week ortwo goes by and I don't take a
test at all.
And so then I realized I'm juststarting to hurt, like this is
(24:44):
just weird.
And I was like, well, maybe youknow I'm about to start my
cycle or whatever Cause.
I was like you sure you don'twant to take a test.
I'm like positive, I was soovertaken test at this point.
So it had been probably like ayear and some change since the
whole IVF situation had happened.
And so I was like, nah, I'mgood, like I'm good.
And so I was like okay, causeI'd never had any nausea or
(25:06):
anything like that.
So I was like it's gotta be mycycle coming.
But my cycle never changed.
I was like okay.
So I was like God, I'm gonna goto Amazon and I'm going to
order these tests.
And I was like okay.
So I was like God, I'm going togo to Amazon and I'm going to
order these tests.
And I was like just be with methroughout this whole thing.
So it was.
I remember at our church we hadflood Sunday, this one Sunday,
and so the pastor was like youknow, even if you're at your
(25:27):
home, if you want to baptizeeach other, go ahead and baptize
each other.
So we were like, okay, let'sjust do it.
And so we, literally webaptized each other that Sunday
morning.
And then, you know, you watchchurch, you eat, you take your
Sunday nap.
That was our routine, right.
And so I was like, okay, we'regoing to take a nap.
So then I had been holding on tothese tests for a couple of
days and I was like, okay, andso Kedaro was asleep.
(25:50):
I was like I'm just going to goin the bathroom and I take this
test and I literally have thisvideo of myself like saying this
prayer and, um, have this veryfaint, you know.
And I was like, okay, I'm notgonna get excited.
I said, because I've seen thisbefore and a lot of it, but I do
tell kid arrow because I feellike I have to right.
And so I go in and I'm like,yeah, um, so this happened.
(26:11):
And so he was like should thelight be darker?
Because you know we'd have beenthrough this.
So he's like should the line bedarker?
Like, this looks a littlesuspect, it's a little faint.
Um, it was like he's like takeanother one.
So literally the next day Itake another one and the line's
starting to get darker.
I was like, okay, so literallyI'm just ordering all these
tests at this point because I'mlike I'm gonna line these up and
make sure, like the line isconsistently and constantly
(26:34):
getting darker.
So I do, and so I'm like, okay,so maybe this is really
happening this time.
And so it's so surreal when Itell you that at this point I
didn't have an OB at all, and sothe only person I knew to call
was the infertility clinic thatwe had done IVF at, and so I was
like this is going to soundweird.
(26:54):
I was in there for IVF probablylike a year and some change ago
, but I think I may be pregnant.
They're like, yeah, we'll justcome on and confirm it and see
what's going on.
So we go to the doctor and weliterally see our daughter on
the ultrasound and the doctorwas like, okay, everything looks
amazing right now.
She was like I want you to comeback in two weeks and we're
(27:14):
going to just make sureeverything's progressing.
And so I was like, okay, so atthis point I'm still I'm not
letting myself get excitedbecause, like we've been down
this road before.
So we go back two weeks and wesee our little heart flicker and
the doctor comes in and she waslike I remember you from our
IVF treatment.
It was like how is it that yougot pregnant?
(27:36):
And the only answer I couldgive her was God.
And I said we naturallyconceive.
And they were like blown away,as all of us are, because I'm
like just God allowing me to goback to the place of infertility
to just share testimony that hewas one that did it this time
was surreal.
And so I'm not going to lie andsay like the pregnancy was.
(28:00):
The pregnancy was absolutelybeautiful, no complications,
like I never got sick, like itwas literally a dream, like it
worked out perfectly.
But I will say that, even thoughI saw the progression of the
pregnancy, there was still alittle piece of me that was like
until she's in my arms, I'mtotally.
You know, I'm just going to be ahundred percent.
(28:22):
And so it was a lot ofconversations with Kidero that
he had to be like oh, I get it,but we're here now, like let's
start embracing this moment,like let's do this and that, and
so for the most part I wasthere, but it was just that
little piece of my mind that waslike kind of setting myself up
for worst case scenario, which Iknow is not right, but that's
(28:43):
where I was in that moment.
But I will say fast forward toJanuary of 2022, we gave birth
to our amazing, beautiful babygirl, novi.
And when I tell you sheliterally is everything that we
have prayed for.
Like she matches our energy,she matches our family so well.
She loves to travel, like she,just she is literally.
(29:06):
When I say an answered prayer,because everything that was like
on our list of what we neededher to be, like God provided
that.
And so, just looking back atthe overall journey, it was not
easy by any means, but when Isay like she is so worth it and
she was worth the wait, I meanthat a hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
I'm like sitting on the edge of my seat.
Congratulations.
How did that experience changeyou as a woman, as a wife?
What did that do to your faith?
Because now you're on the otherside of it and it's like
(29:48):
hallelujah, thank you, jesus.
But in those moments of I don'tknow if I can allow my heart to
go there again, you know, maybeit felt like can I trust you to
you know, fully, carry this out.
Yeah, how did having anymiscarriages change you in a
(30:10):
good way, or did you feel jaded?
How did that impact you?
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Yeah, I would say definitely.
I questioned my womanhood a lotand I think that I often would,
and I often.
It's never good when you seeall your friends having babies
and doing all this stuff, and sothere's always a comparison
like I should be pregnant by now.
Or well, they did it, god, youdid it for them.
Or they didn't even want kidsand they had it.
And you go through like all ofthese questions and it's like
(30:40):
God, here I am, like I'm ready,we're ready, like why is this
not our story right now?
So I think that it definitelyit changed me in a way of
humbling myself and knowing thatI don't know everything, that I
don't and I don't want to knoweverything.
Like I don't know everything.
I am not God never thought thatI was, but it is one of those
(31:03):
things that has carried andelevated my faith so much
because, although me as a person, although I may want something
badly or I may think that thisis the time that I'm supposed to
be doing something, I'm nowleaning into God.
It is no more about me.
But what do you have for me inthis season?
What do you have for me?
What do you want from me?
(31:23):
And I think that it's turned myfaith into like a total
surrender mode of yeah, it maylook, it may be something that I
want, but, god, at the end ofthe day, I want to do what you
want me to do.
And so, although I may havequestioned myself or compared my
journey to other women or, youknow, compared my life to other
women it has humbled me inknowing that my journey and my
(31:44):
story is my story, and, as longas I'm humbly submitted to God,
I know that he ultimately hasthe best way for me.
And so I have to get out of thecomparisons.
I have to get out of justthinking that I know it all and
thinking that I know what's bestfor me, when it's like, no, he
created me, he knows when I needsomething, and I often think
about that, and I'm reminded ofthat through my daughter as well
(32:07):
, because it's like I'm hermother, you know, just like he's
my father, but it's like I knowwhat she needs, when she needs
it, and I know that if I giveher this, she may break it or
she may not know how to takecare of it in this moment, at
the age of two.
So it's like God ultimatelyknows, as our father, like what
we need and when we need it, andso that has been.
My takeaway from this entirething is no matter what I'm
(32:34):
going through yes, it may bepainful, but ultimately, if I'm
fully trusting in God, I knowthat his ways are always going
to be higher than my ways andhis thoughts are higher than
mine, so I'm not going toquestion him anymore.
I may have questions, but I'mnot going to question the way
that he does things at all.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
That's good and I love that because it's like he
can handle our questions.
He's okay with that, yeah, andhe's okay with us bringing them
to him, but it's like I don'twant to question his goodness,
his thankfulness, hisfaithfulness to me.
So great.
You know, community is bigright.
So y'all are smack dab in themiddle of COVID, so that's a
(33:06):
strain on community.
But my assumption would be thatthere would be another strain
on community if most of yourfriends are pregnant, having
babies, so you feel isolated oryou feel yourself comparing.
Was there a moment when youfound a sweet spot with
community during all of this?
Speaker 2 (33:24):
Oddly enough.
No, I feel like with Kaderil'sjob we moved a lot right so
there was.
there were times I mean, we'dmove like every two years.
This is our, this has been ourseventh move into Oklahoma now
and so, um, community I feellike back then was a forced
community because it was more solike who he worked with, their
(33:45):
wives and things like that.
Genuine connections weren'thuge.
So I had, prior to like Kaderiland us moving, I did have some
friends.
I mean, I still do have thosefriends, but I feel like they're
all like.
I feel like they're all overRight.
So it's not like I have peoplesurrounding me at that time
physically.
I had them on FaceTime orthings like that.
(34:06):
So community in that aspect wasgreat.
But I also was at the spacewhere things like this weren't
talked about, so I didn'tvoluntarily just give myself to
people, and so there was timeswhere I feel like literally it
was me and Katero that wasdealing with the miscarriages.
Our families wanted to be therefor us, but I did not know how
to navigate that.
I didn't know how to navigatemy emotions and how to tell them
(34:27):
what I was feeling and all ofthese things.
And I didn't want to, because Ifeel like every time I
explained it, it ripped thebandaid off or you know things
like that.
So it was kind of those thoughtsof I'm just going to be here
with my husband, I'm going toconfide in him and now that the
healing process has happenedit's a lot easier to talk and I
know that like we've had familyand friends be like I didn't
know you were feeling that way.
(34:48):
I wish you would have told me Iwanted to be there for you and
I appreciate it so much and Iwas like I know that you guys
would have been amazing at that.
At that time, just mentally, Iwasn't ready to have those
conversations.
But I will say that learnlesson is if you do have a
community or family or friendsthat want to be there for you,
if you feel like you can be openand honest with them, like do
(35:12):
it, because that will probablyhelp the healing process a
little bit quicker.
But yeah, I would say communitywas me and Carol for the most
part, if I'm honest.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
No, that's good.
Would you say on the other sideof it, if you were coaching
someone else, that it would behealthy to bring someone in if
that's a counselor, if that'ssomeone at?
Speaker 2 (35:36):
church.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Absolutely, absolutely, you know, but maybe
if there could have been a guyfor him to be able to process
what he was feeling as a man,you know, you as a woman,
Because I think sometimes and inpain I don't want everybody all
up in my business.
Right right, right, and youshouldn't have everybody.
But it's like Lord, if I canhave just one or two people.
Yeah, that I know is safe, thatI know that I can process, or
(36:04):
even just I don't want toprocess.
Can you just pray, you?
know having some of thoserelationships, because I think
it's easy to isolate.
Yeah and praise God, you guysnever turned on each other, but
a lot of times people doAbsolutely.
They start to play a game, yep,and then they start to grow
further and further apart.
So it's like I love what yousaid we never turned on each
(36:26):
other.
And so it's like I love whatyou said we never turned on each
other, and I love that joy isyour default, and so I love that
those were some pillars in yourmarriage, pillars, I would say,
in your own convictions, youknow, and that's what got you
through that season.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
I would definitely recommend that, though that's
something that I wish that wewould have.
And I mean, don't get me wrong,like the IVF, they do set you
up with somebody to talk to,just in case something happened.
And so we did talk to acounselor, but I honestly wasn't
open and honest, Like I justdidn't feel like really talking
to anybody.
But I would say that we had thepeople praying for us for sure,
(37:00):
Like we would at least ask forthat, like, please pray, keep us
lifted with this and that.
But I would recommend you knowtalking to like a therapist or
counselor or something like that, or you know your pastors or
something like that, becausethey can help give you language
to what you're feeling and helpyou process those emotions a
little bit quicker, possibly,and just be there for you.
It was a hard thing for me tolet people be there for me.
(37:22):
They want to be there for you,so let them so good.
Speaker 1 (37:26):
There's a ministry called Four Known Ministries.
They're based out of Coloradoand they do a beautiful work.
They put on retreats forhusbands and wives that have
experienced miscarriages, itdoesn't matter how long ago.
It's a free retreat, and sothey minister to the wife as
well as the husband, and so Ithink that's just such a
(37:47):
beautiful thing.
They have devotions that they'llsend out and different things
like that, and I'm sure they'renot the only ministry that has
things like that, and so Hopewhat I hear you saying is that
there is hope, there is grace,there is a divine enablement for
you to walk through amiscarriage, several
(38:10):
miscarriages, and I think it'simportant that our perspective
is that the baby is not thereward.
It's that knowing Jesus in thesuffering of not having a baby,
yet, knowing jesus in the midstof death and loss and pain, yep,
(38:32):
that has to be the focal point.
Yeah, because if the baby isthe focal point, if the marriage
is the focal point, if youdon't get that, then it's like
my world just crumbled, but it'slike I do want this, but
ultimately you're the number onegoal, like you.
So if I never get that, I stillhave you and I know new parts
(38:53):
of your character that I neverknew before.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
That's so good, and I do want to say this piece too
is like when we realized that westarted getting in the vein of
what God had for us, which waslike the everyday with H&K and
like doing that stuff.
He started building ourplatform, right, and so to me,
mentally, I just see thispicture of like God was
developing us, you know, throughthose 10 years.
(39:16):
And then it's like, ok, now,what you guys do in private, I
want you to also share your joywith the world.
And so it was like at thatmoment, like our momentum
started picking up and growingand things like that.
And so then I feel like God waslike, now that you are about my
business and now that you arewhere I'm having you to be and
to go, now I want you to sharethis story that I'm about to
(39:38):
bless you with this girl.
Ultimately, you think about itlike if I would have gotten
pregnant back in 2009, 2010,nobody would know this story,
right, and so it's like,ultimately, god wants to get the
glory for every single thingthat he does, and that's where
the attention should be is youknow, what is God doing in our
lives?
And it's like now we have thisplatform that now we can share
(39:58):
with people and they can see theevidence because they were
there through the journey, likethey've seen the IVF, like
seeing all this stuff.
So, through our obedience,people are seeing God be
faithful to us and giving themhope that, okay, well, if God
did it for them, like he cansurely do it for me as well,
right, and so it was like oncewe did the whole announcement of
getting pregnant and thingslike that.
(40:19):
All of a sudden, all of thesemessages start coming out about
people having miscarriages andgoing through IVF and things
like that.
And they're like man, justbecause I saw your story, like
I'm not giving up or, you know,if God did it for you, once
again, like I said, like he cando it for me.
So it's like ultimately knowinglike it's all about God at the
end of the day and so pushing myselfishness to the side of when
(40:40):
I think I should have kids, andknowing that like God built
this platform just to providemore hope to people and be more
impactful, you know, than itwould have been 10, 11 years ago
.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
Yes, hope, thank you for sharing your story.
I love that joy is your anchor.
Yes, that's amazing, and I lovethat you're letting the light
shine on you so that you canshine it back on him.
It's not like, well, now it'sall about us.
You're saying, yeah, he did itfor me, but hey, let's look back
(41:11):
at him so that is so beautiful.
Psalm 56 and 8 says you havekept count of my tossing, put my
tears in a bottle.
God sees every tear and I justwant to say to anybody that has
experienced miscarriages Godsees you, he loves you and he
(41:32):
hasn't forgotten about you, nomatter what your feelings tell
you.
His eye is on you, he is atwork and while he didn't pause
the miscarriage to happen, hesays I'll take it and I'll use
it for your good.
I'll use it for your good.
I'll use it for my glory.
And so we can trust him thatwhen it's painful, if we place
(41:54):
it in his hands, he's going tobe with us and he's going to
give us everything we need toget through this life.
Doesn't mean it's going to beperfect.
Doesn't mean it's going to beeasy.
Certainly doesn't mean it'sgoing to be exactly what we want
.
Mean it's going to be easy.
Certainly doesn't mean it'sgoing to be exactly what we want
or really want.
We just talked about that,right right, but he is a
faithful God.
And so you stand 10 years latersaying God is faithful today.
(42:17):
But he was also faithful atyear two and year seven, and you
know, like he was faithful atthe IVF office.
He was faithful whenever I wentonto the field to tell Cordero
like he is faithful, and sothank you so much for sharing
your story with us today.
In the podcast notes I'm goingto have a link to Foreknown
(42:41):
Ministries, and so that's just aresource.
And even you know, as a churchwe provide care boxes for those
that have had miscarriages, andso maybe, if you're like I don't
really know what to do, there'seven those types of services
out that you can just be ablessing to someone, and so, and
then, last thing that I'll sayis community is important, and
(43:02):
so, if you are facing this, Iwould ask God, would you send me
someone?
You don't want just anybody,because some people can lead you
astray, but God, would you sendme someone that can be my
friend, that can lead me totruth, that can encourage me in
this season?
I believe God's going to dothat and he's going to bring
healing to so many people'slives because of your story
(43:22):
today.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
Thank you.
Thank you so much for having me, Octavia.
Speaker 1 (43:33):
I'm so excited for this.
One Can't thank you enough forproviding the opportunity like
this for people to be a part of.
Yes, absolutely.
We love you guys.
Come back, Enjoy anotherepisode and until next time,
look for God's grace in allthings.
Thank you for joining us onWith Grace.
I hope our time together hasprovided you with inspiration
and practical insights tonavigate your journey with grace
(43:55):
.
Don't forget to subscribe, rateand review the With Grace
podcast to help us reach morelisteners like you.
Until next time, may you findgrace and strength in every
moment.
Hey there and welcome to With Grace, the soul
nourishing podcast, where wewill explore the profound
intersections of spirituality,family and community life.
I'm your host, octavia Cormier,inviting you to join me in this
sanctuary of heartfelt storiesand practical wisdom.
Together, we'll navigate someof life's most sacred and
(00:34):
challenging moments with grace.
Thank you for being here.
Welcome to With Grace.
I'm your host, octavia Cormier,and today's episode is titled
it Changed Me.
I am a woman.
I love being in community withother women and so, through
different friendships andrelationships, I've met so many
(00:57):
that have had to suffer thedevastating blow of a
miscarriage, and sometimes evenmultiple miscarriages.
So today we're going to diveinto what is sometimes the
unspoken pain and resilience ofthose that have walked through
miscarriages.
Today we have Hope Watsonjoining us and we're going to
(01:20):
talk about the pain.
We're going to talk aboutfinding grace.
We're going to talk about maybefeeling isolated, just the
different things that amiscarriage can bring.
Hope and I are actually gettingto know one another.
I follow her and her husband,kedaro, on Instagram, I hope
just want to say I love the joythat you guys have.
(01:45):
You have so much fun.
My husband and I send y'all'svideos, the reels, back and
forth, because there's just somuch joy and fun that you guys
have.
I also know that marriage isnot all fun and games and it
takes a lot of work.
It takes a lot of dedication,especially when there has been
tragedy that has taken place.
(02:05):
I love that you guys are.
Your love is resilient, yourlove for God is good, and so I'm
so glad to have you here todayand for everyone listening.
Our prayer today is that we canshed light on the emotional,
the spiritual, the physicalchanges that a miscarriage can
(02:25):
bring and hopefully lead you tofinding grace and healing on
your journey or as you journeywith someone else Hope.
Thank you so much for beingwith us today, thank you so much
for having me.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
I'm so excited to be here For sure.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Absolutely, let's start with a little bit of
perspective.
Absolutely, let's start with alittle bit of perspective.
Statistically speaking, thereare about 10 to 20% of people
that have miscarriages, and soit is very common.
But just because it's commondoesn't make it easy.
There are millions and millionsof women that walk this road
(03:00):
every year, but a lot of times Ithink they walk it in silence.
Yes, even as a pastor.
When someone comes and theytell me I can feel so limited in
, I mean, I'm sorry, I want topray for you, not as good.
You know I want to sit with you,I want to lament with you, I
also want to give you hope forthe future.
(03:20):
But I have not myselfexperienced that, and so that
can be a difficult thing of like, oh my gosh, do we talk about
it?
Do we not say anything?
You can just feel kind ofparalyzing, I think, for the
person that is trying to help ortrying to walk through
miscarriage with someone, and soI would love for you to share
(03:45):
your story with us, and even wecan talk about the aftermath and
all of that, but I would loveto hear even just what was your
dream of motherhood.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Yeah, okay, let's start there then, because I will
say this I was always a woman'swoman, like a girl's girl.
I remember, even when I waslike a child, I always had my
dolls.
I always wanted to be a mother.
I remember watching it was ashow on the Learning Channel,
tlc.
I think it was like Birth Storyor something like that.
(04:17):
I don't know, but I just lovedthe thought of giving life and I
just love what motherhood couldlook like.
My mom is an excellent rolemodel of motherhood and I would
always be like, oh my gosh, thisjust looks so cool and I just
love what motherhood could looklike.
My mom is an excellent rolemodel of motherhood and I would
always be like, my gosh, thisjust looks so cool.
So I've wanted it for a verylong time and I think it was
something that you know as youget older, you kind of hear
those stories that it's notalways easy.
(04:38):
So there was moments where Irealized it was going to be hard
for me when I realized that,like my, my menstruals weren't
regular and this was starting atlike a younger age, and I was
like, well, you know, you didn'tthink too much of it, but in
the back of my mind it was like,okay, is this going to affect
anything, especially the olderthat I got?
(04:59):
And so it was one of thosethings that I was like I never
thought about it until I thoughtabout it and I was like my God,
like am I going to struggle?
And it was something that wasalways in the back of my mind
but I never wanted to shine aspotlight on it.
It wasn't until I feel likethroughout me and Kid Arrow, my
husband, us dating, you know, wewe tried to abstain.
(05:20):
You know there were moments thatwe slipped, but we never had
the thought of we were alwaysprotected and we were always
like let's just, you know, makesure nothing happens out of
wedlock, and like doing all thechecks and stuff like that.
But once we got married, I waslike, ok, now I feel in that
moment, god is giving uspermission, let's go ahead,
start a family.
So I was ready, when I tell you, I was ready at like year one
(05:41):
to start having kids.
But Kaderra was like wait,financially, I don't think we're
ready, like we just got married, let's enjoy each other a
little bit.
And so there was like a fullfledged Octavia, like there was
a full fledged argument becauseI was like I'm ready to be a mom
, like I just want to be a mom,like get me pregnant.
Kaderra was like, yeah, weprobably should have talked a
(06:02):
little bit more about thisbefore we got married.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Can we just say that to hope, though, because we just
think, oh, we're going to havebabies and oh, we're going to
get married, and it's like, no,we need to talk about, yes, do
you want kids?
Do I want kids?
How long do we want to wait tohave kids?
And then, what does disciplinelook like?
Because, you know, I wasparented one way, you were
parented a different way, and Ithink sometimes we don't think
(06:27):
through that, let alone talkthrough it, and so, just hey, if
you're thinking about gettingmarried, I would say sit down
and have the conversation aroundkids and be 100% honest.
I have friends that weren'thonest and then, once they got
married, I have friends thatweren't honest and then, once
they got married, she didn'twant kids.
(06:47):
And I have other friends thatthey never expressed like, I
want to wait five years or youknow, whatever their ideas were
around that, and so just theplug.
Hey, have that conversation anddon't be shy about it, Don't be
timid, be real.
And it doesn't mean that Godcan't change your heart and do
miracles and all of that.
But you got to.
You got to start with a firmfoundation and that's with
(07:10):
honesty.
Okay, Keep going.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Yes, yes, so, um, so, about year, year two, um, we
noticed we came to theconclusion like, well, we'll
wait, but we're not going tolike protect ourselves.
So if it happens, it happens,it's about year two happened and
we realized like we're reallyconsistent with our practicing
and like nothing is happening,and so I was like maybe I should
(07:33):
just go to the doctor, getchecked, see if I need help, you
know, trying to get pregnantand things like that In which
the doctor at that point I thinkthat was year 2011,.
The doctor was saying, yeah,you're going to need a little
assistance with getting pregnant.
Never told me why, which now,thinking back, I'm like why
didn't I ask deeper questions?
So we started kind of with thebasic oral treatments, like
(07:55):
trying to get me to ovulate,because that was one of the
issues is that I wasn'tovulating on a regular, and so
we started with just oralmedication, tried to give that a
shot.
Nothing came from it.
So fast forward to about 2015,I remember we moved to Wisconsin
and we were like, okay, now ithad been like three, four years
(08:16):
that nothing has happened.
So let's try to get a littlebit more aggressive with things.
So I went to found a new doctor.
We got a little bit moreaggressive with medication.
We got a little bit moreaggressive with like the
frequency of how often we werelike on medication and trying
and we actually got pregnant in2015.
And it was one of those thingswhere we were so excited because
(08:38):
that was literally my firsttime seeing a positive pregnancy
test and at that point it hadbeen like five, six years since
we had been trying.
So I was like, oh my gosh, thisis the first positive.
We were scheduled to go homebecause Cadero was working in
athletics at the time and so wewere playing Maryland and so our
family was going to drive upand we were like, well, this is
(08:59):
the perfect opportunity just tosurprise our family with this
news.
And I was like I'm nervousbecause I know that I'm very
early, but it's still a positiveand all that other stuff, so
fast forward.
We told our family, everybodywas ecstatic.
There was so many tears, therewas so much joy.
And then we flew home from thegame and it was about a week or
(09:20):
two later that I started tobleed and I was like, oh God,
like what's going on?
So you start doing the worstthing ever going to Google just
seeing like what's normal,what's not normal.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
And so.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
I was like, well, let me just go ahead and call the
doctor, call the doctor, set anappointment.
And I remember going to theultrasound tech and I remember
her just being really quiet andI was like, okay, it shouldn't
take this long, like what'swhat's happening?
And she said I'm going to goget the doctor.
And I was like you can't tellme anything.
And she was like,professionally, no, I can't say
anything.
(09:52):
So at that point I'm like thiscan't be good, right?
So the doctor comes in andshe's like, yeah, things are not
developing the way that wewould hope for them to.
So about 98%, hope for them too.
So about 98%, you're going tomiscarry this baby.
And so I remember leaving,distraught At that point, kid
(10:12):
Errol.
His hours were super long, heworked in football and I called
him when I left and I was like Iknow you're at work, but this
is what's happening.
And so I drove to his job andwe sat out and we cried in the
car and it was one of thosethings that was like I don't
want to believe what thedoctor's telling me.
My faith is always.
Yes, I know what the doctorsays, but what does God say?
(10:34):
You know?
you have those moments, but itwas my body was going through
the, it was starting the process.
So it's hard to fight with yourfaith when you see the physical
happening.
And so we just cried in thosemoments and I felt bad because I
was like he's got to go back towork with tears and like all
this stuff.
But he didn't care and I had totake that burden off myself,
that this was my husband, likethis is what he's here for,
(10:55):
right?
Yeah, so fast forward a littlebit more.
So we, the doctor asked, shesaid, well, do you want to just
go ahead and give it anothershot?
And I said no, at this point Ineed time, right, yeah.
So there was a couple of yearsthat went by and we got a little
bit more aggressive, I wouldsay, and we tried IUI.
Nothing happened.
(11:16):
And so it was a thing where wefinally moved again and we moved
to Chicago and we realized thatthe state of Illinois has this
law that pretty much will coverIVF, like up to 95%.
And so it was like we knew that,like IVF was expensive and we
knew that we at the time did nothave the money for IVF at all.
So at this point I'm like God,is this you?
(11:38):
You know you're.
You're setting us up in alocation where, literally, we
came out of pocket like under$2,000 for IVF.
And so I was like okay, thishas to be God.
So to say that, to say we triedIVF the first time, and that was
just very emotional, that wasyour hormones are all over the
place.
You're taking shots everysingle night.
This big box of medication cameto our door and it was just
(12:01):
overwhelming.
I remember we talk about itoften like our whole life just
changed because we couldn't goon just regular date nights,
like we had to have ourrefrigerated medication because
we had to shoot up in thestomach, you know, at a certain
time.
And it's like it's lifealtering.
But we tried IVF the firstround and we nothing happened
and I was just like I thoughtfor sure, this was like a like a
(12:26):
for sure thing.
Like people are payingthousands of dollars, like why
is?
this happening, and so I'm likeokay.
So I'm just confused, like okay, and so the doctor was like
well, do you want to try asecond round?
So I'm thinking we're here,let's just go for it, right?
So we go for it and they tellus they were like well, this
(12:46):
time what we would love to do isput two embryos in you, which
does mean you would have thepossibility of having twins, but
we do this as a precautionarymeasure, just in case one
doesn't work and one may take.
And that was our situation.
We lost one embryo, but we gotpregnant the second time with
IVF, and so we were superexcited.
We were like this is a surething.
(13:06):
All of the emotions were there,the happiness, the tears were
there.
And then, once again, kadirawas working football and I get a
call from our nurse and shesaid that, based off my blood
work, our pregnancy was notdeveloping the way that they
would want it to.
So I was like God, here we goagain, like at this point, this
is year 2019.
(13:26):
It has been 10 years that wehave been on and off of this
trying and medications and shotsand all of this stuff, trying
and medications and shots andall of this stuff and I was like
why go through all the?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
excitement Like why go through?
Speaker 2 (13:40):
all the emotions just to have this happen.
And so I go to Darryl's job itwas actually a football game
that day and he came off thesidelines and I said, well, this
is what the nurse is saying.
And so we had a moment where Ihadn't been experiencing any
like miscarried, like thesymptoms or anything, but so
(14:03):
that we were kind of likehopeful a little bit.
So we just kind of like we weresad but we were hopeful because
I hadn't experienced anything.
Well, I went home and then Istarted experiencing it like
that week, and I was like my God, like this cannot be happening
again.
And so, octavia, I literallywent into a state of depression
because I was like I'm tired.
I said, why set me up At thispoint?
I'm blaming God, I'm angry.
(14:23):
I'm like why are you setting meup like this?
Why do I have these happyemotions?
And then this happens and itfalls through.
And then I go through thesethoughts, you know, in my mind,
like am I ever going to be ableto carry a baby?
Thoughts you know in my mind,like am I ever going to be able
to carry a baby?
Am I ever?
What will happen to my marriage?
Canara wants kids.
Can I not provide kids?
Like, what does that look like?
(14:44):
Do we now go for adoption?
Like, do I still trust you?
Like all the thoughts and allof the emotions were going on
through my head in that momentand it was one of those things
that when we miscarried thattime, I just had to sit and wait
for it to happen, and it wasnothing worse, like no other
feeling I could describe, thanlike waiting for death to happen
on the inside of you, and Ifelt just hopeless.
(15:05):
I felt like alone.
I felt scared.
I felt disappointed in myself.
I felt like I was a failure.
I felt like I was disappointingmy family, because everybody
wants nieces or nephews orgrandchildren and like all of
these things.
So you carry this burden andthis weight for other people and
it's like you have to deal with, you know, just these thoughts,
(15:26):
and so that has been our story.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Let me ask you this I know a lot of women say they
feel like their body was failingthem.
You know, and you said you feltlike you were disappointing
people.
What was that like for you andKedaro?
Because it's like, okay, yeah,other people, but like what does
that feel like?
What were those?
What was the feeling in yourhome?
You know, you said you wentinto a depression.
(15:53):
What was it like?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
for him.
You know, when I tell youDaryl's such an amazing husband,
like amazing husband, he, inthose moments I know he felt
hopeless, he felt like he couldnot do anything but pray, and
even then I feel like he feltlike that wasn't enough, because
he's on the outer skirtslooking at my body going through
(16:17):
these changes, looking at myhormones and my moods going
through certain, you know, crazychanges, and all that he can do
is just be present and for methat was enough, because I knew
that he was trying his best togive me everything he had.
Conversations were upliftingfrom him.
(16:37):
The conversations were you know, I don't ever want you to think
that I would leave you if wecan't have kids because he had
to verbally tell me that,because and I didn't outright
tell him, but he looked at meand I feel like that's what the
Holy Spirit told him, because hesaid do you ever feel like I
would leave you, Like if wedon't have kids?
And I was like, oh my God, getout of my mind.
Like how did you know?
(17:01):
But he was like I would never.
We would figure something out.
So it was always a comfort fromhim, it was always an
encouragement, Like if we didn'tget it this time, we'll get it
next time.
It was also the tears.
God, he's angry.
Why are you taking my wifethrough this?
Why, you know, are our prayersnot being heard?
Like it's all of thosequestions.
But I will say that I feel asthough in our marriage it was
(17:23):
one of those things that wenever turned on each other.
We never blamed each other foranything.
We stuck it out together and wedefault to joy always.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
And so it's one of those.
I love that.
I think it Joy, oh yes.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
I love that, yeah, and so it's one of those things
that it's like, okay, if thisdidn't happen, let's shift our
focus, acknowledge what happened, of course.
Like, let's, let's try tofigure out what we can do now to
like get our spirits back.
And I do appreciate that he letme have my moment instead of
just saying, yeah, okay, we'llget them next time.
Like he said those things, buthe also let me have my moment,
(18:00):
you know.
So I appreciate that from him.
And honestly, octavia, I don'tknow if you know, but that's how
we started every day with H&K,because, yes, so after I was
going through my depressionstate, we said we needed to get
our laughter back.
So we started seeing likeTikToks and like all of that
stuff, and we were like we needto do something around the house
(18:20):
to get us up, to get uslaughing at each other, like
something that's just new anddifferent.
And so that's when we startedrecording like our TikToks and
stuff, and it was one of thosethings that just like of course,
that was during COVID as well,and so, like the world itself
was just in an interesting state, you know.
And so just the comments wewould receive about.
(18:42):
You know, my mom just asked.
But I was looking at you guysand y'all brought laughter to me
and you know just those type ofthings was like this is healing
for us, but it's also healingfor other people.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
So it's like we kind of found our purpose in that and
knowing that that's what'sgoing through my mind is that
you, you turned your pain intopurpose, and I mean thousands
upon thousands of people findjoy in watching these videos of
you guys.
Yeah, it's, it's, I'm going tosettle into this depression.
(19:14):
Right, god is not for me.
You know, you could have chosenthose things, but I feel like 2
Corinthians, 2, 12 and 9, likehis power, his strength, is made
perfect in our weakness, and Ithink that you guys created a
space for his strength to beperfected in your lives, and
(19:35):
that's no shame for someone thatis, you know, walking through
depression or anything like that.
I just want to say that we dohave a choice.
You know we have a crossroadsand we get to choose where we're
going to go at that time.
I love that.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Yes and for sure.
That was, I think, one of thethings that, like in that
depression state, like, like yousaid, like some people like you
, can stay there or you can tryto figure out how am I going to
get out of this?
And I had to constantly remindmyself of the word and
constantly remind myself andthink about the history I have
with Jesus and know he's broughtme through this, he's taken me
(20:12):
through this.
Ultimately, he knows best, and Ihad to keep telling myself that
, no matter how I feel, nomatter what time I feel like I
should be pregnant, god knowswhat's ahead of me and he knows
exactly when our child needs tobe born.
And so our prayer has alwaysbeen that our child grows up
with the people that they'resupposed to, that they're going
to impact the generation thatthey're supposed to impact, that
(20:34):
they're going to have peoplesurrounding them that's for them
.
And so, looking back at all ofthis, if we would have had our
baby girl when I wanted to, shewould be probably jacked up.
You know she would probably bejacked up.
And that's when it's like yourealize like God's timing is
perfect, because not only wasour situation different, but I
(20:55):
was not the same person backthen that I am now to be able to
fast forward, be a mother toher now.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
What would you say to a woman that has experienced a
miscarriage and how to encourageher husband, because it would
be my assumption that most ofthe attention goes on the woman.
You know the woman, the baby,the woman's body and physical
health, and the husband issupporting the wife.
What would you say to the womanthat wants to support her
(21:26):
husband?
Speaker 2 (21:28):
I am always going to come from a Christian backing
right.
I know that for me, this isjust how I did it.
I always ask the Holy Spirit tolead me and guide me in
everything that I say, and so Ifeel like, definitely, in going
through a miscarriage, you haveto be.
In my case, I had to be strongin God, and I had to have those
(21:51):
conversations with God and sayhow can I help him?
Because even though, like yousaid, I am the one that's going
through them, like he's alsogoing through a loss as well.
And so I have to ask the HolySpirit what does he need me to
say in these moments?
What can I do to help him getthrough it?
Like what changed my languageso that it is something that he
hears and that he can receive.
(22:11):
And so that's always my prayeris to Holy Spirit help me
articulate and give my husbandwhat he needs, and I think that
when you have those moments andyou allow the Holy Spirit to be
present in those conversations,it can help tremendously to
(22:40):
encourage him to, to, to havethe freedom to speak and don't
don't rush his feelings and hisexpressions of how he feels.
Sometimes it may take a day forhim to process.
And I know, like for me,sometimes I'm like I want to
know now, or like tell me howyou're feeling now and things
like that.
But at the same time it's new.
It's new for everybody involved.
So, allowing your spouse tohave that space and just say, if
you're not ready to talk aboutit, just know that I am here for
you.
I want to be here for you, Letme know how I can help you, Let
(23:02):
me know where your headspace is,Like we're going through this
together, Like just kind ofencouraging him and letting him
know like I know I may be theone getting the attention right
now, but I'm here for you.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
You know, in those moments, so good, okay, so we're
going to fast forward a littlebit and tell me what happened
next.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Yes, so at this point we're still living in Illinois,
right, and it is 20,.
What is this?
21.
?
And so a lot happened.
In the month of May Kid Errolchanged his job, he got out of
athletics and got a new remotework.
We also bought a condo inChicago in May, and so I
(23:41):
remember we were moving into thecondo and I was just tired and
I was like I don't know if it'sthe mood, I don't know if I'm
just not eating, I don't knowwhat's happening right now.
I was like, but I physicallyjust feel drained.
And Kaderil was low key, likethe NAP police I'd say be like
he was NAP, shaming me so bad.
(24:02):
And I was like I don't knowwhat's wrong with me.
I think like, am I sick?
Like what's happening?
And he was like I don't know.
He was like do you want to takea test?
That was the only option likehe gave me at this point.
He was like it's got to bepregnancy.
And I was like, at this point,realistically, I said I don't, I
(24:23):
don't want to take a test.
At this point it has beenprobably hundreds upon hundreds
of tests throughout those now 11years that I had taken that I
was like I don't want to setmyself up for this false hope.
So I said, no, I'm good.
And so literally like a week ortwo goes by and I don't take a
test at all.
And so then I realized I'm juststarting to hurt, like this is
(24:44):
just weird.
And I was like, well, maybe youknow I'm about to start my
cycle or whatever Cause.
I was like you sure you don'twant to take a test.
I'm like positive, I was soovertaken test at this point.
So it had been probably like ayear and some change since the
whole IVF situation had happened.
And so I was like, nah, I'mgood, like I'm good.
And so I was like okay, causeI'd never had any nausea or
(25:06):
anything like that.
So I was like it's gotta be mycycle coming.
But my cycle never changed.
I was like okay.
So I was like God, I'm gonna goto Amazon and I'm going to
order these tests.
And I was like okay.
So I was like God, I'm going togo to Amazon and I'm going to
order these tests.
And I was like just be with methroughout this whole thing.
So it was.
I remember at our church we hadflood Sunday, this one Sunday,
and so the pastor was like youknow, even if you're at your
(25:27):
home, if you want to baptizeeach other, go ahead and baptize
each other.
So we were like, okay, let'sjust do it.
And so we, literally webaptized each other that Sunday
morning.
And then, you know, you watchchurch, you eat, you take your
Sunday nap.
That was our routine, right.
And so I was like, okay, we'regoing to take a nap.
So then I had been holding on tothese tests for a couple of
days and I was like, okay, andso Kedaro was asleep.
(25:50):
I was like I'm just going to goin the bathroom and I take this
test and I literally have thisvideo of myself like saying this
prayer and, um, have this veryfaint, you know.
And I was like, okay, I'm notgonna get excited.
I said, because I've seen thisbefore and a lot of it, but I do
tell kid arrow because I feellike I have to right.
And so I go in and I'm like,yeah, um, so this happened.
(26:11):
And so he was like should thelight be darker?
Because you know we'd have beenthrough this.
So he's like should the line bedarker?
Like, this looks a littlesuspect, it's a little faint.
Um, it was like he's like takeanother one.
So literally the next day Itake another one and the line's
starting to get darker.
I was like, okay, so literallyI'm just ordering all these
tests at this point because I'mlike I'm gonna line these up and
make sure, like the line isconsistently and constantly
(26:34):
getting darker.
So I do, and so I'm like, okay,so maybe this is really
happening this time.
And so it's so surreal when Itell you that at this point I
didn't have an OB at all, and sothe only person I knew to call
was the infertility clinic thatwe had done IVF at, and so I was
like this is going to soundweird.
(26:54):
I was in there for IVF probablylike a year and some change ago
, but I think I may be pregnant.
They're like, yeah, we'll justcome on and confirm it and see
what's going on.
So we go to the doctor and weliterally see our daughter on
the ultrasound and the doctorwas like, okay, everything looks
amazing right now.
She was like I want you to comeback in two weeks and we're
(27:14):
going to just make sureeverything's progressing.
And so I was like, okay, so atthis point I'm still I'm not
letting myself get excitedbecause, like we've been down
this road before.
So we go back two weeks and wesee our little heart flicker and
the doctor comes in and she waslike I remember you from our
IVF treatment.
It was like how is it that yougot pregnant?
(27:36):
And the only answer I couldgive her was God.
And I said we naturallyconceive.
And they were like blown away,as all of us are, because I'm
like just God allowing me to goback to the place of infertility
to just share testimony that hewas one that did it this time
was surreal.
And so I'm not going to lie andsay like the pregnancy was.
(28:00):
The pregnancy was absolutelybeautiful, no complications,
like I never got sick, like itwas literally a dream, like it
worked out perfectly.
But I will say that, even thoughI saw the progression of the
pregnancy, there was still alittle piece of me that was like
until she's in my arms, I'mtotally.
You know, I'm just going to be ahundred percent.
(28:22):
And so it was a lot ofconversations with Kidero that
he had to be like oh, I get it,but we're here now, like let's
start embracing this moment,like let's do this and that, and
so for the most part I wasthere, but it was just that
little piece of my mind that waslike kind of setting myself up
for worst case scenario, which Iknow is not right, but that's
(28:43):
where I was in that moment.
But I will say fast forward toJanuary of 2022, we gave birth
to our amazing, beautiful babygirl, novi.
And when I tell you sheliterally is everything that we
have prayed for.
Like she matches our energy,she matches our family so well.
She loves to travel, like she,just she is literally.
(29:06):
When I say an answered prayer,because everything that was like
on our list of what we neededher to be, like God provided
that.
And so, just looking back atthe overall journey, it was not
easy by any means, but when Isay like she is so worth it and
she was worth the wait, I meanthat a hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
I'm like sitting on the edge of my seat.
Congratulations.
How did that experience changeyou as a woman, as a wife?
What did that do to your faith?
Because now you're on the otherside of it and it's like
(29:48):
hallelujah, thank you, jesus.
But in those moments of I don'tknow if I can allow my heart to
go there again, you know, maybeit felt like can I trust you to
you know, fully, carry this out.
Yeah, how did having anymiscarriages change you in a
(30:10):
good way, or did you feel jaded?
How did that impact you?
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Yeah, I would say definitely.
I questioned my womanhood a lotand I think that I often would,
and I often.
It's never good when you seeall your friends having babies
and doing all this stuff, and sothere's always a comparison
like I should be pregnant by now.
Or well, they did it, god, youdid it for them.
Or they didn't even want kidsand they had it.
And you go through like all ofthese questions and it's like
(30:40):
God, here I am, like I'm ready,we're ready, like why is this
not our story right now?
So I think that it definitelyit changed me in a way of
humbling myself and knowing thatI don't know everything, that I
don't and I don't want to knoweverything.
Like I don't know everything.
I am not God never thought thatI was, but it is one of those
(31:03):
things that has carried andelevated my faith so much
because, although me as a person, although I may want something
badly or I may think that thisis the time that I'm supposed to
be doing something, I'm nowleaning into God.
It is no more about me.
But what do you have for me inthis season?
What do you have for me?
What do you want from me?
(31:23):
And I think that it's turned myfaith into like a total
surrender mode of yeah, it maylook, it may be something that I
want, but, god, at the end ofthe day, I want to do what you
want me to do.
And so, although I may havequestioned myself or compared my
journey to other women or, youknow, compared my life to other
women it has humbled me inknowing that my journey and my
(31:44):
story is my story, and, as longas I'm humbly submitted to God,
I know that he ultimately hasthe best way for me.
And so I have to get out of thecomparisons.
I have to get out of justthinking that I know it all and
thinking that I know what's bestfor me, when it's like, no, he
created me, he knows when I needsomething, and I often think
about that, and I'm reminded ofthat through my daughter as well
(32:07):
, because it's like I'm hermother, you know, just like he's
my father, but it's like I knowwhat she needs, when she needs
it, and I know that if I giveher this, she may break it or
she may not know how to takecare of it in this moment, at
the age of two.
So it's like God ultimatelyknows, as our father, like what
we need and when we need it, andso that has been.
My takeaway from this entirething is no matter what I'm
(32:34):
going through yes, it may bepainful, but ultimately, if I'm
fully trusting in God, I knowthat his ways are always going
to be higher than my ways andhis thoughts are higher than
mine, so I'm not going toquestion him anymore.
I may have questions, but I'mnot going to question the way
that he does things at all.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
That's good and I love that because it's like he
can handle our questions.
He's okay with that, yeah, andhe's okay with us bringing them
to him, but it's like I don'twant to question his goodness,
his thankfulness, hisfaithfulness to me.
So great.
You know, community is bigright.
So y'all are smack dab in themiddle of COVID, so that's a
(33:06):
strain on community.
But my assumption would be thatthere would be another strain
on community if most of yourfriends are pregnant, having
babies, so you feel isolated oryou feel yourself comparing.
Was there a moment when youfound a sweet spot with
community during all of this?
Speaker 2 (33:24):
Oddly enough.
No, I feel like with Kaderil'sjob we moved a lot right so
there was.
there were times I mean, we'dmove like every two years.
This is our, this has been ourseventh move into Oklahoma now
and so, um, community I feellike back then was a forced
community because it was more solike who he worked with, their
(33:45):
wives and things like that.
Genuine connections weren'thuge.
So I had, prior to like Kaderiland us moving, I did have some
friends.
I mean, I still do have thosefriends, but I feel like they're
all like.
I feel like they're all overRight.
So it's not like I have peoplesurrounding me at that time
physically.
I had them on FaceTime orthings like that.
(34:06):
So community in that aspect wasgreat.
But I also was at the spacewhere things like this weren't
talked about, so I didn'tvoluntarily just give myself to
people, and so there was timeswhere I feel like literally it
was me and Katero that wasdealing with the miscarriages.
Our families wanted to be therefor us, but I did not know how
to navigate that.
I didn't know how to navigatemy emotions and how to tell them
(34:27):
what I was feeling and all ofthese things.
And I didn't want to, because Ifeel like every time I
explained it, it ripped thebandaid off or you know things
like that.
So it was kind of those thoughtsof I'm just going to be here
with my husband, I'm going toconfide in him and now that the
healing process has happenedit's a lot easier to talk and I
know that like we've had familyand friends be like I didn't
know you were feeling that way.
(34:48):
I wish you would have told me Iwanted to be there for you and
I appreciate it so much and Iwas like I know that you guys
would have been amazing at that.
At that time, just mentally, Iwasn't ready to have those
conversations.
But I will say that learnlesson is if you do have a
community or family or friendsthat want to be there for you,
if you feel like you can be openand honest with them, like do
(35:12):
it, because that will probablyhelp the healing process a
little bit quicker.
But yeah, I would say communitywas me and Carol for the most
part, if I'm honest.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
No, that's good.
Would you say on the other sideof it, if you were coaching
someone else, that it would behealthy to bring someone in if
that's a counselor, if that'ssomeone at?
Speaker 2 (35:36):
church.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Absolutely, absolutely, you know, but maybe
if there could have been a guyfor him to be able to process
what he was feeling as a man,you know, you as a woman,
Because I think sometimes and inpain I don't want everybody all
up in my business.
Right right, right, and youshouldn't have everybody.
But it's like Lord, if I canhave just one or two people.
Yeah, that I know is safe, thatI know that I can process, or
(36:04):
even just I don't want toprocess.
Can you just pray, you?
know having some of thoserelationships, because I think
it's easy to isolate.
Yeah and praise God, you guysnever turned on each other, but
a lot of times people doAbsolutely.
They start to play a game, yep,and then they start to grow
further and further apart.
So it's like I love what yousaid we never turned on each
(36:26):
other.
And so it's like I love whatyou said we never turned on each
other, and I love that joy isyour default, and so I love that
those were some pillars in yourmarriage, pillars, I would say,
in your own convictions, youknow, and that's what got you
through that season.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
I would definitely recommend that, though that's
something that I wish that wewould have.
And I mean, don't get me wrong,like the IVF, they do set you
up with somebody to talk to,just in case something happened.
And so we did talk to acounselor, but I honestly wasn't
open and honest, Like I justdidn't feel like really talking
to anybody.
But I would say that we had thepeople praying for us for sure,
(37:00):
Like we would at least ask forthat, like, please pray, keep us
lifted with this and that.
But I would recommend you knowtalking to like a therapist or
counselor or something like that, or you know your pastors or
something like that, becausethey can help give you language
to what you're feeling and helpyou process those emotions a
little bit quicker, possibly,and just be there for you.
It was a hard thing for me tolet people be there for me.
(37:22):
They want to be there for you,so let them so good.
Speaker 1 (37:26):
There's a ministry called Four Known Ministries.
They're based out of Coloradoand they do a beautiful work.
They put on retreats forhusbands and wives that have
experienced miscarriages, itdoesn't matter how long ago.
It's a free retreat, and sothey minister to the wife as
well as the husband, and so Ithink that's just such a
(37:47):
beautiful thing.
They have devotions that they'llsend out and different things
like that, and I'm sure they'renot the only ministry that has
things like that, and so Hopewhat I hear you saying is that
there is hope, there is grace,there is a divine enablement for
you to walk through amiscarriage, several
(38:10):
miscarriages, and I think it'simportant that our perspective
is that the baby is not thereward.
It's that knowing Jesus in thesuffering of not having a baby,
yet, knowing jesus in the midstof death and loss and pain, yep,
(38:32):
that has to be the focal point.
Yeah, because if the baby isthe focal point, if the marriage
is the focal point, if youdon't get that, then it's like
my world just crumbled, but it'slike I do want this, but
ultimately you're the number onegoal, like you.
So if I never get that, I stillhave you and I know new parts
(38:53):
of your character that I neverknew before.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
That's so good, and I do want to say this piece too
is like when we realized that westarted getting in the vein of
what God had for us, which waslike the everyday with H&K and
like doing that stuff.
He started building ourplatform, right, and so to me,
mentally, I just see thispicture of like God was
developing us, you know, throughthose 10 years.
(39:16):
And then it's like, ok, now,what you guys do in private, I
want you to also share your joywith the world.
And so it was like at thatmoment, like our momentum
started picking up and growingand things like that.
And so then I feel like God waslike, now that you are about my
business and now that you arewhere I'm having you to be and
to go, now I want you to sharethis story that I'm about to
(39:38):
bless you with this girl.
Ultimately, you think about itlike if I would have gotten
pregnant back in 2009, 2010,nobody would know this story,
right, and so it's like,ultimately, god wants to get the
glory for every single thingthat he does, and that's where
the attention should be is youknow, what is God doing in our
lives?
And it's like now we have thisplatform that now we can share
(39:58):
with people and they can see theevidence because they were
there through the journey, likethey've seen the IVF, like
seeing all this stuff.
So, through our obedience,people are seeing God be
faithful to us and giving themhope that, okay, well, if God
did it for them, like he cansurely do it for me as well,
right, and so it was like oncewe did the whole announcement of
getting pregnant and thingslike that.
(40:19):
All of a sudden, all of thesemessages start coming out about
people having miscarriages andgoing through IVF and things
like that.
And they're like man, justbecause I saw your story, like
I'm not giving up or, you know,if God did it for you, once
again, like I said, like he cando it for me.
So it's like ultimately knowinglike it's all about God at the
end of the day and so pushing myselfishness to the side of when
(40:40):
I think I should have kids, andknowing that like God built
this platform just to providemore hope to people and be more
impactful, you know, than itwould have been 10, 11 years ago
.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
Yes, hope, thank you for sharing your story.
I love that joy is your anchor.
Yes, that's amazing, and I lovethat you're letting the light
shine on you so that you canshine it back on him.
It's not like, well, now it'sall about us.
You're saying, yeah, he did itfor me, but hey, let's look back
(41:11):
at him so that is so beautiful.
Psalm 56 and 8 says you havekept count of my tossing, put my
tears in a bottle.
God sees every tear and I justwant to say to anybody that has
experienced miscarriages Godsees you, he loves you and he
(41:32):
hasn't forgotten about you, nomatter what your feelings tell
you.
His eye is on you, he is atwork and while he didn't pause
the miscarriage to happen, hesays I'll take it and I'll use
it for your good.
I'll use it for your good.
I'll use it for my glory.
And so we can trust him thatwhen it's painful, if we place
(41:54):
it in his hands, he's going tobe with us and he's going to
give us everything we need toget through this life.
Doesn't mean it's going to beperfect.
Doesn't mean it's going to beeasy.
Certainly doesn't mean it'sgoing to be exactly what we want
.
Mean it's going to be easy.
Certainly doesn't mean it'sgoing to be exactly what we want
or really want.
We just talked about that,right right, but he is a
faithful God.
And so you stand 10 years latersaying God is faithful today.
(42:17):
But he was also faithful atyear two and year seven, and you
know, like he was faithful atthe IVF office.
He was faithful whenever I wentonto the field to tell Cordero
like he is faithful, and sothank you so much for sharing
your story with us today.
In the podcast notes I'm goingto have a link to Foreknown
(42:41):
Ministries, and so that's just aresource.
And even you know, as a churchwe provide care boxes for those
that have had miscarriages, andso maybe, if you're like I don't
really know what to do, there'seven those types of services
out that you can just be ablessing to someone, and so, and
then, last thing that I'll sayis community is important, and
(43:02):
so, if you are facing this, Iwould ask God, would you send me
someone?
You don't want just anybody,because some people can lead you
astray, but God, would you sendme someone that can be my
friend, that can lead me totruth, that can encourage me in
this season?
I believe God's going to dothat and he's going to bring
healing to so many people'slives because of your story
(43:22):
today.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
Thank you.
Thank you so much for having me, Octavia.
Speaker 1 (43:33):
I'm so excited for this.
One Can't thank you enough forproviding the opportunity like
this for people to be a part of.
Yes, absolutely.
We love you guys.
Come back, Enjoy anotherepisode and until next time,
look for God's grace in allthings.
Thank you for joining us onWith Grace.
I hope our time together hasprovided you with inspiration
and practical insights tonavigate your journey with grace
(43:55):
.
Don't forget to subscribe, rateand review the With Grace
podcast to help us reach morelisteners like you.
Until next time, may you findgrace and strength in every
moment.
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