May 27, 2025 • 24 mins
In this episode, Sarah and I dive into the internet backlash aimed at a dating coach who had the audacity to admit she married a “nice nerdy guy” without feeling an instant spark — and she’s happy. Naturally, the internet lost its damn mind.
We talk about why the obsession with “zsa zsa zu” is keeping women stuck in toxic patterns, and why the absence of anxiety doesn’t mean the absence of attraction. We also unpack the insidious nature of emotional manipulation, the reality of trauma bonds, and how chaos gets misread as chemistry.
And if that’s not enough? We read aloud a truly cursed “feminine energy” post that suggests sighing softly and smiling sadly to get a man’s attention — because nothing screams empowered like trying to out-manipulate someone who already doesn’t give a shit.
Highlights include:
Why “no spark at first” doesn’t mean you settled — it might mean you finally chose peace.
How unpredictability creates trauma bonds (and why some men count on it).
Why calm confrontation > emotional gymnastics.
And most importantly: you are not a dating strategy.
If you’ve ever been told to “give the nice guy a chance,” or if you’re rethinking what actual safety feels like in a relationship — this one’s for you. Chin up, tits out.
👀 Got a dating dilemma? A ghosting mystery? An “is-it-me-or-is-he-just-delusional?” situation? Send it in!
We’re answering listener questions on the pod, and we want yours. Whether it’s a green flag you’re second-guessing , a walking ick 🥴, or a text you need decoded —spill it. We’ve got thoughts. Probably too many. 😏 Submit your dating questions here.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:16):
Didology Coach podcast. Hi, Sarah.
Hi. I want to talk about something
that I saw in threads that was pretty.
I feel bad for this, for this dating coach.
I think she she got a lot of unnecessarily an unnecessary
backlash for this. You know women on the.
Internet, right women on the Internet, am I right ladies?
(00:36):
But I'm going to read it to you.I want to hear your reaction
before I do. If you like the dating advice,
make sure to subscribe to the Patreon because we post, I would
say sparkier, more behind the scenes content and dating advice
for the episodes that we don't want to put in the in the public
feed. So if you, if you like the
(00:57):
advice and you want to get more and you want to get a little bit
deeper into trauma healing or, you know, toxic dating patterns,
things like that, make sure to become a subscriber, which we
would really appreciate and makesure to rate US five stars on
Spotify. Now, before I get into this, I
want everyone to prepare themselves because this is sort
(01:17):
of it's something that women aretold all the time, which is part
of the reason why there was suchbacklash.
So a dating coach, their handle on threads is dating dot
intentionally. And she says, I married the nice
nerdy guy. I didn't feel a spark with it
first. You know what I get?
Lots of support, less mental load, regularly planned dates to
(01:38):
finish first every time, a regulated nervous system, safety
and security, space to have my own interests and life outside
of our marriage. Companionship, respect,
stability. All of that is so much better
than love at first sight. Butterflies, instant sparks,
etcetera. And wow, did she get one woman
said part. Again, the nice nerdy guy.
(02:00):
How did she characterize him? I married the nice nerdy guy I
didn't feel a spark with at first.
Didn't. I feel a spark with at first OK.
OK so just reading through thesecomments, would your husband
feel good when he reads this post and then another woman says
you settled? You were lucky you picked a safe
and easy guy to be with. You settled for him and played
the game because you knew marrying a man who wants you
(02:22):
more and loves you more than youwant love him usually always
works out in the end. Good for you and applaud you,
but don't get your butt on here and post this to give false hope
and security to women because this isn't always the case if
you settle for the unattractive,active, awkward guy.
Point. Okay, tell me why.
Why do? You make some good points on.
(02:44):
Occasion. Why do you say this?
Yeah, because there are lots of guys that you could not feel a
spark with and give a chance andthey wouldn't, they wouldn't
treat you well. This, I think what this person
is saying is like, OK, you, you gave this guy a chance.
It happened to work out for you.Don't act like this is a
strategy. It was just luck.
(03:05):
That's what that's what they're saying.
I don't, I don't know that I fully agree with it.
I think it's, I think it's an interesting point.
Well, I think a lot of people are overlooking the fact that
she said instant. She didn't feel instant.
I didn't feel a spark spark withat first, which implies that she
did eventually feel a spark withand she goes on to say in the
comments it was after a couple of dates.
(03:27):
Not like a few months, but a couple of dates.
That's a lot of folks are. Gonna get it.
Though, right? I know, but maybe that's the
problem. It could be, yeah.
Because sometimes we don't feel that spark at first because of
anxiety or because of trauma or because of maybe we're
interested in somebody else. Yeah, a little bit more someone.
(03:49):
Just doesn't put their best footforward, I mean.
Well, I think in a case, man, off the hook entirely here,
right? Well, I think if someone doesn't
put their best foot forward on afirst date, I don't think that's
the greatest sign. Would you disagree?
Typically no. But again, in that like we're
just, we're talking about something that just happened to
work out, right? So maybe it wasn't indicative of
(04:10):
anything at all. Or maybe he did put his best
foot forward and she was just like, I'll tell a few.
OK, but when you say it's just something that happened to work
out, don't you think she made a conscious choice to continue
dating this person? Yeah, again, I'm I'm just
reiterating that second comment.No, I understand.
I understand. I think she got a lot of
unnecessary shit. Let's see.
(04:31):
I think. Some of it was necessary.
But why do you feel it's necessary?
Reaction to this was very similar to the first one that
you read. Just why?
Why would you? Why would you put this out there
like this is humiliating to yourhusband.
It's humiliating. Is it?
Yes. I mean, I, I don't know, I think
(04:51):
that if you have the kind of relationship with your partner
where you can say, you know, when I first met you, I really
enjoyed you, but I wasn't feeling the zazu.
But that was because I just, I was so used to toxic guys.
I was, you know, if you can talkand talk them through it and be
like you were a good one and I didn't.
Well, you're just you're describing a scenario in which
(05:12):
the woman puts the blame back onherself.
The woman puts the blame back onherself.
You see what you just did. When I first met you, I didn't
feel a spark because I was so used to toxic guys.
Not just I didn't feel a spark, period, End of sentence.
I don't know many people, married or otherwise, who would
respond well to hearing that because it's hurtful.
(05:36):
OK, I'm gonna disagree with you.I think in, I think depending on
the kind of relationship you have where you can talk that
honestly and just say I just wasn't in the right headspace to
appreciate what was in front of me.
Yeah, fair enough. Again, all I have to go on here
is my own lived experience. I don't know anyone who would
like hearing that and who will not clock.
(05:58):
It is hurtful. OK, well then.
Unless, like you said, unless the woman turns around and like
blames herself, then you might be able to get away with.
It, but is it blaming yourself? If that isn't, that's an honest
answer. I wasn't in the right headspace
to recognize what was in front of me or I was still processing
something that had happened to me.
Is that blaming yourself or is that just self-awareness?
(06:20):
I think it's both. OK.
Well, as long as you can acknowledge it's self-awareness.
I don't just lets the other person off the hook a little
bit, you know what I mean? It's sandwiching the bad news.
Yeah, but I just, I don't, I'm not getting this.
Let's say they're a good person and they, you know, they did
whatever they could to make a good first impression.
Well, how is it their fault? Why should we be blaming them?
(06:41):
If somebody is isn't in the right headspace to meet somebody
healthy, how is that their fault?
What have they done? Wrong.
I mean, what you're saying is rational, right?
But what we're talking about isn't.
We're talking about feeling sparks.
OK, but listen, listen. I think the fact that the whole
concept of Sparks and Zazu, the fact that Carrie Bradshaw was
(07:06):
the one to sort of put this intointo words that that women sort
of that women identified with, the fact that it came from
Carrie Bradshaw should be the first fucking red flag and sign
that Zazu right off the bat isn't always good.
It should be, yeah. I I think a person's age should
(07:28):
also be a consideration. I would be very interested to
know at what age these two met, dated and got married.
She looks to be like in her mid to late 30s, yeah, but we don't
know how late 30s. So I mean, because here's what I
mean. If I were to find myself single
now and I, well, I wouldn't date.
But if I had to date, if I had to date and I had to date men,
(07:51):
yeah, feeling the spark would belike, not even top five.
But when I was dating in my 20s,it was top five.
And it happened to work out. No, I mean, listen, I definitely
was one. I can remember talking to a
friend of mine and saying, no, Iwant like really intense
physical attraction. And my friend was like, dude,
(08:12):
that that's going to fade, right?
That's going to. Fade.
I mean, I think I probably said that too.
And on some level, you know that, right?
Right. Right that that doesn't, you
know the heart what's what it wants especially.
Right. But hopefully when you when you
are, when you have that really strong physical chemistry,
you're also actively working on building a solid foundation of a
(08:32):
relationship so that when that chemistry goes away, if because
it doesn't always you have something that's going to keep
you going. But here's the thing, I think
the reason why I got so protective and, and I defended
this woman is I did this with Don, you know, I did it with Don
and I was very happy that I did,you know, because as much as I
(08:52):
enjoyed him and I thought he washandsome and I liked his sense
of humor, I was still getting that sort of gut feeling like
why aren't I like looking forward to seeing him again?
And it was because he was available and my brain was like,
no, no, no, no, no, you don't want this.
But like I've said, when someoneworth it comes along and you
(09:14):
push yourself through, then you know you.
I I think you end up benefiting from it.
I'm not. And I need to be clear that I am
not telling women. Just give me a second chance.
No, if you're not attracted to him, if you feel unsafe, if he
just offends you on any level, Nope.
Right, that is not what I'm saying.
Right. If you really have to talk
(09:35):
yourself into it, no. Right.
But if you're out with someone who seems nice and you had a
good time and you felt like it was easy to talk to and.
Yeah, these are like the good, except guys like, Oh yeah, it's
good. But.
Yeah, right. Yeah, I, I would, I would
encourage you to give it more time.
And it's not give him more time,it's give yourself more time,
(09:59):
right. Give yourself a chance.
Not about giving him a chance, it's about giving yourself a
chance. I would support that and and
then if it works out I would support shutting the fuck up
about it. Never tell him that's what you
did. I would support that as well
because it's hurtful. I guess I, I mean I do, I do see
why people would think that I do.
(10:21):
I think it just depends on is heaware of it?
Does he know the back story I guess if that makes sense.
Yeah, yeah, I think. No, that's it.
No notes. No notes.
Now you sent me this and I thought it was really, I thought
it was very powerful. And so I want to play it and I
want to talk about it. I never gave her safety, I never
gave her stability, because safety and stability meant that
(10:42):
she could relax and pause and a woman who feels safe might
realize that she doesn't need me.
So I kept her off balance. I created chaos inside the
entire relationship, created fights over nothing one day
sweet, the next day cruel, goingback and forth.
And so she stayed second guessing herself, stayed
working, stayed focused, trying to work harder and fix herself,
trying to figure out what version of me she get, never
(11:05):
understanding, never knowing. And I controlled her by keeping
her anxious because the last thing I needed and last thing I
wanted for her to feel steady enough to actually walk away
from me. The worst part inside of this is
I knew exactly what I doing because I chose it.
Because a stable woman can't be manipulated, but an anxious one
stays locked into a relationshipmuch longer than what they want
to be. So what he's basically
(11:25):
describing is a trauma bond, right?
He's describing A trauma bond and he's, well, he's not saying
that he actually did this. I think it's more he's reading
this aloud, but he's absolutely right.
What I wonder is, are men aware when they do this, when they're
constantly keeping women anxious?
Do you think I don't know? I don't know that men have that
kind of self-awareness. Some.
(11:46):
Are and some aren't. Yeah, I agree.
And I agree that it does benefitmen greatly to to that
unpredictability benefits men ona lot of levels.
On the right one. Right on, on. 1st, on a brain
chemistry level, because like wejust said, you're going to build
a trauma bond. That unpredictability, the up
(12:08):
and down, the jonesing for dopamine, the withdrawal, that
is going to build a trauma bond.You're going to become dependent
on this person's attention and validation and affection.
And when they pull it away, you're going to suffer.
You think so? You're going to.
Well, I know, here's what I'm asking.
Really. I'm, I'm asking do you think
some women are immune to this? Or do you think the
unpredictability is is such a magnetic pole that like, if you
(12:31):
haven't been in this scenario, you're just lucky?
Because I haven't had a relationship like this and I
think it's because I wouldn't tolerate it, but maybe it's just
chance. Right.
I don't. I think some women are immune to
it, but how do they become immune to it?
Be born as an Aquarius. By going through it, but.
(12:51):
Like literally just not doing this.
My dog is not. Right.
But it's, it's easy to say that when you're not in it, right?
It's easy to say that when you're not in it.
And a lot of times this kind of this kind of behavior is very
insidious and it builds and it builds and it starts really
small and starts really slow andit creeps in and you start
going, hmm, like was he trying to offend me or is he trying to
(13:13):
piss me off or. And then, and then you abandon
yourself and you say, come on, you're just, you're being
paranoid. You're being this.
You're. Being so in that moment, people
don't just ask because I would just ask.
Well, what do you think they're going to say?
Hey, are you trying? Are you trying to offend me?
No. Oh, my God.
No, you're just being, you're being too sensitive.
I guess the benefit of asking isto watch how they respond.
(13:35):
Do they do they belittle you or do they like, Oh my God, no,
that's not what I meant. There's I'm so sorry.
The point in asking is there's acorrect response, so I don't
know would do people not ask in the moment?
I don't think a lot of women do.I think women are so afraid of
seeming confrontational. Confrontational women just, you
(13:55):
know, a lot of women are afraid to show men that, that they are
emotional creatures and that they have needs is what I think.
And so they, they, I think a lotof women get caught up in the
well, I don't want to, oh, I don't want to burden him with,
burden him with that or I don't want to pick a fight.
I don't want him to think that. I wouldn't even regard this
confrontation as like emotionally motivated.
(14:16):
I guess it is, but I just think you can very calmly respond in
the moment. Like is it said just to offend
me? Just that's the question, right?
Literally asking and then find out the response.
Maybe I just have been too long in the aggressive.
Aggressive. Maybe.
Maybe I'm, maybe I, maybe time. Maybe.
(14:37):
I mean, I think at this point now I wouldn't even be asking a
question. I would trust how my
interpretation and tell it say fuck that guy and I would move
on now. And I can say that because I'm
not in it, but I don't know thatI would have done that 10 years
ago or 15 years ago, right? I, I think that the, the scary
thing about relationships like this and about men like this is
(14:58):
how insidious it is. And they become.
I think they become aware of what behavior gets certain
results, whether or not like. We were just saying earlier,
like I think some men know they're doing this and some are
are less conscious of it. But even if you're not
consciously doing it, I think, Ithink this still kind of no,
(15:19):
because why don't we all had that experience of like, oh, you
hate a friend's boyfriend, right?
And the friend's boyfriend knowsthat you hate him and he knows
why, and never the twin. Yes, that's.
What this is? I think right, but I don't know
that men are aware of the effectit has on women, mainly because
I don't think men give a shit about women's feelings or men
(15:41):
like this. So they're not, if they don't
examine it, they're not going toknow this makes her anxious And
if she's anxious, right. Exactly.
So I, I don't think they know exactly the way this guy said,
Well, that's why I did it and I and I knew I was doing it.
I don't believe you. I don't believe you.
I think men do it because they like being hurtful.
(16:05):
They let they do it because theylike hurting.
If you. Stay not all men, by the way.
I think, you know, men can be aware of why they're doing this.
Like, if you're still doing thisinto your 30s, like, you know
what? You've had time to reflect.
OK. All right.
Well, I thought that was I thought that was a very
interesting TikTok. Now this, that previous TikTok
(16:26):
reminds me of this TikTok that you sent me this week that I
think we both just got us both fucking ragey over now it it's a
text. It's like written.
It's written and it says feminine ways to express
disappointment without attackingwhen he's being immature or
(16:47):
dismissive. Say with a light laugh.
Let's pretend you actually care.How would that look right now?
Wyatt disarms playful but cuts deep, forces him to self reflect
or expose his indifference. I love that this person thinks
men give a shit. Like do you have, do you know
men? Have you met any men to expose?
His indifference bitch. He already has.
(17:09):
He already did. He already, right?
If he's being dismissive and immature towards you, that is
his indifference. Oh God, what's next?
The next one? Instead of saying you always do
this, say I didn't expect that from you, then stay silent.
Why? It works.
The slight pause and subtle shift in tone conveys hurt
(17:29):
without attack. Let him sit in the discomfort of
disappointing you again. I will ask you, ma'am, do you
know men? Right, I know.
Right. Listen, you know what's wrong
with this? You always do this.
Always. They always do this.
They get one chance. Yeah, I feel like the correct.
(17:51):
What do you mean always? I expected this.
Why right? Because I think.
Always do this. I think the correct response is
no fucking response getting up and leaving.
That's that's the only correct response here, that the slight
pause and subtle shift in tone conveys hurt without attack.
Again, men are not as attuned aswe are.
(18:11):
They're not sitting there saying, hmm, she sounds.
Disappointed. Slight pause thoughtfully.
I. Hate, right?
It's. Written like stage directions,
right? Because it's, well, because it's
just as as the behavior that dude was describing.
I'm always. Keeping her on her toes.
This is the same thing. You're trying to keep a guy on
(18:32):
his toes. Except right, you can't do that
with a guy who doesn't give a shit.
Right, let's see when he half efforts or breaks a promise, say
or or side lightly, smile sadly and say I thought you were
different, my mistake. Then withdraw attention
immediately. Power move.
The contrast between Your Grace and his failure hits harder
(18:55):
this. Would only work on a cat.
A cat is the only creature for whom you you can lightly sigh
and withdraw attention immediately that they're going
to be like, wait, what? Right, right.
And even then, God do it a lot before they're trained.
But it's a but it's a power move, Sarah.
It's not a power move. None of these are power moves.
(19:16):
Let's see. Instead of you ignored me all
night, say I noticed you weren'tvery present.
That's unlike you. I bet it's not.
By the way, key frame it as an observation, not accusation.
So he can't deflect. He's going to deflect either
way. All of these are embarrassing.
Honestly, I noticed you weren't very present.
(19:37):
That's unlike you. No, If you're with somebody and
they're ignoring you, that's abuse.
That's abusive behavior. We're not tolerating it.
Fuck this feminine energy bullshit.
I mean once. Again, if if they're truly
ignoring you, that means you canleave and they won't even
notice. Right.
If they're ignoring you, they don't want you.
They don't want you. But let's see when he fails a
(19:58):
basic expectation. EGI think she means.
No forgets, you know for example.
For example, forgets plan shows up late, say with calm warmth.
I adore spontaneity, but consistency is what makes me
feel cherished. Let me know when you're ready to
prioritize that. Then decline the next one to two
(20:18):
invites with 0 explanation. So calculated and again,
embarrassing. Yeah, no, we're not doing any of
this. He fails a basic expectation,
forgets plans, forgets plans, shows up late.
Listen, as long as that's not a habit and long as you text me
first, I don't care. But no, he forgets plans and
(20:40):
shows up. He does not care about you.
Somebody who is genuinely available and interested,
they're not going to forget about you.
We made they're going to forget plans.
How do you forget plans? You.
Dude I forget everything but I don't forget plans.
This is ridiculous. Let's say when he starts taking
(21:00):
you for granted, EG stops planning dates, becomes lazy
with communication. Do this match his energy
exactly. If he texts once a day, reply
once every other day. When he notices, say sweetly.
I just thought this was what this was.
The pace you preferred stops planning dates becomes.
Lazy communications. He doesn't want you, He doesn't
(21:23):
want you. Why are we encouraging women to
stick around for this bullshit? That that other dating coach got
when this is also on the Internet, the woman who was
like, I didn't feel the spark atfirst right like.
You had you had so many options and you chose that to be to be
offended by my God, she's literally encouraging women to
(21:46):
tolerate bad behavior. I just no, don't do any of that.
Fuck those guys. OK, If you like this kind of
sassiness, if you like the behind the scenes, probably
things I'll talk about in my personal life that I don't talk
about here, like drama that I don't put out there publicly.
Or if you just like the advice and you like the anything to do
(22:07):
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(22:30):
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(22:50):
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(23:12):
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(23:33):
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(24:16):
Goodbye.
Didology Coach podcast. Hi, Sarah.
Hi. I want to talk about something
that I saw in threads that was pretty.
I feel bad for this, for this dating coach.
I think she she got a lot of unnecessarily an unnecessary
backlash for this. You know women on the.
Internet, right women on the Internet, am I right ladies?
(00:36):
But I'm going to read it to you.I want to hear your reaction
before I do. If you like the dating advice,
make sure to subscribe to the Patreon because we post, I would
say sparkier, more behind the scenes content and dating advice
for the episodes that we don't want to put in the in the public
feed. So if you, if you like the
(00:57):
advice and you want to get more and you want to get a little bit
deeper into trauma healing or, you know, toxic dating patterns,
things like that, make sure to become a subscriber, which we
would really appreciate and makesure to rate US five stars on
Spotify. Now, before I get into this, I
want everyone to prepare themselves because this is sort
(01:17):
of it's something that women aretold all the time, which is part
of the reason why there was suchbacklash.
So a dating coach, their handle on threads is dating dot
intentionally. And she says, I married the nice
nerdy guy. I didn't feel a spark with it
first. You know what I get?
Lots of support, less mental load, regularly planned dates to
(01:38):
finish first every time, a regulated nervous system, safety
and security, space to have my own interests and life outside
of our marriage. Companionship, respect,
stability. All of that is so much better
than love at first sight. Butterflies, instant sparks,
etcetera. And wow, did she get one woman
said part. Again, the nice nerdy guy.
(02:00):
How did she characterize him? I married the nice nerdy guy I
didn't feel a spark with at first.
Didn't. I feel a spark with at first OK.
OK so just reading through thesecomments, would your husband
feel good when he reads this post and then another woman says
you settled? You were lucky you picked a safe
and easy guy to be with. You settled for him and played
the game because you knew marrying a man who wants you
(02:22):
more and loves you more than youwant love him usually always
works out in the end. Good for you and applaud you,
but don't get your butt on here and post this to give false hope
and security to women because this isn't always the case if
you settle for the unattractive,active, awkward guy.
Point. Okay, tell me why.
Why do? You make some good points on.
(02:44):
Occasion. Why do you say this?
Yeah, because there are lots of guys that you could not feel a
spark with and give a chance andthey wouldn't, they wouldn't
treat you well. This, I think what this person
is saying is like, OK, you, you gave this guy a chance.
It happened to work out for you.Don't act like this is a
strategy. It was just luck.
(03:05):
That's what that's what they're saying.
I don't, I don't know that I fully agree with it.
I think it's, I think it's an interesting point.
Well, I think a lot of people are overlooking the fact that
she said instant. She didn't feel instant.
I didn't feel a spark spark withat first, which implies that she
did eventually feel a spark withand she goes on to say in the
comments it was after a couple of dates.
(03:27):
Not like a few months, but a couple of dates.
That's a lot of folks are. Gonna get it.
Though, right? I know, but maybe that's the
problem. It could be, yeah.
Because sometimes we don't feel that spark at first because of
anxiety or because of trauma or because of maybe we're
interested in somebody else. Yeah, a little bit more someone.
(03:49):
Just doesn't put their best footforward, I mean.
Well, I think in a case, man, off the hook entirely here,
right? Well, I think if someone doesn't
put their best foot forward on afirst date, I don't think that's
the greatest sign. Would you disagree?
Typically no. But again, in that like we're
just, we're talking about something that just happened to
work out, right? So maybe it wasn't indicative of
(04:10):
anything at all. Or maybe he did put his best
foot forward and she was just like, I'll tell a few.
OK, but when you say it's just something that happened to work
out, don't you think she made a conscious choice to continue
dating this person? Yeah, again, I'm I'm just
reiterating that second comment.No, I understand.
I understand. I think she got a lot of
unnecessary shit. Let's see.
(04:31):
I think. Some of it was necessary.
But why do you feel it's necessary?
Reaction to this was very similar to the first one that
you read. Just why?
Why would you? Why would you put this out there
like this is humiliating to yourhusband.
It's humiliating. Is it?
Yes. I mean, I, I don't know, I think
(04:51):
that if you have the kind of relationship with your partner
where you can say, you know, when I first met you, I really
enjoyed you, but I wasn't feeling the zazu.
But that was because I just, I was so used to toxic guys.
I was, you know, if you can talkand talk them through it and be
like you were a good one and I didn't.
Well, you're just you're describing a scenario in which
(05:12):
the woman puts the blame back onherself.
The woman puts the blame back onherself.
You see what you just did. When I first met you, I didn't
feel a spark because I was so used to toxic guys.
Not just I didn't feel a spark, period, End of sentence.
I don't know many people, married or otherwise, who would
respond well to hearing that because it's hurtful.
(05:36):
OK, I'm gonna disagree with you.I think in, I think depending on
the kind of relationship you have where you can talk that
honestly and just say I just wasn't in the right headspace to
appreciate what was in front of me.
Yeah, fair enough. Again, all I have to go on here
is my own lived experience. I don't know anyone who would
like hearing that and who will not clock.
(05:58):
It is hurtful. OK, well then.
Unless, like you said, unless the woman turns around and like
blames herself, then you might be able to get away with.
It, but is it blaming yourself? If that isn't, that's an honest
answer. I wasn't in the right headspace
to recognize what was in front of me or I was still processing
something that had happened to me.
Is that blaming yourself or is that just self-awareness?
(06:20):
I think it's both. OK.
Well, as long as you can acknowledge it's self-awareness.
I don't just lets the other person off the hook a little
bit, you know what I mean? It's sandwiching the bad news.
Yeah, but I just, I don't, I'm not getting this.
Let's say they're a good person and they, you know, they did
whatever they could to make a good first impression.
Well, how is it their fault? Why should we be blaming them?
(06:41):
If somebody is isn't in the right headspace to meet somebody
healthy, how is that their fault?
What have they done? Wrong.
I mean, what you're saying is rational, right?
But what we're talking about isn't.
We're talking about feeling sparks.
OK, but listen, listen. I think the fact that the whole
concept of Sparks and Zazu, the fact that Carrie Bradshaw was
(07:06):
the one to sort of put this intointo words that that women sort
of that women identified with, the fact that it came from
Carrie Bradshaw should be the first fucking red flag and sign
that Zazu right off the bat isn't always good.
It should be, yeah. I I think a person's age should
(07:28):
also be a consideration. I would be very interested to
know at what age these two met, dated and got married.
She looks to be like in her mid to late 30s, yeah, but we don't
know how late 30s. So I mean, because here's what I
mean. If I were to find myself single
now and I, well, I wouldn't date.
But if I had to date, if I had to date and I had to date men,
(07:51):
yeah, feeling the spark would belike, not even top five.
But when I was dating in my 20s,it was top five.
And it happened to work out. No, I mean, listen, I definitely
was one. I can remember talking to a
friend of mine and saying, no, Iwant like really intense
physical attraction. And my friend was like, dude,
(08:12):
that that's going to fade, right?
That's going to. Fade.
I mean, I think I probably said that too.
And on some level, you know that, right?
Right. Right that that doesn't, you
know the heart what's what it wants especially.
Right. But hopefully when you when you
are, when you have that really strong physical chemistry,
you're also actively working on building a solid foundation of a
(08:32):
relationship so that when that chemistry goes away, if because
it doesn't always you have something that's going to keep
you going. But here's the thing, I think
the reason why I got so protective and, and I defended
this woman is I did this with Don, you know, I did it with Don
and I was very happy that I did,you know, because as much as I
(08:52):
enjoyed him and I thought he washandsome and I liked his sense
of humor, I was still getting that sort of gut feeling like
why aren't I like looking forward to seeing him again?
And it was because he was available and my brain was like,
no, no, no, no, no, you don't want this.
But like I've said, when someoneworth it comes along and you
(09:14):
push yourself through, then you know you.
I I think you end up benefiting from it.
I'm not. And I need to be clear that I am
not telling women. Just give me a second chance.
No, if you're not attracted to him, if you feel unsafe, if he
just offends you on any level, Nope.
Right, that is not what I'm saying.
Right. If you really have to talk
(09:35):
yourself into it, no. Right.
But if you're out with someone who seems nice and you had a
good time and you felt like it was easy to talk to and.
Yeah, these are like the good, except guys like, Oh yeah, it's
good. But.
Yeah, right. Yeah, I, I would, I would
encourage you to give it more time.
And it's not give him more time,it's give yourself more time,
(09:59):
right. Give yourself a chance.
Not about giving him a chance, it's about giving yourself a
chance. I would support that and and
then if it works out I would support shutting the fuck up
about it. Never tell him that's what you
did. I would support that as well
because it's hurtful. I guess I, I mean I do, I do see
why people would think that I do.
(10:21):
I think it just depends on is heaware of it?
Does he know the back story I guess if that makes sense.
Yeah, yeah, I think. No, that's it.
No notes. No notes.
Now you sent me this and I thought it was really, I thought
it was very powerful. And so I want to play it and I
want to talk about it. I never gave her safety, I never
gave her stability, because safety and stability meant that
(10:42):
she could relax and pause and a woman who feels safe might
realize that she doesn't need me.
So I kept her off balance. I created chaos inside the
entire relationship, created fights over nothing one day
sweet, the next day cruel, goingback and forth.
And so she stayed second guessing herself, stayed
working, stayed focused, trying to work harder and fix herself,
trying to figure out what version of me she get, never
(11:05):
understanding, never knowing. And I controlled her by keeping
her anxious because the last thing I needed and last thing I
wanted for her to feel steady enough to actually walk away
from me. The worst part inside of this is
I knew exactly what I doing because I chose it.
Because a stable woman can't be manipulated, but an anxious one
stays locked into a relationshipmuch longer than what they want
to be. So what he's basically
(11:25):
describing is a trauma bond, right?
He's describing A trauma bond and he's, well, he's not saying
that he actually did this. I think it's more he's reading
this aloud, but he's absolutely right.
What I wonder is, are men aware when they do this, when they're
constantly keeping women anxious?
Do you think I don't know? I don't know that men have that
kind of self-awareness. Some.
(11:46):
Are and some aren't. Yeah, I agree.
And I agree that it does benefitmen greatly to to that
unpredictability benefits men ona lot of levels.
On the right one. Right on, on. 1st, on a brain
chemistry level, because like wejust said, you're going to build
a trauma bond. That unpredictability, the up
(12:08):
and down, the jonesing for dopamine, the withdrawal, that
is going to build a trauma bond.You're going to become dependent
on this person's attention and validation and affection.
And when they pull it away, you're going to suffer.
You think so? You're going to.
Well, I know, here's what I'm asking.
Really. I'm, I'm asking do you think
some women are immune to this? Or do you think the
unpredictability is is such a magnetic pole that like, if you
(12:31):
haven't been in this scenario, you're just lucky?
Because I haven't had a relationship like this and I
think it's because I wouldn't tolerate it, but maybe it's just
chance. Right.
I don't. I think some women are immune to
it, but how do they become immune to it?
Be born as an Aquarius. By going through it, but.
(12:51):
Like literally just not doing this.
My dog is not. Right.
But it's, it's easy to say that when you're not in it, right?
It's easy to say that when you're not in it.
And a lot of times this kind of this kind of behavior is very
insidious and it builds and it builds and it starts really
small and starts really slow andit creeps in and you start
going, hmm, like was he trying to offend me or is he trying to
(13:13):
piss me off or. And then, and then you abandon
yourself and you say, come on, you're just, you're being
paranoid. You're being this.
You're. Being so in that moment, people
don't just ask because I would just ask.
Well, what do you think they're going to say?
Hey, are you trying? Are you trying to offend me?
No. Oh, my God.
No, you're just being, you're being too sensitive.
I guess the benefit of asking isto watch how they respond.
(13:35):
Do they do they belittle you or do they like, Oh my God, no,
that's not what I meant. There's I'm so sorry.
The point in asking is there's acorrect response, so I don't
know would do people not ask in the moment?
I don't think a lot of women do.I think women are so afraid of
seeming confrontational. Confrontational women just, you
(13:55):
know, a lot of women are afraid to show men that, that they are
emotional creatures and that they have needs is what I think.
And so they, they, I think a lotof women get caught up in the
well, I don't want to, oh, I don't want to burden him with,
burden him with that or I don't want to pick a fight.
I don't want him to think that. I wouldn't even regard this
confrontation as like emotionally motivated.
(14:16):
I guess it is, but I just think you can very calmly respond in
the moment. Like is it said just to offend
me? Just that's the question, right?
Literally asking and then find out the response.
Maybe I just have been too long in the aggressive.
Aggressive. Maybe.
Maybe I'm, maybe I, maybe time. Maybe.
(14:37):
I mean, I think at this point now I wouldn't even be asking a
question. I would trust how my
interpretation and tell it say fuck that guy and I would move
on now. And I can say that because I'm
not in it, but I don't know thatI would have done that 10 years
ago or 15 years ago, right? I, I think that the, the scary
thing about relationships like this and about men like this is
(14:58):
how insidious it is. And they become.
I think they become aware of what behavior gets certain
results, whether or not like. We were just saying earlier,
like I think some men know they're doing this and some are
are less conscious of it. But even if you're not
consciously doing it, I think, Ithink this still kind of no,
(15:19):
because why don't we all had that experience of like, oh, you
hate a friend's boyfriend, right?
And the friend's boyfriend knowsthat you hate him and he knows
why, and never the twin. Yes, that's.
What this is? I think right, but I don't know
that men are aware of the effectit has on women, mainly because
I don't think men give a shit about women's feelings or men
(15:41):
like this. So they're not, if they don't
examine it, they're not going toknow this makes her anxious And
if she's anxious, right. Exactly.
So I, I don't think they know exactly the way this guy said,
Well, that's why I did it and I and I knew I was doing it.
I don't believe you. I don't believe you.
I think men do it because they like being hurtful.
(16:05):
They let they do it because theylike hurting.
If you. Stay not all men, by the way.
I think, you know, men can be aware of why they're doing this.
Like, if you're still doing thisinto your 30s, like, you know
what? You've had time to reflect.
OK. All right.
Well, I thought that was I thought that was a very
interesting TikTok. Now this, that previous TikTok
(16:26):
reminds me of this TikTok that you sent me this week that I
think we both just got us both fucking ragey over now it it's a
text. It's like written.
It's written and it says feminine ways to express
disappointment without attackingwhen he's being immature or
(16:47):
dismissive. Say with a light laugh.
Let's pretend you actually care.How would that look right now?
Wyatt disarms playful but cuts deep, forces him to self reflect
or expose his indifference. I love that this person thinks
men give a shit. Like do you have, do you know
men? Have you met any men to expose?
His indifference bitch. He already has.
(17:09):
He already did. He already, right?
If he's being dismissive and immature towards you, that is
his indifference. Oh God, what's next?
The next one? Instead of saying you always do
this, say I didn't expect that from you, then stay silent.
Why? It works.
The slight pause and subtle shift in tone conveys hurt
(17:29):
without attack. Let him sit in the discomfort of
disappointing you again. I will ask you, ma'am, do you
know men? Right, I know.
Right. Listen, you know what's wrong
with this? You always do this.
Always. They always do this.
They get one chance. Yeah, I feel like the correct.
(17:51):
What do you mean always? I expected this.
Why right? Because I think.
Always do this. I think the correct response is
no fucking response getting up and leaving.
That's that's the only correct response here, that the slight
pause and subtle shift in tone conveys hurt without attack.
Again, men are not as attuned aswe are.
(18:11):
They're not sitting there saying, hmm, she sounds.
Disappointed. Slight pause thoughtfully.
I. Hate, right?
It's. Written like stage directions,
right? Because it's, well, because it's
just as as the behavior that dude was describing.
I'm always. Keeping her on her toes.
This is the same thing. You're trying to keep a guy on
(18:32):
his toes. Except right, you can't do that
with a guy who doesn't give a shit.
Right, let's see when he half efforts or breaks a promise, say
or or side lightly, smile sadly and say I thought you were
different, my mistake. Then withdraw attention
immediately. Power move.
The contrast between Your Grace and his failure hits harder
(18:55):
this. Would only work on a cat.
A cat is the only creature for whom you you can lightly sigh
and withdraw attention immediately that they're going
to be like, wait, what? Right, right.
And even then, God do it a lot before they're trained.
But it's a but it's a power move, Sarah.
It's not a power move. None of these are power moves.
(19:16):
Let's see. Instead of you ignored me all
night, say I noticed you weren'tvery present.
That's unlike you. I bet it's not.
By the way, key frame it as an observation, not accusation.
So he can't deflect. He's going to deflect either
way. All of these are embarrassing.
Honestly, I noticed you weren't very present.
(19:37):
That's unlike you. No, If you're with somebody and
they're ignoring you, that's abuse.
That's abusive behavior. We're not tolerating it.
Fuck this feminine energy bullshit.
I mean once. Again, if if they're truly
ignoring you, that means you canleave and they won't even
notice. Right.
If they're ignoring you, they don't want you.
They don't want you. But let's see when he fails a
(19:58):
basic expectation. EGI think she means.
No forgets, you know for example.
For example, forgets plan shows up late, say with calm warmth.
I adore spontaneity, but consistency is what makes me
feel cherished. Let me know when you're ready to
prioritize that. Then decline the next one to two
(20:18):
invites with 0 explanation. So calculated and again,
embarrassing. Yeah, no, we're not doing any of
this. He fails a basic expectation,
forgets plans, forgets plans, shows up late.
Listen, as long as that's not a habit and long as you text me
first, I don't care. But no, he forgets plans and
(20:40):
shows up. He does not care about you.
Somebody who is genuinely available and interested,
they're not going to forget about you.
We made they're going to forget plans.
How do you forget plans? You.
Dude I forget everything but I don't forget plans.
This is ridiculous. Let's say when he starts taking
(21:00):
you for granted, EG stops planning dates, becomes lazy
with communication. Do this match his energy
exactly. If he texts once a day, reply
once every other day. When he notices, say sweetly.
I just thought this was what this was.
The pace you preferred stops planning dates becomes.
Lazy communications. He doesn't want you, He doesn't
(21:23):
want you. Why are we encouraging women to
stick around for this bullshit? That that other dating coach got
when this is also on the Internet, the woman who was
like, I didn't feel the spark atfirst right like.
You had you had so many options and you chose that to be to be
offended by my God, she's literally encouraging women to
(21:46):
tolerate bad behavior. I just no, don't do any of that.
Fuck those guys. OK, If you like this kind of
sassiness, if you like the behind the scenes, probably
things I'll talk about in my personal life that I don't talk
about here, like drama that I don't put out there publicly.
Or if you just like the advice and you like the anything to do
(22:07):
with what we're talking about dating app advice, dating after
trauma, make sure to get the bonus app.
So subscribe to the Patreon at patreon.com/dataology coach
because that's where you're joining the inner circle.
You're getting all the extra benefits.
You're getting the community, you're getting the extra, you're
getting the posts and the adviceposts when people write in
letters or if I find something on Reddit that I think will
(22:30):
really resonate with people or help people.
So become a subscriber, get the bonus content, be part of the
inner circle and, and support us.
And we very, very, very much appreciate your support because
we love. Kristen has been very funny
lately. Have I not been?
Very funny lately in your emails.
In my in my text. Messages, particularly the
(22:50):
talking. About Plato Go.
Out for the sub stack folks, they've been they've been very
funny lately. Extraordinarily funny.
Have they? Well, yeah.
Like really? You're kissing my ass.
Stop. It's been.
Very funny. But right, all right, I believe
you and I trust your opinion. patreon.com/datology Ghost.
You also get the Worth the Wait episodes where we talk about the
(23:12):
weight that women carry socially, physically, mentally.
We talk about mental health, ADHD, We're talking about our
GLP 1 journeys and weight loss and body image and we get really
vulnerable there. So become a subscriber so you
can get those episodes too. All right.
If you've got a dating question,send them to
hello@dataologycoach.com or you can go to the website
(23:33):
dataologycoach.com and submit itthrough the site.
I am doing profile reviews again, so make sure to go to
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(23:54):
Follow me on YouTube and TikTok at date ology coach and my
character analysis. What else you got for the bog
witches Tits out, chin up, tits out.
That's that's our worth the waitslogan.
That's how we close out, but we'll do it for this little
bonus episode. Chin up, tits out.
All right, Bog witch is Warlocksdays.
Value your time, decenter men, and center yourself.
(24:16):
Goodbye.
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