Teaser: Do You Have High Standards, Or Are You Just Emotionally Unavailable?

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Episode Transcript

(00:10):
Worth the wait bonus episode, another solo bonus episode and
in this episode we're going to talk about something that comes
up a lot in our in our regular show and it has to do with
determining if somebody is emotionally available.
But in today's episode I want totalk about determining if we are
emotionally unavailable. I want to talk about how we can

(00:32):
assess our own emotional availability.
Because even the most therapy educated, self aware people can
often fall into self protection traps.
So I'm going to ask some questions or offer some
questions that you can ask yourself.
And we're going to talk about why, why you might be doing
that. And then we're going to talk
about how can you get out? How can you break that habit?

(00:55):
And the, the first question I want to ask yourself, I want you
to ask yourself is do I analyze situations or do I reflect upon?
Now, obviously, if you listen tothe show, I love analysis.
I have a whole platform that it's called character analysis
where I talk about true crime and human behavior.
So I love analysis, but I'm not,I'm not assessing personal

(01:16):
situations, right? I'm, I'm assessing of other
people, other people's situations.
And that's the, that's where an analysis comes in.
And it requires an objective viewpoint, you know, where you
can sort of stand in the on the periphery and look at a
situation from all sides. And analysis is great, but
analysis often leads to over analysis and analysis paralysis,

(01:41):
right? You just start asking yourself
so many questions. Well, what if and did they and
what about? And you analyze something down
to the minutia, to the point where you've already decided how
something's going to play out. It's like you've gone, you've
already gone through the, the, the interview, the date, the,
the new, the friendship, you've already gone through it in your

(02:01):
head and decided Nope. And that that's pre rejection
and we'll get to that. That's what analysis is.
Reflection requires more emotional attunement.
Reflection encourages you to assess situation based on how
they make you feel. Did something make you feel
anxious? Did something make you feel
afraid? And the benefit of reflection is
that it keeps you present in themoment.

(02:22):
Whereas analysis takes you out of the moment.
The reason why it's so easy to fall into this trap is because
over analysis often masquerades as self-awareness, right?
We think we're being self aware when we're when we're taking
that step back and and assessinga situation, but we're not.
The true benefit of reflection is that it encourages and allows

(02:46):
you to process your feelings andprocess these interactions,
whereas analyzing it doesn't. Example of over analysis is when
we get a text and we, we break it down.
And this is what I do with character analysis where I, I, I
do a lot of breaking down of, ofwriting and, and body language

(03:07):
and things like that. And that's great for when you're
talking about true crime, but it's not great when you're
talking about dating because youend up seeing things that might
not be there. Right.
Oh, wait a minute. Did they?
They didn't use a question mark.They used a period on like what?
Why are they? Is that a question?
Are they mad? What?
That's when the over analysis comes in.
Oh, wait a minute. I haven't heard from them in

(03:28):
three hours. And typically it only takes
about an hour. Well, that must mean the that
over analysis leads us to come to conclusions that aren't
accurate. That's the real problem.
Good example of reflection is let's say you just came home
from a first date and you say, how did I, how did I feel?
How did I feel when I was out with them?
Did I feel comfortable? Did I feel intimidated?

(03:49):
Did I feel safe? Those are the things we should
be, we should be paying attention to, not, not whether
or not they put their phone downat a certain moment or whether
or not they did. You know, you shouldn't be just
focusing on these little minute moments.
Instead, you want to be able to assess the whole thing

(04:10):
collectively and say, how did that, how did that make me feel?
Way to break out of this is to sort of catch it before it
starts, right? Once you start asking all these
questions, catch yourself and say, all right, I'm spiraling.
I'm spiraling out a bit and I, Ineed to stop.
Because when we spiral, we oftenend up making up narratives that

(04:30):
aren't accurate. Now analysis is all about the
why, right? That's, that's, that's what
critical, it's critical thinking.
It's all about the why instead, if you would like to switch to
reflection, talk about or think about the what?
So when somebody says or does something in front of you,
instead of focusing on them, focus on yourself.

(04:51):
OK, what was what was I thinkingin that moment?
How did that make me feel? What was my reaction?
Analysis is external whereas reflection is internal or over
analysis is what leads to our next question.
Do you find yourself pre rejecting people or situations?
Meaning do you find yourself creating narratives as to why

(05:11):
somebody or something wouldn't be right for you or wouldn't
like you or wouldn't somehow benefit from you?
And this can involve dismissing somebody or something over
something minor, like you didn'tlike something that they wore or
they had this one instance whereyou feel the way they reacted
was a little strange or odd. And you sort of hone in on

(05:31):
rather than determining how you felt based on the totality of
the moment or the experience, something else that is a sign of
pre rejection. And it's very common, especially
in dating. And it's refusing to be
vulnerable or, you know, sort ofpeel the onion and let them get
to know you before you know exactly how they feel about you.

(05:54):
That if you think about it, thatdoesn't really make sense
because if you don't let them in, if you don't let them see
who you are, then they really can't determine how they feel.
All they can determine is how does this, how does, how do I
feel about this person on the surface?
Now, the way to break out of this habit is to identify the
moments when they're happening and saying, you know, like,

(06:16):
let's say you don't want to swipe right on somebody.
Oh, I won't be, I wouldn't be their type or you see a job
posting. Oh, I don't, I don't have that
one skill. I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be a
good fit for this. Stop yourself in those moments
and say, OK, you're you're you're pre rejecting somebody or
something. And these are feelings that you
have and they're valid, but theyaren't fact and they're not fact

(06:37):
because you're missing one very important variable, which is the
other person or the other situation.
You don't know how an employer is going to feel about your
resume. You don't know how if someone's
going to feel about your dating profile unless you take the
risk. Another way to sort of break out
of this habit is to start askingyourself if a person or a

(06:58):
situation is right for you rather than wondering if you're
good enough for them. We should be thinking, are they
good enough for me? Are they right for me?
Will they be compatible with my morals and values?
You can also take baby steps, right?
Micro bravery and this could be standing in line to get your

(07:21):
coffee and smiling at the personbehind you, whoever it is,
right? It could be sending the follow
up text about something. It whatever it is, take these
small, tiny risk because the more risk you take, the more you
build your tolerance to the point where you're ready to take
a big risk. And that big risk is being
emotionally vulnerable with some, but also when you're
talking with somebody, you don'thave to completely peel the

(07:44):
onion, but maybe share one smalldetail, one small detail at a
time. Open yourself up, you know, at
at a safe pace, at a pace that'ssafe for you.
These tiny risks will pay off. The next question to ask
yourself is are you comfortable being vulnerable with somebody?
You might be somebody that is a great source of support.
You're a great sounding board. You always have a shoulder for

(08:06):
somebody to, to lean on. You're there for somebody.
But do you ever turn to other people and say, Hey, I, I've had
this bad day or I'm going through this thing.
Do you have those moments where you let your walls down?
I think especially women, I think we're very afraid to seem
messy, right? We don't want to seem like we

(08:27):
don't have it together. And so before we share anything
we have to, we, we carefully curate that narrative so that
when we're telling friends, we, we feel in control of the story.
Now, the thing to remember is messiness is a part of life.
We're all messy and that's what makes us human.
And I, I think it's a beautiful thing.

(08:47):
You also might be uncomfortable with vulnerability if you're
typically the listener but rarely the talker.