Monster Blood II

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:16):
Is that a hamster? Yes, Maltar, that's cuddles the
hamster. He's staying with us while he
sorts out a bad roommate situation.
Someone didn't read my newsletter.
Is he supposed to be eating thatgoo?
Yeah, Zorak, he likes it. And it's full of vitamins and
minerals. It's how I keep my pelt so shiny
and waterproof. He's growing pretty quickly.
It's rude to point that out, Maltar, but he is that age.

(00:38):
We need to tell him how proud weare.
Tell him. Tell him how proud you are.
I'm proud of you. We're.
All so proud of you. Rocket out of here.
Zorak, tell him. I'm proud of you.
See, Cuddles, we love you no matter what sort of enormous,
disgusting abomination you become.
He's breaking down the airwalk. That's what hamsters do, Moltar.

(00:59):
Don't stifle him. What are you, his mother?
Yeah, Moltar, are you his motheror are we all his mother?
I could be his mother. Do hamsters breathe in space?
Cuddles no. Hello and welcome to another

(01:37):
episode of You Can't Scare Me. I'm joined, as always, by my
good friends Mario. Hi, it's me.
It's Mario the cool ghoul who's everybody's pal Who's.
Kind of coming back from a Zorakimpression, so.
It's hard. I like I'm kind of still there.
I'm sort of still in it is the problem.
And we've got ourselves a Brandon, who's coming off of a

(01:59):
Space Ghost, a George Low impersonation.
How's that feel for you? Hello.
Yeah. Yeah, so Ripi guess we should
start off with yeah, fucking sucks with George low passing,
but yeah, it let us fuck around with the Space Ghost.
There's another very good reasonfor this, which we'll get to

(02:19):
momentarily. All right, I I'm I'm confused
and concerned about what this. No, no, there's.
There's a. It's a very simple reason.
Very simple reason, OK. Well guess what y'all, we're
here. We're gathered here today to
pray to the the our our deity a really large Stein A.
Really large. Stein, very, very big.

(02:40):
Stein. Did Stein eat some monster blood
Anyway, Hi. Yeah, well, we're starting over
again. Apparently it's monster blood
too, baby. It's episode #18 or Book 18, as
we like to say in the biz. We're doing a sequel.
We're doing a sequel. It's the first time.
It's the first sequel. Demand.

(03:02):
OK, we're. Going to come on, let everybody
strike up the and we're doing a sequel.
Oh my God, I just gave myself brain bubbles trying to think of
how to do the Kerman impression.Go to the back of your throat
and also. Oh yeah, dear listener, we have
been stuck in an impersonation Bill.
Impersonation. Bill Yeah, my pronunciation is

(03:25):
just utter dog shit now. Yeah, we've been doing we've
been doing the Space Ghost impersonate.
I fucking right. I'm going to restart the
Impression podcast. Impression No, we can't restart
it. No, we've been doing it for like
the past half hour, so yeah. We're in it.
We're in the podcast now. This is where we exist.
That's where we are, all right, y'all?

(03:46):
So it's Monster Blood too. And for people who don't know.
So this is the first sequel for Goosebumps.
It's the first time we've got a big old deuce at the back end of
a goosebump. It is a stinky deuce, isn't it?
It's. That it is.
But yeah, so I guess we can justget started with it with Mario's

(04:08):
history lesson. Do we wanna?
Yeah, I'll happily. I'll happily tell you about the
what's happening in the big big book we call history instead of
the shitty little book we call Monster Blood 2.
But only as history pertains to movies, TV, and film.
The only history that matters Let's start with a trip to
Hollyweird. What came out in April 2024?

(04:30):
Well, Clifford, a film starring 20 short 20. 24.
Fuck, fuck. That's the month we're in
currently. The problem is we're Kurt in
April now. That's the problem.
All right, I'll, I'll fuck it. Oh no, Mario's gonna fuck.
It we're gonna all right. Everybody stand back.
Let's take a trip. Let's let's take a trip to

(04:50):
Hollyweird. What films came out in April
1994 that wow. Hey gang.
Hi hi hello. What an anniversary to be
experiencing Clifford, a film starring Martin Short where he
played a very annoying adult child.
I haven't seen it. I just know that he's very

(05:10):
obnoxious in it. Now I like Martin Short, so
that's not really a problem, but.
The past was doing its best. Yeah, what else?
Here's a maybe more important film.
Leprechaun 2 came out. Now that's not Leprechaun.
Back to the hood. That's just Leprechaun 2.
He hadn't yet gone to the hood. That was Leprechaun 2 lost in

(05:31):
New York. Right, lost in the yeah exactly
Leprechaun. I don't know anything about
Leprechaun 2 honestly. I've seen leprechaun one it's
not very good. It's also another The Past was
Loop doing its best movie and it's depiction of adults with
developmental issues. Although actually, you know,

(05:51):
wow. Wow.
Leprechaun 2. He did go to the big city.
It's in Los Angeles where he's trying to claim a bride and he's
claiming a teenager. Oopsie Daisy oopsies.
Don't like that. What else?
Well, OK, here's a more interesting film, Serial Mom,
directed by John Waters, starring Kathleen Turner.

(06:13):
I haven't actually ever seen Serial Mom, although my mother,
a person who I guarantee has never seen any other John Waters
film, loves Serial Mom and oftenreferences it because in it
Kathleen Turner murders someone for wearing white after Labor
Day. Lol.
Boy, the movies on this month were just not very good.
Surviving the game. Now I'm interested in this one

(06:35):
because I've never seen it. It stars Rucker Hauer.
It's a most dangerous game movie, but it is directed by
Ernest Dickerson, the director of Tales in the Krypt, Demon
Knight, so it might actually be very good.
There's a possibility of that. Demon Knight, One of the finest
movies ever made. Yeah, one of the greatest
movies. Also the director of Bones
starring Snoop Dogg. One of the movies ever made.

(06:57):
Yes, I do love that movie. I do love that movie, but it's I
wouldn't call it fine. I would call it.
I would call it something. We love it despite itself or
because of what it is. Yeah, maybe because of what it
is. White Fang 2 myth of the White
Wolf. I don't think it's a myth.
I'm pretty sure the White Wolf is literally the fucking star of
White Fang. So why are you fucking

(07:18):
pretending that it doesn't exist?
The movie Brain Scan. It's a horror movie with a
pretty decent looking monster about a video game that kills
people while you play it. Cool.
Hell yeah, or it takes out your brain and makes you a murderer.
Oh, so like all video games? Yeah, I believe the monster's
name is the trickster in that movie.

(07:39):
What about the Joker? It is very it's Joker like.
It's Joker. Jason, an unfortunate
unfortunate named film. Dennis Hopper directed several
films in his life and his last movie he ever directed, It Looks
Bad is a film called Chasers. Yeah, Oof.
Which appears to be a body sexy comedy film.

(08:02):
So I don't know why Dennis Hopper did that, but he probably
shouldn't have. And maybe he learned a valuable
lesson. We can hope When a Man Loves a
Woman, which I feel like is a movie, that's important because
I want to bet that the song Whena Man Loves a Woman is from that
movie. When a man loves a gorgon.

(08:25):
No, wow, no it's not. That song was recorded in 1966.
Not by It was like a Motown song.
Bolton. Recorded in 91, so in.
Oh, you're right. Yeah.
What am I talking about? I I meant more that maybe
Michael Bolton did his version of it for that film, not rather
that the the song itself was exclusively written for that

(08:46):
movie. It wasn't.
In either case I would have beenwrong either way.
This was an Al Franken written ROM com.
Dear. Starring Meg Ryan, the.
Name I haven't seen a bit. That's yeah, boy howdy.
I'm telling you it was dire straight, it was bad.
The situation was dire in April 94 and it's dire in April 2024.

(09:08):
So what? You know, the more things change
when I say the same with Honors,which I put on here only because
it appears to be a comedy starring both Brendan Fraser and
Joe Pesci, which is like intriguing in that regard.
It's one of those freshy movies.TV Well, The Simpsons reached

(09:28):
episode 100, so take that Hooray.
Currently on episode 100,000. Yeah, right.
Exactly. Sister, Sister premiered.
OK, all that premiered. There you.
Go. Yeah, OK.
See, there's something, something that peaks.
My sisters. There we go.
I've watched all that a lot. Me too.

(09:51):
I have a fun This is my heart for Laurie Beth Dindberg.
With vital information for your everyday life.
Exactly, the Sinbad show was cancelled which leading to a
good freakazoid joke. The scariest thing in the world
would be if they gave Sinbad another TV show.

(10:17):
From the episode Candle Jack. The finest episode of anything
ever written. Now the biggest and most
important thing to appear premiere on TV this month and
possibly ever. Space Ghost Coast to Coast
premiered in April 1994. There it is.
That was the reason why we were thinking about it.
That's. So.

(10:38):
So mark that down in your history books.
Can you believe that? 94 Jesus.
Yeah, I can actually believe that because I remember when I
first saw Space Ghost, I was sitting in my grandmother's
living room and he was interviewing somebody.
But I remember it being like, not very funny.
It it was just novel because it was a cartoon character

(10:58):
interviewing a real person. And I thought it was like, you
know, it's stuck in my brain. I didn't think about it after.
But then, you know, it kind of space Ghost.
The early days were kind of verydifferent.
I mean, the early days of nearlyevery Adult Swim show is very
different from what it actually ends up being.
Yeah, but you know, it kind of Space Ghost in a lot of ways was

(11:21):
kind of the, the sort of inception of the like sort of
not in a bad way, but sort of the random kind of humor, the
kind of like like goofy, like tothe extreme.
Oh, it's absolutely goofy. Deliberately goofy all the time.
Like. Yeah, and it took a bit for it
to find its voice, and eventually they did.

(11:41):
And I'm so thankful because wow,that that show, I, I posted
about it when George Lowe died like a a month or so ago.
But yeah, that's my fond memory of nearly dying from laughing so
hard. It's.
It's huge. I mean, space is so important.
Like the me what we talked, we've definitely talked about
this on this very podcast, possibly last episode.

(12:03):
But me watching Space Ghost, like staying up late to watch
Space Ghost, it was like a huge deal for me.
It's like, yeah, incredible show, amazing.
One of my fondest memories was in that period of time between
Christmas and New Year's. One year me and my older brother
watched we're up at like 3:00 inthe morning watching a marathon

(12:24):
of Space Ghost. That's what I think of that time
of year all the time. I would just want to watch space
ghost right after Christmas. Wonderful memory.
I love I love space ghost. I I love space ghost.
A lot of stand up late in order to watch it and then getting in
trouble because the parents would find me downstairs

(12:45):
watching up way too late watching Space Guest.
Yeah, there was a time where I was banned from watching it, so
that. That's Speaking of think of
staying up late and watching things.
This isn't ATV thing. It's actually we're reversing
time and going back to film really quickly because I
skipped, I skipped over something that's not so
important. And definitely none of us saw in
1994. But if you were in Japan in

(13:07):
April 94, you could be watching in theaters.
UU Hacka show Bonds of Fire EU Hacka show movie which is not a
great movie, but it is you hack a show and that's not a show.
I stayed up late to watch Adult Swim I I know it was on Tsunami.
I watched it during the afternoons as well.
But I have a fonder memory of the ending theme of it playing

(13:32):
in the late at night on my TV. It was the go to bed song.
It was a good go to bed song before Inuyasha's go to bed song
video games. Speaking of Japan, in this month
of 94 the ESRB was founded and everything got worse forever
yeah yeah. Also, boy again, just like a

(13:56):
rough time for this month Arrow the Acrobat 2 came out.
I don't know, I don't know, I. Don't know it's a sequel.
It's a sequel kind of podcast. Daffy Duck, The Marvin missions,
Fatal Fury 2 came out for the SNES, didn't feature anyone
committed who has, you know, banned from Las Vegas for crimes

(14:22):
like the current Fatal Fury game.
But you know. You know.
That's the trade off you make, Iguess, for getting games
published these days. That's who the Saudi Well, I
shouldn't that's. Put that out.
Don't talk about that. Oh, oh, don't do that.
We're gonna get murdered. Don't chop me up.
Don't chalk me up. I don't wanna die.

(14:45):
I follow a ghost, but please don't chop me up.
A follow up to a previous discussion you've had.
Final Fantasy 6 came out in Japan.
Not in America yet, but in Japanit did.
I mean, me and Bob should just have a interest gauge.
Yeah, I'm trying to vocalize my interest gauge.
Yeah, it's kind of, you know, wavering all over the place.

(15:08):
It's kind of down at the beginning, but.
I mean, I, I get it. It's the the gauge.
It was low for me too, man. I'm looking at it like Pac-Man
2, the new Adventures. That's so fun.
It's like it's. So funny to look at the floor.
Yeah, no, it's just like to to imagine like making Pac-Man 2
and being like, how do we get people to to play our seagull of

(15:28):
Pac-Man like the new adventures?Has Pac-Man been on an old
adventure like? It has a very funny cover and.
It has a very funny cover, yes. Also, I believe that the game is
actually good. Is it?
It's really interesting. I believe this is the one that
has like like an adventure type game.
I think this is like a it's a point click adventure.
Yeah, so. And that's like silly, I think

(15:50):
I've seen it. I think it has like some
charming animations and stuff in.
It, I mean, I, I get why they would call it the new adventures
in this sense, but man, imagine being the guy that was like, all
right, we got to do some with Pac-Man.
We got it. What do we do with what do we do
with Pac-Man? Pac-Man, it's just like a thin
character. I just can't imagine.
Real round peg, real spherical, yeah, square hole situation.

(16:12):
Now here's the next game. This one's just here 'cause it's
fun to say Revengers of Vengeance for the for the second
CD Revengers of Vengeance. Kojima do that one.
No revengelance, It is Japanese.It looks like it's a schmuck.
Rocco's modern life. Spunky's dangerous day for this

(16:33):
nest. Rocco's Modern.
Life Super Metroid came out in the US this month.
It came out last month in Japan.I think we talked about this,
but it didn't come out. I was.
Playing Hollow Knight on stream and people were asking me what
my experience with Metroid Vanias was and I answered I have

(16:54):
not played Metroid nor have I played Castlevania so.
What? That's the also the reaction.
What everyone on stream God you,you can't have not played
either. You know you have to play one.
I'm having a pretty good time with so I think I'd have a good
time with either of those. You should.
Play Sutton. Sutton.
I mean, you should play Sutton Yeah, for sure.

(17:16):
You just should. I mean, the other Castle games
are good. I like Don of Sorrow.
I like Ari of Sorrow. I like or of Ecclesia, but
Sotton is the is the is the one.I'm like, I I like imagining
myself right now not knowing that Sotton is a Symphony of the
night. Yeah, yeah, Just like, what the

(17:36):
fuck. Yeah, I'll check that out.
And then then Googling Sotton. We should we should gauge
instead of an interest meter, you should do the Sotton thing
and say. I'm interested in this.
I'm interested in this. OK.
Thank you. Thank you.
Super Metroid, one of the best games ever made.
I love it. It's kind of hard to play these
days. It's.

(17:56):
Yeah, It was the first real gamethat I ever owned and and
played. Now, I didn't do very well in it
or get very far, but I do remember starting it up and like
it being, you know, a bit of a formative moment when suddenly
you're playing video games. You know what I mean?
Suddenly video games are real. Here is a game.
What is a game? That was.
Not is a game. This is a game that was

(18:17):
definitely not made in Japan forthe Genesis.
It's 0. The kamikaze squirrel.
Remember when James could just be super racist?
Like, oh boy. Hey, game gamers.
Hey, where's my 0? The Comic Con squirrel remake,
Huh. Where's that?

(18:37):
Where is it? That's it.
There's some more history and then we're done.
Hooray. Close the book for this.
Month, the end of history. The end of.
History, souls, souls and souls I was.
Trying. Oh damn it, you got to do it
before I could. That's Soul Calibur, right?
Is it welcome to the stage of history stage?
Of history to the stage. Heaven or hell?

(18:58):
Dual Watch. Of history dual one fight. 5.
All right. The wheel of fate is turning.
The wheel of fate. It is turning.
It turned. We watched it.
We all saw it turn. Anyway, that's all that's
history. That's the yeah.
Yep. Hey, I've got a I've got a

(19:18):
folder on my desktop. It just randomly showed up.
I don't. I don't know where it came from,
but it's got a bunch of covers in it.
That's weird. Do you know anything about this?
That's right, Bob. This is judging a book by its
cover. The part of the podcast where we
do what they say we should not do.
You can't scare me and you can'ttell me what to do.
That one space goes this time. Yeah, a little bit.
Yeah, it's. Impossible to break out.

(19:39):
I need to go to sleep before I'll get it out of my head.
So #1 the original cover. This is the US cover and most of
the foreign covers as well. The Jacobus cover has Forest
Green text on a yellow background.
The central image depicts a three-point perspective of a
classroom school interior looking up from the floor at a

(20:00):
central table on which is a hamster cage.
The cage is split open and a hamster the size of a large dog
is emerging from a shredded holein the side of the cage.
Green monster goose spills off the edge of the desk.
The ceiling in the back wall of the classroom is visible, all
strangely warped and tiled with pink and blue.
It's a pretty interesting composition, and the freaky

(20:20):
little monster at the center looks really good.
Yeah, I like this cover. Actually this cover.
Think this cover is iconic? I think yeah, I.
Agree. I agree.
I agree the tag. Is he's one hungry hamster.
Thank you for that's. OK, it's.
OK, although although he's not, I mean he is not actually one
hungry hamster. Like that's not AI mean, not
really no more than any other hamster, I would say, but I I I

(20:44):
think this cover is iconic. I do think cuddles the hamster
is up there with the rabbit fromgoosebumps.
You know what I mean? Like monstrous animals are
iconic for goosebumps and I do think this cover is iconic.
I I think the cover is good. I think the hamster looks
genuinely intimidating. Like you know, it's as scary as
a hamster can probably look. The fisheye lens thing that it's

(21:06):
doing is neat. Also a great classroom
background, you know, with the letters inside the lined, like
the capital letters lowercase. Yeah, man, that fucking hit.
That hits, man. I'm there.
I don't know teach like uppercase, lowercase
handwriting. I'm sure they do.
Sure, they probably it's. I don't think that they do

(21:27):
cursive, but I mean they don't do any any teachers in in who
who are listening definitely letus know that banner.
Or like that like, yeah, that banner is like, so
quintessentially every classroomI was in for like the first five
years of, yeah, grade school. Like even you've already learned
the letter is it's still there. Yeah.
That. And like a pencil.

(21:49):
Yeah, true. Why?
Why does it have a little white?Do you see that Like a little
white border between the logo and the rest of the cover?
Like what? What is that?
Maybe that was the. Thing they were trying to do to
make the goo look more like it'scoming off a shelf maybe?
Anyway, no, yeah. No, it does.
What is that? That's weird.
It's like they cropped the imagewrong.
Yeah, also like. Look at cuddles, like right at

(22:12):
the nose area and think like if you put this in an image
generator and ask is this Garfield?
It'd be like 75% It's Garfield. The teeth it is.
Getting there, it's. I will give it the orange and
yes, the ears are also I would say Garfield ask.
It's close. It's close.

(22:33):
He's giving. He's giving, I said.
I'm. Sorry, I'm sorry, it's giving
Garfield, he says, yawning. I'm sorry, I took my dog for
like a two mile walk this morning so to tire to tire her
out and now I'm tired. Oh, by.
The way it's, I didn't mention it at the top, but happy Garf
Giving did. Did you?

(22:54):
What did you get your loved onesfor Garf Giving?
I danced. Like John Arbuckle, thank you
for them. Thank you so much.
That's a greater gift. There is not a.
Greater gift, man, my gift was sort of more of a concept I
gifted the hatred of Nermal. I I sort of.
Held. I held space for hating Nermal

(23:16):
in my heart, you almost said. Normal.
No, I would never. I would never.
I would never. And I gave the gift of removing
What the fuck is his name, Lyman?
Lyman. Removing Lyman from everyone's
collective man. Removing his body from the

(23:37):
basement. Do you remember that, Garfield?
Game where Lyman's fucking bound.
Like in the basement. He's like chained and bound.
I'm glad people were. Having fun with it, you know, it
would be really like the the Winnie the Pooh game that like
has the for some reason survivalhorror stage in it, the really

(23:57):
Silent Hill esque stage. What if there is a Garfield game
and there is like like the the first monster was was Lyman
bound Like see now I'm just. Imagining like Neon Genesis,
Evan Gallion with like Lyman strung up instead of whatever
that thing was, Adam. Instead of it, Yeah, Adam, yeah.
Also, I was watching I'm I'm rewatching House for a potential

(24:20):
like video series that I was thinking about doing and I just
got to it was like the fourth season and there's where he
mentions. Where he?
Specifically talks about Garfield, not no.
He he it's not yet he referencesPokémon directly.
In one of the episodes, House MDmentions Arceus, the God of

(24:40):
Pokémon. What?
That's not a joke. That's not a bit it's really
happens. He says Arceus Pokémon.
Look it up. Alright, I will because.
That. Isn't that also the correct
pronunciation? I believe it.
Is yeah, So what? That now I could.
Now, I could be correctly pronouncing it.
He might get it wrong. I could be retroactively making
it right. But I swear to you, it is real.

(25:02):
I swear it's like in one. Hour photo where there's where
he talks about. Evangelion.
Yeah, Yeah. All right, that's.
What I was conflating those two things.
Lyman is the monster nurse from Silent Hill too.
Tell us with the great. Cover from the UK, the UK, the
UK. Is the typical UK cover is
watermelon colors this time right at the kind of like it I

(25:24):
do think it looks. Delicious.
I think it looks very tasty, yeah.
Except for that yellow bit around the pain.
I don't know if I would eat that, but the the letters.
Bad wouldn't eat the letters, but I would eat the goo, yeah.
Yeah, in the middle center is the top half of a hamster
looking towards the viewer, kindof doofy, Nuff said.
It's, I mean, it's better. Than like a screaming child,

(25:46):
I'll say yeah. At least he doesn't seem happy
to be in the goo. I mean, he's like nonplussed.
It's a sort. Of I mean, it's not scary, but
it is like an ugly hamster. Like, yeah.
Speaking of ugly hamsters, yeah,the French cover.
Some do depicts a pretty abominable snowman ass chicken
nugget ass looking hamster I. Hate that she's a.

(26:08):
Chicky nuggy I. He is very chicky nuggy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really like the child who's
saluting in his arms. Yeah, he is.
He is. Clutching a child 1/3 it's.
Size The hamsters sclera are black with green pupils.
Green goo is at its feet. The floor is checkered.
The effect is extremely doofy. It's sort of.

(26:30):
It it should. Be noted that this is most
likely a Conan who has to be. It has to be, but I think that
they got Conan the Barbarian confused with Conan O'Brien.
Yeah. Yeah, I do think it's.
Sort of traumatizingly scary like if I I would have a fear of
this as a child and then go backand recognize that it wasn't

(26:52):
that scary, but like that's. Occurring to me is that one of
the reasons why Jacobus is just fantastic of these covers is
because they're they're fantastical and his use of
colors are very like vivid in such a way where it's like
fantastical. Where is this cover is using
pretty muted and pretty realistic covers for at least

(27:15):
the the core of it, and that kind of makes it more fucked up.
Yeah, we are in. Uncanny valley territory here.
This is like also. Also this is giving like the the
red background in the shade, it's giving a little suspiria, a
little gel. I do that.
This this has this has the quality.
This image has the quality of a thing you would see in your,

(27:35):
like, science textbook. And that the the an illustration
that looks so weird it would stick with you forever.
You know what I'm like? Yeah.
The are they on a chess? Board, No, Yeah.
That's everything in France, that's all.
They're always playing chess. Oh yeah, they.
Live. They live on the chess board.
The hamster is. Saying King me, King me.

(27:57):
Kippleval. I'll.
Trade you this child. Yeah, Kippleval, this is the
Dutch cover. The Dutch Cover.
Monster Blu. Blu, this doesn't cover what is
shitty. No cover, this is just.
The Dutch cover depicts a classroom at night in which a
male child clutching books stands looking toward the
viewer. A female child is is seated in

(28:20):
the foreground, facing away fromthe viewer, reading a pile
reading from a pile of books. The room behind them is dark,
but lit from outside through thewindows by moonlight.
Immediately to the right of the boy, a giant hairy, clawed hand
is smashing through the wall andgrasping for him.
This was probably like one of the bulk standard ideas that

(28:40):
they had. They're like, what if a big claw
came through a classroom? I mean, I think that.
I think the classroom doesn't look bad, and I do like that you
can see the the hamster's tail in the background of the
windows. I think that's kind of a neat
effect, but it feels like the kids are put there after the
fact. It feels like they didn't know
what to put in the room and they.
Just. Maybe had a a stock a stock

(29:01):
image of two children in a room like because it the boy.
Neither of these children is reacting to the fact that a
giant claws burst through the door.
Yeah, it seems like. A thing that that should be.
It's kind of a boring composition overall, despite it
having like some good, good details.
I didn't even notice the tail. Yeah, I think that was.
Cool. I like that.
I was like. Well, hamsters don't have tails,

(29:21):
so I think that's the problem. In my mind with this is that
it's too subtle. It's like, this is a children's
book. Like all of the other covers are
like, yeah, freaky hamster, let's go with that.
And this one is just like, yeah,it's the kids at night in a
classroom, which doesn't make sense, but like, and doesn't
happen well. Also the vibes.

(29:42):
Are like completely weird. Like the left side of the
picture is like is like a suspense and the right is a
giant fucking claw bursting through the wall.
It just doesn't. And the kid is not reacting.
Yeah, they're not reacting. It's like.
Right, that's weird. The reaction thing is not
working. Like, yeah, it's just.
Really strange, Interesting. It's like, you know, it's, I
don't know, it's like it this was like filmed and they took

(30:05):
the exact frame where something was happening and they took the
frame right before everybody reacted to the thing that
happened. Yeah.
They need to be like, their brain hasn't processed.
Yeah. Hamster claws smashed.
Through the wall. It's weird.
I do like the blood for the for Kip of L, though.
I mean, that's fun. Yeah, I, I tend.

(30:25):
To like the Kip of L covers but this one is just like a bad
idea. It's too much stuff.
It's like 3 different covers andone of them is really boring.
So moving on. Most of the others took the
Jacobus cover. People weren't too excited about
this. When it doesn't seem, yeah.
Or I mean, also he got kind of got it in one.

(30:46):
So true enough. Stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff.
We love stuff, stuffy stuff. The first stuff is a pocket
scream machine key chain. This is a choking hazard, not
for children under three years old.
And you press a button and it screams.
It has just the Jacobus cover onthe front of it.

(31:07):
It seems like a really lame idea, but a little the the
ability to press a button and make a scream.
That's pretty good. Yeah, I would have liked that.
And you can watch Goosebumps on the Fox Kids network.
Oh. But you can't watch Monster
Blood 2, so little bit of it, you know it's true.
Anyone. Notice a certain a certain name
of a certain podcast right next to that's right.

(31:28):
It says you try me if you dare. That's right.
That's right, reading the screen, the title of this
podcast, Squeeze. Centre.
Squeeze. Center our podcast Squeeze
Center our. Podcast Welcome to our podcast,
Scary Screams Key Chain. Key chain.
Scary screens? Key chain, Yeah.

(31:50):
Our pocket screen machine. Is that a pocket screen machine
in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
That's actually a good name. For a podcast Choking hazard
Small parts not for children foryears.
Hey this. Hologram fucking sucks, yeah.
Yeah. OK so the next stuff is a
Monster Blood 2 holographic ringthat's on ring.
I love the. Splat that just says ring ring.

(32:14):
So on the ring On the very largering is one of those iridescent
holographic images printed on Mylife featuring a doofy Five
Nights at Freddy's looking hamster Guy.
The reverse of the package, however, contains an adorable
story about the how the image was made by blasting cuddles
with a Krypton laser with a specially coated glass plate.

(32:37):
Since the above. Sticker notes the ring was made
in China. Cuddles must have travelled
there. The ring likely cost about $10
USD, which adjusted for inflation and tariffs is roughly
$350.00. That's right, this would.
The I You'll never financially recover from owning this ring
you. Can also view of cuddle.
Well, hold on. To get the best view as an

(32:58):
unfrosted view of light bulb or cuddles direct sun watery light
dripping Luckily eyes and cuddles gaping wasn't too mouth
hungry use a when he clear lightvisited the source such as
holographer I'm having a. Stroke.
Thank you. Graphic design is my passion.
Thank you very much. You think, yeah, this is like,
don't dead open. Inside.

(33:20):
Dead don't oh then inside side open in well well.
Wait, Brandon, we we have ring. But what about ring?
Necklace. Oh.
My God, it's even worse. The Holocaust we even have.
Necklace this. Is even.
Have a back story? This bullshit?
So this necklace. I I like the necklace because it
looks like the design it's a different design of the hamster.

(33:43):
It is. It looks like exactly if they if
you went to the people making the Casper 90s remake movie and
said make a hamster ghost, that's that's what this would
look like. It looks just like that.
I agree with that. I don't know why so like these
sorts of like little kitsch ephemera for children like
rings. Like did anyone wear this shit?

(34:04):
Did you? Were you a guy that that wore
the monster blood 2 holographic Mylar hamster necklace at to the
schoolyard? Can you imagine?
No, I. I, I never, I got this stuff.
To be clear, I got this stuff when I was a kid because I was
part of the Goosebumps like fan club thing.

(34:25):
So I would get these and things like these necklaces and you
know like novelty shit, not justfor Goosebumps, but for random
other shit. Never would wear it.
The only time I would even consider like showing other
people this stuff is when it waslike a in a card or like a like
a page of a book or something orlike the color of the book.
It's like the. Scene from From What We Do in

(34:46):
the Shadows where he pulls out the silver necklace that his
love gave to him. But he's a vampire, so it burns
him. So he puts it on to show
somebody with gloves. And then he like, is gesturing
up and down at it, like, like smiling, but he's burning him so
he's like wincing as his smoke. That's me holding my chest.
Monster Blood 2 holographic necklace wearing wearing.
Their monster blood 2 holographic necklace for the 20

(35:06):
seconds before you put it back in the box for Can I also.
Say I was walking my dog yesterday and the elementary
school not that far from me was having like an open house day or
whatever, and they were having an outdoor scholastic book fair.
I didn't go in because I didn't wanna be a person with no
children walking around in elementary school.
Scholastic book fair, but they still exist.

(35:30):
Wow, that's. Cool.
Yeah, it was. Cool.
I was like. Hopefully you made that sound
very loudly and earshot of all the people around.
No, I stopped. And stared.
And I do think a person thought I was a weirdo because they came
out and they were like good morning.
I was like a good hi, hello. And then you're lucky you're
like my dog. Really wants to go get a
goosebump and I was like, listen.
I'm not a weirdo. I'm literally walking my dog.

(35:52):
Look, look, look at, look at thedog.
Look at her, look at her. He's a cute dog.
Be assured of my normality in. In all honesty, I am confident
that if you walked up to those people and said hi, I'm just
getting a flood of memories fromall of those, I bet.
If I said I just wanted to see what the scholastic book we had
to sail, it would have been finewith it.

(36:14):
Yeah, I fucking. Lived for the book fair.
I did the most. Important day of the year.
Like, yeah, absolutely. The sidewalk was always ending.
We're always getting those thosegoosebumps.
We're always getting the the where the sidewalk and I would
love. I remember one year I got a
magic book. Yeah, it, it had like a bunch of
magic tricks in it. And I believe it came with a

(36:37):
pack of cards that were like, you know, it had like a like a
cut out in the back of it so that you could like push your
thumb through and push up a cardso that it would look like it's
hovering. Yeah, yeah, Sorry I'm getting
emotional that met. Those magic tricks were so
important the. I mean like the Scholastic

(36:58):
catalog was was huge for me. Like I was an avid purchaser of
things from that catalog and as established on.
Previous episodes it was literally huge because you were
teeny tiny. Exactly.
Yeah, exactly. It was as big as me.
Giant book fair and sometimes. You would drop it on your foot
and go oh God damn it. Hello, it was me.
I live here in the in the under the cover.

(37:19):
It was like. The book fair.
The monster blood. I use the book.
As a blanket it's yeah but but. Mario Yeah, exactly.
The, the, I mean, the, the catalog was very important and
they're waiting for Scholastic Books to arrive was like a huge
day. Like genuinely really exciting
to get like the package in the mail of Scholastic Books on my

(37:42):
desk. But there is nothing quite
captures the excitement of the Scholastic Book Fair when
suddenly you can buy anything for any reason.
Like, you know. By all.
Of it the the catalog you would have to be choosier right,
because you couldn't just buy everything in the catalog.
Well, you're in the bare gloves are off you're buying shit for

(38:02):
no God damn reason. Oh what's that is that is that a
bag of a Bailey school kid with some witch fingers in it?
I'm buying it spy gear buying ithow to draw manga.
I can't draw at all. Fuck yeah give this to me like.
Yeah, I'm walking out of there with.
The entire the Animorphs book. Oh hell.

(38:22):
Yeah, and a stick of. Fried butter?
Yeah. Did I?
That's where. I fucking bought my Hort Bazaar
chronicles, are you kidding me? Yes, yeah, there's one more.
Image in this pack, and I'm justgonna say this right now, I
would wear this sweatshirt unironically so.
Of course I wrote notes. An amazing sweater.
This white pullover sweater shows the Jacobus art in the
center with a large, aggressive text reading.

(38:44):
Hamster attack. Yeah, hell yeah, I would wear
this. I would wear this.
There's no question about it. Hamster attack Beautiful.
Not. Here's the thing.
Not only would I wear this, I think this sweater it would be
unironically dope as fuck In 2024.
I think people would think you looked cool as shit if you wore
this in public if you took. Off the goosebumps G it's great

(39:05):
even with it but if it would be better.
Without the GI. Agree, but I love.
This like 90s action font. This is like.
I think it looks better. Than a lot of sweaters you can
buy now yeah the. Word Attack is written with like
the font they would have used for like.
Like a soccer. A shirt featuring someone
playing soccer. RAD soccer.
Radical soccer. Radical soccer.

(39:26):
Very different from normal soccer.
Yeah, yeah, I'd. Say so.
Way more rad. Yeah, it's, it's, it's at least
20% more radical. Yeah, I.
Think what's the is it? Is it you have to backflip every
time right before you kick the ball?
You have to. Kick your opponents in the face
with those cleats which. Require and I think it requires

(39:47):
you to do a backflip. You have to do that the same
time if you succeed. You must do the backflip.
That's what cleats are for and that's unfortunately it for the
images. It was kind of a kind of a slim.
Kind of a slim. I mean, it's that's consistent.
That feels right. That feels about really weird.
Because I remember the especially the cover for Monster

(40:09):
Blood 2 being pretty iconic. I thought it was like more of a
thing. But it really, the more I
experience like Monster blood 2 and the more I researched it, I,
I think Monster Blood 2 isn't like looked upon very favorably
in the future. Well, I mean.
I also think of that. That's also how I felt about

(40:30):
Monster Blood One, like where I was like, boy, this cover is
iconic, it looks great. And then I'm reading it like,
wait a minute, is this way? About.
Yeah, but at least with. Monster blood one it had like
pack insurance that had like thethe goo in it.
Yeah, gak and shit. Yeah, true.
Things and. Yeah, I feel like it's you're
hard pressed to find anything that is Goosebumps related that

(40:52):
doesn't somehow like even the font of Goosebumps is calling
back to monster monster blood. A little bit, yeah, I think
you're right, but that's why I'mshocked.
And go ahead, I was going to sayI.
Do like the fact that like this was completely natural for them
to do a sequel because it is a horror series and like having
sequels, having like infinite sequels and numbered sequels was

(41:15):
was like so completely part of the horror Ovla of horror movies
in general that like no one. I don't think anyone ever
seriously questioned why were why are you doing that again?
That's just a horror movie thing.
I take the old idea you do it again.
I'm I'm with. You and I agree.
I think it works better for things like of the eventual

(41:35):
Night of the Living Dummy sequelor the more obligatory Haunted
Mask sequel. That one feels extremely
accurate to the franchise universe where it's just like,
well we have to do it. My greater thought is why the
fuck is there a Monster Blood sequel?
Because like, like, it's a strange pick.
I guess it's 'cause it's easy towrite I guess.

(41:56):
What? We were talking about this last
night, and I truly think it's just because RL Stein had a
separate idea for what if a different animal got giant and
he's like, I already fucking didthat.
It's a sequel. He's.
Going to be like, I mean, he wasprobably thinking like, I bet
that this would work for kids. Just like having a bunch of like
normal animals turned into monsters.
You're going to have Monster Blood 20 and this time it's like

(42:17):
a chinchilla or something, you know?
You know, I, I might be speakingout of turn.
I might be I might be being a little rude, but I'm really
confident that this was a pitch from a or or RL Stein had this
really basic idea and then the ghost writer like kind of took

(42:39):
it and ran with it. I I'll.
Be real with you, Bob. I don't think it's a ghost
writer. I think this one is RL.
There is I'm. Feeling not a single mention of
how terrible deaf people are in this book.
I mean, you're right, however completely antithetical to the
core story of of monster blood. Well, I'll just I'll.

(42:59):
They do have lots. Of fat guys that this is true.
But fat shaming is not the same as death shaming.
No, but. Here's the thing, Bob Arlstein
also forgets how monster blood works in this book, so it's
true, yes. You know, I think he has almost
entirely forgotten that he wrotethe book Monster Blood like.
Like, it's almost like someone who didn't write Monster Blood

(43:23):
wrote this. I don't know.
I'm. Tired because I think that this
book is really breezy and so I feel I agree actually, I don't
it's good it's breezy it's. Bad, but it's breezy.
Yeah, I agree. It's not a good book, but boy, I
moved through it pretty quick. But yeah, that's.
The episode, everybody would cover it.
But I did. Want to mention the reason I was

(43:46):
the kind of where I was going with that is that it really
seems like this is the the the kind of like black sheep of a
lot of of goosebumps. And to add to that, I could not
find the audiobook version of this it.
Exists apparently. Well, that's the thing.

(44:06):
It exists, but do you know when it came out?
1995 No, not the. Not the book, the audiobook
version. No, I don't.
Know I'll tell. You in a couple weeks.
It comes out. This month.
Wait, what? Hasn't been released yet.
It has not been. Released yet?
I found a clip of it and guess who's back it's.

(44:29):
I know, I know it's Kirby Hancock.
I know that it's Kip. Fuck about, Kip, fuck about.
Yeah, I know. It's Kip.
Fuck about. He's.
Back, baby. And yeah, they had him redo it.
How do they get him back? It's been years.
It's been years. Yeah.
He's back. He's reading it for.
He's reading the second one. I found a clip.
I actually signed up because I searched online and I found that

(44:54):
Amazon had the audiobook for it on Kindle audiobooks.
And so it said in order to listen to this, you have to sign
up for their, you know, Kindle audiobook, whatever.
Audible. Yeah.
Yeah, Audible. Thank you.
And so I, I was like, all right,well, I really want to hear
this. So I signed up for a free month.

(45:15):
I logged in it said they they totally got me.
It's not out yet it's out in a couple weeks.
I cannot. Believe that they are still
releasing audiobooks of old goosebumps bumps.
And not only that, but of this one.
Yeah, and that's why. I'm saying like this is kind of
the black sheep of of Goosebumpsbecause I can't believe this did

(45:38):
not have an audiobook version until this.
I would have in 2025. I would have thought they
recorded. This back-to-back with the first
one like they just gotten Kip fuck about to come in and do 2
back-to-back like yeah, that's crazy.
That's wild to me. That's I'm reeling.
It occurs to me that. Maybe he recorded it and then
they only just decided to like edit it and put it together

(45:59):
maybe. I doubt it, but yeah, I.
Mean by the time this episode comes out, the viewer might be
able to. We'll probably be able to listen
to it. Yeah.
So you all can tell us what you think of it.
Yeah, let us. Know how Kit fuck about did this
time and whether he listened to our episode of Monster Blood and
stopped quiet going All right and with that, who has the first

(46:22):
round of chapter summaries? It is I.
Space Ghost. Space Ghost.
Can you go ahead and summarize the beginning, the beginning
third of Monster Blood too? Sure.
There's a hamster named Cuddles.There's a school.
There's a child. Just one.
That's about it. Yeah, well, no, there's several

(46:44):
children. You're right.
You're right. There is only one adult though,
that's true. Well, yeah, all right.
Chapter 1 Evan Ross asks his dogTrigger if the dog ate monster
blood. Again, Trigger was as big as a
pony, and he's about to set sailbig as a.
Pony and stepped. Toward Evan Evan tried and
failed to order the dog to sit. Evans inner monologue reminds us

(47:07):
that last time on Dragon Ball Z,the monster blood disappeared
into thin air and that it makes you grow giant.
The dog picked up Evan by the waist with his giant dog teeth
to Evans protestation, and carried him outside, growing
ever larger. Trigger carried him to the
garden and began digging a hole in which to bury Evan.
He's dead. This is surely his grave.

(47:28):
Chapter 2 Of course this was a loathsome goops bumps freak out
fucking. Hear that?
Did you like how Evan says I'm not a bone?
Yeah, I. Did like I'm not a bone.
I'm not a bone. I'm not AI just have bones in
me. Well, he's a dog.
He loves bones. Yeah, that was the that would.
Be the problem though, he's fullof bones.
He's full of bones. It's true.
It's just like a big sack. My dog also.

(47:50):
Tries to chew me all the time. So really that's not a factor in
dogs decision making processes. Yeah, if you bury.
Him deep enough and wait long enough he'll be nothing but
bones. It's true, man.
Dogs. Dogs of fear, this one trick
dogs know. But you know I.
I'll hand it to Earl Stein, at least he started the 1st chapter
where like a thing happens. It sucks that it's not real, but

(48:11):
it at least a thing happens in it, I guess.
Like, I mean, yeah. It's.
A cool thing with a. Critical flaw for one chapter.
You can be invested and now granted, the next chapter
invalidates that investment, butI'll, I'll, I'll take it.
You know what I mean? At least Like if I didn't know
it was coming I could be like ohwow crazy Chapter 2.
Of course, this is a loathsome goosebumps fake out.

(48:34):
Evan was asleep in his assigned seat in the third row near the
window of Mr. Murphy's science class, and Mr. Murphy was
standing right. Throw up in your mouth.
Yeah. Thinking about how?
This fat fuck, Mr. Murphy? No, it happens.
Involuntarily, every time there's a free a fake out.
It was just, I'm going to, I'm going to do it a couple more
times. It's going to be, we'll get

(48:54):
through it, but it's going to be, it's going to be rough.
Evan was asleep in his assigned seat in the third row near the
window of Mr. Murphy's science class, and Mr. Murphy was
standing right beside him. The teacher shouted, Earth
calling Evan, Earth calling Evan.
A class full of children laughedand Evan became red.
To offset his embarrassment, Evan made the wise decision to
declare to the class that he wasdreaming of monster blood and

(49:16):
that it is totally real. Mr. Murphy said.
You don't expect a science teacher to believe that you
found a can of sticky green gunkin a toy store that makes things
grow and grow very naturally, very teacher like.
And Evan replied, Well, you're dumb.
I'm still in the space ghost voice.
Well, you're dumb. Well, you're.
Dumb. Well, you're dumb.

(49:37):
Well, you're. Dumb.
Thank you. Stupid idiot, Mr. Murphy.
Turned red, but instead of freaking out, he calmly told
Evan off and mentioned for the sake of the reader that Evan was
new in town. The children grinned.
Why can't I keep my big mouth shut?
Evan thought. No, Evan, you just need better
insults. Level up your insults with
slurs. You should have called him and
hear you. Insert beeping.

(49:58):
Oh my God. I'm not doing that.
You No, no, no, no. I'm just going to have to deal
with you saying that. Yeah, just have to.
Deal with a dog up your. I I thought we.
Were friends. I can't believe.
You've done this. You've done this.
As punishment, Mr. Murphy made Evan stay after school to clean
Cuddles the hamster's cage. Evan reflects that he hates

(50:19):
cleaning out the hamster's gross, disgusting cage, and that
he also hates the hamster who isstupid and fat.
The worst thing you can be. To the horror of all onlookers,
Evan ran over to the cage, pulled open the door, grabbed
Cuddles in one hand, and then, with an easy, graceful motion,
he flung the hamster across the room and out the open window.
This is a real event, and that happens to occur at the end of a

(50:41):
chapter. It's true, yes.
Just like with Horror Land, yeah.
Just like. The car explosion, This actually
happens? Yeah, just for.
Really. This really for real happens.
Can I also say we talked about this a bit last night as well,
that I was saying that I thoughtit was pretty.
I guess it was relatable to havea teacher that hates you for no
reason because I I had that as well.

(51:01):
But in fairness, Brandon did point out that Evan does just
begin by saying that he's. Dumb.
He's dumb. So, okay, I grant you there
might be some reason for animosity there.
Yeah, I mean. Everybody knows that challenging
a teachers authority and callingthem dumb would be about the

(51:21):
worst thing you could do in a class.
You could drew all kinds of stuff, you could murder a
classmate and it's not as bad ascalling the teacher dumb.
Also based. On Heaven's inner monologue
throughout the entire book, I amsure at some point he had said
something fat phobic to this teacher, surely?
To God, there's no way. There's no way.
Like, yeah, this the the man, the fat phobia in this one is

(51:42):
unrelenting. It's like maybe the worst in the
entire series. I got AI.
Got a part where I I legitimately like double take
that the audio book I was listening to was like what?
Huh. Tell me you did not just do
that. Anyway, continue chapter.
Three with the real thing. That really happened.
Yeah, Yeah. Chapter 3 The Goosebumps
drinking game. Take a shot every time the book

(52:03):
lies to you in the last paragraph of a chapter and and
die and die. And.
Die, take a shot, and. Die.
Of course, Evan was having another Daydream.
Everyone thinks about doing crazy wild things once in a
while. Evan lamely tells the reader to
explain his odious lie. Evan wouldn't have the balls to

(52:25):
send a hamster into low Earth orbit.
Evan pondered the mysteries of life.
Why am I always getting myself in trouble?
Why can't Mr. Murphy ever give me a break after I call him dumb
in front of the whole class? Didn't the teacher realize how
hard it is to be the new kid in school?
How am I supposed to make friends if if Murphy is always
trying to make me look like a total jerk in class?

(52:46):
Why can't I do a Kamehameha wavelike Goku even when I try really
hard? Evan then reflected a recap of
the first Monster Blood book in which he had stayed with his
great aunt the past summer, met a girl named Andy who found the
eponymous goo in a toy store, and how his dog Trigger had
eaten it and become as big as a house, and so forth.
It was such a frightening, amazing story.

(53:08):
RL Stein wrote his character thinking, and anyone who could
write down such a story should be paid a hero's wage.
Evan told his new classmates about the Monster Blood, and he
earned the reputation of being anew kid who made-up stupid
stories, as you would expect. If only the Monster Blood had
not vanished. At the end of the last book.
The bell rang, signaling the endof school.

(53:30):
Oh, Evan? Mr. Murphy called.
You've got a date with the hamster's poopy cage.
Alas and to lack the day, Evan thought.
On his way to the hamster cage, he was tripped by a large buff
child named Conan the the Barbarian rolling on the floor.
Evan described him as a large, big, athletic, buff, older
looking child with blonde hair, blue eyes and a handsome face.

(53:52):
Evan wistfully admitted Conan was an OK guy.
Just kiss him already. Yeah, man.
They're yeah, yeah. It's the.
Amount of times. That Conan, who is just, by the
way, terrorizing Evan the entirebook there is.
A lot of talk about pounding in this book.
Lot of. Pounding and lot of lot of Conan

(54:15):
is beautiful. Yeah, very.
Handsome boy. So.
So things to note of note here, right is that one Conan is
featured in the TV, only more monster blood.
But he is a completely differentcharacter.
He is obviously not this handsome, beautiful young man
who Evan desperately wants to kiss.

(54:35):
It's it's in the TV show. He's a like a metal head kid.
Cool. The TV show was.
By the way, of course, has nothing to do with this story
whatsoever, even though Conan isfor some reason in it.
Conan O'Brien. Yeah.
Also in the more recent releases, they have changed the
word pounding. They have changed it.

(54:58):
I was just about this. To to.
Beating. They've seen it to beating.
Yeah, yeah. So officially, yeah, I was
reading the newer 1 and yeah, they changed pounding to beating
off, which is yeah right, exactly.
They also they also removed at least they don't call Cuddles a
fat freak anymore, they just call him a freak.
Yes, it's true. Yeah, wonderful.

(55:18):
Yeah, yeah. And.
It looks like they changed a lotof references to crazy and crazy
has become random or wild. I think they should.
Change more of the fat things from it.
Personally, I think the crazy 1 is really honestly the least
defensive thing that he says about anything.
It's like, yeah, the. Fat freak was removed from
cuddles description but not whatabout what about?

(55:39):
The human who is like. Fucking reference to multiple
chins waddling. Yeah, what the?
Fuck. Yeah.
Evil a villainy, indeed it is ever thus.
Conan loved pounding kids because he was big and strong.
Just kiss him already. Why'd you trip me?
Asked Evan. Conan said it was an accident.

(56:00):
Evan asked why couldn't Conan leave him alone.
Conan shrugged, but admitted Evan was right.
He shouldn't have tripped Evan Conan offered that Evan can
punch him in the gut as hard as Evan can.
Never do this like Evan off until he finally tried with all
his might because he's an idiot.And predictably, it was like
punching a concrete wall. Man, this part hurt.
Yeah. It hurt me.
It hurt all of us, I'm sure. However, it hit me deeply.

(56:24):
Drama was too into as Mr. Murphywitnessed the punch.
Why did Evan hit you? The teacher demanded.
Chapter 4. Upon the.
Occasion. Conan bestowed a slight shrug,
his blue eyes wide, reflecting an air of innocence.
I am at her loss, Sir Murphy. Conan replied in a diminutive,
melancholic tone. Evan merely approached and

(56:45):
struck at me with utmost intensity.
Here he gently grasped his abdomen and faintly whispered
whimpered. Alas, he has caused me
considerable discomfort. Sir Murphy directed his keen
gaze at Evan, his pink countenance a flushing of vivid
Crimson. Once again.
Wow, Evan. I beheld the entirety of the
insolent articulated with quiet gravity.

(57:09):
I find myself utterly perplexed by your behaviour, but Sir
Murphy, Evan began. The educator swiftly raised his
hand in silence. If you.
Identify yourself as irked by the occurrence in this in the
classroom, Sir, Murphy stated. It is most inappropriate to
unleash all frustrations upon your peers.
Tenderly, Conan continued to cross his abdomen.

(57:31):
I sincerely hope that Evan has not caused any irreparable harm,
he murmured. Might you require a visit to the
nurse, Sir Murphy enquired. Conan shook his head resolutely.
From his point of vantage, Evan noted Conan's struggle to
maintain a solemn visage. I shall be fine, Conan asserted,
stumbling away. What an insincerer charlatan,

(57:52):
Evan mused bitterly. Had Conan been aware all along
of Murphy's presence? Undoubtedly.
Go attend to cuddles, Sir, Murphy instructed Evan, his brow
furrowing. And endeavour to improve your
conduct. I shall be observing you
closely. Wow.
Wow, that was it that. Was all.
Well, I didn't. Say, wow, that was beautiful and

(58:12):
incredible work. That was, I mean, it was better
than the, I mean, better than the book by a lot.
I'm standing. Thank you.
Thank you. Wonderful work.
The The Royal Shakespeare Company and I are here all week.
Good, Sarah, Good. Sarah, this was.
Originally I plugged this into aa Shakespeare an English to
Shakespeare generator and it wasreally lame.

(58:35):
It was a lot of that gent instead of and with a bunch of
normal words as. If Shakespeare says gent all the
time, like, yeah, yeah. Evan went to Cuddle's cage and
pondered, pondered the concept of hamsters.
They're kind of cute, but they're also kind of mean.
Also, they shit and piss everywhere.
Pretty gross. Yeah, pretty.
Gross. They'll also eat their own
babies. They'll do a lot of.

(58:56):
Stuff hamsters get around. Yeah, they get around.
Is that what that song? 'S about.
You get around, I get around. That was written by a hamster,
right? Yeah.
Yeah, they are also the ones that wrote the Hamsters
collectively wrote I'm the SnakeLight by Black and Decker, which
is an old commercial with the Wanderer and obviously.

(59:18):
The hamster dance. Yeah, the.
Hamster dance. That's that's.
That's that is their song. They wrote it and.
Performed it. Yeah.
The midway into performing hamster maintenance, he turned
around to realize the hamster was nowhere to be seen.
Alas. And a lack.
But this isn't a fake out. This is.
This is Rising action Chapter 5.Evan briefly panicked as he

(59:38):
heard footsteps come and go, thinking they were Mr. Murphy,
but whatever, that they'd spent no time on that one.
Cuddles. He called.
Cuddles. I have some delicious sunflower
seeds for you. Evan spotted Cuddles under the
chalkboard, chewing on a piece of chalk.
There you are. Evan cried.
I see you, Evan crept towards the hamster.
As he crept, he said. I have seeds for you, Cuddles.

(01:00:00):
Cuddles held the stick of chalk in its front paws, turning the
chalk as it ate like a little cob of corn.
There are sunflower seeds, and Ihave them for you, said Evan,
inching closer. The hamster continued to chew on
the chalk. Bro, you know I got them
sunflower seeds, Evan said, inching up on the hamster.
The hamster stopped chewing briefly, then resumed chewing.
What these? Just some sunflower seeds, no

(01:00:23):
big deal, Evan said. You want some.
Cuddles chewed the chalk and thought of the dusty warehouse
backroom of the PetSmart in which he had been born.
Bitter feelings welled up withinhim and he bit the chalk a
little harder. Evan inched closer, holding a
large cartoon sign on which was written sunflower seeds, $2.00,
a handful. Evan crossed out the $2.00 price

(01:00:43):
with the sharpie and wrote free,nodding and grinning at Cuddles
as he did so. Cuddles ate some chalk.
Finally. Evan dove towards Cuddles, but
alas, the hamster dropped the chalk and scampered down the
chalk tray. Evan gave chase.
He shouted. You can't get away, you're too
fat. Not joking.
The worst thing a creature can be.
It's true. It's.

(01:01:03):
True, he chased the hamster. Around the classroom for a
while, being outwitted by the rodent at at every turn.
Finally, Cuddles was on the window sill.
The window was open. Evil destiny swirled around the
two of them. Swallowing hard, Evan edged
slowly towards the window ledge.Come here, Cuddles, he
whispered. Please Cuddles, come here.
He approached in this manner foras long as the reader would put

(01:01:25):
up with it, and then a little longer.
The hamster knew, of course, that there is no such thing as
free will. We are all born, naked and
without purpose, into an unfeeling and senseless world.
What we perceive to be our choices are predetermined by a
complex web of inputs we do not understand and which we cannot
control. There is only the void and us
floating in it. And so Cuddles elected to become

(01:01:46):
one with the Void and cast himself out the window.
Chapter 6. Any reflections?
Well, I've got this mirror. It takes an.
Unbelievable amount of time for Monster Blood to appear in the
story. I mean, I can't say it's not
breezy stuff is happening. I think more is happening than
happens in the original Monster Blood.
It's just none of it is in any way remotely scary.

(01:02:11):
I think it's. Funny to point out that monster
blood the original was basicallylike all set up and then monster
blood the monster blood 2 the sequel has like a squeakal.
Thank you very very very much. Has precious little setup which
is pretty good. I actually like that.
I also wanted to point out really quickly that Evan really

(01:02:36):
casually mentions his age. I believe it was during his
dream. He was like, you can't kill a 12
year old boy like me. I'm not even fat.
I. I I hate so many people in this
book. I I hate, I hate Mr. Murphy a
lot. Mr. Murphy.

(01:02:56):
Sucks. Conan sucks.
Conan sucks. I mean, Conan sucks cuz he's a
he's a bully and that sucks. Yeah, bullying is bad.
Yeah, Murphy sucks. Yeah, Evan.
Oh, Evan's terrible. Let me let's get let's get
nothing twisted to be Yeah, Evanwas an awful child in the
original book, and he remains consistently terrible in this
book as well. I do absolutely hate this kid

(01:03:16):
and think he deserves A wedgie, no question about it.
But Murphy is bad. I you know, I Murphy hits me
with the flashbacks to my youth of having a great, grateful
teachers that just like didn't like me.
Although in my case, well, I don't know what in my case was

(01:03:37):
like 7th mid grade where I had teachers such just like
adamantly, just fucking hated myguts and like for no reason and
also made it a point to be like malicious about it.
But and I think I think we have all had some teacher that just
like didn't like us and therefore we could do no right
in there, you know, like it was just like we were always the one
at fault in any situation. It's really fucking frustrating

(01:03:59):
because the situations in this book are so fucking stupid.
But it's like the the the the the Conan punch thing.
It's like really, really. Mr. Murphy, do you think that
this? Small.
Child decided, apropos of nothing, to just begin
assaulting a much larger person.Really.

(01:04:20):
Do you think tall blonde? God, do you think that's what?
Happened and like really, and ithappens later where a bunch of
dumb, dumb, dumb dumb shit happens and Murphy's like, well,
that's just how it goes like really my man, get ready for
the. Dumb shit.
I hate. It's so frustrating.
Dear, Dear Listener. Yeah.

(01:04:42):
Real leader. Yeah.
OK. Revenger.
The revenger. Yeah.
Revengeance. Yeah.
Watch hockey. Yeah, dear Revenger.
Dear Revenger A Vengeance, please know this book is really
dumb. I really hated it.
I just did That part sucked ass otherwise.
I think. I mean, it's not like good
action, but I mean, it's compelling thus far.

(01:05:03):
It's fast. I appreciate this, it moved me
along. It moved me along, it didn't
waste my time. Aside from the part where I
didn't read a story about monster blood until like the
last 9 chapters, but whatever, you know?
Yeah, and also. The first chapter is a dream,
right? That that.
Did waste my time? Sort of, yeah.
Have we? Mario, you mentioned that there
was a part in this book where itwas the most egregious.

(01:05:26):
Yeah, like example haven't got there yet.
Haven't. Gotten there.
OK. No, no, no, no.
I was thinking that. It was throwing the hamster out
the window No, and then it just like straight because I was
laughing at that part and then it just like abandons it No
you'll. I'll, I'll highlight it.
It sucks. It's really bad.
OK, get ready. Everybody, there's some there.
You have something to look forward to now?

(01:05:46):
Yeah, please. So, Evan.
Launched himself out the window like a child shaped arrow.
He spotted cuddles on the lawn and bitterly imagined flattening
him into a giant pancake or making a rug out of him.
He hates this fucking. Hamster.
Yeah, I. Mean.
He's a mean guy. He he is like constantly
fantasized. He does fantasize a lot.
Not about animal abuse. Yeah, yeah, just saying.
The little Machiavellian. Sociopath and he hates deaf.

(01:06:08):
People, yeah, he's a fucking andfat people.
Evan Yeah. He's reflecting on fat freaks
all the time. Yeah, his words, not mine.
Yeah, the hamster walked in front of cycling children.
Evans screamed internally. Evan screamed internally,
imagining the squish of death. But the bikes didn't hit the
hamster, and cuddles continued toward the playground.
Evan lost sight of him. Evan eventually reached the

(01:06:28):
baseball field. Conan was there and held the
hamster in his hand. Prove it's yours, Conan said.
Evan jumped for the hamster and Conan jumped higher.
Evan pleaded for Conan to give him a break.
Conan asked if Evans had a license for the hamster.
Evan tried to grab him again. The other baseball children
enjoyed the spectacle of a bullytreating Evan like shit. 30
years in the future, some of these children would vote to be

(01:06:49):
led by an evil orange man solelyfor the vicarious thrill of
watching him hurt other people. Shit just got real, yeah.
I mean, like, they definitely did.
Some of these kids probably died.
Speaking statistically, yeah, that's yeah.
And Conan. Played Let's run at top speed
away from that reflection. I nearly took it out.

(01:07:12):
Yes please. We're all living it, so okay.
Conan played Keep Away for an interminable time, taunting Evan
cruelly. Conan told him to sing Row, row
row your boat. Is there a shorter name of that
song? Is it just row your boat?
I think it has to be row row, row your boat.
I think it is. Yeah, I think you got to do
that, yeah. Row, row, row.
Fight the power. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Evan asked. Would he really give the hamster

(01:07:32):
back if he sang the stupid song?Evan was going to trade his
dignity for the hamster, if indeed he had any dignity left.
I guess not much of A trade since he'd been getting
humiliated constantly. Conan did not reply because Mr.
Murphy, the only teacher that exists in the school, approached
from behind, always on hand to witness the most embarrassing
moment. Conan announced to the teacher
that Evan let Cuddles get away and nearly got run over, but

(01:07:54):
Conan had rescued him. Mr. Murphy was horrified.
He thanked Conan and told Evan that he was very disappointed in
him. Evan tried to defend himself
lamely, but Mr. Murphy silenced him and left.
Evan melted into a pile of puddle of self pity.
He pictured Cuddles stuffed intoa muffin tin and baked in an
oven. Yeah, fucked.
Up. I mean like I.
Appreciate the cartoon imagery. I don't appreciate that Evans is

(01:08:18):
like Evan is complete is continuously thinking of
torturing animal. Yeah.
It is. It's, you know, it's hard to
like Evan. It was hard to like him
originally. It's even harder now.
I'd say. Yeah, it's.
A challenging. Character to to to like yeah,
if. You want us to feel sorry for
for Evan. You should probably stop

(01:08:38):
describing to the reader the various creative ways you could
think of killing a creature. A hamster.
I think that's true. Evan left the.
School and began to walk home when someone came from behind
and push him to the ground. He gazed into his attackers face
and screamed. You Chapter 7.
It was cuddles in a human sized exoskeleton suit.

(01:09:01):
Just kidding. No, it was Andy from the first
book and the two caught up. Gasp.
Andy would be starting at Evans New School next week.
They discussed the events of theprior book, that Evan stupidly
told his peers that Monster blood is real and that he was
being bullied by Conan the Barbarian.
Evan begins taunting Andy with her full name.
When she threatens to punch Evan, she she says she'll punch

(01:09:21):
him like a girl or no. Evan says yeah, she will punch
him like a girl. Andy replies Evan will bleed
like a boy. That's badass.
That's. Andy, actually, that's a badass.
Yeah, you know, for. As shitty as Evan is, Andy is
pretty cool. Andy.
Was the star of the first book. She is her fucking day.

(01:09:41):
Glow clothes yeah ohh yeah I. Hate did they?
Hey, by the way, Brand, did theydescribe what Andy was wearing
in this chapter? They they did.
She's wearing day glow clothes. Consistence.
Yeah, can. Andy exists to be the driving
force in the plot. I mean, she makes nothing but
bad decisions in this book, but so be it.
But secondarily, she exists to increase that word count so

(01:10:05):
Ariel Stein can put in a sentence of what she's wearing
every time she shows up. Hell yeah at 1:00.
Point. Twice.
Why not? Evan tries to convince Andy to
tell everyone in school that monster blood is real, but she
has too much emotional intelligence for that.
I'll do you one better, she says.
Meet me in the park after schoolChapter 8 Evan dreamt that his
dad ate a big old glob a monsterblood and chased after him

(01:10:28):
shouting you're in big trouble Evan I I appreciated that.
Why not better but. Why not?
Yeah, what is this like there is?
There is an aspect of this book that that occurred to me later
on it, It's very cartoony. There's a lot of like, yeah,
like cartoon descriptions of things like the hamster being

(01:10:50):
flattened like a pancake, a bunch of other stuff that
happens later, like, I'm into it.
I. Think that's a good direction?
It's like better than the normalboring shit I will say.
This is I think the first time when a goosebump has gone this
kind of cartoony, hinting possibly at maybe potentially it

(01:11:10):
being ghost written. But anyway, a cool.
Ghost, I have a note. Wrist real quick where that when
he wakes up from his dream he isstaring at the sky and he
thought it could be the Big Dipper or with a little Dipper
he can never remember. And then I have a little note in
the bracket that says he was stupid, just so no established
from. Monster Blood One Evan Dumb

(01:11:32):
dumb. He doesn't read books.
We know that from the first book.
Oh yeah, he hates. Books.
Yes. Evan Dumb.
And Evan Mean. Yeah, yeah.
Awful. Awful.
Yeah, So. Much better book where his dad
is chasing after him nonsensically shouting You're in
big trouble, Evan. Get it Evan?
Big trouble. Anyway, Evan wasted.
The rest of the page pondering what Andy would show him after

(01:11:54):
school and went back to sleep. The next day at school, Evan was
tormented by Conan again. He did the old tying shoelaces
together thing, which I I have never experienced myself because
I don't think a single child could ever tie someone else's
shoelaces together without beingdetected.
It's amazing. How time has has gone full
circle here, because in the first Monster Blood episode, we

(01:12:16):
discussed whether anyone had ever tripped on their own suit
shoelaces. That's literally a plot point in
the first monster blood. Yep, that.
That, remember, goes nowhere. It does.
It does. Yes, it could have.
Rachel had a really good idea, if I remember correctly, about
how that could have like factored in.
But no, Nope, more cul de. Sacs Little tiny cul de sacs the

(01:12:36):
only. Prank involving tripping that's
ever worked that I've known is, you know, getting someone
distracted and then you get another kid to go behind them
and then get on their hands and knees and then the other person
pushes them over that person that that works pretty well.
Or the old leg. On the leg, a classic, just
stick your leg out as they pass or just.

(01:12:58):
Punching them in the nose. Yeah, yeah.
You know. Like grabbing them from behind,
forcing them to the ground. Yeah, yeah, there's there's
there's several ways to trip. Several, several less creative,
much more likely to be successful ways to trip the
Conan is. I mean, Conan does also trip him
several ways. He's, he's like an art of the
he's, he's an artist of trips. So he did the old tying

(01:13:22):
shoelaces together thing. That doesn't work, I don't think
in real life. Mr. Murphy showed to Evan that
Cuddles was sick and accused Evan of being the cause.
In his mind, Evan accused the hamster of faking it to get Evan
in trouble. This psychotic child.
When Evan sat back down in his seat, he felt cold water seep
through the back of his jeans. With a startled cry, he jumped
right back up. Someone, probably Conan, had

(01:13:44):
poured a cup of water on his chair.
The class laughed for 10 minutesand the And the teacher, the
only teacher teacher in the school, ordered Evan to sit back
into the rank puddle, not stretching credulity.
Now I know in a monster blood book, but I I think that that's
an unbelievably cool thing to do.
After school, Evan met Andy and described his shit day Evan Andy

(01:14:08):
told Evan to close his eyes, which he did, then tried to spy
through the crack when she pulled her hand away.
Evan will not fail to do even the most meaningless of crimes.
Andy retrieved a bag from behinda tree and handed him a familiar
blue can, it said Monster blood surprising miracle substance.
Evan. Began screaming about it until

(01:14:29):
Andy told him that the can was empty.
What good is an empty can? He asked, then pulled off the
top, peered inside and screwed. I mean.
First of all OK the inning is dumb but also like why would he
go from Oh my God you can't havebrought monster blood to the can
is empty. Well then why the fuck?
Did you bring monster blood? Evan, pick a goddamn reaction.
Pick something. Pick a lane.

(01:14:50):
And stick with it like pick your.
Goddamn lane please like. And the kid.
Clearly has PTSD about this shitlike and who fucking wouldn't?
And now he's like, oh, where's the monster butt?
Like he's got? PTSD, preteen suicidal
depression. Chapter. 9 Andy is shocked to

(01:15:12):
find that the can, in fact can is about half full of monster
blood. I'm sorry of that bad goo, is
what I wrote here. And yet this startling discovery
does not especially face her, and she begins suggesting a
litany of unbelievably terrible ideas for what to do with it.
This is a thing kids, kids at home.

(01:15:32):
Have you ever if you and your friend ever had a horrifying
traumatic experience which left you with crippling PTSD and her
with a seemingly unceasing desire for self destruction?
If you have right into RL Stein,it's so.
It's like, this is such a weird energy for Andy to have.
Like Andy is still the best character in this book and it's
not really a question about it. She's the best character, but

(01:15:55):
like, I guess she was a little bit wacky in the first book, you
know, quirky, manic Pixie dream girly.
I like how you. Use the exact words from the
edited the newer version of Monster unintentional.
But yes, unintentionally. But yes, not crazy.
Wacky, not crazy. Random.

(01:16:16):
Random. Lol.
So random. I didn't want to say that
because. It's just not, it's, it's not
true. She's certainly no, no, I think.
They say that just because she'skind of tomboyish, yeah.
I mean, she's, she's a very. 90sthing, it's like, Oh yeah, yeah.
She's different. I'll say see, she's different.
She's Dayglo. She's dayglo.

(01:16:36):
But it's such a weird thing for her to be like, yeah, let's do a
funny little trick with the monster blood.
Andy, you were there. You lived through this like.
This. Isn't a thing you'd like.
Why would you want to play around with it?
It's you almost died. Like, yeah, I'm actually.
Kind of surprised that Evan and Andy are still friends.
I mean, that kind of experience would definitely like kind of

(01:16:57):
bond you in ways, but like, did we all just forget that Evan was
going to abandon Andy at a certain point?
True too. That's true too, also with the
problem. Of a trash can full of monster
blood I get Yeah right. Remember, he was just like, hey,
can you just keep this monster blood?
Yeah. My parents are coming, I'm out.
I'll I'll fucking just keep thismonster blood later but.

(01:17:18):
What's interesting also here to I'll just, I'll begin saying it
here because it keeps coming up,is that RL Stein just doesn't
remember how monster blood works.
Like true because Arlstein has changed it now where the monster
blood itself is the thing that grows that is not true.
To dear listener, if you don't remember let me hit you with the

(01:17:39):
cannon. Monster blood is a regular
normal slime toy that is old. Also got a stress that has been
cursed by a witch and the witch is dead.
The witch has died now. OK.
And that's the. Reason why the monster blood
disappeared in the 1st place. It's why his.
Dog is no longer giant. It was.

(01:18:02):
Reversed because she died, have you?
Considered that maybe the monster blood ate itself a
second, which is a way better way better to suggestion.
I I, I mean, I know we. We both agree more on multiple
witches. It's like, wow, what a bounty,
like my happiness. Is directly proportional to the

(01:18:23):
number of witches. It's absolutely.
True we both talked about this in Salem seeing a bunch of
people walking in witches so you're like this is amazing what
an amazing place this is we're we're.
We're easy, man. We're simple.
If it's if I'm very easy. More witches, more better.
I want witches baby. I want witches for days if I
bring them on. We walked into a crowd of
witches. I we were both like beaming.

(01:18:44):
We were so happy. I've never been amazing.
Before you were like I, we. Can't believe it.
Yeah. Salem is amazing town, amazing
town. But also, you know what?
It's just great. It's just it feels holistically,
spiritually fulfilling to see this.
Anyway, Yeah, real quick, real quick.
Real quick about Salem and this is stupid and and it's a bad,

(01:19:05):
it's at a bad aside. OK, I was watching a tech repair
channel the other day because wow, I was looking for a
specific thing. Yeah, for for this laptop I was
repairing Jerry rig everything. Or I can't?
Remember the name of them and it's it's like scary rig every.
Something rather and I was. Like, is that Salem, MA?
It was. They are two blocks away from
Deacon Giles. Really.

(01:19:27):
Yeah, no, it's like. I want to go to there that's.
Oh my God dear listener Deacon Giles, if you if you are a
listener and somehow our podcasts reach you in the
Massachusetts area in any way near Salem, MA, you owe it to
yourself to go grab a cocktail. If you drink them, they also
have mocktails there at Deacon Giles.

(01:19:48):
One of the best cocktail places I've ever been to.
Rules. Great place, super nice people
that work there. Also for Halloween in not last
year before last they had an over the garden wall cocktail
which was cornflake infused whiskey.

(01:20:09):
It was delicious. It was delicious.
I have. Posted there it's Salem Tech is
the channel or Salem Tech experts and their logo which is.
Excellent. It's a little.
Raccoon which is with a witches head and a little screwdriver.
Deacon Giles Great place Salem, great city witches.
We're pro witches on this podcast.

(01:20:29):
Pro witches. Extremely pro.
Witches indeed, we I. Believe we said it that Sarah
Beth the Witch and Monster 1 is like the sensational character
find of the Goosebumps series. Breakout star.
Breakout star. Anyway, this is the dumb witch.
Though not the no. No, Evan struggles to let's see
here. And so to determine how to

(01:20:50):
dispose of the increasing WE grow or in the infinitely
growing goo. Again, don't question how this
works when suddenly Conan appears.
Hooray, everyone's favorite character, Conan O'Brien, Yes.
Yes, yeah, Conan. Apparently is an adherent to the
strict gender norms as he doesn't like Andy's name, which,

(01:21:11):
as we note in the first book, itis important that she does not
like being called Andrea. I'm pretty.
Sure. Evan also says in the first book
that Andy's a boy's name. Yep, he does.
He does. That's also when she says Evan's
a stupid name. It's a stupid name.
Evan's stupid. I'm Evan's stupid.
I'm Evan's stupid. And they were friends forever.

(01:21:33):
Forever. Conan demands the paper bag that
Evan is clutching, which is the bag with the monster blade in
it, and but Evan cleverly hands him an empty bag.
What? In retaliation?
In retaliation, Conan fucking crushes Evan's hand into a
paste. The quote is it looked like raw

(01:21:53):
hamburger, which I thought was interesting.
I was like, what a weird visual metaphor.
Well, I realized another reason why I think this is RL Stein
writing it is because in the original Monster Blood, he
refers to things being looking like hamburger meat more than
once. He just like when he gets beaten
up in the first book. Yeah, when he gets beaten up in

(01:22:14):
the first book, he mentions thatthey had that he looked like
his, like his nose looked like hamburger meat or something like
that. I also think it's very.
Funny noting that yeah, he Evan got his shit rocked in the 1st
and he gets it. Rocked again and he keeps.
He has really bad luck when it comes.
Evan is. Perhaps the most bulliable child
to have ever lived, I think is the thing here.

(01:22:34):
He's he's just so readily bulliable.
He's stupid. He's mean and he gets hurt a
lot. He's he's got AI mean.
Like I don't like him, but he's got a rough life.
Yeah, he does. It's.
True, he's definitely gonna. Become a villain later in life
and. That's true, potentially later
in. This book who knows this?
Just reminded me, I said. Flash.
Brandon, of course, knows this, that in high school and indeed

(01:22:57):
in grade school, whenever I would be experiencing physical
pain, I would laugh uncontrollably.
That was my reaction was to justcan't laugh very loudly.
And I don't know if that's a good defense against bullying or
not, but it is what I did, so itwouldn't.
Stop. It would throw people.
Off Yeah, it was a. Ceaseless discharge nuts and

(01:23:18):
stuff I'll never forget. This is so fucking not a
cliffhanger. There's a moment in this chapter
here after so so Conan gets the empty bag.
He walks off, having been bestedby logic and then besting Evan
by breaking his bones. Unfortunately, one of those is
more painful. But there's a horribly fake

(01:23:40):
cliffhanger here where Evan saysI dropped the monster blood and
I was like, Oh my God, they lostit.
It's it's missing. That's what the plot of this
book is going to be. No, Evan means that very
literally. He just dropped it like, right
where he's standing. Like, it's like just literally
right there. It's not missing.
It's right below him. OK.

(01:24:00):
In the same way when. He realizes it's not as in his
hand, and then the next chapter is the camera panning down and
it's just. The ground next to.
The I guess. It could be worse, it's not even
a chapter ending cliffhanger, but it is like this is the
equivalent of me forgetting thatI put my pencil down right next
to me like I lost my pen. Enthralling reading.

(01:24:23):
Yeah, the. The monster blood has continued
to grow, so the kids wisely buryit in a shallow hole, which will
definitely solve the problem. I mean, that's that's.
Like kid logic, it's good logic.If I can't see it, it's not a
problem. Like if I'm not aware, monster
is. If the monster is coming, cover
yourself with a blanket. If he can't see you, you're
good, right? Yeah, it's a.

(01:24:45):
Very. Similar logic to Evans.
Out of sight, out of mind. I'm just going to leave Andy
with this monster. One.
The trash can, I mean. It is consistent with Evans
portrayal in the previous book he was in in which he definitely
did this exact thing several times.
They were burying it. But definitely like if I put it
in a bucket and then hide it, it's fine.

(01:25:05):
Probably next chapter. Put it in a.
Buck at school this next. Chapter is auspicious because at
last Evan's dad appears in litter in literature instead of
on TV. It honestly not what I would
have thought for Evan's dad, significantly a more interesting
character than I would have expected.

(01:25:25):
Yeah, he's kind of a. Art nerd?
Yeah, he's an. Artist Evan's dad is an artist.
He makes 3D metal sheet art is the type of dude who would.
Be super into 3D printing right now.
Yeah, probably. I I do think like guy who makes
3D metal sheet art is an extremely 90s thing.
Like all of the all of the metalsheet men you see sitting in

(01:25:48):
peoples yards were all made between the years 1992 and 1997,
Yeah. He's definitely one of those
dudes who made one of those big mobiles the the yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, one of those big. Mobile Suit Gundams, yes.
Yes, that's his next project. This is Kita Senchi Gundam and
the robot. Evan's dad.

(01:26:09):
So he has just finished making his impression of an autumn
leaf. It does not look like a leaf but
his it's impression. Evan does not understand art and
also has a shitty son because hemakes fun of his dad and like
internally mocks his dad's artistic endeavours.
Which like I get it, your kid, it's kind of not normal you
know? It's not quite a quite normal.

(01:26:31):
I understand the like gut reaction to thinking it may be
weird. Also like Evan, you're a
constantly bullied child. Like maybe you should be nicer
to your parents like Mario. Bullying is all he knows.
That's right. That's.
True. Yeah, this is one of the like
the the mysteries of the world and that like many, many people

(01:26:51):
who are bullied turn around and bully other people the second
that they get the opportunity todo it themselves.
It's like bullying is like a fundamental force of people.
People is mean. Animals do it too.
People is mean. And animals also is mean, yeah.
Everybody please, please be nice.
You say to your past self, why you, you know what this is like?

(01:27:13):
Why are you doing this to other people?
It's also wrong with you. It doesn't.
Like, OK, your dad worked with sheet metal.
There is no way that he doesn't own a blowtorch, right?
And that's like the coolest thing that a person can do in
their garage easily, easily wheeled a.
Blow wheeled a blowtorch. With like the the mask down,
that's cool as hell. Well, I think my.

(01:27:35):
Dad do, Yeah. Wielder of the Weld, right?
Exactly. If I saw, if I knew my dad was a
welding warrior, I would be likeoh holy shit this is so cool.
This is the. Dad walked in behind you,
wearing the mask and the blowtorch and went sorry, lifts
the thing up. Are you winning, son?
So Evans Daddy's last work, The Wheel, has been accepted in the

(01:28:00):
Evans School's art competition. I don't know how that one
worked. Yeah.
Not. I'm not like I can imagine.
I can imagine a school art show.I can imagine a like community
art show. I cannot imagine an adult art

(01:28:20):
show at a school like I imagine.The things he'll do.
Like if the school was like a Catholic school that was
associated with a parish or something, I could envision that
one that would make sense to me.But that's because I went to
Catholic school. So like, I can envision that
more easily at school. Evan is late to Mr. Murphy's

(01:28:40):
basketball tryouts, which why ishe the basketball coach too?
There's one fucking teacher at the school.
There's one. Teacher, one guy, one adult
only. I think that's like a good idea
for Goosebumps though. They should not have multiple.
They definitely should. Not introduce more characters.
I do agree I I think making his nemesis Mr. Murphy be like
everywhere is the right call, even if logistically it makes no

(01:29:03):
sense. I mean, he's.
Omnipresent. He is a He is a an authority.
Well, he's. Omnipresent.
Except he's only omnipresent when Evan is getting his shit
wrecked. Which is most of the.
Time. Yeah, true.
I want. To say that they did that purely
for a set up pay off of a joke that happens later in the book

(01:29:24):
about basketball about. Basketball.
Speaking of basketballs, Evan opens the gym door only to be
immediately be killed by a speeding object.
Murdered. Short book.
Yeah. He dies from this.
Good, good ending. Yeah.
No. Sadly, Evan did not die.
Next chapter. Yes, yeah.

(01:29:47):
Kevin, did I think here fucking break Evan's nose?
I do think that's what happened.I'm not entirely positive, but I
think that's true. Mr. Murphy does not give a fuck
about that. He's just like, well, that's
just kids being kids in the gymnasium.
I mean the kid who? Threw it out of it, said that he
it was a perfect pass. And what was his name?

(01:30:07):
Biggie the friend Dick. Dick Tracy.
Villain Biggie Malik. Biggie.
Balls. Biggie Malek is is the most not
here's another again another oneof those like put a pro or a
point in the pro RL Stein column.
Biggie Malek is an RL Stein child name like this because no

(01:30:32):
no child is actually named Biggie.
He could have been a. Contender so.
Mr. Mr. Murphy also does not care when Biggie Malek literally
and in front of God and man dunks.
And then like a basketball. Yeah, that's what I'm saying
about that. And launches him through the net

(01:30:54):
fully like the comic, like the the the cartoon feeling of this
entire book. Is it like it peaks here where
for sure, for sure. Child dunks another child fully
pilot. Drives a child through a basket.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what?
I don't. Has that ever happened in a

(01:31:14):
Goosebumps book? They're pretty grounded.
Like I don't want to say grounded, I mean nothing.
This crazy? Yeah.
Yeah. Human beings are not capable of
superhuman actions in Goosebumpsbooks.
Monsters are right. And I include evil people as
monsters. I think we can all agree that's
true historically. But like, kids don't normally

(01:31:36):
have superpowers in Goosebumps books, just as a general rule.
Gives them the powers unless a witch.
Gives them the powers, or a mutant gives them powers or
something like that. The fact that another child
dunks a boy, it's pretty unusual.
Mr. Murphy's response to all this is you're just too short.

(01:31:57):
You're just too short to play basketball to its own response.
And you're. Too fat.
I mean round. It out Yep, round it out I mean,
that being said, this is also fucking grade school basketball.
No one's too short to play gradeschool basketball.
It's not a fucking real sport. It's just a place for children
to go to dribble a ball around and like it's not good.

(01:32:18):
It's not good sports, right? No one's.
Here, thinking that these kids are actually going to be good,
that's a bonus if the kids are actually good at the sport.
It's more about just having kidsjust be kids and play with each
other. It's a place for.
Children trips, it's a place forchildren to go for their
parents, don't have to see them for an extra hour a day.
That as well, yes later Andy comes up with a devious scheme

(01:32:43):
or to quote Blackadder, A cunning plan.
Next chapter Andy clothing description has the great and
not insane idea to give cuddles a little monster blood as a
treat and just. Wearer of clothes just enough.
To make him dog size now all right, let's just again remember

(01:33:03):
can you come on right there. The monster blood is magic and
there is no dosage of monsters blood that that makes a like
there is no dose size correlation right?
Once you eat the monster blood you just keep growing.
That's that's the way it works. The curse that's.
Being like transferred from the monster blood into whatever eats

(01:33:26):
it is that it will continue to grow and grow and grow right
the. There, it never stops that's
that's why the dog eating the monster blood was a problem,
because it. Continually.
Yeah, just like the monster blood, which was the problem
that they were dealing with through the entire first fucking
book. But I guess they just forgot
that. And now it's like, well, these

(01:33:48):
are kids to make a. An an an an an overly not one to
one correlation. But this is like in my actual
job when people ask me in court like, well, what's a safe dosage
of methamphetamine? There isn't one.
What's your name? Dosage you're not supposed.
To take it at all, it's bad all the time.

(01:34:11):
You shouldn't. Even if it gets you really high.
Yeah, unfortunately. I mean, I'm sure.
What if I want? To get high.
Well then, it's all. Right.
Then I guess OK, have they ever?Asked you what's the best drug
for getting high? The jury leans in.
And where do you? Get it leans in further.
No, this is. The worst question ever was do

(01:34:32):
do dead bodies smell bad like. In court.
In front of a jury, it's like, yeah, they do.
Have you ever? Shit yourself, literally.
Literally the question was then followed by do they shit?
I was like, I mean, sometimes, yeah.
Do they shit? Did they shitted?
They came their. Pants and they shitted, then

(01:34:53):
pisted themselves. Unbelievably real, true stories
of life. We need to do.
We need to do. A sub podcast talking about all
the fucking nonsense you've gonethrough and you're an attorney.
Asks how? How is baby form?
That was baby formed how a girl will get.
Pregnant I I. Did I know?
I mean, another great question was, do now, doc, do bears eat

(01:35:16):
people? I was like, I mean, I mean,
first of all, a classic. Like setup like obviously we
know the answer here. So just, you know, fill in the
blank here doc and it's just like.
Bleeding. Well, I'm not a bear expert, but
just historically speaking I think we could say that's true.
Barely eat anything. Especially if you take them to

(01:35:36):
Hometown Buffet I do believe. They are omnivorous, but was
that your answer? I do believe.
That they're. Omnivorous, I think.
I said yeah, Yep. Anyway.
This is all prelude to the fact that the monster blood is gone.
It's not there anymore. Who would have thought that
burying it less than one foot under the ground didn't work

(01:36:00):
that well? Oh my God, could have predicted
this happening. Certainly not me.
So anyway the. Town was then overrun by giant
ants. Ants, which is.
I mean literally the do you think that they read monster
blood 2 before making more monster blood and thought about
that? Or did they just make monster
blood 2? Did they just not and think like

(01:36:23):
maybe they just put giant Ant inthis one?
They watched Space. Ghost Coast to Coast in one
episode. It's a real.
Chicken, it's a moron. It's a chicken.
And egg situation. It's true.
Chicken and Ant. Evan.
And Andy realized that holding ahanding cone in an empty bag was
actually not a clever strategy. I mean, probably he followed
them to their hiding spot. Wow, no way.

(01:36:46):
Anyway, at school Evan decides to just demand Conan clothing
description give the monster blood back.
But Conan needs that goo to get bigger so he can # Evan better.
I need to just process that information.
He needs go to Neath the goo. No, Evan.
Better, Mario. No.
No. No, you got to use the new, the

(01:37:08):
updated. You got to say that, you know,
needs to get bigger. So we can beat him off better.
There you go, improvements so. Anyway, he.
Shoves on event lockers that that's that's what happens.
The response to that is, is he get shoved in locker?
Correct. Thank.
You Conan, he gets. Crammed into a locker, right?
Because this school is full of idiots and morons.

(01:37:30):
When Evident finally escapes, heis unable to explain his
tardiness to Mr. Murphy, who then punishes him.
So much of this. Would be explained if Evan was
just like Conan is bullying. The fuck say?
It like if Kevin, if Kevin, if Evan just said, if Evan just
said Conan, shove me in a locker.
And end end. Period.

(01:37:52):
What, Like I, he, I guess he's supposed to be out of breath or
something, But like that doesn'tprevent you from then saying,
hey, the reason I was late is because Conan shoved me in a
fucking locker. Like I, I specifically remember
there is a day in grade school where a kid who at the time was

(01:38:12):
not necessarily a bully, but he had some like anger issues.
He had some problems. He got a lot he I continue to
know him all with your high school.
He got a lot better and became amuch mother adjusted person.
But at the time he smacked me inthe fucking face with a chair
and I was walking around with like an ice pack on my face
because I had a big fucking bruise, you know, developing.

(01:38:35):
And everybody kept asking why I had it.
And every time they asked, I said, well, it's because that
kid hit me in the fucking jaw. Like, it's not hard to, it's not
hard to explain. It's the first.
Thing you'd think to say it's the just.
Say it. It's not like there's no, there
is no reason why. I cannot imagine why Evan would

(01:38:55):
just not say it, that it's not that hard.
It's not that hard to let other people from other grade schools
punch you. That night, Evan and Andy
attempt to break into Conan's house.
This is kind of exciting. It's kind of a neat event again.
It's not scary, but it's an event.
Things are happening again. Yeah, they're doing a thing.

(01:39:16):
Now here. Here, Bob, is what I think is
the worst fake out that I've ever read.
Goosebumps. And that is that suddenly, as
they arrive at Conan's yard, an angry, loud guard dog runs at
them with intent to kill. All right, it's too late to run.
Andy shrieked as the dog bears down on them.
He's dead. They're dead and.

(01:39:37):
Then they're dead. They would be.
Dead. I mean, they would be dead.
Yeah. OK.
Now here is the part where this next chapter, the dog was
Trigger, who you will remember, is Evan's dog.
Yeah, so Evan's dog. Evan, the tiny dog.
Dog who? Is a Cocker spaniel followed
them and predicted where they were going, arriving ahead of

(01:39:57):
them at Conan's house in time toset up post as a guard dog in
Conan's yard. And then attack them as a guard
dog might, rather than approaching them in a normal way
like a dog would that knows you.I hate this like I really
fucking hate this. This is despicable.
This is despicable. RL Stein.

(01:40:20):
I just. Will will he not answer for his
crimes? Someday he might.
We got to get him on the. Pod.
The duo break in through a window.
Andy implies that she has done this before.
OK, interesting. She's cool.
So she's cool. All right, they explore the

(01:40:41):
house and find Conan's room. Conan has a teddy bear.
And that's very funny to imaginethat Conan also did not even
bother to hide the monster blood.
I mean, yeah, Evan, why would he?
It's in his house, like his. Room Why would he didn't think
you were. Going to break into his home
like, like honestly. I would like why would you?

(01:41:02):
Hide it Yeah, there's something to hide if you OK let's say your
mom went into your bedroom and found your can of monster blood.
OK and like it's a toy it's likeAndy finds monster blood easily
easily. Evan opens a can and finds the
goo has kindly waited until right now to grow exponentially,

(01:41:25):
but before they can ensure before it OK it like it like
grabs his hand. It like traps Evan's hand.
Yep before they can get his handout of it and he's like it's
pulling me in, which is a weird thing to say because it's in a
small toy can like it's not really pulling you in anything.
Evan it's, it's like he might mean.

(01:41:46):
It like in a in a psychological sense, No, it's like entrapping
my. Drawing man.
This isn't like the BLOB where the guy gets pulled down the
drain in the sink. This isn't just a a very clearly
small canister. It came.
I can't pull you into it. It's just grabbing on to you
anyway. It's just.
Sucking you off some. It's sucking.
Him off, yeah, it's sucking him off.

(01:42:07):
And anyway, this ignoring this frightening scene, someone has
come home. Oh my God.
Oh my. God.
By sheer coincidence, everyone is here, the whole gang.
Evan and Andy. Hyde on the window ledge in what
I would call an almost exciting sequence.

(01:42:27):
It's it's definitely like actualphysical danger.
Again, it is an event which I would say is credit where it's
due. You're reading something, things
are happening. And I mean, the monster blood is
present. So if not directly the point of
the book, it is present. Conan comes home and goes to his
room where he listens to rap music.

(01:42:49):
It is 1994, so I will let you imagine what that rap music
sounded like. It is.
The hip hop. The hippity hops.
It turns out Andy is afraid of heights, OK?
And she and Evan just have to sit on the relatively high
window ledge and wait a minute. Wait him out, wait him out.
Hold on. Yeah, so there's a character
named Biggie in here. Yeah.

(01:43:10):
Notorious BIG came out with Ready to Die in 1994.
Oh. OK, Evan is listening.
To ready to die. That is what Evan.
Is that is Conan is listening toEvan, Evan doesn't like or if.
You wanted something appropriatefor what's happening.
Coolio came out with. It takes a thief.
Oh, OK. I do like that that would be if

(01:43:31):
the in the theatrical release ofthis book, that would be what's
happening. That's the background track.
Evan definitely does not listen to rap and you know that, you
know, Evan is 100% a kid. That's like no rapper country
please. I listen to everything.
No rapper country he. Definitely listens to classic
rock. Oh, for sure.
And he thinks that. That makes him cool, so they

(01:43:53):
are. Hiding on this ledge, very tense
situation. They're waiting Conan out, but
Oh no, Trigger is here and he's barking up at them and Conan
hears Trigger and pokes his headout the window comically in a
almost comic ridiculous scene tosee what's going on.
Cliffhanger. Will they be spotted?
Could it be? What will happen?

(01:44:14):
Who? Knows.
You know I do. Chapter 17 Quick recap, the very
last chapter of chapter The verylast sentence of chapter 16 was
Evan started to fall, and the very first sentence of chapter
17 is no, he didn't. Conan's mom tells Conan there's
cake and ice cream for dessert and he leaves, allowing Evan and

(01:44:35):
Andy to go back into the house and make their way down the
stairs. What's that?
No, there wasn't. I said yummo.
Yummo to yummo. Delicio.
So continuing the long legacy ofGoosebumps quote, I'm
christening this the bump scare.OK?
Conan's father tells Conan to goto his room and to get the math

(01:44:55):
homework he was having trouble with, which I'm sure will result
in them getting caught. Charter 18 Conan's mom demands
Conan eat his cake and ice creamright now.
I mean, honestly. Hell yeah.
Yeah, I. Like, I like Conan's mom.
You know, when we were talking earlier about, like, good
characters in this book? I, I like Conan's mom.
Like Conan's mom is, yeah. Eat your fucking cake and ice

(01:45:16):
cream right now. Don't worry about any homework
shit. Fucking yeah, Dad.
Shut up, let him eat his ice cream.
I love that. Eat this ice.
Cream now young man, eat ice cream.
Which allows Evan and Andy time to finally escape the house.
Once outside, Andy helps Evan dislodge the can of Monster
Blood Suck stuck to his hand. And by the way, there's been a

(01:45:37):
lot of talk of sucking sounds sucking.
And pounding. This book is full of sucking and
pounding, sucking and pounding. Lot of that going on, and in the
first book too, Evan makes Andy promise to bury the monster
blood, albeit begrudgingly. The next day, Evan comes down
with a case of the sniffles and his mom keeps him home from
school. But once he returns, Evan

(01:45:59):
notices that Cuddles the hamsterhas grown to the size of a
rabbit, which isn't really that big for a hamster.
I mean, it depends on the rabbit, the curt, the curse.
Is weakening it's. You can practically.
Hear RLS Ghost Rider shrugging in defeat with this bump scare.
Bumps scare. Bump scare.
Guba bumps. Guba bump scare chapter 19 Mr.

(01:46:22):
Murphy thinks Evan has overfed Cuddles, and Evan briefly
considers calling him a fat fuckbefore deciding against it.
Kid can't win. I mean, he just cannot win.
Nope. Murphy tells Evan to stay after
school to discuss cuddles, and Evan attempts to find Annie to
yell at her for feeding monster blood to the hamster, but gets
harassed by Conan instead. Shocking.

(01:46:45):
Having learned nothing about thehandshake trap, he's fallen full
multiple times. Already.
It's OK. So this has happened multiple
times at this point. Conan.
Conan will be like, hey, Evan, sorry about that.
You know, I'm just kind of, you know, I'm just going through a
man, you know, we'll put her there and Evan will go in for a

(01:47:06):
handshake and then get his hand crushed and turned into, quote,
hamburger, hamburger, hamburger,hamburger, hamburger.
Just. Buy a hamburger.
When I get back the two too stupid.
To live but. Yeah, and he even yells at
himself for falling for it for asecond time, and then here he is
falling for it for a third time.It's not a flaw, it's just

(01:47:28):
funny. Anyway, the next day Evan
arrives back at school, desperately hoping Cuddles has
returned to normal size. Chapter 20 Cuddles big and
escape. Chapter 21 Cuddles is the size
of a dog now, and the entire class thinks it's cool as fuck,
but that's not important. At the start of the chapter,
Evan is talking to Andy, and a boy is described as waving to

(01:47:51):
Evan, and Evan doesn't wave back.
You know, Evan, this might be why no one likes you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, you little. Freak little fuck.
Anyway, Andy confirms she fed Cuddles monster blood.
Evan cut science class to avoid getting yelled at by Mr. Murphy,
who also thinks having a giant hamster is rad.

(01:48:13):
The chapter ends with Evan wondering how big Cuddles is
going to get. Chapter 22 Evan and Andy arrived
back at school the next day to discover Cuddles has grown 10
feet tall. Mr. Murphy fruitlessly tries to
command Cuddles to sit, quote, down.
Cuddles get down. The teacher's chins quivered and
his body, his big belly, bouncedup and down beneath his tight

(01:48:38):
Gray knit polo shirt. UN quote.
Maybe RL didn't use a ghostwriter for this after all.
Maybe. Maybe it was.
Like a collaboration. He's like, listen, I'll I'll
I'll give you some material to work with.
And he gave him 4 pages of like the disgusting fat slob waddle
down the hallway. Yeah, maybe it.
Is a ghostwriter because it's not as bad as it could have

(01:48:59):
been. It's hard.
To say, right, maybe it was a collaborative effort, that's
true. That's true.
Anyway, Cuddle starts to destroythe school one chair at a time
and the chapter ends with Evan getting an idea which is
probably stupid. Like he is chapter 23.
Evan's idea is to get his dad's wheel sculpture that was set up
in an earlier chapter and give it to Cuddles, who will surely

(01:49:22):
be entertained by it so much that he will die or something.
I mean it's. I appreciate the setup pay off,
but like you got like Evan, you know that like hamsters don't
just like naturally like wheels,right?
Like the hamsters don't like seewheels in nature and think like
fuck yeah, wheel time for me. Wheel time he is.
A dumb kid and this is a cartoonuniverse.

(01:49:44):
I guess that's true. I guess that's not so far away.
Chapter 24. Cuddles destroys the wheel and
grabs Conan, who starts sobbing and crying for his mommy.
He also starts vomiting ice cream and cake while pissing and
shitting his pants, but that wasleft out of the book.
Anyway, Evan gets the idea to eat some monster blood and both
him and Andy make their way to Andy's locker where she's

(01:50:05):
stashed it. The locker's stuck, but when
Evan manages to swing it open, the monster blood pours out onto
him and starts to devour him with sucking sounds.
Thank you. Sucked off to.
Death The Monster Blood Two-story Chapter 25 Andy saves
Evan from the sucking sounds, soEvan jams some monster blood

(01:50:30):
down his throat, which he says doesn't taste bad and describes
as lemony. Evan begins to grow, immediately
calling into question the monster blood growth speed set
up in both this book as well as the previous one.
But fuck it, who cares? Just doesn't know what are the
rules. What are the rules Gubba?
Bumps don't matter. Don't worry, Don't worry, Mario.

(01:50:53):
It's goosebumps. It's goosebumps.
Forget it, forget it. It's Mario.
It's goosebumps double. Bumps House of Tucci.
Evan begins to fight Cuddles andthe chapter ends right as
Cuddles is about to bite Evans head off.
The sound of a loud pop echoes throughout the classroom.

(01:51:16):
Yeah, I mean it would surely this.
Was the sound of Evan's head being smashed by Cuddles right?
No, dear listener, it was the sound of bullshit as Cuddles and
Evan both return to normal size.Why did this happen?
Andy explains that the expiration date on the can of
Monster Blood is today lol. The universe.

(01:51:38):
Booze in unison as Mr. Murphy makes a joke about Evan joining
the wrestling team instead of the basketball team.
Yeah, yeah, I actually really like.
That ending, it's very it's, it's real.
Looney Tunes shit, although I would say again, it's sort of a
question of how the fuck this the what are the rules again?
Because I'm fairly sure it wasn't outright stated the

(01:52:01):
monster blood was expired in theprevious book.
I thought it was. It seems like it's not, but it's
definitely it's ancient. It's.
Very old. Very, very old.
Yeah, but. Also, again, this is not how it
works. It's not the monster.
Blood is not the thing that makes them giant.
It's. True.
It's true. This is.
The the the Looney Tunes cartoonwhere Bugs Bunny is crashing in

(01:52:25):
a plane and it stops like 2 feetabove the ground because it ran
out of gas. Yeah, yes.
It is exactly that way. Yeah.
I mean, it's it's it's very goofy.
It's not scary anyway. But it, you know what?
It's I, I think it's a funny ending.
It works enough. It's fine.
Oh well. It's about to get funnier,
Mario. So smash cut to that night as
Andy meets Evan at his house. Andy says her parents have sent

(01:52:48):
her something from Europe. Then Mr. Murphy arrives, OK, and
gives Evan cuddles as a present for kicking his ass, I guess
Because. And by the way, that's not Mr.
Murphy cuddling Evan. That's Mr. Murphy giving the
hamster, whose name is. Cuddles.
To Evan anyway. By the way, it isn't mentioned,

(01:53:10):
but Conan cried in piston shit himself to death.
Yeah, anyway. Yeah, yeah, I presume he is
covered in piston shit and is a baby in the face now and is.
Dead Big X is for his eyes anyway.
Andy exclaims that her parents sent her a can of German monster
blood Mootster. Boot and the book.
Ends as Evan notices Cuddles eating something, forever

(01:53:32):
trapped in this mobius strip of stupidity.
The and it's just the way. At least it wasn't French
monster blood. OK, the cover.
Of My Foot 3 implies that it's about Evan growing giant.
But Evan, I fucking grew giant in this book.
We already did that, RL Stein. I do.
I do. Like the consistency because if
I remember, I'm going to look atit right now, but I'm pretty
sure in the cover his shoes are united if that's true.

(01:53:55):
That's, I'll grant, yes, I. Remember this?
We would both have to have imagined that.
I guess we did. Because his shoes are tied but
sucks. Well, wait, who is?
This is this in it's it's Evan'sblind of way too bad.
So OK, Yeah. Oh no.
No, I, I know what it is. I think that there's a a cover
where like a kid is flying and his shoes are untied, man.

(01:54:15):
Oh. Yeah.
Is it monster? Is it going to fly?
Yeah, I'm going. To look that up, checking to.
Fly. Fly his.
Shoes. Are shoes are untied?
Well, no, they're tied. They're tied.
Loosely. They've got very long legs, long
strings. Yeah.
Yeah. Also evil, evil seagulls.

(01:54:36):
Yeah, I guess. OK.
Cool, I'm going. To hope that that's what that
book's about when you get there.Also the Dutch.
Version of this book. Cuddles was replaced with Killer
the Rat, so just really. OK, why would they name their
rat killer for? School.
Yeah, maybe it's maybe it's a fun juxtaposition of a cute
little thing being named. Like, I guess looking at the

(01:55:00):
trivia on the wiki that shall not be named.
Apparently this cover is Jacobus's favorite.
Is one of Jacobus's favorite covers because quote it was fun
trying to make a hamster look evil.
UN quote you know. He did a great.
I, I he did a great job. Yeah.
I'm glad he had fun. Yes, I'm glad.

(01:55:21):
He had fun as well. He was also.
Maybe a little bit happy that the hamster was actually in the
story, I mean. Credit where it's due, the
hamster did appear and the. Cover explicitly happens, it
does the. Cover happens and the there is
the hamster is an actual threat in the book.
I'll give you that. I'll give him.
Yeah, credit where it's due. Yep, Evan.

(01:55:43):
Almost gets a bit which I don't know if it would have been
fatal, but I guess at the at thehamster at cuddles size at the
time it could have done serious damage, you know.
The bar is in the gutter, but but you know you know what?
It's a kids bookstore in the series.
Yeah, you. Know.

(01:56:03):
Yeah, no. So with that, unless anyone has
anything else to talk about, we can switch over to Brandon's
patented review or Mario's patented review, whichever one
y'all want to do first. I'm chomping.
At the bit, I'll go, go for it. Go.
For it, go for it. All right, mind.
Of a child is what I'm calling this now because I can never
remember the name of the bit. And I think from a kids

(01:56:27):
perspective, I think this book would have been a lot of
suffering because there's a lot of bullying and getting
vicariously bullied is not fun. Evan's Evan, however, does suck,
so maybe it'll feel a little bitlike justice for him to keep
getting punished. That's the wrong way to think,
but that's a very child like wayto think.
I think kid, and certainly kid me would have appreciated the

(01:56:49):
cartooniness of a lot of this. If you have to have violence,
rather than have a bunch of people boringly talk in a
hallway, having them get cartooned up and flattened into
pancakes and things like that, that that's just more
entertaining and faster and better to think about.
I think that that's OK. I think this would have been OK.

(01:57:10):
I think if there's a lot of likekind of crap suspense and a lot
of stretching, but it's it's somehow just doesn't feel as
egregious as a lot of the other Goosebumps books.
Being breezy is a huge benefit to a book like this,
particularly when it's not like that very scary.
And that that's probably the biggest problem of this book is
that it's not at all scary. Yeah, I agree.

(01:57:32):
As an adult, I appreciated that it was breezy and.
Yes, I, I. Liked that despite having a lot
of time wasting in it, it somehow just didn't feel that
bad. I don't know.
These are the kids and the adults.
Parts are starting to collapse Ithink.
I think you're becoming. A kid again in many ways, yeah,
I'm. Becoming young and fresh again,

(01:57:52):
I have nothing more to add. That was it.
OK, snap snap, snap. OK, then I'll I.
Will patently I will patently review this patent.
Please do. This this.
Patently something book. OK, I if you may recall, as I am
recalling at this moment, I review this in three categories.
I'm remembering what they are asyou 2 listener probably are #1

(01:58:16):
is relatability AKA the teen zone or the kid zone.
OK, I, I all right, I think thisbook is actually pretty
relatable. I mean, it's a bullying book,
which is already kind of immediately relatable.
As I said, I did have a teacher that was like this in grade
school and I bet that other kidsdid as well.
So this like frustrating relationship with, with your

(01:58:39):
teacher is here, I think, and also the new kid at school being
made fun of 'cause, you know, I,I think that Evan is relatable
even if he's terrible. But then aren't we all probably
terrible as a kid? So I would, I'm going to give
this like an 8 for relatability.I think it actually is pretty
relatable. The scariness factor.
I mean, it's like a, it's like aone.

(01:59:00):
This book is not scary. As Brandon said, if this book
has a true flaw, it said it's not scary at all.
And I mean, even compared to other goosebumps books, which
are frequently not scary, this one is absolutely unscary.
Like Brandon said, I think like it actually is pretty breezy to
read. And I, I, well, I don't think
it's actually a good book. I do think it's like a very

(01:59:20):
readable book, you know, all things considered, it's just
terminally not scary at all for a cover that makes it appear
like it might be. And then finally the Stein
factor. Again, I think this is pretty
high. I I, I truly in my heart believe
he wrote this one, and I think that it is if he didn't write
it. The ghostwriter is astoundingly

(01:59:42):
good at mimicking RL Stein has clearly done his homework, his
or her homework, and read the first one cover to cover
multiple times and also every every other book in the series
to know like Yes and. Read and read a guide on how to
hate fat people. Right, exactly.
Like the RL Stein Bible for how to write these books.

(02:00:04):
I think, I mean, this is for me like a 10 out of 10 on Stein.
Like so either it's written by him definitively or the best
fucking ghost writer in the business came on board and
batted A dinger out of the park on it.
I mean, so that's my there it is.
You got an 8A1 and A10. What does that mean?
I don't know. What does that mean overall, I
couldn't tell you. I think it's, I think if you're

(02:00:24):
going to pick a goosebump book to read, you're probably not
picking this one because no onespicking monster blood too, you
know? But at the same time, you could
do worse than this. Yeah, you could do much.
Worse. Yeah, yeah, speaking.
Of which I'll go ahead and give my ranking update.
I have been kind of struggling with this a bit, but I've

(02:00:45):
finally decided that monster blood two yeah is slightly
better than Monster Blood one. I appreciate a couple things
about it. Where monster Blood the original
is 4 out of 10. Classically terrible.
Probably one of our biggest stinkers early on.
Most hated? One of the most hated,
certainly. Yeah, yeah, I would give.

(02:01:05):
This a 5 out of 10. I'm still kind of mulling that
over in my head, but I one of the things I really appreciate
about it is that it it doesn't fuck around and faff about as
nearly as much as the original did.
I I don't. Think there's any chapter in
particular that feels like a waste of time?
Like there? Well, there probably are.
I guess if they are, they're short enough that it didn't

(02:01:26):
bother me. That's the thing.
That's. The key where it's breezy,
that's the thing that we were talking about earlier.
That's the thing. That makes it most feel like
it's just a ghostwriter that really captured RL Stein.
I think like the last time we had one that was ghostwritten or
that was heavily suggested to beghostwritten, it also was pretty
breezy and it felt like this ghostwriter is trying to keep

(02:01:48):
things moving in a way that RL Stein often doesn't.
He does capture the essence of several things like the the like
extreme focus on bullying and unfairness and a couple of other
steiny things are in there. It it may also have been that
like, you know, the ghost writerjust filled in the stuff like
that he wrote that RL Stein wrote his favorite thing.

(02:02:10):
He could have written part. Of it, it's true.
I mean, he could have maybe the maybe the ghost writer filled
out the like intervening material and RL Stein just wrote
the big scenes. It's possible that was part of
the. Lawsuit wasn't it because Stein
was saying that you know he he used writing assistance but he
was still in charge of like the thrust of the story which
totally makes sense because that's where a lot of Stein's

(02:02:32):
ideas fall flat is in the in betweens is like connecting like
bits of the story to like actualthings happening yeah he.
Has kids running from one end ofa camp to another a lot.
A lot of meanders. Here's a way.
To put to put the a pin on this on the way this book works is
this book has probably some of the best intervening chapters of

(02:02:57):
a Goosebumps book like, you know, best like filler chapters
of just like the connective tissue.
The connective tissue of this book is very strong in that it
doesn't waste a lot of time. It keeps you moving.
Stuff is happening. It's in.
It's entertaining enough. Yeah.
Where the book? Doesn't work actually is in the
like major actual action of the book.

(02:03:18):
The meat of the book is not verygood like but the but the the
sinew is great. You got great gristle in there.
Yeah, and. This also suffers.
I, I think, you know, one of thebiggest reasons I think it was a
Ghost Rider is because just the core, like I think that RL Stein
would have remembered, like how monster blood works.

(02:03:39):
Because. Yeah, maybe I'm maybe it's
wrong, but at the same time, like this definitely seems like
a game of like a like a a game of telephone where RL Stein's
like yeah, no monster blood. The idea is like or someone like
going back to Monster Blood one and like kind of reading it
really quickly and trying to getthe the vibe, which is like, Oh

(02:04:00):
yeah, there's a goo that grows and if things eat it then they
grow and then just. Being like, yeah, fine foot.
There's. That growing goo thank you all
for. Listening as always, if you
would like to support us here and You Can't scare me, please
check out our Patreon. You can get there at
patreon.com/youcan't Scare me. You can also go to ycsmpod.com
or my favorite URL. You can't scare.

(02:04:22):
Not me. It's a good one.
It's a good one. It is.
It's round and perfect and fulfilling, yeah.
Just like a big. Old spoonful of monster blood,
Yeah. A little lime in there, a little
little cilantro on top of that, and like a.
Little bit of monster. Blood all righty And with that,

(02:04:44):
let's talk about our next book real quick.
It looks like it's a book about a shark.
That's it. It just I like looking at the
newer cover and not the Jacobus cover where it's in the Jacobus
cover, it's a hammerhead shark about to eat a child who is just
swimming with like, you know, flippers on.
But in the newer 1 it's just a shark.

(02:05:07):
It's just a shark swimming around there's.
Am I missing something? Is it's just a shark?
A. Shark.
Yeah, that's just a picture of ashark for sure.
It's just a shark. Hanging around like there's a.
Snatcher There is a skeleton. It's a skull in the background,
yeah, but it's like a. It's like a a natural.
Outcropping. If this is a yeah yeah.
What goosebumps. 19 Oh fuck, it's a shark.
Well, let's just say. This next book, it's our summary

(02:05:29):
special releasing sometime in ina season, but know that it will
be but reading it will be like you're at the beach, all
recorded in swim trunks and I. Will record all of the sand
speech from Star Wars. I will be.
Sand. It's coarse and uncomfortable

(02:05:52):
and it gets in your swim trunks and that's just not good.
No look forward. To fun in the sun on You Can't
Scare Me.

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