18: How To Overcome People Pleasing

Episode Overview:

In this episode I am talking people pleasing, which is a behavior pattern in which you constantly seek to please others, at the expense of your own needs and desires. In this episode I break down what this can look like, how it can negatively impact you and your relationships, and I provide you with some specific information to help you move from being a "people pleaser" to becoming a "recovering people pleaser".

What I Cover:

• Review of common people pleasing behaviors / characteristics so you can identify which ones may apply to you.

• Information about why people pleasing is not positive for relationships and how it can be harmful to both you and the other person.

• 6 action steps to help you move away from people pleasing behaviors.

Let's Take Some Action:

• #1: Buy yourself time before saying yes. Instead of saying “yes” automatically, pause and say something like, “I would love to help but let me check on a few things first and I will get back to you by _____ (and give a reasonable time frame). 

• #2: Say no without feeling like you need to give a big explanation. Try saying something like, “I am not able to help out with that, but I hope it all goes well”.

• #3: Try expressing your opinion about something you normally would not.

• #4: Share your emotions with someone instead of pretending you are fine. 

• #5: Every day, write down 1 positive thing about yourself, or write down 1 positive thing you did. Start to build your inner self-confidence, rather than needing to rely on others to do this for you. 

• #6: Take inventory of your relationships. Go to the end of the episode where I walk you through a process for doing this.

Useful Resources:

Do you worry too much, overthink, assume the worst-case scenarios, spend a lot of time focusing on negative things that have happened, or discredit positive things happening? If so, you are dealing with the human brain we have all been given and you are not alone.

The good news is, you can change this and it may not take as long as you may think! If you want a free resource that will help you examine your thinking patterns, and change those that are not serving you, grab my 5 Common Thought Distortions Guide HERE.

Let’s stay in touch:

Website: www.KarenVincentSolutions.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/karenvincentsolutions/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/KarenVincentSolutions

Twitter: https://twitter.com/KarenVCoach

Episode Transcript

Karen (00:02):
Welcome to the Women's Success Coach Podcast.
A podcast created to inspiregrowth and to help you learn,
achieve, and evolve in your lifeongoing regardless of your age.
I'm your host, certified coach,and licensed therapist Karen
Vincent, and I'm here to guideyou and provide you with
concrete tips and strategies youcan implement in your life.
I'm also here to inspire you,challenge you, and cheer you on

(00:26):
so that you can create the lifeof your dreams and beyond.
In today's Shorty podcastepisode, I'm talking about
people pleasing, which is abehavior pattern in which you
constantly seek to please othersat the expense of your own needs

(00:46):
and desires.
In this episode, I break downwhat this can look like, how it
can negatively impact you andyour relationships, and I
provide you with some specificinformation to help you move
from being a people pleaser, tobecoming a recovering people
pleaser.

(01:06):
Let's get to it.
Well, hello my friend.
I hope you are well.
Since this is a Shorty episode,I'm going to jump right into
today's topic all about peoplepleasing.
People pleasing, which issometimes known as"approval
seeking behavior" or"peoplepleasing syndrome", describes

(01:28):
the tendency to prioritize thedesires, opinions, and needs of
others over your own in order togain approval, acceptance, or to
avoid conflict.
People pleasers can go to greatlengths to accommodate others,
while neglecting their ownwellbeing.

(01:50):
While not all people pleaserslook alike, there are some
common characteristics orbehaviors, and I'm going to run
through some of them, and as Ido this, I want you to consider
how many might apply to you.
First.
we'll start with overcommittingyourself.
People pleasers have a hard timesaying"no" for fear of

(02:13):
disappointing others, orappearing selfish.
Do you find that sometimes youtake on more than you can
handle, which results in youfeeling overwhelmed or not
getting to the things that areimportant to you, because you
have put the needs of othersbefore your own?
Another characteristic is difficulty expressing personal

(02:36):
opinions or emotions.
Do you have difficulty assertingyour own opinions, emotions, or
preferences for fear of creatingconflict with others?
Next, do you rely heavily onexternal validation?
Do you feel like you needvalidation or approval from
others to make you feel worthy,secure, or to boost your

(02:59):
confidence?
Do you find that you questionyourself, or doubt yourself
until someone else reassuresyou?
Next, do you neglect yourpersonal boundaries or fail to
establish clear personalboundaries?
People pleasers often compromisetheir personal boundaries, which

(03:20):
can result in others takingadvantage of them.
This ties to having a hard timesaying"no" and expressing
opinions, preferences, andemotions.
Next, are you fearful of beingrejected?
Do you put the needs of othersabove your own because you are
afraid you will lose someone ifyou do not do this?

(03:42):
Do you go to extremes tomaintain relationships even if
it negatively impacts youroverall wellbeing or causes you
to experience negative emotions?
If you answered yes to any orall of these characteristics or
behaviors, there's nothinginherently wrong with you.
People pleasing usually startsfrom a place of genuine kindness

(04:04):
and wanting to help others,which is a very positive thing,
right?
The issue becomes when you aremore and more often placing the
needs of others before your ownneeds, which can lead to
feelings of burnout, resentment,and even a loss of your own
personal identity.

(04:25):
People pleasing can alsoultimately damage your
relationship with others, and ifwe're being honest with
yourself.
In terms of relationships withothers, if you are saying yes to
things you don't want to besaying yes to, you're
essentially lying to the otherperson.
And in terms of yourself, whenyou act out of alignment with

(04:46):
your values, neglect self-care,and do things you really don't
want to be doing ongoing, youcan lose respect for yourself.
Now, even if you have been apeople pleaser for a long time,
you don't have to continue withthese behaviors ongoing.
I've witnessed many clientsbecoming,"recovering people

(05:08):
pleasers", and it's possible foryou as well.
As I do in all my episodes, Iwant you to take some action, so
I'm going to offer you severalstrategies you can try, and I
encourage you to try one at atime, assess how it feels, and
implement more once you feelconfident with the first one

(05:28):
implemented.
All of these action items are inthe show notes, so you can
always go back and review themand read through them again
there.

#1 (05:37):
Buy yourself time before saying yes.
So instead of saying yesautomatically pause and say
something like,"I would love tohelp, but let me check on a few
things first and I'll get backto you by and then give a
timeframe for which you'll getback to the other person.

(05:59):
This will give you time toevaluate if you really want to
do something or if you're justpeople pleasing so that you can
say no if in fact you are peoplepleasing.

#2 (06:11):
Say no without feeling like you need to give a big
explanation.
This one will be hard, andstarting off with number one may
be more comfortable.
However, you should have a goalof being able to say something
like,"I'm not able to help outwith that, but I hope it all
goes well", or something likethat.

(06:33):
It's so interesting that we feelthe need to overexplain
ourselves, instead of giving theanswer and leaving it at that.
Remember, when you say no to onething, you are saying yes to
something else.

#3 (06:48):
Try expressing your opinion about something you normally
would not.
If you always go out to eat at aplace you don't really like,
offer a different suggestionthat's more appealing to you.
If you don't agree with thedirection of a work project,
share your thoughts in acollaborative manner, instead of
not speaking up at all.

(07:10):
See this as offering valuerather than fearing that this
will result in a conflict.
I recently had a client whostarted sharing more of her
opinions at work, and it hasbeen so well received, which has
done wonders for her confidenceand self-esteem.

#4 (07:28):
Share your emotions with someone instead of pretending
you're fine.
For example, tell your partnerthat you're feeling overwhelmed
and need them to pitch in a bitmore this week so that you have
a little more time to tend toyour own wellbeing.

5 (07:45):
Every day, write down one positive thing about yourself or
one positive thing you did thatday.
Start to build your innerself-confidence rather than
needing to rely on others to dothis for you.
Keep these daily check-ins as anongoing list, and after a month

(08:05):
you'll have 30 things yourecognized yourself for.
This activity can be reallypowerful.

#6 (08:13):
Take inventory of your relationships.
Take a piece of paper and makethree columns.
In the first column, make a listof the people in your life.
These could be people in yourpersonal life, or your
professional life, or both.
Then in the second column, Iwant you to write down how each

(08:37):
person adds value to your life.
And then finally, in the thirdcolumn, I want you to write down
how each person takes away valuefrom your life.
If you find that you have peoplewith items in the third column,
how can you mitigate them?
If you find that the majority ofpeople in your life have more in

(08:58):
column three than in column two,consider getting support to help
you reestablish boundaries,increase confidence, and create
healthier relationships withothers, and also with yourself.
If you know someone who maystruggle with people pleasing,
share this episode with them.
I want to support as many peopleas I can, and you subscribing

(09:21):
and sharing this episode helpsme do so.
So I really do appreciate it.

Karen (09:29):
That's a wrap.
You should be proud of yourselffor investing time in you, which
is so critical for success andfor overall life fulfillment.
I look forward to having youjoin me for my next episode.
And in the meantime, go clickthat subscribe button so you'll
know when it's released, and youcan also follow me on Instagram
at Best Boss Lady Life that's atBest Boss Lady Life on

(09:52):
Instagram.
Also, remember that whatever itis that you're working on,
you've got this and I'm herecheering you on.