April 12, 2024 • 30 mins
Have you ever found yourself tongue-tied, unable to articulate your needs without fear of stepping on toes? Join us, Debbie Gold and my son Greg, as we navigate the nuanced pathways of assertiveness on the You Are Not Alone podcast. Together, we peel back the layers of communicating effectively, whether it's turning down an invitation with grace or standing your ground in a professional setting. Our conversation is a treasure trove of personal experiences, from my own days leading a transformative therapy group to Greg's candid revelations about his journey towards assertive prowess.
Assertiveness isn't just about getting your voice heard; it's a delicate balance that requires finesse and understanding. In today's episode, we dissect the subtle yet crucial distinctions between assertive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive tendencies. Our exchange isn't just theoretical—we share real-life scenarios and the practical steps we've taken to overcome the barriers to assertive expression. We emphasize the importance of preparation and practice in honing this skill, offering up tips that you can apply immediately to your next challenging conversation.
Wrapping up, we explore how assertiveness unfolds across various social landscapes, from the anxiety-inducing realm of asking someone out to the high-stakes environment of job interviews. Through heartfelt stories and pragmatic advice, we shed light on how simple techniques, like using "I statements," can transform your interactions and help maintain healthy boundaries. So tune in for a robust discussion on the art of assertiveness, where we remind you that standing up for yourself never means standing alone.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to another episode of the you Are
Not Alone podcast.
I'm your co-host, debbie Gold,and I'm here with my co-host and
son, greg, and we're so gladthat you're here.
Each week on this show, we willtalk about issues that matter
most to you, and it is our wishthat you will find hope,
encouragement and a little bitof Jesus in every show.
(00:22):
Again, we're so glad thatyou're here and thanks for
listening.
Hello, welcome to our showtoday.
Yeah, we're excited to be here.
We're going to be talking aboutassertiveness and being able to
say no to people.
(00:42):
Last week we talked aboutself-esteem and this sort of is
a piggyback A carry-on.
A carry-on or a piggyback ontothat?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
It was funny.
You were discussing the topicsof this podcast and you were
like, what about assertiveness?
And I was like, oh sure, butinside my head I was like, what
is that?
And so I was like, honestly,mom?
Speaker 1 (01:04):
But inside my head I was like what is that you know?
And so I was like honestly momwhat is assertiveness?
Speaker 2 (01:08):
And then I Googled it or you told me what it was and
I was like oh, I know how to dothat, you know.
So I did it without knowingwhat it was basically.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Right, it's such a good topic though.
Yeah, for sure.
It's a skill that we all needto have, Right yeah, because
communication runs the world.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
So I googled it just for like a little you know heads
up on this episode and it saidbeing assertive means that it's
communicating with others in adirect or honest manner without
intentionally hurting anyone'sfeelings.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Isn't that awesome.
Yeah, I like that is so simple.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
It sums it up perfectly.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
And how often do we get like, oh, I'm not going to
say anything because I don'twant to rock the boat.
Or you have something happenover and over again and then you
just start yelling at somebodybecause you didn't get it across
yes, or you didn't speak up.
(02:05):
Yes, and so I think it'sdefinitely a good topic and
something that we could, all youknow.
I'm just reminded I love doingthese podcasts because I get
reminded of some of the habitsthat I need to break or that
I've gotten into, or some youknow, we all make mistakes right
, we're sinners.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
You work on your traits as you.
You know we all make mistakes.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Right, we're sinners, but you work on your traits, as
you you know, talk about anddiscuss them.
And so, as I was thinking aboutassertiveness and I was being
reminded of when I first was inmy internship, after I had my
master's degree and I wasworking, I did a group with
women on how to be assertive.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Yeah, I used to work with women that were.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Tell me about it.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Well, they were women that were in usually hard
situations you know abusiverelationships or single moms and
so we would talk about beingassertive, being aggressive and
the difference between those two.
And then the difference betweenbeing passive, aggressive which
(03:07):
is a whole nother.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
I hate passive aggressive.
Yeah, keep going about that.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
So, yeah, I mean, there's just the different
levels.
So where we want to get to is aplace of being just assertive,
being able to express our needsin a very respectful way and
without hurting anyone'sfeelings Without hurting
anyone's feelings withouthurting anyone's feelings.
When was this class?
It was just a small group, atherapy group that I did okay
yeah, cool how many people werein that was well varied.
(03:33):
I did a series you do like asix-week series.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Oh, okay, yeah, and they sit around in a circle and
it's like a little intervention.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Right, I do the educational part where I teach
it, and then we talk about ourissues.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Oh, so you taught it, yeah, okay.
Yeah.
So you went over like you knowdifferent topics and stuff like
that Interesting, okay, and theycame from.
You know different backgroundsor the people, okay, cool.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Yeah, it was at a nonprofit agency.
Oh, that's cool to 1995 thereyou go that's when I worked
there so long ago.
Yeah, it was a big year.
I got married and we bought thehouse wow and I was becoming a
(04:15):
therapist big, big year for you.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Big year, yeah, that's crazy anyways.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
so now that we kind of know what assertiveness is, I
think that I recognize it somuch yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
It's so in high school, middle school and
college.
Because, think about it, gossip, gossip, gossip, gossip.
Right, that is the opposite ofbeing assertive, because, like I
mean, assertive iscommunicating with each other
directly or honestly.
Gossip is not that it's goingbehind each other's backs, it's
being sneaky and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
It's not talking to someone directly about something
that happened.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
It ruins um relationships and friendships my
freshman year of high school.
You remember that little friendgroup I had with those girls.
Like nasty and toxic gosh, theyhated each other one week and
then the next week I'm goingover to her house.
I was like I thought you saidyou hated her.
Well, that was just because Isaid that, and I was like you
(05:11):
tell me that you hate her gutswhen I'm driving in the car with
you.
Two days later, you're at herhouse having a picnic.
I'm like what is going on here?
Speaker 1 (05:23):
So it was so toxic and I didn't know what was going
on with each other.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Well, there you go.
Nobody communicated honestly.
Everyone was just making upstories.
They were gossiping.
Relationships were in the way.
It was just a mess.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Yeah, that's exactly.
That's such a good example.
That's what will happen.
And also gossip, I just want toadd, is something the Bible
does not promote, not at all,but it's so childish something
the Bible does not promote,right Not at all, but it's so
childish.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
No, if you've got a problem with someone or like
something, you can just speak up.
You know yeah.
I agree, I've heard a lot ofpeople be like if you have a
problem with something say it,you know.
There's no point of hiding it,because then the problem's not
going to get resolved, right?
Speaker 1 (05:56):
And I think when you say things, eventually people
are going to come to know thatyou're that kind of person.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
That will say something that you can talk to
right and they're going tobecome, uh, more okay with with
you and who you are and they'llbe more open with dialoguing
with you yeah, I had a friend inhigh school his name is david
um, he would just say anythingor like he was like almost the
loud kid, but he wasn't likedisrespectful loud, like he
(06:22):
would say his opinion like on a.
He would laugh out loud oh mygosh, that's funny.
And then the whole class wouldbe kind of off to it.
But then as the year went bypeople started to love it and he
was so loud and he just didn'thave any confidence issues and
he would just be loud, but hewould be up front and stuff like
(06:43):
that.
Everyone loved it because theyfelt so comfortable.
Sure, he's not going to judgeme because he doesn't care.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
You know he's funny and goofy.
They've come to know.
They came to know who he wasHis character.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
His character yeah, that's awesome.
I love that.
Yeah, he was such a character.
So.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
You know, I think, that we deal with situations
every day of our lives where wecan practice our being assertive
.
We were mentioning or talking,before we got on the show here,
about going to one of yourprofessors or a teacher with a
question that you have.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Right, so many people don't do it in college.
Yeah, so many people are likeoh, the professors are evil,
they're gremlins and stuff likethat.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Those are evil, they're gremlins and stuff like
that.
Those are excuses.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
No, those are excuses .
But for larger schools like A&M, tech or something like that, I
can see how kind of becausesome professors might not be,
you know, the most open oroutgoing but if you, if you make
the extra effort.
Like my first semester of highschool or college, I met my
professor, dr Farwell.
It was for intro to businessand it was like four classes in
(07:49):
or something like that.
I just finally went to him witha question after class and he
was like super nice to where.
I almost was like surprisedthat he was so happy that I was
asking a question.
I was like why is he so happythat I'm asking a simple
question?
I need something I need helpyeah um, and then the second
class.
After I asked him the question,he was like why is he so happy
(08:09):
that I'm?
Asking a simple question.
I need something, I need help,yeah.
And then the second class afterI asked him the question, he
was like yeah, you have a goodday, man, something like that.
And I don't know what he said,but we clicked off a little
conversation no-transcript.
He was such a cool professorbecause we had, you know, he was
(08:30):
a.
State Farm employee as well,that's right.
Yes, yeah, so he had his ownlittle State Farm firm and it
was like his first year of beinga professor and for the first
time a teacher kind of opened upup to me.
He was like, oh my gosh, greg.
Um, I'm stressed as hellbecause I'm managing my state
farm firm and then also I'mtrying to teach a class and four
months ago I didn't know I wasgoing to be teaching this class
(08:52):
when the uh university reachedout to me or something like that
and I was like, really I had noidea and he's like yeah, I had
to help one of one of the uhco-workers had to print some of
the slide shows for thecoursework and stuff like that.
I had to research late at night.
You know how do I?
You know, da, da, da, da da.
He's like how do you think I'mdoing?
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Oh my gosh.
I was like you're doing great.
That is so good.
I love your class.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
I enjoy your class.
He's like, really, yeah, I'mlike, no, you're doing a great
job as a professor.
You're a lot better than mostof my high school teachers and
stuff like that.
So it was cool because I could.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
I hope they're not listening yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
That'd be funny, reaches out to me.
I'm sure he'd love it.
But yeah, it was so coolbecause he came to me for help
and advice almost, and I waslike this guy's a professor and
he's asking me for advice.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
You know, super cool.
That's another thing aboutbeing a.
We have to remember that we allare human and we all have needs
.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Yeah, you can view your professor as a human.
He's not just a professor.
He's also a human that goeshome and has a family and a wife
he wants to be happy.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
He wants to do a good job.
He's like everybody else.
Right, even though they'relooked at on more of a hierarchy
above you.
But yeah, and you also talkedabout like maybe being in a
larger university and this canhappen in small or large, but
where they're maybe not aspersonable or they don't really
(10:18):
get to know their students,whatever.
But you know, maybe they actlike they don't have time for
you or they kind of blow you offor whatever, but you have to be
prepared for some of those kindof situations as well.
Absolutely, you know professorsthey're busy ass people.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
Yeah, they don't have time for some things, or?
Speaker 1 (10:39):
maybe it's not a good day for them, right you?
Speaker 2 (10:40):
caught them at the wrong time and they gave you a
bad answer.
Right, shoot them an email.
You have to for them, right?
You caught them at the wrongtime and they gave you a bad
answer, right?
Speaker 1 (10:44):
uh, shoot them an email you have to be, yeah, you
have to be able to know that youmay not always get that warm
fuzzy right, yeah, exactly butyou, you know, most likely you
will, but not always yeah, andso you have to just put your
armor on and be okay with thatyeah, it sucks, but sucks.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
but yeah, go to plan B, there you go.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Um, okay, so when we're being assertive, there's
something called the three C'sof assertiveness.
Um, to be confident when you'retalking, make sure your message
is real clear and be reallycontrolled and speak in a very
calm and controlled manner.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Yeah, I've.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
I've heard um people say that if you speak slower, it
makes you sound more confidentbecause, it makes you sound like
you know what you're talkingabout more, and you know what
you're going to say yeah and yousee more calm about the subject
I think when you talk fast, itthere's like this underlying
sense that there may be someanxiety there yeah I'm really
(11:47):
nervous about this you know thatkind of something like that.
Yeah, I'm not sure about whatI'm talking about or you know
any of that yeah, um um, so whatare the obstacles to being
assertive?
I think I want to kind of hiton that a little bit.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Feelings.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Feelings like you don't know what you're feeling.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
No, you don't want to hurt their feelings.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Oh well, you can't manage anyone else's feelings.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Let's get that set down so whatever someone else
feels from a conversation that'stheir stuff.
But for topics it can differtoo.
You know, if it's a sensitivetopic and you don't want to hurt
somebody's feelings, it mightbe hard to come across that way.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
Yeah, but I also think like if you think it might
be a sensitive issue, you haveto be a little more sensitive
and think more about what you'regoing to say Right, right,
exactly.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Get clear on that that, yeah, you can't just, you
know, hop in, oh my god, jenny'ssick, or something like that,
or something worse.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
But yeah, um, I think another obstacle is you think
that your, your, your needsdon't matter.
Oh, it's okay I'll be fine,don't worry about me, those kind
of things.
Yeah, or another obstacle isyou think you're going to get
flustered, because you've donethat before.
It's like I tried this once andI got flustered and it didn't
(13:14):
turn out.
Well, you know, you've got topractice what you're going to
say.
Yeah, you really have to.
So don't let what you think theoutcome might be.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Affect what you're going to do.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Stop you?
Yes, right, go ahead andpractice, practice, practice and
I would tell the ladies to dothat over and over.
Write it down.
Write down what you want to say.
Get a good idea in your head.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
But also don't overthink it.
Be confident, it's you know,you can do this yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Well, there is that and that's okay for some people
but some people do need to, youknow.
But you're right, I like that.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
So you know be confident.
Yeah, cause a lot of times youknow if you're going to say,
let's say you're practicingassertiveness to tell someone
something like, let's say, youhave to go talk to your neighbor
downstairs or something likethat, but you have anxiety with
doing that right to your class.
You teach assertiveness orsomething like that, but, um,
(14:07):
you know you're still kind ofnervous or something like that.
You know you can just practiceit and people tend to overthink
it and they eat themselves upwith it, you know.
And so you can just stand infront of the mirror and like
practice what you're going tosay.
Practice what you're going tosay.
Practice what you're going tosay.
But if you overthink it, likeit.
Practice what you're going tosay, but if you overthink it, it
hurts you kind of.
So just tell yourself thatyou're confident you got this,
(14:28):
because when you back yourselfup like that, it's helpful.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Right, I feel, and I think more toward the end.
Here we'll talk about how doyou be assertive, how can you do
that, and so that'll help withsome of that, I think I want to
put you on the spot here just alittle bit.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Okay, Um so, a situation where you could be, um
, not real comfortable with andI'm not talking about you in
general, I'm just saying ingeneral- or not specifically you
, but in general.
What about?
I mean, this is really anawkward thing for a lot of young
kids, young Zen, you know Gen Zpeople.
But asking someone out on adate right.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
So I mean, if you saw the pretty girl at the coffee
shop or you know whatever, what,how, how do you think you
really wanted to like?
Do you?
Do you have a sense about howyou might handle that?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Yeah, so she's behind the counter.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Sure she can be behind the counter, she can be
doing.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
I've seen one at a coffee shop before, so you just
go up to her.
Hey, I thought you were reallycute.
I was wondering if I could getyour number or if you're free
later, or something like that.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
And say it slow, say it slow.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Say it slow.
Say it slow, hey, it's a littlebit slow, I know right, and
they're like what?
Hey?
Speaker 2 (15:41):
my name is yeah, and I thought you were cute.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Oh, that's a great way to start.
Hey, my name is Greg.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Yeah, and I thought you were cute, I noticed you and
was wondering if.
Yeah, If I could you know, askfor your number or you know that
are recently done.
Compliment those that's rightsee if their toes toenails are
done because girls they likethat when you compliment their
(16:06):
toes um see if they have a nicedress on anything you can
compliment just there's alwayssomething you can say nice about
somebody and their appearance.
Yeah, because once you get asmile in, you're golden, there
you go but um what I heard youdo was using I statements.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
You know, like you know, I noticed you back here
working and I was wondering if Icould get your phone number.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
I'd love to go have some coffee, make him blush a
little bit yeah, yeah.
Then you're in, so anyway.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Okay, so that's, that's good.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
I think also like during job interviews or when
we're sort of this you know wealready talked about that being
this sort of the superior person.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Oh, job interview one's a really good thing to do
too, because at the end of everysingle job interview I've been
to, they always ask you, do youhave any questions for us about
the job?
And I used to say no, and dadwas like no, no, no, no, no
You're doing everything wrongokay so you want to ask them
questions.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
That's right.
Dad is a.
You know he does executiverecruiting and recruiting for
high-tech companies.
Right to get employees in openpositions at companies.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
So he's very very good at interviews interviews 24
7.
He interviews people all thetime over the phone, stuff like
that, yeah right so he was likegreg, you're doing this wrong
here, you want it and you wantto know golden question, that'll
help your interview, uh, and Iwas like sure, and he goes okay.
So when they ask you, you know,do you have any questions for
(17:36):
us?
Either, if there's one personin the interview or two people
in the interview, go to them.
What is your favorite partabout working here?
And you know, eye contact,direct, you know, and then
they'll have to, you know, havea personal experience and stuff
like that.
And if it's a personalexperience, maybe you can relate
that way, build a little deeperrelationship there and then if
you have any other concerns orquestions that that, even that
(17:59):
are small or big, ask them,because they're there for your
questions.
That's why they asked you know,do you have anything else we
can help with?
Speaker 1 (18:06):
So I love the one.
I know that young people areafraid to ask well, what's the
starting pay?
Yeah, it seems like you andyour brother avoid that whole
question.
I've talked to other parentsabout it.
I hate to ask.
So here's another way you cansay you can say so I'm curious
what the starting pay for mewould be.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
So I'm curious, you know.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
I statement yeah, right.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Now what is the starting pay?
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Yeah, I'm curious to know what the starting pay is
going to be for this position.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
For this position.
Yeah, so very fair question.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
No, absolutely yeah.
So it doesn't hurt to ask too,because you just want to get
informed, you know, of whyyou're working there.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yeah, yeah, is this going to fit for me.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Is this going to work for me?
Is this a good paying job forme?
Speaker 1 (19:08):
You need to know what you're going to get paid,
because you may want to buy acar or something and you've got
to save up.
And how do you, how do you dothat right?
So I think the first thing thatyou need to do is really kind
of look at your style, likereally assess yourself.
So does you know, um, do youlike to express your opinions or
do you kind of keep quiet aboutthose?
Right?
Do you like to say yes when youreally need to say no because
(19:31):
your schedule is so full rightnow?
Right?
yeah, like if someone asks youto do something for them.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
I hate doing that.
I don't know why I do that.
I always, you know, are youfree right now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because Iwant to be nice to them, or
something like that.
But are you free right now?
Yeah, yeah, cause I want to benice to them, or something like
that.
But then I'm like mentally orphysically exhausted and I just
got done with something and I'mlike inside.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
I know you did that for me.
I know you go out and you doyour job and you work and you do
your college and then, likewhen you're home this summer and
I know you've been out doingyour landscaping business and
which I'm really proud of youfor- You're doing a really great
job.
We got another client as well,nice, yeah, so wait to hear.
Yeah, um, anyway.
(20:08):
But and then I go, you know,you come home and I'm like, can
you help me move this thing overhere, can you help me with that
?
And I know you probably justwant to get in the shower and
you know, but that's anotherthing you could say too.
It's like, hey, mom, I want tohelp you and I will.
I let me get in the showerfirst.
I really need to take a showeryeah so there's, you know, you
can meet your needs before allright, jumping on my stuff.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
I see it as mama first, then me second.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Well don't yeah, you got to put your needs first,
it's okay, I mean, I appreciatethat.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Yeah, I always want to help you, I know you do well.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
You're so sweet, but you always want to help
everybody too.
Yeah, you're very, very therefor people yeah, that's another
thing.
It's like saying no withoutfeeling guilty it's another
thing of exactly being a surteryeah, so so, and I used to feel
that way, like if you don't evenhave the time for something.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
Yo, do you want to come over to my house later?
We watch a game or we watch,you know, a tv show or something
like that.
No, I can't, because I havedinner or something like that,
with my family.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Yeah, I would love to do that, but I've already got
plans.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
It sucks saying no, but if you can't make it, you
can't make it.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Yeah, and people understand that.
You have to remember that,right, yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
Stuff comes up and different things like that.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
So anyway, kind of looking at what are your
tendencies, are you afraid totalk to people that are superior
to you, you know, just reallylooking at yourself, kind of
taking a deep dive into how do Irespond and how do I act in
situations when I'm around otherpeople.
(21:39):
Do I put myself at a compromiseor Um, or do I put myself first
?
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
And you know that I think that's really important to
do.
But again, then we talked aboutI statements um earlier, and so
I I think I asked you um, whatwould you do if you went to
McDonald's and you got an orderum and your order?
You received your order and itwas like totally messed up,
(22:06):
totally not even anything thatyou ordered.
Okay, so it's not even close,yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Let's say you get a quarter pounder with fries and I
get a Filet-O-Fish with brownie.
Let's say drive-thru ordrive-thru.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Sure, you can take drive-thru.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
I mostly do drive-thru.
So let's say I pull up at thedrive spot because I'm, or the
parking spot because I'm gonnaeat in my car, because I'm weird
, and then I'm gonna open thebag.
I do that too, and then I'mgonna be happy because I get a
quarter pounder and stuff, andthen I'm gonna be upset because
I don't get my food.
So I'm gonna pull around.
I'm either gonna go, I'mprobably just gonna go inside,
(22:41):
cause I don't want to wait in adrive-thru line cause that's
going to take forever.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
I'll just wait at the line and it'll be like excuse
me, yeah, I just ordered thisthrough the drive-thru and I
noticed after looking at it that, um, this isn't my order, and
things like that.
Um, so I was wondering if Icould get this changed out or
corrected.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
That is so perfect.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
The.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
I statements in there were amazing.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Oh yeah, yeah, I didn't even notice Like I
ordered this.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
I ordered so-and-so.
Whatever, this isn't what Iordered.
I forget what y'all said, butyou know, could I get a?
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Mm-hmm, can I get a?
Speaker 1 (23:16):
A quarter pounder with cheese, what I really
ordered Exactly.
Yeah, yeah, so, anyway, yeah,perfect.
Yeah, yeah, um, so anyway, yeah, perfect instead of.
You know, some people getreally angry and I get it.
You know people have bad days.
Y'all messed up.
You messed up my order likeit's like you, you, you,
pointing, pointing, pointing theblame.
I've seen like public freakouts online and stuff like y'all
can't even get my burger right,and stuff like that.
(23:37):
Well, I've seen him in personyeah, I know um, anyway, and I
think um, so that's using Istatements versus you and you
know that's really coming from aplace of blame when you say you
yeah and so always try toreframe it what it is.
It's distracting the blame, soyeah, yeah, it's what's putting
it on something taking the blameoff you and putting it on
(23:59):
someone else yeah, well, there's, and it shouldn't be a blame,
it just should be like this thisis that's the point, is okay,
so there's no blame.
And so I was at the gym theother day and, um, I had signed
chase up for gym membership andit's a once a month fee right.
It's so much a month $30,whatever and they billed me on
the first and then on the 15th Igot another charge.
(24:21):
And so when I went into the gym, um yesterday, the day before
yesterday, and um I said to theowner I go, hey, I got charged
twice this month.
I go I mean, I've been hereforever, I know that it's a once
a month fee, I don't knowwhat's going on.
He looked at it and he goes uh,who set this up?
And I said, well, so-and-so,and um, he goes, well, he didn't
(24:45):
do it right.
And I go, he's charging you.
He puts you as bi, bi-monthly,so he's going to get billed or
bi-weekly is it.
So you get billed every twoweeks for the one, the fee.
That's.
So basically, I'm gettingbilled twice yeah.
And um.
So when I went to go, um, Iwalked over to the guys later
after I got done working out andthe gentleman that set me up,
(25:08):
he goes.
I am so sorry.
He said I I messed this up andhe was very apologetic and I go,
hey man, I go.
You were really busy that day.
You were trying to work me inand get my son signed up and I
had two of you.
I signed you up for the summermembership and I right, yeah,
and I go.
And you were trying to workwith a client.
Work with a yeah and while hewas doing his reps, you were
(25:29):
trying to help me and get megoing.
I mean, you were crazy that dayMultitasking and everything.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
I go, I totally get it yeah, and so Well that's nice
way to start a conversationabout something, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
So anyway, those I statements are so important.
And just taking some ownership.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Another thing I think that you can do when you're
learning how to be assertive isyou know practicing what you
want to say.
You know.
For you maybe that isn't soimportant, maybe you're better
off the cuff, but you know.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
For you maybe that isn't so important, maybe you're
better off the cuff, but if youreally need to write it out,
that was the thing about mybuddy in high school, david.
He would debate you on almostanything, and I mean anything To
where the debates would get sofunny at the lunch tables
Everyone would chime in no, theRoman Coliseum.
No, no, no, no, no.
Did you know that?
And it would be about anythingso anyone could get like
(26:27):
interested in it.
And he was so dang strong abouthis opinion like he would
scream oh, his opinion and stuff.
It was so funny too, like he'dmake a little show out of it,
yeah um, and it was so funny.
So because he expressed, youknow, what he liked, what he
what he thought was right, hisopinions and stuff like that and
just he was being funny whiledoing it, so everyone got a kick
(26:48):
out of it.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with expressing
your opinion, as long as you'renot imposing on somebody else.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
Keep your emotions in check.
That's a really big thing.
It's real easy to get thrownoff or get frustrated or get
angry or those kind of things.
But try to remain calm.
That's really, really important.
And keep your voice excuse me,keep your voice even, and you
know just strong and firm.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
There you go yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
And then body language.
What about body language?
What do you think is good aboutbeing showing assertiveness
through body language?
Speaker 2 (27:23):
I mean, don't have like your arms crossed because
it kind of shows.
You're closed off yeah um likeI said eye contact, eye contact
eye contact right so keeping um.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
You know, don't be making faces firm handshakes,
stuff like that.
I'm bad at that.
I make faces oh yeah don't younotice?
Sometimes I go through periodsum yeah, so yeah, hands to your
side or in your pocket.
You know, keep your body open.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Yeah, firm, handshake , all that stuff.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
Keep upright position , don't?
No, there's nothing assertiveabout someone hunching over and
looking at the floor whenthey're trying to have a
conversation with somebody.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
There's nothing assertive about that, not at all
.
So.
So, anyway, I'm realizing thatwe have gone almost to 30
minutes here, and I know we liketo keep it a little bit shorter
for our audience.
So anything else that you wantto add?
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I think you covered it all.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Just a couple of things just to add.
I mean, if you can justpractice being assertive, it is
going to change your world.
It will change your life.
No, it's not going to happenovernight and it's going to take
practice, but you can do it.
Anybody can do world.
It will change your life.
No, it's not going to happenovernight and it's going to take
practice, but you can do it,anybody can do it.
It's a skill that we should alllearn.
There you go, and it'll buildconfidence in yourself.
It'll build your self-esteem,it will help your relationships,
(28:39):
your jobs are going to be moreamazing.
It'll just help you be betterwith people overall.
And guess what?
We all have people in our lives.
There, you go yeah, so anyway.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
All right.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
So I guess what would be a good action, call to
action for everyone to take away, to start applying their
assertive abilities or theirassertive self, I guess speak
out on the little things, ifanything bothers you.
Or practice saying no.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Yeah, like maybe you have a tight schedule, one day
and someone has to pick you upor something like that, and it's
going to like really reallyhave to like stress you out or
time crunch your schedule foryou know to get picked up or
something like that, and justsay, yeah, I wish I could, but I
can't today because I have thisand this.
Yeah, perfect, yeah, you canjust speak up and stuff like
that.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
So yeah, saying no, um, practicing just using I
statements in general, thatwould be a great way to start.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
That's how I started, yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
You know, I just would say my I statements in
anything, because you can dothat.
Um so just you know and andassess yourself, get a sense
about, like, am I one thatdoesn't share their opinion?
Do I think my opinion doesn'tmatter?
You know, figure out who youare inside and all those
thoughts that go on in your head.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
And so start with that and then find a way to
start working on um your thoselittle issues, um one by one.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
There you go yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Yeah, so anyway, I think that is our show for today
.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
I think so alright.
Thank you Jesus for thisepisode.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
It was fun and remember you are not alone.
Hello and welcome to another episode of the you Are
Not Alone podcast.
I'm your co-host, debbie Gold,and I'm here with my co-host and
son, greg, and we're so gladthat you're here.
Each week on this show, we willtalk about issues that matter
most to you, and it is our wishthat you will find hope,
encouragement and a little bitof Jesus in every show.
(00:22):
Again, we're so glad thatyou're here and thanks for
listening.
Hello, welcome to our showtoday.
Yeah, we're excited to be here.
We're going to be talking aboutassertiveness and being able to
say no to people.
(00:42):
Last week we talked aboutself-esteem and this sort of is
a piggyback A carry-on.
A carry-on or a piggyback ontothat?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
It was funny.
You were discussing the topicsof this podcast and you were
like, what about assertiveness?
And I was like, oh sure, butinside my head I was like, what
is that?
And so I was like, honestly,mom?
Speaker 1 (01:04):
But inside my head I was like what is that you know?
And so I was like honestly momwhat is assertiveness?
Speaker 2 (01:08):
And then I Googled it or you told me what it was and
I was like oh, I know how to dothat, you know.
So I did it without knowingwhat it was basically.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Right, it's such a good topic though.
Yeah, for sure.
It's a skill that we all needto have, Right yeah, because
communication runs the world.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
So I googled it just for like a little you know heads
up on this episode and it saidbeing assertive means that it's
communicating with others in adirect or honest manner without
intentionally hurting anyone'sfeelings.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Isn't that awesome.
Yeah, I like that is so simple.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
It sums it up perfectly.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
And how often do we get like, oh, I'm not going to
say anything because I don'twant to rock the boat.
Or you have something happenover and over again and then you
just start yelling at somebodybecause you didn't get it across
yes, or you didn't speak up.
(02:05):
Yes, and so I think it'sdefinitely a good topic and
something that we could, all youknow.
I'm just reminded I love doingthese podcasts because I get
reminded of some of the habitsthat I need to break or that
I've gotten into, or some youknow, we all make mistakes right
, we're sinners.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
You work on your traits as you.
You know we all make mistakes.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Right, we're sinners, but you work on your traits, as
you you know, talk about anddiscuss them.
And so, as I was thinking aboutassertiveness and I was being
reminded of when I first was inmy internship, after I had my
master's degree and I wasworking, I did a group with
women on how to be assertive.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Yeah, I used to work with women that were.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Tell me about it.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Well, they were women that were in usually hard
situations you know abusiverelationships or single moms and
so we would talk about beingassertive, being aggressive and
the difference between those two.
And then the difference betweenbeing passive, aggressive which
(03:07):
is a whole nother.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
I hate passive aggressive.
Yeah, keep going about that.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
So, yeah, I mean, there's just the different
levels.
So where we want to get to is aplace of being just assertive,
being able to express our needsin a very respectful way and
without hurting anyone'sfeelings Without hurting
anyone's feelings withouthurting anyone's feelings.
When was this class?
It was just a small group, atherapy group that I did okay
yeah, cool how many people werein that was well varied.
(03:33):
I did a series you do like asix-week series.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Oh, okay, yeah, and they sit around in a circle and
it's like a little intervention.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Right, I do the educational part where I teach
it, and then we talk about ourissues.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Oh, so you taught it, yeah, okay.
Yeah.
So you went over like you knowdifferent topics and stuff like
that Interesting, okay, and theycame from.
You know different backgroundsor the people, okay, cool.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Yeah, it was at a nonprofit agency.
Oh, that's cool to 1995 thereyou go that's when I worked
there so long ago.
Yeah, it was a big year.
I got married and we bought thehouse wow and I was becoming a
(04:15):
therapist big, big year for you.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Big year, yeah, that's crazy anyways.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
so now that we kind of know what assertiveness is, I
think that I recognize it somuch yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
It's so in high school, middle school and
college.
Because, think about it, gossip, gossip, gossip, gossip.
Right, that is the opposite ofbeing assertive, because, like I
mean, assertive iscommunicating with each other
directly or honestly.
Gossip is not that it's goingbehind each other's backs, it's
being sneaky and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
It's not talking to someone directly about something
that happened.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
It ruins um relationships and friendships my
freshman year of high school.
You remember that little friendgroup I had with those girls.
Like nasty and toxic gosh, theyhated each other one week and
then the next week I'm goingover to her house.
I was like I thought you saidyou hated her.
Well, that was just because Isaid that, and I was like you
(05:11):
tell me that you hate her gutswhen I'm driving in the car with
you.
Two days later, you're at herhouse having a picnic.
I'm like what is going on here?
Speaker 1 (05:23):
So it was so toxic and I didn't know what was going
on with each other.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Well, there you go.
Nobody communicated honestly.
Everyone was just making upstories.
They were gossiping.
Relationships were in the way.
It was just a mess.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Yeah, that's exactly.
That's such a good example.
That's what will happen.
And also gossip, I just want toadd, is something the Bible
does not promote, not at all,but it's so childish something
the Bible does not promote,right Not at all, but it's so
childish.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
No, if you've got a problem with someone or like
something, you can just speak up.
You know yeah.
I agree, I've heard a lot ofpeople be like if you have a
problem with something say it,you know.
There's no point of hiding it,because then the problem's not
going to get resolved, right?
Speaker 1 (05:56):
And I think when you say things, eventually people
are going to come to know thatyou're that kind of person.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
That will say something that you can talk to
right and they're going tobecome, uh, more okay with with
you and who you are and they'llbe more open with dialoguing
with you yeah, I had a friend inhigh school his name is david
um, he would just say anythingor like he was like almost the
loud kid, but he wasn't likedisrespectful loud, like he
(06:22):
would say his opinion like on a.
He would laugh out loud oh mygosh, that's funny.
And then the whole class wouldbe kind of off to it.
But then as the year went bypeople started to love it and he
was so loud and he just didn'thave any confidence issues and
he would just be loud, but hewould be up front and stuff like
(06:43):
that.
Everyone loved it because theyfelt so comfortable.
Sure, he's not going to judgeme because he doesn't care.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
You know he's funny and goofy.
They've come to know.
They came to know who he wasHis character.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
His character yeah, that's awesome.
I love that.
Yeah, he was such a character.
So.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
You know, I think, that we deal with situations
every day of our lives where wecan practice our being assertive
.
We were mentioning or talking,before we got on the show here,
about going to one of yourprofessors or a teacher with a
question that you have.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Right, so many people don't do it in college.
Yeah, so many people are likeoh, the professors are evil,
they're gremlins and stuff likethat.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Those are evil, they're gremlins and stuff like
that.
Those are excuses.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
No, those are excuses .
But for larger schools like A&M, tech or something like that, I
can see how kind of becausesome professors might not be,
you know, the most open oroutgoing but if you, if you make
the extra effort.
Like my first semester of highschool or college, I met my
professor, dr Farwell.
It was for intro to businessand it was like four classes in
(07:49):
or something like that.
I just finally went to him witha question after class and he
was like super nice to where.
I almost was like surprisedthat he was so happy that I was
asking a question.
I was like why is he so happythat I'm asking a simple
question?
I need something I need helpyeah um, and then the second
class.
After I asked him the question,he was like why is he so happy
(08:09):
that I'm?
Asking a simple question.
I need something, I need help,yeah.
And then the second class afterI asked him the question, he
was like yeah, you have a goodday, man, something like that.
And I don't know what he said,but we clicked off a little
conversation no-transcript.
He was such a cool professorbecause we had, you know, he was
(08:30):
a.
State Farm employee as well,that's right.
Yes, yeah, so he had his ownlittle State Farm firm and it
was like his first year of beinga professor and for the first
time a teacher kind of opened upup to me.
He was like, oh my gosh, greg.
Um, I'm stressed as hellbecause I'm managing my state
farm firm and then also I'mtrying to teach a class and four
months ago I didn't know I wasgoing to be teaching this class
(08:52):
when the uh university reachedout to me or something like that
and I was like, really I had noidea and he's like yeah, I had
to help one of one of the uhco-workers had to print some of
the slide shows for thecoursework and stuff like that.
I had to research late at night.
You know how do I?
You know, da, da, da, da da.
He's like how do you think I'mdoing?
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Oh my gosh.
I was like you're doing great.
That is so good.
I love your class.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
I enjoy your class.
He's like, really, yeah, I'mlike, no, you're doing a great
job as a professor.
You're a lot better than mostof my high school teachers and
stuff like that.
So it was cool because I could.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
I hope they're not listening yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
That'd be funny, reaches out to me.
I'm sure he'd love it.
But yeah, it was so coolbecause he came to me for help
and advice almost, and I waslike this guy's a professor and
he's asking me for advice.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
You know, super cool.
That's another thing aboutbeing a.
We have to remember that we allare human and we all have needs
.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Yeah, you can view your professor as a human.
He's not just a professor.
He's also a human that goeshome and has a family and a wife
he wants to be happy.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
He wants to do a good job.
He's like everybody else.
Right, even though they'relooked at on more of a hierarchy
above you.
But yeah, and you also talkedabout like maybe being in a
larger university and this canhappen in small or large, but
where they're maybe not aspersonable or they don't really
(10:18):
get to know their students,whatever.
But you know, maybe they actlike they don't have time for
you or they kind of blow you offor whatever, but you have to be
prepared for some of those kindof situations as well.
Absolutely, you know professorsthey're busy ass people.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
Yeah, they don't have time for some things, or?
Speaker 1 (10:39):
maybe it's not a good day for them, right you?
Speaker 2 (10:40):
caught them at the wrong time and they gave you a
bad answer.
Right, shoot them an email.
You have to for them, right?
You caught them at the wrongtime and they gave you a bad
answer, right?
Speaker 1 (10:44):
uh, shoot them an email you have to be, yeah, you
have to be able to know that youmay not always get that warm
fuzzy right, yeah, exactly butyou, you know, most likely you
will, but not always yeah, andso you have to just put your
armor on and be okay with thatyeah, it sucks, but sucks.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
but yeah, go to plan B, there you go.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Um, okay, so when we're being assertive, there's
something called the three C'sof assertiveness.
Um, to be confident when you'retalking, make sure your message
is real clear and be reallycontrolled and speak in a very
calm and controlled manner.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Yeah, I've.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
I've heard um people say that if you speak slower, it
makes you sound more confidentbecause, it makes you sound like
you know what you're talkingabout more, and you know what
you're going to say yeah and yousee more calm about the subject
I think when you talk fast, itthere's like this underlying
sense that there may be someanxiety there yeah I'm really
(11:47):
nervous about this you know thatkind of something like that.
Yeah, I'm not sure about whatI'm talking about or you know
any of that yeah, um um, so whatare the obstacles to being
assertive?
I think I want to kind of hiton that a little bit.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Feelings.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Feelings like you don't know what you're feeling.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
No, you don't want to hurt their feelings.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Oh well, you can't manage anyone else's feelings.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Let's get that set down so whatever someone else
feels from a conversation that'stheir stuff.
But for topics it can differtoo.
You know, if it's a sensitivetopic and you don't want to hurt
somebody's feelings, it mightbe hard to come across that way.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
Yeah, but I also think like if you think it might
be a sensitive issue, you haveto be a little more sensitive
and think more about what you'regoing to say Right, right,
exactly.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Get clear on that that, yeah, you can't just, you
know, hop in, oh my god, jenny'ssick, or something like that,
or something worse.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
But yeah, um, I think another obstacle is you think
that your, your, your needsdon't matter.
Oh, it's okay I'll be fine,don't worry about me, those kind
of things.
Yeah, or another obstacle isyou think you're going to get
flustered, because you've donethat before.
It's like I tried this once andI got flustered and it didn't
(13:14):
turn out.
Well, you know, you've got topractice what you're going to
say.
Yeah, you really have to.
So don't let what you think theoutcome might be.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Affect what you're going to do.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Stop you?
Yes, right, go ahead andpractice, practice, practice and
I would tell the ladies to dothat over and over.
Write it down.
Write down what you want to say.
Get a good idea in your head.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
But also don't overthink it.
Be confident, it's you know,you can do this yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Well, there is that and that's okay for some people
but some people do need to, youknow.
But you're right, I like that.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
So you know be confident.
Yeah, cause a lot of times youknow if you're going to say,
let's say you're practicingassertiveness to tell someone
something like, let's say, youhave to go talk to your neighbor
downstairs or something likethat, but you have anxiety with
doing that right to your class.
You teach assertiveness orsomething like that, but, um,
(14:07):
you know you're still kind ofnervous or something like that.
You know you can just practiceit and people tend to overthink
it and they eat themselves upwith it, you know.
And so you can just stand infront of the mirror and like
practice what you're going tosay.
Practice what you're going tosay.
Practice what you're going tosay.
But if you overthink it, likeit.
Practice what you're going tosay, but if you overthink it, it
hurts you kind of.
So just tell yourself thatyou're confident you got this,
(14:28):
because when you back yourselfup like that, it's helpful.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Right, I feel, and I think more toward the end.
Here we'll talk about how doyou be assertive, how can you do
that, and so that'll help withsome of that, I think I want to
put you on the spot here just alittle bit.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Okay, Um so, a situation where you could be, um
, not real comfortable with andI'm not talking about you in
general, I'm just saying ingeneral- or not specifically you
, but in general.
What about?
I mean, this is really anawkward thing for a lot of young
kids, young Zen, you know Gen Zpeople.
But asking someone out on adate right.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
So I mean, if you saw the pretty girl at the coffee
shop or you know whatever, what,how, how do you think you
really wanted to like?
Do you?
Do you have a sense about howyou might handle that?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Yeah, so she's behind the counter.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Sure she can be behind the counter, she can be
doing.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
I've seen one at a coffee shop before, so you just
go up to her.
Hey, I thought you were reallycute.
I was wondering if I could getyour number or if you're free
later, or something like that.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
And say it slow, say it slow.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Say it slow.
Say it slow, hey, it's a littlebit slow, I know right, and
they're like what?
Hey?
Speaker 2 (15:41):
my name is yeah, and I thought you were cute.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Oh, that's a great way to start.
Hey, my name is Greg.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Yeah, and I thought you were cute, I noticed you and
was wondering if.
Yeah, If I could you know, askfor your number or you know that
are recently done.
Compliment those that's rightsee if their toes toenails are
done because girls they likethat when you compliment their
(16:06):
toes um see if they have a nicedress on anything you can
compliment just there's alwayssomething you can say nice about
somebody and their appearance.
Yeah, because once you get asmile in, you're golden, there
you go but um what I heard youdo was using I statements.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
You know, like you know, I noticed you back here
working and I was wondering if Icould get your phone number.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
I'd love to go have some coffee, make him blush a
little bit yeah, yeah.
Then you're in, so anyway.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Okay, so that's, that's good.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
I think also like during job interviews or when
we're sort of this you know wealready talked about that being
this sort of the superior person.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Oh, job interview one's a really good thing to do
too, because at the end of everysingle job interview I've been
to, they always ask you, do youhave any questions for us about
the job?
And I used to say no, and dadwas like no, no, no, no, no
You're doing everything wrongokay so you want to ask them
questions.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
That's right.
Dad is a.
You know he does executiverecruiting and recruiting for
high-tech companies.
Right to get employees in openpositions at companies.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
So he's very very good at interviews interviews 24
7.
He interviews people all thetime over the phone, stuff like
that, yeah right so he was likegreg, you're doing this wrong
here, you want it and you wantto know golden question, that'll
help your interview, uh, and Iwas like sure, and he goes okay.
So when they ask you, you know,do you have any questions for
(17:36):
us?
Either, if there's one personin the interview or two people
in the interview, go to them.
What is your favorite partabout working here?
And you know, eye contact,direct, you know, and then
they'll have to, you know, havea personal experience and stuff
like that.
And if it's a personalexperience, maybe you can relate
that way, build a little deeperrelationship there and then if
you have any other concerns orquestions that that, even that
(17:59):
are small or big, ask them,because they're there for your
questions.
That's why they asked you know,do you have anything else we
can help with?
Speaker 1 (18:06):
So I love the one.
I know that young people areafraid to ask well, what's the
starting pay?
Yeah, it seems like you andyour brother avoid that whole
question.
I've talked to other parentsabout it.
I hate to ask.
So here's another way you cansay you can say so I'm curious
what the starting pay for mewould be.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
So I'm curious, you know.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
I statement yeah, right.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Now what is the starting pay?
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Yeah, I'm curious to know what the starting pay is
going to be for this position.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
For this position.
Yeah, so very fair question.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
No, absolutely yeah.
So it doesn't hurt to ask too,because you just want to get
informed, you know, of whyyou're working there.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yeah, yeah, is this going to fit for me.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Is this going to work for me?
Is this a good paying job forme?
Speaker 1 (19:08):
You need to know what you're going to get paid,
because you may want to buy acar or something and you've got
to save up.
And how do you, how do you dothat right?
So I think the first thing thatyou need to do is really kind
of look at your style, likereally assess yourself.
So does you know, um, do youlike to express your opinions or
do you kind of keep quiet aboutthose?
Right?
Do you like to say yes when youreally need to say no because
(19:31):
your schedule is so full rightnow?
Right?
yeah, like if someone asks youto do something for them.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
I hate doing that.
I don't know why I do that.
I always, you know, are youfree right now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because Iwant to be nice to them, or
something like that.
But are you free right now?
Yeah, yeah, cause I want to benice to them, or something like
that.
But then I'm like mentally orphysically exhausted and I just
got done with something and I'mlike inside.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
I know you did that for me.
I know you go out and you doyour job and you work and you do
your college and then, likewhen you're home this summer and
I know you've been out doingyour landscaping business and
which I'm really proud of youfor- You're doing a really great
job.
We got another client as well,nice, yeah, so wait to hear.
Yeah, um, anyway.
(20:08):
But and then I go, you know,you come home and I'm like, can
you help me move this thing overhere, can you help me with that
?
And I know you probably justwant to get in the shower and
you know, but that's anotherthing you could say too.
It's like, hey, mom, I want tohelp you and I will.
I let me get in the showerfirst.
I really need to take a showeryeah so there's, you know, you
can meet your needs before allright, jumping on my stuff.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
I see it as mama first, then me second.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Well don't yeah, you got to put your needs first,
it's okay, I mean, I appreciatethat.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Yeah, I always want to help you, I know you do well.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
You're so sweet, but you always want to help
everybody too.
Yeah, you're very, very therefor people yeah, that's another
thing.
It's like saying no withoutfeeling guilty it's another
thing of exactly being a surteryeah, so so, and I used to feel
that way, like if you don't evenhave the time for something.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
Yo, do you want to come over to my house later?
We watch a game or we watch,you know, a tv show or something
like that.
No, I can't, because I havedinner or something like that,
with my family.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Yeah, I would love to do that, but I've already got
plans.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
It sucks saying no, but if you can't make it, you
can't make it.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Yeah, and people understand that.
You have to remember that,right, yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
Stuff comes up and different things like that.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
So anyway, kind of looking at what are your
tendencies, are you afraid totalk to people that are superior
to you, you know, just reallylooking at yourself, kind of
taking a deep dive into how do Irespond and how do I act in
situations when I'm around otherpeople.
(21:39):
Do I put myself at a compromiseor Um, or do I put myself first
?
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
And you know that I think that's really important to
do.
But again, then we talked aboutI statements um earlier, and so
I I think I asked you um, whatwould you do if you went to
McDonald's and you got an orderum and your order?
You received your order and itwas like totally messed up,
(22:06):
totally not even anything thatyou ordered.
Okay, so it's not even close,yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Let's say you get a quarter pounder with fries and I
get a Filet-O-Fish with brownie.
Let's say drive-thru ordrive-thru.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Sure, you can take drive-thru.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
I mostly do drive-thru.
So let's say I pull up at thedrive spot because I'm, or the
parking spot because I'm gonnaeat in my car, because I'm weird
, and then I'm gonna open thebag.
I do that too, and then I'mgonna be happy because I get a
quarter pounder and stuff, andthen I'm gonna be upset because
I don't get my food.
So I'm gonna pull around.
I'm either gonna go, I'mprobably just gonna go inside,
(22:41):
cause I don't want to wait in adrive-thru line cause that's
going to take forever.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
I'll just wait at the line and it'll be like excuse
me, yeah, I just ordered thisthrough the drive-thru and I
noticed after looking at it that, um, this isn't my order, and
things like that.
Um, so I was wondering if Icould get this changed out or
corrected.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
That is so perfect.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
The.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
I statements in there were amazing.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Oh yeah, yeah, I didn't even notice Like I
ordered this.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
I ordered so-and-so.
Whatever, this isn't what Iordered.
I forget what y'all said, butyou know, could I get a?
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Mm-hmm, can I get a?
Speaker 1 (23:16):
A quarter pounder with cheese, what I really
ordered Exactly.
Yeah, yeah, so, anyway, yeah,perfect.
Yeah, yeah, um, so anyway, yeah, perfect instead of.
You know, some people getreally angry and I get it.
You know people have bad days.
Y'all messed up.
You messed up my order likeit's like you, you, you,
pointing, pointing, pointing theblame.
I've seen like public freakouts online and stuff like y'all
can't even get my burger right,and stuff like that.
(23:37):
Well, I've seen him in personyeah, I know um, anyway, and I
think um, so that's using Istatements versus you and you
know that's really coming from aplace of blame when you say you
yeah and so always try toreframe it what it is.
It's distracting the blame, soyeah, yeah, it's what's putting
it on something taking the blameoff you and putting it on
(23:59):
someone else yeah, well, there's, and it shouldn't be a blame,
it just should be like this thisis that's the point, is okay,
so there's no blame.
And so I was at the gym theother day and, um, I had signed
chase up for gym membership andit's a once a month fee right.
It's so much a month $30,whatever and they billed me on
the first and then on the 15th Igot another charge.
(24:21):
And so when I went into the gym, um yesterday, the day before
yesterday, and um I said to theowner I go, hey, I got charged
twice this month.
I go I mean, I've been hereforever, I know that it's a once
a month fee, I don't knowwhat's going on.
He looked at it and he goes uh,who set this up?
And I said, well, so-and-so,and um, he goes, well, he didn't
(24:45):
do it right.
And I go, he's charging you.
He puts you as bi, bi-monthly,so he's going to get billed or
bi-weekly is it.
So you get billed every twoweeks for the one, the fee.
That's.
So basically, I'm gettingbilled twice yeah.
And um.
So when I went to go, um, Iwalked over to the guys later
after I got done working out andthe gentleman that set me up,
(25:08):
he goes.
I am so sorry.
He said I I messed this up andhe was very apologetic and I go,
hey man, I go.
You were really busy that day.
You were trying to work me inand get my son signed up and I
had two of you.
I signed you up for the summermembership and I right, yeah,
and I go.
And you were trying to workwith a client.
Work with a yeah and while hewas doing his reps, you were
(25:29):
trying to help me and get megoing.
I mean, you were crazy that dayMultitasking and everything.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
I go, I totally get it yeah, and so Well that's nice
way to start a conversationabout something, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
So anyway, those I statements are so important.
And just taking some ownership.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Another thing I think that you can do when you're
learning how to be assertive isyou know practicing what you
want to say.
You know.
For you maybe that isn't soimportant, maybe you're better
off the cuff, but you know.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
For you maybe that isn't so important, maybe you're
better off the cuff, but if youreally need to write it out,
that was the thing about mybuddy in high school, david.
He would debate you on almostanything, and I mean anything To
where the debates would get sofunny at the lunch tables
Everyone would chime in no, theRoman Coliseum.
No, no, no, no, no.
Did you know that?
And it would be about anythingso anyone could get like
(26:27):
interested in it.
And he was so dang strong abouthis opinion like he would
scream oh, his opinion and stuff.
It was so funny too, like he'dmake a little show out of it,
yeah um, and it was so funny.
So because he expressed, youknow, what he liked, what he
what he thought was right, hisopinions and stuff like that and
just he was being funny whiledoing it, so everyone got a kick
(26:48):
out of it.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with expressing
your opinion, as long as you'renot imposing on somebody else.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
Keep your emotions in check.
That's a really big thing.
It's real easy to get thrownoff or get frustrated or get
angry or those kind of things.
But try to remain calm.
That's really, really important.
And keep your voice excuse me,keep your voice even, and you
know just strong and firm.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
There you go yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
And then body language.
What about body language?
What do you think is good aboutbeing showing assertiveness
through body language?
Speaker 2 (27:23):
I mean, don't have like your arms crossed because
it kind of shows.
You're closed off yeah um likeI said eye contact, eye contact
eye contact right so keeping um.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
You know, don't be making faces firm handshakes,
stuff like that.
I'm bad at that.
I make faces oh yeah don't younotice?
Sometimes I go through periodsum yeah, so yeah, hands to your
side or in your pocket.
You know, keep your body open.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Yeah, firm, handshake , all that stuff.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
Keep upright position , don't?
No, there's nothing assertiveabout someone hunching over and
looking at the floor whenthey're trying to have a
conversation with somebody.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
There's nothing assertive about that, not at all
.
So.
So, anyway, I'm realizing thatwe have gone almost to 30
minutes here, and I know we liketo keep it a little bit shorter
for our audience.
So anything else that you wantto add?
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I think you covered it all.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Just a couple of things just to add.
I mean, if you can justpractice being assertive, it is
going to change your world.
It will change your life.
No, it's not going to happenovernight and it's going to take
practice, but you can do it.
Anybody can do world.
It will change your life.
No, it's not going to happenovernight and it's going to take
practice, but you can do it,anybody can do it.
It's a skill that we should alllearn.
There you go, and it'll buildconfidence in yourself.
It'll build your self-esteem,it will help your relationships,
(28:39):
your jobs are going to be moreamazing.
It'll just help you be betterwith people overall.
And guess what?
We all have people in our lives.
There, you go yeah, so anyway.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
All right.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
So I guess what would be a good action, call to
action for everyone to take away, to start applying their
assertive abilities or theirassertive self, I guess speak
out on the little things, ifanything bothers you.
Or practice saying no.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Yeah, like maybe you have a tight schedule, one day
and someone has to pick you upor something like that, and it's
going to like really reallyhave to like stress you out or
time crunch your schedule foryou know to get picked up or
something like that, and justsay, yeah, I wish I could, but I
can't today because I have thisand this.
Yeah, perfect, yeah, you canjust speak up and stuff like
that.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
So yeah, saying no, um, practicing just using I
statements in general, thatwould be a great way to start.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
That's how I started, yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
You know, I just would say my I statements in
anything, because you can dothat.
Um so just you know and andassess yourself, get a sense
about, like, am I one thatdoesn't share their opinion?
Do I think my opinion doesn'tmatter?
You know, figure out who youare inside and all those
thoughts that go on in your head.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
And so start with that and then find a way to
start working on um your thoselittle issues, um one by one.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
There you go yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Yeah, so anyway, I think that is our show for today
.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
I think so alright.
Thank you Jesus for thisepisode.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
It was fun and remember you are not alone.
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