March 20, 2024 • 19 mins
Mothers often respond with "good" when asked how they are, but deep down, many are exhausted. This exhaustion is often due to the mental load they carry. Yet, comprehending this mental load could be an initial step towards managing it better.
My thoughts on how to improve gender equality? It starts in the home.
The more we can rebalance the caring and mental load in the home, it will have a flow on effect to organisations because fathers will need to share more of the caring responsibilities and understanding of female colleagues, especially those that are mothers.
In this episode, I share with you a five-step framework to assist you in rebalancing the mental load with your partner. A resource filled with actionable steps and strategies is available (link below) to begin your journey towards rebalancing the mental load.
I share with you tips for managing the mental load in a relationship, establishing a path towards a harmonious coexistence. It might seem challenging initially, but as the mental load gets rebalanced, it becomes smoother. A little patience can pave the way for an easier, more balanced lifestyle.
SHOW LINKS:
- Free resource as referenced in the podcast "How to share the mental load with your partner" workingmumma.com.au/mental-load
- Join the Working Mumma Village: workingmumma.com.au/working-mumma-village.
- Let's connect on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/working-mumma
- Let's connect on Instagram @workingmummacommunity
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to The Working Mama Podcast, a show that provides real-world tips,
tricks and advice to all working mamas on how they can have a career,
family and hopefully one day break the glass ceiling.
Hey, hey, mama, welcome back to another episode of The Working Mama Podcast.
How is your day going or actually how's your week going?
(00:22):
I can't believe that it is almost the end of March much when I'm recording and
this is going live to you.
It's just this year is absolutely flying.
My son's about to finish first term for 2024 of prep and geez,
it has certainly been a roller coaster.
But that also relates a little bit into what I want to chat to you today because,
(00:44):
you know, starting school there has been, I have to say, a next level in terms of logistics.
I I thought starting childcare was a journey. Oh my goodness,
school is a whole new world.
And one element of that is about the mental load.
And often when you ask a mum, and I get you to reflect as well on this as you're
(01:09):
hearing this, when I ask you, how are you going?
You'd probably just say, yeah, good.
And that's just the natural default position that we have. have.
But if then I asked you, how are you really going? You're probably going to
say that you're exhausted, that you've got so much going on, life's busy,
kids are busy, and it just seems, you know, work's busy, everything just seems
(01:32):
to be busy, and there's a lot of noise and things like that.
And every single mum can relate to this.
Why? You know what? The mental load is absolutely exhausting.
From the moment we wake up to the moment we put our head on the pillow as we're
going to sleep, and then even as we're asleep, we're then thinking about everything that we need to do.
(01:56):
There's all these things running through our head. Yes, there's work stuff,
but there's also periphery like, you know, childcare, booking, holidays.
Oh my goodness. There's so many things I know that are going going through my
mind at the moment. It's just crazy.
But what is, and we often hear this term mental load and things like that.
So I thought I'd also clarify this.
(02:17):
But what I want to chat to you today about is that you can manage it.
And a big part as well, I believe, is that the mental load, sorry,
gender equality actually starts with the mental load.
And by sharing things more at at home, I've got this belief,
rightly or wrongly, that it then can have a ripple effect into organizations.
(02:39):
So what I want to go through today is a bit of a five-step framework to support
you in rebalancing the mental load with your partner.
I've also just released a new resource that walks this through with you that
includes tips, strategies, and actions and things like that that you can implement today.
So don't stress about writing things down and wondering, oh my goodness,
(03:00):
the link will be in the show notes. So just go there, download it,
and then you'll be able to start taking action today.
So that's a little bit about what we're going to talk about today.
But just to go back to the start a bit, what is the mental load?
And we always hear this term thrown around and we all kind of know about it,
but just so we're all on the same page, we can then just move forward.
(03:21):
I'll give you a really quick definition. Okay.
The mental load for mothers refers to the invisible,
yes, what's going on in our minds and our thoughts, and often overwhelming,
definitely is overwhelming, responsibility of managing and organizing various aspects of family life.
It includes tasks such as planning meals, organizing schedules,
(03:42):
remembering appointments, coordinating childcare, anticipating the family needs,
wondering doctor's appointments and people's birthdays and things like that.
And this mental burden can be absolutely exhausting,
as we all know, and can really impact a mother's well-being as she strives and
you strive for balancing these responsibilities with other aspects of your life,
(04:04):
such as work and personal time.
So it's interesting, you know, that's the definition that I got.
But also, you may or may not have seen recently that Lily Allen has been quoted
on a podcast as saying that her children ruined her career.
I would have thought, you know, this is interesting for Lily Allen.
(04:26):
The commentary around has certainly been interesting.
And I was shocked when I first saw it because I would have thought that with
some of her background and probably financial wealth as well,
that she would have had access to all all the support and nannies in the world that she could have.
But it also makes me reflect as well on the support structures and pressures
(04:46):
that we put on ourselves.
So maybe she didn't want to do the grueling traveling of going around the world
because she didn't want to leave her kids, which is completely understandable. So...
It just goes to show, no matter if we're a mum, just like myself,
just a mum, two kids, you know, average person, she's there famous around the
(05:08):
world, then questioning her career and motherhood.
I have to say that element of mum guilt and probably the mental load happens
regardless, you know, it just shows, it probably normalises that it's something
that every single one of us experiences.
Experiences and you know what career or no
career everyone has different reasons about why
(05:29):
we choose to work sometimes it's financial sometimes it's for their own personal
being there's a i'm not going to go through all the reasons because there's
a multitude of them because everyone and you have your own journey but for those
women that do want to work the stats certainly don't lie,
And this is recent release with the International Women's Day that was held
(05:52):
just a couple of weeks ago.
In Australia, women do over nine hours a week more unpaid work and care than men.
So that's actually more than the average eight-hour days, eight hours in a workday.
Well, we're doing an extra day's work of unpaid work and care than men.
Sadly, only 9% of CEOs in the ASX are women, although I'm actually not surprised
(06:17):
because Because maybe particularly, you know, a lot of women,
you know, with 84% of women are actually going to become mothers.
Maybe they don't actually want the stress and things like that that go with it.
And Australia is ranked 26th globally for gender equality compared to 43 last year.
So we have gone up a little bit, but still there's lots of ways to improve.
(06:38):
And 21% of employers are offering paid parental leave equally to women and men.
And this figure is certainly increasing. And it's great to see this because,
as I said earlier, you know, with International Women's Day and with the Workplace
Gender Equality Agency in Australia, they released a whole lot of stats around gender equality.
(06:58):
There was a lot of conversation around the pay gaps and things like that.
And it's certainly really important. But as I said earlier, I reckon one of
the best ways to improve gender equality is actually by sharing the load and
gender equality actually starts in the home.
So the more that we can rebalance the caring, the load in the house,
(07:21):
it'll then have a flow on effect into organizations. organisations.
So if you've got, say, you know, one partner that generally may not do much,
I am sure that they'll probably take a similar view in the workplace or, you know, have that.
But then rightly so, the partner is then having to take on a load.
So then their career is probably also then suffering.
But the more that you can balance it, you know, with flexible work and that,
(07:44):
and I know not all workplaces and jobs can do this. So yes, I will caveat around that. Yeah.
You know, it's one of those things that sometimes those conversations as well.
So for example, like my husband and I, my husband does all the laundry.
He actually doesn't like how I do the laundry.
So that's why he does it all. And then generally, probably on average,
(08:05):
about 50-50 about who then puts away the washing, but he hangs it all out in the line and does it.
I don't even know when the sheets and the towels and things like that are all due. He does it all.
But conversely, I do the meal planning and then the weekly grocery shop.
So that's the way we've split that up. And then we'll split the cooking on whoever's
at home or generally working from home that day.
(08:26):
We'll then do the cooking. The other one does then the pickups and things like that of kids.
So yes, there is a bit of logistics that go in, but that's what works for my
family. It's going to be completely different, but what works for you.
So what I'd like to do now is walk you through a five-step framework to help
you rebalance the mental load with your partner.
(08:46):
As I said at the start, I've released a new resource that walks this through
with you with new tips and strategies and things like that.
So don't feel that you need to start madly writing all this down.
I've got it in a really, really succinct framework for you.
And it's a document that you can easily just print out, write on and go through it.
So what the first step is, number one is about assess.
(09:10):
This here is going through doing a bit of an assessment and what I've done in
the resource that I've got.
I've got a lot of the tasks that you can then go through with your partner and
be like, right, I do this. So for example, meal planning and preparation.
You know, breakfast, is it you, your partner or both of you?
So what you can do is actually go through all of the different tasks that I've
(09:31):
already set out and you can even add your own in and just assess,
you know, have a bit of a fact based discussion.
Who's doing what? Are you doing more one thing or are you just like,
right, there's 50 things there and I'm doing all 50.
Then it's also then a really good way to then start a conversation of,
look, geez, I'm doing a lot of these.
Can we swap maybe something out and things like that? But doing the assessment is really important.
(09:54):
That's why then when we go on to step number two is about communicating.
It's about then having a fact-based discussion because then sometimes this can
actually get quite emotional if you're not also in the right frame of mind.
So when you're going to communicate and sit down and have these kind of discussions,
generally best not to have them around the kids, particularly if you wanted
(10:15):
to really go deep or haven't quite an open conversation, as I said, doesn't always go well.
And sometimes there can be some emotions, but just by communicating openly,
honestly, finding the right moment or just agree on like, right, Friday night.
After the kids have gone to bed, end of the week, can we just have a quick chat
and just review and just have a discussion on how this is going to work for us?
(10:37):
But as I said, caveat, make sure you're both in a good frame of mind.
If your partner's come home after a really stressful day, feeling like the world's
caving in anyway, and then you lump them with, sorry, can we have a chat about
you picking up more around the house?
Probably is not going to go down well. So just pick your moments. moments.
(10:57):
And even if you've been approached to have a conversation, just say maybe,
look, sorry, I'm not in the right frame of mind tonight.
Can we do it maybe tomorrow night or something like that? Or let's try and have
a date night and chat about it. Just work out something that works for you.
For then the third part is then divide and conquer.
And here it's about trying to then for all the tasks that you do,
(11:20):
you know, within your family to help your family and your household function,
looking at how you can divide that up.
So reviewing your assessment and then looking at then having from the conversation
and looking at the dividing of going, okay, right, maybe I take on the childcare,
you know, access and things like that.
And I'm going to be the point person on all the communication with childcare.
(11:42):
The other one could be, I'm going to do all the meal planning and things like
that. So just having a look at different elements.
I know that I'm I'm trying personally, trying to hold a little bit stronger on birthdays.
I've sort of been able to go in in the past and just jump in.
Yep, I'll buy all the presents and it's easy.
Particularly, you know, for one side of the family, I'm like,
no, you're trying to get my husband to also do more in that regard.
(12:06):
But, you know, sometimes it is, it can be, you've got to work on yourself first.
But yeah, that's why, you know, by divide and conquer, it could be as well discussions
around when you're doing pickups and drop-offs and what works for this person.
But also then that flexibility and just conversation needs to be had not only
in the home, but also with employers.
So have a look there about how you can then divide and conquer. cup.
(12:29):
The next step as well is looking at the tools and probably the support that you may need.
I have to say that my number one hot tip is if you can afford it, get a cleaner.
Fortnightly clean, if and if it's just the bathrooms, kitchen wipe down and the floors,
I have to say will save your, probably save your marriage and also your mental
(12:52):
sanity because they They can come in, they're clean and we all just get busy
and kids are messy and there's always just there.
But if you know that, right, that person is going to come every two weeks,
there's at least going to be five seconds when it's going to be clean,
then it's going to help you so, so much.
And then what are some other tools? I know for me personally,
(13:15):
shared calendar and shared email, amazing.
So there's actually something coming up in a couple of weeks time.
Time my husband said to me, but it's not in the calendar because he knew that
it was potentially happening. I said, okay, fine.
It's in the calendar and things like that was my bad not to put it in.
But we live and breathe by that calendar. It comes up with alerts.
We know what's happening.
So that's like our joint thing of rather than sending, I've heard so many times
(13:37):
that people sending their, you know, husband or partner a meeting request and,
but you're then responsible for it.
So if you're both responsible for putting in activities into your calendar, it's going to save you.
Similar as well, my other third hot tip around tools is say a shared email account.
This is really good for all say kids correspondence or other correspondence
(13:58):
that really is relevant for both of you could be bills and things like that.
So that way you can then both see it. I personally use a Gmail account.
We've set it up so it's linked with our Gmail, I'm sorry, email as well as our calendar.
So then those two then sync in and it just works so, so well.
But there's so many different tools out there that you can use
(14:18):
and I've also got some others listed in
the resource that I was referring to and the next one final step in the in the
framework is then to review because these things can change day to day week
to week and that's where just reviewing and assessing okay might be just one
element okay this week we've got xyz happening happening,
(14:41):
okay, you need to do this or we're going to do this and this, things like that.
So the other week I was traveling, so I'd made sure, you know,
I had meeting, I'm sorry, calendar alerts, ready to go, free dress day, school photos.
It seemed like everything happened in one week when I wasn't there.
But then it was also about the communication aspect. Okay, this is what's happening here.
(15:01):
He's already booked into afterschool care and things like that.
So this is what's happening with food or what are you going to do?
This is what's going to be a bit of a a red flag and things like that.
So continuously reviewing this, and I know people that will review like say
Sunday night, okay, what's happening for the week, even just checking in.
Sometimes if I know that my husband or I'm like, right, it's going to be a crazy
week. This is what's going to be happening. We can just both be then mentally
(15:24):
prepared for what's coming.
But then even just having that weekly check-in. So you can weekly,
you know, on a weekly review,
you know, assess what's going on, what maybe even just like one or a couple
of different topics, maybe even down to who's picking up who with kids,
communicating, and that's really important through the whole thing. Divide and conquer.
Okay, right. I'll cook tonight. You cook tomorrow night.
(15:45):
I'll pick up ex-kid. There you go. You can divide and conquer about what's happening.
And then the tools is obviously around that for the week. You'd be calendars
that you're referring to and the like, and then you would do it again.
So you're just constantly assessing, communicating, divide and conquering,
using the tools, and then reviewing as well.
So there's just some tips and, you know, sharing the mental load will at times
(16:11):
be uncomfortable for you because you will know how to step in and do it.
You're like, right, I know how to do the laundry.
I've done it a thousand times beforehand. I know this is the silks.
This is what does it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And the first time for your partner, it's probably going to take three or five
(16:32):
times longer than what it really should.
Okay, what's this? How much do I need to measure in and things like that?
But when you take a step back and you're going, well, the first time you did
it, you didn't know too much either and you were shown or worked out what you had to do.
Just take, you put yourself back into that situation. So yes,
the first couple of times will be hardest, but it will get easier. year.
(16:54):
So if rebalancing the mental load, sometimes it's also about us actually willing to give up something.
And there are so many times I was actually chatting with someone the other day
about it. Oh my goodness. It's just as easy if I just stepped in and did it myself.
And when I have that thought, I'm like, no, I've actually got to step back and
just hold firm and then go, no, okay, I'm going to let this go another way or
(17:18):
just let that person be responsible.
So you just have have to kind of like just know if I'm going to,
if I really am committed to resharing the mental load, then I'm going to have to do something myself.
So yes, there's a little bit of communication, but there's with your partner,
but there's also into yourself and probably your community as well.
(17:38):
All right. Okay. I'm just going to hold strong and maybe just count to five
and take a deep breath and it'll be okay. And that will eventually get there.
I had a situation recently, my husband was buying a birthday present.
I reckon I got like, no joke, probably eight phone calls about this present.
We're in the same shopping center as well.
And I'm thinking, oh my goodness, when I bought my nephew's birthday,
(17:59):
I didn't even make a phone call. I was like, right, this is what's going on and bought the present.
So it was just funny in that regard. I was like, no, I've got to hold firm and
let him take responsibility in that sense. So best of luck.
As I said, the resource will be available in the show notes.
I love to hear how you go with it. Love to hear your thoughts on it as well.
Be prepared for some uncomfortable situations at times. I won't say all of this
(18:23):
is easy, but also know what's important.
And, you know, when you're at work, if you're leaving, leave loudly just to
let people know, yes, you're working flexibly and things like that and have
those arrangements because you are entitled to flexible work arrangements.
That's probably a whole other podcast.
So as always, I hope you have an amazing day and speak soon. Thanks. Bye.
(18:45):
Thank you for listening to the Working Mama podcast.
Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, Spotify, or your favorite podcast catch up.
Please also feel free to contact me on any of the Working Mama social channels.
Remember Mama is M-U-M-M-A or website www.workingmama.com.au.
I would appreciate you to share this podcast with friends and colleagues,
(19:09):
especially those that are parents managing the juggle.
And I would really appreciate if you able to take the time out to leave a review
of the podcast thank you and see you next time have a great week.
Music.
Welcome to The Working Mama Podcast, a show that provides real-world tips,
tricks and advice to all working mamas on how they can have a career,
family and hopefully one day break the glass ceiling.
Hey, hey, mama, welcome back to another episode of The Working Mama Podcast.
How is your day going or actually how's your week going?
(00:22):
I can't believe that it is almost the end of March much when I'm recording and
this is going live to you.
It's just this year is absolutely flying.
My son's about to finish first term for 2024 of prep and geez,
it has certainly been a roller coaster.
But that also relates a little bit into what I want to chat to you today because,
(00:44):
you know, starting school there has been, I have to say, a next level in terms of logistics.
I I thought starting childcare was a journey. Oh my goodness,
school is a whole new world.
And one element of that is about the mental load.
And often when you ask a mum, and I get you to reflect as well on this as you're
(01:09):
hearing this, when I ask you, how are you going?
You'd probably just say, yeah, good.
And that's just the natural default position that we have. have.
But if then I asked you, how are you really going? You're probably going to
say that you're exhausted, that you've got so much going on, life's busy,
kids are busy, and it just seems, you know, work's busy, everything just seems
(01:32):
to be busy, and there's a lot of noise and things like that.
And every single mum can relate to this.
Why? You know what? The mental load is absolutely exhausting.
From the moment we wake up to the moment we put our head on the pillow as we're
going to sleep, and then even as we're asleep, we're then thinking about everything that we need to do.
(01:56):
There's all these things running through our head. Yes, there's work stuff,
but there's also periphery like, you know, childcare, booking, holidays.
Oh my goodness. There's so many things I know that are going going through my
mind at the moment. It's just crazy.
But what is, and we often hear this term mental load and things like that.
So I thought I'd also clarify this.
(02:17):
But what I want to chat to you today about is that you can manage it.
And a big part as well, I believe, is that the mental load, sorry,
gender equality actually starts with the mental load.
And by sharing things more at at home, I've got this belief,
rightly or wrongly, that it then can have a ripple effect into organizations.
(02:39):
So what I want to go through today is a bit of a five-step framework to support
you in rebalancing the mental load with your partner.
I've also just released a new resource that walks this through with you that
includes tips, strategies, and actions and things like that that you can implement today.
So don't stress about writing things down and wondering, oh my goodness,
(03:00):
the link will be in the show notes. So just go there, download it,
and then you'll be able to start taking action today.
So that's a little bit about what we're going to talk about today.
But just to go back to the start a bit, what is the mental load?
And we always hear this term thrown around and we all kind of know about it,
but just so we're all on the same page, we can then just move forward.
(03:21):
I'll give you a really quick definition. Okay.
The mental load for mothers refers to the invisible,
yes, what's going on in our minds and our thoughts, and often overwhelming,
definitely is overwhelming, responsibility of managing and organizing various aspects of family life.
It includes tasks such as planning meals, organizing schedules,
(03:42):
remembering appointments, coordinating childcare, anticipating the family needs,
wondering doctor's appointments and people's birthdays and things like that.
And this mental burden can be absolutely exhausting,
as we all know, and can really impact a mother's well-being as she strives and
you strive for balancing these responsibilities with other aspects of your life,
(04:04):
such as work and personal time.
So it's interesting, you know, that's the definition that I got.
But also, you may or may not have seen recently that Lily Allen has been quoted
on a podcast as saying that her children ruined her career.
I would have thought, you know, this is interesting for Lily Allen.
(04:26):
The commentary around has certainly been interesting.
And I was shocked when I first saw it because I would have thought that with
some of her background and probably financial wealth as well,
that she would have had access to all all the support and nannies in the world that she could have.
But it also makes me reflect as well on the support structures and pressures
(04:46):
that we put on ourselves.
So maybe she didn't want to do the grueling traveling of going around the world
because she didn't want to leave her kids, which is completely understandable. So...
It just goes to show, no matter if we're a mum, just like myself,
just a mum, two kids, you know, average person, she's there famous around the
(05:08):
world, then questioning her career and motherhood.
I have to say that element of mum guilt and probably the mental load happens
regardless, you know, it just shows, it probably normalises that it's something
that every single one of us experiences.
Experiences and you know what career or no
career everyone has different reasons about why
(05:29):
we choose to work sometimes it's financial sometimes it's for their own personal
being there's a i'm not going to go through all the reasons because there's
a multitude of them because everyone and you have your own journey but for those
women that do want to work the stats certainly don't lie,
And this is recent release with the International Women's Day that was held
(05:52):
just a couple of weeks ago.
In Australia, women do over nine hours a week more unpaid work and care than men.
So that's actually more than the average eight-hour days, eight hours in a workday.
Well, we're doing an extra day's work of unpaid work and care than men.
Sadly, only 9% of CEOs in the ASX are women, although I'm actually not surprised
(06:17):
because Because maybe particularly, you know, a lot of women,
you know, with 84% of women are actually going to become mothers.
Maybe they don't actually want the stress and things like that that go with it.
And Australia is ranked 26th globally for gender equality compared to 43 last year.
So we have gone up a little bit, but still there's lots of ways to improve.
(06:38):
And 21% of employers are offering paid parental leave equally to women and men.
And this figure is certainly increasing. And it's great to see this because,
as I said earlier, you know, with International Women's Day and with the Workplace
Gender Equality Agency in Australia, they released a whole lot of stats around gender equality.
(06:58):
There was a lot of conversation around the pay gaps and things like that.
And it's certainly really important. But as I said earlier, I reckon one of
the best ways to improve gender equality is actually by sharing the load and
gender equality actually starts in the home.
So the more that we can rebalance the caring, the load in the house,
(07:21):
it'll then have a flow on effect into organizations. organisations.
So if you've got, say, you know, one partner that generally may not do much,
I am sure that they'll probably take a similar view in the workplace or, you know, have that.
But then rightly so, the partner is then having to take on a load.
So then their career is probably also then suffering.
But the more that you can balance it, you know, with flexible work and that,
(07:44):
and I know not all workplaces and jobs can do this. So yes, I will caveat around that. Yeah.
You know, it's one of those things that sometimes those conversations as well.
So for example, like my husband and I, my husband does all the laundry.
He actually doesn't like how I do the laundry.
So that's why he does it all. And then generally, probably on average,
(08:05):
about 50-50 about who then puts away the washing, but he hangs it all out in the line and does it.
I don't even know when the sheets and the towels and things like that are all due. He does it all.
But conversely, I do the meal planning and then the weekly grocery shop.
So that's the way we've split that up. And then we'll split the cooking on whoever's
at home or generally working from home that day.
(08:26):
We'll then do the cooking. The other one does then the pickups and things like that of kids.
So yes, there is a bit of logistics that go in, but that's what works for my
family. It's going to be completely different, but what works for you.
So what I'd like to do now is walk you through a five-step framework to help
you rebalance the mental load with your partner.
(08:46):
As I said at the start, I've released a new resource that walks this through
with you with new tips and strategies and things like that.
So don't feel that you need to start madly writing all this down.
I've got it in a really, really succinct framework for you.
And it's a document that you can easily just print out, write on and go through it.
So what the first step is, number one is about assess.
(09:10):
This here is going through doing a bit of an assessment and what I've done in
the resource that I've got.
I've got a lot of the tasks that you can then go through with your partner and
be like, right, I do this. So for example, meal planning and preparation.
You know, breakfast, is it you, your partner or both of you?
So what you can do is actually go through all of the different tasks that I've
(09:31):
already set out and you can even add your own in and just assess,
you know, have a bit of a fact based discussion.
Who's doing what? Are you doing more one thing or are you just like,
right, there's 50 things there and I'm doing all 50.
Then it's also then a really good way to then start a conversation of,
look, geez, I'm doing a lot of these.
Can we swap maybe something out and things like that? But doing the assessment is really important.
(09:54):
That's why then when we go on to step number two is about communicating.
It's about then having a fact-based discussion because then sometimes this can
actually get quite emotional if you're not also in the right frame of mind.
So when you're going to communicate and sit down and have these kind of discussions,
generally best not to have them around the kids, particularly if you wanted
(10:15):
to really go deep or haven't quite an open conversation, as I said, doesn't always go well.
And sometimes there can be some emotions, but just by communicating openly,
honestly, finding the right moment or just agree on like, right, Friday night.
After the kids have gone to bed, end of the week, can we just have a quick chat
and just review and just have a discussion on how this is going to work for us?
(10:37):
But as I said, caveat, make sure you're both in a good frame of mind.
If your partner's come home after a really stressful day, feeling like the world's
caving in anyway, and then you lump them with, sorry, can we have a chat about
you picking up more around the house?
Probably is not going to go down well. So just pick your moments. moments.
(10:57):
And even if you've been approached to have a conversation, just say maybe,
look, sorry, I'm not in the right frame of mind tonight.
Can we do it maybe tomorrow night or something like that? Or let's try and have
a date night and chat about it. Just work out something that works for you.
For then the third part is then divide and conquer.
And here it's about trying to then for all the tasks that you do,
(11:20):
you know, within your family to help your family and your household function,
looking at how you can divide that up.
So reviewing your assessment and then looking at then having from the conversation
and looking at the dividing of going, okay, right, maybe I take on the childcare,
you know, access and things like that.
And I'm going to be the point person on all the communication with childcare.
(11:42):
The other one could be, I'm going to do all the meal planning and things like
that. So just having a look at different elements.
I know that I'm I'm trying personally, trying to hold a little bit stronger on birthdays.
I've sort of been able to go in in the past and just jump in.
Yep, I'll buy all the presents and it's easy.
Particularly, you know, for one side of the family, I'm like,
no, you're trying to get my husband to also do more in that regard.
(12:06):
But, you know, sometimes it is, it can be, you've got to work on yourself first.
But yeah, that's why, you know, by divide and conquer, it could be as well discussions
around when you're doing pickups and drop-offs and what works for this person.
But also then that flexibility and just conversation needs to be had not only
in the home, but also with employers.
So have a look there about how you can then divide and conquer. cup.
(12:29):
The next step as well is looking at the tools and probably the support that you may need.
I have to say that my number one hot tip is if you can afford it, get a cleaner.
Fortnightly clean, if and if it's just the bathrooms, kitchen wipe down and the floors,
I have to say will save your, probably save your marriage and also your mental
(12:52):
sanity because they They can come in, they're clean and we all just get busy
and kids are messy and there's always just there.
But if you know that, right, that person is going to come every two weeks,
there's at least going to be five seconds when it's going to be clean,
then it's going to help you so, so much.
And then what are some other tools? I know for me personally,
(13:15):
shared calendar and shared email, amazing.
So there's actually something coming up in a couple of weeks time.
Time my husband said to me, but it's not in the calendar because he knew that
it was potentially happening. I said, okay, fine.
It's in the calendar and things like that was my bad not to put it in.
But we live and breathe by that calendar. It comes up with alerts.
We know what's happening.
So that's like our joint thing of rather than sending, I've heard so many times
(13:37):
that people sending their, you know, husband or partner a meeting request and,
but you're then responsible for it.
So if you're both responsible for putting in activities into your calendar, it's going to save you.
Similar as well, my other third hot tip around tools is say a shared email account.
This is really good for all say kids correspondence or other correspondence
(13:58):
that really is relevant for both of you could be bills and things like that.
So that way you can then both see it. I personally use a Gmail account.
We've set it up so it's linked with our Gmail, I'm sorry, email as well as our calendar.
So then those two then sync in and it just works so, so well.
But there's so many different tools out there that you can use
(14:18):
and I've also got some others listed in
the resource that I was referring to and the next one final step in the in the
framework is then to review because these things can change day to day week
to week and that's where just reviewing and assessing okay might be just one
element okay this week we've got xyz happening happening,
(14:41):
okay, you need to do this or we're going to do this and this, things like that.
So the other week I was traveling, so I'd made sure, you know,
I had meeting, I'm sorry, calendar alerts, ready to go, free dress day, school photos.
It seemed like everything happened in one week when I wasn't there.
But then it was also about the communication aspect. Okay, this is what's happening here.
(15:01):
He's already booked into afterschool care and things like that.
So this is what's happening with food or what are you going to do?
This is what's going to be a bit of a a red flag and things like that.
So continuously reviewing this, and I know people that will review like say
Sunday night, okay, what's happening for the week, even just checking in.
Sometimes if I know that my husband or I'm like, right, it's going to be a crazy
week. This is what's going to be happening. We can just both be then mentally
(15:24):
prepared for what's coming.
But then even just having that weekly check-in. So you can weekly,
you know, on a weekly review,
you know, assess what's going on, what maybe even just like one or a couple
of different topics, maybe even down to who's picking up who with kids,
communicating, and that's really important through the whole thing. Divide and conquer.
Okay, right. I'll cook tonight. You cook tomorrow night.
(15:45):
I'll pick up ex-kid. There you go. You can divide and conquer about what's happening.
And then the tools is obviously around that for the week. You'd be calendars
that you're referring to and the like, and then you would do it again.
So you're just constantly assessing, communicating, divide and conquering,
using the tools, and then reviewing as well.
So there's just some tips and, you know, sharing the mental load will at times
(16:11):
be uncomfortable for you because you will know how to step in and do it.
You're like, right, I know how to do the laundry.
I've done it a thousand times beforehand. I know this is the silks.
This is what does it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And the first time for your partner, it's probably going to take three or five
(16:32):
times longer than what it really should.
Okay, what's this? How much do I need to measure in and things like that?
But when you take a step back and you're going, well, the first time you did
it, you didn't know too much either and you were shown or worked out what you had to do.
Just take, you put yourself back into that situation. So yes,
the first couple of times will be hardest, but it will get easier. year.
(16:54):
So if rebalancing the mental load, sometimes it's also about us actually willing to give up something.
And there are so many times I was actually chatting with someone the other day
about it. Oh my goodness. It's just as easy if I just stepped in and did it myself.
And when I have that thought, I'm like, no, I've actually got to step back and
just hold firm and then go, no, okay, I'm going to let this go another way or
(17:18):
just let that person be responsible.
So you just have have to kind of like just know if I'm going to,
if I really am committed to resharing the mental load, then I'm going to have to do something myself.
So yes, there's a little bit of communication, but there's with your partner,
but there's also into yourself and probably your community as well.
(17:38):
All right. Okay. I'm just going to hold strong and maybe just count to five
and take a deep breath and it'll be okay. And that will eventually get there.
I had a situation recently, my husband was buying a birthday present.
I reckon I got like, no joke, probably eight phone calls about this present.
We're in the same shopping center as well.
And I'm thinking, oh my goodness, when I bought my nephew's birthday,
(17:59):
I didn't even make a phone call. I was like, right, this is what's going on and bought the present.
So it was just funny in that regard. I was like, no, I've got to hold firm and
let him take responsibility in that sense. So best of luck.
As I said, the resource will be available in the show notes.
I love to hear how you go with it. Love to hear your thoughts on it as well.
Be prepared for some uncomfortable situations at times. I won't say all of this
(18:23):
is easy, but also know what's important.
And, you know, when you're at work, if you're leaving, leave loudly just to
let people know, yes, you're working flexibly and things like that and have
those arrangements because you are entitled to flexible work arrangements.
That's probably a whole other podcast.
So as always, I hope you have an amazing day and speak soon. Thanks. Bye.
(18:45):
Thank you for listening to the Working Mama podcast.
Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, Spotify, or your favorite podcast catch up.
Please also feel free to contact me on any of the Working Mama social channels.
Remember Mama is M-U-M-M-A or website www.workingmama.com.au.
I would appreciate you to share this podcast with friends and colleagues,
(19:09):
especially those that are parents managing the juggle.
And I would really appreciate if you able to take the time out to leave a review
of the podcast thank you and see you next time have a great week.
Music.
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