December 3, 2025 • 42 mins
Ever cried reading your own poem on mic? Rachel did. And Kayla cried too, because friendship.
And then Jessie Wingate blew our minds with The Beholden.
And THEN Kayla read the full #VanLife you’ve all been asking for... wink wink... okay, maybe only Reka.
This description isn't A.I. Okay it was only partly written by ChatGPT. I came up with the wink wink thing... I know... pretty good. The first sentence is obviously A.I. lol (Kayla)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_02 (00:00):
Write your heart out.
SPEAKER_01 (00:07):
Hi, I'm Kayla Ogden and I'm Rachel Sarah.
And this is Write Your HeartOut.
Story time.
Story time.
Woohoo! Yes.
So today, first we're gonnastart with Rachel.
It's the first poem that shewrote for that class that she
was taking.
Yes.
Then my friend who has a penname now, her name is Jessie
(00:30):
Wingate.
She gave us a poem and she readit herself, which is Extra
Points, and it's called TheBeholden.
Very cool.
And then I'm gonna read my storycalled hashtag Van Life.
We talked about this in aprevious episode, like at the
beginning of the pod.
SPEAKER_02 (00:50):
Yeah, and you gave like a little excerpt.
Like you had you had read a tinypiece of it.
SPEAKER_01 (00:55):
Yes, I read a piece of it because okay, so this is
the episode called ChallengeAccepted, I think.
SPEAKER_02 (01:03):
It was after Larry, and then we were starting to
like take prompt things.
Oh.
But I don't think you wereprompted for that one.
You just I don't remember whatwhy you wrote that one.
It was that it's good.
I can't wait to hear again.
SPEAKER_01 (01:15):
Why I wrote it, but I know that after I wrote it, I
read it to my husband, and thenhe gave me feedback that I guess
I didn't like.
So then we went to Rachel'shusband and we recorded again
giving different feedback that Iwanted.
And then we like played herhusband.
It was like we pitted ourhusbands against each other.
(01:35):
I think it was in ChallengeAccepted.
I think you're right.
So um I guess a little I can Ican talk about it a little bit
more once we get to the end,because I'm gonna read mine at
the end.
I just know that our friend Rekalistened to that episode and she
was she reached out and she'slike, Kayla, can I read the
whole thing?
And then I sent it to her, whichwas really sweet.
So I'm like, oh, maybe someoneelse would want to hear the
(01:57):
whole thing too.
SPEAKER_02 (01:58):
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I love hearing it.
I I've I've read it at least acouple times.
I like it.
It's one of it's a good shortstory.
SPEAKER_01 (02:05):
I think it's my favorite short story that I've
written, and I've written maybethree.
Yeah.
So I want to hear about thereason why you wrote this poem
and you know what your professorhad to say about it when you
wrote it.
SPEAKER_02 (02:18):
So this was um, this is like when I was first
starting the class, I learnedthat we were starting with
poetry, and I remember likegroaning in my head because I
was like, ugh, poetry, as I'veshared.
I was like, this is the worstsituation ever.
It was six weeks of poetry.
This is gonna be torture.
Whoa, six weeks.
Yeah, it was a good it was agood chunk of poetry, the first
(02:40):
half.
So we like dove in and uhProfessor Tim, his name is Tim,
he was great and he was like,you know, I don't expect, you
know, a polished piece of work.
What we're gonna do is startwith something called mind
mapping.
And I found this technique ofmind mapping so helpful.
And obviously, it wouldn't workfor all types of poetry because
(03:02):
it seems as though poetry has tocome to you like really from
within.
Okay, you know, but this was agreat technique for me, the way
he taught it.
So it was this mind mapping, andhe made these but like a bubble
graph, right?
SPEAKER_01 (03:16):
So yeah, those are yeah, yeah, and it was really
great.
SPEAKER_02 (03:20):
So he had us pair up with another person, and I was
paired up with this guy, and heis like an he was like an older,
um, I want to say he wasIsraeli, uh, he is definitely in
his 60s.
He was a really sweet guy, andhe was taking this as like a
retirement project.
Like he was just taking theclass for funsies.
So at first, like we're supposedto ask each other questions like
(03:40):
what are the four things, thefour major plot turning points
in your life, a time in yourlife that changed everything.
And like, so we went back andforth and talked about it.
And at the time, I was like, AmI gonna have to write a poem
about this dude?
He didn't tell us where we weregoing with what this
conversation was, but we weresupposed to like take notes
about it, right?
SPEAKER_01 (03:57):
Wait, you thought you'd have to write a poem about
the old guy in his class?
SPEAKER_02 (04:02):
Oh dude.
So then that would be crazy.
And we have like five minutes tolike talk to each other about
these these pivotal points inour lives.
He goes, Okay, everyone.
Now who cares what that personsaid?
What did you talk about?
And what I ended up talkingabout was uh when I sold my
bakery.
So, you know, you write in thefirst bubble selling the bakery,
(04:24):
you know.
Then he gave specific pointsthat you had to work off of.
So something that you saw everyday during this point.
And it could be, you know, itcould be just one thing or it
could be a few things.
Oh.
Um, so I had chosen thispainting on my because every day
I would see this painting on mywall that I have of uh Wayne
Tivald's cakes is like all thedifferent slices of cake.
(04:46):
Uh then something that you wouldhear, like a song or like birds
trip, you know, whatever it is.
And I had just put a specificsong and or podcasts is what my
bubble said.
And then something spiritualthat was during that pivotal
point of your life.
And so then you break off andput another little bubble that
says spiritual, and you know, soyour What was your spiritual
(05:08):
thing?
At the time, I had really,really, really loved hiking with
my friends, and I didn't call itthat, but I really felt like
that was kind of my version ofchurch, or like we would go on
the weekends with our dogs, andit was just like the most
peaceful, incredible feeling,and I still very much feel that
(05:30):
way when I'm out like on a hike.
Like that's my idea of likebeing as close to God.
If I don't think I reallysubscribe to religion in any
way, but that would be myclosest to it.
So at the time of selling mybakery, I didn't have any of
that anymore.
I wasn't able to go on hikesanymore.
Um, I all of that had gotten soconsumed with being able to run
(05:52):
this business.
Um, my spiritual piece in theand you'll hear in the poem
comes back to like wanting to beout there again and like being
able to do those things.
Okay.
Um, so then like something youuh let's see, like a room that
you were in often, and then Ihad chosen the living room of my
house.
SPEAKER_01 (06:10):
Oh, so it's just during that time.
It's not necessarily whileyou're at the bakery.
SPEAKER_02 (06:15):
Right.
So some people were very, veryspecific.
SPEAKER_01 (06:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (06:19):
But because of it, this poem you'll hear is about
the decision to sell the bakeryand like how that was so
pivotal.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (06:26):
So it was it's a little bit more of like a you'll
see, you kind of holistic umview of like your whole life at
that time, it sounds like.
But I like this.
It's like you um, I'm just gonnakind of recap, I guess, what
you're saying is um you createone of those mind maps or bubble
maps where in the center you putthis really pivotal turning
(06:49):
point in your life, and then youdraw a line with another bubble,
and then that one has spiritualalign with another bubble,
something you saw, and thensomething you heard.
Then you create little bubblesoutside of that.
Exactly.
Each of these things that yourprofessor said.
So then what were the were thereother ones?
SPEAKER_02 (07:06):
There was one was like, What do you see when you
look in the mirror during thattime?
Um, another one was what wereyou eating for breakfast on
those days?
You know, like so it you'llyou'll hear the poem's pretty
long because I took this veryliterally.
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (07:21):
Oh, you want it to include everything in the sheet.
SPEAKER_02 (07:24):
Um and he did say that he wanted to see all these
things like somehow circulatethrough in the poem.
Um, but the more artistic andpoetic people in class uh were
able to use a lot moresymbolizing, you know, symbols
or were able to show and nottell a lot better than I was
capable of doing.
SPEAKER_01 (07:45):
So is this the first poem you ever read?
SPEAKER_02 (07:49):
Wrote rather?
No, technically not.
Um I had forgotten that I wrotea poem that was published in a
zine that my sister-in-law putout um back when I was, you
know, very freshly postpartumwith the kids.
And that one I could read toyou.
It's pretty it's pretty dark.
Oh no.
I feel sad already just thinkingabout you postpartum writing a
(08:09):
poem.
I know.
So I've written poems before,but this is the first one where
I did it in a mind map with thissort of layout.
And had you asked me at thebeginning of school if I had
written a poem before, I wouldhave said no.
So I don't know what that weirdblockage of the poem that was
published in a fucking zine is.
(08:30):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (08:31):
Like interesting.
SPEAKER_02 (08:32):
Maybe it was just a postpartum.
Was that Kolina?
Yeah.
Does she still do this?
I no, she hasn't done one.
Um, although she's so artistic,which I don't she I wouldn't put
it past her to put out anotherzine.
Hers was really cool.
It was all about birth, and um,a lot of people did collections
of art or poetry or shortstories for it.
Um, I'll show it to you.
SPEAKER_01 (08:50):
Oh, cool.
SPEAKER_02 (08:50):
Yeah, it's really cool.
SPEAKER_01 (08:52):
Does she write anything?
SPEAKER_02 (08:53):
Uh I don't think she wrote anything for it that I can
remember.
Um, but she did beautifulartwork for it and then
collected from her friends anddid photography.
So each of the people who werepublished in it, um, she did a
photograph of them and theirchildren overlaid on top of each
other.
It was really cool.
I'll show it to you.
Oh my gosh, I can't wait to seethat.
Okay, cool, cool, cool.
Okay.
So that was the mind mappingthing.
(09:16):
And I've used this sort ofbubble technique for writing
stories too.
Um, although I found it reallyhelpful to like have this as
like a first being thrown intopoetry in class.
I thought it was just sohelpful.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Damn.
You ready?
SPEAKER_01 (09:34):
Yep.
SPEAKER_02 (09:35):
And uh I you can take this part out.
I might start crying, in whichcase I'll have to start.
SPEAKER_01 (09:41):
Oh my god!
SPEAKER_02 (09:43):
Oh my god, okay.
Or you don't have to take thatpart out.
I don't know.
Just like bear with me.
SPEAKER_01 (09:48):
I've taken my meds yet today, so little squirrelly.
SPEAKER_02 (09:51):
Oh, okay.
Just that's okay.
SPEAKER_01 (09:53):
Let's do it.
SPEAKER_02 (09:54):
Okay.
Uh the poem is called A FairTrade.
I sold my bakery.
Oh, ooh, sorry.
One very important part, becauseyou're gonna be like, what the
fuck?
You have to repeat that wasanother criteria.
You had to repeat one line inevery stanza.
Oh.
So uh that was a important part.
SPEAKER_01 (10:11):
Okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (10:12):
Structure, got it.
unknown (10:13):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (10:14):
I sold my bakery.
I sold my bakery.
My lifelong dream sincechildhood.
Wanting to bake since I couldpull up a stool.
I burned my hands as a smallchild on oven doors and caramel,
forever experimenting.
What makes a cake rise?
A normal question for aneight-year-old to ask.
I wanted to be just like her,placing pecan turtles that sit
(10:36):
pretty along the perimeter of apicture perfect cake, chocolate
sprinkles and buttercreamrosettes.
I sold my bakery.
Tired eyes look back at me everymorning.
This identity has had a grip forso long I don't know myself
without it.
Are my veins now filled withganache?
Is my skin soft, light meringue?
Is my doughy body made ofmalleable fondant?
No.
Cakes are beautiful works ofart, and this is no cake.
(10:59):
Hair unkempt, no longer blonde,just angry and exhausted.
Delicate sweetness nowhere to befound, no time for makeup.
Just a splash of water will do.
I sold my bakery.
I no longer have time for thewild church I've always loved,
the trails up mountains, a c atri-colored curly haired doodle
at my heels, wet dirt, red woodcanopies with light shining in,
(11:22):
reminding me of how beautifulthe world is.
The breath of life inside of mehas always been found amongst
the trees.
I need to get back to find myhigher power.
The moss and sapling.
I sold my bakery.
I sat and cried at the diningroom table every morning, next
to the art on my purple accentwall, cake slices, oil on
canvas, weighing to bald.
Two eggs scrambled on a burnttortilla.
(11:43):
Sometimes I throw in salsa if Ihave it.
But who am I kidding?
There's no time to go to thestore.
Cake scraps by day with theoccasional fresh berry, a hungry
raccoon by night eating in thedark, never enough nutrients for
long hours, or my milk-filledbreasts.
I sold my bakery.
I had held my swollen bellywhile I danced and sang at my
seat up far too late, knowingthe promised early morning, but
(12:06):
slash at his top hat and Axelsinging every note, the first
chords start playing, and I knewI will sing in a voice that I
can't hold a tune.
Sweet child of mine every nightforevermore.
The baby girl within me heldmore power.
I can't do it.
This is so sad.
unknown (12:31):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (12:32):
Sweet child of mine every night forevermore, the
baby girl within me held morepower than any amplifier with
eyes of the bluest skies.
As if they thought of rain.
I'd hate to look into those eyesand seeing an ounce of pain.
I sold my bakery.
All I want is to be home.
unknown (12:50):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (12:54):
Okay.
Jesus Keraminese.
Okay.
I sold my bakery.
All I want is to be home withthem.
Their little fingers and littletoes.
Giggles and kissed away tears,tiny voices calling out, giving
me the gift of being their mom.
I'm their mama.
But I need to make my art.
I need to keep constructingthese magical creations that
(13:16):
tower taller than every brideand groom.
I want to continue to be thesweetest part of so many firsts,
engagements, weddings, babyshowers, babies' birthdays.
This is also a gift, and I needmore hours every day.
I sold my bakery.
To a woman with wild hair andeyebrows that always looked
angry, a woman that had apresence like no other.
She took up a room by simplyexisting.
(13:38):
With all of the grandiose, shestill didn't last long,
misjudging how hard she had towork.
Her red lips always made up withover the top lipstick pursed in
defeat.
It was not just a piece of cake,was it?
I sold my bakery for toy coveredfloors and a crooked carpet, for
long days sitting on the floorjust next to a saggy couch,
furniture that I never actuallyget to sit on.
(14:01):
You're welcome for the wonderfulworld you know, playing above my
head, sung by an oversized manon an oversized TV screen.
The irony.
I sold my bakery to trade.
One dream for another.
The crumbs of cake being sweptaway after a long day has turned
into crumbs of crackers inbetween chubby fingers.
I will always have an oven, aspatula, flour and sugar.
(14:23):
My babies will only havefrosting kissed lips and lick
batter laden beaters withchocolate-covered cheeks for a
short time.
And I get to have these moments.
And I get to have these momentsbecause I sold my bakery.
SPEAKER_01 (14:43):
Oh sorry, that's all good.
SPEAKER_02 (14:49):
It's okay.
SPEAKER_01 (14:50):
I know it.
But it was just too much work.
SPEAKER_02 (14:54):
Yeah, it was too much work.
SPEAKER_01 (14:55):
And anyways, that was really good.
SPEAKER_02 (15:00):
I was not the first person in class to read a poem.
MJ was.
And I remember hearing hers, andhers was beautiful.
Um and it was about her sisterhaving cancer.
SPEAKER_01 (15:12):
Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02 (15:14):
I know.
And she read it so eloquently,and she read it with such like
passion and power, and shedidn't cry.
And I remember I think I was thenext person to read, or n the
next day or something, and thenI was like crying the whole time
I was reading.
And uh I was like, oh god.
(15:34):
Matt MJ is so good at this, andI'm so bad at this.
SPEAKER_01 (15:38):
Like so like composed.
Yeah.
MJ.
Can I just stop to go up on mynose?
Of course.
All right.
Okay, so that was so special,and I feel like you can really
see how the mind map played apart in it.
Yeah.
And now I think that I'm justlike, wow, that's such a great
(16:02):
way to organize your thoughtswhen it comes to like a poem
because it's like flowy too,like the way that you do the
mind map.
And it was really appropriate,you know, bringing all those
things into it.
And then with the refrain, it'slike, yeah, it just made a lot
of sense.
It was great.
Yeah, thank you.
SPEAKER_02 (16:23):
Yeah.
Um, I haven't read it sinceschool.
And that so that it's clearly itwas a little rusty.
SPEAKER_01 (16:30):
Oh right.
Like it kind of was likesurprising again again.
Like when you've written, yeah,that was very emotional.
I love like the idea that likeclosed your bakery, but you sort
of still have a bakery in yourhome, but the only people that
eat it are your kids orwhatever.
Or like you you say in it thatyou're gonna still make these
(16:50):
cakes for people, sure.
Which you have, but I like thatidea that it's like you keep
saying that you closed yourbakery and you did, but like
you're still baking.
Yeah.
There's just like you're findinglike this other balance.
Right.
I like the part about Maui, ohyeah, the guy from the umana.
What was the line?
SPEAKER_02 (17:10):
Thank you for the wonderful world you know.
Yeah, which is like you're themother, right?
Or you're welcome.
Yeah.
You're welcome, yeah.
You're welcome.
SPEAKER_01 (17:18):
So you're like on the floor, like playing with
them.
You're like, yeah, you'rewelcome, you little fucks.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
Little turds.
Um I'm gonna do that.
SPEAKER_02 (17:27):
Back a long time ago, we talked about it before,
but the compliment, um, becauseit he does a similar mind
mapping thing for prose, uh, forfiction writing.
Oh, but it was way less uhstructured.
SPEAKER_01 (17:40):
The prose one, what was it like?
I'd like to know that.
SPEAKER_02 (17:43):
That one was way like that one was not structured
at all.
It was like you just make one.
You like a you have a characterin your head, and then like you
had to have he, it was like aminimum of ten things that came
off of it, and it was like itcould have been whatever but you
started with the character, yes.
SPEAKER_01 (17:59):
Yeah, oh that would be good for me who like I kind
of struggle with characterdevelopment as well.
Yeah, but I do I need help withshort stories.
I wonder because I I startedworking on the um wetness story,
and okay, so we're gonna keepgoing with the story time
episode, but just a quick aside.
I'm somebody that I think thefirst thing that I come up with
(18:21):
when I write is a concept orlike a hook.
So the concept of the shortstory that I want to write is
like this woman, whenever shegets aroused, she has goo.
Okay, she's gooey with cyan andsparkly glittery stuff in her
underwear, in her parts.
(18:41):
Yeah.
And it's like, oh, I'm like,see, there's a story.
But people are like, well, whathappens in it?
Right.
Like, and that's that's how Ialways start with something like
that.
SPEAKER_02 (18:51):
My dad wrote an email to you, to me, but to you
about your about um Lou.
He did?
Yeah.
Holy shit.
SPEAKER_01 (18:58):
Do you want to hear it?
I okay, okay.
So sorry, I forgot about ituntil this very moment.
Wow, okay.
So Rachel's dad, Dave, who we'veheard from on a previous story
time, who had sort of this likePoe-esque story.
He just wrote me an emailbecause I've talked about trying
to write this story about thecyan and and sparkly wetness.
SPEAKER_02 (19:22):
Yeah, well, I mean, it's not a very it's uh you'll
see.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Oh my god.
Okay, so he sent this to me.
He goes, Kayla's blue arousaltrope reminded me of other times
I read it in science fiction.
I remember two examples that Ican share with you.
SPEAKER_01 (19:36):
Wow, cool.
SPEAKER_02 (19:36):
Yes.
The blue cocks from MargaretAtwoods, Oryx and Crake.
I've read that, yes.
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (19:42):
Oh wow, he likes he's an Atwood fan.
Oh, he he's a big reader.
Okay, yes, I remember those bluecocks.
Thank you, Dave.
And then and then he highlightsrefers to Did you use the word
cocks?
SPEAKER_02 (19:53):
Blue cocks, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (19:55):
Oh, well, that's the word she uses.
Okay.
Sure.
SPEAKER_02 (19:57):
First, the genetically engineered crackers,
a new genetically modified humanspecies.
They are designed by thecharacter Crake to be a
successor to humanity and haveblue penises, an artificial and
somewhat ridiculous trait thatserved as a symbol for their
status of their status andmanufactured species.
SPEAKER_01 (20:15):
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (20:16):
And then also from Google, the science fiction
book's new species series byLaurent Donner, the first book,
Fury, introduces a race ofgenetically manufactured human
animal hybrids who turn bluewhen they become aroused.
Details about the series arecharacters in the new species
are a race of geneticallyaltered beings originally
created in a lab and abused foryears and have recently escaped.
(20:40):
Wow.
The plot is that the books focuson a new species navigating
human society, finding love andprotecting their newly found
freedom from the humans whocreated them.
And the blue trait, thephysiological trait of their
skin turning blue when aroused,is a distinctive feature in the
species and a significant plotpoint throughout the series.
SPEAKER_01 (21:01):
So interesting that both of those authors, it was
blue.
Yeah.
And like I mine is bluish.
Yeah.
And I I wouldn't uhautomatically go to blue.
Like if I had to pick the colorof sex, it would be red or blue
pink.
Yeah, or like a hot pink.
Yeah, hot pink.
Yeah.
But and yet we keep on writingabout arousal being blue.
(21:21):
I wonder what that is.
Ooh, that's deep.
Thank you so much.
I I that series, um, that thesecond series that he mentioned
sounds so much like the kind ofthing that I would want to
write.
SPEAKER_02 (21:33):
Yeah.
Wow.
Um, okay, I have to read that.
Uh before we get to um Jesse.
Jesse, I just want to make thedog go away.
SPEAKER_01 (21:40):
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, sorry, the dog um Eugenehas been scratching at the door.
While she is making the dog goaway, I will read Jessie
Wingate's bio.
Jessie is a florist by day, poetby night, and round-the-clock
mom living on unceded Ohloneterritory.
Her work has been published oris forthcoming in Chimaran
(22:01):
Review, Calyx, Chestnut Review,Allium, Mother Meg, California
Quarterly, and others.
You can read more of her poetryat jessiewingate.com.
Wow, okay, so this is great.
I'm so happy to be listening toone of her poems, The Behold Em.
Jessie was somebody that Iworked with years ago, and she
(22:23):
is the one person.
There were so many women my age,so many cool people that I
worked with at Escaleto, andshe's the one person that I feel
like I still have sort of likean emotional tether to, and we
live on opposite sides of thebay, but I just love her and I
always will.
So let's see what the beholdensounds like.
SPEAKER_00 (22:46):
The Beholden I am a glutton for beauty, and I can
find it in most of what I see.
I lit like a crow for sparkle,every human body, beautiful in
its waddle, every flower I'veever met, certainly every cake
and pizza pie, the timber oftrainsong bakes a bread rising
(23:09):
in my throat, the bravado of afinch, there on the ground, in
shocking risk, the toll of arhyme rolled in my mouth like
wine from a bell shaped glass,music I feel it in the pulse of
windows lit at night, or theglaze of water worn like a gown.
Have you ever looked down in theshower?
(23:31):
Those are easy, but what aboutthe crackle of asphalt, graffiti
tagged streetside, the smell ofdiesel and aged piss when taken
together has a certain joie devive, a holiness?
What about the wrinkles on myface?
The summer death of grass, orthe bark of a slammed door.
(23:52):
I can see it in the mouse donecolor of that one kind of lichen
almost invisible against theboulder, yet yielding an
electric violet dye.
Roll me in trash and glasspetals, fill me with fondant
profanities shouted in thestreet, give me the blue cheese
and all the kinds of bodies,belch me into laughter, wrap me
(24:15):
up in paper like a day old bakedgood.
Take me to the river and wash menot in soap, but cover me in all
the matter, the ash and brown,tell me that the war is over,
the one we wage against theugly.
SPEAKER_01 (24:31):
Oh my god, I fucking love that.
That was great.
That was really beautiful.
The idea that um not onlyperfect things are beautiful and
that the ash faults and thefumes and the piss together have
a certain joie de vie.
I think that some people havesuch a higher tolerance for like
(24:54):
gross stuff than me.
Sure.
And I I kind of like to seethat.
Like, you know, like um, soJesse isn't this way, but you
know, like a gutter punk kind ofa person who has like stretched
out earlobes and sends peoplepictures of their poop in the
toilet.
Right.
You know, like these kind ofpeople who can get into both,
(25:15):
like the really beautiful thingsand the scummy things, and like
they're not afraid of embracingall of it.
I I admire that.
SPEAKER_02 (25:23):
You know, uh there's that line like that, the bark of
a closed door.
Yeah, you know, that's exactlywhat my teacher used to talk
about.
Really?
You know, just like you can youcan hear that, you know, like
the slam.
Yeah, like a bark, but I wouldnever put those words together
in my own head.
SPEAKER_01 (25:38):
Yes, but yeah, but both the slam and the bark are
so like immediate.
Yeah, right.
They just sort of like likehappen so fast.
SPEAKER_02 (25:48):
Um really, really great writing, or like the the
being a day old bake goodwrapped in paper, like all of
it, just it's what greatimagery.
Yeah, good, great.
SPEAKER_01 (25:58):
And I love the bird, um, the red bird like on the
ground.
Yeah.
And how the risk of that waslike startling to her, which is
is it can be so startling to seesomething alive in a risky
situation or like in peril.
Like if you saw like a somebodyon a train track, like walking
(26:19):
on the train track and you knewa train, like you know, like
that camera is so visceral.
Damn it, that was so good.
SPEAKER_02 (26:26):
Thank you.
Okay, wait, dude, um, I knowthat we talked about it before
the we started recording, andthen I walked out to take care
of the dog.
Did you share that that herpublished that that she's been
published?
SPEAKER_01 (26:38):
Yes, that she's been published in all these different
places.
It's so awesome.
That's so the coolest.
And yeah, you really I can seewhy I can see why these editors
and the people who want topublish your work and pluck it
out of the piles and stuff.
I can see why your work standsout for sure.
Um amazing.
Okay, so now I guess I have tofollow that with something
(27:01):
totally different.
Um Yeah, we're switching gears.
Switching gears.
So this is the Van Life story.
This was, I think, my firstshort story that I ever wrote.
My husband felt that there'ssome violence that happens in
this story um that he felt likeit wasn't really earned.
And then um Rachel's husbandfelt like he could see that
(27:24):
coming and that it made sensethat a character would be
violent.
And we had like a whole sort ofchat about that on a previous
episode.
And so I'm gonna read it now.
So the title is hashtag fanlife, and after I read this, I'm
gonna publish it on our Reddit.
Okay, hashtag FanLife.
(27:45):
I'm the only psychiatrist in theshared office space that sees
clients in the evening.
A lot of folks can only come totherapy after their work days.
It feels good to be available tothose people so they can get
help.
I have a full client list.
Clayton is a rakish 25-year-oldman who pays$275 out of pocket
bi-weekly to sit in my officewhere I try to figure out if
(28:08):
he's lying to himself or justme.
At first I found his behaviortoward women creepy, if not
truly alarming.
But over the last six months hehas won me over.
He loves women deeply andrecklessly in a way that only
exists anymore in the romancenovels of the 1980s that I pluck
off of thrift store shelves.
Even if I could share thedetails of our sessions, I would
(28:31):
never admit to anyone that heturns me on.
Sometimes I wish Clayton wouldfall in love with me so I could
be loved like that.
Ridiculous, I know.
I'm a 60-year-old woman with amole on my neck and tits that
take an industrial-sized bra tohike up off my stomach.
Still, the erotic part of mybrain has not altogether
atrophied.
Life is short.
(28:51):
I've got to squeeze a littlemischief and sensuality from
somewhere.
Questions are normally all Igive to Clayton.
He isn't much for psychologicalfacts or advice.
He won't fill any of theprescriptions he needs.
But I choose not to push.
I keep him comfortable, so hekeeps coming back.
Plus, he pays cash, which Idon't always document.
She wanted me to come over.
(29:12):
I can read between the lines, hesays.
What did she text back?
I ask.
She didn't.
I stand and open the officewindow.
The room is muggy.
The street lights in the parkinglot pop on in the dusk.
Are there lines to read betweenif she didn't text anything to
you?
I ask.
Absolutely.
The between was all I had to goon.
(29:33):
My girl has different kinds ofsilences, and the silence this
morning meant that she wanted meto come by.
I had her location on my phone,so I knew where she was parked.
She would have turned that offif she didn't want me to come
over.
I suppress a grimace and take asip of my tea.
And how did she re react whenyou showed up at her van?
(29:54):
What time did you say it was?
It was five in the morning.
She was, you know, I said, Comeon out here.
To crawl around in your vehicle,I said, Well, you're up now,
aren't you?
My daughter Casey had beentalking about buying a van for
weeks.
She showed me Instagram postsunder hashtag banlife, images of
thin bohemian white couplesdrifting around America,
(30:16):
documenting their poeticjourneys of self-discovery,
believing they were shirkinglate stage capitalism.
She said, Mama, I can make moneyjust by chronicling a summer
road trip.
She was Gen Z explaining to me,but I knew what an influencer
was.
Finally, I made her a deal.
I transferred her the money forher flights to Europe and her
(30:36):
Eurorail pass so that she wouldgo with Soma and Chloe like she
originally planned.
She would go to all the iconic,read safe touristy places in
Europe with her best friends intow.
This story of Clayton's wasconfirmation that my meddling
into Casey's plans had beenright.
Had she bought the van, shemight have had some unhinged man
(30:57):
banging on the window of her vanin the morning when she was
trying to sleep.
At least the woman Clayton wasinvolved with would be older,
rougher around the edges, a truetransient, more equipped to deal
with a stalker than a softdaughter like mine.
I can't remember which woman hewas talking about just now, but
Clayton had a type.
Older women who were down ontheir luck.
I usually don't do this, but Idecide to offer a nugget of
(31:19):
truth.
Humans are actually really badat guessing what others are
thinking and feeling.
Do you believe that?
Does that resonate with you?
Clayton scratched the scruff onhis cheek.
Most people don't know their assfrom their ankles.
But someone like me, when I havea divine connection with a
woman, I can hear her thoughtsand feel her feelings.
I'm an empath.
It's like a gift, especially ifI've made love to them.
(31:42):
Sex creates a soul tie.
That's in the Bible.
All the holy books say it.
I almost laughed.
Did the women Clayton courtedfall for this crap?
This was always theuncomfortable part of Clayton's
stories.
When the woman is resisting andI don't know how it's gonna go.
I shifted in my chair.
I'd like to hear him describethe women, all of the specific
little things he loved aboutthem.
(32:04):
I'll never forget hisdescription of one lady's hips.
I wanted to circumnavigate herlike an undiscovered world.
But he wasn't giving me thattoday.
Then she let me have the keysand I drove her around a bit,
windows down, sunrise, air in myhair.
I nod.
I like it when his stories takeon this melodic stream of
consciousness style.
(32:25):
He might be a good writer if hehad any discipline.
He went on, goosebumps on herlegs, buckle up, we're going to
Tijuana.
My eyes go wide.
You went to Mexico together on awhim?
He chuckled.
Dr.
Nelson, I'm here, aren't I?
I roll my eyes.
Point taken, you couldn't havedriven to Mexico this morning.
I wanted her to think I wastaking her to Tijuana so that
(32:47):
when we got into the hills, itwouldn't seem so far.
I'm not supposed to appear topass judgment, but I do.
I think this guy needs therapy.
Then I remember that's exactlywhat he's doing here.
He should really see someoneelse, someone less lonely.
Time's up, no?
He gestures towards the clock onthe wall.
Time is up.
I guess I won't be hearing thespicy part.
(33:09):
Ah, doctor, you want to hear therest, don't you?
Maybe you should be paying meinstead of the other way around.
My nostrils feel tight.
I have a habit of flaring themin an unattractive, bullish way
when I'm offended.
I touch my earlobe.
My new yellow gold hoop withPave crystals isn't there.
The earring on the other sideconfirms that I put them on this
(33:30):
morning.
My boyfriend had given them tome a month prior on our two year
anniversary.
He bought a similar pair for mydaughter Casey too.
Only they were white gold.
Clayton is still talking.
This one's funny.
She was hollering, and I toldher, no more of this Taylor
Swift shit.
I'm putting on Bohemianrhapsody, and maybe it'll sound
like you're singing karaoke.
(33:50):
I lean over my chair and scanthe carpet for my earring.
It worked, it was likebackground vocals.
Mama oo Why is he singing now?
He's acting strange.
He should go.
I push my chair back and get onmy hands and knees.
Dr.
Nelson, what are you lookingfor?
My earring, it's special.
I'm not sure when it fell off.
(34:11):
At the side of the desk I sweepmy arm under the drawers, but
when I look up, Clayton iscrawling toward me.
His shoulder blades like ajaguar as they roll up and down.
I freeze in my tabletopposition.
He reaches and holds out hishand.
I cut my hand and he lets thegolden hoop tumble down his palm
into mine.
He stands.
(34:32):
Thank you, I say, and sit backon my heels to fasten it to my
ear.
Then I look up at him.
You look good like that, hesays.
I blink.
Was something happening betweenus?
I'm speechless.
The moment stretches on.
My breath quickens.
He takes a step toward me.
Will he take my head in hishands?
(34:53):
He reaches for my hand, and Ilet him help me to my feet.
The tension between usdissipates for a moment, giving
me a chance to resist.
Right, I'm sorry to cut you offin the middle of your story, but
can we pick up there in a coupleof weeks?
I'll put a pin in it, he winks.
Clayton, did did you say she washollering?
He shrugs and leaves the office,not bothering to shut the door
(35:16):
behind himself.
I hear him singing that samerefrain from Bohemian Rhapsody
again as he leaves.
Mamma, oo didn't mean to makeyou cry if I'm not back again
this time tomorrow.
As I go to shut the office door,I see my next client sitting
rigidly on the couch in thewaiting room, her head turned to
(35:38):
the entrance that Clayton justleft through.
I'm sorry, Petra, that went on alittle long.
Come on in.
She stands and places hermagazine back on the stack, on
the coffee table.
He was odd.
She laughs unconvincingly.
She got a bad vibe from him.
When she enters the office andsits down, she shifts in her
seat and pulls a set of keys outfrom under her bottom.
(36:00):
Did he leave these?
She holds them out to me.
I take them from her and lookout of the window.
He's not in the parking lot.
I glance down at the tangle offeminine keychains.
I don't think so, I say, as Iplace them on my desk and open
up Petra's file on my laptop.
When our session is over andPetra has used half of my
tissues, she thanks me andleaves.
(36:20):
I look at the keys on my desk.
Amid the charms, there's aglittery lavender boot with the
initials T S on it.
It's a miniature of the onesTaylor Swift wore when Casey and
I saw her on the Eris tour.
I run my thumb along therhinestones and my stomach
drops.
There are two basic brass keysand a larger silver one with the
Volkswagen logo on it.
(36:42):
There's a light knocking.
Petra is in the doorway.
I'm finding so many treasures inyour office today, she says.
She hurries over and places agolden hoop earring on my desk.
See you next time.
My fingers fly to my earlobes asPetra walks out.
Both hoops are hanging there.
I take the left one out andplace it next to the other on my
desk.
The one from my ear is whitegold.
(37:03):
The one on my desk is yellowgold.
Clayton didn't find my earring.
He gave me Casey's.
I rummage through my purse untilI find my phone.
I enter the passcode with ashaking finger.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, I say as Inavigate through the
disorganized icons, trying toremember how to find the
location sharing app.
Finally I pull it up, andthere's a dot that is Casey's
(37:25):
location, the only one sharedwith me.
It is on a long line surroundedby green.
I zoom out and see that she'ssomewhere to the east of the
city.
Not so far as Tijuana, but thehills.
Mama, mama.
She was hollering for me.
Is the dot moving?
I zoom in.
It isn't moving.
I grab my purse and stumble outof the office, down the hall,
(37:47):
into the parking lot to my car.
I plug my phone in and make thecar navigate to the dot on the
phone screen.
The dot that is my daughter, orat least her phone.
I instruct my car to call hercontinually.
She's not picking up.
I'm getting close now, followingthe dark, winding road up the
city glittering below.
My high beams are on, and myeyes scan back and forth,
looking for Casey on either sideof the road.
(38:08):
If she did buy a van, she can'tstart it.
She doesn't have her keys.
Call Casey, I scream.
Calling Casey, my car's honeyvoice says for the umpteenth
time.
Dr.
Nelson, Clayton's voicesurrounds me from my car
speakers.
Clayton, what the fuck are youdoing with Casey's phone?
You know, he puts on a mockingfemale tone, humans are actually
(38:31):
really bad at guessing whatothers are thinking and feeling.
I see it turn out ahead and Ipress the brake to slow my
speeding car.
I crank the wheel and pull it inbeside the same van that Casey
had described as the one shewanted.
I burst out of the car and runto the van, pounding on the
window, screaming.
As I take a breath, I hear mydaughter's laughter.
(38:52):
I sprint around the van and seeCasey and Clayton sitting on a
concrete barrier overlooking thecity.
They've turned to me.
Casey is unexplicably smoking acigarette.
Tears stream down my face.
I double over and grab my knees,catching my breath.
Thank God, thank Jesus, I say.
Oh my god, mama, calm down,Casey yells with laughter in her
(39:16):
voice.
See, I told you she'd bring themno big deal, Clayton says,
squeezing her thigh.
Do you have my keys?
Casey asks me.
I straighten and fish her keysfrom my pocket.
I do, I say.
Casey hops up and flicks hercigarette onto the pavement.
She reaches for her keys, but Ipull them back.
I shake my head, lookingstraight at Clayton, who sits
(39:39):
calmly, just like he did in myoffice less than two hours ago.
Why did you have her earring?
He was supposed to pawn them,Casey says, shooting him a
playful scowl.
Casey, honey, this isn'thappening.
You're coming with me.
We're selling that van.
You're going to Europe.
You're gonna dump this low life.
Are you jealous of yourdaughter, Dr.
(40:01):
Nelson?
Blood runs into my cheeks.
I told you I can read betweenthe lines, he says, standing,
approaching us.
Casey lunges for her keys.
I pull away and fall hard on mytailbone.
Clayton's hands wrap around myankles.
He yanks.
My skull cracks on the concrete.
(40:21):
My daughter begins to sing.
Hey, okay, so that's it.
SPEAKER_02 (40:26):
But this is a different version than the one I
had read before.
Is it?
SPEAKER_01 (40:31):
It's way different.
It's way different.
I think this is unedited.
Sorry guys.
I looked, okay.
This is a fucking writer'sproblem.
You look for a piece of work andyou find seven different
versions in your Google Docs,and you're like, which fucking
one was it?
Yeah.
So I think this is like theunabridged version.
It's definitely unedited becausethere's like I repeat words a
(40:55):
lot.
Sure, sure, sure.
And things like that.
I get it.
Um, but it's really what's weirdis that I have Clayton grabbing
her by the angles.
And Rachel and I have thisrunning joke about like um sexy
romanticy wolves and stuffgrabbing you by the angles to
like ravage you.
And it's weird that I wrote thatin.
SPEAKER_02 (41:16):
And that was way, that was way before we had this
joke.
SPEAKER_01 (41:20):
Oh.
Yeah.
I guess maybe I'm a littleromanticy.
Maybe I should keep it writing.
Maybe kind of each other.
I know.
Well, maybe we'll see.
Anyways, um I don't know whatversion that was, but I hope you
liked it and maybe it quenchedsomebody's curiosity who had
listened to the older episode.
(41:41):
I think the one we calledChallenge Accepted.
Yeah, I mean, I'm I'm not sure.
Yeah, that's our story time, andwe would love to hear your
stories and poems for next time.
We put these out occasionally,and you know, as soon as we get
something from someone we wantto read, basically, or we have
something we want to share.
So how do they send it in?
SPEAKER_02 (42:03):
Uh, okay, so you can go to our website, which is
writeyourheartoutpod.com, andthere's two ways to submit.
You can, you know, just find thesubmit button.
It's very easy, top rightcorner.
It'll take you to a little form.
You can fill out just like, doyou want to stay anonymous?
Blah, blah, blah.
It's so easy.
Or you can find us on Reddit.
We would also love, like, youcan, if you've posted something
(42:25):
before, just share it to us too,because we'd love to see it
there.
Um, or just contact atwriteyourheartoutpod.com.
SPEAKER_01 (42:32):
Okay, we would love to hear from you.
Thanks for listening, guys, andwe'll talk to you next time.
Bye.
Write your heart out.
SPEAKER_01 (00:07):
Hi, I'm Kayla Ogden and I'm Rachel Sarah.
And this is Write Your HeartOut.
Story time.
Story time.
Woohoo! Yes.
So today, first we're gonnastart with Rachel.
It's the first poem that shewrote for that class that she
was taking.
Yes.
Then my friend who has a penname now, her name is Jessie
(00:30):
Wingate.
She gave us a poem and she readit herself, which is Extra
Points, and it's called TheBeholden.
Very cool.
And then I'm gonna read my storycalled hashtag Van Life.
We talked about this in aprevious episode, like at the
beginning of the pod.
SPEAKER_02 (00:50):
Yeah, and you gave like a little excerpt.
Like you had you had read a tinypiece of it.
SPEAKER_01 (00:55):
Yes, I read a piece of it because okay, so this is
the episode called ChallengeAccepted, I think.
SPEAKER_02 (01:03):
It was after Larry, and then we were starting to
like take prompt things.
Oh.
But I don't think you wereprompted for that one.
You just I don't remember whatwhy you wrote that one.
It was that it's good.
I can't wait to hear again.
SPEAKER_01 (01:15):
Why I wrote it, but I know that after I wrote it, I
read it to my husband, and thenhe gave me feedback that I guess
I didn't like.
So then we went to Rachel'shusband and we recorded again
giving different feedback that Iwanted.
And then we like played herhusband.
It was like we pitted ourhusbands against each other.
(01:35):
I think it was in ChallengeAccepted.
I think you're right.
So um I guess a little I can Ican talk about it a little bit
more once we get to the end,because I'm gonna read mine at
the end.
I just know that our friend Rekalistened to that episode and she
was she reached out and she'slike, Kayla, can I read the
whole thing?
And then I sent it to her, whichwas really sweet.
So I'm like, oh, maybe someoneelse would want to hear the
(01:57):
whole thing too.
SPEAKER_02 (01:58):
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I love hearing it.
I I've I've read it at least acouple times.
I like it.
It's one of it's a good shortstory.
SPEAKER_01 (02:05):
I think it's my favorite short story that I've
written, and I've written maybethree.
Yeah.
So I want to hear about thereason why you wrote this poem
and you know what your professorhad to say about it when you
wrote it.
SPEAKER_02 (02:18):
So this was um, this is like when I was first
starting the class, I learnedthat we were starting with
poetry, and I remember likegroaning in my head because I
was like, ugh, poetry, as I'veshared.
I was like, this is the worstsituation ever.
It was six weeks of poetry.
This is gonna be torture.
Whoa, six weeks.
Yeah, it was a good it was agood chunk of poetry, the first
(02:40):
half.
So we like dove in and uhProfessor Tim, his name is Tim,
he was great and he was like,you know, I don't expect, you
know, a polished piece of work.
What we're gonna do is startwith something called mind
mapping.
And I found this technique ofmind mapping so helpful.
And obviously, it wouldn't workfor all types of poetry because
(03:02):
it seems as though poetry has tocome to you like really from
within.
Okay, you know, but this was agreat technique for me, the way
he taught it.
So it was this mind mapping, andhe made these but like a bubble
graph, right?
SPEAKER_01 (03:16):
So yeah, those are yeah, yeah, and it was really
great.
SPEAKER_02 (03:20):
So he had us pair up with another person, and I was
paired up with this guy, and heis like an he was like an older,
um, I want to say he wasIsraeli, uh, he is definitely in
his 60s.
He was a really sweet guy, andhe was taking this as like a
retirement project.
Like he was just taking theclass for funsies.
So at first, like we're supposedto ask each other questions like
(03:40):
what are the four things, thefour major plot turning points
in your life, a time in yourlife that changed everything.
And like, so we went back andforth and talked about it.
And at the time, I was like, AmI gonna have to write a poem
about this dude?
He didn't tell us where we weregoing with what this
conversation was, but we weresupposed to like take notes
about it, right?
SPEAKER_01 (03:57):
Wait, you thought you'd have to write a poem about
the old guy in his class?
SPEAKER_02 (04:02):
Oh dude.
So then that would be crazy.
And we have like five minutes tolike talk to each other about
these these pivotal points inour lives.
He goes, Okay, everyone.
Now who cares what that personsaid?
What did you talk about?
And what I ended up talkingabout was uh when I sold my
bakery.
So, you know, you write in thefirst bubble selling the bakery,
(04:24):
you know.
Then he gave specific pointsthat you had to work off of.
So something that you saw everyday during this point.
And it could be, you know, itcould be just one thing or it
could be a few things.
Oh.
Um, so I had chosen thispainting on my because every day
I would see this painting on mywall that I have of uh Wayne
Tivald's cakes is like all thedifferent slices of cake.
(04:46):
Uh then something that you wouldhear, like a song or like birds
trip, you know, whatever it is.
And I had just put a specificsong and or podcasts is what my
bubble said.
And then something spiritualthat was during that pivotal
point of your life.
And so then you break off andput another little bubble that
says spiritual, and you know, soyour What was your spiritual
(05:08):
thing?
At the time, I had really,really, really loved hiking with
my friends, and I didn't call itthat, but I really felt like
that was kind of my version ofchurch, or like we would go on
the weekends with our dogs, andit was just like the most
peaceful, incredible feeling,and I still very much feel that
(05:30):
way when I'm out like on a hike.
Like that's my idea of likebeing as close to God.
If I don't think I reallysubscribe to religion in any
way, but that would be myclosest to it.
So at the time of selling mybakery, I didn't have any of
that anymore.
I wasn't able to go on hikesanymore.
Um, I all of that had gotten soconsumed with being able to run
(05:52):
this business.
Um, my spiritual piece in theand you'll hear in the poem
comes back to like wanting to beout there again and like being
able to do those things.
Okay.
Um, so then like something youuh let's see, like a room that
you were in often, and then Ihad chosen the living room of my
house.
SPEAKER_01 (06:10):
Oh, so it's just during that time.
It's not necessarily whileyou're at the bakery.
SPEAKER_02 (06:15):
Right.
So some people were very, veryspecific.
SPEAKER_01 (06:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (06:19):
But because of it, this poem you'll hear is about
the decision to sell the bakeryand like how that was so
pivotal.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (06:26):
So it was it's a little bit more of like a you'll
see, you kind of holistic umview of like your whole life at
that time, it sounds like.
But I like this.
It's like you um, I'm just gonnakind of recap, I guess, what
you're saying is um you createone of those mind maps or bubble
maps where in the center you putthis really pivotal turning
(06:49):
point in your life, and then youdraw a line with another bubble,
and then that one has spiritualalign with another bubble,
something you saw, and thensomething you heard.
Then you create little bubblesoutside of that.
Exactly.
Each of these things that yourprofessor said.
So then what were the were thereother ones?
SPEAKER_02 (07:06):
There was one was like, What do you see when you
look in the mirror during thattime?
Um, another one was what wereyou eating for breakfast on
those days?
You know, like so it you'llyou'll hear the poem's pretty
long because I took this veryliterally.
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (07:21):
Oh, you want it to include everything in the sheet.
SPEAKER_02 (07:24):
Um and he did say that he wanted to see all these
things like somehow circulatethrough in the poem.
Um, but the more artistic andpoetic people in class uh were
able to use a lot moresymbolizing, you know, symbols
or were able to show and nottell a lot better than I was
capable of doing.
SPEAKER_01 (07:45):
So is this the first poem you ever read?
SPEAKER_02 (07:49):
Wrote rather?
No, technically not.
Um I had forgotten that I wrotea poem that was published in a
zine that my sister-in-law putout um back when I was, you
know, very freshly postpartumwith the kids.
And that one I could read toyou.
It's pretty it's pretty dark.
Oh no.
I feel sad already just thinkingabout you postpartum writing a
(08:09):
poem.
I know.
So I've written poems before,but this is the first one where
I did it in a mind map with thissort of layout.
And had you asked me at thebeginning of school if I had
written a poem before, I wouldhave said no.
So I don't know what that weirdblockage of the poem that was
published in a fucking zine is.
(08:30):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (08:31):
Like interesting.
SPEAKER_02 (08:32):
Maybe it was just a postpartum.
Was that Kolina?
Yeah.
Does she still do this?
I no, she hasn't done one.
Um, although she's so artistic,which I don't she I wouldn't put
it past her to put out anotherzine.
Hers was really cool.
It was all about birth, and um,a lot of people did collections
of art or poetry or shortstories for it.
Um, I'll show it to you.
SPEAKER_01 (08:50):
Oh, cool.
SPEAKER_02 (08:50):
Yeah, it's really cool.
SPEAKER_01 (08:52):
Does she write anything?
SPEAKER_02 (08:53):
Uh I don't think she wrote anything for it that I can
remember.
Um, but she did beautifulartwork for it and then
collected from her friends anddid photography.
So each of the people who werepublished in it, um, she did a
photograph of them and theirchildren overlaid on top of each
other.
It was really cool.
I'll show it to you.
Oh my gosh, I can't wait to seethat.
Okay, cool, cool, cool.
Okay.
So that was the mind mappingthing.
(09:16):
And I've used this sort ofbubble technique for writing
stories too.
Um, although I found it reallyhelpful to like have this as
like a first being thrown intopoetry in class.
I thought it was just sohelpful.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Damn.
You ready?
SPEAKER_01 (09:34):
Yep.
SPEAKER_02 (09:35):
And uh I you can take this part out.
I might start crying, in whichcase I'll have to start.
SPEAKER_01 (09:41):
Oh my god!
SPEAKER_02 (09:43):
Oh my god, okay.
Or you don't have to take thatpart out.
I don't know.
Just like bear with me.
SPEAKER_01 (09:48):
I've taken my meds yet today, so little squirrelly.
SPEAKER_02 (09:51):
Oh, okay.
Just that's okay.
SPEAKER_01 (09:53):
Let's do it.
SPEAKER_02 (09:54):
Okay.
Uh the poem is called A FairTrade.
I sold my bakery.
Oh, ooh, sorry.
One very important part, becauseyou're gonna be like, what the
fuck?
You have to repeat that wasanother criteria.
You had to repeat one line inevery stanza.
Oh.
So uh that was a important part.
SPEAKER_01 (10:11):
Okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (10:12):
Structure, got it.
unknown (10:13):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (10:14):
I sold my bakery.
I sold my bakery.
My lifelong dream sincechildhood.
Wanting to bake since I couldpull up a stool.
I burned my hands as a smallchild on oven doors and caramel,
forever experimenting.
What makes a cake rise?
A normal question for aneight-year-old to ask.
I wanted to be just like her,placing pecan turtles that sit
(10:36):
pretty along the perimeter of apicture perfect cake, chocolate
sprinkles and buttercreamrosettes.
I sold my bakery.
Tired eyes look back at me everymorning.
This identity has had a grip forso long I don't know myself
without it.
Are my veins now filled withganache?
Is my skin soft, light meringue?
Is my doughy body made ofmalleable fondant?
No.
Cakes are beautiful works ofart, and this is no cake.
(10:59):
Hair unkempt, no longer blonde,just angry and exhausted.
Delicate sweetness nowhere to befound, no time for makeup.
Just a splash of water will do.
I sold my bakery.
I no longer have time for thewild church I've always loved,
the trails up mountains, a c atri-colored curly haired doodle
at my heels, wet dirt, red woodcanopies with light shining in,
(11:22):
reminding me of how beautifulthe world is.
The breath of life inside of mehas always been found amongst
the trees.
I need to get back to find myhigher power.
The moss and sapling.
I sold my bakery.
I sat and cried at the diningroom table every morning, next
to the art on my purple accentwall, cake slices, oil on
canvas, weighing to bald.
Two eggs scrambled on a burnttortilla.
(11:43):
Sometimes I throw in salsa if Ihave it.
But who am I kidding?
There's no time to go to thestore.
Cake scraps by day with theoccasional fresh berry, a hungry
raccoon by night eating in thedark, never enough nutrients for
long hours, or my milk-filledbreasts.
I sold my bakery.
I had held my swollen bellywhile I danced and sang at my
seat up far too late, knowingthe promised early morning, but
(12:06):
slash at his top hat and Axelsinging every note, the first
chords start playing, and I knewI will sing in a voice that I
can't hold a tune.
Sweet child of mine every nightforevermore.
The baby girl within me heldmore power.
I can't do it.
This is so sad.
unknown (12:31):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (12:32):
Sweet child of mine every night forevermore, the
baby girl within me held morepower than any amplifier with
eyes of the bluest skies.
As if they thought of rain.
I'd hate to look into those eyesand seeing an ounce of pain.
I sold my bakery.
All I want is to be home.
unknown (12:50):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (12:54):
Okay.
Jesus Keraminese.
Okay.
I sold my bakery.
All I want is to be home withthem.
Their little fingers and littletoes.
Giggles and kissed away tears,tiny voices calling out, giving
me the gift of being their mom.
I'm their mama.
But I need to make my art.
I need to keep constructingthese magical creations that
(13:16):
tower taller than every brideand groom.
I want to continue to be thesweetest part of so many firsts,
engagements, weddings, babyshowers, babies' birthdays.
This is also a gift, and I needmore hours every day.
I sold my bakery.
To a woman with wild hair andeyebrows that always looked
angry, a woman that had apresence like no other.
She took up a room by simplyexisting.
(13:38):
With all of the grandiose, shestill didn't last long,
misjudging how hard she had towork.
Her red lips always made up withover the top lipstick pursed in
defeat.
It was not just a piece of cake,was it?
I sold my bakery for toy coveredfloors and a crooked carpet, for
long days sitting on the floorjust next to a saggy couch,
furniture that I never actuallyget to sit on.
(14:01):
You're welcome for the wonderfulworld you know, playing above my
head, sung by an oversized manon an oversized TV screen.
The irony.
I sold my bakery to trade.
One dream for another.
The crumbs of cake being sweptaway after a long day has turned
into crumbs of crackers inbetween chubby fingers.
I will always have an oven, aspatula, flour and sugar.
(14:23):
My babies will only havefrosting kissed lips and lick
batter laden beaters withchocolate-covered cheeks for a
short time.
And I get to have these moments.
And I get to have these momentsbecause I sold my bakery.
SPEAKER_01 (14:43):
Oh sorry, that's all good.
SPEAKER_02 (14:49):
It's okay.
SPEAKER_01 (14:50):
I know it.
But it was just too much work.
SPEAKER_02 (14:54):
Yeah, it was too much work.
SPEAKER_01 (14:55):
And anyways, that was really good.
SPEAKER_02 (15:00):
I was not the first person in class to read a poem.
MJ was.
And I remember hearing hers, andhers was beautiful.
Um and it was about her sisterhaving cancer.
SPEAKER_01 (15:12):
Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02 (15:14):
I know.
And she read it so eloquently,and she read it with such like
passion and power, and shedidn't cry.
And I remember I think I was thenext person to read, or n the
next day or something, and thenI was like crying the whole time
I was reading.
And uh I was like, oh god.
(15:34):
Matt MJ is so good at this, andI'm so bad at this.
SPEAKER_01 (15:38):
Like so like composed.
Yeah.
MJ.
Can I just stop to go up on mynose?
Of course.
All right.
Okay, so that was so special,and I feel like you can really
see how the mind map played apart in it.
Yeah.
And now I think that I'm justlike, wow, that's such a great
(16:02):
way to organize your thoughtswhen it comes to like a poem
because it's like flowy too,like the way that you do the
mind map.
And it was really appropriate,you know, bringing all those
things into it.
And then with the refrain, it'slike, yeah, it just made a lot
of sense.
It was great.
Yeah, thank you.
SPEAKER_02 (16:23):
Yeah.
Um, I haven't read it sinceschool.
And that so that it's clearly itwas a little rusty.
SPEAKER_01 (16:30):
Oh right.
Like it kind of was likesurprising again again.
Like when you've written, yeah,that was very emotional.
I love like the idea that likeclosed your bakery, but you sort
of still have a bakery in yourhome, but the only people that
eat it are your kids orwhatever.
Or like you you say in it thatyou're gonna still make these
(16:50):
cakes for people, sure.
Which you have, but I like thatidea that it's like you keep
saying that you closed yourbakery and you did, but like
you're still baking.
Yeah.
There's just like you're findinglike this other balance.
Right.
I like the part about Maui, ohyeah, the guy from the umana.
What was the line?
SPEAKER_02 (17:10):
Thank you for the wonderful world you know.
Yeah, which is like you're themother, right?
Or you're welcome.
Yeah.
You're welcome, yeah.
You're welcome.
SPEAKER_01 (17:18):
So you're like on the floor, like playing with
them.
You're like, yeah, you'rewelcome, you little fucks.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
Little turds.
Um I'm gonna do that.
SPEAKER_02 (17:27):
Back a long time ago, we talked about it before,
but the compliment, um, becauseit he does a similar mind
mapping thing for prose, uh, forfiction writing.
Oh, but it was way less uhstructured.
SPEAKER_01 (17:40):
The prose one, what was it like?
I'd like to know that.
SPEAKER_02 (17:43):
That one was way like that one was not structured
at all.
It was like you just make one.
You like a you have a characterin your head, and then like you
had to have he, it was like aminimum of ten things that came
off of it, and it was like itcould have been whatever but you
started with the character, yes.
SPEAKER_01 (17:59):
Yeah, oh that would be good for me who like I kind
of struggle with characterdevelopment as well.
Yeah, but I do I need help withshort stories.
I wonder because I I startedworking on the um wetness story,
and okay, so we're gonna keepgoing with the story time
episode, but just a quick aside.
I'm somebody that I think thefirst thing that I come up with
(18:21):
when I write is a concept orlike a hook.
So the concept of the shortstory that I want to write is
like this woman, whenever shegets aroused, she has goo.
Okay, she's gooey with cyan andsparkly glittery stuff in her
underwear, in her parts.
(18:41):
Yeah.
And it's like, oh, I'm like,see, there's a story.
But people are like, well, whathappens in it?
Right.
Like, and that's that's how Ialways start with something like
that.
SPEAKER_02 (18:51):
My dad wrote an email to you, to me, but to you
about your about um Lou.
He did?
Yeah.
Holy shit.
SPEAKER_01 (18:58):
Do you want to hear it?
I okay, okay.
So sorry, I forgot about ituntil this very moment.
Wow, okay.
So Rachel's dad, Dave, who we'veheard from on a previous story
time, who had sort of this likePoe-esque story.
He just wrote me an emailbecause I've talked about trying
to write this story about thecyan and and sparkly wetness.
SPEAKER_02 (19:22):
Yeah, well, I mean, it's not a very it's uh you'll
see.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Oh my god.
Okay, so he sent this to me.
He goes, Kayla's blue arousaltrope reminded me of other times
I read it in science fiction.
I remember two examples that Ican share with you.
SPEAKER_01 (19:36):
Wow, cool.
SPEAKER_02 (19:36):
Yes.
The blue cocks from MargaretAtwoods, Oryx and Crake.
I've read that, yes.
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (19:42):
Oh wow, he likes he's an Atwood fan.
Oh, he he's a big reader.
Okay, yes, I remember those bluecocks.
Thank you, Dave.
And then and then he highlightsrefers to Did you use the word
cocks?
SPEAKER_02 (19:53):
Blue cocks, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (19:55):
Oh, well, that's the word she uses.
Okay.
Sure.
SPEAKER_02 (19:57):
First, the genetically engineered crackers,
a new genetically modified humanspecies.
They are designed by thecharacter Crake to be a
successor to humanity and haveblue penises, an artificial and
somewhat ridiculous trait thatserved as a symbol for their
status of their status andmanufactured species.
SPEAKER_01 (20:15):
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (20:16):
And then also from Google, the science fiction
book's new species series byLaurent Donner, the first book,
Fury, introduces a race ofgenetically manufactured human
animal hybrids who turn bluewhen they become aroused.
Details about the series arecharacters in the new species
are a race of geneticallyaltered beings originally
created in a lab and abused foryears and have recently escaped.
(20:40):
Wow.
The plot is that the books focuson a new species navigating
human society, finding love andprotecting their newly found
freedom from the humans whocreated them.
And the blue trait, thephysiological trait of their
skin turning blue when aroused,is a distinctive feature in the
species and a significant plotpoint throughout the series.
SPEAKER_01 (21:01):
So interesting that both of those authors, it was
blue.
Yeah.
And like I mine is bluish.
Yeah.
And I I wouldn't uhautomatically go to blue.
Like if I had to pick the colorof sex, it would be red or blue
pink.
Yeah, or like a hot pink.
Yeah, hot pink.
Yeah.
But and yet we keep on writingabout arousal being blue.
(21:21):
I wonder what that is.
Ooh, that's deep.
Thank you so much.
I I that series, um, that thesecond series that he mentioned
sounds so much like the kind ofthing that I would want to
write.
SPEAKER_02 (21:33):
Yeah.
Wow.
Um, okay, I have to read that.
Uh before we get to um Jesse.
Jesse, I just want to make thedog go away.
SPEAKER_01 (21:40):
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, sorry, the dog um Eugenehas been scratching at the door.
While she is making the dog goaway, I will read Jessie
Wingate's bio.
Jessie is a florist by day, poetby night, and round-the-clock
mom living on unceded Ohloneterritory.
Her work has been published oris forthcoming in Chimaran
(22:01):
Review, Calyx, Chestnut Review,Allium, Mother Meg, California
Quarterly, and others.
You can read more of her poetryat jessiewingate.com.
Wow, okay, so this is great.
I'm so happy to be listening toone of her poems, The Behold Em.
Jessie was somebody that Iworked with years ago, and she
(22:23):
is the one person.
There were so many women my age,so many cool people that I
worked with at Escaleto, andshe's the one person that I feel
like I still have sort of likean emotional tether to, and we
live on opposite sides of thebay, but I just love her and I
always will.
So let's see what the beholdensounds like.
SPEAKER_00 (22:46):
The Beholden I am a glutton for beauty, and I can
find it in most of what I see.
I lit like a crow for sparkle,every human body, beautiful in
its waddle, every flower I'veever met, certainly every cake
and pizza pie, the timber oftrainsong bakes a bread rising
(23:09):
in my throat, the bravado of afinch, there on the ground, in
shocking risk, the toll of arhyme rolled in my mouth like
wine from a bell shaped glass,music I feel it in the pulse of
windows lit at night, or theglaze of water worn like a gown.
Have you ever looked down in theshower?
(23:31):
Those are easy, but what aboutthe crackle of asphalt, graffiti
tagged streetside, the smell ofdiesel and aged piss when taken
together has a certain joie devive, a holiness?
What about the wrinkles on myface?
The summer death of grass, orthe bark of a slammed door.
(23:52):
I can see it in the mouse donecolor of that one kind of lichen
almost invisible against theboulder, yet yielding an
electric violet dye.
Roll me in trash and glasspetals, fill me with fondant
profanities shouted in thestreet, give me the blue cheese
and all the kinds of bodies,belch me into laughter, wrap me
(24:15):
up in paper like a day old bakedgood.
Take me to the river and wash menot in soap, but cover me in all
the matter, the ash and brown,tell me that the war is over,
the one we wage against theugly.
SPEAKER_01 (24:31):
Oh my god, I fucking love that.
That was great.
That was really beautiful.
The idea that um not onlyperfect things are beautiful and
that the ash faults and thefumes and the piss together have
a certain joie de vie.
I think that some people havesuch a higher tolerance for like
(24:54):
gross stuff than me.
Sure.
And I I kind of like to seethat.
Like, you know, like um, soJesse isn't this way, but you
know, like a gutter punk kind ofa person who has like stretched
out earlobes and sends peoplepictures of their poop in the
toilet.
Right.
You know, like these kind ofpeople who can get into both,
(25:15):
like the really beautiful thingsand the scummy things, and like
they're not afraid of embracingall of it.
I I admire that.
SPEAKER_02 (25:23):
You know, uh there's that line like that, the bark of
a closed door.
Yeah, you know, that's exactlywhat my teacher used to talk
about.
Really?
You know, just like you can youcan hear that, you know, like
the slam.
Yeah, like a bark, but I wouldnever put those words together
in my own head.
SPEAKER_01 (25:38):
Yes, but yeah, but both the slam and the bark are
so like immediate.
Yeah, right.
They just sort of like likehappen so fast.
SPEAKER_02 (25:48):
Um really, really great writing, or like the the
being a day old bake goodwrapped in paper, like all of
it, just it's what greatimagery.
Yeah, good, great.
SPEAKER_01 (25:58):
And I love the bird, um, the red bird like on the
ground.
Yeah.
And how the risk of that waslike startling to her, which is
is it can be so startling to seesomething alive in a risky
situation or like in peril.
Like if you saw like a somebodyon a train track, like walking
(26:19):
on the train track and you knewa train, like you know, like
that camera is so visceral.
Damn it, that was so good.
SPEAKER_02 (26:26):
Thank you.
Okay, wait, dude, um, I knowthat we talked about it before
the we started recording, andthen I walked out to take care
of the dog.
Did you share that that herpublished that that she's been
published?
SPEAKER_01 (26:38):
Yes, that she's been published in all these different
places.
It's so awesome.
That's so the coolest.
And yeah, you really I can seewhy I can see why these editors
and the people who want topublish your work and pluck it
out of the piles and stuff.
I can see why your work standsout for sure.
Um amazing.
Okay, so now I guess I have tofollow that with something
(27:01):
totally different.
Um Yeah, we're switching gears.
Switching gears.
So this is the Van Life story.
This was, I think, my firstshort story that I ever wrote.
My husband felt that there'ssome violence that happens in
this story um that he felt likeit wasn't really earned.
And then um Rachel's husbandfelt like he could see that
(27:24):
coming and that it made sensethat a character would be
violent.
And we had like a whole sort ofchat about that on a previous
episode.
And so I'm gonna read it now.
So the title is hashtag fanlife, and after I read this, I'm
gonna publish it on our Reddit.
Okay, hashtag FanLife.
(27:45):
I'm the only psychiatrist in theshared office space that sees
clients in the evening.
A lot of folks can only come totherapy after their work days.
It feels good to be available tothose people so they can get
help.
I have a full client list.
Clayton is a rakish 25-year-oldman who pays$275 out of pocket
bi-weekly to sit in my officewhere I try to figure out if
(28:08):
he's lying to himself or justme.
At first I found his behaviortoward women creepy, if not
truly alarming.
But over the last six months hehas won me over.
He loves women deeply andrecklessly in a way that only
exists anymore in the romancenovels of the 1980s that I pluck
off of thrift store shelves.
Even if I could share thedetails of our sessions, I would
(28:31):
never admit to anyone that heturns me on.
Sometimes I wish Clayton wouldfall in love with me so I could
be loved like that.
Ridiculous, I know.
I'm a 60-year-old woman with amole on my neck and tits that
take an industrial-sized bra tohike up off my stomach.
Still, the erotic part of mybrain has not altogether
atrophied.
Life is short.
(28:51):
I've got to squeeze a littlemischief and sensuality from
somewhere.
Questions are normally all Igive to Clayton.
He isn't much for psychologicalfacts or advice.
He won't fill any of theprescriptions he needs.
But I choose not to push.
I keep him comfortable, so hekeeps coming back.
Plus, he pays cash, which Idon't always document.
She wanted me to come over.
(29:12):
I can read between the lines, hesays.
What did she text back?
I ask.
She didn't.
I stand and open the officewindow.
The room is muggy.
The street lights in the parkinglot pop on in the dusk.
Are there lines to read betweenif she didn't text anything to
you?
I ask.
Absolutely.
The between was all I had to goon.
(29:33):
My girl has different kinds ofsilences, and the silence this
morning meant that she wanted meto come by.
I had her location on my phone,so I knew where she was parked.
She would have turned that offif she didn't want me to come
over.
I suppress a grimace and take asip of my tea.
And how did she re react whenyou showed up at her van?
(29:54):
What time did you say it was?
It was five in the morning.
She was, you know, I said, Comeon out here.
To crawl around in your vehicle,I said, Well, you're up now,
aren't you?
My daughter Casey had beentalking about buying a van for
weeks.
She showed me Instagram postsunder hashtag banlife, images of
thin bohemian white couplesdrifting around America,
(30:16):
documenting their poeticjourneys of self-discovery,
believing they were shirkinglate stage capitalism.
She said, Mama, I can make moneyjust by chronicling a summer
road trip.
She was Gen Z explaining to me,but I knew what an influencer
was.
Finally, I made her a deal.
I transferred her the money forher flights to Europe and her
(30:36):
Eurorail pass so that she wouldgo with Soma and Chloe like she
originally planned.
She would go to all the iconic,read safe touristy places in
Europe with her best friends intow.
This story of Clayton's wasconfirmation that my meddling
into Casey's plans had beenright.
Had she bought the van, shemight have had some unhinged man
(30:57):
banging on the window of her vanin the morning when she was
trying to sleep.
At least the woman Clayton wasinvolved with would be older,
rougher around the edges, a truetransient, more equipped to deal
with a stalker than a softdaughter like mine.
I can't remember which woman hewas talking about just now, but
Clayton had a type.
Older women who were down ontheir luck.
I usually don't do this, but Idecide to offer a nugget of
(31:19):
truth.
Humans are actually really badat guessing what others are
thinking and feeling.
Do you believe that?
Does that resonate with you?
Clayton scratched the scruff onhis cheek.
Most people don't know their assfrom their ankles.
But someone like me, when I havea divine connection with a
woman, I can hear her thoughtsand feel her feelings.
I'm an empath.
It's like a gift, especially ifI've made love to them.
(31:42):
Sex creates a soul tie.
That's in the Bible.
All the holy books say it.
I almost laughed.
Did the women Clayton courtedfall for this crap?
This was always theuncomfortable part of Clayton's
stories.
When the woman is resisting andI don't know how it's gonna go.
I shifted in my chair.
I'd like to hear him describethe women, all of the specific
little things he loved aboutthem.
(32:04):
I'll never forget hisdescription of one lady's hips.
I wanted to circumnavigate herlike an undiscovered world.
But he wasn't giving me thattoday.
Then she let me have the keysand I drove her around a bit,
windows down, sunrise, air in myhair.
I nod.
I like it when his stories takeon this melodic stream of
consciousness style.
(32:25):
He might be a good writer if hehad any discipline.
He went on, goosebumps on herlegs, buckle up, we're going to
Tijuana.
My eyes go wide.
You went to Mexico together on awhim?
He chuckled.
Dr.
Nelson, I'm here, aren't I?
I roll my eyes.
Point taken, you couldn't havedriven to Mexico this morning.
I wanted her to think I wastaking her to Tijuana so that
(32:47):
when we got into the hills, itwouldn't seem so far.
I'm not supposed to appear topass judgment, but I do.
I think this guy needs therapy.
Then I remember that's exactlywhat he's doing here.
He should really see someoneelse, someone less lonely.
Time's up, no?
He gestures towards the clock onthe wall.
Time is up.
I guess I won't be hearing thespicy part.
(33:09):
Ah, doctor, you want to hear therest, don't you?
Maybe you should be paying meinstead of the other way around.
My nostrils feel tight.
I have a habit of flaring themin an unattractive, bullish way
when I'm offended.
I touch my earlobe.
My new yellow gold hoop withPave crystals isn't there.
The earring on the other sideconfirms that I put them on this
(33:30):
morning.
My boyfriend had given them tome a month prior on our two year
anniversary.
He bought a similar pair for mydaughter Casey too.
Only they were white gold.
Clayton is still talking.
This one's funny.
She was hollering, and I toldher, no more of this Taylor
Swift shit.
I'm putting on Bohemianrhapsody, and maybe it'll sound
like you're singing karaoke.
(33:50):
I lean over my chair and scanthe carpet for my earring.
It worked, it was likebackground vocals.
Mama oo Why is he singing now?
He's acting strange.
He should go.
I push my chair back and get onmy hands and knees.
Dr.
Nelson, what are you lookingfor?
My earring, it's special.
I'm not sure when it fell off.
(34:11):
At the side of the desk I sweepmy arm under the drawers, but
when I look up, Clayton iscrawling toward me.
His shoulder blades like ajaguar as they roll up and down.
I freeze in my tabletopposition.
He reaches and holds out hishand.
I cut my hand and he lets thegolden hoop tumble down his palm
into mine.
He stands.
(34:32):
Thank you, I say, and sit backon my heels to fasten it to my
ear.
Then I look up at him.
You look good like that, hesays.
I blink.
Was something happening betweenus?
I'm speechless.
The moment stretches on.
My breath quickens.
He takes a step toward me.
Will he take my head in hishands?
(34:53):
He reaches for my hand, and Ilet him help me to my feet.
The tension between usdissipates for a moment, giving
me a chance to resist.
Right, I'm sorry to cut you offin the middle of your story, but
can we pick up there in a coupleof weeks?
I'll put a pin in it, he winks.
Clayton, did did you say she washollering?
He shrugs and leaves the office,not bothering to shut the door
(35:16):
behind himself.
I hear him singing that samerefrain from Bohemian Rhapsody
again as he leaves.
Mamma, oo didn't mean to makeyou cry if I'm not back again
this time tomorrow.
As I go to shut the office door,I see my next client sitting
rigidly on the couch in thewaiting room, her head turned to
(35:38):
the entrance that Clayton justleft through.
I'm sorry, Petra, that went on alittle long.
Come on in.
She stands and places hermagazine back on the stack, on
the coffee table.
He was odd.
She laughs unconvincingly.
She got a bad vibe from him.
When she enters the office andsits down, she shifts in her
seat and pulls a set of keys outfrom under her bottom.
(36:00):
Did he leave these?
She holds them out to me.
I take them from her and lookout of the window.
He's not in the parking lot.
I glance down at the tangle offeminine keychains.
I don't think so, I say, as Iplace them on my desk and open
up Petra's file on my laptop.
When our session is over andPetra has used half of my
tissues, she thanks me andleaves.
(36:20):
I look at the keys on my desk.
Amid the charms, there's aglittery lavender boot with the
initials T S on it.
It's a miniature of the onesTaylor Swift wore when Casey and
I saw her on the Eris tour.
I run my thumb along therhinestones and my stomach
drops.
There are two basic brass keysand a larger silver one with the
Volkswagen logo on it.
(36:42):
There's a light knocking.
Petra is in the doorway.
I'm finding so many treasures inyour office today, she says.
She hurries over and places agolden hoop earring on my desk.
See you next time.
My fingers fly to my earlobes asPetra walks out.
Both hoops are hanging there.
I take the left one out andplace it next to the other on my
desk.
The one from my ear is whitegold.
(37:03):
The one on my desk is yellowgold.
Clayton didn't find my earring.
He gave me Casey's.
I rummage through my purse untilI find my phone.
I enter the passcode with ashaking finger.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, I say as Inavigate through the
disorganized icons, trying toremember how to find the
location sharing app.
Finally I pull it up, andthere's a dot that is Casey's
(37:25):
location, the only one sharedwith me.
It is on a long line surroundedby green.
I zoom out and see that she'ssomewhere to the east of the
city.
Not so far as Tijuana, but thehills.
Mama, mama.
She was hollering for me.
Is the dot moving?
I zoom in.
It isn't moving.
I grab my purse and stumble outof the office, down the hall,
(37:47):
into the parking lot to my car.
I plug my phone in and make thecar navigate to the dot on the
phone screen.
The dot that is my daughter, orat least her phone.
I instruct my car to call hercontinually.
She's not picking up.
I'm getting close now, followingthe dark, winding road up the
city glittering below.
My high beams are on, and myeyes scan back and forth,
looking for Casey on either sideof the road.
(38:08):
If she did buy a van, she can'tstart it.
She doesn't have her keys.
Call Casey, I scream.
Calling Casey, my car's honeyvoice says for the umpteenth
time.
Dr.
Nelson, Clayton's voicesurrounds me from my car
speakers.
Clayton, what the fuck are youdoing with Casey's phone?
You know, he puts on a mockingfemale tone, humans are actually
(38:31):
really bad at guessing whatothers are thinking and feeling.
I see it turn out ahead and Ipress the brake to slow my
speeding car.
I crank the wheel and pull it inbeside the same van that Casey
had described as the one shewanted.
I burst out of the car and runto the van, pounding on the
window, screaming.
As I take a breath, I hear mydaughter's laughter.
(38:52):
I sprint around the van and seeCasey and Clayton sitting on a
concrete barrier overlooking thecity.
They've turned to me.
Casey is unexplicably smoking acigarette.
Tears stream down my face.
I double over and grab my knees,catching my breath.
Thank God, thank Jesus, I say.
Oh my god, mama, calm down,Casey yells with laughter in her
(39:16):
voice.
See, I told you she'd bring themno big deal, Clayton says,
squeezing her thigh.
Do you have my keys?
Casey asks me.
I straighten and fish her keysfrom my pocket.
I do, I say.
Casey hops up and flicks hercigarette onto the pavement.
She reaches for her keys, but Ipull them back.
I shake my head, lookingstraight at Clayton, who sits
(39:39):
calmly, just like he did in myoffice less than two hours ago.
Why did you have her earring?
He was supposed to pawn them,Casey says, shooting him a
playful scowl.
Casey, honey, this isn'thappening.
You're coming with me.
We're selling that van.
You're going to Europe.
You're gonna dump this low life.
Are you jealous of yourdaughter, Dr.
(40:01):
Nelson?
Blood runs into my cheeks.
I told you I can read betweenthe lines, he says, standing,
approaching us.
Casey lunges for her keys.
I pull away and fall hard on mytailbone.
Clayton's hands wrap around myankles.
He yanks.
My skull cracks on the concrete.
(40:21):
My daughter begins to sing.
Hey, okay, so that's it.
SPEAKER_02 (40:26):
But this is a different version than the one I
had read before.
Is it?
SPEAKER_01 (40:31):
It's way different.
It's way different.
I think this is unedited.
Sorry guys.
I looked, okay.
This is a fucking writer'sproblem.
You look for a piece of work andyou find seven different
versions in your Google Docs,and you're like, which fucking
one was it?
Yeah.
So I think this is like theunabridged version.
It's definitely unedited becausethere's like I repeat words a
(40:55):
lot.
Sure, sure, sure.
And things like that.
I get it.
Um, but it's really what's weirdis that I have Clayton grabbing
her by the angles.
And Rachel and I have thisrunning joke about like um sexy
romanticy wolves and stuffgrabbing you by the angles to
like ravage you.
And it's weird that I wrote thatin.
SPEAKER_02 (41:16):
And that was way, that was way before we had this
joke.
SPEAKER_01 (41:20):
Oh.
Yeah.
I guess maybe I'm a littleromanticy.
Maybe I should keep it writing.
Maybe kind of each other.
I know.
Well, maybe we'll see.
Anyways, um I don't know whatversion that was, but I hope you
liked it and maybe it quenchedsomebody's curiosity who had
listened to the older episode.
(41:41):
I think the one we calledChallenge Accepted.
Yeah, I mean, I'm I'm not sure.
Yeah, that's our story time, andwe would love to hear your
stories and poems for next time.
We put these out occasionally,and you know, as soon as we get
something from someone we wantto read, basically, or we have
something we want to share.
So how do they send it in?
SPEAKER_02 (42:03):
Uh, okay, so you can go to our website, which is
writeyourheartoutpod.com, andthere's two ways to submit.
You can, you know, just find thesubmit button.
It's very easy, top rightcorner.
It'll take you to a little form.
You can fill out just like, doyou want to stay anonymous?
Blah, blah, blah.
It's so easy.
Or you can find us on Reddit.
We would also love, like, youcan, if you've posted something
(42:25):
before, just share it to us too,because we'd love to see it
there.
Um, or just contact atwriteyourheartoutpod.com.
SPEAKER_01 (42:32):
Okay, we would love to hear from you.
Thanks for listening, guys, andwe'll talk to you next time.
Bye.
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