Teaser - Swipe Smart: How to Use Dating Apps Without Destroying Your Self-Esteem

Protect Your Peace, Honor Your Worth, and Still Put Yourself Out There

Enjoy a teaser of this subscriber-only bonus episode. To listen to the full episode, subscribe to our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/c/worththeweightshow

It’s just me this week, and I’m diving into something I know so many of us struggle with: how to use dating apps without completely wrecking your nervous system (and your self-worth). In this bonus episode, I break down what apps are really doing to your brain and body — from the dopamine rollercoasters to the rejection spirals — and more importantly, how to protect your peace while still putting yourself out there.

I share practical strategies to avoid burnout, recognize dysregulation, and date from a place of clarity instead of chaos. I also talk about how I’ve been using journaling — and let’s be real, an embarrassing number of pens and highlighters — as a grounding tool to process the emotional ups and downs that come with app culture.

Journaling

If you want to try journaling as a way to regulate your nervous system, you can check out some of my favorite tools ⁠at this link.⁠ As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases — and yes, it all goes right back into my planner addiction.

Whether you're actively swiping or on the verge of deleting everything, this one’s for you.

Flirty, Fun, and Zero Cringe: TableTopics for First Dates

⁠Table Topics⁠ conversation starter cards go way beyond “What do you do for work?” These questions are equal parts fun, unexpected, and wildly revealing. Think: first-date energy meets group chat chaos. If you've ever wanted to skip the small talk and get to the good stuff, this one's for you. ⁠Learn more here.⁠ (As an Amazon Affiliate, I receive a commission for each sale.)

Podcast Recommendations

⁠Regulate & Rewire⁠

⁠Therapy In A Nutshell⁠

⁠Somatic Healing Meditations⁠

Playlists

⁠Nervous System Regulation⁠

⁠Gentle Nervous System Calming

Episode Transcript

(00:10):
Worth the way podcast little mini bonus episode for our
subscribers. Dating apps in 2025 have become
the rejection Olympics, and so it's no wonder that so many
people are abandoning apps, especially women.

(00:31):
This bonus episode is about giving you tips and guidelines
and suggestions to use while using dating apps so that you
don't lose your mind and you don't completely fry your
nervous system. Before I get into the actual
advice, I want to go over what actually happens to our to our

(00:53):
brains and to our nervous systems when we're using dating
apps, especially when things aregoing good or and things are
going not so good, which seems to be more often than the good
times. Unfortunately, now it's not news
to anybody, especially if you listen to Worth the Wait.
Then you know that dopamine surges are very common with

(01:16):
dating apps. It's it's what keeps us coming
back to them. Every time we get a match, every
time we see a profile of something that we like, we get
that surge of dopamine. The problem is that these apps,
the the rewards are so inconsistent that we start to
chase that dopamine hit because we've become dependent on that

(01:39):
surge that we feel when we produce that dopamine.
Basically, you begin to anticipate the feeling of the
reward. You become dependent on the
anticipation of the reward, but not the reward itself.
When things are going well, you're feeling great, the

(01:59):
dopamine's flowing, you're happy, your reward centers
popping off. Everything's great.
But anybody who's used a dating app knows that the good times,
they, they just never last for long.
Because so many people have beenburnt by dating apps, they're,
they're investing the very bare minimum, which means they are

(02:21):
not scrolling through your full profile, they're not reading it
closely, they're not really committing any of it to memory.
And as a result, you're matchingwith people who really don't
know anything about you until you start exchanging messages.
And only then are they willing to invest more time into the

(02:42):
process. And what does that lead to?
Well, that leads to matching with people getting that hit of
dopamine and then sending them amessage or having them send you
a message and you respond and you might even exchange a couple
of messages and then nothing. And that's usually because
either they're still on the app because they've made a match,

(03:03):
they've got that dopamine surge.They, they're going to keep
chasing it. They're going to keep swiping
and they're just going to keep messaging with people and
bailing out of previous conversations out of some fear
of missing out. Or they're finally going to go
through your profile and say, oh, geez, they have a cat, they
have a dog and I'm allergic. Or oh, this person sounds like

(03:24):
she has standards and I don't know that I want to deal with
that right now. And then they disappear.
That ends up causing confusion and hurt and more confusion
because you start questioning yourself.
Was it something that I did? See, I've said this in many
pieces of content that I've created.
Our brains adore puzzles, and it's because our brains crave

(03:47):
familiarity, like our brains like what they know.
And so when we encounter a mystery, a puzzle, some sort of
unanswered question, we try to figure it out and we end up
seeking that answer externally rather than saying that's not
about me. They didn't reject me.

(04:08):
They rejected A1 dimensional representation of me.
And that's OK. That doesn't mean that there
isn't someone out there for me, because there is.
We typically don't do that. Instead we think, oh, they
didn't find me attractive. Oh, what did I say?
And so that's when the chipping away at our self esteem starts.

(04:30):
If that happens enough, and we all know that it does, what ends
up happening is you now are in this sort of perpetual state of
fight or flight because every time you make a match that
doesn't go anywhere that the person go shoe or stand you up
on a date. The more that stuff happens, the
more apprehensive you become, the more triggered you become

(04:53):
when you do make a match. And now you're in this, you're
just constantly being hyper vigilant.
And what happens when we're hyper vigilant?
We produce or over produce. Cortisol keeps our nervous
system on edge. And what can that lead to?
Stress, brain fog? Disrupted sleep Dating apps can
cause the most securely attachedperson to develop an insecure

(05:18):
attachment or an avoided attachment.
And I do feel as though that is part of the reason.
One of many reasons why dating apps have become so fraught is
because people are so burnt and they're so hesitant that they're
not as willing to take a risk anymore.
And the and, and they're very shut down now.

(05:39):
This overproduction of cortisol that leads to dysregulation.
You become emotionally dysregulated.
You go from getting that match and feeling that high,
exchanging messages, having somebody ghost, and you'll go
from the high high to the low, low.
With dating apps, that happens pretty frequently.

(05:59):
And So what what that leads to is you're sort of on an
emotional roller coaster. I give a big shout out to my
ADHD and rejection sensitivity and my anxious attachment
listeners because this kind of dysregulation, everything flares
up, right? And it and it affects how it

(06:19):
affects our ability. It affects our executive
functioning, it affects our ability to think clearly and
very often the constant roller coaster, the UPS and the downs
and the rejection that can tear open attachment wounds or
abandonment wounds. And I'm not kidding when I say

(06:40):
that I, I believe that dating apps and dating into.
And in these times, it really does create a, a very unique
form of trauma. And as a result, PTSD.
And the final phase here of of this dysregulation is you become
you get overwhelmed, you get over stimulated and you become
numb and you no longer you no longer enjoy the process.

(07:06):
You no longer look forward to meeting somebody or talking with
somebody. You're so burnt out from this
process that it's become very difficult for you to generate
any kind of positive emotion. And then you just end up in this
constant state of exhaustion andself doubt.

(07:27):
This episode is to help you avoid all of that, give you some
steps that you can take to protect yourself esteem and
maintain a regulated nervous system.
And you're going to start by setting boundaries for these
apps. May that by and by that I mean

(07:52):
set a specific time frame that you're going to use these apps.
You can be however long you want.
I recommend that you use these apps in in short spurts, say for
15 to 20 minutes. I would also decide to only be

(08:13):
active on these apps two or three days a week.
And I suggest that because that's going to help you from
from developing a dependency on those dopamine surges.
Now as I've said, the algorithm watches our behavior.
OI would log in every day, maybego in, update something in your

(08:36):
profile, add something, change something, whatever.
Show activity on the app that doesn't involve messaging or
swiping, just so that the algorithm knows, OK, this
person's here, this person's showing up every day.
Most importantly, you need to decide that when you start

(08:56):
feeling that overwhelm, if you start feeling dysregulated in
any way, if you are, do you feelanxious?
Are you feeling sad? Anytime you feel that those
emotions start to creep in, you need to promise yourself that
you are going to put the app down and you're going to walk

(09:17):
away and do something good for yourself.
And you need to stick to that promise because a lot of times
we push ourselves through something, you know, we're
always told, well, the only way out is through.
God bless. I don't disagree with that.
But there are times, and again, anybody with ADHD knows this,

(09:38):
when your executive functioning is kind of not doing great and
you say, oh, I'm going to, I'm going to go start that project.
Sometimes you you kind of have to meet yourself where you are.