Carrie Bradshaw and the Curse of the Hot Mess Vibe

I’m digging into the difference between being valued for your vibe versus your value—and why so many of us are exhausted by being treated like a mood instead of a whole person. I discuss dating apps, performative chemistry, boundaries, and the subtle ways women are trained to shrink their substance to stay likable.

If you’ve ever put effort into showing your depth only to be reduced to “hot in that dress,” this one’s for you.

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Episode Transcript

(00:10):
If you listen to this week's podcast episode, then you know,
we recapped last week's and JustLike That.
And we covered a scene that my Co hosts and I, Sarah, that we
both found emotionally devastating.
And it was between Carrie and Seema.
And they're talking about Carrie's budding, whatever that
was with Duncan, the downstairs neighbor.
And Duncan has been giving Carrie a lot of feedback on her

(00:32):
new book. And Carrie was talking about how
nice it is for a man to to recognize her mind first or for
a man to see her as smart first.She said she's used to being
seen as cute, sexy maybe, but never smart.
And it's kind of unclear if she's comfortable with that or
not. And what made that so
devastating was first of all, ifyou're a long time viewer of the

(00:55):
show, then you, you know how accurate that line is.
But secondly, because that is such a common experience for
most women, if not all of us, weare often people care more about
our vibe than our value. Now, a great example of this is
if you've ever created a dating profile or used a dating app,

(01:16):
you put a lot of work into creating a profile of substance
that really focused on your corevalues and your accomplishments
and your goals. And you match with somebody and
the first thing they address is your looks or how you're

(01:36):
dressed. Everything that you've put in
your profile. You could have an MBA, you could
have started your own business. It doesn't matter.
The first thing they're going tonotice is your vibe.
And it's very disheartening, especially if you put in the
time to to go get your MBA or buy an apartment or accomplish
certain things only to have it dismissed because someone thinks

(02:01):
a dress on you looks sexy. It it makes you wonder if you're
ever going to be seen for your value.
Now let's dig a little bit deeper into the the vibe versus
value concept. Vibe is about chemistry, right?
It's about having the same tastein music.
It's about witty banter. Value is about character.

(02:23):
Value goes deeper. Value is consistency and
empathy. A vibe is a mood.
Value is a foundation. And a vibe can be very
performative. It can be something that we sort
of turn on and turn off, which alot of women.
And, and this is the thing womenare raised encouraged to

(02:43):
prioritize their vibe, right? Their, their presentation
because they're, they're, they're encouraged to put
everybody else's needs and desires before their own.
And so the vibe is considered more important.
Our value has more to do with our emotional intelligence.
And it's very difficult to fake emotional intelligence for an
extended period of time. Vibe is very much about how

(03:06):
people see you, right? That it, it's very much much
about your presentation, your physical presentation, how you
are perceived on the surface, but your value goes deeper.
Your value is more about how people treat you versus how they
see you. And the real problem with this,
especially whether it's in our professional lives or our our

(03:29):
love lives or our social lives, people love the vibe, right?
Men loved carries chaotic sexy mess that that was that was her
vibe and they liked that. But when she would switch gears
and want to know where she stoodwith somebody or wanted to know
the future of a relationship with somebody, suddenly all that
chaotic messiness that they previously liked now it's too

(03:53):
much. And I, I don't know if anyone
ever noticed that that's how bigwas, that is how Alexander was.
People loved Carrie's vibe or but they didn't, they didn't
care enough to see her value. Only her friends saw her value.
And where things have gone terribly wrong is we've been

(04:15):
taught or told that vibe is whatmatters, especially in date.
We've been told to prioritize butterflies and chemistry over
boundaries. And that's what often leads us
to relationships with people whoare toxic because we're told
that these this chemistry, that these butterflies are signs of

(04:35):
intense attraction. And that intense attraction is
good. Listen, sometimes intense
attraction can turn into lifelong relationship, but
oftentimes intense attraction turns into unpredictability,
which often leads to a trauma. Vibes are very much our social
media personas, right? What we put out there, what we

(04:55):
present to the public, which isn't necessarily who we really
are. When you're trying to determine
long term compatibility, you really need to focus on value.
And often times women with both vibe and value are made to feel
like they're too much, that theywant too much, that they're too
picky, that their expectations are too high.

(05:16):
Please make sure to understand boundaries, standards,
expectations. That is never too much.
And if someone thinks they're, it's too much.
Whether it's someone you work with, whether it's a friend,
whether it's a romantic partner,it's too much for them, not your
too much, it's just too much forthem.
And you know what, that's fine. A lot of a lot of times we take

(05:38):
that kind of thing personally. And that's why I think a lot of
people like to tell women with standards that they're being too
picky. There's no such thing.
We're in a time when our lives literally depend on us being too
picky and society wants to talk us out of that because if we're
too picky, then we won't settle and then we won't get married.

(06:00):
And when we want to have kids and we won't perpetuate the race
because that's what society thinks.
That's what society thinks our value is.
So when you meet somebody new and you want to try and
determine, is this someone who'sdrawn to me from my vibe or from
my value, There are some things that you can look for.
The first one being, do they respect your time?
Are they canceling meetings or meetups or dates?

(06:24):
Do they follow through if they say I'm going to call you at
such and such a time? Do they follow up if they say,
yeah, let's definitely get together this weekend.
Let's let's let's go out Saturday.
Are they confirming? Are they making sure you're on
the same page? Are they making sure they're not
wasting your time? And if they are and they're
valuing your time, that's value.Do they listen to you without

(06:47):
getting defensive? If you offer constructive
criticism, do they take it in? Do they process it or do they
deflect and turn the tables? Somebody who turns the tables,
they've been there. They've been there for your
vibe, not your value. And also, do they, do they
remember things you told them? Are they, are they valuing your

(07:07):
time in the sense of are they paying attention?
Are they taking mental notes so that they can remember things
about you that are important? Do they support your goals and
intentions and expectations or they do they try to make you
feel bad for them or do they tryto shame you for them?
If they're, if they're, if they make light of, of a boundary

(07:28):
that you have, like when you say, you know, I don't, I don't
go to somebody's house on the second or third date.
And then they say, Oh my God, like, what do you think's going
to happen? Oh my God, you're so paranoid.
That's so weird. You know, other women do it.
They, they're, they're prioritizing your vibe.
They're only focusing on your vibe.
They're not focusing on your value.
Someone focusing on your value will respect the communication,

(07:50):
the clarification, and the boundary.
See, vibes are fun. Value takes work, the good kind
of work, not too much work. But value means you have to
really pay attention. It means you have to care.
It means you have to invest. And that's why so many people
prefer to focus on a woman's vibe instead of her value.

(08:11):
And what's really frustrating isour value often gets repackaged
as high maintenance, too much. It's always repackaged as
something negative, right? Too demanding.
And my favorite, too intimidating.
That's, well, I, I have mixed feelings on that word.
I think if it's something that you hear from close friends,

(08:32):
intimidating has a, has a different definition.
But when you hear from people that don't actually know you,
what they're actually saying is something about you, it makes me
feel bad about myself. That is a them problem.
That is not a you problem. Remember, women are constantly
expected to walk this tightrope right where they have to be.
They have to be agreeable and witty and personable.

(08:55):
But also when we want to be taken seriously, we have to.
It's this balance of we have to show our wit and our
intelligence, but also be agreeable.
It's so much work. It's one of the reasons why we
call this podcast worth the waitbecause it's just, it's a weight
that we have to carry in our society.

(09:15):
And This is why we often self abandoned and shrink ourselves
because we're we're taught and we're told that if we if we,
that we should be grateful for what we get.
And then if we ask for more thanwe'll be seen as difficult or,
or, or too much. And we're coming out of that.
And I think that there are a lotof people, there are a lot of
men and there are certainly a lot of women who prefer value

(09:38):
over vibe, especially those people who have substance and
who want a relationship or any kind of connection of substance.
So when you meet somebody, a newfriendship, a new Co worker, a
new romantic partner, what you want to do is vet for value and
make sure that they are prioritizing your value and not
your vibe. You want people in your life

(10:00):
that see you, that see you, not see the exterior presentacion
that we are almost forced to create in order to navigate this
society. If any of this resonates with
you or if you don't agree with it, I would love to hear your
thoughts in the comments and make sure that you're following
us on TikTok, YouTube, Instagramat Worth the Wait Show.

(10:23):
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