January 16, 2025 • 64 mins
In this episode Matt becomes a pampered prince, Eric is subjected to another Pop Quiz, and, of course, we answer some questions:
- I just had a baby boy, my question for you guys is what is some fatherly advice I should give him first?
- What's the proper etiquette for letting someone know their zipper is down?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Matt (00:00):
Eric, I stand before you, a pampered prince.
Eric (00:09):
Sorry, that's just like from the get.
Matt (00:12):
I am a pampered little prince.
Eric (00:14):
You're my pampered little, you're my little princeling.
What happened, Eric I?
How did your fortune turn.
Matt (00:20):
Eric Matthew Shea has been to a spa.
Oh my.
Eric (00:25):
You been to a spa?
Matt (00:26):
Oh my, you went to a spa, I went to a spa.
Eric (00:31):
I and I say this with utmost respect, just because I
know you as a person could neverfathom you going to a spa.
Matt (00:38):
I have been to a spa.
Eric (00:42):
How was it Tell me everything?
Did you go to Spa World?
Fuck, no, I went.
Oh, goes to a spa spa.
How was it tell me everything?
Did you go to spa world?
Fuck, no, I went.
Matt (00:48):
Oh, goes to a spa once I went to the hershey spa oh shit,
in hershey, pennsylvania.
So here's how this came about,right yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me
um, when?
so for very, very long time, uh,lindsay, my sister-in-law and
my mom have been talking aboutgoing to the Hershey spa, and so
(01:11):
when they were all here like inthe fall for Eric and my
brother, Eric, uh, and and mysister-in-law to see the house
and all this stuff, the subjectcame up and they've been trying
to do this spa trip for ages,like literally, like maybe 10
years, jesus.
Eric (01:28):
Like a long time, didn't just real quick, didn't know?
Hershey had a spa.
Matt (01:33):
I didn't know.
There was like a At the Hershey.
Eric (01:34):
The.
I believe that there are spasaround Hershey, but the Hershey
spa.
Matt (01:39):
I believe it's the spa at the Hotel Hershey is the name,
the full name, but anyway, we'retalking about and they were
like we should finally do itaround Christmas, when people
are in town for Christmas.
And so a bit begins of like,well, maybe we should all go,
(01:59):
like my dad and my brother andme as well, and my dad, of
course, is like no, no, no, no,and Eric's like quiet dad
grumbling Loud big brothergrumbling Exactly.
But I say I was like, no, I'llgo.
Eric (02:17):
Let's do it.
Matt (02:17):
And to my surprise, everyone else was like, okay, oh
shit, they called the bit Well,I would.
I thought I was calling theirbluff like you wanted all the
men to be like I'm not going,and so I thought I was calling
their bluff by being like I'llgo and so.
But then when my mom andlindsey and everybody and we're
(02:40):
like yeah, I think it'd be cool,I think you'd'd love a spa, and
I was like, okay, fine, fuck it.
Like sure, if we're doing this,I'll do it, why not?
Eric (02:49):
And when I say like I never envisioned you going to a
spa in nothing to do with likemasculinity and like oh I don't
know and everything to do withyour comfort zones, with being
around like Human, beings yes.
Yes.
Matt (03:06):
Well, so I had a being touched by them.
Yes.
Eric (03:09):
Being in the semi-nude.
Matt (03:11):
I had a little, Okay.
Well, first of all, I'veperformed naked before.
Eric (03:15):
Well that, but you'll do anything for work For a buck.
Matt (03:19):
You'll do anything for.
Well, that does Once you do aplay that involves you being
naked in a freezing cold bathtub.
You're pretty chill with prettymuch most things.
Eric (03:31):
Yeah, everything's just downhill after that.
Matt (03:33):
Yeah, but for me you did hit the nail on the head.
It was the touching.
I was like I've never had aprofessional massage and and
mostly because I'm like I get alittle weird weirded out by like
just strangers just cominginto- physical contact, it's a
perfectly reasonable feeling tohave so so.
So I had some nerves about it,but you know, I hey, I did it.
(03:57):
And, eric, I'm here to tell youwhat you think.
I'm a spa man hell yes, brother,I would eric, let me tell you
this I was made for the spa life, all right god, paint me this
picture I'm gonna paint you thispicture, so okay.
So I arrive.
Uh, we, we arrive.
(04:18):
I have to be escorted over tothe, to the men's dressing room,
and so I get in my robe withwhich to walk around the place.
I've been informed that I candress down, to quote my level of
comfort Nice, so, just tomaintain other people's feelings
(04:42):
, maybe I keep some underwear on, but otherwise it's just me and
my robe.
Hell dog people's feelings.
Maybe I keep some under.
I keep some underwear on, butotherwise it's just me and my
rope.
Hell dog Love that.
Eric (04:49):
Which is one of the most comfortable configurations I
could ever exist in, Just likeme, but sans being straight nude
with robe, boxers and robe peakrelaxation around the house.
Matt (05:01):
So and so then I got to go up, so I I had two services on
the docket.
I had a 80 minute massage, ohdog.
In the morning Chocolatemassage.
Eric (05:14):
It is the Hershey Spa, and then Do they rub like cocoa
beans and shit into your body?
Matt (05:20):
And then my second service was a chocolate fondue wrap.
This sounds dope.
And then my second service wasa chocolate fondue wrap.
This sounds dope.
And I didn't know what the fuckthat was going to be.
But I and I'll be honest, I'mnot too proud to say was I led
on by the words chocolate fondue?
Yes, I was.
(05:40):
Yeah, yes I was.
Did I understand in my head andin my heart that I would not be
eating or consuming chocolatefondue?
Yes, I did know that, butnevertheless, that's where it
led me.
Eric (05:52):
You have a moral obligation when certain things
are pitched.
Matt (05:56):
So once I get the tour of the place, I'm taken to the
dressing room, I change into myrobe and then I began to meander
about the grounds until I amtold I can come.
So there's two rooms, yep, sothey'll come find you.
That's the thing.
You don't have to be anywhere,they'll find you.
God, I love that, and you canjust go wherever you want to go.
Eric (06:19):
My nightmare is having to wait in a spot for any amount of
time.
Matt (06:24):
So the three main areas they're going to check are the
aromatherapy room, the quietroom, which is the main waiting
area, and then the silent room.
Not to be confused with thequiet room, the silent room Tell
me everything.
So I go up, of course, to thequiet room, yes, to see what's
(06:50):
on offer there.
And what's on offer there is,you know, they got some muffins
and things and some coffee, andthey also have cocoa.
And I say, well, I'm here, eric, I'm here at the Hershey Spa,
got to, I got to get this cocoa,eric.
I'm here, eric, I'm here at theHershey Spa, got to, I got to
get this cocoa, eric.
I cannot stress this enough.
It was the best hot chocolatethat I have ever had in my life.
(07:15):
And I cannot tell you how manycups of this cocoa I consumed
throughout the day.
Of this cocoa I consumethroughout the day, when I Eric,
when I tell you that I, when mycup runneth empty, I went right
back for more cocoa.
But I don't have to go to thequiet room.
They got it stationed all overthe place.
(07:36):
Fuck yeah, just wherever youturn, here's another cocoa
dispenser.
Eric (07:41):
That is.
I've got to take Alyssa therenow.
It's Eric Ericic.
It's so good.
I want to experience this.
It's so good.
Tell me about the.
Yeah, very expensive.
Matt (07:53):
Oh, I from everything you've described, yeah very
expensive, yeah, but, but it wasvery, very nice, so, okay.
So then I'm in the choir room.
Yeah, I'm sit, I sit down withmy cocoa.
All the girls are off in thewomen's dressing room, right,
yeah, so I don't.
I'm on my own at this moment,and eventually they too are led
(08:16):
up here, just as I was, and Ihave to tell you, lindsay sees
me from across the room, sittingin my pink robe, yep, with my
cup of cocoa, your little princeand she just starts laughing
immediately.
I was like it's just the sightof me, and she was like I have
never seen you so at peace, andI have seen you sitting in this
(08:44):
quiet room in front of afireplace.
Three decades.
Eric (08:47):
It took In a robe.
We cracked the code, sippingaway at a little prince Sitting
away at a little prince.
A little Hershey prince.
Matt (08:57):
I come and I am retrieved by Kyle, who is my masseuse,
monsieur.
So he takes me back to themassage parlor and I guess I
guess for 80 minutes he works me.
But it didn't feel like 80minutes, I'll tell you that
(09:20):
right now.
It took me some time to really,like you know, relax into it,
give myself over to KyleSurrender to the experience of
Kyle Surrender to Kyle, I liketo imagine, and he just leans
down.
Eric (09:39):
He's like surrender to me.
And I'll say this hell of apair of hands oh yeah, mad
respect, dude, like mad respectfor any like masseuses.
Dude, like I can't imagine thestamina it takes, so anyway, so
there's.
Matt (09:55):
I mean, there's not much to say about the massage.
It's a massage and it rulesit's my first.
One was great dude they're sogood, fucking love the thing.
Eric (10:04):
You almost feel like kind of sore afterwards.
You're like Jesus Christ, allthis stuff's waking up.
Matt (10:09):
Just me, just fucking nude , covered in cocoa oil.
Hell yeah, dog, it was great,it turns out, and the way he was
working my shoulders and stuff,I was like I could feel the
knots.
Eric Knots, I didn't even knowwere there, yep, but yeah, I'll
date kyle's like oh, kyle foundhim.
(10:30):
Oh, my son, my blessed son, andI was like I know I'm gonna be
sore tomorrow by just how muchhe's working this, but I was
like man right now.
It's a good sore, it feelsgreat and much like when I did
the sensory deprivation tank,the floating tank, which I
absolutely love.
Eric (10:48):
I wanted to do one of those so bad.
Oh, I'll do one with you.
Oh, hell yeah, dude, let's dothat before we go see Nosferatu.
Matt (10:57):
Let's go.
I didn't even have the.
Some people talk about thehallucinogenic effect you can
have.
I didn't even have that.
Just the pain relief from thefloating spot was enough for me
to be like I'll come back.
Yeah, 100%, come back.
Anyway, kyle works me.
Then we have the buffet lunch,which is it's not all you can
(11:19):
eat buffet, but it's all likehealthy.
You know stuff Nice, it wasdelicious, and I'll say this
healthy.
You know stuff nice, it wasdelicious, and I'll say this
this is much like when I toldyou about my first time in the
quiet car and ham track.
The way I adjusted to the spalife was made clear to me in the
buffet because we're sittingthere, we're eating, everybody
(11:39):
else is there in our everyone'sin robes, and then this couple
comes in, eric, fucking clothed,and I couldn't help but look at
them with suspicion yeah, andnot to yuck anyone's yum, but ew
, ew I literally was like ew, Ilike leaned over to my mom, my
(11:59):
sister-in-law and lindsey andwas like what do you think their
deal is?
like what are you new?
What are they doing here?
Like god damn, what are thosejeans?
Eric (12:11):
jesus christ, I'm sitting here with my orzo and my balls
out especially like, likephysically recoiling from the
sight of their denim.
Oh, oh, oh the vibrations,anyway.
Matt (12:26):
So then I have my wrap, which and for a while there was
a sizable gap in between the twothings and the silent room is
just like the quiet room, exceptno talking at all is permitted,
just nothing.
And so people are just like inchairs, just asleep, just conked
out, yeah, but there's not alot of seating there.
(12:46):
So at a certain point and Ididn't bring a book or anything
because I didn't realize there'dbe such time, so without a book
, I was like actually I don'twant to go to sleep, because you
know how I am with naps, I'llget all groggy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I was like I'm just going toleave the silent room and open
up a seat for somebody else.
And so then I just startwandering around, eric, I'm just
(13:10):
looking out windows at the vastgardens of the Hershey Hotel,
pondering, going to thearomatherapy room where there
was another gentleman who wasjust fucking asleep, and so I'm
just sitting in a nice smellyroom with an asleep man and both
of us are just naked in robes,bro, I love everything about
(13:33):
this for you.
and so then I have my wrap,which they put chalk.
To put it in a nutshell,because I know I'm going on and
on, I get wrapped in, I get putin chocolate fondue, and by who
you ask, they dipped you inchocolate.
Let me ask, let me tell yousomething who is serving me this
wrap?
It's Kyle.
It's Kyle again I'm back withKyle.
(13:54):
So Kyle rubs me down withchocolate fondue, wraps me up in
cellophane literally incellophane and then covers me in
these heavy blankets and thenjust leaves the room for 10
minutes.
Eric (14:10):
Let you marinate.
Matt (14:11):
Just lets me marinate.
And then this, in many ways, isthe best part he covers my eyes
with a towel, not my nose andmy mouth, because this is very
important.
It now becomes time to wash offeverything and what they do.
I'm lying down, eric, and theybring over this apparatus.
They, they being kyle, yeah,brings over this god among men
(14:35):
that is essentially a seven headshower.
Head oh, that's just the lengthof my body, that they're just
that.
He just like it's.
I'm literally just getting ashower laying down and they keep
the towel over my eyes, not mynose, my mouth, because
otherwise waterboarding.
Eric (14:54):
Yeah, the exact thought.
The second you said notcovering your mouth and nose,
like yeah, because then they'dbe waterboarding, they'd be
waterboarding.
Matt (15:01):
But let me tell you something I knew I wasn't being
waterboarded because I crackedthose eyelids a little bit and
when he was bringing theapparatus by my face, oh, kyle
put a little hand in front of mymouth.
He put a little hand up, alittle guard.
Kyle protected, kyle, protected.
Kyle dried the floor and thenmade a path of towels to the
(15:22):
door so I could walk right out.
It was delightful.
It was delightful, it wasdelightful, and I'm here to tell
you, eric that.
I am made for the spotlight.
My good bitch, Eric, and I willshit you not.
No less, no less than 10, 12cups of cocoa.
Eric (15:47):
My man, my prince.
Matt (15:50):
No, I am serious.
That cup would be empty and I'dbe like, oh, looks like it's
cocoa o'clock.
Eric (15:57):
Cocoa oh Kyle, oh Kyle.
Matt (16:16):
Kyle, if you would be so kind, please.
Well, hello everybody andwelcome to you.
Didn't Ask for this, thepodcast that answers life's
least pressing questions.
My name is the pampered princematthew shea, and uh, who's this
over?
Eric (16:27):
here I am, his consort, eric poach.
Matt (16:30):
Eric poach, yes, thank you , thank you, yes, for being here
among me the posh.
Your eminence, should we justjump right the fuck in, eric?
Eric (16:43):
Speaking of dads.
Speaking of dads.
Dads have come up a lot so far.
Matt (16:49):
We have a very important question because it's critical.
I would say it's critical andpersonal.
It came up in the discord theUdaf discord that DairyKing11,
also known to you and I as Ericto Erica Yep DairyKing11 asked
(17:12):
us a question.
That BitFree honors me yeah,truly.
He says I just had a baby boy.
My question for you guys iswhat is some fatherly advice I
should give him first, that ishuge.
Eric (17:33):
We're talking foundation, laying fatherly advice.
Matt (17:38):
Particularly because, at least at this moment in time,
neither Eric nor I are fathers.
Eric (17:43):
No, moment in time, neither eric nor I are fathers.
No, and and assuming the thatmy my surgeon brock knew what he
was doing when he gave me thesnip, that will not be on the
timeline for me.
Matt (17:56):
Sure, I believe it's reversible if you're, you change
your mind.
But yes, but if he knew hisbusiness well, I wasn't going to
say that for you.
But yeah, you've been snipped,I've been snipped, baby Snipped
and clipped.
So that office is closed?
Yeah, it remains very much apossibility for me, however, not
at this moment, right now.
(18:16):
I'm looking around here.
I see a portrait of SamuelBeckett behind me.
I don't see a child.
Eric (18:22):
I don't see child.
I don't see child.
I don't see picture.
I don't see child.
I just see an old, old irishman, I'll see what I show you.
Matt (18:32):
What I do have here is oh, what's this, what's this?
Is it a you daft hoodie?
Oh, yeah, plug it, plug ithoodie, our merch, now available
at you.
Didn't ask for thiscom slashshop, absolutely, it is.
Eric (18:47):
Wait, the same Yadaf merch shop which you can get 20% off
of all merch if you, you know,subscribe to our highest Patreon
tier of four measly dollars amonth.
Matt (18:57):
Four measly dollars a month.
Patreoncom slashyoudontaskforthis the very the
self-same Eric, god damn.
Anyway, that's enough of theplugs because, eric, it's time
to get about down the baby tax.
Yes, the king himself, derrickking 11, asked us in our discord
exclusively access throughpatreon, access for fatherly
(19:17):
advice, eric and eric, first.
First of all, we always talkabout all hail the king baby for
derairy King 11.
But seriously, eric of theDe'Erico variety, a hearty
congratulations to you and theDairy Queen.
Long may you reign.
Eric (19:36):
Long may you reign.
Nothing but health andhappiness to you and yours,
until the end of time.
Matt (19:41):
And to your baby boy yeah, baby boy, no name included here
.
So baby boy.
Yeah, baby boy, no nameincluded here.
So, eric, I think we shouldprobably make one up.
Eric (19:51):
Oh, 100% what you got, derek Derek, derek to Eric-o.
Matt (20:00):
Derek to Eric-o yeah.
Eric (20:02):
You looked so fucking insulted and then you heard the
whole name eric derrick to ericoeric to erico derrick, eric to
erico yes, yes, derrick eric toerico the second.
The second turns out his oldman just goes by his middle name
(20:23):
.
So, uh, or even better, he's.
He's not actually the second,but the second is part of the
name he's not a junior, he's thesecond little little derrick.
Eric to erico, it's us yourfuncles your funcles here.
Matt (20:38):
You didn't ask for, you didn't ask for these uncles and
you got them baby.
Yep, here we are.
So, eric, what?
What fatherly advice can we,can we give?
I feel that the pressure's onus, eric, oh yeah and I want to
fuck this up.
Eric (20:53):
It's worth noting there's first fatherly advice, but I
think we can all agree that,like, until a certain age,
advice isn't even on the table,because until a certain age it's
just instructions to keep thechild alive.
Correct, don't touch that,don't put that in your mouth.
That's not advice.
No, no, no, no.
Matt (21:13):
But there will come a time .
He did ask for fatherly advicethat he should give him first
Yep.
But I don't think.
Don't touch the stove isincluded.
No, he's got that.
Eric (21:27):
That's just good advice.
That's just good advice, that'sjust survival tactics when I
think of fatherly advice.
Matt (21:35):
I know I've mentioned this on the podcast before, but it's
been a long time and youcertainly don't remember.
I think of a moment that I wasjust joking around with my dad
One Christmas, as a matter offact.
Remember.
I think of a moment that I saidI was just joking around with
my dad one christmas, as amatter of fact, yeah, I was home
from either college or justhome for the holidays and I was
saying, like you know, I don'tthink this, uh, being an adult
(21:56):
thing's working out so great forme.
I'd like to cancel mysubscription.
Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuckuck,hyuck.
And my dad responded with well,I guess that's why ostriches
stick their heads in the ground,and I've never forgotten it.
You want to know what one from?
Eric (22:13):
my old man I've never forgotten.
Give me that gem.
One day my dad was doing RickPoach stuff Classic.
He's great, he's funny, he'sdry humor.
And I hit him with a verysarcastic.
I was like man, I don't knowwhat mom ever saw in you, and
obviously in a joking way.
(22:35):
And he responds with well, youknow, I was a gentleman, I
respected her, I loved her and Ican part my hair with my tongue
.
I respected her, I loved herand I can part my hair with my
tongue.
Fucking got it Like I spat outwhatever I was drinking.
He always hits me out of leftfield with that shit.
Matt (22:53):
It's.
It's so good to know your dadfinishes the job you know, I'm
just happy to hear it Fellasfinish the job.
Anyway, here's what I'll say.
Yeah On that note, a great,great memory.
If they let my parents don'tactively listen to the pod, I
think every now and then they'llturn on an episode, and if this
is one of them.
Eric (23:13):
What a treat what a, what a treat?
Matt (23:15):
because a few years ago we were home and there was some it
was like an old spicecommercial or something where
there was somebody on a horseand he with a woman and the
phrase riding bareback came upin the commercial.
Eric (23:38):
I can see the T rising out of the ground.
Ball top it Out of the ground.
Matt (23:41):
Ball.
To top it, my dad, who has notsaid, who's just sitting in the
corner with his scotch andhasn't said a word in probably
an hour goes.
I'd like to ride her bareback.
Got him and then, from acrossthe room, my mom raises her
champagne and goes go for it.
(24:02):
Oh, oh, my God, it's such atreasured memory, god, it's so
good.
My mom, nonplussed, is like gofor it, shoot your shot.
My guy, my guy and Lindsay wasin the room and she was
(24:23):
flabbergasted by this wholeIncredible.
Incredible.
Eric (24:29):
Oh, my God, Cheers, fatherly advice, fatherly advice
, so, and I think I feel likethe realm, I think like fatherly
advice starts around middleschool, ish.
Yeah, like between the ages oflike 10 and 12 is when it starts
(24:50):
, I think.
So here's Funkle Eric's FunkleEric.
First piece of fatherly advice.
Matt (24:57):
The rarest of Funko.
Eric (24:58):
Pops.
This is legit.
What I would, a good piece ofadvice I would give young Derek
Eric De'Erico, derek, eric DeDerek, derek, eric Derek.
There is a difference betweenbeing nice and being kind.
Absolutely Nice is how thingsare presented.
(25:20):
It is how it is the I've.
I've heard it expressed as thegift, it is the wrapping paper
that your actions come in, andsome people who I've worked for,
people who have done the worstthings to me, did them very
nicely.
And there is a world ofdifference between doing
(25:41):
something nicely and doingsomeone a kindness and you will
spend your whole life learningto spot the difference, to to
quote the late great stevensondheim via into the woods.
Matt (25:56):
Nice is different than good here here, here here,
little red, and that is, that issomething very honestly, very
important to to instill insomebody, because I think it is
an important lesson to learnlike legitimately, absolutely
and funny, free, you know, yeah,yeah, because people will kill
(26:17):
you with a smile, you know theyreally will.
Eric (26:19):
Oh yeah.
Matt (26:20):
They'll disrespect you with a smile.
Eric (26:23):
Oh yeah, they'll purr my last email you with a gleaming,
glittering princely smile.
Matt (26:29):
Well, let's not bring in your work drama to this, okay,
yeah, absolutely.
I think that.
I think that is important toknow.
Nice, different than good.
It's.
It's honestly.
It's hard because I want tocome up with something
meaningful, but I'm also liketrying to project myself into
fatherhood, which is fuckingwith me a little bit.
(26:50):
Not going to lie to you, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll say some
things that I say to my turtle.
You know you're going to wantto bask.
Make sure you get some baskingtime.
Take the moments, take themoment.
Take the bask in the moment.
Bask in the moment that's whatI say to my 30-year-old turtle.
Bask in the moment.
Take the moment.
Bask in the moment.
Bask in the moment that's whatI say to my 30-year-old turtle,
(27:11):
bask in the moment.
And let me tell you somethinghe does for 10, 12 hours a day.
Eric (27:20):
You have to take the moment.
You got to bask in existence.
Take the moment.
Matt (27:25):
I'd say and this is true, and this is advice I probably
haven't heeded very well myselfDon't be afraid of failure, but
don't be afraid to learn from it.
Either yes, or don't be afraidof failure, but be prepared to
learn from failure.
Eric (27:44):
Because you will always be learning.
You will spend every moment ofyour life learning something.
It's up to you whether thelesson sticks.
That's right, Eric?
Matt (27:58):
that's right.
Eric (27:59):
Thank you, Matt.
Matt (28:00):
Now, eric, those are some meaningful things that we've
said.
Yeah, sure, but I think I knowwhat Eric to Erica is really.
After, he wants us to be ableto provide a sort of checklist.
Eric (28:13):
I think to a certain extent.
Matt (28:15):
Okay, like what films need to be introduced at an early
age, would you think?
Oh?
Eric (28:22):
Back to the Future, well, sure.
Matt (28:24):
Or Lord of the Rings, I think and you'll know when the
time is right.
Derrick King 11.
You got to sit your boy downand say I'm going to introduce
you to something called MontyPython and the Holy Grail.
Yes, and you're going toexperience it, and you're going
to have one of two reactions,either the correct one or the
(28:48):
wrong one.
Eric (28:49):
Yep.
Matt (28:50):
And that's how we're going to know whose kid you are.
Eric (28:52):
That's what you say.
That's what you say to yourchild, Derek Eric Jericho.
Matt (28:57):
It's just what we call raises the stakes.
Yes, raises the stakes.
Eric (29:01):
He's got to know they're there, he's got to know they're
there, because at some point yourealize, oh shit, I didn't know
that.
Matt (29:07):
I could be.
You're either laughing at theholy hand grenade of Antioch or
you're foolish.
Eric (29:14):
Yes, oh, also watch Paddington.
Matt (29:18):
Watch Paddington Paddington 2.
I'm told is one of the greatest.
Oh, you haven't seen it.
I haven't seen it yet.
Don't come for me.
Eric (29:27):
I'm not, this isn't about us.
And our later argument thisisn't about us, this is about
our, our, our fun little nephew,derrick eric de erico.
Derrick eric de erico, and man,it just rolls off, it just.
And I, derry king, truly I amso sorry if you were listening
(29:48):
this and now regretting whateveryou actually named your kid.
Matt (29:52):
Because we just sort of knocked it out of the park and
I'm going to have to send you amessage just to confirm that
your son's name is not Derek.
Because, if so, this wholeepisode is going to be bleeped
to high hell.
Eric (30:06):
And also there is a lesson here I am and, and, and also
there is a lesson here Always belearning.
When your son inevitablylistens to this and he realizes
his name could have been DerekEric De'Erico.
Derek Eric he will learn a veryvaluable lesson and, honestly,
this is the scary part, becausethis is this is a, this is a
life lesson that you could giveto your son, but more than
(30:30):
likely, through life experience,he will have to learn on his
own.
His father is a mortal man.
He is human, he makes mistakes,he doesn't know everything.
Matt (30:44):
How dare you say that about Derry King 11?
Eric (30:47):
I know, but how dare you say that about Derry King?
Matt (30:49):
11?
I know, but how dare you revealthese secrets?
It's like Puxatawney Phil youhave to keep up the illusion.
The suspension of disbelief.
Eric (31:00):
Derek Eric DeErico, your father is an immortal god and
will never die, god of lactoseyes, god commands such cows.
Matt (31:11):
A user handle.
Eric (31:12):
we've never pretended to understand, oh yeah, but it's
perfect, we don't need to wedon't need to.
All hail the king baby.
I'll say this, another piece offatherly advice.
Tell me you did mention it is aboy.
It's a boy child To be a man uh, oh, we're getting into this
(31:32):
now kid, kid, kid.
Feel your feelings, boy.
You, you there, boy, nephew,feel your feelings, feel those.
That's it because you're,because, like society and and
all the social programming thateveryone around you, all of us,
we're all guilty of, it will tryto convince you that feeling
(31:55):
your feelings is bad and thatyou should hide them, and that
having feelings somehow makesyou less or weak or wrong.
And they do not.
Feeling your feelings is ahuman fucking process.
You are going to feel yourfeelings no matter what.
So feel them in the way thathelps you, feel them in the way
(32:19):
that opens you to love andsupport from everyone around you
.
Matt (32:23):
But don't hide them, don't bury them, don't hide them, no
matter what anybody else says,and I'll tell you this.
Derek Eric to Erica, this iscoming from someone who was
mercilessly made fun of forcrying constantly in the
playground as an elementaryschool student.
And look at me, now I have apodcast, a podcast with dozens,
(32:46):
technically, of patrons.
Who can say how many groupingsof patrons we have?
We're incredible.
We have arrived, Derek.
Eric (32:58):
Eric Derrico, and we have taken that playground bullying
and we have leveraged it intocomedy.
Matt (33:04):
We've leveraged it into comedic timing, which I don't
have to tell you this Derek,eric and Eric can't be taught.
Eric (33:11):
No, goodness, no, but you've got it, kid Yo, you've
got it, you've got it, you'vegot it.
Matt (33:17):
You've got it, God you've got it.
Anyway, this is a message foryou circa 11 years from now or
so.
Eric (33:24):
Sincerely your funcles.
Matt (33:26):
Matt and Eric, Matt and Eric, Matt and Eric Derek, Eric
Derek and DerekKing11.
I hope we've answered thequestion.
The best to you and yours.
Long may you reign, and to thequeen DerekQueen11.
Eric (33:39):
Oh, my god Hail the queen, Hail the queen baby.
Oh hail the queen.
Oh, we should do a follow-up atsome point.
We should also give motherlyadvice at some point.
Matt (33:47):
Oh well, we have to be asked, we have to be asked,
nobody's asked us.
Nobody's asked us Interesting,curious.
Eric, you want to give us ournext question.
Eric (33:57):
Yes, I do, my man.
This comes from atalwaysacookie on Instagram,
which you may remember as aformer guest of the show, Andy.
Andy Rawlings From across thepond.
Matt (34:08):
Eh, from across the pond, across the pond, we taste some
biscuits with him, didn't we?
Oh yeah, we dipped the biscuit,had a little joffle cake and
tea did we had a little, alittle jelly, jelly jam jams and
some sip sips best to you andthe bird there, andy sorry I was
.
I was primed for this becauseyou can't just say in it, by the
way, just out of context oh bitsad, isn't it?
Eric (34:32):
yeah, you gotta add some words uh so andy asks yeah,
let's get serious.
Let's get serious, let's bemature yeah what's the proper
etiquette for letting someoneknow their zipper is down?
Thank you, he comes in withsome fucking like andy will just
always a cookie swinging fromthe rafters, just like throwing
(34:54):
hail.
Mary good questions absolutely.
Matt (34:57):
Uh, it's, it's.
It is a delicate questionbecause, like, let's say you're,
I feel like if it's you, youknow, if it's someone close to
me, it's very easy I'll just youknow, oh yeah, get you close
and be like hey, by the way, ohman, I'll stick my finger in
there, go.
Eric (35:13):
What do we got going on here?
That that is.
That is absolutely a thing.
I don't know if you experiencethis with with your dude friends
when, like in high school andshit nobody has ever stuck their
fingers in my fly no.
But if, if, oh, no, but just ifit's one of your closest
friends, there's no like theywill say like oh, oh, what's
(35:33):
this, what's all this?
Then my friends would callimmediate loud attention to it.
Matt (35:39):
Yeah, for sure.
Eric (35:40):
Because they're dicks.
Matt (35:42):
No, if I ever see you with your zipper down, I'm 100%
taking these two fingers andgoing like oh what we got going
on here.
Percent taking these twofingers and going like, oh what
we got going on here.
What's that?
You little john thomas theretrying to peek his way out?
Oh, is that malcolm?
Eric (35:56):
and donald bain.
Why do you?
Matt (35:58):
always do that.
Every single time, you make aobscure reference to the
scottish play, in reference toyour balls and your penis.
Eric (36:09):
It's for like the one or two people that that will catch
off guard and they'll just goyou just the consistency with
which you return to this bit.
Matt (36:20):
I just don't understand.
Eric (36:22):
Let's gilgalad englofen.
Do that's for the other ones,for the lord of the Rings, jesus
Christ?
Oh, tom Bombadil and Goldberry.
So yeah, obviously, but this is, I think this question is
asking like if it's your friendor someone you know, you do it
in the loudest, funniest waypossible.
This is about a rando.
Let's say, yeah, rando.
(36:45):
Well, first of all, it dependson how rando.
So what if we?
Because, because, like, ifthey're a random enough person,
I'm like I do not feelcomfortable.
Well, yeah.
Or similarly, passing someasshole on the street and it
flies down, I'm just going to belike, hey, I'll figure it out.
Matt (37:03):
Well, what I'm thinking of is if they're not so random.
Thinking of is if they're notso random.
I'm thinking like if I'm atsome sort of networking event
and there's a, let's say, justto put it in our context, yeah,
an artistic director of atheater or managing director of
a theater, and I see their fliesdown, I'd be terrified to to be
(37:25):
like hey, by the way, just soyou know X, y, z, my man.
Eric (37:31):
Yeah, oh, God, Off the bat .
I will never in this cow.
I will never hit him with an X,Y, Z, no one has ever
authentically said X, Y, Z tosomeone else.
Maybe just a play like hey, isthat your dick?
Matt (37:49):
Couldn't help but notice your dick's out.
What, oh my fly's undone,that'll do it.
That'll do it.
It'll get you on a list.
Eric (37:58):
Yeah, is your name Victor Frankenstein, because you are
hanging brain, my man Dude.
Matt (38:06):
You are hanging brain, my man.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,wait, wait.
You hear that Sounds likechickens.
Barn door must be open, my guy.
Eric (38:17):
Ooh, that's good.
God Is it, is it?
I love it.
Hey, how about this?
How about this?
Matt (38:28):
You just lean in close and go open the pod bay doors, Hal.
I'm afraid I can't do that,Dave, they're already open.
They're all very open.
Eric (38:39):
Very good, I'd hit him with a.
Just wave my hand vaguely andlike, respectfully but vaguely,
towards the direction of theirmidsections.
Go melon, speak friend, and thedoor will open respectfully but
vaguely, towards the directionof their midsections.
Matt (38:52):
Go Melon, speak friend, and the door will open oh
someone's already been to MoriaI see, I'll grab a friend or a
random person and say one of uscan tell the truth and one of us
always lies, and your fly isopen.
Eric (39:07):
They'll look, they'll have to see.
Do you know what I will do,though?
I have done this and it works.
Tell me I will, without evenlooking at the person who's
flies down.
I will, I'll notice, I'venoticed I'm like locked, and
then I will wait for my opening.
You have to and this is likeyou have to you have to use all
(39:28):
your powers of reading the roomto as as as casually as you can,
not making a big loud deal ofit, not to.
This has to appear 100% natural.
I will suddenly turn and go ohman, just noticed my fly was
down, and that will cause themto instinctively check theirs,
(39:49):
check theirs.
Yep, yep because the second yourfly, of course, is not down.
No, we think we assume a little, a little pantomime a little
slight of hand a littlepantomime and uh, and because I
don't know about and so mime,anytime anyone's ever like had,
(40:09):
like anytime someone's pointedout that someone's zippers down
in front of me or someone's beenlike, oh shit, my zipper's down
, I instinctively check mineyeah.
So you just hit them with alittle oh shit, my fly's dead,
and then they'll.
They will check like, oh, minetoo.
And then you can actually havea like.
You might even have a littlelaugh about that.
You might even get in good withthis artistic director.
(40:29):
This is how the wheels aregreased.
Matt (40:32):
What if you lean in close and you say something like
because if you did want toaddress it, you lean in close,
you say something like man whodied and they say what are you
talking?
I don't know what are youtalking about.
Oh, I just thought you'd know,since you're at half mast.
Eric (40:50):
Ooh good match Quality.
Do you know what my brain wrotewhen you teed that up?
Tell me here's like oh, whodied?
Oh, what is it?
It was like smells like fuckingrotten ass dick in here.
Lie down, you piece of shit,you dumbass.
(41:12):
Would that be what you teed up?
You awful person?
Oh, my God, everyone.
Look, this guy's dick is out itsmells like rotten dick.
Matt (41:19):
Smells like rotten dick.
Yeah, you got any more zipperbits got any more zipper bits we
can throw andy's way, or do youthink we've exhausted this line
(41:42):
of answering?
Eric (41:43):
I think, I think we did a good job.
I think we did a great job.
Matt (41:46):
We did a phenomenal job which means it's it's time to
transition now to our closingsegment, oh which I don't know
what it is, but you do, andthat's interesting, eric always
gives me pause it's just comingto me that I don't know why you
wouldn't know.
I'm just checking my sent textmessages here.
I'm just trying to see if I canfigure out, let's see.
(42:09):
Hey, what do you want to do forthe closer?
Any ideas there?
Give any thought to sunday?
No response.
So I was forced, eric, withoutyour participation in this
podcast, to come up with a popquiz.
Get fucking hold on, eventhough the last time we did a
(42:31):
pop quiz I was also quizzing you.
Eric (42:34):
What were you oh?
Yeah, but here we are again,and in the same vein as my
celebrity houses, I said that.
Matt (42:46):
I thought that would be fun, because I don't really
expect you to get these rightLike.
This is more in the.
You didn't ask for this.
Here's some knowledge, but youget to guess first vein, right,
yeah, except this time, eric, Iwould say that would be the same
thing, but because of the levelof disrespect I received, I'm
(43:08):
going to go ahead and say I willjudge you.
Okay, get these right.
Eric (43:12):
okay, oh so we are saying the quiet parts out loud.
Now we're saying the quietparts.
Matt (43:15):
Okay, another piece of advice derrick eric de erico,
say the quiet parts out loudsometimes yeah, and so this, and
for no particular reason, I'mgonna call this pop quiz famous
last words oh, hell, yeah, okaywhat I.
What I have here, eric, is acollection of 10 quotes that are
(43:37):
attributed as these very famouspeople's.
Okay, final words yep, on thisplanet.
I'm gonna give you the quoteand, in certain circumstances,
the circumstance, because it'snecessary, uh, and you're gonna
give me a guess as to who it isI and I'm I'm legitimately so
excited for this.
I fucking love quotes and Ilove last words and I have a few
(43:59):
of these that honestly, Iexpect I would expect that you
do know.
Oh, so I'm gonna start you withwith two that you should know?
Eric (44:09):
Fuck, don't tell me this is from my impudence.
Okay, this is your punishment.
Yes, my prince, so this firstone.
Matt (44:18):
The final words in question is no, you certainly
can't.
And that was in response toNellie Connelly saying you can
say dallas doesn't love you.
Eric (44:32):
Honorific um, yes, nelly connelly hinsley dallas doesn't
love you, honorific and again,the final words are no, you
certainly can't damn.
Matt (44:45):
Oh, I feel like I laid on the hints pretty thick on this
one, eric.
Eric (44:49):
I can't see it, tell us.
Just clarify this isn't sportsrelated, is it?
This is not sports okay, okay,wait, wait and you, there's an
honorific uh, you certainlycan't say dallas doesn't love
you honorific.
Matt (45:05):
Was this a bush?
Was this a bush?
Yeah, as in george george oneof the presidents yeah was this
bush senior?
Is that your guess?
Eric (45:14):
yeah, because it wouldn't be junior.
Matt (45:15):
He's still alive well, thank you, eric.
Um no, eric, it was not hw, butit was a president god damn it
no, you certainly can't, are thefinal words of president john f
kennedy in response to governorconnelly's wife, nelly connelly
(45:36):
, saying you certainly can't saydallas doesn't love you mr
president okay, you know, oh,you know.
Eric (45:43):
Okay.
Now, my see, what my brain didis.
I was locked so hard into oh,oh, someone is dying.
They know they're dying andthese are their last words.
Matt (45:54):
Oh, they didn't know they were dying.
Eric (45:55):
But now I see what is on the table and I respect, because
for a second I was about to getso in danger I was like those
weren't his last words.
He didn't have it, oh the lastwords he spoke.
Matt (46:05):
Those are the last words he is known to have spoken Yep,
yep, okay.
Fair, Fair Now this next oneeven more If he was even there
that day.
Eric (46:14):
Go on.
Matt (46:15):
What the?
Eric (46:17):
Sorry, I had to throw off that rhythm you built up Of
anyone involved.
Matt (46:21):
He was there Of the key players of the John F Kennedy
assassination.
I'm just, he was there, I'mjust saying I wasn't there.
No, you weren't.
You weren't there.
Eric (46:34):
Eric, you're out of your depth.
Matt (46:38):
Do not get me started on this.
You're being punished.
Eric (46:41):
Sorry, forgive this in my eminence.
Go on Okay.
Matt (46:47):
This next one, eric, is both historical and theatrical.
Okay, it is an actual quote andit is also a very famous
theatrical line.
So for those reasons, I expectyou to know it.
Yes, more weight.
Eric (47:03):
That is Giles Corey as portrayed in the Crucible.
But yes, he was being crushedto death for being of being
accused of being a witch.
Matt (47:14):
Eric nailed it.
Yeah, it is Giles Corey, bothin the Crucible and in real life
.
While he was being pressed todeath, to fucking death, it took
hours during the Salem withwitch trials.
He said more weight what abadass motherfucker.
Eric (47:34):
and I I read up on this one of the reasons that they
believe that like a no matterwhat.
It is incredibly badass.
But another layer to it which Ifind absolutely fascinating and
speaks to the character of thishuman being if, if he admitted
to being a witch, his property,his properties, including his
land, the house his family livedin, could be seized by the
(47:59):
state because he had confessedto a crime.
By not confessing to a crime hedid like they were the he he
wasn't like.
They didn't convict him, theyjust killed a guy.
Eric, I'm proud of you, yeah,I'm proud of you.
Matt (48:08):
Yeah, I'm proud of you and I release you from your
penitence.
Oh fuck, yes.
Now this next one.
I do have a few that arerelated to well, I guess they're
all related to death, butrelated to being killed.
Okay, okay, this next one.
While being possibly the mostbadass final words of all time.
(48:28):
Okay, okay, this next one.
While being possibly the mostbadass final words of all time.
Okay, while being burned todeath on a gridiron, this
individual said you can flip meover now, I'm done on this side,
ah.
Eric (48:47):
Oh wow, I know I have.
I've heard that one.
Matt (48:50):
It's a famous one.
Eric (48:51):
It's a famous one, my brain immediately wants to go to
the world of antiquity, but Idon't believe that's.
It Burned to death on agridiron, so this wouldn't have
been a public.
See, if it was a publicexecution, last words, it would
have probably been fromantiquity.
Matt (49:13):
Eric, I will tell you this right now it's a public
execution.
Eric (49:16):
It's a public execution.
Okay, burn to death on agridiron.
I'm going to say it's one ofthe famous philosophers, it was
like someone or a mathematician.
I'm going to go out on a limbhere and say that it was not
Pythagoras.
I don't remember how he died,but there was the.
I remember there was aphilosopher who was burned to
(49:39):
death on a gridiron.
Burned to death on a gridiron,I'm going to say Archimedes.
Matt (49:46):
Archimedes.
You are in sort of the ballpark, Eric, but you are not right.
It's St Lawrence.
These are the final words of StLawrence, one of the famous
Christian martyrs.
Eric (50:00):
And her famous machine.
Matt (50:02):
Yes, absolutely so, and I've got another one here.
Okay, After stepping on theirexecutioner's foot.
I didn't do that on purpose.
Eric (50:18):
Oh, I was reading about this one.
Matt (50:21):
Yes, they stepped, they stepped on their executioner's
foot and then turned to saidexecutioner and said I didn't do
that on purpose.
Eric (50:30):
Oh, it was either Charlemagne or Robespierre.
I'm going to say Robespierre.
Matt (50:37):
It's neither.
But you're right about theFrench part it's Marie
Antoinette.
Eric (50:40):
Marie Antoinette?
Oh yes, because Robespierre didapologize to this guy, but it
wasn't because of that.
It was they had broken hisfucking jaw and had it wrapped
up in a bandage and he drippedblood on the guy and he's like
no.
Matt (50:56):
Well, his jaw was broken the night before.
Yes, it's kind of mysteriouscircumstances, yes, uh, and
Assassin's Creed unity play onthose circumstances.
But anyway, marie Antoinette,the next neighborhood the next
one, eric, also a little bit onthe historical side.
Okay, I have offended God andmankind because my work did not
(51:20):
reach the quality it should have.
These are last words.
These are last words and I'llsay once I reveal who said this
haunting, haunting.
Eric (51:30):
I will.
I had an initial thought.
Matt (51:33):
Let me know if you need any of these quotes again.
Eric (51:35):
Give me the quote one more time.
Matt (51:36):
I have offended God and mankind because my work did not
reach the quality it should have.
Adolf Hitler.
Eric (51:44):
Jesus Christ, Eric Is that your guess.
That sounds like the kind ofshit he would think to say after
having committed atrocities ofan unfathomable scale.
Matt (51:57):
No, I don't think, eric, I'm not you're wrong, obviously,
after having committedatrocities of an unfathomable
scale.
No, I don't think, eric, I'mnot, you're wrong.
Obviously, I don't think anyonereally knows his last words,
considering he committed suicidein a bunker.
Eric (52:06):
Well, that's what I'm saying.
I know he's in a bunker withsome people.
I don't know what his lastwords, just one person, just
just uh.
Ava.
Oh right, they killed everyoneelse.
No, Eric killed everyone else.
Matt (52:14):
no god, what a piece of shit I have offended god and
mankind because my work did notreach the quality it should have
.
The final words of leonardo davinci oh yes, it's that
interesting.
I was close, you were close.
This next one, eric, is aplaywright.
Okay, I'll give you that hintas a playwright.
And this is in response to hiswife telling him he looks like
(52:38):
he's improving.
On the contrary, on thecontrary.
And then he fucking diedplaywright.
Eric (52:48):
Wife said he looked like he was improving.
So he was on the contrary.
Died tennessee williams.
Tennessee williams not badguess, but it except for the
wife part with tennessee.
Died Tennessee Williams.
Matt (52:58):
Tennessee Williams.
Not a bad guess, but it exceptfor the wife part with Tennessee
Williams.
I couldn't remember if he had awife.
Hendrick Ibsen.
It was Hendrick Ibsen's lastwords, and I'm going to jump out
of order because here's anotherplaywright one, and I think
you'll know this one, but I'mnot 100% sure you will.
Eric (53:16):
Especially considering my track record thus far.
My wallpaper and I are fightinga duel to the death.
One or the other of us has togo.
That um, um, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes wrote uh importance of
being earnest, correct, fucking.
Uh, oh god, oh god, I, he's oneof my, he's so good.
Uh, he was Scottish, he was gay.
(53:38):
When he came into a port ofauthority once they said do you
have anything to declare?
And he said nothing but mybrilliance.
It is.
Oh, oh, oh God.
Sorry to everyone who'sscreaming it at their radio
right now, I'm so bad with names.
It is.
Don't you fucking tell me God,he wrote so much.
(53:58):
He wrote english, english highcomedy.
Uh, hold on, I'm gonna do mylittle alphabet a, b, c d what a
fascinating view into eric'sbrain.
Matt (54:10):
This is I hate this.
Eric (54:14):
I, you, I am going to, I, we are gonna stay.
We're.
What are we gonna talk about?
Well, I remember the name ofthe playwright who wrote
importance of being earnestoscar wilde, you oscar wilde you
, son of a bitch.
I will never forgive you fordoing this to me.
Matt (54:36):
You've made an enemy for life.
Oscar Wilde is the name you'relooking for of the Irish
playwright.
Irish, Scottish, my friend, oh,how you've offended the Scots I
and the Irish.
Eric (54:51):
You know what?
If the Scots were literate,they would be very offended.
Jeez, am I right, my fellowIrishman.
Matt (55:00):
No, now listen.
Okay, now, this one, eric, is alittle bit more contemporary,
but not super contemporary.
Except for a pair of thebridges I just burned down.
No, no, I won't give you thechance.
Eric (55:12):
Remember when I called my balls Malcolm and Donald.
Matt (55:15):
They will remain aflame.
Those bridges, in response tohis wife asking him where he
wanted to be buried, surprise me, ooh drawing blanks, but I'll,
I'll ask his wife where hewanted to be buried.
Eric (55:33):
Surprise me and I'll help.
Matt (55:34):
I'll help you out Cause I was cruel.
I was a little cruel, uh,comedian, comedian, comedian,
famous comedian asking his wifewhere he wanted to be buried.
Eric (55:42):
Surprise me, I'm gonna say do you have any idea how
utterly oscar wilde fucked me up?
I'm getting that picture.
I'm trying to remember any nameright now and it's stressing me
out.
I I'm going to say GeorgeCarlin.
Matt (55:59):
George Carlin.
Yeah, not a bad guess, but notcorrect.
It's Bob Hope, bob Hope.
Bob Hope's final words surpriseme.
Eric (56:09):
I'm learning so much.
Matt (56:10):
All right, Eric, and that was my goal.
Eric (56:12):
Thank you Learning how much I fucking suck with names.
This next one, eric, don'toverthink it, okay one last
drink, please one last drink,please one last drink.
Matt (56:25):
Please don't overthink it humphrey bogart I know but, hey,
I told you not to overthink it.
Yeah, it's jack daniels oh,damn okay jack daniels final
words all right, eric, I got onemore for you.
Eric (56:38):
Okay.
Matt (56:38):
One, last one and you're off the hook.
Eric (56:40):
Thank you, I've been enjoying this thoroughly, by the
way.
Matt (56:49):
It is stuffy, sticky and rainy here at present, but
forecasts are more favorable.
Ooh, I thought you might knowthis one.
Eric (56:55):
Is it Samuel?
Matt (56:56):
Beckett, it is not Samueluel bale, it is sticky.
I'm sorry, it is stuffy, stickyand rainy here at present, but
faint forecasts are morefavorable.
Is it tolkien?
The final words of jr tolkien?
Eric (57:12):
yeah, which, uh, his um birthday was was the other day,
traditionally celebrated by.
When asked, like how people canlike remember the life of JRR
Tolkien, christopher Tolkiensaid the Tolkien estate gave the
advice of raising a glass at 9pm of a spirited drink and
(57:34):
taking a sip.
How about that?
Matt (57:35):
Yeah, or alternatively, you could talk about a tree for
two and a half hours.
Eric (57:40):
Yep, while looking at the tree, talk to yourself about the
tree.
Talk to yourself about the tree.
Matt (57:47):
Oh yeah, Well, there you go, Eric.
That's what I got for you Oneand a half.
That's your little pop quiztoday.
Famous last words.
I hope everybody learnssomething and I also hope you
feel shame.
Eric (58:03):
Do you want to?
Uh, not you, the audience, justeric.
Uh, do you want to know one ofmy favorite?
Uh, tell me.
And these are.
These are somewhat fascinating,is the words I would use for
them.
Um, but also somewhat hauntingQuote LSD 100 micrograms
intramuscular.
Those were the last words ofAldous Huxley, writer of Brave
(58:27):
New World.
Yes, had his nurse inject himwith a heroic dose of LSD and he
tripped balls until he died.
Matt (58:35):
Hey, you know what, if you're going, yeah, why not?
Why not If you're?
Eric (58:38):
going.
Yeah, why not, why not?
Matt (58:40):
If you know you're on your way out, why?
Eric (58:42):
not.
I'd say don't trip on your wayout.
Matt (58:44):
But hey, hey, and listen to you, the audience.
I say please don't trip on theway out, because that is the end
of this episode.
I think That'll about do it foreveryone here.
You didn't ask for this.
Listen, we need your questions.
We'd like you to send them oninto us.
You didn't ask for this atgmailcom, that's all spelled out
.
Or you didn't ask pod.
That's the letter.
(59:05):
You didn't ask pod.
Instagram, blue sky, facebook,kinda sorta TikTok YouTube,
although we haven't made aTikTok in a in a healthy amount
of days at this point.
It's just, I've just been busy.
You know, I apologize toeveryone, but do send in those
questions.
You can also send them to us onthe Discord.
(59:26):
Which, eric?
How can they reach the Discord?
Eric (59:29):
You can reach the Discord by finding you Didn't Ask For
this on Patreon and subscribingtoday.
By becoming a patron at the onedollar tier, you get access to
our discord.
That's right, but for justthree dollars more, babes, four
dollars.
For just three dollars more,you get access to the discord.
Access.
(59:49):
You get access to monthly bonuscontent, our series, oops, all
tangents, and you get 20 off ofall merchandise available
through the Udaft merch store.
Matt (01:00:01):
That's, you didn't ask for thiscom slash shop.
We do have merchandise readyand available, such as the very
mug I'm drinking out of rightnow.
I'm so stoked for mine to gethere.
I.
Eric (01:00:13):
I I fucks with a black mug with a good logo.
Matt (01:00:16):
Yes and we.
Uh, I got my hoodie today.
It has the questions on it.
As I talked about earlier, wegot all kinds of stuff there.
We got fanny pack, pint glassmagnets.
We're going to get some otherstuff.
The Discord's been talking.
They want stickers, they wantpins.
We're going to work on those.
Eric (01:00:35):
Life-size cutouts.
The life-size cutouts.
Thanks, Juniper.
Matt (01:00:38):
The life-size cutouts have been brought to everyone's
attention by Sir Juniper.
First night at Yadav.
Thank you, Sir Juniper.
But more importantly thananything, you still this episode
dropping here on the 16th ofJanuary.
You still got about two weeksto submit those bingo cards.
(01:00:59):
So the link is in thedescription of this episode and
on our link tree on Instagramand elsewhere.
It's just a Canva template link.
Put in your selections, send itto us via email, the Discord
instant message, however youwant to get to us.
Just get it to us.
That's youdidntaskforthis atgmailcom and we will enter you
(01:01:19):
into our yearly Yadaf Bingocompetition.
We've gotten a few submissionsalready.
Love that you still got plentyof time to submit.
You will win a guaranteed guestspot on the show as well as a
free merch.
We never really said what itwas going to be, did we?
Eric, you know what your pickoh, I'd say their pick oh, yes,
(01:01:41):
your pick of free merchandise.
Eric (01:01:43):
Oh, 100%, we'll get that sent.
Oh, like I get to pick for them, hell yeah.
Matt (01:01:47):
Not you, Eric.
You get to sneak Not you youselfish, prude, indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed.
And of course, you can call uson the thought line at
410-929-5329 and leave us avocal question.
Eric, did I mish mish?
Eric (01:02:05):
anything.
Matt (01:02:06):
You didn't mish a goddamn thing well then, from all of us
here at you didn't ask for this.
My name is matt shea, my name'seric poach, and listen, you
didn't ask, but real talk real.
Eric (01:02:17):
If talk, real talk.
If you knew that you were aboutto say your last words, if the
stage was that you had time,you're like, all right, I'm
about to die.
If I'm going to say my lastwords, I'm going to say them now
, off the dome, oh God, off thedome.
Matt (01:02:32):
I'm sorry, oh my God, that was sad here.
I'm sorry, oh my God, that wassad here's mine that came that
was off the dome, that wasauthentic.
Yeah, I said I'm sorry You'relike, you're like.
Eric (01:02:44):
Robespierre.
What am I Canadian?
Matt (01:02:48):
up in here.
I mean you're welcome.
That is what about you?
Off the?
Eric (01:02:56):
dome.
Yo check this out.
Matt (01:03:02):
And for my next trick, what, what?
Okay, I'm imagining this, I'll.
How about here's another,here's another candidate, be
right back here.
Eric (01:03:12):
Here's a good one to modify my, my previous one.
Uh, I'd hit him with a.
Uh, it was a neat trick, but Icould only do it once.
Sounds deep as hell.
Listen, come closer.
I got a secret to tell you.
No, come, come here.
Come here.
(01:03:33):
Come here like because thereflies down.
Oh, because there flies fliesdown.
Oh, because there are fliesdown.
Matt (01:03:39):
Yes, yes, yes, absolutely.
Just get one last sexualassault in there before you go
Bye.
Eric, I stand before you, a pampered prince.
Eric (00:09):
Sorry, that's just like from the get.
Matt (00:12):
I am a pampered little prince.
Eric (00:14):
You're my pampered little, you're my little princeling.
What happened, Eric I?
How did your fortune turn.
Matt (00:20):
Eric Matthew Shea has been to a spa.
Oh my.
Eric (00:25):
You been to a spa?
Matt (00:26):
Oh my, you went to a spa, I went to a spa.
Eric (00:31):
I and I say this with utmost respect, just because I
know you as a person could neverfathom you going to a spa.
Matt (00:38):
I have been to a spa.
Eric (00:42):
How was it Tell me everything?
Did you go to Spa World?
Fuck, no, I went.
Oh, goes to a spa spa.
How was it tell me everything?
Did you go to spa world?
Fuck, no, I went.
Matt (00:48):
Oh, goes to a spa once I went to the hershey spa oh shit,
in hershey, pennsylvania.
So here's how this came about,right yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me
um, when?
so for very, very long time, uh,lindsay, my sister-in-law and
my mom have been talking aboutgoing to the Hershey spa, and so
(01:11):
when they were all here like inthe fall for Eric and my
brother, Eric, uh, and and mysister-in-law to see the house
and all this stuff, the subjectcame up and they've been trying
to do this spa trip for ages,like literally, like maybe 10
years, jesus.
Eric (01:28):
Like a long time, didn't just real quick, didn't know?
Hershey had a spa.
Matt (01:33):
I didn't know.
There was like a At the Hershey.
Eric (01:34):
The.
I believe that there are spasaround Hershey, but the Hershey
spa.
Matt (01:39):
I believe it's the spa at the Hotel Hershey is the name,
the full name, but anyway, we'retalking about and they were
like we should finally do itaround Christmas, when people
are in town for Christmas.
And so a bit begins of like,well, maybe we should all go,
(01:59):
like my dad and my brother andme as well, and my dad, of
course, is like no, no, no, no,and Eric's like quiet dad
grumbling Loud big brothergrumbling Exactly.
But I say I was like, no, I'llgo.
Eric (02:17):
Let's do it.
Matt (02:17):
And to my surprise, everyone else was like, okay, oh
shit, they called the bit Well,I would.
I thought I was calling theirbluff like you wanted all the
men to be like I'm not going,and so I thought I was calling
their bluff by being like I'llgo and so.
But then when my mom andlindsey and everybody and we're
(02:40):
like yeah, I think it'd be cool,I think you'd'd love a spa, and
I was like, okay, fine, fuck it.
Like sure, if we're doing this,I'll do it, why not?
Eric (02:49):
And when I say like I never envisioned you going to a
spa in nothing to do with likemasculinity and like oh I don't
know and everything to do withyour comfort zones, with being
around like Human, beings yes.
Yes.
Matt (03:06):
Well, so I had a being touched by them.
Yes.
Eric (03:09):
Being in the semi-nude.
Matt (03:11):
I had a little, Okay.
Well, first of all, I'veperformed naked before.
Eric (03:15):
Well that, but you'll do anything for work For a buck.
Matt (03:19):
You'll do anything for.
Well, that does Once you do aplay that involves you being
naked in a freezing cold bathtub.
You're pretty chill with prettymuch most things.
Eric (03:31):
Yeah, everything's just downhill after that.
Matt (03:33):
Yeah, but for me you did hit the nail on the head.
It was the touching.
I was like I've never had aprofessional massage and and
mostly because I'm like I get alittle weird weirded out by like
just strangers just cominginto- physical contact, it's a
perfectly reasonable feeling tohave so so.
So I had some nerves about it,but you know, I hey, I did it.
(03:57):
And, eric, I'm here to tell youwhat you think.
I'm a spa man hell yes, brother,I would eric, let me tell you
this I was made for the spa life, all right god, paint me this
picture I'm gonna paint you thispicture, so okay.
So I arrive.
Uh, we, we arrive.
(04:18):
I have to be escorted over tothe, to the men's dressing room,
and so I get in my robe withwhich to walk around the place.
I've been informed that I candress down, to quote my level of
comfort Nice, so, just tomaintain other people's feelings
(04:42):
, maybe I keep some underwear on, but otherwise it's just me and
my robe.
Hell dog people's feelings.
Maybe I keep some under.
I keep some underwear on, butotherwise it's just me and my
rope.
Hell dog Love that.
Eric (04:49):
Which is one of the most comfortable configurations I
could ever exist in, Just likeme, but sans being straight nude
with robe, boxers and robe peakrelaxation around the house.
Matt (05:01):
So and so then I got to go up, so I I had two services on
the docket.
I had a 80 minute massage, ohdog.
In the morning Chocolatemassage.
Eric (05:14):
It is the Hershey Spa, and then Do they rub like cocoa
beans and shit into your body?
Matt (05:20):
And then my second service was a chocolate fondue wrap.
This sounds dope.
And then my second service wasa chocolate fondue wrap.
This sounds dope.
And I didn't know what the fuckthat was going to be.
But I and I'll be honest, I'mnot too proud to say was I led
on by the words chocolate fondue?
Yes, I was.
(05:40):
Yeah, yes I was.
Did I understand in my head andin my heart that I would not be
eating or consuming chocolatefondue?
Yes, I did know that, butnevertheless, that's where it
led me.
Eric (05:52):
You have a moral obligation when certain things
are pitched.
Matt (05:56):
So once I get the tour of the place, I'm taken to the
dressing room, I change into myrobe and then I began to meander
about the grounds until I amtold I can come.
So there's two rooms, yep, sothey'll come find you.
That's the thing.
You don't have to be anywhere,they'll find you.
God, I love that, and you canjust go wherever you want to go.
Eric (06:19):
My nightmare is having to wait in a spot for any amount of
time.
Matt (06:24):
So the three main areas they're going to check are the
aromatherapy room, the quietroom, which is the main waiting
area, and then the silent room.
Not to be confused with thequiet room, the silent room Tell
me everything.
So I go up, of course, to thequiet room, yes, to see what's
(06:50):
on offer there.
And what's on offer there is,you know, they got some muffins
and things and some coffee, andthey also have cocoa.
And I say, well, I'm here, eric, I'm here at the Hershey Spa,
got to, I got to get this cocoa,eric.
I'm here, eric, I'm here at theHershey Spa, got to, I got to
get this cocoa, eric.
I cannot stress this enough.
It was the best hot chocolatethat I have ever had in my life.
(07:15):
And I cannot tell you how manycups of this cocoa I consumed
throughout the day.
Of this cocoa I consumethroughout the day, when I Eric,
when I tell you that I, when mycup runneth empty, I went right
back for more cocoa.
But I don't have to go to thequiet room.
They got it stationed all overthe place.
(07:36):
Fuck yeah, just wherever youturn, here's another cocoa
dispenser.
Eric (07:41):
That is.
I've got to take Alyssa therenow.
It's Eric Ericic.
It's so good.
I want to experience this.
It's so good.
Tell me about the.
Yeah, very expensive.
Matt (07:53):
Oh, I from everything you've described, yeah very
expensive, yeah, but, but it wasvery, very nice, so, okay.
So then I'm in the choir room.
Yeah, I'm sit, I sit down withmy cocoa.
All the girls are off in thewomen's dressing room, right,
yeah, so I don't.
I'm on my own at this moment,and eventually they too are led
(08:16):
up here, just as I was, and Ihave to tell you, lindsay sees
me from across the room, sittingin my pink robe, yep, with my
cup of cocoa, your little princeand she just starts laughing
immediately.
I was like it's just the sightof me, and she was like I have
never seen you so at peace, andI have seen you sitting in this
(08:44):
quiet room in front of afireplace.
Three decades.
Eric (08:47):
It took In a robe.
We cracked the code, sippingaway at a little prince Sitting
away at a little prince.
A little Hershey prince.
Matt (08:57):
I come and I am retrieved by Kyle, who is my masseuse,
monsieur.
So he takes me back to themassage parlor and I guess I
guess for 80 minutes he works me.
But it didn't feel like 80minutes, I'll tell you that
(09:20):
right now.
It took me some time to really,like you know, relax into it,
give myself over to KyleSurrender to the experience of
Kyle Surrender to Kyle, I liketo imagine, and he just leans
down.
Eric (09:39):
He's like surrender to me.
And I'll say this hell of apair of hands oh yeah, mad
respect, dude, like mad respectfor any like masseuses.
Dude, like I can't imagine thestamina it takes, so anyway, so
there's.
Matt (09:55):
I mean, there's not much to say about the massage.
It's a massage and it rulesit's my first.
One was great dude they're sogood, fucking love the thing.
Eric (10:04):
You almost feel like kind of sore afterwards.
You're like Jesus Christ, allthis stuff's waking up.
Matt (10:09):
Just me, just fucking nude , covered in cocoa oil.
Hell yeah, dog, it was great,it turns out, and the way he was
working my shoulders and stuff,I was like I could feel the
knots.
Eric Knots, I didn't even knowwere there, yep, but yeah, I'll
date kyle's like oh, kyle foundhim.
(10:30):
Oh, my son, my blessed son, andI was like I know I'm gonna be
sore tomorrow by just how muchhe's working this, but I was
like man right now.
It's a good sore, it feelsgreat and much like when I did
the sensory deprivation tank,the floating tank, which I
absolutely love.
Eric (10:48):
I wanted to do one of those so bad.
Oh, I'll do one with you.
Oh, hell yeah, dude, let's dothat before we go see Nosferatu.
Matt (10:57):
Let's go.
I didn't even have the.
Some people talk about thehallucinogenic effect you can
have.
I didn't even have that.
Just the pain relief from thefloating spot was enough for me
to be like I'll come back.
Yeah, 100%, come back.
Anyway, kyle works me.
Then we have the buffet lunch,which is it's not all you can
(11:19):
eat buffet, but it's all likehealthy.
You know stuff Nice, it wasdelicious, and I'll say this
healthy.
You know stuff nice, it wasdelicious, and I'll say this
this is much like when I toldyou about my first time in the
quiet car and ham track.
The way I adjusted to the spalife was made clear to me in the
buffet because we're sittingthere, we're eating, everybody
(11:39):
else is there in our everyone'sin robes, and then this couple
comes in, eric, fucking clothed,and I couldn't help but look at
them with suspicion yeah, andnot to yuck anyone's yum, but ew
, ew I literally was like ew, Ilike leaned over to my mom, my
(11:59):
sister-in-law and lindsey andwas like what do you think their
deal is?
like what are you new?
What are they doing here?
Like god damn, what are thosejeans?
Eric (12:11):
jesus christ, I'm sitting here with my orzo and my balls
out especially like, likephysically recoiling from the
sight of their denim.
Oh, oh, oh the vibrations,anyway.
Matt (12:26):
So then I have my wrap, which and for a while there was
a sizable gap in between the twothings and the silent room is
just like the quiet room, exceptno talking at all is permitted,
just nothing.
And so people are just like inchairs, just asleep, just conked
out, yeah, but there's not alot of seating there.
(12:46):
So at a certain point and Ididn't bring a book or anything
because I didn't realize there'dbe such time, so without a book
, I was like actually I don'twant to go to sleep, because you
know how I am with naps, I'llget all groggy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I was like I'm just going toleave the silent room and open
up a seat for somebody else.
And so then I just startwandering around, eric, I'm just
(13:10):
looking out windows at the vastgardens of the Hershey Hotel,
pondering, going to thearomatherapy room where there
was another gentleman who wasjust fucking asleep, and so I'm
just sitting in a nice smellyroom with an asleep man and both
of us are just naked in robes,bro, I love everything about
(13:33):
this for you.
and so then I have my wrap,which they put chalk.
To put it in a nutshell,because I know I'm going on and
on, I get wrapped in, I get putin chocolate fondue, and by who
you ask, they dipped you inchocolate.
Let me ask, let me tell yousomething who is serving me this
wrap?
It's Kyle.
It's Kyle again I'm back withKyle.
(13:54):
So Kyle rubs me down withchocolate fondue, wraps me up in
cellophane literally incellophane and then covers me in
these heavy blankets and thenjust leaves the room for 10
minutes.
Eric (14:10):
Let you marinate.
Matt (14:11):
Just lets me marinate.
And then this, in many ways, isthe best part he covers my eyes
with a towel, not my nose andmy mouth, because this is very
important.
It now becomes time to wash offeverything and what they do.
I'm lying down, eric, and theybring over this apparatus.
They, they being kyle, yeah,brings over this god among men
(14:35):
that is essentially a seven headshower.
Head oh, that's just the lengthof my body, that they're just
that.
He just like it's.
I'm literally just getting ashower laying down and they keep
the towel over my eyes, not mynose, my mouth, because
otherwise waterboarding.
Eric (14:54):
Yeah, the exact thought.
The second you said notcovering your mouth and nose,
like yeah, because then they'dbe waterboarding, they'd be
waterboarding.
Matt (15:01):
But let me tell you something I knew I wasn't being
waterboarded because I crackedthose eyelids a little bit and
when he was bringing theapparatus by my face, oh, kyle
put a little hand in front of mymouth.
He put a little hand up, alittle guard.
Kyle protected, kyle, protected.
Kyle dried the floor and thenmade a path of towels to the
(15:22):
door so I could walk right out.
It was delightful.
It was delightful, it wasdelightful, and I'm here to tell
you, eric that.
I am made for the spotlight.
My good bitch, Eric, and I willshit you not.
No less, no less than 10, 12cups of cocoa.
Eric (15:47):
My man, my prince.
Matt (15:50):
No, I am serious.
That cup would be empty and I'dbe like, oh, looks like it's
cocoa o'clock.
Eric (15:57):
Cocoa oh Kyle, oh Kyle.
Matt (16:16):
Kyle, if you would be so kind, please.
Well, hello everybody andwelcome to you.
Didn't Ask for this, thepodcast that answers life's
least pressing questions.
My name is the pampered princematthew shea, and uh, who's this
over?
Eric (16:27):
here I am, his consort, eric poach.
Matt (16:30):
Eric poach, yes, thank you , thank you, yes, for being here
among me the posh.
Your eminence, should we justjump right the fuck in, eric?
Eric (16:43):
Speaking of dads.
Speaking of dads.
Dads have come up a lot so far.
Matt (16:49):
We have a very important question because it's critical.
I would say it's critical andpersonal.
It came up in the discord theUdaf discord that DairyKing11,
also known to you and I as Ericto Erica Yep DairyKing11 asked
(17:12):
us a question.
That BitFree honors me yeah,truly.
He says I just had a baby boy.
My question for you guys iswhat is some fatherly advice I
should give him first, that ishuge.
Eric (17:33):
We're talking foundation, laying fatherly advice.
Matt (17:38):
Particularly because, at least at this moment in time,
neither Eric nor I are fathers.
Eric (17:43):
No, moment in time, neither eric nor I are fathers.
No, and and assuming the thatmy my surgeon brock knew what he
was doing when he gave me thesnip, that will not be on the
timeline for me.
Matt (17:56):
Sure, I believe it's reversible if you're, you change
your mind.
But yes, but if he knew hisbusiness well, I wasn't going to
say that for you.
But yeah, you've been snipped,I've been snipped, baby Snipped
and clipped.
So that office is closed?
Yeah, it remains very much apossibility for me, however, not
at this moment, right now.
(18:16):
I'm looking around here.
I see a portrait of SamuelBeckett behind me.
I don't see a child.
Eric (18:22):
I don't see child.
I don't see child.
I don't see picture.
I don't see child.
I just see an old, old irishman, I'll see what I show you.
Matt (18:32):
What I do have here is oh, what's this, what's this?
Is it a you daft hoodie?
Oh, yeah, plug it, plug ithoodie, our merch, now available
at you.
Didn't ask for thiscom slashshop, absolutely, it is.
Eric (18:47):
Wait, the same Yadaf merch shop which you can get 20% off
of all merch if you, you know,subscribe to our highest Patreon
tier of four measly dollars amonth.
Matt (18:57):
Four measly dollars a month.
Patreoncom slashyoudontaskforthis the very the
self-same Eric, god damn.
Anyway, that's enough of theplugs because, eric, it's time
to get about down the baby tax.
Yes, the king himself, derrickking 11, asked us in our discord
exclusively access throughpatreon, access for fatherly
(19:17):
advice, eric and eric, first.
First of all, we always talkabout all hail the king baby for
derairy King 11.
But seriously, eric of theDe'Erico variety, a hearty
congratulations to you and theDairy Queen.
Long may you reign.
Eric (19:36):
Long may you reign.
Nothing but health andhappiness to you and yours,
until the end of time.
Matt (19:41):
And to your baby boy yeah, baby boy, no name included here
.
So baby boy.
Yeah, baby boy, no nameincluded here.
So, eric, I think we shouldprobably make one up.
Eric (19:51):
Oh, 100% what you got, derek Derek, derek to Eric-o.
Matt (20:00):
Derek to Eric-o yeah.
Eric (20:02):
You looked so fucking insulted and then you heard the
whole name eric derrick to ericoeric to erico derrick, eric to
erico yes, yes, derrick eric toerico the second.
The second turns out his oldman just goes by his middle name
(20:23):
.
So, uh, or even better, he's.
He's not actually the second,but the second is part of the
name he's not a junior, he's thesecond little little derrick.
Eric to erico, it's us yourfuncles your funcles here.
Matt (20:38):
You didn't ask for, you didn't ask for these uncles and
you got them baby.
Yep, here we are.
So, eric, what?
What fatherly advice can we,can we give?
I feel that the pressure's onus, eric, oh yeah and I want to
fuck this up.
Eric (20:53):
It's worth noting there's first fatherly advice, but I
think we can all agree that,like, until a certain age,
advice isn't even on the table,because until a certain age it's
just instructions to keep thechild alive.
Correct, don't touch that,don't put that in your mouth.
That's not advice.
No, no, no, no.
Matt (21:13):
But there will come a time .
He did ask for fatherly advicethat he should give him first
Yep.
But I don't think.
Don't touch the stove isincluded.
No, he's got that.
Eric (21:27):
That's just good advice.
That's just good advice, that'sjust survival tactics when I
think of fatherly advice.
Matt (21:35):
I know I've mentioned this on the podcast before, but it's
been a long time and youcertainly don't remember.
I think of a moment that I wasjust joking around with my dad
One Christmas, as a matter offact.
Remember.
I think of a moment that I saidI was just joking around with
my dad one christmas, as amatter of fact, yeah, I was home
from either college or justhome for the holidays and I was
saying, like you know, I don'tthink this, uh, being an adult
(21:56):
thing's working out so great forme.
I'd like to cancel mysubscription.
Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuckuck,hyuck.
And my dad responded with well,I guess that's why ostriches
stick their heads in the ground,and I've never forgotten it.
You want to know what one from?
Eric (22:13):
my old man I've never forgotten.
Give me that gem.
One day my dad was doing RickPoach stuff Classic.
He's great, he's funny, he'sdry humor.
And I hit him with a verysarcastic.
I was like man, I don't knowwhat mom ever saw in you, and
obviously in a joking way.
(22:35):
And he responds with well, youknow, I was a gentleman, I
respected her, I loved her and Ican part my hair with my tongue
.
I respected her, I loved herand I can part my hair with my
tongue.
Fucking got it Like I spat outwhatever I was drinking.
He always hits me out of leftfield with that shit.
Matt (22:53):
It's.
It's so good to know your dadfinishes the job you know, I'm
just happy to hear it Fellasfinish the job.
Anyway, here's what I'll say.
Yeah On that note, a great,great memory.
If they let my parents don'tactively listen to the pod, I
think every now and then they'llturn on an episode, and if this
is one of them.
Eric (23:13):
What a treat what a, what a treat?
Matt (23:15):
because a few years ago we were home and there was some it
was like an old spicecommercial or something where
there was somebody on a horseand he with a woman and the
phrase riding bareback came upin the commercial.
Eric (23:38):
I can see the T rising out of the ground.
Ball top it Out of the ground.
Matt (23:41):
Ball.
To top it, my dad, who has notsaid, who's just sitting in the
corner with his scotch andhasn't said a word in probably
an hour goes.
I'd like to ride her bareback.
Got him and then, from acrossthe room, my mom raises her
champagne and goes go for it.
(24:02):
Oh, oh, my God, it's such atreasured memory, god, it's so
good.
My mom, nonplussed, is like gofor it, shoot your shot.
My guy, my guy and Lindsay wasin the room and she was
(24:23):
flabbergasted by this wholeIncredible.
Incredible.
Eric (24:29):
Oh, my God, Cheers, fatherly advice, fatherly advice
, so, and I think I feel likethe realm, I think like fatherly
advice starts around middleschool, ish.
Yeah, like between the ages oflike 10 and 12 is when it starts
(24:50):
, I think.
So here's Funkle Eric's FunkleEric.
First piece of fatherly advice.
Matt (24:57):
The rarest of Funko.
Eric (24:58):
Pops.
This is legit.
What I would, a good piece ofadvice I would give young Derek
Eric De'Erico, derek, eric DeDerek, derek, eric Derek.
There is a difference betweenbeing nice and being kind.
Absolutely Nice is how thingsare presented.
(25:20):
It is how it is the I've.
I've heard it expressed as thegift, it is the wrapping paper
that your actions come in, andsome people who I've worked for,
people who have done the worstthings to me, did them very
nicely.
And there is a world ofdifference between doing
(25:41):
something nicely and doingsomeone a kindness and you will
spend your whole life learningto spot the difference, to to
quote the late great stevensondheim via into the woods.
Matt (25:56):
Nice is different than good here here, here here,
little red, and that is, that issomething very honestly, very
important to to instill insomebody, because I think it is
an important lesson to learnlike legitimately, absolutely
and funny, free, you know, yeah,yeah, because people will kill
(26:17):
you with a smile, you know theyreally will.
Eric (26:19):
Oh yeah.
Matt (26:20):
They'll disrespect you with a smile.
Eric (26:23):
Oh yeah, they'll purr my last email you with a gleaming,
glittering princely smile.
Matt (26:29):
Well, let's not bring in your work drama to this, okay,
yeah, absolutely.
I think that.
I think that is important toknow.
Nice, different than good.
It's.
It's honestly.
It's hard because I want tocome up with something
meaningful, but I'm also liketrying to project myself into
fatherhood, which is fuckingwith me a little bit.
(26:50):
Not going to lie to you, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll say some
things that I say to my turtle.
You know you're going to wantto bask.
Make sure you get some baskingtime.
Take the moments, take themoment.
Take the bask in the moment.
Bask in the moment that's whatI say to my 30-year-old turtle.
Bask in the moment.
Take the moment.
Bask in the moment.
Bask in the moment that's whatI say to my 30-year-old turtle,
(27:11):
bask in the moment.
And let me tell you somethinghe does for 10, 12 hours a day.
Eric (27:20):
You have to take the moment.
You got to bask in existence.
Take the moment.
Matt (27:25):
I'd say and this is true, and this is advice I probably
haven't heeded very well myselfDon't be afraid of failure, but
don't be afraid to learn from it.
Either yes, or don't be afraidof failure, but be prepared to
learn from failure.
Eric (27:44):
Because you will always be learning.
You will spend every moment ofyour life learning something.
It's up to you whether thelesson sticks.
That's right, Eric?
Matt (27:58):
that's right.
Eric (27:59):
Thank you, Matt.
Matt (28:00):
Now, eric, those are some meaningful things that we've
said.
Yeah, sure, but I think I knowwhat Eric to Erica is really.
After, he wants us to be ableto provide a sort of checklist.
Eric (28:13):
I think to a certain extent.
Matt (28:15):
Okay, like what films need to be introduced at an early
age, would you think?
Oh?
Eric (28:22):
Back to the Future, well, sure.
Matt (28:24):
Or Lord of the Rings, I think and you'll know when the
time is right.
Derrick King 11.
You got to sit your boy downand say I'm going to introduce
you to something called MontyPython and the Holy Grail.
Yes, and you're going toexperience it, and you're going
to have one of two reactions,either the correct one or the
(28:48):
wrong one.
Eric (28:49):
Yep.
Matt (28:50):
And that's how we're going to know whose kid you are.
Eric (28:52):
That's what you say.
That's what you say to yourchild, Derek Eric Jericho.
Matt (28:57):
It's just what we call raises the stakes.
Yes, raises the stakes.
Eric (29:01):
He's got to know they're there, he's got to know they're
there, because at some point yourealize, oh shit, I didn't know
that.
Matt (29:07):
I could be.
You're either laughing at theholy hand grenade of Antioch or
you're foolish.
Eric (29:14):
Yes, oh, also watch Paddington.
Matt (29:18):
Watch Paddington Paddington 2.
I'm told is one of the greatest.
Oh, you haven't seen it.
I haven't seen it yet.
Don't come for me.
Eric (29:27):
I'm not, this isn't about us.
And our later argument thisisn't about us, this is about
our, our, our fun little nephew,derrick eric de erico.
Derrick eric de erico, and man,it just rolls off, it just.
And I, derry king, truly I amso sorry if you were listening
(29:48):
this and now regretting whateveryou actually named your kid.
Matt (29:52):
Because we just sort of knocked it out of the park and
I'm going to have to send you amessage just to confirm that
your son's name is not Derek.
Because, if so, this wholeepisode is going to be bleeped
to high hell.
Eric (30:06):
And also there is a lesson here I am and, and, and also
there is a lesson here Always belearning.
When your son inevitablylistens to this and he realizes
his name could have been DerekEric De'Erico.
Derek Eric he will learn a veryvaluable lesson and, honestly,
this is the scary part, becausethis is this is a, this is a
life lesson that you could giveto your son, but more than
(30:30):
likely, through life experience,he will have to learn on his
own.
His father is a mortal man.
He is human, he makes mistakes,he doesn't know everything.
Matt (30:44):
How dare you say that about Derry King 11?
Eric (30:47):
I know, but how dare you say that about Derry King?
Matt (30:49):
11?
I know, but how dare you revealthese secrets?
It's like Puxatawney Phil youhave to keep up the illusion.
The suspension of disbelief.
Eric (31:00):
Derek Eric DeErico, your father is an immortal god and
will never die, god of lactoseyes, god commands such cows.
Matt (31:11):
A user handle.
Eric (31:12):
we've never pretended to understand, oh yeah, but it's
perfect, we don't need to wedon't need to.
All hail the king baby.
I'll say this, another piece offatherly advice.
Tell me you did mention it is aboy.
It's a boy child To be a man uh, oh, we're getting into this
(31:32):
now kid, kid, kid.
Feel your feelings, boy.
You, you there, boy, nephew,feel your feelings, feel those.
That's it because you're,because, like society and and
all the social programming thateveryone around you, all of us,
we're all guilty of, it will tryto convince you that feeling
(31:55):
your feelings is bad and thatyou should hide them, and that
having feelings somehow makesyou less or weak or wrong.
And they do not.
Feeling your feelings is ahuman fucking process.
You are going to feel yourfeelings no matter what.
So feel them in the way thathelps you, feel them in the way
(32:19):
that opens you to love andsupport from everyone around you
.
Matt (32:23):
But don't hide them, don't bury them, don't hide them, no
matter what anybody else says,and I'll tell you this.
Derek Eric to Erica, this iscoming from someone who was
mercilessly made fun of forcrying constantly in the
playground as an elementaryschool student.
And look at me, now I have apodcast, a podcast with dozens,
(32:46):
technically, of patrons.
Who can say how many groupingsof patrons we have?
We're incredible.
We have arrived, Derek.
Eric (32:58):
Eric Derrico, and we have taken that playground bullying
and we have leveraged it intocomedy.
Matt (33:04):
We've leveraged it into comedic timing, which I don't
have to tell you this Derek,eric and Eric can't be taught.
Eric (33:11):
No, goodness, no, but you've got it, kid Yo, you've
got it, you've got it, you'vegot it.
Matt (33:17):
You've got it, God you've got it.
Anyway, this is a message foryou circa 11 years from now or
so.
Eric (33:24):
Sincerely your funcles.
Matt (33:26):
Matt and Eric, Matt and Eric, Matt and Eric Derek, Eric
Derek and DerekKing11.
I hope we've answered thequestion.
The best to you and yours.
Long may you reign, and to thequeen DerekQueen11.
Eric (33:39):
Oh, my god Hail the queen, Hail the queen baby.
Oh hail the queen.
Oh, we should do a follow-up atsome point.
We should also give motherlyadvice at some point.
Matt (33:47):
Oh well, we have to be asked, we have to be asked,
nobody's asked us.
Nobody's asked us Interesting,curious.
Eric, you want to give us ournext question.
Eric (33:57):
Yes, I do, my man.
This comes from atalwaysacookie on Instagram,
which you may remember as aformer guest of the show, Andy.
Andy Rawlings From across thepond.
Matt (34:08):
Eh, from across the pond, across the pond, we taste some
biscuits with him, didn't we?
Oh yeah, we dipped the biscuit,had a little joffle cake and
tea did we had a little, alittle jelly, jelly jam jams and
some sip sips best to you andthe bird there, andy sorry I was
.
I was primed for this becauseyou can't just say in it, by the
way, just out of context oh bitsad, isn't it?
Eric (34:32):
yeah, you gotta add some words uh so andy asks yeah,
let's get serious.
Let's get serious, let's bemature yeah what's the proper
etiquette for letting someoneknow their zipper is down?
Thank you, he comes in withsome fucking like andy will just
always a cookie swinging fromthe rafters, just like throwing
(34:54):
hail.
Mary good questions absolutely.
Matt (34:57):
Uh, it's, it's.
It is a delicate questionbecause, like, let's say you're,
I feel like if it's you, youknow, if it's someone close to
me, it's very easy I'll just youknow, oh yeah, get you close
and be like hey, by the way, ohman, I'll stick my finger in
there, go.
Eric (35:13):
What do we got going on here?
That that is.
That is absolutely a thing.
I don't know if you experiencethis with with your dude friends
when, like in high school andshit nobody has ever stuck their
fingers in my fly no.
But if, if, oh, no, but just ifit's one of your closest
friends, there's no like theywill say like oh, oh, what's
(35:33):
this, what's all this?
Then my friends would callimmediate loud attention to it.
Matt (35:39):
Yeah, for sure.
Eric (35:40):
Because they're dicks.
Matt (35:42):
No, if I ever see you with your zipper down, I'm 100%
taking these two fingers andgoing like oh what we got going
on here.
Percent taking these twofingers and going like, oh what
we got going on here.
What's that?
You little john thomas theretrying to peek his way out?
Oh, is that malcolm?
Eric (35:56):
and donald bain.
Why do you?
Matt (35:58):
always do that.
Every single time, you make aobscure reference to the
scottish play, in reference toyour balls and your penis.
Eric (36:09):
It's for like the one or two people that that will catch
off guard and they'll just goyou just the consistency with
which you return to this bit.
Matt (36:20):
I just don't understand.
Eric (36:22):
Let's gilgalad englofen.
Do that's for the other ones,for the lord of the Rings, jesus
Christ?
Oh, tom Bombadil and Goldberry.
So yeah, obviously, but this is, I think this question is
asking like if it's your friendor someone you know, you do it
in the loudest, funniest waypossible.
This is about a rando.
Let's say, yeah, rando.
(36:45):
Well, first of all, it dependson how rando.
So what if we?
Because, because, like, ifthey're a random enough person,
I'm like I do not feelcomfortable.
Well, yeah.
Or similarly, passing someasshole on the street and it
flies down, I'm just going to belike, hey, I'll figure it out.
Matt (37:03):
Well, what I'm thinking of is if they're not so random.
Thinking of is if they're notso random.
I'm thinking like if I'm atsome sort of networking event
and there's a, let's say, justto put it in our context, yeah,
an artistic director of atheater or managing director of
a theater, and I see their fliesdown, I'd be terrified to to be
(37:25):
like hey, by the way, just soyou know X, y, z, my man.
Eric (37:31):
Yeah, oh, God, Off the bat .
I will never in this cow.
I will never hit him with an X,Y, Z, no one has ever
authentically said X, Y, Z tosomeone else.
Maybe just a play like hey, isthat your dick?
Matt (37:49):
Couldn't help but notice your dick's out.
What, oh my fly's undone,that'll do it.
That'll do it.
It'll get you on a list.
Eric (37:58):
Yeah, is your name Victor Frankenstein, because you are
hanging brain, my man Dude.
Matt (38:06):
You are hanging brain, my man.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,wait, wait.
You hear that Sounds likechickens.
Barn door must be open, my guy.
Eric (38:17):
Ooh, that's good.
God Is it, is it?
I love it.
Hey, how about this?
How about this?
Matt (38:28):
You just lean in close and go open the pod bay doors, Hal.
I'm afraid I can't do that,Dave, they're already open.
They're all very open.
Eric (38:39):
Very good, I'd hit him with a.
Just wave my hand vaguely andlike, respectfully but vaguely,
towards the direction of theirmidsections.
Go melon, speak friend, and thedoor will open respectfully but
vaguely, towards the directionof their midsections.
Matt (38:52):
Go Melon, speak friend, and the door will open oh
someone's already been to MoriaI see, I'll grab a friend or a
random person and say one of uscan tell the truth and one of us
always lies, and your fly isopen.
Eric (39:07):
They'll look, they'll have to see.
Do you know what I will do,though?
I have done this and it works.
Tell me I will, without evenlooking at the person who's
flies down.
I will, I'll notice, I'venoticed I'm like locked, and
then I will wait for my opening.
You have to and this is likeyou have to you have to use all
(39:28):
your powers of reading the roomto as as as casually as you can,
not making a big loud deal ofit, not to.
This has to appear 100% natural.
I will suddenly turn and go ohman, just noticed my fly was
down, and that will cause themto instinctively check theirs,
(39:49):
check theirs.
Yep, yep because the second yourfly, of course, is not down.
No, we think we assume a little, a little pantomime a little
slight of hand a littlepantomime and uh, and because I
don't know about and so mime,anytime anyone's ever like had,
(40:09):
like anytime someone's pointedout that someone's zippers down
in front of me or someone's beenlike, oh shit, my zipper's down
, I instinctively check mineyeah.
So you just hit them with alittle oh shit, my fly's dead,
and then they'll.
They will check like, oh, minetoo.
And then you can actually havea like.
You might even have a littlelaugh about that.
You might even get in good withthis artistic director.
(40:29):
This is how the wheels aregreased.
Matt (40:32):
What if you lean in close and you say something like
because if you did want toaddress it, you lean in close,
you say something like man whodied and they say what are you
talking?
I don't know what are youtalking about.
Oh, I just thought you'd know,since you're at half mast.
Eric (40:50):
Ooh good match Quality.
Do you know what my brain wrotewhen you teed that up?
Tell me here's like oh, whodied?
Oh, what is it?
It was like smells like fuckingrotten ass dick in here.
Lie down, you piece of shit,you dumbass.
(41:12):
Would that be what you teed up?
You awful person?
Oh, my God, everyone.
Look, this guy's dick is out itsmells like rotten dick.
Matt (41:19):
Smells like rotten dick.
Yeah, you got any more zipperbits got any more zipper bits we
can throw andy's way, or do youthink we've exhausted this line
(41:42):
of answering?
Eric (41:43):
I think, I think we did a good job.
I think we did a great job.
Matt (41:46):
We did a phenomenal job which means it's it's time to
transition now to our closingsegment, oh which I don't know
what it is, but you do, andthat's interesting, eric always
gives me pause it's just comingto me that I don't know why you
wouldn't know.
I'm just checking my sent textmessages here.
I'm just trying to see if I canfigure out, let's see.
(42:09):
Hey, what do you want to do forthe closer?
Any ideas there?
Give any thought to sunday?
No response.
So I was forced, eric, withoutyour participation in this
podcast, to come up with a popquiz.
Get fucking hold on, eventhough the last time we did a
(42:31):
pop quiz I was also quizzing you.
Eric (42:34):
What were you oh?
Yeah, but here we are again,and in the same vein as my
celebrity houses, I said that.
Matt (42:46):
I thought that would be fun, because I don't really
expect you to get these rightLike.
This is more in the.
You didn't ask for this.
Here's some knowledge, but youget to guess first vein, right,
yeah, except this time, eric, Iwould say that would be the same
thing, but because of the levelof disrespect I received, I'm
(43:08):
going to go ahead and say I willjudge you.
Okay, get these right.
Eric (43:12):
okay, oh so we are saying the quiet parts out loud.
Now we're saying the quietparts.
Matt (43:15):
Okay, another piece of advice derrick eric de erico,
say the quiet parts out loudsometimes yeah, and so this, and
for no particular reason, I'mgonna call this pop quiz famous
last words oh, hell, yeah, okaywhat I.
What I have here, eric, is acollection of 10 quotes that are
(43:37):
attributed as these very famouspeople's.
Okay, final words yep, on thisplanet.
I'm gonna give you the quoteand, in certain circumstances,
the circumstance, because it'snecessary, uh, and you're gonna
give me a guess as to who it isI and I'm I'm legitimately so
excited for this.
I fucking love quotes and Ilove last words and I have a few
(43:59):
of these that honestly, Iexpect I would expect that you
do know.
Oh, so I'm gonna start you withwith two that you should know?
Eric (44:09):
Fuck, don't tell me this is from my impudence.
Okay, this is your punishment.
Yes, my prince, so this firstone.
Matt (44:18):
The final words in question is no, you certainly
can't.
And that was in response toNellie Connelly saying you can
say dallas doesn't love you.
Eric (44:32):
Honorific um, yes, nelly connelly hinsley dallas doesn't
love you, honorific and again,the final words are no, you
certainly can't damn.
Matt (44:45):
Oh, I feel like I laid on the hints pretty thick on this
one, eric.
Eric (44:49):
I can't see it, tell us.
Just clarify this isn't sportsrelated, is it?
This is not sports okay, okay,wait, wait and you, there's an
honorific uh, you certainlycan't say dallas doesn't love
you honorific.
Matt (45:05):
Was this a bush?
Was this a bush?
Yeah, as in george george oneof the presidents yeah was this
bush senior?
Is that your guess?
Eric (45:14):
yeah, because it wouldn't be junior.
Matt (45:15):
He's still alive well, thank you, eric.
Um no, eric, it was not hw, butit was a president god damn it
no, you certainly can't, are thefinal words of president john f
kennedy in response to governorconnelly's wife, nelly connelly
(45:36):
, saying you certainly can't saydallas doesn't love you mr
president okay, you know, oh,you know.
Eric (45:43):
Okay.
Now, my see, what my brain didis.
I was locked so hard into oh,oh, someone is dying.
They know they're dying andthese are their last words.
Matt (45:54):
Oh, they didn't know they were dying.
Eric (45:55):
But now I see what is on the table and I respect, because
for a second I was about to getso in danger I was like those
weren't his last words.
He didn't have it, oh the lastwords he spoke.
Matt (46:05):
Those are the last words he is known to have spoken Yep,
yep, okay.
Fair, Fair Now this next oneeven more If he was even there
that day.
Eric (46:14):
Go on.
Matt (46:15):
What the?
Eric (46:17):
Sorry, I had to throw off that rhythm you built up Of
anyone involved.
Matt (46:21):
He was there Of the key players of the John F Kennedy
assassination.
I'm just, he was there, I'mjust saying I wasn't there.
No, you weren't.
You weren't there.
Eric (46:34):
Eric, you're out of your depth.
Matt (46:38):
Do not get me started on this.
You're being punished.
Eric (46:41):
Sorry, forgive this in my eminence.
Go on Okay.
Matt (46:47):
This next one, eric, is both historical and theatrical.
Okay, it is an actual quote andit is also a very famous
theatrical line.
So for those reasons, I expectyou to know it.
Yes, more weight.
Eric (47:03):
That is Giles Corey as portrayed in the Crucible.
But yes, he was being crushedto death for being of being
accused of being a witch.
Matt (47:14):
Eric nailed it.
Yeah, it is Giles Corey, bothin the Crucible and in real life
.
While he was being pressed todeath, to fucking death, it took
hours during the Salem withwitch trials.
He said more weight what abadass motherfucker.
Eric (47:34):
and I I read up on this one of the reasons that they
believe that like a no matterwhat.
It is incredibly badass.
But another layer to it which Ifind absolutely fascinating and
speaks to the character of thishuman being if, if he admitted
to being a witch, his property,his properties, including his
land, the house his family livedin, could be seized by the
(47:59):
state because he had confessedto a crime.
By not confessing to a crime hedid like they were the he he
wasn't like.
They didn't convict him, theyjust killed a guy.
Eric, I'm proud of you, yeah,I'm proud of you.
Matt (48:08):
Yeah, I'm proud of you and I release you from your
penitence.
Oh fuck, yes.
Now this next one.
I do have a few that arerelated to well, I guess they're
all related to death, butrelated to being killed.
Okay, okay, this next one.
While being possibly the mostbadass final words of all time.
(48:28):
Okay, okay, this next one.
While being possibly the mostbadass final words of all time.
Okay, while being burned todeath on a gridiron, this
individual said you can flip meover now, I'm done on this side,
ah.
Eric (48:47):
Oh wow, I know I have.
I've heard that one.
Matt (48:50):
It's a famous one.
Eric (48:51):
It's a famous one, my brain immediately wants to go to
the world of antiquity, but Idon't believe that's.
It Burned to death on agridiron, so this wouldn't have
been a public.
See, if it was a publicexecution, last words, it would
have probably been fromantiquity.
Matt (49:13):
Eric, I will tell you this right now it's a public
execution.
Eric (49:16):
It's a public execution.
Okay, burn to death on agridiron.
I'm going to say it's one ofthe famous philosophers, it was
like someone or a mathematician.
I'm going to go out on a limbhere and say that it was not
Pythagoras.
I don't remember how he died,but there was the.
I remember there was aphilosopher who was burned to
(49:39):
death on a gridiron.
Burned to death on a gridiron,I'm going to say Archimedes.
Matt (49:46):
Archimedes.
You are in sort of the ballpark, Eric, but you are not right.
It's St Lawrence.
These are the final words of StLawrence, one of the famous
Christian martyrs.
Eric (50:00):
And her famous machine.
Matt (50:02):
Yes, absolutely so, and I've got another one here.
Okay, After stepping on theirexecutioner's foot.
I didn't do that on purpose.
Eric (50:18):
Oh, I was reading about this one.
Matt (50:21):
Yes, they stepped, they stepped on their executioner's
foot and then turned to saidexecutioner and said I didn't do
that on purpose.
Eric (50:30):
Oh, it was either Charlemagne or Robespierre.
I'm going to say Robespierre.
Matt (50:37):
It's neither.
But you're right about theFrench part it's Marie
Antoinette.
Eric (50:40):
Marie Antoinette?
Oh yes, because Robespierre didapologize to this guy, but it
wasn't because of that.
It was they had broken hisfucking jaw and had it wrapped
up in a bandage and he drippedblood on the guy and he's like
no.
Matt (50:56):
Well, his jaw was broken the night before.
Yes, it's kind of mysteriouscircumstances, yes, uh, and
Assassin's Creed unity play onthose circumstances.
But anyway, marie Antoinette,the next neighborhood the next
one, eric, also a little bit onthe historical side.
Okay, I have offended God andmankind because my work did not
(51:20):
reach the quality it should have.
These are last words.
These are last words and I'llsay once I reveal who said this
haunting, haunting.
Eric (51:30):
I will.
I had an initial thought.
Matt (51:33):
Let me know if you need any of these quotes again.
Eric (51:35):
Give me the quote one more time.
Matt (51:36):
I have offended God and mankind because my work did not
reach the quality it should have.
Adolf Hitler.
Eric (51:44):
Jesus Christ, Eric Is that your guess.
That sounds like the kind ofshit he would think to say after
having committed atrocities ofan unfathomable scale.
Matt (51:57):
No, I don't think, eric, I'm not you're wrong, obviously,
after having committedatrocities of an unfathomable
scale.
No, I don't think, eric, I'mnot, you're wrong.
Obviously, I don't think anyonereally knows his last words,
considering he committed suicidein a bunker.
Eric (52:06):
Well, that's what I'm saying.
I know he's in a bunker withsome people.
I don't know what his lastwords, just one person, just
just uh.
Ava.
Oh right, they killed everyoneelse.
No, Eric killed everyone else.
Matt (52:14):
no god, what a piece of shit I have offended god and
mankind because my work did notreach the quality it should have
.
The final words of leonardo davinci oh yes, it's that
interesting.
I was close, you were close.
This next one, eric, is aplaywright.
Okay, I'll give you that hintas a playwright.
And this is in response to hiswife telling him he looks like
(52:38):
he's improving.
On the contrary, on thecontrary.
And then he fucking diedplaywright.
Eric (52:48):
Wife said he looked like he was improving.
So he was on the contrary.
Died tennessee williams.
Tennessee williams not badguess, but it except for the
wife part with tennessee.
Died Tennessee Williams.
Matt (52:58):
Tennessee Williams.
Not a bad guess, but it exceptfor the wife part with Tennessee
Williams.
I couldn't remember if he had awife.
Hendrick Ibsen.
It was Hendrick Ibsen's lastwords, and I'm going to jump out
of order because here's anotherplaywright one, and I think
you'll know this one, but I'mnot 100% sure you will.
Eric (53:16):
Especially considering my track record thus far.
My wallpaper and I are fightinga duel to the death.
One or the other of us has togo.
That um, um, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes wrote uh importance of
being earnest, correct, fucking.
Uh, oh god, oh god, I, he's oneof my, he's so good.
Uh, he was Scottish, he was gay.
(53:38):
When he came into a port ofauthority once they said do you
have anything to declare?
And he said nothing but mybrilliance.
It is.
Oh, oh, oh God.
Sorry to everyone who'sscreaming it at their radio
right now, I'm so bad with names.
It is.
Don't you fucking tell me God,he wrote so much.
(53:58):
He wrote english, english highcomedy.
Uh, hold on, I'm gonna do mylittle alphabet a, b, c d what a
fascinating view into eric'sbrain.
Matt (54:10):
This is I hate this.
Eric (54:14):
I, you, I am going to, I, we are gonna stay.
We're.
What are we gonna talk about?
Well, I remember the name ofthe playwright who wrote
importance of being earnestoscar wilde, you oscar wilde you
, son of a bitch.
I will never forgive you fordoing this to me.
Matt (54:36):
You've made an enemy for life.
Oscar Wilde is the name you'relooking for of the Irish
playwright.
Irish, Scottish, my friend, oh,how you've offended the Scots I
and the Irish.
Eric (54:51):
You know what?
If the Scots were literate,they would be very offended.
Jeez, am I right, my fellowIrishman.
Matt (55:00):
No, now listen.
Okay, now, this one, eric, is alittle bit more contemporary,
but not super contemporary.
Except for a pair of thebridges I just burned down.
No, no, I won't give you thechance.
Eric (55:12):
Remember when I called my balls Malcolm and Donald.
Matt (55:15):
They will remain aflame.
Those bridges, in response tohis wife asking him where he
wanted to be buried, surprise me, ooh drawing blanks, but I'll,
I'll ask his wife where hewanted to be buried.
Eric (55:33):
Surprise me and I'll help.
Matt (55:34):
I'll help you out Cause I was cruel.
I was a little cruel, uh,comedian, comedian, comedian,
famous comedian asking his wifewhere he wanted to be buried.
Eric (55:42):
Surprise me, I'm gonna say do you have any idea how
utterly oscar wilde fucked me up?
I'm getting that picture.
I'm trying to remember any nameright now and it's stressing me
out.
I I'm going to say GeorgeCarlin.
Matt (55:59):
George Carlin.
Yeah, not a bad guess, but notcorrect.
It's Bob Hope, bob Hope.
Bob Hope's final words surpriseme.
Eric (56:09):
I'm learning so much.
Matt (56:10):
All right, Eric, and that was my goal.
Eric (56:12):
Thank you Learning how much I fucking suck with names.
This next one, eric, don'toverthink it, okay one last
drink, please one last drink,please one last drink.
Matt (56:25):
Please don't overthink it humphrey bogart I know but, hey,
I told you not to overthink it.
Yeah, it's jack daniels oh,damn okay jack daniels final
words all right, eric, I got onemore for you.
Eric (56:38):
Okay.
Matt (56:38):
One, last one and you're off the hook.
Eric (56:40):
Thank you, I've been enjoying this thoroughly, by the
way.
Matt (56:49):
It is stuffy, sticky and rainy here at present, but
forecasts are more favorable.
Ooh, I thought you might knowthis one.
Eric (56:55):
Is it Samuel?
Matt (56:56):
Beckett, it is not Samueluel bale, it is sticky.
I'm sorry, it is stuffy, stickyand rainy here at present, but
faint forecasts are morefavorable.
Is it tolkien?
The final words of jr tolkien?
Eric (57:12):
yeah, which, uh, his um birthday was was the other day,
traditionally celebrated by.
When asked, like how people canlike remember the life of JRR
Tolkien, christopher Tolkiensaid the Tolkien estate gave the
advice of raising a glass at 9pm of a spirited drink and
(57:34):
taking a sip.
How about that?
Matt (57:35):
Yeah, or alternatively, you could talk about a tree for
two and a half hours.
Eric (57:40):
Yep, while looking at the tree, talk to yourself about the
tree.
Talk to yourself about the tree.
Matt (57:47):
Oh yeah, Well, there you go, Eric.
That's what I got for you Oneand a half.
That's your little pop quiztoday.
Famous last words.
I hope everybody learnssomething and I also hope you
feel shame.
Eric (58:03):
Do you want to?
Uh, not you, the audience, justeric.
Uh, do you want to know one ofmy favorite?
Uh, tell me.
And these are.
These are somewhat fascinating,is the words I would use for
them.
Um, but also somewhat hauntingQuote LSD 100 micrograms
intramuscular.
Those were the last words ofAldous Huxley, writer of Brave
(58:27):
New World.
Yes, had his nurse inject himwith a heroic dose of LSD and he
tripped balls until he died.
Matt (58:35):
Hey, you know what, if you're going, yeah, why not?
Why not If you're?
Eric (58:38):
going.
Yeah, why not, why not?
Matt (58:40):
If you know you're on your way out, why?
Eric (58:42):
not.
I'd say don't trip on your wayout.
Matt (58:44):
But hey, hey, and listen to you, the audience.
I say please don't trip on theway out, because that is the end
of this episode.
I think That'll about do it foreveryone here.
You didn't ask for this.
Listen, we need your questions.
We'd like you to send them oninto us.
You didn't ask for this atgmailcom, that's all spelled out
.
Or you didn't ask pod.
That's the letter.
(59:05):
You didn't ask pod.
Instagram, blue sky, facebook,kinda sorta TikTok YouTube,
although we haven't made aTikTok in a in a healthy amount
of days at this point.
It's just, I've just been busy.
You know, I apologize toeveryone, but do send in those
questions.
You can also send them to us onthe Discord.
(59:26):
Which, eric?
How can they reach the Discord?
Eric (59:29):
You can reach the Discord by finding you Didn't Ask For
this on Patreon and subscribingtoday.
By becoming a patron at the onedollar tier, you get access to
our discord.
That's right, but for justthree dollars more, babes, four
dollars.
For just three dollars more,you get access to the discord.
Access.
(59:49):
You get access to monthly bonuscontent, our series, oops, all
tangents, and you get 20 off ofall merchandise available
through the Udaft merch store.
Matt (01:00:01):
That's, you didn't ask for thiscom slash shop.
We do have merchandise readyand available, such as the very
mug I'm drinking out of rightnow.
I'm so stoked for mine to gethere.
I.
Eric (01:00:13):
I I fucks with a black mug with a good logo.
Matt (01:00:16):
Yes and we.
Uh, I got my hoodie today.
It has the questions on it.
As I talked about earlier, wegot all kinds of stuff there.
We got fanny pack, pint glassmagnets.
We're going to get some otherstuff.
The Discord's been talking.
They want stickers, they wantpins.
We're going to work on those.
Eric (01:00:35):
Life-size cutouts.
The life-size cutouts.
Thanks, Juniper.
Matt (01:00:38):
The life-size cutouts have been brought to everyone's
attention by Sir Juniper.
First night at Yadav.
Thank you, Sir Juniper.
But more importantly thananything, you still this episode
dropping here on the 16th ofJanuary.
You still got about two weeksto submit those bingo cards.
(01:00:59):
So the link is in thedescription of this episode and
on our link tree on Instagramand elsewhere.
It's just a Canva template link.
Put in your selections, send itto us via email, the Discord
instant message, however youwant to get to us.
Just get it to us.
That's youdidntaskforthis atgmailcom and we will enter you
(01:01:19):
into our yearly Yadaf Bingocompetition.
We've gotten a few submissionsalready.
Love that you still got plentyof time to submit.
You will win a guaranteed guestspot on the show as well as a
free merch.
We never really said what itwas going to be, did we?
Eric, you know what your pickoh, I'd say their pick oh, yes,
(01:01:41):
your pick of free merchandise.
Eric (01:01:43):
Oh, 100%, we'll get that sent.
Oh, like I get to pick for them, hell yeah.
Matt (01:01:47):
Not you, Eric.
You get to sneak Not you youselfish, prude, indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed.
And of course, you can call uson the thought line at
410-929-5329 and leave us avocal question.
Eric, did I mish mish?
Eric (01:02:05):
anything.
Matt (01:02:06):
You didn't mish a goddamn thing well then, from all of us
here at you didn't ask for this.
My name is matt shea, my name'seric poach, and listen, you
didn't ask, but real talk real.
Eric (01:02:17):
If talk, real talk.
If you knew that you were aboutto say your last words, if the
stage was that you had time,you're like, all right, I'm
about to die.
If I'm going to say my lastwords, I'm going to say them now
, off the dome, oh God, off thedome.
Matt (01:02:32):
I'm sorry, oh my God, that was sad here.
I'm sorry, oh my God, that wassad here's mine that came that
was off the dome, that wasauthentic.
Yeah, I said I'm sorry You'relike, you're like.
Eric (01:02:44):
Robespierre.
What am I Canadian?
Matt (01:02:48):
up in here.
I mean you're welcome.
That is what about you?
Off the?
Eric (01:02:56):
dome.
Yo check this out.
Matt (01:03:02):
And for my next trick, what, what?
Okay, I'm imagining this, I'll.
How about here's another,here's another candidate, be
right back here.
Eric (01:03:12):
Here's a good one to modify my, my previous one.
Uh, I'd hit him with a.
Uh, it was a neat trick, but Icould only do it once.
Sounds deep as hell.
Listen, come closer.
I got a secret to tell you.
No, come, come here.
Come here.
(01:03:33):
Come here like because thereflies down.
Oh, because there flies fliesdown.
Oh, because there are fliesdown.
Matt (01:03:39):
Yes, yes, yes, absolutely.
Just get one last sexualassault in there before you go
Bye.
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