June 10, 2025 • 24 mins
It’s National Donut Day, but men are still the holes in our hearts. In this episode, Kristen and Sarah break down one woman’s very relatable anxiety over being asked for just one more selfie by the dudes on dating apps — spoiler: it’s not just about catfishing, it’s entitlement cosplay. We talk body doubling for ADHD journaling (Kristen’s becoming that girl — planners, stickers, and all), the grief journaling project she's launching, and why these extra photo requests are basically softcore boundary tests.
Then we dive into another letter: a man who ghosted a year ago suddenly resurfaces (because of course he does), drops a weak apology, and now wants to "talk"… whenever he's not too busy having lunch. We explain why you should stop interpreting crumbs as full-course meals, and why "if he wanted to, he would" remains undefeated.
As always: value your time, decenter men, and whatever you do — don’t be delulu.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:15):
Didology Coach Podcast. Happy Friday, Sarah.
You know what? Happy Donut Day.
Happy. Is it donut day?
It's National Donut Day. All right.
Well, I didn't know that. I'm very, very nice, very good
to hear about that. Today is very, very, very warm.
I was going to say, why is donutday in June?
That's dumb. Who wants a donut in June?
(00:35):
I mean, I want a donut. Nah, Donut Day needs to be like
February. It's so bleak, you know?
Yeah, it. Wouldn't be it wouldn't be a bad
idea. And it's somehow the longest
month of every year. Yeah, right, even though it's
supposed to be the shortest Anyway, so I've decided that I'm
going to start hosting lives on TikTok and Instagram.
(00:55):
I might try to do them at the same time for journaling OK,
where people just show up with their and the cameras on me and
we all just either journal or write in our planners or write
in our gratitude journals or oh.This is that classic ADHD
strategy. Right, the body doubling.
Yeah, right. Body doubling is when you get.
(01:18):
A. You can be productive because
you feel like someone's watchingyou.
Basically, right, Exactly. It's sort of an accountability
partner. And while that's definitely
great for the ADHD, I have just gotten so many, so many benefits
from journaling. And because I've gotten, I
wouldn't say I've gotten a handle on my ADHD, but that I
better understand it, I've been more able to stick to journaling
(01:41):
and filling out my planner and filling out my my budget book.
And I've just become better at it.
It's like you're becoming that girl.
It's like I'm becoming that girl.
It's capital T. The capital T it's just to have
this kind of clarity on why I was never able to do this and to
to better understand it. And one thing I I wanted to
(02:03):
impress upon people. So I think I want to know like
what time because you and I havetalked about this even with with
the monthly, the monthly. Zoom O'Brien.
I'm always like, yeah, let's do it at 5:00.
And Sarah's like, do you think maybe?
People have jobs. People have jobs, Kristen.
Yeah. And I have to start pushing
myself out of that comfort zone.Yeah, I mean, hopefully people
(02:26):
will let us know, but I just feel like especially like folks
with kids, like they're probablynot going to be able to get on
before like 7 or 8. Right.
And so I'm thinking that I'm going to have to start doing
these sessions. I might do, you know, a couple
during the day, say at like noontime and then, you know, one or
two a week in the evening at like 8:00.
(02:47):
And. And I really only want to say,
OK, there, we're going to do this for 30 minutes.
And if it goes longer, it goes longer.
But what I would eventually liketo branch off into is some sort
of private group. Maybe it's a discord where we do
grief journaling. You know, I have so many friends
who have lost a parent recently,who have lost a pet or who have
lost a partner. And really, Yeah, Yeah.
(03:12):
Or I'm not saying, and not just recently, you know, some are
from a few years ago, some are from childhood, whatever.
You know, grief is just such a tricky, it's just such a tricky
thing to navigate because it's so unpredictable and you don't
know when it's going to hit you.And it's not linear.
And one way to gain some sense of control is to to write about
(03:32):
it. And I keep saying that I have
gotten so much from keeping thisjournal where I write letters to
Sam and Sam writes back to me. And one thing I've started doing
is having these pictures createdin ChatGPT where it's me holding
Sam or it's Brooke, Sam's sister, essentially the other
dog that would always come with her when she would stay with me,
(03:53):
who's coming tonight. I cannot wait.
Oh, nice. Yeah, I can.
Exciting it is. Feel like, well, I'll get to why
it's excited in a second. Don't enable my ADHD by getting
me to move off topic. And I've been able to create
these pictures. Like one of them is a picture of
Brooke with Sam's shadow, like the shape of Sam the shadow,
because Sam was always sort of Brooke shadow.
(04:14):
And I've been able to, I got a little small mini printer and I
print them out on the little sticky paper and I put it in
there and it goes along with thepost.
And it's so I guess it's called junk journaling where stickers
and you can put pictures and it's just, it's not just things
that you write out. Yeah.
I have just gotten so much enjoyment from it.
(04:35):
And like yesterday was a bad day.
It was bad. Oh, no, excuse me, was the day
before. And I just sat at not, you know,
I just sat and I wrote. And when I was finished, I just,
I felt like I had taken all of this stuff, this heaviness, and
put it on the paper. I was wondering where you've
been this week. You've been pretty Mia, have I?
(04:55):
You've ignored me all week. No, I haven't, have I?
All week completely, but it's OK.
Well, that's OK. I'm sorry.
Not intentional. I did run out of my I ran out of
my Adderall on Thursday and thatYeah.
Oh, Wednesday. Excuse me, same day.
I had the like everything was rough with about Sam.
In any case, I I want people to know the other thing I love
(05:16):
about journaling is it's so inexpensive.
It's a really cheap hobby where just get a notebook.
Yeah. And I know I've started to do
this if you go to the link in mybio on TikTok or on Instagram
and I'll post it in the show notes.
For this full transparency, I'vebecome an associate with Amazon
and I have a showcase on TikTok where I get Commission.
(05:36):
And I have put the journals and the type of the gel pens and the
printer, all of it where you cansee, where you can see it, where
you can have access to it. And I've really tried to make it
affordable, like the notebook I used, I think it was $7.00,
right? And then you can get these
printers. Mine was 80, but you can get
them for say 30. You know, start off, see how it
goes, if you like it. I'm looking forward to it.
(05:58):
It's something I'm, I haven't been excited about something in
a while. I'm excited about this because I
just so believe in it. Yeah, and I just believe in the
benefits of it. So if you don't follow me on
Instagram or on TikTok, please do go to TikTok at dataology
coach and at my character analysis and the Kristen on
(06:19):
Instagram, THECHRISTANM subscribe to my pages so that
you can get the notifications about when we're gonna when I'm
gonna go live and I'm gonna hostthese lives.
So yay, I'm excited. Very good.
Excited. It's good to, yeah, it's good to
be excited about something. Good to have something to look
forward to. I find that that's so important,
right? Absolutely.
(06:40):
Especially in these times. Yeah, especially in these times.
All right, Sarah. Kristen.
We received a letter. We did.
Would you read it please? Yes, I've been wanting to try to
get back on the dating apps again after a very long break
but I'm feeling nervous and hesitant because of the
experience I had last time I wason the apps fair.
(07:00):
The last time I was on, there would be some men that would ask
me to send them a selfie right in that moment before they would
ask me on a date. Which was causing me a lot of
anxiety because they would sometimes ask spontaneously at a
time when I didn't feel like I was my best and I didn't feel
comfortable sending them a photoin that moment.
And then she says I have naturally curly hair that comes
(07:20):
with some bad hair days a friend.
I feel you my friend. As a person with weird like WAVY
hair, we're so jealous of your curly hair.
But I remember I was constantly stressing about making sure I
kept up my appearance and so that I was selfie ready every
day just in case another man that I was talking to asked me
(07:41):
to send him a photo right then and it became exhausting.
I understand that the men were just trying to avoid being
catfished, but it still botheredme.
Fair. I had my Bumble profile verified
with the blue star on my profileto indicate to other users that
I was being truthful with the photos that I posted.
(08:01):
But men would still ask for morephotos.
They would send me a photo 1st and then ask me to send them one
or multiple more. So is it just me or have other
women felt anxiety over this? I have been wondering though if
a man is asking me to send him multiple photos, do you think
this could actually be a red flag?
Yes, not all of the men asked mefor another photo, but looking
(08:25):
back I realized that all the menthat did ask for another photo
all turned out to be jerks who broke my heart.
One of them ended up ghosting meafter the first time we had sex
even though he led me to believehe wanted a relationship.
And the last man that asked me for another photo I ended up in
a year long relationship with but he ended up ghosting me just
because I asked him about meeting my family.
(08:46):
I keep thinking if I had not sent these men another photo
when they asked that could have weeded them out and saved me all
the heartbreak and waste of time.
So I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this.
Do you think it could be a red flag if a man asked for
additional photos? Or is this just a part of dating
now that I need to get used to? And if that's the case, how do I
deal with the anxiety I'm feeling?
OK, this is a pet peeve of mine.If so, if you've got a dating
(09:08):
profile, you've put photos on there, correct?
And they're photos that you havedecided are flattering and that,
most importantly, you're comfortable putting out there.
Right. Anybody who says, hey, I know
you've put some pictures out there, but I want more, that's a
that's a display of entitlement.It's so demanding.
(09:30):
It's demanding. To be like, send me a photo
right now that proves what you're doing and.
Wearing right now, right? What I have a job.
Right. But also, but also they are
trying to get the woman to what,prove to them that they're not
going to be catfished. Sir, we worry about being
murdered. So if you want a picture, I want
(09:51):
a background check. See how they see how they feel
about that. How about a credit?
Score or give us a. Give us a.
What's Iran's a trade? Right.
OK. You want you want some more
pictures? I want.
I want to see your credit. I want to see your credit
report. Yeah.
See what they see, what they say.
See what they say. Because they are.
They are putting you in a position and asking for
something as a test. I will always say this, this is
(10:15):
something that toxic and abusivepeople do to see how far they
can push you. Right.
I mean, I yeah, yeah. I, I think the thing about this
is like, certainly some men are going to do this to every woman
they encounter who will give them the time, right.
(10:35):
Right. Because that's just how they
are, as you said, toxic and abusive.
If I encounter this, what I would assume, though, is that
I'm, I'm just barely within the spectrum of what he's attracted
to. It's like I'm right right on the
verge and he needs to be sure, right?
I'm not 10% uglier. Right, right and quite.
(10:58):
Honestly, if I'm that close, just skip me right?
Just by right. That's the other reason they're
doing it. I'm not really sure based on the
photos that you have. Well then, by right.
Right. Yeah, that's a you problem, Sir.
That is not a me problem and it is not my job to accommodate you
in this ridiculous, entitled request.
(11:19):
Right. And also like you just, you
know, you, you want to be like, you don't want to be that close
to the outer limits. You know, it's like, it's like
if you don't shave your legs onetime or you gain 5 lbs or you
don't keep up with your highlights, are they going to be
like, oh come on. I mean, maybe, maybe.
(11:40):
Right, that's what I say. Like you don't want to be that
close to the outer edge of like the the spectrum that he's
attracted to, right? The range right he finds
acceptable. Right.
This is somebody and This is whyI talk about, listen, I know
women are going to be like, but I like them.
This is why I don't like coffee dates when men suggest them,
(12:01):
because what it says to me is I'm burned out and frustrated
and I don't want to waste my time or my money on somebody
unless I know there's a sexual attraction.
So it's also a test. It's also it's a test that's a
test too. Coffee dates are a test when
they're when they're suggested by men, they are a test and
please women in the comments. I know you like them.
(12:21):
You think that they're better for you.
That's fine. We're not talking about women
who suggest them or women who like them.
No, you're. Free to to like them.
You're free to like them. I.
Personally, people like tests. Right.
Some people like them. I think they are tests.
Yeah, I do too. Right, they want to see, is the
woman going to say yes? Is she expecting me to, to spend
(12:42):
money? And the other thing I don't like
is the coffee. It it, it definitely feels like,
OK, I need you to perform for me.
Not that all dates aren't like that, but coffee dates
especially because they're letting you know I'm not going
to do this. I'm only going to go so far for
you. So you better impress me right
out of the gate. So you can earn a real date.
(13:04):
Right, right. Exactly.
They want you to earn a real date.
Well, I mean, similar to the guys asking for additional
photos, I feel like if a, if a man is spreading himself so thin
and dating that he doesn't like he's doesn't want to pay for
dinner again, like just go on fewer day.
Like just be more discerning then, right?
Right. Like if you're not sure about
(13:26):
me, do not speak to me. Right.
Right. OK, that's it.
It's very simple. It's it's.
It's so simple. Right.
Like don't even talk to me if you're not sure.
Right. It doesn't make any sense no at
all at all. So when this request comes in do
not accommodate it. Do not it's it's it's one of the
(13:47):
bigger red flags they're. I would think so.
They're displaying entitlement. They're trying to see what your
boundaries are. They're trying to see if you
will lower a boundary or or change a boundary for them.
Nope. While at the same time not doing
the same for you. They want to prove they.
What are they proving to you? Are they proving to you that
they're not an abusive piece of shit?
(14:08):
Show me that credit score, fellow.
Show me the credit score. Show me the background check.
Let me talk to your ex. Right, right.
Right. Is is everything functional?
Yeah. You know what?
I want to make sure that your Dick is functional.
Functional. Can I speak to your ex?
We could do this all day, Sir. I'm sure I can find all kinds of
things that I want you to prove to me before I've ever met you,
right? Because of my own internal
(14:30):
biases. So let's just cut out the
middleman and and block each other.
I mean, I think there's a real temptation here to be like, oh,
but on the part of the women, women, right, who are
experiencing this like to be like, oh, but am I being
unreasonable? Like, do I need to just like get
with the times? No, not if the times are shitty.
Right, right. Exactly.
(14:51):
No. Do you see these times?
Don't get with them. No, you do not have to go with
the flow. You don't have to do any of
that. No.
Yeah. So to this person, it is a bad,
it is a red flag. And I, I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't
spend a minute more conversing with someone who after they ask
for your photo, once they ask for your photos, unmatch, block,
(15:15):
block. No, thank you, Sir.
No. Teach them at what they just
asked is stupid and wrong. They won't learn, of course, but
at least you won't waste your time, right?
I was gonna say, you don't even have to like tell them why
they're getting blocked, right? Because that's a waste of your
time. Right, exactly.
The minute they start hounding you for additional photos,
right, you don't say anything. You just you unmatch, you block,
you move on. Correct.
(15:35):
Have we sufficiently answered this?
We're saying. I think so.
I guess I just, you know, I, I would like to hear a follow up.
Yes, I would just hear a follow up as.
Well, because it seems like it'shappening semi frequently.
It's happening enough that she'slike, how do I deal with this
instead of like, how do I stop this, right?
You know. Yes, and I don't want her to
(15:57):
adjust, I want her to become intolerant.
Correct. That is the goal.
Are we saying fuck these guys? Yeah fuck these guys, Yeah.
He ghosted till I reached out and asked for an explanation.
It's been a year of no contact and a few months ago I received
an apology message from him. He owned up to how poorly he
handled the situation. We've been texting sporadically
since and on Saturday I asked him about his intentions.
(16:18):
He admitted he's still into me. I wanted to ask a few follow up
questions because I want clarityand avoid getting hurt again,
but it wasn't a good time because he was meeting friends
for lunch. I told him to message me when he
has time and he said he will because of how hurt I got last
year. I'm nervous to open up again.
I'm therefore waiting because I want this conversation to be
important enough to not have to wait weeks.
(16:38):
Realistically, I know it's not apriority right now and he's
probably waiting till he's back home to have the mental space to
have that talk. So I wanted to ask you how many
days you think is acceptable forsomeone to take to get back to
that conversation. He's on holiday until tomorrow.
Listen girl, I'm not even going to.
I can't even. I can't even continue to read
this because I hate to say this right, but if you wanted to, we
(17:03):
would. Period.
Well. He knows what he's doing right?
He knows what. He's doing right.
And it's he's still very much a classic avoidance.
And let's see, he ghosted till Ireached out and asked for an
explanation. He didn't care enough about your
feelings to give you an explanation.
He just ghosted, right? And when you follow up in a
(17:24):
situation like this, you make yourself so vulnerable because
you're putting yourself in a, you're in a very precarious
position because the guy is looking at it, saying I just
treated her poorly and she's still contacting me, which means
I can continue to treat her poorly and she'll continue to
come back for more. Perfect.
Well, and she has been. And she has been.
(17:46):
Let's see, I like. Her she totally glosses over
it's been a year of no contact and a few months ago I received
an apology from him. So you didn't block him so you
he could still contact you? Right, correct.
I mean, not everybody would block, but I cannot fast enough
when met this out of the blue. Hey, I just, you know, I really
feel like you owe you an apology.
It's bullshit. They're just using that to worm
(18:09):
their weight in that you won't be angry with them when they
start to try and get you to hookup with them.
Yeah, for some. Reason.
This seems more convenient to him than starting over.
Correct, correct. This is we talk about this, they
always circle back because they don't want to put in the work to
get get to know somebody new. They don't.
Want to have to pay for states in order to get sex?
(18:32):
Right, Right. Yeah, That's exactly what it is,
yeah. They don't want to put in the
effort, they don't want to spendthe money, and they don't want
to have to expend the emotional and mental energy required to
get to know somebody. So they're going to return to
someone that they probably weren't that interested in
anyway, and then waste their time yet again.
On the bright side, you know she'll take a lot of abuse.
(18:53):
Right. Yeah, right.
We've been texting sporadically since and on Saturday I asked
him about his intentions. He admitted he's still into me.
I wanted to ask a few follow up questions because I want
clarity, but it wasn't a good time because he was meeting
friends for lunch. I told him to message me when he
has time and he said he will. And then he just didn't.
Yeah, yeah. He doesn't have, he doesn't have
time. He's so busy, right?
(19:13):
He's on holiday, Kristen. Sarah.
Sarah. He's eating lunch.
Yeah. That's why he's off tomorrow.
Right, correct. Doesn't have time.
I wanted to ask you how many days you think is acceptable for
someone to take to get back to you 0 Here's the thing.
Zero. When they're interested and
available, they're going to makesure they don't risk losing you.
(19:35):
Yeah, right. They're going to make sure they
let you know that they're I'm here, I'm in this, I'm
interested. They're not going to let you
slip away If they're truly available and truly feel as
though there's there's potentialhere, even if that potential is
wild. We have really great rapport.
I don't have that a lot on thesedating apps or when I meet
(19:57):
somebody new. I really want to.
I want to explore this. And, and, and this is because
dating is such a cesspool. When we find that spark, when we
find that connection, we want topursue it because we're we, we
don't want we're to lose it. Well, the.
Spark unfortunately is very one sided here and it's it's what's
(20:18):
making her not see this clearly right because she goes on later
to say I know some people will say if he let you walk, don't
let him back in which I agree with no you don't no you don't.
It what not. Right.
But she says there's one side ofme that thinks you didn't see.
He didn't see what you had then,so he can't have it now.
(20:38):
But I'm in my 30s and life happens.
Yeah. Don't.
Don't be delulu. Don't be delulu.
Don't be desperate because this is this is bread crumbing at its
fest. Someone says I know some people
will say if he let you walk, don't let him back in, which I
agree with. Did you just say this?
Uh huh. Literally just did.
(20:59):
Thank you for listening. OK, you're a good.
Friend to me. Hello I.
Feel seen and heard. He didn't handle it well.
He didn't handle it handle it well, which he has taken
responsibility for. Has he?
No. No, he has not.
You had to follow up with him toget him to take responsibility.
Well, let's remember if he actively works toward changing
(21:20):
it, how do you actively work on changing something you already
did? Right, meaning changing his
behavior I guess. I am hoping to having this
conversation. Feel free to share your thoughts
or experiences. You know that this woman is
going all wrong and like she's this is like a huge blind spot
for her, I think because it doesn't even come up.
But she really thinks that they could just talk this out, that
(21:42):
that men's words have any value.They don't.
It's the only their actions, right?
Y'all might as well never speak again because whatever he does
doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what are his
actions. And his actions are saying I'm
not interested in you, I'm just low on options right now.
That's it. That's really all.
(22:03):
Yeah, no notes, full stop. Now what I mean what I would
have liked to have happened is for him to or for like for her
to just like hang up on him as soon as he was like, OK, well I
have to go to lunch now, but click buy what?
Don't start the conversation then.
Exactly. Don't waste my time.
Don't drag this out right wasting time.
(22:25):
But what did you think she was going to do?
Did you think she was just goingto?
Well, actually the answer is yes.
Here he thought he was going to be able to just walk back into
her life and they could just pick up where things left, I
think. It's more nefarious than that.
I think he's dragging this out on purpose to make her twist.
To keep. Keep expectations low, keep her
on her toes. He sets the pace.
I fucking hate this guy. I'd hit him with my car.
(22:48):
Fuck this guy, I hope he never feels a moment of happiness ever
again. Agreed.
Agreed Sarah. Final thoughts?
Well. Fuck that guy.
Summerfest continues strong I I feel we will never run out of
material. Right, we won't.
We probably will not OK, if you're not following us on
(23:08):
social media, follow us on dataology pod and follow me the
Kristen. Follow me on TikTok at dataology
coach and my character analysis.And you can follow me on YouTube
at data LG coach and my character analysis analysis.
Send your questions, go to the website dataologycoach.com,
click ask a question. And if you want the behind the
scenes content, the bonus episodes, the Sex and the City
(23:29):
recap, excuse me. And just like That recaps and
the advice and the personal stories that we don't share in
the public feed because they're a little too spicy, go to
patreon.com/dataology coach and become a subscriber.
OK, which is Warlocks vase valuetime decenter men.
Don't be delulu. Don't be delulu.
(23:49):
Bye.
Didology Coach Podcast. Happy Friday, Sarah.
You know what? Happy Donut Day.
Happy. Is it donut day?
It's National Donut Day. All right.
Well, I didn't know that. I'm very, very nice, very good
to hear about that. Today is very, very, very warm.
I was going to say, why is donutday in June?
That's dumb. Who wants a donut in June?
(00:35):
I mean, I want a donut. Nah, Donut Day needs to be like
February. It's so bleak, you know?
Yeah, it. Wouldn't be it wouldn't be a bad
idea. And it's somehow the longest
month of every year. Yeah, right, even though it's
supposed to be the shortest Anyway, so I've decided that I'm
going to start hosting lives on TikTok and Instagram.
(00:55):
I might try to do them at the same time for journaling OK,
where people just show up with their and the cameras on me and
we all just either journal or write in our planners or write
in our gratitude journals or oh.This is that classic ADHD
strategy. Right, the body doubling.
Yeah, right. Body doubling is when you get.
(01:18):
A. You can be productive because
you feel like someone's watchingyou.
Basically, right, Exactly. It's sort of an accountability
partner. And while that's definitely
great for the ADHD, I have just gotten so many, so many benefits
from journaling. And because I've gotten, I
wouldn't say I've gotten a handle on my ADHD, but that I
better understand it, I've been more able to stick to journaling
(01:41):
and filling out my planner and filling out my my budget book.
And I've just become better at it.
It's like you're becoming that girl.
It's like I'm becoming that girl.
It's capital T. The capital T it's just to have
this kind of clarity on why I was never able to do this and to
to better understand it. And one thing I I wanted to
(02:03):
impress upon people. So I think I want to know like
what time because you and I havetalked about this even with with
the monthly, the monthly. Zoom O'Brien.
I'm always like, yeah, let's do it at 5:00.
And Sarah's like, do you think maybe?
People have jobs. People have jobs, Kristen.
Yeah. And I have to start pushing
myself out of that comfort zone.Yeah, I mean, hopefully people
(02:26):
will let us know, but I just feel like especially like folks
with kids, like they're probablynot going to be able to get on
before like 7 or 8. Right.
And so I'm thinking that I'm going to have to start doing
these sessions. I might do, you know, a couple
during the day, say at like noontime and then, you know, one or
two a week in the evening at like 8:00.
(02:47):
And. And I really only want to say,
OK, there, we're going to do this for 30 minutes.
And if it goes longer, it goes longer.
But what I would eventually liketo branch off into is some sort
of private group. Maybe it's a discord where we do
grief journaling. You know, I have so many friends
who have lost a parent recently,who have lost a pet or who have
lost a partner. And really, Yeah, Yeah.
(03:12):
Or I'm not saying, and not just recently, you know, some are
from a few years ago, some are from childhood, whatever.
You know, grief is just such a tricky, it's just such a tricky
thing to navigate because it's so unpredictable and you don't
know when it's going to hit you.And it's not linear.
And one way to gain some sense of control is to to write about
(03:32):
it. And I keep saying that I have
gotten so much from keeping thisjournal where I write letters to
Sam and Sam writes back to me. And one thing I've started doing
is having these pictures createdin ChatGPT where it's me holding
Sam or it's Brooke, Sam's sister, essentially the other
dog that would always come with her when she would stay with me,
(03:53):
who's coming tonight. I cannot wait.
Oh, nice. Yeah, I can.
Exciting it is. Feel like, well, I'll get to why
it's excited in a second. Don't enable my ADHD by getting
me to move off topic. And I've been able to create
these pictures. Like one of them is a picture of
Brooke with Sam's shadow, like the shape of Sam the shadow,
because Sam was always sort of Brooke shadow.
(04:14):
And I've been able to, I got a little small mini printer and I
print them out on the little sticky paper and I put it in
there and it goes along with thepost.
And it's so I guess it's called junk journaling where stickers
and you can put pictures and it's just, it's not just things
that you write out. Yeah.
I have just gotten so much enjoyment from it.
(04:35):
And like yesterday was a bad day.
It was bad. Oh, no, excuse me, was the day
before. And I just sat at not, you know,
I just sat and I wrote. And when I was finished, I just,
I felt like I had taken all of this stuff, this heaviness, and
put it on the paper. I was wondering where you've
been this week. You've been pretty Mia, have I?
(04:55):
You've ignored me all week. No, I haven't, have I?
All week completely, but it's OK.
Well, that's OK. I'm sorry.
Not intentional. I did run out of my I ran out of
my Adderall on Thursday and thatYeah.
Oh, Wednesday. Excuse me, same day.
I had the like everything was rough with about Sam.
In any case, I I want people to know the other thing I love
(05:16):
about journaling is it's so inexpensive.
It's a really cheap hobby where just get a notebook.
Yeah. And I know I've started to do
this if you go to the link in mybio on TikTok or on Instagram
and I'll post it in the show notes.
For this full transparency, I'vebecome an associate with Amazon
and I have a showcase on TikTok where I get Commission.
(05:36):
And I have put the journals and the type of the gel pens and the
printer, all of it where you cansee, where you can see it, where
you can have access to it. And I've really tried to make it
affordable, like the notebook I used, I think it was $7.00,
right? And then you can get these
printers. Mine was 80, but you can get
them for say 30. You know, start off, see how it
goes, if you like it. I'm looking forward to it.
(05:58):
It's something I'm, I haven't been excited about something in
a while. I'm excited about this because I
just so believe in it. Yeah, and I just believe in the
benefits of it. So if you don't follow me on
Instagram or on TikTok, please do go to TikTok at dataology
coach and at my character analysis and the Kristen on
(06:19):
Instagram, THECHRISTANM subscribe to my pages so that
you can get the notifications about when we're gonna when I'm
gonna go live and I'm gonna hostthese lives.
So yay, I'm excited. Very good.
Excited. It's good to, yeah, it's good to
be excited about something. Good to have something to look
forward to. I find that that's so important,
right? Absolutely.
(06:40):
Especially in these times. Yeah, especially in these times.
All right, Sarah. Kristen.
We received a letter. We did.
Would you read it please? Yes, I've been wanting to try to
get back on the dating apps again after a very long break
but I'm feeling nervous and hesitant because of the
experience I had last time I wason the apps fair.
(07:00):
The last time I was on, there would be some men that would ask
me to send them a selfie right in that moment before they would
ask me on a date. Which was causing me a lot of
anxiety because they would sometimes ask spontaneously at a
time when I didn't feel like I was my best and I didn't feel
comfortable sending them a photoin that moment.
And then she says I have naturally curly hair that comes
(07:20):
with some bad hair days a friend.
I feel you my friend. As a person with weird like WAVY
hair, we're so jealous of your curly hair.
But I remember I was constantly stressing about making sure I
kept up my appearance and so that I was selfie ready every
day just in case another man that I was talking to asked me
(07:41):
to send him a photo right then and it became exhausting.
I understand that the men were just trying to avoid being
catfished, but it still botheredme.
Fair. I had my Bumble profile verified
with the blue star on my profileto indicate to other users that
I was being truthful with the photos that I posted.
(08:01):
But men would still ask for morephotos.
They would send me a photo 1st and then ask me to send them one
or multiple more. So is it just me or have other
women felt anxiety over this? I have been wondering though if
a man is asking me to send him multiple photos, do you think
this could actually be a red flag?
Yes, not all of the men asked mefor another photo, but looking
(08:25):
back I realized that all the menthat did ask for another photo
all turned out to be jerks who broke my heart.
One of them ended up ghosting meafter the first time we had sex
even though he led me to believehe wanted a relationship.
And the last man that asked me for another photo I ended up in
a year long relationship with but he ended up ghosting me just
because I asked him about meeting my family.
(08:46):
I keep thinking if I had not sent these men another photo
when they asked that could have weeded them out and saved me all
the heartbreak and waste of time.
So I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this.
Do you think it could be a red flag if a man asked for
additional photos? Or is this just a part of dating
now that I need to get used to? And if that's the case, how do I
deal with the anxiety I'm feeling?
OK, this is a pet peeve of mine.If so, if you've got a dating
(09:08):
profile, you've put photos on there, correct?
And they're photos that you havedecided are flattering and that,
most importantly, you're comfortable putting out there.
Right. Anybody who says, hey, I know
you've put some pictures out there, but I want more, that's a
that's a display of entitlement.It's so demanding.
(09:30):
It's demanding. To be like, send me a photo
right now that proves what you're doing and.
Wearing right now, right? What I have a job.
Right. But also, but also they are
trying to get the woman to what,prove to them that they're not
going to be catfished. Sir, we worry about being
murdered. So if you want a picture, I want
(09:51):
a background check. See how they see how they feel
about that. How about a credit?
Score or give us a. Give us a.
What's Iran's a trade? Right.
OK. You want you want some more
pictures? I want.
I want to see your credit. I want to see your credit
report. Yeah.
See what they see, what they say.
See what they say. Because they are.
They are putting you in a position and asking for
something as a test. I will always say this, this is
(10:15):
something that toxic and abusivepeople do to see how far they
can push you. Right.
I mean, I yeah, yeah. I, I think the thing about this
is like, certainly some men are going to do this to every woman
they encounter who will give them the time, right.
(10:35):
Right. Because that's just how they
are, as you said, toxic and abusive.
If I encounter this, what I would assume, though, is that
I'm, I'm just barely within the spectrum of what he's attracted
to. It's like I'm right right on the
verge and he needs to be sure, right?
I'm not 10% uglier. Right, right and quite.
(10:58):
Honestly, if I'm that close, just skip me right?
Just by right. That's the other reason they're
doing it. I'm not really sure based on the
photos that you have. Well then, by right.
Right. Yeah, that's a you problem, Sir.
That is not a me problem and it is not my job to accommodate you
in this ridiculous, entitled request.
(11:19):
Right. And also like you just, you
know, you, you want to be like, you don't want to be that close
to the outer limits. You know, it's like, it's like
if you don't shave your legs onetime or you gain 5 lbs or you
don't keep up with your highlights, are they going to be
like, oh come on. I mean, maybe, maybe.
(11:40):
Right, that's what I say. Like you don't want to be that
close to the outer edge of like the the spectrum that he's
attracted to, right? The range right he finds
acceptable. Right.
This is somebody and This is whyI talk about, listen, I know
women are going to be like, but I like them.
This is why I don't like coffee dates when men suggest them,
(12:01):
because what it says to me is I'm burned out and frustrated
and I don't want to waste my time or my money on somebody
unless I know there's a sexual attraction.
So it's also a test. It's also it's a test that's a
test too. Coffee dates are a test when
they're when they're suggested by men, they are a test and
please women in the comments. I know you like them.
(12:21):
You think that they're better for you.
That's fine. We're not talking about women
who suggest them or women who like them.
No, you're. Free to to like them.
You're free to like them. I.
Personally, people like tests. Right.
Some people like them. I think they are tests.
Yeah, I do too. Right, they want to see, is the
woman going to say yes? Is she expecting me to, to spend
(12:42):
money? And the other thing I don't like
is the coffee. It it, it definitely feels like,
OK, I need you to perform for me.
Not that all dates aren't like that, but coffee dates
especially because they're letting you know I'm not going
to do this. I'm only going to go so far for
you. So you better impress me right
out of the gate. So you can earn a real date.
(13:04):
Right, right. Exactly.
They want you to earn a real date.
Well, I mean, similar to the guys asking for additional
photos, I feel like if a, if a man is spreading himself so thin
and dating that he doesn't like he's doesn't want to pay for
dinner again, like just go on fewer day.
Like just be more discerning then, right?
Right. Like if you're not sure about
(13:26):
me, do not speak to me. Right.
Right. OK, that's it.
It's very simple. It's it's.
It's so simple. Right.
Like don't even talk to me if you're not sure.
Right. It doesn't make any sense no at
all at all. So when this request comes in do
not accommodate it. Do not it's it's it's one of the
(13:47):
bigger red flags they're. I would think so.
They're displaying entitlement. They're trying to see what your
boundaries are. They're trying to see if you
will lower a boundary or or change a boundary for them.
Nope. While at the same time not doing
the same for you. They want to prove they.
What are they proving to you? Are they proving to you that
they're not an abusive piece of shit?
(14:08):
Show me that credit score, fellow.
Show me the credit score. Show me the background check.
Let me talk to your ex. Right, right.
Right. Is is everything functional?
Yeah. You know what?
I want to make sure that your Dick is functional.
Functional. Can I speak to your ex?
We could do this all day, Sir. I'm sure I can find all kinds of
things that I want you to prove to me before I've ever met you,
right? Because of my own internal
(14:30):
biases. So let's just cut out the
middleman and and block each other.
I mean, I think there's a real temptation here to be like, oh,
but on the part of the women, women, right, who are
experiencing this like to be like, oh, but am I being
unreasonable? Like, do I need to just like get
with the times? No, not if the times are shitty.
Right, right. Exactly.
(14:51):
No. Do you see these times?
Don't get with them. No, you do not have to go with
the flow. You don't have to do any of
that. No.
Yeah. So to this person, it is a bad,
it is a red flag. And I, I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't
spend a minute more conversing with someone who after they ask
for your photo, once they ask for your photos, unmatch, block,
(15:15):
block. No, thank you, Sir.
No. Teach them at what they just
asked is stupid and wrong. They won't learn, of course, but
at least you won't waste your time, right?
I was gonna say, you don't even have to like tell them why
they're getting blocked, right? Because that's a waste of your
time. Right, exactly.
The minute they start hounding you for additional photos,
right, you don't say anything. You just you unmatch, you block,
you move on. Correct.
(15:35):
Have we sufficiently answered this?
We're saying. I think so.
I guess I just, you know, I, I would like to hear a follow up.
Yes, I would just hear a follow up as.
Well, because it seems like it'shappening semi frequently.
It's happening enough that she'slike, how do I deal with this
instead of like, how do I stop this, right?
You know. Yes, and I don't want her to
(15:57):
adjust, I want her to become intolerant.
Correct. That is the goal.
Are we saying fuck these guys? Yeah fuck these guys, Yeah.
He ghosted till I reached out and asked for an explanation.
It's been a year of no contact and a few months ago I received
an apology message from him. He owned up to how poorly he
handled the situation. We've been texting sporadically
since and on Saturday I asked him about his intentions.
(16:18):
He admitted he's still into me. I wanted to ask a few follow up
questions because I want clarityand avoid getting hurt again,
but it wasn't a good time because he was meeting friends
for lunch. I told him to message me when he
has time and he said he will because of how hurt I got last
year. I'm nervous to open up again.
I'm therefore waiting because I want this conversation to be
important enough to not have to wait weeks.
(16:38):
Realistically, I know it's not apriority right now and he's
probably waiting till he's back home to have the mental space to
have that talk. So I wanted to ask you how many
days you think is acceptable forsomeone to take to get back to
that conversation. He's on holiday until tomorrow.
Listen girl, I'm not even going to.
I can't even. I can't even continue to read
this because I hate to say this right, but if you wanted to, we
(17:03):
would. Period.
Well. He knows what he's doing right?
He knows what. He's doing right.
And it's he's still very much a classic avoidance.
And let's see, he ghosted till Ireached out and asked for an
explanation. He didn't care enough about your
feelings to give you an explanation.
He just ghosted, right? And when you follow up in a
(17:24):
situation like this, you make yourself so vulnerable because
you're putting yourself in a, you're in a very precarious
position because the guy is looking at it, saying I just
treated her poorly and she's still contacting me, which means
I can continue to treat her poorly and she'll continue to
come back for more. Perfect.
Well, and she has been. And she has been.
(17:46):
Let's see, I like. Her she totally glosses over
it's been a year of no contact and a few months ago I received
an apology from him. So you didn't block him so you
he could still contact you? Right, correct.
I mean, not everybody would block, but I cannot fast enough
when met this out of the blue. Hey, I just, you know, I really
feel like you owe you an apology.
It's bullshit. They're just using that to worm
(18:09):
their weight in that you won't be angry with them when they
start to try and get you to hookup with them.
Yeah, for some. Reason.
This seems more convenient to him than starting over.
Correct, correct. This is we talk about this, they
always circle back because they don't want to put in the work to
get get to know somebody new. They don't.
Want to have to pay for states in order to get sex?
(18:32):
Right, Right. Yeah, That's exactly what it is,
yeah. They don't want to put in the
effort, they don't want to spendthe money, and they don't want
to have to expend the emotional and mental energy required to
get to know somebody. So they're going to return to
someone that they probably weren't that interested in
anyway, and then waste their time yet again.
On the bright side, you know she'll take a lot of abuse.
(18:53):
Right. Yeah, right.
We've been texting sporadically since and on Saturday I asked
him about his intentions. He admitted he's still into me.
I wanted to ask a few follow up questions because I want
clarity, but it wasn't a good time because he was meeting
friends for lunch. I told him to message me when he
has time and he said he will. And then he just didn't.
Yeah, yeah. He doesn't have, he doesn't have
time. He's so busy, right?
(19:13):
He's on holiday, Kristen. Sarah.
Sarah. He's eating lunch.
Yeah. That's why he's off tomorrow.
Right, correct. Doesn't have time.
I wanted to ask you how many days you think is acceptable for
someone to take to get back to you 0 Here's the thing.
Zero. When they're interested and
available, they're going to makesure they don't risk losing you.
(19:35):
Yeah, right. They're going to make sure they
let you know that they're I'm here, I'm in this, I'm
interested. They're not going to let you
slip away If they're truly available and truly feel as
though there's there's potentialhere, even if that potential is
wild. We have really great rapport.
I don't have that a lot on thesedating apps or when I meet
(19:57):
somebody new. I really want to.
I want to explore this. And, and, and this is because
dating is such a cesspool. When we find that spark, when we
find that connection, we want topursue it because we're we, we
don't want we're to lose it. Well, the.
Spark unfortunately is very one sided here and it's it's what's
(20:18):
making her not see this clearly right because she goes on later
to say I know some people will say if he let you walk, don't
let him back in which I agree with no you don't no you don't.
It what not. Right.
But she says there's one side ofme that thinks you didn't see.
He didn't see what you had then,so he can't have it now.
(20:38):
But I'm in my 30s and life happens.
Yeah. Don't.
Don't be delulu. Don't be delulu.
Don't be desperate because this is this is bread crumbing at its
fest. Someone says I know some people
will say if he let you walk, don't let him back in, which I
agree with. Did you just say this?
Uh huh. Literally just did.
(20:59):
Thank you for listening. OK, you're a good.
Friend to me. Hello I.
Feel seen and heard. He didn't handle it well.
He didn't handle it handle it well, which he has taken
responsibility for. Has he?
No. No, he has not.
You had to follow up with him toget him to take responsibility.
Well, let's remember if he actively works toward changing
(21:20):
it, how do you actively work on changing something you already
did? Right, meaning changing his
behavior I guess. I am hoping to having this
conversation. Feel free to share your thoughts
or experiences. You know that this woman is
going all wrong and like she's this is like a huge blind spot
for her, I think because it doesn't even come up.
But she really thinks that they could just talk this out, that
(21:42):
that men's words have any value.They don't.
It's the only their actions, right?
Y'all might as well never speak again because whatever he does
doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what are his
actions. And his actions are saying I'm
not interested in you, I'm just low on options right now.
That's it. That's really all.
(22:03):
Yeah, no notes, full stop. Now what I mean what I would
have liked to have happened is for him to or for like for her
to just like hang up on him as soon as he was like, OK, well I
have to go to lunch now, but click buy what?
Don't start the conversation then.
Exactly. Don't waste my time.
Don't drag this out right wasting time.
(22:25):
But what did you think she was going to do?
Did you think she was just goingto?
Well, actually the answer is yes.
Here he thought he was going to be able to just walk back into
her life and they could just pick up where things left, I
think. It's more nefarious than that.
I think he's dragging this out on purpose to make her twist.
To keep. Keep expectations low, keep her
on her toes. He sets the pace.
I fucking hate this guy. I'd hit him with my car.
(22:48):
Fuck this guy, I hope he never feels a moment of happiness ever
again. Agreed.
Agreed Sarah. Final thoughts?
Well. Fuck that guy.
Summerfest continues strong I I feel we will never run out of
material. Right, we won't.
We probably will not OK, if you're not following us on
(23:08):
social media, follow us on dataology pod and follow me the
Kristen. Follow me on TikTok at dataology
coach and my character analysis.And you can follow me on YouTube
at data LG coach and my character analysis analysis.
Send your questions, go to the website dataologycoach.com,
click ask a question. And if you want the behind the
scenes content, the bonus episodes, the Sex and the City
(23:29):
recap, excuse me. And just like That recaps and
the advice and the personal stories that we don't share in
the public feed because they're a little too spicy, go to
patreon.com/dataology coach and become a subscriber.
OK, which is Warlocks vase valuetime decenter men.
Don't be delulu. Don't be delulu.
(23:49):
Bye.
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