28: Feel the Feels

Episode Overview:

Did you know that one of the biggest drivers of behavior, if not THE biggest driver of behavior is feelings? We want to move away from negative feelings because they are uncomfortable (aka harmful), and we want to move towards positive feelings because they make us feel good, however, the reality is that uncomfortable feelings are part of life, so learning to manage them instead of avoid them is very empowering.

What I Cover:

• What feelings actually are.
• Why you should lean into feelings, instead of avoid them.
• Review of a process that allows you to be curious about your feelings and feel more in control of them.
• Specific examples outlining how to go through this process.

Let's Take Some Action:

The next time you notice yourself trying to avoid experiencing a negative feeling or emotion, ask yourself the following question:

• What am I experiencing in my body right now?
• Where exactly are these vibrations in my body?
• What words can I use to describe what I am experiencing if I were to describe it to someone else?
• What one word can I use to describe the feeling?

Once you are clear about this, ask  yourself, “What am I thinking that is causing me to have this feeling?

Finally, ask yourself, “How else can I think about this that would result in me experiencing better feelings?”

Useful Resources:

Do you worry too much, overthink, assume the worst-case scenarios, spend a lot of time focusing on negative things that have happened, or discredit positive things happening? If so, you are dealing with the human brain we have all been given and you are not alone.

The good news is, you can change this and it may not take as long as you may think! If you want a free resource that will help you examine your thinking patterns, and change those that are not serving you, grab my 5 Common Thought Distortions Guide HERE.

Let’s stay in touch:

Website: www.KarenVincentSolutions.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/karenvincentsolutions/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/KarenVincentSolutions

Twitter: https://twitter.com/KarenVCoach

Episode Transcript

Karen (00:05):
Welcome to the Women's Success Coach Podcast.
A podcast created to inspiregrowth and to help you learn,
achieve, and evolve in your lifeongoing, regardless of your age.
I'm your host, Certified Coachand Licensed Therapist, Karen
Vincent, and I'm here to guideyou, challenge you, and cheer

(00:26):
you on so that you can createthe life of your dreams and
beyond.
First off, let me just say thatI'm so glad you're tuning into
the Women's Success Coachpodcast.
It really means a lot to me.
In today's Shorty episode, I'mtalking about feelings.

(00:48):
Did you know that one of thebiggest drivers of behavior, if
not the biggest driver ofbehavior is feelings.
Think about it, if you're indanger of physical harm,
eliminating the risk of harmbecomes your number one
priority, right?
However, most of us are not atrisk of physical harm often or

(01:11):
even ever, so, if this is thecase, then what is it that we
want to eliminate or avoid?
For most of us, we want to moveaway from negative feelings
because they're uncomfortable,also known as harmful, and we
want to move towards positivefeelings.
Makes total sense, doesn't it?

(01:33):
Given the choice, why wouldanyone want to sit with
uncomfortable feelings?
The reality is, however, thatuncomfortable feelings are part
of life.
And when we can learn totolerate them instead of resist
them, they lose their power andthey lose power because when you
lean into them, instead oftrying to run away from them,

(01:57):
and you actually experiencethem, you realize that you can
also survive them.
Once you allow yourself toexperience them, then you can
change them.
And the reason you can changethem is because your feelings
are caused by your thoughts.
Now stick with me on this one.
I won't steer you wrong.

(02:18):
Even though this is a shortepisode, I'm going to break this
all down for you.
And as always, I'm going to giveyou an action plan you can use
to put all this information intopractice in your daily life.
So let's dive into feelings, myfriend.
Hey there.

(02:39):
I hope you're well and feelinggood.
But if you're not feeling good,know that uncomfortable and
challenging feelings are part oflife for all of us, and that
sometimes it's okay to not beokay.
As you heard in theintroduction, this episode is
about learning to feel yourfeelings, and then deciding if

(02:59):
you want to change them bychanging your thoughts.
The reality is that we allexperience feelings differently
because feelings are vibrationsin our bodies.
If you think of some of the morechallenging feelings like
embarrassment, grief, jealousy,shame, guilt, fear, anxiety,

(03:22):
loneliness, sadness, and anger,you experience them in your
body.
Maybe you feel them in yourchest, your stomach, your
throat.
Or maybe you feel them in yourmuscles.
Or maybe you feel them in acombination of some or even all
of these places.

(03:44):
And if you're like so manypeople, you may do what you can
to try to avoid them, whichmakes perfect sense, right?
Why would you choose toexperience this kind of
discomfort if you can avoid it?
But what I'm going to suggest toyou today is that instead of
working to avoid the discomfort,choose to lean into it and

(04:06):
experience it.
Now, I'm not saying that youshould experience it and hang
out in that experience for along time, but what I am saying
is that when you allow yourselfto experience discomfort, get
curious about it, and label it,you become stronger, and the
emotions you are feeling, becomeweaker.

(04:29):
When you allow yourself toexperience challenging emotions,
it doesn't mean that you act outor react to them.
Instead, it means that you askyourself, how does this feel in
my body?
Where am I feeling this emotionexactly?
What words would I use todescribe this feeling to someone

(04:50):
else?
What label will I give thisemotion Instead of rushing to
try to change a feeling becauseit's uncomfortable, get curious
about it.
Doing this will pull in more ofthe logical side of your brain
because you're asking yourselfquestions that require logical
answers.

(05:10):
And as a result, you'll feelmore in control of the physical
sensations you're experiencingin your body.
This is a very differentexperience than avoiding or
resisting emotions, which canactually give them more power
and cause you to feel more outof control.
I've worked with clients whoexperience anxiety about

(05:31):
speaking up in meetings, and thelonger they avoid doing so, the
more powerful their fearbecomes.
I also work with a lot ofclients with social anxiety who
really work hard to avoidcertain social situations
because they anticipate they'llsay something embarrassing or
that everyone will know thatthey're anxious.

(05:53):
And every time they avoid asituation, they reinforce their
faulty belief that it's tooscary and that they should avoid
it at all costs, which actuallydials up the anxiety.
Many of my clients alsoexperienced this related to
grief, which can be a verychallenging feeling or emotion

(06:15):
to experience.
Following a significant loss,they want to avoid things that
may trigger memories of theindividual they lost because
they're afraid of feeling thesadness or loneliness that comes
with grief.
And in doing this, instead ofworking through their grief,
they resist it and give it morepower, causing them to fear it

(06:38):
even more.
When you allow yourself to feelall the feels, you own them
instead of them owning you.
You can describe them andexperience them as sensations in
your body, and then the nexttime you experience them, you'll
already know that you'll beokay, instead of fearing that

(06:59):
you won't be able to handlethem.
Remember, you have alreadysurvived many challenging
emotions up until this point.
Now as I mentioned, I don't wantyou to sit in that discomfort
ongoing,I want you to allowyourself to experience it, label
it, describe it, and thenexamine what you're thinking

(07:20):
that's causing the feeling.
Other people or situationshappening around you don't cause
you to experience negativeemotions.
It's always what you're thinkingabout other people, or what's
happening around you, thatcreates your emotions.
And this is one of the mostempowering things to understand,
because if after examination,you decide you want to change

(07:45):
how you're feeling, it's 100percent on you to change it.
You don't need to try to getother people to change.
You don't need to try to changea situation or other
circumstances.
You only need to change whatyou're thinking, which gives you
all the power over your emotionsand feelings.
Let me give you an example.

(08:05):
Let's go back to the example ofgrief and let's say you lost
someone you really love and nextweek is their birthday.
And not only is it theirbirthday, it's also the first
birthday since they passed away.
And because of this, you havebeen experiencing dread and
sadness thinking about howyou're going to manage their

(08:26):
birthday without them here.
Now instead of trying todistract yourself from focusing
on the fact that it's theirbirthday or trying to resist
your feelings, you can choose tolean into them.
And to do this, you identifywhat you're experiencing in your
body, where you're experiencingthe vibrations in your body,

(08:47):
what words you would use todescribe what you're
experiencing, and what word youwould use to describe the
feeling overall.
This creates a very differentexperience than trying to resist
and avoid the feeling orfeelings.
Then, once you go through thisprocess of leaning in and being
curious, you can ask yourselfwhat you were thinking that's

(09:11):
causing you to feel thesensations that you're feeling.
Maybe you're thinking that youdon't know how you'll get
through the day.
Maybe you're thinking that youdon't know if you can handle
feeling sadness over and over.
Maybe you're thinking about allthe ways your life is not as
good since this person has beengone.
Those are all valid thoughts,and common thoughts for anyone

(09:35):
dealing with the loss of a lovedone.
Once you've identified whatyou're thinking, you can decide
if there's a different way youcan think about your loved one's
upcoming birthday.
Maybe you decide that you'regoing to use it as an
opportunity to reconnect withthem in your own special way.
So instead of fearing anddreading the day, you have a

(09:55):
thought like, I'm lookingforward to having this special
day to reconnect with" then fillin the blank, fill in the name
of the person And as a result ofthat thought, instead of hoping
that the day never comes andfeeling negative emotions, maybe
you decide that you'll go totheir favorite restaurant or
cook their favorite meal ordessert as a way of celebrating

(10:17):
them.
Maybe you decide you'll plant ashrub or a tree so that you can
watch it grow year after yearand know that they're always
there in some way.
Maybe you decide you'll gothrough photos and feel grateful
for the memories you have andyou get to keep forever and
ever.
The options are endless, butthey come about because of what

(10:38):
you choose to think about theupcoming birthday after allowing
yourself to experience thefeeling.
When you try to resist andignore emotions, you rob
yourself of the full opportunityto understand them, which
prohibits you from feeling likeyou can control them.
I hope this information makessense to you, and as I do in all

(11:00):
my episodes, I want you to putthis information into practice
in your own life.
So let's take some action.
The next time you noticeyourself trying to avoid
experiencing a negative feelingor emotion, ask yourself the
following questions.
First, what am I experiencing inmy body right now?

(11:21):
Next, what words can I use todescribe what I'm experiencing
if I were to describe it tosomebody else?
And finally, what one word can Iuse to describe the feeling?
Once you're clear about this,ask yourself...
What am I thinking?
That's causing me to have thisfeeling?

(11:43):
And then finally ask yourself,how else can I think about this
that would result in meexperiencing better feelings?
There you have it.
This process is written down inthe show notes, so you can go
there and reference it anytimeyou need it.
The reality for all of us, isthat we will experience

(12:03):
challenging emotions throughoutour lives.
So the next time you do, Iencourage you to feel the feels
and go through this process sothat you can feel more in
control of your feelings andyour ability to change them.
That's a wrap.
You should be proud of yourselffor investing time in you, which

(12:25):
is so critical for success andfor overall life fulfillment.
I look forward to having youjoin me for my next episode.
And in the meantime, go clickthat subscribe button so you
know when it's released.
And you can also follow me onInstagram@KarenVincentSolutions,
That's@KarenVincentSolutions onInstagram.

(12:50):
Also remember that whatever itis that you're working on,
you've got this.
And I'm here cheering you on.