October 16, 2024 • 35 mins
Ever find yourself agonizing over the "right" amount to tip, feeling it tug at your emotions and your wallet? You're not alone. In this episode, join Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT as they unpack why tipping has tipped the scales of our financial comfort. We're flipping the script - transforming the way we think about generosity, social pressures, and ultimately, how we nurture our own financial health. For every woman out there juggling the quest for emotional balance with the practicalities of daily expenses, let's navigate this together, affirming that our self-worth is not defined by how much we give.
In a world where the simple act of tipping can spiral into a complex web of emotions and financial stress, it's essential to ground ourselves in understanding and support. Why has tipping become such a burden? It's woven deeply into our social fabric, carrying expectations that often weigh heavily on us. By diving into the heart of this issue, we can decode the stress behind tipping expectations and learn how to navigate these waters without guilt. For women particularly, maneuvering through these moments requires resilience and a strong support network focused on financial empowerment.
In our upcoming episodes, we pledge to dive deep into the heart of what many of us navigate daily but might feel too overwhelmed or uneasy to discuss openly: our financial well-being intertwined with societal expectations, particularly around tipping. From the unseen emotional labor that accompanies every tipping encounter to the candid, often unspoken realities of the financial strain it places on women--we're uncovering it all. Together, let's liberate ourselves from the weight of societal expectations and craft a future where our financial decisions—tipping included—are made with confidence and peace of mind.
FAQs
Why has tipping become so expected in many industries?
How does tipping contribute to workers' livelihoods?
What's the standard tipping rate for dining out?
Should I tip if I receive bad service?
How should I approach tipping for services outside the food industry, like hair salons or taxi services?
What about tipping for coffee or counter service?
Should I tip on takeout or delivery orders?
What if I can't afford to tip generously?
#tipping #tippingpoint #tippingculture #tippingetiquette #tips #ProtectYourPeaceNow #EmotionalWellnessMatters #FindYourInnerCalm #PrioritizeYourMentalHealth #HealthyBoundariesHappierLife #StressManagementStrategies #AnxietyReliefTips #ResilienceBuildingJourney #MindfulnessMatters #SelfCareEmpowerment
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The Women’s Mental Health Podcast, hosted by licensed therapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, PMH-C, offers educational and entertaining mental health content. This is not therapy or a substitute for professional care. No therapeutic relationship is formed by listening or engaging. Some links may be affiliate links, which may earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Randi (00:00):
Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.
(00:02):
I'm randy.
I'm And I'm Jess.
And we are two licensedpsychotherapists, and this is a
safe space where we talk aboutmental health, well being, and
strategies for coping withlife's challenges.
And how all of this is normal,and you are not alone.
Today's topic is something we'veall encountered and for many
it's causing a lot of stress andsometimes confusion.
(00:22):
Tipping.
Jess (00:23):
That's me.
I get so confused and sostressed about it because I'm
going, why has it become sooverdone?
When and where is this expected?
And how much There's so muchpressure.
And if you're standing withfriends, you're like, I don't
want to look cheap, but at thesame time, I also don't want to
just hand over money that Idon't feel I should have to.
And it's so confusing when youhave a partner who tips
(00:47):
differently than you do.
I've heard so many stories andseen so many polls.
We even did one in our groupabout where people tip and it's
so
Randi (00:56):
crazy out there.
So we're going to get intowhat's appropriate to tip in
different situations and how tohelp friends and family and
yourself cope with tippingstress because if you've ever
felt confused or overwhelmed atthe tip, or the screen or
wondering what is right,
Jess (01:15):
you are definitely not alone.
You're not.
So find us and more informationon womensmentalhealthpodcast.
com.
Have you ever had thesethoughts?
Why has tipping become soexpected in so many industries
now?
Randi (01:29):
How does tipping contribute to workers
livelihoods?
Jess (01:33):
What is the standard tipping rate for dining out?
Should I tip if I receive badservice?
Is tipping customary in
Randi (01:40):
all countries?
How should I approach tippingfor services outside the food
industry, like hair salons orUber, yeah Lyft, all those
things.
Jess (01:51):
What about tipping for coffee or counter service?
Ooh, I'm going to tell you abouta reel I saw that is that thing
just changed my brain.
Okay.
Should I tip on takeout ordelivery orders?
Especially if you're the onetaking it out.
How can I navigate situationswhere a service charge is
already included?
Randi (02:09):
What if I can't afford to tip generously like I want to?
Jess (02:13):
Yeah, or, the other question we probably should have
done is, Do I tip differentlyduring the holidays?
What do I, wait, is there adifferent Yeah, extra
Randi (02:20):
tipping?
Is there a Oh gosh, we could,there's a whole rabbit hole into
this.
Jess (02:23):
Tip on the tip, oh that sounds disgusting,
Randi (02:25):
sorry.
Just the
Jess (02:26):
tip.
Randi (02:27):
Just the tip, please.
That's what we'll call this one.
Okay, so what exactly is tippingand why has it become so
overdone and so overwhelming?
Jess (02:39):
Tipping is the extra payment given to workers,
usually in service jobs, to showappreciation for their work.
It used to be that tipping wasexpected in certain industries
like restaurants for services orhairdressing, but recently I am
seeing it expanded to likeeverywhere.
Like I saw everything and youknow what actually started this
(03:02):
was I referred our housekeeperto a neighbor Because I was
like, okay, cool.
And the lady calls me and goes,Jessica, is it normal for them
to require a tip?
I was like, I'm sorry.
Require.
Require.
It's in the contract.
I was like, A, I don't have acontract and B, no, I have never
heard of anybody tipping ahousekeeper and I was blown away
and I was actually kind ofembarrassed because, I referred
(03:24):
this person and I'm like, okay,so I'm not going to refer them,
but I have never heard of aweekly tip for a housekeeper.
I
Randi (03:33):
didn't know about that either.
And then, and it might be too itvaries.
Like in areas or, states or Idon't know.
But I had a cleaner at the houseone day and she started talking
about how this other, clientnever tipped her.
And I also never tipped her.
So I was like, okay, she's doingthis on purpose, but I didn't
(03:53):
know that it was a thing, but Idid give them like gifts and
stuff during the holidays and anextra bonus.
Yes.
I gave a bonus during theholiday.
And then I'm like, she's liketalking about me, like where I
can hear her like on purpose.
And I was like, she's probablytalking about me cause I don't
tip my housekeeper.
And I was like, that's, is thata thing?
I didn't know that was a thing.
Cause I'm already paying likesuch a high fee for this
(04:14):
service.
And I was quoted for thisservice.
And it was already like over theaverage.
So I was Okay.
Jess (04:22):
I even had somebody on the poll we did say that they had
some mint work done and whenthey went to pay, there was a
spot for them to put a tip.
And she was like, and it was forthe owner of the company.
She was like, but I don'tunderstand if we were quoted
this, why am I putting a tip foryou who owns the company?
And I was like, oh crap, am Isupposed to be tipping my
landscaper now?
Because I don't tip mylandscaper.
(04:42):
He sends me a bill, I pay it.
Randi (04:43):
So we're seeing this everywhere.
Fast food counters.
Yes.
Yes.
Self checkouts, it feels likeevery interaction has become a
transaction.
Jess (04:53):
Yes.
And then they look at you likeyou're guilty.
Or you're rude or Yeah.
Or they look at you like, well,are you going to tip now?
And you're like am I supposedto?
And I think, honestly, I think alot of this started back with
COVID.
I think in COVID, we were tryingto show people that we are so
thankful for the work thatthey're doing, that it just all
of a sudden blew up.
Randi (05:12):
I don't know.
And I think a lot of it too hascome into maybe like our digital
payment systems, our Applewallets and the screens, they
just give it to you and it says,do you want a tip?
it just prompts you to do thesethings.
So maybe it's, since it's morevisible, I don't know.
Or.
Jess (05:28):
what about, like, when you have Target or Walmart
delivered?
For Target, if I have itdelivered, they won't let me
back into their online app Intothe app without choosing a tip.
I have to give a star and choosea tip if I want to get back.
It's super annoying.
So I just, honestly, I don'torder for them very much
anymore.
Because I'm like, either tell mein the beginning.
I
Randi (05:47):
feel guilty if I don't, and then I'm like, but they
didn't even fill half of myorder, and I feel like Still
need to, and it was like
Jess (05:53):
two weeks ago or three weeks ago, and I
Randi (05:55):
don't remember.
And it's I understand that a lotof workers rely heavily on tips
to make up for their low wages,but at what point does it become
the responsibility of us asmiddle class?
It doesn't even matter aboutclass, but why?
But instead, why is it not goingback to the corporation that
should be paying them?
Why isn't Target paying themmore?
(06:16):
Why isn't, Walmart paying themmore?
Why isn't, the fast foodrestaurant paying them more that
owns millions of dollars infranchises?
Like, why is it coming down tothe direct consumer and the
guilt that we feel over it?
Jess (06:30):
And I was actually talking to a neighbor recently, a male,
and he was like, Oh, and thenlook at you and you feel guilty.
So you end up tipping him eventhough they didn't do anything.
And he goes okay, so it's notjust us.
It's not just women who arelooking at this.
So I feel like they're notpaying them a livable wage,
especially in service jobs.
They expect.
I did hear that next year,either candidate who wins, this
(06:51):
isn't political, okay guys, buteither candidate has said
they're no longer going to taxpeople on tips.
Randi (06:57):
let's define what a living wage is.
Oh, okay.
So that's the minimum.
income or salary you need tocover your basic needs like
food, shelter, healthcare, withalso having some room for
emergencies and savings.
the goal is with a living wageto ensure that people can earn
(07:19):
enough to live a healthy life.
I'm not saying caviar, wishesand dreams, but.
Enough to cover your essentials.
And most people do not earnthat.
No.
Do
Jess (07:32):
you remember the guy who did supersize me?
He did nothing but eatMcDonald's for a month and then
he got sick.
And then he got sick.
Well, he also did another onewhere he and his partner, I
think it was his wife.
They went to say, okay, can welive on a living wage?
And they started with nothing.
They had no money, no nothing.
And they were earning minimumwage.
(07:53):
And he was like, we can't eveneat.
They're living in like barebones and she couldn't document.
And she couldn't like, she waslike, how do I buy my tampons?
She couldn't afford
Randi (08:02):
medical care and she couldn't get it.
She couldn't buy her tampons
Jess (08:05):
because
Randi (08:06):
they're so expensive.
This is honest to God.
What most households face day inand day out.
When I worked with.
Clients at the homeless shelter,most of them could not afford
tampons, sanitary pads, toiletpaper, anything.
I kept items, essential items inmy office for them to just take
(08:29):
out of a basket.
They didn't have to ask me ifthey needed them because they
could not even, I remember justcrying at my desk one afternoon
because a client told me she wasso excited.
She had found a dollar in theparking lot so she could buy
herself pads.
And I was young at the time andI had no idea about this huge,
(08:49):
this gap and I was like, Oh,like my heart was just breaking
inside and from that moment on,I always kept essentials because
I was like, nobody deserves tofeel like they have to choose
between food and their hygiene,at what point has this burden
shifted to us as women?
(09:09):
Consumers and customers.
Jess (09:12):
Exactly.
That's the story I tell about mydentist where he now supplies
tampons for all of hishygienists, they're all females.
He had no idea because theoffice manager was buying him
and he was like, Oh, am I payingfor that?
And she was like, yes.
You are you have women that workhere and we will be putting them
in the bathroom.
Obviously, if somebody startstheir period, you don't want
them to leave.
He was like, okay, cool.
(09:32):
Just keep doing what you'redoing.
I just didn't realize that waspart of the Costco run, but all
right, cool.
And I think that's great that,he does that.
But so let's look at tipping, Itreally went back.
If we go into like the roots ofwhere did this start?
It didn't start in COVID.
Okay.
That was just my gripe, but itoriginated back in Europe and it
was adopted in the U S after thecivil.
War.
So when was the Civil War?
(09:53):
Eighteen something?
Randi (09:54):
According to my kids, I was born in the 1800s.
Jess (09:57):
So you should know.
But originally it was seen as agesture of generosity.
Just being able to think beingso thankful.
Exactly.
Overwhelmed with joy.
But what happened was over timeit became embedded into certain
industries as a way to avoidpaying fair wages.
And
Randi (10:14):
this is huge in the U.
S.
A lot of other countries do nothave a tipping culture.
This is very heavily, U.
S.
based.
Jess (10:23):
I have a friend who was over in Berlin.
She was stationed in Germany wayback when, Like back when the
Berlin Wall came down.
She's got a piece of the BerlinWall.
They were allowed to go Overinto the, was it the east side?
That's really strict.
I can't remember anymore.
I'm so like history is not mything guys.
History and geography and mathand anything else.
But anyway, okay.
But what happened was she saidthey can go over there.
(10:44):
They couldn't ride the bus.
They weren't allowed to docertain things.
And they had to exchange themoney.
And so she said, as they'recoming back, cause I guess
comforters.
I don't know.
That's what she, I remember hertelling me that.
So what was happening is whenthey came back, they stopped and
nobody tipped, but they had allthis extra change.
And for them as Americans okay,whatever, they left it on the
table for this person.
(11:05):
The waiter started to crybecause what they threw down was
like a month's salary for him ora year's salary.
It was huge and they were justlike, whatever, no big deal
because nobody tips over there.
And for them, they're like, Idon't want to have to exchange
it and blah, blah, blah.
that stuck with me.
And anytime I've gone over toEurope, we don't tip.
It's the weirdest thing.
You just get the customerservice because that's what
(11:27):
their job is.
It's so different.
That's the expectation.
Exactly.
Randi (11:31):
It's very hard.
Like you said, like he was sooverwhelmed.
He needed that.
And it's like, how do you know?
If they do have a living wage,if they are okay.
So like a couple of years ago,we went on one of those all
inclusive, vacations as a familyand I saved years for us to go
on it.
But they were like, no tipping,everything's included the food,
(11:51):
the drinks you don't tip, but Ifelt like the workers were so
like dissatisfied and wereprobably not being paid a fair
wage.
And it was.
Really hard to be like I knowwe're not supposed to tip and
like they would get fired ifthey accepted a tip But I was
(12:11):
like, are they being paid Well,I wasn't getting that feeling.
So it was like very frustrating,to see that I had spent all this
money on this vacation, but itfelt like a lot of the,
employees were disgruntledbecause they weren't being
treated fairly.
Jess (12:27):
What's happening is that as our wages, we're staying the
same, they're not increasing,but our cost of living and
inflation,
Randi (12:35):
groceries, everything has gone
Jess (12:37):
up.
So now tipping is more of asocietal norm.
It's expected.
It's also more casual in reallyunexpected places.
Like I was talking about theconcrete person or the
housekeeper, it's No longer areward for service, and that's I
think my soapbox is that it'snot a reward for service.
It's an expectation becausesometimes it's a necessity.
(12:58):
For these workers to make theirends meet.
But is that my responsibility oris it the company's
responsibility?
Randi (13:05):
when you have added expectations like this, and it's
unclear whether, you should tipor not, this can create a lot of
stress and anxiety for women,because we do internalize
things.
it can create a financial burdentoo, because we can feel guilty
for not doing things that wefeel are the norm.
(13:26):
So when tipping feels mandatory,that can add up very quickly.
if you already feel like you'restruggling financially, whether
that's due to wage gaps orcaregiving costs or your
personal finances or losing ajob or being ill, Tipping can
make everyday purchases justfeel that much more overwhelming
(13:48):
and expensive.
It can.
It's, it, I got lost.
My daughter was texting.
I'm sorry.
Let's go to decision fatigue atthe end of page three.
Jess (13:59):
Okay.
Cause that's totally me.
So all this pressure that Randyis talking about, it leads to
decision fatigue.
And that's how I feel sometimesis that I just don't even want
to go there cause I don't evenknow what to do.
And it just feels like we'remaking this countless choices
every day anyway.
And so now I got to pull out myphone and figure out the math on
it.
Cause I just said, I can't domath.
(14:20):
It's just become another momentwhere we have to decide what's
right.
And that's, I think what I'mmore frustrated about is not the
money, but it's the decision.
And that's actually reallyinteresting because it is, it's
about the decision of what isright.
You're feeling mentallyexhausted.
Exactly.
And it is so draining because Ihave to figure all it, what is
(14:41):
the correct thing?
Randi (14:42):
So how do we cope with the stress that can sometimes
come with this?
tipping.
Like, how do we deal with theoverload?
How do we deal with the mentalexhaustion?
How do we deal with one morethought?
Jess (14:54):
The first thing is, I set my own personal tipping
guideline.
I saw a reel a couple of weeksago, a couple months ago, I
don't know, it was a while ago,and it said, I am no longer, and
this is what kind of made methink about it, I am no longer
tipping if I have to stand up,order it, right?
If I'm at a counter and I'm onmy feet ordering, I am no longer
(15:14):
tipping if I have to carry itout.
And I'm no longer tipping if Ihave to drive the car.
And I was like, I like that.
I know it feels like, why shouldI give a tip at Starbucks when
I'm doing a drive thru?
If somebody though, oh man, letme tell you, I do tip well if
they come in the snow.
If they deliver to my house inthe snow, I will tip very well.
(15:35):
Because I'm like, I didn't wantto go out in that.
And that to me is a service.
So anyway.
Figure out what your personaltipping guidelines are.
Decide ahead of time where andwhen you want to tip.
Just figure out in general whatyour rule is because this is
going to help you feel more incontrol.
It helps me when I'm looking atthat tipping screen to be okay
with what my personal choice is.
(15:55):
And do not compare yourself tosomebody else because we're all
different.
Randi (16:01):
So I know a lot of time on social media, I'll see well,
you shouldn't go out to eat oryou shouldn't do this or you
shouldn't do that.
If you can't afford to tip, Idon't think people should have
to choose between living, a lifeand sometimes, Taking their
family out to eat.
If that's the one, time, everysix months they're able to, if
they have the fear that theywon't be able to tip on top of
(16:23):
it, like we shouldn't shamepeople about that.
And I see a lot of peoplecomment that, and it's I feel
like tipping should just comefrom if you have the ability to
do it and if you want to, and ifyou want to, and if you have
gotten good service, then youcan.
And.
Even if there are certainexpectations, because like here
in the US, it's like on averageabout 15 to 20 percent is
(16:45):
usually what you tip in arestaurant, and maybe if you
want to give, a coffee shop,people usually throw 1 or
something in the tip jar.
But sometimes that can help easethe uncertainty, but I don't
feel like there should be shamearound it.
We have enough shame and enoughstress about
Jess (17:02):
money.
We do.
We really do.
And you know what?
I also want you, you know mypractice of practice saying no.
It is a boundary.
It is a complete sentence.
It is okay to skip the tip if itdoesn't feel appropriate or it
doesn't feel right.
Feel like you can financially doit.
You don't have to tip justbecause there is a prompt, it is
okay to hit that no button.
(17:22):
It is okay to say no thank you.
When they say, would you like toleave a tip?
No, thank you.
Give yourself permission toprioritize your own financial
wellbeing.
Your in charge.
It is your money.
Yes, you are in charge.
Randi (17:36):
And then another thing too is if this really stresses
you out, create.
A budget for it.
So give yourself an amount thatyou're going to tip throughout
the year that you arefinancially capable of and add
that into your budget.
So you have a designated amountset aside for each month so that
you aren't stressed about itwhen it comes to that.
(17:58):
And remember that this is notsomething.
That's like a personal attack onyou.
It always feels awkward.
I feel for all of us who go inthis situation.
Jess (18:09):
Cause it feels it can linger and I want you to let go
of that because it's not areflection on your character.
You do not have to meet everyexpectation that is placed on
you.
And I want you to hear thatagain.
You do not have to meet everyexpectation that's placed on
you.
We can let a lot of that crapgo.
Let's talk about what'sconsidered a fair tip in various
(18:30):
settings, Randy.
So we can do a quick guide.
You do not have to follow ourguide.
You can make your own link wejust talked about, but I want
you guys to we're just going torun through some.
Randi (18:39):
This is what we found on average and what we have pulled
from people.
So restaurants, like wementioned, on average for sit
down service is about 15 to 20%.
Okay.
Usually a small tip, maybearound like 10 percent is
appreciated if the stuff hasgone out of their way.
Now, what about something likecoffee shops and quick services?
Jess (19:00):
This one is typically more optional.
If the service is reallyfriendly or if you frequent it
often, tipping 1 to 2 can benice.
But it is not required for youto tip every time you buy a
dollar coffee to throw anotherdollar in the tip jar.
It's if you want, or if they'refriendly, or like I said, you go
every morning, and they'remaking your coffee.
Go for it.
Randi (19:18):
Well, let's be honest.
Coffee can be like reallyexpensive, too.
You're like, I just paid
Jess (19:22):
30 bucks at Costco the, er Starbucks the other day, and I
was like, what happened?
Yeah, what just happened?
Randi (19:26):
We, no! That's why I go to our local coffee shop,
because they have better prices.
And then I can tip better,because I'm not paying 10 for a
small coffee.
But anyway another thing tooride sharing, like Uber or Lyft
tipping, about 10 20 percent iscommon, depending on the length
of the ride, and the size.
service quality.
Jess (19:46):
Oh my God, I gotta tell you last time I was in an Uber,
I don't know if I can ever do itagain.
I thought I was going to die.
And I was with my friend andshe's normally, she's a scary
driver and she normally does notget scared by driving.
She was scared.
I was like, just drop me off onthe side of the goddamn freeway.
I will find out how to get home.
I have never been so terrified.
(20:06):
Like I got out of that car and Iwanted to kiss the ground.
Like she's breaking for him andshe is telling him to slow down.
And finally I was like, dude,you need to slow down.
We are in a construction zoneand this is going to stop fast.
And I was just like praying andI don't pray.
And I was just like, okay,universe, please let me make it
home.
I do not want to die on thistrip.
(20:26):
And.
It was, I haven't been one sincecause I was terrified.
Sorry.
Randi (20:30):
So let's talk about delivery services.
So like groceries, so many of usthat have so many things going
on, rely on delivery serviceslike, Walmart plus Target
Amazon.
So for these,
Jess (20:46):
what is standard?
So For food delivery, we'retalking about like food delivery
tipping around 15 to 20 percentis standard.
For a larger grocery delivery orpackages, a tip of 5 to 10 is
appreciated.
But here's the thing, I'mconfused by this statement
because if I order 200 ingroceries, now that groceries
have gone up so much, God, I'mon a rant today.
(21:07):
I'm just on a different rant.
But because groceries have goneup so much now, I'm tipping more
for less groceries and less timein the store.
And so for that, I normally willjust give a dollar amount.
I don't do a percentage.
Randi (21:19):
That's interesting.
And it's hard though, too,because I use Instacart for
Costco and they say that, Thedelivery person can, or, the
picker, I don't know can see theshopper can see the amount of
the tip and those with highertips, they even put this in the
in the app, get picked first.
So if they think your tip islower than it should be, they
(21:42):
tell you like, it might not getpicked.
Picked first or they might denyit and I'm like, oh shit.
Well, there's another addedstress, same thing like these
groceries are out of controlwith the prices.
Target's
Jess (21:52):
the same way because the lady at Target I go Oh, you
always she goes I go you alwaysdeliver my stuff.
She goes.
Yeah, you tip really well And somy stuff always got delivered
and I was like, Oh, that'sinteresting.
I didn't realize they could seea tip I left.
And so it was like, okay, if Iwant something faster, I'll
leave a bigger tip.
If I'm not like, I'm like, I canget it anytime today.
(22:13):
I may not leave the bigger tip.
It depends on how fast I wantit.
And now we're playing the game.
Randi (22:18):
And a lot of those services you can't go back and
edit the tip afterwards, butthey give you like a limited
window of time.
24 hours or something.
Cause it's like what if youtipped, like 50 on this and they
only fill one of your like 50items, or whatever it is.
So another thing too is for likepersonal services and beauty
services, like the hairdresser,the nail salon.
(22:39):
What do you feel is
Jess (22:40):
average for that?
For what we found it's 15 to 20percent is typical for these
types of services.
But now here's the thing.
I was always told that if it'sthe salon owner, you're not
supposed to tip the salon owner.
And that was one of the things Idid in my poll, right?
If it's the owner of the salon,do you tip?
And people were like kind of 50,50, right?
Like the salon owner should beable to say, this is what I want
(23:02):
to charge.
And I have another friend whoshe goes, the guy won't, my
salon, my stylist won't let metake a tip.
He won't let me leave a tip.
He says, Nope, I charge you whatI want.
Don't pay me a tip.
Yeah, and I was like, Oh, thankGod.
Can you just tell me what youwant, please?
And I'll just pay that becausethat just seems so much better.
Randi (23:17):
Can you just write it all into your flat fee and I just
pay that so I know what I'mgetting into.
I can plan for it.
I can budget it.
And that's that.
There's no and then you're notfeeling slighted either.
That maybe I wasn't aware thatyou want to be tipped a certain
amount, because I feel likethere's all this convoluted,
information where maybe peoplehave certain expectations and
(23:37):
you don't know thoseexpectations because there's no
communication about this.
And another thing too, is hotelstaff, like when you're staying
somewhere like housekeeping,like we were talking about like
a house cleaner in your home,but what if when you're
traveling,
Jess (23:51):
My mom always said that, like, when she went to Vegas,
she would always leave change.
She'd always leave whateverextra she would leave some money
on the, for the housekeepers.
Because she didn't want them tosteal her stuff or whatever.
I don't know what the answer ison that one.
But, I don't know.
I don't think I've ever tipped ahousekeeper.
I've never tipped the hotel.
I tip if they carry my bags up.
Oh, like a bell hop.
Yeah.
(24:11):
Or if they bring me food, I'vetipped for that.
We were somewhere for mydaughter's birthday and they
brought a cake, like at six inthe morning to wake her up for
her birthday.
And I tipped for that.
Plus he totally woke us up causeI forgot to set an alarm.
So I appreciated it.
And so that one was a servicewhere he brought it to me.
And so I just, I don't know.
It's so confusing.
Good.
That's it.
Randi (24:31):
Well, at the end of the day, these are just ideas.
They're just guidelines and youreally have to set, like we
talked about your personalpreference on how you want to
move forward with this and giveyourself the leeway to not feel
guilty about it.
So why has tipping become soexpected in so many industries?
Jess (24:52):
it has evolved into a cultural norm and it really is
seen as a way to supplementworkers wages.
And so they're trying to getthat living wage higher so they
can actually live but I thinkemployers are really trying to
pay less.
Randy, how does tippingcontribute to workers
livelihoods?
Randi (25:09):
Well, for many people, especially in the service
industry, it's not just extra,it's a significant part of their
earnings.
I know a lot of states havechanged it, but it used to be
like restaurant workers onlyearned like 3 an hour, because
they were seen as making tips,like that was their income,
which it's not.
Beyond crazy to me, so in a lotof scenarios, tips bridge that
(25:33):
living wage gap and reallysupplement the base pay.
that becomes A vital part oftheir financial wellbeing.
But again, like where does thisburden lie?
So should you tip if you receivebad service?
Jess (25:47):
Oh, I think it's a personal choice.
If you're going to look at theservice quality, if the service
was disappointing, it'sunderstandable.
If you want to adjust the tipaccordingly, some opt to leave a
modest tip to acknowledge theeffort.
Even if the outcome was lackingthe other thing is I want you
guys also to know was it theservice was bad or was The food
(26:09):
bad because
Randi (26:11):
yeah, there's a difference.
There's
Jess (26:12):
a difference I could have got great service and a lousy
cook or I could have got a greatcook and lousy service I want
you to look at what you'retipping and what you're tipping
for so Randy is tippingcustomary in all countries No,
Randi (26:26):
it varies widely around the world So in some countries
tipping is not customaryExpected it's frowned upon.
They take offense to beingtipped.
And then in other countries likeours, it's vital, to their
livelihood.
it's important to understandwhen you are traveling, what
(26:47):
that culture is so that youaren't stressed and you're not
having, miscommunications whileyou're traveling.
Now, just how should youapproach tipping for services
outside of the food industry?
Say you're going to get yournails
Jess (27:00):
done.
I think the rule of thumb ingeneral is 10 to 20%, depending
upon how satisfied you are withthe service.
These tips are a way to showappreciation for their time and
skill.
And if you really want to comeback to them, it's also so they
remember you.
Let's be real.
And you can get back in withthat person.
It's really up to you how youwant to do it.
(27:20):
If you always want to go to thesame nail person and you want
her to know you, that's a way todo it.
Randy, should I tip on takeoutor delivery orders?
Randi (27:29):
It's recognized as something, that is the norm.
If the effort is providedbecause of the convenience, I
always feel like you're payingfor the convenience of the
service.
And so around 10 to 15 percentis common.
I feel like though, if like yousaid, it's like snowing outside
or it's raining or there's astorm, or they've gotten it to
(27:49):
you maybe quicker than expected.
You can always.
Pay if you choose to, if youwant to go above and beyond
that.
Now, how do you navigatesituations where there's a
service charge already included?
Sometimes I've been not toldthat it was included and given
it to me, and they've also givenme a thing to tip on top of it.
(28:09):
I did that too! Yeah, and if Ihadn't of read my receipt and
just normally signed, I wouldhave seen that I was, giving a
Jess (28:17):
crazy tip.
It was that French restaurant wego to, isn't it?
Because that's what got me.
I realized after a glass of winethat I think I tipped that dude
a hundred dollars.
And I was like, well, okay,cool.
Too late.
But yeah, when there's a servicecharge added, Additional tipping
is optional, Usually the chargeis a minimum.
If you have a big party, they'lladd that in if it's 18 or 20%,
(28:37):
depending upon the party size.
This charge often goes to theservice team.
You might choose to tip extrafor the service provider or the
cook.
We've tipped for the sushi set.
I can't say that.
Sushi's
Randi (28:50):
chef.
You can't say it either.
Not today.
Well, and that's another thingyou were saying the service
team, like it goes to the serverteam.
Some places.
Everybody gets a portion of thetip from the dishwasher, the
sweeper, the cook.
It's going into a pot.
Some places, it only goes to theserver.
If you want to ask, how is mytip given, you have a right to
(29:12):
ask.
To ask that.
You have a right to communicateand to be educated about this.
If it is stressful andoverwhelming.
Jess (29:18):
Yeah, some people the waitresses or the waitress,
wait, waiter, God, I think Ican't talk today.
The waiter or waitress, theytake the tip and then they pay
what they want to their busperson And so it depends on what
they want and you don't know.
And their
Randi (29:32):
relationship.
Let's talk about, we just talkedabout workplace bullying.
That could be, something too.
What if.
Jess (29:37):
They don't want to share.
So you are allowed to ask howit's divided up.
You are allowed to say, that isnot what I wanted to pay.
I'd like to pay this instead.
This is your money and you cando what you want.
So Randy what about tipping atcoffee or counter service?
Randi (29:52):
nothing is an obligation.
There's no law that you have totip.
But it's always a kind gesture.
Okay.
To acknowledge the server thathas helped you if they have
helped you.
this is hard because I alwaysfeel like something small can be
meaningful.
And like you said, in that onesituation, that server was
crying, because it was like somuch, sometimes I feel like if
(30:15):
you don't overtip, it can beseen negatively by, the person
like, Oh my gosh, I can'tbelieve they didn't give me
enough.
Sometimes that can befrustrating.
Well, it is.
And is it appreciated or is itnot?
Should I give nothing?
Should I give something?
Should I,
Jess (30:29):
Well, and I was telling Randy the story earlier about.
When we first moved to thisstate, it was our very first
night here, everything was shutdown and we were coming in from
an 11 hour drive with Everythingin boxes.
Yeah, every No, we didn't evenhave boxes.
Our stuff didn't even show upfor five days.
I had two folding chairs andthat was our furniture for a
(30:49):
week, So I had ordered pizza onthe way.
And I said, okay, we'll be here.
Well, we hit traffic and we werelate.
And the guy called me and said,Hey, I'm here.
Are you here?
It's an empty house.
I was like yeah, we'll be therein 15 minutes.
It's okay.
If you just want to leave itI'll draw, just it's okay.
And he was like no, I'll wait.
And so I was appreciative.
The hot mess of all of us gotout in the car with the dogs,
(31:11):
everything, We show up, we getour pizza.
And he was telling, our oldest,the story about good customer
service and our oldest goes Ithink you're talking about my
family and I guess he uses thisstory all the time because he
waited.
I always go back to thatcompany, he has been my delivery
driver for pizza and whateverelse for the last four years.
(31:31):
Yeah.
And so he was talking about whenyou do the extra service, people
will make the extra for you.
And I guess I did.
I probably threw 20 bucks downor something that so thank you.
But he didn't have to do that.
And so he went out of his wayand I always, I think I always
tip him well cause he's always,he always gets my stuff right.
Yeah.
And but that's the
Randi (31:48):
thing, he's gone above and beyond those things, and so
you feel like you want to tip,because you want to have him be
there again, and you want him toshow up, and you want him, to
get your delivery right, so it'slike You are rewarding that
behavior, which I feel likewhere the origin comes from but
we've lost that
Jess (32:07):
rewarding the behavior Yeah along
Randi (32:09):
the way that this it was this generous spirit, you know
that they showed you and youshowed back it's gotten lost in
translation I just think it wasfunny though that was the story
and he's
Jess (32:20):
like He heard it.
You're talking about my parents.
Yeah.
That's our family.
That's my mom.
And he was like, no.
He's you're famous there, Jess.
I was like okay.
All right.
Randy, let's wrap this up.
What if I can't afford to tipgenerously?
Don't stress about it.
Don't stress about it.
That was so easy.
That was so easy.
Oh my gosh.
Randy just, we're just going toremember her words all the time.
Don't stress about it.
(32:41):
Just hear me in your
Randi (32:42):
head.
Don't stress about it.
Jess (32:44):
All right.
Well, today I hope you guys havereally learned a little bit or
thought about your tippingpractices or feel validated
about your tipping practices.
Tipping, it can be so stressfuland by setting these boundaries
and educating yourself andfiguring out what you want to
do, you're going to take off thepressure and make mindful
(33:04):
choices.
Randi (33:05):
We hope this episode helped you feel more confident
about when and where to tip orat least vent about how you feel
either way.
If you're a super generoustipper or super stingy, you're
fine either way.
Exactly.
If you found this episodeuseful, be sure to subscribe,
share it with friends, leave usa review.
And Until next time, rememberthat tipping should be a
(33:26):
reflection of your choice, not aburden.
Take care of your mental healthand your wallet and don't let
society's expectations weigh youdown.
Yeah.
Stop comparing yourself guys.
Just do what you want.
All right.
Bye.
Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.
(00:02):
I'm randy.
I'm And I'm Jess.
And we are two licensedpsychotherapists, and this is a
safe space where we talk aboutmental health, well being, and
strategies for coping withlife's challenges.
And how all of this is normal,and you are not alone.
Today's topic is something we'veall encountered and for many
it's causing a lot of stress andsometimes confusion.
(00:22):
Tipping.
Jess (00:23):
That's me.
I get so confused and sostressed about it because I'm
going, why has it become sooverdone?
When and where is this expected?
And how much There's so muchpressure.
And if you're standing withfriends, you're like, I don't
want to look cheap, but at thesame time, I also don't want to
just hand over money that Idon't feel I should have to.
And it's so confusing when youhave a partner who tips
(00:47):
differently than you do.
I've heard so many stories andseen so many polls.
We even did one in our groupabout where people tip and it's
so
Randi (00:56):
crazy out there.
So we're going to get intowhat's appropriate to tip in
different situations and how tohelp friends and family and
yourself cope with tippingstress because if you've ever
felt confused or overwhelmed atthe tip, or the screen or
wondering what is right,
Jess (01:15):
you are definitely not alone.
You're not.
So find us and more informationon womensmentalhealthpodcast.
com.
Have you ever had thesethoughts?
Why has tipping become soexpected in so many industries
now?
Randi (01:29):
How does tipping contribute to workers
livelihoods?
Jess (01:33):
What is the standard tipping rate for dining out?
Should I tip if I receive badservice?
Is tipping customary in
Randi (01:40):
all countries?
How should I approach tippingfor services outside the food
industry, like hair salons orUber, yeah Lyft, all those
things.
Jess (01:51):
What about tipping for coffee or counter service?
Ooh, I'm going to tell you abouta reel I saw that is that thing
just changed my brain.
Okay.
Should I tip on takeout ordelivery orders?
Especially if you're the onetaking it out.
How can I navigate situationswhere a service charge is
already included?
Randi (02:09):
What if I can't afford to tip generously like I want to?
Jess (02:13):
Yeah, or, the other question we probably should have
done is, Do I tip differentlyduring the holidays?
What do I, wait, is there adifferent Yeah, extra
Randi (02:20):
tipping?
Is there a Oh gosh, we could,there's a whole rabbit hole into
this.
Jess (02:23):
Tip on the tip, oh that sounds disgusting,
Randi (02:25):
sorry.
Just the
Jess (02:26):
tip.
Randi (02:27):
Just the tip, please.
That's what we'll call this one.
Okay, so what exactly is tippingand why has it become so
overdone and so overwhelming?
Jess (02:39):
Tipping is the extra payment given to workers,
usually in service jobs, to showappreciation for their work.
It used to be that tipping wasexpected in certain industries
like restaurants for services orhairdressing, but recently I am
seeing it expanded to likeeverywhere.
Like I saw everything and youknow what actually started this
(03:02):
was I referred our housekeeperto a neighbor Because I was
like, okay, cool.
And the lady calls me and goes,Jessica, is it normal for them
to require a tip?
I was like, I'm sorry.
Require.
Require.
It's in the contract.
I was like, A, I don't have acontract and B, no, I have never
heard of anybody tipping ahousekeeper and I was blown away
and I was actually kind ofembarrassed because, I referred
(03:24):
this person and I'm like, okay,so I'm not going to refer them,
but I have never heard of aweekly tip for a housekeeper.
I
Randi (03:33):
didn't know about that either.
And then, and it might be too itvaries.
Like in areas or, states or Idon't know.
But I had a cleaner at the houseone day and she started talking
about how this other, clientnever tipped her.
And I also never tipped her.
So I was like, okay, she's doingthis on purpose, but I didn't
(03:53):
know that it was a thing, but Idid give them like gifts and
stuff during the holidays and anextra bonus.
Yes.
I gave a bonus during theholiday.
And then I'm like, she's liketalking about me, like where I
can hear her like on purpose.
And I was like, she's probablytalking about me cause I don't
tip my housekeeper.
And I was like, that's, is thata thing?
I didn't know that was a thing.
Cause I'm already paying likesuch a high fee for this
(04:14):
service.
And I was quoted for thisservice.
And it was already like over theaverage.
So I was Okay.
Jess (04:22):
I even had somebody on the poll we did say that they had
some mint work done and whenthey went to pay, there was a
spot for them to put a tip.
And she was like, and it was forthe owner of the company.
She was like, but I don'tunderstand if we were quoted
this, why am I putting a tip foryou who owns the company?
And I was like, oh crap, am Isupposed to be tipping my
landscaper now?
Because I don't tip mylandscaper.
(04:42):
He sends me a bill, I pay it.
Randi (04:43):
So we're seeing this everywhere.
Fast food counters.
Yes.
Yes.
Self checkouts, it feels likeevery interaction has become a
transaction.
Jess (04:53):
Yes.
And then they look at you likeyou're guilty.
Or you're rude or Yeah.
Or they look at you like, well,are you going to tip now?
And you're like am I supposedto?
And I think, honestly, I think alot of this started back with
COVID.
I think in COVID, we were tryingto show people that we are so
thankful for the work thatthey're doing, that it just all
of a sudden blew up.
Randi (05:12):
I don't know.
And I think a lot of it too hascome into maybe like our digital
payment systems, our Applewallets and the screens, they
just give it to you and it says,do you want a tip?
it just prompts you to do thesethings.
So maybe it's, since it's morevisible, I don't know.
Or.
Jess (05:28):
what about, like, when you have Target or Walmart
delivered?
For Target, if I have itdelivered, they won't let me
back into their online app Intothe app without choosing a tip.
I have to give a star and choosea tip if I want to get back.
It's super annoying.
So I just, honestly, I don'torder for them very much
anymore.
Because I'm like, either tell mein the beginning.
I
Randi (05:47):
feel guilty if I don't, and then I'm like, but they
didn't even fill half of myorder, and I feel like Still
need to, and it was like
Jess (05:53):
two weeks ago or three weeks ago, and I
Randi (05:55):
don't remember.
And it's I understand that a lotof workers rely heavily on tips
to make up for their low wages,but at what point does it become
the responsibility of us asmiddle class?
It doesn't even matter aboutclass, but why?
But instead, why is it not goingback to the corporation that
should be paying them?
Why isn't Target paying themmore?
(06:16):
Why isn't, Walmart paying themmore?
Why isn't, the fast foodrestaurant paying them more that
owns millions of dollars infranchises?
Like, why is it coming down tothe direct consumer and the
guilt that we feel over it?
Jess (06:30):
And I was actually talking to a neighbor recently, a male,
and he was like, Oh, and thenlook at you and you feel guilty.
So you end up tipping him eventhough they didn't do anything.
And he goes okay, so it's notjust us.
It's not just women who arelooking at this.
So I feel like they're notpaying them a livable wage,
especially in service jobs.
They expect.
I did hear that next year,either candidate who wins, this
(06:51):
isn't political, okay guys, buteither candidate has said
they're no longer going to taxpeople on tips.
Randi (06:57):
let's define what a living wage is.
Oh, okay.
So that's the minimum.
income or salary you need tocover your basic needs like
food, shelter, healthcare, withalso having some room for
emergencies and savings.
the goal is with a living wageto ensure that people can earn
(07:19):
enough to live a healthy life.
I'm not saying caviar, wishesand dreams, but.
Enough to cover your essentials.
And most people do not earnthat.
No.
Do
Jess (07:32):
you remember the guy who did supersize me?
He did nothing but eatMcDonald's for a month and then
he got sick.
And then he got sick.
Well, he also did another onewhere he and his partner, I
think it was his wife.
They went to say, okay, can welive on a living wage?
And they started with nothing.
They had no money, no nothing.
And they were earning minimumwage.
(07:53):
And he was like, we can't eveneat.
They're living in like barebones and she couldn't document.
And she couldn't like, she waslike, how do I buy my tampons?
She couldn't afford
Randi (08:02):
medical care and she couldn't get it.
She couldn't buy her tampons
Jess (08:05):
because
Randi (08:06):
they're so expensive.
This is honest to God.
What most households face day inand day out.
When I worked with.
Clients at the homeless shelter,most of them could not afford
tampons, sanitary pads, toiletpaper, anything.
I kept items, essential items inmy office for them to just take
(08:29):
out of a basket.
They didn't have to ask me ifthey needed them because they
could not even, I remember justcrying at my desk one afternoon
because a client told me she wasso excited.
She had found a dollar in theparking lot so she could buy
herself pads.
And I was young at the time andI had no idea about this huge,
(08:49):
this gap and I was like, Oh,like my heart was just breaking
inside and from that moment on,I always kept essentials because
I was like, nobody deserves tofeel like they have to choose
between food and their hygiene,at what point has this burden
shifted to us as women?
(09:09):
Consumers and customers.
Jess (09:12):
Exactly.
That's the story I tell about mydentist where he now supplies
tampons for all of hishygienists, they're all females.
He had no idea because theoffice manager was buying him
and he was like, Oh, am I payingfor that?
And she was like, yes.
You are you have women that workhere and we will be putting them
in the bathroom.
Obviously, if somebody startstheir period, you don't want
them to leave.
He was like, okay, cool.
(09:32):
Just keep doing what you'redoing.
I just didn't realize that waspart of the Costco run, but all
right, cool.
And I think that's great that,he does that.
But so let's look at tipping, Itreally went back.
If we go into like the roots ofwhere did this start?
It didn't start in COVID.
Okay.
That was just my gripe, but itoriginated back in Europe and it
was adopted in the U S after thecivil.
War.
So when was the Civil War?
(09:53):
Eighteen something?
Randi (09:54):
According to my kids, I was born in the 1800s.
Jess (09:57):
So you should know.
But originally it was seen as agesture of generosity.
Just being able to think beingso thankful.
Exactly.
Overwhelmed with joy.
But what happened was over timeit became embedded into certain
industries as a way to avoidpaying fair wages.
And
Randi (10:14):
this is huge in the U.
S.
A lot of other countries do nothave a tipping culture.
This is very heavily, U.
S.
based.
Jess (10:23):
I have a friend who was over in Berlin.
She was stationed in Germany wayback when, Like back when the
Berlin Wall came down.
She's got a piece of the BerlinWall.
They were allowed to go Overinto the, was it the east side?
That's really strict.
I can't remember anymore.
I'm so like history is not mything guys.
History and geography and mathand anything else.
But anyway, okay.
But what happened was she saidthey can go over there.
(10:44):
They couldn't ride the bus.
They weren't allowed to docertain things.
And they had to exchange themoney.
And so she said, as they'recoming back, cause I guess
comforters.
I don't know.
That's what she, I remember hertelling me that.
So what was happening is whenthey came back, they stopped and
nobody tipped, but they had allthis extra change.
And for them as Americans okay,whatever, they left it on the
table for this person.
(11:05):
The waiter started to crybecause what they threw down was
like a month's salary for him ora year's salary.
It was huge and they were justlike, whatever, no big deal
because nobody tips over there.
And for them, they're like, Idon't want to have to exchange
it and blah, blah, blah.
that stuck with me.
And anytime I've gone over toEurope, we don't tip.
It's the weirdest thing.
You just get the customerservice because that's what
(11:27):
their job is.
It's so different.
That's the expectation.
Exactly.
Randi (11:31):
It's very hard.
Like you said, like he was sooverwhelmed.
He needed that.
And it's like, how do you know?
If they do have a living wage,if they are okay.
So like a couple of years ago,we went on one of those all
inclusive, vacations as a familyand I saved years for us to go
on it.
But they were like, no tipping,everything's included the food,
(11:51):
the drinks you don't tip, but Ifelt like the workers were so
like dissatisfied and wereprobably not being paid a fair
wage.
And it was.
Really hard to be like I knowwe're not supposed to tip and
like they would get fired ifthey accepted a tip But I was
(12:11):
like, are they being paid Well,I wasn't getting that feeling.
So it was like very frustrating,to see that I had spent all this
money on this vacation, but itfelt like a lot of the,
employees were disgruntledbecause they weren't being
treated fairly.
Jess (12:27):
What's happening is that as our wages, we're staying the
same, they're not increasing,but our cost of living and
inflation,
Randi (12:35):
groceries, everything has gone
Jess (12:37):
up.
So now tipping is more of asocietal norm.
It's expected.
It's also more casual in reallyunexpected places.
Like I was talking about theconcrete person or the
housekeeper, it's No longer areward for service, and that's I
think my soapbox is that it'snot a reward for service.
It's an expectation becausesometimes it's a necessity.
(12:58):
For these workers to make theirends meet.
But is that my responsibility oris it the company's
responsibility?
Randi (13:05):
when you have added expectations like this, and it's
unclear whether, you should tipor not, this can create a lot of
stress and anxiety for women,because we do internalize
things.
it can create a financial burdentoo, because we can feel guilty
for not doing things that wefeel are the norm.
(13:26):
So when tipping feels mandatory,that can add up very quickly.
if you already feel like you'restruggling financially, whether
that's due to wage gaps orcaregiving costs or your
personal finances or losing ajob or being ill, Tipping can
make everyday purchases justfeel that much more overwhelming
(13:48):
and expensive.
It can.
It's, it, I got lost.
My daughter was texting.
I'm sorry.
Let's go to decision fatigue atthe end of page three.
Jess (13:59):
Okay.
Cause that's totally me.
So all this pressure that Randyis talking about, it leads to
decision fatigue.
And that's how I feel sometimesis that I just don't even want
to go there cause I don't evenknow what to do.
And it just feels like we'remaking this countless choices
every day anyway.
And so now I got to pull out myphone and figure out the math on
it.
Cause I just said, I can't domath.
(14:20):
It's just become another momentwhere we have to decide what's
right.
And that's, I think what I'mmore frustrated about is not the
money, but it's the decision.
And that's actually reallyinteresting because it is, it's
about the decision of what isright.
You're feeling mentallyexhausted.
Exactly.
And it is so draining because Ihave to figure all it, what is
(14:41):
the correct thing?
Randi (14:42):
So how do we cope with the stress that can sometimes
come with this?
tipping.
Like, how do we deal with theoverload?
How do we deal with the mentalexhaustion?
How do we deal with one morethought?
Jess (14:54):
The first thing is, I set my own personal tipping
guideline.
I saw a reel a couple of weeksago, a couple months ago, I
don't know, it was a while ago,and it said, I am no longer, and
this is what kind of made methink about it, I am no longer
tipping if I have to stand up,order it, right?
If I'm at a counter and I'm onmy feet ordering, I am no longer
(15:14):
tipping if I have to carry itout.
And I'm no longer tipping if Ihave to drive the car.
And I was like, I like that.
I know it feels like, why shouldI give a tip at Starbucks when
I'm doing a drive thru?
If somebody though, oh man, letme tell you, I do tip well if
they come in the snow.
If they deliver to my house inthe snow, I will tip very well.
(15:35):
Because I'm like, I didn't wantto go out in that.
And that to me is a service.
So anyway.
Figure out what your personaltipping guidelines are.
Decide ahead of time where andwhen you want to tip.
Just figure out in general whatyour rule is because this is
going to help you feel more incontrol.
It helps me when I'm looking atthat tipping screen to be okay
with what my personal choice is.
(15:55):
And do not compare yourself tosomebody else because we're all
different.
Randi (16:01):
So I know a lot of time on social media, I'll see well,
you shouldn't go out to eat oryou shouldn't do this or you
shouldn't do that.
If you can't afford to tip, Idon't think people should have
to choose between living, a lifeand sometimes, Taking their
family out to eat.
If that's the one, time, everysix months they're able to, if
they have the fear that theywon't be able to tip on top of
(16:23):
it, like we shouldn't shamepeople about that.
And I see a lot of peoplecomment that, and it's I feel
like tipping should just comefrom if you have the ability to
do it and if you want to, and ifyou want to, and if you have
gotten good service, then youcan.
And.
Even if there are certainexpectations, because like here
in the US, it's like on averageabout 15 to 20 percent is
(16:45):
usually what you tip in arestaurant, and maybe if you
want to give, a coffee shop,people usually throw 1 or
something in the tip jar.
But sometimes that can help easethe uncertainty, but I don't
feel like there should be shamearound it.
We have enough shame and enoughstress about
Jess (17:02):
money.
We do.
We really do.
And you know what?
I also want you, you know mypractice of practice saying no.
It is a boundary.
It is a complete sentence.
It is okay to skip the tip if itdoesn't feel appropriate or it
doesn't feel right.
Feel like you can financially doit.
You don't have to tip justbecause there is a prompt, it is
okay to hit that no button.
(17:22):
It is okay to say no thank you.
When they say, would you like toleave a tip?
No, thank you.
Give yourself permission toprioritize your own financial
wellbeing.
Your in charge.
It is your money.
Yes, you are in charge.
Randi (17:36):
And then another thing too is if this really stresses
you out, create.
A budget for it.
So give yourself an amount thatyou're going to tip throughout
the year that you arefinancially capable of and add
that into your budget.
So you have a designated amountset aside for each month so that
you aren't stressed about itwhen it comes to that.
(17:58):
And remember that this is notsomething.
That's like a personal attack onyou.
It always feels awkward.
I feel for all of us who go inthis situation.
Jess (18:09):
Cause it feels it can linger and I want you to let go
of that because it's not areflection on your character.
You do not have to meet everyexpectation that is placed on
you.
And I want you to hear thatagain.
You do not have to meet everyexpectation that's placed on
you.
We can let a lot of that crapgo.
Let's talk about what'sconsidered a fair tip in various
(18:30):
settings, Randy.
So we can do a quick guide.
You do not have to follow ourguide.
You can make your own link wejust talked about, but I want
you guys to we're just going torun through some.
Randi (18:39):
This is what we found on average and what we have pulled
from people.
So restaurants, like wementioned, on average for sit
down service is about 15 to 20%.
Okay.
Usually a small tip, maybearound like 10 percent is
appreciated if the stuff hasgone out of their way.
Now, what about something likecoffee shops and quick services?
Jess (19:00):
This one is typically more optional.
If the service is reallyfriendly or if you frequent it
often, tipping 1 to 2 can benice.
But it is not required for youto tip every time you buy a
dollar coffee to throw anotherdollar in the tip jar.
It's if you want, or if they'refriendly, or like I said, you go
every morning, and they'remaking your coffee.
Go for it.
Randi (19:18):
Well, let's be honest.
Coffee can be like reallyexpensive, too.
You're like, I just paid
Jess (19:22):
30 bucks at Costco the, er Starbucks the other day, and I
was like, what happened?
Yeah, what just happened?
Randi (19:26):
We, no! That's why I go to our local coffee shop,
because they have better prices.
And then I can tip better,because I'm not paying 10 for a
small coffee.
But anyway another thing tooride sharing, like Uber or Lyft
tipping, about 10 20 percent iscommon, depending on the length
of the ride, and the size.
service quality.
Jess (19:46):
Oh my God, I gotta tell you last time I was in an Uber,
I don't know if I can ever do itagain.
I thought I was going to die.
And I was with my friend andshe's normally, she's a scary
driver and she normally does notget scared by driving.
She was scared.
I was like, just drop me off onthe side of the goddamn freeway.
I will find out how to get home.
I have never been so terrified.
(20:06):
Like I got out of that car and Iwanted to kiss the ground.
Like she's breaking for him andshe is telling him to slow down.
And finally I was like, dude,you need to slow down.
We are in a construction zoneand this is going to stop fast.
And I was just like praying andI don't pray.
And I was just like, okay,universe, please let me make it
home.
I do not want to die on thistrip.
(20:26):
And.
It was, I haven't been one sincecause I was terrified.
Sorry.
Randi (20:30):
So let's talk about delivery services.
So like groceries, so many of usthat have so many things going
on, rely on delivery serviceslike, Walmart plus Target
Amazon.
So for these,
Jess (20:46):
what is standard?
So For food delivery, we'retalking about like food delivery
tipping around 15 to 20 percentis standard.
For a larger grocery delivery orpackages, a tip of 5 to 10 is
appreciated.
But here's the thing, I'mconfused by this statement
because if I order 200 ingroceries, now that groceries
have gone up so much, God, I'mon a rant today.
(21:07):
I'm just on a different rant.
But because groceries have goneup so much now, I'm tipping more
for less groceries and less timein the store.
And so for that, I normally willjust give a dollar amount.
I don't do a percentage.
Randi (21:19):
That's interesting.
And it's hard though, too,because I use Instacart for
Costco and they say that, Thedelivery person can, or, the
picker, I don't know can see theshopper can see the amount of
the tip and those with highertips, they even put this in the
in the app, get picked first.
So if they think your tip islower than it should be, they
(21:42):
tell you like, it might not getpicked.
Picked first or they might denyit and I'm like, oh shit.
Well, there's another addedstress, same thing like these
groceries are out of controlwith the prices.
Target's
Jess (21:52):
the same way because the lady at Target I go Oh, you
always she goes I go you alwaysdeliver my stuff.
She goes.
Yeah, you tip really well And somy stuff always got delivered
and I was like, Oh, that'sinteresting.
I didn't realize they could seea tip I left.
And so it was like, okay, if Iwant something faster, I'll
leave a bigger tip.
If I'm not like, I'm like, I canget it anytime today.
(22:13):
I may not leave the bigger tip.
It depends on how fast I wantit.
And now we're playing the game.
Randi (22:18):
And a lot of those services you can't go back and
edit the tip afterwards, butthey give you like a limited
window of time.
24 hours or something.
Cause it's like what if youtipped, like 50 on this and they
only fill one of your like 50items, or whatever it is.
So another thing too is for likepersonal services and beauty
services, like the hairdresser,the nail salon.
(22:39):
What do you feel is
Jess (22:40):
average for that?
For what we found it's 15 to 20percent is typical for these
types of services.
But now here's the thing.
I was always told that if it'sthe salon owner, you're not
supposed to tip the salon owner.
And that was one of the things Idid in my poll, right?
If it's the owner of the salon,do you tip?
And people were like kind of 50,50, right?
Like the salon owner should beable to say, this is what I want
(23:02):
to charge.
And I have another friend whoshe goes, the guy won't, my
salon, my stylist won't let metake a tip.
He won't let me leave a tip.
He says, Nope, I charge you whatI want.
Don't pay me a tip.
Yeah, and I was like, Oh, thankGod.
Can you just tell me what youwant, please?
And I'll just pay that becausethat just seems so much better.
Randi (23:17):
Can you just write it all into your flat fee and I just
pay that so I know what I'mgetting into.
I can plan for it.
I can budget it.
And that's that.
There's no and then you're notfeeling slighted either.
That maybe I wasn't aware thatyou want to be tipped a certain
amount, because I feel likethere's all this convoluted,
information where maybe peoplehave certain expectations and
(23:37):
you don't know thoseexpectations because there's no
communication about this.
And another thing too, is hotelstaff, like when you're staying
somewhere like housekeeping,like we were talking about like
a house cleaner in your home,but what if when you're
traveling,
Jess (23:51):
My mom always said that, like, when she went to Vegas,
she would always leave change.
She'd always leave whateverextra she would leave some money
on the, for the housekeepers.
Because she didn't want them tosteal her stuff or whatever.
I don't know what the answer ison that one.
But, I don't know.
I don't think I've ever tipped ahousekeeper.
I've never tipped the hotel.
I tip if they carry my bags up.
Oh, like a bell hop.
Yeah.
(24:11):
Or if they bring me food, I'vetipped for that.
We were somewhere for mydaughter's birthday and they
brought a cake, like at six inthe morning to wake her up for
her birthday.
And I tipped for that.
Plus he totally woke us up causeI forgot to set an alarm.
So I appreciated it.
And so that one was a servicewhere he brought it to me.
And so I just, I don't know.
It's so confusing.
Good.
That's it.
Randi (24:31):
Well, at the end of the day, these are just ideas.
They're just guidelines and youreally have to set, like we
talked about your personalpreference on how you want to
move forward with this and giveyourself the leeway to not feel
guilty about it.
So why has tipping become soexpected in so many industries?
Jess (24:52):
it has evolved into a cultural norm and it really is
seen as a way to supplementworkers wages.
And so they're trying to getthat living wage higher so they
can actually live but I thinkemployers are really trying to
pay less.
Randy, how does tippingcontribute to workers
livelihoods?
Randi (25:09):
Well, for many people, especially in the service
industry, it's not just extra,it's a significant part of their
earnings.
I know a lot of states havechanged it, but it used to be
like restaurant workers onlyearned like 3 an hour, because
they were seen as making tips,like that was their income,
which it's not.
Beyond crazy to me, so in a lotof scenarios, tips bridge that
(25:33):
living wage gap and reallysupplement the base pay.
that becomes A vital part oftheir financial wellbeing.
But again, like where does thisburden lie?
So should you tip if you receivebad service?
Jess (25:47):
Oh, I think it's a personal choice.
If you're going to look at theservice quality, if the service
was disappointing, it'sunderstandable.
If you want to adjust the tipaccordingly, some opt to leave a
modest tip to acknowledge theeffort.
Even if the outcome was lackingthe other thing is I want you
guys also to know was it theservice was bad or was The food
(26:09):
bad because
Randi (26:11):
yeah, there's a difference.
There's
Jess (26:12):
a difference I could have got great service and a lousy
cook or I could have got a greatcook and lousy service I want
you to look at what you'retipping and what you're tipping
for so Randy is tippingcustomary in all countries No,
Randi (26:26):
it varies widely around the world So in some countries
tipping is not customaryExpected it's frowned upon.
They take offense to beingtipped.
And then in other countries likeours, it's vital, to their
livelihood.
it's important to understandwhen you are traveling, what
(26:47):
that culture is so that youaren't stressed and you're not
having, miscommunications whileyou're traveling.
Now, just how should youapproach tipping for services
outside of the food industry?
Say you're going to get yournails
Jess (27:00):
done.
I think the rule of thumb ingeneral is 10 to 20%, depending
upon how satisfied you are withthe service.
These tips are a way to showappreciation for their time and
skill.
And if you really want to comeback to them, it's also so they
remember you.
Let's be real.
And you can get back in withthat person.
It's really up to you how youwant to do it.
(27:20):
If you always want to go to thesame nail person and you want
her to know you, that's a way todo it.
Randy, should I tip on takeoutor delivery orders?
Randi (27:29):
It's recognized as something, that is the norm.
If the effort is providedbecause of the convenience, I
always feel like you're payingfor the convenience of the
service.
And so around 10 to 15 percentis common.
I feel like though, if like yousaid, it's like snowing outside
or it's raining or there's astorm, or they've gotten it to
(27:49):
you maybe quicker than expected.
You can always.
Pay if you choose to, if youwant to go above and beyond
that.
Now, how do you navigatesituations where there's a
service charge already included?
Sometimes I've been not toldthat it was included and given
it to me, and they've also givenme a thing to tip on top of it.
(28:09):
I did that too! Yeah, and if Ihadn't of read my receipt and
just normally signed, I wouldhave seen that I was, giving a
Jess (28:17):
crazy tip.
It was that French restaurant wego to, isn't it?
Because that's what got me.
I realized after a glass of winethat I think I tipped that dude
a hundred dollars.
And I was like, well, okay,cool.
Too late.
But yeah, when there's a servicecharge added, Additional tipping
is optional, Usually the chargeis a minimum.
If you have a big party, they'lladd that in if it's 18 or 20%,
(28:37):
depending upon the party size.
This charge often goes to theservice team.
You might choose to tip extrafor the service provider or the
cook.
We've tipped for the sushi set.
I can't say that.
Sushi's
Randi (28:50):
chef.
You can't say it either.
Not today.
Well, and that's another thingyou were saying the service
team, like it goes to the serverteam.
Some places.
Everybody gets a portion of thetip from the dishwasher, the
sweeper, the cook.
It's going into a pot.
Some places, it only goes to theserver.
If you want to ask, how is mytip given, you have a right to
(29:12):
ask.
To ask that.
You have a right to communicateand to be educated about this.
If it is stressful andoverwhelming.
Jess (29:18):
Yeah, some people the waitresses or the waitress,
wait, waiter, God, I think Ican't talk today.
The waiter or waitress, theytake the tip and then they pay
what they want to their busperson And so it depends on what
they want and you don't know.
And their
Randi (29:32):
relationship.
Let's talk about, we just talkedabout workplace bullying.
That could be, something too.
What if.
Jess (29:37):
They don't want to share.
So you are allowed to ask howit's divided up.
You are allowed to say, that isnot what I wanted to pay.
I'd like to pay this instead.
This is your money and you cando what you want.
So Randy what about tipping atcoffee or counter service?
Randi (29:52):
nothing is an obligation.
There's no law that you have totip.
But it's always a kind gesture.
Okay.
To acknowledge the server thathas helped you if they have
helped you.
this is hard because I alwaysfeel like something small can be
meaningful.
And like you said, in that onesituation, that server was
crying, because it was like somuch, sometimes I feel like if
(30:15):
you don't overtip, it can beseen negatively by, the person
like, Oh my gosh, I can'tbelieve they didn't give me
enough.
Sometimes that can befrustrating.
Well, it is.
And is it appreciated or is itnot?
Should I give nothing?
Should I give something?
Should I,
Jess (30:29):
Well, and I was telling Randy the story earlier about.
When we first moved to thisstate, it was our very first
night here, everything was shutdown and we were coming in from
an 11 hour drive with Everythingin boxes.
Yeah, every No, we didn't evenhave boxes.
Our stuff didn't even show upfor five days.
I had two folding chairs andthat was our furniture for a
(30:49):
week, So I had ordered pizza onthe way.
And I said, okay, we'll be here.
Well, we hit traffic and we werelate.
And the guy called me and said,Hey, I'm here.
Are you here?
It's an empty house.
I was like yeah, we'll be therein 15 minutes.
It's okay.
If you just want to leave itI'll draw, just it's okay.
And he was like no, I'll wait.
And so I was appreciative.
The hot mess of all of us gotout in the car with the dogs,
(31:11):
everything, We show up, we getour pizza.
And he was telling, our oldest,the story about good customer
service and our oldest goes Ithink you're talking about my
family and I guess he uses thisstory all the time because he
waited.
I always go back to thatcompany, he has been my delivery
driver for pizza and whateverelse for the last four years.
(31:31):
Yeah.
And so he was talking about whenyou do the extra service, people
will make the extra for you.
And I guess I did.
I probably threw 20 bucks downor something that so thank you.
But he didn't have to do that.
And so he went out of his wayand I always, I think I always
tip him well cause he's always,he always gets my stuff right.
Yeah.
And but that's the
Randi (31:48):
thing, he's gone above and beyond those things, and so
you feel like you want to tip,because you want to have him be
there again, and you want him toshow up, and you want him, to
get your delivery right, so it'slike You are rewarding that
behavior, which I feel likewhere the origin comes from but
we've lost that
Jess (32:07):
rewarding the behavior Yeah along
Randi (32:09):
the way that this it was this generous spirit, you know
that they showed you and youshowed back it's gotten lost in
translation I just think it wasfunny though that was the story
and he's
Jess (32:20):
like He heard it.
You're talking about my parents.
Yeah.
That's our family.
That's my mom.
And he was like, no.
He's you're famous there, Jess.
I was like okay.
All right.
Randy, let's wrap this up.
What if I can't afford to tipgenerously?
Don't stress about it.
Don't stress about it.
That was so easy.
That was so easy.
Oh my gosh.
Randy just, we're just going toremember her words all the time.
Don't stress about it.
(32:41):
Just hear me in your
Randi (32:42):
head.
Don't stress about it.
Jess (32:44):
All right.
Well, today I hope you guys havereally learned a little bit or
thought about your tippingpractices or feel validated
about your tipping practices.
Tipping, it can be so stressfuland by setting these boundaries
and educating yourself andfiguring out what you want to
do, you're going to take off thepressure and make mindful
(33:04):
choices.
Randi (33:05):
We hope this episode helped you feel more confident
about when and where to tip orat least vent about how you feel
either way.
If you're a super generoustipper or super stingy, you're
fine either way.
Exactly.
If you found this episodeuseful, be sure to subscribe,
share it with friends, leave usa review.
And Until next time, rememberthat tipping should be a
(33:26):
reflection of your choice, not aburden.
Take care of your mental healthand your wallet and don't let
society's expectations weigh youdown.
Yeah.
Stop comparing yourself guys.
Just do what you want.
All right.
Bye.
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