February 5, 2024 • 62 mins
As we find ourselves navigating the convoluted path of becoming caretakers for our aging parents, Shanda Domango Brown joins me to share the poignant realities of this life stage. Through her heartfelt stories, we explore the emotional labyrinth of role reversals, the resilience needed in the wake of health crises, and the cultural shifts that shape our experiences. Our discussion isn't just about the weight of these changes; it's an intimate look at the delicate balance between caring for those who once cared for us and the necessity of self-care as we undertake this journey.
The intricacies of memory loss in parents carve out a particularly tender space in our conversation. It's a candid admission of the sorrow that accompanies the fading recollections, juxtaposed with moments of clarity that can pierce through the fog of confusion. The stories we share reveal not only the grief felt in watching a parent decline but also the unexpected growth that can emerge from these challenges. It's a candid reflection on the uncharted waters of love, loss, and the enduring human spirit.
As our dialogue reaches its conclusion, we grapple with the duality of loss—how it can sow seeds of both regret and gratitude. The anecdotes we exchange are an invitation to listeners wrestling with similar emotions, emphasizing the importance of traversing the tumultuous waves of grief toward a shore of acceptance and appreciation. To anyone out there on a similar path, my heart goes out to you, and I extend an open invitation to connect and find solace in our shared stories.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of
Working Out the Kings, thepodcast.
We are in season four now and Iam welcoming back an old friend
.
You might remember her fromseason one, episode one, shonda
Domingo Brown.
And today we have a differenttopic.
The first topic we had was likemommyhood moments and we were
(00:22):
in that series.
But today we're actuallytalking about something a little
different.
We're talking about agingparents and just like the
experience of seeing yourparents just get a bit older.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
So, hi, shonda, hey, thank you for having me, tasha.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Of course, if anyone knows like our friendship at
this point y'all know that wetalk about a lot of different
things whether it's husband andShonda has kids, looking to have
some in the future.
And just like parents and justlike, as you get older, it's
just like you start to see likethe parents kind of decline and
(01:02):
it's like the relationship youhave with them change.
It's no longer like they areyour caretakers.
It's kind of like the rolesreverse.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, I think I got both sides of it.
So for me my parents had meolder, so my mom had me when she
was 42.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
And so you know, they were basically like a head of
the gang when they had me.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
So when my dad passed I was actually 15.
And so at that time I saw thekind of experience, both sides
of the coin.
So, like when my dad passed Iwas 15.
I was like a junior in highschool and so my parents even
hid from me or I didn't even see, being the only child in my own
(01:55):
world.
My dad had cancer and so I knewhe was in and out of the
hospital.
I was very aware of that.
I was just getting told he wassick when I was specifically was
wrong.
But what I did notice was, youknow, I definitely saw my mom
(02:15):
kind of doing more around thehouse and I saw her getting a
lot more kind of like frustrated, more, you know, because he had
to step up, essentially becausemy dad was physically that
could physically do the thingsthat we were used to him doing
all the time.
And so I saw the decline inwhen you almost like in their
(02:40):
marriage with who was doing whatand how the roles were shifting
.
My dad used to fix my lunch.
He would cook, he cleans, heprepared my lunch, and then my
mom was like you got to makeyour own lunch.
You got to.
You know, da, da, da.
And so for me it was that shiftas my dad got sick and I was a
(03:03):
teenager, I didn't have to stepin.
At that point my mom stepped in, she stepped up and she did all
the things.
You know she.
I always appreciate my mombecause even before my dad was
six, she was always very, very,very adamant to make sure that I
had my own life and that Iwasn't responsible for anybody
(03:24):
else other than myself.
She was always very clear aboutthat and very clear for wanting
that for me.
So even as a teenager, even Iwas old enough to definitely you
know, step in and help her,yeah, but she never pulled that
(03:44):
card, you know, she let me stay15.
You know, and so I appreciatedher for that, because right
after my dad had cancer and hepassed away, and in the
following year was HurricaneKatrina, right, so it was like
he passed away in February andKatrina was at August, you know,
(04:06):
and so we really had no bounceback time, like soon as we
started kind of settling intothe fact that we have to move
forward and this is what ourlife is going to look like with
just the two of us, katrinahappened and she had to step up
and step up again.
You know, yeah, she's adifferent.
That was a different kind oflevel of strength and survival,
(04:28):
because I always tell everyone Iget my work ethic and and the
grind that people know about me,that's my mama Hand like hands
down, you know, and so for me itwas kind of that side of the
coin.
But then as I got older, youknow, by the time I was in my
(04:49):
early 20s, my mom was gettingclose to seven, you know, she
was tired, she was tired, shewas tired, she was tired, she
was tired, she was tired, youknow, and because she was, she
wasn't taken as good of careherself.
You know she wasn't exercising,she wasn't eating, for she was
surviving, she was enjoying herlife.
(05:09):
She wasn't she.
And also you know that wasn't apart of our culture at the time
either, like health andwellness was not a thing Right,
it's her generation.
You know, like she tried towalk them all and she could, you
know, pretty shot type of.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Thing.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
But she got really sick with heart disease, which
is also very common with womenin my family on that side.
So that was then it was my turnto step up, you know, and I was
living in California at thetime and the first round she got
(05:49):
sick.
I knew something wasn't right,because I came home and she
would tell me on the phone whileI was in California, or I'm
going to the doctor and oh, I'm.
So in my mind she, good, youknow, like just taking care of
myself, Got number time becauseit's just her woman in
California.
I'm calling this money, youknow, because I'm broke trying
(06:11):
to be a student.
And but when I came home, therewas a time where I came home and
my mom kept the house very tidyand the house was not tidy.
She had this really really badcough.
I mean this incessant cough,and I was like I'm not right,
(06:35):
you know.
So I like I, and she told meshe had a hair point and I was
like, oh, okay, mom, anybody whoknow my mom, baby nails stays
done, hair stays done every twoweeks like clockwork.
So I didn't.
She's got a hair point, that'sokay.
So the next morning she wascoughing really bad.
I said I don't think you needto go get your hair done, we
need to go to the doctor.
So I said let me call your hairstylist and I'll let her know
(06:57):
that she not coming.
And she was like okay, and Icalled the hair stylist and she
was like oh, I've been lookingfor your number because I
haven't seen your mom in monthsand I was our.
So that's when I kind of got mylittle antenna.
So I'm like the house, look alittle crazy, you ain't gonna
get your hair done.
So now I know something, allright.
So we took it to the doctor,and when I got to the doctor he
(07:21):
said why you been to my mom?
He hadn't seen her.
And so that's when I realizedshe ain't been doing none of the
things that she told me she wasdoing, you know.
And so that's when I knew, youknow, it's just me, you know,
that's when I knew like, okay,if I knew that it was my turn to
(07:44):
take care of her, which was ano brainer because she provided
me with a beautiful life andbeautiful support, you know.
So I was okay, bet, but then Ialso don't live in the same
state.
So now, what does that looklike for me?
So I called her friends myuncle didn't, you know, even the
couple hours away and it wastime to recruit the village, you
(08:09):
know.
And so we got her to the doctor.
She had a minor surgery sheneeded to do to correct some
things, and I stayed on her likeI wish she had to go to
physical therapy.
Her friends would go pick herup to get her to physical
therapy and then she wouldn'tanswer the door to start again
real stubborn.
And so that's when I startedlike, wow, this shift is real
(08:33):
when you really you become theparent and you have to manage
their lives and remember whatthey have to do.
And it's very, it's very hard.
I mean, even with my dad.
My dad's always been a very.
He was always a very tall andstocky guy and just watching his
body decline was very hard.
(08:54):
Seeing him get so slender andfrail, you know it's not easy to
watch.
You know, in my mind wentthrough a very.
I saw her.
I saw her give up and I thinkthat was the hardest thing for
me to see in the biggest lessonin learning.
(09:15):
That moment I saw her giving itup and giving up and I couldn't
take it personal Because Istarted taking it personal, like
I'm not enough to live for.
You know she told me at onepoint that she just she was
tired and she didn't want to behere no more.
You know, in that's when I knewlike, okay, I gotta start
(09:39):
wrapping my mind around this, Ican't force her to want to be
here.
At that point I had her drinkin Herbalife shakes, she was
doing physical.
I was doing all the things Icould do.
Her friends were checking onher, my uncle was jumping the
fence to go make her open thedoor and it's like a toddler At
(10:00):
some point.
Right, you have to let themfeel that out.
The more you argue with themand the more you fight a toddler
or a teenager, the moreresistance you're going to meet.
But the more you give them thespace to figure that out so they
can really tell you what theywant, the easier the
communication is and the morethey are.
(10:21):
You know they cooperate.
You know, for me and myexperience, my mom was tired and
she was like I'm done, you knowI don't want to be here anymore
, I'm done.
And so I think, after she wasin the hospital at that time,
when she told me that it may beabout two days later, she passed
(10:46):
away and she was sleeping.
She was talking in her sleep toher best friend who had passed
away a couple years before her,and that's when I knew.
I said oh, she was talking toher.
They always used to go shoppingtogether and she was sleeping.
And she was talking in hersleep telling her friend look
something on sale.
And I was like why are you?
(11:06):
talking to her Like what'shappening and that's I knew in
my heart, like what time it was,you know.
And so I think one of thebiggest things if I could share
with anyone when we're watchingyour parents age and decline, we
can't take it personal, like wehave to remember that they had
(11:26):
a whole life before they wereour parents.
A lot that comes with how theyeven got to where they are in
their aging process, not justwhat we know.
There's a whole, not a life youknow before that.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Right and just like that, just the point of them,
just like being our parent,that's literally just one part
of the life.
You know you're still a spouseor a friend to someone, you're a
worker to somebody else.
I mean, you have all thesedifferent versions of you, and
being someone's parent isliterally just that one version.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
And for us.
You know, our parents are ourworld.
You know, and we forget thatthey just people to with their
own, just by, without all thetitles.
They're still just them, youknow, and so they become our
world.
And so it's a very hard thing,especially as an adult.
(12:27):
You know it's a hard thing to,to come to grips with Because
once you had a dog hood, youkind of see the rest of you, see
it play out.
You like you bought the gig.
You know I'm, hopefully I canget you some grandkids you're
going to be here like in yourmind.
You know you see them gettingto like 100.
And even when they 100, fromwhat I've seen other people
(12:51):
experience, you see you're neverready.
You know you're never a littlebit more at peace about it, but
you know it's still hit, youknow.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
Yeah, I mean, I think you know the idea of just like
you said, like you know she wasready, you know, and I think
about you know, like, just fory'all know, like my own
situation comes like my parentsaging, right.
So my story is, is that for me,I have seen my mom be crying
(13:24):
more than my dad.
So y'all know I'm also veryemotional person.
So if I start crying, don't addme, I'm sorry.
I just tend to be veryemotional.
So when it comes to my mom, soyou think so, oh, thank you, I
appreciate it.
So you know, my mom was likedying.
No, so it's like MS and like1999.
And to be fair, even after allthese years, it really wasn't
(13:48):
the MS had like completelyslowed her down Because, if you
know, like at the time, like youknow, from that time period,
she continued to like walk onher own and even after Katrina
she still was pretty muchwalking by herself.
It wasn't until like 2006 thatshe started she had a cane and
then, from 2006 up until later,either it had to be like early
(14:10):
2010 or so that's when she had aWalker, so then she would get
him around with a walker.
And it wasn't until she hadaccident in 2011 when she
actually like fell and she endedup having like a brain
hemorrhage that really slowedher down.
So that was kind of like thatfirst moment when she's like God
damn, there's a chance, I canlose my mom.
You know, and I was like thatfirst, like, oh my God, like
(14:33):
this is not something that canhappen when you're ready for
some time.
It just happens sometimes,doesn't you know?
By that time you know she was,we weren't sure where she was
going to make it or not, and,god willing, she, she did.
That being said, that still didnot slow her down.
So I want to say the followingEaster she had a stroke, that's
(14:59):
what slowed her down.
So you know, and that's like2012.
So now we're like 1011 yearslater.
This lady is so stubborn andshe is still kicking y'all.
She is still kicking, but youknow, she, she, she, I guess
right now, you know she needs 24hour care.
She needs to take care of herfamily.
(15:23):
Like, we do our best, we takecare of her the best we can, and
I think the biggest lesson I'velearned so far, which I'm still
learning, is that she's not thewoman she used to be.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
You know, we are yeah .
Speaker 1 (15:49):
So for me, I mean, there's a part of me that had to
like learn to mourn and learnto let that go, you know, and
why I'm grateful that she'sstill here, it's like there's
different things in my life thathas happened and I'm just like,
does she understand?
this has gone on?
(16:10):
Is she aware, like you know, ofdifferent things?
And you know, unfortunately shehas dementia will like rack
that up as well In this momentwhen I know she's in the present
mind.
You know, like we have mynephew Delphi, and she, she, she
, neck and nails him as herhandsome grandson.
she always says that you know,or even like she's got married.
(16:35):
I remember like she saidsomething to me and it was just
like recalling, like her momentsof clarity.
She had this moment and she wasjust like so what's your new
last thing?
And I had to tell her and shewas like, yeah, okay, she's like
I'm not gonna, she's like it'sthe loose key and she was just
like yeah, I'm not saying that,right?
(16:57):
But she was just like Are youhappy?
And I was like, yeah, she waslike all right, that's all I
want to know, are you happy?
And I was like, god damn it,how dare you make me cry?
But you know it's, it's, butit's just it's.
It's one of those things whereit's just like mind you, when it
is her time, I'm still going tobe very upset and at the same
(17:18):
time, I feel like that's still apart of her that's there, and
then that's a part of her that'snot there.
And having to like, learn andbe okay with it, that has been
the hardest.
It's hard.
Yeah, that has been the hardest.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Yeah, I can imagine.
I know it's crazy that you saythat.
I remember we had two instances, so.
So you know, I'm born andraised in New Orleans, right,
and then after I went toundergrad in Lafayette and after
that I moved to California.
So my mom has always been supersupportive of me going to
(17:57):
California.
Like, be like, go ahead, handleyour business.
That's been your dream sinceyou was 12.
I used to call her afterauditions, crying like I'm about
to move back home.
This is too hard, you know.
And she'd be like, nope, that'swhat you wanted, you gonna stay
out there and you gonna figureit out.
You know, and I'll never forgetso before my mom passed she the
(18:20):
first time I served her, sheactually went out of the
simulator and so it was like onChristmas, like it was just, it
was just wild, like we were inthe she ain't want nobody to
know.
So people calling my phone, youknow I'm lying and you're like,
oh no, we just gonna stayinside.
We in the hospital about to havea surgery.
She ain't want nobody in herbusiness, you know, and I wanted
(18:43):
to talk about that.
But I kind of felt the same waytoo low key.
And I remember her asking meshe was like, because we've
never my mom was, you know, shewas at that generation where
emotional availability wasn'treally a thing, you know, she
(19:05):
was strong in her own right andshe always made I never went
without.
But the emotional availabilitythat was a little bit different
for us, you know, and so it'swhat it called.
I say that to say it called meoff guard and she was like were
you happier?
(19:25):
She said were you happier inhigh school or in college?
And I just I thought it wassuch an interesting, it was such
a specific and interestingquestion and I said well, I said
I was happier in college.
I said why, you know like shesaid yeah, I thought so.
I said well, okay, she said youjust felt like you were more
(19:49):
yourself when you was in college.
I said yeah, because I didn'thave pressure to be nothing, I
didn't have to fit in a box orapprove nothing and nobody will
show up.
A certain kind of way I waslike college kind of gave me a
clean slate to figure that outand I was like I said.
To be honest, I like grass foodmore because that was a clean
slate.
You know, I was like I was likethere was.
(20:11):
Nobody knew, you know, so Icould just be me and you either
like me for being a weird nerdthat dance or you don't.
You know, and I remember herjust kind of being satisfied
with that.
She knew my life in California.
She would visit me all the timeand she was like you're good,
like you know, she always usedto say when I was in California
(20:32):
she was like you're good BecauseI formed my own social life.
I had my life, look like shehad always.
But both of us envisioned, youknow, I was embracing as close
as femininity as possible that Iwas going to get and I was
doing what I wanted to do withmy life and she was satisfied
(20:58):
that I was happy.
She looked like she was good,knowing that, almost like you
know, something never happened.
She was, she was all right, mybaby's happy, all right, cool,
you know, yeah, so I get that,but I know not fully your
experience, but I do remember Iknew I was.
(21:21):
She was kind of like losingherself because she forgot my
birthday.
And I talked to her on mybirthday and her friend was like
you know what day it is?
And she was like no, what dayis it?
And it was like my birthday.
And I remember that.
It broke me and it shook melike all at the same time.
(21:42):
That's when I knew like kind oflike she wasn't there, you know
, yeah.
And I had to meet her with whatshe was.
I couldn't, I couldn't takethat personal, you know.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
And it's hard not to like having a parent.
You know, there's definitelytimes when you know I.
You know, I live in a city overfrom my parents so I can come
over in the mornings.
And there's days when she'll gooh hey, my sweet baby, hey, my
sweet chocolate girl.
Whatever she want to say thatday, that's how she, you know,
sees me.
That's what she say.
Or it's just like oh hey howare?
(22:20):
you and I'm recognizing likeyou're not putting together who
I am.
So that's when I kind of startasking her questions like well,
who do you think I am?
And sometimes she might say heryounger sister could be favor,
or sometimes she might be like Idon't know, and then she thinks
I'm like some nurse orsomething and I think those are
like the harder days because,just like wow, you don't even
(22:41):
recognize who I am.
Yeah, yeah, those are thetougher days, but then, even
then, it's like you cannot takeit.
It's hard not to take itpersonally, but you know but you
know, but it's not like thatshe's doing it on purpose or if
someone's going through it.
It's not like you know yourparents doing this on purpose.
It's like a switch in theirmind.
(23:01):
They can't control it.
So on those days, honestly,some days I handle it better
than others, but those days whenI'm like I'm not handling it, I
have to just like walk out andI would like a good five minutes
collect my thoughts.
Everybody do a cry in thecorner, go cry in the corner and
I come back and I just have tolike I have to take care of her
because she needs me.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
Yeah, I mean, you know.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
I think I'm more grateful that I'm in a space now
that I can be there to help her.
Yeah, you know if I was young,I mean because we've been
dealing with this for like agood 10 and 11 years now.
But I think back though like ifI was even younger when this
happened.
Where would I have been in aspace mentally to help her?
(23:45):
Yeah Right.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
You know such a different space now.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Yeah, yeah, like you know, we're older, you know
we're in our magic years, at 35.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
You know we're already in our magic years.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
You know, and I feel like we're almost in a year
where we really start growing upinto true adulthood.
You know which we think we know, but then it's like I'm more
than a level, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
I definitely feel now like you know, as kids, you
know you see your parents andyou think they have it all
figured out, like, oh, they'relike real adults.
Quote, unquote, and I'm justlike man yo just faking this
shit Just like we are.
I ain't know what y'all wasdoing.
And it gives me such a like afeeling of grace for them a
little bit more.
It's for the sense they hadkids younger.
(24:42):
You know, like my parents hadme at 27, had my sister at 25,
had my brother at 35.
So it just kind of just likedang like I'm still trying to
figure out, like when I want toeat for breakfast in the morning
and y'all had y'all had threewhole ass kids, what, what.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Hello, you know, I remember, um, I was like my
parents tell me over one of thethings.
Bro, this is just so.
This used to piss me off, likebecause my parents were so much
older than everybody else's sopeople used to always think they
were my grandparents and I usedto get so mad, like, and I mean
(25:25):
I didn't understand.
You know, my dad used to, mymom used to go well, you know,
we're a little bit older thaneverybody else's parents.
I used to get so upset, likehow did you?
You know, um, and as I gotolder, you know, I started to
notice like how much younger,you know, my friends' parents
were, um, then my parents.
(25:46):
But then you know, my bestfriend, narissa, that, uh, met
in middle school.
We went to high school together.
Her parents were older too.
Then I found felt like I foundan ally, you know, but I used to
always be in the back of mymind.
And, um, as I got older, youknow, people wouldn't know me.
but, as you know, as I got older, people would just say oh, you
(26:08):
know, I don't want to have themso young, because then I'm not
going to be old enough to dothis with them or do that with
them.
And so I just I'm alwaysgrateful that, you know, my
parents had me when they wereolder.
They were so present, like youknow, they were so present, they
kept me active.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
I understand, now that I got kids why they kept me
so active.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Why was there like 5,000 extra curricula?
I was going to say the samething.
Right, I cannot imagine, likeand I'm I get more gratitude for
them I cannot imagine havingthe boys at 42.
Like, I can't imagine startingat the beginning with them at 42
(26:50):
.
Like, I don't what you know,but you know, I know everything
happens for a reason.
But I just, um, yeah, I'mgrateful to have that experience
.
And sometimes I, you know,honestly, I always go like man,
they didn't have me younger,maybe I had them longer.
You know, um, sometimes thatdoes cost my mind, you know.
(27:14):
But then I also know, now, onthis part, on this side of my
life, like now, everything iswritten in, it happens for a
reason.
So I'm grateful to have them inthe way that I had, you know,
while they were here.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
All right.
So, like to tag on to whatyou're saying, which is
something that I also deal with,is just like, first, to have
our parents the way we want tohave them.
Honestly, it's our ownselfishness, right, because you
know, like, for example, like Iam extremely grateful that you
(27:51):
know my parents are both stillhere Like, let's say, 10 years
ago, when she had that that fall, I'm like what if it was a guy
saying that it was her time?
you know, while I'm supergrateful, that she has seen all
the things that have happened inmy life in these 10 years, like
I would have had to accept thefact that if that was her time,
that was her time.
You know.
You know.
You know, as time goes on it'slike I mean she's not to
(28:15):
exchange at that point yet.
But you know, with dementia,you know, the brain stops, the
synapses stop working and allthe other scientific stuff.
And then you know, at somepoint, like you know, the throat
muscles stop working.
She also has MS.
That means like the muscles inher body is breaking down slowly
but surely at some point, youknow she's not going to want to
eat.
She's not going to want toswallow.
(28:36):
You know we can put a port inher, but how long would that
work, you know?
So I'm like all these differentthings happen.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
And.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
I know personally, like it's not my call, but you
know I would not want her to bein a position of she can't do
things that she would want to doand she just can't do it at all
.
You know, if that was her time,I would just rather it just be
her time.
I wouldn't want to draw herhead on, you know.
So that's something that wehave to check in ourselves as
(29:02):
our own selfishness, like howlong do you want to keep
somebody here?
You?
Speaker 2 (29:07):
know Well, that part and I remember the thing for me
was definitely a lot ofselfishness, especially as a
only child.
You know, you know we had avillage.
You know what I mean, but atthe end of the day it was always
down to us three you know, andwhen it down to, you know, I was
(29:32):
a daddy's girl first andforemost, like dad girl.
do you understand me?
Like my mama was in the way,daddy's girl, you know, she was
in the way.
Why did she go to the chair?
It was me and you, bro.
And when my dad passed, you know, it really brought me and my
(29:57):
mom closer together and it waskind of like, you know, we got
in this space where it'sbasically like, you know, it's
us to the world's fall off atthis point, you know.
And so, no matter what thestate of our relationship was in
, she was my safety.
You know, Like that's how Iknew, as long as I had her, I
(30:17):
was secure, I was safe, I wouldalways be provided for, no
matter what age you know I was.
And so when I lost her, I feltlike I lost everything.
I lost her.
I felt like what's the point,you know not, not what's the
(30:40):
point of like living, but like,well, I have nothing.
I felt like I lost the essenceof who I was.
I felt like I lost my identityand I felt like I had no, like I
lost my family.
It's a hard one and I reallyhad to hold us lost for a minute
(31:09):
.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
after that I was gonna ask how much you come back
from that.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Honestly like I'll keep it a buck.
I got lost for a minute.
It took I got lost.
I was.
I dated whoever looked at me.
I lost my sense of value.
I dated anybody who felt like Iwas worthy to be loved of the
(31:42):
light and I was in a reallycomfortable position for
somebody my age with a house.
And you know, now I got thishouse, I got you know these call
, you know like this wholelifestyle, but I was just in
pain, you know so, and it was avery uncomfortable position
(32:06):
because I think, when I lookback on it now, I wanted some
type of safety and I wanted tofeel loved in a whole and I
wasn't that within myself, eventhough I may have thought I was.
I was not that within myself,and I know that, not more,
(32:26):
because I dated whoever, youknow, whoever looked at me and I
thought they was cute enough.
That's who I rocked with.
You know, I gave myself in somany ways that if I was plugged
into my worth, I would like what.
But, you know, I gave myself ina lot of ways and then, at the
(32:48):
same time, I went through amoment where I had people
thinking that I had more thanwhat I did, you know, and so I
didn't feel safe with nobody.
You know people that I thoughtI would have felt safe with,
because I felt like they wascounting what I had, and people
that I was craving safety fromwas just like you hear you know
(33:12):
like I'm just a body.
You know what I mean.
And so went through that stageand then I just worked.
Then I was like I had a friendpull me to the side.
She was like, get your shittogether, you're losing yourself
, cause I wasn't showing up asmy usual type A workaholic self,
right, and so that was all Iknew.
(33:35):
So that's what I went to, thatform of survival mode, and so I
worked, I worked, I worked, Iworked my company, I got a job,
I worked choreography.
I still sold Herbalife, like Ijust I worked.
I knew if I couldn't do nothingelse.
(33:55):
I knew how to work and I didn'trealize at the time that was
just suppression at its finest.
That was just high functioninganxiety, depression, yeah,
depression, yeah.
So my depression looks likework and you don't know at the
time who you're getting praisefor it.
You're so productive man, youworked so hard, so you don't
(34:20):
think nothing really wrong withhow you move, right, you know,
and to be honest, I didn'trealize how lost I was until I
got what I like to call glimpsesof it.
You know, I got married andthen I had kids and my husband
(34:42):
will tell you what he sees andhe gonna tell you like it is,
you know.
And so he would see things andbe like yo, you know, and I was
very defensive about it, likewhat, talking about what.
I've always been like, you know, like I've always been like
this, what?
And then when I got pregnant andI decided to just start working
(35:03):
on my ish yeah, that's when Iwas like yo, something not right
.
No, ha ha ha ha.
Something not right, somethingis not right.
I'm not handling life in theway this.
Don't feel healthy.
No, more Like this, don't feelproductive.
The way I work don't feel right.
(35:24):
Something's not right.
And that's when I reallystarted sitting with my stuff
and I'm in a much stronger placewith my healing.
Now, when I look back on it, Ican truly, truly, truly see how
far gone and how lost I was.
And if I think about it, I wentfrom I got lost with my dad
(35:47):
past, like I was.
That did me in Cause.
That was my eighth and thenKatrina happened, so I kept into
survival mode with my mom, youknow, and I just kind of stayed
there basically until I had kids, you know, and I'm still
healing myself out of operatingin that kind of way of being and
(36:09):
living.
I'm not as bad as I'm used tobe, but yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:16):
I mean, you kind of just went from like trauma,
trauma, trauma and you knowreally, instead of like knowing
the right way to deal with it,because we weren't taught the
right way to deal with it.
You just kind of just threwyourself into your work, and
it's just crazy, cause it'sstill when you really think
(36:36):
about this kind of just wentright back to episode one, when
we talk about when you finallywent down when you had the twins
yeah yeah, yeah, I startedthrowing down.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
They didn't give me a choice.
That's why I'd be like I'm sograteful, you know, For my kids,
but now it's not just them, mywork.
Don't give me a choice.
I literally am in a professionnow that promotes and works.
There is a lifestyle of flowand of trust and of faith and of
(37:12):
being.
You know so grinding and being.
You know grinding and being ahealer don't go in the same
bucket, Right?
So it's a beautiful position ofbeing and I'm learning.
You know I'm learning and as Iheal I continue to learn what
(37:32):
that looks like.
And as I continue to heal, Iget to sit with what that part
of my life looks like.
When it comes to losing myparents, you know, in the state
that I was in at each moment,Cause even when my dad passed, I
remember I was in a quote,unquote high school relationship
right when my dad passed.
(37:55):
You know in our mind, baby,real girl.
But I remember the person I waswith at the time had just
broken up with me right before,literally the day before, my dad
passed.
And I remember, right afterthat, I think maybe a year or
two later I don't know how Iwound up back on the phone with
(38:15):
him.
But I remember being in a carwith my uncle, on the phone with
him, and I was begging him tolegit, begging him to give us
like you know to be all in mymind like not quit on us, not
give up on me.
Now I would never forget myuncle snatching that phone out
my hand and hanging it up andlike don't you ever beg nobody
(38:36):
you know to be with you, Like ifthey don't want you, that's on
them, you know.
And now when I look back on it,it just shows me how, how
wounded my solar chakra and myheart chakra was, you know, in
all those situations, becauseAfter each of their death, all I
wanted to be was loved in bothof those moments, and I was.
(38:59):
I never felt I wasn't lovedenough by myself to be good with
where I was, you know.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
Damn deep.
I know I was like, yeah, I meanI will say no because I mean
I've learned that you know it'sokay to still be sad, it's okay
to still have feelings ofemotion, but what to do with
(39:32):
them and how to just like take astep back and just be like you
can see, you can be sad but youcan still be grateful, like you
could be sad but you could stillbe accepting of you know where
they are and what's going on.
So I know that that has helpedme and I honestly I think my
therapist and you too, you likepull the cars, I pulled the cars
(39:56):
up say god damn it.
How did you know my solarneeded help today?
How do you know I wasn't rootedat the moment?
Speaker 2 (40:07):
I think what you said is really, is really key to you
know, like you can Be sad andwe grateful, all at the same
time.
And I feel like a lot of timeswe're put in positions where we
feel like we have to be one orthe other, like we can't
ourselves the permission toLiterally be in both spaces.
And we can, you know, and it'sall about if we choose to
(40:31):
marinate in it or if we chooseto sit with the emotion, let it
pass and then move forward.
We get taught is feel theemotion and then look to the
left and keep it pushing.
You know we never sit with it.
I think we.
What you said is so key.
You know you can feel both.
(40:51):
You can feel both.
You can be disappointed andaccepting all at the same time,
and I think that's how we trulystart to acknowledge and be
honest with ourselves, or likewhat we really feel and in any
given moment.
You know it's like dang likethis hurts for me to see her
like this, but I get it, youknow, and truly mean it.
(41:14):
You know, rather than like Idon't see her like this, and
then you just deny that it'seven happening.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
Right, you don't want to be an S basement.
It's just like you yeah.
Turn the blind eye to what'sgoing on, because I feel like if
you do, the time that you couldhave had, you've lost, and then
you're sitting there with everyregret.
In every event, me like dang, Ilike you know I would hate to
have you like people when you goto funerals and sometimes the
(41:43):
loudest people crying be theones who didn't do nothing.
And it's just like yeah youknow, because that's that regret
, that's popping up.
Speaker 2 (41:50):
And then I was too late because of what's that
person's gone there gone, yeah,I not so.
Yeah, and I mean I still hadregrets, like after my mom, as
you know, when I meant to sayearlier, like what her like
supporting me, the living inCalifornia, I knew something was
wrong because she asked me tomove back to New Orleans.
Hmm, anybody know, my mom islike she would never have, even
(42:16):
if she thought about it, shewouldn't ask me because she was
always that supportive of what Iwas doing with my life, as far
as at least you know not sayingit out loud, you know.
So when she, when she asked methat and I remember looking at
her in her face I can see howscared she was, you know and she
needed help and I was like Iremember going look, give me two
(42:39):
weeks, I will, let me get backto California, let me pack my
stuff, let me sell my car.
You know I was like in I'm, youknow I'm coming home, is almost
like I was begging her to holdon.
You know so, I think so I canmove back, you know so.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
And you know, and that's not saying that that's
the reason why, but it could bea reason why she held on,
because you know Some peoplewhen you feel it that you know
they're there last days.
They want to go in a regret,you know right.
That's why she probably, justlike I, want to make sure that
everything is right between meand you before I let go.
That could be yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
Well, that's true, because I definitely Set with a
lot of guilt, you know,afterwards like I was like dang
when she got the Fibulator Ijust should have stayed.
Like I almost felt like it wasselfish of me to go back, you
know, to LA and try to keepdancing, you know, and kind of
manage it, you know from manageher life, you know Kind of
(43:39):
coordinating with her friendsand stuff like that.
Like I always felt like no,like I should have, I should
have packed my, like I shouldDid what I did the second time
around, which I left all about aone-way ticket and left all my
stuff in LA and I was like I'llfigure it out.
You know, when I get settled,like I always feel like I should
have did that the first time,but I think I didn't.
(44:01):
I either didn't realize how badit was.
They want to realize how bad itwas.
You know I'm sorry I did dealtwith a lot of a lot of guilt,
you know from that.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
I feel like if you did like Would have really made
a difference, though, you know,but that's like one, but that's
like on a whole, like wholedifferent.
You know, we didn't live that,so you don't want to sit into
that.
You didn't even live like it's.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I literally get a heartfeeling on that this morning.
So you know it's and that'scomes with the.
You know you got to let it bewhat it's gonna be and Can leave
it right there and trust thatit all happened.
Even you said I was veryresentful for a while, but how
(44:49):
they handled me when it came tomy dad's death, like nobody
telling me he even had cancer,and then I resented myself For
being like what was I just thatstuff absorbed, that I never
stopped long enough, you know,to realize that it was cancer.
Like I went through a wholething, you know, and I had to
(45:11):
come that piece, that everythingplayed out the way it was
supposed to.
You know and have to, and justhave to trust me that they have
to leave it right there, get thelesson and then leave it right
there, you know and I mean wewere kids.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
I'm like how would you to like pick up on signs of
like someone being super sick?
You know, and I think your momgot the right thing.
By I mean, we're only childrenfor so long you know.
Yeah, I think she really justwanted you to like enjoy the
very short years of childhoodthat we have, so I could see why
she made that decision.
I really can.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
Yeah, no, I always Appreciate that from her.
If she's I mean, she was verydead.
Like my dad wanted me to get ajob in high school and my mom
was like what?
No, she would be a cheerleader.
She's gonna be a cheerleader.
She's like nah, but what?
Like I remember I'd be like forwhat she don't have to.
You know, like I would never.
(46:08):
I remember her like reallystanding up for me for that.
She like for what she she's ateenager.
Like then she don't have to.
Like she had the key.
I remember her saying that likewhy she don't have to and she
wants to, that's on her, butshe's right, have to.
Like there's nothing for her tocontribute.
Like she don't have to likethis ain't.
I remember her going.
She was like we ain't, we ain'tback then, she don't have to.
(46:30):
So I always appreciate her forPreserving and always making a
space for me to have my own lifeand always, as much as she
could, let me make my owndecisions About my life, you
know, rather than telling mewhat I needed to do and how I
should look.
Speaker 1 (46:49):
Right, so I have a question.
Um, I hope you have an answer.
I always feel that you comefrom like a good space, in that
you, you know, never have like Iam.
To me, you don't have a badspirit in your body.
Personally, that's the way Ifeel, but you know, you know no,
(47:09):
seriously, look, this is how Isee it.
I could be wrong, but you know.
Looking out what you said, Iappreciate it.
But you know, sometimes whenyou're outside, looking in, you
can see other people who areblessing up to still have their
parents here.
If you had to talk to someonewho recently lost their parents
(47:29):
and they, you know, sometimesfeel like a little hurt that
other people still have theirparents and they don't, how
would?
I'm hoping, wrapping this up ina pretty good.
You understand what I'm saying.
Um, I got what you're trying tosay, like you know not to feel
a certain type of week becauseother people still have their
parents and they don't Listen.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
Let me say something Listen let me tell you something
you know we keep it above eachother.
Let me tell you something.
You know, my husband has bothof his parents and so for me, um
, me personally, you know, Ifelt the way like when we got
married.
I felt the way Because hisparents got to be there, in my
(48:14):
word, um, when I got pregnant, Ifelt the way because my kids
Get to know and engage and haverelationships with his, with his
parents, and I don't, I didn'twant them looking at me like,
well, where's yours?
Yeah, you know, um, that washard.
You know, um, I have the.
(48:37):
I have.
I'm lucky, you know, as amedium, to be able to just go in
spirit and talk to mine.
Now Also, my, my emotionstowards it is different, but at
the time, you know, I wasn't andI'm not I was pissed and I let
myself be pissed.
Um, I was hurt, I cried late,um, I felt the way, and I asked
(49:01):
for the space to do that becausemy feelings were valid.
My daddy couldn't walk me downto how I was pissed about it.
I was hurt because anger isjust hurt.
Speaker 1 (49:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (49:12):
Well, I was just, I was hurt because that's
something I always wanted and Icouldn't have it, and that it
broke my heart, you know.
And so I say that to say Feel,but what?
What I didn't do, though.
What I didn't do was take itout on my husband, all right,
you know.
So, like I didn't walk aroundthe house like you with both of
(49:34):
your parents looking at, likeyou know.
I wasn't doing that.
But I also let him know when Iwas in that space so that way he
knew if, um, you know, if alittle Underhanded comment came
out that was unrelated, or if myenergy shifted.
I wanted him to know where,where I was, so I could have the
(49:55):
space, so process how I wasfeeling, so I could get on the
other side of it, you know, um,and move forward.
So I say to anyone that's inthat position and even before I
was married, you know, I wouldsee people from getting ready
for mother's day, you know, andPosting pictures of their daddy.
You know, that they just get tohang out with and spend time
(50:16):
with.
And I acknowledged, I had toacknowledge that that it hurt
seeing it.
And then I had to accept thatthat what I was in was my
reality and I had to trust thatit was for a reason, even if I
didn't know what it was yet.
So I gave myself the time tolay in the bed and cry.
(50:37):
On Mother's Day, I gave myselfthe time to go to my parents
grave and have a breakdown.
I gave myself the space to dothat and over time I learned to
ask for the space to do thatbecause I also got tired of
people trying to coax me togrieve, you know, just because
(50:57):
they didn't see me, you know,and it's like nah, I almost like
it would hit me in waves, andsometimes it hit me when I
wasn't even planning for it to.
But I learned to.
Just, I would let it out andgive myself the space to feel
that, give myself the space tobe in that and then pick myself
(51:18):
back up when I'm ready, you know.
And so I say to anyone that'shaving those feelings you can
feel it, you just can't staythere.
Right, yeah, you know, you canfeel it, but you can't stay
there.
You can feel it.
And then you have to.
You have to shift to gratitude,you have to shift to being
(51:40):
grateful for the mission you didget.
Because guess what?
And I, you know, I always say,you know, I have a friend whose
dad died when she was one.
She can't even remember.
Wow, yeah, you know, so I gotto be grateful for what I had.
So I still get to be mad, Istill get to feel away, you know
, but I'm not going to staythere.
(52:01):
I'm not going to stay there.
I'll be grateful for what I got.
You trust that it is a part ofa divine plan anyway.
Speaker 1 (52:08):
Right, because I will say so, I swear y'all, I had
like probably the most emotionaltime during, like, my wedding.
I really feel that way.
One of them you were present,for I see you.
I mean not like you weren'tthere in my wedding, because you
were, but I remember and andeven then I was like, wow, it
didn't have any way how I wantedto.
(52:28):
I still have to be grateful.
Like I remember the day I wentdress shopping and my mom wasn't
feeling good so she couldn'tcome.
My sister was in Atlanta, soshe was there virtually, but
even then she signed in likereally, really late, and I
remember you met me at the shopand I remember I just started
bawling my eyes out.
I was just like no one's here,I'm all alone and I feel so
(52:51):
lonely and I'm just I was soupset and I was just like so
thankful that one you showed upand I was just like, okay, I'm
not alone, like I literally havea village of people, and like
that day you were like myvillage.
So I was like, well, I havethis.
And then like and then at theday I was like well, my mom is
(53:12):
here, she just can't be here forthis one moment and then, like
for my actual wedding day, likethe day before my wedding, my
mom went into the hospital andpart of it was just like are you
effing kidding me?
Like, are you serious?
Speaker 2 (53:28):
right now.
Speaker 1 (53:29):
So even then I had to be like this sucks.
And one point I was like I'mgoing to postpone and my dad was
like don't you dare do this hewas just like you know she would
not want you to do this.
You know, I was like I'm stillgoing to walk you down, so she's
like, she's like I just have toleave afterwards.
And even then I had to begrateful.
I'm like, okay, well, my dad isstill present.
(53:51):
He's still team youth.
That's a blessing.
And then two, it was like she'snot here at the moment, but
she'll be here tomorrow.
You know, not everybody gotthat.
So I had to be like be thankful.
And then my friend who was ourfishie.
I was like I just want to takea moment and recognize the
people who aren't here today andI was like I started crying,
(54:12):
yeah.
I was like God damn it.
Speaker 2 (54:16):
So there's little blessings in that man you know,
there's little blessings in thatRight, right Like my.
What was cool for me wasthere's a picture that I still
have.
My uncle walked my mom downthat wall when she married my
dad, and so I was gratefulbecause my uncle got to walk me
(54:38):
down the aisle.
So for me that was like I feltlike I had a piece of her moment
with me.
Speaker 1 (54:47):
Right.
Speaker 2 (54:49):
You know, when I got to walk down, I was always I was
grateful to still have my uncle, because he older than my mom
and my uncle he's girl, he's 82.
And jumping fences, stillkicking, he still sassy, he's
still kicking, and I was just, Iwas grateful to have him, to
(55:12):
have him, to have at least himshare that moment with me and
someone who had walked my momdown that wall, who had been in
that specific moment, you know,with her.
And I had a friend of mine singthe song my Dad sung to my mom
at their wedding when I walkeddown that wall.
So I can use it as anopportunity to like recreate
(55:35):
moments for me.
You know, my husband got alocket of my parents made, so I
had that, you know, on mybouquet.
When I walked down I stayed twoseats just for him.
You know I wasn't healing atall spiritual then, but for me
that was, that was what I coulddo when I became good with that.
(55:58):
You know, yeah, like you cancreate those moments and be
grateful, just like how you did,you know, be grateful for what
you have.
When I had the boys and I waspregnant, there's this picture
that I took of my parents that Istill have.
As probably one of the onlyrandom I took that of them.
(56:21):
So I remember the moment I tookit.
I remember us being in ourhouse together.
I remember how we felt in thatmoment and I still have that
picture.
So I brought that picture withme, you know, when I had the
boys, you know.
So I like, I like to do thingsthat make that help me stay
connected to their spirit andtheir essence.
(56:43):
Now, of course, now it's alittle different as a medium,
because I just go and spendblood with y'all doing that.
But you know, but before then Ifollow ways to a hundred of
them in that, like in February,I paint my nails red Because
that's the only color my mamawill wear on her nails, like my
family.
Speaker 1 (57:05):
It has to be women of that generation.
Speaker 2 (57:08):
I mean, baby, I once I'm, I was like you gonna get
something else.
She got like burgundy.
I was like ma'am, don't do this.
So I do.
You know I, in February, Iwould always get my.
I would keep my nails red.
You know, in honor of her, inthe honor of her instilling the
importance of me being groomedin that way, you know she
(57:31):
started taking me to the nailshop in Fort Greene, you know,
really trying to teach me selfcare and staying groomed as a
young woman and how important itwas, you know.
So you know also, I encourageto anyone listening find ways to
honor them that brings you joy,that makes you come home and
members of them and that alsoallows for you to honor yourself
(57:55):
and the memories you have withthem.
I like to bait because my dadbait.
I don't like to cook, I don'tlike being in the kitchen, don't
get it twisted.
But if I got a bacon follow arecipe, I still have the bowl
that my dad baked and mixed outof.
Speaker 1 (58:12):
Oh, no, that's not it .
Speaker 2 (58:14):
So when I baked I used, you know, we we were able
to clean it after Katrina, youknow.
So, like when I'm cooking withmy boys, I use that bowl, you
know, and so I'm grateful to beable to even had a damn bowl for
some people, you know I didn'tget nothing I know.
Speaker 1 (58:31):
So we lost our lives in Katrina.
Speaker 2 (58:35):
That's a blessing that you still have.
Speaker 1 (58:37):
I'm grateful for.
Speaker 2 (58:40):
Yeah, I'm grateful for what I have.
You know, I'm grateful.
I may not have them, but I hadthem, you know, and so I'm
grateful for that.
Speaker 1 (58:53):
I just like that, like I might not have them, but
I had them.
Yeah, you're gonna have me seeher crying again, like I haven't
been crying this whole time.
Speaker 2 (59:04):
God that was.
Speaker 1 (59:07):
Yeah, I know, sister's really emotional, I'm
sorry, I'm just always going tocry.
Speaker 2 (59:11):
baby, I'm like girl, I'm so dramatic and I cry.
It's a whole thing.
Speaker 1 (59:18):
Yeah, that's true.
Okay, thank you for talking tome and just sharing your story.
When I thought of this topic,you were like the first person I
thought about, because we'vehad so many conversations over
the years already.
I'm like we can't both besitting here booing, crying.
(59:40):
Somebody got to hold ittogether.
So I'm like she's strong, shecan do it, it's true, please.
I'm like we just came both besitting here, just not knows
crying and shit on this parking.
So I was like she got it, she'sgot it.
So, yes, thank you for takingthe time, because your schedule
(01:00:03):
is super, super busy and justlike having a moment and talking
to me about this topic, which Ithink is just very important,
just because you know, as I'mgetting older, you know the
roles have changed and you startto see like different things on
your calendar is not just foryou, it might be for your
parents and their doctorappointments and what they have
(01:00:24):
going on.
I literally say that I live bymy calendar, because I don't
know what's going on until Imention that my parents are okay
, and then they're right,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (01:00:36):
So, like Google calendar, it ain't happening.
Speaker 1 (01:00:39):
Yeah, if it's not all that, I did not agree to
nothing.
If it's not on Google calendar.
Speaker 2 (01:00:45):
It ain't on the calendar.
You can't get mad at me if I'msure that's really how.
Speaker 1 (01:00:50):
Yes, exactly, but we're just, we're getting regal,
as you normally say, we justget.
Speaker 2 (01:00:58):
No, we need reminders .
We read it's fine, it's totallyfine.
Speaker 1 (01:01:02):
Definitely.
But thank you again and I hopeyou guys were able to listen to
everything and hope you guyshave been out of it.
If you're an agreement moment,I hope it was a moment of
healing for you.
If you need someone to talk to,you can always just DM me.
I'm a good person.
I like to chat with people.
I'm not a therapist, but I'lllisten.
If anyone needs to talk, feelfree.
(01:01:27):
If not, then I hope you stillenjoyed it and I hope you guys
have a wonderful day.
So bye for now.
Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of
Working Out the Kings, thepodcast.
We are in season four now and Iam welcoming back an old friend
.
You might remember her fromseason one, episode one, shonda
Domingo Brown.
And today we have a differenttopic.
The first topic we had was likemommyhood moments and we were
(00:22):
in that series.
But today we're actuallytalking about something a little
different.
We're talking about agingparents and just like the
experience of seeing yourparents just get a bit older.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
So, hi, shonda, hey, thank you for having me, tasha.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Of course, if anyone knows like our friendship at
this point y'all know that wetalk about a lot of different
things whether it's husband andShonda has kids, looking to have
some in the future.
And just like parents and justlike, as you get older, it's
just like you start to see likethe parents kind of decline and
(01:02):
it's like the relationship youhave with them change.
It's no longer like they areyour caretakers.
It's kind of like the rolesreverse.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, I think I got both sides of it.
So for me my parents had meolder, so my mom had me when she
was 42.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
And so you know, they were basically like a head of
the gang when they had me.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
So when my dad passed I was actually 15.
And so at that time I saw thekind of experience, both sides
of the coin.
So, like when my dad passed Iwas 15.
I was like a junior in highschool and so my parents even
hid from me or I didn't even see, being the only child in my own
(01:55):
world.
My dad had cancer and so I knewhe was in and out of the
hospital.
I was very aware of that.
I was just getting told he wassick when I was specifically was
wrong.
But what I did notice was, youknow, I definitely saw my mom
(02:15):
kind of doing more around thehouse and I saw her getting a
lot more kind of like frustrated, more, you know, because he had
to step up, essentially becausemy dad was physically that
could physically do the thingsthat we were used to him doing
all the time.
And so I saw the decline inwhen you almost like in their
(02:40):
marriage with who was doing whatand how the roles were shifting
.
My dad used to fix my lunch.
He would cook, he cleans, heprepared my lunch, and then my
mom was like you got to makeyour own lunch.
You got to.
You know, da, da, da.
And so for me it was that shiftas my dad got sick and I was a
(03:03):
teenager, I didn't have to stepin.
At that point my mom stepped in, she stepped up and she did all
the things.
You know she.
I always appreciate my mombecause even before my dad was
six, she was always very, very,very adamant to make sure that I
had my own life and that Iwasn't responsible for anybody
(03:24):
else other than myself.
She was always very clear aboutthat and very clear for wanting
that for me.
So even as a teenager, even Iwas old enough to definitely you
know, step in and help her,yeah, but she never pulled that
(03:44):
card, you know, she let me stay15.
You know, and so I appreciatedher for that, because right
after my dad had cancer and hepassed away, and in the
following year was HurricaneKatrina, right, so it was like
he passed away in February andKatrina was at August, you know,
(04:06):
and so we really had no bounceback time, like soon as we
started kind of settling intothe fact that we have to move
forward and this is what ourlife is going to look like with
just the two of us, katrinahappened and she had to step up
and step up again.
You know, yeah, she's adifferent.
That was a different kind oflevel of strength and survival,
(04:28):
because I always tell everyone Iget my work ethic and and the
grind that people know about me,that's my mama Hand like hands
down, you know, and so for me itwas kind of that side of the
coin.
But then as I got older, youknow, by the time I was in my
(04:49):
early 20s, my mom was gettingclose to seven, you know, she
was tired, she was tired, shewas tired, she was tired, she
was tired, she was tired, youknow, and because she was, she
wasn't taken as good of careherself.
You know she wasn't exercising,she wasn't eating, for she was
surviving, she was enjoying herlife.
(05:09):
She wasn't she.
And also you know that wasn't apart of our culture at the time
either, like health andwellness was not a thing Right,
it's her generation.
You know, like she tried towalk them all and she could, you
know, pretty shot type of.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Thing.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
But she got really sick with heart disease, which
is also very common with womenin my family on that side.
So that was then it was my turnto step up, you know, and I was
living in California at thetime and the first round she got
(05:49):
sick.
I knew something wasn't right,because I came home and she
would tell me on the phone whileI was in California, or I'm
going to the doctor and oh, I'm.
So in my mind she, good, youknow, like just taking care of
myself, Got number time becauseit's just her woman in
California.
I'm calling this money, youknow, because I'm broke trying
(06:11):
to be a student.
And but when I came home, therewas a time where I came home and
my mom kept the house very tidyand the house was not tidy.
She had this really really badcough.
I mean this incessant cough,and I was like I'm not right,
(06:35):
you know.
So I like I, and she told meshe had a hair point and I was
like, oh, okay, mom, anybody whoknow my mom, baby nails stays
done, hair stays done every twoweeks like clockwork.
So I didn't.
She's got a hair point, that'sokay.
So the next morning she wascoughing really bad.
I said I don't think you needto go get your hair done, we
need to go to the doctor.
So I said let me call your hairstylist and I'll let her know
(06:57):
that she not coming.
And she was like okay, and Icalled the hair stylist and she
was like oh, I've been lookingfor your number because I
haven't seen your mom in monthsand I was our.
So that's when I kind of got mylittle antenna.
So I'm like the house, look alittle crazy, you ain't gonna
get your hair done.
So now I know something, allright.
So we took it to the doctor,and when I got to the doctor he
(07:21):
said why you been to my mom?
He hadn't seen her.
And so that's when I realizedshe ain't been doing none of the
things that she told me she wasdoing, you know.
And so that's when I knew, youknow, it's just me, you know,
that's when I knew like, okay,if I knew that it was my turn to
(07:44):
take care of her, which was ano brainer because she provided
me with a beautiful life andbeautiful support, you know.
So I was okay, bet, but then Ialso don't live in the same
state.
So now, what does that looklike for me?
So I called her friends myuncle didn't, you know, even the
couple hours away and it wastime to recruit the village, you
(08:09):
know.
And so we got her to the doctor.
She had a minor surgery sheneeded to do to correct some
things, and I stayed on her likeI wish she had to go to
physical therapy.
Her friends would go pick herup to get her to physical
therapy and then she wouldn'tanswer the door to start again
real stubborn.
And so that's when I startedlike, wow, this shift is real
(08:33):
when you really you become theparent and you have to manage
their lives and remember whatthey have to do.
And it's very, it's very hard.
I mean, even with my dad.
My dad's always been a very.
He was always a very tall andstocky guy and just watching his
body decline was very hard.
(08:54):
Seeing him get so slender andfrail, you know it's not easy to
watch.
You know, in my mind wentthrough a very.
I saw her.
I saw her give up and I thinkthat was the hardest thing for
me to see in the biggest lessonin learning.
(09:15):
That moment I saw her giving itup and giving up and I couldn't
take it personal Because Istarted taking it personal, like
I'm not enough to live for.
You know she told me at onepoint that she just she was
tired and she didn't want to behere no more.
You know, in that's when I knewlike, okay, I gotta start
(09:39):
wrapping my mind around this, Ican't force her to want to be
here.
At that point I had her drinkin Herbalife shakes, she was
doing physical.
I was doing all the things Icould do.
Her friends were checking onher, my uncle was jumping the
fence to go make her open thedoor and it's like a toddler At
(10:00):
some point.
Right, you have to let themfeel that out.
The more you argue with themand the more you fight a toddler
or a teenager, the moreresistance you're going to meet.
But the more you give them thespace to figure that out so they
can really tell you what theywant, the easier the
communication is and the morethey are.
(10:21):
You know they cooperate.
You know, for me and myexperience, my mom was tired and
she was like I'm done, you knowI don't want to be here anymore
, I'm done.
And so I think, after she wasin the hospital at that time,
when she told me that it may beabout two days later, she passed
(10:46):
away and she was sleeping.
She was talking in her sleep toher best friend who had passed
away a couple years before her,and that's when I knew.
I said oh, she was talking toher.
They always used to go shoppingtogether and she was sleeping.
And she was talking in hersleep telling her friend look
something on sale.
And I was like why are you?
(11:06):
talking to her Like what'shappening and that's I knew in
my heart, like what time it was,you know.
And so I think one of thebiggest things if I could share
with anyone when we're watchingyour parents age and decline, we
can't take it personal, like wehave to remember that they had
(11:26):
a whole life before they wereour parents.
A lot that comes with how theyeven got to where they are in
their aging process, not justwhat we know.
There's a whole, not a life youknow before that.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Right and just like that, just the point of them,
just like being our parent,that's literally just one part
of the life.
You know you're still a spouseor a friend to someone, you're a
worker to somebody else.
I mean, you have all thesedifferent versions of you, and
being someone's parent isliterally just that one version.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
And for us.
You know, our parents are ourworld.
You know, and we forget thatthey just people to with their
own, just by, without all thetitles.
They're still just them, youknow, and so they become our
world.
And so it's a very hard thing,especially as an adult.
(12:27):
You know it's a hard thing to,to come to grips with Because
once you had a dog hood, youkind of see the rest of you, see
it play out.
You like you bought the gig.
You know I'm, hopefully I canget you some grandkids you're
going to be here like in yourmind.
You know you see them gettingto like 100.
And even when they 100, fromwhat I've seen other people
(12:51):
experience, you see you're neverready.
You know you're never a littlebit more at peace about it, but
you know it's still hit, youknow.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
Yeah, I mean, I think you know the idea of just like
you said, like you know she wasready, you know, and I think
about you know, like, just fory'all know, like my own
situation comes like my parentsaging, right.
So my story is, is that for me,I have seen my mom be crying
(13:24):
more than my dad.
So y'all know I'm also veryemotional person.
So if I start crying, don't addme, I'm sorry.
I just tend to be veryemotional.
So when it comes to my mom, soyou think so, oh, thank you, I
appreciate it.
So you know, my mom was likedying.
No, so it's like MS and like1999.
And to be fair, even after allthese years, it really wasn't
(13:48):
the MS had like completelyslowed her down Because, if you
know, like at the time, like youknow, from that time period,
she continued to like walk onher own and even after Katrina
she still was pretty muchwalking by herself.
It wasn't until like 2006 thatshe started she had a cane and
then, from 2006 up until later,either it had to be like early
(14:10):
2010 or so that's when she had aWalker, so then she would get
him around with a walker.
And it wasn't until she hadaccident in 2011 when she
actually like fell and she endedup having like a brain
hemorrhage that really slowedher down.
So that was kind of like thatfirst moment when she's like God
damn, there's a chance, I canlose my mom.
You know, and I was like thatfirst, like, oh my God, like
(14:33):
this is not something that canhappen when you're ready for
some time.
It just happens sometimes,doesn't you know?
By that time you know she was,we weren't sure where she was
going to make it or not, and,god willing, she, she did.
That being said, that still didnot slow her down.
So I want to say the followingEaster she had a stroke, that's
(14:59):
what slowed her down.
So you know, and that's like2012.
So now we're like 1011 yearslater.
This lady is so stubborn andshe is still kicking y'all.
She is still kicking, but youknow, she, she, she, I guess
right now, you know she needs 24hour care.
She needs to take care of herfamily.
(15:23):
Like, we do our best, we takecare of her the best we can, and
I think the biggest lesson I'velearned so far, which I'm still
learning, is that she's not thewoman she used to be.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
You know, we are yeah .
Speaker 1 (15:49):
So for me, I mean, there's a part of me that had to
like learn to mourn and learnto let that go, you know, and
why I'm grateful that she'sstill here, it's like there's
different things in my life thathas happened and I'm just like,
does she understand?
this has gone on?
(16:10):
Is she aware, like you know, ofdifferent things?
And you know, unfortunately shehas dementia will like rack
that up as well In this momentwhen I know she's in the present
mind.
You know, like we have mynephew Delphi, and she, she, she
, neck and nails him as herhandsome grandson.
she always says that you know,or even like she's got married.
(16:35):
I remember like she saidsomething to me and it was just
like recalling, like her momentsof clarity.
She had this moment and she wasjust like so what's your new
last thing?
And I had to tell her and shewas like, yeah, okay, she's like
I'm not gonna, she's like it'sthe loose key and she was just
like yeah, I'm not saying that,right?
(16:57):
But she was just like Are youhappy?
And I was like, yeah, she waslike all right, that's all I
want to know, are you happy?
And I was like, god damn it,how dare you make me cry?
But you know it's, it's, butit's just it's.
It's one of those things whereit's just like mind you, when it
is her time, I'm still going tobe very upset and at the same
(17:18):
time, I feel like that's still apart of her that's there, and
then that's a part of her that'snot there.
And having to like, learn andbe okay with it, that has been
the hardest.
It's hard.
Yeah, that has been the hardest.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Yeah, I can imagine.
I know it's crazy that you saythat.
I remember we had two instances, so.
So you know, I'm born andraised in New Orleans, right,
and then after I went toundergrad in Lafayette and after
that I moved to California.
So my mom has always been supersupportive of me going to
(17:57):
California.
Like, be like, go ahead, handleyour business.
That's been your dream sinceyou was 12.
I used to call her afterauditions, crying like I'm about
to move back home.
This is too hard, you know.
And she'd be like, nope, that'swhat you wanted, you gonna stay
out there and you gonna figureit out.
You know, and I'll never forgetso before my mom passed she the
(18:20):
first time I served her, sheactually went out of the
simulator and so it was like onChristmas, like it was just, it
was just wild, like we were inthe she ain't want nobody to
know.
So people calling my phone, youknow I'm lying and you're like,
oh no, we just gonna stayinside.
We in the hospital about to havea surgery.
She ain't want nobody in herbusiness, you know, and I wanted
(18:43):
to talk about that.
But I kind of felt the same waytoo low key.
And I remember her asking meshe was like, because we've
never my mom was, you know, shewas at that generation where
emotional availability wasn'treally a thing, you know, she
(19:05):
was strong in her own right andshe always made I never went
without.
But the emotional availabilitythat was a little bit different
for us, you know, and so it'swhat it called.
I say that to say it called meoff guard and she was like were
you happier?
(19:25):
She said were you happier inhigh school or in college?
And I just I thought it wassuch an interesting, it was such
a specific and interestingquestion and I said well, I said
I was happier in college.
I said why, you know like shesaid yeah, I thought so.
I said well, okay, she said youjust felt like you were more
(19:49):
yourself when you was in college.
I said yeah, because I didn'thave pressure to be nothing, I
didn't have to fit in a box orapprove nothing and nobody will
show up.
A certain kind of way I waslike college kind of gave me a
clean slate to figure that outand I was like I said.
To be honest, I like grass foodmore because that was a clean
slate.
You know, I was like I was likethere was.
(20:11):
Nobody knew, you know, so Icould just be me and you either
like me for being a weird nerdthat dance or you don't.
You know, and I remember herjust kind of being satisfied
with that.
She knew my life in California.
She would visit me all the timeand she was like you're good,
like you know, she always usedto say when I was in California
(20:32):
she was like you're good BecauseI formed my own social life.
I had my life, look like shehad always.
But both of us envisioned, youknow, I was embracing as close
as femininity as possible that Iwas going to get and I was
doing what I wanted to do withmy life and she was satisfied
(20:58):
that I was happy.
She looked like she was good,knowing that, almost like you
know, something never happened.
She was, she was all right, mybaby's happy, all right, cool,
you know, yeah, so I get that,but I know not fully your
experience, but I do remember Iknew I was.
(21:21):
She was kind of like losingherself because she forgot my
birthday.
And I talked to her on mybirthday and her friend was like
you know what day it is?
And she was like no, what dayis it?
And it was like my birthday.
And I remember that.
It broke me and it shook melike all at the same time.
(21:42):
That's when I knew like kind oflike she wasn't there, you know
, yeah.
And I had to meet her with whatshe was.
I couldn't, I couldn't takethat personal, you know.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
And it's hard not to like having a parent.
You know, there's definitelytimes when you know I.
You know, I live in a city overfrom my parents so I can come
over in the mornings.
And there's days when she'll gooh hey, my sweet baby, hey, my
sweet chocolate girl.
Whatever she want to say thatday, that's how she, you know,
sees me.
That's what she say.
Or it's just like oh hey howare?
(22:20):
you and I'm recognizing likeyou're not putting together who
I am.
So that's when I kind of startasking her questions like well,
who do you think I am?
And sometimes she might say heryounger sister could be favor,
or sometimes she might be like Idon't know, and then she thinks
I'm like some nurse orsomething and I think those are
like the harder days because,just like wow, you don't even
(22:41):
recognize who I am.
Yeah, yeah, those are thetougher days, but then, even
then, it's like you cannot takeit.
It's hard not to take itpersonally, but you know but you
know, but it's not like thatshe's doing it on purpose or if
someone's going through it.
It's not like you know yourparents doing this on purpose.
It's like a switch in theirmind.
(23:01):
They can't control it.
So on those days, honestly,some days I handle it better
than others, but those days whenI'm like I'm not handling it, I
have to just like walk out andI would like a good five minutes
collect my thoughts.
Everybody do a cry in thecorner, go cry in the corner and
I come back and I just have tolike I have to take care of her
because she needs me.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
Yeah, I mean, you know.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
I think I'm more grateful that I'm in a space now
that I can be there to help her.
Yeah, you know if I was young,I mean because we've been
dealing with this for like agood 10 and 11 years now.
But I think back though like ifI was even younger when this
happened.
Where would I have been in aspace mentally to help her?
(23:45):
Yeah Right.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
You know such a different space now.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Yeah, yeah, like you know, we're older, you know
we're in our magic years, at 35.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
You know we're already in our magic years.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
You know, and I feel like we're almost in a year
where we really start growing upinto true adulthood.
You know which we think we know, but then it's like I'm more
than a level, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
I definitely feel now like you know, as kids, you
know you see your parents andyou think they have it all
figured out, like, oh, they'relike real adults.
Quote, unquote, and I'm justlike man yo just faking this
shit Just like we are.
I ain't know what y'all wasdoing.
And it gives me such a like afeeling of grace for them a
little bit more.
It's for the sense they hadkids younger.
(24:42):
You know, like my parents hadme at 27, had my sister at 25,
had my brother at 35.
So it just kind of just likedang like I'm still trying to
figure out, like when I want toeat for breakfast in the morning
and y'all had y'all had threewhole ass kids, what, what.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Hello, you know, I remember, um, I was like my
parents tell me over one of thethings.
Bro, this is just so.
This used to piss me off, likebecause my parents were so much
older than everybody else's sopeople used to always think they
were my grandparents and I usedto get so mad, like, and I mean
(25:25):
I didn't understand.
You know, my dad used to, mymom used to go well, you know,
we're a little bit older thaneverybody else's parents.
I used to get so upset, likehow did you?
You know, um, and as I gotolder, you know, I started to
notice like how much younger,you know, my friends' parents
were, um, then my parents.
(25:46):
But then you know, my bestfriend, narissa, that, uh, met
in middle school.
We went to high school together.
Her parents were older too.
Then I found felt like I foundan ally, you know, but I used to
always be in the back of mymind.
And, um, as I got older, youknow, people wouldn't know me.
but, as you know, as I got older, people would just say oh, you
(26:08):
know, I don't want to have themso young, because then I'm not
going to be old enough to dothis with them or do that with
them.
And so I just I'm alwaysgrateful that, you know, my
parents had me when they wereolder.
They were so present, like youknow, they were so present, they
kept me active.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
I understand, now that I got kids why they kept me
so active.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Why was there like 5,000 extra curricula?
I was going to say the samething.
Right, I cannot imagine, likeand I'm I get more gratitude for
them I cannot imagine havingthe boys at 42.
Like, I can't imagine startingat the beginning with them at 42
(26:50):
.
Like, I don't what you know,but you know, I know everything
happens for a reason.
But I just, um, yeah, I'mgrateful to have that experience
.
And sometimes I, you know,honestly, I always go like man,
they didn't have me younger,maybe I had them longer.
You know, um, sometimes thatdoes cost my mind, you know.
(27:14):
But then I also know, now, onthis part, on this side of my
life, like now, everything iswritten in, it happens for a
reason.
So I'm grateful to have them inthe way that I had, you know,
while they were here.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
All right.
So, like to tag on to whatyou're saying, which is
something that I also deal with,is just like, first, to have
our parents the way we want tohave them.
Honestly, it's our ownselfishness, right, because you
know, like, for example, like Iam extremely grateful that you
(27:51):
know my parents are both stillhere Like, let's say, 10 years
ago, when she had that that fall, I'm like what if it was a guy
saying that it was her time?
you know, while I'm supergrateful, that she has seen all
the things that have happened inmy life in these 10 years, like
I would have had to accept thefact that if that was her time,
that was her time.
You know.
You know.
You know, as time goes on it'slike I mean she's not to
(28:15):
exchange at that point yet.
But you know, with dementia,you know, the brain stops, the
synapses stop working and allthe other scientific stuff.
And then you know, at somepoint, like you know, the throat
muscles stop working.
She also has MS.
That means like the muscles inher body is breaking down slowly
but surely at some point, youknow she's not going to want to
eat.
She's not going to want toswallow.
(28:36):
You know we can put a port inher, but how long would that
work, you know?
So I'm like all these differentthings happen.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
And.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
I know personally, like it's not my call, but you
know I would not want her to bein a position of she can't do
things that she would want to doand she just can't do it at all
.
You know, if that was her time,I would just rather it just be
her time.
I wouldn't want to draw herhead on, you know.
So that's something that wehave to check in ourselves as
(29:02):
our own selfishness, like howlong do you want to keep
somebody here?
You?
Speaker 2 (29:07):
know Well, that part and I remember the thing for me
was definitely a lot ofselfishness, especially as a
only child.
You know, you know we had avillage.
You know what I mean, but atthe end of the day it was always
down to us three you know, andwhen it down to, you know, I was
(29:32):
a daddy's girl first andforemost, like dad girl.
do you understand me?
Like my mama was in the way,daddy's girl, you know, she was
in the way.
Why did she go to the chair?
It was me and you, bro.
And when my dad passed, you know, it really brought me and my
(29:57):
mom closer together and it waskind of like, you know, we got
in this space where it'sbasically like, you know, it's
us to the world's fall off atthis point, you know.
And so, no matter what thestate of our relationship was in
, she was my safety.
You know, Like that's how Iknew, as long as I had her, I
(30:17):
was secure, I was safe, I wouldalways be provided for, no
matter what age you know I was.
And so when I lost her, I feltlike I lost everything.
I lost her.
I felt like what's the point,you know not, not what's the
(30:40):
point of like living, but like,well, I have nothing.
I felt like I lost the essenceof who I was.
I felt like I lost my identityand I felt like I had no, like I
lost my family.
It's a hard one and I reallyhad to hold us lost for a minute
(31:09):
.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
after that I was gonna ask how much you come back
from that.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Honestly like I'll keep it a buck.
I got lost for a minute.
It took I got lost.
I was.
I dated whoever looked at me.
I lost my sense of value.
I dated anybody who felt like Iwas worthy to be loved of the
(31:42):
light and I was in a reallycomfortable position for
somebody my age with a house.
And you know, now I got thishouse, I got you know these call
, you know like this wholelifestyle, but I was just in
pain, you know so, and it was avery uncomfortable position
(32:06):
because I think, when I lookback on it now, I wanted some
type of safety and I wanted tofeel loved in a whole and I
wasn't that within myself, eventhough I may have thought I was.
I was not that within myself,and I know that, not more,
(32:26):
because I dated whoever, youknow, whoever looked at me and I
thought they was cute enough.
That's who I rocked with.
You know, I gave myself in somany ways that if I was plugged
into my worth, I would like what.
But, you know, I gave myself ina lot of ways and then, at the
(32:48):
same time, I went through amoment where I had people
thinking that I had more thanwhat I did, you know, and so I
didn't feel safe with nobody.
You know people that I thoughtI would have felt safe with,
because I felt like they wascounting what I had, and people
that I was craving safety fromwas just like you hear you know
(33:12):
like I'm just a body.
You know what I mean.
And so went through that stageand then I just worked.
Then I was like I had a friendpull me to the side.
She was like, get your shittogether, you're losing yourself
, cause I wasn't showing up asmy usual type A workaholic self,
right, and so that was all Iknew.
(33:35):
So that's what I went to, thatform of survival mode, and so I
worked, I worked, I worked, Iworked my company, I got a job,
I worked choreography.
I still sold Herbalife, like Ijust I worked.
I knew if I couldn't do nothingelse.
(33:55):
I knew how to work and I didn'trealize at the time that was
just suppression at its finest.
That was just high functioninganxiety, depression, yeah,
depression, yeah.
So my depression looks likework and you don't know at the
time who you're getting praisefor it.
You're so productive man, youworked so hard, so you don't
(34:20):
think nothing really wrong withhow you move, right, you know,
and to be honest, I didn'trealize how lost I was until I
got what I like to call glimpsesof it.
You know, I got married andthen I had kids and my husband
(34:42):
will tell you what he sees andhe gonna tell you like it is,
you know.
And so he would see things andbe like yo, you know, and I was
very defensive about it, likewhat, talking about what.
I've always been like, you know, like I've always been like
this, what?
And then when I got pregnant andI decided to just start working
(35:03):
on my ish yeah, that's when Iwas like yo, something not right
.
No, ha ha ha ha.
Something not right, somethingis not right.
I'm not handling life in theway this.
Don't feel healthy.
No, more Like this, don't feelproductive.
The way I work don't feel right.
(35:24):
Something's not right.
And that's when I reallystarted sitting with my stuff
and I'm in a much stronger placewith my healing.
Now, when I look back on it, Ican truly, truly, truly see how
far gone and how lost I was.
And if I think about it, I wentfrom I got lost with my dad
(35:47):
past, like I was.
That did me in Cause.
That was my eighth and thenKatrina happened, so I kept into
survival mode with my mom, youknow, and I just kind of stayed
there basically until I had kids, you know, and I'm still
healing myself out of operatingin that kind of way of being and
(36:09):
living.
I'm not as bad as I'm used tobe, but yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:16):
I mean, you kind of just went from like trauma,
trauma, trauma and you knowreally, instead of like knowing
the right way to deal with it,because we weren't taught the
right way to deal with it.
You just kind of just threwyourself into your work, and
it's just crazy, cause it'sstill when you really think
(36:36):
about this kind of just wentright back to episode one, when
we talk about when you finallywent down when you had the twins
yeah yeah, yeah, I startedthrowing down.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
They didn't give me a choice.
That's why I'd be like I'm sograteful, you know, For my kids,
but now it's not just them, mywork.
Don't give me a choice.
I literally am in a professionnow that promotes and works.
There is a lifestyle of flowand of trust and of faith and of
(37:12):
being.
You know so grinding and being.
You know grinding and being ahealer don't go in the same
bucket, Right?
So it's a beautiful position ofbeing and I'm learning.
You know I'm learning and as Iheal I continue to learn what
(37:32):
that looks like.
And as I continue to heal, Iget to sit with what that part
of my life looks like.
When it comes to losing myparents, you know, in the state
that I was in at each moment,Cause even when my dad passed, I
remember I was in a quote,unquote high school relationship
right when my dad passed.
(37:55):
You know in our mind, baby,real girl.
But I remember the person I waswith at the time had just
broken up with me right before,literally the day before, my dad
passed.
And I remember, right afterthat, I think maybe a year or
two later I don't know how Iwound up back on the phone with
(38:15):
him.
But I remember being in a carwith my uncle, on the phone with
him, and I was begging him tolegit, begging him to give us
like you know to be all in mymind like not quit on us, not
give up on me.
Now I would never forget myuncle snatching that phone out
my hand and hanging it up andlike don't you ever beg nobody
(38:36):
you know to be with you, Like ifthey don't want you, that's on
them, you know.
And now when I look back on it,it just shows me how, how
wounded my solar chakra and myheart chakra was, you know, in
all those situations, becauseAfter each of their death, all I
wanted to be was loved in bothof those moments, and I was.
(38:59):
I never felt I wasn't lovedenough by myself to be good with
where I was, you know.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
Damn deep.
I know I was like, yeah, I meanI will say no because I mean
I've learned that you know it'sokay to still be sad, it's okay
to still have feelings ofemotion, but what to do with
(39:32):
them and how to just like take astep back and just be like you
can see, you can be sad but youcan still be grateful, like you
could be sad but you could stillbe accepting of you know where
they are and what's going on.
So I know that that has helpedme and I honestly I think my
therapist and you too, you likepull the cars, I pulled the cars
(39:56):
up say god damn it.
How did you know my solarneeded help today?
How do you know I wasn't rootedat the moment?
Speaker 2 (40:07):
I think what you said is really, is really key to you
know, like you can Be sad andwe grateful, all at the same
time.
And I feel like a lot of timeswe're put in positions where we
feel like we have to be one orthe other, like we can't
ourselves the permission toLiterally be in both spaces.
And we can, you know, and it'sall about if we choose to
(40:31):
marinate in it or if we chooseto sit with the emotion, let it
pass and then move forward.
We get taught is feel theemotion and then look to the
left and keep it pushing.
You know we never sit with it.
I think we.
What you said is so key.
You know you can feel both.
(40:51):
You can feel both.
You can be disappointed andaccepting all at the same time,
and I think that's how we trulystart to acknowledge and be
honest with ourselves, or likewhat we really feel and in any
given moment.
You know it's like dang likethis hurts for me to see her
like this, but I get it, youknow, and truly mean it.
(41:14):
You know, rather than like Idon't see her like this, and
then you just deny that it'seven happening.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
Right, you don't want to be an S basement.
It's just like you yeah.
Turn the blind eye to what'sgoing on, because I feel like if
you do, the time that you couldhave had, you've lost, and then
you're sitting there with everyregret.
In every event, me like dang, Ilike you know I would hate to
have you like people when you goto funerals and sometimes the
(41:43):
loudest people crying be theones who didn't do nothing.
And it's just like yeah youknow, because that's that regret
, that's popping up.
Speaker 2 (41:50):
And then I was too late because of what's that
person's gone there gone, yeah,I not so.
Yeah, and I mean I still hadregrets, like after my mom, as
you know, when I meant to sayearlier, like what her like
supporting me, the living inCalifornia, I knew something was
wrong because she asked me tomove back to New Orleans.
Hmm, anybody know, my mom islike she would never have, even
(42:16):
if she thought about it, shewouldn't ask me because she was
always that supportive of what Iwas doing with my life, as far
as at least you know not sayingit out loud, you know.
So when she, when she asked methat and I remember looking at
her in her face I can see howscared she was, you know and she
needed help and I was like Iremember going look, give me two
(42:39):
weeks, I will, let me get backto California, let me pack my
stuff, let me sell my car.
You know I was like in I'm, youknow I'm coming home, is almost
like I was begging her to holdon.
You know so, I think so I canmove back, you know so.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
And you know, and that's not saying that that's
the reason why, but it could bea reason why she held on,
because you know Some peoplewhen you feel it that you know
they're there last days.
They want to go in a regret,you know right.
That's why she probably, justlike I, want to make sure that
everything is right between meand you before I let go.
That could be yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
Well, that's true, because I definitely Set with a
lot of guilt, you know,afterwards like I was like dang
when she got the Fibulator Ijust should have stayed.
Like I almost felt like it wasselfish of me to go back, you
know, to LA and try to keepdancing, you know, and kind of
manage it, you know from manageher life, you know Kind of
(43:39):
coordinating with her friendsand stuff like that.
Like I always felt like no,like I should have, I should
have packed my, like I shouldDid what I did the second time
around, which I left all about aone-way ticket and left all my
stuff in LA and I was like I'llfigure it out.
You know, when I get settled,like I always feel like I should
have did that the first time,but I think I didn't.
(44:01):
I either didn't realize how badit was.
They want to realize how bad itwas.
You know I'm sorry I did dealtwith a lot of a lot of guilt,
you know from that.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
I feel like if you did like Would have really made
a difference, though, you know,but that's like one, but that's
like on a whole, like wholedifferent.
You know, we didn't live that,so you don't want to sit into
that.
You didn't even live like it's.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I literally get a heartfeeling on that this morning.
So you know it's and that'scomes with the.
You know you got to let it bewhat it's gonna be and Can leave
it right there and trust thatit all happened.
Even you said I was veryresentful for a while, but how
(44:49):
they handled me when it came tomy dad's death, like nobody
telling me he even had cancer,and then I resented myself For
being like what was I just thatstuff absorbed, that I never
stopped long enough, you know,to realize that it was cancer.
Like I went through a wholething, you know, and I had to
(45:11):
come that piece, that everythingplayed out the way it was
supposed to.
You know and have to, and justhave to trust me that they have
to leave it right there, get thelesson and then leave it right
there, you know and I mean wewere kids.
Speaker 1 (45:24):
I'm like how would you to like pick up on signs of
like someone being super sick?
You know, and I think your momgot the right thing.
By I mean, we're only childrenfor so long you know.
Yeah, I think she really justwanted you to like enjoy the
very short years of childhoodthat we have, so I could see why
she made that decision.
I really can.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
Yeah, no, I always Appreciate that from her.
If she's I mean, she was verydead.
Like my dad wanted me to get ajob in high school and my mom
was like what?
No, she would be a cheerleader.
She's gonna be a cheerleader.
She's like nah, but what?
Like I remember I'd be like forwhat she don't have to.
You know, like I would never.
(46:08):
I remember her like reallystanding up for me for that.
She like for what she she's ateenager.
Like then she don't have to.
Like she had the key.
I remember her saying that likewhy she don't have to and she
wants to, that's on her, butshe's right, have to.
Like there's nothing for her tocontribute.
Like she don't have to likethis ain't.
I remember her going.
She was like we ain't, we ain'tback then, she don't have to.
(46:30):
So I always appreciate her forPreserving and always making a
space for me to have my own lifeand always, as much as she
could, let me make my owndecisions About my life, you
know, rather than telling mewhat I needed to do and how I
should look.
Speaker 1 (46:49):
Right, so I have a question.
Um, I hope you have an answer.
I always feel that you comefrom like a good space, in that
you, you know, never have like Iam.
To me, you don't have a badspirit in your body.
Personally, that's the way Ifeel, but you know, you know no,
(47:09):
seriously, look, this is how Isee it.
I could be wrong, but you know.
Looking out what you said, Iappreciate it.
But you know, sometimes whenyou're outside, looking in, you
can see other people who areblessing up to still have their
parents here.
If you had to talk to someonewho recently lost their parents
(47:29):
and they, you know, sometimesfeel like a little hurt that
other people still have theirparents and they don't, how
would?
I'm hoping, wrapping this up ina pretty good.
You understand what I'm saying.
Um, I got what you're trying tosay, like you know not to feel
a certain type of week becauseother people still have their
parents and they don't Listen.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
Let me say something Listen let me tell you something
you know we keep it above eachother.
Let me tell you something.
You know, my husband has bothof his parents and so for me, um
, me personally, you know, Ifelt the way like when we got
married.
I felt the way Because hisparents got to be there, in my
(48:14):
word, um, when I got pregnant, Ifelt the way because my kids
Get to know and engage and haverelationships with his, with his
parents, and I don't, I didn'twant them looking at me like,
well, where's yours?
Yeah, you know, um, that washard.
You know, um, I have the.
(48:37):
I have.
I'm lucky, you know, as amedium, to be able to just go in
spirit and talk to mine.
Now Also, my, my emotionstowards it is different, but at
the time, you know, I wasn't andI'm not I was pissed and I let
myself be pissed.
Um, I was hurt, I cried late,um, I felt the way, and I asked
(49:01):
for the space to do that becausemy feelings were valid.
My daddy couldn't walk me downto how I was pissed about it.
I was hurt because anger isjust hurt.
Speaker 1 (49:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (49:12):
Well, I was just, I was hurt because that's
something I always wanted and Icouldn't have it, and that it
broke my heart, you know.
And so I say that to say Feel,but what?
What I didn't do, though.
What I didn't do was take itout on my husband, all right,
you know.
So, like I didn't walk aroundthe house like you with both of
(49:34):
your parents looking at, likeyou know.
I wasn't doing that.
But I also let him know when Iwas in that space so that way he
knew if, um, you know, if alittle Underhanded comment came
out that was unrelated, or if myenergy shifted.
I wanted him to know where,where I was, so I could have the
(49:55):
space, so process how I wasfeeling, so I could get on the
other side of it, you know, um,and move forward.
So I say to anyone that's inthat position and even before I
was married, you know, I wouldsee people from getting ready
for mother's day, you know, andPosting pictures of their daddy.
You know, that they just get tohang out with and spend time
(50:16):
with.
And I acknowledged, I had toacknowledge that that it hurt
seeing it.
And then I had to accept thatthat what I was in was my
reality and I had to trust thatit was for a reason, even if I
didn't know what it was yet.
So I gave myself the time tolay in the bed and cry.
(50:37):
On Mother's Day, I gave myselfthe time to go to my parents
grave and have a breakdown.
I gave myself the space to dothat and over time I learned to
ask for the space to do thatbecause I also got tired of
people trying to coax me togrieve, you know, just because
(50:57):
they didn't see me, you know,and it's like nah, I almost like
it would hit me in waves, andsometimes it hit me when I
wasn't even planning for it to.
But I learned to.
Just, I would let it out andgive myself the space to feel
that, give myself the space tobe in that and then pick myself
(51:18):
back up when I'm ready, you know.
And so I say to anyone that'shaving those feelings you can
feel it, you just can't staythere.
Right, yeah, you know, you canfeel it, but you can't stay
there.
You can feel it.
And then you have to.
You have to shift to gratitude,you have to shift to being
(51:40):
grateful for the mission you didget.
Because guess what?
And I, you know, I always say,you know, I have a friend whose
dad died when she was one.
She can't even remember.
Wow, yeah, you know, so I gotto be grateful for what I had.
So I still get to be mad, Istill get to feel away, you know
, but I'm not going to staythere.
(52:01):
I'm not going to stay there.
I'll be grateful for what I got.
You trust that it is a part ofa divine plan anyway.
Speaker 1 (52:08):
Right, because I will say so, I swear y'all, I had
like probably the most emotionaltime during, like, my wedding.
I really feel that way.
One of them you were present,for I see you.
I mean not like you weren'tthere in my wedding, because you
were, but I remember and andeven then I was like, wow, it
didn't have any way how I wantedto.
(52:28):
I still have to be grateful.
Like I remember the day I wentdress shopping and my mom wasn't
feeling good so she couldn'tcome.
My sister was in Atlanta, soshe was there virtually, but
even then she signed in likereally, really late, and I
remember you met me at the shopand I remember I just started
bawling my eyes out.
I was just like no one's here,I'm all alone and I feel so
(52:51):
lonely and I'm just I was soupset and I was just like so
thankful that one you showed upand I was just like, okay, I'm
not alone, like I literally havea village of people, and like
that day you were like myvillage.
So I was like, well, I havethis.
And then like and then at theday I was like well, my mom is
(53:12):
here, she just can't be here forthis one moment and then, like
for my actual wedding day, likethe day before my wedding, my
mom went into the hospital andpart of it was just like are you
effing kidding me?
Like, are you serious?
Speaker 2 (53:28):
right now.
Speaker 1 (53:29):
So even then I had to be like this sucks.
And one point I was like I'mgoing to postpone and my dad was
like don't you dare do this hewas just like you know she would
not want you to do this.
You know, I was like I'm stillgoing to walk you down, so she's
like, she's like I just have toleave afterwards.
And even then I had to begrateful.
I'm like, okay, well, my dad isstill present.
(53:51):
He's still team youth.
That's a blessing.
And then two, it was like she'snot here at the moment, but
she'll be here tomorrow.
You know, not everybody gotthat.
So I had to be like be thankful.
And then my friend who was ourfishie.
I was like I just want to takea moment and recognize the
people who aren't here today andI was like I started crying,
(54:12):
yeah.
I was like God damn it.
Speaker 2 (54:16):
So there's little blessings in that man you know,
there's little blessings in thatRight, right Like my.
What was cool for me wasthere's a picture that I still
have.
My uncle walked my mom downthat wall when she married my
dad, and so I was gratefulbecause my uncle got to walk me
(54:38):
down the aisle.
So for me that was like I feltlike I had a piece of her moment
with me.
Speaker 1 (54:47):
Right.
Speaker 2 (54:49):
You know, when I got to walk down, I was always I was
grateful to still have my uncle, because he older than my mom
and my uncle he's girl, he's 82.
And jumping fences, stillkicking, he still sassy, he's
still kicking, and I was just, Iwas grateful to have him, to
(55:12):
have him, to have at least himshare that moment with me and
someone who had walked my momdown that wall, who had been in
that specific moment, you know,with her.
And I had a friend of mine singthe song my Dad sung to my mom
at their wedding when I walkeddown that wall.
So I can use it as anopportunity to like recreate
(55:35):
moments for me.
You know, my husband got alocket of my parents made, so I
had that, you know, on mybouquet.
When I walked down I stayed twoseats just for him.
You know I wasn't healing atall spiritual then, but for me
that was, that was what I coulddo when I became good with that.
(55:58):
You know, yeah, like you cancreate those moments and be
grateful, just like how you did,you know, be grateful for what
you have.
When I had the boys and I waspregnant, there's this picture
that I took of my parents that Istill have.
As probably one of the onlyrandom I took that of them.
(56:21):
So I remember the moment I tookit.
I remember us being in ourhouse together.
I remember how we felt in thatmoment and I still have that
picture.
So I brought that picture withme, you know, when I had the
boys, you know.
So I like, I like to do thingsthat make that help me stay
connected to their spirit andtheir essence.
(56:43):
Now, of course, now it's alittle different as a medium,
because I just go and spendblood with y'all doing that.
But you know, but before then Ifollow ways to a hundred of
them in that, like in February,I paint my nails red Because
that's the only color my mamawill wear on her nails, like my
family.
Speaker 1 (57:05):
It has to be women of that generation.
Speaker 2 (57:08):
I mean, baby, I once I'm, I was like you gonna get
something else.
She got like burgundy.
I was like ma'am, don't do this.
So I do.
You know I, in February, Iwould always get my.
I would keep my nails red.
You know, in honor of her, inthe honor of her instilling the
importance of me being groomedin that way, you know she
(57:31):
started taking me to the nailshop in Fort Greene, you know,
really trying to teach me selfcare and staying groomed as a
young woman and how important itwas, you know.
So you know also, I encourageto anyone listening find ways to
honor them that brings you joy,that makes you come home and
members of them and that alsoallows for you to honor yourself
(57:55):
and the memories you have withthem.
I like to bait because my dadbait.
I don't like to cook, I don'tlike being in the kitchen, don't
get it twisted.
But if I got a bacon follow arecipe, I still have the bowl
that my dad baked and mixed outof.
Speaker 1 (58:12):
Oh, no, that's not it .
Speaker 2 (58:14):
So when I baked I used, you know, we we were able
to clean it after Katrina, youknow.
So, like when I'm cooking withmy boys, I use that bowl, you
know, and so I'm grateful to beable to even had a damn bowl for
some people, you know I didn'tget nothing I know.
Speaker 1 (58:31):
So we lost our lives in Katrina.
Speaker 2 (58:35):
That's a blessing that you still have.
Speaker 1 (58:37):
I'm grateful for.
Speaker 2 (58:40):
Yeah, I'm grateful for what I have.
You know, I'm grateful.
I may not have them, but I hadthem, you know, and so I'm
grateful for that.
Speaker 1 (58:53):
I just like that, like I might not have them, but
I had them.
Yeah, you're gonna have me seeher crying again, like I haven't
been crying this whole time.
Speaker 2 (59:04):
God that was.
Speaker 1 (59:07):
Yeah, I know, sister's really emotional, I'm
sorry, I'm just always going tocry.
Speaker 2 (59:11):
baby, I'm like girl, I'm so dramatic and I cry.
It's a whole thing.
Speaker 1 (59:18):
Yeah, that's true.
Okay, thank you for talking tome and just sharing your story.
When I thought of this topic,you were like the first person I
thought about, because we'vehad so many conversations over
the years already.
I'm like we can't both besitting here booing, crying.
(59:40):
Somebody got to hold ittogether.
So I'm like she's strong, shecan do it, it's true, please.
I'm like we just came both besitting here, just not knows
crying and shit on this parking.
So I was like she got it, she'sgot it.
So, yes, thank you for takingthe time, because your schedule
(01:00:03):
is super, super busy and justlike having a moment and talking
to me about this topic, which Ithink is just very important,
just because you know, as I'mgetting older, you know the
roles have changed and you startto see like different things on
your calendar is not just foryou, it might be for your
parents and their doctorappointments and what they have
(01:00:24):
going on.
I literally say that I live bymy calendar, because I don't
know what's going on until Imention that my parents are okay
, and then they're right,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (01:00:36):
So, like Google calendar, it ain't happening.
Speaker 1 (01:00:39):
Yeah, if it's not all that, I did not agree to
nothing.
If it's not on Google calendar.
Speaker 2 (01:00:45):
It ain't on the calendar.
You can't get mad at me if I'msure that's really how.
Speaker 1 (01:00:50):
Yes, exactly, but we're just, we're getting regal,
as you normally say, we justget.
Speaker 2 (01:00:58):
No, we need reminders .
We read it's fine, it's totallyfine.
Speaker 1 (01:01:02):
Definitely.
But thank you again and I hopeyou guys were able to listen to
everything and hope you guyshave been out of it.
If you're an agreement moment,I hope it was a moment of
healing for you.
If you need someone to talk to,you can always just DM me.
I'm a good person.
I like to chat with people.
I'm not a therapist, but I'lllisten.
If anyone needs to talk, feelfree.
(01:01:27):
If not, then I hope you stillenjoyed it and I hope you guys
have a wonderful day.
So bye for now.
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