Reflective Functioning: Tools for Healing and Building Stronger Relationships

In this episode of Women's Mental Health Podcast, we dive deep into the powerful role of reflective functioning and how it impacts women’s mental health. Join Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT, as they explore how reflective functioning helps with emotional regulation, coping with narcissistic relationships, and healing from trauma. If you’ve ever felt lost or disconnected, this episode is packed with practical insights and tools to help you understand yourself better and find your path to emotional healing. 

By developing reflective functioning skills, you can gain insight into your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Reflective functioning in therapy for women offers a supportive space to process difficult emotions, manage relationship dynamics, and cultivate stronger, healthier connections. Whether you're navigating reflective functioning for better relationships or seeking tools to cope with emotional challenges, resources like therapy and self-help guides can provide the support needed to foster emotional growth and healing. 

 In upcoming episodes of Women's Mental Health Podcast, we will explore a range of powerful topics designed to help you navigate emotional challenges and foster personal growth. We'll dive into building self-awareness through reflective functioning, offering insights on how this skill can enhance your emotional intelligence and improve relationships. Our goal is to provide you with reflective functioning techniques for women’s mental health that can empower you to understand yourself better, manage emotional difficulties, and cultivate stronger, more resilient relationships. Tune in for practical advice and resources you can use on your journey to healing and self-discovery. 

FAQs

What’s the difference between Reflective Functioning and emotional intelligence?
How can I practice Reflective Functioning in daily life?
Where can I find professional help to improve Reflective Functioning?
What is Reflective Functioning (RF)?
Why is Reflective Functioning important for mental health?
What are signs of poor Reflective Functioning?
What mental health conditions are linked to impaired Reflective Functioning?
How does low Reflective Functioning impact relationships?
Can Reflective Functioning be improved?
How does Reflective Functioning affect parenting?
#ReflectiveFunctioning #MentalHealthAwareness #WomenMentalHealth #TherapyForWomen #EmotionalHealing #MentalHealthMatters #TraumaRecovery #MindfulLiving #SelfAwareness #EmotionalRegulation #SelfDiscovery #EmotionalAwareness #MindfulHealing #MentalWellnessJourney #EmotionalResilience #TherapyTalk #HealingTools #SelfReflection #PersonalGrowthJourney #WomenInTherapy #TraumaHealing #HealingTogether #ReflectAndHea #EmotionalBalance #EmpoweredWomen 

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The Women’s Mental Health Podcast, hosted by licensed therapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, PMH-C, offers educational and entertaining mental health content. This is not therapy or a substitute for professional care. No therapeutic relationship is formed by listening or engaging. Some links may be affiliate links, which may earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Episode Transcript

Randi (00:00):
Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.

(00:02):
I'm randy.
I'm And I'm Jess.
And we are two licensedpsychotherapists, and this is a
safe space where we talk aboutmental health, well being, and
strategies for coping withlife's challenges.
And how all of this is normal,and you are not alone.
If you're new to our podcast, wedeep dive into mental health
topics that impact women justlike you.
Today we're talking aboutsomething that plays a crucial

(00:24):
role in how we navigate ourrelationships, emotions, and
overall mental wellbeing,reflective functioning, or rf.
If you've never

Jess (00:32):
heard of RF before, don't worry.
It has been totally trending inways that you would not even
think of, and we're gonna goahead and break those down for
you.
So find us and more informationat women's mental health
podcast.com.
Have you ever had thesethoughts?
What's the difference betweenreflective functioning and
emotional intelligence?

(00:53):
How can I practice reflectivefunctioning and daily life?
I.
Where can I find professionalhelp to improve reflective
functioning?
What exactly is rf?
Woo.
I keep wanting to say that.
Woo.
Why is reflective functioningimportant for my mental health?
What are signs that I have poor,reflective, functioning?
What mental health conditionsare linked to impaired

(01:15):
reflective functioning?
How does low RF

Randi (01:18):
impact relationships,

Jess (01:20):
can reflective, functioning be improved?
How does RF affect parenting?
We're still going back to whatis rf, right?
Yeah.
What's the difference betweenreflective functioning?

Randi (01:31):
So let's start with the basics.
What is reflective functioning?
Essentially, it's our ability tounderstand our own thoughts,
emotions, behaviors, andrecognize that other people have
their own unique thoughts,emotions, and behaviors too.

Jess (01:46):
That is huge.
That is such a huge thing to go,okay, I can recognize mine and I
can recognize yours.
So what that essentially iscalled is mentalization.
This is what allows us to makesense of our own experiences and
to empathize with others.
Not sympathize, but empathize.
There's a huge difference there.

(02:07):
It plays a huge role in how weform healthy relationships and
how we cope with challenges.

Randi (02:13):
It's very important too because it helps us pause and
reflect before reactingimpulsively.
Think about maybe when you havea disagreement with someone.
If you have strong rf, you cantake a step back, consider their
perspective, and respondthoughtfully.
And instead of reactingemotionally,

Jess (02:32):
yes, but when RF is underdeveloped or impaired, it
can lead to emotional struggles,relationship conflicts, and
difficulty regulating youremotions.
Okay.

Randi (02:43):
Why is RF trending right now?
Can we still blame it on TikTok?

Jess (02:48):
I know asking for a friend.
Can I still blame this on TikTokhere?
So the concept of reflectivefunctioning or rf, it emerged
from psychoanalysis andattachment theory.
I.
Those are two theories that weuse in psychology.
They're not entirely new.
RF is not entirely new.
This started back in what,1980s, 1990s that we started

(03:08):
looking at that.
However, there are a few reasonsthat it is trending right now,
and these are the ones you'regonna go, ah, get it.

Randi (03:16):
So right now in social media, there's definitely an
increased focus on emotionalintelligence.
More people are recognizing theimportance of self-awareness and
empathy in their mental healthand their own relationships.
And RF plays a key role in both.

Jess (03:32):
I love our younger generations that are just
getting this.
They're getting it because ofsocial media.
The other thing is that there'sa growing awareness about mental
health disorders.
It is becoming more common thatwe talk about it.
We're starting to get rid of Thestigma..
So conditions like.
Bipolar disorder, A DHD,postpartum depression.

(03:53):
They're gaining more visibility,and so RF is being studied as a
way to improve emotionalregulation and relationship
dynamics.
I.
within these mental

Randi (04:02):
health disorders.
recently too, there's been a lotmore talk about parenting and
attachment research.
There's more studies coming upon secure attachment and
parenting, emphasizing howimportant RFS role is in
understanding children'semotions and how to foster
emotional security within ourchildren,

Jess (04:21):
which is so great because I always joke that boomers
didn't do this.
They didn't do this to any ofus, right?
And so we're like, we have tolearn how to do this with our
children.
The other one is trauma informedtherapy.
We are starting to work a lotmore with.
Noisy.
We are starting to work a lotmore with trauma.

(04:44):
There's a lot of therapists thatare integrating what's called
MBT, which is mentalizationbased therapy to help
individuals process trauma andstrengthen reflective
functioning for healthiercoping.

Randi (04:57):
There's been a lot of new neuroscience and psychological
research and advances in theneuroscience field are going to
help continue highlight how RFsupports brain function,
resilience and decision making.
I.

Jess (05:12):
The other is there's so much self-help and wellness
trends going on that more peopleare engaging in mindfulness and
journaling and therapy andlistening to our podcast.
Thank, thank you.
And what this is doing, it'saligning with improving RF so we
can have a better mentalwellbeing.

Randi (05:29):
Also, a lot of workplaces are putting value on emotional
intelligence.
Employers are recognizing moreand more the value of emotional
intelligence and RF in thosethat they wanna put in
leadership positions andteamwork positions, or help with
conflict resolutions.
So this makes it a very muchsought after skill.

Jess (05:50):
There's a lot of places that'll do the like, are you an
owl?
Are you a peacock?
Mm-hmm.
Or the Six Sigma black belt,whatever.
Yeah.
Or

Randi (05:57):
the, even the Meyer Briggs, you know, personality
test and stuff, and there'sdifferent variations of that
too.
And all this, that's an al Yeah.
Help them give an idea of whereyou are in your emotional
intelligence and how you wouldfit into a team or lead a team.
But we can see that there is.
A lot of diagnosis that arelinked to having low rf.

(06:19):
What are some of the commondiagnosis we see with that?

Jess (06:23):
The most common is borderline personality disorder
or BPD.
This has difficultyunderstanding one's own
emotions, and others'intentions.
And we did a, a podcast on thata while back talking about that
more.
Another one is depression,because this is where the
negative self-perception, therumination, and difficulty
seeing situations objectively.

(06:45):
That's the doom and gloom.
The it'll never get better.
What's another one?

Randi (06:49):
Another one is PPD postpartum depression.
When you struggle withunderstanding and responding to
a baby's need or a DHD, theimpulsivity can interfere with
your reflection and emotionalregulation.
And even if you don't have aformal diagnosis, many of us can
struggle with RF at times,especially when we're stressed.
Sleep deprived or overwhelmed.

Jess (07:09):
Yes.
It's that nervous systemfunctioning thing that we are
not paying attention to.
So as women, how does all ofthis affect our mental health?

Randi (07:19):
if we are struggling with rf, we might misinterpret
situations.
I love how you say misinterpret.

Jess (07:25):
Misinterpret.
You've done that before.
I'm gonna leave it

Randi (07:28):
Misinterpret.
Situations that lead tounnecessary stress or conflict.
It can affect how we parent.
Engage in relationships and eventhe way we talk to ourselves.
Because if we don't pause, if wedon't reflect we might fall into
negative self-talk or assume theworst about a situation.
Oh.
Kinda like jump to conclusionsabout things because we're not

(07:51):
taking the time to processwhat's happening.

Jess (07:54):
And I can totally see how this would work with a DH adhd,
because not only you impulsive,but most people with A DHD also
have rejection sensitivity tosolve for you.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
And so we already are taking itnegatively.
And then if we already have lowrf, oh, I could see that.
So low RF can make it harder tomanage emotions.
It makes it harder to maintainhealthy boundaries, which are

(08:15):
huge, and therefore making itharder to navigate.
All of our lives challenges.
So on the flip side though, whenRF is strong, we can handle
stress better, we can make morethoughtful decisions and we can
foster healthier relationships'cause we have better boundaries
and better emotional regulation.

Randi (08:35):
But even if you feel, if you're low on reflective
functioning, there's good news.
RF is a skill that can bestrengthened with practice.
And so we're gonna talk aboutsome of the ways that you can
improve it so you can pausebefore reacting.
before you respond emotionally,take a deep breath and ask
yourself, what else could begoing on here?

(08:57):
Or what is triggering me?
Why am I upset

Jess (09:01):
or just counting to 10 before you say something out
loud.
Another one we talk about a lotis journaling.
Whether you're junk journaling,you are journaling on, a pretty
binder that you do whatever itis.
Write about your thoughts andfeelings'cause this can help you
recognize patterns and help youdevelop self-awareness.
And I often have clients gothrough and rewrite it, write

(09:24):
it.
Angry, write it.
Mm-hmm.
And then rewrite it.
It's that whole processing

Randi (09:28):
it.
Yeah.
Processing it, yes.
Another one is mindful practiceslike meditation, deep breathing,
blowing bubbles, walking innature.
This makes you more aware ofyour thoughts your emotions not,
and your physical body, but alsolike your emotional body too,
because you're taking the timeto be with yourself.

Jess (09:49):
Obviously go to therapy.
We're big proponents of thatone.
Work with a therapist.
One who works with either MBT,which is that MENTALIZATION
based therapy, or CBT, which iscognitive behavioral therapy.
That's gonna help youstrengthen, your

Randi (10:04):
rf.
Another thing is to flip thescript when you're feeling
upset.
Ask yourself, is there anotherway to see this?
Or what would I tell a friend inthis situation?
Try to kind of like removeyourself from like the emotions
of it and step back and see theother side of it.
Yeah.

Jess (10:22):
Don't gaslight yourself though.
Yeah.
Just try to say, what would Itell my best friend in this
situation?
Mm-hmm.
The other is practiceperspective taking.
Try to imagine how somebody elsemight be feeling in a situation
which is hard.
That's that whole walk in theirshoes or what might be going on
with them.
Yeah,

Randi (10:38):
and the more that we strengthen rf, the more we
improve our emotionalresiliency, our emotional
intelligence, which improves ourrelationship and our overall
mental health and overallwellbeing.
So again, let's deep dive intothese questions.
Jess.
What exactly is reflective,functioning?

Jess (10:58):
Reflective, functioning or RF is also known as
mentalization.
It's the ability to understandand interpret.
Now I'm saying interpret.
Thank you.
Interpret.
You're welcome.
I can't even say it now.
Now, I don't know.
Interpret.
We're gonna interpret, we'regonna interpret your thoughts
and feelings as well.
Those of others.
It helps with emotionalregulation, relationships, and

(11:21):
your own self-awareness, whichis huge.
So Randy, why is reflectivefunctioning important for mental
health?

Randi (11:27):
Well, we just said it.
It improves your emotionalregulation.
It reduces your anxiety.
It strengthens the relationship,not only with others, but with
yourself.
You learn to trust yourselfmore.

Jess (11:39):
Oh, that's huge.
You know how many women don'tlike you?
Get that gut, trust your gut,and you ignore it.
Yeah, ignore it.
And then something bad happens.
You're like, you're like, oh, Ishould have listened

Randi (11:46):
to myself.

Jess (11:47):
Always listen to your gut.

Randi (11:48):
Jess.
What are signs that we arehaving poor, reflective,
functioning.

Jess (11:52):
Signs include difficulty understanding your emotions.
Misinterpreting, I can't say it.
Others' Intentions, impulsivereactions and struggles with
empathy or self-awareness whenyou just can't understand other
people or give anybody any kindof empathy, and we're not
talking sympathy, but empathy.
Randy, what mental healthconditions are linked to

(12:13):
impaired rf?

Randi (12:14):
Borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorders,
depression disorders A DHD andpostpartum depression too are
some of the major ones that wesee heavily impacted by impaired
rf.
Jess, how does low reflectivefunctioning impact our
relationships?

Jess (12:34):
It leads to misunderstandings and emotional
outbursts when mom is losing herever loving mind.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Difficulty setting boundaries,challenging and recognizing
others' perspectives is likeyour way or the highway.
That's it.
All of those.
And just again, if mom's losingher shit in the middle of the
kitchen, maybe she needs to takesome rest.

(12:55):
Mm-hmm.
So can reflective functioning beimproved?
Randy?

Randi (12:59):
Yes.
Like we talked aboutmindfulness, journaling, therapy
engaging in self-reflectionexercises, resting your body.
Oh, resting your nervous system.
Go listen to our previous twopodcasts about rest and
repairing your nervous systemand.

(13:20):
Do these things to improve youroverall health and your
reflective functioning.
Jess, how can this impact andaffect our parenting?

Jess (13:30):
Strong RF helps parents understand their child's
emotions and respond withempathy, which is so hard right
there.
Yeah.
It's

Randi (13:37):
a hard time.
'cause we always are like, whydon't you just do what I do or
do what I say?
And it's and sometimes the worldis very different than when we
grew up with it too, so it'shard to have.
Always like that empathy orunderstanding of what they're
walking through because it is sodifferent than when we were
younger.

Jess (13:53):
I saw a thing the other day that said, you are not
failing at life.
Now in your thirties, what youare doing is you're navigating a
life that is different thanprevious generations did in
their thirties.
Mm-hmm.
Because we no longer have thesame college experiences.
We no longer have the samehousing market.
We no longer have, everything's

Randi (14:13):
different, finance.
Tech,

Jess (14:15):
Yes, I'm not trying to have relationships with
everything is, oh my God, thankeverything is God.
We didn't have social mediagrowing up.
They're trying to do all that.
So it's just different.
But when we have poor rf, itleads to being frustrated with
our children, not understandingwhat their needs are and being
emotionally disconnected, whichis so hard, like right now.

(14:36):
And that causes other issues.

Randi (14:37):
Yeah.

Jess (14:38):
I feel old as it is.
'cause I'm like, I don't knowwhat pop off means.
What does pop off means?
I don't play video games.
Yeah.
It just

Randi (14:44):
means I don't know.
Like go,

Jess (14:46):
go

Randi (14:46):
off, go do your thing.
Yeah.
Do your thing.
Woo woo.
Yeah.
I, I dunno, I can't, I'mconstantly.
Asking like even people like intheir thirties that I game with
or what are you saying?
What is that word?
We're not even that far apart inage and I don't understand
anything you're saying.
I know

Jess (15:04):
because I thought puff off was like F off and I was like,
and they're like, no, no, it'sactually a good thing.

Randi (15:09):
My friends said the other day, I'm so py and I said, Py,
what?
What's py you?
You creepy.
Creepy.
What?
Sleepy.
It's sleepy.
I said I constantly feel like Ineed to be up in Urban
Dictionary trying to understandother generations.
But yeah, but so imagine

Jess (15:25):
if we can't even understand some of their lingo.
Imagine not being able, if wehave poor rf, that we're not
gonna be connected to thememotionally.
So Randy, how can I practicereflective functioning

Randi (15:35):
in my daily life?
Really, the main thing that'simportant is to start by
pausing.
Before reacting, ask yourselfabout possible perspectives in
that situation.
Flip the script, try to see itfrom all sides.
Write down your thoughts andengage in mindful
self-reflection.
Think about how could I havehandled this differently or how,

(15:57):
not negative self-talk, but in apositive way, and not toxic.
No, nothing toxic.
So Jess, what's the differencebetween reflective functioning
and emotional intelligence?

Jess (16:07):
I.
Emotional intelligence involvesrecognizing and managing
emotions?
Well, the difference is that RFspecifically focuses on
understanding the underlyingthoughts and mental states
behind behaviors, which is huge.
It's like, okay, if weunderstand why we did it, let's,
work on that.
Randy.
Where can I find professionalhelp to improve rf?

Randi (16:28):
Find therapists that are trained in MBT MENTALIZATION
based therapy, cognitivebehavioral therapy, CBT, and
psychodynamic therapy.
Those, therapists usuallyspecialize in those aspects, and
that can help improve RF skills.
There's also online resources,mental health podcasts like
ours.
Yes.

(16:48):
And we I usually writeaccompanying articles with all
of our podcasts too, so you cango on our website and search for
them.
Looking up self-help books onmindfulness and emotional
regulation and emotionalintelligence too can also help
pair with this.

Jess (17:02):
Oh, and boundaries.
Don't forget your boundaries.
Mm-hmm.
So whether you're just learningabout RF or you've been working
on it for a while, remember thatyour self-awareness is a
journey.
We're never gonna get to theend.

Randi (17:13):
It's always evolving a hundred percent.
You need to be patient withyourself and others and know
that every little step you taketowards strengthening yourself
and your mental health is a steptowards a better you.
If you found

Jess (17:27):
this episode helpful, please share it with a friend
and don't forget to subscribe soyou don't miss our next episode.
And little bell at the top.
Ding ding.
And don't forget to leave us areview, please.
We love to hear from you guys.
Yes, we

Randi (17:40):
love your feedback.
Thank you for spending time withus today.
We appreciate you all so much.

Jess (17:46):
Until next time, take care of yourself.