November 25, 2025 • 17 mins
In this episode of the Women Are Not Okay podcast, Crystal explores the concept of emotional detachment, emphasizing its importance as a self-preservation tool rather than a negative trait. She discusses the myths surrounding detachment, its benefits, signs of learning emotional detachment, the role of mindfulness, and practical ways to practice detachment while maintaining humanity. The episode encourages listeners to embrace their evolved selves and recognize that detachment can lead to healthier relationships and personal growth.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:03):
Welcome to Women Are Not Okay, the self-help podcast
where we talk all things mentalhealth, relationships, and
mindfulness.
Can you admit that you're notokay?
Let's be real.
Things are shifting.
Our bodies, our identities, ourmentality, and our
relationships.
(00:23):
Girl, it's time for us toreclaim our sense of peace,
sanity, and well-being.
I'm Crystal, and no, I'm notokay.
See, that was easy.
Let's get into it.
Hi, this is Crystal.
Welcome to episode 7 of theWomen Are Not Okay podcast.
(00:45):
Today's episode is calledDetachment Isn't Cold.
It's self-preservation.
And if that title means youreach for your therapy journal,
good, because we're going there.
Because somewhere along the way,emotional detachment got a bad
rap.
Like it's robotic, like it'srude, like it's the cousin of
(01:07):
ghosting.
But I'm here to tell you,detachment is not the villain,
it's the velvet rope between youand chaos.
So let's talk about whatemotional detachment really is,
why it's not cold, even if itfeels icy to people who benefit
from your burnout, and how toswap the signs that you're
(01:28):
evolving, not malfunctioning.
Emotional detachment is definedas a state of disconnecting from
emotions or others emotionally,which can be a temporary coping
mechanism for stress or trauma,or in layman's terms, talk to
the hand.
(01:50):
So let's start out with whatdetachment is not.
We're going to discuss the mythsbecause detachment isn't being
rude or dismissive, ghostingpeople because you're protecting
your peace, or shutting downemotionally and calling it
boundaries.
(02:10):
Detachment isn't about numbing,it's about clarity, and the
difference between I'mresponsible for your feelings
and I'm responsible for myenergy.
It's not a shutdown, it's atotal recalibration.
Now let's discuss whatdetachment is.
(02:31):
Detachment is choosing not toengage in an emotional tug of
war, observing withoutabsorbing, saying, I see your
chaos and I raise you silence,and knowing that your worth
isn't tied to how well you fixor take care of other people.
(02:52):
Ooh, I'm gonna say that oneagain.
Detachment is knowing that yourworth isn't tied to how well you
fix or take care of otherpeople.
That's a biggie.
Detachment might confuse people,especially if your old self was
(03:13):
the emotional conseignge, alwaysavailable, always validating,
always exhausted.
But this new version of you, oohgirl, she's got range.
She's got boundaries.
She's got a velvet rope and aclipboard that says, not today,
Satan.
Five reasons we need detachmentwithout apologizing for it.
(03:38):
Let's be real.
Detachment isn't just a vibe,it's a survival skill.
Here's why learning toemotionally detach is the glow
up your nervous system's beenbegging you for.
Number one, you need breathingroom, not a front row seat to
chaos.
(03:58):
Detachment gives you emotionalelbow space.
It's the difference betweenwitnessing someone's meltdown
and absorbing it like a sponge.
You get to keep your equilibriuminstead of drowning in somebody
else's drama pool.
Number two, you make smartermoves when you're not spiraling.
(04:21):
When you're not tangled in fear,anxiety, or people pleasing all
three things which I am guiltyof, your decisions get sharper.
Detachment clears the fog so youcan actually think, not just
react like a caffeinatedsquirrel.
(04:43):
Number three, boundaries becomesexy, not scary.
Detachment helps you love peoplewithout losing yourself.
You stop micromanaging theiremotions and start managing your
own.
Relationships get healthier whenyou stop playing emotional
concierge and start honoringyour own limits.
(05:06):
Number four, you stop rentingspace to stress.
When you detach from outcomesand other people's chaos, your
anxiety takes a back seat.
You stop trying to figure outwhat is and what's not yours to
fix and start accepting realitywithout dragging it through a
(05:28):
therapy session that you justdidn't sign up for.
And number five, you rememberwho the hell you are.
Detachment is the ultimateidentity reclamation.
You stop being defined by yourrelationships, your roles, or
(05:49):
your emotional labor.
You start showing up as you, notsomeone's emotional support
human.
Next, seven signs you'relearning emotional detachment.
Sign number one, you pausebefore reacting.
(06:09):
That pause, that's power.
That's you choosing responseover reactivity.
This is something that I havebeen practicing in my daily
life.
I love my husband, I love himdearly, but there are times when
we'll have a conversation andhis tone, not that he says
(06:31):
anything degrading or upsettingor insulting, but sometimes his
tone really just sets me off.
And before, I wouldautomatically stop and
internalize his mood andinternalize what he said to me,
which would then change my mood,which would then make me sad,
and I would just walk awaybecause I didn't want any type
(06:53):
of confrontation.
Now, I pause before I react.
So if he does say somethingthat's going to set me off, I
take a deep breath, I count tothree, and I choose my response
wisely.
Even if that response is a looklike, oh no, you didn't, he gets
(07:16):
the picture, we have anunderstanding, and we can move
on.
But I'm choosing not tointernalize other people's
reactions, attitudes, words,things that they're saying,
because that takes too much ofmy inner peace.
Number two, you don't chaseclosure.
(07:40):
You realize some people can'tgive you closure because they
don't have it themselves.
I mean, if you guys couldn'tcome to a mutual understanding
and put both of your big girlpants on to figure out what was
wrong in the relationship, andyou just let it die, then you
(08:01):
just let it die.
There's no reason for you to goand chase after something that's
gonna make you feel better ifyou know that that other person
is not gonna respond or notgonna give you what you need.
It's wasted energy.
Unfortunately, this happens alot in midlife women
relationships, marriages,relationships with your
(08:26):
children, relationships withcoworkers.
Always remember to put yourselffirst.
Put yourself first, get closurewithin yourself.
And thank you for coming to myTED Talk.
Number three, you let people bewrong about you.
Because correcting everynarrative is exhausting, and
(08:48):
you've got better things to do,like healing.
I mean, what's the point incorrecting everything?
That is such wasted energy.
If somebody is gonna feel someway about you or think some way
about you, why take the time toconstantly defend yourself?
(09:09):
If you have to constantly defendyourself, your actions, your
emotions, your thought processeswith someone, they're not your
people, so just move on.
Huh.
That felt good to get that out.
Number four, you stopover-explaining.
Isn't that what I just did?
Number five, you feel peace andsilence.
(09:33):
No more compulsive texting,calling, or checking in.
You're not ghosting, you'regrounding.
Number six, you don't takethings personally.
You understand that projectionis a mirror and not a map.
And I do have to admit, back tothe taking things personally,
(09:56):
it's easier said than done.
I totally get it, but I'venoticed that when I take the
time to think it through,instead of just automatically
reacting, I then choose whetheror not I want to exert my energy
on this particular issue.
You know, it goes back to thatwhole pick your own battles.
(10:20):
I truly believe that detachmentwill help you, as it's helped
me, pick and choose my battles.
And I'm a little bit happierabout that.
And I'm a little bit moregrounded because of it.
And finally, number seven,you're okay with being
(10:40):
misunderstood because yourself-worth isn't up for debate.
And I don't even need toelaborate on that one.
Let's talk about how mindfulnessplays into this.
Mindfulness isn't just deepbreaths and lavender oil.
(11:00):
It's noticing when your nervoussystem is screaming run and you
choose to walk instead.
It's catching yourself mid-dramaspiral and saying, actually, I'm
not auditioning for emotionalcircle display today, so I'm
just going to go ahead and walkaway.
It's choosing peace overperformance.
(11:22):
And yes, it's snarky sometimesbecause humor, believe it or
not, is a coping mechanism, andsarcasm is just trauma-wearing
lipstick.
Now that we've gone over thedefinition of detachment, what
detachment is, what detachmentis not, five reasons we need
(11:46):
detachments, seven signs you'relearning emotional detachment,
and how mindfulness comes intoplay.
Now we get to the good part.
Five ways to practice detachmentwithout losing your humanity.
Detachment is not just amindset, it's a muscle.
(12:09):
And like any muscle, it needsreps.
Here's how to flex it withoutflinching.
Number one, pause before youpounce.
That moment between stimulus andresponse, that's your power
zone.
Take a breath, sip your coffee,and ask yourself, is this mine
(12:31):
to carry or am I justemotionally loitering?
Number two, use the not mycircus mantra.
When drama comes a knocking,whisper to yourself, not my
circus, not my monkeys.
It's cheeky, it's funny, andit's grounding, and it'll remind
(12:56):
you that not every emotionalfire needs your marshmallows.
Number three, limit youremotional availability.
You don't have to be everyone's24-7 therapist, especially if
they're not paying you to bethat.
Start saying things like, I hearyou, that's interesting, hmm, I
(13:21):
agree, instead of let me fixthat.
Oh, let me tell you what I woulddo.
Or uh I don't know.
You're not abandoning people,you're honoring your bandwidth.
Number four, detach fromoutcomes, not effort.
(13:43):
This is a good one.
Do your best, then let it go.
Whether it's a conversation, ajob interview, an argument, a
boundary you set, your worth isnot tied to how it's received.
You're responsible for theinput, but not the reaction.
(14:08):
That one I would go ahead andhighlight in your journal.
Number five, journal like you'rewriting to future you.
Get those tangled thoughts outof your head and onto paper.
You can even use post-it notes,you could use voice memo on your
phone, you can use the notesapp, but just get those thoughts
(14:34):
out of your head and onto paper.
You can ask yourself, what wouldemotionally evolved me do?
Spoiler alert, she wouldn'tspiral, she'd sip on her coffee
and move on.
And once you write things downand you go back maybe a month or
(14:55):
two later, you'd be amazed atseeing if there's been a change
in your thought process, or ifit's still the same, or if it's
worse, but it's a good way toguide you along with your
healing process.
So I know a lot of people talkabout in therapy journaling, eh,
(15:16):
who wants to do that?
But it really, it really doeshelp.
So, next, here's a little loveletter to your evolved self.
To the woman learningdetachment.
You're not cold, you're clear,you're not mean, you're mindful,
(15:37):
you're not broken, you'reboundryful.
Girlfriend, you're allowed towalk away from chaos without the
guilt.
You're allowed to chooseyourself without apology, and
you're allowed to be soft andstrong and snarky and scared.
(15:58):
This version of you, she's notrobotic, she's radiant.
If this episode made you feelseen, validated, or slightly
less like a walking emotionalsponge, share it with someone
who needs a reminder thatdetachment is divine.
And if you're still learning howto detach without
(16:19):
disassociating, welcome to theclub.
We meet weekly, we wearcomfortable stretchy pants, on
Wednesdays we wear pink, and wedon't explain our boundaries to
anyone.
Until next time, stay classy,stay grounded, and remember,
it's okay to not be okay.
(16:44):
Thanks for listening.
Just so we're clear, I'm not alicensed medical health
professional.
I just pay really good ones whohelp me unpack all this chaos so
I can come here and share itwith you.
Think of this as a pay itforward kind of thing.
So until next time, protect yourpeace, set your boundaries, and
(17:05):
remember, it's okay to not beokay.
Welcome to Women Are Not Okay, the self-help podcast
where we talk all things mentalhealth, relationships, and
mindfulness.
Can you admit that you're notokay?
Let's be real.
Things are shifting.
Our bodies, our identities, ourmentality, and our
relationships.
(00:23):
Girl, it's time for us toreclaim our sense of peace,
sanity, and well-being.
I'm Crystal, and no, I'm notokay.
See, that was easy.
Let's get into it.
Hi, this is Crystal.
Welcome to episode 7 of theWomen Are Not Okay podcast.
(00:45):
Today's episode is calledDetachment Isn't Cold.
It's self-preservation.
And if that title means youreach for your therapy journal,
good, because we're going there.
Because somewhere along the way,emotional detachment got a bad
rap.
Like it's robotic, like it'srude, like it's the cousin of
(01:07):
ghosting.
But I'm here to tell you,detachment is not the villain,
it's the velvet rope between youand chaos.
So let's talk about whatemotional detachment really is,
why it's not cold, even if itfeels icy to people who benefit
from your burnout, and how toswap the signs that you're
(01:28):
evolving, not malfunctioning.
Emotional detachment is definedas a state of disconnecting from
emotions or others emotionally,which can be a temporary coping
mechanism for stress or trauma,or in layman's terms, talk to
the hand.
(01:50):
So let's start out with whatdetachment is not.
We're going to discuss the mythsbecause detachment isn't being
rude or dismissive, ghostingpeople because you're protecting
your peace, or shutting downemotionally and calling it
boundaries.
(02:10):
Detachment isn't about numbing,it's about clarity, and the
difference between I'mresponsible for your feelings
and I'm responsible for myenergy.
It's not a shutdown, it's atotal recalibration.
Now let's discuss whatdetachment is.
(02:31):
Detachment is choosing not toengage in an emotional tug of
war, observing withoutabsorbing, saying, I see your
chaos and I raise you silence,and knowing that your worth
isn't tied to how well you fixor take care of other people.
(02:52):
Ooh, I'm gonna say that oneagain.
Detachment is knowing that yourworth isn't tied to how well you
fix or take care of otherpeople.
That's a biggie.
Detachment might confuse people,especially if your old self was
(03:13):
the emotional conseignge, alwaysavailable, always validating,
always exhausted.
But this new version of you, oohgirl, she's got range.
She's got boundaries.
She's got a velvet rope and aclipboard that says, not today,
Satan.
Five reasons we need detachmentwithout apologizing for it.
(03:38):
Let's be real.
Detachment isn't just a vibe,it's a survival skill.
Here's why learning toemotionally detach is the glow
up your nervous system's beenbegging you for.
Number one, you need breathingroom, not a front row seat to
chaos.
(03:58):
Detachment gives you emotionalelbow space.
It's the difference betweenwitnessing someone's meltdown
and absorbing it like a sponge.
You get to keep your equilibriuminstead of drowning in somebody
else's drama pool.
Number two, you make smartermoves when you're not spiraling.
(04:21):
When you're not tangled in fear,anxiety, or people pleasing all
three things which I am guiltyof, your decisions get sharper.
Detachment clears the fog so youcan actually think, not just
react like a caffeinatedsquirrel.
(04:43):
Number three, boundaries becomesexy, not scary.
Detachment helps you love peoplewithout losing yourself.
You stop micromanaging theiremotions and start managing your
own.
Relationships get healthier whenyou stop playing emotional
concierge and start honoringyour own limits.
(05:06):
Number four, you stop rentingspace to stress.
When you detach from outcomesand other people's chaos, your
anxiety takes a back seat.
You stop trying to figure outwhat is and what's not yours to
fix and start accepting realitywithout dragging it through a
(05:28):
therapy session that you justdidn't sign up for.
And number five, you rememberwho the hell you are.
Detachment is the ultimateidentity reclamation.
You stop being defined by yourrelationships, your roles, or
(05:49):
your emotional labor.
You start showing up as you, notsomeone's emotional support
human.
Next, seven signs you'relearning emotional detachment.
Sign number one, you pausebefore reacting.
(06:09):
That pause, that's power.
That's you choosing responseover reactivity.
This is something that I havebeen practicing in my daily
life.
I love my husband, I love himdearly, but there are times when
we'll have a conversation andhis tone, not that he says
(06:31):
anything degrading or upsettingor insulting, but sometimes his
tone really just sets me off.
And before, I wouldautomatically stop and
internalize his mood andinternalize what he said to me,
which would then change my mood,which would then make me sad,
and I would just walk awaybecause I didn't want any type
(06:53):
of confrontation.
Now, I pause before I react.
So if he does say somethingthat's going to set me off, I
take a deep breath, I count tothree, and I choose my response
wisely.
Even if that response is a looklike, oh no, you didn't, he gets
(07:16):
the picture, we have anunderstanding, and we can move
on.
But I'm choosing not tointernalize other people's
reactions, attitudes, words,things that they're saying,
because that takes too much ofmy inner peace.
Number two, you don't chaseclosure.
(07:40):
You realize some people can'tgive you closure because they
don't have it themselves.
I mean, if you guys couldn'tcome to a mutual understanding
and put both of your big girlpants on to figure out what was
wrong in the relationship, andyou just let it die, then you
(08:01):
just let it die.
There's no reason for you to goand chase after something that's
gonna make you feel better ifyou know that that other person
is not gonna respond or notgonna give you what you need.
It's wasted energy.
Unfortunately, this happens alot in midlife women
relationships, marriages,relationships with your
(08:26):
children, relationships withcoworkers.
Always remember to put yourselffirst.
Put yourself first, get closurewithin yourself.
And thank you for coming to myTED Talk.
Number three, you let people bewrong about you.
Because correcting everynarrative is exhausting, and
(08:48):
you've got better things to do,like healing.
I mean, what's the point incorrecting everything?
That is such wasted energy.
If somebody is gonna feel someway about you or think some way
about you, why take the time toconstantly defend yourself?
(09:09):
If you have to constantly defendyourself, your actions, your
emotions, your thought processeswith someone, they're not your
people, so just move on.
Huh.
That felt good to get that out.
Number four, you stopover-explaining.
Isn't that what I just did?
Number five, you feel peace andsilence.
(09:33):
No more compulsive texting,calling, or checking in.
You're not ghosting, you'regrounding.
Number six, you don't takethings personally.
You understand that projectionis a mirror and not a map.
And I do have to admit, back tothe taking things personally,
(09:56):
it's easier said than done.
I totally get it, but I'venoticed that when I take the
time to think it through,instead of just automatically
reacting, I then choose whetheror not I want to exert my energy
on this particular issue.
You know, it goes back to thatwhole pick your own battles.
(10:20):
I truly believe that detachmentwill help you, as it's helped
me, pick and choose my battles.
And I'm a little bit happierabout that.
And I'm a little bit moregrounded because of it.
And finally, number seven,you're okay with being
(10:40):
misunderstood because yourself-worth isn't up for debate.
And I don't even need toelaborate on that one.
Let's talk about how mindfulnessplays into this.
Mindfulness isn't just deepbreaths and lavender oil.
(11:00):
It's noticing when your nervoussystem is screaming run and you
choose to walk instead.
It's catching yourself mid-dramaspiral and saying, actually, I'm
not auditioning for emotionalcircle display today, so I'm
just going to go ahead and walkaway.
It's choosing peace overperformance.
(11:22):
And yes, it's snarky sometimesbecause humor, believe it or
not, is a coping mechanism, andsarcasm is just trauma-wearing
lipstick.
Now that we've gone over thedefinition of detachment, what
detachment is, what detachmentis not, five reasons we need
(11:46):
detachments, seven signs you'relearning emotional detachment,
and how mindfulness comes intoplay.
Now we get to the good part.
Five ways to practice detachmentwithout losing your humanity.
Detachment is not just amindset, it's a muscle.
(12:09):
And like any muscle, it needsreps.
Here's how to flex it withoutflinching.
Number one, pause before youpounce.
That moment between stimulus andresponse, that's your power
zone.
Take a breath, sip your coffee,and ask yourself, is this mine
(12:31):
to carry or am I justemotionally loitering?
Number two, use the not mycircus mantra.
When drama comes a knocking,whisper to yourself, not my
circus, not my monkeys.
It's cheeky, it's funny, andit's grounding, and it'll remind
(12:56):
you that not every emotionalfire needs your marshmallows.
Number three, limit youremotional availability.
You don't have to be everyone's24-7 therapist, especially if
they're not paying you to bethat.
Start saying things like, I hearyou, that's interesting, hmm, I
(13:21):
agree, instead of let me fixthat.
Oh, let me tell you what I woulddo.
Or uh I don't know.
You're not abandoning people,you're honoring your bandwidth.
Number four, detach fromoutcomes, not effort.
(13:43):
This is a good one.
Do your best, then let it go.
Whether it's a conversation, ajob interview, an argument, a
boundary you set, your worth isnot tied to how it's received.
You're responsible for theinput, but not the reaction.
(14:08):
That one I would go ahead andhighlight in your journal.
Number five, journal like you'rewriting to future you.
Get those tangled thoughts outof your head and onto paper.
You can even use post-it notes,you could use voice memo on your
phone, you can use the notesapp, but just get those thoughts
(14:34):
out of your head and onto paper.
You can ask yourself, what wouldemotionally evolved me do?
Spoiler alert, she wouldn'tspiral, she'd sip on her coffee
and move on.
And once you write things downand you go back maybe a month or
(14:55):
two later, you'd be amazed atseeing if there's been a change
in your thought process, or ifit's still the same, or if it's
worse, but it's a good way toguide you along with your
healing process.
So I know a lot of people talkabout in therapy journaling, eh,
(15:16):
who wants to do that?
But it really, it really doeshelp.
So, next, here's a little loveletter to your evolved self.
To the woman learningdetachment.
You're not cold, you're clear,you're not mean, you're mindful,
(15:37):
you're not broken, you'reboundryful.
Girlfriend, you're allowed towalk away from chaos without the
guilt.
You're allowed to chooseyourself without apology, and
you're allowed to be soft andstrong and snarky and scared.
(15:58):
This version of you, she's notrobotic, she's radiant.
If this episode made you feelseen, validated, or slightly
less like a walking emotionalsponge, share it with someone
who needs a reminder thatdetachment is divine.
And if you're still learning howto detach without
(16:19):
disassociating, welcome to theclub.
We meet weekly, we wearcomfortable stretchy pants, on
Wednesdays we wear pink, and wedon't explain our boundaries to
anyone.
Until next time, stay classy,stay grounded, and remember,
it's okay to not be okay.
(16:44):
Thanks for listening.
Just so we're clear, I'm not alicensed medical health
professional.
I just pay really good ones whohelp me unpack all this chaos so
I can come here and share itwith you.
Think of this as a pay itforward kind of thing.
So until next time, protect yourpeace, set your boundaries, and
(17:05):
remember, it's okay to not beokay.
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